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ricesoupremacy · 2 years ago

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have a seat child lemme tell you a tale

ok so we’re doing this

@thepermanentscowl i'm just going to post this here because...no one looks at my blog anyway lmao and i don't care

i'm just going to pray i don't look back at this and regret telling you embarrassing shit but fuck it we ball and also i trust you.

warning: this is probably going to read like a shitty cringy school fanfic (look i have girl friends who use wattpad so i am cursed with knowledge okay) but this is absolutely 100% true.

warning #2: there’s a lot of meandering but i won’t apologise because. it’s my story and i’ll tell it however i want.

warning #3: if it seems like it gets a bit dramatic towards the end it’s because i got sad.

overall warning: very long. unedited. full of random shit. read at your own risk.

ANYWAY prepare yourself to read a love story better than romeo and juliet, than jack and rose, than even twilight. prepare to read the most beautifully tragic romance ever.

where do i begin.

Ok so when I was in fifth grade, I had the misfortune of somehow landing in the worst class an idiot child like me could end up in. I was never the “quiet kid”- on the contrary, I was always the one jumping on tables and getting sent out of class- but being with people like my classmates made me a Sad Boi for a whole year. You know, 10-11 year-old kids who’d just realised romance was a thing and who felt the need to incorporate it into every aspect of their dumb almost-middle-school lives. Every day was ‘OoOOHhHh wHo dO yOu LiKe’ or ‘oOOOhHHh wHo ArE yOu LoOkInG aT’. I couldn’t really blame them for getting over-excited, maybe I was just boring for my age. Anyway, I morphed into a kid who spent his lunch breaks sneaking books from the senior library and consulting a mini Oxford dictionary whenever I was in doubt, which was often.

It wasn’t just the teasing that got on my nerves, it was that my classmates were those pre-adolescents who’d later grow up into those wannabe Am-EHRIK-en teenagers- thinking they were so cool and sporting superior ‘Oh you don’t watch so-and-so hot boy’s Youtube channel? How saa-yad.’ airs that made me want to gag. I digress but whatever.

Needless to say, the Oxford Pocket dictionary was my best friend that year.

From a kid who ran into school bright-eyed and beaming every day, I turned into one who dreaded the prospect of entering a class with fresh hormone charged, irritating-beyond-words kids who were more concerned about some low-life’s Youtube tutorials than playing Tag. I did not care about next year. I was going to stay a silent emo kid planning murder at the back of my class forever. Was…what I thought.

___

I hadn’t even bothered to look at my 6th grade class list properly when we went for the end-of-the-year PTM. I was mildly surprised that I’d been shifted to a class with a completely different set of kids, many of whose names were unfamiliar. It’s probably going to be a repeat of last year, I thought. Whatever, just keep your head down and find something good to read. And let them think you’re the snooty class-topper who looks down on everyone else. You don’t care what they think of you, anyway.

Those were the sunshiny thoughts running through my head when I walked through the corridors on the first day of sixth grade, ignoring the kids running around and chattering happily with their friends, completely oblivious of the fact that one of those kids was running way too fast without looking- in my direction. Next thing I knew, I felt a body slam into me, knocking me to the ground. I fell on my school bag, the other kid fell on top of me. He immediately got up, but I barely saw him. I was too busy opening my bag to check if my books were okay- and they were, by some miracle. No damage. It was only when I breathed a sigh of relief that I became aware that some kids were asking if I was alright, and the boy who had run into me was apologising profusely and looking very guilty. I snapped out of my thoughts and looked at the boy warily. Wildly curly hair, glasses askew, shirt untucked. He looked like one word- trouble. ‘It’s fine’, I said to him. ‘I’m fine. Stop saying sorry.’ He looked relieved.

I got up and began to walk to class. The boy fell into step beside me, and said ‘You’re Arya, right?’

I looked at him, surprised. ‘Yes…how do you know my name?’

He seemed excited for some reason. ‘Um, I saw you at the inter-house Spell-Bee last year. You were really cool. I didn’t even know half the words,’ he grinned.

