#anyway it’s past 4am and I woke up at 5 for work yesterday good fucking night

[asyouwlsh]

unbelievable that I’m still a virgin when I went out tonight and random strangers at the club told me how cute I looked and I lost my shirt because I had it tied around my waist when I was dancing in just fishnets/a crop top. the most slut in theory but not in practice to exist ever.

[shhhlikeme]

“Losty Aone” / “Losty Mountain Man🏔” Series:

Outtake Collection #7:

TALKING STAGE OUTTAKES (Right Before Series’ Part 1)

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A/N: sooooooo. Prepare for the feels in this collection. Tumblr said it was too long because I have too many paragraphs—bye🙄 so this will be 7 and next will be 7.5. Please keep in mind they are apart of the same collection as they work well together. I strongly recommend to listen to “Always Be My Baby” By Mariah Carey for the entire read, but if repetition annoys you then just do it for the last outtake in 7.5 which is the confession. It tied for the most fluff votes. If anyone is up and reading this hopefully the next part will be up by the time you finish.

This outtake starts off funny and fluffy but ends angsty, serious and I dont wanna spoil. Fluffville Af, but maybe a bit of a rollercoaster. I poured a lot of heart into this collection, though, so I hope you enjoy it:

‼️THIS IS THE 11TH PART IN A SERIES READ THE OTHER PARTS BEFORE THIS ONE: ‼️

TABLE OF CONTENTS

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One Day After You Noticed Aone and This Baby Doesn’t Know How ACT ☀️💋

“Hello?”

Futakuchi answered his cell phone grumpily as he half-slept.

“Futakuchi. It is Aone.”

Kenji rolled onto his back, wiping his fallen bangs out of his face. “I know. You’re the only person who calls me at 4am. Did you have another wet dream about Y/N?”

“No.” Mountain man answered hurriedly, but then he faltered. “Well, um, actually—yes—and Y/N looked phenomenal...—But that’s not the reason I’m calling this time.”

Futakuchi yawned. “You know, I miss the days back in elementary school when you’d call me because you had a bad dream ... hah....remember Monster Twoosie that lived in your closet?”

Sitting up on his bed, Aone whipped his head to the right to look at his closet. Getting up to close the closet door, he scolded his friend.

“We don’t speak of him, Futakuchi-san.”

Kenji let out a tired laugh. “What is this about then? I thought you’d sleep like a baby knowing that Y/N has finally noticed you.”

Aone returned to his bed, covering his legs under his camouflage blanket. “I’m extremely happy. I can’t stop thinking about her approaching my desk and smiling at me throughout lunch and her taking my phone to put her number in it. It’s not a daydream anymore and it’s just.......” he raked his brain for the word.

“A lot?”

Aone was happy he didn’t need to speak in full sentences to a best friend who could practically read his mind.

“A lot for me, yes, thank you Kenji-san. Usually, when two people are starting to get to know eachother, there is interest on both ends and they just work their way up from there.”

“But there is attraction on both ends for you and Y/N.”

“No. I already know she is the girl for me, and Y/N just figured out who I was yesterday. We are in a very unconventional position.”

“Yes but she’s also the most lost individual—aside from you—that I have ever met, so, what’s your point?”

“How do I get her to like me back?”

“Aone, just be yourself. A lot of girls already like you.”

“I don’t care about the other girls, I care about Y/N. I’ve been myself the past 2 years and she has never even noticed me, so clearly that does not work.”

“Y/N hasn’t noticed anyone, Aone-san.... ask her to name all her teachers I bet she can’t”

“She noticed the outfielder on the baseball team....”

“Right—she noticed that he was a tool. And I won’t let you conveniently forget that he approached her—which you refused to do for two years.”

“That is.............................a fair analysis.”

“Anyway, like I said, just be yourself. If Y/N doesn’t like you then she doesn’t deserve you anyway. Serves her right for being a bimbo the past two years....”

“Kenji-san....” Aone warned in a frightening voice. He hated when anyone had anything bad to say about his crush.

Kenji just laughed through his fatigue because he knew that warning was coming.

“I digress. Now as far as being yourself goes, for starters......how was your texting convo tonight?”

Mountain man was confused.

“Texting.......conversation?”

Kenji’s tired eyes flew open, stunned.

“Y/N gave you her number. She put it in your phone. That’s what you said.”

