#anyway just dropping by on tumblr to share the gender crisis with you all how have you been hope easter went well! <3 | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

bowl-of-shortness · 4 years ago

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*Sending this anonymously since I'm not out* (please don't try to out me, I will cry. If you think you might know who I am, pls don't ask if you're right. I have anxiety and I'm scared to share this as is)

So what you said about being asexual and demiromantic and not feeling like you can contribute to conversations, I FELT that.

I feel like the only way to join conversations about attractive people is by lying. I feel so guilty because I have never figured out what else to do. They all just look like people?

I've literally created a checklist in my head of society's standards because I have no idea what else to judge on. Calling everyone beautiful feels so fake but to me they just... are. People are only "ugly" to me when they're mean. Like to me, beauty is based on personality and I dont understand how other people do it. How can you rate a face without a story? (Like I can only do that when I assume things about people's lives based on their looks??? And it's normally wrong assumptions because "don't judge people based off looks alone" is correct??? Yet people just... do this? Like "they're hot" but isn't that what you're not supposed to do, like???)

I recently came out to my best friends as ace, and even then, they still bring it up every time they're rating people or talking attractive characters, as in the "we know you have no opinion or whatever" and I hate it. Like now that they know I'm ace, it feels like they're actively pushing me out of conversations or want to see what an ace rates them as. (They wouldn't if I asked, but it's kinda fun to participate, I feel more normal. Even if I am just lying) I feel a bit uncomfortable rating people because they think it's based of asthetics but to me I'm just making up numbers. (Its less lying now that they know I'm not sexually attracted to people, but it still hurts. It's nice that they recognize I don't relate and I'm not banning a conversation topic, it just hurts and I'll just take it silently instead of making a fuss. I guess this is just what I was just born to endure, huh.)

Literally, people used to ask me if my ex (SO at the time) was cute or whatever and I always said yes. I was making it up because ya know, I didn't feel that way. I had NO sexual attraction to them but I sold that lie to be normal. I finally came to terms with the fact that I am asexual recently, almost a year to the date I broke up with the only SO I ever forced myself to have. (That tale is a tragedy and I have massive amounts of guilt for the lies I told them to sell that I was a normal hetero cis person. I did so much wrong by them and I hope someday I can forgive myself for it.)

I thought I was bi when I first let myself belive I'm not a normal straight because I felt the same level of attraction across the gender spectrum. (I accepted how I felt about the person of the opposite gender was a crush and then realized I felt the same way about someone of the same gender. That was a crisis) Zero equals zero, wasn't really lying.

Anyway, all that to say that:

You are valid and realateable AF. Conversations about attraction is so uncomfortable and isolating and I'm so thankful you're brave enough to bring it up

I'm also really trying to figure out if I'm panromantic, or demiromantic, or whatever and I'm unsure what to do. Why can't there just be an accurate uquiz.... :(

Like, I think I may be demi something because I have literally only ever had "crushes" on my best friends. I'm not 100% sure what a crush is, but I'm assuming that when I tell myself "don't think of your friends like that, that's wierd" that I'm just mad at myself for acquiring a crush on my bestie.

I have no one to talk to about this because they are firm believers in not dating friends (both have been burned) and I am terrified they'll find out that I can't imagine a relationship with anyone other than a best friend. Like what do I do? I'm so tired fam. I don't think they will be mad if I tell them I'm demi romantic (I'm currently going with panromantic since that just seems easier) and I'm scared they'll find out I realized my sexuality through crushed I had on them, since they're opposite genders and I've had the same "crush" on both of them.

Only wanting romance with friends is so hard because to most people, friends aren't for dating but for talking about potential dates and I hate it.

It's nice to know that I'm following a fellow ace person who gets the romantic struggle. I think you're an icon, and I'm glad that you're in a place where you can be out.

