#anyway it's either write fanfic or feel nauseous the rest of the day

[television-overload]

Ignoring the necessity of making a big girl decision about the job offer I got by instead furiously writing fanfiction like my life depends on it

[modern-oedipus]

Update: I’ve been super sick ever since the morning. I think the stress piled up because I was super nauseous (and I... don’t even get nausea? Maybe I’ve thrown up once or twice within last 10 years and that’s it? So it’s extremely rare for me to get this bad?) and I had to skip my morning classes, then I dragged my ass to campus miserably on a terrible cold rain because I had to join biochemistry lab (labs are mandatory and if you miss one lab session you fail the lab), then I came back to home righf after, read a lil Falling for Your Voice and then just slept like the dead.

It’s around 9.30 pm now but I feel as if I was hit by a truck. On the bright side, maybe this was the decharge I needed, because I slept a lot and while my stomach still hurts I feel very rested, mentally and emotionally, which means I’m ready for the weekend in which we are going to study hard because we have three midterms ahead! I’m planning to reward myself with pizza and dessert tomorrow (definitely not today, I feel like my will to eat is back but I don’t want to risk it) and... get it done? Really.

There was an interesting encounter between me and my friends today. You know, college is college— it’s normal for people to have suicidal tendencies or make dark humor jokes at this point. By no means I think less of anyone, but one of my not-so-high-scoring friend jokingly said during the lab like, “I think I’m gonna kill myself on tuesday, there is so much going on.” and another friend of mine joined jokingly like, “Well, call me if you do, not to stop you but to die with you.” and I honestly thought of Dazai Osamu but anyway that’s not the point—

Another friend of mine, whom I briefly had a crush on in fact, approached from behind and joined halfway through the conversation asking what we are up to. Now this guy is a high scoring one and he’s kinda sweet and he multitasks many stuff and he usually does it well. So my other friend complained about how she was going to die (jokingly), and he just put his hands on my shoulder reassuringly, grinned at her, and said, “Well darlings, it means we are going to work a lot, get lil sleep, but also get this done!” and in that moment I noticed what a big difference the mindset can make.

Because that girl doesn’t believe in herself. She will just pass through but she will spend most of her time feeling sad instead of getting the work done (how do I know? Haha. Maybe I was like that too.) while he will just, get the work done, regardless. Both will suffer but in the end he will at least get a payback for his suffering? And the fact that he can say this smiling, with a non-sarcastic smile as well? So cute. I mean coUGHS that seriously gave me some motivation! I didn’t talk in that conversation I think, I was so blown by my realization of how important mindset is and also how he touched my shoulders but wow good shit.

I think I’m getting back. I won’t be too slow getting back to you all and getting back to my life but I won’t jump right away either because I still feel mildly in pain, which is a huge indication that it is me overworking myself.

Me and my friend had talked what we’d go out partying no matter what tonight but since I’m sick I cancelled that as well.

Also, I don’t know whether the authors of the fanfics will read this completely random diary-based post of mine until the end but honestly? Reading Falling for your voice calmed me down, like, I did try to write some of my fanfics but I was having extreme writer’s block and I couldn’t think of anything better than reading that cozy story (and also the author handles hurt/comfort so well? Unlike me who downright breaks the characters. I feel like I’m safe when I read the stories, which is so odd, but comforting), and also there is this nsfw-ish request of mine that was written sjfkvkdn and I kept thinking about Ray Grace smacking Norman’s fine butt and it is so hot and I’m so pleased and like. I also got COMMENTS like multiple COMMENTS on my fics aND alSO aaAaAAAaAAAAAaA Ari sent me?? Pics of?? Ray the perfection???? Of the perfect art?( and his ice cream???? AND THE FLOUR ON HIS CHEEKS?????? AND HIS SHY, UNCOMFORTABLE LOOK???? I JUST LOVE?? So much?????

As I said I’ll take things a lil slowly so I’m just making one big post about all updates today and getting individual replies back tomorrow. For now I need to eat (would u believe me, ME, the girl who lives for food hasn’t eaten anything except half a banana entire day) a bit, and then do biochemistry revision. It is cold outside, but somehow my heart feels so warm after my encounters with my friends and also from everything that happens on Tumblr.

