#anyway my hands are too tired to take the pdf out of my folder so i guess it lives there now.

[bobcat-pie]

WHY IS MICHEL FOUCAULT'S "PANOPTICISM" IN MY MINECRAFT FOLDER

[bluerene]

river, part four [starx]

whew, okay, I’m home, it’s late, but I’m putting this out anyways. Linking parts one, two and three, aaaaaand dividing this chapter up a little bit because formatting and length were bothering me. Next chapter should be up by Tuesday night. I work both jobs back-to-back tomorrow so no chances of updates then.  As always, all my love for @fireflyxrebel who literally inspired this whole thing and is practically the only reason I wrote it (the other being a sad lack of StarX content and my need to change that).

Let me know what y’all think! 

bless <3 

blue

Friday didn’t go by fast enough. I woke up and called in sick to work, first thing, intent on decrypting the files I’d stolen the night before. Made myself some eggs and toast, turned on the TV for morning news, set up my laptop, and plugged in the flash drive. Well, no, not true - I burned the toast, forgot to replace the batteries in the remote, and tried to set up the drive incorrectly. Twice. I was distracted. I had a date in twenty-six hours and nothing was ready.

I wasn’t sure why I was so nervous, or why I was so invested in making my time with her perfect.

It didn’t help that I hadn’t stopped thinking about the kiss since it happened.

The thing about fireworks erupting in the background and angels singing is complete bullshit, by the way. There’s nothing earthshaking about it. The kiss didn’t send me to the heavens and back. It just felt right. There was this feeling of comfort that gripped me. She was warm and lovely. Her mouth moved agonizingly slowly against mine. It was torture and bliss and everything I imagined it would be.

And then it was over. She ended it, blushing as she unwound her arms from around my neck. Starfire stammered something about seeing me later and backed away, before shooting into the air.

I waited to hear the tell-tale raven’s call that so often signaled their departure, before teleporting back to my room and flopping onto my bed.

Needless to say, I didn’t get a lot of sleep. I drafted the same text about fifty times, hoping to engage her in conversation.

hey babe. Gross, delete.

that was some kiss. Too forward, she’ll get skittish, delete.

i had a really nice time last night. Where’s the charm? Delete.

i can’t stop thinking about you. It’s not a lie, but it might freak her out. Delete.

saturday, 11 am, key cove. see you there. A little dull, but it’s effective. Sent.

So yeah, stressful evening. Nervous morning. Once the files were finished loading I focused on combing through them. I didn’t like what I saw.

There were blueprints and notes, pdf versions of hastily scribbled equations and messy theories. Plans for some kind of incubation chamber. A complex formula for what appeared to be a chemical virus that could eradicate mutations in DNA. Footnotes that listed the unpredictable factors that could occur, and the ones that had occurred in test subjects.

Where they saw the likelihood of medical innovation, my clients would see the potential for biological warfare.

Shit.

I disconnected the flash-drive and wiped the files from my laptop, initiating a self-diagnostic run to sweep for any bugs that may have come with the folder. Not good, not good at all. The trade was supposed to go down later tonight. There wasn’t enough time for me to come up with an alibi or skip town.

I grimaced, already imagining the beating I would take for backing out of the exchange.

Fuuuuuuuck.

Laptop was clean, so there was a silver lining. I still had to destroy both drives and set some sort of trap for the meetup. I needed that money. I wasn’t going away from this without it.

There was a beep coming from my bedroom, which meant my burner phone had received a message. I put my laptop away and shoved the flash-drives into my pocket, curious as to who had contacted me.

12:34 pm - unknown: bring the drives tonight @ 2 am, 811 lilac rd, construction zone. we have the money.

I knew better than to respond.

My cell rang not long after, and for a moment, I was struck with the fear that they’d somehow gotten my private number and figured out who I was and where I was staying.

But the ID was different. I couldn’t help but grin as I lifted the phone to my ear.

“Hello?”

“Oh...Red X?” Starfire confirmed, sounding a bit taken aback.

“The one and only, cutie.”

“Your voice is different.”

“I don’t live in the suit,” I replied, amused by her curiosity, “why are you calling?”

“I would like to see you tonight.”

Ahhhhh, no, beautiful, we can’t do that.

“I thought you couldn’t sneak out at night.”

“It will be difficult, but I believe I can make it work. If it is convenient for you,” she added hastily.

It really wasn’t, but how could I tell her that?

