#anyway i think it's a really good article that helped me understand my anger wasn't about the target. CERTAINLY wasn't the target's FAULT.
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you ever just absolutely bawl your eyes out at an article.
#i've been having THE hardest fucking time. getting angry at things i Know Don't Make Me Mad.#and i finally got fed up about it and i found this article and god. oh my god. it just made everything click into place.#like i've realized.... so so much tonight about where my anger is coming from and what it's trying to do.#and it's just. such a RELIEF? and also kind of humiliating but i think that's just par for the course LMAO.#anyway i think it's a really good article that helped me understand my anger wasn't about the target. CERTAINLY wasn't the target's FAULT.#and that even though a lot of the actions i've taken are my responsibility and i have to own up and do better... HAVING these feelings#isn't my fault either. AND i can overcome them. i can learn to use my anger positively. i can learn to listen to my body and#help it feel safe. i can be better for myself and everyone i love.#and that's just. a really good feeling at 3am on a tuesday.#yoshi talks
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there will never be a final draft.
writing this helped a lot, I hope reading it can help some people. or they start writing their own ones.
A Tribute to Liam Payne.
Dear Liam,
the first one to tell me about you passing away was my mother. It was around 6.30 in the morning. I had got up just half an hour earlier to do uni. At first I wouldn't believe her. Because why would you be dead? You're only 31 years old. I thought it was probably just the sun or another gossip magazine spreading rumors. She, after all, also believed those articles that said Harry and Olivia were dating. So I ask her what the source was and she only told me that she had send me an article. I still wouldn't believe her because she hasn't told me the source and i wouldn't look what article she had send to me. She only told me that it was all over the internet. I told her that 'the internet' is not really a reliable source. So I kept on going over my lectures until I had to get ready to take the bus to uni.
During that time I kept thinking about how maybe it's not a lie after all, maybe the new aren't just rumors.
When I turned my phone's airplane mode off, I finally received the article my mom had send me. I also got a bunch of other messages from my two best friends, directioners too, both of them. I ignored those at first. My only focus was that the article she had send me was a tagesschau article and i trust them most of the time.
So my first instinct was to check Instagram, see if anyone had posted anything. The first post is saw was from Charlie Ligthening. About your passing. That solified it for me. Because why would he post about it if it wasn't real. I then looked on your Instagram, to obviously see nothing. I closed Instagram, I didn't want to see any more. Then I check my friends messages, all about your passing too.
I didn't realise all of this, still haven't really if I think. Can't really grasp it all.
I didn't cry. I barly do that anyway. But I was sad and I felt some strange kind of emptiness, still do. During my entier way to uni I texted with one of my best friends. That helped a bit, I think.
I told them how honestly I'm not even too surprised, because we knew that you had a problem with drugs and alcohol and also that your mental health was as stable as a leaf in the wind. I told them I wouldn't be surprised if it was suicide, especially not after what happened lately. I do hope tho that it wasn't. I don't like the thought that your death was a conscious decision. But even if it was, I wouldn't really blame you. I think I can understand it. But if it was neither suicide nor an accident, then I'll have some new feeling to deal with, namely anger.
The whole day I would repeat 'He really is dead. He won't come back. It's not fiction.' in my head, to make it real.
It helped a bit, but not much.
I couldn't listen to any of my usual playlists. All of them would contain something that would remind me of what happened and I wanted to forget. I think I was in denial and still am.
I ended up listening to my favorite childhood artists. I had wanted to do that for months anyway, just that now i was forced to, because not listening to anything would certainly not help either.
Going through social media in the evening was a lot. Everyone had posted something about your death. It was everywhere. I tried to keep my time on there very limited. Your passing was also on the news and seeing it on TV hit different. I can't remember them ever reporting about anything related to you boys. But that evening they did. And it was definitely not in the way I always wanted them too.
At least they chose a good picture of you. Not one of those promo ones where you didn't smile, a nice one.
The following night I dreamed of you. I can't remember much, but you were there. The next morning I woke up to the boys having posted about you. I almost wish they hadn't because it made everything more real. When I read Louis' caption I did cry. I feel most connected to him and i think reading those words from him did something with me. But in fact now I feel the urge to cry every time I see something about Liam. No matter if it's am edit, a tweet or another person wishing their condolences.
I think my brain is still in denial. I'll randomly get this thought about how we'll get the news that you aren't dead after all, that is was just a mistake, a misunderstanding. But it wasn't. And you are.
I hate to break it to you, but you never where my favorite. I never felt the same connection I had with Louis, Harry and Niall with you. But I still liked you and appreciate what you did in the band. Like Louis said, you were a vital part and the band wouldn't I have been what it was without you. I cherished all those moments you had with the others one stage. When you had waterfights with Louis. The video diaries.
I also never liked your solo music as much. But what I loved was how you interacted with your fans.
When I first go into 1d your livestreams were the first real content I had gotten from my of you. It was 2020, so covid and I loved your steams. Always fun. Always lifted the mood. It's sad that I couldn't watch the one you did with Niall, but I still watched plenty of the others. One could also always see how genuinely happy you were meeting your friends. Even if your eyes looked rather empty because of everything else happening. You never deserve all the hate. Did you deserve to be called out for the shit you did? Sure. But you never deserved all the hate, no one does.
I don't know if I will every really grasp everything. That you being dead, means your gone for good. That you won't come back. That we won't get any content from you anymore. That we won't see you again anymore. That one direction is dead for good. Even if the others decide to ever come back it now definitely won't be the same. Now we probably will get the reunion we never wanted at you funeral.
You will be loved forever. You'll be missed greatly. The world will never be the same, not without you in it.
