#anyway i should look up how people talk about big eden

[variousqueerthings]

reblogging again about Big Eden made me think about some of the native american/canadian queer cinema (Indigiqueer Cinema) I've enjoyed.

Found a handy dandy Letterboxd List called Queer Native Pride and Beyond that has a whole bunch of movies I haven't seen yet, and below some of the ones I've gotten to experience (three out of four are linked):

Big Eden: a story about a gay man who returns home, because his grandfather gets sick. A sweet, beautiful man (played by Eric Schweig) starts to secretly make him food to help out. it's an amazing slice-of-life/subtly utopian bit of film-making, in that nobody in the town is homophobic, but being gay/shame is still a big part of the exploration within it.

Wildhood: a movie I got to watch at a film festival (always good to go to your local queer film festivals, many surprises to be had) and it blew me away. a roadtrip movie about two brothers who escape their abusive father to reconnect with the elder's mother and Mi'kmaq heritage. letting go of the instilled shame of being indigenous goes hand in hand with letting go of the instilled shame of being queer

Fancy Dance: this movie isn't about being queer, it's about the ongoing murder of indigenous woman and girls, and it's also a beautiful road trip film between an aunt and her niece, the former of whom is sure her sister is dead but unwilling to face it and to destroy her niece's innocence. Lily Gladstone plays the lead, who's also a lesbian, which is just a choice that works really well for the movie even if it's not the focal point (available on Apple+ TV and however you access movies, but would recommend throwing this one some views if you have access to official streaming)

Honey Moccasin: a 1998 movie i watched at another film festival (this time online), it's anarchic, it's a comedy, it's a thriller, it's got musical beats, it weaves in the intricacies of exploring Native identity and Queer identity, it's a surreal story about a few things, one of which include focus on a "closeted drag queen." it's a movie that beats against conventional film-making to create something not beholden to tropes and clichés forced upon narratives about being Native

[necros-writing-stuff]

Imagine this: a younger/kid PC finding out about the attic, maybe even a picture from when Bailey and Eden were still in school, and is now determined to find Eden, and try to bring the two together again

———

Basically The Parent Bait, but there’s only one (1) annoying and stubborn kid (except anon has never seen the movie)

Bailey knew you were a menace as soon as you were dropped off on his doorstep. And he was right. You break out of the youth wing and wander around, you latch onto him as he passes by despite his best efforts to not be fatherly, and of course he caught you coming down the ladder from the loft.

Now you've followed him to his meeting with Eden, staring up at both of them with a big smile on your face as they feel a mutual relief that they kept their pants on.

"One of yours...?" Eden looks jumpy, ready to get gone. Its best that people don't know he exists, and if this kid is some sort of spy (a terrible one if they are), then it could mean trouble.

Bailey flicks some ash off the end of his cigarette. "You're meant to be at school, kid."

His glare doesn't change a thing, you're still there, swinging your arms back and forth as you rock on your feet, a giggle bubbling up from your chest.

"Is this your boyfriend from that old photo?"

Both of them freeze. There's an old photo? You used the word 'boyfriend', too, which doesn't help with how god damn fragile the line of friendship and lovers is between the two.

"We aren't boyfriends, what fucking photo, kid?"

Your little hand dives straight into your pocket, producing a faded picture with creases marking the material. "This one! From an old box in the loft. I don't know why you don't like me up there, it's just dusty."

There's so much innocence still in your eyes. So much lack of knowledge about the world leaving blank spaces in your head that you fill with dreams. You don't even seem to realise how the mention of the loft makes both men grow pale.

Bailey snatches the photo from you, briefly glancing at it to ensure its really them. Eden looks away from it. He'll have to burn it later.

"Wait here kid. Don't move - not an inch, do you understand? I need to talk about something you're too young for, so no listening in."

He grabs the fabric of Eden's coat, hauling him several feat away before speaking once more in hushed tones. "I'm worried about this one. They'll give me a stress heart attack when they're older, I just know it. Hope someone just adopts them so I won't have to put up with them."

No response from Eden as he looks at you over his shoulder, nodding his head when you wave at him.

Bailey continues. "They think I'm like. Their dad or something. It pisses me off, Eden, how can one kid be that dumb? I mean-"

"Or whoever raised them this far was just as much of a cold bastard as you and they think it's normal cause they don't know anything else."