“Not a problem,” I said smoothly, “meet me at Key Cove tonight, whenever your patrol gets done. Wear something comfortable.”

“Very well. I shall see you then.”

“Sounds good.”

“X? Thank you,” she said softly.

I hung up without another word.

It was not turning out to be my day.

I took a couple of deep breaths and set my phone down, thinking hard about what I was going to do. As far as the date went, I had most things prepared. There was an Italian restaurant down the road, a little bistro called Vinum Domum. It was locally owned by an elderly couple, who were more than happy to offer me a free meal on account of the fact that it was for a date and I apparently needed all the help I could get.

Patrols usually ended between nine and eleven, depending on the route taken and the amount of crime occurring. Jump had a fairly quiet night-life. Starfire would probably show meet me around ten. I’d take her to the planetarium, we’d have a nice dinner, watch the movie I’d selected, hopefully kiss again, and wrap up just in time for me to make the deal. I had enough hours before to try and edit the files so that they were missing the doomsday parts. It would be shitty, and probably a bit obvious that I’d tampered with the drives, but it was significantly better than handing over Jump City’s death certificate.

Plan set, I put it all in motion.

I called Rosalie and Pietro Alexander right away, requesting a bottle of cider and two meals for pick-up in the evening. They made me swear to bring her by the restaurant the next time I had the chance. I laughed, trying not to entertain the idea because if I did, it would be stuck in my head forever.

I retrieved various things from around my apartment - a couple of blankets and pillows, plates, cups, utensils, the DVD I was planning on playing, popcorn, candy, and a pack of battery-operated candles. Stuffed most of it into a bag and set aside the rest to load onto my motorcycle when it came time to leave.

I worked on the files for a couple of hours. Chopped up the uglier parts, patching it up with glitching copies that (hopefully) looked like a virus had eaten away at the documents. I redacted portions of the formula, fiddled with the numbers. Deleted a couple of footnotes, added a few that emphasized the unpredictability of the science and made the data look less reliable. I kept enough information to satisfy them but removed enough to keep people safe. That was all I could really do.

I showered at eight and got a little dressed up. Black fitted jeans and shoes, a maroon button-down, an old woven bracelet that belonged to my mother around my wrist. Packed the Red X suit into the bag I had already filled, keeping the mask and belt ready for use.

All that was left was for me to wait, and I did.

An hour later, I got her message.

10:12 pm - unknown: i will see you shortly

Okay, fuck.

It was now or never.

-

Raven was quick to notice the scarlet blush I was undoubtedly wearing but knew better than to comment until we were safely in the confines of her room.

We teleported to the common room, where Robin, Cyborg, and Beast Boy were still waiting.

“All good?” Robin asked, rising from the couch.

Raven shrugged, sparing me the trouble of responding.

“Didn’t catch him, he was long gone by the time we arrived. Nothing was stolen, but the security officers received an alert that the main lab was breached so there’s a chance some research may have been copied.”

Robin sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose, “okay, we’ll have to deal with that later. Thanks, guys.”

He was rarely so collected when an instance like this occurred. I couldn’t help the warmth that filled me when he turned my way.

“You okay, Star?”

“Hmm?” my blush deepened as I realized what he was asking, “oh, yes, I am the o and the k.”

“Lookin’ a little flushed, princess.” Cyborg teased, nudging Beast Boy with a grin.

“I am simply tired. I would like to turn in for the evening,” I replied in my most dignified tone.

“Good idea, I vote we all do it,” Raven said.

Beast Boy raised an eyebrow, “it’s not even midnight.”

“You could use the beauty sleep,” she shot back.

I giggled behind my hand, grateful for her ability to distract while I composed myself. Cyborg laughed loudly while they bickered, which had become rather frequent as of late. I believe all of us were waiting for them to ‘kiss and make up’, as Cyborg so often told them.

“Guys,” Robin interrupted, shaking his head, “it’s late. If you’re tired, go to bed, if not, make sure you lock the tower down before you leave the common room.”

“Sure thing, Dad.” Beast Boy replied, flopping back onto the couch.

Robin grumbled under his breath and cast me one more glance, before turning and exiting the room.

Raven curled her fingers around my wrist and tugged gently, “we should talk.”

“I believe that would be prudent,” I said, following her into the hallway.

She pulled me into her bedroom and onto the floor, crossing her legs and looking at me expectantly.

“Well?”

I touched my fingers to my lips and smiled faintly, “he kissed me.”

