#anyway. fucking wish i looked the way i want to. im gross.

[cottoncandyswisherz]

bae i luh you

peaches asked, so i delivered because who am i to say no to a god?

bf!chris x gf!reader

warnings: fluff, HATING ASS HOE, suggestive, swearing,

-

the bass was BOOMING in the tara's living room. today was nicks second space camp drop and ms. yummy insisted on celebrating with a party because of course.

as y/n stepped into the house she was assaulted by the smell of alcohol and sweat.

someone needed a fucking speedstick because DAMN!

anyway, she was brought out of her thoughts by her boyfriends arm being snaked around her waist as she walked. 

"you alright chris?" she asked.

"yeah im good. im just not trynna get fucked up tonight, so you gotta stay close." he reassured her.

"i wasn't leaving your side anyway." she said, grabbing his hand and making her way to their crew. "SUP SLUTS?" she shouted and everybody cheered. 

and the night went on just like that. 

taking a shot for solidarity, partying with their friends, and losing themselves in the night. everyone danced and enjoyed each othe

r. chris and y/n particularly enjoyed each other. 

suddenly y/n's new favorite song came on. as soon as she heard that "i say HOOOOO BABBYYYYY" a switch flipped. 

the moment was no longer about enjoying the feeling of chris being semi-hard on her ass. it was about letting the whole house know that he was hers.

and wreck-it ralph himself couldn't break that. 

so she did what any self-respecting woman would do. she began screaming the lyrics to him while moving her body and making heart hands. 

bae i love you you my everything im yo main bitch fuck a wedding ring

chris just laughed and began singing along with her, pulling her body to his, so their noses were touching. 

in this moment, y/n realized how much she loved chris. what she'd do for him. she'd keep every secret. she'd lie for him. she'd kill for him. she'd die for him. she'd live for him. 

did it scare her? fuck yes. 

she was supposed to be a pimp, not a lover girl. and she only knew this man for a year. but if president sexyy can be tied down than so can she.

i only knew him for a week but i swear thats my boo i might let the nigga trap me bitch my summer through but dont give a fuck do anythang for you

the couple was in la la land (ryan gosling hit me up!) as they danced and laughed and loved up on each other. 

to the untrained eye, it was disgusting. but to their friends, it was the moment they'd all been waiting for.

matt smiled with pride at the side of chris being with who he really wanted to be with, rather than who he think people want him to be with.

nick was shocked at chris being so openly in a relationship after physically cringing at the mere thought of sharing a scooter with a girl, but happy for him nonetheless.

tara was damn near in tears, seeing y/n being her true soft self.

jake was wishing he had someone he could be gross and cute with.

tril (who introduced the pair) was just glad chris was finally getting non-toxic pussy and y/n was getting the dick she deserved.

but of course the moment had to be ruined. 

there's always a bitch ass bitch trying to  kill the vibe. 

or should i say, a bitch ass bum.

as soon as the couple saw who'd been standing there staring at them like monkeys in a zoo, they made eye contact and simultaneously busted out laughing.

"what do you want bruh?" chis asked, sighing in an attempt to control his giggling.

"you're fucking with her after we just broke up two weeks ago?" she nudged her head in y/n's direction, which only changed her mood from wildly entertained to mildy irritated. 

"i'm not just 'fucking with' her." chris responded bluntly. "she's my girlfriend. my girl. friend." chris made sure to enunciate his words because he knew this girl was a little slow. "something you would have had to been for us to 'break up'. which we never did. because we never dated." he pulled y/n into his side and made sure she was good before he looked back at his old talking stage.

y/n was more than good. her pussy flooded when chris called her his girlfriend. 

nigga we go together tell them hoes we go together

"but-"

 this bitch still fucking here?

"but nothing hoe." y/n butt in, deciding to handle this situation herself. she stepped to the girl and looked her good in the eyes, to make sure she felt every word. "he just told you he has a girlfriend so get the fuck on and find something safe to do."

the girl cowered and walked away without another peep. leaving chris and y/n to embrace each other with passion and love and lust and all the other good feelings.

it was official. everyone knew they were together. 

everyone knew that they were each others. 

what more could a retired pimp ask for?

niyah speaks luh part two to feed yall for the week

taglist: @mattslolita @muwapsturniolo @mattssluttygf @zniyadgaf

remember that if no one loves you, mommy loves you (and by mommy i mean me)

[losergendered]

listen im antirq but i kind of feel like a lot of the antirq community is not interested in the root reasons that people join these communities or in any sort of understanding or rehabilitation. it kind of seems like yall just wanna mock people. screenshotting people talking about how they wanna “transition to be transraped/transkidnapped” and going “whoaaaa what the fuck 😨” literally just alienates people struggling with intrusive thoughts/selfharm urges. and it makes it more likely that people who experience these things are gonna align themselves with rqs because they think that everyone else finds them gross or weird. honestly (and no one jump down my throat or misinterpret what im saying ffs think) i find transharmful/transharmed to be one of the most *understandable* parts of the rq community. misguided and ultimately harmful, yes, but understandable.

because of my npd, low empathy, and intrusive thoughts, i do often think of myself as a neutrally bad person. in my head, im an immoral person cosplaying as well-adjusted, and while, for the most part, thats the personality disorder talking, its often hard for me to divorce that way of thinking from my actual Self, because, uh, i live in my head. so i can see how seeing something like transabuser or transshooter might be a way for someone to try and wrestle with that kind of internal struggle (granted, a way that’ll most likely make that struggle worse but i digress). and im sure i dont have to explain why someone wishing they had certain forms of trauma isnt a spectacle and is rather, in itself, indicative of mental health struggles that aren’t to be mocked.

it’s just frustrating to see people i largely agree with doing nothing but look down their nose at people. dangerous and bigoted communities are not owed overly tender pussyfooting or whatever but like also its crazy to screenshot 15 year olds just to tongue wag. harm reduction starts with understanding and parading around (mostly teenagers) who are coping poorly is literally just gonna push them further into whatever community theyre in. like ffs just ignore them. especially if youre an adult. thats why i never talk abt this discourse on here. it doesnt fucking help if youre just gonna be an overly righteous asshole.

last time i made a post like this i got a whole buncha rqs in my notes telling me to “stop talking down to them” and that they’ll “do what they want.” okay man. im not your dad. this post isnt even aimed at yall anyway

tldr making a spectacle out of and constantly performing bewilderment at rqs literally only makes the issue worse and alienates those who experience unconventional mental problems. ex. me. cool thanks

[pasta-in-the-pudding]

Guess Who's back ✨

Anyways..What would Jeff be like if he found out Reader was pregnant?

AGHHH I LOVE GETTING TO WRITE FOR DOMESTIC SITUATIONS!!

Weddings, babies, moving in together i love it all 💗

Thank you so much for requesting!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Jeff finding out you're pregnant

Jeff has always been firm on the notion that he does not want kids

He thinks kids are annoying and gross and stinky

And there's also some insecurity of him not being able to be a good dad, considering his job, his upbringing, even his appearance

All around, kids are a firm no for him

So when you begin experiencing morning sickness he kind of just denies the very possibility that you could even get pregnant

But you, being at least a little more reasonable than him, decides its better safe than sorry and goes out to buy a test

When you get back, you inform him that you're gonna take the test just to be sure to which he straight up laughs

"You won't need it, because I can tell you right now you're not pregnant"

And so, after a few minutes of waiting anxiously after taking the test, you look at the results and see....a positive

A hand goes to your stomach, the tears already streaming down your face

Jeff, who decided he would wait with you snatches the test and does several takes

He's honestly just speechless, he didn't even really think he could get anyone pregnant, which may have just been wishful thinking on his part

He looks at you, and you look at him

Your face is one of pure joy, and his is a mix of confusion, fear and disgust

"We aren't keeping it, right?" He asks after looking at your face for a while

You frown and smack his arm "jeff! How could you even suggest that?!"

