#anyways! exams r over. fuck u uni let me rest

[twentyfivemiceinatrenchcoat]

hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii ari!!!!! my sweetest little flower i am here to alleviate your uni stress with another little tiktok idk if u have seen this but it made me laugh so hard it's so stupid aaanywayy i hope uni isn't bullying you too hard and if it is you just let me know i'll take care of it for you i know some people kisses kisses i hope you had a good day and that you'll have an even better one tomorrow!!! love u<33

https://www.tiktok.com/@theonlyanimehaven/video/7329076289032277280 (this just be my jujutsu kaisen fr)(i think this silly little video deserves an oscar the voice acting is top tier hollywood is fucking dead)

- @softgirlgonehaywire

SNIFFLE SNIFFLE SOB mickey u r so sweet this cheered me up sm T_T i was mostly stressed over a presentation and i did it today so i’m chilling now hehe but i do … have an exam ….. next week ……….. IT’S FINE THOUGH I’M HAVING FUN i read black-eyed women by viet thanh nguyen for my course recently and it was soooooo fucking good mickey it’s a short story n it made me cry :(((( if u are interested u can find it here……. changed my life fr like just look at this WHEWWWW WHAT A LINE

But what pained me the most was not any of these things. It was the light shining into my dark eyes as I looked to the sky and saw the smoldering tip of God’s cigarette, poised in the heavens the moment before it was pressed against my skin.

AND OJDJFIDOFLNGKC THE TIKTOK MICKEY…. 😭😭😭 ok but that’s canon actually. gumi and his roughly affectionate ghost dad <3333 THEY MEAN THE WORLD TO MEEEE ”you don’t wanna play catch with your old man?” got me LMAOOO why are jjk memes always so high quality 😭😭 HERE'S A SILLY STSG TIKTOK FOR U IN RETURN i can't stop watching it AND also a silly bsd tiktok just for u my sweetie <333

anyway anyway HOW R U DOING MICKEYYY how was ur day???? tell me tell me 🎤🎤 i love u so dearly i hope ur day was full of rest n cozy vibes tysm for the tiktok treat 🥺🥺

[astrainclinants]

haruharu

[jungshookz]

can you do a college ta!jimin where y/n is failing her class but she’s too scared to go to jimin for help even though he’s her ta bc every time she sees him in lecture she makes a fool of herself and is embarrassed bc jimin is also v hot

→ pairing: park jimin x reader

→ genre: university!au, ta!jimin, neRVOUS!y/n, tae and kook are the dream team from hell, joon is a try-hard but we still luv him 

→ wordcount: 2.5k

→ note: ok i was going to write this tomorrow but i couldn’t wait because i need ta!jimin in my life right now immediately so i’m soRRY if it’s short but IT WAS SUCH A CUTE IDEA and i needed to get it ouT into the world also fun fact: a girl that i met during my first month at uni told me all about how she fucked her friend’s psychology TA to help her friend get an A in the class and i need me a friend like that

(gif isn’t mine!) 

um

hi

quick question

why the FUCK did you think this astronomy course was going to be easy peasy

it was supposed to be your grade booster!!!!!

all you learn about are the STARS in the sky

they’re just flaming balls of gaS and you somehow are unable to grasp that concept for some reason

“how’d you do???” namjoon plops down in the seat next to you before looking at his own test and flicking through the sheets

you blink down at the test in your hands

49% written in an angry shade of red

you technically failed even though you were 1% away from getting a passing mark

this was the last chance to boost your mark before the final exam and you totally just bombed it

there are three midterms that you have to take in this course

which meant you had three chances to study hard and do well

you got 59% on the first one

63% on the second one

and this one?

49%

you droPPED not 1% not 2% but a FAT 14%

o boy

you have a feeling you’re not going to do too well on the final exam considering the journey so far

“i, uh, i did okay.” you shrug and stuff your test into your backpack quickly “how’d you do?”

“eh, i did okay too. 86% is fine, i guess.” namjoon murmurs and circles one of the questions on the test “i didn’t study as much for this one so that explains why i did more poorly compared to the first and second one.”

you peek over at namjoon’s test and let out a sigh when you notice his has a significantly less number of red cross marks

you love namjoon but you’re ready to smack the back of his head because you would be ecsTATIC if you got 86% on a midterm you barely studied for

“i’m probably going to go talk to jimin during office hours and ask for some help with the questions i got wrong. you wanna come with-“

