#anyway. kevin mcdonald is a babe

[girl-drink-drunk]

i would do slutty, slutty things to the nameless motel manager kevin mcdonald plays in the wrong guy. no exaggeration

[karihighman]

Moms Night Out 🍻

Hailey & Stella are at Molly’s, bonding over their idiot husbands & chaotic kids. (Based on a Twitter prompt.)

“Wait you can’t be serious?” Stella asked as she passed Hailey her first beer.

“Oh no, I am!” Hailey told her, getting some of the foam off the top. “Completely serious. I come home one day and the house is fucking disaster, Jay’s like ducked under a pillow, and our two twins are barreling down the hallway screaming at the top of their lungs. I guess they were quote-un-quote sword fighting and Jay was the big scary dragon they were supposed to slay.”

Stella held back a laugh. “And?” She asked, brows and drink raised in tandem.

“And what?” Hailey questioned.

“Well, did they slay Jay or what?!”

“Oh,” Hailey grinned. “Hell yeah they did!”

“How’d they get so hyped up anyhow?”

Hailey gave Stella a deadpan look. “Have you met Jay? The man can’t say no to anything Cooper and Cici ask. They’re like, his kryptonite or something.”

Stella set her beer down. “Soooooo, sugar high?”

Hailey mumbled an “Mhmm,” as she took a long drink. “So, how ‘bout you and Kelly?”

Kidd didn’t hold back a laugh this time. “Oh Jesus. When aren’t we dealing with craziness. I swear, it’s like I ask him to do one fucking thing and he manages to not only not do it, but to have done something else instead!”

Upton motioned for her to elaborate.

“Oh, so we were taking Brian over to daycare right? And Kelly just ups and drives through the McDonalds lunch rush because Brian begs him for “nugs.””

“Nugs?” Hailey asked, her brows knitting together.

“Nuggets. Y’know, chicken nuggets?”

“Oh, got it. Okay, so? That’s not bad!”

“It is when we’ve already been late 2 times the same week dropping Bri off at daycare! I don’t wanna look like the slacker parent cause my dumbass husband is controlled by a 3 year old.”

Hailey bit her lip to keep from completely losing it. She could just picture Stella and Kelly, minding their own business when Brian makes those big puppy dog eyes and BAM! Chaos ensues.

It’s what happens with Jay all the time. Hailey says the twins can’t have ice cream until they do some spelling or practice their handwriting? She’ll come back to chocolate covered handprints not only on the kitchen counter, but all over their homework too.

But then of course Jay gives her that look, the one she’s been melting over for years, and she’s a goner. Typical. Course who could blame her? She has a hot husband. A hot sergeant husband, she might add.

“Helllooooooo? Earth to Hailey?” Stella tried, waving her hand in front of the blonde’s face.

“Hm? What? Oh, sorry.” Hailey said. “Just daydreaming.”

Stella scoffed, pouring out another round for each of them. “Uh huh. Anyway....”

“What?” Hailey asked, noting Stella’s knowing tone.

“Well, have you and Jay even had a date night since the twins came along?”

Hailey buried her head in her hands. “Oh hell, do not make me tell the story of Octoberfest 2021, Stell. I can’t do it.”

Kidd was a quarter into her beer when she perked up. “Oh no, you’re telling it.”

“Fine.”

Stella leaned on her elbows so she could listen as Hailey settled in. “So, I get Jay to agree to go to the festival with me. He says he’s got it allllll figured out, right? Babysitters would get there at 8, we’d be back by 11-11:30 tops.”

“Okay, sounding good so far...”

“Well, come to find out the original babysitters of his brother Will and girlfriend Natalie are going to the festivities too! Therefore, Jay, in all his infinite wisdom, dialed up Adam to help out last minute.”

“Oh hell.”

“Yeah. Adam’s a great friend, but a horrible babysitter. You think it was crazy when Jay was there? That was — and pardon the pun — child’s play.”

“Oh come on, Hail. I’m sure it wasn’t all bad. Besides, he and Kim are attached at the hip aren’t they?”

“Usually, Yeah. But no, not that night. Kim was out and about with Kevin, Vinessa, and Jordan.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah, oh. So Ruzek’s alone with our kids and I get a call from Adam at — ready for it — 9:30 and he asks me where I keep the towels. Turns out, he let the kids “make dinner” which meant, flour and dough everywhere, pizza sauce on the fucking ceiling, cheese in I don’t even know where and—“

“Okay, okay, I get it. So Adam’s no pizza man,” Stella observed.

Hailey downed a lot more of her beer before continuing. “So then I of course pull Jay away and he’s just like, oh but they love their uncle Adam!” And im over here thinking of course they do but I don’t love him when they turn the house upside down!”

“Hailey, you’re such a mom,” Stella joked.

“Well, I made Jay go home and help Adam clean up the kitchen, meanwhile I had to wrangle the twins into pajamas and properly feed them.”

“Could be worse,” Stella offered. “One time Brian convinced Kelly that there was a mouse living in his toolkit.”

Hailey paused. “Was there?”

“Yeah, a fake one!” Stella grinned. “He’d put it there as a prank but oh man, I’d never seen Kelly so pale!” She laughed out loud at the memory. “Then Kelly told him about how to pull an even better prank. So then lo and behold, I find a “snake” in the shower and almost trip and kill myself.”

Hailey giggled. “Oh god—” she couldn’t finish her sentence because she burst out into another giggle fit. “I’m sorry, but that’s too funny!”

“He made it up to me though,” Stella winked, and Hailey smirked.

“Yeah, Jay’s had to do some groveling too...”

“Don’t you mean begging?” Stella pushed, wagging her eyebrows.

Hailey shrugged, leaving it open ended, because, as luck would have it, in come their dumbass husbands now.

“Hey,” Kelly says first, nodding at Hailey before leaning over the bar to kiss Stella.

“Hi babe,” Hailey says as Jay walks over to her. He wrapped his arms around her, sort of hugging her.

“So, where’re our kids, guys?” Stella asked as she pulled away from Severide.

“Yeah, so, about that....” Jay began, running a hand over the back of his neck. Kelly stood over near him looking just as sheepish.

“They may have wanted to go to Chuck-E-Cheese. We may have taken them.” Severide told the ladies.

“We? As in you and him, right?” Kidd asked.

“Well....” Jay began, his sentence cut short by a pair of bustling legs and high pitched squeals coming down the way.

“Momma! Momma! Look! Uncle Adam bought us milkshakes and and we won a big bear!!”

Cooper and Cici pointed towards Adam, who, of course strolled into Molly’s with the hugest teddy bear Hailey had ever seen.

“Well, actually I won the bear,” Jay defended, looking at Hailey with the rest of his sentence — ‘for you’ unspoken.

“I managed the high score at ski ball,” Kelly chimed in. Stella gave him a nod, patting his shoulder. What he didn’t see was she mouthed over to Hailey ‘sure he did.’

“You sure the kids had fun?” Stella asked, clearly amused.

“Not as much as us,” Adam said, earning eye rolls from the ladies and embarrassed looks from the menchild spouses.

Stella and Hailey grinned at each other. Yeah, some things never change.