Yours,
the person who may wasn't your biggest fan but still loved you dearly and misses you a lot
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Tommy & Meena
Tommy: [Late enough that the clean up is done and she could've potentially heard about some of the drama but not late enough that if there's a mcwalsh party whereby Ali gets knocked up that he wouldn't already be drunk at that feels like a starting point] Tommy: Cá mbeidh tú ag fliúchadh na seamróige? 🍀🧡💚 Meena: I was about to go down to the restaurant, just hang out there Meena: Caleb and Drew were going to some party but I was not invited so 🤷 Meena: What are you all up to? Tommy: 🍻🥃 Tommy: but the vibe's more drinking ourselves to death, doubt you want an invite either, like Meena: I think that's most people's vibe but they sound happier/more in denial about it...? Tommy: Yeah, it's casually cultural Meena: Yeah? Tommy: You're not feeling patriotic today? Meena: I don't really vibe it any day Meena: but that's not important Tommy: that's a no for the Irish dancing then, alright Meena: We can try Meena: I look even taller when I'm not allowed to move my upper body though Tommy: 😂 Meena: no leprechauns here Tommy: any 🌈💰? Meena: no more than normal 💔 Tommy: I'll be right there then 🌈✨ Meena: That's your superpower Meena: I don't know how 🍀🧡💚 Gus has gone, you'll probably feel more at 🏡 where you are Tommy: It ain't feeling very 🏡 but 💌 received Tommy: I'll stay put, feet & upper body Meena: Why not? Tommy: long story Tommy: you'll hear the short one at 🏫 probably Meena: You don't feel like telling it, understood Meena: is there anything I can do? Tommy: I don't know how to, more like Tommy: you'd redraft it before you were done with the 1st for being too Tommy: unreadable Meena: Nonsense poetry is my specialty Tommy: Yeah? Tommy: maybe you should've been there to roll out the welcome wagon for my new sister Meena: New sister? Meena: Oh, do you mean your mum's baby Meena: not baby now, from before Tommy: she definitely ain't a baby now Meena: So, she came and it went bad Meena: I'm so sorry, Tommy Meena: how bad are we talking? Tommy: bad as it gets Meena: Is your mum alright, I mean Meena: stupid question, but Tommy: It's a fair question & I wish the answer was yeah Tommy: or there was fuck all I could do Meena: That's terrible Tommy: I've gotta go back to school, how can I? Meena: For them Meena: sometimes all you can do is give everyone a small sense of normality Meena: even when you don't want to, or think you can't go on yourself Tommy: Ali can't hold down the fort all on her own, alright, she probably can, but she shouldn't have to Meena: She won't be Meena: she has Carly, and me and Ro and, loads of people, really Meena: I promise we'll all do what we can Tommy: Don't start me on Ro, she wasn't even there Meena: Where was she? Tommy: Fuck knows Tommy: I thought she might be with you Tommy: or your brother Meena: She wasn't with me Meena: maybe Drew but I doubt it, he's been out and about everywhere all day, obviously Tommy: she'll be at home then Meena: Oh, that's a bit Meena: I understand under normal circumstances the pub on St Paddy's is not her ideal place to be but as it was Meena: anyway, that's all to say, you don't need to worry about Ali, she has a good support system to support your parents and take care of Rocky Meena: do you have people YOU can talk to and lean on at school? Tommy: yeah, Carly's ace with him & Ali to have lasted this long, like Tommy: I ain't telling anyone at school about this, loads of 'em already think I'm trash Tommy: or come from it Tommy: they've got a point now Meena: No, they don't Meena: your family are some of the best people I know Meena: you're not anything to be ashamed of Tommy: Everyone around here knows that Joe would be your brother's best customer except he don't carry the right stuff & now loads of 'em also know she's as bad, nah, worse Tommy: & that together they're Tommy: I can't even fucking go there Meena: People shouldn't judge him by that, never mind you as his family Tommy: They do though Tommy: keeping my mouth shut about it at school is my best option Meena: as long as you can express yourself and have an outlet through your work, I can't say I blame you Meena: you don't have to tell everyone everything Tommy: or anything Tommy: 🩰 will do Meena: I shouldn't say anything against words, given who I am and what I want to be but Meena: a comfortable silence can be preferable to words you're unsure of, words that hurt, or that you don't want to speak into existence Tommy: Yeah, I'd take an uncomfortable silence over that too Tommy: everyone's hurting & unsure enough Meena: if it's good enough for Maya Meena: 🤐 Tommy: I didn't mean with you Meena: You can always talk to me Meena: no matter the quality or quantity of your words Meena: you know that Tommy: okay Meena: but no rush on it Meena: obviously Meena: and I won't fill the silence with total nonsense, like Tommy: but those poems are your speciality Tommy: self proclaimed, like, but still Meena: Rude to doubt me Meena: 🥬🐢🐌👑 Tommy: Gimme one then Tommy: best shot Meena Though some at my aversion smile, I cannot love the crocodile. Its conduct does not seem to me Consistent with sincerity. Meena: 🐊💔 Tommy: He is basically a 🐍 with feet Tommy: You 🖋 that? Meena: Sadly not Meena: I'll try to write something as appropriate scathing for your brother Tommy: Or as 💔 for me, yeah? Meena: Of course Meena: what could be better to cheer you up? 