“nO” you immediately curl into yourself and wince when namjoon mentions jimin

jimin

park jimin, if we’re being more specific here

he’s the TA for this class and let’s just say,..,,..,,. there’s a reason why the class filled up so quickly at the beginning of the year

he is drop-dead gorgeous

like unbelievably gorgeous

like sculpted from the gods themseLVEs gorgeous

soft, perfectly tousled raven locks

pretty brown eyes

the cutest button nose

and his lips

his pillowy lips that curl around certain words so perfectly and you’re always mesmerised when he takes over a lecture because he does this thing where his tongue will poke out and swipe over his bottom lip in the middle of his rant and you will never admit to anYone that you’ve fantasised about what it’d be like giving him plump bottom lip a lil kith once or twice or thrice

he has a couple ear piercings and you never thought you’d be attracted to that but oH boy you definitely are

not to mention he’s like???? so fashionable???????

most of the time he wears like a button-up tucked into a pair of slacks just to keep things professional or whatever but SOMETIMES he walks in in like a pair of ripped skinny jeans and a loose white tee and a denim jacket or something and that just gets your gears gOING

one time you caught a glimpse of his bicep flexing as he ran his hand through his hair and you literally couldn’t focus on anything for the rest of the class

(today he’s wearing a white button up tucked into a pair of ripped blue jeans and he has his thick black glasses sitting perfectly on his nose)

and!!!!! on top of that he’s the sweetest human being in the entire world

everything about him is just so utterly, frustratingly perfect

he gigGles very often and overtime he does that you’re pretty sure an angel is born in the heavens above

and he’s always super helpful with everyone

even though it’s pretty obvious some of the people in here approach him with the dumbest questions because they just want an excuse to talk to him he will anSwer those dumb questions and help them to the best of his abilities

you haven’t really had a conversation with him before just because this is a class with 200 people and you obviously aren’t going to elbow your way through the crowd just to stand there with nothing to ask him

the only question you can imagine yourself asking is “…..wat is a star” and u don’t want him thinking you’re a big ol dummy

however

the times that you havE interacted with him or the times that prove to you that he does indeed know that you exist have been awful to say the least

absolute humiliating

you don’t know why but every time you make a fool of yourself it’s in this class and it’s riGHt in front of jimin

when you were doing your presentation with a couple other classmates you kept stuttering over your words because jimin was in the front row just staring at you and you could feel your face growing redder than a tomato

you kept stumbling and missing important parts in the presentation so your teammates had to step up and help you a little and afterwards you apologised proFuSely and treated them all to a drink from starbucks

another time namjoon asked if you could go down to the front and grab his paper for him and as you were walking down the steps of the lecture theatre you missed a step and fell riGHT in front of jimin

so, in conclusion: jimin probably thinks you have a speech impediment aND you’re clumsy as hell

you’re just glad that there are only like 2 weeks of class left because that means you’ll finally be able to get away from jimin

it’s not like you want to get away from him

it’s just that

you can.,,.,. u can feel yourself starting to develop a tiny crush on him (spoiler alert you already have a fat ass crush on him you stubborn walnut) and that ain’t good because then you’ll be all sad and mopey because you know for a faCt park jimin is way WAY out of your league and there’s nothing you can do about it

“y/n.”

but you know what you should at least try and say something to him before the year ends because if you don’t you’ll probably regret it

“y/n.”

oR you could make an anonymous page on that ‘university crushes’ page (there are already severAL park jimin posts on that Facebook page so you’re sure your contribution won’t make a difference)

“y/n!!!!!!!” you jump when you feel someone grab your shoulder and you snap out of it immediately “what’s gotten into you?? i said your name like a trillion times!” jungkook furrows his brows

“what? what?” you look around frantically and-

what the heck

when did you get to the dining hall

“i said her name a trillion times on the way here and she didn’t reply to me either.” namjoon snorts as he picks up an apple from the fruit basket “she’s probably daydreaming about jimin again” he teases and you resist the urge to roll your eyes when you see slow smirks begin to appear on everyone’s faces

oh god

here it comes

“ooOooooOOOHH-“ jungook and taehyung begin teasing you and you whack their hands away when they reach up to pinch at your cheeks “our y/n has a little crush on park jimin!!!!!!!”

“i don’T have a crush on anyone!” you scowl and grab a carton of apple juice for yourself “cut it out, you freaks”

“aw, don’t be like that! it’s okay! he’s a very pretty person.” taehyung nods and grabs the juice box from your hand

“get your own juice box.” you snatch it back from tae’s hands before whipping around and heading towards the table where they put all the muffins and donuts (you’ve been craving something sweeT)

as you walk towards the table you turn your head so that you’re able to send a glaRE at your friends “i’m terminating this conversation because i do not want to talk about my crush on park jim- oH-!” suddenly you’re stumbling riGHt into someone and you feel hands grip at your waist to keep you steady while your own hands instinctively reach out to balance yourself

you turn your head back quickly ready to profusely apologise to this person for your clumsiness and that’s when you realise you just stumbled riGHT into-

p a r k   j i m i n

/…..FUCK

christ

jesus CHRIST

see

it happened again!!!!!!!!

whenever you do something humiliating jimin is riGHT there

“careful there!” he laughs lightly and you retract your hands from his pecs (ᵒʰ ᵐʸ ᵍᵒᵈ) immediately “you good?”

