#anyway tangentially related but if i got sent back to my high school self it would not even ping on anyones radar possibly including my own

[iamthescalesofjustice]

i get why people have shifted away from the term 'peggy sue' but honestly its less cumbersome than 'time travel fix-it' or, as i occasionally see spread across multiple tags " 'time travel' 'not a fix-it tho' 'not a break it worse either' " like cmon it wasnt even actually related to the 'x sue' stuff that people (rightfully) dropped it was a covergent evolution.

[mountain-ash-and-rusted-iron]

this is an oc masterpost of all my haf-formed ocs languishing on pinterest with their messy aesthetics and unedited blurbs, in roughly chronological order of their creation, plus sorted by fandom. this post is only asoiaf, harry potter, hunger games, and riverdale, cos i have tooooooo many original characters otherwise and the post was getting incredibly long. (note that i love my ocs but these one’s are not polished or even the final versions of their characters, i just wanted to post them lol)

under a read more, if you’re on mobile start scrolling i guess, sorry,,,

Game of Thrones/A Song of Ice and Fire:

Laeya Targeryen: (child of Rhaella and Aerys Targaryen, born 280 AC - three years older than Danaerys) 

Fearful of her impending marriage, Laeya is eleven when she takes her younger sister and flees across the sea to Dorne, hiding herself and Dany with dyed hair and badly controlled magic. As Leia and Dani Sand they learn to live normally. At 15 Leia joins the Royal Guard and secures Dany work as a tailor's apprentice. When she is 17, an assassin tries to kill her in front of the Dornish court and everything changes...

- so laeya straight up has magic, which im considering an extension of the dragon thing dany has - she can control flame and for the disguise uses her ‘inner fire’ to make her eyes white-blue like super hot flames, cos the purple eyes are super distinctive. and then she’s discovered and suddenly politics are happening. honestly she’s entirely a way for me to remove the child marriage bits of the targaryen storyline (stop marrying off your twelve-year-old baby sister viserys u asshole) - in terms of meta/basics, laeya doesn’t have a fc cos most of my early ocs don’t, and bcs i picture her as emilia clarke with faked dark hair and blue eyes lol

and a quick aesthetic below:

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Kyrra Snow: (child of Robert Baratheon and Maery Snow, birthdate ???)

Kyrra Snow is the eldest natural-born child of Robert Baratheon, current King of Westeros, and daughter of Maery Snow, a Southron (but Northern-born) merchant woman. After her mother realises Kyrra was growing up a little too much like her father in looks and needed to leave the far South before she caught the wrong sort of attention, Kyrra was sent off to travel with her aunt and cousins. She is 17 and heading further north, to Winter Town, when Jon Arryn dies.

- kyrra’s another child of everyone’s favourite asshole king, and she’s got a lot of people after her head, but she just wants to travel and continue her work as a simple peddler. (riiip poor girl) honestly she’s not that developed but yolo -

aes:

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Brynn Stark: (child of Catelyn and Eddard Stark, Robb’s twin sister)  

Brynn believes in honour and family, and she is loyal to Winterfell and the North above all else. Likes - archery, embroidery and weaving. Betrothed to [some young Northern lord] to keep the bonds between the Norther families strong.

-i basically made brynn as a contrast to sansa’s pro-southnness and excessive femininity and arya’s anger and desire for swords (relatable mood tho lmao). so brynn is here to mediate, extoll the virtues of both needlework and weapons, make a decent marriage to someone she likes, if not loves, and hold down the fort in the North while shit gets increasingly messier in the South. and a possible faceclaim is Àstrid Bergès-Frisbey - 

aes:

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Rosienne Lannister: (child of Joanna and Tywin Lannister, born 273 AC)

Rose is looked at by the realm with dismissal, a consolation prize for her father, a spare daughter only useful for matchmaking, but at least able-bodied and pretty, unlike her brother. After a long betrothal, Rose is married to Willas Tyrell at the age of eighteen, cementing her role as the next Lady of High Garden...