😏 Tommy: as a feel good goes it's obviously unrivalled even by 🍻🎵💃🕺 Tommy: that's the level of your talent Meena: You're either that drunk or you wish you were...code red either way Meena: you could come to the restaurant though, if you actually wanted Tommy: Get ahead at waiting tables for when the West End fucks me off & over Tommy: good thinking Meena: Please Meena: your name is already in lights, I can see it Meena: 🤩 Tommy: as you said please, I'll come Meena: manners maketh the man do what you want? Meena: interesting Tommy: works on this one Tommy: how much of a man I am is up for debate, usually Meena: People are idiots Meena: and too invested in stuff that doesn't affect them whatsoever Tommy: like you said, practically a local celeb at this point Meena: still, what's going on in your tights is just not their business Tommy: that's such a you way to put that Meena: I'll choose to take that as a compliment on me having a consistent voice Meena: though the alternatives are 🤔 Tommy: take as I miss you Meena: Are you back for long? Tommy: Nah, they ain't that patriotic either Tommy: I shouldn't even be here, wouldn't have been if she wasn't coming Meena: That's shittier Tommy: maybe JC is trying to keep me humble before I get too 🤩 Meena: It's Patrick that needs to make a second coming to banish your brother 🐍🐍 Tommy: he's already done that himself Meena: Oh, that was the purpose of today then? Meena: I get it Tommy: if he had one Tommy: might have just been out of his 🧠 on whatever 💊💉🥄🚬 Tommy: or worse so 😍 over her that's all that he gives a shit about besides the above Meena: Wait Meena: he's what? Tommy: you'll hear about it soon as you get back to class, they were doing it for everyone to see Tommy: her purpose given what it did to my ma Meena: Jesus Meena: that's Meena: you're right, no words Tommy: at least he one upped Fraze, I guess Meena: does make that situation seem totally run of the mill in comparison Meena: I have heard it happens Meena: when people who are related but estranged meet Meena: it's like a thing™ Meena: not that that helps you personally, obviously Tommy: Really?! Meena: [sends articles like nerd] Tommy: fucking hell Meena: It's crazy Meena: like you know there should be some strong emotional response but you kinda get it fucked up or something Meena: I don't know, science isn't my forte Tommy: nor mine, but if anyone would get those kind of wires crossed, it would have to be him Tommy: Jesus Meena: at least he didn't have a wife and kids to leave or something like some of these people Meena: it's really sad Tommy: you didn't see her though, she's like Tommy: terrifying Meena: I don't think they have to be a hottie but it probably helps in some cases Tommy: 😂 Meena: how so though? like what was she like Tommy: Alright so if they were putting a modern twist on Frankenstein's monster for the stage she could play that, but she'd need serious anger management first Tommy: electroshock wouldn't be far off, funnily enough Meena: Okay, that does sound scary Meena: even if looks can be deceiving, is the moral my own life has hit home hard, sounds like the insides matched so Tommy: It was like if you took every teenage horror story my ma has told us, scraped off the sugarcoating and then mixed that with the worst shit Fraze has ever done when he's on one, you still wouldn't come close to the mark Meena: I know the sort you mean Meena: no matter how well Drew and Caleb think they do with protecting me, I've had plenty of people approach me asking for them, messing with me Tommy: this once I'm gutted you know what I mean then Tommy: 'cause fuck that Meena: mostly it's the former and it's stupid little kids who want some weed or pills, that's just annoying but yeah Tommy: you know boxing's footwork is dead easy, I could teach you what my dad taught me Tommy: any time you want Meena: thanks Meena: at least my height would finally work in my favour, right? Meena: better reach Tommy: bigger 🎯 too remember Tommy: you have to keep your guard up to protect that face Meena: sounds like you're saying I'm 🌚 Tommy: 😮 Tommy: that's awkward Meena: *frantically googles how to shrink head* Tommy: nah, it's awkward 'cause you grew into your head ages ago & I didn't throw you a 🥳 or anything Tommy: must of happened all of a sudden or without me realising Meena: grew into it?! Meena: so I was a bobblehead before, thanks so much 😂 Tommy: only slightly Meena: I'm only slightly 💔 then Tommy: don't be, it was endearing Tommy: you were a cute kid Meena: okay 👵 Meena: no need to patronize me Meena: my head is only literally big, not metaphorically Tommy: come on, a 🍭 is a great look Meena: Better than a pea-head Tommy: or a 🍐 head like I've got Meena: it's distinguished Meena: be gutted you don't want to be a character actor Tommy: nice save, you can teach me ⚽ when we're done with 🥊 Meena: Sounds good to me Tommy: 👍 Tommy: [show up boy cos the restaurant can't be that far from the pub surely] Meena: [have a nerdy but more chill time, Gus loves everyone he's a good egg, I say you should go to this party for the drama of it all sod it] Tommy: [agreed x 2 the restaurant would have such a nice vibe when Drew and Caleb aren't there which they obviously aren't rn and then yeah we can get more messy with it] Meena: [okay so the plan, we having a lovely time (given the circumstances tonight lol) then her boyf shows up] Tommy: [I just picture her bf being so underwhelming like no offense but he'd have to be someone that Tommy didn't clock on socials so when he realises he's like oh and then dials his campness up to 1000000 being that gay BFF stereotype which she would pick up on immediately cos that's not how he is with her except when he's hiding behind it cos things are uncomfortable between them. I just imagine him raiding Ali & Carly's makeup and wardrobe and making the gayest cocktails he can and getting Meena involved and stealing her attention] Meena: [he wouldn't be and he's also lowkey an arsehole as per her type so he wouldn't be all ❤ on her socials anyway, but all this can be a thing 'cos not seeing the gay boy as a threat and probably wants to get drunk so] Tommy: [don't beat him up Tommy you don't