[finnofamerica]

Valley Fair - Kevin Gnapoor x Reader || Epilogue ||

A/n: YOU THOUGHT THAT WAS THE END LOL

Summary: School Trip + Mathlete = What?

Word Count: 287

|| Masterlist || Part One ||

"Really out of all the places you could've chosen for us to eat at and you picked McDonald's?" Kevin snorted. 

"What can I say, I like McDonald's." You shrugged. 

"No. You tolerate McDonald's. Don't think I didn't see you picking the cheapest item on the menu just because I was paying when we were at the park." Kevin wrapped his arm around your shoulder. "C'mon, Babe, I got'chu." 

"Okay, so you're right. I just don't like people spending money on me." 

"I will happily blow my dough on you. Though I technically don't have a choice in this case with the bet and all." He teased. 

"Yeah, sure. And where are you getting your paper?"

"Hey, I didn't know he was your uncle when he hired me. You didn't have anything to do with that….right?"

"Nah, Uncle Ed makes his own choices."

“...”

"Does this count as our first date?" 

"Depends." You smirked.

"On what?" 

You whispered in his ear, making him grin wolfishly. 

"You really are my match," He mused, "now if only you could do math." 

"Hey! That's uncalled for." 

"Totally called for." 

"Fine, I'm only using you for your big brain anyway." You crossed your arms, pouting. 

"I'm wounded, really." Kevin laughed. "Chin up, Cutie." 

You couldn't stop yourself from smiling, rolling your eyes at him. 

"Hey, did you hear about Niko and Marwan?" You asked. 

"What about them?" He furrowed his brows. 

"Apparently they have been a thing for like a couple of months now, and they are the masterminds behind our 'unique situation'." 

“Maybe we should get them a thank you card." 

"Nah. Let's just wait until they get annoyed of us and regret their choices." You wiggled your brows at him.

________________________________________________________________

TAGS: 

@carolinesbookworld @anon-pancake @technically-whizzy @king-of-new-yoirk @sparkle-heart-anon

[rapperkookz]

Rush!BTΣ — college!au, borderline crack au w/ @cynoirsure 

a story about three friends and their obstacles of relationships, academic probation, and figuring out that international kids aren’t all that bad.

29/35

word count: 3.8k genre: crack, fluff, angst warnings: roofie mentions, swearing — Your POV

It was the final stretch of the year, and it seemed as if everything was coming into place. Most of your sorority events were over, the only event left being Installs, which were combined with Beta Tau Sigma. You had one week left before finals and to celebrate before dying in the school library, the boys were throwing one last party of the year, which also happened to be celebrating Kevin’s birthday. 

You texted Taehyung, asking if he needed any help in setting up the party tonight. He texted back almost immediately ‘I already hired some people to help set up at the penthouse tonight, but thanks for asking y/n~’ Your jaw dropped at the word ‘penthouse’. It must have slipped your mind since the email Taehyung sent you all last week. You knew it was at a different location since you didn’t recognize the address, but a penthouse downtown? You thought it was just an airbnb somewhere further away from campus.

“Where’s the party again tonight, Little?” Jieun asked, a group of you dining in a brunch restaurant for a Sisterhood.

“It’s at a penthouse downtown, biggie,” You said sending the address again in your group chat.

“I don’t know if I’m going,” one of your sisters said, “The first final next week is my hardest class and I really don’t want to fail it.”

“No one’s forcing you to go, Miyoung.” Another commented, “School’s more important than a party anyway, we can celebrate after installs.”

“I’m going because it’s Kevin’s birthday celebration,” You nodded, nudging Rosa. “Yeah, I’m going because Namjoon asked me to come.”

A few girls whistled at your line sister’s budding romance. “y/n and I are getting ready at my dorm later if any of you girls wanna join.”

“You’re not getting ready with Jungkook?”

“He’s with the guys,” you said casually, “I’ll see him later.”

“Okay, I don’t know if this is true, but Jimin said there’s going to be a pool and a bounce house and also a stripper pole,” Jieun said.

“Big told me that too, I’m not surprised since Taehyung oppa’s paying.” You shrugged, “He’s also catering food and the alcohol’s gonna be expensive as fuck.”

“Okay, I can’t miss this party, then.” Another of your line sisters, Yeri, said. “Feisty Four, we’re all going.”

“It’s gonna be so much fun, we can take a cute line picture,” You smiled urging your line to come. It only took a minimal amount of convincing for the last to agree, the four of you planning to meet in Rosa’s dorm at six pm. At the end of the Sisterhood, you bid your chapter goodbye, telling the girls who were coming to the party that you would see them later. Leaving with Rosa and another of your line, Daeun, to go to Rosa’s dorm.

The three of you were engrossed in a conversation about installs when your phone went off with Jungkook’s specific ringtone, “Hey babe, what’s up?”

“Am I interrupting your sisterhood, baby?”

“No I’m actually on the way back to campus with Rosa and Daeun. Did you want me to stop by somewhere and get you food?” You asked, the two girls laughing at your assumption.

“I mean…no that’s not why I called,” he said, “one, I miss you baby. Two, I bought us tickets to Illenium next month. And three, I’m so excited for tonight, we need to take a cute picture.”

You chuckled, “You’re cute, Kook. I’ll stop by your room real quick before getting ready for the party. How are you getting there?”

“Grand’s taking his car because there’s parking. We’re sleeping over for the night since we’ll be super fucked up, if you wanna stay too. I convinced Taehyung hyung to rent out a room for me.” Jungkook said slyly. Your cheeks flushed, “I guess I’m gonna have to. One of my sisters also just gave me a new cart that we can use tonight.”

“God, you’re amazing. I’ll see you in a bit, baby. Bring me McDonalds, please!” Hanging up, you told the girls that you were going to stop by your dorm before heading over. You walked leisurely to your dorm after getting Jungkook’s McDonalds, thinking in your head what you needed for the night. You stopped by your room to get an overnight bag, stuffing inside some sleeping clothes, clothes for tomorrow, and your skincare routine, before locking the door and heading to Jungkook’s room. You walked in on him watching Iron Man on his computer, a smile blooming on his face as he met eyes with you. He stood and pulled you in for an embrace, “I’ve missed you baby.”

“I saw you last night, dork.” You chuckled pressing a kiss on his cheek. “Here’s your food, babe.” You sat down on his bed, eyes trained on the computer screen. You opened your mouth as he fed you a fry, putting an arm around your waist as the two of you watched the movie.

“What time do you need to leave?” He asked nuzzling his face into your neck. You checked your phone, 1:45 pm. It didn’t take you long to get ready and Rosa’s dorm was only a five minute walk from yours, so you could probably stay another hour or two before getting ready. “I’ll leave at around 4.”

He sighed in content, holding you tighter. “Perfect, we have more than enough time for a round, maybe two…or three.”

“You horny fiend, your breath smells like oil and grease.” You chuckled squirming in his embrace. “But fuck, you’re annoyingly hot.”

He smirked as you moved your positions so that you were straddling him. “I don’t know if I should be offended or flattered.”

“I’m a bit mad I need to take another shower,” you said lifting Jungkook’s shirt. He put his hands on your waist, your skin feeling like fire with his every touch. Moving his left hand to your ass, he gave a playful squeeze.

