#anyway the admins/graduate panel was like 'learn to be kind ppl bc that will give u connections and jobs'
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The semester hasn't even started and yet the feeling of "is this social anxiety or just being in a white space thats making me feel uncomfortable" is hitting hard again
#like this is my last degree im getting and i want to try my best to do well but#just the orientation panel thing before classes started was absolutely terrible#literally like 3 other POC graduate students in the entire school for incoming students...#and the only other asian person is international#i hated that interaction too he was literally one of those cutthroat violinists from julliard#anyway the admins/graduate panel was like 'learn to be kind ppl bc that will give u connections and jobs'#without acknowledging that theyre saying that bc we are being forced to play the game#or how much of that kindness is genuine if its just to play the game#bc that fakeness is one of the things i hate the most#its just so alienating to be in a white space#like i feel like even international students have their own community or whatnot#but im not either of them and am just othered all the time#everytime i try to be more social or friendly no one ever returns the same energy#like am i just not fitting your stereotype enough??? or is it bc youve already othered me that you dont even bother?#ik these thoughts arent really productive to forming meaningful connections but like#its so tiring bc nothing has worked since like my first year of college#and now i only have two years left
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