Aone grunted in agreement.

“So you didn’t text her?!”

“I didn’t know I was supposed to.”

“Holy fuck Aone I’m seriously gonna—“

“There.” Mountain man interrupted his friend.

HUH?! Kenji now felt like he’d just seen Monster Twoosie, because his entire body paled. He spoke slowly as to not lose it:

“Aone.....What do you mean by...............................................there?”

“I just texted Y/N.”

“AT 4 O’CLOCK IN THE MORNING ?!?!?!?!”

Kenji yelled so loudly his parents screamed at him to go to sleep before they take away his tv. He quickly quieted down.

“What did you text her?!”

Aone paused, retrieving the message. He read it aloud: “Good morning, Y/N.”

Futakuchi groaned loudly, gripping his bangs on top of his head.

“I am gathering that I should not have done that?”

Kenji groaned again in response. “No, but I did tell you to be yourself. We’ll see how Y/N feels about you being yourself.”

🏫 AT SCHOOL 🏫

“Aone!”

Mountain man was collecting books from his locker, Kenji next to him leaning on the next locker, when he heard his name being called by his favourite voice ever. The middle blocker looked over in the direction of the voice and gulped.

Kenji nudged him. “Be yourself.” He whispered before you approached.

Aone couldn’t get used to you actually noticing him. He fantasized about it so much when you’d call your cheer friends name, that it just seemed so surreal now that you were actually calling him. On top of that, you looked so beautiful today. (You may have tried a bit more this morning for him) in your school uniform, light but perfect makeup, and a bright smile.

When Aone heard your voice call his name he had to fight back a deep blush because it brought him back to his dream last night where you were calling his name like that—only it was much more breathy and the two of you were in much more.....intimate circumstances.

“Hi, Y/N.” the blonde managed to say as he looked down at you. “You look beautiful today.”

Beside him, Kenji cringed and looked away. He couldn’t imagine being such a simp.

“Aw, thanks!” You beamed. “I just wanted to say thank you so much for that sweet good morning text. When I woke up to it, it completely brightened my day!”

Hidden behind the locker, Kenji’s jaw dropped.

Aone’s heart tightened at your words. “You’re welcome.”

You smiled. “Would you like to have lunch together again today? My treat this time.”

You had no idea how much you made this man’s life by saying these things.

Aone nodded, blushing and unable to speak.

“Great. Can you come down here for a second?” You bent your index finger at him as to say come hither and this big blushy baby bent down to your level, confused.

With him now in reach you leaned in to press your soft lips on his cheek. “I forgot to do it yesterday, but that’s for defending me against that snitch Tsume. See you at lunch!” You skipped away to your next class happily.

Mountain man, on the other hand, was just completely out of commission.

Kenji’s eyes were very wide seeing the whole thing happen and he moved to the same side Y/N was just on. Grabbing his friends shoulder he pulled him up because he looked weird still frozen bending over to meet your height when you were gone.

“I guess Y/N likes you for who you are, Aone-san.”

Aone just stared in the direction you disappeared in. Your platonic peck on the cheek made him feel like he was floating.

“Let’s go, we have study hall.” Kenji patted his friend’s shoulder.

Aone called for him to stop, so Futakuchi turned back around.

“What’s wrong? What is it?”

“I don’t think my legs work anymore, Kenji-san.”

hahahahaha poor baby

Needless to say Kenji san was not impressed to have to wait at his best friend’s locker with him for 5 whole minutes until the shock of you kissing him wore off

You really affected the white-haired bb even when you ignored him so Kenji wasn’t that surprised that this would happen

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Weeks Into The Talking Stage - The Date Tech Boys Attend Katana’s Big House Party! 🥤🎉

“I swear to God if Katana doesn’t leave me alone tonight.......... You owe me, Aone-san.” States Futakuchi grumpily as him, Aone, and Kogenagawa shuffled out of their Uber. They stood in front of Katana’s huge cottage: lit up brightly with glow strobes and pictures of her taped up on the logs like a billboard in downtown Los Angeles.

“I appreciate you two for coming, sincerely. You are good friends.” Aone bowed to them.

Kanji bounced on the balls of his feet, the complete opposite visual of the crabby Justin Bieber look-alike.