- Rosie/Rose is a bonus Lannister, bcs why not. likes cyvasse and the harp, soft and kind and maternal, powerful in her own way. originally she was from a minor divergence where joanna survives tyrion’s birth and goes on to have another kid, but not sure if i’ll keep that aspect, so for now she’s tyrion’s twin -

and her aes (yes that quote is cropped, no i don’t care rn):

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honourable mentions to my other got underdeveloped got/asoiaf ocs who need more effort before i post properly about them:

Tamlen Storm, a rookery apprentice (working for the Maester of House Tully, managing the ravens) who may or may not be a reincarnated si-oc trying to save westeros, 

and an unnamed northern huntress who stumbled into the plot somehow and wants her normal life back (entirely inspired by Keira Knightley as Gwyn in Princess of Thieves, when she’s doing archery stuff and looking v butch).

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Harry Potter:

Taurus ‘Ara’ Lestrange:  (child of Bellatrix and Roldolphous Lestrange, born 1978) 

Raised by the Goblins after a legal mix-up following her parents' imprisonment in Azkaban, Taurus is good with a sword and aiming to be the next Minister of Magic. She attends Hogwarts with the other magical kids her age, under the fake identity Ara Burke, unknown cousin of a minor half-blood family. When the Potter brat’s drama starts destroying her change at an education just as her fourth year, her OWL prep year, begins, Ara intervenes.

- im tangentially aware that as bellatrix’s kid she’s almost occupying the place of whats-her-name from the cursed child, but considering that i know nothing about the cursed child and don’t care about it anyway, i have elected to ignore this. her actual parent might turn out to be some smitten half-blood from a minor branch of the Greengrass family, or it might actually be Rodolphous, who knows. slightly inspired by the fic ‘Harry Crow’ (by robst on ff.net) where harry is raised by the goblins -

messy aes:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Valerian Potter: (child of Lily and James Potter, born 1980)

After the Potter twins’ parents are murdered by Voldemort, they’re dumped on the doorstep of Number 4, Privet Drive. Dealing with two traumatised magical orphans, Petunia and Vernon Dursley turn to violence and neglect to stay in control, acting far more harshly than expected. With the arrival of two Hogwarts letters, life gets complicated incredibly quickly. (Self-sufficient and scarred from abuse, Val and Harry are immediately Sorted into Slytherin). 

- val’s fic is basically an angst fest, okay,,, -

aes:

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and shout-outs to: holly addison potter, a half-baked reincarnation si-oc (i love that concept a lot, can u tell) and my fav girl thea dursley, who already has her own fic and so isn’t getting a proper spot in this post 

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The Hunger Games:

Asher: (District Two, age 18) 

[rip no blurb for asher]

-asher is a career from two, who wins the 70th games. mostly im focusing on her recovery and how the games function in two, with training volunteers and mentoring and collecting sponsors, plus eventually the rebellion. lots of the D2 headcanon i have is inspired by @/lorata but i defintely made a distinct effort to have my own stuff, cos where’s the fun in plagiarism -

aes for Asher’s Games:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  Rowan Everdeen: (District Twelve, age 19)

Rowan will do anything to protect her family. This extends to going to Head Peacekeeper Cray on a cold winters night, charging the most she can get for her virginity.  It extends to Reaping Day, when she steps out in front of the crowd and says “I volunteer as tribute” in the steadiest voice she can muster.  It extends to clawing her way out of the Arena, bloody and exhausted, with blades in her hands and violence kept tucked behind her teeth. It extends further, to a simple ‘Yes, President Snow’ when he coldly, carefully implies her family might meet with an accident if she doesn’t play the good little Victor (and fuck the people who pay the Capitol for her company). It extends to joining the Rebellion, to looking President Coin directly in the eye and agreeing to be a Mockingjay, a symbol for the people to rally around.

- another everdeen kiddo! as the big sister, rowan volunteers for prim, and goes through the Games - she’s a healer and a hunter, and a decent enough actor that she can manage interviews and a camera presence, unlike katniss. rowan also pairs well with a minor au i have, where the reapings are spaced out over a week and official training is a longer, giving the capitol a nice, long buildup to get excited and place bets, etc., and giving the poor, underfed tributes from the outer districts a better chance, which makes for more interesting television and better Games -

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Adrasteia Crane: (The Capitol, age 28) Unlike her big brother, Adrasteia doesn’t want to be a Gamemaker. Instead, she wants to create clothes, artwork, to enrapture the Capitol. She wants to be a Games stylist. After years of design school, of working her way up the ranks, first a PA’s assistant, and then fetching and carrying for Twelve’s prep team, and then eventually on a prep team for the dull tributes from Six, Adrasteia Crane finally has what she wants - the position of stylist for District Three’s male tribute in 74th Hunger Games. 

