#anyway is the series over yet bc it's time for these old men to hit the golf course

[sadhockeyfan]

i'm just glad the isles won one game this time around bc i will never forgive the c*nes for the second round sweep of 2019

[ktheist]

girls like you [don’t] run ‘round with guys like me | m

characters. popular!reader x shy!jimin

genre. college au. rich kids au. fwb au. eventual ceo au. eventual racer au.

words. 4k

warnings. 18+

note. this is a repost. tumblr messed up my exposure last time. this fic didn’t show up in search and it’s probably a third post of mine that ends up like this. this one probably won’t either but posting bc someone might see it and like it.

x

It’s easy to tell when Park Jimin is in love.

Unlike Kim Seokjin, his eccentric, dad joke-loving friend, Jimin would only wear the pastel pink when he’s feeling giggly and shy and mushy inside.

The source of said feelings being either the barista he goes to get his daily dose of coffee from, or the girl at the library he studies at during finals or well, right now it’s the girl he’s fucking almost every day of the week - you.

“What are you doing?” Seokjin looks at him like he just dumped a spoonful of salt in a broth that needs a little, teensy bit of sugar.

Or his face seems to say that as he goes on, “she’s a mean girl. She’s mean.”

Jimin isn’t sure if Seokjin’s aware that he’s just repeated the same thing twice.

“She calls you Chim!” The older man reiterates.

“Yeah, it’s…” Jimin trails off, the heartwarming image of you cuddling into him after yet another mindblowing sex, flashing at the back of his mind, “...her pet name for me.”

“Sounds to me like she can’t remember your actual name,” Min Yoongi interjects from the couch he’s claimed for himself ever since they got to their usual hangout.

It’s a penthouse Jimin’s parents bought him on his 18th birthday. Him and the boys would hang around there after they’re done with classes or just need a place to crash whenever they have problems with their girlfriends or boyfriends or parents or any sort of problem that renders their usual room not sleepable.

“I think we can just agree we have different wants,” Jeongguk - or the sanest of them all, as Jimin likes to call him - chirps in, taking a bite of the apple he got from the fridge.

“Exactly,” Jimin throws his hands up as if freed from his elder friends’ judge-filled eyes. The vibration of his phone in his lap gives him even more comfort to know that he finally has an excuse to slip away - he checks his phone, your name flashing in the bubble that says ‘hey, wyd?’

“I have to go, it’s ___.”

A series of groans and hollers equally erupts from the men in the room at the realization of what Jimin’s ‘having to go’ means.

And so it goes. Jimin finds himself under your blanket that smells like fresh laundry - it’s a nude green color compared to the pleated black and white from last time. Your head is on his chest and he’s caressing your hair like it’s the softest thing he’s ever laid his hands on.

Besides your boobs, that is.

“I was thinking… since we have Monday off… maybe we could-”

It’s the way you push yourself off him, eyes that are onto him gazing straight into his soul, “oh shoot, Monday’s a public holiday. I totally forgot! I have to meet my parents. My dad’s been nagging me to come back since I skipped Christmas and New Year.”

And there goes his chance to ask you out on a date.

“Oh yeah, what were you saying about Monday?”

Jimin wears the biggest fake smile he can muster, “just that… me and the boys are gonna hang out and we’re bringing our girlfriends and boyfriends and uh- doesn’t have to be someone you’re exclusively seeing,” he almost chokes at the almost-admittance that he has the fattest crush on you and wants to make it official by inviting you to a couple’s-only hang out, “but like, I don’t think I’m going, it’s boring anyway.”

He waves his hand dismissively, trying to play it cool.

You make a cooing sound, eyebrows knitting together as your lips pout cutely before a playful smile blooms on your face, “I know what you’re trying to say.”

“You do?” Jimin thinks he heard his heart dropping to his stomach.

“Yeah, you’re single and all the boys have someone special they’re gonna bring… it’s gonna be awkward as hell because they’re gonna act different because they’re around their special someone so you thought if I was there, it’d be more fun because at least you have a friend with you that’s not gonna act fake the whole time there but I can’t go so you decided you’re not going too like a minute ago.”

Silence lulls in after your analogy that you sound so sure of when, in fact, he has a whole list of things he’d do on the date which he may or may not have gone over a hundred times in his head.

Doesn’t matter now, since that date is a no-go.

He’s going to delete that list off his phone once he gets to his place and drink himself silly until he wipes it out of his mind.

“Yeah,” Jimin says a moment later, “yeah… I mean, girls in love are cute but boys in love are just… annoying.”

The week flies by without Jimin ever mentioning Monday and you’ve showed him the clothes you’re going to wear to visit your parents because apparently-

“It’s lunch at some five star Michelin restaurant and I think they’re gonna tell me they’re getting a divorce,” your voice drifts into the room from the open, walk-in closet.

“If they’re not in some long, dreadful battle on who gets the holiday house with the pool and the dogs - how do I look?” You step out, in a frilly creme sweater with a black ribbon tied around the collar of your white undershirt with a black pleated skirt that stops mid-thighs, just inches from your black stockings.

A glaring contrast to your collection of washed out skinny jeans, plain t-shirts and sneakers.

“You… look…” Jimin knows he should stop openly ogling at your never-before-seen drip but there’s just something about the creme colored sweater.

“Like a good girl?” You offer with a smile Jimin couldn’t quite put a name to. Somehow he notices a trace of sadness in your eyes, but you disappear into the closet too soon.

“I’ll think about what to wear the morning I need to wear it,” you’re in the middle of pulling off the sweater when Jimin comes up behind you, kissing your neck and grabbing your boobs like they’re his.

The sound of your giggle is music to his ears.

That is, until his boner brushes against your butt and you gasp, “Chim! We just did it.”

“I know but you look so cute in that sweater.” He sounds exactly like Jeongguk. Like a fuckboy.

Like one of the boys you got tired of before you finally noticed him, the quiet, shy guy who’s friends with the outgoing, baby-faced Jeon Jeongguk whom - Jimin hates to admit it but he thinks about this every once so often and gets jealous all on his own - you’ve humped and dumped.

How you and Jeongguk still manage to stay friends and tease each other about the other’s choice of partners, Jimin doesn’t know.

It’s like a twin calling the other ugly.

He wonders if you and him will still stay friends after…

Jimin pushes the thought out of his mind. It’s not hard to forget everything when he’s with you - when he’s kissing you on the mouth like you’re the only girl he’ll want to spend the rest of his college life with and maybe his old days with together too.

“Chim, I can’t get my shirt creased,” you say but you’re already dripping wet and laying down in said shirt that’s half ridden up from him sucking and biting on your nipples.

He stopped you when you tried to take off your clothes.

“I’ll wash it and iron it for you,” he negotiates just as he rolls the condom over his length.

The sound of your giggle makes his heart skip a beat. Or maybe that’s the libido?

Either way, your mouth clamps shut when he pulls you down against him by the dip of your waist.

A different kind of hymn leaves your lips as Jimin throws his head back, relishing in the feeling of you around him.

When Monday rolls around, Jimin’s lying on the bean bag with his two legs sprawled over the floor. The boys are all out with either their significant others, working part-time or at a party.

The worn out baseball Jimin’s been tossing in the air and catching with one hand finally hits him square in the face when he hears the doorbell, signaling the presence of someone at the door and that someone being none of the boys because they would just punch in the code and strut in like they own the place.

Jimin thought maybe it’s Yoongi - the guy couldn’t even remember what he had for dinner and actually forgot the passcode to his own rental room once.

So he didn’t think to check who it was.

When your bright smile and slightly puffy eyes flash in front of him, Jimin thinks his soul just yeeted itself out of his body.

“Hey!” You sing song, holding up two plastic bags of beers and snacks.

It takes a moment for him to snap out of his stupor and grab them from your hands and then stepping aside to let you in.

“Is… everyone late or am I just early?” You sound increasingly confused as you step further into the center of the room, standing right next to the bean bag he was laying in just a moment ago.

“Oh-” he says once before he opens his mouth the second time, ready to spurt out another lie, “oh yeah… we decided not to ‘cause why hang out in a group when you can hang out with your significant other… you know, just the two of you… doing what couples do…”

“Huh,” you say, nodding though not quite believing him but you being you, easily lets it slide, plopping on the bean bag and grabbing the closest thing to you which is the ball that hit Jimin in the face - he’s sure he has a circular mark smack dab in the area on the top of his nose bridge, in between his eyes.

The dress you end up wearing is creme colored and riding up your thighs - Jimin swallows thickly and give extra attention to the bottle opener.

“So… how did lunch go?” He pops two beers open and hands one to you, taking a seat on Yoongi’s favorite couch and admiring how your dress is taking the shape of your body as gravity pulls it down.

“Oh, you know, everyone was being fake and acting like the perfect role in the family,” you put the beer down a few inches above your head so as to not tip it over with the ball you’re waving around but not throwing in the air like Jimin did.

“Sounds suffocating,” Jimin repeats a similar answer he gives whenever you use that dismissive tone while talking about your family.

“...are you okay?” Then he asks - and he’s genuinely asking - about your state of mind while casually downing the beer and feeling the bitterness lessen with every gulp.

The silence that lapses in between you is familiar.

“If I say no, can I get a hug?” It’s the look in your eyes, glimmering like the lake he used to go to in summer.

“Always,” he sets his beer down on the table next to the couch and goes over to you, standing on his knees before bending down and engulfing you in his arm.

You’ve always had a knack for picking yourself up.

When he sees you the next time, which is on instagram and a post of you having lunch with your friends, Jimin could hardly believe that’s the girl who asked him for a hug as if she’s afraid she’ll be putting him in an uncomfortable spot by asking for too much.

But there’s something…

Like an invisible wall made of ice that he can’t thaw through nor can he climb over to get to the other side where you are. Where you keep the people you love the closest. Closer than he’ll ever be.

Jeon Jeongguk is one of them.

In the picture of five people huddled close to fit in the frame, Jeongguk has his arm over you with a peace sign while you lean your head on his neck but not actually resting on it - like it’s an unconscious action you’d do because you’ve done that plenty of times.

Is it when you two were together?

Everyone he knows, knows that you and Jeongguk used to be more than just friends at some point.

Sometimes he still hears people talking about you two in passing.

‘Did ___ and Jeongguk get back together? I saw in Jeongguk’s snapstory - they were in a club or something.’

‘No way. There goes my chance of getting close with Jeongguk.’

‘Girl, with ___ hanging around him 24/7, do you think he’d look at girls like us?’

‘A girl can dream though.’

Jimin wanted to open his mouth and tell them they deserve way better than Jeon Jeongguk - though they’re not prettier than you.

He thinks you’re the loveliest girl on planet earth and if there was another life form on another planet, he’s almost a hundred percent sure you’d still be prettiest being in the universe with your obsession for skinny jeans and the way you’d unconsciously pout when he talks about how things weren’t going his way that day as if you would’ve exchanged your abundance of luck with his shitty one just because you’ve got that big of a heart and how you’d be walking with your friends, laughing and giggling and when you see him, you’d wave at him like you’re good friends.

Second only to Jeongguk and your friend group that you’re always hanging out with.

“Oh, ___? We were childhood friends.”

“Hmm… Gguk and I became friends because our parents are friends.”

The two of them say at different times and settings when Jimin asked, trying to play it cool. Like he isn’t just brimming with jealousy. Like he’s not half-way to losing his mind because the girl of his dreams just went to a retreat with his friend-of-a-friend-turned-actual-friend together when everyone else in the group who was excitedly planning for the trip - couldn’t make it.

The rooms at the inn weren’t even pre-booked. It was owned by Jeongguk’s family and they didn’t deposit any money for the trip for them to rationalize going on that trip anyway despite everyone else not being to go.

“The trip? It was fun, if you want we can go together next time.”

Jimin isn’t sure if you even mean that when he asked how the trip went after you’re glistening with the glow of after sex and scrolling through instagram, liking posts of everyone you know.

But then three months later, on your break, Jimin is hit with a ‘keep your schedule free next week for a whole week!!!’

Then he finds himself at a five star hotel by the beach with the most breathtaking view of the sea.

It wasn’t the inn owned by the Jeon’s but Jimin liked the fact that you brought him to a place - and he hopes his assumptions are true - your friends have never been before. Especially Jeongguk.

“Woah, this place is better than I thought,” a king sized bed lies directly across from the balcony where you’re standing, hair flying behind your back as the seaside breeze blows into the room.

“We can watch the sun rise and set from our bed,” Jimin comments for the sake of saying something.

He’s not sure what this means. He’s not sure if he should be having a boner at the thought of the two of you being together for a whole week without any other person getting in the way. He’s not sure if his heart should be thumping this fast.

For the first time since he’s known you, Park Jimin is the most unsure he’s ever been.

“You know what I wanna watch?” Your hands slip in his as you stand between him  and the open balcony door, “you under me, biting your lips because you’re still shy about the sound you make.”

So when you tug him back into the bedroom just minutes after checking in, naturally, Park Jimin follows like he’s been bewitched by your ungodly beauty.

Once the one week of nothing but heavenly morning wishes and passionate night kisses - oh, there was more than just kissing but Jimin remembers how your lips meld so perfectly together with his the most - Jimin is sure.

‘Something definitely changed.’

He thinks maybe it’s not impossible to dream of a future with you even after college.

“Jimin I-... I’m not at a point in life to be thinking about relationships,” you say, hand gripping your arm, head lowered as if your whole body is saying sorry.

“O-oh,” is all he says, he hearts his heart breaking and his chest caving.

All of a sudden, the lights in Gangnam city doesn’t seem so bright anymore.

You both live your last year pretending like the other doesn’t exist. He doesn’t look at you when he passes you and neither did you. Only talks to Jeongguk even though you’re right next to the aforementioned man - granted you were talking with your other friends like you didn’t even notice him there.

But Jimin’s never felt so invisible in his life than he does now.

Then, graduation rolls around and he thinks finally, he won’t have to walk through the hallway and pretend like he didn’t see you. Don't have to keep a five feet distance whenever you meet up for a group project.

Park Jimin doesn’t need to see your pretty face and starry eyes anymore.

“Jimin… do you have a minute?”

Or so he thought.

“So… congrats on surviving college,” you make small talk while standing just ten feet away from the boys whom he’s sure are speculating on what you’re talking about.

Jimin never got to prove to his friends that you’re not the mean, name-forgetting girl they all thought.

Jeongguk knows you’re not. He’s always backing Jimin up when Jimin’s debunking their passing accusations about you.

“Sometimes things just don’t work out between two people but doesn’t mean one of them is the bad guy.” Jeongguk's words put an end to their debate of whether Jimin deserved better than you or not.

For someone young, Jeongguk spoke his mind decidedly.

Jimin felt ashamed that he’d ever been jealous of Jeongguk’s relationship with you.

“I just… didn’t wanna leave things on a bad note. I’m sorry if I hurt your feelings when I said no but I really like spending time with you - whether it’s sex or just staying over and cuddling for hours… I like it all.” You say the word sex and cuddle like they’re used interchangeably and Jimin thinks his heart just fluttered.

And you’d said it in public where your everyone can see or possibly pick up on what you were saying, at that.

Well, one thing’s for sure, you’ve got bigger balls than he does.

“My feelings are the same as six months ago and call me crazy but I don’t think you dislike me either.” He finally says and it feels like a deadweight has been lifted off his shoulders.

There comes that pout, as if something is bothering you and you always ever pout like that when that something concerns him.

“You kidding me? I can never dislike you.”

The Jimin from six months ago would have stared at you with disbelief and a dust of pink on his cheeks. But the Jimin he is now simply smiles, heart thumping in his chest. He nods.

“Thanks for telling me that,” and Jimin knows that’s the closest to an ‘I like you’ he can get with the girl who builds an ice fortress around her heart.

A whole year passes by and Jimin finds himself in different shades of grey every day, working at his dad’s company and attending dinner meetings. Life comes to a standstill while time passes him by.

“So, like, you have a sports car, right? Why don’t you come over to the race circuit after dinner? Everyone’s gonna be there.”

Jeongguk tells him over the phone.

And by ‘everyone’ he means the sons and daughters in the corporate world. It’s networking at its finest.

When he’s there, three cars are already racing in the circuit. The smell of burnt rubber and the sound of tires screeching against asphalt isn’t exactly his favorite but they have cheap booze instead of fine wine and he knows the people here are in for the same thing as he is.

An escape.

Away from the grandeur of fine wine and dinner dresses and the elders breathing down their necks and having to act like the next heir to the legacy they were born to carry.

“That Chevrolet over there,” Jeongguk comes, hand on Jimin’s back as his other one that’s holding a bottle of beer points at a red car that looks like a racing fireball, “everyone’s betting on that one tonight.”

Jimin doesn’t know there’s a bet.

“I’ll skip the bet this time ‘round. Haven’t seen the driver yet,” he shrugs dismissively.

Even in stock investment, he’d learned to study the market first before placing his best bet.

Jeongguk leaves his side when his friends - he’s got new ones now - beckons him over. At the same time, the Chevrolet passes the finish line seconds before the Ford Mustang and McLaren 720s, making it the winner of the night.

The driver seems like a show off with the way the car rolls up to the audience, the sound of its engines revving into the night being met with cheers of half-drunk young adults.

Arrogance is a man’s downfall.

Jimin’s about to turn around and head for the exit when the door of the car gets pushed open. The driver steps out, decked in black and red leather jeans and jackets that seem to match the car.

But it’s the smooth, silken hair that cascades past the helmet that catches his eyes.

Park Jimin’s seen many arrogant men in his life but he’s only ever seen one woman with balls and looks good wearing them.

“___! ___! ___!” The crowd starts cheering as you pull off the helmet, holding it underneath your arm and waist.

Your eyes are as brilliant as the night sky full of stars. They’re tinged with shock and then recognition. And finally, you smile that gorgeous smile that gets you misunderstood often as a woman who doesn’t need anything or anyone but uses them as they come.

But Park Jimin knows better than anyone, how wholeheartedly happy that smile looks when you see him.

Like meeting a good friend after a long time.

Seven months down the road, Jimin finds himself with just a blanket draped over his waist while you’re taking a shower in his bathroom to get ready to head to Hong Kong for a business trip.

He hears the sound of the shower head being turned off. The tapping of your foot around his bedroom as you pick up your clothes that are strewn all over the floor.

Then the bed dips ever so gently under your weight as you climb over to him, the fresh scent of shower get filling his senses.  Lips press a deep, lingering kiss on his. As if you don’t want to go to a place where he won’t be.

A few socials and midnight races after his first meeting with you after a long time, you asked him if he’s seeing someone.

“If I say yes, what will you do?” It’s playful at first, because Jimin didn’t want to get himself hurt the second time.

But it’s the way you tilted your head, a finger tapping on your chin as you pondered on his words, “that’s a problem because I don’t want to be that girl that steals another girl’s man,” then you looked at him like you know he’s the one you want to wake up to every morning and the last face you see when you sleep at night and if you can’t have that. then-

“Can you be mine… just for tonight?”

“I don’t think I can.” The crestfallen expression you wear makes his own heart break, even if it’s just for a split second-

“Because I’m not seeing anyone but I’m in that point in life where I want a serious relationship or nothing at all.”

But what he doesn’t tell you is how he doesn’t want a relationship if it’s not with the girl who still haunts his dreams even after all this time.

Just like how you’d turned him down because you weren’t looking to be in a relationship before, you’d courted Jimin like you’d want to spend your whole life with him now.

Flowers got sent to his office everyday until it smells nothing short of floral. You’d be there, waving at him like he’s your savior in that dreadful social you were both attending. Every week, you’d plan dinner dates under the guise of catching up.

Before you race, you’d look over to where he’s standing, as if saying ‘this one’s for you’ before slipping into your car and coming out first every single time.

As if you were making up for every month of the year that you’d let life pass you by.

Now you’ve won a total of 36 races since he met you and the metal band you gifted him on the night of your 12th win feels warm against his skin. As if it’s absorbed all the love and adoration you poured into it.

And you’re wearing that ring he got you on your birthday on your finger that’s resting on his chest where his heart is as he kisses you back just as reluctant to let you leave.

But Park Jimin knows wherever you are, wherever you will be - you will always find your way back to each other.

Back home.

[pinoyrella]

Haikyuu Boys Throwing a Rock At Your Window

Like you know that “trying to get the attention of someone” cliche mostly from those cheesy American rom-com films? Yeah THAT throwing rocks at your window

FT: Bokuto Koutaro, Ushijima Wakastoshi, and our one and only Miya Atsumu x GN!READER

GENRE: Mostly CRACK, Fluff (mostly Ushijima’s).

Word Count- Total: 4,900 +

Ushijima’s: 1,502. 

Bokuto’s: 1,166. 

Atsumu’s + Bonus: 2,297

TW: A lot of cursing, esp w Atsumu’s. there are a few slight NSFW jokes (im sorry im like this)

Quick PSA: (before we begin!!)

1. I just wanna thank my bb @babydontstoop​ for staying up w me until 3 am in the morning thinking of this stupid shit, love her so much we got more ideas coming soon!! 

2. Also im so sorry the first half of atsumu’s is basically just inarizaki shenanigans, i don’t know why its there or how it even got to that, but imma just keep it there for the sake that maybe some of you guys might enjoy it and i spent so much time on it asdghkd ToT. i added a little “start” if you want to skip the the x reader content tho!! I hope you guys enjoy my first work!! MWAH ILY!! Thank you so much again!!

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ushijima Wakatoshi

I feel like our ushi gushy would be in on it

But only bc Tendou influenced him telling him it's what ppl do nowadays

“Wakatoshi-Kun ur not throwing hard enough I don’t think she heard it”

And he would just look at him n be like “ok”

THEN THROWS IT W THE SAME STRENGTH HE USES TO SPIKE

AFSDGHJK RIP Y/N

It definitely did not only smashed thru ur window, it winds up denting ur wall

“Wakatoshi-kun~” Tendou’s cheerful voice pops into Ushijima’s dorm. “It’s time to give me back this week’s “Jump”! I brought a new one, it’s a bit different from what I’ve been giving you to read!”

“I’ve just finished reading “Removes Unnecessary Hair and Leaves Skin Feeling Silky Smooth” Ushijima replies monotonously with said manga in his grasp.

“You’re still reading the adverts? I told you last time to just focus on the manga.” Tendo takes the shounen manga from Ushijima’s hands and closes it. “This one is sure to keep you focused on the story this time! Plus, it may help you with your lack of romance situation.” He says as he plops a copy of a popular shoujo manga in his friend’s palms. “Anyways, I got to go, tell me your impressions later~” Tendo strolls out, letting the door to Ushijima’s dorm shut on its own.

Ushijima watches the door shut, before turning his attention back to the manga his best friend spontaneously left in his hand. ‘Lack of romance?’

The following day strolls around and Tendo is first to greet his friend. “Wakatoshi-kun~” Ushijima turns and greets him back with a low “good morning” before continuing his pace to class. 

“So, tell me what did you think of the manga I gave you the other day?” The red haired man says, stretching his arms over his head, giving the stoic man a quirky smile as he makes his way to his seat. Ushijima opens his leather bag to take out the shoujo manga Tendo gave him the other day, handing it to his friend before replying. “It was pleasant.”

Tendo blinks before letting out a restless sigh, taking the pink-covered manga from his friend’s hand before plopping into his seat, head down to the desk. “ “It was pleasant?” What are we going to do with you Wakatoshi-kun, and to think I had hope when you told me you were finally going to confess to y/n.”

Ushijima stays silent, watching his friend.

Tendo looks up, a hand under his chin, before turning back to his buddy. “Have you thought of how you were going to confess yet?”

Ushijima lets out a low “no” before Tendo goes back to losing it over his friend. “That’s what the manga was for! I thought it’d help you come up with an idea…”

Ushijima stays silent, watching his friend break down once again. Before turning his gaze to the door, as you stroll in greeting your classmates a “good morning” before settling down at your desk. Of course you don’t go unnoticed to Tendo as well, he caught his friend turning his head towards your direction the moment you walked in. You give a small smile and wave to both Tendo and Ushijima, Ushijima giving back an awkward yet sincere small smile and wave. The sweet look of innocence and love linger on his best friend’s face, even after he turned around to face the board’s direction. Tendo can’t leave his friend unhelped, especially not with that god-awkward smile he gave you. Then pwoosh an idea strucks him.

“Wakatoshi-kun” Tendo whispers, catching the attention of his friend, before leaning into his ear.

“Tendo.” “Wakatoshi-kun!” Tendo sprints lightly towards his friend, both freshly changed into their casuals, after the day’s worth of volleyball practice. It’s barely half past 6:30pm, the two tall men stand outside your dorm’s building. “Follow me~” Tendo begins to walk off around the corner, stopping just a few windows down, then looking up, pointing towards a window that is slightly covered by (insert ur fav color) curtains, and a few stickers stuck to the glass of the window. The lights were on, letting them know you were in your dorm. Ushijima visibly tenses up after reaching where his friend stood. “Don’t worry, this is their room, I know those animal crossing stickers from anywhere.” Tendo reassures his friend. Ushijima slowly relaxes before bending down to pick up a rock. “Is this okay?” he asks his friend, just remembering the short flashback of what his friend whispered into his ear earlier that day. 

“Wakatoshi-kun~” Tendo calls out to his friend, then leaning in towards his ear. “I have an idea! Semi was telling me about this scene from a romance movie he saw last week. It’s what all the cool kids do in America to get the attention of the person they like!” Explaining the details to his friend, before the bell rang signifying that class has just begun.