I looked at him properly for the first time. He came to my shoulder, he had brown wide eyes, and he spoke really fast and animated, like an RJ.

I found myself grinning back at him. He had the most infectious smile.

‘I’m Vishwesh!’ he said very excitedly.

‘Sounds like “fish”’ was the first, highly intelligent thought that I blurted out and immediately hated myself for saying. What the hell, I thought. WHO SAYS THAT TO SOMEONE THEY JUST MET?!

Vishwesh stared at me. Then he laughed. ‘You’re right, it does. Hey, you can call me that if you want.’

I was confused. ‘Sure? You want to be called Fish?’

‘It sounds funny. I’ve never had a funny nickname. And we’re in the same class.’

We were? What a coincidence. At least there seemed to be one guy I could be friends with.

Fish walked me to our class, talking about last night’s cricket match that I hadn’t watched. I decided that I liked his voice. A little higher than most boys our age, frequented by voice cracks. His constant stream of chatter was weirdly soothing. I usually got really annoyed by people who didn’t know when to shut up (still do btw).

We climbed up the last flight of stairs and stood at the doorway. I stared.

The first thing I saw was a boy standing on a table and scream-singing “Thunder” while a bunch of other guys ran around him like they were summoning a spirit. The second thing I saw was a group of girls throwing a tennis ball at each other. One of them threw it a bit too hard (obviously, an accident. Obviously.), and it sailed out of the class and hit our (female) chemistry teacher- who was flirting with our (male) biology teacher- right in the face. The chem teacher stormed into class yelling at the girl (who was making a heroic effort not to laugh), while the bio teacher took the opportunity to go pasta la vista, and the demonic chanting of “thu-thu-THUNDAH” just grew louder. It was the most chaotic scene imaginable. Fish looked at me and chuckled. ‘Better get used to stuff like this.’

I almost shed tears of joy.

I’d finally found my people.

___

Surprising most people including myself, Fish and I got along like a house on fire. Classic anime trope- short idiot delinquent boy who’s actually really nice becomes besties with the tall brooding introverted topper (not to bRaG). We bonded. Even though we were…different. He was fun. And he brought back the dying fire of fun in me.

I also became pretty close to the aforementioned Thunder-boy and Tennis-ball-girl- their names were Tanmay (yes, that guy with the plane and bomb knowledge) and Nadia. Who were. Also grade toppers. Somehow.

Apparently Fish had joined the previous year and had become fast friends with Tanmay. The kids in their section hadn't been shuffled at all, except for me. I was the only one who didn’t already know everyone. But that changed pretty quick. Everyone was so friendly and welcoming, it felt like I’d known them for ages. Especially Fish (which is what I ended up calling him all the time).

Initially, I got the feeling Tanmay disliked me (he did). I felt this hostile energy radiating off him whenever Fish started fanboying about Eminem to me. I guessed he felt a bit put out that his best friend had betrayed him, but it’s not like he completely ignored Tanmay. I tried talking to him too, but I was often snubbed. Idiot. Anyway, I soon used his weakness (Imagine Dragons) to charm my way into his heart and boom, Tanmay suddenly loves me. The three of us became a really tight friend group. But Fish and I always did practically everything together.

I guess it was because we complemented each other really well. Fish was absolutely reckless, and he needed moi to make sure he didn’t kill himself (mom energy lol). I’d grown too withdrawn, and he helped me loosen up. And we both loved cricket.

Once, we were hanging out near the school swimming pool. It’s open and the adjoining compound opens into the school owner’s mansion. The brick wall that separates the school and house isn’t high, but no nut would dare trespass.

Except my nut best friend.

He was trying to show me this trick with his ID card, and accidentally flipped it too high. It sailed over the wall and onto the owner’s manicured lawn. We both looked at each other. Before I could say, “Don’t even think about it,” Fish had taken his shoes off and hauled himself up with the agility of a small monkey, and jumped to the other side. I held my breath and waited, and soon his head popped up over the wall, followed by the rest of his body. He sat there and swung his legs, and we realised that he’s made a Miscalculation. See, the owner’s plot was a level higher than the school ground level. So he could jump to the other side, no problem. But he couldn’t jump back to this side without breaking his ankles. So he had to carefully turn and feel for a foothold on the brick wall while hanging precariously by his fingers.