Sometimes Eden says smart things. Sometimes. Bailey rarely likes it. "Yeah well they should learn better anyway."

Eden has something in his eyes when he looks back at you once more. A hint of pity and wistfulness.

"I want kids, I ever tell you that?" They're speaking quietly, but this one is whispered.

The hunter can't adopt. He doesn't have the paperwork, can't pass inspections. But you're an adventurous kid who runs off a lot.

"I can just report them missing. You'd be doing me a favour, and it's better than killing them because they know we used to be just like them."

A month passes before he's able to see Eden again. A month where it looks like the man hasn't slept and has claw marks on his face. He's smiling, though.

"The kid decided we needed a pet badger."

Fatherhood looks good on him.

"But also is asking when their other dad is coming for tea."

And you're still finding ways to make his life difficult.

[stargazer-sims]

The Art of Redemption

(part 14)

previous // next // story index

—————

Eden's cousin leaves halfway through the group class.

For students Eden's age, most of the caregivers don't hang around to watch the class. Stan's grandson Marek and three little girls Nikolai doesn't know are also in the class and they don't have any adult caregivers present either, so Eden being there without an adult family member isn't odd from Nikolai's point of view. It's the fact that the cousin would just get up and disappear before class was over that unsettles him, particularly because now class actually is over and another one will be starting soon, and there's no sign of anyone coming to collect Eden.

For his part, Eden doesn't seem bothered. Once he has his skates off, he happily climbs onto the bench and plops himself down next to Nikolai with a cheerful, "So, what did you think? Everybody in our class is really good, right?"

Eden is so tiny, the toes of his boots aren't touching the floor, and Nikolai has to remind himself that the boy is only a few months away from turning eleven. He smiles. "Everyone in your class is really good, but I'd say you and that red-haired girl are the best."

"Oh, that's Everleigh," Eden says. "She totally is the best. She wants to do pairs when she gets older, and she has a big crush on my friend Marek, but he thinks girls are gross. I like girls, but sometimes I think I like boys too, but actually I don't want to date anybody because I have to think about my career first. Are you dating anybody?"

"That's a lot, Eden. Are you always this talkative?"

"No," Eden says, casually swinging his little legs. "But, I like you."

"To answer your question, I'm not dating anybody. I'm married."

Eden nods sagely. "My dad says marriage is sacred, but I don't know about that. I think it just means you have to pay a lot of bills and complain about things like having to change the oil in your car or somebody leaving wet towels on the bathroom floor."

Nikolai laughs. "Not going to lie, I like your definition better. It's more accurate, from my experience."

"Does your wife complain about you leaving towels on the floor?"

"Yeah, and sometimes I complain about her doing it too. She complains about my cat shedding, and I complain about how long it takes her to get ready to go anywhere."

His and Anya's problems aren't nearly that trivial or innocent, but he's not about to tell a ten year old child that his marriage is in shambles and he's all but made up his mind to ask his wife to agree to a divorce. This is assuming he can work up the courage, of course. He doubts Anya will make it easy for him in any case, and he's not looking forward to the confrontation.

"I'm never getting married," Eden declares.

"Good choice," says Nikolai.

"Yeah. Yi-Joon says I'm probably going to be too high-maintenance for anyone to handle anyway, but y'know what? I'm okay with that."

"Yi-Joon?" Nikolai inquires.

"My stupid cousin," Eden clarifies. "He came here from South Korea last summer to stay with us for a year and learn English. He's so annoying. All he does besides go to language school is watch K-dramas and talk to girls on the phone and go to expensive coffee places. I don't think he even likes sports."

"We aren't all going to like the same things," Nikolai says. "Life would be kind of boring if we were all into the same stuff, don't you think? Our differences are what make us interesting."

"Maybe, if people respected what other people were into."

"Do you respect what your cousin is into?"

"He can like K-dramas if he wants to. I don't like them, but I don't try to stop him from watching them, and I don't make fun of him for it."

"That's all anyone should reasonably ask for."

"I think so too, but it's like I'm asking too much when I want people to respect what I like. I want Yi-Joon to stop making fun of me about skating. And my parents... they don't even get that It's not just a hobby. I really want to do this. Like, to be a real athlete."

"You want to know something?" Nikolai says. "My parents don't get it either. They've always supported me, but I'm not sure they've ever really understood my love for skating."