“We can kill two birds with one stone if we take our last round to the shower,” He said removing your sundress and bra in a haste, only leaving you in your underwear. You smiled and leaned down, capturing his lips in a heated kiss, “That sounds like a great idea, daddy.”

–

After double checking to make sure no one else was in the bathroom, the two of you quickly ran back to his room, locking the door after yourselves. Jungkook beamed as he pulled you towards his bed again, the towels that covered your bodies on the floor as he wrapped his limbs around your body like a koala. You couldn’t help the smile on your face as the two of you cuddled for a little while, your heart practically beating outside of your chest. Jungkook stared at you lovingly, caressing your cheek with his palm. You met his eyes, “What’s up?”

“Nothing, I just love looking at you.” Softly, you leaned in for a kiss, trying to portray all your emotions to him. After a couple minutes, he pulled away and pecked your nose. “You should get going, baby. I think your line’s been waiting for you long enough.”

Nodding, you stood and patted his knee, getting dressed “I’ll see you later, Kook.”

You blew him a kiss as you grabbed your bag and shut the door, leaving your dorm and walking towards Rosa’s. There was a jump in your step as you entered her room and all your line sisters who were already there knew it.

“Please tell me you took a shower before you got here.” Yeri said as you poked her side. You pulled out your outfit for the night, a black tank top and skirt and laid it on her desk, sitting on the chair so that Yeri could start dutch braiding your hair.

“You know, I have a question, line.” Daeun said, “Do you ever call Jungkook syands during sex?”

“What the fuck, Daeun?” You laughed, “No, I only called him syands like the first month I knew him.”

The four of you started to get ready, blasting music and eating food to prepare your stomachs for a night full of alcohol. When you all finished, it was only 8:30. The depth of the party wouldn’t really start until 10 o’clock.

“Should we pregame?” Rosa asked. Yeri scoffed, “Yeah if you want to fucking blackout. They’re serving Beta Ice tonight and God knows what kinds of hard liquor they mix in that.”

“It’s honestly really good if you look past all the tequila and vodka and whatever,” You shrugged. At around 9, you called the uber to the penthouse, the four of you getting in and arriving within 30 minutes. There was a good amount of people there already. Thankfully, you found Jungkook by the exit, the boy greeting your sisters before taking you up to his rented room so that you could put your stuff there. “Where’s Kev?”

“He’s probably at the pool with your lineage, babe.” He said kissing your temple, “They’re playing floating beer pong. Did you bring a swimsuit so that you could go in the pool?”

You nodded at your overnight bag, wrapping your arms around Jungkook’s waist, “You look good, babe.” He donned a white button-up dress shirt, tucked in some black jeans, his hair was parted so that his forehead was revealed. He was absolutely breathtaking. Jungkook gave your own outfit a once-over. “So do you, baby girl.”

“I’m gonna go get a drink and join my lineage at the pool, I’m pretty sure my biggie should be here by now. Care to join me?” You asked grabbing your swimsuit and towel.

He shrugged, “Maybe later, babe. My teammates are here so I’m gonna hang with them for a little bit. But I’ll definitely find you later tonight.”

Jungkook walked you back to the bar, the two of you grabbing drinks before parting ways. After changing into your swimsuit, you arrived at the pool area to see a crowd of people hanging in the water, your lineage playing floating beer pong at the side. Your Big Sister spotted you first, waving you to come over with her free hand as the other was holding a cup of Beta Ice, “Little! Play for me please, I’m over this game.”

“You’re only saying that because you have bad aim, Jieun!” Hoseok laughed, “You’re not even the one drinking the beer, it’s my Little drinking it for you.”

“It’s okay love, I know you hate beer.” Jimin said rubbing her back. “C’mere Little Sis, tag out for your Biggie. We need to beat the birthday boy.”

“Eat my ass twin,” Kevin smirked taking his shot, the ball landing swiftly in one of the 5 remaining red cups.

“Oh that’s right 4 to 7 left baby.” Taehyung cheered putting an arm around his boyfriend.

“Okay, my grand’s a baller!” Hoseok cheered as you shot the ball in.

You laughed and waited until it was your next turn, “You know, because it’s my precious best friend’s birthday, I’ll give you my ball for this round.”

“You’re so nice to me, y/n.” Kevin smiled catching the ball and taking an additional shot, leaving the game 3 to 5. You played for another 20 minutes, the winner being Kevin and Hoseok. After about an hour, the penthouse was absolutely packed, the music blasting so loud that you could feel the vibrations in the water. You were surprised that you guys haven’t gotten any noise complaints (Taehyung probably covered the police too).

“Baby I don’t wanna be in the water anymore,” Taehyung slurred against Kevin, the birthday boy equally as drunk as his boyfriend.

“Okay everyone, let’s get out and dry off.” Jieun said pulling Jimin out of the water. You were a good amount of buzzed, changing quickly so that you could get more alcohol in your system. As you reached the bar, you found Rosa lying down on a table, Namjoon taking a body shot of vodka from her stomach.

“My turn my turn!” Taehyung giggled laying down next to Rosa, “scootchie Rosa~”

“My Little is blasted,” Seokjin clicked his tongue, taking a sip of his beer.

“Oh my God,” Jinhee said as she watched Kevin drunkenly take a shot from Taehyung’s belly button, his saliva and the alcohol mixing on Taehyung’s body. Yoongi chuckled, his arm protectively around Jinhee’s waist.

“You having fun, Little?” Hoseok asked ruffling Kevin’s hair. The boy grinned and hugged his Big, “hehe I love every single one of y’all. Bu-but all my love for everyone else is unmatched for my lov efor my boyfriend, kim taeeeee hyung. I love you baby gimme a kisth”

“To Kevin!” Jimin shouted raising his drink, the whole room joining in to cheer the birthday boy on. You met eyes with Jungkook from across the living room who was still with his team. He gave you a smile and puckered his lips for a little kiss, mirroring his action in response.

For the next hour and a half you were just letting loose and hanging with your friends, the only ones closest to sober being Namjoon, Hoseok, Yoongi, and Jinhee. Engrossed in a conversation with Yeri and Rosa, you missed the small capsule that slipped into your cup that you placed on the counter. Laughing, you took it in your hand and was about to take a sip before Hoseok suddenly grabbed your wrist, his eyes wide and face all worried.

“Don’t drink it.”

“Huh? Gwand,” You slurred, “I wanna drink itt.”

Taking the cup, Hoseok immediately dumped its contents in the nearest sink, eyes searching for the figure that tried to drug you. He called over Namjoon, whispering in his ear what he just witnessed. Immediately, the Beta Tau president walked over to the DJ, asking to grab his mic. The rest of the boys and your sisters started to gather around as they noticed something was off. “Jungkook, are you fucked up?”

“I’m alright, hyung. I’m drunk, but I know what’s going on.” Jungkook said with a smile, “what’s going on?”

“Hi everyone, please dispose of your drinks right now and get a newly bottle or can.” Namjoon said calmly to the drunken crowd, “Some people may be trying to roofie you, so I suggest you proceed with caution for the night. If anyone needs a way home, we will pay for your uber.”

“Wh-what?” you mumbled your heart beating in fear. Your eyes began searching for Jungkook, clinging to his shirt as he enveloped you in a hug, “K-Kook.”