The lights flickered and Raven’s eyes flared for a moment.

“What?” She asked in a dangerously quiet voice.

I explained that I had messed with his belt and arrived at his home, where we had a short conversation.

She waited until I was finished speaking, her mouth pressed in a thin line by the end of my narrative.

“So you guys are dating?”

“We are going on a date,” I corrected, “it may not lead anywhere.”

“But you kissed.”

“Yes.”

“And you enjoyed it,” she confirmed.

I blushed, “surprisingly, yes, very much.”

She leaned back on her hands and sighed, “wow, okay, that’s a lot.”

“I do not mean to burden you-”

“It’s not that,” Raven reassured me, “it’s just...what about Robin?”

My heart fluttered, my stomach churned, my head ached at the sound of his name.

Raven’s eyes widened as I let my emotions flow through me, “I see.”

“Indeed,” I murmured, “my feelings for Robin are complicated. They are still there. I do not think I will ever be rid of them. But Red X makes me feel...desired. Powerful, even. He sees me differently.”

“I’m sure you don’t need me to tell you how terrible of an idea this is?”

I smile, “I am well aware of the repercussions at hand, Raven. I will be discreet.”

“Azar, I hope so,” she muttered, allowing a half-smile to quirk upon her lips, “If this is what you want, I have your back.”

I squeezed her hand gratefully and stayed with her for a little while after, eager to chat about her developing relationship with Beast Boy. She kicked me out of her room shortly after, advising that I go to sleep, warning me that it would not come to me easily.

She was correct. I tossed and turned, contemplating various messages I could send him. Nothing came out of it, except for a single, full thought - I wanted to see him soon.

Just as my eyes gave way to heaviness, the sound of a message pinged from my phone, jolting me awake.

3:26 am - unknown: saturday, 11 am, key cove. see you there.

I bit my lip, thumbs hovering over the digital keyboard. X’hal, how could I possibly wait another day and a half? I could barely make it through this night, let alone another.

If I could establish a means of escape, I could attempt to see him tomorrow.

I opted to set my phone aside and try to sleep. I hoped the next morning would bring some clarity.

I continued to fret quietly for an hour, recalling the kiss over and over in my mind until it was seared in place.

I had never been kissed properly. The others might tell you they witnessed it in Tokyo with the boy on the street, or when I assimilated Atlantean from Aqualad, or when I first met Robin, but that is not true. Language transference, while not unpleasant, does not evoke any enjoyment from me. It is a skill I have used many times with many beings, regardless of how I might feel about them.

But kissing was different. It was not the hard connection between unmoving mouths, guided by a tight grip on the person’s shoulder or neck. There was no rush of thought, no compounded headache as a side-effect.

It was much softer and gentler, like the first kisses I saw so often in films and on television.

One of Red X’s hands had found my waist while the other held my wrist, rubbing circles on my skin with his thumb. His mouth moved sweetly against mine, coaxing movement from my frozen state.

I tugged my hand from his grip and wound my arms around his neck, sliding my fingers along the bottom of his mask to play with the hair at the nape of his neck. He squeezed my hips and pulled me closer, drawing a squeal of surprise from my lips. He deepened the kiss, shaking with silent laughter at my enthusiasm.

Somewhere in the back of my mind, I knew it was not the time, nor the place. Reluctantly, I drew back, stumbling through a goodbye before darting into the air, fighting the urge to look back at him.

I felt angry with myself afterward, for too many reasons. Angry because in a way, I had betrayed Robin. Angry because I had let it go farther than I intended. Angry because somewhere, I knew with full certainty, Raven was correct. Somewhere, something in me had attached itself to Red X. And I was happy because of it.

I slept fitfully through the night, coming in and out of lustful dreams that left me flushed and nervous and exhausted. I was no stranger to these feelings, but with Robin I felt in control, certain of the boundaries and lines we had drawn, comfortable in our established relationship. Now, every rule I had given myself had vanished. I did not know where X’s feelings stretched or where his walls were built; I did not know where he felt comfortable being touched or what he saw in me. It was unexplored territory, and it ignited a delicious fear in me that I could not help but enjoy.

Now, I suppose this was a side-effect of the many romance books I indulged in, where heroines had their hearts stolen by handsome thieves as they were rushed into a whirlwind love story. It was an idea that I found both charming and delightful on so many levels.

I woke when the first rays of sunlight peeked through my curtains. I opted to stay in my room and observe the sunrise on my own. Robin usually liked to join me on the roof most mornings, but I could not bear to be around him while I was feeling so guilty and confused and struck with the love.

