#anyway that coconut one was probably the worst i've ever had in my life

[softgrungeprophet]

i got a box of chocolates on clearance after new year's and either it is full of random duds/faulty chocolates or is stale as fuck but the expiration date isn't until april 1st lol

[animentality]

So just a fucking recap.

The Doolittle movie sucks ass. Robert Downey Jr. sucks ass in the movie.

Everyone who signed off on that movie and was a part of making that movie? Sucks ass.

And don't even come at me and say well the cgi artists are just doing a job- I fucking know that.

They're paid and because of that, why would they even care? There is no shame or quality or talent in the world of capitalism, just products and producers.

That being said.

Let me count the fucking ways Doolittle sucked:

- Doolittle's wife is just some hot lady Robert can angst about the entire movie. She might as well have had no lines because she's Love Interest #2.

- It's an adventure movie that goes to exactly two locations. One is a dirty ass palace and the other is...a cave.

- the characters are a cartoony cast of bad cgi animals that make fart jokes.

Actually wait, this is important.

The humor is probably the most damning part of the movie so I'm going to make a separate list for the worst examples of humor.

They are as follows:

- squirrel is small and cute but is voiced by a black dude. This is funny because aave is hilarious.

- Doolittle *operating on said injured squirrel: hand me (piece of medical equipment).

Duck: *hands him a stick of celery.

Dolittle: that's celery.

- awkward and idiotic child co protagonist makes awkward quacks and buzzes and gorilla noises.

- Doolittle: *has deep and serious talk about how dangerous their journey of two locations will be

Two monkeys: *loudly slurp coconuts through straws and interrupt him, he makes an exasperated face

- Doolittle: *puts on a disguise that consists of a hoodie with a yellow beak on it and makes a goofy face

- there is an ant mafia. The lead ant makes a godfather reference because Doolittle's dragonfly mentions he used to fuck his ant daughter. They then say she got with a scorpion and the dragonfly has horribly unfunny whining dialogue about how she was the love of his life and he can't believe she's moved on

- there is a running joke about how ostriches are fat and can't fly and aren't real birds. This painfully unfunny and overused joke is painfully unfunny and overused to the point of exhaustion.

- A JACKRABBIT LITERALLY SAYS "did doctor Doolittle do a DOO DOO?" And then it slaps its belly and guffaws as though it said something clever, interesting, or funny.

CANT express in words how angry and humiliated I felt sitting in the theater listening to that.

- polar bear *slaps the ostrich in the face: stay away from the liiiiiiight

- ostrich: my dad was right, I'd be better off a an omelet

Polar bear: my dad went out for a pack of seals and never came back

Squirrel: I'm not crying, you're crying

- a dragon farts. I'm not fucking kidding. A dragon farts so loud and hard that it blows Doolittle's hair and clothes back and it's portrayed as the funniest thing I've ever fucking I wanna fucking strangle

And those were the worst jokes in the movie and what's hilarious is that there are plenty of jokes I didn't include.

The jokes about the cowardly gorilla, the jokes that consisted of the dragonfly just going cross eyed, the jokes about the dog with glasses being funny because it's a DOG with GLASSES.

Like I get it.

It's a kid movie.

But I wasn't under the impression that kids' movies had to be agonizingly dumb for kids to like them.

Marvel movies made us all think that, but there exists a niche group of kids movies that are funny to kids AND funny to adults who aren't missing some integral part of their brains.

Anyway.

This movie was just awful.

It failed as a comedy, it failed as an adventure film, it failed as a film to be interesting, inspired, or even somewhat functional.

RDJ is awful in this. Just awful. Nothing charismatic or likable about him at all, he's just a weirdo with a horrible accent that learns a valuable lesson which is: if your love interest hot girl wife dies, just don't be sad about it, 4head.

So basically, it's his second worst movie.