#anyway uhh Jason art that’s cool

[redhelmetguy]

I kinda sorta really like Jason Todd guys

The text I stole from AM’s speech from I Have No Mouth And I Must Scream (it’s a short story so you should def read it but the speech I took from is actually from the game which you should also play)

As an American I’m just going to cope by drawing my favorite sillies and pretend like this country is burning from the inside out :)

If Jason Todd was here he’d assassinate those people trust 🙏

But It’s kinda funny how tthis whole situation has inspired me to start working out from spite of the elderly man with a poorly done spray tan. It’s also one step closer to my plan of becoming Jason Todd irl. Next I should work on the crime lord stuff.

Jasons story and stuff makes me so sad. And it makes me even sadder how badly DC fucks up his character. He has SO MUCH POTENTIAL but nooo they can’t use it for SHIT

Also ngl he had a reasonable crash out. Minus like a few things like the Titans Tower but I have a deep hatred for that comic so I ignore it :) in my canon, it does not exist.

Sigh. I’m so tired of everything. I hope you guys have a good rest of your day :>

[meruz]

Lightbox Expo 2023 is over!! Thank you to everyone who stopped by the table. I can't believe I sold out of both my sketchbooks AND my digimon fanbook... (multiple prints too?!)! I'm incredibly grateful... I will have a 2nd print run of both sketchbooks and online orders for the digimon book up in the next couple weeks so please keep an eye out for that!

More gushing abt the weekend under the cut

I sell at an average of idk... 3-4 events a year? So I would consider myself a frequent congoer though not necessarily full time lol. I'm a little jaded like it's not that I don't enjoy going to cons but theres definitely a bunch that feel like just-another-con-weekend to me lol, sometimes it's more work than play I guess. But this con felt really different! For the first time in a while I left a convention feeling really thrilled and giddy that I had been there. The kind of feeling I used to get when I would table at anime cons in highschool! And I think a lot of that is the people I met and talked to and the overall vibes at the event. Oh also I literally just had surgery and going to this con is like the only thing ive done this week besides lay in bed and play Story of Seasons on the nintendo switch and I thought I would be in pain and miserable but actually I HAD SO MUCH FUN...!!!! even when i skipped after-hours socializing every night to go home early and sleep 12 hours lol. SO ANYWAYS. YEAH. IT'S CORNY. BUT I wanna say thank you again to everyone who stopped by the table. Especially all the coworkers and long time mutuals who I met in person for the first time this weekend!! And the long time followers who told me they have been following me since homestuck or naruto or whenever. And college classmates who I haven't seen since graduation, crazy talented underclassmen who I'd never met but stopped by to say hi... So many people who absolutely made my day. SPECIAL thank you to my table partner Emi who is the best and such a good sport and accommodating to the point that I feel ridiculous when she thanks me for anything. And um also thank you to the artists who were cool and nice when I went up to their tables and blurted out 24917596 compliments in rapid succession. or only got one really awkward compliment out to LMAO... I felt so inspired and awe struck by everyone's work! God it was just so cool to be there. I LOVE ART....

Ok yeah thats it. its been a while since ive written a post-con blog post so earnestly lol.. here's my obscene haul photo I was buying stuff at this con like I was dying and couldn't take it with me LMAO.

I'm not gonna go tag everyone because I don't think everyones on tumblr but if you dont mind doing a little google search legwork: big x-men prints from chase conley, prints from jacki li/bguavas, azusa tojo, xanthe bouma, nicodaboy, susan yung, hormstuck, nessa tweneboah, linda liu, ash tahilan, zines also from jason dwyer, ash tahilan, aprilyn cunanan, veggiecakeface, deb lee, dune5and, uhh yoichi nishikawa art book and parakid calendar, stickers again from ash, marie lum, hormstuck, chiou, and emi hartana/crowlets OKAY I THINK I COVERED EVERYTHING THANKS FOR READING

[roguish-gallery]

Did you ever make that joker tier list, I always like seeing what people think of all the different ones. Though if they put Romero last I can no longer respect them.

LMAO I DID! I think I’ve made it kind of obvious in this blog but I... don’t... particularly... care... for... the joker.... unless he’s, y’know, fun to watch. Cause he’s a clown, and clowns are supposed to be entertaining. But since you politely brought it up, and and because I have a deep respect for mutual Romero-lovers, I guess this would be a good time to explain my rankings and just discuss my general thoughts on each clown:

General Thoughts:

For the most part, I don’t really care for the Joker. This is hardly an uncommon opinion here on tumblr, but I definitely fall on the side of the fandom that feels that he gets too much attention from DC. I get WHY they use him so often for films and comics, and I don’t have anything against *most* folks who consider them their favorite Batman villain, but at this point he’s used more for shock value and as a crutch instead of anything interesting. Like, instead of giving attention to the other Rogues, writers (at least for the comics) will try and make up some bullshit story that they can shoehorn the Joker into, ‘cause it sells. It’s tiring, and I feel like the character has lost his meaning; I can only read so many stories about the Joker, I don’t fucking know, wearing a suit made from dead babies and Jason Todd’s flayed corpse before I get sick of it.

I’m at the point where I’ll like any Joker who’s just fun to watch. I genuinely respect those who prefer darker interpretations of the character, but that isn’t me; I vastly prefer the lighthearted takes on him, because... at this point... writers who use the “cleaner” version of him tend to be more creative, since they actually have to write a Joker story that doesn’t rely on gore/torture porn.