Not that I was in love. But I have learned, despite what the phrase implies, that you do not have to mean you love something just because you say you do.

Once dawn had fully broken through the clouds, I considered going back to sleep, but I was too restless to crawl into bed. So I began the day.

I selected some casual garments from my closet - a pair of cropped running pants, a bright purple sports bra with black straps, and a soft blue zippered sweatshirt - and changed out of my sleepwear. It seemed like a pleasant day for a run around Titan Island. Perhaps I could practice training in the simulation hall. I felt charged by the sun, my fingertips tingling with unspent energy.

Quietly, so I would not disturb the others, I slipped out of my room and made my way to the stairwell that led to the rooftop. Robin did not usually linger there unless I was also with him.

I spent a few hours outside. I have always loved the cool taste of the air, salted by the sea breeze. I dove from the tower and allowed myself to fall until I caught onto a large gust of wind and flowed in its direction. I twisted and turned through the air, pushing myself to go faster until everything around me blurred into unfamiliar shapes.

My communicator beeped loudly from my waist and I stopped immediately, hovering in the clouds while I flipped my device open.

“Raven?”

“Starfire, where are you?” she asked impatiently, raising a hand to quiet someone beside her.

“I went out for a morning flight. Why?”

She sighed and shook her head, “Robin got worried when you didn’t join him on the roof this morning. And you weren’t at breakfast, and your communicator indicated you were in the middle of the Pacific Ocean.”

I blushed, averting my gaze, “I may have flown farther than I intended. Please do not worry, I will return shortly.”

“You know,” Raven said quickly, before I could hang up on the call, “Things will never be the same between you two, but you should probably talk to him. Avoiding an issue doesn’t make it go away. He’s starting to feel like he’s losing you.”

“You cannot lose what you never had,”  I said, smiling sadly, “I will see you soon.”

I did not rush back to the Tower. An ugly feeling had settled in the pit of my stomach at the prospect of seeing Robin, who would undoubtedly be frustrated and concerned for my well-being. Raven did the lessening of the situation when she explained it to me - she would only ever call to check on me if something serious motivated her.

I let myself drop lower, nearer to the surface of the water, and dipped my hands in, enjoying the cool after-splash that followed. I spied a trio of dolphins surfacing in the distance, their glistening fins cutting through the rippling sea before they burst through the blue.

I sighed, envious of their freedom. To be with the one you wanted, free to go as you pleased, unburdened by who you might hurt, or who you already have.

I knew I could not delay the inevitable for much longer.

I landed on the rooftop of the tower almost thirty minutes later and hurried to the common room, biting my lip as the doors slid open.

Raven and Robin were in a deep, seemingly heated conversation at the breakfast table, while Beast Boy and Cyborg were cooking something at the stove, their backs turned to me.

I plastered on a cheerful smile and threw my hands into the air.

“Good morning friends!”

Robin’s head snapped up at the sound of my voice, his expression alarmingly blank.

“Good morning to you too, lil’ lady,” Cyborg said with a grin, “where have you been?”

“I merely went for a flight. I apologize, I did not mean to travel so far.” I said, smiling back, “I hope I did not cause any of you concern”

Robin pushed back his chair and stood up.

“Don’t worry, Starfire, you didn’t.”

I dropped to the ground, abandoning all pretenses of happiness as he stalked past me.

“I’m not very hungry, Cy. Got work to catch up on,” he said loudly.

The doors slid shut as soon as he exited the common room, and I felt three pairs of eyes lock on me.

I slid into a seat at the kitchen counter and sighed, resting my chin against my fist.

“He is angry,” I murmured.

Cyborg and Beast Boy exchanged a glance.

“Well, y’know, Star, you’ve been kinda weird around him lately,” Beast Boy offered, rubbing the back of his neck, “he’s probably just worried about you.”

“Is everythin’ okay between you two?” Cyborg asked, touching my shoulder.

I wanted to laugh. Things had never been less okay or more uncertain with Robin and I. I felt sick to my stomach when I thought about where things were headed for us. And worse, the guilt I had felt when I kissed Red X was fading, vanishing so quickly it was as if there had only ever been happiness.