I know we're not close or anything, but I'm really happy to know that there's someone else out there who I can relate to when I can't say a word anywhere else. I hate keeping up the charade, but I'm not in the kind of place where I can drop it. If you're interested in my situation and why I'm forever closeted, I've got quite the tale. but I've ranted enough here. (I won't force my life story on you, I know you want a positive blog and this ramble isn't very positive. I can shut up and vanish if you never want to hear from me again)

Thanks for having your anons on <3

I wish I could dm you and just chat (if you were even interested) but I can't (IRL people know my Tumblr and I dont want to make a new one unless it's necessary.) If there's anything you wanna chat about, I hope I stumble across it on my dash. I hope its okay if I hide behind anon asks.

Thanks for representing people like me. Sorry for the ramble, I guess I needed to get more off my mind than I realized. Thanks for being a safe space to vibe for a while. It's nice to be around other, perfectly valid people like me. I look up to you in a sense ♡

(But seriously, if this is too much drama and you don't want me to do this again, you don't even need to post this I won't bother you again without your consent)

I- wow.

That’s really all I can say.

I’m very glad that you feel just as recognized here as an asexual as you should be. And I know what every single one of these struggles is like. Personally, I never Liked to force things onto myself which has been Both a blessing and a curse.

It’s great because I don’t have to deal with a relationship but over time people stop wanting to be around you for it. But eventually, I found a friend group who respected what I did and didn’t want to talk about. And unfortunately even though some people may be nice and friendly to you, that doesn’t mean that you and that person are going to click.

I think you might want to start being more open about not wanting to talk about these things when you’re around them, and if that’s scary and difficult, start small. I get it. But the more you stay quiet and the more morning is going to change.

So yea, I don’t mind the ask! I guess I didn’t even realize that me just openly existing as Aspec was a huge thing to a lot of people, so I’m glad I could help, I hope everything gets better for you anon. Have a lovely day/afternoon/evening 💖💖💖

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artificialqueens · 6 years ago

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Waiting For Your Moment To Fall On Me (Vixie) - Pilandok

AN: I haven’t been here in a while. Oh wow, I’m writing Vixie again. It’s because of the odd resurgence of Vixie pics on tumblr and Trixie’s ig story of that poodle figurine and she tagged Violet. *tears*

This is part of my drabble collection in Ao3 although it’s longer than a drabble. Read the other drabbles here:

I Love You Anyway

It’s the Same Old Thing

The first time Violet kissed Trixie, it was a joke, though more like a prank. A little mean-spirited gesture meant to throw Trixie off and it did. He reacted the way Violet wanted to: frustrated, blubbering, and blushing furiously. Before Violet could bask in her victory, production came over and scolded them, saying they should stop bickering like children and in not too many words that this was not the kind of drama they were looking for. Not them throwing playground insults (“no, you’re the ugly bitch”) at one another.

Trixie had all but forgotten that fight until he watched that episode of Untucked and found that it didn’t make the cut. Trixie didn’t think too much about the disappointment he felt. He wanted to know how it looked like.

“It would’ve made great TV!” Violet shouted. This was in another time, in another place—in Violet’s New York apartment just after her fashion show. Miss Fame was there and, through a series of random happenstances, Trixie was, too.

“Yeah, if I was going to get assaulted by you on day twelve of you not showering then the least I could get was more screen time.”

“Must be because they couldn’t think of a storyline between the season winner and someone who was there for like a total of two seconds,” Violet replied. She was clinging to Miss Fame, demanding affection like a cat.

“Bitch!” Trixie screams.

“Wait, that happened? That happened?” Fame asked, confused as ever. She turned her head side to side to look at Violet and Trixie who were sitting either side of him. They didn’t answer her. Trixie looked at Fame affectionately and hugged the arm that Violet wasn’t clinging to. Fame leaned against him slightly. When Violet saw this, she made a sound and repositioned herself to curl up on Miss Fame’s lap.

“Did you just purr?” Trixie asked, laughing.

“Shut up,” Violet retorted. What she hated was that Trixie got under her skin as much as she did him and can that he can throw her off, too. She still hadn’t forgiven Trixie clocking her missing contact that first day in the workroom.

“That’s what happens when you spend too much time around that evil cat of yours.”

“Do not come for my cats, bitch.” Violet sat up to glare at Trixie. “Just because your only friends growing up were the feral mutts you had to take flea baths with, you country hick.”

