#anyway... maybe a nap will fix me. at least for a while 😂

[z-aliada]

Waiting for an email which is supposed to let me know whether I'll need to submit yet another thing before midnight (which is, like, in 6 hours). Never mind that I actually sent this first thing on the fifth and so they had more than enough time to get back to me (esp considering that the event is on the 12th, which is, like, a DAY away basically and I still have no idea whether I'm even allowed to participate). And now if I don't get a reply before the end of the day, I'll have to miss another thing, which, as it now turns out, would've been much more convenient for me. Yeah, it even sounds deeply chaotic and convoluted. Ugh, why is life so difficult... 😅

[agirlneedsgoals]

State of the Me

We're just gonna cut this...

I sort of ran out of meds. I know, look. Sometimes my executive dysfunction isn't just dysfunction, it's actually just an empty space with [program code goes here] in it. The worse I feel, the harder it is to get it back. And once I ran out of the nerve meds, I was in actual agony for a while, so.

But I fixed it. After I ran out of one of the heart meds. I didn't know what to do! CVS kept telling me I have copays on my meds (which I don't) but I was switched to a new insurance as of October...but they never sent me a card...I don't know who to call...I tried looking in my account with the state and it said I didn't have an account so. I just kind of stalled there for a bit.

Anyway, CVS somehow had two insurances listed and one was not mine. I made them take it off and my copays disappeared because whether I have new insurance or not, CVS uses my account number from the state, so that never changed. Nobody wants to go into town today so I'll get them tomorrow.

I've been cooking more! Well, I still make my mom sous chef for me. But I've been doing actual cookery lately. I really, really, REALLY miss cooking. Remember when I used to throw off big cakes for birthdays or send cookies out for Christmas or host dinner parties? They honestly seem like a dream now. I get so overwhelmed. It's stupid.

My brain is not a well place right now. I can hardscrabble for some kind of balance sometimes but then I trip and I fall into bad thoughts and feelings. It's deep and dark sometimes. Idk what to do about that, either. I'm not looking to harm myself so I guess I can just drown here for a while.

Still can't sleep. 2 hours max at a time, if that. Last night, I didn't get to sleep until 6 am this morning.

This week, I made wilted spinach salad with goat cheese, hazelnuts, and dried cherries on Sunday and blueberry chicken salad (the key to chicken salad is only use Greek yogurt, NO MAYONNAISE, Christ) on Monday. I accidentally napped until 7 pm last night so mom made the stew. I don't use a recipe for stew but I had left a list of ingredients for it and she used that. Without finding a recipe even! I was so proud.

Tonight is cashew chicken. No, not that cashew chicken. This one has roasted chicken with a cashew butter "sauce" that's way too thick to be a sauce, then you toast it under a broiler. I think I first made it in culinary school. Tomorrow is gonna be pork butadon. It was supposed to be pork belly but Sam's Club betrayed me so I'm subbing pork loin.

I've been watching The Witcher on repeat. I'm getting bitched at over it. Look, when my brain has no brain left to give, I do nothing but comfort and right now that's a choice between The Witcher or Forensic Files and Witcher had such lovely angst this last season so fuck off. 😊

I bought leg warmers. I'm partial to capri leggings but there is snow so what do? Leg warmers. I only got the one pair in black because I wasn't sure I'd like the texture of the knit but now I need like 10 pairs in all the colors.

I've been writing. Not really writing. Like typing out tiny pieces of things that could be fanfic if I ever finished them. I have started 10 different pieces. None of them are even close to being finished, most of them are fragmented. Was it always this hard? It's been SO LONG, jfc.

Writing my own stuff? 😂😂😂 No. I don't have access to that in my brain. Can't feel it at all. No Dizzy and zombies, no Faith and monsters, no Vianne and demons. Sads. But I would like to finish at least a little short fanfic maybe???

Let's see, good things, good things. I'm going to visit friends down in the Valley at the end of the month. That will be nice. I miss people.