“Oh no problem!!! I would have never been invited to a cheerleader’s party if you two weren’t my friends! Y/N inviting you to this is MASSIVE, Aone-senpai! I’m soooo happy I can experience this—hey! I think I see that hot cop cheerleader from before. Maybe she wants to thank me for my donations—!” The big boned setter started walking toward the party but Kenji gripped the back of his shirt, reeling him back in.

Kenji glared at his underclassmen.

“Must I warn you every time?! Play. It. Cool. Don’t stare at the birthday girl’s chest and for the love of God please leave the cop girl alone or we will never bring you to another party again.”

Pouting, Kogenagawa agreed, grabbing a red solo cup from a tray that a waiter was walking around with.

Aone grabbed it out of his hand before he downed it, all while scanning the crowd for his beautiful crush.

“No drinking. You’re underage.” Aone commanded, pouring it out in front of him.

“Right.” Kenji nodded.

The giant setter’s pout deepened. He crossed his arms at Aone.

“Thanks Mom.”

He then stuck his tongue out and Kenji.

“And thanks Dad. What would I do without you two? Besides HAVE FUN, of course!?”

“It scares me to even think about it....” Kenji murmured back, ruffling his setter’s hair who started freaking out because he worked hard on it.

Just then, Takanobu gasped a bit because he finally spotted you in the outdoor crowd on the porch. You were dressed in a long sleeve skin tight bodycon dress that showcased all your curves. And the dress was short. (If you remember correctly from his wet dream This man loooves short skirts on you.):

(You May or May not have chosen something a bit on the sexy side to get the attention of the boy you were starting to enjoy the company of.... and who you invited to be your date tonight—)

The look of you alone made Aone lick his lips and shuffle because had the air outside gotten 10 degrees hotter, randomly?

“Dowwwwn boy.” Kenji murmured when he realized his friend had spotted his crush and was very excited. He had that same look when he saw Y/N in that genie costume, and it was one of unadulterated, innocent, unidentified, lust.

“Aone, you can’t stare at Y/N like that anymore. She notices you now.”

Aone tried his very best and he was able to peel his eyes away from you and back to his best friend. “I wish it were easy.” He stated with a frown. “Especially when she looks like that.”

You were over with a group of popular kids, a red solo cup in your hand filled with red bull, chatting and adding to Katana’s stories when out of the corner of your eye you spot a tall white haired beauty on the outskirts, probably just getting here: Your date. Your heart skipped a beat as you interrupted the boy who was speaking to the group.

“He came, he’s here!!” You gripped Katana on the arm.

“Ow, Y/N!” Katana ripped your hand off her. She fixed the tiara on her head. “Of course he’s here, no man is dumb enough to deny a date with you, Y/N.” She returned to her conversation dismissively.

Kusa walked up the porch steps to give you and Katana hugs. She looked so beautiful!

“Looks like your man Aone brought Kenji-san too.” Kusa said to the two cheerleaders.

Katana almost did a spit take with the contents in her solo cup. Quickly, she scanned the crowd, seeing her ex, she now gripped onto your arm and pulled you through the crowd.

Soon you were faced with your mountain man, who looked amazing dressed in a sexy dark green, might you add. You rubbed the arm that Katana had just been gripping as you stood in front of them.

“Are you alright, Y/N?” Aone asked, looking concerned as his eyes scanned your arm.

He is so flipping sweet!

You nod.

“I know that parties aren’t your thing so I wasn’t sure when I texted you an invitation. But.....you came,” you breathed a sigh of happy relief.

“You asked me to.” He responded, unaware of how romantic that sounded to you or anybody with ears.

He is so oblivious to how gorgeous he is, you thought.

Aone turned to look at your best friend briefly.

“Happy Birthday, Katana. This is from the three of us.” Aone handed Katana a card that had a hefty gift card inside of it to her favourite makeup store (Y/N’s idea after Aone sweetly asked what he should get her).

A/N: AONE IS HUMAN GOALS - DON’T @ ME.

“Kenji you got me a gift??? That is SO SWEET!”

Futakuchi rolled his eyes. “It’s from the three—“

“Come inside with me and I’ll open it!” Katana grabbed the volleyball captain’s hand and pulled him into the swarm of people, towards the house.

Aone almost felt bad bringing his friend to his clingy ex’s party because he needed him there—until he looked back down at you smiling up at him—after which he couldn’t feel anything else but happy even if he wanted to. You made him so unbelievably happy.