"We aren't prepared for a kid! We've never even talked about it! Not to mention, what kind of life would that kid have?? Growing up in a house full of murderers and monsters, the kid's guaranteed to be fucked in the head!"

"You aren't even going to give this a chance?" You ask frustratedly "you created this with me, you know! The least you could do is take responsibility!"

He groans and storms out of the room, leaving you to cry alone

When he gets back he is less angry, and clearly just got done "blowing off some steam" made clear by the fresh blood on his hoodie

You aren't crying anymore, he comes into the room and sighs before sitting with you on your bed

You are both very quiet for a while, just sitting together

He finally speaks, but he doesn't look at you. He couldn't bear to

"I love you, you know? I just get....i just feel really scared right now because I don't know what to do. I'm not in control and that scares me"

You look at him and place a hand on his cheek "if you wanna get rid of it, then we can discuss our options?" You offer

He shakes his head "i dont wanna get rid of it....i just...i don't want to mess this up, you know?"

You scoot closer to him and lay your head on his shoulder "you won't mess it up..." you look at your stomach and then grab his hand and place it on your lower belly "if you love this baby as much as you love me, theres no way you could" you say looking up at him with a smile

He looks at your stomach and then at you "im still so, so scared" he whispers to you "i dont know anything"

You kiss his nose and press your forehead to his "it's ok. We'll learn together"

He smiles "ok"

After that first whole fight, he actually gets pretty excited about the baby!

You manage to pay slender to get a room that you can make into a nursery, and announce the news to your close friends

Jeff is always buying things for the baby. Toys, clothes, blankets, etc

He also loves to talk to the baby, telling your little one all about the day that he had and how much he loves them

He's still hates kids, but his kid is amazing

(Also authors note i wanna write more general preganancy hcs for jeff bc hes so silly)

[wrathofrats]

well... how abouuuttt "why dont you ever listen to me?" with a ghoul of your choice, maybe the other ghoul is mad at dew, or maybe dew is upset, maybe because hes been trying to communicate that hes struggling ajd the others havent picked up on it, and he just wants it to stop. idk im not that good at coming up with prompts on the spot but i hope this is a good enough idea!! 🤷

Hi it’s been ….. we aren’t going to talk about how long it’s been.

But I hope you enjoy, yall seem to love when I give Dew problems (don’t worry I love it too)

Slapping aether in here because it hurts

Anyways, cirrus makes a joke, dew needs a hug and aether is a very supportive boyfriend

-

Dew doesn’t know when it began to bother him.

He sat on the couch nonchalantly watching some horror movie cirrus had thrown on. The exorcist? He doesn’t know, he doesn’t think he really cares.

“Careful cir, you’ll give him nightmares” aether teased

“He is the nightmare” cirrus rolled her eyes in a response, a playful smile at her lips. It was a joke.

His chest feels hollow as aether ruffles his hair. Something about it didn’t feel right. A normal quip that would have him saying something stupid in response, or simply giving her the finger, suddenly didn’t have the same feeling to it.

He swallowed heavy, the salvia only added to the pit in his stomach.

It’s a gross feeling, something between knowing he’s overreacting and wanting to cry at the thought that they actually think he’s a nuisance. Both are untrue, the logical part in his brain tries to convince him but it doesn’t stop the tears that sting in the back of his eyes, the flush in his face or the way his head feels like it’s full of starch.

It was a joke.

He’s overreacting, he’s certain of it but he can’t stop himself from getting up and walking away without his usual banter.

“Dew? What’s up?” Aether calls after him, following him into the bathroom.

Dew shakes his head to save his dignity. His voice will shake and crack, he knows if he even tries to say he’s ok a sob will rack his body and he won’t be able to contain himself anymore.

He’s embarrassed because he’s overreacting and he’s clutching the sink as aether puts a supportive hand on his back but it feels patronizing because he knows he’s overreacting and he’s-

“Did we say something?”

Dew sobs. Quick, choked off like it wasn’t supposed to come out because it wasn’t. Because he’s overreacting and he shouldn’t be acting like this. Because it was a joke and he’s making a scene because he can’t help but overthink everything.

“Dew, it was a joke” aether embraces him, lightly to not overwhelm him, but he can’t leave him like this. Dew barely lets go of his vice grip on the counter top to let aether pull him into himself. “She didn’t mean it, we thought you liked jokes like that”

He doesn’t. He’s said that.

Dew shakes his head and pushes away from aether enough to speak.

The crack in his voice makes him wince as he chokes and gasps the sobs back to try and get out what he’s saying without being a complete mess, but it’s pathetic anyways, he feels like a child. The way aether stares in concern makes him feel like a petulant toddler throwing a fit.

“I can’t stand them anymore. I’ve said this”

“Have you?” Aether asks, genuinely. The fact that he’s being genuine almost makes it hurt more. He wishes aether would just let him be dramatic and leave him alone.

“Why don’t you ever listen to me?” Dew all but wails. He’s louder than he means to be, another sob ringing out in the middle of his sentence. Aether looks confused and concerned, like dew has actually lost it this time, over a joke no less.

“I am, I am listening to you droplet, tell me what’s wrong”

It feels patronizing, dew knows aethers not trying to be but the frustration builds anyways.

“I’m tired aeth, I’m tired of you all acting like you hate me. No one ever acts like they genuinely like or want to be around me and it’s fucking heart wrenching” dew cries

“Water bug you know i-“ aether shakes his head, remorseful.

“No, aether you don’t understand. You all keep saying you hate me. It stings. I don’t know what to do I don’t understand why I’m the only one not worthy of kindness” dew clings to aethers shirt like if he lets go aether will disappear and stop listening to him.

“Dewdrop I’m sorry I didn’t know-“

“Stop please just - I don’t get it” dew sobs. He leans his head into aethers shirt, fist fulls of fabric brought up to his face as aether embraces him tightly.

Dew just weeps, a dam of emotions he can’t bare to vocalize comes out in tearful pleas instead.

“I don’t get it. I’m sorry. Please listen I’m sorry. I don’t understand” the demands come out in choked off cries, forceful sounds racking his small frame as aether hugs him tightly to try and get him to stop shaking.

Aether lowers them to the floor, holds dew in his lap and tries to soothe him.

“You’re not being dramatic, I’m sorry. We love you so much and I’m sorry we don’t say that” aether whispers into his hair.

Dew starts to quiet down as aether traces shapes into his back, the distraction well needed. He clings and listens and tries to focus on whatever aether is dragging into his skin with the tip of his fingers.

“So sorry waterbug, you’re ok, I love you so much. You’ve done nothing wrong”

Dew realizes what the shapes are.

He’s tracing hearts into his back.