“great. i’m good!” you squeak out and feel your cheeks starting to warm “i- uh, are you okay? i’m so sorry, i wasn’t watching where i was going-“

“don’t worry about me, i’ll survive.” he jokes and your eyes immediately dart away because of your inability to hold eye contact for more than like fiVE seCONDS

“okay, cool, um, that’s good. ……anyways i’m just gonna pay for my juice box-“

“y/n, right?”

you immediately look back up at him

o god

he knows your name

okay okAY okay calm down just act cool you’re super cool you’re a cool gal!!!!!!!

[high pitchy voice] ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ ᶠᶦⁿᵉᵎ

“yes. that’s me. i am her. i am y/n.” okay there we go we finally got there “you’re… jimin.” oOFhkj

u know what just shut up don’t say anything

“you’re the one who wrote about astronomy and its relationship with astrology, right?”

huh

oH righhhhhht that paper you had to write for astronomy

while you’re not good at exam-type things you’re pretty good when it comes to papers because it’s just you ranting about something but make it ~professional~ aNd also cite ur sources

“yes! that was me!!” you perk up because that paper was the onLy thing you were confident handing in in the class lol “i actually changed my topic last minute but i’m glad i did because i had a loT to say about the subject - b-but you probably already know that because you’re the one who graded it, hah-“ you reach up and scratch the back of your neck awkwardly

you catch a glimpse of the boys over jimin’s shoulder

they already paid for their food and they’re sitting at your guys’ usual table and while namjoon is shooting you a thumbs up and a dimpley smile both tae and kook are being iDIOTS

kook has his fingers curled like an ‘o’ while tae is sticking his finger through the hole and they’re botH wiggling their brows at you and you feel your cheeks warm even moRE

that’s so embarrassing

why are boys like that

whY are you friends with boys like that

namjoon scowls and whacks their hands down before pointing to their food and you can practically hear namjoon telling them to cut it out and just eAT you dumbasses

“i thought it was really well-written and very well executed. i enjoyed reading it, actually. i enjoyed it so much i read it twice!” jimin laughs and you feel your heart skip a beat when you hear his cute giggle “how did you do on the latest midterm?”

you’re not… particularly sure why jimin is stiLL talking to you

it’s not like you’re complaning or anything

you’re just confused 

..,.,.,is he just being friendly because TA evaluations come out soon

hM

“i did, um… let’s just say i could’ve done a loT better.” you clear your throat

you’re not about to remind him of your grades because u really reaLLy don’t want him to think you’re a moron  

“oh! i’m sorry to hear that…” he frowns and his shoulders droop slightly before he perks up again “i’d be happy to talk to you and help you out! i’m free at 5:30 this afternoon.”

“5:30 works for me! but don’t office hours end at 4?” you furrow your brows in confusion and your bottom lip pokes out a little in the tiniest of pouts and jimin uwus internally

“yeah, and?” he still has his bright smile on his face and you are just conFUSEd “i’ll help you out and maybe we can grab a bite to eat afterwards.”

wait what

wait hWAT

“are- are you sure? i don’t want to inconvenience you or anything-“

“don’t be silly, you could never. here, i’ll give you my number.” jimin plucks the pen out from behind his ear and grabs your hand and you feel your heart rate SPIKE almost immediately

you instinctively giggle when the pen starts gliding against your skin and jimin peeks up at you with a smirk “ticklish?”

you take your bottom lip in between your teeth and keep your eyes on your hand “a lil”

jimin clicks the pen and tucks it back behind his ear and you look at the digits that have been scrawled on your hand “alright, i have some more midterms to grade so i’m going to disappear but i’ll see you later?”