“Yes! That rock looks perfect, now aim for their window!” His friend lets out a clap before shooting his fingers towards your window. 

Ushijima adjusts his stance, getting ready to toss the rock towards your window. Tendo watches in anticipation, as Ushijima finally lets go of the rock after sending it flying up. The rock lightly taps your window, the two wait restlessly, feeling as 5 minutes have passed,  but really was 30 seconds.

Tendo picks up the same rock from the ground and places it in Ushijima’s left hand. “Wakatoshi-kun, you’re not throwing hard enough! I don’t think they didn’t hear it.” The tall man nods as began to adjust himself once more, putting all his energy into the rock in his left hand, determined to grab your attention. but just as he lets go of the rock, the window opens, and reveals you standing there, looking down at the two boys confused. Tendo and Ushijima’s eyes widened at the sight of you, but it was too late, the rock was already tobe flying towards you. “Tendo-san? Ushi-” before you finish your sentence, you finally notice the rock launching in your direction, thanking your quick reflexes, you dodge it just barely. You turn and watch in slow-mo as the rock hits your closet door, leaving a deep dent and a scratch. 

Stunned, you stare at the dent before walking over to pick the rock up, and heading back towards your window. “Really?” You say out loud in a jokingly sarcastic tone, holding the rock up for the two boys to see, while trying your best not to laugh at the series of events before you. You know this situation oh too well, especially from a certain scene after binge watching rom-coms with your cousin Semi the other week.

The two men just stare at you, with nothing to say, before Tendo lets out a burst of laughter. You gave in as well and began laughing with him. Ushijima lets out a low laugh.

“Stay there!” You yell down, before closing your window and making your way downstairs to meet the boys.

“Anyways, I got to go! Tell me her impressions later~” Tendo gives Ushijima a pat on the back before sprinting away from this whole situation. 

Ushijima stays there, awaiting your arrival. He turns after hearing heavy pants, seeing you bent forward slightly, facing him with a hand on your knee, and the other still holding onto the rock he had unintentionally launched at you. “Jesus.. Sorry give me a second” Ushijima nods, staring at your figure. Although hair disheveled, out of breath and face as red as a tomato from having to run down a flight of stairs and around the corner to meet him, he still thinks you’re the most beautiful person he has ever laid eyes on. After a few seconds, you prop yourself up, eyes staring into his. Now it was Ushijima’s turn to turn bright red, in fact, realization hit him, it was just the two of you alone, behind a building, “oh how scandalise Wakatoshi-kun.” he can imagine Tendo saying that to him.

You two just stand there for a second, staring into each other’s eyes before you began. “I think you dropped this.” You tell him with a slight giggle. Ushijima lets out a small laugh with you, as he grabs the rock in your palm, your hands brushing against each other, making the stoic man turn redder. “Thank you.” he says softly. “Next time, just come to me, this is a little too cliche for the big old Ushijima Wakatoshi, no?” Crossing your arms, you gave him another smile. GOD was he captivated. If he didn’t have any restrain, he would have leaned down and kissed you then and there. His grasp on the rock tightens slightly, thoughts running before a small peck is felt onto his cheek. He snaps out of his imagination before noticing how close your face was to his. “But that was still, a very cute and very dangerous attempt.” You chuckle once again before stepping back.

“See you tomorrow in class Ushijima-san” You wink before turning back to your dorm.

Ushijima stands there bewildered. A hand going to the cheek you have left an imprint of your lips on. He has his best friend Tendo to thank later. If these silly cliches will lead to your sweet smile and a peck on the cheek, he can’t wait to continue the sweet gestures your future relationship has yet to come.

Bokuto Koutaro

My sweet sweet baby boy

He does NOT know his own strength

He uses a big rock too

You hear a panicked “AKAAAASHI!!!”

Apparently Akaashi tried to stop him after Bo told him of his scheme, but failed to, so instead of letting him go alone, he went w him to make sure Bokuto wouldn’t get himself into TOO much trouble. U kno supervisor n shit

“Akaashi!!!” Bokuto greets his underclassman, sliding into the seat beside him as the quiet man takes out his lunch, slowly unwrapping it. “Good afternoon Bokuto-san.”

 “Akaashi! You know y/n right?! And you know how long I’ve liked them, and wanted to confess my feelings right?” Bokuto asks excitedly. “How can I forget, they’re in my class, in fact-” Akaashi leans a bit to the left, pointing his thumb backwards to his shoulder, showing you perched on your desk with your headphones in, eyes closed as you had just taken a savory bite from the meal you had prepared for yourself at home before class. Bokuto short circuits before he lets out a cry of despair, his head falling to the desk, before picking himself back up and shoving his face close to Akaashi’s. “Why didn’t you tell me!! Did you think they heard what I said? Akaashi I can’t believe you! You should warn me about this!!” He whispers before moving his eyes back to you, watching you serenely chew the food in your mouth, everything you do leaves him absolutely speechless, oh god how he wished he was the food in your mouth. 

Before Akaashi could reply to ask his friend to move farther away, your eyes open and immediately dart towards the unfamiliar classmate in your classroom. 

“Bo!” You immediately stand up, grabbing your lunch before making your way to sit behind him and Akaashi. “Try this! I made it this morning, it’s still fresh, say AH~” You hold your chopsticks towards his face, waiting for him to take a bite. It’s like the embarrassment and worry of you hearing him liking you left his head, he smiles at you before taking a bite of what is on the chopstick. He begins chewing, tasting the savory flavor of your dish, wishing he could wake up everyday to your cooking. “Y/n this is delicious!!!” He replies ecstatically. You giggle in response, using the chopsticks in your hand to pick off the rice stuck to his bottom lip, before dropping it back into your lunchbox, Bokuto unintentionally lets out a  “NO!” as he lightly grabs your wrist, placing the chopstick back into his mouth to catch the rice. “Don’t waste it, it’s so good!” He pouts and you try to hold yourself from laughing at how adorable he is. “Bokuto-san, it was just a grain of rice.” “Akaashi! Don’t say that about y/n’s cooking!” He retorts. You let out another chuckle before digging into the bottom compartment of the lunch box, to grab another pair of chopsticks. “Let’s share yeah?” At this point, Bokuto remembers why he fell for you all over again.

“I have to use the restroom before lunch ends! Akaashi watch my stuff?” You ask the quiet boy, “Of course” “Thanks!!!” You say before sprinting off. “Bokuto-san” Akaashi attempts to call out to Bokuto, but he’s still in a trance as he watched your figure disappear out of the classroom and into the hallway. “Bokuto-san” Bokuto whips his head towards his friend smiling brightly. “Did you want to tell me something earlier about y/n?” He asks him. “YES! I have figured out the perfect plan to confess to them!” Akaashi sits, his face contorts into curiosity, listening to what his friend has in mind.

“Bokuto-san” 

“And I’m thinking, I’d wait outside her window and-” 

“Bokuto-san”

“I have this rock in my hand right?! I’ll figure the right time to throw and-”

“BOKUTO-SAN”

“AKAAAAASHI!! What is it? Did you get lost in my amazing plan?” 

“Bokuto-san, this doesn’t..” He pauses for a second, trying to find a way to slowly put down his friend’s idea, after hearing how excited he sounds for it too. “I don’t think- why don’t you just tell them? Write them a letter... Or buy a bouquet of flowers or chocolate, something that isn’t.. Illegal..” He whispers the last word, it trails his mouth.

“Akaashi you don’t understand! Y/n’s different! They deserve a unique confession! They don’t deserve a regular and common confession, they deserve something grand! Something like my idea!” Bokuto replies happily.

Akaashi lets out a sigh. ‘Well at least I tried…

Wrong.’

And this is where Akaashi found himself on a Friday night, standing beside Bokuto in front of your residence. He had thought, if he couldn’t stop his best friend, why not at least supervise him, at least he could try to physically stop him if things get out of hand, right?

Wrong.

“Oi” Akaashi hears a familiar voice and turns his head towards the direction. ‘Konoha-san?!” Akaashi’s thoughts were interrupted by Bokuto greeting his other friend. “Konoha! You’re just in time, come on let’s go!” Bokuto lets himself past your gate. “What-” “Bokuto told me about his plan, I had to see it.” Konoha lets out a smirk before pushing Akaashi past the gates with him.

The three make their way to the side of the house, finding the window to your room before stopping. Konoha tries to suppress his laughter, and Akaashi stands there bewildered. ‘Holy shit Bokuto-san’s actually going to do it.’ He freaks out internally. 

Bokuto dips his head to the floor, picking up the biggest rock he could find before turning to face his two friends. “Now, this is true romance!” He says excitedly, switching the rock to his dominant hand, and getting ready to launch, the veins in his arm protruding.

Konoha is trying, AND I MEAN TRYING, his best to not laugh too soon, a hand over his mouth and the other hand on Akaashi’s shoulder to ground himself. Akaashi’s brain realizes the situation, the veins popping from Bokuto’s arm, his beefy muscles flexing, his strength- and before he could- “Bokuto-san wait!”

SHATTER

Akaashi stands there in shock as Konoha falls to the ground in complete laughter. Bokuto stops functioning as he begins to slowly turn his head towards his two friends. “AKAASHI!!!” He screams in horror, Akaashi’s internal thoughts begin to spiral, thinking of what to do, and the laughter of Konoha’s is NOT helping.

You on the other hand, were located in the kitchen, when you heard the sound of glass breaking. You run outside in your pajamas, cooking apron and bunny slippers, and your trusty spatula still in hand as your weapon. Turning the corner of your house, you see them. Facing the three boys. “Akaashi? Bo? Konoha?” You ask in confusion. Akaashi’s brain is losing it, Konoha is laughing his ass off, and Bokuto stands there looking at you like a deer in headlights before jumping into you with his arms out. “Y/n!!! I’m so sorry I didn’t mean to break your window! I just wanted to tell you how much I love you with a grand confession but-” You wrap your arms around Bokuto returning the embrace, before your gaze turns to the two boys, then to the broken glass surrounding their feet, and finally looking up to your bedroom window, as you finally process Bokuto’s confession. “WHAT?!”

Miya Atsumu

This motherfker, “would do it on purpose but accidently”.

“Hey samu look how hard i can throw this rock”

He throws it and cracks ur window

He would RUN away, he be like “SHIT SHIT SHIT”

You bet Suna’s in the background recording all of this.

Gin’s the getaway driver bc he's prob the most responsible one of the four second years, or at least most likely to get their driver’s license first ykwim

“GO GO GO GO”

The Inarizaki volleyball club room is filled with chattering, the volleyball fanatics converse with each other. It seems a bit off today, a little too calm… before Osamu walks in irritated. The boys chattering dies down as they turn to the wing spiker, all is well until- “OI ‘SAMU!” There it is. The blonde strolls in after his younger twin. “OI!” “holy shit ‘tsumu shut the fuck up or so god help me im about to make myself an only child” “RUDE!” As always, the Miya twins make a grand entrance, every single day, right before practice. Before Atsumu could scream another word, he catches the gaze of Kita, the stares of daggers stopping him in place, reminding him where he is. Atsumu gulps and begins to get undressed. 

The conversations between the boys continue where they were left, before the Miyans arrived. “Hey Gin, congrats on your driver’s license!” Akagi praises Ginjima before jumping to ruffle his hair. “Oh? Nice.” Suna congratulates. Aran comes around and wraps his arm loosely around Ginjima’s shoulder “This calls for a celebration, what do you say captain?” He turns to look at Kita, waiting for his response. “I suppose why not. Let’s get to practice.” He replies, being the first to head out.

Cut to the chase, the boys make their ways home to prepare for the “fun” evening that’s about to come. Ginjiima stops by each of his teammates' houses, picking them up, as saving the Miyas for last. “Oh my god” Osamu lets out frustration as he watches Ginjima pull up, Atsumu is STILL getting dressed. “5-more minutes my ass” He mutters before going out and making his way to his friends’ car. Osamu short circuits, counting the seats in the car. “Gin- what kind of car is this?” “This baby right here?” He steps out of the car and slaps the top roof. “It’s my parents’ old 2002 toyota alphard.” He says proudly. “There’s so many seats holy fuck.” He says before heading in, making his way past Aran and Kita, sitting between Omimi and Suna all the way back. 

“Where’s piss hair?” Suna asks Osamu, buckling his seatbelt in. Ginjima made his way back inside as well. “Idk idc, hit it Ginjima.” The team lowkey lets out an internal sigh of relief. Ginjima starts the car and begins backing up before Atsumu comes running out in Osamu’s jacket. “WAITTTT” “NO GINJIMA GO!” Aran, Suna and Osamu yell. Ginjima not having the heart to leave his homie behind, stops the car. An audible grunt comes out of the boys. “Y’all be bullying me everyday :,( “ “Awh don’t say that, Omimi doesn’t” Omimi sitting there thinking. ‘No no I do, in my mind.’ 

“Whatever, let’s go!” Atsumu short circuits noticing the seats in the car as he opens the door. “Where.. Where am I gonna sit?” Ginjima turns around counting the seats, realizing he’s missing one more for the blonde. “Oh shit! I forgot to install the 8th seat, there's supposed to be one going in between Aran and Kita-san.” Atsumu blinks. “Well guess that means you can’t go.” Osamu bluntly lets out. “WHAAAAT” “Go on the roof.” Suna suggests. “NO NO DO NOT GO ON THE ROOF.” “WAIT I WANT THE ROOF!” “That’s a hazard and illegal” Ginjima, Akagi and Kita let out at the same time. “Why not just sit on the floor.” Omimi says. “It’s just going to be on the way there anyways.” “That’s a good point” Aran compliments. “That is also illegal.” “Shin just this once! Come on get in I’m getting hungry!” Akagi claps his hands and faces forward. Atsumu climbs in, and as he sits down he looks up behind him. Osamu sent a glare down towards his brother. “W-what?” “That’s MY jacket, isn’t it?” “NO IT’S NOT!” The poor blond is kicked forward by his brother. This is gonna be a long ride.

Wait. “Uh Gin.” “Yeah?” “Where are we going?” Gin pauses. “Where do you guys wanna go?” “Oh my god we really didn’t plan this through.” “MCDONALDS!!” “Oh! Good thinking Akagi-san.” “There’s a special with pokemon cards right?” “Ah, my younger brother loves collecting pokemon cards, I’ll be sure to get one for him.” Aran and Kita converse. “Turn and make a left on Kinugakecho Suma-Ward.” The team turns their heads to Suna. He then pans his phone to them, showing the address to the nearest McDonalds on google maps.

“8 happy meal boxes please.” Kita-san asks the cashier, he pays before seating with the others.

“Oh my god I’m so hungry.” Suna lays his head on the table “I’m so excited!!” Akagi jumps in his seat, “Thank you Kita-san” Ginjima thanks his captain. “You really didn’t have to pay for all of it, you should have at least split with me, it was my suggestion to go out and celebrate.” Aran signs laying his chin under his fist. “It’s no worries, it’s nice to treat my teammates out once in a while, even if I don’t condone this unhealthy diet. Just this once is okay.” Kita smiles and Omimi nods.

The food comes in and the 8 boys dig into their little happy meal boxes, in the style of pikachu. “Holy fuck these are so cute.” Suna be admiring the yellow box.“ ‘SAMU THAT WAS MY SWEET&SOUR SAUCE” “GROSS DON��T TALK WITH YOUR MOUTH FULL!” Osamu shoves Atsumu’s cheeseburger back in his mouth. Kita clears his throat and the twins silence. “We are in public please for once be decent.” Aran scolds.

After the meal, the boys sit in their booth content. “Omg guys, pokemon card unboxing haul lets go.” Akagi pulls out the little enveloped deck containing the cards, the other boys, besides Kita, follow. “You guys go ahead, I’m saving mine for my brother.” “Shinsuke” Omimi hands Kita the envelope. “He can have mines too.” Aran hands him over as well. “Yeah, I wouldn’t know what to do with it either, I’m sure your lil bro would love it.” Kita gives his two other seniors a sweet smile and thanks them. The five other boys begin to unwrap, and reveal each other the pokemon cards they got. “Yo can I have your Snorlax.” Suna leans into Osamu. “I’ll trade it for my packet of ketchup.” 

The boys head out, Ginjima dropping Omimi, Akagi, Aran and Kita off in that order. Atsumu lets out a whine before the three boys that are left face him. “I don’t want this night to end yet.” The three turn to look at each other before turning back to look at their setter. “Well what else do you wanna do?” “Can we just sit and vibe together, we bros anyways.” Ginjima blinks before asking Suna if he would like to do as said plan. “I mean sure, Suna?” “I don’t mind as long as it’s chill with you.” “Osamu?” “ ‘S your car. Plus whatever this idiot does, most of the time there’s not much of a say in my case” He replies. Ginjima pulls into an empty parking lot of a park. Suna has control of the aux, playing chill music. 

The moment feels really nice, just four high school bros, the homies, chilling and vibing at an empty parking lot, listening to Suna’s playlist, a bit past 9pm. These are one of the memories you will find to cherish after graduating high school.

Kodak Black’s “Heart & Mind” starts playing.

The four begin to sing to the song, yeah this is going to be one of those high school memories.

The three boys go quiet, letting Atsumu scream Plies’ chorus. Osamu whistles; “SHEEESH” Suna lets out a laugh. “He’s really feeling it” Ginjima joins in. Before the three begin to sing Kodak Black’s lines again. By the end of the song the boys fall into a pit of laughter.

--start of the actual atsumu x y/n part ToT i’m so sorry--

“Hey I wanted to tell you guys earlier, I think I’m ready to confess to y/n.” The setter admits, laying into the seat with a small smile. “They’re going to say no.” “‘SAMU!” “I’m kidding.” “Wow, never thought you’d have the balls.” Suna laughs with Osamu. “Did the song do this or?” Ginjima asks. “Quit ya teasin and hear me out! >:(“ Atsumu crosses his arms and pouts. “Okay okay sorry, but no seriously takes some guts. Have you thought of when you were going to confess to ‘em?” Osamu reassures his brother and asks.  Atsumu pauses and puts his finger under his chin in a thinking pose, before a light bulb clicks. “How about right now?!” He says excitedly. “Right now?” Suna does a lil double take. “Atsumu it’s-” Ginjima looks at the clock in his car. “9:37 right now. 9:37 PM. PM!” “They could be asleep.” Suna butts in. “No-no listen, LISTEN GUYS!” Atsumu quiets his friends down before explaining to them the whole cliche scenes in those American rom-com movies. “That sounds so fucking stupid. I’m in.”

And this is how the four boys end up, in front of your house. “This feels so creepy and illegal.” Osamu shivers, feeling a bit cold by the night weather. “I’m pretty sure this is illegal, throwing rocks at someone's window I mean.” Ginjima furrows his eyebrows. “Tsumu you sure about this.” “It nerf or nothing!” “I think you mean it’s now or never.” “Same thing!” He argues with his brother. Suna has his phone out, ready to record whatever the outcome of this stupid and last minute plan is. The four make their way past your yard, trying to find your light colored curtains, indicating it is in fact your room. “I’m surprised you know where their room is.” “Yet he doesn’t know the quadratic formula.” “ ‘samu!” He hisses before bending over to pick up a rock. “Hey ‘Samu, look how hard I can throw this rock.” This level of confidence did NOT sound good. Atsumu begins to count down before the three freeze up, Ginjima and Osamu letting the reality of the situation sink it. “Wait Atsumu-” “DUMBASS WAIT” Suna standing there unbothered, getting everything on camera before.

SHATTER

The four boys stand in shock, even Suna taken back by the loud sound of glass breaking. He pans the camera to Atsumu before panning up to the window of your room. The lights turn on and you make your way to the window, at first startled but now pissed being woken up, but also now absolutely confused and horrified by the broken glass that fell from your window to the ground below. “SHIT SHIT SHIT” Atsumu begins to book it, grabbing Ginjima and Osamu’s wrists, Suna following, phone still in hand recording. As you see four silhouettes begin to run in the dead of the night, you see a familiar piss shade of yellow and a maroon jacket as they run. The four jump into the car before Ginjima begins to start the engine. Before they drive off, Atsumu takes out the McDonald’s receipt, writing a quick apology and his number before taking out his wallet and throwing whatever cash he had, running back to your doorstep and placing it under your welcome mat. “GO GO GO GO.” He yells as he jumps into the car, the four speeding away. 

By the time you reach your front door in attempt to catch the perpetrators, you notice the wrapped up receipt under your welcome mat, pulling it out and unfolding it, revealing a couple 1 dollar bills and a single 5. Confused you read the note, the hand writing almost ineligible. 

“Y/N IM SO SORRY IT WAS AN ACCIDENT, WELL PURPOSELY PLANNED BUT STILL AN ACCIDENT. PLEASE CALL ME SO WE CAN TALK THIS OUT I JUST WANTED TO TELL YOU-” The rest of his writing ineligible. You look at the phone number he left and his signed signature, with a heart beside it.

“What the fuck.” 

Bonus:

Atsumu again bc he’s- I have no words for him (I love him so much but like its a diff kinda love ifkyky)

But imagine y/n having a brother and atsumu going to the wrong window

And busting a rock thru y/n-brother’s window

And the four just hear “WHAT THE FUCK” in a deep male voice that’s not urs, and the lights turn on and atsumu’s like-

He can feel the soul leaving his body

Bc that dumbass not only broke a window it wasnt even ur window

He dragged Gin out of the car and hit that pedal so hard leaving everyone but himself there on your lawn.

“Are you sure this is where their room is?” Ginjima asks worried. “This seems very very VERY dangerous and illegal.” “GIN! You’re startind to sound like Kita-san, relaaaax I know what I’m doin!” “Doesn’t sound like it” “‘SAMU!!” The twins bicker. 

“Actually, I’m heading back to my car this is making me a bit queasy.” The sand-brown haired boy said before turning back to his car. “Up to ya, be our getaway driver yeah?” Atsumu gives a thumbs up before the Ginjima nods and separates from the three, leaving them on their own.

 By the time they make their way to what Atsumu thought was your room. He’s already bending over picking up the biggest rock he sees“ ‘Samu, look how hard I can throw this rock!” 

“Tsumu don’t-” It was too late. The blonde sends the rock flying to the window. Just as the rock makes contact, the glass shatters and Atsumu is left there in shock, Osamu and Suna as well. 

A scream of “WHAT THE FUCK” in the deepest voice is heard emitting from the now open window. Now that can’t be y/n. 

The lights turn on and before the two knew it, Atsumu was already booking it back to the car. Suna recording the speed Atsumu was at. 

“Hey Atsumu, done already? Wheres-” The door to the driver's seat opens. Ginjima confused, he yelps when Atsumu grabs him and drags him out of the car, getting in and shutting the door before he starts up the engine. “W-WHAT?!” Ginjima stands confused before turning around to see Osamu and Suna run towards him. “GET BACK HERE.” The sound of your brother’s voice rings out and that was Atsumu’s queue to skrrrrt away. Leaving his three friends on your lawn. “TSUMU!” Good luck Gin, Suna and Osamu to deal with your now raging brother.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Extras: (IM CRACKING UP HELP) 😭

Author’s Note:

Guys I am so sorry I didn’t intend to let these fics drag out for so long, also for not making sense. ESPECIALLY ATSUMU’S. But thank you so much again for taking the time to read this, I really appreciate it even though my work is total shit like headass. If you have the time, please lemme kno what you think! I’d love to hear what you guys have to say! Anyways I hope you all take care and have a great time, stay safe! Hopefully my future work won’t be as shitty. I’ll work to it, thank you so so much again! MWAH I LOVE Y’ALL!!! 🥺💖

-

edit: rereading the first half of atsumu’s, i think i kno why i dragged that out, im just over here missing my high school homies a lil too much </3

[pepperminttegan]

5. 6. 11. 17. 24. 25. I expect long answers.

[i stg i wasn’t trying to be cheeky. apparently ctrl + enter is the same as hitting the post button]

most popular fic this year

It’s actually a tie between A Veil Over a Mirror and A Boh By Any Other Name. I’m pretty proud of both of those so seeing them at the top makes me happy. Both were written on a whim and are pretty short but it seems like the stuff off the cuff, from the heart, is what speaks to people the most in my style. Even better that one of them was for our Queen, Michelle Jones’, birthday.

least popular fic this year

The Most Distant Star. I didn’t post it but a few days ago so that’s fair. I’m sure it’ll get more attention when all three chapters are up at the end of the month. 

Of my completed fics this year, This Life Is Shining, is the least popular. I get it; there’s no romantic pairing, no Tony Stark (corporeal), and the transgender character is a focus but I really enjoyed writing it so not much else matters. Plus it let me dip my toe into writing a road trip fic and it turns out I enjoy that a lot.

fandom you enjoyed writing for the most this year

Well, I only published for various Spider-Men and for Silk but I also wrote quite a bit of (as yet unpublished) Harry Potter and Legend of Zelda fic. Even taking that into account, I absolutely had the most fun writing for the Spiders. Canon is so gd messy that the cracks are just bursting with potential. And when you mix it up (a la A Veil Over a Mirror), it gets really interesting. I love that there’s all these myriad iterations that we can mix and match and desecrate to our hearts’ content in the pursuit of putting stories into the world that make us feel powerful things. 