“Oh and Um, Y/N, I know this isn’t your birthday, but this is for you.” Aone handed you a card as well.

You hesitated, confused.

Blushing, Aone explained quickly, really hoping that his fight to get you this wasn’t going to make you think he was creepy. “I just thought that.... if we gifted Katana a Fenty Beauty gift card, she’d best enjoy shopping with you—her best friend. So I-I got you a gift card, t-too.” He finished sheepishly.

Bursting inside with butterflies, you gave your date a finger curl again, which he now knew meant to lean down so that you could kiss his cheek. This time you pressed your lips to his cheek a little longer than the last time, and although it was a sweet gesture, Aone felt the blood begin to rush down to his nether region.

You pulled away just in time.

“Thank you. That’s very kind of you, Aone.” You whispered in his ear.

Aone flushed, standing back up to his height hurriedly.

“My pleasure.” He replied shakily.

And was it ever. Because of Aone’s long brewed feelings for you, even your two simple kisses on his cheek kept him awake at night, sometimes recalling the way your soft and perfect lips felt as he showered in the mornings gripping his cock.

He was so happy to be given a chance it was like his increasing hormones and already strong romantic feelings were fighting for dominance now that you were physically interacting with him, albeit minimally.

For the past few weeks you two have been taking your budding friendship/romance incredibly slow, Aone too afraid to push further than you were willing to go, and for you: that just being the speed you take. You two spoke in class, had some lunches together, Aone offered to carry your books and walk you to cheer practice.... things like that. You were just getting to know eachother and you’d even let him take you out on a romantic dinner date last weekend. You always took it really slow with boys until you felt that they were important enough, which is why your ex-baseball player got frustrated with you last year. But that wasn’t Aone. He believes that he would gladly accept just this if that’s what you wanted, though he desperately wanted more. He wanted to call you his.

To you, everything was going extremely well and you were beginning to kind of start looking forward to seeing him in the halls at school as 3rd year rolled around. You may have an itsy bitsy crush on the volleyball player....but you didn’t know for sure. The most you two had ever done was kiss him on the cheek twice, which Aone was MORE THAN HAPPY with.

“You look so handsome, by the way, green is your colour.”

Aone looked away then, snapping out of his day dream about your kisses on his cheek but unable to relax when you complimented him. He couldn’t believe you were giving him all this attention. You were so perfect and someone as perfect as you didn’t choose guys like him.

Well, you hadn’t chosen him yet, Takanobu reminded himself sadly.

“Thank you, Y/N. And you look.....um.....w-well.........” His eyes fell to your mouth-watering curves in that dress. You could tell he very much liked your appearance.

You laughed, deciding to tease him.

“I look...’um?’ That bad, Aone-san? What? Tell me.” You poked his stomach, not dismissing the fact that his stomach was actually rock hard muscle.

Fuck.

Aone shook his head, trying to clear his thoughts and pretend he hasn’t been crushing on you forever so he could speak clearly.

“No, not bad. Quite the contrary.” His face softened as he looked back at your face. “I’m trying to tell you in the most respectful way that you look......that you look like the most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen.”

On instinct, your face broke out into an ear splitting smile. Aone felt like he’d won the fucking lottery seeing you smile like that at him.

“Thank you, Takanobu! Care to enjoy the party with me?” You reached your hand out and the middle blocker just stared at it for a few seconds, still shook from your dazzling smile. Luckily, Kanji was still there so he pushed Aone inconspicuously from behind, allowing him to snap out of it and take your small hand in his large one.

Aone had to take a deep breath when you turned away to lead him into the crowd because the feeling of your hand in his made him feel utterly complete.

He was falling harder n faster than ever before.

And there were no brakes.

He just prayed you’d start falling, too, and soon.

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taglist: @crushzone @galagcica @nairobiisqueen @chaichai-the-weeb

Part 7.5: CLICK HERE

[sweet-hypocrisy]

I Need to Use This More

Going back and rereading some of these posts have been interesting. 