TIER ONE:

Joker Baby: Self explanatory. Joker Baby is thematic, thoughtful, and intense. Everytime I watch this video, I shiver with fear and pleasure; something primal in me awakens whenever Joker Baby runs his fingers through his spray-on dyed hair, and ends up smearing green paint on his forehead- it represents the inner turmoil, the chaos, that resides within the disturbed body that is Joker Baby. Nothing can ever hope to top the artistic and cultural impact Joker Baby has had on society.

TIER TWO:

Batman Ninja: I genuinely believe that Batman Ninja is one of the most fun, organic, and creative things to come out from the Batman side of DC comics in like... hmmm... a decade, maybe (I could talk for hours about how much I love this movie but that’s something for a future post). This Joker is easily, and unironically my favorite interpretation of the character, period. I love his energy, his design, everything. This is the most fun I’ve ever had watching a Joker on-screen, and for that I’ve gotta give the film credit where it is due.

Batman ‘66: I looooove Caesar Romero. Batman ‘66 in general is one of my favorite pieces of Batman media, and I absolutely adore this Joker. The show is pure, genuine fun, and it’s nice to turn my brain off and watch a show where the entire cast was allowed to goof around. This Joker is just a cute, goofy little clown-man who likes to commit crimes, go surfing, turn Gotham’s water reserve into gelatin, and have wild orgies with Penguin, Catwoman, and the Riddler. I massively appreciate the hustle. I love his little mustache and his facial expressions. I’d give him a chaste little kiss on the cheek if I could.

The Batman: EXTREMELY CONTROVERSIAL TAKE BUT. I think TB!Joker is better than what people will give him credit for. I can only imagine how stressful it must have been to be the first Batman cartoon to follow BTAS and the writers for this show knew they were gonna be fucked no matter what they did with the Joker, so they just decided to try something completely different with him. Personally, I appreciate the new direction- he has a fun, unhinged energy. I’ve placed him higher than BTAS/BTNA!Joker simply because The Batman was the show that got me into the Rogues in the first place, and I’m just a bit closer to this Joker because of it. Also his vampire form was cool as FUCK in Batman Vs. Dracula and the scene where he gets drenched in blood at a blood bank is fucking awesome.

Batman the Animated Series/The New Adventures: Everyone loves BTAS’s Joker, and I’m no exception. Mark Hamill is fucking great, and the writers clearly knew the character well enough to create a version of him that can be fun and threatening. As an aside, I unironically like his redesign in BTNA- I remember Hamill mentioning somewhere that he thought it was neat that this Joker looked more like a shark (I’ll see if I can find a source on that... I think he said it in an interview with Kevin Smith?) and I kinda agree with him. the redesigns in the final season are hit or miss, but I didn’t get why so many people bitched about the Joker’s new look.

Batman Unlimited: Hear me out... Hear me out... Clown... funny... and cute... He wears a little crown and gives Solomon Grundy a little smooch on the cheek and it is as delightful as it sounds. Yes the Batman Unlimited films literally only exist to sell toys but that doesn’t mean I can’t enjoy them on some ironic level.

TIER THREE:

Lego Batman: He’s a gay icon. He has the range. Enough said.

White Knight: This is just a genuinely good, original take on the character, and the art in White Knight is absolutely gorgeous. 

Arkham: My friends and I joke that this Joker is basically a more unhinged version of BTAS! Joker and... yeah. I’m glad Hamill and Paul Dini got to fuck around with the character more, but I never really dwelled on the Joker parts of the games like I might have for other characters. I definitely liked him the most in Arkham Asylum, as he was more fun to watch. Arkham City was fiiiiine, but I think I replayed the game so much that I kinda got fatigued with everything about it. Genuinely hated his part in Origins, and I was pissed that he stole the attention from Black Mask and Bane (who’s the best fucking part of Origins IMO). I’ll admit that I... Haven’t... played... Knight yet (I have it on PC but my laptop is too wimpy to run it) but like... He’s dead at that point, so I’d assume he isn’t the main point of that game anyway. I love Mark Hamill and the fact I can personally beat the shit out of this Joker, so he’s ranked up pretty high for those reasons.

TIER FOUR:

Batman ‘89: TBH this Joker should be a rank higher, but I’m too lazy to hop onto PicsArt to change it. NIcholson was an excellent choice, and I apprecaite how this Joker makes use of the playful and unhinged aspects of the character. Also, his outfits are cute, and I love the museum scene.

Brave and the Bold: Technically this Joker SHOULD be ranked higher since he’s literally based on the more lighthearted comics in the 60′s but... ehhh... I haven’t really watched BATB so I don’t have any strong opinions on the show and how it handles the character. he’s ranked this high through beause I appreciate what they were going for.

Golden Age: The quality of comics are always subjective, based on the creative team behind them. Some I’ll like more, others less so, It’s kind of hard to rank the pre-52 comic version of the Joker because of this.

TIER FIVE:

Killing Joke: Read it, didn’t care for it. I acknowledge how massive the impact this comic had on... everything, but just because I recognize how important this graphic novel is, doesn’t mean I have to like it.

The Dark Knight: Ledger did an excellent job with the role, but uhh... I’m kind of sick of the alt-right chuds who are out there sucking this Joker’s dick. The fanbase definitely ruined the character for me.

TIER SIX:

99′: Eh

Endgame: No

Suicide Squad: NO

Death of the Family: Hate him. Despise him. Lame stupid dumb little edgy bitch.

Gotham (Jeremiah): I don’t particulary care for Gotham in general, but the only reason I ranked this Joker over Jerome is beause I thought it was kinda funny to see that they made him a little rat-man, and I liked watching all the fujoshi on here cry and complain that they can’t ship this version of the joker with the pre-pubescent Bruce Wayne in the show bc he’s too ugly.