That’s without even mentioning the wonderful, creative, loving sub-fandom I’ve fallen into. They have 100% kept me interested by being so damn interesting themselves but also by encouraging me to find my own value in the media, to make what I want to see in the world. That means so much to me when I know that at times I’m making extremely niche content. 

fics you’ll continue next year

The Velvet Curtain is a strange thing for me. An AU of an (unpublished) AU, it spends a lot of time rattling around in the back of my head reminding me that it exists but doing nothing to evolve or advance. I want to continue it. I just need to find that spark for it again. A rewrite may be in order.

On the other hand, Powerful (With A Little Bit Of Tender) is hot in my mind right now. Partially bc @machiavelien tagged me in a post earlier that made me laugh and partially because the perfect song came on my Spotify while I was showering earlier and the loving angst is strong within me atm. What’s it like to want to trust the person who has tried so many times to kill you? And am I talking about Felicia or Cindy?  ¬‿¬

favorite fic you read this year

Oh god. Oh fuck. I’ve read so much... I-- I can’t pick just one.... 

Fuck it, I’m not!

Top of the list, Resilience and Other Heroes by @promiseofthepremise. This is a stunning, heart-wrenching, I-cried-ugly-tears fic about if Spidey and Co had survived the snap. It tore me apart and I hope you’ll give it the chance to rip you up too.

Next is my house of stone, your ivy grows by AppleJuiz. A short, canon adjacent series about our favorite duo coping post-blip. Or trying to anyway. AppleJuiz really nails how they’re just kids dealing with all this. Missing five years, too old and too young for this. 

And now we have Life Moves Fast (and Years Have Passed) by @spideyfic. This is, in my opinion, one of the ultimate meeting again after high school fics. The story may begin shortly before Peter and MJ cross paths again but you can immediately feel the weight and reality of the lives they lived in the interim. Learning about their lost loves, their aspirations, their lessons learned, draws me in so deeply that every present feels real enough to shake my hand.

Honorable mentions: 

Mr. & Ms. Jones by @machiavelien. All 33k words are worth it just for MJ’s badass final line. But it’s also an incredible and sexy assassin AU.

to sin with you in silence by @coykoii. Emotional cheating has never felt so tense. Ocean views and thin walls give way to a very cinematic feel.

what in carnation? by @i-lovethatforme. A love triangle between MJ, Spidey, and Peter but also a flowershop AU! This one makes me happy.

if there’s no neighborhood by @momentofmemory. A short, wordless conversation between Spidey and a pandemic-silenced New York City.

force of impact by @momentofmemory again. Peter has a panic attack on the plane back from London and MJ helps him through it.

Ripple Effect by @awakening5. A small change -- Peter going down to the pool in Hoco -- has big consequences as time goes on.

Rarely Pure and Never Simple by @seek--rest and @promiseofthepremise. Trauma recovery. It’s literally a little too real for me at times. Pace yourself.

pedestal by @befehlvonganzunten. The long road of mourning does not need to be traveled alone, as Michelle has to learn after her brother’s passing.

a fic you read this year you would recommend everyone read

A Year of Growth by @spiders-n​. A literal year in the life of Peter Parker as he tries his hardest to constantly be a better person than he was. Featuring the esteemed May-Pepper-Tony parental unit, MJ taking no shit from anyone (and that includes Peter), Spidey having one of the most intense heroic moments I’ve ever read (seriously.), and a truly sinister enemy.

[jay-and-dean]

Not in love

(Dean x Reader)

This is a request from @acklesterritory​ :

Hey Jay. I think you know me by now. You got me hooked on your last series fic and you know it. I just wish for a Dean x Reader fic where the reader is just like 8 or 9 younger than Dean and love him to the moon and back, can take bullets for him but still don't want to admit it even to herself bc she thinks 1. He deserves better 2.She's not good for him 3. She got honor & hates to beg for love.

Warnings : Angst, Swearing, Smut.

Words : 7.3k (I know...)

Note : I took the liberty to insist on the “she doesn’t want to admit it, even to herself” because I thought it was very interesting. I really hope you like it, and @acklesterritory​, I’m sorry it took so long <3

Want to read more => ***MASTERLIST***

___________________

           You look across the room searching for familiar faces. Hiding behind your glass of this cheap whiskey they gave you, your back on the wall, you sigh.

           Flannel everywhere. A room full of hunters, that’s rare and, well, loud. You love hunting, it is your life and unlike most people, you regret nothing about it, yes it can be gloomy and dirty, but it's a life of adventures, where almost everything is possible.

           But hunters…

           That’s different. Most of them are machos, rude, lout. They only talk about guns and you don’t really like guns, they are necessary but you would never act like them : like a stupid kid collecting toys. They keep saying they are humble people, bragging about how simply they live only this glass and their gun, owning nothing else... but the truth is they are conceited bastards ; narrating their feats on a loop. They live in violence and it rubs off on them, nothing stays pure about them, and alcohol makes them smelly and moronic... The one you met before at least.

           No, you never liked hunters. And they never really liked you.

           You don’t talk to them if you don’t have to. You really don’t need sexist comments, or behaviors close to harassment, like you suffered a few times, so you just act like they were all the same. Bang the hunter chick… A fantasy for most of them. But yet, you tried two or three of them along the years, and no thank you. Sweat smelling selfish boors.

           When they don’t try to convince you to suck their dirty cocks, they make fun of you for hunting, just because you don't look like the typical monster killer. In the best case, they ignore you.

           Of course, there are some exceptions, and you started to meet the good ones. Like Jody. Maybe it is because she’s a woman, maybe it is because she isn’t a hunter for long but you really love that woman. And the hunters she introduced you to were always the kindest and smartest.

           Your eyes find Sam. Sam Winchester himself. He’s the biggest exception ; how can a man so good be a hunter ? His soft face remembering you of the good times you had together, his friendship enlightening your days with trust and joy.

           He looks at you and winks, you wink back of course. It’s his way to tell you he is with you -he knows you don't like this kind of event- and your way to tell him you’re good.

             But, to be honest, the only man you really want to talk to is always the same : Big brave impressive Dean Winchester. The other exception.

When you first met him, you really thought he was just like all of them. The first thing that made you change your mind was his smell : Dean doesn’t smell like old sweat and rancor, but like some delicious manly sweet boy. His face of course too : the man is so handsome you’re still not sure how he is even human and there is no ounce of stupidity on his features…

But the childish laughs and the touching fear of not being enough to be loved, the bravery of his soul and the nobility of his heart are what made you change your mind for good. He let you into his life, into his house and heart like he does so generously, that’s when you decided you needed him in your own life and became a devoted friend.

You lost him when you arrived the hunter funeral of some douche -at least you decided he must have been a douche- you never knew, and your eyes never found him again after that. You hate that. It’s really weird that need of knowing where Dean is all the time.

At least here you’re pretty sure he’s not hitting on some girl… Almost sure. What if he was ? Your heart races and your stomach make knots.

Oh shut up Y/n… He’s an adult, he does what pleases him.

You sigh and hesitate to go looking for him. You’ve been avoiding everyone for an hour, you're bored, and now, you miss your best friend anyway.

Your best friend. Not only your best friend, but the best friend. A friend that makes you breakfast because he knows your laziness can make you skip it when it’s too early, that holds your hand during horror movies, a friend that lets you take selfies with him, even if that makes him grumpy, and on most of your photos, you’re annoying a frowning Dean.

In a deep inhale, you decide to throw yourself in the crowd, holding your head high, and wearing that cold look of yours, the one you wear when you really don't want people to feel like they can approach you.

You find a bottle and pour some whiskey in your almost empty glass, that's when you hear it : Dean's captivating laugh. Turning around, you catch sight of the man you were looking for.

He's standing in the kitchen doorframe with a beer in his hand. Form this angle, you can see his slightly pointy ears and smile without pointing your finger on what makes you beam each time you see his face.

You hesitate for a second, you want to join him but he's talking to two of the type of men that you usually avoid. When you decide to leave him and maybe go back to your calm place next to the stairs, he turns his head to look at you, like one of the men had told him you were staring, and he smiles quietly.

"Y/n !" he calls you from across the room, making your heart beat a little faster.

He raises an arm and invites you to join them with his hand. After a short hesitation, you walk toward him. And as he always does, he welcomes you by wrapping his arm around your shoulders protectively.

"This is Y/n, she's the one who killed the freaking Kraken" he introduces you with a large grin, and for a second, you're mesmerized by the strength emanating from him. "Y/n, this is Leroy, and Mike."

The two men greet you and Mike eyes you from head to toe.

"I didn't know the famous Dean Winchester had a girlfriend" he says, and you know exactly what he's doing. This is not an innocent question, it's a territory question, but you’re not a property.

"Huh ? No she's not my girlfriend..." Dean starts and you roll your eyes.

Mikes downright laughs and you feel a needle going through your heart. What is so funny ? Thinking that a man like Dean could like you ? That a man like him would settle down ? Does he laugh because he thinks you're available ?...

"What's so funny, Mike ?" you snap sternly, making him stop right away.

Dean turns his gaze on you with that look again. A look you've seen a few times lately, but you can't read at all, like he needed to understand you, his deep green eyes searching your face. Something unreadable between confused and sure, between tender and angry... Puzzling.

You push Dean's arm and sigh, why is he acting like this anyway ? You take a sip of your drink and glimpse another unreadable look between the three men. Jeez you hate this kind of moments... Before Dean can say anything, Jody calls you and you take a deep relieved breath.

"Excuse me Deanie... Dean" you correct yourself. The last things you want is to give them anything else to talk about or to embarrass your friend.

"Tell me when you want me to drive you home" he says in a kind smile.

"Just... enjoy the... funeral" you say realizing how weird it sounds, but you know Dean doesn't have much occasions to meet other hunters.

After a smile, and a friendly touch of his arm, you leave, a little sad that you have to share him all the time, missing the days you had just the two of you last month, when Sam went on a "hunt" alone with Eileen.

The best days of your entire life... The first two days, you drank and played all the games Dean knows : pool, poker, some gambling in shady clubs, drinking games with the money you made... It was the first time you actually were drunk for 48 hours straight. The days after, you both just stayed at home, cooking for each other, watching lame movies in the Fortress of Deanitude, falling asleep close to each other like puppies... But after that, the weird look on his face appeared.

"Y/n" Jody puts a hand on your shoulder. "I was wondering where you were, I know you don't really like those kind of... event" she says kindly, filling up your glass. "But, hey... I should have known, of course you were with Dean" you really don't like the smile that appeared on her face.

"What does that mean ?" you frown.

"I mean... Dean and you" her smile won't fade despite the stern look on your face. "Come on !" she says a little annoyed now.

"Dean and I are friends" you state, your voice a little lower than usual.

"Yeah but..." she looks confused now. "Y/n... You like Dean, everyone in this room can see it, I mean it's written all over your face whenever he's in the room, and it’s… It’s cute, don’t…"

Your throat becomes tighter, and you can feel your palms sweat so you cut her.

"I don't" you turn to look at him and catch him looking back. "You're mistaking Jody. Dean is my best friend. He's not into relationships, and I'm not either."

"Yeah..." she nods. "Okay, I'm sorry Y/n. Just... Sam thought..."

"Sam !" you cut her. "You talked about this with Sammy ? Am I the only one not aware that I like Dean now ?"

"Y/n..." Jody tries when you rub your face with both hands.

But you leave. In an attempt to hide the anger raging inside of you, you mutter something about going to the bathroom before walking to the stairs.

 ***

 Loving Dean... No she said liking Dean but whatever, that's stupid. Dean is... It would be like loving the Sun, it just doesn’t make sense. And you're not a desperate teenager, good thing you don't love, no like, Dean, because you wouldn't even tell him anyway.

You find the bathroom and sit on the edge of the bathtub. What did Sam say to Jody ? What did he say to Dean ? At this thought your breath shakes.

"Y/n ?" Sam's voice calls you through the door. "Can I come in ?"

"What if I say no ?" you mutter and he enters.

His too tall frame takes all the tiny room all of sudden, and looking at him from so low doesn't help, but he squats to face you.

"Are you okay ?" he asks with too much caution and it makes you roll your eyes.

"Why wouldn't I be ? I just needed space for a second, Sam.”

"From Jody ?"

You sigh, not knowing what to answer to that.

"Yeah I know you...” he continues. “You don't run to hide in bathroom when everything is okay" he searches your face.

"I didn't run" you protest kindly. Seeing he won't stop looking for answers in your eyes, you just shrug. "She said something... It's not her fault."

"Was it about Dean ?"

"Wh-... What do you all have with Dean ?" you protest but your next words get stuck in your throat when the man you're talking about is standing right behind Sam.

"Sam" he says and his brother just gets up, like he had nothing more to say to make him leave the two of you alone.

Sam touches your shoulder like you had been through something lately and walks away. When he's out, Dean closes the door and sits next to you on the bathtub in a little grunt, his thigh against yours.

"I told Sammy to let you alone, but you know him, he never listens to me" he gives you a corner smile. "He thought something was bothering you..."

"Nothing is bothering me" you say.

"That's what I told him, because I know when you need your space, you really want to be alone... But I also know you have something on your mind" his hand finds your leg.

Why does he do that ? Now Jody put those things on your mind, you are aware of every one of his gesture. Does he think you lo-like him too ? Is he trying to seduce you ? To sleep with you maybe... Is it his fault you can't take him off of your mind ? Did he somehow, put ideas in your head too ?

It’s true that lately, he’s been closer to you. He’s attentive and sweet, somehow, he acts like you two shared a bond the others don’t understand ; but do you ? That time you got out of the cinema together, he had this weird pause, was he trying to ask you something ? Dean and you are really good friends, and for a long time, you noticed opening up to him is easier than with other people. And it's both ways. You’re the only one Dean talked about Mary for example, when she came back, when she left them, when she died… Again.

Maybe people are just mistaking a perfectly good friendship with flirting. Why does that makes you that angry ? Maybe because the idea of Dean and you together is just insane : He’s Dean Winchester, if he ever chose to be in a relationship, it will be with someone worth it…

You look at his hand and realize your lips made a thin line. You remember falling asleep next to him to wake up in his arms, you never really thought of that, it was just natural, but do friends do that ? He has to stop making this friendship weird. And that unreadable look…

"What did Jody say, I saw your face change" he gives you his drink, for you to take a sip of it.

You can't tell him.

“Nothing special, she was kind as usual” you just shrug.

“Yeah, she is, that doesn’t prevent her to be clumsy… Was it about your dad ?” he asks.

Your lips forms a corner smile, he’s the first one to not bring up… well… himself.

           Dean is the only one you talked about your dad in details. He was a hunter, a weird kind of hunter : he only went after demons, with books and exorcisms, you don’t think he ever touched a gun or knife, with his glasses and skin frame. He looked more like an exorcist from what you recall, and he had a regular job too, at the museum. You never really asked how he acknowledge demons, but you always imagined him finding books and ancient spells all alone at night in the museum library… Like in movies. He was quite a joke among hunters, despite the amount of successful exorcisms he proceeded. He died when you were seven anyway, and your life went down closer to Hell since then. Until you met Dean… and Sam.

“I know you’re uncomfortable around hunters, and that one or two of them made fun of your father…” Dean continues.

“It wasn’t about my dad” you just say, wanting to rest your head on his shoulder like you often do, but not daring this time.

“Okay… Was it about me ?”

You frown : not him !

“Why would that be about you Deanie ?” You put on your mocking smile. “Not everything is about you.”

“You were saying something about me when I came in.”

Your smile dies and you look down. He’s Dean, you never lied to him.

“Jody just said we were always together…”

“And ?” he asks, obviously having no idea how that could bother you.

“Like it was, I don’t know, fishy…” you complete your sentence.

He grins and bumps your leg with his.

“Does she think we’re having sex and stuff ?” he wiggles his eyebrows, which usually makes you laugh but this time his words hurt your guts.

“That’s ridiculous” you sigh.

“Is it ?” Dean just pouts making your blood boil.

“Wh- You’re… Jesus Dean !” You get up to free your thigh from his warmth. “You’re incredible !”

“In the good way ?” he cautiously asks making you groan. “Oh…no, bad way.”

He gets up, trying to take your hand, but you put both of them under your back.

“Why do you act like that ?” he frowns.

“Why do you act like that !”

“What ? I act as usual !” his eyes search yours.

You don’t answer, and look down. What can you tell him ? Do you really want him to back off ? Probably not.

“I’ll take you home” he says.

“No. No, Dean, I’m okay, really, go talk to people, I’ll take another drink and…”

“I don’t like it here either” he cuts you. “I don’t fit here, and people don’t stop asking me about the Demon part of my life, I don’t know how they heard that… Or Hell, Purgatory. I feel like… I don’t know… People admire me for Hell, but I…”

“Yes” you just say, knowing he’s talking about him torturing souls, about the fact that he will never forgive himself for saying yes to Alistair.

“And they think the Demon thing is funny” he chuckles to hide the pain. “The worse is, I know at some point I would have like them, but now, after all that…I don’t know, I just don’t fit in.”

“I’m sorry” you say, finally reaching his hand, you know Dean really don’t like people reminding him about those days. You sigh, the idea of him hurt way more unbearable than the touches you want to avoid. “Two hours drive, we still can watch a movie when we’re home.”

“I’ll take my jacket” he smiles, putting his hand on your back to lead you outside.

           He got you just like that. You were determined to stop being so close to him, and just with a heartbreaking word, he got you asking for more…

           You go down the stairs just before him, trying to swallow the pain in your throat, what is this freaking pain anyway ? Your best friend is awesome, nothing sucks about it, and people can think what they want.

“My my… Dean Winchester and his “not girlfriend” coming out of the bathroom where they locked themselves together” Mike says and Leroy laughs along with a few other guys.

Before you can think, you take three quick steps toward him and punch him, triggering a chain reaction : He is taken aback but his friends take a threatening step toward you. Dean pushes you back to place himself in front of you. Silence falls, and Sam appears on your side.

“Are you crazy !” Leroy yells, checking his friend’s bleeding lip. “It was just a joke !”

“Maybe she’s just tired of your jokes” Dean states, annoying Mike who’s already furious with pain and humiliation.

“Keep your bitch on a leash, Winchester” he spits but Dean’s fist makes him fall on his butt this time.

“Dean !” you call, afraid he will go to a fight.

“STOP !” Sam shouts. “This is funeral, let’s cool down. We’re leaving… We’re leaving” he repeats with his hands open at shoulder height. “Dean. Now.”

           Dean grabs your arm and follows Sam outside, his face his stern and you can’t read how much he’s mad at you. He opens the door to you, and you sit in the backseat with your heart in the back of your throat, it was your turn to be shotgun.

           You wipe the few tears that overflow your defenses in your sleeves during the ride, trying not to think too much about how it hurts to know he’s mad at you, trying to keep your thoughts logical, and not indulge in stupid fantasies.

           Sam tried to talk about the event but Dean just cut him with a grunt that means shut up, put some music, and focused on the road.

 ***

             By the time Dean’s precious car enters the garage, you’re still not sure what to think, and what to do. You look at him in the rear-view mirror, but there is nothing you can read, his bright eyes are lost in front of him.

           When the engine stops, you get out of the car in a sigh, looking at your hurt hand. You know you shouldn’t have reacted like that, but to be honest, you really have no control of your emotions lately.

           Dean just walks out of the garage without a word, that’s when you realize he’s not just pissed, but furious. Your stomach contracts in pain and fear. The idea of Dean, your Dean, that man you would die for, being angry at you, thinking bad things about you, it makes you nauseous.

What if you had lost him ? In the bathroom, you were hard on him but he was so sweet, he always is with you… Now you obviously crossed a line, and you don’t even know which one.

You don’t even remember why you were so hard on him… Oh yes, because he’s too friendly, too close.

What kind of reason is it ?

           Sam waits for you, forbidding you to finally cry like you desperately need to.

“Y/n…”

“I know, I’m sorry Sam” you sigh, trying to escape a talk you really don’t want to have.

“Just talk to Dean…”

You let out a dark chuckle.

“No, Sam. I’ll just let him alone, he’s obviously mad at me.”

“You know Dean practically as much as I do… You know he’s hurt” Sam says and it’s like a punch in your heart.

Why would he be hurt ? Nothing makes sense. Maybe after he told you how rough the night was for him, he hoped that you would just be here for him, and not make a scene… Dean doesn’t open up often, but when he does, he needs you to be there.

           Maybe Sam is right, it’s time to make things about him, and not you. You could die for him, you could go to Hell for him… So you can face his anger.

 ***

           Entering your room, you sigh. Thinking of Jody’s words, you rub your face.

           His bathrobe is on your bed from the las time you wore it, just before you left for the funeral. Now you think of it, you always wear it.

One of his t-shirt is there too, and another on the chair, you know there are at least three others on your closet… How did you end up with half Dean’s clothes in your bedroom ? Oh, right, it’s because you’re always in his room, and change here when you decide to stay for the night after the third movie ended and he fell asleep during it.

           You look around. When you hanged this photo of him on your wall, you managed to convince yourself that it was to annoy him, because he doesn’t like it : he was sleepy and makes a weird face on it. But he got used to it, and you never removed it from your wall. That seems weird now.

           And this little bowl on your desk… Looking at it, you realize it is filled with only Dean : Theater tickets from when he invited you to watch Star Wars, the button that got ripped from his flannel and that you never fixed, an identity picture you stole from the last fake idea he made…

           You have an old tape player here, you bought it when he made you one, with songs he thought you would like, and your Ipod is abandoned on the side of it since then…

           Everything you have here is linked to Dean. Maybe you have to admit he’s way more important than you think, maybe you missed something.

           You sigh again, he deserves better. You owe him an explanation, and if he’s angry, you’ll listen to him anyway. He’s Dean, and he’s everything to you. It’s impossible to explain, but you can’t let him be hurt if he is.

 ***

             You knock, waiting with apprehension. Thinking maybe he will grunt, yell, ignore you. But he just opens the door with a stern face, staying in the door frame. You’re not welcome, and that alone hurts.

“What do you want Y/n ?” he asks harshly.

Your blood run colds, you search his beautiful green eyes, but he closed the gate to his soul.

“I’m sorry for… you know making a scene.”

“It’s okay” he states, starting to close the door.

“Dean, wait…” you half panic, but when he turns toward you again, you have no idea what to say. “Dean…”

“I know my name” he says.

And his ice-cold words make you mute. You look down.

“Sorry” you mutter.

“The last t-shirt you took is one I like, please bring my robe when you give it back” he adds, closing the door.

 ***

             Your tears fall on the t-shirt in your hands, you did lose him for good. But why ? How did you manage to screw the only thing that matters ?

           Dean is not unfair, so there is a reason he’s furious. But in the din of your heart breaking, you can’t think clearly. Maybe he realized your friendship wasn’t healthy, but why did he agreed to watch movies back in the bathroom ? Maybe he guessed you love, no, like him…

           You sniff in the t-shirt, his smell somehow calming you. You already miss him so bad it hurts, living without this friendship will be close to Hell…

           But you deserve what’s happening, or –better- you never deserved him. It’s Dean freaking Winchester, this man is a diamond soul wrapped in a masterpiece body, more precious than the stars… And he gave you his friendship. What did you do to thank him ? Reject his touch, embarrass him, and involve him to a fight for nothing.

 ***

             You put the neatly folded t-shirts and bathrobe next to him on the kitchen table, trying to avoid looking at him so he doesn’t notice your eyes are red from crying all night.

“Hi, thank you” he says, taking a sip of his coffee.

“Sorry for keeping them” you mutter, still hoping a little that he will add something, maybe even something nice, but his mouth stays shut.

             His mouth stays shut all day.

           Walking in the too big bunker, you try not to cry again. It’s silent, you don’t dare playing music like you sometimes do, or going to the Dean-cave to watch a movie ; what movie anyway ? The only ones you said you would watch, you want to do with Dean. You can’t focus on reading and you already checked social media twice, not interesting, he is not on it…

           You miss him. You miss him like crazy, and your heart weights two hundred pounds. You will be erased easily, Dean lost people so dear to him, get rid of a bad friend shouldn’t be a problem. That’s at least some consolation : you hurt him but it won’t last. For you in the other hand… It’s like there has been no sunrise today, like night never stopped. You saw the daylight outside, but it didn’t reach you at all.

And when night falls for real, sadness invites a friend of his : fear wraps its ice hands around your neck, whispering in your ear : What if he went out ?

           Dean going out was never an idea you liked, because you’re possessive maybe, and like to have him spending evenings with you. You fought that idea with all your strength because it was just a childish whim, but it never faded. So you always made sure he had something funnier to do at home, and it worked almost each time.

           But now he’s mad, you suddenly feel the anxiety sharpen its blade. And a new thought hatches in your head…

The idea of him making love to someone terrifies you.

Why ?

… Because you are in love with him.

I love him so much…

             Your head falls loudly on the kitchen table and you whine at the screams of your heart. It hurts, it hurts more than a demon punch, more than a monster breaking your bones, more than losing your family… more than anything.

           Loving Dean… You don’t even deserve to feel this way about him. You will never be anything close to good enough for him.

Stupid.

           A noise makes you lift your eyes shyly off the table and the fear and the sadness tighten their grip on your throat.

Dean is here.

           He finally got out of his bedroom to eat something, opening the fridge, he doesn’t look at you.

“Did you eat something today Y/n ?” he asks, his body mostly hidden by the big door.

“Y-yes” you try to lie, but your voice breaks and he closes the door to finally look at you.

