#anyway. if youre a man reading this and you feel angry bc 'its a compliment' no its not and I hope someone sets you straight

[dreamlanddoll]

when you get catcalled taking your dog out for a shit and now you're too self concious to go back out for her walk bc now all you can think abt is "how many other men in their cars are starring at my ass"

[blxetsi]

do you write for zeke? if so could you please do some boyfriend!zeke (modern au) hcs? thanks🥺

tysm for requesting !!!

modern zeke jaeger dating headcanons

lowercase intended !

zeke jaeger x gn!reader

- biggest tease ever.

- i think you two wouldve started off as friends to lovers yk 😌✨

- v funny v teasing will make fun of you no matter what

- but its all lighthearted and you can genuinely tell hes joking and doesnt mean what he says

- hes a coffee person. all the way.

- almost always seen with a coffee in his hand

- after you keep stealing sips of whatever hes got he finally just caves in and will bring you your own drink whenever he sees you

- if you dont drink coffee, but prefer a sugary drink or something he'll tease you about it

- hes a very relaxed person and doesnt get jealous, hes not someone that will go balistic and get angry when you hug a friend he doesnt know or whatever

- also would be really cool with your exes if youre cool with them, like "oh yeah i remember you telling me abt them, congrats on your engagement btw" just a very civil man

- if he does have insecurities about your relationship he just kind of, wont say anything ???

- not that he doesnt want to he just doesnt know how to bring it up

- bae pls learn how to talk abt your feelings 😁👍

- anyways after a little bit youll notice somethings wrong, but he'll try and act "strong" bc thats what he thinks hes supposed to be for you

- baby no u can be vulnerable its okay 😐🤚

- he finally lets everything go and has a really long and progressive conversation with you about everything, and you guys work it all out !

- you assure him its okay to be honest and that hes always welcome to talk to you about how hes feeling and his heart just swells

- im also a firm believer in that zeke genuinely doesnt care what you look like, if he finds you cool he finds you cool, he dgaf

- poc ?? he loves you. plus sized ?? he loves you.

- if you even THINK of being like "lol im insecure" hes shutting it down and talking abt how beautiful he finds you

- hes also someone that likes to push you out of your comfort zone, but in baby steps ?? like hes not going to force you to do something when you say "zeke im genuinely not comfortable with this" but if youre very shy he'll try and help you kind of,, not be as shy (hopefully this makes sense 😁👍)

- also loves to cook with you.

- his favourite types of dates are just when you two go to each others' homes and just cook dinner together ?? maybe drink some wine while you chop vegetables and work together (if you drink obv, if you dont he wont drink either even if you say its okay)

- he thinks it makes the food taste better because "it was made with our love" yeah ok ig 🙄🙏

- his family is really cool !! his dads a doctor and his step moms a social worker, and theyre really nice people !! his younger brother is in college but after a while he grows to love you like a sibling

- his mom lives a couple hours away, so he only gets to see her during holidays, but shes a very kind woman who owns an art shop !

- hes a very family oriented man, and really likes that you like his family and vice versa, he thinks its really important that his s/o and family get along

- when hes with you he sees himself being with you for the long run, im talking marriage and kids (if thats what you want) but definitely marriage

- if you two had different friend groups i think it would be hard for either of you to kind of fit in with each others friends, but after a while you two get the hang of it and it gets easier to see them !!

- is the kind of guy who'll wake you up with kisses on your cheek 🤩

- also likes to spoon you or have your head on his chest. will NOT be the baby spoon no matter what.

- also the kind of guy who dramatically stretches and yawns in the morning

- likes it when you hold his hand, even if you guys are just sitting together on the couch watching something, its so simple and subtle but it makes him really happy

- if you have an office at home that you work in a lot, he'll come and check on you when it gets late. will just rub and pat your head and ask what youre working on, and ask if youll be done soon

- if youre stressing on something that needs to be done THAT NIGHT he understands and will just leave you to it

- when you come to bed late it wakes him up but hes glad it does bc then he can pull you into his arms 😌✨

- zeke has very warm hands, to the point where sometimes theyre sweaty and clammy, so when you have a stomach ache or cramps he has no problem just laying down behind you and rubbing your stomach where it hurts

- if you have a weird interest or hobby he wont discourage it as long as its not hurting you or anybody else, he'll try and get into it to but if he cant no harm done, he'll respect it and you

- i think he would have some acne scars on his cheeks from highschool (puberty am i right 🙄😤⁉️) and thats one of the reasons why he has a beard, just to make it hard to see

- its mostly bc hes cool though, and although he started growing it out BECAUSE he found the scarring weird, as hes gotten older he just doest care anymore

- if you think he looks hot clean shaven he'll do it for u, and he loves the compliments you give him

- zeke is the kind of guy that will flip through the tabloid magazines at checkout

- "babe did you know that jennifer lawrence has a dark secret ??" "i- i did not 😁"

- also the kind of guy that will laugh if he sees kids falling in public

- if he was a father he'd help his kid up obviously, but would do it while giggling the whole time

- has dad handwriting (u know what im talking about)

- everytime he calls his brother he answers with "hey asshole" ??? brotherly love 🙈✨

- is very into horror films, but ONLY good ones

- so like hereditary, midsommar, and black swan are some ones he loves

- the kind of guy that has captain crunch for breakfast every morning

- theres this guy at the law firm he works at that he has a "rivalry" of sorts with, his names levi and from what youve been told hes actually very intimidating ??

- loves to read and will read to you if you ask, would have you in between his legs with your back to his chest on the bed, and he'd have one hand in yours and the other holding whatever book you choose

- zeke needs to be in complete darkness to sleep but needs to have a room as bright as possible to be productive. so every morning after he stretches and gets out of bed hes immediately opening his curtains and letting light into the room because "its the only way he'll actually get ready"

- if he was ever to pop the question he'd do it alone at a very mundane time, just like "wow this is the moment" and ask you to marry him. doesnt matter if he has a ring or not, hes ready, and he realizes this, and he finds the beauty in just doing something so simple with you. hes content and happy, and you make him see life in things he hasnt before, and hes ready for the commitment that comes with marriage, and hes in love with you.

hope u all enjoyed 🤩🤩🤩 asks r open so request if ud like !!! okay love u all stay safe 🤩

[cryptidofthekeys]

Its another tf2 oc and im not ashamed

Let me break it down to y’all how this happened, so basically- I wanted a mafia-esque spy character but then my brain decided ok mafia mans is coolio BUT WHAT IF... t e n t a s p y mafia boss man? And voila here this fucker is