- tbh adrasteia is only seneca crane’s sister because i couldn’t think of a suitable last name for her lmao. i think i’d actually prefer her to be unattached to any major canon players. however, his death is a good motivation for her to join the rebellion, so we’ll see. she’s got a bit of the capitol fashion thing going too, with soft pink hair and diamond-effect skin on her face and shoulders -

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also bonus hunger games content: another oc, Sarsaparilla Verran, from District Eleven, fifteen and alone when she goes into the Games. An orphan, her siblings lost to the Community Home system years ago, her relatives dead or uncaring. So, Rilla is a wee lonely bab tbh. she did not want this, unlike most of my other hg ocs, and she’s not excited for weeks of murder. she just wants her family back, but since that isn’t possible, she’ll build a new family instead. and uuhhhhh,  spoiler alert, she dies before she can have this ://///

and my hunger games aus - a canon divergence where katniss joins the careers instead of peeta, her desire to go home to her family outweighing her reactive hate for the concept of training/volunteering to kill other teens, and a fem!Haymitch au where she’s a little wiser to the dark side of the capitol before she commits acts of rebellion (she still rebels anyway tho, just smarter).

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Riverdale:

Cat Cooper: (middle child of Alice and Hal Cooper) Cat Cooper (17) is the black sheep of the Cooper family. Her piercings, brightly dyed hair and connections to the Southside Serpents make her the odd one out among her sisters and constantly at odds with Alice Cooper. Cat’s life is occupied with her Serpent friends, work at a local coffee shop, and training - martial arts, supplemented with cross country, gymnastics and swimming. Until her older sister is shipped off to places unknown and her baby sister starts getting caught up in murder investigation with the absent Serpent heir... 

- haven’t decided between Catelyn or Catherine for Cat’s full name lmao. she used to be Kit, actually, but I changed it cos i prefer Kit to solely be my divergent oc (kit serafim). Cat is an ADHD disaster who loves her sisters and her friends and wants to get the hell out of Riverdale on a sports scholarship (she does either boxing or karate mainly, need to figure that bit out) -

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Georgie Andrews: (child of Mary and Fred Andrews)

Georgie likes soft drinks, cheerleading, and hanging out with the Blossom twins and Polly Cooper, their closest friends and a welcome distraction from their own problems. After Polly and Jason vanish, Georgie’s support system is almost gone, and they has to deal with everything they’ve been bottling up, just in time for Fred Andrews to get shot.

- also just angst ngl.  so georgie’s gender is basically ???, they enjoy cheerleading and not much else. they spend half their time dealing with depression, by trying to ignore stressful/hard topics and focus on the good side of everything. this isn’t a great long-term coping mechanism and has the fun side effect of pissing of the people around him when she seems unable to be serious or empathetic to someone else's pain (bcs she’s too busy deflecting for the sake of her own fragile mental health), so it gets fun when fred is shot and archie starts getting in too deep with the lodges -

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Sera Thornstone: (parents ???) Southside Serpent. Going to the Riverdale Community College and running errands for FP Jones. And secretly meeting up with her Ghoulie lover down by the Sweetwater where nobody goes. 

- everything about sera is vague and undecided lmao. but she has a ghoulie gf/bf/nbf? and they’re hiding that they were down by the river on the 4th of july, cos a serpent is an immediate suspect. going to community college to work on getting general credits before saving up for fancy school for law or journalism. the aes isn’t entirely accurate cos sera’s built from the remains of another serpent oc who i scrapped (she does have a baseball bat tho) -

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and honourable mentions to jen johnson and octavia blossom-murphy, my other riverdale ocs who actually have content, plus an in-development unnamed oc who gets adopted from the soqm by the Muggs family and growsup with Ethel. and my riverdale role reversal au, which i will never write but have some nice aesthetics for under the tag wip: bughead role reversal au.