He searches your face, but when you feel tears threatening to soak your cheeks, you look down and put your hand on your forehead to hide, pretending you’re just resting your head on your fingers.

“I’m sorry” he states in a sigh, like he knew for sure he was the one making you cry… Like he did it on purpose.

“You did nothing wrong” you whisper, knowing your voice will betray you again.

He sighs deeply, staying there, in the middle of the kitchen, and you pray he will just leave soon to his room, because holding back the tears is becoming impossible. But he stays here, you can feel his presence even if you don’t see him, and hear his breathing in the deadly silence.

           After a very long minute, you clear your voice a little and lift your head, unable to hide the pained frown on your face.

“It’s okay, Dean, you don’t have to stay here, I just… I just have a headache” you lie.

Usually, you would talk to him, he has always been your best friend, but right now what can you say ?

I love you…

That’s insane.

“Listen…” he starts low, rubbing his face. “We can’t… We can’t go on like this.” His words are like broken glass in your ears, you don’t even know what he is talking about. “I will… I will leave for a few days, weeks… I…”

“What !” You can’t hide the panic, anger slowly replacing sadness in your chest.

“It will be better for the two of us” he states, hurt all over his perfect face.

But nothing can be better without him, you already didn’t bear him being away when you didn’t acknowledge your love for him…

“Better ?” you almost snarl. “What is this even about Dean ?” You get up, feeling your blood boil as you lean on the table with both hands. “I’m sorry I made a scene but… What the… Why the hell are you so mad at me !”

“I’m mad because you find it so repulsive to be with me, that you punch people who insinuates it !” he raises his voice now, his right hand open toward you, the gesture he has when he’s about to consume with anger.

Your eyes widen.

“What ?”

“You know what I’m talking about Y/n ! You…” he looks at the ceiling biting his lower lip, like he was weighting his words. “What is the problem with Jody saying we are always together ? Huh ? WE ARE !”

When he finally yells, you close your eyes hard, like when someone hits you, and the tears you’ve been so cautiously holding back fall heavily on your cheeks. But he doesn’t stop, pointing his finger at you.

“What is the problem with people thinking we are together Y/n ! We… We fucking act like we were for months ! Now you know how terrified I am by what we have, you know me ! You know everything Y/n ! I told you fucking everything ! GAVE you everything !”

Tears appear in his eyes and he takes a deep breath, wiping his cheeks with one hand.

“Just… Make up your mind” he says low, anger suddenly vanished from his voice to leave there just sadness. “I-if you’re so repulsed by the idea of being… I… You can’t look at me like I was your future, then lock yourself in a bathroom because people noticed.”

“Dean…” you have no other words.

“Sammy keeps joking about me being so slow to make a move…” he lets out a dark chuckle then shakes his head. “I have no idea what you want from me… I have nothing left to give you. I… I try to read you, but…” a big unique tear falls from his eyes again.

“I think I love you” you bite your lip at what just escaped it.

“Well until you know…” he whispers like that wasn’t a scoop, making you gasp. “I can’t go on like this.”

He turns to leave but you run after him, unable to let him leave you like that, still stunned by his words.

“Dean ! I do… I do” you sob. “I’m sure !”

You grab his shoulders and stand before him, searching his face for a moment before letting your head fall on his chest to sob, like you’ve been dreaming of all day.

“I’m sorry… I do… I love you like crazy…”

He puts a hand on your neck and you feel his chest shake a little, like he was holding back a sob or a scream. He smells so good…

           And you both stay here for a moment, you’re unable to look up, terrified by what you could see in his eyes, trying to proceed what he just said, what it means… You’re playing memories in your head, and it’s like you saw them with light for the first time… Dean wanted to kiss you this night after the movie, when he took your hand in his on your way to the car… He wanted to kiss you.

           You take a deep breath and look up, immediately finding his piercing green eyes staring back at you. And, gathering your courage, you lift your body on your tip toes, shyly putting your lips on his.

           You didn’t know you were craving for it so much.

When he bends his head slightly to crush his plumb lips on yours, you heart skips a beat, and a new fire burst inside you. He cups your face, nibbling at your lower lip with his tongue joining his teeth. You take a shaky breath, your lips parting slowly.

You can feel anger still irradiating of him, his hands roughly grabbing the side of your face to deepen the kiss. His tongue is conquering, his fingers could bruise you.

“I know you’re a proud woman, and… I really like this about you” he almost groans between burning kisses. “But this was…”

He doesn’t finish, lifting your thighs strongly to wrap them around his waist. Your fingers are in his hair and you let his smell invade your every thoughts.

           Will you really make love to your best friend ? Will you really welcome him between your legs ? Let him sink inside you… Your stomach shake, and you a burning feeling strikes your core powerfully, your inner walls clench.

“Dean… I want you” you let out in a moan, the only feeling of his body keeping your legs open making you see stars.

           He starts walking, somehow managing to hold you and kiss you, his hands digging in your ass cheeks, and the delicious steady dance of his footsteps making your crotch brush his lower stomach.

           When he enters his bedroom, closing it with his foot behind him, you put your forehead on his, pushing it back slightly to make him look up and reach his lips. His unbelievably soft lips.

           He throws you on his bed, managing to place you in the middle of it, before he crawls on top of you.

           Dean, your Dean… crawling up between your legs, his lips swollen by your kisses, and his eyes devouring you. You never felt anything more intense. Tears fill your eyes : Sex, you know, but love ? You weren’t even that nervous on your first time.

           His lips reach your neck, he kisses, licks, nibbles at your collarbone and jaw. He’s feasting. And you want to explore this body you love so much, but your hands are glued to his head for now, unable to really realize that this man laying between your legs is actually Dean.

“Those evenings with you…” he full on groans now. “Those nights having you close, smelling you…” he’s opening his belt, his delicious mouth still on your shivering skin.

“I…” you know you have to say something, but everything that comes to your mind seems dumb. “I wanted you to touch me… But you…”

He sits on his ankles to take off his flannel and shirt, and your words are lost.

           Throwing it across the room, he let his body fall on yours again, only keeping his weight from crushing you with a hand next to your face.

“But I ?” he asks when your shy palms finally dare to explore his chest.

“But you…” it’s your turn to kiss his neck now, stealing a moan from him. At this sound you feel another earthquake down your core. “You’re Dean…” you pant. “You’re Dean freaking Winchester.”

“What does that even mean” he groans low.

But he lifts your shirt, and you feel like a virgin, your shaking hands helping him to get you out of your close. You lose your voice, unable to tell him what it means exactly, to tell him how impressive he is, how brave, how heroic, how beautiful… To tell him how ridiculous the idea of him wanting you seemed, how he deserves the world, how scared you were to love him…

           It’s not your body that makes you shy : he knows it already. Those scars, he saw them when they were still held by stiches, the little fat around your belly, he held it so often in his hands, during fight, while patching you up, during your nights in his arms… What makes you shy is that need, that hunger irradiating of him, your craving for that intimacy with the man you love.

           You close your eyes a second, just to bath your senses in his touches, in his smell ; and when you open it again, he’s tugging at your pants.

           You gasp when your panties roll down with it.

           You gasp when his teeth nibble at your inner thighs.

           You gasp again when he kisses your folds.

“Dean !” you cry out.

He hums, his tongue tasting you softly and your eyes roll inside your skull.

“Finally” he mutters before another lick, surer, more firm. “Finally.”

           You once read that sexual pleasure was strongly increased when love was involved, it left you wondering, you never knew love after all…

           Now you’re already shaking, trying to hold back the jerks of your hips, while Dean is soaking his mouth and chin on you, his tongue and lips sharing your clit.

“Dean !” you grab the sheets, looking down at him.

           But before you can fall of the edge, he crawls up your body again, kissing you fiercely, making you taste yourself on his lips. You never tasted yourself… And you blush at how much you like it.

           One of his hand grabs your thigh strongly to keep it up on his hip, and the other finds your hand.

           Staring deep in your eyes, he intertwines his fingers with yours, an expression of awe on his features. You can’t stop staring at him, at how that fearless warrior is now gentle. Dean needs love, he needs touches and he craves for that tenderness he barely received in his oh so dark life.

“I love you” you whisper.

“I love you” he answers with his lips grazing yours, and your heart grows the size of the galaxy.

           The hand holding your thigh let go for a moment to slip between you, and the motion itself rekindles that coil in your belly.

“Shit…” he groans, letting his head fall on your shoulder.

“Dean ?”

“I don’t have a condom…”

“Shit !” your voice echoes him. “I… I’m on birth control and I’m very clean… You ?”

“I am too but if you don’t want to…”

“I want !” you answer a little too quick. “I… I really need you.”

           He lifts your head, a tender smile on his face.

“Oh now you need me ?”

Before you can say anything, the tip of his cock teases your entrance and you gasp, clinging to his back, your finger enjoying the firm moves of his muscles. He pushes in slowly, shallowly thrusting, letting your body time to adjust him inch by inch… It’s already so much, and your head digs in the pillow in shaky moans.

“Fuck…” he whines.

           After another minute of grinding softly, of kisses on your open mouth, of whispered curses, he bottoms out.

           In a loud moan, your hands grab his ass but meet his jeans, still up on half of it, so they roam the curve of his lower back, and the sensual dance of it. He’s there, on you, in you, and you can feel everything. His chest becomes sticky from sweat, and drag your hard nipples in the slightly up and down movements of it.

           He’s making love to you. Dean. Your Dean. His moans in your ear, his fingers squeezing yours, his cock twitching inside of you…

           You let your knees fall apart from each other, enjoying the weight of the man you love caging you with his huge body. And you lose control…

           You cry out and he groans in return, starting to thrust stronger, faster. Your walls are fluttering hard, your whole body burns… And you come in a strangled gasp, both losing track of the world completely, and perfectly aware of his gasps, and the ropes of cum coating the deepest parts of you.

“Y/n !” he groans in your neck, his hips still grinding on yours.

           It is true : Sex is really different when love is involved.

           He stays here for a minute, his body slowly stilling, panting hidden in your neck, your loving hands in his sweaty hair, softening inside you like he didn’t want to leave, ever, and almost crushing you…

           After a while, he finally move, probably earing your breathing whistle a little, and lays on his side, facing you, an arm still wrapped around you.

“People will talk about us” he says low.

“I don’t care…” you smile, your guilt probably visible on it.

“Now you don’t care that people know ?” he chuckles softly, pushing a strand of your hair out of your face.

“I was the one that wasn’t ready to know… I am now. I am in love with you.”

He pecks your lips.

“And I am with you, now, please… will you stay tonight ?”

“Yes.”

“Forever ?”

“Sure.”

_____________________________

***FEEDBACK IS GOLD***

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[just-zenitsu]

Hello do you have any Zenistu-centric fic recs bls I am starving

heh

yes

(but it’s under read more bc this got out of hand) (also none of these are shippy, but if u want some of those fics yall can just send an ask for that )

Follow Me [Multi-chap, Inc] 

When the only people Zenitsu considers family are killed off by an upper moon. It leaves the scared boy all alone in a dangerous world, or well, that is until a pillar finds him and tries in his own awkward ways to train him for the final selection.

Or, In which Obanai doesn't want to but still somehow ends up taking Zenitsu under his wing

The Sound Before the Strike [One-shot]

Before Zenitsu ever was the unlikeliest survivor of the Final Selection, he was an accidental student.

Pre-manga, slight spoiler at the end.

This Time It’ll Work [Multi-chap, Inc]

Zenitsu Agatsuma will try again, for the gods didn’t give a second chance for no reason. So this time, he’ll aid them— he’ll save them. As best as he can.

Prodigal Song [Multi-chap, Inc]

"He's active again. He's on a mission, but reluctantly."

Zenitsu's latest assignment sends him right back to where he started. Of all the markets for a demon to prowl, it just had to pick his hometown.

It figures.

(Takes place just before Chapter 100, following the entertainment district arc.)

You Slot Right Into My Life [Multi-chap, Complete]

The Journey of Zenitsu and how he managed, without trying, to win over Obanai Iguro, and become the snake Pillar's unofficial baby brother.

Overwhelming [One-shot]

Zenitsu wasn't sure why but the sound that came from her was concerning.

golden [One-shot]

zenitsu's sword is golden.

and so is he.

Electrolysis [One-shot]

Zenitsu loves girls. He loves their voices, loves their faces, loves their pretty clothes and the ornaments they put in their hair. Girls are amazing, in a way boys can't be, in a way he will simply never be.

A Good Hearing (But A Better Sight) [Multi-chap, Inc]

As a matter of fact, Zenitsu didn't want that "gift" or whatever that was, because ghosts were loud and hurt his ears and he had enough problems as it was.

But we don't get to choose what we can and cannot see, and Zenitsu sees and hears a lot of things. Way too much, if you ask him.

night knuckles [Multi-chap, Inc]

Besides his tendencies to scream and complain about missions to no end- there was another condition that led him to the unending questions of whether the world wanted him dead or alive for yet another day of suffering.

He had a certain kind of ‘illness’ on where he just, loses consciousness- he falls asleep.

((the ones below here arent zenitsu-centric but they feat. him and i just think they’re neat))

Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day [Multi-chap, Complete]

Sanemi gets hit by a car, and is reminded that he is surrounded by idiots.

Perseverance [One-shot]

Murata is plain normal. He does his job, does what he can, and does it well. He wants to live a life he can be proud of, as a man and as a Demon Slayer. If he falls, he gets up and starts working again. If the mission requires him to work in a team with the most annoying person he's ever met, he will. Because Murata just wants to do what he can, and do it well. That's all. (If Agatsuma could stop whining for a second though, that would be great.)

Something Old (Something Beautiful) [One-shot(?)]

Agatsuma Yoshiteru is fascinated by his great-grandfather's writing. There's something about it, telling him it's important.

He just has to figure it out.

Feeling Blue [One-shot]

There was only one time her family ever spoke at the dining table, and it wasn't a good one.

In which a life-altering event leaves a girl grasping for some semblance of stability, and others take notice.

The Cat Song [One-shot that’s a part of a series]

“I’ve been thinking about cats.” Zenitsu says pensively.

“What about your midterm?” Tanjirou asks, defeatedly.

“I’ve been thinking about cats.” Zenitsu repeats, just a tad louder this time as he sits up, “Specifically about their paws.”

Tanjirou blinks. Then he shifts in his seat and faces Zenitsu. Learning through osmosis can wait for this conversation to be over. “Their paws.”

————————————

Otherwise known as: Tanjirou and Zenitsu procrastinate studying for midterms by discussing the very important subject that is a cat’s toe beans. They’re dorks and probably ooc but we die like men.

Stylish Stuffy Democracy Collective [One-shot]

"We are Stylish Stuffy Democracy and we're here to blow your mind with our wickedly explosive sound! Prepare to be brought to tears!" "Wait, are we allowed to actually say that? Isn't that too aggressive?"

Tengen groans. This is an actual mistake.

(or: Uzui Tengen is a jaded art teacher who just wants to feel like himself again and thinks starting a music club slash school band will help.)

(me adding the fics below: kaigaku may have some rights, as a lil treat)

Cyanide At The Center Of A Peach [One-shot]

In another life, after killing a Lower Moon and establishing himself as the sole survivor of a terrible massacre, Kaigaku became a Hashira. This... does not change much.

In which grandfathers plot, crybabys cry, and one poisonous man's headache gets worse and worse.

breath of reincarnation [Multi-chap, Inc]

It was as Kaigaku closed his eyes for the final time that he lamented how pitiful his life was. Then he opened them again and realized that he found himself in his old master's house as if nothing had happened.

Alternatively named: Kaigaku is reincarnated and he accidentally changes a lot of things without meaning to.

Zero Sum [Multi-chap, Complete]

“Can you get the hell on with it? I swear to god, if you’re just calling to waste my - ”

“It’s Gramps.”

The rest of his threat dies in the back of his throat. A weird sort of buzzing noise fills his ears, and he’s suddenly, so awfully, aware of his own heartbeat.

Modern AU Thunder Family fic where Kaigaku comes home and maybe learns how to be part of a social unit.

---

annnnddd that’s all, i would’ve fukin, GUSHED about each one of these fics, believe me, but that would’ve taken too long, and anyways PLEASE give love to these authors by leaving kudos to their works, they honestly deserve it!!!! (except for that one fic that was written by me that i discreetly added in here lol, that one can choke)

[ivanaskye]

WoT Reactions: Book 7, A Crown of Swords

Almost halfway through the series, and a lot is happening. Well, except for the parts where it takes forever for something to happen... while a bunch of other things happen. I think this is starting to hit the part of the series that many fans say is poorly-paced, and I can kind of see why...

That’s not why it took a while for me to finish this one tho, that’s mostly because I was visiting family for the holidays.

One of the main themes of this book is the many, many ways in which the Aes Sedai have horribly mismanaged basically everything due to being too strict (read: abusive) as well as too distrustful of each other. Which means that it turns out that there’s ALMOST TWO THOUSAND women trained by them who they’ve kicked out, which is literally more than the people they haven’t. Also some of them are older than they thought any Aes Sedai could get. Also the complete lack of sharing information between Ajahs or even sometimes between individuals within the same Ajah means no one knows anything EXCEPT the evil ones. Amazing.

Anyway, that’s all set to change now that the world is ending, so uh, that’s a plus? Lmao.

Character-by-character thoughts under the cut.

Rand

One of Rand’s most notable developments this book is having sex with Min, then completely losing his mind over it

It’s like. Min: rips off his clothing. Rand, for the next several days: I’m such a monster.

This is also why he flings Perrin against a wall

Bc obviously having SEX proves he’s a MONSTER

Thankfully this gets resolved in less than a week, but still

Also! He and Min VERBALLY confessed their feelings to each other! That’s the best progress this harem has seen yet!

God what else did Rand do this book. Oh right, teleport around a lot and get stabbed by Padan Fain and then let Sammael lure him into Shadar Logoth

Where Sammael “””dies”””

(I will not believe ANYONE in this series is dead until I have SEEN THE BODY)

Meanwhile he does a mercy killing of Leah, which hopefully has broken down his block against killing women, because there’s like, what, five female forsaken who are totally willing to kill him?

Perrin

Gets flung against a wall, leaves to do some other mission

Honestly I don’t have much to say about Perrin this book?

He and Faile still aren’t really communicating, for still-really-stupid reasons?

Sigh

Egwene

Still THE GODDAMN AMYRLIN SEAT

Finds out about Lan, sends him to Nynaeve

Not rly the most important character this book but I love her

Min

As mentioned above, has sex with Rand

Is also absolute MVP for actually communicating with him. And having something that resembles a brain.

Tells Cadsuane etc enough to prevent them from totally triggering his PTSD while trying to save his life

LITERALLY possesses half the braincells in this whole book

Also, total confirmation that Moiraine isn’t dead, Min thinking about how Moiraine being essential to Rand’s success is her ‘one viewing that hasn’t come true’

Birgitte

The other MVP, the only person on the planet capable of breaking down the communication barriers between Mat and Nynaeve + Elyane

This is because she is the only person on the planet who is from a time period (well, several time periods) with actual gender equality, including men and women not all automatically distrusting each other

Mat is shocked to discover he can think of a woman as a person

Nynaeve is shocked that Birgitte can think of a man as a person

A+, good work

Mat

Speaking of,

Maybe actually learns a thing or two regarding his sexism. Part of that is via a FRIENDSHIP WITH BIRGITTE, which I did not expect to become one of my favorite friendships in the series, but here we are

The other part is uh, the getting raped

And like, otherwise assaulted

A lot

By Tylin, queen of Ebou Dar

It’s a real bad time and I feel sorry for him

We leave the book with him being the last of our protagonists out of the city, not quite leaving before a war erupts there, I’m sure he’ll have a GREAT time next book,

Nynaeve

Despite Aviendha making her apologize to Mat, I don’t think she ACTUALLY admits she’s wrong any time in this book? So she’s still only done so once in the entire series lmao

A Mess TM!

Her block is broken now, thanks to a near-death experience WHICH WAS DUE TO MOGHEDIAN, meaning Moghedian is accidentally responsible for Nynaeve becoming more powerful, good job

Ok weirdly her relationship with Lan is actually... super cute in this book, where it WASN’T before, and I think the difference is the part where Lan longs for death even more than usual

You would think that wouldn’t suddenly make a ship cute

But you would be wrong

He’s HOLLOW and HALF DEAD INSIDE and somehow. It works? I don’t know man

Lan

See above

Elayne

More braincells than Nynaeve or Mat, which is to say, she has one (1)

Spends significantly too many pages flailing around looking for the Bowl, but hey, she+Nynaeve+Mat have finally found it, so at least THAT subplot comes to an end

Still needs to actually go be queen

Cadsuane

She’s no Moiraine, but I like her

Badass old lady who fears zero (0) things

Morgase

Still alive, BARELY

Has now been tortured, but OFF-page, which is a rarity in the Torture Porn Series

Also she had very, very coerced sex

Then the Seanchan show up in Amadicia and she’s introduced to something even more terrifying, the concept of slavery, and manages to escape with one of the suddenly-less-bad-seeming religious zealots

Moghedien, Galina

SPEAKING OF the concept of slavery,

Both of these are very evil people we don’t like, who this book now makes us feel sorry for by watching their torture and degradation

Which is very classic WoT

So that’s most of the characters I have specific thoughts on, but there’s something else I wanna say here at the end, which is predictions for the next book!

While I’m quite sure that Moiraine and Lanfear aren’t dead, I don’t think they’re coming back quite yet. For that matter, I’m not sure if Sammael’s probably-not-dead nature will be revealed yet

Instead, I think the main enemy next book is going to be the Seanchan, now that they’ve invaded two further countries

Maybe we’ll get to see Egeanin again???? Pls????

[spooks-can-write]

The Babysitter

Nestor x Reader

Summary: Emily hires you to babysit Cristobal (this is apart from the actual tv series events) and you and Nestor have some...tension. im bad at summaries ok.

Warnings: no smut just tension lmao. Cursing. Some predatory behavior, nothing beyond that.

Word count: idk tbh its longER tho bc i cant be short im s o r r y.

Hope yall enjoy 💞

The door chimed as you walked into the coffee shop, immediatley seeing Emily beam as she saw you made you loose a tension you didnt know you were holding. After leaving your last job abruptly you had been busy trying to get your shit together and through the struggle you were glad to take a break to see your old babysitter and childhood friend Emily.

"Hey (y/n)!" She stood up, you noted motherhood suited her well. She seemed more at peace now.

"Hey Em!" You looked down to see Cristobal sweetly sleeping in his noteably expensive stroller.

"So..." she seemed eager "I was talking with Miguel and we know you're...well...looking for a new job and place to stay so we thought it'd be perfect if you stayed with us as Cristobals full time nanny."

You were caught off gaurd to say the least "Oh, uh that does sounds great but i dont have any experience really."

"Dont worry well figure it out and ill be there in the beginning till you settle in. Trust me."

You thought you didnt have many other places to go either way and being in a stable enviornment would be good for a change. Fuck it.

"When can i start?"

Nannying was going better than you thought. It helped that Cristobal was more than well behaved but also you kind of had a knack for it. Not to mention the mansion Emily lived in. The only problem from time to time was that asshole with the cornrows. He always blatantly ignored you or just stared at you until you left the room. You thought long and hard about what you did to piss him off and couldnt think of a single thing, so you decided he was just an asshole.

You needed to check with Miguel about taking Cristobal to the park, going to his office you just found Nestor standing next to an empty desk.

"Where is Miguel?"

He didnt respond.

"Where.Is.Miguel?" You ask with more attitude than you meant.

He blinked like he didnt understand.

"Nestor!" You raised your voice

"He stepped out. He'll be back in 10." His calm tone didnt match yours. You instantly felt embaressed to have been rude. Shit.

"Thanks" you walked out wishing you had been more calm

--------------------------

When you walked in he looked up, thinking it was miguel, to see you. You were wearing that new top he liked. It hugged your curves. The sun was hitting your face making you glow.

Fuck you were beautiful. He wanted to shove the chair out of the way and grab you and kiss you more than he ever wanted anything he knew he couldnt have.

Shit. You looked mad.

"Nestor!"

He gathered his thoughts

He watched you walk out. His stomach twisted that you seemed mad at him. Fuck.

----------------------

They were supposed to be gone all day so you were walking around the house, bouncing and humming a hymn to Cristobal in your pjs. He slowly fell asleep as you walked around the stairs to the den, you stopped dead.

You were met with the eyes of Miguel, Devante, Nestor, and a fair skinned man with a lot of jewlery and a shit eating grin as his eyes obviosuly roamed your body. You were just wearing a little bit too short of shorts and a tank top that cristobals sleepy hand was tugging down. You felt your stomach twist and cheeks flush.

"Sorry-I I didnt know anyone was home, he was getting fussy so.." you trailed off as Miguel stood up giving you a look you couldnt read. You looked over to Nestor and he looked upset.

"Dont worry mija we were just finishing up." Miguel said, like he meant it.

"Actually" the strange man stood, still undressing you with his eyes. It was starting to piss you off.

"Miguelito i think we should wait till my party next saturday to...finalize this deal huh?" He said with that same grin.

"Por supuesto" miguel said as he ushered the man to the other side of the room, talking to each other in spanish too quiet for you to decipher.

You felt stuck in your place. You focused on Cristobals breath against your chest. Trying to let it calm you. You noted more of the man. He looked dangerous. Emily told you Miguel was a international businessman and you believed her till you came here. You werent stupid enough to ask exactly what he did but you also werent stupid enough to believe he was just a businessman either.