want her to think you're doing it for Drew and Caleb like reasons] Meena: [at least we know you two are distracted] Tommy: [thanks for also getting Carly and Ali involved in your gay antics because we all need whatever fun we can get] Meena: [until you gotta go pregnant Ali] Tommy: [lord, I hope Tommy has left by then] Meena: [lordt] Tommy: [casual 3way with your missus and the less attractive drug dealer in town] Meena: [thank god your genetics are solid underneath that mess boy] Tommy: [and we know Rio looks like Ali anyways] Meena: [you do alright out of it kids] Tommy: [it could be so much worse] Meena: [blame your dad for your insecurities grace] Tommy: [and your evil nan] Meena: [junie is just #unique like no one looking like you boy, the closest is fraze as your uncle] Tommy: [unless he looks like Caleb's dad because we don't know him] Meena: [who can say baby] Tommy: [anyway take a moment to appreciate all the Tommy and Meena dancing everyone, giving you that for free] Meena: [love that] Tommy: [soz shit bf he is a threat because their chemistry especially when they are dancing is ridiculous goodbye] Meena: [deffo gonna get mardy at that and go off to have an argument] Tommy: [are you happy now Thomas? Thought not] Meena: [awkwarddd] Tommy: [get drunker boy that'll totally make it better and not worse] Meena: [cry in the bathroom that's a mood] Tommy: [ruin your make up, oh babe] Meena: [everyone else is so wrecked you'll fit in] Tommy: [by not doing drugs you're one of the least messy] Meena: [exactly dr phil] Meena: [the next day] Meena: Have a safe flight back Tommy: Cheers, I'll probably just 💤 Meena: Can't blame you Tommy: did you get any? Meena: Yeah, I'm fine Meena: had to get up early to clean the restaurant though so not as much as I'd ideally want Tommy: had another 🌱🍏🍈🥬🌿🍐🥝🥒🌼 juice, yeah? Tommy: that's pretty patriotic, you know Tommy: better late than never, like Tommy: throw 🍊🍑🥕 in there too & you're sorted Meena: Yeah, I bet EVERYONE in this fair nation is starting a juice cleanse this AM, not having a fry-up, nah Tommy: 😏 Tommy: green eggs & ham would keep you in theme Meena: 🤢 Tommy: fair 🍳🥞🧇🥓🥐🥯🍞 then Tommy: take your pick Meena: are you gonna post it to me? Tommy: be messy if you're having 🍳 or 🥞 but saves me having to use any words Meena: Probably best to stick to non-perishables Meena: best option for us both, like Tommy: Yeah Meena: How was it, this morning Meena: before you left Tommy: how you'd expect Meena: Yeah Tommy: Bea has to leave too so Fraze's dramatics will take centre stage for a sec but Meena: Distraction is probably the best technique for right now Tommy: worked last night Meena: I bet the parties you have in London are even better Tommy: only 'cause we 🩰 ain't supposed to be partying Meena: and what's more fun than prohibition, sure Tommy: forbidden 🍏🍎🍐🍊🍋🍌🍉🍇🍓🍈🍒🍑🥭🍍🥥🥝 juice is my fave, can't lie Meena: 🙄😏 Meena: enjoy Tommy: you're not supposed to give me your blessing, sucks the fun right out Tommy: forbidden, remember Meena: I'm not a teacher Tommy: yeah you are, whenever Anne needs you Meena: Okay, smartypants Meena: there's nothing I could teach YOU Tommy: not with THAT attitude Meena: 🤨 maybe next time Meena: bring your own 🩰 Tommy: & 🥊 Meena: a look Tommy: the 🩳 are too Meena: what do you wear on your top half though Meena: leotard? Tommy: lads don't usually wear anything to show off 💪 Meena: Who are you showing off to? Tommy: The other lad of course, name a sport that ain't homoerotic Meena: not when you come back here Tommy: when I come back here most of all Meena: no boys in my classes Tommy: Anne's been a letdown from the very beginning, what can I say? Tommy: you're on your own, Meeps Meena: I'll survive Tommy: I know
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Review #76: Record of Youth (Ep 11-12)
I have felt two main things while watching the past few episodes.
The first is a somewhat positive feeling towards some of the new conflicts that have been taking place. I wasn't sure what it was that made those conflicts feel so real and deep, and then I realised that it was Park Bogum's acting. I don't think he was this good back in Love in the Moonlight. Or more like, the story didn't allow for such subtle facial acting. His prince character in that drama wasn't as deep or multi-dimensional as Hyejun is. All the prince character did was be obsessively in love and get angry and look good and smart. Almost every time he was provoked by that annoying counsellor for the king, he was somehow able to keep calm and always fight back with sarcasm.
Hyejun, on the other hand, feels more real. He deals with real emotions and shows each and every small emotional change to the audience. It's really amazing how subtle those changes are but how clearly they show on his face.
I've really liked the conflict he's been having with Jeongha lately. It's real and raw and the drama doesn't make it into mere comedy. I think there are a few scenes that stood out to me (well, provided almost all of their scenes together being conflict scenes now). The first one is when they brush against a serious conflict for the very first time. Before this moment, they never address anything seriously, and both of them kind of brush it off. Usually Jeongha brushes it off as though she's never hurt and she always understands. I used to think she was mature for doing that. I used to think, that's what adult dating is about. But now I'm not so sure.
Jeongha does the same thing this time round, but you can tell there's discomfort and unsaid words hanging in the air. It's the scene where Jeongha jokingly tells Hyejun that she's had inconveniences from his sudden fame too, then when Hyejun's all ears about it, she brushes it off again and makes the atmosphere light by lying and saying that she's a busy woman too with her own personal studio.