[spacedlexi]

Wait, people think Carver is the best TWDG villain?? I always thought he was basic as hell, and the fact that he was beefing with an 11-years old girl... Now Stranger on the other hand was great, he was super intimidating and off-putting and I was genuinely so scared he would hurt Clementine. I also liked Minnie for the same reasons (she was so creepy/off-putting), but I still think Stranger is the best villain bc he had a great setup while Minnie was kind of a secondary villain. But going back to Lilly/Carver, I also definitely prefer Lilly over Carver even though neither are my favorite... And now I'm kind of curious how you would rank the rest of the TWDG villains? 🤔

carver being the best villain is a sentiment ive heard for years 😭 im sure its coming from the "S2 is the best season" crowd tho which i also dont agree with 💀

the stranger is an effective villain. hes not exactly the typical villain type people expect. but hes very unsettling and him stalking clementine for who even knows how long through the walkie talkie is 🤢 he really makes me feel sick. she was using that talkie to deal with the loss of her parents, and this fucking creep took advantage of that so hard he was able to convince her to trust him. ugh he makes me feel so gross. and think of all the guilt clem must have about that situation. trusting this freak to help her find her parents, when if she had just stayed then lee wouldnt have gotten bit looking for her, and her parents were already dead the entire time anyway. oof. theres no way that isnt one of the biggest regrets of her life

carver is fine. i definitely think his character wouldve made more sense if they put kenny in that role instead. that way theres less "i am a grown man beefing with an 11 year old" and more "this is a child i helped look out for once, and im gonna make sure shes raised Right". but i agree that carver as he is is just over the top. overly villainous to the point of it being a little comical. like when villains are all tough like that my reaction is usually "god i WISH youd fucking kill me already so i dont have to hear your bullshit anymore do you know how GOOFY you sound??". if it was kenny in that role i definitely think they wouldve been able to tone it back a bit, and him "having a good side" wouldve been way more believable. as he is carver is kind of one note

joan.... definitely the weakest of the bunch. i dont really have much to say about her. david isnt even technically a villain but i definitely saw him as the better antagonist for the season. i mean hes definitely a villain in clems eyes. and is a constant semi-antagonist towards javi throughout the whole season. joans just kinda.. there.. doing things behind the scenes to cause conflict until the final confrontation. and then she can just disappear... okay

i like the way the antagonists work in S4. theres more of a discussion around what actually makes someone a villain and the difference between a person who fucked up and made (very horrible) mistakes, and a person who is straight up a threat. and i like that it connects back to the idea of lee and his murder of that senator. did he do something horrible? yes. did he destroy his relationship to his family? yes. does he regret what he did? i think so. and he definitely has guilt about his fucked up relationship with his wife. in S1 they mention how non-guilty people got sent to prison all the time. while lee is Definitely a murderer, we get to see over the season that hes a good guy who just wanted a family and in a moment of rage and betrayal did something he can never take back. this is why i never hated marlon. did he fuck up and do horrible things? of course. but he was a scared fucked up teen leading a group of other scared fucked up teens. he knows he fucked up, and continued fucking up to cover for his previous fuck ups lol. but he can be talked down. its a shame it ends the way it does, but i really like being able to teach aj the difference between people like marlon and people like lilly

lilly takes that kenny/carver idea and applies it to a clementine that has grown up and has been looking out for herself (and baby aj) for years now, instead of the 11 year old trying to figure shit out she was in S2. shes too old for lilly to be able to sway her in a way she couldve been more susceptible to in S2, and when lilly finally realizes this she just turns her attention to aj instead, seeing the potential in him (a potential clem does NOT want aj to live up to, wanting him to get to be a kid and not just a survivor, let alone a killer). lilly is fun because you can see in her that she WANTS clementine on her side, and throughout the season progressively realizes that its just never going to happen. both lilly AND clem come to the realization that this person they once considered family is beyond reason, their views too different, and so the fighting begins. their fight at the end of EP3 really feels like a "so its finally come to this" moment for both of them, their final fight. i always shoot her.

whats interesting about minnie is seeing her evolve from secondary antagonist in EP3 to straight up primary villain in EP4. the things shes done, the way shes been broken. she becomes her own downfall, seeing herself as someone beyond redemption. that this is just who she is now, its how things have to be. because if they didnt have to be this way? well then theres a lot more guilt she'd have to deal with. yelling at her in EP4 to just STOP FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YOU DONT HAVE TO DO THIS ANYMORE but she has been changed (in her eyes) so irreparably that she cant see any other option. and she progressively sees clem as the one who fucked everything up for her, instead of accepting that it could all finally be OVER. after killing sophie, the delta was all she had left. it cant have all been for nothing. and so she blames clem for taking it all away from her, even tho clem is just trying to protect her family. the family that used to be minnies. and so in her rage she gets bit. something else that she couldve avoided. but shes just too lost to her own downward spiral, unable to be reasoned with. by that point she just wants it all to be Over. and she wants to take tenn with her so she can finally pretend things can all go back to the way they used to be. her, sophie, tenn, and their parents all together again, where no more bad things have to happen to them. shes super tragic and i love her for that. and i love how she holds this dark mirror up to clem. clem struggles to let go of her past too, and the guilt she has over the things shes done and people shes hurt. and that if she cant learn to let go and move on she could get lost to it the same way minnie did. theres a reason clem is so quick to accept her fate, but shes finally able to leave that guilt holding her to her past behind in that barn. and she returns to ericson a much happier and lighter person, so much weight finally lifted from her shoulders. its finally over for her too

so yeah. my fave villains are definitely the S4 ones due to their nuance and layers. then the stranger, then carver, then joan. if i had to put david on this list he'd probably be above carver. but thats mainly because he has more nuance than carver ever did

[messybouquetoflilies]

This wasn't the reason before, but after seeing your new dumb post my new reason is because you think you aren't "safe" around Trump supporters. You are a clear victim to fear porn if you believe that. Trump and Harris are both liars, frauds, and puppets for a corrupt system, but Trump supporters (for the most part) are amazingly wonderful people (other than their blind allegiance to an actor playing his part, just like Harris plays hers). The vast majority do not care if you're a faggot pretending to be a girl, they just want you to stop guilting, shaming, and trying to force everyone else to play pretend with you (as well as supporting the indoctrination and grooming of children). If you want to live inside your imagination, then by all means go ahead, but that doesn't mean the rest of the world needs to play along with your delusions or be quiet with their opinions.

Regardless of what you think of this message, I want to implore you not to give in to fear. If you live a life centered around love, then you have nothing to be afraid of. If you turn people into monsters inside your head, then of course that's what you'll see when you look at them, regardless of the reality in front of you.