“No, I’m serious, Violet. Your cat looks like it’s plotting to kill you for your pasties.”

“Bitch, you’re just jealous they got more hair than you.”

The bickering and fighting for Miss Fame’s attention wasn’t new, it was a familiar scene for all of them. It wasn’t just Fame, it was anyone who gets caught up in their stupid arguments. But with Katya, she has enough affection to give both of them, and Pearl doesn’t care enough to humor either of them. Fame enjoyed the attention but she can’t help but think about those cockfighting videos he watched when he was younger that left him traumatized.

By the time Fame left them for a sanity break, Trixie and Violet have circled back to “you’re the ugly bitch” and “no, you’re the ugly bitch.” Back and forth, they throw shallow insults at each other that became so convoluted and obscure that it was driving them to hysterical laughter.

“Fuck,” Violet was tearing up, the laughing was hurting her sides. “In drag, you look like a factory-reject matryoshka doll that came out of Katya’s ass.” Trixie opened her mouth to scream but Violet wasn’t done yet, “and out of drag you look like a homunculi baby Jesus that Mary regretted not aborting.”

“Oh my god,” Trixie laughed in disbelief. After a beat he quipped, “it’s homunculus, by the way, singular.”

Violet punched his abdomen slightly and Trixie realized that she was resting her head on his lap. With Fame in the other room, Violet had redirected his affection to Trixie.

“No bitch, plural,” Violet answered, “you’re literally a thousand ugly babies.”

Violet had been tracing her fingers absentmindedly on Trixie’s stomach and suddenly he became conscious of the shift in the mood. An odd tension bubbled up He felt compelled to continue their insult trade-off to escape the strange atmosphere.

“And you… you’re—you look like…” Trixie was coming up with blanks and he caught Violet looking at him smugly. He realized that Violet knew exactly what was she was doing.

“You can’t think of anymore cause you know I’m pretty,” Violet said, now fully confident, “you know I’m hot.”

Trixie is sure that it was meant to be a jab but it sounded like a challenge. They’ve been arguing the whole night, he wasn’t about to give up now. He just needed to throw Violet off once more. And he knew exactly how to do that.

They had their second kiss that night—and their third, their fourth, and fifth, and sixth.

—

Their seventh was the start of a game. In a boat full of drag queens, the objective was to not get caught. Trixie didn’t know how it escalated to that point, but the next thing he knew, they were ducking corners to sneak quick kisses from each other. In the crowd, they catch each other’s hands with lingering touches and without anyone looking, they share knowing winks.

It concerned Trixie slightly that Violet was living her best life playing this game—giggling whenever she managed to steal a kiss before Trixie even saw her coming, grabbing her ass in the presence of other people, then whispering for him to follow her to darker rooms for full make out sessions. Trixie followed, naturally, though he realized soon enough that it stopped being a game they played together because now they were on different teams. His task became that he had to keep up with Violet jumping around endlessly, popping out of nowhere to tease him. Violet’s objective seemed to be to get Trixie, who wasn’t in drag, to pitch a tent. And with that, Violet nibbled on Trixie’s ear then ran off. Trixie’s sure she was playing to win.

Maybe they weren’t as secretive as they thought they were, especially with the free-flowing drinks leaving them significantly buzzed.

“You have something on your neck,” Kim Chi said, making a motion to wipe it off. Trixie rushed to wipe it himself and found some pigment of what was unmistakably Violet’s purple. Kim Chi looked at her with a raised eyebrow. Trixie ignored it and turned to look for Violet, spotting her a few acquaintances over talking to some people. He waited for a few seconds before marching over, catching her as she was trying to slip away from the conversation.

She laughed when he explained her carelessness, “thought you knew, bitch.” Violet patted him on the crotch as she walked away for good measure. Despite his irritation, he felt something stir up inside him. He was losing bad. Trixie rushed to follow Violet who was already talking to another group of people. He cut in unceremoniously.

“Oh, excuse me. I’m going to need to borrow Violet because some folks were looking for her to talk business,” he said innocently and turned to Violet. “Vi, those people from ancient-twinks-dot-com want to talk to you about the project you proposed?”