"At least they supported you," says Eden. "My parents want me to stop skating."

"Yeah, so I heard."

Nikolai glances down at the ice, where Beth-Anne has just returned and is now setting up her orange cones for the next class, which is a group of preschoolers. A different group than the one Gabriel Torres is in, he'd learned. Beth-Anne has two preschool groups, and this morning on the way to the rink she told him she's hoping that he'll be able to take over teaching one of them by autumn. He wonders if he will be.

"You know what I'm worried about?" Eden is saying.

"What is it?"

"I'm a kid. I'm not allowed to decide anything important. If my parents decide I have to stop skating, I'm gonna have to, and by the time I'm old enough to decide anything for myself, it's gonna be too late." He sighs, sounding far older than his ten years. "If Beth-Anne can't make them understand, my dream is basically dead. My parents are gonna kill it, and if that happens I don't know what I'm going to do with my life."

There are probably a thousand different responses Nikolai could make to this. He could say there's life beyond skating and that Eden's too young to stress about what to do with the rest of his life, or he could just offer some platitude about trying not to worry. But, he realizes he doesn't want to say any of that, because Eden is right.

If Eden's parents make him quit skating now, by the time he has the autonomy to make his own choices, it will be too late to be competitive in the way he clearly wants to be. Nikolai recognizes Eden's passion for the sport and his drive to succeed. It's the same energy and intensity Nikolai had; the same obsession that carried him to six top-three finishes at the World Championships, to his three Worlds gold medals, right up to the moment when he crash-landed in Taiwan.

No, it didn't end there, whispers a small, insistent voice in his mind. You still love the sport that much, and you can still succeed in it, just in a different way.

He turns to fully face Eden, who's starting up at him expectantly. "You know how I said I'd like to be your coach some day?"

"Yeah," Eden says.

"I meant that."

"I believed you," Eden tells him. "But, what's that got to do with my future if my parents make me give up skating? If I'm not skating, what'll I need a coach for?"

"Exactly," Nikolai says.

Eden looks perplexed. "This isn't helping."

"Don't worry," Nikolai says. "I am going to help you."

"How?"

"Your parents are worried about you getting hurt, aren't they?"

"Yeah," Eden confirms. "Like, all of a sudden, for some reason. It's not like I just started doing jumps or something. I could do a waltz jump when I was six and I did my first single jump when I was seven, and I fell loads of times before I got it right. My parents have seen me fall a bunch of times, but they never seemed too worried about it until this January or so."

"Maybe because it never occurred to them before that a fall could completely change your life."

"What do you mean?"

Nikolai gestures down at his leg. "I mean, it could literally change your life. I'm never going to compete again because I seriously hurt myself when fell at the Four Continents back in January."

"Wait..." Eden frowns, his delicate brows scrunching together in concentration. "You got hurt in January? Do you think my parents know anything about that?"

"I don't know," Nikolai says. "Your parents and I have never met. Do they watch competitions on TV or read sports news online?"

"They watch competitions with me sometimes, but I don't know if they watch stuff by themselves or look at anything on the internet. But... you don't think they're trying to make me stop skating because one person they don't even know got hurt, do you? 'Cause like, that's kind of stupid."

"To tell you the truth, I have no idea why they're trying to make you stop," Nikolai admits. "All I know is, somebody has to convince them that it's not a good idea."

"Somebody... like you?"

"Yeah, that's kind of what I had in mind."

"Really? You'd really do that for me? You don't even know me very well yet."

"Not yet, but I'd like us to get to know each other. Besides, you've got way too much talent to throw away your opportunities. Plus, I've seen you on the ice and it doesn't take a genius to know how happy you are when you're skating and how much you love it."

"I do love it," Eden says. "If skating was a person, I'd probably marry it."

"I thought you said you're not getting married."

"I'd make an exception for skating," Eden says. "You know, 'cause I'd want us to live happily ever after with all our medals."

"And you wouldn't complain about wet towels on the floor, or damp, stinky skate stockings?"

Eden giggles. "Maybe a little bit about the stockings. They do get pretty gross. Beth-Anne says when I get a little older, I won't have to wear them any more. She says I can just put my bare feet in my skates if I want to."

"That's pretty gross too, honestly," Nikolai says. "Trust me, I know. But, you'll be able to feel your edges better with nothing on your feet. That'll be important when you start competing."

