#anyway this is me laughing to cope when im actually bawling rn??? this is the worst pain ive felt in my life

[billysgirllol]

"no wonder, cause you're makin' it all about you and not givin' me a SECOND to explain it or talk about my own feelings." she jabbed her finger deep into his chest, that the reason she just froze when that moment happened, a horrible fear of losing him if they became more had taken over in the heat of the moment. was she not allowed to be scared of it? but why does it matter now, he just put a dagger through a once inseparable bond between them himself. "what do you mean you started changin' into a different person a long time ago? what i think... you've just hung around your asshole friends for too long. y'know, jesse and the other useless ones. goin' to detention all the time, getting in trouble. and drinkin' like them, too. now you're even actin' JUST like jesse, too." another thing to dawn on her, that's where he must be getting this ugly attitude from. it seemed so familiar to them.

"yeah, just leavin' your little brother behind too." luckily, he'll still have her and maude ivory to be around. but how awful, he seemed to care less about that factor as well. "that's not what i remember. they weren't just little girl dreams for me. and no, i don't." she gritted her teeth, "i happen to love life the way it is. you make savin' lives of horses sound so pointless, you really are just like jesse now. maybe i still want to take care of horses, be with my family, maybe even be a teacher one day and sing with the covey on the weekends. just because all the mundane things in life are pointless to you now, because you want to act like jesse now, doesn't mean i've changed like you and find everything around me so inferior." what was wrong with wanting a normal life? where did he suddenly develop a stuck up attitude from?

"town's got nothin' to do with it, not a damn thing to do with it. life is what you make it, maybe the problem's just you. suddenly bein' the most cynical person I KNOW." which was more ways that was unlike him, if this is who he wanted to change into, she didn't want to know him anymore anyway. "i did, though!" she blurts. have interest, but that... that made her brain lose all sanity, him accusing her of playing 'GAMES'. "i never played any games, I'M not the phony YOU'VE been all these years. i came over here in the first place to tell you something." that she made her mind up, that she came to apologize for making it seem like she didn't love him back when it was the entire opposite.

"but nevermind all of it since you got no INTEREST in what i have to say, ASSHOLE." repeating what he just said to her a few seconds ago, those asshole words of him shoving off what she had to say. for that she'll never tell him what she was afraid to that night then, since that's what he wishes for. he can just think about it and guess what she was going to for the REST of his life as she bends down to clutch gravels into her palms and throws the pile of small rocks at him. "leave!" it was his land, but she wanted him to get out of her sight before she did worse than throw gravels at his torso and legs. she will do worse. the rage striking through her being and pain made her temples feel like they were going to burst out of her skull as she dug into her yellow sundress pockets, throwing the bracelets she made for him initially as an apology at him next, unclasping the heart locket around her neck that had the picture of them as little kids inside of it to lastly throw because she didn't want it anymore after having it all these years. the person in the picture didn't exist anymore. what good was it? but realized a second later she didn't want him to have the advantage to see her starting to cry as the tears started pouring over tanned cheeks, so lucy gray turned anyway and started running up the long haul back to her home. the same field she'd been running up and down for years, made the tears burn harder and pour faster, suffocation taking over her chest– that this would be the last time she did. everything she'd known was over. the heat lightning and a brewing thunderstorm rumbling in the sky somewhere in the distance while the sun still hung over them was relevant to the storm that was destructing her mind right now. she lost the only person she only ever loved and didn't know if she'd make it all the way home without crying uncontrollably at the loss of her entire life. he was her entire life and it ended so abruptly, how was she supposed to move on and just be the same? she'd never trust another person again.

“oh, yeah? well, i have a hard time believin’ that.” pale blue eyes cold and unforgiving as they peer down at the petite brunette, billy has already managed to convince himself that lucy gray has been playing with him for the past few months — sending conflicting signals, agreeing to go to prom and dancing with him all night only to rip his heart out of his chest and stomp on it hours later. he refuses to play her game, which is why he adds, “i don’t think i’m interested what you have to say. i’ve already made up my mind.” and she’s made up hers, clearly. if he softens again, she’ll take advantage of it and nothing will ever change. he’ll be stuck in this state of unrequited love for the rest of his life. he can’t let that happen. “a stick up my behind? honestly, lucy gray? this town is suffocating. it’s been sucking the life out of me for years. call that whatever you want, but i am tired in more ways than one and can’t wait to leave it all behind.” there’s a lucy gray shaped crater in his heart, the wound that’s still fresh and bleeding, but he has to try and move on with his life if he wants it to heal eventually. in order to do that, he needs to cut all ties to her and their shared past. in this town, there’s something that reminds him of her on every corner. new york city is different. lucy gray’s ghost won’t find him there. “i didn’t become a different person overnight. it was a process, a long one, but i didn’t feel like i could talk to you about any of it because you wouldn’t understand,” he says bluntly, holding her gaze even if he’s not being entirely honest with her or himself for that matter.

“i’m leaving the horses in good hands. joe,” his little brother, “loves them. he’ll make sure they have everything they need and more. and you?” an involuntary snort escapes his nostrils atthe audacity of that statement. billy cocks his head to the side, shakes it and offers the other a puzzled look. “last time i checked you didn’t want me so… i loved you, lucy gray. all those years i’d loved you. you were my everything. you’ll never be nothing to me.” but that kiss in the driveway was enough to convince him that she’d never felt the same about him. he gently touches her fists, large palms engulfing her smaller ones, peeling them off his shirt but not letting go just yet. a part of him, some very masochistic part, wants to remember the way her skin feels on his, the smell of her hair, the color of her eyes. “but i don’t want to be a farmer and rehab horses. those were just little boy dreams. i want more from life, don’t you?” he asks, genuinely thinking she’s wasting her talents in this place when she could be out there, sharing them with the world.

“yeah, it is. i was heartbroken in that driveway, but i can finally see that you did us both a huge favor.” it tears him to pieces to utter these words, but he reminds himself that he has no choice now — he has to say it. otherwise, she’ll always haunt him and he’ll wonder what could have been had he only stayed in this small town of theirs. “i’m not angry, lucy gray. i only wish you’d told me sooner that you weren’t interested. it almost feels like all this was just a game to you…” tears well up in his own eyes, a pavlovian reaction, his body’s trained itself to mirror her emotions. he looks up toward the bright blue sky, but it doesn’t really help. his insides coiling when she calls him hers. “look, i’ll — i’ll visit, okay? and if you’re ever in new york, you’ll always have a place to crash. i might even give you a tour. but it’s better this way so, please, don’t make it harder on both of us.” he lets go of her hands then, his own shaking and so he puts them in his pockets, standing awkwardly and fighting back tears.