This scene kind of pained me. Not just this scene, but with every Hyejun-Jeongha scene we get now, it's just tension and unsaid words all round. They never have a frank discussion about how they're feeling and where their relationship is headed and it really pains me. Like I said, I used to think it was the adult thing to do - to swallow petty feelings and understand the other person, talk and act in a way that doesn't make them feel bad, pretend to be positive. But seeing Jeongha, my thoughts are changing. Is this the downfall of being too independent and self-sufficient in life? We all know that Jeongha doesn't like getting help from people. We also know that she doesn't like sharing her troubles with others either. She said it once, something like, love means not sharing your heavy burden. Something like that. I agreed with it back then and nodded my head, but I'm really getting second thoughts seeing how her relationship with Hyejun is turning out.
If you can't be honest with your partner... it's not good. Jeongha is just pretending 24/7 that she's okay and that she's not the type to get sad and angry over the "trivial" things. That she's not petty. But it's all an act. She is sad and angry. And that above scene was pretty powerful because Hyejun's face just falls at the possibility that he might've hurt Jeongha. Hyejun as a character is so expressive and honest with his feelings, I think that may be another reason why Jeongha hesitates from being completely honest. If I had a partner who reacted to each and every emotional change I was going through, I might be like Jeongha too.
But still, it needs to be shared. Sigh, dating is hard. You just can't avoid conflict. Yeah, there's the dreamy side to it and that's what you get when you first start off usually but conflict hits you pretty quickly too. And then it's just conflict all throughout and having to deal with that and talk through every itsy bitsy feeling and thought. Tiring. Very tiring.
Anyways, going back to Hyejun and Jeongha. The actual serious conflict they have though is when that article about Jia goes through. Hyejun goes to see Jeongha and you can just tell she's not happy. She doesn't even smile - or even force a smile - as Hyejun comes through the door. What really bothers me and something I just don't understand is why there's no physical affection every time they meet up. If I hadn't seen my dear boyfriend for a long time and he came over, I would be hugging him at least! But these two never greet or farewell each other with a hug or a kiss. I don't get it. They've done even more than that already and they don't feel the desire to be physically close to each other every time they meet?
Or maybe that's just a sign of them becoming even more distant with each other as time goes by - which makes me even more sad. Not seeing them bond, both emotionally and physically, is just sad for someone who used to ship them. There's just too much tension and discomfort in the air - but let's face it, it's necessary and natural with their current situation.
Even rewatching that scene where they fight (somewhat calmly) for the first time brings back the tense feeling I got back then. They both start off trying to ease the atmosphere by smiling a bit, and then Jeongha gets (very calmly) angry for the first time - how come you never discuss these things with me beforehand? Why do you make me go through a million thoughts by myself? And Hyejun is right, she's super calm but that makes it even scarier. Hyejun at this point is still trying to keep it light. They're both similar in that sense. They're both calm and they both try and avoid conflict. Then Jeongha bursts out for the first time (albeit still calmly) and you can see the changes in Hyejun's expression. Jeongha's annoyed face and Hyejun's surprised and hurt face are both faces we've never really seen from them in Hyejun-Jeongha scenes and that's what makes it very special. I guess this is the moment in a relationship where you realise that your partner can be just as unlovely as some of the other people around you. It's reality though. Even Hyejun gets a little heated as he lets out his own honest feelings about the matter. The atmosphere gets tense and uncomfortable.
BUT. It's at this moment where Hyejun extends his hand to Jeongha. I think this is a key moment. Hyejun decides to bridge the gap and change that tense atmosphere. Jeongha puts her hand in his and then Hyejun says, I love you much more than you think.
Then, as the episode continues, I'm sitting there thinking - really? Because the more I watch, the less I'm starting to believe that. And if I'm like this, how little of it would Jeongha be believing?
I started seeing more of their relationship deteriorate when Hyejun couldn't get Jeongha's call and called her later in the hotel in Singapore. By that time, Jeongha was already at home from being picked up by Hyehyo. Damn, what a move. I guess this scene shows just how tired Jeongha has become, to resort to calling her boyfriend's friend, someone she knows might have feelings for her. She would have never done that in the past. But she's tired now and she really needs someone to care about her. She shouldn't have done that though. Seeing her invite Hyehyo into her house and avoid talking to Hyejun on the phone for long made me feel icky as heck. She didn't even tell Hyejun that Hyehyo was over - just to not make him worry. That honestly feels wrong. And seeing Hyejun's face drop when Jeongha lightly rejects his request of talking on the phone for long, that was painful too. You can just tell that at that moment their relationship is clearly declining.
But then again - does Hyejun really love Jeongha? If he did, he would have at least checked his phone on the plane. There's wifi and everything on the plane now, we all know that. He could have, but all he did was watch a movie. If he really loved Jeongha, he would have thought about her at least once. That's the downfall of this so-called "mature" relationship between these two. They're both so independent and so used to doing everything by themselves, they don't feel the need to reach out to their partner, to be perfectly honest with them about their feelings, and depend on them. Dating is hard. That is the conclusion.
I really need to stop writing and continue the drama, but I just have to mention that I loved the conflict scene between Hyejun and Hyehyo too. That was some raw emotion and I liked how the boys didn't fight physically. It's more interesting when they fight with words and it contains much more complex emotions. One day I really gotta sit down and ask myself why I'm so obsessed with conflict scenes and why I like them so much. Probably because I like seeing characters show their emotions so freely and become raw and honest with the people they care about. Maybe I find it cathartic because I myself suck at doing that and avoid it at all costs.