Get off Tumblr. Get off the internet. Breathe fresh air. Walk on grass. TALK to people face to face and live inside the real world. You're killing your soul by spending so much time online, drowning in toxic, hateful ideologies. Thinking with your dick instead of your heart. I'm pretty sure you don't believe you have a soul, anyway, which is just further proof you're destroying yourself. Why else would someone get off to being beaten and abused? Being treated like a dog? You have no self-worth and you want everyone else to be just as miserable as you. You don't love yourself, so how can you ever expect anyone else to love you? All you'll ever find is people who get off to the idea of fucking and hurting the costume you choose to attach yourself to. Your entire life is the way it is because you don't take accountability for anything. Play stupid games, win stupid prizes. You are on the wrong path. In ten years when you're in the exact same spot, wondering why things are so bad for you, why people cut you out of their lives, questioning what you could have done differently, feeling alone and unlovable, still staring at your computer screen and wishing things would change, still pretending like it's the world's fault and not your own, I hope you remember this anon and start making the right choices for yourself. You're a man. Get your shit together and act like one. Then once you've finally learned to love yourself as you are and you straighten out the mess of your life, by all means - act like the dumbest, prettiest lil' puppy bitch you wanna be behind closed doors. Separate reality from fantasy instead of trying to merge them into one. You will NEVER find happiness if you carry on how you have been. The only people who will love you are the ones who are happy to keep you sick and mentally ill so long as that means they never have to face their own demons.

it really is the most boring piece of shit little worm answers from people like you lol. crazy you tell me im on this website too much when you literally respond to my posts within minutes. someones obsessed 😇

why is it always the same speech 😔 cant you loser pieces if shit come up w something new and interesting to say? ive heard this before. you're wrong. there you go, thats my argument. it has just about the same level of depth and introspection as the 9 paragraphs you just sent. you get to see one side of me on the internet with no context and you think you can say all that. get a life

spending your free time sending personalized, anons to a blog in a dark corner of the internet that averages 1 note a post, and then telling them they spend too much time on the website is psycho behavior. get help, and make actual friends im begging you.

you're weird and gross for thinking like this. stop trying to control other people you know nothing about, and do a lil work on urself. look into your own beliefs and the sources you're getting your entertainment and information from. get some perspective in life and stop wasting your time being such a sad, boring, loser <3

[mikerooksi]

vent/rant sorry hahagshja throws up and explodes

im a yapper

somwtimes I miss the people who did bad things to me and/or other people because sometimes I feel like they cared for me and/or talked with me more than the friends I have now

and I don't mean this in a way where I'm tryna make my friends rn look bad I love all of yall I really do and honestly it might js be the night time thoughts getting to my head but idk I've js thought abt people from my past for a while and like I try and make myself hate them but then I think abt like oh how I was actually friends with those people/person. like i actually had some. connection to them??

whether it was where we played games together or we just hung out at school or or whatever but I just think about the fact that I had fun with those people, that i felt comfortable with them sometimes. but then I also think about what they've done and I'm like 'damn do I really miss a person who's done all that to me/other people?? that's fucked up' but idk it's really hard to ACTUALLY hate someone I feel like but like IDK there's like multiple opinions rn in my head arguing with each other basically and it just makes me feel kinda weird and gross and 'wtf ur disgusting' ykwim

IDK IDK DUDE like likee I just remember they'd message me way more than my friends do rn but at the same time I think it was js bc like for AT LEAST one of them they were honestly jus tryna get me to be with them/play with them 24/7, which is actually one of the main problems I had with that person but at the same time I've thought abt it before and I'm like 'I wish I had someone like that so I can play with people more often' LIKE not in the way where I want someone who's a bad person but someone who wants me enough to be the like person to ask of they wanna play together but I think that's a me problem so idfk

actually all of this is kinda a me problem HELP dude I sound insane

i meam like back to that part where I mentioned how it's kinda hard to hate somebody even in my life like, right now, present time it's hard for me to really hate someone bc like. there's this person who's a dick ar my school but sometimes I see them laughing or hanging out with their friends and, ik they're a bad person and stuff but like seeing them have fun and still be like, human, makes it hard to really hate them ykwim? but it's not like I like them though. idk emotions are mad weird I don't even know if I'm making sense rn

i really just think it's the night time thoughts but idfk dude sometimes I wonder if I were able to go back and if I had just said nothing or whatever at the time would I have still decided to later on break off our friendship and stuff?? IDKK idk.

maybe I don't miss them like the actual person exactly but I miss the good moments? I think that's what I'm tryna say??? I'm not sure bro ☹️

anyways sorry for the wall of text 🧍‍♂️

[plenary-indulgence]

Okay so I know it was just a lil meme/joke, but out of curiosity if he WERE to get sent to silent hill what sort of emotional baggage wouldve sent em there and how well would he handle it?

first of all i HATE that u asked me this on anon b/cuz the fact that you a) looked at my post at all and b) took the time to ask me about it is making me insane and i want to send you a handwritten thank you note all tied up with like a ribbon and stickers and shit

anyway i definitely haven't thought about this at all clearly

ehehe had to get that out of the way it makes me laugh every time i look at it even though it's my own joke (i am one of like 7 people in the world who actually liked sh4)

i love the idea of silent hill aus and using them as a creative tool to really explore what makes your wol/oc tick in all the ugly ways but i personally feel like im not really clever or creative enough to do it well myself (kind of like konami after they fucked over kojima and made homecoming/downpour AM I RIGHT FELLAS!!) i can say with some certainty he wouldn't handle it WELL, there would be a lot of running away and panic and hiding and praying and swinging a lead pipe EXTREMELY INEFFECTUALLY because that's just how he handles things outside of silent hill too, by running away and hiding and praying. not so much the lead pipe maybe, that's a contrivance. :)

but i think primarily coconeja's biggest problem is his insecurity and his inability to really self-actualize and believe in himself as someone who matters in the world and how he just wants so badly to be what he thinks everyone else wants him to be, instead of just accepting himself for who he actually is. i think then some of the manifestations would be twisted versions of himself, or rather all the coconeja's he wishes he were but fails to be. and since it's a flawed premise to begin with, there is no "ideal" coconeja, they would all sort of be half-formed, misshapen things. pathetic grotesqueries. but with flavors!! the coconeja he thinks yshtola wants, who is clever and worldly - but physically weak and has to drag itself along the ground and oozes ink and has all the answers - but can only speaks backwards in riddles the coconeja he thinks thancred wants, who is quick on his feet and graceful and confident - but has no substance, and barely exists, and can only sort of shift ineffectually in and out of existence miserably the coconeja he thinks his parents wanted, which is just a sad little shadow who sits in a dark room full of dead fish all alone and counts, endlessly

you know!! stuff like that!! so on and so forth. a whole bunch of fucked up little coconeja ghoulies, so messy, so miserable, so gross.

oh and yea i guess there's the wedge thing; but joke photoshops aside he really deep down truly does not see wedge as anything other than good or as something that could ever hurt him. he loves wedge, and all the pain and the longing and the loneliness - all that baggage comes from inside, from him. he doesn't blame or resent wedge at all!! so if wedge did show up i don't think it would be as a monster i think it would be more conceptual. like something coconeja's searching for, or trying to reach, but can't. haunting this particular narrative in a way even though he's not dead.

although the more i think on it - while wedge himself is not at fault coconeja is REALLY AFRAID AND AWARE of how his status as the wol affects others, especially people he cares about, and how it can get them hurt or put them in danger. and i mean thats literally what happened with omega. compounding factor here that he thinks confessing or pursuing wedge in the way he wants WOULD hurt him and is wrong and like, not even doing anything but knowing he WANTS to - the shame and the guilt really do be eating him up.

mm like he really internalizes the fact that it's him, wanting wedge as something inherently wrong and hurtful and something to keep secret and locked away. in reality its BECAUSE he cares so much and would never do anything to hurt wedge, but has such a low opinion of himself and is terrified of the idea that just by having these feelings at all he's already ruined everything. idk im going in circles here. this particular aspect of coconeja is very stupid and hard for me to articulate lmao

i also think it would be dope as hell if there were just like, a giant godzilla sized flag. i mean you could make it relevant and say like "ohh well the giant godzilla sized flag is a representation of coconeja's inability to connect with people, his best friend is an animal because he's afraid of how he thinks real people won't accept his perceived inadequecies or whatever" and i guess like give him 3 heads and rusty muzzles and fucked up antlers that are just like a constantly twisting mess of human hands grasping at nothing hell throw in a bunch of rotting lunar tears all over him so i can even shoehorn the nier raid stuff in there and that's sort of coconeja's pyramid head figure, always just sort of looming off in the distance, watching, being a physical reminder of his fear and self-loathing and doubt

and of course as far as the actual silent hill itself, gotta go with the CLASSIC foggy town. or not so much a town, but the streets of uldah completely devoid of the hustle and bustle that defines it. it's cold and it's empty and it's rotting and it's quiet (aside from coconeja wailing his fool head off as he's running away from himself and swinging a rusty lead pipe at nothing)

anywho, thanks again for the ask!! thank you!! thanks!!