Violet’s mouth dropped in disbelief but before she could protest, Trixie grabbed her by the wrist and began cutting through the crowd. He led them to the bathrooms, gendered signs being ignored throughout the night, and pulled them into the nearest one.

“Bitch, you—mmph! “Violet’s lips were quickly occupied by Trixie’s as he pushed her against the wall of the bathroom. It was a hungry and hurried kiss with his face pressing harshly onto Violet’s. Her arms darted out to steady herself but Trixie was quick to hold on to her wrists to pin them above her head. Fuck, Violet thought she may be starting to lose again, whatever this game was. They kept changing the rules that she didn’t know exactly what it entailed to win.

Violet didn’t struggle against the grip, instead returning the kiss with equal vigor. Trixie didn’t let off, continuing to kiss her roughly and in the heat of the moment, he bit down on her lip harshly.

Violet responded with a strangled noise, bucking her hips instinctively.

This reaction surprised Trixie enough to pull away. He released his grip on her arms and they fell limply to her sides as she slid slightly against the wall. Violet looked spent and the sight of her flushed and panting redirected whatever blood flow was left to his brain southbound.

Trixie let himself slump forward on to Violet. She felt his whole body against hers and found the rigidness between his legs pressing against her thigh. Trixie took her hand again and guided it to press against his erection over his pants. Violet perked up, this had got to be an admission of defeat.

“Nobody makes me as hard as you do,” Trixie said in a strained voice. It was a strangely intimate statement. More intimate than Trixie probably realized. This caught Violet off-guard and despite her flushed skin, she blushed. Her sure-win was suddenly becoming unclear again as her mind began to race at Trixie’s words. Violet kept thinking about how much she liked having Trixie like this, pressed up against her and so very conscious about how much he wants her.

Trixie didn’t make an attempt to move and was seemingly unaware of Violet’s internal crisis.

“It wasn’t the game or whatever,” Trixie began, “I brought you here cause I wanted to do that.”

Violet wondered if Trixie was hearing what he was saying, she wonders if he’s still playing the game because her winning was starting to feel like she was losing again. But this time, he seemed to have little desire to analyze his own words, just content in having said those things out loud. Violet remained quiet, although she could swear that Trixie could feel her heart rattling against her rib cage. If he did, he didn’t say anything about it.

A few minutes more passed before Trixie pushed himself off Violet, gesturing to the door. Violet understood this as them needing to get out before people got suspicious. Trixie chuckled when he saw how messed up Violet looked. She glared at him but was met with Trixie’s apologetic smile. For some reason, neither of them was saying anything. Trixie left first and Violet took the time to fix herself up and gather her thoughts. Her mind was in a whirl, she wanted to do something about it.

It was easier than she thought, to forget that they were in a game. Even though everything before was just that.

Violet suddenly rushed out of the bathroom to look for Trixie, the thought of the game now filed under things that don’t matter. No more sneaking around, she just wanted to kiss Trixie again. Maybe in the middle of a boat full of their peers and queer cruisers, it didn’t matter.

She found him on the other side of the deck, leaning against a railing. Violet made her way to Trixie, not noticing that he was talking to their friends. Trixie spotted her when she was a few meters away and made a face as if he hadn’t seen her all night long. The fake expression fell away, however, when he realized Violet was making a beeline for him.

Right before Violet reached him, there was a loud explosion in the sky behind Violet. She didn’t turn around, however, fixated only on Trixie. She watched the flashes of colors appear on his face and only then did she realize that they were surrounded by people they knew.

Fuck it, let them see.

Violet pulled Trixie by his shirt and pressed her mouth onto his. When Trixie wrapped his arms around her waist, it felt like her last victory for the night.

When they pulled away from the kiss, the fireworks were still ongoing. Everyone on the deck was fixated on the sight. Including everyone around that they knew.

Trixie looked at Violet incredulously. Nobody saw them.

“How did you know that there was going to be a fireworks display?”

Violet laughed, as surprised as Trixie was because she had no idea, no idea at all.

#pilandok #vixie #soft smut #oneshot #trixie mattel #violet chachki #rpdr fanfiction #canon compliant

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