Climbing down a wall is often a much more terrifying ordeal than climbing up one, especially for a barely five foot tall child. He tried to act cool but I could see his hands tremble. Fish’s foot was just a few centimetres above a hold he couldn’t see. He gingerly placed one foot on it. Then the other.

Then he slipped.

I caught him.

I staggered back, but somehow, somehow, I didn’t lose my balance and fall and kill us both. I set him on his feet.

He beamed and waved the retrieved ID like a medal. ‘Mission accomplished.’ I laughed.

‘Thanks, dude. I thought I was gonna die. When the hell did you get so strong?’ He punched my shoulder.

‘I’m not strong, you’re just small,’ I grinned and ruffled his hair.

Fish scowled. ‘How dare you insult me? I’m not small, you guys just grow abnormally fast.’ He said that in a highly offended voice, but he was smiling.

‘Who said I was insulting you? Being short isn’t a bad thing, you know,’ I was still grinning at him. ‘Short people are cute.’ And with that I slapped his back (not gently). He howled with pain, scowling at me when I laughed at him. In revenge, he pulled my cheeks really hard. Normal affectionate guy behaviour. I almost threw him into the pool, but a P.E teacher caught us and took us to the headmistress for “causing a ruckus”.

The consequences when she found out Fish had climbed into the owner’s compound were…not pretty. I was let off because I didn’t technically do anything lol.

I don’t know why I typed out that (painful) incident but I just remembered and it was funny. And it proves the point of Fish being An Idiot who would do anything without hesitation. We did a lot of shit together. Good times.

Sixth grade was really fun, it helped me go back to being the silly kid I had always been. Even the girls weren’t jerks like the ones in my old class, they were really chill and funny. Before I knew it, the academic year had ended.

Through that summer, I desperately hoped I would have the same classmates. Sometimes my school would shuffle random classes, and the teachers had threatened our Very Disciplined Class that we’d all be separated in seventh because no one could handle such “hooligans”. I don’t know why they would say that. We were absolute Sweet Children™. Anyway, the gods must’ve taken pity on me because there was absolutely no shuffling in seventh, except one new girl who’d joined that year, and she was nice enough. I was over the moon.

Teasing and shipping was prevalent even in sixth, but it was never beyond a limit. I didn’t care about it.

If it was even possible, Fish and I grew closer that year. Both of us had grown, but I was still taller. I was one of those kids who shot up in middle school but stayed the same height after that, while all the other guys grew taller than me in high school. Sad.

___

There was a sort of cult that started in sixth and continued in seventh- the Percy Jackson cult. Everyone in my class was reading it, almost at the same pace. I started reading it late, so by the time I was done with The Last Olympian, most kids were already on The House of Hades. But I was fast, and I was catching up.

Since everyone was reading pretty much together, they all reached one scene in HOH before me. And that scene created a HUGE uproar.

I remember walking into class from the bathroom one morning, and Tanmay ran to me like Sonic and yelled ‘DUDENICOLIKESPERCY’.

‘What?’ I said. ‘Nico? The Hades kid?’ I still hadn’t started HOH.

‘YEAH, HE HAS A CRUSH ON PERCY. LIKE, HE’S IN LOVE WITH HIM.’

��Oh,’ I said. ‘Okay.’

To be honest it didn’t exactly shock me or anything. That a guy could like another guy. I didn’t understand why Nico would like Percy of all people but hey, I get it. Percy is Percy. Apparently the Cupid scene became the most disliked part of the books, because soon everyone was cussing at him and crying over Nico. Someone engraved “FUCK EROS” on the wall. I visited my old class a few months ago, and it’s still there. Nico was a really popular character in my class so. I guess the reaction was understandable?

‘Hey, stop spoiling it for him!’ Nadia (best girl friend) scolded Tanmay. ‘He barely started Heroes of Olympus, how would he understand the context?’