[joculine]

freshman year facebook rp groups and "dnd" friend circles.

its hard to dig back for that. i think it's gone, the original FB group. gone gone. i did a little digging and found a few image scraps, a big text dump.

there are a few others. i can track the freshman year dnd group i was in, from where it started, to all the scene kids showing off their dyed hair, trying to coordinate car pools to see like, the hobbit or whatever was out, dumb little FB post RP chats.

of course, the last post, the one at the top, is the post that killed the group. someone tried to start up a new campaign, i wanted to be a pirate, and then that shitty girl popped in and said "if its not awkward i would also like to be a part."

she kinda fucked up a lot of her friendships at the end of that year. looking back at how the dates line up, i imagine some very tough things were going on for her. she'd come out as trans in about a year or so and i know her parents were shit. its funny, i can dig into that old RP account i have and see she's actually still using hers as of this week. i think it's her primary facebook account.

i flip back through there and see all these messages about how she wants to kill me and beat me up and put me in cages and fuck me and hurt me. she talks unprompted about how she thinks im annoying or gross or dumb as shit and sends me whatever porn shes looking at. and then id go to school the next day and see her and we'd have a fun time. its sort of shocking to look at. but… shes a kid. maybe 14 or 14 years old. shes a huge asshole and really not a good person for me to be around, but shes still just a kid. and i know the same thing was happening to her, but unlike me it was coming from people she didnt know IRL and who were probably too old to be talking to her in the first place. i dont really know what to do with that in hindsight.. maybe i didnt at the time either...

anyway, on that post i see a lot of people commenting that we need to hash out our beef and reconcile. i didnt comment again though.

i look through all those messages and i see someone who is trying very hard to be liked. trying very hard to stay liked. kids are dumb. kids do dumb things to each other. it means a lot in the moment, but in the long run teenagers are just assholes. i think a lot of these people were especially shitty and occasionally both physically and verbally abusive. but they were the friends i had until i broke away. they were important to me.

i tried digging around a little more, to see if i could find my old messages with jack. (this is a different now tboy jack than the one i was posting about last week)

the messages go up to when we started texting. i dont really remember how long we dated and it was all online so was it really dating? ehh. no. i havent counted it since sophmore year. he was a good one though, better than most of the other people there. we both thought the other one hated each other, so we were both kind of mean in person in that way that tweens are. he moved before i ever got the chance to tell him how i felt in person.

its not easy. its not easy to all remember. it was all so long ago. i dont think i want to remember either. it was a time and a place where i felt so lonely.

im glad thats not where i am now. but i miss those people and that time. or i miss what could have happened, if it hadnt fallen apart or if i had made more of an effort or if things were just a little nicer.

its weird.. it was such a weird time to be a kid online. its still a weird time to be a kid online.

in a way, i almost miss it. i miss that thrill of being part of such a large group of people who all had different things going on and all had different relationships to each other. but when i really think about it...

i wish i had been who i had wanted to be. that i had known who i wanted to be. i wish i met these people on the level that they were beginning to come to themselves. i think everyone in that group had a 5 to 6 year headstart on figuring out their deals, as gay or, trans guys, butches, trans fems, etc. i was at bisexual, i know that much. but i retreated from that after i left that group, totally sealed off any thought that i was something other than straight and cis for... about six-ish years. i think it was too painful thinking about how i felt and how it feel apart to dwell on that part of myself that id had the fleeting chance to explore.

one guy there, the one who actually organized most of the RPs and the fanventure, was something else though. i think he knew who he was before anyone else. i think he knew who we all were before we did. he went across the spectrum of butch lesbian to GNC trans man and probably into other explorations of his identity since i knew him. i always found that really inspiring. it meant a lot that he saw me earlier this year when i came out publicly and shared in my joy. "im so happy for you." like he knew. like he always knew. maybe he did. maybe he didnt.

[totheblood]

what was that post about? i liked it but im confused

i think this was in regards to the manipulative bitches post ... but yeah anyways there was some weirdo activity from a few writers in the fandom and i think because i spoke on it or had an 'active' part to play in it that some people were sending me hate asks esp since i hadn't posted anything in a while that warranted that. i also then realized afterwards that a person had me blocked on here shortly after that ask was sent to me.

the way things unfolded was honestly really fucking weird and the way a lot of people acted was really fucking weird. in all honesty i wish i never knew half the people that wrote on here because they are so??? it's giving the lesbian suck and fuck extravaganza experience from high school and it's terrifying. you don't need to sext everyone you ever meet... it's okay.

but beyond that they are just weird. there have been multiple instances where i told someone to their face what they are doing is weird and highly problematic for them to come back, do the same thing, and block me. it's also weirdly cliquey... and gross... which is why i wanted any writing server i made to only serve the purpose of writing.

i'm actually appalled i lost friends for certain things and that some people feel a loyalty so strongly to someone else that they can't understand their friend may be wrong. writers i used to look up to became people i didn't want to know. so there is buyers beware there.

point is, never meet your idols.

[ajockeynamedpod]

hhhhhh bad gross thoughts under cut

I just want to cut my stupid stomach off and my thighs so that maybe I can fit into the clothes that I see that I like because I am not considered a beautiful body type

i don’t care if i bleed out on the floor from removing my disgusting body parts as long as i can look beautiful when im in the casket

the organs inside don’t even work properly it’s no loss

I haven’t felt this bad about my body in a long time but being treated like an inhuman sexpot and wanting to finally look the way i want to after decades of wearing hand me downs and baggy jeans and seeing people who look like me get dogged on by disgusting people on the internet is really taking a nasty toll on me. and after anime boston and seeing so many people in cosplays I could never wear without ending up on another bad cosplay blog, it’s too much

it doesn’t help that my body has very little interest in food and hasn’t for the better part of a year now and im just kinda rolling with it. I don’t deserve food anyway if im going to be any sort of pretty and if my body doesn’t want it for unrelated reasons that I still don’t even know (probably stress and thyroid if I had to guess), then okay.

food used to be my thing. i used to be kinda confident in being a plus sized person into alt fashion. what the hell happened to me.

i wish i could mutilate the whole fucking thing and sew it back into something that could fit into nice clothes

[wrathofrats]

13. Wax play / size kink

Phantom x mountain

Prompts as always by the icon @kroas-adtam

Mountain catches phantom and makes him repent for his sins. Sequel to day 9 but can be read alone

Warnings for heavy religious bullshit, preacher mountain, religious guilt. Wax play. Me getting carried away about Catholicism again.

Phantom almost thought mountain was going to gut him on the spot the way he grabbed his scruff once the two were done.

“Meet me in the chapel” he growled in his ear.

So that’s where he sat.

Front row at the end of the pew. Hands folded and his lap and head down, waiting.

He waited for a long time.