The men came back and stood in front of you for a beat.

"Hey listen im really sorry i thought everyone was gone-" you started

"No worries chiquita, but do you have a passport?" Devante asked, eyebrow raised

-----------------------------

"Well if im being whored out i mine as well look good right?" You said smoothing down the soft rose gold satin dress as Emily and Dita sang your praises.

"How many times do i have to tell you (y/n) he just told Miguel he wanted to see you at the party, hes not going to do anything and we won't let him anyways." Emily reassured you, doing your hair.

"You're a part of the family now mija, this is our job as the women." You knew that comment was true, you saw it with your own eyes and that made it sting even more.

You were doing it for the sake of Emily and her family you told yourself. Plus you did look amazing in the dress.

You tugged at the zipper of the dress, it wouldn't budge.

"Hey em, can you-" you turned to see nestor at the door.

"I can if you want" his voice was gentle. Not that he was ever callous with you but it felt deliberate.

"Yeah sure" you half whispered, surprised it got caught in your throat.

He walked over. You moved your hair in front as he gently pulled the zipper up. Touching it when he was done. You turned.

"Listo?" He asked

You nodded, following. Feeling a flutter in your chest.

The drive to mexico was beautiful and serene. You mind did wander to Nestor and how sweet he was to you. You wondered if it was a fluke. Maybe he felt sorry for you. You tried not. to feel sorry for yourself.

You arrived to what looked like a castle. It had the guards with machine guns and everything. You found humor in that, as the situation sank in, you weren't scared.

It you were honest with yourself even when Nestor was cold to you, you always felt safe with him.

You all got out of the car, you last, as Nestor helped you onto the uneven stones. It'd been a minute since you wore heels.

"Dont worry." He leaned down to talk close to you, squeezing your hand. You met his smile.

The music was loud as you walked in. People were dancing and the mariachis were amazing. You were thankful to sit next to emily and dita. You felt eyes on you from men and their wives. You tugged your dress up. Definitley not the most revealing at the party but apparently it was enough.

"Its because you are not married" Dita told you, a comforting hand on your shoulder. "They are jealous" She smiled. It didnt make you feel better. You tried to focus on the drink in front of you.

The man from the house yelled joyfully and drunkenly in spanish and started walking toward the table. The men quickly stood up and met him halfway. Ushering him into a private room smoothly. Not before you made eye contact and he winked. You held your shudder.

The night went on and you found yourself almost having fun and forgetting the dangerous people around you.

You went to the bathroom as Devante and Dita danced.

You were looking for the bathroom when you felt a heavy hand on your waist. You jumped and turned. It was the man.

"Hello pretty women" he said with a accent slurred with the smell of strong alcohol that pinched your nose.

You backed up to find yourself against a wall. You started to look for a way out but his hand got harder on your waist, moving to hold your hip.

He leaned in speaking breathy spanish against your ear you couldnt understand on your best day. You took the opportunity to side step, noticing his henchmen about 10 ft away watching, glocks on their hips. The situation sank your stomach. You wouldnt be getting out of here.

"(Y/n) ive been looking everwhere for you." Dita shuffled past the man grabbing your arm and pulling you away. "Miguel needs to talk with you." She said louder than necesarry.

You were at a near jog down the hall. She stopped and turned you when you were safely away but not into the main area.

"Are you okay mija?" She held your hand. You felt tears welling.

"Men like that will ways exist and here, you will find them in abundance. It's important to stay close to us. They prey on the lone wolf okay?" You nodded. She wiped the tear you didnt know you shed.

She stayed with you till you calmed down.

"Brave face mija" she said as you walked back into the room, back to the table. Nestor and miguel were there looking directly at you, worried, trying to read your face. You forced a smile. Understanding what being in this family meant. It wasnt good. It wasnt bad. It was just your life now.

Nestor quickly sat next to you. Emily eyeing you, sympathetically. They were all too smart to not put together what happened. She touched your thigh, you flinched. She removed it. You could see she made a heartbroken face out the corner of your eyr but you couldnt bring yourself to meet her eyes.

"Im okay i promise. Just..shook up" you were honest. She nodded. You knew she felt terrible.

The night continued. Nestor wanted to kill him and he knew how he would do it. He shared looks with Miguel. He shook his head. Not yet. The second you walked out, holding ditas arm like it was the only thing keeping you up his stomach twisted. Rage ran down his back.

When he didnt see that bastard Diego and didnt see you, his mind raced and he was about to go down the hall to kill that fuck when Dita grabbed him.

"You can't. It has to be me." She didnt have to explain. He knew why. It killed him to turn around and walk away from the situation as his mind let dark thoughts in of what he was doing to you.

He kept looking at you, he could see you trying to be brave but under the table your leg was shaking and you were fidgeting with your hands.

"Come outside with me baby" he leaned over so only you could hear him.

You looked over at him standing with his hand out. You were thankful. Did he just call you baby? It sounded good coming out of his mouth.

You took his hand. It was calloused and strong. It calmed you down almost instantly as he led you outside. When people saw him coming they almost fell over themselves to move out of your way.

The cool air felt good on your flushed cheeks. He let go of your hand and led you to the balcony. You leaned on it, embracing the night air.

"Its really beautiful out here, all things considered." You chuckled.

He looked worringly at you, "Thank you Nestor." You grabbed his arm.

Fuck, his name sounded so good in your mouth.

"You're welcome." He watched as you leaned against the balcony. He wanted to touch you, tell you, youre beautiful but after what happened thats not what you needed and he knew it.

-------------------

You stayed like that for awhile, in each other's silence. The muffled sound of the mariachis relaxing you.

You felt your eyes getting heavy.

"Dont get tired now its not even 1am yet." You looked over, surprised he noticed.

"Maybe we can just stay out here all night then." You smiled at him.

Fuck he would do just about anything you asked. Crawl on glass in the snow, change your oil, anything as long as you kept smiling at him like that.

"But it's probably best to go inside right?" You sighed.

"I think so."

You grabbed his arm as you walked in, holding onto him and keeping your eyes on the table.

Time passed and you struggled to stay awake, you leaned on Nestor's shoulder without thinking, you froze. He moved over to make you more comfortable, moving his arm around you but not too much. You snuggled in. Damn he smelled good too. You closed your eyes, feeling people looking. Fuck em.

You were stirred up by Nestor rubbing your upper arm "hey, hey, time to go."

You stirred, never really falling asleep but not present for the end. Everyone was filing out slowly.

Nestor was looking over to Miguel and Diego. He shook Miguel's hand. He didn't look away as he put his coat over your shoulders and walked you all out.

You noticed Emily smirking at you, making eyes at Nestor's jacket around you.

You tried to open your mouth

"-Ah." She cut you off. "You don't need to tell me anything." She smiled.

You smiled back, happily getting in the warm car and doozing on and off on the way home, catching Nestor look at you in the rearview mirror made you blush.

You all made your way inside as you felt the emotional fatigue of the day in your legs.

Nestor was waiting by the front door. Not for you it seemed. Just taking a moment.

"Can i be out here with you for awhile?" You asked, ready for him to say anything.

"Yeah."

"Thanks for tonight, for taking care of me."

"I know you can take care of yourself (y/n). I just didn't want you to feel alone out there." He spoke softly, sitting next to you.

You stared at his face for the first time it seemed. He was beautiful. You dared to glance down at his lips.

He followed your eyes. He wouldn't move qn inch on you tonight. He didnt want to chance pushing you but fuck did he want you so bad.

You weren't used to initiating, you could see he wanted you but wouldnt move. You closed the distance, stopping just short to see if he'd react.

His head just barely titled up towards you, you took it and kissed him, you being the one to take control felt good. You wondered if he was usually like this.

He was gentle and sweet and you found yourself appreciating it tonight. You grabbed his face and you deepened the kiss.

You felt brave and stood up and sat down to straddle him. He grunted in the back of his throat as you grabbed his braid he moved his hands to hold your thigh and ass.

The kiss slowed down and he smiled into it. You laughed, dropping your head into his shoulder, touching your lips.

"Wow uh-" you got off him, laughing with him.

"Yeah" he laughed, grabbing your hand. "Let's go inside."

He dropped you off at your room which felt cute and a little ridiculous. It was fitting.

Words failed you and it seemed to him, as well.

"Goodnight." He said softly again.

"Good night Nestor." You replied closing your door, silently congratulating yourself for not dragging him into your room.

Whatever, give it a week. You smiled.

[suffering-and-happy-about-it]

WhatsApp? Part 5. (Steve Rogers x reader)

Description: You’ve never been lucky with guys. You just wanted to catch someone’s eye, to be loved. One day, that’s about to turn completely - with one fake, completely imagined number a guy gave you

A/N: I am a little shit for this tbh. But shush.

Warnings: FIRST ACTUAL SIGN OF FLIRTING. 

Tagging: @missdictatorme @songforhema

Read the rest and don't be scared bcs of my crazy ass:  Part One  Part Two  Part three  Part four

Series master list if you love to read series in order like me :) (I got u, boo):  H E R E

You had coma while you slept. Not like an actual coma - but you were totally dead when you fell asleep at half-past one a.m. You were done for - three and a half hours past your bedtime, charmed by some mysterious man and worried the hell out for that poor boy who snored all over the place.

Thank God May was woken up and that she had lived nearer to the office than you do. Because you could wake up later than you usually did. The traffic wasn't so bad in this part of Queens either.

"Pancakes are on the table, sleepyhead. Now wake the hell up." - She giggled when you just hummed into your pillow, refusing to wake the fuck up. You fell asleep at one a.m. for god's sake. This was some torturing and you were sure of it.

"I think I need to take a day off. I'm dead. I'm more dead than Peter was yesterday." - You mumbled into the pillow, smelling the delicious pancakes.

"I'm feeling ok now, Y/N." - A young voice rang through the living room. You felt dizzy, yet you take your head off the small pillow you've slept on. Peter, who's body most likely had the last hurrah before death yesterday, was sitting at the table, grinning at you widely. - "You're the dead elephant in the room right now."

He had his sweater on, his hair was super messy and he looked tired as hell. But he was alive per se.

"I will recall what I just thought in my head before a second." - You sat, yawned out loud like a lion on savanna at the midday and turned your head to him. You looked tired but really, really happy. That made him look happy as well. - "Because you're having your last hurray before your death. Guess the joke's on you, zombie-kiddo."

Peter knew you were just messing with him. You two did it all the time - friendly beefs and arguments about everything - the most of them happened after you've seen the last sci-fi movie in local cinema (you were his adult company to the movies he and his super best pal couldn't go alone to and you knew that even if Pete will grow up or find a gf, this will be a part of your life that's not going to change.)

"I'm mentally more mature than you are. At least I know how to get my crush better without panicking and talking to a fifteen-year-old boy. I know better than you." - Pete was teasing the hell out of you. - "Anyway, how did it even go?" - He wiggled his eyebrows at you, eating the pancake slowly.

"Well if you didn't come practically walking dead into our office yesterday, I would tell you... That we moved from strangers to friends with Steve." - You served yourself a pancake with some syrup on it. You sometimes slept over at their place, May always being the chef. And her pancakes? Dear lord. That was the best fucking thing ever. Period.

"He texted her six of those worried messages when she forgot her phone at the office." - May abrupted the conversation without taking her eyes off her newspaper. - “I think we all can consider that as something.” - She laughed a bit when you hissed in her direction. 

“Choose your side here May!” - You laughed and heard your phone vibrating at the small table in front of the TV, plugged into the charger as you left it before you fell asleep. You smiled and saw Peter grinning at you under the palm that covered his mouth. 

--- 

You couldn't even believe how fast can a month go around. You didn't even notice - you worked from nine to five at the charity, enjoying your time with your girl, sometimes you even hang out. Not too often tho, because you loved when you just curled in your favorite PJs, watching a movie and letting Steve make you laugh. (Don't worry, Steve’s unintentional dumbness made Sam laugh a lot as well.)

You two were basically internet besties. Steve read almost everything that happened you during the day (he found your life so calm and nice, he almost got jealous at you) and he even shared some details from his day-to-day life with you as well. He was usually surrounded by his friends - some name called Sam, one named Bucky and a woman whose name was apparently Natasha. They seemed to be an extra funny squad from what Steve had told you. 

Peter got really better after he almost stressed you out at the hospital. The fevers didn't come back, he didn't vomit since then and that biting on his wrist disappeared as well. He survived that and you were nothing but happy for him.

You even bought a hella good and hella cheap costumes for your performance at that Stark Charity Evening. You had a long meeting about what choreography you will actually do, but then Kat, the biggest sex bomb at your office stood up. 

“I think we should do Candyman choreography. It's thematic and it's sexy. And we are sexy, isn't that right, Val?” - She encouraged you. She was a feminist and May was too energetic and too much of a leader, she liked that idea immediately. 

“Ladies, that's it. We can be sexy but not slutty female officers. I like it. Yeah. We can get some costumes like a uniform tux and a pencil skirt...” - May tried to get you a vision of her idea. You honestly thought it is a bit stupid - Christina was super slutty in that clip. May was not really that type of a gal - but she would be up for it if is PG-13. 

“But you know, we can show some skin off.”- Deena took off where May started, looking at everyone. - “Jesus May, I didn't say we will make it a lesbian show-off strip tease even tho I know that Val would've loved it.” - She winked at Valerie and she just laughed. - “I mean, we can have those shirts tied around our back and some short under the uniforms. Like that girl who is showing her biceps off and is like a mechanic? Abby knows what I'm talking about, she has that posted in front of her for two years now.” 

“So...” - Suzie looked at everyone. - “We will start off as officers but then we will strip the formality off and show the men that we can take care of ourselves.” - She continued. Kat just seemed to be proud of that idea. And to be honest, when it would be like that, you were up for some Candyman as well. - “It will be a nice nod to the marinas and if we will have a good choreography, we can raise more money. Especially from the men. And that is our goal.”

“Okay girls. We have ourselves a plan. Now the choreography is in your hands and costumes are the things that I will take care of.” - You smiled shyly. You were off to a good start.

But you know, everything has to stop eventually. 

Steve: I will be off the country for the next fourteen days and maybe more because of my work. I'm really, really sorry. 

That hit you completely unprepared. You almost forgot about that thing with Steve’s job... Everything was just too dreamy to think about that mans job.  You bit your bottom lip, looking around. You felt like everyone in the office could feel your mood shift even if nobody paid you any attention. But you tried to play it off as a joke - you were friends after all. 

Y/N: As long as you will send me a postcard and you'll miss me out there, I think I'll make it somehow. 

You put your phone on your desk and looked at the computer with a blank stare. You knew him an only month and a half - you didn't know where he lives, what does he look like or how does his voice sound like, but that man just had some magic in his texts.

You wished that you were joking when you said it yourself, but he really had some magic in him. Two weeks without him? You will miss him badly. A month? You will go crazy in no time. 

Steve: That can be arranged. :)

A gentleman at all costs, you smiled and closed your eyes for a while. Maybe it was good that you will take a short break from each other. You will be more looking forward to his kind words. Even more, you did now. Which sound impossible, but it may be right. 

Y/N: Which one of the things we are talking about? I don't want to make any high hopes, handsome. 

You joked and looked back at the stuff you were working on. It looked good - it was a document about the usage of food and the clothes you gathered from the locals. There was one big pre-fall evening where you will be giving the thing to the homeless people and you needed to document how many things you had actually. You were almost done so a little dispersion from Steve was not a bad thing.

Steve: I thought we are talking about both of the things you wrote to me. Especially about the second one. 

Everything in you froze for a sec. Did he really... Did he really just flirted with you? And was it you or it was the most fascinating and smooth thing someone ever did around you? You half-hissed and half-laughed at that, suddenly being happy as hell. Wow. 

Y/N: So you would miss me?

No need to be overreacting. Maybe he is just messing with you - yeah. This man here sometimes got you good, once or twice, but it didn't happen too often. Which was kind of a bummer? He was so funny at times.

Steve: Do you even need to ask about that? Of course, I will. 

And that was it. You felt like screaming and jumping so high you will touch the clouds. Steve Rogers, the man who made you laugh with his shyness and cuteness had definitely told you that he will miss you. It almost felt like a first I love you. But you didn't want to get too over yourself. 

“I know that victory dance you're performing now.” - Suzie, the elegant tall blonde suddenly appeared at your desk with other papers with you. - “This man is actually doing a thing to you, do you know that? It's lovely to see.” - She said quietly as she let you off. 

The squad you belonged in had almost the most stereotypical friends in it - May definitely was the Mom one, there was no point in denying that. Deena was a girl full of energy and love for life, the paries felt wilder with her in it. She was the energetic one, still listening to Wannabe by The Spice Girls or Fancy by Iggy Azalea. Suzie felt like the quiet one, but she was just reserved and well mannered - she was somehow related to some fancy monarchy people or what. And you were the wallflower - everyone told you things and you just kept them a secret. Also, you were the hanging out friend. Things were much more enjoyable and funnier with you around.

So yeah. That was typical Suzie. She noticed, told you - but she was really formal and reserved, just giving you a shy smile. If Deena found you in this state, she would remind you every three to five seconds about your dreamy face. You should be grateful to Suzie for waking you up to this gently.

Y/N: I will miss you too. 

And it was out. Just like that, you admitted you will miss him. And you thought like everything just started with small, five- worded sentence.

---

Steve looked at his phone with a frown, watching your conversation for a little while. You weren't exactly making it easier for him to leave America and go to Russia. Most likely a whole month without you. He inhaled deeply. 

Both of you got used to each other's virtual presence so much it felt like the day will not be complete without the other one in it. Was it the feeling Clint told him about? The one when he had to leave Laura and his kids? It must've been something fairly similar, but on a smaller scale.

And you will miss him as well. Damn it, weren't you a sweetheart?

“Are we ready to take off today or should we call it off?” - Natasha called at him from inside of the Quinjet, looking like a walking hair product commercial. She was truly beautiful, but not for Steve, he had someone else on his mind. She was beautiful for Sam tho and he didn't hesitate to tell her, but she always rolled her eyes and told him to bugger off.

“Let him be, he has to say goodbye to his online girlfriend.” - Sam answered Natasha in a cocky voice, patting Steve’s back. At that point, Sam declared you like Steve’s girl at every actual chance he got his hands on. 

Bucky was more calmed and down to earth about that. He knew you make Steve smile and that you charmed him with your points and kindness. But there was a lot of more far ahead of you two - to meet up, try if your chemistry actually works in person and so on. But that didn't make him stop from making dumb jokes about you two from time to time. But he was not as persistent as Sam. 

“Shut up birdbrain.” - Bucky hushed him as he prepared his things inside the Quinjet next to Nat. - “You are just jealous because no girl has an actual interest in you. That is a point.” 

“I wonder why I wonder how...” - Natasha sang quietly and made Bucky chuckle. 

“It is a real mystery. We should call Scooby-Doo. Aren’t you fellas? You know, you're both animals and...” - Bucky shrugged his shoulders and just continued in teaming up with Natasha against Sam. They were a strong team, quite an enforcement commando used against Sam. Also, Bucky was a sucker for Scooby-Doo. He loved Velma especially.

“The girl from the bistro would tell you different, old man.” - Sam sat next to them, watching Steve with a slight smile. He was proud of him. He didn't fuck up and it was almost two months since this WhatsApp thing started. 

“She smiled at you and laughed at your jokes because she knew you will give her a bigger tip.” - Nat zipped Sam off before he could even start about that Tessa girl from the place they had lunch in. - “Because no one would laugh at your jokes willingly.” 

Bucky gave her a high five. - “Shots fired.” 

Steve: I'll call you when I'm back. And that's a promise. 

Steve: I really need to go, my friends are getting impatient and they are behaving like literal children. I need to take care of them. Be safe, Y/N. Okay?

He wrote quickly and followed his friends, knowing that he will hear your voice when he gets back. And that was a thing worth of speeding the mission up. Or at least doing everything it takes for that.

[loplainlointhemorning]

You don't have to answer this if you don't want to but what's up with the Courtney Love controversy? Why are people accusing her of manipulation or whatever? I'm totally new to this discussion

hey darling!! no worries, I love discussing Kurt & Court bc theyre my surrogate parents and they emotionally raised me when I had a difficult relationship w my Mom and Dad, plus I’m named after Kurt and he’s part of the reason I realized my ~gender~, so needless to say I have a surplus of information on them. Plus their music fucks. anyways, this is gonna be a masterpost-

my credentials(sources I have taken my information and formed my opinion on Kurt & Court’s relationship from if u need to look into them):

-Heavier Than Heaven(Book by Charles Cross, authorized by Kurt’s estate. Charles Cross is a well known grunge/music historian and has literally devoted his life to researching and writing rockstar biographies, including several on Nirvana. One of my favorite books ever.)

- Montage Of Heck(Documentary on Kurt’s life. Produced by his daughter, Frances. I have some heavy criticisms of this film and of the interviews in it, but it does have some reflections on Kurt and Courtney’s relationship that I think are important.)

- Hit So Hard(a documentary on Hole’s drummer, Patty Schemel. Minor discussions of Kurt and Kurt and Courtney.)

- Verse Chorus Verse(Fan-made documentary series on Kurt’s life, widely regarded by Nirvana fans the most in depth play-by-play biography that exists- and it’s free on YouTube, which is lit.)

sources I don’t pull from, but many younger Nirvana fans do(the people who buy into the conspiracies generally):

Kurt and Courtney- A documentary made in the late 90’s under the guise of biography, but is actually about the conspiracy theory that Courtney killed Kurt. I saw it when I was a new fan and I literally laughed out loud from how apeshit it was.

Soaked In Bleach- ‘Biopic’ about Courtney killing Kurt. I haven’t seen it but straight men who think Courtney is ugly take it more seriously than the Bible. Very little truth ever goes into these theories, besides maybe names and dates.

Anything Hank Harrison(Courtney’s father) has to say- He wrote a book on the subject. He also gave her acid and lost custody of her when she was three years old. He’s a shit parent and I doubt he’s actually seen his daughter since the 80’s.

Anything Buzz Osborne(Kurt’s friend, singer for the Melvins, a band Kurt looked up to in Montesano) says- I think Buzz’s opinion is taken way too seriously by a lot of the fan base, I read an interview of his criticizing Montage Of Heck because Kurt ‘didn’t really have a stomach disease’ and was just lying about it to get high, and also about how he hated having to see Courtney naked, and made a good long point about how disgusting her body is. IOn top of all that(none of which really has to do with critiquing the film...?), he mocked Kurt and called him a loser for committing suicide. I don’t care what your opinion on his stomach, his wife, or his music is, that shit is callous and idiotic, but totally reflective of the 70’s and 80’s mentality regarding the mentally ill. He’s part of the legion of pretentious punk dudes who *kind of* knew Kurt, who think Courtney’s the one who ‘corrupted’ him, which brings me around to answering your question.

So, there’s this idea regarding Kurt and Courtney’s relationship, which is pretty similar to the one surrounding Sid and Nancy’s(or at least used to.) Courtney is the whiny, annoying, petulant bitch who attached herself to the first trophy she could find, and through her terrible manipulative personality kept him with her and kept him from getting better. In this mode of thinking, She’s also the person who ‘started’ him on drugs, and in a few people’s eyes, the person who ‘forced’ him to have Frances.

The reality of the situation, as I see it, as someone who’s gone to pretty decent lengths to inform themselves on the subject, is that Kurt and Courtney’s relationship was toxic: But the toxicity was mutual. This doesn’t mean they were a “problematic” couple, or that they were abusing each other, or even that either one of them was ‘evil’, it means that they fell deeply in love as young trauma survivors with substance abuse issues and huge ambitions. That’s a lot to put on any relationship and it’s a lot to talk about, so I’m gonna split this into categories of complaints that you’ll hear pretty routinely as a new Nirvana/Hole fan.

1. “She got him into drugs!”

Courtney started on heroin in the late 80’s in L.A., when she was still playing with Sugar Baby Doll(her band with Jennifer Finch and Kat Bjelland). Kurt, as said in Heavier Than Heaven, tried heroin for the first time around 1988-1989(I don’t remember exactly.) At the time, he was still living with(though I don’t believe they were still dating) Tracy Marander. Because he was destitute, he didn’t have enough money to start forming an actual habit until Nevermind started gaining speed, and by the time he and Courtney started dating(they met a couple of times and phoned a couple of times before cementing a relationship) he had been taking it for a while. That’s the thing I think people look over when it comes to Kurt- He was embarrassed about his addiction and he hated the physical side effects, but he loved heroin.

Courtney says in Montage Of Heck that she had both tried and kicked heroin by the time she met Kurt, but I think the Heavier Than Heaven description is probably more accurate: That she did heroin socially, and her addiction worsened after the two of them began living together because Kurt was(in her own words) ‘obsessed with oblivion.’ She also said in Montage Of Heck that his dream was to ‘Get to three million dollars and become a junkie.’ She’s stated several times that her drug problems came out of a need for ‘comfort’, and Kurt was into getting so fucked he couldn’t do anything else(also confirmed by his friend, Dylan Carlson, who was also into heroin and did it with him often.)

On top of that, Courtney was the one who orchestrated interventions for Kurt, went through the process of reviving him when he’d overdosed, and broke his syringes/scared off his dealers to try and keep drugs away from him as much as possible. At one point, she even made a rule that no drugs were to be done in the house- So he started renting motel rooms and doing them there. It was she who was the head of his final intervention before he went missing.