2018 was a bit of an eye opener for me. I learned that hell, I do actually have BPD. Ironic, considering I wrote a post bitching about how my mother tried to label me as such to absolve any responsibility for her shit ability to be an emotionally nurturing parenting. Kicker: I have BPD because of my parents. However, they’re not going to fix me. I need to let go of my anger toward them. My resentment. They’re never going to accept responsibility. My mom will make comments at times. Like when I went over there and broke down in a moment of weakness and went to her freaking out when I found the diagnosis. She told me she knows she’s not the greatest mother and she wasn’t very friendly and warm. She blamed her own childhood. Which from the bits and pieces I’ve gathered over 30 years, I don’t disagree. But it’s always felt more of an opportunity for me to comfort her for her parenting. I wonder if I do the same thing.

I’ve been struggling to cope with the fact that I more than likely have a personality disorder. Mainly, the stigma attached to it. There are times where I go on places like the BPD subreddit, hear how awful Lina is with her BPD, and think that’s not me. No, it is. I have just learned to internalize more and have gotten consequences for not doing so.

I seek validation too often, and I often feel like I manipulate or guilt trip to get that. I feel like an emotional abuser. I cling too hard. People don’t know it, but I make everyone responsible for my mood. Or I blame people for my mood. I’m responsible for that. Nobody else. I can’t control my unstable emotions. My emotions change at the drop of a hat. Yesterday I woke up feeling refreshed, motivated, ready. I organized the house. Took Fiona on a 3 mile walk. Felt accomplished. Then the toilet started leaking all over, into the basement. And I spiralled. So far this morning I have cried twice over minor inconveniences and I just feel so alone and angry. So far for that this morning I have blamed my best friend and husband. Why? Because the composter I was promised would be built is still not (we’ve been busy, had house guests for a week, and I can also build it my fucking self), and is now missing parts and it feels like the responsibility to return and fix my own Christmas gift is on me. Which, I guess it should be. He just bought it. Why does he have to do everything for it? My best friend is texting me to vent about her roommate/best friend she likely has replaced me with, mentioned wanting to plan a surprise party for him. I already feel replaced, and I’m feeling the huge pangs of loss, jealousy. Because she hasn’t done that for me ever (granted, I don’t think I’ve done it for her, either). I do now remember her getting a “surprise” dinner together with Dan when I left Petsmart. She does send me occasional surprise gifts and cards. I need to remember that. My original statement wasn’t fair to make. Again, with assuming the worst of people.  I guess my feelings are coming from feeling distanced from her. Literally, and figuratively. She moved just far enough away to deter the will to drive to and from each other as much as we used to. She started a new job (which she loves, which makes me happy) where she works nights and weekends, which directly conflicts with mine. So that’s two strikes against us. Yet, I spent 12 days off texting her every day over Christmas break and only managed to spend an hour with her. I feel like I make the effort far more than she does. I’m not sure if she does that with everyone, or if it’s just me. I always ask to hang out. I often text her first. Part of me worries she is depressed. She promises me she’s fine. I asked her if there was something wrong with us. She promises we’re fine. Yet, why don’t I believe her? Is it because there is something there, of is it my fucking fear of abandonment? We also have way different...lifestyles, I guess. Well, kind of. As much as she stays in bed and goes to bed at 9pm as I do, she also goes clubbing and bar hopping until 4am. That shit is so far in my past, with the exception of maybe a few nights a year. I’m sure for the most part, all of her other friends would find me incredibly grandma-like and lame. Which is probably fair, lol.