I did not tell Cyborg this. I promised him things were the O and K, and that I was the same, and we would be as well. I excused myself from breakfast quickly and hurried towards my room. I could hear heavy, angry grunts from the gym when I passed it, and the muffled sound of fists attacking a weighted bag. Robin was undoubtedly in there, forcing his fury out in a way that would protect him. I lingered by the doorway for a moment, recalling all the times when I pulled him away from his training or studied his movements with undisguised admiration.

Now it is easy for me to float by, barely sparing a glance as I catch the shadows of his form in the pale lights. This is what it feels like to bury your love so deep it cannot break from your chest. I wonder if this is what Robin feels when he glances at me, in all the moments he thinks I have not noticed his attention.

X’hal, what was I doing to myself? It was not fair to me or Robin or Red X. I could not continue to pine for one boy while tempting the other. It was not right.

The pit in my stomach grew heavier.

-

NEXT: what’s up with Starfire?, some Robin insight, and (finally!!!) the date

[clonerightsagenda]

This was last minute but I'm a grad student so I was mostly drafting from life anyway. You can tell I was losing steam by the end though. All the library details are from my uni library, although I have never seen any dead Union soldiers, or any other ghosts for that matter. The creepy grad cages are my favorite part of giving tours.

 tuesjade prompt: school

The third floor of the library is so quiet every keystroke echoes. Last time you heard someone walking through, it was the security guard on their hourly late night round. You picked this spot for its isolation.

The door leading out into the central stacks creaks open, and you listen for the student's footsteps passing by. Instead, the curtain between your carrel and the stacks twitches back, and you squint out to see Jade waving at you from the other side of the grating. "I like your shower curtain."

"You would. School mascots are just anthro with a veneer of plausible deniability.”

You don't mention that the curtain is on your side of the door, which means she's pulled it backward (and tied it up with businesslike lashwork) with Space powers instead of with her hands. There's no one else in here, and the security cameras can't pick up that level of fine detail.

"Don't science students have their own library?" you ask. Wait shit, it sounds like you're trying to get rid of her. Which you're not, exactly, although if you wanted company you'd be doing research in your apartment. Still, when it comes to people it's safe to be rude to, even after all these years Jade Harley doesn't make your list.

If she takes offense, she doesn't say so. "They do, but a few of my theoretical readings have mentioned Foucault, and I think I've gone as long as I can pretending I know who that is."

"Yeah, you'll get random Foucault encounters in unexpected disciplines. If it's not him it's Derrida popping out of the tall grass of the lit review. Philosophers were never meant to escape."

"You would know." She glances at the shelves nearby. This section is materials so old they're still in Dewey instead of Library of Congress - another reason you preferred the spot. No one needs this stuff. "How many libraries do all your programs fit into?"

"A couple, but this is the best one." You've got a pretty good setup here, if you say so yourself. Books stacked up on the makeshift shelving unit, your own modem wired into the wall to make up for the library's spotty wifi, and a mini microwave tucked under your feet. Home away from home. "None of the others let you rent carrels."

"Is that what they're called? They look more like spooky library jail cells."

"Some undergrads passed through a few hours ago while I was typing and I heard one whisper, ‘I think there's a graduate student in there.’ They screamed and ran when I sneezed."

She giggles. "They thought you were a ghoooost."

"If anywhere on campus were haunted, this would be it." The third floor stacks are perpetually poorly lit. Thanks to later additions to a library building only Escher could love, the arched windows on the far wall open to nothing but brick. In Roxy's words, "it’s where you go to get some serious ass studying done or to share a hip flask with a Civil War ghost.”

"Actually, I asked Aradia, and she said it's clean. The chancellor's house, on the other hand, definitely registers as harboring some kind of otherworldly presence. We haven't determined whether it's the chancellor yet."

"Take a look at some of the desks and tell me this place isn't possessed by demonic energies." Graffiti springs up faster than the staff can afford to replace furniture, and when the wooden desks are too choked with pen doodles and carved Greek letters, people move to the walls. If they're not sharing their phone numbers, they're swapping insults with rival frats. You take anthropological interest in this detritus, although one time you'd tried to decipher a Sharpie scribble, made out "We fucked here ;)", and speedily left the seat.

"Rose says the building appeals to your Gothic sensibilities."

"If she compares me to Lord Byron, tell her those are fighting words."

Jade peers in, and you make a halfhearted effort to push the clutter of Monster cans and energy bar wrappers out of her line of sight. "How long have you been in there?"

You stretch your legs as far as they can go, which isn’t far. "I can still feel my feet, and if I have circulation that means it's been under ten hours."

She purses her lips. "Dirk..."

