#anyway the arcane demons are back and im going crazy | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

yeahwesaidthat · 8 years ago

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TWWS: Info Dump

Yes, I know, it’s been ages, hence the quote dump. Also, some new stuff/updates:

I was flipping through my old D&D stuff and it turns out one of my favourite quotes is incorrect (I’d suspected as much for some time). So that’s been fixed in this one.

The next update is going to be a “best of D&D.” I want to try and set up a voting system so people can vote for their favourites and then narrow them all down to The Ultimate Quote.

Certain quotes have links on them for reference. Hopefully they show up well enough.

Some lines in quotes are reactions/facial expressions. Fun with emoticons!

TWWS now has awards! See below:

TWWS MVP AWARD:

This entry’s MVP award goes to MR for his constant D&D witticisms! Congratulations, M!

Each entry will feature a new MVP. The choosing is based on quote quality and/or frequency. In M’s case, it’s both. People can be MVPs more than once, but not two entries in a row.

Anyway, on with the show!

Overheard at Random

Book recommendation: KCB: "Mafia elves." KH: "...SOLD!"

Deciding what to get for dinner: SB: "Why would you want a whole pizza?" KH: "Why wouldn’t I want a whole pizza?" E: "I have to agree with her logic."

About a few rounds of Magic: SB: "I won!" E: "Revisionist history - you lost the first game." KC and KH: "Alternative facts."

A Slack conversation about the time of day: A: "You started drinking already?" S: "Who says I stopped?"

About pork rolls: SW: "That stuff that makes [state] bearable to live in."

Ordering lunch: American AP: "If you double-down on pork, no one will judge you." KH: "Says the Jewish man." American AP: "Think of it as eating my portion."

Overheard at Work

KH: "Where is your Christmas cheer?" S: "Right next to my menorah."

Cash Register Gift Bag Listing: "Xmas Menorah"

About covering injuries: L: "Do you want a finger condom?" KH: (doubles over laughing) L: "This is a serious fucking question, KH, do you want one or not?"

Leaving work: S: "I parked in Fucking Yonderville." Coworker: "How's the real estate there? Is it a good school district?" S: "No."

Unearthed Arcana: Overheard During 4e D&D

QUOTE CORRECTION: Making sure it's really dead: SB: "You kick the head and it goes sailing through the open door of the tomb. You hear a voice in the darkness go ’Gooooooooal!’”

Player: "There's no 'I' in 'team' but there's a 'we' in 'weapon.'"

Location, location, location: Player: "We're not in Shadowfell, we're in 'rainbow-and-happy-things-fell.' We're in Candyland."

Tavern woes: (Player or DM?): "When I say 'microbrew' I mean I charge you double and give you less beer."

Pluralisation issues: Probably KH: "Wouldn't it be orifi [instead of orifices]?"

Going overboard with the somatic component: (Player or DM?): "The Arcane Macarena."

Almost certainly about a holy sword: (Player or DM?): "She's swinging around a flashlight for Jesus."

No idea what it's from, but I think I'll use it as a slogan: Player: "I am the terror that quacks in the night."

Fourth Ed Goodberry equivalent...I hope: (Player or DM?): "You're up, you're alive, somebody shoved nuts in your mouth..."

Probably dealing with a were-rat: Almost certainly RJ: "Regener-rat!"

So I had this drake mount named Pork Chop...: Probably SB: "That's Pork Chop class damage." Almost certainly RJ: "Pork 'im!"

Overheard During D&D

ST: "Is the door with the spiders behind it unlocked?" KH: "Don’t."

After a familiar was poofed: AD: "I miss [familiar]." CD: "It's been two minutes." AD: "Whatever. I can miss who I want."

Beautiful references (read in Rorschach's voice): AA: "I'm not grappled with you," ST, AA, and KH: "You’re grappled with me!"

About remaining spells: KH: "I have three 1st-level slots and one 2nd-level slot." CD: "Those are 'keeping people alive' slots."

We went a little overboard on this guy: CD: "Are there any potions on Mr. Headless and Heartless?" AD: "That sounds like an emo band."

To the resident carnivorous warrior: ST: "I'm telling you, that heart is full of black evil. Don't eat it."

About being stranded: CD: "She left us on an island like Johnny Depp in the first Pirates movie." ST: "And we didn't have turtles or rum."

High-rollers: CD: "Twenty-four. Critty-four."

Trying to get up a ladderless shaft (can you dig it?): JB: "We could throw her up." ST: "We'd have to swallow her first."

Desperate tactics: KH: "Can a t-rex punch through a wall?"

About a couatl: AD: "I will draw it like one of my French girls."

About a guard boss encounter: CD: "So undead Mr. Cyclops was sitting here twiddling his undead thumbs?"