Anyway, back to this toilet situation that somehow ruins my life. My fucked up thought process: blame my husband..sort of. More his job, which he chooses to be employed at. He was supposed to be home Friday. So..somehow the toilet leaking Saturday night is his fault. Like he deliberately made it leak for me to deal with. Of course not. But I tried to find help. Nobody around willing to help. To be fair, he did video chat me and we found the solution, just don’t have the parts to do it. Reality: I’m frustrated with the fact that these things tend to happen when I am alone and I hate feeling out of control by the fact that I do not have the knowledge and skills to fix it myself. So it comes out as anger. It comes out as anger when I feel upset by the fact that I don’t feel like I can depend on people to come help me. Dan’s dad is up North (not that I’m angry at him about it). Jason said he’d come over today, and while he doesn’t often flake in situations like this, he does flake on other things just enough for the seed of doubt to be planted. At the same time I feel guilty he was asked, because I feel like this family treats him as the bitch and errand boy and I feel bad. I literally never ask my parents to help me with a Goddamn thing, and I’m not sure what to expect when they said they’d be over at “some point” to help me. Dan being gone automatically made everything his fault. He is my scapegoat. It’s not fair, and I feel like a terrible wife. When I realize I’m doing this, all I want to do is throw myself off of a bridge. He tried helping me from where he was. Why isn’t that good enough? Like..the only acceptable thing would have been to drop everything, hop on a plane, and come home in 5 minutes and just fix it. That’s not realistic. It’s not even reasonable. He called his dad. He called Jason. He video chatted me. He showed me what to do. Why wasn’t that enough at the time? I remember telling him how it wasn’t fair because there is NEVER a time where he physically was stuck doing something and I wasn’t there to support him. Maybe I’m still resentful because of the miscarriage. Driving myself to the emergency room. Sitting in a room by myself as they delivered the news that I was no longer pregnant when I didn’t even know I was to begin with. When they told me, alone, that our child was estimated 6-8 weeks based on hormone levels and tissue they found remaining in ultrasound. The horrible procedure of removing what was left. Coming home and being stuck wearing diaper pads while I bled. I know it was hard on him. I know he wanted to be there. But he wasn’t. I need to let it go. It’s just made me more afraid to be here alone. What next huge thing is he going to have to miss? He is always here for me. He’s a phone call away. A text away. But he can’t always answer his phone. I just..want him to stay the fuck home. I don’t care if we are stuck in this house for the rest of our lives and he takes a huge pay cut. I can’t take it anymore. I think it’s the one thing that’s going to break us, if there is one. That or my psychotic being will become too much for him. Surprise it hasn’t yet. Maybe it is. Maybe I’ll be the very last to know. I don’t know. 

I get so resentful and frustrated when he’s gone. Naturally I have to take on more of the burden when he’s home. All of the cleaning, cooking, appointments, caring for the pets, any minor inconvenience is on me. And I make it all his fault. Like he personally fucking enjoys staying in a shitty hotel room away from home while his wife does everything. He tells me he wouldn’t care if I literally did nothing and he came home to a sink full of dishes. Maybe I do it all because I know I’d be fucking irritated if I came home from a 2 week business trip to a total fucking mess waiting for me (and truthfully feel like I would come home to. Not sure if it’s accounting for my husband’s lack of urgency or attention to detail or me being an asshole and assuming the worst). I do it for him so he can come home and feel like he can relax without an immediate to-do list waiting for him. Yet I do it because I like to provide for him, while at the same time resent him for having to do everything. What the fuck, Nicole. I think some of this is not liking to be by myself. It’s not even just the fact that I’m alone, physically. Being alone gets me stuck in my own head. And if you hate yourself, why would you want to be with yourself, 24 hours a day? It’s always the weekends that get bad for me when he’s gone. Mainly, it’s because as I near my 30′s and people get busy, I can’t get anybody to fucking hang out with me. I’m on my own. During the week I have 10 hours of work to distract me, and then I enjoy coming home for a few hours and then going to bed. Weekends are 48 hours of solitude. And I almost feel guilty for like..having fun and doing stuff without him. Which is 100% on me. I don’t need to do that. But he often will tell me to do wait to do things (like around the house), etc. for when he gets home. And then weeks and weeks pass. Sidevent, I’m so tired of being the motivator and scheduler for these things. Like...our bathroom is still not done. I keep mentioning what needs to get done (aka him to do) and it doesn’t get done. Our front door still isn’t fucking installed and we bought in September. His fucking job gets in the way of everything. It sucks all of his time, energy, and motivation. But they keep throwing money at him so it’s fine. It’s not. He tells me all of the time he’s just content to sit at home doing nothing during our free time because of his long hours and travel. I don’t have either and never get to leave this fucking town, so all I want to do is do so. I want to see the world. People. Dive into other cultures and learn. I feel like he wants anything but. It makes me feel trapped. Tethered. Leashed. Maybe I need to learn to just go and do these on my own. But again, I do so much by myself and alone already...why do I need to add another thing? I do so much alone. Grocery shopping, cleaning, hanging out, visiting our friends. Now I have to travel alone?

So much of my life I thought a lot of my thought processes were an account of my upbringing. Which, I guess it still is. Or was me being humble, modest. I have always assumed the worst of people (in ways such as people promising to do something for me and I will immediately and plan accordingly and assume they will never fulfill that promise because I’m not important enough to keep a promise for or be cared about). I always make myself the point of blame and scapegoat myself in situations. Reality: it’s actually pretty fucking selfish. Not everything is about me. Someone can be upset by something entirely outside of me, dumbass. I am not the cause of everything horrible. I will always convince myself that people don’t like me. Don’t love me. Don’t care about me. Don’t want to be around me. It’s incredibly lonely. I don’t know how to make it stop.