If anything, Courtney is the person who tried her hardest to keep drugs away from both of them. Considering how much people still talk about her doing heroin while pregnant(which occurred very early on before she was aware of her condition), Kurt is the person who struggled the most to stay off drugs during her pregnancy and after Frances’ birth, even going so far as to hide in the bathroom from her while she was struggling with morning sickness so she wouldn’t know he was getting high.

2. “She manipulated him into dating her/marrying her!”

Here’s the thing about Courtney; She is an enigmatic, entertaining, talented, maternal individual. Here’s the thing about Kurt; He’s a shy, quiet, non-confrontational guy with mommy issues. There’s been a lot of discussion on how Courtney was ‘obsessed’ with Kurt, and how she wouldn’t rest until she pinned him down: That’s untrue, or at least it reads less like crazy-bitch-steals-rock-god and more like cute-singer-has-crush-on-fellow-cute-singer. She was really into him, but when she met him she was still dating Billy Corgan, which deterred her from pursuing him until that relationship(basically) dissolved. When Kurt met her, he had just gotten out of a relationship with Tobi Vail, which most likely fell apart because she refused to be what Tracy Marander had been for him. She wasn’t interested in caring for him and she wasn’t interested in a full-time monogamous relationship. She was working too hard at her own career and was way too involved in the burgeoning riot grrrl movement to worry about looking after Kurt Cobain. That just wasn’t going to work for him.

Kurt was a big believer in the nuclear family model, he was very monogamous, and besides that he lacked the ability to physically take care of himself. If he wasn’t living with a partner who would clean up the house and remind him to wash his hair, it just didn’t happen. He was chronically ill, depressed, and he’d spent most of his adolescence AWOL from anyone who would actually raise him, so Tobi’s rejection deeply hurt him for a number of reasons- While Courtney, the opposite of Tobi in a few key ways, was exactly what he wanted. On top of looking like the archetypical punk girl, “I was attracted to her because she looked like Nancy Spungen,” she had a maternal streak (In Montage Of Heck, when he’s found sitting beside her while she cuts his hair, and, typical for people living with Kurt, mentions that she cleans the house because ‘nobody else fuckin does.’) Early on in their relationship, Kurt had a meltdown and begged Courtney to come to his apartment. She did, and looked after him the rest of the night, a pattern which would become common for them, and was stated by her half sister to be the ‘original strain on the relationship.’

Besides her mothering elements, Courtney was brassy and loud, and her presence allowed him to be less introverted and freer with himself. She was an ambitious young musician who shared a similar childhood to him, and had the same yearning for a safe home life that he did. She was well-read and artistic, and introduced him to the literary side of music creation, which he hadn’t explored yet. After spending a night on the phone with her, he went around telling everybody she was ‘the coolest girl in the world,’ and broke off another burgeoning relationship with Mary Lou Lord on live TV after spending the night with her. The famous quote, “Courtney Love is the best fuck in the world.” is in fact real. And yeah, he could’ve handled that one better.

The attraction was mutual, and I find it hard to believe that Kurt was ever forced into anything romantic with her based on how well she suited his tastes.

3. “She used him for his fame/money!”

As stated above, Courtney was attracted to Kurt before Nevermind was even recorded, and if she wanted to marry a famous dude right out the gate, at the time they met there were plenty of people who were way more famous than Kurt. In Heavier Than Heaven she mentions really liking their song “Dive,” and later in life she mentioned hearing “Sliver” and being impressed with Kurt’s writing abilities. Both of those songs were released a solid two years before Nevermind. She was interested in Kurt because he was cute and talented and she was savvy in the music scene, meaning that she kept up with underground bands.

Now, a point of contention between Kurt & Courtney was their different attitudes towards fame. That is entirely true. Courtney wanted to be famous, enjoyed celebrity, loved attention, and could handle touring, press, and the craziness of success. She was very charismatic, very physically strong, and let’s face it, definitely an attention whore. Kurt liked being praised, he liked being successful, and he definitely had a thing for attention- But he hated pressure, he had inferiority issues, he didn’t know how to handle his life being pried into all the time, and he wasn’t strong enough to do massive tours. Courtney just didn’t understand that, which is pretty common if someone doesn’t share your same mental illness/physical illness: Touring hurt Kurt’s stomach, it worsened his anxiety and emotional instability, it wore his body out, it didn’t agree with him. He loved playing live but couldn’t handle the mania or the travelling, meaning he didn’t mind blowing off huge tours that would bring in loads of money. Courtney, who did feel envious and intimidated regarding his success, would get angry at him for that- She didn’t want him to blow off massive paychecks and press coverage because it’s not what she would’ve done. I definitely side with Kurt on this, nothing is more frightening and frustrating than people trying to force you to do things you can’t handle health-wise. Courtney, being naturally business-oriented, was also aware of how things appeared to the public, and definitely cared about their image more than Kurt did- One of their fights revolved around her nagging him about how important the “Heart-Shaped Box” music video would be for him, and how he should look good. He reacted by stubbing out a cigarette on his forehead and saying, “Do I look fucking good enough for you now?”

So yeah, Courtney, like a lot of people in Kurt’s life, was all about furthering his career and success. A lot of people read that as her being money-hungry or manipulative, in my opinion it’s just a natural response from a person who’s spent their whole life trying to be a success and wouldn’t really get there until 1994. I think some of it was envy and I think some of it was her using him a little vicariously, neither of which are healthy but neither of which are malicious, either. She wanted to be a rockstar, she was ready to be a rockstar, she wasn’t; He thought he’d wanted to be a rockstar, he didn’t really want to, he was.

4. “She emotionally abused him!”

I hate to say this because I love Kurt so much but, as someone who’s been through a codependent relationship where they were bailing water out of a sinking boat, Kurt’s behavior throughout their marriage set off way more red flags for me than Courtney’s did. I don’t think he was actually abusive, but I do think he was a little too underdeveloped and unresolved to be married to someone. He had to grow up slower than everyone else because he missed out on having concrete mature influences, which Courtney did as well, and like I said earlier I think a lot of their problems came through a lack of adult communication skills. Both of them were really jealous people: Courtney couldn’t stand Kurt talking about Mary Lou Lord or Tobi Vail, Kurt was completely convinced that Courtney was cheating on him with Billy Corgan(even going so far as to talk to their lawyer about a divorce shortly before he died.) This was the catalyst for a lot of mind games and unnecessary drama, especially coming from Kurt.

Kurt couldn’t handle conflict. He was really passive aggressive, and would do things to purposely piss Courtney off or communicate to her that he was displeased. While she was trying to stay clean he would declare that he was going to do drugs in the apartment, when she started talking to a psychic to help her with her problems he mocked her and put her down, when she staged his final intervention his entire argument against rehab was that she was just as ‘fucked up’ as he was(she had already agreed to go into rehab, though whether he was aware of this or not I’m not sure.) He made his first suicide attempt by overdosing on Rohypnol on their wedding anniversary because she took some pills and fell asleep and he decided that meant she wasn’t interested in him anymore. I’m not arguing that that’s an irrational response to your partner getting stoned and falling asleep, especially when he’d apparently set the night up to be as romantic as possible, but the overdose put him in a coma and sent Courtney into hysterics.

Her mental health began to decline due to paranoia that he’d end up dead, and her weight dropped due to the added stress. As someone who’s been through a pretty similar situation to that and exhibited the same symptoms, I can tell you that it is never okay to use a suicide attempt to deal with a perceived injustice from your partner. By this time, Kurt was facing either getting clean or dying, and his behavior was very depressed and erratic, so there are explanations for the way he was acting and I don’t think he was trying to manipulate her with a threat. Despite my understanding of that, there is nothing more exhausting than being the caretaker of someone who is hellbent on never getting better. I can’t imagine being the caretaker of someone who won’t stop until they’re dead, and I do think at that point it would’ve been better for them to separate.

But that isn’t to say Courtney wasn’t toxic herself, I’m not trying to paint a wholly negative image of Kurt here. I’m merely trying to stand in the way of Nirvana fanboys who have no grasp on the more sickly sides of his personality, and give Court a bit of a break. Definitely, she struggled with her jealousy: As stated, she never wanted his ex girlfriends mentioned around her and would tear them apart if they were. She was ambitious and career driven, which eroded a lot of her platonic relationships/working relationships as well her marriage to Kurt. She was one of the people who was pushing him to recover in time to play Lollapalooza, and she was one of the people who pushed him into his last stunted tour before his death. She weaponized his relationship with Frances in ways that I and most people agree are gross: She told him he should be playing massive gigs to support his daughter(though their medical and legal bills were big they were hardly poverty stricken), and admitted in an interview later that she called him in rehab once to tell him he’d dropped Frances on her head(She mentioned during this that Frances was wearing a furry hood, and that he didn’t hurt her. In my opinion he was doing his best by even trying rehab again, and that he was already so worried that he was a terrible father that it was just cruel to make him feel worse.)

She has a tendency to be self-obsessed, and to put her own self interest before people she cares about, even if she regrets it later. She struggles herself with mental illness and addiction, both of which tend to give a person poor judgment regarding the people they care about.

Once again, Courtney and Kurt weren’t a healthy couple, but it wasn’t because they were evil or abusive towards one another. They cared for each other deeply, they had a very pure devotion. Underlying all this nastiness were two people who prayed together, wrote together, fantasized about a Valentine’s Day wedding, and faxed each other R-rated love letters like modern versions of James Joyce and Nora Barnacle. During one of his more successful stints in rehab, Kurt wrote Courtney love letters every night(though he did decorate them with blood, wax, and semen.)

They had some serious therapy they needed to attend, the both of them. But 90% of these demonizations of Courtney are either untrue or blown out of proportion.

[aceyanaheim]

I got this from Mary P. Sue’s blog. It looked like fun so I took her invite to any followers who wanted to do it.

Author Name: AceyAnaheim

Fandoms You Write For: Multifandom

Where You Post: Here mostly. I have an AO3 but I haven’t used it much.

Most Popular One-shot: On Clarity And Promises ( The Originals) 

Most Popular Multi-chapter Story: I haven’t….posted any. >.>

Favorite Story You Wrote: Cake and Everything.

Story You Were Nervous To Post: Each and every one of them.  

I have very high anxiety about sharing my writing. I’ve only shared it with a few close friends and even that took a while.

I think Cake and Everything was a lil bit more nerve-wracking just because I have very dear friends I look up to who write Seto already so well and its hard not to think i need to....do it as good as them I guess. 

Also my Stanuary fic ( no link bc Im not...particularly proud of it) for similar reasons. I know people in the GF fandom that are like uber talented and that I also look up to as artists..and as people since they were super welcoming and nice and GF was my starting thing on tumblr. I was super nervous that compared to their work..it just wasn’t good enough to share.

When I look up to and/or care about people..I tend to want everything I share with them to be good. It’s..it’s a bit of a mind trap I’ll admit. I’m trying to work on it. 

But also ( for the stanuary fic) I just spent way too little time on it and compromised quality over meeting the prompt list/deadline and it.. I knew it wasn’t something I wanted to share which..made me more nervous about sharing it.

It’s interesting that Cake and Everything was the first fic I shared on tumblr since the Stanuary fic. I’m thinking that first thing you share ( either the first fic you share period or the first fic you feel like it’s good enough to share with people) also adds nervousness. 

But I’m workin on gettin over all of that.

How Do You Choose Your Titles: Very Randomly. I don’t put as much thought into it as I probably should. It’s often the last thing I do and usually I’m just looking to fill in the bar. I know its important and I’m tryin to work on puttin more thought on it but...yeah.

Do You Outline: I used to. But not as much lately.  I suspect I will have to for multi-chapter works.

Complete: >.> Oneshots count right?

In Progress: Tales of The Clans. ( Anne B Walsh’s Dangerverse) 

Coming Soon/Not Yet Started: I really wanna get into the Trancendence AU and write something about Toby Pines and Alcor because Begrudging Promotion To Parent is my jam. A fic about what happens when Laura Kinney becomes Seto Kaiba’s bodyguard. Mayyybe a Supernatural Next Gen fic if I can get myself into it again. Other stuff I’m  not sure I’m ready to share yet but include Marvel’s Runaways, X Men First Class, and Disney’s Descendants as well as an OC centered fic set in The Nightworld Series’ world that is way too long and someone should talk me out of tackling but I have the most amazing friends and instead it’s being encouraged and oh gosh if I could show yall the outline.Its a freakin Huge multichapter multi character behemoth looking thing. I dont know what i was thinking.

Anyways.

 I have some DDADS ideas both for fic proper and a Crossover with In The Heights. 

Oh and sometimes I entertain the thought of Movie!Laura being found/adopted by Seto because self indulgence is a powerful beast but thats a bit trickier to mesh together into a fic so it’ll probs take a bit of a backburner to the comic!LauraxYGO crossovers.

Do You Accept Prompts: Not usually only because I have so much anxiety with sharing works. I have no problems writing around a prompt ( and have done it in multiple occasions)  but sharing the end result is quite hard for me.

Upcoming Story You Are Most Excited To Write: The Laura Kinney and Seto Kaiba story.  I think I hit on how all the dynamics are gonna work and how the character plots might or might not change so I’m already having fun with it. Even if I never write it down and instead daydream a lot about it  bc...Reasons.

I’m still not sure which verse ( between Laura coming in when Seto is still under Gozaburo’s guardianship, or Laura gets hired by Seto to bodyguard Mokuba) I’ll follow first but I’m still very excited.

I’ve got a plot bunny or something in the back of my mind where Jubilee uses her Stubbornness and sway with Logan to make Laura, her, and Logan and Gambit resemble a family and stay together. 

A Boy Meet World/Percy Jackson crossover fic tha may or may not happen. A Boy Meets World fic where i claim an old OT3 and it rewrites certain parts of Girl Meets World.

There’s also an MCUxHeroesOfTomorrow crossover where the kids Tony raised in Earth-55326  land on the MCU world  and basically swarm around him ( and their parents) and Peter and Harley are not jealous okay shut up. that may or may not include comic verse characters. 

It’s mostly fluff and silliness Ngl

I.I have a hard time not taking on too much..if you can’t tell.

Gonna tag @queen-of-carven-stone @alexseanchai  @useless-protagonist  @kohakuhime and @rscoil if they're okay with it of course  >.>

And of course anyone who wants to do it is welcomed to.

[dillydedalus]

what i read in july

THAT’S MORE LIKE IT aka i’m finally out of the (relative) reading slump for good & my bro james joyce was there

men explain things to me, rebecca solnit the original mansplaining essay is great, and still scarily relevant; the others in this collection (most on feminist issues) are also quite good; some aspects are a bit dated & problematic so be aware of that. 2.5/5

erschlagt die armen!, shumona sinha (tr. from french, not available in english) short but very impactful novella about a young french woman, originally from india, who works as an interpreter in the asylum system and becomes more & more broken by this system of inhumane bureaucracy and suffering, until she snaps and hits a migrant over the head with a wine bottle. full of alienation and misery and beautiful but disturbing language - the title translates to ‘beat the poor to death’ so like. yeah. 3.5/5

fire & blood: a history of the targaryen family I, george r r martin look, it’s a 700-page-long fake history book about a fictional ruling dynasty in a fictional world, and i’m just That Obsessed & Desperate about asoiaf (and i don’t even care about the targs That Much). anyway, now i know more about the targs than any ruling family from, you know, real history, which is like, whatever. this is pretty enjoyable if you are That Obsessed, although i will say that some bits are much better than others (there are some dry dull years even in everyone’s fav overly dramatic dragon-riding incest-loving family) and the misogyny really is. a lot. too much. way too much. BUT i did really like Good Best Queen Alysanne (her husband king joe harris is alright too i guess) and i found my new westerosi otp, cregan stark/aly blackwood, who both have Big Dick Energy off the fucking charts. 3.5/5 (+0.5 points for cregan and aly’s combined BDE)

the old drift, namwali serpell hugely ambitious sprawling postcolonial nation-building novel about zambia, told thru three generations of three families, as well as a chorus of mosquitoes (consistently the best & smartest parts). there is A LOT going on, in terms of characters, of plot points, of references to history (the zambian space programme) and literature (finally my knowledge of heart of darkness paid off) and thematically, and honestly it was a bit too much, a bit too tangled & fragmented & drifty, and in the end i probably admire this book more than i liked it, but serpell’s writing is incredibly smart and funny and full of electrical sparks 3.5/5

a severed head, iris murdoch the original love dodecahedron (not that i counted). iris murdoch is fucking WILD and i love her for it. this is a strange darkly funny little farce about some rich well-educated londoners and their bizarre & rather convoluted love lives. not as grandiosely wild as the sea the sea, but fun nevertheless. 3/5

midnight in chernobyl, adam higginbotham jumping on the hype bandwagon caused by the hbo series (very weird to call the current fascination with chernobyl a hype bandwagon but you know). interesting & well-written & accessible (tho the science is still totally beyond me) & gets you to care about the people involved. lots of human failure, lots of human greatness, set against the background of the almost eldritch threat of radioactivity (look up the elephant foot & see if you don’t get chills), and acute radiation syndrome which is THE MOST TERRIFYING THING ON EARTH . 3.5/5

normal people, sally rooney honestly this is incredibly engrossing & absorbing once you get used to how rooney completely ignores ‘show don’t tell’ (it works!), i pretty much read the whole thing in one slow workday (boss makes a dollar, i make a dime so i read books on my phone on company time, also i genuinely had nothing to do). i also think rooney is really good at precisely capturing the ~millenial experience in a way that feels very true, especially the transition from school to uni. BUT i really disliked the ending, the book never engages with the political themes it introduces (esp. class and gender) as deeply as it could and the bdsm stuff never really gets TIED UP LOL. so overall idk: 3.5/5

störfall: nachrichten eines tages, christa wolf quiet reflective undramatic little book narrated by a woman waiting to hear about the outcome of her brother’s brain surgery on the day of the catastrophe at chernobyl - throughout the day she puts down her thoughts about her brother and the events unfolding at chernobyl, as well as the double uncertainty she is trying to cope with. really interesting to read such an immediate reaction to chernobyl (the book came out less than a year after chernobyl). 2.5/5

the man in the high castle, philip k dick it was fine? quick & entertaining alternative history where the axis powers win the war, some interesting bits of worldbuilding (like the draining of the mediterranean which was apparently a real idea in the early 20th century?) but overall it’s just felt a bit disjointed & unsatisfying to me. 2.5/5

fugitive pieces, anne michaels very poetic & thoughtful novel about the holocaust, grief, remembrance & the difference between history and memory, intergenerational trauma, love, geology and the weather. i’m not sure how much this comes together as a novel, but it is absolutely beautifully written (the author is a poet as well) and very affective. 3.5/5

american innovations, rivka galchen short collection of bizarre & often funny short stories about neurotic women whose furniture flies away, or who grow an extra breast, or who are maybe too occupied with financial details. very vague & very precise at once, which seems to be the thing with these sort of collections. 3/5

fool’s assassin (fitz & the fool #1), robin hobb YAASS i’m back in the realm of the elderlings!!! i thought this was one of the weaker installments in the series - i still enjoyed it a lot, and Feelings were had, but it just doesn’t quite fit together pacing-wise & some of the characterisation struck me as off (can i get some nuance for shun & lant please?) and tbh fitz is at peak Selfcentred Dumbass Levels & it drove me up the fucking wall. molly, nettle & bee deserve better. still, completely HYPE for the rest of the trilogy. 3.5/5

JAMES JOYCE JULY

note: i decided not to read dubliners bc it’s my least fav of joyce’s major works & too bleak & repetitive for my mood right now AND while i planned not to reread finnegans wake bc……. it’s finnegans wake…. i kinda do want to read it now (but i also. really don’t.) so idk yet.

a portrait of the artist as a young man, james joyce y’all. i read this book at least once a year between the ages of 15 and 19, it’s beyond formative, it is burnt into my brain, and reading it now several years later it is still everything, soaring and searing (that searing clarity of truth, thanks burgess) and poetic and dirty, and stephen is baby, and a pretentious self-important little prick and i love him & i am him (or was him as only a pretentious self-important teenage girl reading joyce can be him - because this truly is a book that should be read in your late teens when you feel everything as intensely and world-endingly and severely as my boy stephen does and every new experience feels like the world changing). anyway i love this book & i love stephen dedalus, bird-like, hawk-like, knife-blade, aloof, alienated, severe and stern, a poet-priest-prophet if he could ever get over himself, baby baby baby. 5/5

exiles, james joyce well. there’s a reason joyce is known as a novelist. this is….. a failed experiment, maybe. a fairly boring play about an adulterous love-square and uh… love beyond morality and possession maybe??? about how much it would suck for joyce to return to ireland??? and tbh it’s not terribly interesting. 2/5

travesties, tom stoppard a wild funny irreverent & smart antic comedy inspired by the fact that during ww1, james joyce, lenin, and dadaist tristan tzara were all in neutral zurich, more or less simultaneously; they probably never met, but in this play they do, as dadaist poetry, socialist art critique, and a james joyce high on his own genius & in desperate need of some cash while writing ulysses, AND the importance of being earnest (joyce is putting on a production of it) all collide in the memories of henry carr, who played algernon & later sued joyce over money (tru facts). not my fav stoppard (that’s arcadia) but it’s funny & fizzy & smart & combines many many things that i love. 4/5 

ulysses, james joyce look i’m not really going to tell y’all anything new about ulysses, but it really has everything, it’s warm & human(e) & cerebral & difficult & funny & sad & healing & i always get a lot out of it even tho there’s bits (a lot of them) i’ll never wrap my head around. ultimate affirmation of humanity or whatever. also stephen dedalus is baby. 5/5

dedalus, chris mccabe the fact that this book (sequel to ulysses about what stephen dedalus might have done the next day) exists and was published ON MY BIRTHDAY is proof that the universe loves me. 

anyway this is very very good, very very clever, extremely good at stephen (less good at bloom but his parts are still good), engages w/ ulysses, portrait & hamlet (& others) very cleverly & does some cool meta and experimental shit. y’all it has stephen talking to a contemporary therapist about how he’s stuck in joyce’s text which is all about joyce & very little about whoever stephen is when he’s not joyce’s alter ego/affectionate but slightly amused look at younger self and ithaca is an interview w/ the author about how his relationship to his dad influenced his response to ulysses and I’M INTO IT. the oxen of the sun chapter replaces the whole ‘gestation of english prose’ w/ just slightly rewriting the first pages of about 10 novels published between ulysses and now & it does lolita w/ “bloom, thorn of stephen’s sleep, light in his eyes. his sire, his son’ and i lit. screamed. anyway i don’t want to give this 5 stars (yet) bc i think some of the experimental stuff ended up a bit gimmicky & didn’t add that much to the text but fuck. that’s my boy & i want to reread it right now. 4.5/5 ALSO it’s a crime no literary weirdo woman has written ‘a portrait of the artist’s sister’ about delia ‘dilly’ dedalus, shadow of stephen’s mind, quick far & daring, teaching herself french from a 3rd hand primer while her father drinks the nonexistent family fortune away and her older brother is getting drunk on a beach & starting fights w/ soldiers bc he’s a smartarse

[huckleberrycomics]

On this Thanksgiving, I’m going to give thanks for some of my favourite First Nations artists who continue to fight the good fight against colonialism

(that I have to research as part of my final exam anyway)

Lawrence Paul Yuxweluptun, Coast Salish and Okanogan, born 1957. Surrealist painter, history painter, and creator of the Manifesto of Ovoidism. Featured here are his paintings “Red Man Watching White Man Fix Hole In Sky” (1990), and “The Fish Farmers They Have Sea Lice”.*

Rebecca Belmore, Anishnaabe, born 1960. Performance artist, sculptor, and activist. Pictured here are her works “Ayum-ee-aawach Oomama-mowan: Speaking to Their Mother” (1991) (a sculpture in response to the Oka Crisis in Quebec) and “Vigil” (2002) (a response to the missing and murdered Indigenous women in the downtown east side of Vancouver, BC).

James Luna, Payómkawichum, Ipi, and Mexican-American (1920-2018). Photographer and performance artist. Featured above are his works “Take A Picture With A Real Indian” (2010) and “Half Indian/Half Mexican”. Here’s his memorial article.**

Norval Morrisseau, Anishnaabe, 1931-2007. Painter. Founder of the Woodland School of Canadian Painting and a member of the “Indian Group of Seven”. Pictured above are his famous “Thunderbird” print (1960) and “Indian Erotic Fantasy” (n.d.).

Bill Reid, Haida, (1920-1998). Hugely influential Canadian sculptor who had an enormous impact on the art world surrounding the work of First Nations artists. Pictured above is “The Spirit of Haida Gwaii” and “Raven and the First Men”.

Susain Point, Musqueam Coast Salish, (born 1952). Printmaker. Pictured above are “Beyond the Edge” (2015) and “Transformation” (2005).

Edgar Heap of Birds, Southern Cheyenne, (born 1954). Mixed media. Pictured above are two examples of his work from two of his series “Native Hosts” and “Genocide and Democracy: Secrets of Life and Death”. 

And now for some writers!

I highly encourage you to read some of these books if you can.

The Absolutely True Diary of a Part Time Indian by Sherman Alexie. You can find a free PDF here, or buy a copy here!

