#anyway im allowed to post this because like well firstly why wouldnt i be

[skyburger]

i know their asses are fake music fans i know wamuu has never heard a single george michael song hes never even heard wake me up before you go-go. esidisi doesnt even KNOW about highway to hell. kars is also there

[fzhrrr]

Of career, family, and love life.

I cant believe that Im now at a point of deciding for my future. The biggest decision I had to make was 7 years ago after SPM, tryna figure out what course to take and which scholarship shall i apply for. The next 7 years was sealed on me dedicating my life to pursue medicine, and now that’s done and dusted.

I found myself at this heavy junction again, having to make a decision that will determine not just the next 7 years of my life, but probably the rest of it.

Upon graduating from college, I now need to apply for my housemanship, which is basically 2 years of compulsory training as a doctor. Some facts that might help you understand this better.

1. There are 6 rotations for housemanship; o&g, paediatrics, medical, surgical, emergency med and orthopaedics. Each lasting for 4 months. so 6x24 makes its 24 months which is 2 years.

2. You might get extended in those posting for another 2 months, so 2x6, brings us to an additional 1 year. ( Reasons for extension are highly variable)

3. All hospitals in Malaysia is known to have a malignant department. It is never set in stone that if you’re the best student in your class, your housemanship would be smooth sailing.

4. You can only change hospital in the same state, after 1 year of working.

5. You are the lowest of the lowest in the hospital food chain. Eating, sleeping, going back home in time for dinner would be a luxury.

Anyway.

5 years ago I was pretty set on doing my ho in Sabah. They have nice places to visit there, the allowance is big, and there’s no better time to work hard and earn money than the beginning of your career. However, when Dad started falling ill, I was then determined that I should/will/must do my ho in hukm. At least I could take care of him whenever he’s admitted. On nights when he’s lonely, I could just wear my white coat and doze off at his bedside. If mom is not feeling well, i’ll be around and be the first one to attend to her needs. I was away for so long, its now my time to stay home.

But a few things have changed since. Each with big consequences, that i feel so torn apart being pulled in so many directions.

Firstly Dad died. I wont even go to the emotional roller coaster this has caused me, but he died. Even before i got to take care of him. Even before i came home as a doctor. I looked at my mom and in my heart i feel there’s no way i would leave her now. But my relationship with mom was never really good to begin with. What keeps me safeguarding her is my personal conscience and responsibility as a daughter, rarely out of love. She was never really happy with what I do. Of the few months that I am properly home, she supported me, helped me out with my own chores (yes, even at 25) when i had a job and she mothered well. But i also have this itch that she never really liked me. With dad being no longer around, she dominates the whole vibe in the house. She would comment on every single thing i do; the clothes i wear, the route i chose when taking her out, the food i eat, the friends i see- because I am living with her under the same roof, she has this sense of control over me. Which of course i am very uncomfortable with, and which i also know, wont be a problem in the first place, if im not constantly home.

I also do understand at 25 years old, this is the point of my life where i need to serve my family. Before I ran out of parents to serve.

Ok, thats the family situation

So the second thing to consider is A. It just so happened in my last year of med school i fell in love with a guy from Muar. Omg that is so cheesy. But yes, I met someone that i legit think I want to spend the rest of my life with. Keep in mind, that he too has the same “its the time for me to be with my family” notion in his head. 

This wouldnt be a problem if like him, I can say ok lets just do our ho separately, maybe save up for a year till its enough for us to get married, finish our ho respectively and finally after three years apart we will be together.

Hah. Not when everything that involves distance fell apart in my life. I could not bring myself to agree with the idea of maintaining the relationship for three years, during our housemanship. It doesnt make sense at all in my head, to stay loyal to an idea. The ideal situation would be to stay together, either me in Muar, or A in Selangor, but again, would you risk it all for an idea?

I operate on logic and not fairytales. Love fades, relationship gets messy but come hell or high water, family stays. 

But you want love, you need love, and sometimes you do believe that love wins. I could be in a room full of people and still feel lonely. Its when A arrives that i feel whole again. Recently I spent a whole day meeting friends while A was busy at work. I thought i had fun and sure it was nice catching up, but it was only at the end of the day, when I got to sit down with A for a late dinnner, i felt genuinely happy. The peaceful kind, the why the hell watching him sip tomyam is bringing me so much joy kinda happy. His presence just ignites something in me.

Worn out, yet loved.

A’s pants can be up to his tits and i’d still find it weirdly adorable.

How now?