The guilt continued to burn in his stomach. Perverted thoughts and sins eating at the lining of his insides. The images of mountain fucking Aurora continued to flash in front of his eyes, impossible to ignore. Impossible to ignore how he fucked into her. How she screamed. How big he looked under her. It has him chubbing up all over again before he can stop himself.

Finally after what seemed like hours he could hear the door open and close behind him.

Mountain walked up behind him silently. Only sound that could be heard was the squeak of the old wooden floorboards beneath his weight. Heavy step of his shoes on the floor. They pounded in phantoms ears as he got closer.

Mountain walked straight past him though and up onto the stage.

“Come here. Kneel.” His voice was commanding. Strict.

Phantom scrambled to his feet, practically falling over himself to walk up the small steps and kneel at mountains feet. Head still down and hands in his lap. He doesn’t dare look at mountain but he can feel his judgment bore through him.

Mountain stays silent. He knows his stature is making the smaller ghoul squirm in his position. Waiting and hanging onto every small sound the old building makes when mountain even shifts his weight. It’s torturous. The splintered floorboards covered in rough old carpet tear into phantoms knees but he tries to stay still anyways. He attempts to count the fibers in the carpet, inhales the old must of the chapel, focuses on the dust partials in the air to calm his nerves.

“Strip. Continue to kneel.”

Phantom rushes to shuck his clothes while mountain moves about the stage, he can hear his footsteps the the sounds of him grabbing different things, but he doesn’t dare look up.

He’s cold, bare, exposed. He’s vulnerable. Knelt unclothed before him, cock hard against his stomach. It’s embarrassing, shameful.

“And after all of that. You’re still hard? Do you not feel guilty?”

Phantom can hear his ears ringing, his face burning. He does feel guilty. He feels dirty and gross for his actions.

“Oh … you do feel guilty don’t you. And that’s why you’re so turned on”

He wished he didn’t point it out. Phantom winces at the words.

“Do you want to be forgiven? Do you want to show me how guilty you feel?”

“Please let me, please forgive me”

The click of a lighter is heard throughout the room.

“Look at me” mountain says

Phantoms lifts his head to stare at mountain for the first time since he caught them in the courtyard.

He’s dressed in his preacher uniform. Black button up shirt tucked into black trousers with the white band going through the collar. In one hand a lighter, the other a long thick red candle.

Phantom would be lying if he said seeing mountain like this didn’t turn him on even more.

“We will burn away your sins”

He watches mountain light the candle in his hand.

“Repent”

Mountain looms over him. A thick bead of wax falls down the candle and drips onto phantoms bare thigh making him hiss.

“Shit - im sorry, im sorry for my sins”

Mountain tips the candle forward, another bead of wax drips higher this time, almost directly next to his aching cock.

“You can do better”

“I’m sorry I was watching you I know better now I’m sorry please forgive me”

A long stream of wax runs down, coating his shoulder and dripping onto his chest.

“Tell me what you are”

“I’m a pervert. I’m a sick pervert”

Another drip of wax, onto the other shoulder

“Tell me what you want”

“I want to be forgiven”

Mountain grabs phantoms hair harshly, pull his head back to expose his neck. More seering red wax pours onto the column of his throat. The heat stings, makes him gasp as mountain continues to pour.

“No. Don’t lie to me. Tell me what you actually want”

Phantom breathes heavy, stares up at mountain in confusion. He can’t be asking him to tell him … that .. can he? Is that what he wants?

“You’re still hard. Confess”

Phantom gulps down a breath of air as mountain lets go of his scalp. His jaw trembles with the words he doesn’t want to say.

“I want your cock. I need it. I need you to fuck me mountain please. I need you to break me, heal me make me better anything-“ phantom babbles. Desperate and ashamed.

It’s hard for mountain not to smirk at the poor ghoul. Bare and guilty knelt in front of him, covered in red wax he’s sure will leave welts. Marks of his forgiveness.

“On your hands and knees”

Phantom easily obeys, leaning over to place his hands onto the old carpet, arches his back to present for mountain, submit to him.

Mountain moves behind him, still holding the candle as the hot wax pools in the divot where it’s been burned countless times. The air smells of smoke and herbs and lust. Something deeply religious and blasphemous.

A large hand settles on his hip before another stream of hot wax runs down his back. It’s a distinct burn. Not enough to have him truly injured but enjoy to hurt and keep him in place. A quick sting before it hardens on top of the sore skin.

“Please do something” phantom whines

“You need to be prepped, youre too tight, I’ll hurt you” mountain says. His tone has softened from before, something more forgiving and caring than the booming voice of judgment he had before.

“Please hurt me. Please make me pay. Make me repent” phantom nearly cries. He’s been hard for hours, it hurts and he feels guilty for his dirty thoughts and all he needs is mountain. He needs to prove himself.

“I will. I will make sure you prove yourself shadow. Don’t worry” a thick finger prods at his hole, attempting to open him up. Even just the one finger has him burning with the stretch, hands much larger than his own, two of his fingers could probably equate to the size of at least a couple of the cocks he’s taken. It’s a terrifying thought that has his mouth watering, the fact that if this is how big his fingers are, how big is his cock?

More wax is poured along his back, he arches against it, pushes back on the now two fingers mountain has inside him.

“Let me cleanse you of your sins shadow. Let me make you better, let me purify you”

It hurts when mountain finally attempts to push into him. It’s a stretch he could never imagine, filling him to absolute brim. He can feel it in his stomach, his chest, everywhere. It hurts, it takes his breath away. He craves more. The idea of mountain moving makes him want to cry.

“Are you ok shadow?” Mountain asks tenderly, smoothing another large hand over his back, through the long welts from the hot liquid.

“Please move. Please fuck me”

And mountain can’t resist. He starts slow, testing to see if phantom was actually alright, before going faster once he decided he can’t help himself. Phantom is tight, mountain can barely think with the small ghoul on his cock, whining like he’s never been fucked before. He pours more wax on him just to hear him whimper under the pain. It’s obscene, the poor thing crying out for his cock, begging to be forgiven. It’s truly not mountains fault if he gets close faster than he thought he would.

“Cl- close mountain please, need your hand on my cock. Touch me please” it’s a hard request to deny. And mountains hand practically swallows phantoms cock, obscuring the small thing from view when he reaches around him. It’s not long before he’s shooting into it and onto the carpet below them.

Mountain quickly pulls out before cumming onto phantoms back, long white ropes spilling onto the red hardened wax.

