#anyway it’s 11pm I’m high out of my mind off pain meds | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

stitches-for-solo · 6 years ago

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Why Is It...

...that I can’t accept that something good might finally be happening? I can feel optimistic for a little bit, but then my brain starts chiming in, usually asking something similar to “how stupid/delusional/high/foolish/out of your damn mind are you? You can’t seriously think...” 💭

...and my cynical side usually ends up winning. I feel defeated. A lot. I’m not really sure how a sane person can disagree and fight so much with themselves, but it seems to happen to me quite frequently.

I’m feeling extremely frustrated, restless, and sick to my stomach tonight. I have never been great at calming myself down or letting energy out in a healthy way. It’s not so much that I don’t try, it’s more because I just don’t know how. After all the therapy I’ve been through, you’d think I could have figured out something that works for me by now, but no. I’ve always thought therapy is nothing to be ashamed of, and that everyone could benefit from it from time to time in some way, even if they’re perfectly (mentally) healthy. It was my opinion that therapy shouldn’t be reserved for struggling through tough times or a personal crisis. Now, I’m not so sure. I don’t feel like I have a whole lot to show for it, which I’m sure would most likely be attributed to lack of effort on my part, but that’s simply not true. Maybe my frustration and confusion come off as apathy and stubbornness — and my mental and physical defects don’t help say otherwise (even though they should. I got kicked out of treatment years ago because I was having severe neurological problems, and my AA sponsor quit working with me because I had a panic attack in front of her and it freaked her out. Actually, I think she was more pissed than anything because she took time out of her day off to meet with me. She also didn’t understand the first thing about anxiety and questioned me continuously if I was ready to work with her, because she didn’t want to ‘waste’ her time. I was ready — so in reality, she wasted my time.) But as far as therapy goes, I tried to make my goals perfectly clear, but my sessions were always steered in the wrong direction. I want to learn positive coping skills. I need to learn positive coping skills. All I’ve known my whole adult life is how to get drunk to the point of not caring, and that can’t happen anymore.

I used to be a really open person. I didn’t mind talking about personal things, in fact, I was happy when someone expressed interest in me. It made me feel real. I still don’t mind sharing things with others. I truly don’t, and you never know who might be going through the same shit as you, or who could offer advice or suggestions on how to approach things in a way you hadn’t thought of. So that hasn’t changed; I’m still an open book. Ask away. I’ll talk about anything. What has changed is that now I’m finding that I’m afraid to share. I didn’t really care before, because if someone didn’t like what I had to say or something about me, they could fuck off for all I cared. I didn’t like myself and I really didn’t care if anyone else did either. But it’s different now. I’m scared of being judged, chasing people away, and plain old rejection. Oh, and being misunderstood. Sometimes trying to explain my emotions and how/why I act on them the way I do is like trying to explain calculus to a baby. I don’t get it, so how the hell is someone else supposed to get it? I feel like the more I talk, the more distant people become. And maybe it’s in my head. I’ve always been nervous about being rejected — that’s not new. But I don’t want people to think I’m nuts.

I became so isolated when I was living by myself with R & S (they were the responsible ones in the apartment). Rarely did anyone come by (most of the time when someone did visit, it was a disaster), and rarely did I talk to anyone, outside of one or two close friends that both live far away. However, I don’t consider myself desperate, so that’s a step up. For as much as I have a hard time believing any positive things people have to say about me, I think if I got up the courage to really put myself out there, I could meet a handful of people. That’s all I’ve really ever needed. Yet, at the same time, I feel like it’s a mistake to even be writing this. I fear someone is going to read it, or older entries, and think “this girl is insane”. Maybe I’m not ready. I want to be.. I want to be so badly. Before, I didn’t care. I accepted my misery as just being the way my life had to be, and I stewed in it for years. I’m trying to turn things around, but it’s so much harder than I thought it was going to be. There’s always something. Life dealt me a shitty hand, and I don’t want to focus on that anymore. Life dealt lots of people shitty hands. I have to learn to deal with it, and I know there’s plenty of people with greater problems than I can even comprehend that still wake up every morning, go to work, come home, unwind, and are in bed by like 11pm. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to sleep that early. Hell, it’s almost 3:30 and I don’t feel tired at all. Ugh. Well, maybe I’m barely starting to feel it..

My mom and I got in a fight today. I think she misinterpreted something I said and refused to talk to me about it, even after I let us both cool off for a few hours. I don’t know why, but I seem to have the worst luck with trying to do adult things on my own. Again, it’s always something, but instead of sitting here, bitching about it, I just want to know what I can do differently so it doesn’t happen again. I’m starting to hate complaining. I never thought I’d see the day.. Anyways. This particular incident involved a huge ordeal with my idiot dentist office(s). I think there was a misunderstanding about my intent and expectation with medications, which, I guess I deserve. I don’t have any ulterior motives and I never wanted or expected someone to supply them for me (other than the dentist himself) — I just don’t want to be in pain. But I guess I understand why I can’t be trusted with certain things. It doesn’t make it hurt any less. I did it to myself, I know, but I’m trying to prove that I’m not like that anymore. I know that’s going to take a very long time, though. And speaking of my mother, we’re not getting along and it’s getting worse and worse every day. It makes me sad, knowing I’m such a burden to everyone around me. We’ve never seen eye-to-eye, and I’ll always be the black sheep of the family, or the elephant in the room, or whatever. If I knew how to fix it, I would, but I don’t, so I can’t. She can’t see me as anything but a child and I won’t accept anything less than being treated like an adult. I’m not blaming her. I think it’s equally our faults, but I don’t really see a lot of effort on her part. I know she resents me for how much my dad and her have had to help me. I’m not trying to bash her or say she’s a bad mother or anything like that. I just wish we got along. I was so upset about it earlier, I was actually crying. I used to cry all the time, but not anymore. Maybe I just have a stone heart. But it’s probably much more likely that at least some of my meds are working.

One last thing. I hate the feeling that I’m being lied to. I know some things aren’t my business, and that’s okay. But just be honest and say that. I may be a teenie bit upset by that response, but it’s a hell of a lot better than lying to me. I’d rather appreciate the honesty than have to be resentful over something that isn’t true. And when I feel like someone is being deceitful, I can’t get the thought out of my head and it drives me mad. (That’s not directed at anyone, just a general observation. I’m ready to post this and go watch tv.)

Whew. Apparently I had a lot on my mind...

#Personal #Rambling #Long Post #Don’t Even Remember What I Wrote

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