Name: Alphonse Blanchard | Titles/Nicknames: The Spy, Boss which usually his "partners" call him that, or just call him Alphonse, only ONE person can call him AL, anyone else tries it and well it wont be a very pleasant experience | Gender: Male | Species/Race: Used to be a normal human, now he's a Tentaspy- a m o n s t e r. | Age: 49s/50s | Occupation: Even tho he's got the title of The Spy n such- he's p much teechnically a Mafia Boss- b i g boss man for sure- | Height: When he was human he was about 5'7", but now he's 8'9" (nearly 9ft) | Eye Color: His eye color when he was human was a Steel Gray color, his eyes are now a Charcoal color (mostly for their meanings n stuff), his pupils are also slit ones now. | Hair Color: (even though most of his face except for his eyes and mouth are covered by a balaclava and you'd most likely never see him without his mask on, his hair color is black with grey streaks in the sides of it, however for the record- his hair is VERY tidy and slicked back) | Appearance: Now, not much changes tbh- except... he cant wear pants bc of the tentacles on his lower half but I'll get to those in a minute, he wears v e r y fancy and HIGHLY expensive suits, only the f i n e s t of clothing for him, usually he wears dark gray or black suits but he does have other colors- their just ALL dark colors, he likes the appeal of black or gray colors- and he d e f i n i t e l y loves the meaning behind them, they fit him so well... He also wears fedoras, he has some rings (you know the ones- the ones that some mafia characters or just big shots in general tend to wear- yeaah, his biggest ring and the one he usually wears has a skull on it-), and he of course has a circle beard, oh and he has a lot of scars both on his upper human body and his tentacles even, just- gettin that outta the way right quick- now onto his more monstrous features... For starters, let's get the simple one out of the way, he DOES have claws now, long sharp black claws to be more specific- his tentacles are pitch black on top with Smoke Gray tiger-like stripes going down them his underbelly is also Smoke Gray color- and oh boy... here's the most complex thing- his teeth, while all his teeth are p much bear trap teeth, his lateral incisors both top and bottom are longer kinda like vampire teeth or something like that ya know, his actual canines both top and bottom ones along with his first AND second premolars (again both the top ones AND the bottom ones are actually curved (kinda like an anaconda's in a way- p much- just- hooked teeth, perfect for hooking onto prey and not letting go if need be) | Personality: Oh b o y well, where to even begin with this motherfucker? He's narcissistic as hell "I k n o w I'm handsome, yes~" and god forbid you compliment him or anything- bc with e v e r y compliment, every good thing said about him his ego inflates and grows tenfold, even if you say bad shit about him- he don't give a fuck- as long as it doesn't affect his reputation then you'll be fine! He'll just pay no mind to petty insults or anything, at first- insults calling him a monster n anything similar bothered him, it made him feel sick every time someone had used those insults but now? Now... While he would MUCH prefer to have legs again (its honestly just bc its easier to walk around with legs than tentacles), he e m b r a c e s the fact he's a monster, he knows there's no reversing this, if there was- he would... he wouldn't go OUT of his way for it BUT he would at the very least TRY  to get his hands on whatever could cure this, ahem anyways- he's come to terms with what he is even if some things about it aren't... ideal... I wouldn't say he's EVIL really, he's more so a neutral unless provoked/attacked- t h e n he'll "take care" of whatever or whoever's causing the problem with NO mercy whatsoever, but other than that he can be a reasonable man, just don't piss him off, steal from him, etc- basically don't make enemies with him and you should be just fine, he isn't one for small talk or anything like that, he wants to talk business, business and m o n e y even, even if he is a fucking HIGHLY rich bastard, he always wants more- he's got a BIT of a greed streak in him for sure (that doesn't mean however he won't let others borrow money, he just expects them to pay it back in the end or sometimes... he'll use his money for ahem, undercover classified reasons...) He'll flirt with a n y o n e if they happen to catch his eye, not just ladies either- men, ladies, no gender? What the fuck ever, if he wants- he's GONNA flirt with anyone, even if it might not end in love or whatever, he doesn't? really? He doesn't really care tbh, love is alright and if it happens it happens but honestly- he's just a fucking flirty b i t c h, who loves to see that flustered look and get a reaction from the other, you'll never truly know... feelings? Maybe but probably not... (tl;dr: Flirty bitch- I wouldnt hold hopes for feelings, greed streak but isn't afraid to let others borrow money so long as they pay it back in the end- some things he uses it for are classified- p much [REDACTED] info, neutral unless provoked/attacked, no mercy nor care towards enemies- can and WILL wipe out every single one of his enemies without a single t r a c e being left behind, even tho he's a monster now and has a LOT more strength than a normal human, he still tends to use guns or knives but isn't afraid to use his monstrous features if need be, narcissistic bastardery at its finest- compliment him and watch his ego inflate! "Don't you want r e a l friends Alphonse and not just henchmen or lackeys?" "....Non, not in the slightest, absolutely disgusting to even ASSUME I need friends, I, myself am my best company, better than any friend could e v e r do" w o w- b a s t a r d energy there huh) | Side Facts: ...Truth be told, he won't e v e r forget the day he turned into... this... this t h i n g... Even if he's accepted his fate, even if he's accepted to be this monster, the memory still lingers and haunts him and his very dreams, he has nightmares about it, and its mostly due to the agonizing pain he felt d u r i n g his little "transformation", it happened one day- he was in his own medic's lab (yes, the bitch has his o w n doctor), it was a normal routine health check up his medic liked to do- the man was always harping onto Alphonse for that pesky smoking habit of his, but then suddenly, one of the rival- well, t h e y call themselves family- Alphonse only considers the people he hired to be henchmen, lackeys, OR- just employees for basic terms, but one of his rivals broke in and decided to open fire and of course, it turned into an all out gun war, Alphonse DID get shot- which is what caused him to stumble backwards into a shelf full of god knows what, after he bumped it, a few jars of weird substances had fallen onto him, after that he could feel his body twisting and contorting, he remembers the a g o n i z i n g pain he felt that day, it was worse than that mere gunshot wound that he had... Aside from the horrifying memory of what fate had befell him... He also remembers what he d i d to his little rivals... He remembers the mortified and terror-stricken look on their faces, all of them had ran- except for... their boss... so much for "family sticks together" huh, he remembers slithering over towards the boss, who- well, he tried to fire from the looks of it, but he was so terrified that he had dropped his gun, Alphonse had never seen such terror on a grown man's face like that, but he loved e v e r y. s e c o n d. until the very end, he doesn't remember what came over him in the end, maybe it was blind fury, or maybe it was just instincts, but after he did what he did... He remembers seeing the boss's head ripped off completely along with other limbs ripped off and flung across the room. Unfortunately, his suit was v e r y messy after that- He actually still keeps the boss's head preserved- almost like a t r o p h y in fact... ....Oh, your probably wondering what happened to his doctor, right? ....Well, I'll say is he's still out there, he didn't get killed- neither by the rivals nor Alphonse's instincts/fury, but truth be told... He doesn't REALLY wanna come back, he wants to stay hidden- I will say, yes- he DID see Alphonse transform, but after that he fled- part of him figured deep down that Alphonse would be v e r y angry with him since h e was technically the one who had those jars just sitting around on the shelf and he did NOT wanna stick around if that man was c r o s s with him... now whether or not Alphonse will ever encounter/find him again? ... Who knows- h e h ASIDE from all the backstory of why he turned into a Tentaspy, let's move onto things Alphonse just- likes to do in his spare time when he's not talking business n all that jazz- He usually smokes some of his cigarettes or cigars, he loves the cigars more though- he'll also do some reading in his spare time as well, or he'll listen to some calming music- sometimes he'll do all three, smoke, read, and listen to some calming music- he's not... the most exciting man, he's just usually busy- so when he's not- he'll just do those things- He'll SOMETIMES go outside and get some fresh air, usually its at night- not necessarily just bc there's l e s s people to worry about- but usually because he enjoys looking up and seeing the moonlight when its out, such a beautiful sight...

[garbagequeer]

hey hello im writing a piece for laptop ensemble that involves sampling and i need the most repressed/tender/yearning quotes you got. just as gay and heart wrenching as you can. but also no pressure I know youre a stranger on the web I just feel like you post that kind of stuff a lot thank you bye

hope this isnt like too late school keeps me busy :( (also can you put a read more on asks? guess i’ll find out). i ended up choosing many quotes from the same texts cause im indecisive as shit but i’ll bold my favorites from those in case that makes it easier for you!

anyways first of all you can never go wrong w richard siken as obvious as that is. these are both from you are jeff

You’re in a car with a beautiful boy, and he won’t tell you that he loves you, but he loves you. And you feel like you’ve done something terrible, like robbed a liquor store, or swallowed pills, or shoveled yourself a grave in the dirt, and you’re tired. You’re in a car with a beautiful boy, and you’re trying not to tell him that you love him, and you’re trying to choke down the feeling, and you’re trembling, but he reaches over and he touches you, like a prayer for which no words exist, and you feel your heart taking root in your body, like you’ve discovered something you don’t even have a name for.

Let’s say you’ve swallowed a bad thing and now it’s got its hands inside you. This is the essence of love and failure. You see what I mean but you’re happy anyway, and that’s okay, it’s a love story 

this one’s from planet of love (the format got fucked bc tumblr is not actually a finctional website but :/ )

I have a megaphone and you play along,                                                                 because you want to die for love,                                                            you always have.     Imagine this:You’re pulling the car over. Somebody’s waiting.                      You’re going to die                                            in your best friend’s arms.             And you play along because it’s funny, because it’s written down,you’ve memorized it,

from litany in which certain things are crossed out 

I make you pancakes, I take you hunting, I talk to you as if you’re            really there.Are you there, sweetheart? Do you know me? Is this microphone live?                                                       Let me do it right for once,

sorry about the scene at the bottom of the stairwell                                    and how I ruined everything by saying it out loud.            Especially that, but I should have known.You see, I take the parts that I remember and stitch them back together            to make a creature that will do what I sayor love me back.

We were inside the train car when I started to cry. You were crying too,            smiling and crying in a way that made meeven more hysterical. You said I could have anything I wanted, but I                                                                                just couldn’t say it out loud.Actually, you said Love, for you,                             is larger than the usual romantic love. It’s like a religion. It’s                                                                                                 terrifying. No one                                                                        will ever want to sleep with you.

from snow and dirty rain

I had a dream about you. We were in the gold roomwhere everyone finally gets what they want.

that scene from when harry met sally where sally says:

One day I was taking Alice’s little girl fro the afternoon. I’d promised to take her to the circus, and we were in a cab playing “I spy” - you know, “I spy a lamppost”, “I spy a mailbox” - and she looked out the window and there was this man and this woman with two little kids, and the man had one of the kids on his shoulders, and Alice’s little girl said “I spy a family”, and I satrted crying, you know? I just started crying, and I went home

(like anyone else sometimes cries when u see a family doing something nice? is it because i want to participate in a sense of family of my own but have been excluded as a gay person from it’s portrayals and it makes me go :^( cause i dont feel there’s room for me there but i want there to be and i just have to long for this nuclear family heteronormative way of life that i’ve been made to believe is idylic? is it because my parents got divorced and my dad’s an ass and my mom is just a very angry lady and i want to re-do my own childhood? who knows. should we ban movies? yes we should!)

from maurice (ultimate source of tender)

“There was something better in life than this rubbish, if only he could get to it, love, nobility, big spaces where passion clasped peace, spaces no science could reach, but they existed for ever, full of woods some of them, and arched with majestic sky and a friend”

‘Did you ever dream you had a friend, Alec? Nothing else but just “my friend”, he trying to help you and you him. A friend’ he repeated, sentimental suddenly. ‘Someone to last your whole life and you his. I suppose such a thing can’t really happen outside sleep’

we are all so lucky i don’t actually own maurice in english this would just turn into me quoting the whole book

ee cummings voices to voices, lip to lip

the thing perhaps isto eat flowers and not to be afraid.

from virgina woolf’s letters to vita

7 september 1925

january 21 1926 vita writes

I am reduced to a thing that wants Virginia. I composed a beautiful letter to you in the sleepless nightmare hours of the night, and it has all gone: I just miss you, in a quite simple desperate human way. You, with all your un-dumb letters, would never write so elementary phrase as that; perhaps you wouldn’t even feel it. And yet I believe you’ll be sensible of a little gap. But you’d clothe it in so exquisite a phrase that it would lose a little of its reality. Whereas with me it is quite stark: I miss you even more than I could have believed; and I was prepared to miss you a good deal. So this letter is just really a squeal of pain. It is incredible how essential to me you have become. I suppose you are accustomed to people saying these things. Damn you, spoilt creature; I shan’t make you love me any the more by giving myself away like this—But oh my dear, I can’t be clever and stand-offish with you: I love you too much for that. Too truly. You have no idea how stand-offish I can be with people I don’t love. I have brought it to a fine art. But you have broken down my defences. And I don’t really resent it …

and on january 26 virginia writes back

Your letter from Trieste came this morning—But why do you think I don’t feel, or that I make phrases? ‘Lovely phrases’ you say which rob things of reality. Just the opposite. Always, always, always I try to say what I feel. Will you then believe that after you went last Tuesday—exactly a week ago—out I went into the slums of Bloomsbury, to find a barrel organ. But it did not make me cheerful … And ever since, nothing important has happened—Somehow its dull and damp. I have been dull; I have missed you. I do miss you. I shall miss you. And if you don’t believe it, you’re a longeared owl and ass. Lovely phrases? … 

from virginia’s diary, about vita on december 21 1925

I like her and being with her and the splendour–she shines in the grocer’s shop in Sevenoaks with a candle lit radiance, stalking on legs like beech trees, pink glowing, grape clustered, pearl hung.

from virginia woolf’s to the light house

What device for becoming, like waters poured into one jar, inextricably the same, one with the object one adored? Could the body achieve, or the mind, subtly mingling in the intricate passages of the brain? or the heart? Could loving, as people called it, make her and Mrs Ramsay one? for it was not knowledge but unity that she desired, not inscriptions on tablets, nothing that could be written in any language known to men, but intimacy itself, which is knowledge, she had thought, leaning her head on Mrs Ramsay’s knee. Nothing happened. Nothing! Nothing! as she leant her head against Mrs Ramsay’s knee. And yet, she knew knowledge and wisdom were stored up in Mrs Ramsay’s heart.