ONE more thing to mention before I leave. I absolutely hate the reporter. I know the actress from heart signal, but I feel like I've never hated a character so much. She's just downright fucking evil. She has no other character trait than being a bitch. At least Lee Taesu has a backstory and has some hardships of his own and has a brat like Doha giving him hell. That journalist has absolutely no other character trait than being a selfish money-hungry biatch. Whenever I see her, I swear I lose a little bit of faith in humanity. I've actually started understanding Hyejun's dad little by little and I've really liked seeing the feelings and changes he is going through, along with the difficulties in his heart as Hyejun rises to stardom, but this journalist? Just no. When she's at the police station trying to get a scoop and repeating, "strong denial means it's true" I honestly wanted to slap her hard on the face. There are quite a few people in this drama that are a bit too angering and that's one of the few negatives of the show.
I'm pretty sure I had one more thing to discuss here but I can't fully remember now. Oh yes - I remembered. Just about the entertainment industry in general. It's been crazy seeing how obsessed people are with celebrities and it's been disgusting seeing how obsessed some people are with seeing them fail. It's actually made me not want to read any news of them from now on. It feels pointless. There are so many rumours going around daily about all sorts of celebrities. We will probably never know the full truth about them. I think I'd rather just not look into them in the first place.
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Rintori prompt - as a star Olympian, Rin tries to get rid of damaging relationship rumors by hiring a fake live-in/spouse. Nitori somehow gets roped into it and is a natural at faking a newlywed-type relationship (which wasn't too far off from senpai-worship, but now with "appropriate" clingy tendencies). Everyone (including their friends) believe it's 100% real, and after a few months of pretending Rin doesn't know if he'd be ready to let go of this fake relationship.
This was a beautiful prompt,I could have made this into a multi-chaptered fic but I reined myself in!
…
Playboy Rin Matsuoka seen with another girl onhis arm after a night out.
He rolled his eyes as he read thearticle, despite the fact that were usually just friends and he was quiteclearly gay the media loved to pair Rin off with every girl he as much aslooked at.
His management were insistent hestarted creating a more positive persona, a loving relationship for thetabloids to lap up. The advice was all well and good but where was he supposedto magically find a boyfriend?
“Rin!” Ai shouted, letting himself inwith his spare key. “They had those shrimp chips you love at the market so Igrabbed you a couple bags.”
“Thanks.” Rin replied as a bag wastossed across the room into his awaiting hands.
Rin watched as Ai unpacked the rest ofhis shopping, some things for Rin and some for himself. He rolled his eyesslightly, you’d believe the man lived here with the amount of stuff he leftaround the place. When in reality he lived across town in a house share withthree other people – his budget much lower than Rin’s.
So, Ai ended up spending most of histime in Rin’s spacious pent house, only really using his own house to sleep in.Rin thought the whole exercise was pointless, why was Ai paying for a house henever used? He’d suggested they live together – they’d done it at school so howdifferent could it be? But Ai always declined, said he’d feel too guilty thathe wouldn’t be able to help pay.
Instead, he paid for other people tolive in a house while using Rin’s facilities for free. But apparently that madesense to Ai.
“What are they saying about you thistime?” Ai asked, leaning over the back of the sofa to see the gossip magazinein Rin’s hand. Ai knew the only time he ever brought them was if he wasfeatured.
“The usual.” He muttered, handing Aithe magazine.
“Hmm.” He nodded, eyes scanning thearticle. “Matsuoka seems to spend most ofhis off-season swimming in and out of girl’s knickers. Interestingphrasing.”
“Yeah.” He agreed with a blush.Somehow discussing his sex life with Ai was embarrassing, albeit his fake sexlife.
“Oh well.” Ai shrugged, dropping themagazine back on Rin’s lap. “Once you start swimming again they will forget allthis crap and become real journalists again.”
“I suppose.” He agreed.
“Right, I’m making waffles. Would youlike some?” He asked, pulling his waffle iron out of the cupboard. Apparently,he didn’t want to leave it at his own place because people had a tendency toborrow and not clean up after themselves.
“Go for it.” Rin replied, following Aiinto the kitchen.
Rin sat at the bar stool as he watchedAi flit around the room, grabbing everything he needed out of the cupboardswithout even pausing to ask Rin where things were kept. He was sure Ai knewthis house better than he did.
“How was work?” Rin asked.
“Oh, the usual.” Ai shrugged. “Peopleordering meat meals and then getting angry with me because I should have knownthey were vegetarians. Having to take a quail’s egg back to the kitchen becausethe yolk was too runny, then again because it was too firm. And having to openseven bottles of red wine for a couple to try before deciding they’d rather thewhite.”
Rin shook his head at Ai’s tales, heworked as a waiter in a high-class restaurant (three Michelin stars) with avery lucrative cliental. Who felt that because they earnt more in an hour thanAi does a month they had the right to treat him like trash.
“Why do you put up with it?” Rin askedin disbelief.
“It puts food on the table.” Heshrugged, gesturing to the waffle mixture. “Besides, they’re always generoustippers.”
“They should be! The amount of shitthey put you through.” He scoffed.
Ai rolled his eyes playfully butignored the comment, he and Rin lived in different worlds now. Sure, they werestill friends but Rin was in a position to call people out on their bullshitand get away with it. Ai just had to grin and bear it.
Rin smiled as he watched Ai pour thebatter into the iron, his tongue sticking out in concentration. A habit hehadn’t managed to shake since school.
“Here, have the first waffle. I knowyou always want it.” Ai smiled, plating up and putting it in front of Rin.
Another habit that never changed washow he treated Rin, sure he no longer called him senpai but he still acted likeit. Always putting his needs first, always in awe of him, always blushing whenhe complimented him. Not that Rin would ever complain of course.
He loved having Ai around. He cooked,he cleaned, he entertained and he provided comfort on his darker days. It waslike having a housewife without the sex.
And suddenly an idea struck him. Theperfect spouse to get his management off his back.