“This fucker tried to drug my grand.” Hoseok said angrily dragging a pledge from Rho Psi by his collar.

“Who the fuck do you-”

“You fucking ass!” Jimin snarled shoving the pledge to the ground, “You don’t fucking roofie anyone, especially my Little Sister.”

“Little, calm down,” Hoseok said restraining Jimin from beating the living crap out of the pledge, who was now surrounded by his own brothers.

“Who the ffuckk invited you fucking lozerss?” Taehyung said, but the look in his eyes was deadly as he glared at the group of boys.

“I’m not having any rapey boys at my party so do yourselves a favor and get lost.” Kevin said leaning against Seokjin.

The pledge crossed his arms cockily, “Didn’t think it would be a big deal with y/n, she’s just Jungkook’s latest fuck anyway-”

“The fuck did you say?” Jungkook said, his blood boiling with anger.

“Grand,” Yoongi said sternly, “Control yourself, we can’t get written up for violence. We’re still a newly chartered chapter.”

“I’m not affiliated in anything,” Jinhee said moving out of Yoongi’s hold. She faced the boys of Rho Psi, the pledges amused that a small voice major was trying to fight. With all her might, Jinhee kneed the pledge in the crotch and punched him, the boy stumbling back on the floor.

Yoongi stared at his girlfriend with a smirk, pride filling his eyes. Seokjin, on the other hand, laughed as he, too, leaned against Kevin for support. Namjoon walked back to the group, a crowd now forming around them. The pledge put his hand to his mouth, a metallic taste lingering on his tongue as some blood went off on his fingers. 

“You bitch, I’m bleeding. This isn’t funny, my lawyer will be in contact with you!”

“What, are you gonna hit a girl? Your frat likes to rape and hit girls, huh? Let’s do it baby, I know the law.” Jinhee challenged, the other fraternity holding back from doing something they would certainly regret.

“It’s time you left Rho Psi, and don’t try that shit at any of our parties again or we will blacklist and have you guys disbanded.” Namjoon said, his deep voice threatening, “And expect this to be brought up to the Greek advisor. Think again before having your process involve something as disgusting as violating human consent.”

“Yeah fuck you,” Jimin sneered, pushing some of the boys as they left the party. You let out a heavy breath, trying to calm down as Jungkook whispered comforting things in your ear, his hands rubbing your back in his hug. A decent amount of people left after being informed of the roofie incident, Namjoon deciding that this party was now closed to only people Kevin knew, telling everyone that the party was over and to leave the penthouse.

“Let’s get you to a private room, Little,” Jieun said worriedly as your sisters, Jungkook, Yoongi, Jinhee, and Jimin led you to the bedroom. She told Daeun to grab you a bottle of water from the mini fridge, the group of them urging your drink so that your stomach wouldn’t hate you the next morning. Once Daeun came back with the water bottle, Jimin made eyes with the group that had come in. 

“We should probably give her some space, it might be too overwhelming with all of us in here.” Jimin said softly and began to usher everyone but your Big, Jungkook, and himself out. You clutched onto the water bottle tight, still trying to process what had just happened in what seemed like five minutes but probably had lasted maybe 30 minutes to an hour. 

“I-I’ve never been roofied before,” you mumbled.

“And you will never be roofied ever,” Jungkook said, “not while we’re here, y/n.”

“You’re safe, Little, okay?” Jimin said reassuringly, rubbing your knee. Your Big sister nodded, playing with your braids. “We got them out, Little. And this will spread through the whole Greek community, there’s no way any member of Rho Psi will get near you again.”

“Do you need anything, babe?” Jungkook asked, rubbing circles on your palm. You shook your head, “Who’s all outside still?”

“Just a few others, some people from Kev’s cultural group, our sisters, Beta Tau, and some people from the volleyball team.” Jieun said, “Ready to go out, Little?” You took a deep breath, nodding and scooting to the edge of the bed. You made it back into the penthouse, your best friends coming over to you first 

“My baby y/nie, are you okay?” Jinhee pouted, cupping your cheeks and squishing them. You nodded, giving the both of them a thumbs up while you scanned the penthouse. Since it was a lot less crowded at the penthouse, you could easily pinpoint a couple faces you knew were new as well as your friends. “Do you just wanna chill with us or do you wanna hang with Kook? It’s up to you.” You looked over at Jungkook who simply smiled at you, giving you the okay to hang out with your best friends. 

“I’ll catch you later yeah? Our room is down the hall to the left, Jinhee and Kevin should also know where it is.” Jungkook placed a quick peck on your lips before joining his lineage, who were on the couch casually talking with Rosa and another boy who looked similar to one of your best friends. Kevin turned to the two of you, grinning. 

“Have you guys had any of the food that we got catered? I’m fucking starving.” The birthday boy took both of your hands, guiding the two of you over to the food table. The food table had an unbelievable amount of hors d'oeuvres, as well as some other finger foods that still seemed like it would cost more than your tuition.

“Damn, Tae really took my advice when I recommended this place, huh.” Jinhee looked in disbelief at the table, shaking her head. The three of you dived in without a second thought, the flavors completely taking over your senses. You groaned after the first bite, throwing your head back. 

“Yeah, sex is great but I think this beats it out by a smidge bit.” Kevin and Jinhee laughed at your comment, grinning at each other before Jinhee held up a piece of food to toast with. 

“Here’s to Kev, the most important boy in our lives and the only one to successfully own our asses!” The three of you toasted to her words, before taking more food and going to go join everyone left in the living room. The people left were the boys and the people in your sorority. Rosa and Namjoon sat next to each other, the two of them completely engrossed in another conversation as the circle was still considerably large. Jungkook patted the space next to him for you, a smile on his face.

This was more like it. You rested your head on Jungkook’s shoulder, the boy rubbing your arm in a comforting manner. The two of you were talking about one of your upcoming dates, the atmosphere more relaxed and welcoming.

“-I’m not at my dorm right now,” Jinhee laughed catching your attention. “No! I’m not bringing you a bottle of cognac!”

“Who’s that?” Yoongi asked her, the girl telling him to hold on.

“It’s unnie’s younger brother,” You answered for Jinhee, “He’s coming here next year.”

“We can recruit him!” Jungkook said excitedly.

“Choi Yeonjun you’re too young to be drinking alcohol,” She rolled her eyes, “my phone’s about to die so I’m hanging up. Ask me for alcohol again and I’m gonna beat your ass.”

“Noona please why don’t you be a plug like a regular sister?!”

“The day I buy you alcohol is when you turn 21. Anyway, night Yeonjunie, love you.”

Yoongi chuckled booping her nose, “Your phone’s not about to die, you liar.”

“Yeah, but I’m not giving my brother alcohol until it’s legal.” She shrugged.

“Oh c’mon, unnie, I started drinking when I was 16.” You said casually.

“Yeah, but I trust you turned out well.” She said, “You better watch him next year when he pledges, Yoongs.”

“I will, I won’t make him drink that much.” He winked making his girlfriend roll her eyes. Kevin stood up and staggered to the kitchen, dry heaving into the sink.