“yes, that sounds good” you swallow thickly because you’re still registering the fact that park jimin just,,, gave you his number

“see ya!” jimin waves at you as he starts to walk away and u literally almost scream when his right eye drops in a wink

you wave back at him shyly and press your lips together

what is going on

is this a fever dream

are you in a simulation maybe

and then you’re standing there just wondering.,..,,. what was THAT and also are u going on a….. date later

nO no no

don’t over think it

he’s just being nice

he’s a nice guy

jimin lets out a breath once he leaves the dining hall and he has to stop to let his heart calm down a little

god damN

that number thing was a bold move but he’s so glad you didn’t reject him or anything

hopefully you show up this afternoon otherwise that’d kinda suCK

he can’t believe it took him nearly two whole semesters to finally grow some balls and say something to u lol

better late than never!!

help me help you make your wishes come tru (aka send me a request)

masterlist

[moonraccoon-exe]

(1) Hello Coonie! *hugs you tightly* So good to hear from you too. I had some stressful days too. I went to Berlin with my mom for a couple of days for our annual city trip and as soon as I returned I fell sick and had no voice for days. Gladly I am well again. And now the 40 degrees hot weather is killing me. It’s the hottest in Germany since we started recording the weather. But don’t wanna complain too much. Berlin was amazing. We visited the botanical garden, wich was so stunning.

(2) The cacti were blooming and the Water Lilies and they had a pond with beautiful Koi Carps. And we visited the Pergamon Museum. Sadly the huge antique pergamon altar was being restored but I got to see the beautiful Ishtar gate and the market gate of miletus. And one day I will surely get so see the altar. :3 But how are things for you? The stressful stuff over? And hopefully the heat isn’t so bad where you are. And lots of luck for you so you will be able to see the blood moon next time.

PERIDOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

*HUG SQUEEZES*

PERIDOT, YOU MUFFIN, IT’S YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ❤❤❤

Hewwo Peridot!!!! Happy to be answering to you again!!

Aaah, I’m sorry to hear that you had some stressful days. Lamentably those come and go and all we can do is deal with them. Sorry you had to go through that, though, it’s never comfortable or enjoyable!! Wishing you some really nice restful very wonderful days now

YOU WENT TO BERLIN AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH! I know it’s just the yearly thing to you but holy shit is it a goal for me!! I bet it’s really beautiful! I’m really glad to know that you had a blast in there!

Though yet again I’m sorry to hear you fell sick and, to make it worse, you were received with such weather. I’ve heard indeed that it’s been a hellhole over there, which is super strange! You europe people are known for constant rain and cold weather, and I mean, even when it’s summer it’s no comparison to tropical countries…so to know you’ve been at 40°C!?!?! That’s HELL, not even me in a tropical country have been in that heat!!! Very close, though, and if we were at 40 I didn’t check, but it’s not usual and GODS if I MELT at 31 I can’t imagine what 40 must have felt. AND TO BE RECEIVED IN THAT HEAT RIGHT WHEN YOU FELL SICK?!?!

Holy cows, I’m sorry about that Peridot! No wonder it was super stressful days to you, it must have been awful, terrible! ;A;

What matters is that you’re doing okay now and much better. Really happy to know that!!! Your voice is back and you’re back on track hek yeh!

YOU WENT TO SEE BOTANICAL STUFF IN BERLIN I WANNA GO I WANNA GO I WANNA GOOOOOOO ASLDKJFGLKDJ LDKAJ

BLOOMING CACTI. THAT SOUNDS LIKE A DREAM, CACTI ARE SO CUTE AND ADORBS AND I LOVE THEM just don’t have them because papa said they’re usual home for spiders? and I’m TERRIBLE WITH SPIDERS KALJSDKLDGJADLK BUT I LOVE SEEING CACTI!!!

HOH!? WATER LILIES’ POND HAD KOI CARPS!?!?

I  L O V E  KOI CA R P S 

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

It must have look SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO stunning!!!! What a breathtaking mental image, to get to see a beautiful pond with the roundish leaves idk the name in english and the lilies all over it and the adorable, beautiful, mystica Koi swimming around…AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH WHAT A BEAUTIFUL SIGHT!!!!!!!!

HOH! Pergamon Museum? Never heard of it! BETCHA IT’S GLORIOUS THOUGH, Imma look it up in better detail later on! 

Aaw, sorry to hear that you didn’t get to see the huge antique altar. I guess it must be one of the main things to see, and even if not, huge and antique and altar? That sounds like something important and that I’d love to see for sure! Sorry that you missed it, but we shall take it as good that authorities are doing restoration works! c:

GASPS.

AN ISHTAR GATE!?!?!?! HOLY ROLLY MACCAROONIE THAT SOUNDS LIKE AN INCREDIBLY VALUABLE, ABSOLUTELY WONDERFUL THING!!!!!!!!!!! I JUST GOOGLED IT AND IT LOOKS SO BEAUTIFUL LIKE HOLY WOWEE YOU GUYS HAVE THAT!?!?!??!?! .A.

AND THE MARKET GATE OF MILETUS!?!?!?!??!?!