[szopenhauer]

have you ever gotten to the point where you’ve said “i’m done trying”? I’m done trying... do you hate it when people talk about you? yeah

do you have any candles in your room? no, what for?  does anyone know every little detail about you? it’s impossible but there are few people who know a lot did you kiss or hug anyone in the last 100 hours? sure has anyone told you a secret lately that you aren’t allowed to tell anyone? I’m not good at keeping secrets who was the last person you saw besides family? some strangers on the street?... whose bed other than yours did you last lay on? Gosia’s  do you think you would lose a lot of friends if you gained 100 pounds? who said I have friends? but I would lose my gf  when was the last time you talked to the first person you kissed? today but not face to face who was the last person you got into an argument with? family member what were you doing at 4am? sleeping has anyone ever called you a bitch? yup do you have alcohol in your house? nooo

is there someone in your life you know you’d be better without? yup have you ever witnessed abuse in your friend’s family? ex friends’ when was the last time you jumped on a trampoline? never

how much money is in your wallet? not sure but not much like 20 PLN or smth how far have you gotten with the book you are reading? didn’t start it yet lol who did you last tell to shut up? not sure who was last who were you with tonight? parents what did you last draw? doodles?

who’s the last person you talked to about sex? partner are you stubborn? can be at times do you tend to hold a grudge? often

has anyone called you perfect before? perfect to them where is the biggest scar on your body? I don’t really have any big ones would you date someone who was addicted to drugs? doubt it if you could go back and change something in the past 5 months, would you? maybe do you get along with girls? I don’t get along with anyone think of the last person who said i love you, do you think they meant it? sigh... have you ever kissed anyone with a tattoo? I haven’t do you know anyone who drinks a lot? plenty of people is there anyone holding a grudge against you? probably would you ever get plastic surgery? meh what were you afraid of the most when you were a kid? dentists, I’m not scared anymore do you ever miss your past? very how have you felt today? ugh... are you nice to the people you dislike? if I have to, I prefer to avoid/ignore them  you kissed someone today, didn’t you? not today do you know how it feels to be cheated on? could say so someone tells you that your beautiful, you say? bullshit are you wearing anything you borrowed from someone? no way do you like to make the first move? depends when was the last time you completely broke down? this day do you swear often? sadly would you go out in public looking the way you do? besides the fact that I have wet hair is your hair long enough to put in a ponytail? too short what are you thinking about right now? shitload of stuff do you get irritated easily? omg yasss do you like taking walks? I enjoy walks

approximately how much is everything you’re wearing now worth? not counting slippers that costed 10 or 15 PLN - about 20 PLN (store bought socks and undies, then crop top, pajama pants and hoodie from second hand) did you set up a real or fake tree for christmas? fake, I’m against real ones do you tend to read the book only after watching the movie adaptation? I tried to read books after watching a movie, not before, and only Five feet apart was good when’s the last time you played a board game? recently

have you ever had anything stolen by a monkey (or any other animal) at the zoo? nope would you rather bungee-jump or dive with sharks? neither do you know anyone who’s like regina george from mean girls? used to do you know anyone in a fashion school? same, I wanted to go myself  have you ever been to a country where you didn’t speak their language at all? I didn’t leave my country and don’t plan to if you have a sister, does she wear makeup? on special occasions do family reunions excite you or just simply freak you out? freak me out! do you pop your pimples or just wait for them to go away? pop has anyone ever coughed or sneezed directly on you before? that was gross how often do you say you’re sorry? I don’t know anymore... how many relationships have you been in? no idea how I should count them last hickey was from? I’ve never had a hickey and don’t wanna have you ever put a kick me sign on the back of someone? don’t do that  is there any inappropriate pictures of you anywhere? what do you mean? what do you hate more, getting up, or going to bed? getting up is worse how many times do you tend to sneeze in a row? 1 why are dogs better than cats? don’t climb on furniture, can’t escape from the garden, don’t bite and scratch like cats, you can keep them outside, you walk them (I know you can walk a cat too but it’s considered weird), you can pick a size and dog breeds have more differences than cat ones do karma; believe or don’t? world isn’t fair to believe in karma