About doors marked with runes: AD: "'Cause if they say 'do not open'..." KH: "Then we're totally gonna open them." AD: "Well, you guys are going to open them..."

NPC interrogation: CD (IC): "So you are a powerful druid." JI (IC): "I am a moderately powerful druid."

About the location of a magic tattoo: AD: "Are you like a Care Bear but out of your butt?"

About canopic jars in the cyclops mummy's sanctum: ST: "Here's another jar of mummified nope."

About a loudly roaring creature: JI: "And he asks you to roll initiative as politely as he can."

About our situation: MR: "We made a very poor combat choice." RD: "What do you mean 'we'?" MR: "I made a bad combat choice." KC: "What is this 'we,' Pocahontas?"

The pervy paladin strikes again: SW (IC): "What took you so long?" A (IC): "I had something to take care of." (winks) SW (IC): "You know what? I'm sorry I asked."

Better without context: MGW: "When you're that big, you can explode as much as you want."

Adventures with the Polymorph spell: AS: "What's the AC [armor class] of a puppy?"

Horrific and chaotic evil regarding aforementioned puppy (which, to be fair, was originally a fire giant): AS (IC): "Don't worry, we can find a bag of holding and a river." MR (IC): "...There is a line, [character]." (gestures one way) "There is the line," (gestures way past it) "there is you."

Be careful who's listening: KH: "She's the pervy character; she scares everybody." (notices preteen with shocked expression) "You didn't hear any of that."

About the pervy paladin having a "moral" conversation: KH: "She's 'good cop'ping him instead of copping a feel?" SW: "She's good copping him instead of getting a good cop. There you go."

Continued fun with Polymorph: MR: "It's like discus, but with a puppy. Please don't put that on That's What We Said." KH: "Too late."

Storm King's Thunder: A Summary: MR: "This is Game of Thrones on a giant scale." Entire Table: (grooooooan)

Dealing with extra-limbed gorillas: ST: "Uh-oh! They must have been forewarned!" AD: "What makes you say that?" ST: "Forewarned is four-armed." AD: -_-

Negotiation skills: AD: "It's just me trying to bullshit him." JI: "Why don't you make a bullshit check?"

Difficult terrain: JI: "You get disadvantage from monkeys throwing poo at you."

Improvised weaponry: AD: "Ten whacking damage."

Trying to figure out if the staff is necromantic: CD: "We could kill a mouse in front of the staff. We could kill a mouse with the staff. How much is it to buy a mouse?"

When ideas are crazier than normal (which is already pretty crazy): AD: "What is wrong with you? I'm not even sure I mean [your character]."

SW: "Ok, I have a list of 'don't ask any questions.'"

Planning for the next campaign: MR: "Should I play a guy who puts the 'romance' back in 'necromancy'..."

About handing over a weapon: JB (IC): "I don't give my bone to anyone."

JB: "Anyone die while I was gone?" SW: "Not on the outside."

Tactical thinking: MR: "We may need to light his mansion on fire to cover our tracks."

Wizarding limits: JS: "You may not polymorph your zombies into t-rexes."

KH: "And the moral of the story is don't screw with powers you don't understand." BC: "Shh. Don't ever tell that to a wizard."

J: "Crown of Madness will help, right?" BC: "I don't think that's needed with this group."

JS: "You find several humanoids with missing brains." JS2: (nervous noise) BC: "Don't worry; they're not a threat to you."

Cannon fodder: KH: "You outfitted your zombies with red shirts, right?" BC: "They were born with red shirts."

BC: "Everything is a toy if you try hard enough." KH: "...I heard that wrong." BC: "No, you got it."

About the distance of a planar pilgrimage: CD: "That would be like walking to Europe." J: "If Europe was also on Mars."

Subtle Star Wars mid-inanity: KH: "I don't wanna fly; I wanna stealth." J: "Stealth fly." JS: "You can't stealth fly!" KH: "How do you stealth fly?" JI: "Fly casual."

Zombies aren't too smart: BC (IC): "Bobs, attack the closest gnoll!" Bobs: (run at gnoll party member) KH (OOC): "Et tu, Bob?" JS (OOC): "If this doesn't belong in your blog, I dunno what does."

Far too relatable: JS: "Twenty psychic damage." BC: "I've taken more psychic damage from my mother."

Asking planar creatures for advice: BC (IC): "Is the [creature] going to kill all of us if we investigate it?" JI (OOC): "He's the GM - of course it's going to say yes."

When the tiefling (part-demon) hears Celestial: KH (IC): "Does anyone speak the twinkly bell language?"

Worst-laid plans: KH (IC): "I have a very bad feeling about this." MR (IC): "You should."