HOW HAD I NEVER HEARD OF THIS MUSEUM BEFORE HOLY FUCKING MACCAROONIES THAT SOUNDS LIKE ABSOLUTE MADNESS, IT’S INCREDIBLE I CAN’T BELIEVE IT, ISHTAR GATE AND MARKET GATE OF MULETUS ALL IN THE SAME PLACE AKLSJDKLFAJGDKLGDJALGKADJGLKADGJA I CAN BARELY IMAGINE WHAT THE ALTAR LOOKS LIKE!!!!!! HOLY WOOLY ROLLY WHAAAAAAAT!!!

AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH AKLSDJFALKDGJDALKGJAD

*FLAILS ALL OVER THE PLACE*

PERIDOT BUDDY THAT ALL SOUNDS SOOOOOOOOOOOOO FANTASTIC AND SO VERY BEAUTIFUL!!!!!!!!!!! NO WONDER YOU ENJOYED BERLIN I MEAN??? AKSDJFLKAGJADKLGJADKLGJADLKGJAD THAT SOUNDS LIKE A FREAKING EPIC TIME, MUSEUMS ARE THE BEST THING EVER AND I ALREADY LOVE THE PERGAMON MUSEUM AND IT’S A GOAL NOW THANK U

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, Peridot, I’m SO happy you got to go out of routine to see wonderful things and go places!!! That’s what does best to the soul, traveling, even if it’s just to other parts of the country/city you hadn’t been to before, especially so to museums and other things alike!! It’s WONDERFUL for you, I’m happy to know all of this!!

Thank you for asking how I’m doing! It’s been good but I’m getting tired really easily. I’m going into uni finally on the 5th, and I’m not THAT excited. It’s on the top 5 of the biggest/most important of latinamerica and it’s free (well, okay, 0.20 centavos which is according to internet 0.01 dollars per semester), so it’s like the absolute dream of so many people, there’s a lot that move from other states to the capital and the suburban areas (same school but it’s got like 10 campuses), which is huge because the country is huge so moving state isn’t like an hour away,some are literally 19 hours away by car, but I’m just eh?

I mean, don’t get me wrong, I’m super exccited about what I’m going to learn. I’m just not on sync with everyone else? Like my bro is super proud and bragging everywhere that I’m into that school (he studied there too) and my parents are like KAJSDLKAJGDA WELCOMING CEREMONY YAAAAAAY and as happy and excited and thrilled as I am about the classes, I’m just not...in the hype? lol it’d difficult to explain

Not to say that I think about school and I get tired. Walking there, going daily, it takes me out of my routine, which is good but it wears me out mentally. I don’t know, I just...I’m really exhausted mentally and thinking about school wears me out even more. So sadly no, the stressful stuff is just starting. I hope it won’t interfere too much with my fic writing and blogging because I love it :c I want the knowledge but tihngs like homework or exams are like ehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

And another good thing besides it being a super renowned school so I’m eager to learn despite everything else is that as a student of that school I get free medical, psychological, and tooth-thing services, which I think I need a lot, all three of them lol Don’t worry I’m not feeling bad or anything, but I’m underweight, my teeth don’t hurt but gods know I haven’t been to the dentist in YEARS, and there’s some stuff I’d like to talk with a psychologist just to know I’m not dragging some weight I don’t even know exists. 

I don’t know if I’m not excited about school itself, or if I’m just mentally exhausted which I try to justify with not being excited? Hasdanga ah man who knows. But thank you for asking!!! :3

And thankfully no, the heat isn’t so bad!! It was bad some days like mid spring or starting summer, I don’t know, like SUPER HOT, there wer nights I couldn’t even sleep, but thankfully summer has been really rainy and very cloudy. Not going to lie, it’s still more heat than I like because I love the cold so even the ‘normal’ heat tires me and I hate it, but overall it’s been rainy and chill

BUT ANYWAYS PERIDOT

Like always I’m SUPER HAPPY to get to be replying to you yet again!!!!!!! Thank you immensely for taking the time to write to me and for letting me know what’s up!