Gotham (Jerome): stop shippping this freak (who is fucking eighteen years old) with a literal twelve year old child. what the FUCK is wrong with yall.

UNRANKED:

The Joker (2019): I don’t plan on watching this film, nor will I ever. I know this is ironic, coming from someone who runs a Rogue blog, but stuff that focuses primarily on a character’s deteriorating mental health makes me reaaaaallllllyyyyy anxious (it’s kind of a phobia) and considering that I don’t particularly the Joker, I have no reason to watch something I know will only give my dumb ADHD-ass intrusive throughts.

[onthepyre]

cats

the second part of this is basically what i did last night but connor is a lot braver than me. anyway.

Evan does this at least once a week.

He gets home, and for whatever reason, whether it be the smile Connor gave him during lunch that lasted a bit too long or that romantic-looking restaurant he walked by on the way home, he's feeling sappy.  And he walks straight to his room, lays down on the floor, and listens to Cavetown.

The amount of time Evan spends on the floor is directly proportional to how many times he caught Connor looking at him during science class. Sometimes he counts; the record so far is 23 times in one class period. He spent two hours on the floor that day, staring at the ceiling.  

As soon as he's home, he's settled on his carpet with the soft sounds of a guitar playing in his headphones.  It's peaceful, quiet. There are only a few things that Evan thinks about, and number one on his list is how much better it would be if Connor was here.

His heart talks about Connor a lot.  His mind objects, but Evan's heart seems to beat with his name.  Connor Murphy Connor Murphy Connor Murphy.  Evan never gets tired of it.  His heart talks about Connor's hair, his eyes, his smile, his hands-

Don't get him started on Connor's hands.

Evan has watched Connor draw before.  The style of his art matches him well.  It's sharp, fast, messy, perfect. But when he's drawing, Evan watches Connor's hands rather than the piece. 

They're fluid.  They glide.

Connor Murphy does not glide.  He stomps, he runs, he marches, but he does not glide.  But when he's drawing, his hands float. They look the same, as angular as Connor himself, but they're different.  Softer. Evan figures Connor's face is the same, but he's always been too focused to look.

Evan often considers what Connor's hands feel like.  They look strong, but Evan is certain they're lighter than they seem.  He wonders what it would be like to hold Connor's hand. Is he one of those people that would hang on too tight?  Would he barely touch Evan's hand? Would he be grossed out by Evan's sweaty palms?

Evan also, more tentatively, thinks about Connor's hands on his face.  In his hair. Looped around his waist. These thoughts, of course, are more focused on where Connor's mouth would be at the moment, but there is attention to his hands then, too.

And Connor's mouth.  Of course. His lips are always chapped and often bleeding because Connor picks at them when he gets bored and Evan knows this because he stares at Connor during French class and he knows Connor hates French.  Connor bites his lips a lot, too. It isn't meant to be nearly as swoon-worthy as it makes Evan feel, but it nearly breaks him every time Connor chews on his lip. Evan's fairly certain this is something he does when he's bored, too, although it might be a nervous habit.

Connor has a lot of nervous habits, from what Evan's seen.  He spins his pen, taps his foot, braids little strands of his hair — the list goes on.  Evan knows each and every one of them.

—— 

Connor has his own sort of ritual.  After begging Zoe to stop at Tim Hortons so they could get coffee, he sits at the window in the den and watches Law & Order SVU.  He had never seen it until Zoe showed him the John Mulaney bit about Ice-T and now he's addicted. It's a problem.

Unbeknownst to either, Connor's SVU marathons are the equivalent of Evan's Cavetown sessions.  Evan thinks about Connor and Connor thinks about Ice-T. And Evan. Mostly Evan. 

Connor has a thing for the way Evan talks.  He knows that Evan himself hates it and most of the school thinks he's annoying, but Connor thinks it's adorable.

Evan has to say exactly what he wants to say, and if he messes it up, he will start over.  He messes up a lot.  It doesn't help that sometimes his tongue catches on words and he gets stuck on a certain sound and has to go back to the beginning of the sentence.  It takes active listening to understand what he's saying but it makes Connor melt.

That's the thing that makes Connor think so hard.  He's supposed to be the mopey badass, the scary emo, the aloof rebel-without-a-cause.  He has a reputation to uphold, even if it's less punk and more school shooter (okay, less punk and more sad).  He may be openly bisexual, yes, but he shouldn't be falling for a tiny tree-obsessed nerd.  

And the fact that Evan of all people is the one his heart decided on is, well, bad.  Connor's too worried that Evan isn't into him to do anything other than stare and Evan can't take a fucking hint.  Connor may think his cluelessness is cute, but it's also really inconvenient.  Connor thinks a lot of things about Evan are cute but inconvenient.

Evan is really, really good at accidentally blocking people's paths and then moving out of the way at the same time the other person does, thus blocking them again.  Evan hates it and Connor thinks it's funny. If it goes on for long enough, Evan starts blushing, and Connor starts falling apart.

And oh my god, when Evan blushes.  It's not like it's uncommon, Evan is both awkward and incredibly aware of it, but Connor still thinks it's adorable.  It brings out his freckles and colors the tops of his ears pink. If Evan is especially embarrassed, he'll try to hide in his hands, but his fingertips are always tinged with the same rose-colored mortification. 