“Well, I think I’m done drinking for tonight.” Hoseok said walking over to tend to his Little. Taehyung soon staggered after him, “my babeeee noo! don’t throw up!”

Jimin and Jieun then stood, announcing they were getting waters for everyone. You puckered your lips in a kiss to your Bigs as they handed you a large glass of water.

“You feeling better, little?” Jieun asked you sweetly, lightly resting her elbow on Jungkook’s head.

You nodded playing with Jungkook’s hand, “I feel much better now, thanks to all of you guys.”

Jimin smiled, “We’re here for you little, always.” The sound of Taehyung now throwing up made your head turn to the kitchen. Jimin sighed, looking around for Seokjin who was having a heart to heart with Daeun and Yeri about boys, “I’ll go make sure Tae’s okay. I don’t really wanna interrupt Jin hyung and the girls.”

“-men ain’t shit Daeun! I’m telling you! All men fucking suck!” Seokjin blabbered loudly.

“I’m embarrassed.” Jinhee said burying her face in Yoongi’s shirt.

“You don’t need a man, linebae! Men are trash!” You encouraged. Jungkook pouted and nudged you, “except you baby, of course.”

“Damn right.”

6-6-19

[classic-rock-roller]

1. In an interview with your band, the interviewer asks when you first got into music. Bonham answers, “I dunno about music, but I’ve always been very auditory. I remember when I was three I could tell which of my parents would be coming in the door by the different sounds of their keys.” What does the interviewer say, and how do you, Sean, Erik, and Linus respond?

I already knew this so I’m not surprised. 

Sean: Whoa neat! 

Linus: Is that why you and BabyCarrot can pick out instruments so well?

Erik: That’s why you can differentiate who comes to your and BabyCarrot’s door?

Interviewer: That’s interesting. Could you tell me more about that?

2. You get a call one day from CBS. The producer tells you that they’re doing a new season of celebrity big brother, but this one is exclusive to musicians. the contestants will be (if they accept) Crue, Kevin, Rudy, Carlos, Frankie, Tom, DLR, Jon Bon Jovi, Axl, Duff, Bonham, Sean, and you. Do you accept the invite? How does the show go? Who is the first one out? Who is the last one standing?

I don’t get the show but I join anyway. It’s fun although David is out first (he wouldn’t last let's be serious here) Everyone thinks that it’ll be a stalemate between Kevin and Tom but Vince surprises everyone and swoops in and is the last one standing. 

3. Your band, QR, and Cinderella are all participating in a photo shoot together. You’re all given a uniform of a baseball cap, a sports t-shirt, gym shorts, knee socks, and running shoes. You’re all placed in an open, sunny field next to a large bucket of water balloons. The photographer tells you, “This bucket is full of water balloons; 75% are regular water, the other 25% are full of kool-aid. Have at it, and we’ll take photos.” How does the shoot go? Who gets hit with the first kool-aid balloon? What do you all have to say when the shoot is over?

Kevin: You don’t have to ask me twice. 

He takes a water balloon and chucks it at Tom, of course, it’s a kool-aid balloon and it hits him right in the face. 

Tom: Oh, you’re dead. 

We all have fun and at the end, I go up to Tom and wrap my arms around him before kissing him. 

Me: You taste sweet. 

Tom: I’m only sweet for you. 

Carlos: Yeah! Get some! 

Rudy: Carlos stop. 

Frankie isn’t paying attention. 

Eric: Whoo! You’re getting some tonight, Tommy! 

Jeff: Don’t let us stop you! 

Fred just shakes his head 

Bons: Get a room! You’re burning the young one's eyes. 

Before she covers Sean’s eyes.

Erik and Linus: Yeah! 

Sean: I am not a child!

4. You and Bonham and Randy and Kevin are at McDonald’s one day when Randy asks if you’ve heard of the latest internet challenge. “What is it?” Kevin asks. “You get 20 chicken McNuggets and you have to eat them all in 20 minutes.” “What? I can do that in my sleep.” Bonham says. “Oh yeah? Put up or shut up.” Kevin says. Bonham takes the challenge, and she succeeds. Do any of the rest of you take it? What do you all say when she finishes?

I don’t but Randy and Kevin do. 

Kevin: That was easier than I thought it’d be. 

Me: It’s not hard my sister used to eat twenty in like five minutes.

Randy: How?! 

5. There’s a new QR interview video coming out today, and you are going to watch it with Tom after you get home from work. You ask Bonham if she wants to watch it with you and she just says, “No. I’d rather not relive it.” You’re confused, but you don’t bug her. When you get home you see Kevin’s car in your driveway, and he comes out to meet you. “Can you please let me in to talk to Bonham? She won’t let me in.” You say, “Just go inside, Tom would let you in.” “No he wouldn’t, he said to me and I quote, ‘Bonham’s pretty pissed so for your own sake I think you should just go home. Sorry man.’ I just want in!” You let him in the house, and he immediately tries Bonham’s door which is locked. “Come on, let me in! I just want to talk to you!” “No! I told you that in confidence and you ratted me out to the whole world! Go home!”  He goes downstairs and you finally ask him, “Why is she so mad at you?” He just kinda sighs and says, “Just watch the interview, it’ll save us all some time.” What did he say to ‘rat her out to the whole world?’ What do you and Tom say after you’ve seen the interview? Do you tell Kevin to go home or try to help him?

He talks about really intimate parts of their relationship, some of which she only shared with me and Tom didn’t even know. 

Me: Kevin, I thought you learned not to share intimate details about your sex life after you dated me. I’m not helping you, Kevin, you should have learned your lesson before. Go home and let her cool off. 

Tom: Yeah dude, that’s shitty. I don’t even share Am and my sex life with other people. Let her cool off and try coming ‘round in a couple days maybe. 

6. You and Tom and Kevin and Bonham are all in the car for a road trip. You’ve all cycled through driving shifts, so it’s ended up that you and Kevin are in the back, Tom is driving, and Bonham’s in shotgun. You and Bonham are sleeping, Kevin’s kinda zoned out, and Tom’s driving. At one point he stops at a fast food place to get some food. You’ve woken up, and Kevin’s zoning back in, but Bonham’s still sleeping. Tom gives her half a shake and tells her to wake up. She doesn’t. Kevin leans forward between the seats and says, “Unbuckle the belt. BabyCarrot go open her door.” You do, and he pushes her out. She hits the pavement pretty hard, groans, but doesn’t wake up. What do you say? How do Kevin and Tom react?

Me: Kevin! My god! 

I check to make sure she’s ok and then I pull her up and start talking to her. I then scream, “Danny is here!” Which jolts her awake. 

Bons: Where?!

Kevin: Oh, so you wake up for that. 

Tom is laughing because he thinks it’s hilarious. 

7. You are getting on the bus with the rest of your band, and Bonham and Sean are talking. You don’t hear the whole conversation, but you hear Bonham tell him, “I alternate between moods of “I’m more than just a pair of tits” and “Which shirt will make my boobs look best?” Sean responds with “Yeah man I totally agree.” How do you respond?

Sean, you don’t have boobs so don’t talk. I used to never go through that because no matter what I wore I looked like a stripper. Now I kind of don’t give a fuck.