Love had a thousand shapes. There might be lovers whose gift it was to choose out the elements of things and place them together and so, giving them a wholeness not theirs in life, make of some scene, or meeting of people (all now gone and separate), one of those globed compacted things over which thought lingers, and love plays.

there forced themselves upon her other things, her own inadequacy, her insignificance, keeping house for her father off the Brompton Road, and had much ado to control her impulse to fling herself (thank Heaven she had always resisted so far) at Mrs Ramsay’s knee and say to her—but what could one say to her? “I’m in love with you?” No, that was not true. “I’m in love with this all,” waving her hand at the hedge, at the house, at the children. It was absurd, it was impossible 

(fun fact: the spanish translation adds something that i’d translate as “one could not say what one meant / what one wanted to say”, which i really like and i was disapointed to find out isnt on the english edition)

It was love, she thought, pretending to move her canvas, distilled and filtered; love that never attempted to clutch its object; but, like the love which mathematicians bear their symbols, or poets their phrases, was meant to be spread over the world and become part of the human gain. So it was indeed. The world by all means should have shared it  

from the great gatsby

I didn’t want to go to the city. I wasn’t worth a decent stroke of work but it was more than that—I didn’t want to leave Gatsby. I missed that train, and then another, before I could get myself away (…) Just before I reached the hedge I remembered something and turned around. ‘They’re a rotten crowd,’ I shouted across the lawn. ‘You’re worth the whole damn bunch put together.’ I’ve always been glad I said that. It was the only compliment I ever gave him

from kafka’s diaries

may 27 1911: Today is your birthday, but I am not even sending you the usual book, for it would be only pretence; at bottom I am after all not in position to give you a book. I am writing only because it is so necessary for me today to be near you for a moment

parts from a from a letter he wrote to oskar pollak on february 4 1902

When we talk together the words are hard; we tread over them as if they were rough pavement. The most delicate things acquire awkward feet and we can’t help it. We’re almost in each other’s way; I bump into you and you - I don’t dare and you. When we come to things that are not exactly cobblestones or the Kunstwart, we suddenly see that we are in masquerade, acting with angular faces (especially me, I admit), and then we become sad and bored. Does anyone make you as bored as I do?

then I fall silent and you fall silent and you become bored, and I become bored and it’s all like a stupid hangover and there’s no use lifting a hand. But neither wants to say this to the other, out of shame or fear or - You see, we are afraid of each other, or I am.

Of course I understand it. It’s boring to stand for years in front of an ugly wall and it just won’t crumble away. Of course, but the wall is afraid for itself, fro the garden (if there is one), and you get out of sorts, yawn, have headaches, don’t know where to turn

You often talk with her, not only for the sake of talking. You walk around with her somewhere here or there, or in Roztok, and i sit at my desk at home. You talk with her, and in the middle of a sentence somebody jumps up and makes a bow. That is me with my untrimmed words and angular faces. That lasts only a moment, and then you go on talking. I sit at my desk at home and yawn. I’ve been trhough it already. Wouldn’t that separate us? Is that so strange? Are we enemies? I am very fond of you

from his leters to milena

Last night I dreamed about you. What happened in detail I can hardly remember, all I know is that we kept merging into one another. I was you, you were me. Finally you somehow caught fire.

jane wong. from clearing

We want to believe everything has meaning.Plums blossom over a power grid

and I am in love again. The shame of it.

from leslie harrison’s [sirens]

I’m not Penelope married to faith married to waitingbound in fine soft strands of silk dyed and stretchedin my world longing has teeth and fins has a tastefor blood longing is a room built entirely of knives

Lorde’s melodrama tour interlude

Don’t you wish you could go inside a heart, see the strings and atrium’s, everything beating and bleeding. It’s kind of funny, I spend almost every minute thinking about love. Being guided, and divided by love. But I’ve never seen it. It’s just a rumour, a comedown, an afterglow. I wanna see it, in colour. In the summer, I can almost picture it

from Andrea Long Chu’s on liking women

One day, you tell yourself, it will give you what you want. Then, one day, it doesn’t. Now it dawns on you that your object will probably never give you what you want. But this is not what’s disappointing, not really. What’s disappointing is what happens next: nothing. You keep your object. You continue to follow it around, stash it in a drawer, water it, tweet at it. It still doesn’t give you what you want—but you knew that. You have had another realization: not getting what you want has very little to do with wanting it. Knowing better usually doesn’t make it better. You don’t want something because wanting it will lead to getting it. You want it because you want it

ada limón, In a Mexican Restaurant I Recall How Much You Upset Me

But love is impossible and it goes ondespite the impossible. You’re the muscleI cut from the bone and still the boneremembers, still it wants (so much, it wants)the flesh back, the real thing,if only to rail against it, if onlyto argue and fight, if only to missa solve-able absence.

i dont think i need to get into mitski songs because you probably already know but basically pink in the night/come into the water/once more to see you/in happy when she says if you’re going take the train so i can hear it rumble one last rumble/in i want you from the first verse to the first time she goes “i just need a quiet place where i can scream how i love you” (YES the card thing is very important)/the first verse of i will (w emphasis on everything you feel is good i f you wold only let you)/abbey/strawberry blond

sufjan steven’s futile devices obviously predatory wasp of the palisades you know the drill 

was going to find some twin fantasy lyrics but i started thinking about famous prophets (minds) and like. emotionally left my body so. i wont be thinking about it or any other songs anymore it makes me too crazy

from frances ha

It’s that thing when you’re with someone and you love them and they know it and they love you and you know it but it’s a party and you’re both talking to other people and you’re laughing and shining and you look across the room and catch each other’s eyes. But not because you’re possessive, or it’s precisely sexual, but because that is your person in this life and it’s funny and sad but only because this life will end and it’s this secret world that exists right there. In public. Unnoticed. That no one else knows about. It’s sort of like how they say that other dimensions exist all around us but we don’t have the ability to perceive them. That’s what I want out of a relationship. Or just life, I guess.

from ellen lee’s notes on twin fantasy that i revisit constantly

there’s no going back to deliver these words to the ones they were really meant for. That’s how heartbreak feels, I guess. It feels like your heart in between the teeth of someone who’s looking away. When you’ve lost your loved object, what happens to all the things you have to say to them? When they’re turned away, what happens to all the things that you couldn’t, but desperately need(ed) to, say to their face? He dissociates himself from his own romance until it becomes a fantasy. You have your bleeding heart, you have a finite set of memories — when nothing new enters and you’re unwilling to let go, then you have a fantasy. The loved object enters into you and transforms.

the journey home by dermot bolger(havent read this at all dont really plan to/dont know a thing about it either i just came across this shit like 2 years ago and i still think about it)

I wanted to hurt him; I wanted just to touch him. What I wanted I’m not really sure. If he had stopped and opened his arms I would have walked towards him; I would have sat on the kerb all night with him

adam b, sweet i have a (really gay) heart

i feel like my body is the extension of a lake. i feel really badabout not telling you the truth, sometimes. i feelreally small next to you. tall boys remind me of bean stalks.i wish i had your legs. i wish i could know your handsbefore i even touch them

aaaand i think that’s all i could think of and track down, hope this is actually helpful and not too long (i am indecisive no kidding). also ksjdfg it’s nice that you thought to ask me this and i did have fun going over all these quotes so thank you 💖💖💖

[fire-emblem-drabbles]

I am in. love. with the way you write Valter. You somehow capture his eerie calmness in a way I’ve never seen before! ❤️ I’d die if you published any more content for the trash man (If you need specifics, maybe a dignified summoner giving him a serious compliment?) Anyways, I love your work!!

This comment means so much to me because (and I say this in the middle of writing this request) Valter is just… hard for me to capture bc as much as I like him its hard for me to write like… mean people? So I hope you like this, anon, its gonna get kinda long!  Oppsie how did this piece end up being 3000 words? What’s up with that? I hope you like it anon, I feel like I may have gotten a little too ooc but like… oh well!

Winter festivities may have been over, but the weather was still here to stay for some time. It was snowing in full swing, but still, the enemy came to you; the blizzard had caught everyone by surprise, and when you had been ordering your forces to retreat, you got cut off from most of them. You were alone and fearful. What if the enemy found you first? What if you simply died from exposure in this cold? What a way for the legendary Summoner to die. All the enemies you had managed to outwit prior would be laughing, hell the lot of them are likely laughing at your despair right this moment.

You hadn’t quite given up, but you were ready to scream out of frustration when in the surge of white and nothingness pushed up quickly around you. You cursed this new blanket of snow and covered your eyes as best you could, squinting against the blinding color to see what had happened. Would this be your demise or your savior? It finally cleared so you could see what was before you, a familiar, albeit, gruff, wyvern and it’s ruthless master. Upon seeing Valter, you couldn’t quite say if this would be the death of you or not. You couldn’t quite tell with him, but the contract bound him. Perhaps you would be safe with him. He was the closest thing to an ally around you right now, and your only hope.

“Where is everyone else?” You had to raise your voice in the shrill of the storm, moving closer to Valter so he could hear you. His wyvern was also big enough to provide a bit of cover from the storm. Its scales must have been thicker than you could tell because it didn’t seem to mind the cold at all. In fact, Valter didn’t seem to mind either. He had that same smirk on his face as usual, probably due to the circumstances you currently found yourself in. Probably took some sick pleasure in knowing he was your only hope, but no need to dwell on that.

“You’re the only one I’ve been able to find, Summoner. It seems we’ve been cut off from the main force.” He wasn’t meeting your gaze, not due to shyness or awkwardness, but to make sure you weren’t followed. His survey of the arena turned out short and he continued speaking. “You’re lucky, that cloak of yours lets you blend into the snow well.” He stepped closer to you and blocked even more cold from you. You didn’t want to admit how much you appreciated that, you were freezing, because you knew the gesture was meant to intimidate you. “But you are my prey, and no matter what, I shall find you.” You frowned and crossed your arms, looking up at him.

“That’s great, but can you take us back to our main force? I can’t stay out there like this much longer or I get hypothermia. I’m already starting to lose feeling in my hands.” Valter studied you a moment, from your slight shivering, how you were trying to stop your teeth from chattering, and how you still managed to look angry at him through you frozen bangs.