“You’ve been forgiven”

[sylvanianfamiliez]

going to be autistic on here abt bjd eyes

i’ve been experimenting w trying to make bjd eyes for years at this point and im like confident in my skills but i’m struggling to find the right materials. i watch a lot of various eye makers’ tutorials to see what they use but the problem i always find is that most of them don’t seem to worry abt how the eyes will hold up longterm, which is smth i rly want for mine. like using uv resin for the base will yellow so bad….not to mention the health effects

so it’s like health + longevity that bothers me. i don’t want to use toxic materials for my eyes and risk my health for it. stop using resin without proper ventilation and shit inside your home. please.

my best bet rn is polymer clay for the bases and it works great but the major problem i have is dust in the pure white of the eyes…gonna try some ways of minimising this but i also can’t spend all my energy trying to reduce dust in my environment bcuz it’ll give me a heart attack from the stress. plus i can’t seem to get it to smoosh perfectly in the silicone molds…it’s always got some dents. that’s probably just practice though

so for the dust my thinking was maybe i’d just cover it in acrylic paint after, but acrylic paint stays a bit sticky and attracts dust anyway so. it kinda cancels out. i’ve thought about other materials to use as a base but it always comes back to yellowing. i wondered whether maybe thermoplastic could work but i couldn’t find anything about the yellowing rates so, maybe i’ll try it and leave it sometime but i don’t have high hopes

but then ofc there’s the problem of The Oven. i make the irises out of polymer clay bcuz that’s what works best for me. i’ve never been able to use pastels for my colours bcuz it just looks gross and grainy and muddy no matter what i do, so polymer clay is pretty non negotiable. which means whatever i use for the bases has to be oven safe

and the bubbles in the domes as well…it’d be good to get a pressure chamber someday but that’s a more serious piece of kit than i have room for rn. laeli suggested trying a vibrator to agitate the bubbles which i wanna try so bad lol. but i need to get the resin first….i wanna try art resin cuz it’s supposed to be non toxic so i could use it indoors. and i saw some tests where it was super resistant to yellowing as well. so it sounds perfect but since it’s 2 part resin i’d have to have a lot of eyes prepped beforehand so i don’t waste it all as it’s not cheap !!

im thinking about seeing if i could do the bases with art resin as well but since it’s only non toxic on its own cuz it doesn’t react with anything else in the air, i don’t know what pigments i could use if any. apparently their pigments they make are kinda ass and i’d need it to be a really solid white. they also don’t sell the pigments individually afaik. i’d like to try a white gel pigment but again !! i don’t know how it’ll react. it’d probably be fine but i wish i had the info…..plus i don’t know if it would just melt in the oven. you shouldn’t really put resin in the oven. and if it worked i’d definitely want to get my own little oven sooner as i’m just experimenting w the kitchen one first….bcuz it comes back to the toxic fumes. but even if i did that’s also. having the space for it

UAGH !! you see why i am going round in circles….i wish i could be one of those girlies that just fucks up their lungs and makes eyes that go yellow in 2 years and be happy but unfortunately i care for both myself and my product. i think i’m gonna have to just work on making my space dust free for the white polymer clay but I DONT WANNAAAAAA

[carpedanneel]

Ya’ll are fucking wild here. no wonder why this rp has just been the same 5 people for the last 4 years. But I thought maybe things are different, maybe it’s changed. Wrong. Admin, you still make rules to cater to the admin or the “inner” 3 other members they’ve deemed “worthy”. You make rules that cater to pretty much you only. You dont care about how you make other people feel, as long as you're getting your way. And the members here have been so brainwashed by the bullshit either theyre too scared or too intimidated to say anything. You still find a way to corrupt people from playing certain fc’s you have history with STILL forcing history on certain fc’s. A history ONE player expects you to remember every detail to even if you don’t like the plot. That one player who makes SO MANY people uncomfortable, whether they want to admit it or not, who also just happens to be the main admin. The main admin who doesnt even do a god damn thing on the main, and then will make every excuse as to why not. Sarah, you’ve found so many ways to provoke, gaslight, bully, guilt or force threads, histories, plots on probably every single player here. It’s gross. You deserve every call out youve gotten. But I don’t even 100% blame you. I also blame most of the spineless people you claim to be your “friends”. Here they complain and shit talk behind your back but then turn around and lick the ground you walked on. But probably because you’ve bullied them into it. I love how you post this long ass thing from the main saying how this place isn't for everyone and if youre bothered, blah blah. Just say this place is for you to do whatever tf you want whenever you want, and be done with it. At least be honest. How many times did you ask if you should drop certain chars looking for pity and how many people begged you to stay, Sarah? No one. That's telling. But its good to know this group is only here for you and your bullshit. Since this group is "anything goes" then the second someone calls your character out ic, you do the same thing you do ooc and come up with every excuse on why youre not wrong. Amd then kick them out! Maybe instead of always blaming everyone both ic and ooc, maybe look inward.I tried, I really tried to come in with an open mind that maybe this place had changed over the many years, but it clearly never will.Also, on the subject of bullying, Lena, you're also a god damn bully, which is funny since youre barely even on. But you still found a way, thought it was okay to message me and try to get me to drop ashley. First time we spoke you instantly were guilting me saying I swiped up Ashley before you could. And then to actually IM me the other day trying to guilt me into giving her up? So fucking rude. But at least you got your wish. Ya’ll have zero class. RP should be fun. This place sucks the fucking life out of you. I now remember why Sarah used to be banned from so many hollywood rps back in the day and why this place was basically blacklisted. Why i used to have to block her and other members here from my character pages bc youd steal shit. I bet I could log onto an old blog and find FANMAILS of her TRYING to force ships and plots in old rps, thats how long its been going on. I will say i do feel bad for some of the quality players in this group. I just dont know why you put up with it when there are groups out there where you dont have to be foeced into ships or plots just bc youve known someone for so long. Where you dont have to NOT come on the dash bc a player/character is being redundant and miserable 24/7. You dont have to sit here and keep letting sarah and this group take advantage of you. Anyways, I'm out. To the few here who actually reached out to plot or even just to chat, ya'll are cool and feel free to dm me or hmu on discord. New members, I'd beware if I was you.

@carpediem-celebrpg

Just for context, this was what I wrote in the ooc of an rp I just left. I'm sure it got deleted but I wanted to put it in the tags to let the rpc know this rp is still a problem and so are some members. Beware if joining, it's all shady.

[telltalebatman]

post the frankie size queen essay

in form of a ficlet as im wating for my food delivery. nsfw btw

"So," Angelo asked her one day. "Mac Gargan, huh?"

"Ugh, don't start this again," she sighed as he laughed. "I've told you already. I'm sorry, okay? I didn't know he's coming to our wedding-"

"Franks, I couldn't be any less mad about not getting married to a girl if I tried. All things considered, it is a miracle it took pops this long to figure out I'm gay, and I never liked lavender to begin with. Nice touch with having lavender in your wedding bouquet, by the way," he added with a grin as she laughed. "Subtle."

"Yeah, I thought you'd like that," she said with a giggle. "I just saw they had this option and went - holy shit, Angel Boy's gonna love it."

"Well, I did love it. Buuuuuut... I didn't get you here just to reminisce about our failed wedding. Come on, Franks. I need to know - why him?" he asked finally, his dark eyes glimmering with curiosity; and Frankie bit her lip.

"Well, he does make me feel safe," she said slowly, wincing slightly as the irony of a guy who once kidnapped her making her feel safe was not entirely lost on her. "He's patient. Like, really patient."

"Uh-uh," Angelo said, rolling his eyes. "Fucking boooriiiiingggggg. I want to know the juicy stuff. Come on. How's your sex life?" he asked in his worst Tommy Wiseau voice; and Frankie groaned. Rationally, she knew this question was coming; and it wasn't the question she was dreading - it was the answer.

"I had never been fucked better in my entire life," she said with a deep sigh. "You know that club bouncer guy I told you about, the one that looks like Don Costa? He has a huge schlong, but can't use it. And Mackie... Holy shit, Angel Boy. Now I know what the Muppet puppets would feel if they ever came alive and felt the hand inside of them."

"Ew," Angelo said with a wide grin. "Gross. Keep going though."

"The first time he put it in I thought he's gonna poke my eye out from within," she continued, her cheeks flushing slightly as she thought back to their first time. "It felt so fucking good. I had never realized how much empty space I have inside of me until he fucked me. It was fucking unreal."

"Jesus, is that why you went radio silent for a week? Because he fucked you so good you forgot how to speak?"