‘Wait, but Percy’s still dating Annabeth, right?’ I asked. They nodded. ‘So…it’s a one-sided crush? That’s…sad.’

‘I knowwww, right?’ Nadia sighed. ‘I hope he gets a boyfriend by the end. My poor boy deserves it.’

‘Apparently he dates Will Solace,’ Tanmay added very helpfully, before either of us could stop him. ‘And what do you mean, “my poor boy”? He’s older than all of us, he’s not your son.’

Will Solace, the Apollo kid? Damn, I thought, while Nadia and Tanmay started fighting over spoiling stuff before reading them yet again.

‘Anyway, did you expect that? Nico being gay?’ Tanmay seemed unable to let this very interesting topic go. ‘I don’t know,’ I said. ‘I got the impression he liked Annabeth.’

Tanmay was going to say something, but Fish entered the class just then. He ran to him and repeated the question with the same enthusiasm. Fish didn’t really seem to care; he was more worried about a math test he did not know was going to take place until two minutes ago.

He walked straight to me and asked me to write all the formulas for the chapter on the board and explain some tough sums to him. ‘Why do you always ask Arya for help with homework and stuff?’ Tanmay raised an eyebrow.

Fish and I blinked at him. ‘Be-cuhhhhhhs he’s smart?’

‘Well, so am I!’ Tanmay said indignantly.

‘Are you seriously jealous?’ I snorted. T glared at me. ‘Even…even Nadia’s smart, why don’t you ask her?’

Fish looked at Nadia. ‘Uhh she is, but, I don’t know?’ He grinned. ‘Are you jealous?’

Tanmay was considering the both of us carefully. ‘Nope.’

‘Great,’ Fish said, pulling me to the whiteboard and shoving a marker into my hand. ‘Then let me get the help I need to pass.’

___

Middle school boys have the irrational urge to seem cool physically (for the girls or for their own egos, who knows), which is why arm wrestling became a favourite pastime at some point. Teacher disappears for five seconds, you suddenly have an arm wrestling ring in the middle of the classroom.

I took part in them too. I guess that moment when the back of your opponent’s hand makes contact with the table filled me with some sort of heady joy because I wasn’t necessarily the strongest guy in class. I’ve heard girls snicker that arm wrestling is just an excuse for guys to hold hands and I wonder if that’s true lol. Maybe it is. Maybe it isn’t.

I don’t know if my feelings for Fish were purely platonic at this particular point, or ever. I don’t think I’ll ever know.

Some people talk about a moment when they “fall in love”. I don’t know if I believe that. I don’t know if it’s actually possible. But I guess this is close enough for my “at that moment…I knew”.

It was a free period. I was arm wrestling with Fish. The class was cheering. I was winning easily.

Fish was frowning from exertion. ‘Damn it,’ he panted. ‘Have some pity on me.’

‘If you’re going to try and distract me, it won’t work.’

‘You’re clearly winning, there’s no point anyway, Ari.’

‘Ari?’

‘Heh, like Ariana Grande, no?’

‘“Ari” means “rice” in my mother tongue.’

‘Then we make a pretty good South Indian meal together, eh?’ (Rice and fish curry. Both of us are South Indians)

I smiled, but said nothing, just concentrating on his arm inching closer to the table with every passing second.

And then he did something that knocked the breath out of my lungs.

He said my name.

Okay I- I know that sounds crazy. Fish must have said my name a gazillion times before. But somehow…when he said it then…the world stopped for me. I know it sounds cheesy as hell. But. Just. The way he said it. The way he just quietly said ‘Ah-Ree-Ah’ as if to himself, those three ordinary syllables that made my name, as if he was trying out their taste on his tongue and he wasn’t sure what to make of it, as if he was trying to see if it sounded special, as if he was trying to find something in it-

I went still, boisterous class and stupid wrestling match be damned. I stared at him as a shiver ran down my spine and something went tight in the base of my neck. He hadn’t noticed. He was able to gain on me, slowly pushing my arm down as my grip and my concentration wavered. The class whooped at this plot twist, oblivious to my internal panic.

But it only lasted a second.