Okay, this post doesn’t have a conclusion, but like... I really wanted to draw fanart for falling for your voive except I’m not an artist and I don’t know how to make Normie and Ray look nice. I know that’s not an excuse, I can just learn, but honestly, with this workload I can’t afford that yet. I don’t know. As I said, I am hesitant to go all way as I get myself back to life because I’m worried of another collapse, so this is enough for today. I apologize from everyone whose replies I delayed. Honestly, it is same on my irl messages too. I tend to not find the energy to reply back sometimes and these last two weeks were really some tough college life. Don’t ever take it personal! Anyway, complaining about past has a limit, I’m looking forward to revise my favorite class now! (Yes, biochemistry, haha. Though I only love it because I love the professor and the theory. Biochemistry labs are always so time consuming and I’d rather do something like bioinformatics if I chose a career. But still, biochemistry is all about understanding the life... it always mesmerizes me. I’m amazed.)

So stay safe and please don’t hesitate to message me even if I reply late! I really get this warm safe feeling when I am here, and, not detached. ❤️

Ah, enough talk, I feel like I’m talking to void since this isn’t a private message but I’ve written so far so I might as well post it.

Oh— one last thing! I seem to have a writer’s block! It is okay, I know it is temporary, but since I’m both short on time and not inspired, it is likely that there will be no updates this week! But after that I get two weeks free before finals so I may post! Maybe I update The Promised Wonderland, I like soft boi Norman having his innocent crushes, he is so cute, and pure, and I love these babies.

[hold-my-hair-back]

I love your writing I'm so glad I found ur blog!! Any chance you can write a fic with Dean with a really burpy stomach bug and Castiel looking after him? xx

I know I haven’t posted a story in forever but life got chaotic. Anyway, here’s a request fill while I work on an OC story. OCs usually take longer for me to write for some reason so I’m gonna quickly put this fanfic out haha. Much love to the Anon who sent it.

Takes place around season 5 . So… Spoilers up to that point.

———————————–

After being back from forty years of relentless, excruciating torture in Hell which impacted Dean drastically on a physical and mental level, being benched during a hunt by his little brother was almost humiliating. Especially considering the fact that it due to a stomach bug of all things and the hunt was nothing more than just a spirit – something that should be a walk in the park for someone who went through literal Hell, but, no. Sam had to go and give Dean his sad puppy-dog eyes and give the whole ‘You were dead for four months, I can’t lose you again’ speech, treating Dean’s stomach flu like it was stomach cancer instead. Despite how stupid Dean thought it was, he agreed, knowing Sam and Bobby were more than capable of ganking a spirit on their own.

He wouldn’t just sit around Bobby’s house, though. That was where he crossed the line. Dean had agreed to sit back and relax for a couple of days while this thing worked its way through his system, but there was no way that was happening. After just two hours of flipping through his ‘Busty Asian Beauties’ magazine, he was restless. Neither of them got sick very often, so their first aid kit was fresh out of Tums and Emetrol. Not to mention, for once in his life he needed something that wasn’t alcoholic to put in his stomach. The fridge was stocked with beer, but his stomach turned just at the sight of it. So, Dean grabbed Baby’s keys and headed out the door to the nearest gas station.

It was a little before noon when Dean arrived at the small store. The symptoms of the stomach flu had begun last night and hadn’t let up since. He had woken up nauseous without any warning, his mouth already filled with bile. He had sprinted to Bobby’s kitchen sink as the only functioning toilet was all the way upstairs. Getting sick that moment hadn’t been the only time throughout the night, either. Dean knew this stomach bug was kicking his ass and sitting out of the hunt was for the best. It still didn’t help with the humiliation. Especially as he sat in the parking lot of the gas station, head resting on the Impala’s steering wheel as he debated whether or not he would be able to make it in and out without having to puke in a public bathroom.