You gesture toward your open PDF files. Several are still waiting for you to review their footnotes. "This dissertation isn't going to write itself."

"It won't write itself if you're dead either."

"Overwork is neither Heroic nor Just."

"Are you sure?"

"I'm confident on a philosophical basis."

She shakes her head. "I know I'm up a little late too. I had a night class on campus, and then I had a bunch of grading to do… You know how I lose track of time when I'm working sometimes." When you'd all lived together, both of you would get lost in projects and miss meals, only noticing the time when someone showed up to drag you out of your room. Jade had started setting timers for herself. She recommended the habit, but you hated having a buzzer interrupt your thoughts. Things take the time they take.

"I've heard rumors about your grading." You may not have a vibrant social network, but you keep your ear to the ground on social media. There's a waiting list for section 4 of Physics 1000. If you weren't long past gen ed credit requirements, you'd take it yourself. "Everyone thinks you'll be a soft touch."

You couldn’t teach. It still takes effort for you to spit out “Good job” to a friend. Your brain, conditioned by years of self-criticism, jumps over congratulations to what’s next and what they could do better. If a three-year-old presented you with their fingerpainting, your first reaction would probably be to tell them to wash their hands. No one deserves to be subjected to that. Isn’t Dave living proof?

“They have to learn,” Jade says. She doesn’t love it when people can’t keep up either, but she, unlike you, has historically been able to slow down and let them catch up without beating the lesson into them. "I let anyone who wants come into office hours. We'll walk through the concepts together and then they can resubmit. It's not my fault if they don't want to try. But anyway, I don't make a habit of all-nighters.” There she goes, picking the thread of the conversation back up again. She’s always been good at that, no matter how much people try to dodge. “They're not good for you. So how about once I finish looking up whoever this very important French guy is, I take you home?"

"Isn't that out of your way?"

She snaps her fingers. "The teleportation express runs 24/7 and omnidirectionally."

"Shit, I should have asked you for a ride here. On the shuttle I got stuck between some guy dumping his date over the phone and an octogenarian professor who might've died while we were in traffic."

"Ask me any time. I'm glad I ran into you tonight though, and not just to rescue you from dying in the depths of Web of Science. Jane wanted me to pass on that your resolution for the graduate assembly got voted down."

"Another one for the garbage, huh?" You click out of the open PDFs and drag them into your 'To process' folder. As much as you’ll never admit it, your blood pressure drops along with the number of tabs open. "I've given them the opportunity to be relevant on this campus, but if they want to keep kissing the administration's ass, that's their business."

"It's hard to challenge the people giving you funding. I'm writing grant applications for the lab this semester, believe me, I know."

Money. That’s an aspect of civilization you hadn’t missed growing up in its waterlogged ruins. For an institution allegedly devoted to higher knowledge, this place is obsessed with it.

"Speaking of which,” Jade continues, “Jane also said if you try anything else the board might pass a new resolution to stop letting you submit resolutions."

You snap your laptop shut. "This is homophobia."

She snorts. "I won't be long, I just need to track down a selected works book. Then I'll come back and we can get out of here."

" I can't be held responsible for any losses to scholarship." You stand up and stretch. Something in your back pops, and your head swims. Ok, maybe you've been sitting here too long.

"I'll take the blame from the academy. Just get tidied up while you're waiting." She looks critically at your collection of Monster cans. "You can recycle those, you know."

By the time Jade gets back with a thick-spined book on philosophy, you’re out of your carrel and have brushed most of the crumbs off yourself. The recyclables have been scooped up and dumped into your backpack’s outer pocket. It’ll be a sticky mess later. “Are you ready to go?” she asks

“Sure.” It’s not even one, which makes this the earliest you’ve gotten home all week. You’re struck by an impulse to yawn and almost crack your jaw resisting it. For fuck’s sake, it’s only November. You’re not allowed to get tired until March at the earliest.

Everything flashes green, and before you have time to rub your eyes, you’re standing outside your front door. Part of you expects to walk through together, but you don’t all live under the same roof anymore. Growing older changes things, even for gods.

“You’re coming to the group dinner next weekend, right?” she asks.

You dig in your pocket for your key. There must be some sort of interdimensional portal in there, it’s fucking ridiculous. Roxy probably knows about eldritch creatures that eat housekeys, that’s got to be within the Void’s purview. “It’s at Jane’s place this time, right?”

“It was the last time I checked.”

“I’ll be there.”