I pushed down viciously and slammed his arm onto the desk as my friends erupted into cheers. Fish winced slightly and flashed his signature lopsided grin at me. ‘Good match, dude. You work out or something?’ He joked.

He didn’t seem to know what he’d done to me. For one second, I hated him with an intensity I hadn’t felt in a while. For one second only. Then I was flexing my wrist and laughing with him like nothing happened.

___

I guess some part of my brain had dimly registered that this was probably what kids were constantly snickering about- a crush. Did I have a crush on my best friend? When did this happen?? I wasn’t sure what to do with that information. I wasn’t sure it even mattered.

Maybe I was just a tiny bit more jumpy around him now that I was maybe sort of aware. Maybe I was a tiny bit scared. Of what? I wasn’t sure. Of him? Of myself?

I didn’t care.

He was still my dumb best friend. We still hung out. Nothing mattered. Nothing was ever going to change. And I didn’t mind that. As long as I could laugh at him making a fool out of himself and help him with math and create stupid games together, I didn’t mind.

It wasn’t going to make a difference.

___

Around the middle of the academic year, I began to notice a slight change in Fish’s behaviour. He started being more…touchy-feely? I mean, most guys in middle school (and forever after that too, actually) have zero regard for personal space around each other. Drape your arms around your bro’s shoulder, he won’t mind. But now it was different. Maybe it was because I liked him and hence was hyper-aware of every tiny thing he did, but I noticed. For starters, he jumped on me. Literally jumped onto me from behind. A lot. Then I’d give him a piggyback ride to wherever. As bros do. I thought I would get used to it but he always managed to take me by surprise and almost kill me lol. And there were other things. He’d grab my wrist or my arm a lot.

As the year went on, the stomach-somersaulting sensations got worse. And I think sometimes, I ended up staring at him like an idiot without realising it. Embarrassing.

I don’t know what Tanmay is made of, but man figured out something was up very quick. I finally worked up enough courage to talk to him because I was a confused muddle of emotions and I wasn’t sure of anything anymore.

I told him I thought I might like Fish. Yes, might like. I think even though I’d sort of accepted it, I didn’t necessarily want it to be true, if that even makes sense. I was in denial, basically.

T listened to me rant and stutter without a word. Then he asked me a really simple question that I couldn’t believe I hadn’t considered earlier- ‘Do you feel the same way around Vishwesh the way you do around other guys? Like me, for example?’

Of course I didn’t.

‘Dude,’ Tanmay wasn’t even trying to hide his smile. ‘You like him.’

I said something intelligent like ‘Uh. No. I mean, maybe. I don’t know. Shit. I don’t know. At all.’

Tanmay rolled his eyes. ‘Okay, I was wrong. You like him a lot,’ he corrected helpfully.

I consider myself lucky to have him as my friend.

___

Tanmay promised not to tell anyone, but with the way I was acting and with the way Fish was suddenly…different somehow, other kids caught wind of something. They talked. And, yeah, we were shipped. Kind of. I didn’t like it only because Fish got all uncomfortable and then he’d get mad. He stopped jumping onto me like a monkey. He stopped sitting near me. All that, I could deal with. Quite honestly, I didn’t blame him for that.

Then he stopped talking to me.

He’d straight up ignore me. And obviously, that made everyone talk more.

There was a new girl I mentioned, who joined our class that year? Suddenly, she became besties with him. And he’d always talk to her very pointedly while she giggled and shit. I don’t care that this is the jealousy plot of every gay romance ever- I was burning with jealousy.

If he wanted to play like that, fine. I didn’t give a damn.

I ignored both of them pretty well.

I was angry. I was angry at him for caring so much about what we looked like that he found the need to convince other people there was nothing between us. If there wasn’t, then what was the point anyway?? Was our friendship really that fragile that one barely considerable “rumour” reduced us to strangers trying to get each others’ attention by not giving each other any attention?

And then there was the girl. She was fine when I first met her, but maybe I was just pissed off in general, but she started to piss me off more. That was probably unfair because she didn’t even do anything except talk to him when she knew I was looking.

Tanmay seemed very amused that I didn’t know what was really going on. ‘She likes you, duh.’