Sending you my WARMIEST FLOOFIEST SHNUGGLEZ and lots of magic, my friend!! Have a WONDERFUL night!!(ﾉ´ヮ`)ﾉ*: ･ﾟ

[veratiserum]

(slight trigger warning? nothing explicit uh mentions of me being a bit. um. insane? and not very nice to myself) ok so i'm watching this video on why u could potentially be irritated all the time bcs for the past two months or so i've been like "oh it's just rlly, rllyy bad pms" but i just finished my period like a week ago so it makes no sense?? anyways, the guy in this video is like: u consume too much caffeine, ur burnt out, there's too much load on u, ur a perfectionist, u haven't exercised in months, ur bottling up too many negative emotions, u don't sleep enough, ur always staring at a screen and also u r not normal if u constantly feel this shit and i'm just blinking at my screen, called out, embarrassed and also,,, irritated. i mean honestly, i don't rlly know how to sort myself out. bcs of stupid fucking covid all of my exams were squashed in the time frame of october/november to may/june. i've had four sets of exams; think about it. i started prepping in september, finished my exams end october; had to complete my syllabus AND study in november, give mids in december; study, reconcile, try not to off myself; mocks in february/march and finally, my actual fucking high-school exams from the end of april to mid june. like?? when. when do i have time to be like, "hey, i should work out", any free time i have is invested in curling up into a ball in bed and blocking out the world with fucking rex orange county or watching some stupid netflix show to fill the void. i haven't met up with any of my friends in months; i went to dinner with my cousin yesterday and all i could think about is how fucked i am for my exam in 5 days. my parents and teachers and peers have this fucked up little idea of me in their heads where its like, "oh vera? she gets A*s" and i have to remind everyone that, that was me in middle school and i actually got 2 C's in my mocks bcs i'm a fucking donkey. apparently, i'm just not trying hard enough and i have no drive/desire to make something of myself. i wake up between 4-5 am to talk to my girlfriend and sleep by 11pm - 12am bcs sleeping means i have to wake up tmrrw and repeat the whole fucking process because every day is exactly the same and i'm running out of things to feel happy about. hurrah, it might rain; oh wow my desk looks so nice in the sun today; i love eating the same type of pasta for 2 weeks!! like its been over 6 months and i'm fucking sick of my life. i consume caffeine to feel okay ish for 2 hours before i crash bcs i can't stay awake anymore; i get out of bed and i want to get right back in. the other day i slammed my head across my desk bcs i couldn't memorise my flashcards and it felt like something i probably would never have ever done but hey, i couldn't open my mouth for two days without wincing and it hurt like a bitch. so. there. and all i want is for it to be june 10th. june 10th. june 10th. june 10th. june 10th. june 10th. june 10th. june 10th. june 10th. june 10th. june 10th. june 10th. june 10th. june 10th. and i can finally. finally. finally what. what will i do when i'm finally free. i'll lie down in the pool and let the underwater charlie brown voices of my parents lull me to sleep because, hey vera, you did a good job. we're fucking proud of you. rest up because you still have college and uni and life. and life. and life. and i might sink a little and let the water fill my nose and my mouth and let it choke me and feel my hair swirl around and wrap itself around my neck and my limbs and feel myself get dragged lower and lower and i'll open my eyes and be trapped in blue, enclosing, suffocating blue forever. right, anywayss, now i'm off to finish a physics practice paper and then stare at myself in the mirror until my eyes stop blurring over. <3

[whyshanti]

twenty nineteen. periodt.

i genuinely felt the need to write this because i was bored i have not written anything in a really long time. but mostly because there’s only a few who might read this and not care afterwards. it sucks to not be able to do something that i used to enjoy for quite a while. but here i am!

a lot of thoughts to unburden and a lot of unspoken feelings to unpack. let’s get to it, bih.

1. this year felt like it was dragging on. i wanted it to end asap.

so this year, i actually had A LOT of time. where did it go? 

to: movies, series, anime, music, watching youtube videos, breakdowns, feeling stuck & paralyzed,  academics, reading articles about pop culture & mainstream shit, going out with friends, chatting random ppl at night bc i thought i could trust them (and some of them, i can), and etc.

but on a more serious note, i really was more into the world of media, of both mainstream and indie worlds. i still can’t believe i got through this semester when i have been doing these things unrelated to uni. some ppl are also baffled by this activity log that i have. 

point is: i felt like a walking zombie. probably looked like one as well. there is this routine that i have to do and i got really sick of myself. i didn’t have the motivation to strive more. i was always either sleeping (at least for the first half of the year) or watching. it all feels lifeless. the latter part of the year, my body clock was wrecked. i did not like the weather during daytime. at all. i slept during the day when i did not have classes then i was awake at night. but i try to get as much sleep as i can because my health is declining. i think.

also this year felt like it had 3 sequels. unnecessary, boring, full-of-jump-scares type of sequels. fuck.