Connor's thoughts drift as he pulls out his phone and scrolls through instagram, but Evan is still there in the back of his mind.  He's always there, no matter what Connor is doing. He spots Evan in the shadows created by the trees in the backyard; sees Evan's worried smile on his mother's face; catches himself doodling Evan's silhouette in the background of drawings. Evan, Evan, Evan.

Connor's phone buzzes in his hand as he scrolls past a collection of Bee Movie memes.  He opens the message, noting it's from Evan.

hhey

He's still typing, but Connor replies anyway.

whats up

The typing bubble disappears for a moment, then pops back up

what r u duing

Connor takes a moment to grin at the misspelling before he responds.

watching svu

do u eanna come see cats with ne 

uhh?? no but absolutely yes im coming, what time

theres a show jn half an hour 

cool see you then

Connor tucks his phone into his pocket and pulls his hands through his hair.  He's going on a date. With Evan. But it's not a date, his mind says.  Connor ignores it.

He's out the door in no time, stopping only to grab a half-eaten bag of twix and shove it in the pocket of his hoodie.  

——

Evan arrives at the theater before Connor does, and sits down next to a claw machine after buying his ticket.  He thinks about texting Connor, but his energy for starting conversations is nearly gone — he barely stuttered his way through asking for a medium popcorn, so he's decided to recharge for a bit while he waits for Connor.

Connor bursts through the door a few minutes later, then stops to look around.  He breaks into a smile when he spots Evan, who lifts his hand in a tired wave. Evan watches Connor talk to the woman at the ticket booth, then the man at the concession stand.  He approaches Evan with a bag of Sprees in his hand.  

"Hey," he says.

"Hi."

"I know Sprees are the worst, but they're the only food that seems to last past the previews, so."  Evan nods, trying to hide the already partially eaten bag of popcorn sitting next to him. "Well, shall we?" Connor reaches down to pull Evan up from the bench.  Evan smiles as thanks, but Connor doesn't let go of his hand. His mind moves at the speed of light, even though there are only two thoughts in his head: Connor Connor Connor and hand.

Connor holds onto him all the way to the screening room, where he tugs Evan into the back row.  He drops Evan's hand as they sit. Connor drops the Sprees into the cupholder on his left and pulls out the Twix, which he starts inhaling immediately.

When the movie starts, there's only one other person in the room: an old man in the front row, who Connor insists is Andrew Lloyd Webber himself, and it's not an issue if they talk because Webber started this whole fiasco and deserves to hear their "critiques."  

The moment the first cat appears on the screen, Connor is laughing.  "Why does she have boobs?" he whispers.  

"Connor!" 

"If they're going to give her boobs, she should have six, not two."

"Connor, talk quieter!"

"Are we supposed to be attracted to the cats?"

Defeated, Evan drops his face into his hands while Connor cackles next to him.  

They make it to Rum-Tum-Tugger without any other mishaps, but as soon as the new cat starts singing, Connor loses it again.  

"Why is he wearing a fur coat?  That's terrifying!"

"What?" 

"You'd be scared if you saw someone wearing a coat made of skin."  Evan looks over at him with a desperate expression on his face.

"Connor, please," he begs, "let's just… let's appreciate cat Jason Derulo."

Connor nods, still wheezing, and calms down a bit.  Until cat Jason Derulo whips off his fur coat in a display of his cat muscles.

Connor drops his head onto Evan's shoulder.  "I can't do this," he says through a fit of giggles.  

But Evan is more focused on the fact that Connor's head is on his shoulder oh my god.  And Evan hears Connor's foot tap, tap, tapping on the floor.  Nervous habit. And once again, Connor's hand finds his. 

"Gotta ground myself.  Make sure we're not dead, y'know."  So Evan, with as much bravery as he can muster, squeezes Connor's hand.  And Connor squeezes back.

But Connor doesn't move.  He stays there, his head on Evan's shoulder, his hand in Evan's hand.  And Evan can't focus on the movie anymore. He eventually picks his head up to laugh at Mr. Mistoffelees, but Connor hangs onto Evan's hand for the rest of the movie.  He's soft, softer than Evan expected, and evidently doesn't mind his sweaty palms, so Evan doesn't complain.

As the credits roll, Evan gathers the bits of courage he has left and look over at Connor.  "Is, uh, was this, like a date? Or did I, um, completely misinterpret what's- did I misunderstand this? B-because-"

Connor cuts him off.  "Do you want this to be a date?" He's quiet, much quieter than normal.

Evan's voice is even smaller when he answers.  "Um. Yeah." He stares down at his free hand, trying to avoid the one Connor still has a firm grip on.

"Great.  Then it was a date."  Evan can hear the smile in Connor's voice.  He looks up, and Connor is beaming, and Evan can hear his foot tapping the floor again.  And Connor's hand is on his jaw and Evan is leaning forward and their lips are pressed together.

It's different than Evan had imagined.  Slower. Gentler. But he's kissing Connor Murphy and Connor Murphy is kissing him back.

Evan is the first to pull away.  He knows his face is a bright shade of pink, but he doesn't really care.  His phone buzzes in his pocket.

"Oh, uh, my mom's here."  He thinks he sees Connor's face fall for half a second, but he isn't sure. 

"Oh.  Alright.  See you soon."  

Evan leans over and pecks his cheek.  "Thanks."

[i-am-masterkittens]

You better prepare yourself cause these are Quite A Few Questions 👀👀 3, 4, 11, 12, 15, 21, 23, 31, 33, 39 and lastly 40. Wow. 11 questions lmao

Thank you so much 😭😭❤

3. rant. just do it (I am going to put my whole ass rant under the cut because BOY IS IT LENGTHY. Also tw child abuse, pedophilia, self-harm and I think that’s it.)