"If I start competing."

"When," Nikolai repeats.

Eden hesitates for a beat, but then looks up to meet Nikolai's eyes and echoes. "When."

"Good," Nikolai praises him. "You have to believe in getting what you want. That's part of how you succeed."

"You're already coaching me," Eden says, sounding a little amazed. "You really did mean it."

"I'm not..." Nikolai begins, but then quickly realizes Eden isn't wrong.

How many talks has he had with Stan and Beth-Anne over the years about things only tangentially related to skating? Coaching is more than helping an athlete perfect his technical skills. It's also about helping him with his self-confidence and his overall attitude. It's about being a listening ear, a shoulder to cry on, a teacher about life as well as sport, a mentor, a confidant, a friend, and sometimes a disciplinarian. Beth-Anne has done all that for him and she's still doing it, and the thought that he's already able to pay her kindness and wisdom forward fills him with an emotion that feels like a mixture of astonishment and pride.

He smiles and offers, "You know what they say. Practice makes perfect."

Eden returns the smile. "I think you're going to be a super great coach, Nikolai."

"Thanks," he says.

"When my parents come to pick me up, you should tell them you're going to be my coach."

"I don't think—"

"Yeah, you should! You want to do it, and you said it's important to believe in getting what you want."

Nikolai grins. "So, you're obviously paying attention."

"I'm a great student," Eden says. "Anyway, the way I see it, you can't be a coach without a student, and Beth-Anne already said I'm gonna need a different coach when I get to Junior division, so I think we have to help each other get what we want."

"Okay," Nikolai says. "I'll talk to your parents when they come to get you, but maybe leave the strategy to me for now, all right?"

"Okay," Eden agrees. "This has got to work, though! With you and Beth-Anne both talking to them, they have to change their minds!"

Nikolai has to concede that Eden's enthusiasm is infectious, and he wants to be as optimistic as his potential future student, but he has the unfortunate reality of experience looming over his shoulder. He hopes the parents can be convinced to let their son continue skating, but he's enough of a realist to know that it may take more than the opinion of a stranger to sway them.

"Like I said before," he tells Eden. "I can't make any promises beyond promising to do my best."

Eden reaches over and pats his hand. "I believe in you."

Unexpectedly, Nikolai feels a lump in his throat. He barely knows this kid, but for some reason he already feels a connection with him.

Is this how Beth-Anne felt about me that first day? he wonders. He files the idea away so he can ask her about it later.

His very next thought is, I cannot let this child down.

He has no clue how he's going to do it, but somehow he has to make Eden's parents understand what's at stake. It's not just competitions and medals. It's Eden's well-being, his sense of purpose. His raison d'être, as Anya's coach Isabelle might say.

Nikolai remembers how he'd felt, hearing the doctors in Taiwan saying that he'd never skate again. To say his very soul had been crushed wouldn't be enough. It'd been as if his entire world shattered into a million pieces around him. He'd barely been able to survive that, and maybe he's not completely out of the proverbial woods yet. If it's this difficult for an adult, he shudders to think of what losing something so important would do to a young boy like Eden.

And what sort of second chance would Eden get? Unlike Nikolai, he doesn't have a new opportunity waiting for him to transition into.

Nikolai recognizes he's lucky. Coaching is a natural progression for him, especially with the knowledge that he'll be able to return to the ice soon and with Beth-Anne ready and willing to train him. It all became more tangible when his doctor here told him that not only would he make a full recovery but that he'd still be able to skate. His aching heart had swelled with hope at that news.

Now, it's growing again with a new surge of determination. He wants to succeed for Eden, but even more so for himself. The future doesn't seem as bleak and scary any more, and he wants more than anything to make it evolve into a scenario in which he isn't merely settled and unafraid, but happy, thriving and fearless once again.

[davidchiemcore]

transcript for DRDT Prologue Episode Five

Xander: All right, we did it! We introduced ourselves to everyone, Ms. Teruko!

Teruko: To be honest, you did most of the talking. I didn’t say too much; I’m not very good with people.

Teruko: Anyway, it seems like no one else has a clue as to what’s going on right now.

Eden: What do we do now? Should we just wait here?

Charles: Obviously not. What would that accomplish?

Hu: Perhaps we should explore the building further. Most of us came directly to this room.