8. Bonham was joining the staff of her old high school marching band for a day, and it’s band camp. You and Kevin and Tom decide to visit her. You arrive as they’re on the field, and she’s just finished doing the stretching and running warm ups with them. You guys walk up as she’s getting some water, and it’s really hot, so she chugs it. Some starts running down her face but she doesn’t seem to care, and when she’s done she takes a big gasp of air. “Jeez, thirsty much?” Tom says. Kevin gets a shit-eating grin on his face and says, “Oh, she’s always thirsty…” How do you and Tom respond? Do any of the kids in the band hear? What does Bonham say?

Me: *gag* Kevin! Knock it off, I don’t need to know if she’s not a quitter.

Tom: Seriously Kevin? There are teenagers present. 

Bons goes bright red and goes under her breath, “Kevin!” 

Some of the students have heard and a lot of the guys are snickering and pointing at us. 

9. Kevin and Randy are over one day with you and Bonham. Randy is outside on the phone, you’re digging in the fridge for a drink, and Bonham and Kevin are talking about childhood on the couch. Kevin asks if Bonham was getting paid for gigs at 12, and she tells him no. “WHat? If you weren’t then what were you doing?” “I was playing Minecraft, learning how to jerk off and catfishing pedophiles, like a normal 12 year old.” Randy walks in just as she says this, and you hear it from the kitchen. How do you, Kevin, and Randy respond?

Kevin: Cool man, we share something in common. Well, except for the catfishing part. 

Randy: What did I just walk in to? 

Me: At least you weren’t policing your drunk ass family at weddings. 

10. You’re helping Bonham and Kevin move some furniture around in their house, and Kevin soon comes out of the bedroom asking, “Why is there a twin sized blanket that’s thinner than my patience on our king sized bed?” Bonham doesn’t look up and says, “Because my grandma gave it to me and I’ll die before I get rid of it.” How does Kevin respond? What do you say?

“You have those too? I can never bear to get rid of any of the blankets my great grandmother crocheted for me. You can always save it for when you guys have a little one.”

This causes Kevin to choke on his water and Bons to grow red. 

11. You and Bonham are going to do Guest Grumps for the first time since you got with Tom. You’ve both barely walked in and greeted Arin and Danny when Kevin suddenly comes bursting in, “Hey babe you forgot your coat in my car and it’s supposed to rain later.” Danny says, “But that’s Bonham’s jacket,” just as Kevin hands it to her and she says, “Oh thanks, that’s so thoughtful.” She gives him a kiss before saying, “You should get to work before Frankie yells at you.” He gives her another kiss before saying, “Yeah I know.” He gives Arin and Danny a quick wave and says, “It was good to see you guys again.” before walking out. Arin and Danny are standing in stunned silence, both with this type of look on their faces :O. They look at each other, then at you, then they explode into a million questions. What are they asking whom? How does Bonham answer? How do you answer? What do they say?

They both go: “Wait, what? When did that change? Is he fucking both of you now? Are you in a poly relationship? Who are you with now BabyCarrot?”

Danny: I’m so confused.

Me: No, we’re not in a poly relationship. Kevin and I broke up about five months ago. I’ve been dating Tom Keifer ever since. 

Bons: Yeah, and Kevin and I have been dating for about a month of two. 

Danny: Do we get to meet this Tom?

Arin: Yeah, is he going to pop the question?  

____________________

1) You, your singer, Kevin, and Tom are on a road trip and you break down in the middle of the desert. You’re sitting waiting for triple-A and Kevin starts to complain and it turns into him and Tom arguing. Finally, your singer just screams, “I hope the serial killer comes out of the desert and takes me out of this misery because I can’t stand to listen to the two of you fight anymore.” How do you, Tom, and Kevin respond?

2) Your singer has broken up with Tom and she’s been locked in her room ever since besides to leave for work and to eat. Tom has been calling her but she won’t answer. Finally, he comes to the door and gives you a tape, “Please play this for her.”  The tape says ‘Don’t Know What You Got (Till It’s gone)’. You play it for her and you can hear the anguish in his voice you both can clearly tell it was written for her. How do the two of you respond and what does she do when Tom comes to the door again? 

3) Mal is only a couple of weeks old and you are over helping Kevin and your singer take care of him one day. You pass the nursery and see Kevin standing in the doorway. You come up next to him and find your singer holding baby Mal and quietly singing to him Sweet Child O Mine. Kevin has this dopey smile on his face. What does he say to you and how do you respond, what does your singer say once she notices the two of you?

4) You’re sitting with your singer, Tom and your singer’s friend Ash at the recording studio. Ash and Tom are listening to you and your singer record some lyrics for your new album when Ash says, “That song is about sex.” Your singer says into the microphone, “If you try hard enough all songs are about sex.” How do you, Tom, and Ash respond?

5) You are at a party with these cute guys named Kevin and Randy. You, Kevin, and Randy are talking and your singer is over playing Pong. She’s getting aggravated at losing and Kevin is watching her. All of a sudden he says, “You don’t marry the prettiest girl at the party. You marry the one whose yelling at the beer pong table because she’s losing. That girl is going to raise winners and you want your kids to be winners.” How do you and Randy respond?

6) You're over at your singer and Tom’s house and your singer is sleeping on the couch with her head in your lap. You’re watching tv when all of a sudden you hear your singer scream, “TOM!!!!” And then fall off the couch. She apparently screamed his name in her sleep and woke herself up falling off the couch. Tom comes running into the room with a baseball bat and is going, “What? What?” How do you and your singer respond and what does he say?

7) You and your singer are on a Power Hour with Danny and Arin and you somehow get on the subject of strip clubs. Your singer goes, “Oh yeah, I’ve been to strip clubs.” Arin goes, “Wait, YOU’VE gone to a strip club?!” and Danny goes, “When did you go to strip clubs?” You singer sits back and goes, “Back in college, I used to go with my roommate. Although she only likes the ones where the girls get to be topless.” She flashes you guys and the camera a smirk. How do you, Danny, and Arin respond?

8) Your singer has this jacket that she wears onstage. She’s had it since she was a teenager and it’s covered in band patches that she’s purchased over the years. Kevin thinks he’s being helpful to her and he tries to wash it. When he does this, the washer and dryer completely eat it. You’re with him when he pulls it out and he goes, “Oh my god she’s going to kill me.” How do you respond and what does your singer say once she sees her “lucky jacket”? 

9) You and your singer are rudely awoken one morning by your college dorm’s fire alarm. You both put on shoes and trudge outside. Your singer is standing next to your neighbor Nikki and a few yards away is Tommy. He was in the shower when the alarm went off so he’s only in a towel. Your singer is checking him out while waiting to be let back in and Nikki goes, “Don’t you have a boyfriend?” Your singer says back, “Doesn’t mean I can’t enjoy a fine ass man.” How do you and Nikki respond and what does Tommy say (if he heard her)?

10) Kevin comes barging into your and Rudy’s house after Tom and your singer announced their engagement (in the same magazine as QR’s interview no less) and is ranting and raving about how he can’t believe this and that. Tom looks like he’s about to punch Kevin. Your singer stands up, squares her shoulders and goes, “Kevin, I love you but you’re full of yourself and an asshole at times. Why do you think I’m engaged to Tom? He’s nothing like you. He didn’t put me through hell and beat me when he was high and drunk.” Your singer grabs her bag and hugs you, “I’ll see you for lunch tomorrow. See ya, Rudy.” How does Kevin respond and what do Tom, you and Rudy say?