“Ai! Date me!” Rin shouted, sprayingwaffle everywhere.
“E-excuse me?!” Ai exclaimed.
“I need a fake boyfriend and you’d beperfect for it.” He grinned.
“Oh, I don’t know.” He mumbled, avoidRin’s eye.
“Please, it would get the media off myback.” He begged.
“I just don’t think it would work.” Heshrugged, the waffles long forgotten now. “It would come out too quickly thatit was fake.”
“Not if we’re the only two people whoknow it’s fake.” He suggested. “It won’t be all that different to now, we’reclose friends anyway we’d only need to amp it up slightly.”
“And what about our family? Ourfriends?” Ai frowned. “We’d be lying to them.”
“It will only be for a couple ofweeks, a month tops! Then we just say we realised we’re better as friends andact like it never happened.” He said, thinking it was quite possible thegreatest plan he’d ever had.
“Fine.” He reluctantly agreed. “Butonly for a month, I’m not lying any longer than that.”
“Thank you!” He shouted, runningaround the counter to grab Ai in a hug. “I really appreciate it.”
“Yeah, yeah.” He rolled his eyes,going back to their food.
…
Rin decided Friday night would be thebest time to show off his new relationship, he was often followed around then.People trying to catch him drunk and disorderly. But tonight, they would begetting more than they bargained for.
“Are you sure this is a good idea?” Aihissed, tightening his hold on Rin’s arm – no different from usual really.
“It’s fine.” He nodded. “Remember, it’sonly for a month.”
“Okay.” He bit his lip.
As Rin and Ai walked towards the barthe paparazzi came crawling out of the woodwork. Bulbs flashing. Blinding Ai tothe point he had to grip Rin for guidance, the red head much more immune to thecamera.
“Guys night out?” One bravephotographer asked.
“Not quite.” Rin chuckled, shaking hishead.
So much as stand next to a woman andhe was having sex with them, have a guy practically hanging off him and theywere just good friends.
He waited for the paparazzi to understandhis meaning but they continue to stare at him blankly, obviously he was goingto have connect the dots for them.
“This is my boyfriend.” He grinned,pressing a kiss on Ai’s head who squeaked at the gesture.
Just like that, the cameras were wildagain, snapping and flashing every shot they could of Ai. Rin put a protectivearm around Ai and guided him through the flashes, ignoring all the questionsflying around them.
How long have you been together?
Where did you meet?
What is it like dating Rin Matsuoka?
They hounded the couple until theyreached the bar, letting them slip through the doors in a final flurry ofphotos.
“Wow.” Ai sighed, once they werefinally alone. “That was intense.”
“You’ll get used to it.” He shrugged.
“Not sure I want to.” He pouted.
Rin laughed at his response and tookhis hand, leading him through the bar with a soft smile while knowing the cameraswould still be watching their backs.
…
Suddenly a back log of photos seemedto appear in the papers. Every trip out, every meal, every shop, every time Aihad let himself in and out of Rin’s place. Where the tabloids hadn’t once caredabout the appearance of Ai they were suddenly all over it like a rash.
“How do they find all this out?” Aimoaned, reading yet another article about himself.
“What do you mean?” Rin asked,glancing over his shoulder.
“AiichiroNitori, nicknamed Ai by his boyfriend, has known the swimmer since theyattended Samezuka Academy together. Despite being a year younger than Rin the pairgrew close during Aiichiro’s first year at the school.” He read.
“That sort of information isn’t thathard to find out.” Rin shrugged. “Just call the school and it will all be onrecord.”
Ai gave him a withering look before hecontinued.
“Thecouple were on the swim team together and Aiichiro always looked up to Rin andlonged to swim with him. However, the feelings weren’t returned as a closepersonal friend said ‘Rin would often shout and snap at Ai but that anger wasobviously just unresolved sexual tension’.”
“I wonder who they found to say that.”Rin frowned, usually ‘close personal friends’ were people he’d said two wordsto once upon a time.
“Aiichiro was so desperate to impress hissenpai at school he took private lessons from a mutual friend.” He carried on, barely registering Rin’s input.“A source reveals that Rin was driven madby jealousy of these lessons and would often turn up unannounced to intervene.”
“How long do they talk aboutSamezuka?” He blushed, he had been a little jealous that Ai had turned toSousuke instead of him but he didn’t realise others had noticed as well.
“For at least five paragraphs.” Hegroaned, skimming down to later in the article. “Despite being photographed leaving Rin’s penthouse apartment multipletimes Aiichiro does not live with his boyfriend but in a house share. Hisroommates have said that Rin has asked him to move in countless times but isalways rejected due to Aiichiro’s fear of commitment. Where are theygetting this from?”
“I mean it’s only a half lie, I haveasked you to move in.” He laughed, slipping an arm around Ai’s shoulder in agesture that had become second nature to him over the past couple of weeks.
“Yeah, but I said no because I don’twant to be a freeloader not because I’m scared of commitment.” He groaned, Rinshrugging in response. “We can hardlyblame Aiichiro for being hesitant, Rin has left a trail of broken hearts aslong as his swimming career.”
“Ridiculous.” He rolled his eyes as Ailaughed and skipped to the end of the article.
“Rinhas been looking positively giddy since he finally opened up about hisrelationship with Aiichiro and those loving looks cannot lie, he has clearlyfallen hard for the man. A friend of the pair has reportedly said ‘in time Aiwill get on the same page as Rin, but after feeling like he’s been an annoyancefollowing Rin around most of their friendship he’s not ready to put himself outthere yet’. Chin up Aiichiro! Looks like senpai finally noticed you.” Hegroaned. “Least they’re talking about you more positively now.”