4. do you think its ok to separate the artist from the art? No? Like I guess if you want to, that’s fine, I’m not gonna hate you for it, but for me personally I’m gonna try to avoid it as much as possible. If a bad person creates a masterpiece, I’m still not gonna support them.

11. what unusual talent do you have? Uhh mild body contortion? Like I can’t touch my toes for the life of me but I can twist my body really weirdly and bend all my fingertips backwards by a lot. I love freaking people out by doing that.

12. what’s the most interesting schools gossip you’ve ever heard? I have audio-based problems meaning I have trouble understanding someone when they speak and also remembering what they said, so I can eavesdrop on the juiciest gossip and forget the next day. However, I do remember this one thing about some kid named Evan being a vampire, which I distinctly remember because Jake talked about it, but I don’t remember how it came up.

15. what’s a question do you constantly get asked? One would think it would be “omg are you left handed?” Or something similar, but I don’t think anyone’s ever asked me about it. One question I do get a lot is from my boyfriend, “why are you so cute?” It makes me shy and I have to hide my face.

21. what’s a conspiracy you believe in? That there are Warrior cats living somewhere in the world (from the warrior series). Which I guess isn’t a conspiracy, but I believe in it!

23. if you could break one of your bad habits which would you choose? The inability to take care of myself. I mean, if someone wasn’t there to remind me every day, I would never remember to take my medicine, or brush my teeth before bed, or even get dressed half the days. I wouldn’t call it lazy, it’s more of a “I’m too tired to take care of myself”. That’s mental illness for you babey!!

31. you can change one thing in your life right now. what are you changing? OH. I would totally delete every disease in the world. This whole quarantine thing is making me sick physically, emotionally, and mentally, because I am not allowed outside at all and the lack of fresh air, meeting people, and vitamin D is stressing me out and well I feel bad almost all the time now. Not to mention all the cool stuff I was gonna do for my 2020 graduation. 😔

33. what do you think about a lot I sometimes wonder if my best friend would let me call him Jakey or Jakie as a nickname but I’m too shy to ask because I am baby.

39. describe your asthetic Okay so I call it “Pretty-Cryptid, Baby-Softcore.” Because I am baby AND a cryptid. I’ll be eating baby carrots from the bag and staring out the window one minute then I’ll want to be snuggled under lots of blankets the next. I also really love pretty things and colors. Pastel purples and blues? Hell yeah! Pats on the head? I love you. A demon with ethereal vibes and pretty jewelry is standing next to me in bed and telling me everything’s going to be okay? OGHOHOHHHHGH ❤❤❤❤ Anyway I want a pretty monster dad, please?

40. answer with one of your ‘school memes’ (inside jokes you have with your class/grade) with no explanation Mr. Wise.

Here’s my rant:

The basis of it all is just that I would probably sleep forever if I could.

I guess that isn’t all quite a rant, so I’ll start of on a mild note. What the fuck is happening to my dreams? I’ve been having these weird ass dreams about people taking care of me and genuinely wanting to become a parental figure to me. They all wear masks, two of which look exactly like SCP-035 and SCP-049, but there’s this one dude, I don’t know him, but he wears this mask with holes in it. Apparently his name is Jason? This isn’t the first time I’ve had a dream about someone who I didn’t know existed, I’ve also had dreams about Monika from DDLC before I knew who she was, and even about how she died. It was creepy as fuck, and I sure hope my dreams don’t come true because I’ve had dreams of the future more than once.

Now that that’s out of the way, let’s get into the heavy stuff, starting with my parents.I know I’m not the only person to have shitty parents, but that doesn’t stop them from being shitty. And before I get into anything, please please, please don’t report them to anyone. It’s probably weird to hear considering all they’ve done, but the guilt will probably kill me literally, and I still kinda love them, I mean they’re my parents and they took care of me. I don’t want anything to happen to them, and I don’t want to have to hurt myself because I did something to them, even if it was indirectly.

It used to be physical abuse, but it’s evolved into verbal as I grew up. Whenever I used to get in trouble, I would get so fucking terrified of what was going to happen to me. My dad, who was mostly absent from my life, (hence my constant wishing for a fictional character to be my dad, and probably a HUGE factor for what’s happening to my dreams lately) was also the most heavy handed with the hitting. He would spank me so hard that I would be crying and my butt would be red for hours. And it was so SO obvious that he liked my sister more than me, because it was always me who ended up with the red butts, and she’d get away with a loud yelling at. Meanwhile my mom would just hit me wherever she could with whatever she could, including a wire coat hanger when she was doing laundry.

And I recognize that I was a problem child, both physically and mentally because of my internal deformities that cause a lot of health problems, but also my weird boyish mentality and energy (I was into roughhousing a lot). But even then, just yelling would be enough to make me stop. Hitting me the way they did only made me learn how to lie to them and hide when I did something wrong.

This sort of stuff went on until about middle school, where it turned into more verbal threats about kicking me out of the house, as well as calling me names and making comments that dropped my self esteem very low, including stupid cow, bitch, and even telling me to hide my body and never wear bikinis or short shorts or crop tops (which I was already sensitive enough about because of my scars and the bump in my abdomen because of my knotted intestines, which gives me digestive issues if I eat too much). Dad almost completely dropped off the disciplinary train, only yelling at me extremely loudly when he got angry, but other than that I did pretty much nothing with him.

