#anyway these were rambles from 4am. will chew on them more.

[madokasoratsugu]

thinking about xeno having to settle down with the kingdom of science for a bit...him being eerily out of place and everyone being on edge until it dawns upon someone (gen probably, but i like to think of it as kohaku as well) that he simply doesnt understand what its like to give without taking. how much has to be taken from you to view everything as a transaction, until you must have something to hold over someone to feel safe? xeno takes advantage of everything and deems everything he does as taken for granted; speaking japanese, synthesising compounds, being an unfailing beacon of rocket science. of course he can do this, why would you think he couldn't?

the fact that the coolness heats only when stanley is mentioned or involved, and the questions adds on; how important is this person, that you expect everything from and will give everything to, and how is it that you have survived this long as just you two? is there anything that can replace him? if there isn't, what can you do? what will you do?

suika asks xeno one night if he wants to go to sleep with her. xeno blinks, stupefied, as suika looks at him, steady and understanding in a way that perhaps a 18 year old shouldn't, still a child yet as she should be. as he should have been too, at 10, but look at where he is now. suika says, the only thing she wanted at 12 was a warm body next to hers when she woke up. suika says, she knows it isn't her he wants to see when he opens his eyes, but she's someone, and someone is better than no one.

at 12, staring at the university's dorm ceiling, xeno had wanted to go home. then stanley had snuck into his dorms the very same night, and his houston childhood home's ceiling no longer felt as appealing.

at 30, xeno chuckles, pats suika's elbow and tells her to go ahead without him. but he goes to bed early, and does not stare at the patch on his ceiling waiting for a knock on his window that will not come as he shuts his eyes.

the next morning, he thanks suika for a good night's rest. suika smiles, confused but pleased. and when xeno smiles in return, it is a thing not as complicated as before to decipher.