“Then the plan is working.” Hegrinned.
“I guess.” He nodded, looking at allthe pictures in the magazine. He would never admit it out loud but they lookedgood together, well he at least thought so. Rin probably thought he could dobetter. Let’s be honest if Ai hadn’t been the only single one in their group offriends he would not have been first choice as a fake boyfriend.
“Hello?” Rin said, answering his phonethat Ai hadn’t even noticed was ringing.
“Rin-chan!” Nagisa shouted down thephone causing the red head to flinch slightly at the volume.
“What’s up Nagisa?” He laughed.
“Me and Rei-chan are having everyoneover for drinks tonight. Want to come?” He asked.
“Sure, got nothing else to do thisevening.” He agreed.
“Great! And bring Ai-chan with you.It’s been so long since we’ve seen him.” He said, his voice holding no room forargument.
“Oh course.” He stuttered, they’d notreally talked about to handle this situation with friends. He and Ai haddecided they’d be the only ones who knew the truth but hadn’t announced therelationship to their friends. Who had obviously read about it in the tabloids.
“See you tonight!” Nagisa cried,hanging up the phone.
“Bye.” Rin said to the dial tone,nervously swallowing before turning to Ai.
“What’s wrong?” Ai asked withconcerned frown.
“We’re going to go to Nagisa’s fordrinks tonight.” He explained.
“That’s hardly terrible news.” Helaughed, rolling his eyes at Rin’s dramatics.
“He thinks we’re a couple.” Rin saidquietly, as if it would change the truth.
“Oh.” He bit his lip. “Well I supposewe should have seen it coming.”
“So, we just carry on acting?” Heasked.
“I guess so.” Ai shrugged, pretendingto busy himself with the magazine in his hands.
“Okay.” He awkwardly nodded.
Lying for the paparazzi was one thingbut lying to their friends was something else, they were sure to see straightthrough them. But as Rin sat there, absentmindedly stroking Ai’s shoulder, theshorter man leaning into him, he thought they might have perfected their fakerelationship. Maybe nobody would know after all.
…
“I always knew it!” Nagisa declaredloudly, Rei cringing as he drunkenly sloshed wine everywhere – thankfully itwas only white.
“Knew what?” Makoto asked,purposefully ignoring Haru’s drunk, wandering hands.
“That Rin-chan and Ai-chan were inlove.” He rolled his eyes.
“Love?” Rin spluttered, Ai blushingand looking into his glass.
“Yes!” Momo cheered, shaking Sousuke’sarm. “We used to always say that, it was obvious even in high school. Wasn’tit?”
“Sure.” Sousuke nodded, wishing Momowould stop his incessant shaking.
“I don’t think it was that bad.” Rinstuttered.
“Yeah it was.” Momo nodded. “Ai usedto gush and gush about you, when I first met you both I assumed you’d alreadysealed the deal.”
“And Rin-chan wasn’t much better!” Nagisagiggled. “It was always Ai this and Ai that. And when I started calling himAi-chan too you should have seen the look on his face!”
“A bit like the look be has now.” Haruteased, lounging against Makoto.
“Can we just drop it?” Rin groaned, wrappingan arm around a self-conscious Ai. “I’m sorry we didn’t tell you but do wereally have to spend the whole night talking about us?”
“Yes!” Nagisa and Momo shouted inunison.
“Sorry Rin.” Rei apologised, trying tosilence Nagisa with more wine. “We’re just happy for you both.”
“We’re glad you both finally actedupon your feelings.” Makoto smiled.
“Like you were any better.” Aigrumbled, finally deflecting the attention back to a flushed Makoto.
Rin laughed as his friend blushed andstumbled over his words, glad to finally have the spotlight off his ‘relationship’but maybe they had a point. If all his friends thought they were good togetherperhaps they were right.
He looked over at Ai with a softsmile, his loud laugh filling the air, wrapping around him in warmth. Maybethere was something there after all.
…
Rin sighed as he watched Ai, dressedin an old shirt of Rin’s that was too big as make shift pyjamas, yawning as hemade himself a large coffee. They’d gotten quite good at this whole fakerelationship, it had almost become second nature to them. Just how they behavedaround each other now. But it had all been fake right? Every look, every touch,every kiss, it hadn’t been real, even if he’d wished it had been. Now, it allhad to come to an end.
But was Rin ready to give Ai up?
“It’s been a month.” Rin said, aiming fornonchalance as he took a sip of his coffee.
“Oh yeah.” Ai nodded. “I guess weshould break up then.”
“Yeah.” He agreed. “Or we could not.”
“Rin?” He swallowed nervously, maybeeverything they’d been feeling wasn’t one sided after all.
“I don’t know.” He shrugged awkwardly.“I always felt like there was something out of place between us, I thought itwas just the distance since we left school but now I think it’s this.”
“This?” Ai questioned, not ready toreally believe Rin’s words.
“Yeah, this relationship. Having youaround all the time, holding you, kissing you, going on ridiculous dates withyou. It didn’t feel strange, it just felt right.” He admitted. “Please tell meI wasn’t the only one who felt it?”
“No, you weren’t.” He shook his head witha smile. “I felt it too, maybe I always felt it but didn’t realise.”
Rin smiled at Ai’s confession, leaningacross the table to effortlessly steal a kiss. It was different from the onesthey’d done for the public, this one was loving, it was special and it was justtheirs.
“So, are we dating now?” Rin askedagainst Ai’s lips.
“Have been for the last month, thanksfor noticing.” He teased.
Rin rolled his eyes but captured hislips in a kiss all the same. It may have started out as a publicity stunt buttheir relationship had finally blossomed into something real.
…
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