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all my mini-aesthetics here are unsourced images/from pinterest. any similarities to other people or characters, living or dead, is entirely coincidental. 

alrighty that’s it. now i have to tag this behemoth argh

[cosmosogler]

hi, i am starting late tonight because i was doing RESEARCH!!!

i slept pretty horribly last night. i noticed that my dreams are featuring a lot of wet clothes. clingy, gross, heavy clothes. 

the dream started out as me wandering around “dream philadelphia,” which for some reason features a lot of what looks like giant toy trains. the trains only go one way, so if you leave town and forget something, well, you got a long walk back. also they seem to operate on the same schedule as the spongebob buses. which is to say, the most inconvenient possible.

anyway i was bumming around not doing much when i ran into dad. he was trying to take a train somewhere and didn’t understand how the system worked. i basically said “sucks to be you” and mostly focused on what i was doing, or rather, what i was not doing. i had absolutely no reason not to help him except i didn’t feel like it, and also maybe because explaining how the trains worked was too hard. 

then i was trying to move out of my dorm, as i often am, and the mob was also there? i couldn’t pack wet clothes, so i kept putting them in the dryer, but every time i went to check if they were ready to be packed yet they were still dripping. it was driving me nuts because the dryers’ timers were basically random so i couldn’t tell how long it had been any time i wanted to check.

when i woke up i finished up the sonic fan character picture. i seem to have done other things, but i don’t remember what they might have been. i looked up some stuff about the preliminary exam. i microwaved the leftover pizza for lunch and got super grossed out and gave up before i could finish two slices. i fed one of the crusts to the dogs.

my dad rescued a little cactus mouse from out of the pool filter the other day. we’ve been keeping him in the old fish tank with some leftover fluff we have for the hamster. mom wants to get rid of him asap, but i worry that we won’t know how sick he is unless we keep him until wednesday or so. i actually thought he had died this afternoon, but when i was digging through the drawers to get a plastic spoon to poke him he started breathing again. he opened his eyes and wandered around a little bit yesterday, which is promising. the chlorine had probably really hurt them for the first day and a half.

i didn’t really feel understood in group therapy today. the goal stuff was fine, the therapist gave me a worksheet to fill out and talked about other resources she could probably give me if i asked for them on wednesday. it was when i brought up that i felt like, if a problem is able to be overcome, then it wasn’t really a valid problem. unless a problem is permanent, it shouldn’t be a problem i had in the first place. 

it’s very odd. the therapist used it as a launch pad to go into, like, how she thinks impostor syndome is fake i guess? i don’t remember exactly what it was because at the time i was devoting most of my energy to figuring out how to articulate my problem better. i didn’t really get the chance to go more in depth about it though.

i guess that’s something i should bring up with my individual therapist tomorrow. i kinda know where it comes from, but the examples that come to mind are only tangentially related to the feeling. it appears to stem from how my mother treats my nightmares. she says they aren’t real or i’m making them up or “dreaming while awake” somehow. so, if they get worse, she’ll HAVE to recognize they’re real!!!

except i don’t even care about what she thinks, because she is useless as a source of advice there? and mostly in general useless as a source of advice or encouragement. i can’t figure out why i care and why that problem is so significant that it’s, like, wrecking my willingness to change my situation. 

my therapist said i did make the goal-setting much harder than it needed to be. and she said i was lacking in some areas of self awareness but she didn’t elaborate because she wanted me to figure it out myself.

that made me feel really nervous. it confirmed that i probably don’t know myself very well, or at least i am not confident in my understanding of reality. but i knew that already.

i guess i am living in some kind of funhouse mirror reality where i suck at everything. but i need that reality because otherwise i start thinking too highly of myself and people get angry. i am “egotistical” and “look down on others.” “you think you are all that but you’re not.” “you’ll die alone.” “your ego is going to come back and bite you someday and when it does i’ll laugh.” 

ok i think i may be embellishing that last one but those parents were very angry with me. because i was upset that they had stolen my group’s space station project for the nasa competition. the next day they followed me all the way from the drop-off to the back of the campus where my classroom was, leaned over me, hissing stuff like that in my ear but it didn’t matter because there weren’t any teachers paying attention so it was fine i guess!!!!!!

just like it was fine when craig did stuff because nobody cared!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

dad called me egotistical in grade school too. he also got super mad about it. i would get in the car and he would hold the door open and scream and then slam the door in my face. it was fine because he is my parent so he can do whatever he wants.