“The storm is getting too thick for me to search properly. However,” His lips curled into a bigger grin, one that would have made you frown more had you energy to do so. “I passed by a shelter not far from here, we should be able to make it there and wait out the brunt of this storm.” You rolled your eyes and sighed.

“Okay then, lead the way.” He jumped atop his wyvern, and without much of asking, pulled you atop in front of him as well.

“Be careful not to fall Summoner.” Valter’s chuckle rang through your ears as his arms circled either side of your waist to pick up the reins. With a quick snap, his wyvern was once more in the air, and you squealed in surprise. You wouldn’t fall off due to his arms on either side of you yet you still felt unsafe. Your fear kept you from speaking, and the blistering wind hitting your face kept your eyes closed. Your pressed close to Valter, just wishing this experience to be over.

It wasn’t long before you heard Valter laugh again. “There was no need to be so frighted, no harm would have befallen you.” You slowly open your eyes and saw Valter was already standing just outside a small cabin. The place even had a sizable barn nearby, with large enough doors for Valter’s wyvern to stay in.

“With you, I’m never certain,” You grumbled, trying to look for a way down without hurting yourself. You never understood how he seemed to just jump on and off this beast. Wordlessly, Valter offered you his hand. Slowly, you took it, and he helped you down. “Thank you…” Your words were quiet as if not meant for his ears. Valter heard them well enough, though. Seemed he had no intention to say your welcome, though. You turned away from him, and knocked on the door a few times, only for the door to push in by its self. You pushed in more and took a hesitant step inside the cold place. Valter wasn’t far behind and was quick to place a warning hand on your shoulder. You didn’t very well expect this to be a trap, but it was better to be wary in these situations you supposed. So, you let him take the lead to see what was inside this one room cabin.

It was dark but still spacious. If anything, it looked hastily abandoned. You could make out the vague shape of an overturned table, a bed moved away from the wall, and other clutter. “I think its clear…” Your voice was soft, sad. “The battle was so close to here… whoever lived here must have fled in fear.” Valter didn’t respond but replaced his weapon on his back, doing a once over of the place. “You should lead your wyvern to that barn, so it at least has cover from the elements. I’ll see if I can get a fire started in here.” You looked to him, and though he was frowning, left to do as you asked. You weren’t sure if he had much care in his heart for that wyvern, but at least he seemed to take care of it. More like a weapon than a companion, though.

It was hard for your eyes to adjust from the blinding white of snow to the darkness of the cabin you found yourself in. You stuck close to the wall, moving to the far end where a single, small window illuminated a fireplace. The place was a little messy, as you had said someone left in a hurry and left many things behind. When you could finally see better, you searched around for anything that might help you start this fire. Coals were in there, and it fact it was already made with tinder and smaller logs as if someone were planning on using it soon. Was there flint around here, or two rocks you could strike together? Hell, if you could find a fire tome you could make that work. You had very little practice with a tome (all in an effort to grow more useful to the Order of Heroes, though your practice mostly was “reading the same tome five times over to understand it”). With luck, you found some flint and a small steel dagger to strike it against. Crouching down, you neared the tinder pile, and struck the dagger, once, twice, it was only by the third time did you get a spark large enough to catch one of the dried leaves. You quickly backed your hands off and stood, dusting yourself off as you did so. Lucky for you, the flame took to the tinder and slowly the pieces of wood were catching flame as well. Soon, the cold and the dark would leave this cabin and you could think more clearly.

Valter chose that time to come back in then, closing and locking the door behind him. You were quiet, choosing instead to tidy up the place as the light slowly began to grow from behind you. The air was tense, but perhaps only for you. You knew Valter would be fine with just the two of you for an indefinite amount of time, but would you? How long would the storm outside rage, and your allies wonder what happened to you? You didn’t want to know how long. Surely after they retreated, there would be search parties.

“You’ve been staring for a few minutes now, Summoner. Are you sure you’re all there?” You blinked, clearing your foggy vision and focusing once more on Valter. You studied him a moment more,  seeing as he sat on a small couch near to the fire, and shook your head.

“Just lost in my thoughts is all.” now that it was getting warmer, you realized just how soaked you and your cloak were. Your cloak and boots at least could dry next to the fire thank, but you had nothing else to change into here. You sighed now, unsure what to do or really how to conduct yourself. Near the fire, on the side opposing where the couch sat were what looked to be cupboards. They were thrown open and some of the contents spilling to the counter below. By the light of the fire, you could tell it was… some sort of food. Some of it had been taken when the occupants fled, but you could see mason jars with preserves in there, both fruit and vegetables, dried meats left behind, and a barrel in the furthest corner half filled with water. Though, you supposed, if you really needed water you only need collect some snow and let it melt before the fire.

“It looks like whoever was here before us left enough preserves for us to stay here the next few days, though I don’t think its enough to last us a week. Hopefully, this storm will pass soon and we can meet up with our main force.” You really didn’t feel like eating, or drinking, or anything really. A sigh left you. Valter turned and peaked through the curtains behind him.

“The storm won’t be letting up any time soon, Summoner. Rest if you need to.” You frowned but moved to the bed near to the food storage. You pushed it back against the wall, only for extra blankets to appear folded where it once covered. You wanted them for yourself but… You very well didn’t want Valter to have an excuse to share this bed with you. So, you moved over to the opposite side of the couch, and placed it there. “… Make sure you get some rest as well, okay? It’s unlikely our enemy will find us here if they dare to brave that storm at all.” He nodded, acknowledging your words but still looking out at the storm. You were feeling fatigued anyway, so perhaps sleeping earlier would be best for you.

So you moved back to the bed, shaking out the blanket and wiping off the sheets just in case. You took one glace at Valter, then back to the bed. You would get under the covers, and then take off your wet clothing. It could dry overnight on the bed frame, and if you were lucky you would awaken before Valter and be able to put them, and your cloak, back on. When you were finished awkwardly wiggling out of your clothing (you were sure he noticed though he hadn’t turned your way once while you did so), you realized you could hardly keep your eyes open. Though still wary of Valter, you cuddled up into the blanket and allowed yourself to drift off. Hoping that soon, the storm would be over or clear enough that you could attempt to move through it.

Valter waited and watched. When your breathing slowed, and your eyes finally closed, he still waited and watched. It could have been an hour or more, it was hard to tell the time now, but he was sure it had been about half an hour since you laid down, surely you were sleeping. So he rose, and took your damp clothing closer to the fire to dry first of all, and added more wood to the fire next. Then he moved to where you claimed the food was and put it away properly. There was a turned over table near the bed, one he was sure you weren’t strong enough to have righted yourself, so he went ahead and fixed that as well. Through it all, he was telling himself that he may as well fix things if he were forced to be here for the next few days, but a small part of him he refused to let have voice knew you would appreciate the sentiment. He straightened a few more things before looking out the window again. Your position was likely safe but it never hurt to be cautious. When he had seemingly done all he could, Valter decided he may as well get some semblance of rest for the next. It would be a light rest though, and he would be sure to awaken at a sign of trouble.

~*~

You woke surprisingly well rested and warm, you could almost forget where you were. But these blankets were a little scratchy against your bare skin–

Your eyes shot open and you surveyed your surroundings. The first thing you noticed, your clothing was not hanging off the footboard of the bed where you left it, but instead neatly folded by your feet. And something smelt… really good, actually. Like warm food. Glancing over at the fire, you could see Valter awake before it, crouching down to stir whatever it was he had in a small cooking cauldron. You wondered, a moment if he actually knew how to cook…

But that could be pondered later, for now, you needed to dress again. And go reclaim your surely warm cloak that still hung by the fire. But how to dress without alerting Valter. You were sure if he knew you were awake he would take the utmost delight and watching you squirm under his gaze, struggling to put your clothing on as quick as possible… You shook your head and sighed. That sill didn’t explain how your clothing ended up folded at the end of the bed. You didn’t remember doing that, and the only other person who could have….

Your gaze shifted to Valter, who has just turned your direction was a passive look, only to crack a little smirk at seeing your eyes open. “Finally up?” You were wary at the tone of his voice, the slight teasing tone it took. “You can thank me later for drying your clothing.” He turned away from you and back to the food. “If you plan to leave that bed at all, put your clothing on quickly. The storm isn’t getting any better.” You sat up in the bed, making sure the blanket still covered your torso as you reached for your shirt. If Valter had any intention of watching he didn’t show it now, apparently too focused on the food before him. Shirt safely on, you reached for your pants now in hopes of shrugging those on as well. You didn’t want to start at him while you changed but you wanted to be sure he didn’t try and sneak a lot.

“With the way your gaze is fixed on me, you would think I was the one changing.” He turned your way just as you got your pants up to your hips and in place, and you sent him a frown but ultimately sighed.

“Thanks for drying my clothing, I suppose…” You looked away from him now, grabbing your socks so padding across the floor to your boots wouldn’t be total hell. “I don’t know why you’re doing this, and even if you see it as a personal gain for some twisted reason, you’re still helping me.” he was frowning at you now, gaze fixed into a look that was a mixture amusement and anger.

“You’re no good to me dead.” he huffed turning his back to you. You had only just noticed he wasn’t in his usual armor, just the casual clothing that sat under it. You kinda liked getting under his skin like this, though, maybe you should continue.

“Sure, sure.” you couldn’t help but laugh a little, standing on the cold floor to move to your boots and cloak. “It’s just interesting to see…” You hesitated to use the word in reference to Valter, but… “well, nice.” You stifled a laugh, seeing him freeze a moment in his tracts.

“Something funny Summoner?” he turned to you, arching a brow. By now you had everything on safely and were feeling toasty and warm.

“Oh nothing it’s just… interesting to see how you act now that we’re alone.” You hummed. He strode over and stood over you.

“Don’t forget our relationship– you are my prey, and I will break you.” This time when it came from his lips, it didn’t sound very convincing.

“And I suppose you hope to do that by being helpful?” You gave him a big smile, one he never thought you would ever direct at him. Damn the way it made his heart pound.

“What fun is there in breaking an already wounded animal?” He leaned down to your level, dangerously close to your face.

“We’ll see just what kind of ‘breaking’ you can do during our time here, Valter.” You were the first to step away, and he let you, watching as you moved back to the other side of the cabin. You weren’t sure what spurred that interaction them. You were certain Valter was a cruel and unusual man, though you wondered, why was it you that caused him to deviate from his norm? There was no placing it, you supposed, but perhaps if your entire stay went this smoothly things would be okay.