“Then I’ll see you later. Have a good night!” She waves and vanishes before you have time to reply. So instead you turn around, stick the key in the lock, and step inside.

 (Dirk would be one of those zombified PhD candidates who you can find obsessively scrolling through 50-year-old dissertations on microfilm at 3 am. He IS the library ghost. He doesn't attend any committee meetings because he's overscheduled but he does send proxies with detailed questions/comments/concerns for every agenda item. If they knew what he looked like, the other committee members would probably kill him on sight.)

[elevenhoursinfront-blog]

February 23rd 2017

Steve’s alarm went off at 0500. Not that I heard. In fact, I didn’t even hear him get down from his bed or getting ready for work. I must’ve been dead to the world. My alarm was on for 0900 but I was woken up at 0800. The German girls got in at 0400 and their alarm went off for 13 WHOLE MINUTES before they even realised it was going off. That doesn’t sound too long but an alarm ring is roughly 3 seconds long before it repeats itself. I wanted to cry. When one of the girls turned it off, Josh shouted “FINALLY!” from his bed. That’s how bad it was. I’m glad it wasn’t just me who was annoyed with it.

I said hello to our new roommates from yesterday - I’m fairly sure they’re British but they were just leaving as I got up so there was no introduction as such. The German girls were packing up their stuff and Josh just got back from breakfast, he had to check out by 1000 also. I went down to breakfast. It felt weird going down on my own. I did leave the room singing “One is the loneliest number that you’ll ever do” - Josh laughed. I only had Weetabix. I wasn’t feeling particularly hungry. I will add that their Weetabix here is pretty nasty. Good job I borrowed those sweeteners from Starbucks.

It was roughly 0930 when I finished my breakfast. I had an interview at 1100 but I still didn’t know the address. The guy was meant to text the address over to me yesterday but he didn’t. I did text for it last night but still no reply. I rang him and he answered straight away (he was really grumpy, definitely in a bad mood). I apologised straight away for bothering him again and asked for the location for the interview. He just kept on saying “Hello? Hello? HELLO?”. He could definitely hear me. He hung up on me after the third hello, so I got the hint. No interview. I went back to bed. I said goodbye to Josh although it wasn’t goodbye. He was only going across the street and hopefully he’ll be back to Mad Monkey as soon as possible. When he got to his room, he text me to say he could see our window. I went to the window and waved - he waved back. I received my first texts from Steve around 1200. He got to work at 0600 when he was meant to start at 0700. He wanted to leave earlier to make sure he found the right location but his timings were still very wrong. It was only 2 train stops and 1 bus stop until he got to the right place. A coffee shop was opening as he jumped off the bus so he sat there and had a drink. He started to look around for the construction site. He asked a few people who didn’t know where he needed to be. Eventually, someone told him to go into an office where he was working. He was told he would be finishing around 1530. An 8 hour day is good. Sometimes construction work can be for 4-5 hours only. This means for one day’s work, he will be bringing home $200. He got a half an hour break for lunch at 1200. Steve still managed to forget to fill up his bottle of water and take a fork with him. Both of which were on the list I made him. Typical Steven.

I spoke to a couple of my friends before they went to sleep. It was roughly midnight back at home. It was 1130 before I realised that I had to do something with my day. I showered and got ready. I got ready for… Nothing. I had no idea what to do. I knew I had to get a job but I was actually feeling pretty sorry for myself. I hated being on my own. Steve and I had spent every day together since January 4th. It was weird not having him around. Don’t get me wrong - I love having space from each other especially on the days I want to ring his neck, but it was just odd. The worst part was being in a new country that I didn’t know so well.

Two new roommates walked through the door. Two girls… From Canada. Jess and Steph. They’re really nice. They’ve just been travelling Southeast Asia. I’m so jealous. Steve and I want to do that so badly. They’re in Australia for one month but have only booked two nights at Mad Monkey. They may extend if they like it and if there’s space. They’re gorgeous and so petite. Complex coming…   I went to the travel agency that allows us free internet use and paid for printing. It’s 50c a sheet to print which is really expensive. I was going to find a library but the one in Kings Cross is shut so I would’ve had to pay the price in travel anyway. I printed a few of my CV’s off and put them into my folder. This actually took almost two hours. It would’ve taken a hell of a lot longer if it wasn’t for Steve’s Uncle Sean. He changed my CV into a PDF form so I can now print using the computers here. Savior Sean!