A familiar whoosh sound made Dean jump and without lifting his head off the wheel or opening his eyes, he sighed heavily. “Dammit, Cas,” he muttered through clenched teeth. “What have I said about just popping up without warning?”

“My apologies,” Castiel replied, but to Dean, it sounded frustratingly insincere. Then again, this was Cas, and his sincere voice probably sounded the exact same. Dean lifted his head and looked over at the angel and sighed again. Castiel’s blue eyes were full of sincerity and Dean knew getting angry over something that the angel couldn’t really help would be futile.

“Don’t worry about it,” he said softly, wincing as his stomach churned and gurgled again. Dean let out a soft grunt as he wrapped one arm around his bloated middle, the other supporting his head. “What do you need, Cas?”’

Castiel did that thing he always did when he couldn’t quite understand something. His head cocked to the side and his blue eyes narrowed with confusion. “Is something the matter?” he asked Dean.

Not being able to help himself, Dean scoffed. “Nah. Just my stomach being ripped apart while still inside me.” A flash of alarm went through Castiel’s features, and Dean quickly corrected himself, remembering his angel friend took everything literally. “Not really. It’s just the stomach flu, I’ll live. I just came here to get some ginger ale or somethin’. My stomach is a friggin’ mess right now.”

“Ale?” Castiel asked with a frown, watching Dean closely. “You think….alcohol will alleviate the distress in your stomach?”

“Ginger ale ain’t alcoholic,” Dean responded with a sigh. “It’s–” Dean cut himself off mid-sentence as he released some of the air that bubbled up his throat. Dean grimaced as the burp left an unpleasantly acidic taste in his mouth and he made a mental note to brush his teeth once he was back at Bobby’s.

“What was that?” Castiel asked curiously, and much to Dean’s frustration, the angel cocked his head to the side again.

“I ain’t gonna explain burping to you, Cas,” Dean said as he pinched the bridge of his nose.

“Is it normal?”

Dean felt his irritation grow. The arm around his stomach tightened and he held his breath, both to fight the nausea and to stop himself from snapping at Castiel. “Yes, especially when your stomach is trying out for the friggin’ gymnastic Olympic team.” Dean burped again and squeezed his eyes shut as he exhaled slowly. “I also don’t have anything left in me, so my stomach’s trying to – urp – bring up something it doesn’t have.” Castiel didn’t say anything and Dean found the silence helpful as he tried to settle his stomach by gently rubbing it. However, when a loud, painful gurgle sounded from his belly, Dean knew what was about to happen. As horrifying as this was, Dean knew it would only be a matter of time before stuff began to come out of the other end. “I need a bathroom,” he panted to Castiel before hurrying out of the car and into the gas station.

The bathroom was about as disgusting as possible, but thankfully it was a single so no one else would come in as he relieved his bowels. He sat down on the toilet and let nature take its course, trembling with each wave. Dean groaned and wrapped both arms around his stomach as it continuously churned painfully. An acidic belch brought up a mouthful of bile onto the floor and Dean spat onto the ground. “Please, God,” he moaned to himself as he looked at the mess he made on the floor. Despite emptying itself from both ends, Dean felt his entire middle sift under his palm. “Please. This is awful…”

The same familiar sound as before came and Dean felt his irritation peak. If there was ever a wrong time for Castiel to suddenly appear by his side without permission, this was it. Dean looked up at Castiel and shook his head in disbelief. “You’re gonna just fly in on me in the bathroom now?” he demanded. “Get the hell outta here, man. I’m… busy.”  

Castiel looked confused for the millionth time since he popped into Dean’s car less than a half hour ago. “You prayed,” he pointed out. “I came.”

“I didn’t-” Dean cut himself off as he realized he had technically asked for God. Damn it. “Well, whatever, Cas. I’m gonna tell you right now that if I ever decide to pray to the man upstairs and not directly to you, it’s not gonna be over diarrhea. Now get out!”  Dean was starting to feel violated and embarrassed as Castiel just stared at him while he was sitting on the toilet. Luckily, Castiel was gone instantly, leaving Dean alone to clean up his mess.