[quackspot]

Lemon x character of ur choice fan fiction please *leaves tip of cookie run diamonds*

firelemon firelemon firelemo nfire le

thank u for the cookei run diamonds i shall have enough to get whatever new cookie (milk) comes and his pet and whatever new treasure comes (this happesns a lot becuase i dont level up my cookies,)

it seems a bit long but its not the longest thing ive written, cough cough nudge nudge at 41 page google doc umg

actually it is kidna long for things i write but thats becuase i like firelemon Quite a Lot, minecraft,

Minecraft. Lemon was going to play Minecraft, right? He was. Instead of doing that, he was texting with some other cookies in a group chat on Cacophony, a gaming-friendly voice & text app. He was on the 🍊🍋Citrus Buds group chat.

“⚡welcome to the block parade:

 whats up

🍊sister sweet!: 

nothin much!

🏐sister sour!:

 absolutely Nothing you feral cow

🍊sister sweet!: 

LIME say sorry

⚡welcome to the block parade: 

i was just going to play minecraft and you had to do this

that’s so mean”

He sighed, going on “Don’t bother” mode and starting up Minecraft. As usual, his closest friend, Fire Spirit, was already on. He was building dicks on the server, which was luckily only made for adult players and advertised on CornCob: the porn video website. 

“hey,” he began to type. “whos been building dicks?”

“DJSLJKFLSJKFLJSKLJKLSFJKLDSKLAaOIWRUIODSxmFKF” Fire Spirit keysmashed, probably slightly burning his computer while doing so.

“why are your keysmashes so long”

“shut up im biulding dicks”

“*building” Fire Spirit corrected himself. His username on Minecraft was HottestManAlive and Lemon’s was SourMan (what even is a man? That’s a mystery).

“anyways, lime bullied me and--” a ding came from Lemon’s computer. He got pinged on Cacophony.

“🍊sister sweet!:

@⚡welcome to the block parade lime said sorry”

“Ugh.” He sighed, going back to playing Minecraft.

Fire Spirit was busy, shown by the fact that Lemon was completely surrounded in dirt. He tried to dig himself out, but it felt like every time he dug, there was another block in the way. Soon, he was in a strip-mine in Fire Spirit’s extremely large dirt block.

He finally got out. Even though everyone was on creative, it took so long to punch all those blocks.

“hey lem whats up”

“fire spirit whatd you do” 

“build”

“OK.” Lemon flew away from Fire Spirit, who followed him.

“wait lem i wanna ask you something”

“what”

“wanna go on a date” Lemon’s heart pounded.

“haha thats funny hahahahahahahahahahahaha”

“im being serious lem lets go on a date in REAL LIFE” 

Lemon was sweating. His hands were uncomfortably moist, as were his armpits. He was almost certain his shirt had sweat stains, but when he checked, they didn’t.

“uh

to where”

“i dunno i could visit ur house bc i live in a cave irl”

“wait what i thought u lived in a house” The yellow-haired sour man stared at his screen, taking in every word and ignoring the fact Fire Spirit was building around him again.

“well i mean we could probs meet up at sparklings bar and go on from there

just hang out n stuff”

“that’s cool,” Lemon replied. 

Almost right after replying, Lemon’s door slammed open.

“I THOUGHT YOU DIED!” Orange ran in and hugged him. She looked at his screen. 

“Uh-- Hi, Orange.”

“You got a date? That’s so cool!” She let go of him. “I already asked the time for you!”

“Oh- okay.” 

“I’ll see you on Cacophony later!” She left. 

What the fuck just happened? Lemon sighed, going back to Minecraft to see what was up.

“whyd you type like that you never capitalize anyways it could b any time even right now” 

“im ok with it being rn and orange asked that” Lemon’s fingers were extremely quick, like lightning, one could say.

“ok i’m omw to sparkling’s bar”

“-HottestManAlive has left the game.”

“-SourMan has left the game.”

Lemon put his jacket on, grabbed his cube, and put his phone and his wallet into one of his pockets. Since he had male pants on, the pockets were deep enough to hold a phone AND a wallet. Take that, female clothing!

Fire Spirit stood outside Sparkling’s bar, waiting for Lemon to come. Does he live farther away? Is he walking? Can he fly? Were a few questions he asked himself. Instead of wearing his usual clothing, Fire Spirit put on something more casual-- a red tank top and some shorts. He wasn’t wearing any shoes, not that he’d need them, as he was always hovering a little bit above the ground and wouldn’t be hurt by it anyways. Plus, he doesn’t have any shoes. Or socks.

“Fire Spirit!” His attention was caught by a shorter, yellow-haired cookie. “Welcome, are you coming in?” It was Sparkling cookie.

“No, I’m waiting for Lemon Cookie.” He sighed. 

“Oh! He’s in here. He was waiting for you.”

“That’s lit!” Fire Spirit walked in as Sparkling was dying inside.

“Oh, hi, Fire Spirit.” Lemon’s voice was much quieter than Fire Spirit expected-- and not as deep. It was okay though, as he loved it. Adored it.

“Uh- hi-” Fire Spirit was taking in the view in front of him. He knew Lemon’s Minecraft skin was made by him, but not of him. His heart pounded at the rounder, more handsome version of Lemon.

“That’s weird,” Vampire started, causing both Lemon and Fire Spirit to jump a little, “you never say ‘uh,’ what’s up, Fire?” 

Fire Spirit took Vampire to the side. Lemon stared.

I could check Cacophony, I guess. He turned his phone on and began to read through messages. It was being painfully obvious that Orange thought he died because of the lack of reply. Oh. She told everyone about this. His face was heating up-- who knows what Lime will make fun of him for? 

Fire Spirit sat down next to Lemon in a booth, away from Vampire. 

“Anyways, how are you? I’m doing great.” The flame-haired cookie smiled at Lemon. Vampire Cookie gave Lemon two thumbs up.

“Me too, especially now.”

They chatted-- mostly about Minecraft, but sometimes going on topics of music (Fire Spirit had a surprisingly limited amount of music he listened to, as he only listened to VHS recordings on a boombox) and what was happening outside of Minecraft, like when Orange barged into his room.

“Excuse me, you two, it’s almost time to close,” Sparkling helped Fire Spirit up.

“Pshh, the bar never closes! It shouldn,” Fire Spirit commented.

“Are you helping Fire Spirit back home?” The green-eyed cookie asked Lemon.

“I could take him to my house, I guess.”

“Just be careful, if he gets too angry, his hair can actually burn stuff. Otherwise, you should be fine. It’s surprisingly painless to put your hands in his hair, and it tickles him.”

“How do you know all that?”

“He comes around often, one time daring me and Vampire to put our hands in our hair. Vampire went first.”

“Oh.” Lemon imagined petting Fire Spirit’s hair, his heart beginning to flutter quite a lot more than it already was. “Come on, Fire Spirit, let’s go.”

He made the somewhat long walk to his house. It didn’t feel that long due to Fire Spirit’s slurred compliments and flirts. Lemon sat Fire Spirit down on his couch and sat next to him.

“Wha’s gonna happen now, Lem~,” Fire Spirit joked. 

“I dunno, maybe we can watch a movie.” Lemon yawned.

“Nah, we can, we can sleep!” He suggested. “Or maybe jus’ you. I can go home myself, and then, tomorrow we can do this again.”

“We can both sleep. I’ll be in my room--”

“You’re gonna make me sleep on the couch?? I wanna cuddle you, Lem!” He quickly leaned towards and hugged Lemon. 

Lemon flinched at the contact, but calmed down. He turned on the TV and began to pet Fire Spirit’s hair, making the flame-haired cookie begin to laugh.

“Oh no! My one weakness!” The legendary managed to say within his laughter.

“Oh-- I’ll stop.” Lemon never liked being tickled and could only imagine whatever pain Fire Spirit was going through.

“You don’t haaaaaaaaaaaaaave too! I love it!”

“You need to sleep.”

“Fine, fine.” Fire Spirit sighed.

Lemon channel surfed until he found something that played a marathon of How It’s Created. The two watched it until, eventually, they fell asleep. Fire Spirit was asleep first, as he kept talking to Lemon during the show and waking him up, then apologizing and forgetting a few minutes later.

[petersasteria]

Life - Brad Simpson AU (Part 4)

Requested by: @iconicnins

Here’s: Part 1 // Part 2 // Part 3

Slight mention of Harry Styles and Liam Payne on this part.

You barged in Henry and Sarah's room with the ham behind your back. All three kids were there, and it's perfect. Henry and Audrey were binge watching YouTube videos of ThatcherJoe (Joe Sugg) whilst Sarah was on her bed.

"Do we have mustard?" you asked cheerfully.

"I don't know. Why?" Henry asked, smiling with Audrey.

"We've got ham!" you cheered and showed them the ham.

Audrey and Henry smiled, but looked at you weirdly.

"I sold a car!" you grinned. Henry and Audrey gasped and congratulated you.

You hugged Henry and Audrey, when you noticed Sarah feeling blue. You let go of the two kids, and sat on Sarah's bed. Henry and Audrey sat back down in front of the computer watching YouTube videos. (a/n: *insert fave YouTuber*)

"What's up?" you asked softly.

"Hippo's mommy and daddy are still on vacation." Sarah replied.

You looked at Henry and Audrey. Once they saw the look on your face, they understood.

"We're gonna go slice the ham." Audrey said as she got the ham and went out of the room followed by Henry. You looked back at Sarah and said, "They've been gone a long time."

"That's because they went really far away." Sarah said sadly.

"Where did they go?" you asked her even though you already knew. She didn't answer. She fumbled with Hippo's ribbon around its neck. "Honey, where did they go?" you asked again.

"Heaven." she answered simply.

"That's right, sweetie." you smiled sadly at her.

"And now, there's no one to give him a birthday party." Sarah said looking at you.

"When's Hippo's birthday?" you asked.

"Today." Sarah said.

"Today?! Why didn't you tell me? I'll cook the ham some other time. Let's go out to celebrate." you smiled at her.

Goodbye delicious ham. Looks like you'll be in the fridge.

You're now sat in a restaurant with the three kids and Hippo, of course.

"Say 'Hippo'!" the waiter said as he took your picture.

"Hippo!" you all said. You gotta admit it was cringe worthy,  but it was for Sarah anyway.