It was 1400 and I started to feel peckish. I went back to the hostel and made some lunch. The famous turkey mince and salad, of course! It was nice having lunch in the afternoon. There wasn’t many people around either which is always a bonus when it comes to the kitchen. There were two new people in the kitchen that seemed nice enough. I spoke to them whilst I cooked, both from England. The girl would not shut up though so I was secretly hoping she wasn’t put into our room. There was one empty bed left.

I went back to my room to apply for more jobs. Applying online was better and more economical… I could also do this properly now thanks to Uncle Sean and his PDF file. I had a massive headache for an unknown reason. I had drank water with my lunch and I wasn’t in the sun for more than 10 minutes. Strange. I put my hoody on and got into the covers. Not because I was tired, but because the aircon works too well. I’m not moaning, I’m just explaining…

Steve woke me up at 1630 when he got in from work. It appears, I may have fallen asleep whilst applying for jobs. Exciting stuff and all that… His first words were “Busy day?”. Sarcastic much! I was so excited to hear about his day but the first thing he did was eat his lunch. He’ll definitely remember his fork tomorrow! He received a text before he got in asking him to work again tomorrow which is brilliant. He spent the day working with 4 other labourers - 3 with the agency Steve is with. One English, one Irish, one Scottish and one from New Zealand. 3 are staying in Kings Cross also but different hostels across the road. He was based underground making a new car park (I think, I’ve probably got this wrong. He always tells me I don’t listen to him). The car park is going to be beneath shops which will be beneath flats. Today was a hot day roughly 30 degrees but underground it’s even hotter. Steve said they were all dripping wet from sweat. He was constantly bending down which meant the sweat was falling onto his glasses and he couldn’t see. He should get contacts but I don’t know whether he will be able to put them in and take them out. Something to try when we get home I guess. He had to mix cement and put the cement onto the wall with his hands… Weird right? He didn’t understand either but just got on with it. He was using Cango which is a Jackhammer to break up the concrete. General bits and bobs too like sweeping up and filling the skips with rubbish. He said it was good and he wasn’t really moaning which is a first. A good first day if you ask me. He jumped into the shower and got changed.

I was really jealous that Steve was working. I love to work. I love to be busy and have things to do. I felt like a spare part today. I knew Steve would find work first doing construction but I also thought I might’ve had friends by now, too. Steve fancied chocolate and asked if we could go to the shops… This was only going to end one way - an argument. And it did. It was my fault to be honest but I only mean well. Steve got a basket and filled it up with two massive bars of Dairy Milk, Ice Cream and Jelly Babies. I asked him to put the Ice Cream and one chocolate bar back. We had no freezer for the ice cream and he had to have his dinner first so there was no point. It would just melt. Steve began to sulk like a 3 year old down the isle. Literally, even his feet and bottom lip were going! I’m trying ever so hard to eat healthy and to get Steve to eat healthy but he has no will power. It’s difficult for me to stay on track when he’s eating like that. His metabolism is very different to mine. Dairy Milk is stupidly expensive here so that was another reason I asked him to put it back. He only wanted one chocolate bar and it turned into a basket full of snacks. Steve spends his life with champagne taste with cider money. He got his own way of course because he is an adult and he can do what he likes. He will be the first to come running to me when his bank balance is 50c and he has put on another stone! I’m only trying to look out for him.

I had dinner on my own - not because of the “argument”, but because Steve had ice cream for dinner. That’s all he wanted. I made pesto pasta with salad. I was feeling pretty low. Homesick most likely. I made Steve bolognese to take to work for lunch and put it in the fridge. I came upstairs and chilled out for a little while. I spoke to Steph and Johnny about their days whilst Steve was flicking through his phone. Just to add, Steve didn’t even manage his Dairy Milk bars or Jelly Babies… He is famous for the ‘eyes bigger than your belly’ situation. I ended the night in tears. A lot of tears in fact. And it appears I’m crying again whilst typing this… Bugger. This is where my Dad would call me a tart. I think I’m a little home sick. It didn’t help being on my own for the whole day and knowing I have to do the same again tomorrow. I’m not even able to speak to friends or family during the day when I am alone because it’s the middle of the night. Stupid time difference. Anyway, I need to man up. I’m just tired and it doesn’t help that I’m not losing any weight either. This really affects me, a lot more than it should do.

Tomorrow is another day though, another page in the book, another blog. I plan on waking up (without a 13 minute alarm), handing out my CV’s and going to the gym. We’ll see what happens.