When he got back out to the car ten minutes later, Castiel was sitting in the passenger seat. Dean climbed into the driver’s side and looked over at him with narrowed, green eyes, reading to tell him to leave when he saw Castiel was holding a bag in his lap. “What’s that for?” he asked, his curiosity trumping over his anger.

Castiel reached into the bag and pulled out a bottle of ginger ale and some Emetrol. “I asked the kind lady for some help for a friend who was suffering terribly in the bathroom.”

Dean rolled his eyes. “Dude-”

“I hope it helps,” Castiel continued. “You know, I have met many souls in Heaven and illness is a massive killer.” Castiel looked out the window and Dean could have sworn he saw the angel bite his lip, not even long enough to last a second. Suddenly, he understood.

“Hey,” Dean said gently, nudging his friend’s shoulder. “I ain’t gonna die because of an upset stomach, okay? Look at me, Cas.” When blue eyes met his, Dean continued. “I didn’t mean to yell at you. I know you aren’t exactly sure how to deal with all of this crap. I just want you to know that you’re doing a good job and I appreciate it.” Dean reached over and grabbed the bottle of ginger ale as Castiel nodded. Dean knew this was partially on him because he didn’t often enough express gratitude toward Castiel. That would have to be something he worked on one day after he kicked this bug and was back on his feet.

“Thank you, Dean,” Castiel said sincerely, looking over at him with a small smile. “I appreciate hearing that.”

Dean shrugged and took a few drinks of the ginger ale, belching loudly as he set the bottle back down. “I’m gonna drive back to Bobby’s, You wanna keep me company?” When Castiel nodded, Dean felt a small smile appear on his face. “Thanks, buddy.”

The drive home felt too long in Dean’s opinion. Especially since his stomach was twisting the entire time and he kept having to swallow thickly after each burp to prevent something else from coming back up. Thankfully, nothing had, but the moment Dean stopped the car in front of Bobby’s house, he knew he didn’t have any longer. He rushed out of the driver’s side and slapped a hand over his mouth as he sprinted inside. Once again, he didn’t have time to make it upstairs so he made a run for the kitchen sink where he began to burp miserably.

“Are you going to be alright?” Castiel asked from behind him and Dean nodded as he burped up a mouthful of the ginger ale he had consumed. “My stomach’s killing me,” he moaned, placing his hand on his bloated middle. “But I think I’m done puking for now.”

“Good,” Castiel said. “Perhaps you should lay down. I can’t heal you from this ailment, but I can still make you sleep.”

Dean spat into the sink one last time before wiping his mouth with a paper towel. He hesitated for a moment, contemplating whether or not he wanted Castiel to basically knock him out. However, when his stomach moaned again and another queasy burp escaped from his mouth, Dean nodded. “Yeah, alright, Cas.”

Castiel nodded and helped Dean over to the couch in the living room. Dean gently eased himself down across the cushions, moaning as the movement made his stomach churn. However, the bad feeling was temporarily pushed away by the good feeling that came with Castiel gently laying a blanket over his trembling body. “Thanks,” Dean said softly, closing his eyes.

“You’re welcome,” Castiel answered. “Now, just relax, Dean. You’re going to feel extremely tired in just a moment.”

“I’m already tired,” Dean pointed out, but when he felt Castiel’s hand on his forehead, he went silent. Castiel’s touch spread a soothing warmth throughout his entire body and Dean felt more relaxed than he had in a  long time. Sleep came easily, and for the first time since Hell, it was dreamless too.

—————————————

So, it’s 2 am here. I’m sorry if this isn’t very good. Hope you enjoy it nonetheless.

[prettywitchiusaka]

2016 In Retrospect

Hello, everyone.

Let me get this out of the way, first; Happy belated New Year, everybody!

Sorry for not being on here the last few days, I’ve been meaning to post some thoughts on some tv shows and movies I’ve seen, but me being sick kind of prevented that from happening.

Seriously, there’s some weird flu bug making its way around. My cousin’s kid was sick on Christmas, then I got nauseous from constant overeating during the Holiday season (as you do), and now my mom has a serious case of stomach flu (although she’s feeling better, now). 