The waiter, Connor, was a really good friend of yours so he was able to get you  guys a decent table even though you weren't able to get a reservation first.

"Thank you so much for doing this, Con. Especially on short notice." you thanked him. Bless Connor Ball's heart. Bless him.

"It's no problem. I'd do anything for you, Y/N! We're best friends!" Connor smiled at you. "You seem to be hanging out with a new crowd." he added as he looked at the kids.

"Oh, yeah. Today's a very special day. You see, it's Hippo's b-" you weren't able to finish your sentence, because Connor interrupted you.

"I'm really sorry to interrupt you, Y/N. But I have to go now. The VIPs are here. I'm really sorry." Connor said sadly. You knew you weren't going to be angry at him for too long. How could you possibly get angry at him for too long when he looks like a lost puppy?

"It's totally fine. It's your job anyway." you smiled at him.

"Thank you! Excuse me." Connor left your side and entertained the VIPs.

All four of you watched him entertain the VIPs and sent them all a fake smile. Connor hated stuck up people. He shook hands with the three VIPs and greeted them.

"Hey Con!" one girl said from the group. She was holding hands with your ex; Harry Styles.

"Hi." Connor replied quickly so he can get over it.

"Harry just got the Burberry campaign." another girl said.

Wow. Harry seemed to be doing fine. I mean, he has two hoes around him, but he seems happy.

"Congratulations." Connor said with no energy whatsoever. He led them to their table and left immediately whilst another waiter handed them the menus.

All four of you just looked away.

"Can I get you guys anything for dessert?" the waiter, Liam, asked. He's also your friend. When you were still working at Monique's modeling agency, you and your colleagues go to this restaurant all the time that's why you knew Liam. On the other hand, you and Connor were childhood best friends. He needed a job, and you got him the job he has now. He's doing pretty well and he's now the head waiter.

"Oh! Can I have another cappuccino please?" Audrey asked politely.

You looked at Audrey with a smile and looked at Liam, "Make that decaf and I'll have the same thing, but not decaf." Liam nodded and waited if Henry and Sarah are going to add something. When they didn't say anything, he turned to leave.

"Um, Liam? Liam!" you stood up from your seat and called for Liam. "Excuse me, Liam." you added as he turned around.

"Hi. Do you think you could sing happy birthday?" you asked.

"Who's the birthday kid?" Liam asked with a smile. He's obviously in for the idea of singing. This means he can use his skill/talent: singing and beatboxing.

"Actually it's Hippo's birthday." you bit your lip nervously hoping he would agree.

Liam's expression made you think he's having second thoughts or he's not going to do it.

"You want me to sing to a hippo?" Liam asked with a facial expression you can't read.

(a/n: kinda like this so u have visuals and I know it’s Troye Sivan don’t fight me)

"Yeah." you shrugged.

"I'll take care of it." Liam smiles and left. You thanked him and sat back down.

Just as you sat down, Connor and a different waiter went up to your table. The waiter had a tray of 4 drinks you DIDN'T order.

"Another round of Double Cherry Shirley Temples!" Connor said with a lot of energy. He  only has the energy around you. Connor put down the drinks on your table.

"Oh no." you were shocked. Connor ignored your protests and said, "And this is for you, Y/N." He put down the drink in front of you.

"Compliments to the gentleman right over there." Connor smiled and looked at the gentleman he was referring to before he left.

You followed his gaze and saw Harry raising his glass to you and nodded his head at you as if saying cheers. You mouthed a 'thank you' to him and did the same thing.

A minute later, Liam came back with a slice of cake (with a candle on it of course) and said, "Okay! This one's for Hippo!" he put the cake in front of Sarah and started getting everyone's attention. He beatboxed 'happy birthday' and it was amazing! Everyone in the restaurant clapped and cheered.

* * * *

A few days later, Nilma offered to take the kids out on a trip. Of course you said yes. You ran outside the apartment building and caught up to Nilma.

"Wait! Nilma! Wait! I forgot the money for their lunch!" you said as you ran to her.

"There's no need for that, Y/N. I already packed lunch." Nilma smiled at you.

"Well, if they want to buy a book or anything-"

"Y/N, it's okay. I've got it covered. You're a free woman! Go and have some fun! I'll text you when we get back." Nilma said. You smiled at her and gave her a hug.

Now, you didn't know where to go. You instantly thought of a place and decided to walk there.

* * * *

You felt so stupid. Why were you even here? You walked up the stairs and saw Brad's office door open. His back was facing you, so he didn't see you yet. This was your chance to leave. As you turned to leave, Brad turned around and saw you. "Y/N?" Brad said.

At this moment you turned around so fast you didn't see the last step. You basically Jennifer Lawrence'd up the stairs.

(a/n: kinda like this except you tripped on the last step going up)

"Are you okay?!" Brad asked worriedly.

You immediately stood up and brushed your clothes and said, "Yeah I'm fine."

"What brings you here?" Brad asked as he turned around and went back to what he was doing. He was fixing his bag and putting some stuff into it.

"Nothing. Are you free?" you asked with confidence.

"What?" Brad turned around so fast and was really shocked. He didn't expect you to ask him if he was free, let alone come to see him. His face was priceless.

"Are you free?" you repeated.

"No. Actually, I'm not. I've got a lunch date." Brad said as he turned around again and zipped his bag closed.

"Oh." your face falls in disappointment.

"You can come with me, though." Brad said as he walked towards you and closed his office door.

Next thing you knew, you were sitting on the bleachers in Brad's hockey game. Who knew pastors could have a game of hockey? Of course they can, but you didn't expect them to have teams. It's just like a normal hockey game. The only difference is that the players are pastors. In the end, Brad's team won the game. It was really fun.

-time skip after lunch bc I'm lazy is brought to you by Connor Ball's birthday-

You reached your apartment with Brad following behind you. "And that's why I hate prom." you told Brad as he chuckled and shake his head.

You leaned against the wall and faced Brad. "Thank you for today, Brad. I really had fun." you said to him.

He leaned in to kiss you, but you looked away. "I'm sorry. It's a little weird don't you think?" you told him.

"Why? Is it because I'm a pastor?" Brad asked, slightly hurt.

You hated hurting other people's feelings, but you can't lie to their faces either. You couldn't say anything, so you just nodded slightly.

"You don't think I'm sexy, because I'm not a party kind of guy?" Brad chuckled. You know that chuckle we all do when we're really hurt? Yeah, that kind of chuckle.

"It's not like that." you said with a sad smile as Brad looked directly into your Y/E/C eyes.

"Let me tell you something, Y/N. Whether you agree or not, I'm sexy. God made me this way. I'm a sexy man of God, and I know it." Brad said as he carried his bag and turned to leave. He pressed the 'down' button of the elevator and waited.

"Wait a minute." you said. Screw it. He's really nice and he won't cheat on you. He's every girl's ideal man. He turned around to face you probably asking himself what you could possibly need now.

"That was kinda sexy." you told him. He threw his bag on the floor and walked towards you. You immediately pulled him in and kissed each other passionately.

Suddenly the door opened, revealing Henry and Audrey. You immediately pulled away and blushed.

"Uh, Nilma? Have you met the principal of our school?" Audrey asked Nilma as she stood next to her carrying Sarah.

"Hi." Bradley said sheepishly.

"Hi." Nilma said holding back a smirk on her face.

Brad looked at you and awkwardly said, "Uh, I gotta go. Thank you for today! Bye."

"Mhm. Thank you. Bye." you said as he picked up his bag and pressed the elevator button again.

You went inside your apartment (which is apartment 1D *wink wink*) and closed the door.

"So, uh, I guess you're all getting A's." you joked.

"Yeah!" Henry and Audrey cheered jokingly.

Nilma and Sarah just laughed at the two.

Lmao reblog if you liked it

[surveystodestressme]

72.

5000 Question Survey Pt. 18

1701. How will tomorrow be like today? i don’t know yet 1702. How would you react if a stranger pinched your bottom? i’d probably smack them 1703. When was the last time you went on a date? ummm, jack and i don’t really go on dates anymore.  or at least, we don’t call them dates. 1704. Have you ever ridden a horse? yes. 1706. What is almost over? i don’t know

1707. What should you be doing that you are putting off? calling my college to set up orientation 1708. How much would you have to change physically before you would no longer be yourself anymore? a lot 1709. How much would you have to change mentally before you would no longer be yourself anymore? ^ 1710. Would you rather be famous or notorious? neither honestly 1711. Would you rather have a necklace that’s dripping with diamonds or a blueberry farm? blueberry farm 1712. Could you take first place in a beauty contest? probably not 1713. Who is the biggest hypocrite you know and why? i know a lot of them 1714. Would you consider yourself to be more opinionated or bitchy? opinionated. 1715. How long is it until your next day off? it’s my day off right now 1716. What sound is annoying you right now? nothing at the moment 1717. Imagine you’re taking a vacation with 4 people. Who are they? jack, wyatt, jake,and rebecca 1718. The five of you travel by plane. Suddenly your plane crashes down over snowy mountains. The pilot and the air crew and all the other passengers die. The only way for you to survive is for one of you to get eaten by the others. Who will it be? lol idk honestly maybe wyatt, he’s got the most meat 1719. Anorexia and obesity are two life threatening eating related disorders. Why is it that when it is discovered that someone is an anorexic they are rushed to the hospital, but when someone is obese they are not rushed to the hospital? that’s a good question 1720. Who is your favorite smurf? never watched that 1721. Why do you do things that you know are bad for you? i don’t know 1722. How important is testing to education? i feel like people think it’s really important but intelligence (in my opinion) is not based on how well you can take tests.  1723. What food group do you eat the most of (bread and pasta, meats and eggs and fish, fruits and vegetables, milk and cheese, sugar and butter)? probably meat 1724. Who is the most adorable person you know? some girl i know has a little baby and she’s really chunky and cute 1725. If you had to spend a half hour locked in a dark closet with someone from school or work that you don’t normally hang out with who would you want it to be? uhhh... i don’t know? maybe one of the theater people because they’re all funny and wouldn’t make me feel awkward about the situation lol 1726. How often do you masturbate in a week? recently at least once or twice a week 1727. In the USA people work a full third of the year for the government, due to taxes. How do you feel about this? it sucks 1728. Should people be allowed to use cell phones in their cars? absolutely not.  some people can’t even drive without their phones as a distraction 1729. Have you ever been in the room while a human baby was born? nope. 1730. Have you ever been in the room while an animal baby was born? no. 1731. Did you see the video The Miracle of Life in school? no. 1732. How do you feel about having a baby? don’t want any children 1733. Have you ever had a tooth pulled? no 1734. Who are you waiting for an email/call/note/visit from? my boyfriend. 1735. What are you counting the days until? until i can move out and have my own place with jack 1736. What is the greatest temptation for you? my boyfriend? lol idk 1737. How do you resist it? i don’t

