#anyway. idk. feeling a lot of clarity on this monday

[probayern]

have decided i probably need to get my shit together a bit

[yellowmelodyheart]

I don’t have to be here.

Surprisingly, I’ve actually been getting up in the mornings this whole week. I don’t know how or why, but I’ll take it as a blessing and I’m grateful for it. Otherwise, this week has been TUMULTUOUS.

Monday— Woke up early as James left, made a smoothie, got myself ready, did laundry, had the company Zoom meeting, and I felt like I got myself to a mental place to tackle the new project for work. Midway through the day, I suddenly get so tired so I end up sleeping. There was a lot more I had to do but tried to stay kind to myself and to just be proud of what I did accomplish.

Tuesday— Got up in the morning. Talked with James on the phone, we were both upset, I couldn’t handle my emotions, cried, got extremely drained, then slept for the rest of the day. Tried to not beat myself up about not getting any work done. I just knew I needed to do it the next day.

Wednesday— Got up in the morning again. Cried on my therapy call, as usual, while trying to hide it. Tried to get straight to work. Facetimed some people while rearranging my artwork/frames, then repotted my plants. Had a lot of trouble focusing but knew I needed to get work done since I slept the whole day before...so I was feeling a little anxious. Boss messages saying that we’re behind and he really needs to see some progress from me. Commence ultimate anxiety as I just try to churn something out...then coworker slacks saying we’re not on the same page. smh. Work makes me so anxious and I can’t think properly and I definitely don’t feel like I’m doing my best. It was a rough day. At least I did do some work, understood where I needed to be at, and was productive. Still have dead plants though.

Thursday— Got up in the AM and cooked breakfast. Just spent the day tackling work. Did work I didn’t have to do because I didn’t know what was going on, but did it anyway. Finished what I needed to do. Was anxious during a quick 15 minute meeting where my boss was multitasking and it felt like he barely paid attention because he was busy with other stuff and just over it. Ideas weren’t really discussed and then my ideas weren’t picked. He messaged me for stuff I hadn’t done yet. The slack message noise gives me anxiety. Everyone is having a hard time and it’s not on anyone, but it just sucks sometimes.

Working today and feeling anxious about talking to my coworker/boss just made me think about where I am with work. I’ve been questioning it for awhile...like do I want to switch out of design completely? Is it my company and I can design for another company? Or is it just me and I just need to pick myself up and stick it out here? I’ve been going back and forth between all three options. For awhile it was, “I don’t want to design at all, I want to do something less corporate and more involved, I want to be on my feet and physically active, I want to teach movement.” Then it went back to, “My job is good and stable, I can stick it out here for longer and if I want to do teacher training, I’ll do it on the side while I stay here.” And then today I had a moment of clarity that told me, “I’m always anxious with this job, I don’t feel like I fit in with the people, I’m not passionate about the mission, the vague lack of structure is so stressful...I need to leave. I should just get a design job elsewhere, where I can relate to the people and I like what the company does. I’ve never LOVED my job, at most I just put up with it and it’s okay. It’s not worth feeling anxious about work constantly. I don’t have to be here.”

BUT EVEN NOW, just a few hours later, I’M DOUBTING THAT AGAIN. I think before, I told myself it’d be better to stick with my job now and do teacher training on the side, more for financial reasons. But opening up a savings account the other day, I realized that I’ve saved up a good amount of money that finance isn’t as big of a factor in whether I stay or not. Then I looked at a couple of job listings for other design jobs and all the requirements...it’s so overwhelming. It doesn’t sound fun. It basically sounds like my job now. But I also know I’m not happy now, so something has to change. Idk, maybe because I’m already anxious and insecure, reading job listings makes me feel like I can’t do any of those jobs. Or maybe just being at home makes me not want to do any work at all, when I have to push myself now to do more work than usual (my body doesn’t like it). Idk. This is why I’m so indecisive. I get moments of clarity for an answer then doubt comes, then I get a moment of clarity for a DIFFERENT answer. -.-

Well, I’m just doing my best to do my best.