Because of them I’ve become extremely paranoid when it comes to touches that aren’t meant to be 100% comforting, and I’ve never been able to fully trust anyone for fear of getting hurt, (I’m sorry Jake :( if it makes you feel better though I trust you the most out of anyone else) and I get nervous when speaking up because I always got shot down by my parents.

It’ll be okay though because I have my boyfriend who I’ll get to live with soon, even if it’s just for the summer.

This isn’t everything that they’ve done, but it’s the majority of it, and even though they do good stuff with me sometimes, like my dad cooks breakfast or takes us out to eat, or we all go on nice vacations together, and it makes me feel guilty that I’m making them look bad, and worry that I’m oversharing or being too sensitive, but then I remember what they do and have done, and remind myself that I’ll only visit during holidays.

When I was 13, I came into contact with a pedophile. My first one out of at least 2 that I remember. I’m going to spare the details, but he tried to roleplay sexual situations with him, and convince me to undress in front of him, and that’s when I cut contact with him, and faked my death. I’m so, SO fucking sick of pedos, and pedo apologists, saying there’s nothing wrong with the age difference, when pedophilia has done nothing good to or for children. It gave me severe PTSD, to the point that I can’t say any words relating to reproduction, and visual-based sexual content will cause me to have flashbacks and panic attacks and cause me to scratch myself. Thanks pedos! Fucking hate you all! Please die.

And before people say I am overreacting, I’ve had this huge trigger since I was 13 and that is not something a kid should go through. And the reason why not a lot of people know about what happened, it’s because of the fear that I harbored, that people would laugh at me, and might use my triggers against me, which made things even worse, and it wasn’t until my boyfriend triggered me (accidentally) that I finally told someone, and it made me feel better that I could rely on him.

Other than that, another rant is about my boyfriend. I mean, he’s a good boyfriend, and he’s nice, but sometimes he comes off as insensitive and it makes me upset. That’s most of the reasons why we fight. Another big thing is lack of affection/attention, which might seems strange since we’re always hanging out, it seems, and cuddling, but sometimes he falls asleep on me and I get bored and don’t know what to do, or sometimes he ignores me to play video games or talk to other people. I am very touch starved so I need constant attention and contact or else I get worried, and I don’t know if he knows this or not, but he definitely comes off as ignorant sometimes. 

He makes up for a lot of stuff he does, but it doesn’t make what he did go away, and I wish he’d realize that and change because he keeps making the same mistakes.

My last rant is going to be about myself, and that I feel like a shit person! I feel like I always make things worse! I feel bad for every decision I make! I feel like I’m too clingy to my boyfriend and that I ask too much of him sometimes, and it makes me feel like shit because what I want and how I feel afterwards are different things and wow! Time for scratches! Also I want to have the power to always know what to do and say to make everyone happier and feel better! But then I get scared I’m gonna make a mistake and instead of trying to help I ignore them and go wow! I am a very shit person for ignoring them! And now my heart hurts because I got another heart palpitation by panicking! Wow I have a shit body! My heart deformities might kill me in my sleep! Wow! I am so insecure about everything I do and every way I look. I just want to become small and disappear sometimes. I miss you Jake. It’s hard for me to tell you I love you because it’s such an intimate phrase and my boyfriend was the first to hear it from me. But I’m glad you’re the second, even though we were so close to it. Somewhere in an alternate universe we’re together, and that makes me happy. I hope I we can become platonically intimate again, I remember holding your hand at night and it made me feel a little bit better at that camp.

My body just always hurts. I have to take a lot of medicine, and between all my heart, lung, and intestinal issues, on top of all my mental issues, majority of which have gone undiagnosed because my mom is in denial and refuses to get me to any sort of therapy; all of that combined makes me tired constantly, and I just always have stress, and a little headache in the back of my head.

I’m still hurting a lot, but I hope to get better. I have lots of ideas for the future, and I want to complete them before I go. I hope I make it past 2020, with many of you in tow.

I’m so tired.

I’m sorry if I made you sad.

[shadowofmoths]

1-8

1. What do you identify as and what are your pronouns?iii am a gender nonconforming (? yes? maybe? still feelin out that label) trans guy, and my pronouns are he/him/his and xe/xem/xyrs! also im bi, probably

2. How did you discover your sexuality, tell your story?uh ok so i saw my friend talkin abt being bi and i was like “wait yea” and then i was like “wait no” and then i went thru like 6 other labels and then i saw david alleyne in young avengers saying he was bi and i was like WAIT YEA. and then w being trans i was just like “hm existence is Weird whats Up” and went thru a gazillion labels again until i was like o wait shit i didnt think abt being Boy yea that ones it

3. Have you experienced being misgendered? What happened and how did you overcome it?uhh im gonna skip this one bc i want this 2 b good vibes zone 

4. Who was the first person you told, how did they react?i honestly…dont remember??????? probs some friends i think i was jus like “hey im boy” and they were like “cool! lov u!” it was p chill bc ,, they had already come out to me, ajshgfds5. Describe what it was like coming out, what did you feel?im still not all the way out (thats kind of a summer goal fr me tbh) but like…i h8 coming out tbh its so nerve wracking and awkward and gross and i just hate that u actually have to make it a Thing instead of jsut being “can u call me jason pls” bc like w my art school friends i never rlly even had to come out to them we just. were good at indirectly communicating abt those things and it was gr8! so i just like, hate having to make it a Discussion yknow

6. If you’re out, how did your parents/guardians/friends react?my friends have been great!!!! so so so great. i have been very blessed. the worst response id gotten was like, i sent a coming out post to my group chat and one guy was just “ok whatever” but like he wasnt my friend anyway so asdkjgds

7. What is one question you hate people asking about your sexuality?for my gender i hate like “well how would you know if youre a guy” like shut the fuck up go away. and honestly havent gotten weird questions abt being bi other than “but why do u need a label?” which, like, isnt smth u can explain to cishets i think :/ 8. Describe the style of clothing that you most often wear.i would call it like….masc/androgynous slouchy goth? or my mom called me a cuddlegoth once bc i wear a lot of big scarves nd oversized sweaters in the winter. my summer goth look is Just Suffering. ALSO in the summer i basically dont wear shirts w sleeves. jus those like, douchey tank tops you know the ones. 