2. feeling anxious and chill at the same time.

the only thing that made me feel chill at the latter part of the year is the fact that this shit... like all these shitty things we’ve been doing... will pass anyway. 

i don’t know if it’s because of the new system that was implemented but it definitely feels like the stress levels were high only during exam weeks. for real. i am grateful to have THAT kind of “stress privilege (??)” but i also wish i was stressing over something that gives me LIFE. i know i’m studying for something that will actually help me provide something for myself and for my family but my soul (oh crap here’s where things get cheesy) screams i should do something else. 

my friend always tells me to chill but i couldn’t because there’s always that nagging thought that i have to do something productive everyday. i think it stems from past disappointments, failed expectations from ppl close to me, and just basically feeling like a failure. i’m a frantic mess who somehow has the time to do unnecessary things. wish the energy was put into finishing acads on time or earlier, but here we are. think they meant that i should be chill with mysef. to be kind to myself. to not panic and breathe.

another thing is that there’s a load of information shoved in my head that really paralyzes me to act on something.

3. leaving behind the things i’ve outgrown.

it’s so funny how i’ve met few new people this year who i already treasure only to have quite a number of people to walk out of my life.

it’s not really surprising to me. i think we all wanted it to happen anyway. i’m just happy that things kind of subtly fell apart for things to make more sense. the feeling is kind of like how a misplaced puzzle piece is put into its rightful place. finally, i don’t have to force myself and i think the feelings are mutual. anyway, this year was a revelation in itself despite how dragging the pacing felt. love how the gunk went out and i see now what i’ve been blind to. chuck the deuce! definitely a thank u, next moment.

4. meeting new people, unexpected unions.

i definitely did not expect to form connections and be reunited with some of my old friends this year. also witnessed deepened friendships. 

there’s always this thing where i put my energy on a high level when i’m meeting new people just to seem decent and happy then slowly revealing how tired, sad, and boring i can be. then there’s that fear of losing people’s interest in me or people not becoming excited to talk to me about... anything really. never thought i’d have this fear of losing certain people in my life. i want to detach myself from that and from people themselves too (in a healthy way ofc). 

i’ve never ever felt like i could lose people in an instant. there’s that thing where i worry if i’m too much or i’m lacking for people. so i appreciate people who let me know if i’m crossing the line or if i’m doing something that completely annoys them because i really want to be part of people’s lives, meaningfully and genuinely. a good one. i don’t want to half-ass my relationships with other people and i seek loving relationships that thrive and inspire where it doesn’t only get good at the start but is continually progressing even when we don’t see each other often. it’s fascinating how as we get older, we see how relationships are not as simple as we think they are but really are simple at the same time. we have different goals, we are at different stages in our lives, we are facing shit that nobody else seems to understand and things that don’t seem to end, and we can only hope that our mere presence and emotionally available hearts will listen to whatever the other person has to unburden. 

to somehow let them know that they don’t need permission to rest and to do things that they are afraid of pursuing. 

4a. discovering new artists.

AURORA: the most underrated artist for sure. watched every interview/video/set because she is that bitch. her SONGS, man. i swear. she is that ethereal fairy from the forest. her fucking voice just draws me in. she deserved a better role in frozen 2 tho. she needs to be a lead in a musical animated movie. idc idc i said what i said.

beabadoobee: fucking rockstar, reviving the 90s grunge music and looks.

Billie Eilish: a badass. hate how she still stans bieber tho. 

5. daydreaming of a new life.

you don’t know how many times i’ve been dreaming to have a big house. 

it’s time. we really need a new house. i’m not, as what the kids say, vibing with this old house anymore. this is what i wish to leave behind as soon as possible. how do i even get the MONEY to afford it? i’m just hoping for a miracle to happen, you know. i really wish my family gets to be in a better home soon.

i think if u know me, u might have caught me spacing out a few times. 

idk why this always happens. it’s so rude to the person speaking to me but my mind literally drifts off to another planet. it’s not that they’re boring. i just can’t help it. i feel like shit thinking about how many times it has happened to me. 

sometimes, i dream of being this whole new different person. 

someone who is better than who i am. someone who is good at something and is passionate about the things she does. there are a lot of things i am interested in doing but i don’t have the courage to actually do it. idk why i always turn into a statue when i think of things that i wanna do.

6. God.

it’s been a long time. i have lost contact with You but You are always there to patch things up for me. every effin’ time. i cry everytime.

it must be because i was raised in a christian setting. that’s why i always think it’s You who’s working behind the scenes. but still i am grateful.

saved me from certain people.

saved me this semester.

saved me from pulling worthless all-nighters.

provided me financially esp when i thought i had nothing.

prevented a severe acid reflux situation.

gave me new friends.

did literally so many things that saved me from bad situations and people in general like WHO DOES THAT??