the lesson here is that no one else cared about me, so i shouldn’t care about me either. if i start caring about me, i might get upset about all that stuff that happened!!! and that would be bad. because i would be a bummer and no one would want to hang out with me.

it’s like... these people want me to change. but i have reasons, like, lots of reasons, for acting the way i do. and maybe i feel like i’m not allowed to change until i make them understand how hard it is.

i mean, of course i’m allowed to change any time i want. i’m in charge of how i act. but... how easy is it to unlearn a lesson i’ve had repeatedly hammered, beaten, and screamed in for 24 years?

and if it’s not impossible, it’s not hard enough. hard enough for what i don’t know. if i am not literally dead i am not trying hard enough. actually i could probably die from trying too hard for too long and at my funeral mom would say “she should have tried harder to stay alive.”

there is no pleasing her. i don’t think i even want to please her. i don’t know what my subconscious thinks. i guess being denied something just makes you want it more? even if you tell yourself you don’t want it anyway.

i like to joke around that kyral is a “personified explosion,” but i guess in a way i am one too. not in the same way. but the way i approach life. if i am not exceeding my limit at all times i am not good enough. if i get sick because i was exceeding my limit for too long i couldn’t be good enough. if i am at the end of my rope there’s got to be more steam in there, i know it, there just has to be, and i have to use it right now or i won’t be good enough.

self care and stuff like that just distracts from time i could be trying harder. but i am not allowed to acknowledge that i am working hard, or harder than is healthy for me, because that would make me egotistical. the worst offense possible!!! 

why is it so important that i don’t come across in any way as egotistical? i guess because deep down i feel very inadequate, and i find people who oversell their abilities to be extremely annoying. but aren’t i overselling my energy capacity? 

to be honest it probably WOULD be better if i took more care to address my limits. but i always feel the need to make just one more last push, so i kind of forget about the limit or hate the limit. 

i had a self esteem journal i wanted to start filling out this week. i may have to put off starting it until tomorrow though because now it is almost 1 and i am late getting to bed again. 

after therapy i went to my cousin’s high school graduation party dinner with the rest of my family. i acted really obnoxious around my younger brother and cousins because i am pretty sure they think it’s funny. i like seeing them react so i do things i am reasonably certain will get a reaction. and i almost always do!

what i did for the graduating cousin in particular is, since my sister forgot to buy a card, i was tasked with making one. so i put a terrible pun on the front cover and spelled my cousin’s name wrong, wrote “have a good life.” on the inside, and got mom to put a ton of glitter inside and individually tape a couple of 1-dollar bills to the card. it got him to shake his head and sigh. he is normally Too Cool to interact with me.

my youngest cousin asked when i’m going to grow out of pokemon. i said “if i ever want to stop, then i guess i’ll stop then.” he brought up the time he beat me because i stopped to tease him instead of just finishing the battle. i think in my cousins’ eyes i am some sort of unbeatable pokemon god. but really in competitions i lose about as much as i win, and by about the same margins. i just like pokemon a lot.

when i got home i sent an email to the florida physics department asking for some test resources. then i put a lot of time into researching self care and strategies for becoming more assertive and having a more reasonable self esteem. that’s why i started writing so late. i also dumped like 8 of the pages i found into my queue so now you can look at ALL OF THEM too!!!

tomorrow i need to do some more things. i gotta work on the usual stuff, the welcome packet, et cetera. i have therapy at 10:30, so i really need to go to bed soon if i’m going to be able to get up for it. i need to drop by my physician’s office and pick up some paperwork and ask about a test they wanted to schedule. i will probably just have leftovers for lunch... then i’m going to watch a movie with oz. then i gotta do the technology setup and troubleshooting stuff with my classmates to prepare for future study sessions. that should last me until about 5:30. i will try to play in the yard with the dog more in the evening, and possibly make a dinner that’s more than “microwave some rice.” i will have to find some time to work on the self esteem journal, and also on the therapy goal worksheet and packets for wednesday. maybe i will also start coloring the owl picture i got from the resources folder at the hospital. 

pretty sure i’m forgetting something. but that will have to wait until the morning or whenever it comes up i guess.