"I didn't just forget how to speak, I forgot where I live," she said with a pained sigh as Angelo laughed. "And I thought to myself - great! Now that I've fucked him, he's out of my system. I can move on with my life now. But then I hooked up with another guy, and... It was just not the same. Nobody could fill me like he did. And it wasn't even a metaphorical, emotional void or anything. No, I mean it in the most literal, physical sense. He filled me up, alllllll the way. I then tried to, you know, get a dildo, but... Eh. It's just not the same, you know?"

"Yeah, I get that. An artificial dick up your ass is just not the same as the real thing," he said, nodding sagely. "Been there. Done that. Disinfected that afterwards."

"Yeah, I sure hope you disinfect your dildos. But anyway, that's how I figured out I'm physically incompatible with anyone whose dick I can wrap my fingers around. If it doesn't make me feel like I'm about to have to go to the ER, I don't want it. Apparently whenever we fuck, I look like I'm having a stroke and a heart attack at the same time, but he kinda likes it. He says it's hot when I can't even talk properly and he can really feel me."

"God, I am so glad we didn't end up married, our sex life would be so fucking bad for both of us. Me, I just can't top. You... Ugh, I can't even say it."

"Don't say it then. Just know that I do not think about you when I'm riding that Burj Khalifa of dicks. All I think about is how good it feels to my esophagus."

"Yeah, okay, Miss Piggy. What I hate the most about this conversation is that it's the same exact for me. And I love being a Muppet. I just wish dicks had fingers, you know? So they could wiggle them inside of me. That, I think, would ruin me completely."

"Oh god," Frankie breathed out, biting her bottom lip. "That would fucking rule. And also result in my eyeballs falling out for real, I'm pretty sure."

"Can the two of you shut the fuck up for five fucking minutes?" Mac asked tiredly from another room; Frankie and Angelo laughed in unison. They were having their weird little conversation in the living room of an apartment Frankie was renting together with Mac - who was trying to take a nap in the other room. Clearly that was not working out, and she hoped he had heard every single word. Because that'd mean a oh so you like it big, huh? kind of sex later on - and the only thing she liked more than his massive dick was when he made fun of her for not being able to string together a simple coherent sentence as he fucked her. "Please. Jesus."

"We'll be quiet now," Frankie said, kicking Angelo under the table. "Right, Angel Boy?"

"Yeah, as quiet as she gets when your dick pierces her intestines," Angelo replied in a sing-song voice; Mac groaned. Frankie laughed. For just a single afternoon, all was right in the world; and when the night fell, once again she forgot her own name.

ohmygodohmygodohgodohgodohgod

"You like it big, huh?" he said as she gasped loudly and grabbed the sheets as she tried to spread her legs even further. "Aww, look at yourself. Can't even talk," he added mockingly as she moaned and arched her back. "Hold still," he added, grabbing her by her waist as he fucked her. "Tell me how much you like it, or I'll stop."

"No," she moaned out, her thought slowing down to a crawl. "Pl... Please... Oh, god..."

In return, he only laughed; and she could feel his laughter, deep inside of herself. His every word, every chuckle echoed through herself; and she

fucking

loved it.

ohgodohgodohgodohgodIMCUMMING

"I barely even moved," he said mockingly as her eyes rolled back and barely any sound got out of her wide open mouth. "Aww, you're so precious. You don't even need friction, you just need to be filled up," he added; and she didn't protest. She didn't argue. Truth be told, she wasn't even sure what exactly was he saying in the first place; all that mattered were his hands around her waist, and his cock inside of her, and his beautiful body towering over her.

holy fucking shit.

he should fist me one day

[rukistarz]

✩ STAR DIARY - entry four - 20.2.23 ✩

6:19 pm

im on day 9 of my liquid fast and the cravings are getting like…really bad. im not planning to give in, obviously, but i can’t help but feel like shit for wanting to eat already when i’ve barely made a dent in my fast, you know ? it makes me feel less than, and pathetic. but im so determined to prove myself wrong and show myself that i can continue on, ignore these stupid cravings and complete my fast like i planned. im tired of being a failure. i will reach my ugw, and i will be successful and happy.

im currently at my lowest weight (124.4), which is great, and it keeps dropping, but i still feel really really fat. like, i can physically feel all of the excess fat on my body and it makes me feel horrible. the thing is tho, it’s not just a feeling, it’s actually there. like, my love handles are still there and they obscure my body in a disgusting way way. my thighs are unbelievably huge, as well as my arms.

it’s ironic because when i was like, twenty pounds heavier, i thought i’d be so skinny at this weight. but im not. i feel like i will finally feel okay, and not so fat when i get to 110 and lower, because i haven’t seen anyone my height being fat at that size. though, the possibility is still there, if feeling fat and gross, you know ? idk

anyway, im going out with my best friend tomorrow, and im really excited for multiple reasons. we haven’t seen each other in over a month, so im looking forward to meeting again. my birthday was on the 1st feb, her’s is on the 29th, so we always meet up during the middle to have a joint b-day celebration, and we’ll be exchanging gifts too. im excited for her to see what i got her, because i really went all out, and im excited to see what she got me. i feel like she probably got me an album or something, which would be cool because i got her two, so we can unbox them together. i also got her other bits and bobs, and a really funny birthday card that i think she’ll thoroughly enjoy.

though, im not planning on eating anything tomorrow, obviously. and the worst thing is, that she knows about my ed, so she’ll probably know that things are bad. she won’t pry or anything, but i know that she’ll figure it out. i feel bad, because i usually omad when we go out, but i cant this time. im also really scared that i might trigger her one day in some way, because she also struggles with body image, too. like, i don’t vent about my ed to anyone, especially in depth, but she knows about it already, and she’ll see my weight-loss and me turning down food, you know ? i just don’t want her to experience anything like this ever.

we’re going to a cat cafe, and i think i might just order a hot chocolate and drink that and when we go out to get food, i’ll say it made me nauseous and i cant eat, or something. i could also say that im on my period, which makes the sickly feeling even worse, and much more believable. granted, im not sure if we’ll go get food after, anyway, because she said she’ll probably get a pastry there, and idk if she’ll feel hungry after that. but it’s whatever, i have my plan in mind. im also glad because we’ll be doing a bunch of window shopping and walking a lot, and i wanna burn a lot of cals from the hot chocolate, you know ?

✩ ✩ ✩ ✩ ✩ ✩

11:22 pm

my mind won’t stop thinking about something my sister said to me a few weeks back.

i was weighing myself and she walked in on me and decided to weigh in too, i was about 128 at that time, and she weighed in at about 180.

she said she wished that she was my size instead, but then went on to say that we’re not that far apart in weight.

which is true, however…that shit literally triggered me so bad.

like, does she think we look the same or something ?

like, no shade to her, i love her and all…it’s just, it fucked with me and it won’t leave my head.

honestly though, it’s crazy motivation because, she wants to lose weight, but refuses to change her eating habits. she always hounds me and my other sister (who has been going to the gym and eating healthily) for trying to lose weight (my family think im on a diet) and how it makes her feel insecure since we’re already skinny in her eyes.

i cant wait to see her again once im at my ugw and for her jaw to drop lmao, her as well as my other sister who’s trying to lose weight too, i want to surpass her and lose weight faster. i also want to be the skinniest in the family too, so this 100 day fast kinda like killing three birds with one stone.

✩ blessing you with a starry night, ruki ✩