1738. Who is your knight in shining armor? jack ig lol. 1739. If you were walking and someone behind you yelled “HEY YOU!” would you turn around? probably 1740. Do loud noises make you tense? sometimes 1741. Has anyone ever told you that your epidermis was showing? not in those terms lol 1742. Would you rather work or stay home with the baby? work bc i wont have a baby anyways 1743. Would you rather have people agree with you all the time or tell you the honest truth? tell me the honest truth. 1744. Will you/have you gone to your high school reunion? i probably wont bc i wont even be living in the same state hopefully 1745. What do you think of your yearbook picture? it’s ok i guess 1746. Are you more of a hunter or a gatherer? gatherer. 1747. If you ever were to visit Hershey Park, the theme park based on the chocolate candy, would you enjoy going to the spa where you can be treated to a whipped cocoa bath, a milk and honey bath, or simply a chocolate fondue skin wrap? none 1748. If someone asks you to read a poem they wrote, will you really take your time to try and understand what they wrote and tell them what you think or just read it quickly and tell them that its really good? i’m not too good at interpreting poetry, but i’ll try my best 1749. Do you feel that if a coincidence occurs it means something? maybe 1750. Were you beautiful as a child? not really lol 1751. Do you think that it is okay for a homosexual or a woman to become a priest? yeah???? i don’t think it matters either way 1752. Which would you rather give up forever, religion or sex? religion. 1753. What comes to mind when you think of these places: Canada? maple syrup UK? british people USA? bald eagle Australia? kangaroos and giant crabs Germany? hot german women Italy? spaghetti 1754. What does your favorite bumper sticker say? i don’t have any 1755. Have you ever taken a shower with another person? yes. 1756. What bath toys do you have, if any? none lol 1757. Would you rather propose to someone you love or would you rather be proposed to by someone you love? i’d rather be proposed to bc i feel like i’d make it awkward or i’d do it wrong 1758. How can you reject someone nicely? idk 1759. What kinds of diary names make you interested enough to check out the diary? - 1760. What do you think are three common passwords people use to secure their diaries? birthdays, names, or a bunch of random numbers 1761. Pick an object in the room. Give that object a name. lamp - lampy 1762. What is the quickest way to make you blush? compliment me 1763. Do you usually feel that you deserve it when other people compliment you? yeah, ig 1764. If you were to start your own business what kind of business do you think it might be? video games idk 1765. What is one of your pet peeves? bad drivers 1766. What question do you get asked too frequently? do you still talk to the last person you kissed? 1767. You notice a ring is priced $40.00, but the cashier only charges you $10.00. Do you mention this to the cashier? probably not 1768. Could a kiss on the ___ be considered cheating? Cheek? Lips? Nose? Hand? Ear? Neck? if it’s not a family member, then yes.  if my significant other kisses another person ANYWHERE and i find out about it, unless it’s the hand, maybe, i’m not going to be too happy about it and i would expect the same response from him if i did that 1769. Would it bother you if your lover occasionally flirted with others? yeah 1770. How long has it been since you last played truth or dare? it’s been a while 1771. Should people who are living now be obligated to do things that will make the world better for people who will live 100 years from now? not obligated, no 1772. Imagine you have a dream in which someone you care for acts mean to you. Is it possible you will still be angry with this person when you wake up? it’s happened before but no i shouldn’t be bc it’s in my own head not something they actually did 1773. Have you ever left someone a note with a picture in it? If yes, how do you do it? idk 1774. What do you fear more, death or pain? death 1775. Are the questions still interesting this far into the survey? somewhat. 1776. Do you like the cartoon Inspector Gadget? its ok 1777. You know how Gadget wears the same outfit all the time, and his closet is full of outfits that are exactly identical to the one he wears? If your closet was full of just one outfit that you had to wear everyday what would it be like? idk i dont think i could wear just one thing all the time 1778. Would you rather time travel to the future or the past? future. 1779. Would you rather know how the world began or how it will end? how it will end.   1780. Would you rather meet your ancient ancestors or your great great great great great great grandchildren? ancient ancestors bc i know i wont have grandchildren of any kind 1781. Out of these 4 which is most important (1=most, 2= second most, 3 = 3rd most, 4 = least)? Curing diseases such as aids, cancer: 4 Preserving wildlife areas: 1 Ending terrorism: 3 Building colonies in space: 2 1782. In your opinion should every child be entitled to a good education? yeah 1783. What news item are you tired of hearing about? fucking politics. 1784. Speaking of 9/11 the anniversary is coming up. What will you be doing? it’s already passed. 1785. If this were a recipe for you, how would it go? 2 cups: 1 cup: ½ cup: A pinch of: A dash of: Mix well and bake until: Add: Serve: idk man 1786. Which of the following would YOU be more likely to survive: A fall from a 3 story building Driving a car into the water neither lol, i can’t swim very well and i know i wouldn’t survive that fall 1787. What philosophy was manifested in the communist manifesto? idk. 1788. Who is your exact opposite? jack is pretty different from me 1789. Would you rather have serenity or insanity? serenity. 1790. What do these phrases mean? Moulin Rogue: Le voyage sur le bateau: Voulez-vous coucher avec moi, ce soir: i have no idea 1791. What is the longest distance you have ever walked? oh i have no idea man 1792. The ancient Greek philosopher Plato believes that beauty truth and justice all basically mean the same thing. What are your feelings about this? ehhhh 1793. How did you first begin to assert yourself as independent from your parents? no more asking their permission for things, having my own car, and eventually moving out 1794. If you had a magic bracelet, would you use it to gain luck, money, health, creativity or love? money. 1795. What would you do if every time you used your magic bracelet something bad would happen to someone else? i wouldn’t use it probably 1796. This is a story about a girl. While at the funeral of her own mother, she met a guy whom she did not know. She thought this guy was amazing, so much her dream guy she believed him to be that she fell in love with him then and there, although she didn’t even see him after the funeral ended. A few days later, the girl killed her own sister. What is her motive for killing her sister? she's crazy???? 1797. Have you ever intentionally hurt someone’s feelings? i dont think so 1798. What do you think of Franz Ferdinand? don’t know much about him. 1799. What do you think of the band Modest Mouse? never heard of them 1800. What do you think of Morrissey? ^

[knife-dad]

Rules: Answer all questions, add one question of your own and tag as many people as there are questions.

I was tagged by @elven-flower <3

Coke or Pepsi: Mexican Coke. Give me that real sugar  Disney or Dreamworks: Disney mostly, but i really like the How To Train Your Dragon movies too Coffee or Tea: I’m more of a tea person, coffee only makes me jittery  Books or Movies: both. Give me every story telling format known to mankind Windows or Mac: windows?? I’ve never even used a mac DC or Marvel: DC tv shows, Marvel movies. Cartoons from both. XBOX or Playstation: XBox mostly, but also Nintendo a lil bit. The GameCube was our first real console and I will never forget playing this dumb Shrek 2 game with my siblings and fricking losing it when we beat the final boss for the first time. So fun Dragon Age or Mass Effect: I feel like I’d be more of a Mass Effect fan, but I love both Sci-Fi and Fantasy, so I could probably get into Dragon Age too Night Owl or Early Riser: night owl for sure Cards or Chess: cards Chocolate or Vanilla: CHOCOLATE Vans or Converse: Converse. So uncomfortable and yet so aesthetic Lavellan, Trevelyan, Cadash or Adaar: hmmm. I don’t know who these people are but based on their names I assume they must be fantasy characters, which means I would probably love all of them, especially if they are some sort of friend group/team. Fluff or Angst: depends on my mood actually- I don’t read that much fanfic in general though Beach or Forests: forest, mountain, desert, literally anything but beach Dogs or Cats: DOGS Clear skies or Rain: clear skies are better for my mood but i love a good rainy day  Cooking or Eating out: eating out but only occasionally as a treat  Spicy food or Mild food: I love spicy food, but in moderation. Too much spice cancels out all other flavors, which is not fun Halloween/Samhain or Solstice/Yule/Christmas: Thanksgiving. Would you rather be a little too cold or a little too hot?: a little too cold. I can get a blanket and be just fine... there’s not much you can do with heat, especially not on a budget If you could have a superpower, what would it be: I wanna be rich like Batman. Animation or Live action: right now i tend to favor cartoons and anime, but I like both actually Paragon or Renegade: what is this? the names sound fun Baths or Showers: showers, i’m too poor for a bathtub  Team Cap or Team Iron Man: Team Let’s Stop Fighting And Be Friends Fantasy or Sci-Fi: YES TO ALL. I love stories in all forms regardless of genre. Do you have 3 or 4 favourite quotes: not really? idk.  YouTube or Netflix: both Harry Potter or Percy Jackson: I have nothing against Harry Potter but Rick Riordan is a better writer than Rowling. Fight me. When do you feel accomplished: when I think about how I’m only 22 and I’ve written three books Star Wars or Star Trek: Both please. Paperback books or Hardback books: all books in ever form including electronic Handwriting or Type: hand writing is pretty but type writing is easier. Velvet or Satin: velvet. I love the whole velvet trend :) Video games or Movies: Video games as movies. I don’t mean movies based on video games I mean machinima like Red v. Blue or whatever Car Boys is. (it’s not exactly machinima but it’s somewhere in that category right? idk) games are a really cool way to tell stories and I want more of this in my life Would you rather be the dragon or own the dragon: i wanna be friends with the dragon HTTYD style. I like being human but I don’t want a dragon pet just a chill dragon friend who is his own person and does his own thing with/without me Learning Chinese or Learning Spanish: I already know spanish so chinese I guess? i think my brain might be a little too old for that :/ Would you rather be able to speak every language or be able to speak to animals: speak every language. I’mma watch anime without subtitles! Be front row for your favourite artists and not meet them, or meet them but have lawn seats : I’m not even sure I could handle being front row... I mean... you know that one episode of Community where Troy loses it bc of Levar Burton? that’s me. City or Countryside: City by day, country by night. I want to be able to see the stars but also still hang out at the mall every once in a while. Would you rather be a mutant, jedi or wizard: wizard? The Jedi are real sticks-in-the-mud and there’s too much stigma against mutants in the X-Men universe. I just wanna have a little fun, maybe dispel flying monsters with beams of magical light. That sort of thing. Fried pickles or Mozzarella Sticks: mozzarella sticks! who even eats fried pickles? *shudders* Vampires or Werewolves: Monster hunter. Or maybe X-Files type paranormal investigator? I’m Team Human is what I’m saying Pizza or Pasta: Pizza! Pasta! Both! Watching a movie at a cinema with the excitement of its night premiere or wait a few days and watch it later more relaxed: a few days later, because I like relaxing with friends and not being stressed about ticket availability What is your favourite band or singer?: NEEDTOBREATHE, Owl City, Relient K, Twenty One Pilots, Imagine Dragons. What is your favorite fruit?: Pineapple. Fuzzy socks or slippers?: fuzzy socks with slippers. Dusk or Dawn?: Dusk. If I’m up at dawn I’m just an angry ball of tiredness and frustration Would you rather Travel Through Time or Travel Through Alternate Universes?: I’d really rather just respect the laws of physics and stay home. What’s the first book you remember reading? Oh The Places You’ll Go by Dr. Seuss. I was probably like 4? I started reading young. Deep space, or deep sea? *chants* DEEP SPACE DEEP SPACE DEEP SPACE What’s the best compliment you’ve ever received? some people have said I’m a good listener, which like, how. Have you even met me? I have the attention span of a squirrel Would you rather play a physical sport or a sports video game? physical sport for sure. I know it might be hard to believe but I was actually a pretty sporty kid back in the day... * goes to lean on fence, trips, laughs nervously*