Acronym fun with a magic item: JB: "AT&T: Advanced Telecommunications and Teleporting."

Obligatory quote/joke/meme for the elf ranger: KH: "Legolas, what do your elf eyes see?" JB: "I see people shipping me with Gimli."

Questionable on-deck combat tactics: MR: "Are you gonna keel-haul him manually?"

The proper response to the enemy when landing in said enemy's ambush: MR (IC): "You'll die for our insolence!"

Alignment debate: MR: "He wasn't evil; he was just a dick."

Verbally dueling with a sea god: MR: "I basically just told Cthulu to shut up and go home."

When one fails to specify: AS: "She's got a really low [armor class] 'cause she's fat and slow." A: o.O? AS: "No, not you."

Our go-to combat tactic: MR: "Are we going to stupid the guy to death?"

Zing!: MGW (IC): "If you join me, I can make you the greatest dwarf who ever lived." L (IC): "I am the greatest dwarf who ever lived." Whole Table (OOC): "Ooooohhhhh!!!"

Another verbal duel with a sea god/character class limitations: KH: "I would say 'what is a god to a nonbeliever,' but I'm a cleric."

In a room of tempting levers and switches and shit: JI (IC): "Don't touch nothing." BC (IC): "Don't get between me and my touching."

Activating the mysterious device: BC (IC): "We did it! I wonder what we did?"

Creative swearing: JS (IC): "By Baphomet's giant bull cock!"

Alternative to "cheese" during a picture take: JS: "Everyone say 'Jesus Christ, thank God I'm alive!'" We all said it with big picture smiles.

Ultimate cringe: KH: "My mom doesn't have a nerd bone in her body." MR: "She met your dad..."

Business as usual: KH: "This seems like a bad idea, but go ahead."

Bone club + bags of loot = asking for trouble: JB: "I hang the sacks off my bone."

The loot bags again: JB: "I thought I saw it fly out of my sack." MR: "You should have a healer look at that."

Overheard During A Crazy-Ass Night of D&D

Obligatory bone club jokes start now: SW (IC): "Cover your eyes! He's whipping out his sword!" JB (IC): "It's nothing compared to my bone!"

Again with the damn club: RD: "Do you want to bone it, my friend?" JB: "I want to bone it."

JB: "The bone jokes aren't as humerus anymore." KH: (cringes, reaches for notebook)

Old adages: MR: "No plan survives contact with the enemy." (IC) "But then, no enemy has survived contact with us!" (OOC) "Was that quote-worthy?" KH: "Yes."

About DR's long-ago description of the Spirit Guardians spell: MR: "Don't use your holy fuck-off field just yet." KH: "...Did you steal that from the blog?"

Ready check: MR: "Ready? ...Ready?" KH: (Mel Brooks movie quote voice) "WAIT FOR IT!"

KC: "She can ride me. I don't care." KH: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) KC: "...I'M A BEAR IN ARMOR."

SW: "Aim for the throat!" JB: "Don't tempt me."

The previous quote foretold this: JB: "He's gonna feel my bone down his throat."

About height differences: KH: "Are you gonna bone him in the groin?"

About collecting giant heads for bounties: SW: "They pay the bills." AS: "Kills to pay the bills."

Misusing a letter-changing magic item: SW: "Can you use the Book of Wit to make him cast Mild Magic?"

Advantageous druidic inanity: KC: "Are you still riding the flying bear?" MR: "It's flying now?" KC: "Yeah, he flew up to unlock the door." AS: "...So he's a flying bear with armor..."

About aforementioned druid: AS: "Here, I'll ride you now."

That damned club yet again: AS: "He can smash the Vonindod!" SW: "More like the Bone-indod."

I give up: JB: "...And I wanna bone the hell out of it."

About a high strength score: KC: "Is your athletics 'yes'?" JB: "My athletics is 'yes'!"

Spell modifications for humourous purposes: MR: "Using a Dex[terity] save for Zone of Truth means they're literally dodging the question."

Tactics 101: Use Your Surroundings: SW: "Why properly kill giants when we can have their own castle do it?"

Magical battle broadcast: SW: "Should we set up the planar TVs, guys?"

About the god of storms approving the storm cleric's actions: JB: "He's like, 'yes, I approve. Thunderous applause!'"

About the war cleric and flying bear: JB: "If they're riding each other in the air, are they part of the mile high club?"

As is per usual: MR: "We may have once again survived this by the skin of bullshit."

The only proper reaction when large objects swing: in this case, a gargantuan golem head: KH: "I came in like a Voooooonindooooooood!"

About 5e drow society: MR: "It's now more of an egalitarian dickbaggery."

When web-casting spiders give gifts: KC: "See? I even gift-wrapped him for you."

#twws #that's what we said

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