what woke you up this morning? mom, scared the fuck outta me 

did you kiss or hug anyone today? hug

what was your first thought this morning? had to help my mother

do long distance relationships work? they’re cool

what do you want to be when you grow up? I grew up and am a nobody

who do you wish you were with right now? I’m ok being on my own

do you own more than one cell phone? not working

do you use ebay to buy or sell? I wish

have you ever sang in public? karaoke and school theatre

what do you like to listen to before you go to bed? spotify, random songs from my playlist, I skip those I’m not in the mood for

do you have a job? unemployed

have you ever loved someone and were too scared to tell them? had a crush and wasn’t scared, just knew it’s pointless as they liked boys

next concert? no plans, meh

have you ever been awake for more than 2 nights straight?: it seems

anything you’re giving up on?: ... where will you be in 2 hours?: in my bed will you be sleeping alone tonight?: yep did you say “fuck” today?: I suppose

when was the last time you took a pet to the vet?: last year did you ever play any computer games when you were little?: I was a teenager do you enjoy going to the dentist?: I don’t mind does your mom crochet blankets?: not blankets

if you don’t recognize the number of who’s calling, do you answer anyway? this year I started to because I am waiting for important calls

do you ever suspect that people who make your food are going to poison it? when I worry they have a reason for that, paranoia

if you don’t like something, do you make sure everyone knows? hmm...

do you have any notes saved on your phone? had plenty on my blackberry but as I use smartphone now I just save notes in drafts on tumblr instead

when was the last time you went to the skating rink? high school, first and last time

when’s the last time you played barbies? I kept them but I didn’t play them in ages

do you hear more airplanes or trains go by your house? both, also helicopters

what’s the last thing you looked at under a microscope? something in biology class, I don’t recall

have you ever had sex while drunk? never been drunk what is the most disgusting song you’ve ever heard? smth about a guy who killed a woman, raped the body and then ate it

do you remember the first time you kissed the last person you kissed? partially are you waiting for someone to call you right now? not at night

who can make you laugh no matter what? Gosia, dad

when is the last time you saw your boyfriend/​​girlfriend?​​ yesterday 

do you like roller coasters? hate them last time you felt bad about something? when I don’t feel bad about smth?... are you a type of person who cares what people say about you? only if they can hurt me physically do you think you’ve changed over the past year? I know plans for today? the day is over ever go camping? been, pilgrimage current cell phone ringer? vibration or Gravitonas - People are lonely

How many blue-eyed people have you kissed? 0

Are you wearing anything that has any kind of pattern on it? my pants have SW (Vader) pattern on it 

Who was the last curly-haired person you talked to? Gosia

Does frequent use of swearwords offend or upset you? I do it frequently but there’s limit anyway

Who was the last person you talked to, whose name started with ‘S’? family member

When was the last time you turned down an invitation to go somewhere? Why? was supposed to go shopping tomorrow but I have no time nor energy/mood and money to do that

Is there anyone on your “friends” list that you dislike? *nervous laughter*

Has either of your parents ever borrowed your computer? it doesn’t belong to me but to my dad but he hardly ever uses it

Are you living with anyone that isn’t related to you? I live with my parents

Do you prefer drinks in bottles or cans? bottles

Which one of your relatives are you most likely to argue/disagree with? those that I still talk to? my sister

Have your parents met the person you’re currently interested in? last week

When you’re interested in someone, do you let them know? usually

Do you know a Robert?  neighbor Who was your first major crush? Ż. B. I believe

Do you still talk to that person? nope

Were you well-behaved as a child? I was

Is there anything happening tomorrow, that you’re looking forward to? sort of

Is there anything you need to do, that you’re trying to avoid doing? could say so

Did you have a good day yesterday? it wasn’t bad

What about today? How has your day been so far? lets not talk about it

Do you think tomorrow will be enjoyable for you? wish me luck

What do you like the most about your own appearance? my veins, I know it’s strange

What are the chances that you will kiss someone tonight? no chance

Does the last person you text messaged have any tattoos or piercings? they don’t

Do you know what the person you have feelings for is doing at this moment? sleep

When was the last time you had an alcoholic drink? years ago I tried absynth 

When was the last time you had a difficult decision to make? sigh...