[starryrein143]

Who's the strongest in Fairy Tail?

Who’s the strongest in Fairy Tail? [NaLu Oneshot] By: StarryRein143

Description: Who is Fairy Tail’s Strongest Mage? Hear it from it’s most powerful members. It appears that they have one person in mind.. One shot. Hint of NaLu.. I don’t own Fairy Tail nor its characters

Normal POV

Who is Fairy Tail’s strongest Mage? That’s the question in mind of Sorcerer Weekly’s reporter and writer, Jason. His nerves were tingling with excitement and enthusiasm as he entered the building of Fiore’s former number 1 guild, Fairy Tail. With a notepad, pencil and camera in hand, he roamed the place in hope to interview a famous member and mage. He already has a draft full of questions to ask some specific mages.

For example, what is Erza’s favorite armor? What is Gray’s favorite shirt? What kind of fire does Salamander mostly prefer? For Cana, what rare occasion is she not drunk? What kind of music does Laxus listen to? What is Levy’s favorite book? What’s the hardest S-Class mission did Gildarts ever take? (If he’s around that day) How many photoshoots had Mira gone to? Did Gajeel ever had a crush? Or what is Juvia’s favorite look? (Since she has many versions of herself)

He have so many questions he wanted to ask but only has such rare opportunity to actually come at the guild. Since it’s main members were trapped for 7 years and then it was disbanded for a year, Jason never had the chance. This was a one time deal. Given that the guild reunited, the Alvarez fiasco had ended, and he was actually given permission by Master Makarov himself, he was not gonna waste his chance. He’s finally going to ask the question that’s been bothering everyone. Who actually is the strongest mage in Fairy Tail?

Scanning the guild, his eyes landed on a table just infront of the bar. There sat a group of Fairy Tail’s famous mages; namely Natsu ‘Salamander’ Dragneel, Erza ‘Titania’ Scarlet, Gray Fullbuster, Wendy Marvell, the exceeds, Gajeel Redfox, Levy Mcgarden, and Cana Alberona.

As usual, Salamander was eating like there’s no tomorrow. Across him was Erza who was talking and sitting next to Cana that was currently drunk. Next to Natsu was Gray, on his boxers, throwing insults at the pink haired dragonslayer. Wendy’s beside him, chatting happily with Carla, Pantherlily and Happy. Lastly, Gajeel was munching on iron while sitting across Levy who was engrossed on a book she was reading. With no second thoughts, he made his way to their table.

“COOOOOOOL!! CAN I INTERVIEW YOU ALL? SO COOL!” the energetic representative of Sorcerer Weekly shouted, taking pictures of the shocked mages. They were all giving him awkward smiles and glances. Also glares, in Natsu and Gajeel’s case.

“Uhh, sure?” Gray was the one who answered, knowing full well that no one else would.

“Cool, Cool, Cool!” The next half hour was filled with questions being thrown and answered. The Fairy Tail Mages tried their best to show their willingless and enthusiasm while responding to Jason’s almost ridiculous questions. They tried to keep up. But the reporter easily overpowered them. They did have a couple of minutes for break when he left them to interview Mira and the Thunder Legion just at the bar. They weren’t able to enjoy the peace his absence brought since he returned 5 minutes later with another round of questions.

“So Coool! Erza-san what’s your favorite snack?” The scarlet mage’s eyes twitched in annoyance.

“Strawberry Cake.”

“COOL! What’s your hobby?”

“Shopping and eating strawberry cake.”

“Cool! Cool! Two people in the guild that works perfectly together?”

“Natsu and Lucy.” The mentioned pyro smirked at the requip mage’s answer. He was proud that even the Erza Scarlet recognizes their teamwork and chemistry.

“Wow! So coool! What’s you-”

“Umm, Jason-san. I apologize but we can’t entertain you any further. You see, we’re gonna take a mission.” Erza cut him off before he could launch anymore annoying questions. She tried to sound polite but it ended up more like a threat. The reporter didn’t seem to notice her tone as the grin on his face didn’t falter.

“Is that so? One last question then. It’s for all of you!” Jason shouted, succeeding in catching everyone’s attention. He wasn’t the slight intimidated by the stares. He wanted so badly to know their answer.

“Who’s the strongest mage in Fairy Tail?” Murmurs and whispers erupted around the place. All have suggestions, some have specific people in mind. Fairy Tail is a home of many strong mages after all. They haven’t thought of that, though. Never once crossed their mind. Now that someone asked it, they can’t help but wonder.

“Who else? Lucy of course!” The pink haired dragonslayer shouted. By this time, all eyes turned to him but he can care less. He kept on eating, not minding the stares he received. He wasn’t taking back what he said either. He meant it.

“Lucy-san?” Jason’s eyes twinkled in recognition. He did worked with her for more than 9 months the year of Fairy Tail’s disbandment. He never actually thought of her as the strongest.