7. a life without a plan.

this is literally what i wanted to happen. not carelessly but like where i don’t have to worry about what to do next. just let things be and go with the flow. the first half of this year, i really did not think things through as i normally would and i let plans fall just to enjoy what was in front of me. be at ease and be present during that time. and i did. it was a peaceful, cheery time tbh.

8. every day i wanted to start over just to get over a lot of things.

9. i missed a lot of ppl.

10. i wanted to be held. not by a certain someone. not romantically. but by anyone close to me. *plays i’m with you by avril lavigne*

sometimes we all just need a long hug. that’s all. and it’d be nice to hear more stories from people. :)

11. not everybody will reciprocate the same energy that i send out to them and it’s okay.

this bummed me out. felt like an effin’ loser but i’ve learned that people have businesses to do. life doesn’t always happen the way we want it to.

12. this the final year of college. just finish it already, dumbass. 

13. why can’t i just be kathryn bernardo or AURORA for like a month or a year? i promise i will not ruin their careers lmao.

14. i want to make major changes in my stupid life but money is an issue.

15. the stars are below the sky now.

the state of the environment is the same as of our minds. polluted and overloaded with gibberish to the point that we get scared of doing one thing at a time and where we also don’t throw away the unnecessary baggage/s. 

we’re so intent on doing things all at the same time. finishing everything in one sitting. being productive became an addiction and it scared me how i was becoming affected by this. there’s this constant thought that we collectively share which is to do something by every day and it only adds up to people’s anxiety and depression. social media definitely made us aware of mental illnesses/disorders but then it became a trend. people self-diagnose themselves and end up with the wrong treatment. some people use it as a tool to get followers and... ugh it’s all a mess. i hope people get the right treatment/s AND/or professional help because if they don’t, they’ll lose themselves. i mean... just look at the sky. there’s literally no sign of a star now if u live in the city. we’ve lost sight of what should guide us. we are unconsciously following a false light thru our devices. 

i’m not good at analogies or at explaining things as u can tell. but moving on...

this hyper self-awareness that i have gained from social media has its advantages but is also distracting me from living my best life. i didn’t realize that i was making my own christmas lights inside my seemingly dark mind when really... it’s just clouded by all this information that’s coming in fast and has affected who i am and certain areas of my life. i’ve almost forgotten this and i’ve come to believe again that there’s always an ever-present light and it will take time to get used to its brightness once my mind gets clearer by the day. hopefully, it will.

anyway, CLIMATE CHANGE IS REAL AND WE NEED TO SAVE EARTH. 

16. men are trash. 

17. the people who i should avoid always looks odd or unpleasant and has bad energy. i know shit when i sense one. 

18. i’m not happy with my life and with who i am but i’ll work with what i’ve got.

life gives u a mirror and shits on your face. sheesh.

for some reason, i can’t forget what my adviser told me during my 4th year of high school. she told me “it seems like you’re a person full of regrets” and every time i have a cryfest, i think of that. idk why. (never underestimate the power of a few words, folks). you know how like in flow charts, u encounter decision points? the diamond shapes? i think i always decide no and end up with the worst consequence and then there’s no more starting over. 

i don’t think i understand flow charts well. ugh. 

i can’t come up with a cool transition to me having insecurities so let’s say i did!

some people’s beauty, inspiring. but others just make you feel like shit.

i really want to explore my feminine side more because i was more masculine when i was younger. i’m not gentle, i’m a bit aggressive. and it just doesn’t fit with who i want to be. idk why. and also, it’s fun (!!!). you get a taste of what it’s like and it’s so EMPOWERING at least for the short experience that i had. but can make me feel very conscious of my entire being and i just end up wearing cartoony disguises. ironic but BABY STEPS. when i think about it, there’s really no black or white answer whether this or that is feminine or masculine.  

self-love is not a 5-step process. 

it is continuous improvement of oneself to the point where you don’t give a fuck about what they say. i really envy the ones who are comfortable in their own skin, who are totally embracing their flaws. they just bloom. some people just look like them. like it’s SO THEM. unmistakably them. and i think if everyone had that, we would not have standards anymore.

oh, to live in a time where individuality is encouraged but is also discouraged when not lived up to its standards. hurray.

19. this year was the year of mindless decisions. periodt.

20. hoping that the new year, 2020, will be the year of CLARITY where i know who i really am, embracing it, and where i will not be taking anymore of anyone’s bullshit. where i know where i stand in my relationships with other people and vice versa. there will be intentional but meaningful endings that will pave the way for blossoming beginnings. 

let’s hope it unfolds the way it should be. for the better.

bonus: nobody knows what the fuck they’re doing. everyone’s just going with the flow. be yourself.

note: this is a compilation of thoughts, informally. thank u.