Heck, I ended up being sick again when I semi-homemade myself some poutine on Tuesday and spent the next few hours up-chucking my dinner. Although I think that was more a case of me cramming too much junk into my system in too little time ( a second cup of coffee, a refresher my mom bought me, a bottle of coke, and then poutine). 

I’m feeling better now, but I’m still sort of nervous about eating too much. Thankfully, I went back on Weight Watchers, so that shouldn’t be too much of a problem, now.

Anyway, let’s get back to a post I meant to make last Saturday, a retrospective of my time in 2016.

I’ll be honest, 2016 was not a good year for me all around. Don’t get me wrong, there are some good things that happened that I’ll get to, but it just seemed like this year started off good and then went south from there.

Or perhaps, maybe I had too high of expectations for this past year. 

You see, I wanted 2016 to be my year. Not only did it mark the 10th anniversary of some of my favourite tv show episodes and movies (mostly Operation ZERO), but it also marked the 10th anniversary of when I started my career as a fanfic writer.

I was hoping against all hope that maybe this year would be just as good as it was ten years, ago. And when the year started, it seemed like that was going to be the case. 

Sure, I was bumped to hear that Wander was getting cancelled, sad to hear Alan Rickman had passed away, and was sad to say goodbye to Gravity Falls. But at the same time, I had a good paying term position, my cousin gave birth to another little girl, and I even managed to drag my brother to the theatre to see Deadpool (he’s usually busy that time of year with school). All in all, I felt happy.

But once I term position ended in late February of last year, everything just felt like it went downhill. Sure, I was unemployed for six months, but I’ve been unemployed before and just kept searching while making good use of my time. Or at least trying to.

But after awhile, it just felt like things got worse and worse. I fell back into my old habit of overanalyzing every thought I had (which lead me to some pretty awful conclusions), and became really paranoid about objectivity vs. subjectivity (something that’s been building up these past few years, honestly).

And to really add insult to injury; my other two temp. jobs this year didn’t pan out, I let myself go weight wise again, kept getting terribly nauseous as a result, and I kept spending money I didn’t have to burn.

And probably the big one; I started getting paranoid about shipping again and what makes a good ship, primarily because of my own history with Twilight and my own fears about some of my favourite pairings. But I’ll get into that another day.

That being said, a lot of good things happened to me this year too. Among them being;

- I started writing more short stories

- Finally got my new office up and running

- Watched ten different anime series (four of which were on air, this year)

- Watched at least eight or nine anime films (including The Wind Rises, finally)

- Started a Writing Group

- Became more actively involved with the Writer’s Guild

- Made some new friends and reunited with old ones

- I actually cosplayed for the first time at a convention

- Added quite a bit to both my Anime DVD Collection and my Pop Collection

- Finally found a copy of Evangelion on DVD

- Started selling some old items on Ebay (and has been very successful at it)

- I got into Battle Royale, The Loud House, and American Crime Story (can’t wait for Season 2!)

- Watched both Stranger Things and World of Winx (can’t wait for their next seasons, either)

- Hung with my cousin’s kid some more

- Got to visit my family in Alberta, again

- Started rough drafting the first few stories for my Agent Goddesses series of comic books

- Started actively blogging here, on Tumblr

And probably most importantly;

- I actually tried sending out my short stories and and actively trying to get them published.

So yeah, 2016 was not a good year for me. But at the same time, there was a lot of good that happened, so I can’t complain too much.

As for 2017? Well, so far it’s been good. With the exception of the nausea I suffered on Tuesday, the first few days of this year have been great so far. 

My New Years Resolution is to try and work more on my own writing in addition to my fanfics. And with the exception of yesterday where I was resting from Tuesday night and indulging in my fandoms, I’ve held up to that so far.

I’m actually working on writing up a few stories for my Nomadic Ninja series of novellas. Sure, they’re rough drafts. But hey, at least it’s something. Then on Friday, I’ll be heading down to the library to work on editing an old fairytale I’ve been working on on and off for the last few years.

Anyway, that’s my 2016 in retrospect. Here’s to 2017 being better!