anyway I’m not tagging anyone in particular, unless one of you wants to do this tag, in which case go for it! *double thumbs up*

[u-f-o-no]

it's 1:30am. I'm tired I guess but not tired enough to really sleep. I meant to go eat something a couple hours ago but I haven't felt like it since my dad crumpled up my dinner and threw it off the porch because he was mad at me. I'm really lonely I guess but I also hate everyone right now so I don't know what that means or what to do. I was trying to get over a dislike of someone but then today i got back a peer review by them and all of the comments were the things I hate about myself. I don't feel like living anymore and I don't think there's anything anyone can do about it. I miss Sam. I hope he's doing okay in the hospital or w/e. I wish I could be with him. It'd probably be good for me. Today I was talking to Emily and everyone else in class heard me but her bc she never listens to me and she was probably texting Rachel. I don't know why I'm not good enough for these people?? They're not good enough for me so why the hell am I not good enough for them? I'm so tired and sad. I doubt my depression is a chemical imbalance anymore. I think my life just sucks ass. Which makes me feel ungrateful bc I'm not dying of typhoid fever or malaria or w/e. The comments he put weren't even like bad things you just don't understand what I was thinking you don't fucking know what it's like to be me. I have so many thoughts all the time and you may not have had an original thought in your life. He still gets into better colleges than me. People like him. He's not fucking depressed or dysphoric or a coward. He didn't drop out of ap physics. I should have taken a shower. I don't even know what I did today. I have no clue. I really should go to the hospital but I'm so scared of missing school and not graduating because I know I'm not going to kill myself because I'm scared which will make things worse. I have flashbacks to unsettling surreal dreams all the time now. It knocks me off my feet for a moment but I'm good at not letting it show so no one knows. I don't want to dream anymore. Some of them are cool but mostly they're bad. I downloaded a dream journal app but I've only made one entry because my dreams are so weird and multiplanar that I can't write them or even really describe them. I should have therapy twice a week at least but I feel bad because they're paying so much money. The only way for me to get real honest to God attention for my illness is to make an attempt on my life. I'd love to personally but I hate pain. I have enough of it as it is. I'm so guilty what the fuck. I don't have anything to be guilty about but I am anyway so I'm angry All the Time. No one cares enough to tell me it's not my fault and even if they did would I believe them? I don't even know what It is at this point but it's my fault. That doesn't even make sense why do I feel like this???! because I'm not going to kill myself I feel like I shouldn't be hospitalized and I'm guilty about faking being as bad as Sam or something like that. All my dad ever does is tell me I'm hurting him even though he's hurt me for years. Whenever he asks me what he's done wrong I forget everything like when someone asks you your favorite book and you suddenly forget everything you've ever read. That makes me feel guilty because I can't find anything bad that he's done and so I internalize his words and I have a little voice now that's his voice that screams Your Fault! every second of the day. I want it to stop. I want them to stop yelling at me. When I say this it sounds like I'm some kid who thinks being psychotic is cool and is like "yeah I hear voices" and that makes me feel guilty. idk tho bc I don't like think they're hidden spirits or anything i know they're coming from somewhere inside me but I didn't choose them so? I just want to fucking know what it feels like to be supported. No one person knows both the depth of my mental illness and the lengths of my identity. I allot different tidbits to different friends so that I never have anyone know me fully. I feel so guilty about being trans. Like I'm crazy or losing my mind or that it's just another mental illness I have. But I know it would be worse if I told people because they would think it's a mental illness. My mom would say "gender confused" and I would cry because that's how I felt my whole life until I realized I was this way. My dad would never look at me the same again and pray for me to go back and still tell me he loves me more than all the stars in the sky. And that would really fuck me up because for years all I've been shown is hate in the name of love and it's fundamentally broken me as a functioning human being. I can't stand physical contact because I'm so nervous. I'm so scared I'm going to mess it up and they're going to hate me. The other day my dad moved really quickly and I went into shock because I thought he was going to hit me. He continued like nothing happened but I thought I was going to cry. I was just in the car on the way to church. I rip whole tufts of my hair out now. We're almost at the two year anniversary of me asking to get my hair cut. It took a lot of courage to ask which shows that i really wanted it. I was shut down so quickly and with such contempt I've been scared to share anything about myself ever since. If he wouldn't let me style the dead protein strands on my head the way I want, no way was he going to be accepting of anything in my life besides what he wanted. I hate myself so fully now it's incredible. I used to be the most confident kid in class and now I just radiate self loathing underneath my suave exterior. And by suave like, doesn't have it together but is cool with that. I don't know. I guess I just wish people could see all this about me, but also I don't because I'm already so vulnerable this would make me ashamed and easily exploitable. Shame and guilt are things I should not be feeling and I know it. I'm so angry that the people in my life have driven me to this kind of state. But nevertheless I can't get past it. I'm just a scared kid. In fact, while many are fantasizing about getting old or married or what have you I'm fantasizing about getting to relive my childhood as my "new" or "preferred" or whatever the fuck You want to call it gender. I dream of being adopted by two nice men who love each other and teach me how to love. They are always supportive of me no matter what and comfort me when I need it. What's really fucked up is sometimes this is the only thing that gets me through the day. It's exactly like mr robot. Elliot creates a mental image of his dead father to comfort him because his body cannot handle the loneliness. It's 2am now. I guess I've vented a lot. I can't seem to make myself do anything. I'm in a rut. And I felt good on Sunday. That makes me feel like a fake too. Like I'm just being dramatic about school but I'm fine all other times. Which still isn't true but these things haunt me. No matter how many times I hear "you're valid uwu" I'm still going to hate myself and I'm still going to question. Crazy thing is I'll probably still go to school tomorrow. I'll sit in band class and stare blankly at the other wall dreaming about what my haircut might look like, or things that I'll wear when I look more like a boy. I'll smile at people around me and make sassy comments. I'll pay attention to all the crazy things nick says and think about playing trombone. Alyssa will laugh at something I say. I'll try to make eye contact with Emily when something happens even though I'm mad at her and she hates me. She won't notice and I'll feel stupid and unloved. Mr flood might give me a compliment if I do something well and it'll be the highlight of my day. He'll make a funny joke or say something odd and Alyssa will laugh again and I'll smile fondly. My heart is filled with such love it's absolutely horrible that anything like this has been allowed to happen. On the underneath of the rotting cool girl is a little boy who just wants to be held. Sometimes I call mr flood dad when he's out of earshot. I do that for mr Higdon occasionally too. They smile at me so bright and tell me I'm wonderful and delightful and compliment me on silly things that somehow make my day better even though I don't really care about them. I have dreams where I'm maybe three feet tall with fluffy blonde hair and I'm sort of hunched over trying to be small and unnoticeable and I'm crying and the tears are running down my face but I'm only sniffling, because I taught myself not to cry loudly a long time ago. I rub my eyes with my little child's hands and look up hesitantly to where I see a man standing, bending over slightly to talk to me. he looks sad but understanding and opens up his arms. I'm not sure if I'll go but then I think about being held above the ground away from my problems and I just run straight for them. As I land, I am lifted it up into a string, warm embrace. I feel safe for the first time I can remember. My arm is around his neck and one clings to his back. I bury my face between his shoulder and neck into the soft fabric there. And then I cry. I cry for a long time as the man plants gentle kisses in my hair and whispers soft unintelligible things. He rubs my back carefully and I feel myself relax. There is no tension in my childlike body. Bliss. My wildest dream is to have a loving father like that. Which makes me slightly sick. I understand Harry Potter visiting the mirror of erised so often now. Those desires are truly powerful, and those who already have strong relationships may avoid its allure easier. It's almost 2:30 I think my dad came home but that doesn't sound right. I never know when he's leaving. I'm scared just sitting here. I'm afraid he'll come in I'm afraid of the rodents in the ceiling falling on me and I'm afraid of the endlessness represented by the passing train. This whole existence feels like a cycle I can't break. Every day is blurred together. Every moment. I don't even know now if I've already written this. I do know I hate the noises of the nighttime. It is a time when we are more keenly aware of our aloneness and of all the tiny noises that lurk behind every day bustle. Humans have long been fascinated by the night. It stands as a place of unknowing, where danger can lurk easily. It used to be my greatest fear. Not the night it's self I told my mother, but the robbers in the dark. I'm so much more paranoid now, and I'm told it may be a side effect of the depression manifesting in a sort of pseudo-psychosis. Good to know not even my psychosis is real. Which makes me feel like I'm faking it. Seriously I'm about to go out of mind these squirrels sound like they're going to pounce on me at any second and while I'd like to die; not like that.