“Yup! She’s the strongest mage in Fairy Tail! At least for me, she is.” Feeling the embarrassment, he scratched the back of his neck but didn’t dropped the wide grin on his face. Good thing the mentioned Celestial Mage was nowhere to be found. Probably still at home, writing or reading.

“I’m with Flame Brain on this one. And that’s something since i don’t normally agree with this idiot.” Gray spoke after half a minute of silence.

“I need to agree with these imbeciles. Lucy is certainly the strongest among us.” It was Erza’s time to speak. She was calmly eating her Strawberry cake, a look of pleasure on her face.

“Bunny girl sure is something. She’s the only one i tortured who had the guts to talk back to me. Seriously, Salamander there is rubbing off on Bunny girl. Stubborn as nail.” The iron dragonslayer chuckled, ignoring the glare being sent to him from the other side of the table. From a certain pink haired pyro.

“So Cooool!! What makes Lucy-san strong? Does she train till she drops? Blows mountains? Swim with sharks?” A few sweatdropped at his suggestions.

“What makes Luce strong? Experience and trauma most probably.” Natsu said like it was the most obvious thing, earning him confused looks from his guildmates.

“What?”

“Well, Lucy’s strong physically but she’s stronger emotionally and mentally. She experienced a lot already. From losing her mother, being neglected by her father, running away from home, losing her last blood relative, sacrificing her first friend, then be alone for a whole year. She was traumatized but still held on. She still cries herself to sleep but managed to smile everyday at the guild. I know since i’m always the one to comfort her at night.” Everyone was at awe on what he said. They always thought that Lucy was a ball of sunshine. They should have known that she was still hurting.

“Aye sir! Lushii’s always the one who cheers everyone up whenever we lose hope! Her positive aura always creates a carefree atmosphere. She never gave up! She’s also kind and sweet. Most of all, she gives me free fish!” The blue feline declaired, joining his partner as he proved his point.

“Luce’s the strongest because she never holds a grudge! She’s willing to give up her happiness for everyone’s and most of all, she has a heart of gold! Fairy Tail would never be Fairy Tail without Lucy! Despite everyone going their separate ways, she never gave up on the guild and held on. She kept tabs of everyone and reunited the guild! She’s the reason why we’re all here. She did something not Erza, Laxus, Metal Freak, Gildarts, Ice Princess nor I can do. She deserves the title as Strongest since she’s the Light of Fairy Tail!” Natsu finished his speech, almost everyone was staring at him with widened eyes and jaws dropped. Erza, Gray, Wendy, Laxus, Mira, Cana, Juvia, Levy, the exceeds and Gajeel were the ones who wasn’t the slightest shocked. They knew what Lucy was capable of. They knew what she gone through.

Erza and Gray knew how positive Lucy is. How stubborn she can be. Whenever someone’s in need, she’s the first one to lend a helping hand. Levy, Mira, Wendy and Carla knew how kind and loving the Celestial Mage is. They’re willing to bet that she has the biggest heart in the guild. Juvia, Laxus and Gajeel knew how forgiving she is. They’ve done bad things to her but she didn’t hesitate to forgive them. As the pyro said, she has a heart of gold. Lastly, Cana knew how helpful and understanding she is. Lucy helped her with her daddy issue. She would never have the courage to tell Gildarts the truth if it wasn’t for Lucy. The Celestial Mage had done so much for Fairy Tail. She’s just to busy degrading herself to see..

“Being strong doesn’t require physical strength and endurance. Sometimes, the strongest isn’t actually the strongest. They’re the ones who have the biggest heart and understanding. As Natsu said, being strong isn’t just about physical, but also emotional, mental and spiritual. I have to agree with these brats. Lucy is the strongest Fairy Tail Mage. Even though she cried the most tears, broke the most times, experienced the most heart ache, she still held on and never gave up. She sacrificed but moved on, beaten but forgave, and was left alone but accepted everyone back. Lucy done so much to earn that title.” The master of Fairy Tail announced, earning applause from the guild. It seems that the guild had made a decision.

“Good Morning, Everyone!” The subject of their conversation emerged from the door, all smiles and cheer. An innocent look in her eyes that signifies that she doesn’t know a thing.

“Eh?” The Celestial Mage froze, seeing that all eyes were on her now. She didn’t have the slightest clue on why she has their attention.

“Lucy-san!” The blonde blinked at the energetic reporter, still confused.

“Jason Senpai?! What are you doing here?”

“Just an interview. Well, i better go now! I already got the answers to all my question anyways. Those articles won’t write for themselves!” Jason shouted, giving the dazed blonde a short hug before running out of the guild. Lucy was left in her position, clueless as ever.

“What just happened..?”

“Luce! Let’s go on a mission!” The pyro yelled, coming from behind Lucy. The blonde shrieked and instinctively threw a punch at the dragonslayer. Natsu caught her wrist effortlessly and dragged her to the request board. Laughter erupted at the guild hall as everyone watched the duo interact.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A week later..

“Lucy. Are you alright?” Mira asked as she eyed the blonde who slumped down on the bar stool.

“Yeah. Do i have something on my face? People kept on looking at me on my way here! Some were even whispering and pointing!”

“Oh, my. Have you read this week’s issue of Sorcerer’s weekly?” The barmaid asked which made the blonde raised an eyebrow.

“No, why?” Mira smiled, handing Lucy a magazine. The Celestial Mage eyed the she-devil suspiciously but took it. Reading the cover, her chocolate brown eyes almost bulged out in disbelief.

“Lucy Heartfilia was confirmed to be the Strongest Mage in Fairy Tail—What the hell?!”

***

This was posted a while back in another website. Hope you enjoyed! 😘❤💋