11) Cassie loves Frozen and while at Disney she sees that they have a musical. She runs up to your singer and Tom and goes, “Can we go watch it? Please?” Tom goes, “It’s in air conditioning, sure.” Kevin rolls his eyes and says, “Am I seriously going to watch a musical right now?”  Cassie stands in front of him and gives him big puppy dog eyes, “Please Uncle Kevin?” You see Kevin visibly soften (he can never say no to his goddaughter). How does Kevin respond and what do you, your singer and Tom say? 

12) While at Disney all Kevin wants is a turkey leg, one time you’re walking and he goes, “I only came to get a turkey leg. Where are the turkey legs?” He looks around before pointing out a guy across the walkway, “That guy has a turkey leg.” He starts to go after him, “Sir, where did you get the turkey leg, Sir?” How do you, your singer, Tom, Cassie, and Sam respond?

13) You are hanging out with your singer and her friends. They’re all getting ready to go to a party while you and your singer are going to the studio to work on more tracks for your next album. They ask your singer to stand on the couch to get a picture. She looks behind her at the window and goes jokingly, “Can I fall out the window, please?” Before tipping herself back a bit. How do her four friends respond and what do you do? 

14) Your singer and Tom have had their third kid and you go to see them, bringing Cassie and Sam in tow. Your singer smiles at you and goes, “Meet Christie Lee Keifer.” Kevin goes, “Wait, did you seriously name your daughter after a Billy Joel song?” Tom answers, “Yes, do you have a problem with that?” How does Kevin respond and what do you say when your singer hands you the baby, what do Cassie and Sam do?

@osbournebemydaddy   your turn Bons :)

[jugggheadjoness]

from afar pt two // jughead jones au

from afar // the one with the ten hour drive

masterlist

summary: (Y/N) needs a wedding date. jughead is the only one available. small problem- they aren’t on good terms.

words: 1201

(((author’s note: i’ll try to release new parts daily but i don’t even know if you’re all enjoying this but i’m loving writing this so i’m sorry, you’ll have to put up with new parts whilst i avoid writing the final part for the parent trap. i hope you enjoy reading this part.)))

"Stop switching stations." (Y/N) grumbled, keeping her eyes on the road.

"Stop switching stations." Jughead mimicked her voice, causing her to let out a scoff. Using her right hand, (Y/N) switched off the car radio.

The pair sat in silence for awhile, the only noise was the other cars on the highway passing by. (Y/N) let out a groan as Jughead proceeded to switch the radio back on and flick through the stations, increasing the volume every time he did so, purposely trying to get a rise out of (Y/N).

"Can you please stop?" she groaned "Use the bloody AUX cord."

"No, can do. Tryna save my battery."

"I'm going to rip my hair out." she mumbled under her breath.

"Hey, babe?"

"Don't call me that."

"Sorry, sweet cheeks."

"Don't call me that either."

"Well, sweetheart, I need to call you something otherwise we won't be very believable."

"Why'd you agree to help?"

"I love to see you crash and burn."

Gently shaking his shoulders, (Y/N) tried go interrupt the sleep that had taken over Jughead. She was met with groans and mumbles.

"I'm stopping here for a bit, I'll be inside when you wake up. I'll leave the keys with you, just in case you want to join me." (Y/N) smiled at him, and for the first time in awhile she wasn't met with a stupid remark.

"Joshua, I hate you." she grumbled "I honestly cannot believe you."

"I'm sorry, (Y/N), it was a last minute thing, Mon decided that it would be better if we had the wedding at home, so we pushed the wedding forward."

"Anyways, I can't wait to see you. I've missed you." She took a sip of her coffee, spotting Jughead shutting the passenger door with his foot. She made a mental note to scorn him for his action.

"Andrews tells me you've got yourself a boyfriend."

"Archie hasn't been back for more than two seconds and he's already snitching."

As soon as he entered the store, she gave him a nod of acknowledgement before focusing her attention back to her brother.

"How long are you going to be? I'm way too excited to see you, so is mom and dad."

"It's safe to say that there's no need to wait up for Jug and I. We'll be arriving quite late. Still got another 6 hours to go."

"Is that his name?"

"It's actually Forsythe but that makes him sound like an old man."

She sighed as he once again shuffled in his seat. He was beginning to grow impatient and she knew it. "Stay still, Jones. You're distracting me."

He wiggled her eyebrows at her words "It's not my fault you're disgustingly in love with me."

"If we're going to do this properly, we need some guidelines. You can call me anything other than sweet cheeks or angel face."

"Alright then and when your family asks what happened to us after our "break up", you tell them that I broke it off."

"Definitely not."

"Alright then, sweet cheeks, you broke it off."

"Ugh fine, you broke it off."

"Hey, sweet cheeks. I need to pee."

"Hey, Jughead, shut up."

"Fine, I'll pee in your car."

"Jughead, shut up."

"No, you shut up."

"Do you want me to stop or not?"

"You're going to make me lose my hair."

"Give me five mins, darling." she scoffed. "I'll stop off at the nearest station."

"God, you're driving me mad. I don't know if its for better or for worse." he mumbled under his breath, (Y/N) unaware of his words.

"You hungry?" Jughead broke the silence as settled into his seat "I think there's a McDonald's coming up."

"I'm fine, but I'll stop off if you want to get food."

"I'd appreciate that, thanks sweet cheeks."

"What? No stupid comment?"

"You underestimate me sweet cheeks."

"Are we there yet?" Jughead groaned "I can't feel my bum."

(Y/N) ignored him and opted to put all her focus on the road and the long drive ahead.

"Don't ignore me, sweet cheeks."

"We've got three hour left, Jughead."

"Okay, sweet cheeks."

"Stop calling me that."

"Why are we stopping here?" Jughead glared at (Y/N) "We're nearly in Boston."

"Shut up, Jughead."

"Who put a stick up your ass?"

"Shut up, Jughead."

"I mean, come on. We were fine a minute ago."

"That's because you weren't speaking."

"Okay, sweet cheeks. I'll shut up."

"Stop calling me that."

(Y/N) looked at Jughead, who had a smirk plastered on his face almost as if he knew that he were bugging (Y/N). She had tried to fight the annoyance that grew inside of her but she could no longer hold it in.

"I'm stopping here because I can't stand to be in the same car as you."

"Oh, so you don't have a stick up your ass. You have the entire tree."

Unsure of what to say she just mocked him before locking her car and walking off.

He was hot on her heels, almost afraid that if he lost sight of her, he would be stranded in the middle of nowhere, with no way of getting to Boston or back to Riverdale.

"Keller, I can't do it."

"Can't do what?" Concern filled his voice and he immediately began to think of the worse scenarios

"This thing, whatever it is."

"You can't lie to Josh or you just can't stand Jughead?"

"I don't know, Kevin. He's just, I don't know..." She lowered her voice, gazing around to make sure Jughead was nowhere near her "Has he always been that good looking?"