Bestselling author Sherman Alexie tells the story of Junior, a budding cartoonist growing up on the Spokane Indian Reservation. Determined to take his future into his own hands, Junior leaves his troubled school on the rez to attend an all-white farm town high school where the only other Indian is the school mascot.

Monkey Beach by Eden Robinson*. You can buy it here!

As she races along Canada’s Douglas Channel in her speedboat—heading toward the place where her younger brother Jimmy, presumed drowned, was last seen—twenty-year-old Lisamarie Hill recalls her younger days. A volatile and precocious Native girl growing up in Kitamaat, the Haisla Indian reservation located five hundred miles north of Vancouver, Lisa came of age standing with her feet firmly planted in two different worlds: the spiritual realm of the Haisla and the sobering “real” world with its dangerous temptations of violence, drugs, and despair. From her beloved grandmother, Ma-ma-oo, she learned of tradition and magic; from her adored, Elvis-loving uncle Mick, a Native rights activist on a perilous course, she learned to see clearly, to speak her mind, and never to bow down. But the tragedies that have scarred her life and ultimately led her to these frigid waters cannot destroy her indomitable spirit, even though the ghosts that speak to her in the night warn her that the worst may be yet to come.

Not up for something that old? How about Robinson’s new book, Son of a Trickster that came out this year?

Everyone knows a guy like Jared: the burnout kid in high school who sells weed cookies and has a scary mom who's often wasted and wielding some kind of weapon.

Jared can't count on his mom to stay sober and stick around to take care of him. He can't rely on his dad to pay the bills and support his new wife and step-daughter. Jared is only sixteen but feels like he is the one who must stabilize his family's life, even look out for his elderly neighbours. But he struggles to keep everything afloat...and sometimes he blacks out. And he puzzles over why his maternal grandmother has never liked him, why she says he's the son of a trickster, that he isn't human. Mind you, ravens speak to him--even when he's not stoned.

You think you know Jared, but you don't.

Something a bit more historical is Richard Wagamese’s Indian Horse.

Saul Indian Horse has hit bottom. His last binge almost killed him, and now he’s a reluctant resident in a treatment centre for alcoholics, surrounded by people he’s sure will never understand him. But Saul wants peace, and he grudgingly comes to see that he’ll find it only through telling his story. With him, readers embark on a journey back through the life he’s led as a northern Ojibway, with all its joys and sorrows.

Kiss of the Fur Queen by Thomson Highway is somewhat convoluted, but a thoroughly enjoyable read with a touch of queerness inside.

Born into a magical Cree world in snowy northern Manitoba, Champion and Ooneemeetoo Okimasis are all too soon torn from their family and thrust into the hostile world of a Catholic residential school. Their language is forbidden, their names are changed to Jeremiah and Gabriel, and both boys are abused by priests. As young men, estranged from their own people and alienated from the culture imposed upon them, the Okimasis brothers fight to survive. Wherever they go, the Fur Queen--a wily, shape-shifting trickster--watches over them with a protective eye. For Jeremiah and Gabriel are destined to be artists. Through music and dance they soar.

Three Day Road by Joseph Boyden is another excellent, tragically dark tale.

It is 1919, and Niska, the last Oji-Cree woman to live off the land, has received word that one of the two boys she saw off to the Great War has returned. Xavier Bird, her sole living relation, is gravely wounded and addicted to morphine. As Niska slowly paddles her canoe on the three-day journey to bring Xavier home, travelling through the stark but stunning landscape of Northern Ontario, their respective stories emerge—stories of Niska’s life among her kin and of Xavier’s horrifying experiences in the killing fields of Ypres and the Somme.

Not in a reading mood? How about some of my favourite films!

Indian Horse is now a movie.

Smoke Signals shaped my childhood.

Powwow Highway is amazing.

Reel Injun gets to the core of the history of Indigenous Cinema.

And Atanarjuat is arguably one of “the most indigenous films ever made”.

Happy Thanksgiving, lovelies! Support your local First Nations artists!

*I have met Lawrence and Eden. They are both very nice people. :)

**Huh, turns out my professor in the class I’m currently taking wrote this article.

(disclaimer: I am of settler descent, I am not Indigenous. I’ve grown up in Indigenous territories with lots of exposure to First Nations cultures, but I can’t claim that title for myself. I merely hope to uplift some First Nations artists and celebrate them, never to speak of behalf of Indigenous cultures <3)

[last-flight-of-fancy]

fatedeniedhope replied to your post “* sees people confused over various kh plot points * * is not people i...”

I would like yo know a bit. Only play kh 1 and chain of memories and half way to kh 2

oh boy there is a *lot* to cover here then!

I don’t mean that to sound intimidating, kh just has a tendency for long, sprawling interconnected plots (many of which are still unresolved even now)

i am also doing this entirely by memory, so if i’ve skimmed something i shouldn’t have its because my brain has stopped registering it as important; feel free to ask for clarification, i wrote this in one sitting because i was avoiding doing laundry XD

putting a cut because i am overviewing a Lot of game here and tbh there’s still a lot of stuff i am skimming or skipping entirely. I’m just trying to hit the highlights.

i don’t know where you stopped in 2, so i’m just gonna give a brief overview

-there is a boy named roxas

-he’s being hunted by these strangers called nobody’s

-things get weird

-turns out he’s sora’s nobody, as nobody’s are created when a person is turned into a heartless (which sora did during kh1)

-roxas returns to sora (”looks like my summer vacation is.. over...” whoops there goes my heart) and normal sora gameplay resumes.

-DIDNEY WORLDS

-turns out everyone forgot sora for a year bc of what happened in chain of memories (and also 358/2. dont worry about that yet we’ll get there). kairi sends out a bottle to “the boy she can’t remember��� trying to call him home. (yes this is important)

-organization 13 (all what? eight of them left?) pops up, xemnas is cryptic, and they say their goal is to recreate kingdom hearts via sora killing heartless, since apparently only killing heartless with a keyblade sends the trapped hearts to Kingdom Hearts

      -this version of the tale persists through 358 as well. it’s.. half right.

-bla bla bla, shenanigans. there’s ansem (the boss from kh1) and a guy named diz. That isn’t who either of them actually are. It’s actually Riku (who tapped too far into the darkness trying to capture roxas for the whole twilight town scenario at the beginning of the game, thus altering his appearance to look like the guy who posessed him for a bit) and THE ACTUAL ANSEM (ie, the ruler(?) of radient garden before it fell, and the guy heartless ansem stole his name from.

-anyways

-sora goes off searching for riku, bc as far as he knows, he’s still lost out in the darkness.

-he’s not, he’s fine, but he’s super embarrassed about the whole ‘looking like the enemy’ thing and won’t let sora find him.

-sora casually murders most of the remaining organization members (only most of whom shot first)

-this continues on until axel attempts to kidnap kairi, who ends up in twilight town for a bit hanging out with the hayner/pence/ollete trio, before being slightly more successfully kidnapped a second time.

-and then she gets kidnapped again by saix. Axel apologises to sora over this. in his defence, he’s pretty desperate at this point (he just wants his friend(s) back)

-sora storms The World That Never Was, kairi is rescued by Namine.

-the trio finally meets up (namine disapeared at some point? yknow, i actually dont recall what happened to her in between these scenes), sora and kairi share a slightly awkward but sweet hug, and after a moments trepidation over ‘Ansem’, kairi tells/shows him its riku, at which point sora bursts into tears.

-i ship a lot of ot3′s, but sorikai is the OG ot3

-anyways

-namine and roxas have a very symbolic moment refusing with their Other’s, Namine opens a portal back to destiny islands so they can go home.

-everyone except sora and riku make it through, and thus commences several final fantasy style boss fights

-they win, of course, riku’s injured in the line of battle, and they limp out, having traversed several realms during the course of this battle, they’re now trapped on a beach in the realm of darkness. it’s the same beach everyone else seems to end up on in this place. There is only one beach in the RoD apparently

-they stay there a while, and then they pick up a message in a bottle; it’s from kairi, “to the boy she can’t remember”

-Feelings make a door to the light open, and sora and riku fall like actual comets from the sky and everybody’s reunited and happy. huzzah!

-.... well for a while anyways.

-should i get into the whole xemnas/xehanort/ansem thing here?

-eh

-okay so

-lets swing back into Birth By Sleep for a bit

-(im sorry if kh can’t hit any of its plot points in order i think its fair neither do i)

-BBS takes place roughly nine years prior to kh1, with the exception of bbs’s prologue, which i would estimate as being an additional four years prior to that

-during said prologue, we meet Master Xehanort, an incredibly old dude with brown skin, gold eyes, and a white beard. even newcomers to the series will probably recognise that only one type of person gets those colours in these games.

-we also meet baby Ventus, Xehanorts apprentice. He looks exactly like Roxas.

-shenanigans happen, Xehanort splits Ven’s heart in two, creating Vanitas, who is Ventus’s darkness.

-Vanitas’ whole shtick is he wants to be reunited with Ventus, ostensibly to create the X-blade (yes it’s pronounced exactly the same as ‘keyblade’ and yes, every single kh fan ive ever talked to has found this annoying af)

-unfortunately being split in two like that puts ven in a coma, and xehanort takes the unresponiseve body to destiny islands to dump it like unwanted ravioli

-luckily for ven, “a brand new hear” hears his hurt and reaches out to help, filling out the gaps left in his and allowing him to start recovering

-the heart is sora

-actual, literal baby sora reaching out to help people before he can even walk yet. 

-the game never spells this out explicitly, which makes it an easy plot point to miss if you aren’t paying attention

-ven doesn’t recover immidietly though, and xehanort sends him to live with his old friend Master Eraqus and his two teenage apprentices, Aqua and Terra

-here’s where we time skip, ventus is fully recovered, terra and aqua are young adults and about to take their Mark Of Mastery exams for becoming keyblade masters.

-Terra fails because he has darkness in his heart and also xehanort rigged it against him

-aqua passes and becomes a master. I love her very much.

-terra journey’s out to try and figure out where the darkness comes from

-vanitas taunts ven saying terra’s leaving him bc ven’s stupid or something and ven panics and chases after him (he’s like 14 and has a bit of a hero worship thing, stupid decisions are par for the course)

-eraqus sends aqua out to both spy on terra (he words it nicer but thats the gist of it), which aqua doesn’t particularly like but trusts her masters judgement and does it, and bring ventus home, which she is more on board with

-the biggest tragedy in bbs is that no one talks to each other

-stuff happens, they learn some stuff, aqua’s route has So Many Lesbian Feels with every single princess she runs into it brings me great delight

-Ventus learns the whole ‘fight your darkness to become the X-blade’ plot, eraqus learns this too and tries to kill ven. Terra busts in at the last moment and saves ven, at this point using his dark powers fully.

-#terrawasright

-eraqus dies, which i don’t think terra fully intended to do (he just wanted to save ven) and if you recall the scene in kh1 where kairi catches a falling sora only for him to burst into a bunch of floating glitter? imagine that but with two grown men

-aqua’s just trying to figure out whats going on. she gets to meet kairi (saves her from some heartless and then puts a charm on her necklace to keep her safe) and then meets Mickey, who will be our future duex ex machina

-they all meet for the final battle.

-ven asks his friends to murder him

-no one does that

-what the fuck ven

-they fight, and a lot of stuff sorta happens at the same time

-1: terra fights xehanort, who has essentially been spending the whole game prepping terra to be his next host. xehanort is a body snatcher confirmed. xehanort wins, terra becomes the fanon-named terranort.

-2: ventus fights vanitas. vanitas reveals his face, and he looks exactly like a colour swapped version of sora. (also voiced by the same voice actor! it’s actually surprsingly difficult to notice this if you don’t have some kind of clue already because haley joel osment does and *amazing* job). ventus wins, the X-blade is not forged, but as a lot of this battle takes place in his heart, the effects are bad and ven falls into a coma (he reaches out once more, and another hearts answers. “you can stay here a while, I don’t mind” says the other heart. yes its fucking sora again. too good, too pure)

-3: aqua gets knocked out to start with, but then she fights vanitas controlling ventus’ body, which eventually gets sorted out. terra’s dissapeared at this point, and she takes a comatose ven and hides him in the land of departure, which she uses a secret mechanism to turn into Castle Oblivion (and thus, impossible to navigate  without her key)

-aqua goes to hunt down terra(nort), and finds him in radiant garden. they fight, aqua wins, but when he begins to sink into the darkness she sacrifices herself to save him (which is how he ends up as one of ansem’s apprentices and mostly without any memories)

-aqua will spend the next ten years in the realm of darkness

-bbs is such a goddam tragedy

-OKAY

-time to fast forward

-so sora and ven are connected, which is why vanitas and roxas look the way they do, which brings us to

-the case of xion

-and 358/2

-the worst game to play but my absolute favourite in terms of slow-burn pacing and emotionally investing you in the characters

-this game pretty much just deals with the year sora spent asleep, and the kids time in the organization.

-roxas wakes up with no memories, is inducted into the org, and told “kill heartless with your keyblade”. He’s more or less a zombie at first, and accepts this without question.

-a week later, a new member is introduced, named Xion, who also has a keyblade, and is also a zombie with no memories at first

-Axel, the org’s assassin, is basically told to babysit them both

-he’s not really into it at first, but those natural Big Brother instincts kick in Hard about five minutes later and from that point on he’s mostly just trying to keep them both alive.

-oh, also Lea, Axel’s somebody, met Ventus in bbs, so that was probably a little weird for him.

-as the game goes on and these kids essentially learn how to human and try to figure out what makes them different, the Big Plots stew in the background. Axel and Saix have some kind of plan that Axel apparently isn’t sticking to, and Axel questions his loyalties more as the game goes on and circumstances force him to choose between two kids Who Did Nothing Wrong, and his oldest friend.

-Xion learns they are a replica, a la Repliku, created as a backup to roxas if he could not fulfil his duty in creating kingdom hearts. their connection with roxas, and through him sora, has the unintended side effect of flitering memories and feelings into and through Xion.

-this is why putting sora back together takes so long

-Xion, between the pressure of being an org member in general, and the mental load from being caught between three+ people in a very literal sense, has a breakdown. Riku finds them, and despite a pretty rocky start between them, helps them through it.

-Xion leaves at two different points, the first time, Axel brings them back. “please don’t hold back, Axel. Promise.” “Everyone always thinks they’re right”

-excuse me i have to lay down again after thinking about how emotionally wrought this scene is.

-(the alternative is he has to kill them. he does everything he can to avoid that, but it’s clearly approaching an unsustainable situation; the org is running out of patience for dealing with the ‘clearly defective replica’, xion doesnt feel this situation is right, and axel just wants to keep everyone alive.

-yes typing ‘clearly defective replica’ physically hurt me. xion is a perfect bab and xemnas can fite me

-Xion leaves again

-Roxas, learning pieces of this but not all, runs away from the org. cue titular “no one would me” “that’s not true!” scene from 2

-(this leads to what is a hilariously depressing scene of roxas on the clocktower looking at his life and going “where could i even run to? I havent got anywhere to go” because he’s never known anything other than the organization and whoops i made myself sad again)

-namine explains to xion that sora can never wake up so long as they have his memories. The only way for them to release the memories is to die. It’s a hard decision.

-Xion meets roxas on the clocktower, feigns insanity, and goads him into fighting them (”do you see my face, roxas? is it a boys face? don’t you see. I have to make you a part of me too.”)

-cue more ff style boss fights

-xion dies

-look i can’t go into detail on this one i’ll start crying again, xion dies, everyone forgets they ever existed, and roxas gets to watch them shatter into dust in his arms.

-in the brief period where the memories are quickly vanishing but Not Quite Gone Yet roxas goes into a Roaring Rampage of Revenge and storms the World That Never Was

-this is where Riku catches up to him, and from there its a pretty straight shot into the beginning of kh2

-which im sure if you played these in chronological order would be *some kind of mood whiplash* i bet

-okay what have i missed

-recoded happened. the only important part here is that malificent and pete find out about the black box and malificent being malificent of course she Has To Have It

-”but whats the black box??” you ask

-good question

-we still dont know

-its  origin point is in KHUx though, 

-which is the multiplayer mobile game set during the Keyblade War of ages past. each weilder also has a companion dream eater named chirithy

-there are five unions, each headed by a leader and represented by an animal (unicorn, bear, snake, fox, and leopard)

-#anguisforlife

-these five (plus one more, named luxu) are each given roles by their master (the Master of Masters, or also known as MoM). He also tells them there is a traitor amongst the warriors of light. it’s unclear at this point how much of this he is directly steering. He also doesnt specifiy Which warriors of light, probably on purpose so everything happens as it should.

-so figure, trying to figure out who the traitor is is a pretty direct cause to no one trusting each other and eventually going for each others throats

-there is a page from the book of prophecies he gives only to luxu, who he tells that his role is to see the future with this Special Keyblade (and specifically the Eye in it). You might recognise it as xehanorts keyblade (and then you’ll start to see the Eye in a whole bunch of other ones too, notably in soul edge, way to dawn, and void gear)

-luxu fucks off, and everyone else goes about their business

-the first half of khux details how these unions came to  be rivals, and then how they fell into war with each other and destroyed the light. the second half detailed how Ava, leader of the fox union, created a fifth group known as the dandelions, specifically picked to survive the fall of the light and rebuild.

-ventus and lauriam are two of these leaders. No, we still don’t know how they got from one point to the other.

-one of the replacement leaders, strelitzia, got murdered and replaced by someone else. i think this plot point has been resolved in japan but i havent checked yet

-strelitzia is lauriam’s sister. she also knows elrena.

-and if you’re bad at anagraming like i am, lauriam=marluxua, and elrena=larxene

-so yeah figure that one out for me

-also i love strelitzia she has like two scenes total and i was already ludicrously attached help

-(Yes i screamed very hard during that One Scene in 3. we dont even see her face but it’s heerrrrrrrr)

-anyways

-right the black box

-luxu is seen carrying it off in the Back Cover movie as he wanders into exile. we still dont know whats in it. and that’s basically that.

-which leaves just Dream Drop Distance

-sora and riku take a Highly Modified mark of master exam under yen sid.

-things go wrong almost immidietly

-sora gets trapped by the xehanorts in a deep sleep, where they plan to use him as one of their 13 vessels of darkness

-there has to be 13 for some reason

-13 darknesses, and 7 lights, and when they clash it’ll make the X-blade

-because reasons

-it’s fate or something

-riku rescues him

-there is time travel involved now

-because at this point the 13 darkness now include; heartless ansem, master xehanort, xemnas, young xehanort, xigbar, and saix.

-more time travel will be involved later, but to keep this in mind the rules of time travel here are

     -you cannot take your body with you

     -you lose any future knowledge you gain if and when you return

-things are obviously wibbly here because it’s half in the dreamscape, but just. keep those rules in mind when you play 3.

....... im sure im missing a bunch but i just spent two hours writing the most casual pre-kh3 synopsis ever i hope you can forgive me XD

[saintbaselshouse]

What happens when you write

(By someone who is not a traditional writer or even published yet)

This Sunday marks two years of writing every day. It was a pre-NaNoWriMo challenge. "why haven't you written that book yet?" So, I wrote that book in 30 days, then I moved on to another one...and another one...and another one. That became a lot more than just books, and I learned some things (not that you have to care, but I've been thinking about it because it's been two WHOLE years...and that's a long time.)

1. English is not a mystical language.

It just isn't. We've stolen pretty much all of it, so there's no reason not to bastardize it as much as you want. There's a post going around where Jeff Goldblum says there's no good or bad taste just your taste. He's right. Fuck people who want things to be "well-written" without ever describing what that is--as if they only read something written by someone who has an English degree from a "prestigious" institution. Listen, y'all. If you like it, that's good enough. How you talk is how you talk. How you write is how you write. The end. (Case in point. This post will have typos. We'll all live.)

2. "BUT PEOPLE HAVE TO BE TOLD WHEN THEY'RE WRONG"

Dude, they probably already know. Plus, Google is free. I looked shit up. I looked up how to use a semicolon, how to punctuate dialogue, how to not overuse commas. Like Jesus H Christ. Can't we just let people write their stories?

3. You will change your mind.

My first book was in past tense for like 10 pages. Then I changed my mind. Oh well. I had a plan for my story. I accidentally shipped the mains after 15 pages. Oh well. I changed villains. Oh well. I added characters. Oh well. Your outline will stop working because you think, "oh, I should do that." DO IT!!! What's stopping you? Honestly? Put 50 characters in your books. Who cares? I wrote five books and went, "I should edit those," then changed my mind and write 25 more before I actually EDITED the first book. Oh well. You have works in progress you never finished? Oh well, they'll get done. You can do something else. The gods of writing won't ooze out of Oxford, Mississippi wearing a night watchman's uniform and smite you.

4. Big words are stupid

I said it. Big words are stupid. You know when to use one, but not because "It fits the situation." Big words have to be themed. They've got to be there for a reason. Some character says persnickety all the time. Cool. You just writing in big words to look smart. Not cool.

5. Write other things

You can turn one book into a wall of canon bigger than Dune if you write poems, short stories, and other things that accompany your work. "I want to write the great American novel like Hemingway or Fitzgerald." No you don't bc, quite frankly, they aren't that great. You know who's great? You! You want to write a long ass series that never ends. DO IT. That's better than praying you can squeeze everything into one book and then set it aside because "that's how professionals do it."

6. Cliches are not all bad

I'm so damn tired of hearing about how cliches ruin writing. Like, dude, we all do cliche things ALL THE TIME. At what point are you just going to go, "that's sappy, that's cliche, and it's true."

7. You only get a style by writing

I have a style. I mean, now I do. I used to have some words on a page, and they slowly became a style over the course of like, shit I don't know, 550,000 words. Like it takes time. Writing a draft in 30 days is great, but you have to write often to make a style work. For more than 30 days. (However, I acknowledge that I'm crazy and writing literally every day is nuts, but it's good for me. It's like journaling.)

8. Write about real people

Base a character on a real person. Tell them about it. Let them decide things about that character. Then, you know, make them look like the superhero you know they are. That's honestly my favorite thing.

9. Everything is unrealistic

I'm down for trying to write something realistic, but I mean, you can't hit every nail on the head. Things will slip through the cracks. You know those people who watch TV and are screenshotting going "they obviously didn't readjust that necklace between takes because it's in the wrong position?" That shit's boring af. Can we just enjoy things? If something about your story isn't dead on just remember that literally nothing is written perfectly. You can poke a hole in anything. My wife has a degree in theology. Picking apart THE BIBLE for God's sake. You don't have to be perfect.

10. Be a fan of your own work

You're allowed to like your own stuff. That is why you wrote it, isn't it? Hating your own material is just a way for old white men to convince you that they did it better. Pride is good. Be proud of yourself.

Now you can see how I wrote every day for two years straight because that's a lot of words. Anyways, I hope this helps someone. Whatever you want to say. Say it. It's worth hearing.