‘She what now?’

‘Classic girl trick. Give your best friend more attention than you to make you jealous.’

‘That…is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard.’

‘It’s girl stuff.’

‘I don’t get girls.’

‘Yeah I can see that,’ he laughed. I glared at her. I saw her blush and that made me angrier. She did make me jealous- jealous of her.

‘You need to stop hating on her.’

‘It’s her fault.’

‘You know that’s not true.’

‘I know…I just…this all sucks.’

‘Maybe you should stop being such a jelly little boi.’

‘I am not being a “jelly little boi.’

‘Don’t lie to meeeeee, someone’s jellyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy-’

‘Please stop-’

‘aRi’S JeLLyYyYyYyyYyy- wait. Oh. My. God.’

‘What?’

‘I just realised…if you’re jelly…and he’s…Fish…’

‘Oh my god don’t you dare-’

‘The both of you make JELLYFISH AHAHAHAHAHAHA-’

‘I hate you.’

___

So. Yeah. Nothing really improved after that. Fish still avoided me like the plague. I caught him looking at me sometimes. I pretended not to notice. But on the inside…I missed him so much it physically hurt. I didn’t get why shit had to be so complicated. I wished everything would magically go back to the way it was.

Tanmay still hollered “JELLYFISH” at us sometimes. He liked to embarrass us that way. Maybe it was his way of trying to get us to laugh about dumb shit and talk again. I appreciate it, but it never worked.

Until the last day.

I will never understand why I chose that day of all days to confront him. What a crazy coincidence.

10th March, 2019.

Home time.

Kids were walking out of their classes, bags slung on their shoulders, happily going home. Like any other day after school ended.

Fish was walking out, too. I watched him. He resolutely turned the other way, his footsteps measured.

I couldn’t take his shit any more.

I grabbed him by the shoulder and turned him around to face me.

He was still shorter. His eyes, wide and brown, didn’t sparkle with mischief the way they did when I first looked into them.

I yelled at him. I shouldn’t have. But I yelled into his face about how he was acting like a dick and how I just wanted to be friends again and how he was acting stupid and it felt like he didn’t care about me at all and that I trusted him and if the thought, the thought grossed him out so much, that he and I could be-

I ran out of air. I just looked at him wordlessly. I didn’t know who I was angry at.

He looked back. He didn’t have anything to say either.

His silence infuriated me more than anything he could have said. I was about to turn away-

when he caught me. He caught my arm. The way he used to.

I froze.

I couldn’t breathe.

The sound I heard next shattered the horrible silence…and my heart. (dramatic music intensifies)

Fish sobbed like the world was going to end.

He was clutching me tight, so tight it hurt. The front of my shirt was wet- with his tears. I felt dizzy. What the heck was going on? If anyone should be crying, it should be me-

‘I’m sorry,’ he whispered into my shirt. ‘I’m so fucking sorry, Arya. I don’t know what I’m doing. I’m sorry.’

I can still hear him say those words, clear as day.

The next thing I knew, we weren’t hugging anymore. The image of his tear-streaked face was plastered in my mind as I staggered out of school and walked home, the only depressed soul amidst a crowd of cheerful middle school kids.

That was the last time I ever saw him.

Because the next day, school announces shutdown due to a positive COVID-19 case on our street. And that shutdown was followed by a nationwide one.

Idiot messages me two days later saying he’s moving away to another country and he didn’t want to tell me because he was being an asshole and he felt miserable overall.

I wasn’t even sure I was angry anymore. I was so tired of being angry at him. I was…sad I was the last one to know. I was sad he was moving away. Sad that things seemed to end like this.

We never really talk about that. I don’t know if we’re pretending it never happened, or we’re just acknowledging that neither of us really knew what the heck we were doing. Stupid middle school shit.

We talk now, and I don’t like him like that anymore. Out of sight, out of mind and all that I guess.

That doesn’t stop me from wondering What if? though.

#i don't know how to end this #but uh #yeah #ngl i got pretty sad by the end it still hurts lol #but ehh it happened years ago #i'm gonna go eat now

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