"Jughead Jones is sex on legs." Kevin exclaimed.

"As good looking as he may be I still don't like him."

"See you in two week, (Y/N), Reggie and Ronnie and myself miss you a lot."

"Tell Reg, not to forget to pick Chester up in a week's time."

"Who the fuck is Chester?"

"He's mine and Reg's new child."

Jughead listened to the conversation from opposite her, (Y/N) still refusing to meet his eye. He reached over and pulled the phone away from his ear. "Sorry to cut the conversation short, Kev, I need to speak to my lovely girlfriend."

(Y/N) let out a scoff, taking her phone back from the dark haired boy who was sat opposite her. "Just remember to tell Reg that Chester's bed and food is in my room and that he's welcome to come in at anytime."

"Who's Chester?" Jughead questioned her.

"What's it got to do with you?"

"Whatever Chester is, he's living with us."

"Forsythe, you haven't lived with us in over six month. I wouldn't be surprised if your room is covered in an entire layer of dust."

"You know sweet cheeks, that was the least sarcastic thing you've ever said to me. Your lady boner for me is really coming out."

“Sweet cheeks, are we there yet?”

Silence.

“Sweeeeeeeeeet cheeks, don’t ignore me.”

“Can you please just stay quiet for the last ten minutes of this journey?”

“We’re in the middle of nowhere.”

“My parents live in the middle of nowhere.”

“Oh, is sweet cheeks a rich girl?”

“Stop calling me that.”

Tags: @xxgrunge-gerardxx

[punchlinesf]

The Punch Line and The Pit Bull

Bobby Slayton: (Picks Up Phone) You're 3 minutes late. It's 2:03. If you're 3 minutes late every day, eventually that's over 20 minutes late a week which is over 1,000 minutes a year that you wasted of my time. I'm a busy guy. I don't have time to waste.

That's actually the abbreviated version of how the infamously sharp-tongued comedian answered the phone. There was no attempt at a compulsory greeting. He was immediately (and hilariously) ranting, raving and calling me out on my tardiness. Slayton is one of the few comics that was both around at Punch Line's inception in 1978, and who has routinely performed here yearly since. Taking his lead, I didn't even attempt to slow things down and introduce myself. I just played along...   

Ronn Vigh: So, is this why you're known as "The Pitbull of Comedy?" 

BS: Well, Alex Bennett came up with that. He was a big SF radio guy in the 80s and 90s. He really was the first guy in the country to have comics on the radio and I was the first guy. Then one day, I lost the radio station a big account they had with McDonalds because I made an innocuous little joke about them. Who even knows what it was. That was when Bennett told me, "Slayton, you're like a pitbull. You bite the hand that feeds you." It just stuck.

RV: And, so you've been-------- 

BS: I don't really like it anymore. I told my people to take it off my website. So, what are we doing here? What's this for anyway? 

RV: Well, this is for Punch Line San Francisco's comedy blog. Since you're hosting our 40th anniversary celebration shows, I really wanted to get the chance to talk to you comic-to-comic and hear about the early days of our beloved club and how things have progressed or regressed over the last 40 years. 

BS: Yea, well when it started, the place was a real dump! There was a big club just next door - The Old Waldorf. Where the Punch Line is now was kind of the back stage area when there was a show. It was a beat up shitty bar with a big pool table. One Embarcadero wasn't even built yet, there wasn't action downtown, it was pretty dead. Jon Fox started doing comedy there first and he used me a lot and Bruce Balm, George Wallace, Elayne Boosler, we were all coming up and around then.... but it wasn't a nice place. I was kind of embarrassed. 

RV: We're you simply living in the moment and doing gigs at the club because they were available to you? Or, did you recognize early on that the place was a diamond in the rough?

BS: Yea.... I had started doing comedy about a year before that and was kind of the house MC. I was so embarrassed by the joint. There were plastic sheets nailed to the ceiling, old beat up couches with nails coming out of the side, the microphone was mounted from the ceiling and would fall down during the show. The place was a fucking wreck. The guy running the place was such a cheap fuck. So, I went out and bought movie posters, posters of old time comics and tried to make it look decent. When Bill Graham took it over, he finally put some money into it. 

RV: I technically started comedy in New York. However, Punch Line has been highly influential in my development as a comic during the 2000's. It sounds like it was both the infancy of your career and the club when you were performing here regularly. How do you think it has influenced your career? 

BS: When Old Waldorf was next door, they were paying like 25 or 50 dollars a set at both places and Dana Carvey, Kevin Pollak and I worked the rooms the most. You would go up before the band, then over to the Punch Line and back to the band and then back to the club for the late show. By the last show, between the booze and probably the coke too, I'd be on my ninth set and forgot what the hell I talked about already. But, that's what got me good.... getting a lot of stage time. It was kill or be killed. It was really very good training! 

RV: So, your career has spanned 4 decades. Being the "Pitbull of Comedy" that you are, have you found it harder or easier to do your act in more recent years? 

BS: It's really much harder now. You think at this point audiences would be better trained but the attention span of millennials is that of a fucking fly. 

RV: Yes but with the current political and social climate, do you think people tend to have more knee-jerk reactions rather than just listening to the material as a whole? 

BS: All they hear are buzzwords. Holocaust. Autism. AIDS. Then they are quick to judge and get all caught up in a fucking bandwagon. As far as I'm concerned, if you can't name any of The Beatles then you should be dead. And then the millennials will complain, "Oh well The Beatles were before my time." It's like fuck you! George Washington was before my time and I still know that he's on the fucking one dollar bill. 

RV: Do you think social media and sites like YouTube have ruined the live stand-up comedy experience? 

BS: I never liked social media. I tweet once a week and I lose followers once a week. I don't give a shit anymore. The whole game has changed. You had guys like (Don) Rickles and dozens of comics in the 60s who would go on stage in 3 or 4 piece suits, jacket and ties... Now it wouldn't even matter. Everyone is a slob, in dirty shorts. Flip flops. It's disgusting now. It was a different time, a different era. 

RV: In all 40 years, what are your best memories of performing at Punch Line? 

BS: Robin Williams stopping by all the time and a lot of hot waitresses.  

RV: I've heard stories of Robin popping in a lot. Though, I've also heard this club referred to as "The House That Bobby Built." 

BS: You know where that comes from, right? 

RV: Um. (Long Pause) I'm afraid to tell you no. 

BS: Didn't you say you were from the fucking East Coast? It comes from Babe Ruth. Yankee Stadium. The house that Ruth built. Listen, I don't know if I contributed that much to the long term success. I was certainly a part of it and so was Dana Carvey, Kevin Pollak, Jon Fox, Bill Graham. It really was a big group effort. 

It will certainly be a group effort again as we celebrate our 40th anniversary throughout October. Bobby Slayton is coming back to MC a series of shows featuring comics that have helped shape our club throughout its 40 years of serving up live comedy. 

Bobby Slayton & Friends 40th Anniversary Celebration At Punch Line San Francisco on Oct 11, 12, 13. One show Thursday. 2 Shows on Friday and Saturday. Tickets are $25 - $30.  

[girl-drink-drunk]

shoutout to the blonde and her evil twin from sky high who went out on a double date with boomer and both spent the time fawning over medulla instead