[allofthisnonsenseplease]

firesonic152 - 08/04/2017 That's actually kind of a fun idea :oo reaper and 76 having no prior history

SuspiciousPopsicle - 08/04/2017 What would cause them to start interacting, tho? And what would they be fighting for? If they weren't in SEP & Overwatch together, the fall of OW leaves them no bitter enmity. oooh...what if Reaper was with Talon all along, Jack was with Overwatch, shit i was gonna say they got interested in each other but didn't realize, but that wouldn't work until post fall

firesonic152 - 08/04/2017 Yeah I was thinking like Jack doing his thing in overwatch the whole time and gabe being in Talon the whole time And not crossing paths until post fall I mean they knew OF each other before that But didn't interact until after

SuspiciousPopsicle - 08/04/2017 right, right. but if they met each other with just their regular personas, and, like, i dunno, started bitching about the state of the world today and what's it all come to and they have grumpy old men feeding birds in the park dates before they find out that one is Reaper and the other is Soldier 76

firesonic152 - 08/04/2017 ahahaha awwwwww gabe figures out who jack is pretty quickly just based on context clues and the fact that jack gives a total of zero fucks

SuspiciousPopsicle - 08/04/2017 finds out he's 76, you mean? 'cause i always feel like once he hits that point, he gives a lot of fucks about not being recognized as strike commander morrison. not that he's any good at hiding it. XD

firesonic152 - 08/04/2017 YEAH 76 not sc i feel like in this version of events gabe wouldn't know jack's face well enough to identify him as the former sc awww they'd be so cute tho, just sitting on a park bench together, jack grumbling at the birds but still feeding them anyway gabe shaking his head, utterly amused, and pointing out that the bread crumbs jack's been giving them are terrible for the ducks that have been coming around jack just replies with a  grumpy "fuck them"

SuspiciousPopsicle - 08/04/2017 XD Jack, you bastard! What if, despite Talon, Gabe is still somehow more idealistic than Jack? Like, he thinks the path to making the world a better place lies in siding with this group at least for a while, but Jack just thinks everything has gone to shit and there's barely any point.

firesonic152 - 08/04/2017 awwww QoQ their light conversation about the birds suddenly seems to be a big metaphor for much darker things

SuspiciousPopsicle - 08/04/2017 whoopsy daisy! XD

firesonic152 - 08/04/2017 gabe counters jack's nihilistic attitude towards the birds (and apparently everything else) with some optimism and jack just kinda gives him a sideways glance asks in his grumbly coarse way, "what well-meaning conman fed you such convincing bullshit?" gabe wonders, silently, why someone who has been beaten down this much by the world is still fighting for it

SuspiciousPopsicle - 08/04/2017 Maybe he realizes that Jack isn't--he's not part of a group fighting for something bigger, he's working on his own and largely protecting small communities from gangs that move in. The thought makes him laugh, because it seems like, deep down, maybe Jack isn't quite so different...it's just the scale of what they see in front of them. ((like, i typed all that up assuming that Gabe is offing threats while in Talon and trying to do good while using them--possibly with the goal of getting rid of Talon itself once he's done))

firesonic152 - 08/04/2017 qoq and then the time finally comes when one of gabe's missions for talon involves innocents as collateral damage and soldier 76 shows up

SuspiciousPopsicle - 08/04/2017 IN THE NAME OF THE MOON, HE'LL--no sorry wrong series

firesonic152 - 08/04/2017 LOLLLLLL gabriel doesn't want to fight him so he tries to reason the big picture and all

SuspiciousPopsicle - 08/04/2017 NOPE

firesonic152 - 08/04/2017 but jack morrison is done with big pictures

SuspiciousPopsicle - 08/04/2017 this is the core argument for the season i just finished fyi

firesonic152 - 08/04/2017 omg what a coincidence

SuspiciousPopsicle - 08/04/2017 lol anyways Reaper being all 'You can't be so naive! Things aren't black and white, and there's no way to move forward without sacrifices.' Jack is just FUCK YOUR SACRIFICES EVERYTHING SUCKS ALREADY DON'T GO MAKING IT WORSE

firesonic152 - 08/04/2017 jack will take your ideals and KICK THEM IN THE GODDAMN FACE BEFORE BURNING THEM he wrestles gabe to the ground and snarls that he will die before he lets fucking talon harm a single hair on a child's head and gabriel should be fighting for his life but he kind of falls a little in love right then and there

SuspiciousPopsicle - 08/04/2017 d'awww are we playing this serious, or does Gabe arch suggestively beneath him and tell Jack that if he wants to save anyone he's gonna have to come up with one hell of a distraction?

firesonic152 - 08/04/2017 omgggggg jack freezes, caught between his total of two emotions he's been too spiteful to be thirsty the past several years

SuspiciousPopsicle - 08/04/2017 OH GOD GABE/REAPER HAS IT ALL

firesonic152 - 08/04/2017 LOL jack doesn't give in - not yet, anyway, not this time - but gabe can see that he wants to he can work with that

SuspiciousPopsicle - 08/04/2017 JACK BEING A THIRSTY FUCK

firesonic152 - 08/04/2017 for now, gabe's willing to count jack's several seconds of indecision as a victory

SuspiciousPopsicle - 08/04/2017 lol He tells Jack he'll concede this time since Jack's reaction was so intriguing. Jack can HEAR him smirking, and it pisses him off.

firesonic152 - 08/04/2017 especially because goddammit that's attractive,,, FUCK,,, he's just a little too slow with his next punch. gabe is already wisping away

SuspiciousPopsicle - 08/04/2017 hahaha what if, back on the bench later on, Jack REALLY AWKWARDLY propositions Gabe and claims it's 'cause he needs to take the edge off. XD

firesonic152 - 08/04/2017 omggggg JACK YOU USELESS HORNY MOTHERFUCKER too lazy to rub one out himself, has to fuckin proposition his bro dude

SuspiciousPopsicle - 08/04/2017 like, he doesn't even really mean to, he just opens his big stupid mouth and the words fall out all over each other

firesonic152 - 08/04/2017 XDDDDDD

SuspiciousPopsicle - 08/04/2017 hey, handling it himself just isn't the same. XD

firesonic152 - 08/04/2017 XDDD gabe hates that when he tries to say no because terrible idea all that comes out is a snarky "your place or mine?"

SuspiciousPopsicle - 08/04/2017 XD

firesonic152 - 08/04/2017 "or," he amends, patting the bench, "if you don't care about having an audience..."

SuspiciousPopsicle - 08/04/2017 i'm still trying to come up with what Jack would say, and so far the best vote is 'What are you doing tonight? I need to get wrecked in the worst way.' orz i guess this is still him giving zero fucks XD

firesonic152 - 08/04/2017 omg jackieeeee bee gabe starts accidentally going on a snarky ramble bc he's,, actually kinda nervous and jack just gets tired of the bullshit and smooches his face

SuspiciousPopsicle - 08/04/2017 !! ^^ smooches him good, pulls back just a bit and cups him thru his jeans and asks, voice low 'you interested or not?' AND SUDDENLY THE TABLES HAVE BEEN TURNED XD

firesonic152 - 08/04/2017 gabriel, all starstruck, breathes a "y-yeah" and lets jack drag him off the bench gabriel assumes jack takes him back to his safe house, but it's admittedly kind of a blur given that all he could look at the entire time was jack's ass

SuspiciousPopsicle - 08/04/2017 it's like watching a real, live lego man, he thinks

firesonic152 - 08/04/2017 AHAHAHA am i really this fucking hyped to wreck that stupid rectangle? goddammit i really REALLY AM

SuspiciousPopsicle - 08/04/2017 X'D they balance each other out so well this time XD

firesonic152 - 08/04/2017 XDDDD gabe wakes up out of his trance when he's suddenly lying in jack's bed with a ripped as all hell grump on top of him

SuspiciousPopsicle - 08/04/2017 c'mon Gabe, get with the program!! Wake up and give him something to remember next time you come on to him in your goth persona!

firesonic152 - 08/04/2017 LOLLLL fondle the boobs man just DO IT

SuspiciousPopsicle - 08/04/2017 Gabe makes Jack VERY happy that he asked

firesonic152 - 08/04/2017 especially when things inevitably get rough and jack is Very pleasantly surprised that gabe can keep up more than keep up, really not many people can hold him down so easily if he weren't so out of his mind from it, he might think it strange another thing he didn't think through due to his intense Thirst........ he just brought a relative stranger back to his safe house smart move jack

SuspiciousPopsicle - 08/04/2017 lol OH WELL IT'S ONLY GABE WHAT'S THE WORST THAT COULD HAPPEN ((Reaper waiting there for him the next night with a rose clipped int he mouth of his mask))

firesonic152 - 08/04/2017 LOLLLL GABE!!!

SuspiciousPopsicle - 08/04/2017 XD

firesonic152 - 08/04/2017 you motherfucker XDDDD

SuspiciousPopsicle - 08/04/2017 nah, nah. then the game would be over too soon altho, if 76 shows up next time and is all 'haha you thought i'd go for you, but I got my kicks elsewhere thanks, so fuck off with your noise' I kinda feel like he'd want some sort of petty revenge

firesonic152 - 08/04/2017 omgggggg YOU FOOL YOU PLAYED YOURSELF my favorite phrase is relevant once again XDDDD maybe he shows off his most Sexy (tm) assets while being like "oh so you really want none of this ???" reaper: spawns one (1) tentacle 76: throws down his gun, immediately surrenders

SuspiciousPopsicle - 08/04/2017 X''''''D JACK NO YOU TOOK STEPS TO PREVENT THIS

firesonic152 - 08/04/2017 he cannot resist the Tentacle tho it is jack's ultimate weakness gabe finds out about this by accident, of course

SuspiciousPopsicle - 08/04/2017 At the park next time, Gabe casually asks if Jack needs him again, thinking smugly that of course he does. But Jack is just. 'Listen. Last time isn't gonna cut it. I need you to fuck me up, understand??' Jack's way of asking to be saved from himself lol

firesonic152 - 08/04/2017 OMG AKJNDFKADNFADF gabe is a little taken aback but is like YES SIR jack fists his collar and his eyes are kinda wild and scary and gabe is way too into it and he snarls "i don't think you get it. i need you to fuck me up. are we clear?"

SuspiciousPopsicle - 08/04/2017 XD get it gabe!

firesonic152 - 08/04/2017 this is when gabe finds out that jack is into some Shit but oh god gabe miscalculated. jack is sleeping with him to avoid sleeping with.... him. also he really wants to see how wild jack would get if he brought out the tentacles for real. but he can't do that. yet.

SuspiciousPopsicle - 08/04/2017 XD But wait. What if Jack tells Gabe 'Sorry, but you just don't have the right equipment to give me what I need.' and Gabe is just 'exCUSE ME???'

firesonic152 - 08/04/2017 KJSNFASKDJFN "YOU'RE GONNA HATE ME FOR THIS BUT I HOPE IT'S NOT ENOUGH TO MAKE YOU NOT WANNA FUCK ME ANYMORE BUT--" omg gabe feeling weirdly gratified when he's fooling around w 76 as reaper but 76 says his name, not knowing it's him

SuspiciousPopsicle - 08/04/2017 omgomg XD Jaaaaack.... wanting Gabe but needing those tentacles....u bad thing

firesonic152 - 08/04/2017 emotionally needs gabe but the rest of him just wants to get wrecked enough to forget everything that's ever happened to him omg ahhh but this whole time gabe didn't know he was sc!! he just knows jack has a chip on his shoulder for some reason

SuspiciousPopsicle - 08/04/2017 ahhh you're right what if...with the needs of his body being met, Jack slowly starts to open up to Gabe? Particularly after they've been together. It's never as rough as with Reaper, Gabe will draw things out to make him beg or cry, and Jack always ends up feeling a different sort of exhausted wrapped up in Gabe's arms afterward. (idc if Gabe does know about Jack--Gabe's a cuddler! XD)

SuspiciousPopsicle - 08/05/2017 okay, i LITERALLY just laid down to go to bed, but i pulled my computer back out to send you this before i forget it. What if the Strike Commander position really was just a figurehead? Like, if Jack had far less power than he's made out to hold? Like, the UN is in charge of what missions are accepted, how many personnel are approved to go, what weapons they can have, how long they can fight before they're recalled and it's writen off. Jack is basically the middle man, there to handle small problems that crop up and relay orders from the top and to be a fall guy, but, really, he isn't supposed to do anything without their approval. okay night night <3

firesonic152 - 08/05/2017 yeah no wonder Jack is filled with hatred LOL As they're cuddling one night, Jack admits quietly, "I used to be someone important." He laughs without humor. "Least, they let me think I was."

How would Gabe react to finding out Jack was sc :thinking: probably sympathetically, given Jack's previous rambles/rants about how his job was a shitshow and he was pretty useless in a lot of cases but I want drama so hmmmmmm

SuspiciousPopsicle - 08/05/2017 What if gabe had a shot at joining SEP, but the last available slot was given to this Jack Morrison asshole who later became SC? Also, I guess Gabe doesn't know Jack's last name, apparently? XD

firesonic152 - 08/05/2017 omg!!!! LOL yeah Jack probably wouldn't give it up so easily He's shitty at stealth, not stupid...... actually wait he is kinda dumb BUT HE HAS..... some...... common sense??????

SuspiciousPopsicle - 08/05/2017 XD just a smidge. we wouldn't want to get carried away.

firesonic152 - 08/05/2017 .... self loathing, that's what he has doesn't wanna be attached to that name anymore there we go XDD

SuspiciousPopsicle - 08/05/2017 lol perfect.

firesonic152 - 08/05/2017 Jack lets something slip and Gabe finally puts it together Gabe sits upright and stares. "Wait. You're Jack.... Morrison? Like...." Jack waits for the inevitable vitriol, tense and looking away. "The Jack Morrison who took my SEP slot?" This was not the accusation Jack was expecting. His head turns to stare at Gabe "What?"

SuspiciousPopsicle - 08/05/2017 XD SUCK IT JACK YOU DID EVERYTHING WRONG AND THEN SOME!!

firesonic152 - 08/05/2017 LOLLL "You stole my shot at fame and glory!" Gabe accuses, a hint of a grin pulling on his lips, unable to keep up the charade. "Fuck you, man."

Jack shifts uneasily, caught between Gabe's good natured reaction and his reflex to use anything and everything as fuel for his self loathing

"For what it's worth, it was a pretty shitty gig," he finally offers.

"A year of potentially lethal injections and near-fatal side effects, then a short stint actually helping during the crisis, and then just..." He visibly wilts. "Years... Decades, actually, of being a puppet."

SuspiciousPopsicle - 08/05/2017 jack. jaaaaaaaaaaaaaack. stop. enough.

firesonic152 - 08/05/2017 He loves to party that jack Always throwing pity parties for himself

SuspiciousPopsicle - 08/05/2017 lol

firesonic152 - 08/05/2017 I can't find a party hat emoji :((

SuspiciousPopsicle - 08/05/2017 huh. lame.

firesonic152 - 08/05/2017 Well there's these :tada::tada::tada::tada::confetti_ball::confetti_ball::confetti_ball: Close enough Oh here's the drama(??). Now that Gabe knows the full extent of Jack's identity, he Definitely cannot reveal his own

SuspiciousPopsicle - 08/05/2017 :tada: :disappointed_relieved: :birthday:

firesonic152 - 08/05/2017 LOL

SuspiciousPopsicle - 08/05/2017 there. a pity party.

firesonic152 - 08/05/2017 Perfect

SuspiciousPopsicle - 08/05/2017 why does that change things? he already knew Jack was 76 and kinda burnt out on the big fight while still having some trace of his ideals left.

firesonic152 - 08/05/2017 Tru :thinking: Maybe just the fact that like. Before this Gabe didn't really consider 76 an enemy of Talon specifically and more just a general hazard to look out for. But the strike commander was absolutely an enemy of Talon, and that's a dangerous position to be in. If anyone else in Talon found out Jack Morrison is still alive, it'd be bad news for Jack

SuspiciousPopsicle - 08/05/2017 You think he'd try to talk Jack out of seeing Reaper?

firesonic152 - 08/05/2017 omg Maybe he just casually like... "So if you were strike commander you fought against Talon right....?" That Gabriel, smooth as silk

SuspiciousPopsicle - 08/05/2017 lol 'and...this other guy...the well-equipped one...isn't he with Talon?'

firesonic152 - 08/05/2017 LOL NICE Gbe ... What happened phone *GABE Jack sends Gabe a sharp sideways glance, keen enough to realize Gabe has an ulterior motive with this line of questioning but too dumb (lbr) to figure out what it is

SuspiciousPopsicle - 08/05/2017 maybe he thinks it's just good old fashioned jealousy? XD

firesonic152 - 08/05/2017 LOL yeah he would

SuspiciousPopsicle - 08/05/2017 or would that be a stretch, given his low self-worth?

firesonic152 - 08/05/2017 he has zero sense of self worth in terms of his value as a person but he still has a realistic sense of his worth in bed XDD Probably thinks Gabe is jealous as a bed partner, not anything more

SuspiciousPopsicle - 08/05/2017 oh. that would be funny if it wasn't so sad.

firesonic152 - 08/05/2017 :)) "Are you..." Gabe hesitates, trying to remember how much he's supposed to know question did Jack fuck reaper yet I forget XDD

SuspiciousPopsicle - 08/05/2017 yeah. tentacles.

firesonic152 - 08/05/2017 >||3c

SuspiciousPopsicle - 08/05/2017 like, i don't think Reaper went full on tentacles--at least not  the first time--but Jack had tentacles and ran back to Gabe in the hopes that getting Fucked Up would keep him from wanting the tentacles. Spoiler alert: it Did Not.

firesonic152 - 08/05/2017 LOLLL LITTLE DOES HE KNOW Gabe bringing up reaper is digging up some unwanted desires for Jack so he cuts off the conversation with a meaningfully heated kiss "I slept with him once," Jack admits breathily when he pulls away, staring at Gabe's mouth. "It was fun but..." god damn was it fun "I'm lying in bed with you right now aren't I?"

SuspiciousPopsicle - 08/05/2017 Jack, that's not exactly...I mean, kudos for not lying, but... XD

firesonic152 - 08/05/2017 he's baiting :eyes: Simultaneously assuring Gabe that he has his attention while also leaving open the possibility of someone else stealing him away so that Gabe is incited to do what he can to get rid of that as an option

SuspiciousPopsicle - 08/05/2017 Smarter than he looks. =/ XD

firesonic152 - 08/05/2017 Only when it comes to thirst LOL :heart: Gabriel hates that even though his rival in this situation is himself, Jack's gambit still works He bears down on top of Jack, pressing Jack's back into the mattress as he kisses him Covering Jack's body with his own. A possessive move. Jack doesn't bother hiding his satisfaction. Man so if Jack didn't have Gabriel during that whole stretch of time from sep to end of overwatch... He never had any significant romantic relationships At least I can't imagine he would have had any success in that area? Just a whole lot of meaningless hookups when he could manage it AHAHA God he's gonna suck at this Gabriel probably had a few crushes and things but not anything terribly significant either

SuspiciousPopsicle - 08/05/2017 Oh, dear. Jack is at even MORE of a disadvantage than usual.

firesonic152 - 08/05/2017 Gabe asks him on a date and he combusts

SuspiciousPopsicle - 08/05/2017 Jack: You want...what? [cannot process. does not compute] Jack:...WHY???

firesonic152 - 08/05/2017 LOLLL Jack: date... like........ sex but with rose petals on the bed??? Gabe: no like I want to take you to a nice restaurant Jack, struggling: to......... to do some kind of semi-public thing or Gabe: Gabe: looks at the camera

SuspiciousPopsicle - 08/05/2017 X'''''''''''D Jack: but...i'm already sleeping with you. you don't have to...uhh...earn it.

firesonic152 - 08/05/2017 dkakdkakxka at which point Gabe realizes this is a deep dark pit he's uncovered

SuspiciousPopsicle - 08/05/2017 OH ONLY JUST NOW REALIZING IS HE? Gabe starts actually feeling bad for Jack oh shit. what if it translates into Reaper being more gentle, too? And Jack is just: ???????????i came for tentacles?? not sweetness???? haha unintended double entendre

firesonic152 - 08/05/2017 LOLL djakcjakczlx Gabe is in too deep - said Jack never >||3c

SuspiciousPopsicle - 08/05/2017 pffffffffffffffft X'''''''''''''''''''''D

firesonic152 - 08/05/2017 ghhhhhh what if gabe asking jack out on a proper date freaks jack out a little bit so he does a quick calculation and decides taking his chances with reaper is better than risking further romantic advances at the moment and starts avoiding gabriel in favor of reaper (AGAIN, LITTLE DOES HE KNOW LOL)

SuspiciousPopsicle - 08/05/2017 omg omgomg And he's like, well, at least I don't have to worry about the bloodthirsty mercenary expecting anything but a quick fuck from me. Except, instead of examining his life choices, he just blindly follows Reaper out of the end of a firefight and into a nearby safehouse...which happens to be stocked with an easily reheated, nice homemade meal, a bottle of wine, and some flickering LED candles in the bedroom.

firesonic152 - 08/06/2017 LOL JACK U FOOL!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD GET FUCKED UP YOU THOUGHT!!!!!!

SuspiciousPopsicle - 08/06/2017 well, he can, but with a nice meal and some romantic lighting. XD

firesonic152 - 08/06/2017 XDDD jack walks in, sees the romantic setup, and has to do more mental math tentacles.... versus romance............ give him a moment, he's not very good at math

SuspiciousPopsicle - 08/06/2017 XD COME ON JACK YOU KNOW THOSE TENTACLES ARE WORTH IT

firesonic152 - 08/06/2017 AHAHAHA

SuspiciousPopsicle - 08/06/2017 jeezus. it's only the romance that's dubcon. XD

firesonic152 - 08/06/2017 XDDDDD GABE JUST WANTS TO TREAT U RIGHT JACKIE JESUS jack jokes, only a tiny bit of discomfort in his voice, that he hopes the big bad reaper hasn't gone and fallen for a worn down old soldier. reaper doesn't deny it.

SuspiciousPopsicle - 08/06/2017 oh. my. god. ;_; dude. not cool. upsetting.

firesonic152 - 08/06/2017 :kissing_heart:

SuspiciousPopsicle - 08/06/2017 don't you kissy face me

firesonic152 - 08/06/2017 :kissing_closed_eyes:

SuspiciousPopsicle - 08/06/2017 LOOK HERE what does Jack do next while that silence is growing longer and more fraught with meaning?

firesonic152 - 08/06/2017 laugh nervously and try to goad reaper into throwing him into a wall?

SuspiciousPopsicle - 08/06/2017 think he'd get pissed? I mean, as angry and full of spite and self-loathing as this Jack is, when confronte with something he doesn't like, anger or violence seem likely modes of rejection.

firesonic152 - 08/06/2017 absolutely yeahhh gabe is a stealthy dude he just likes birds man anyway jack of course gets pissed at the show of affection from reaper of all people and gabriel's heart hurts jack wants to start a fight, wants to get fucked up, but gabriel doesn't think he can do it anymore

SuspiciousPopsicle - 08/06/2017 oh lord. is it the big reveal? !!!! wait wait! what if Jack started an argument with him and took off, then went to go find Gabe. Rather than let Jack bait him into another fight, Gabe goes along with it and gives Jack what he wants, but pulls out his Reaper-y tentacle powers while they're in the middle of things in the hopes that Jack will be too overwhelmed and needy to run straightaway.

firesonic152 - 08/06/2017 :OOO!!! risque

SuspiciousPopsicle - 08/06/2017 As soon as Jack realizes what's going on, he roars at Gabe to stop, and of course Gabe does. He lets Jack rail at him for a moment until Jack's anger turns inward, and he bitterly says that he should have noticed, should have picked up on all the little hints. He covers his eyes with his arm and mutters that Gabe smelled like him, but he hadn't wanted to think.... He asks 'Why?' and his voice is a broken croak. Was it all a ruse? Has he been tricked? To what end? Gabe learned he was Strike Commander, but nothing's come of that information, so WHY?? He jumps when Gabe reaches out to stroke his cheek.

'Nothing I've done with you has been false,' Gabe says.

Jack groans. He hasn't moved from beneath Gabe, but he can't be comfortable, and he's still hard.

'Do you want me to continue?' Gabe asks. When Jack only nods, grimacing, he holds back. 'Say it clearly for me.'

'Just fuck me for God's sake!'

Gabe is gentle. So very, very gentle, but aside from that, he gives Jack everything he asks for, everything he demands in his breathless cries.

firesonic152 - 08/06/2017 kjfnakdfjakjnfkjsdnfadf b o ys afterwards, jack just watches gabe for awhile. it's searching, a little on the intense side. gabriel finally asks what jack's doing, and jack shrugs, looks away self-consciously. "was just wondering," he says. his voice is thick. he clears his throat and continues, "if you'd been in sep with me. just wondering what our lives would be like."

SuspiciousPopsicle - 08/06/2017 fffffffffffff

firesonic152 - 08/06/2017 LITTLE!!! DOES HE KNOW!!!!!!!!!!!

SuspiciousPopsicle - 08/06/2017 Gabe, reaching out to take his hand and kiss his knuckles: I'd've had more time to make you happy.

firesonic152 - 08/06/2017 MELTING GABRIEL MARRY ME jack manages to not recoil and is a little taken aback by the warmth in his chest

SuspiciousPopsicle - 08/06/2017 he's bothered to think that he might be starting to want that. particularly since he doesn't think it's going to last, or that it might not even be real. he gathers his things and leaves, needing to think. To his slight surprise, Reaper and Gabe--he still can't quite think of them as the same person--give him his space. He sees Reaper during fights, but Reaper never approaches him, actually takes out an enemy or two that had been aiming for Jack. He avoids the park where he met Gabe, but when he passes by the safe house--not planning to go in, it was just where he ended up wandering--there are flowers left on the doorstep.

firesonic152 - 08/06/2017 CLUTCHES CHEST after so many years of being gutted by governments and media and every organization under the sun, is it really okay for him to give gabriel a hollowed out shell?

SuspiciousPopsicle - 08/06/2017 ; ; so when he's ready--and he doesn't feel ready, but he misses the way Gabriel touched him and spoke to him and, damn it all, just the way Gabriel looked at him--he goes back to where it started--the park bench. He waits. It takes a while, of course. He's been avoiding Gabe for days, but eventually, Gabe comes strolling down the path. He manages to not show surprise at the sight of Jack there, but maybe in the way he sighs quietly when he sits down, the way his shoulders lots their tension, the way he leans forward, elbows braced on his knees...maybe somewhere in all of that Jack can believe that Gabriel is relieved to see him.

firesonic152 - 08/06/2017 QOQ there are so many things jack wants to say, so many caveats about how he's got nothing left to offer gabe but he wants to try anyway, about how he doesn't know what he's doing (and if he's being honest, he's scared) but he's starting to think maybe that's okay, about how he has so many regrets but if this was the path he had to take to find gabe then it's all been worth it, and a million other self-deprecating and grateful things. but it's too much all at once. maybe he'll get around to them one at a time later. for now he just manages a quiet "sorry," and then "i want to try. if... if you still want to."

SuspiciousPopsicle - 08/06/2017 'Even though I'm the Reaper?' It's only barely a question. Jack hesitates, then nods. 'Haven't quite forgiven you for hiding that. You've known about me for a while. Can't promise I won't try to take a little revenge next time we meet on opposing sides.' He's more relieved than he'll ever admit when Gabe chuckles at that. 'Fair enough.'

firesonic152 - 08/06/2017 YAYYY HAPPY ENDING although gabe still works for talon awks

SuspiciousPopsicle - 08/06/2017 lol they'll work it out. or kill each other. either way.

firesonic152 - 08/06/2017 the real jack morrison would never pass up a chance to die

SuspiciousPopsicle - 08/06/2017 lol Gabe will give him many small deaths

firesonic152 - 08/06/2017 >||3c