David: I agree. If we look around, we’ll probably find some more clues, if not an exit.

Rose: What if we’re stuck here forever?

J: Don’t say that! How can you be so sure?!

Whit: I think we should all just lie down and take a nap. Kidding.

Ace: Let’s find whoever’s responsible for kidnapping us and beat the shit out of them!

Teruko: …Seems like we can’t even reach an agreement on what to do next, much less find a solution.

MonoTV: Puhuhu!

Veronika: What was that strange laugh, just now?

MonoTV: (＃°Д°) Sorry to keep you all waiting! I just wanted to make sure you all got to know each other first!

Levi: I believe the voice is coming from the speakers of that big screen.

Teruko: As we all turned to look at the source of the noise, the screen flickered on.

Min: “A brand new tv show… Danganronpa: Despair Time.” Are we doing some sort of TV screening?

MonoTV: ＼(＾o＾)／ No, silly, you’re going to *be* in this show! You are all the participants in an up-and-coming, super-exciting game show, broadcasted to the entire world!

Xander: The hell are you talking about? I’ve never signed up for any such thing. We were supposed to be at the entrance ceremony for Hope’s Peak Academy, so what the hell is going on?!

MonoTV: o(=ω< =)ρ⏜☆ Sorry kids, but your class is canceled! Aren’t you glad you don't have to go to school? No need to thank me!

Charles: This is completely ridiculous. Did you kidnap an entire class of Ultimates to coerce them into performing for some sort of asinine show?

Hu: There must be someone speaking from behind the screen. If we could find that person, we could ask them our questions directly.

MonoTV: (*￣m￣) No need to look for me, I’m right here!

MonoTV: Introduuucing–! The most important character in the cast, MonoTV! That’s me!

Teruko: …

Arturo: What is that ugly object?

Whit: Issat one of those old TV things?

Arei: It’s on some sort of weird pedestal. And it’s on, even though it’s not plugged in anywhere.

Nico: …Oh!

Teruko: Is something the matter?

Nico: ……It’s a cat.

MonoTV: Wrooong! I’m very clearly a dog.

Rose: Umm, you don't look at all like a dog. Aren’t you obviously a cat?

MonoTV: No way! Absolutely not! Could a cat do this?

MonoTV: ………………………………………………woof

Xander: Alright, this situation has got a little too ridiculous. I’m probably having a crazy dream right now. Can someone pinch me awake?

Arei: Okay, if you say so!

Xander: OW! I didn’t say to punch me, that hurt!

Xander: Wait, we’re getting distracted from the real issue at hand! Just what the fuck is going on right now??

Xander: First we all wake up in some weird building, find out we’ve missed the Hope’s Peak entrance ceremony, then this thing shows up and tells us that we’re going to film a TV show?

MonoTV: …

David: Are we not going to get an explanation?

MonoTV: The thing is…

MonoTV: I had this whole bit prepared, where I would explain everything about this premise, in a long and dramatic fashion…

MonoTV: Then I realized that that would take way too long! Besides, the audience has already seen this kind of explanation a bazillion times over, it would be so boring if I dragged it out any longer!

Ace: What the hell are you talking about?

MonoTV: So, I’m just going to explain you guys’ circumstances here as concisely as possible. 

MonoTV: First things first. You guys aren’t going to Hope’s Peak. You missed both the entrance ceremony and your school year by a long shot. A few years, in fact.

MonoTV: You can’t leave this building that you’re currently in. So, get comfortable with the fact that you’re going to live the rest of your life in this confined space.

MonoTV: Don’t worry, there are facilities for everything you need.

MonoTV: If you so desperately desire to escape this place and return to the real world, you can kill someone else here, yadda yadda yadda.

MonoTV: Then you have to do a class trial and get away with your crime or whatever. If the murderer is caught, they get punished.

MonoTV: If they get away with the crime, they can leave this place and everyone else is punished, whatever, same old stuff. Sorry I have to explain all this, workplace requirement.

MonoTV: Weeell, I think that’s it. Are there any more important things I forgot? Otherwise we’re all good to go.

J: Hang on just a sec, you just glossed over a bunch of important things!!

Veronika: If I understood your explanation correctly, the main takeaway is that we can’t leave this place unless we kill someone else.

Ace: W-W-WHAT??? Murder?! There’s no way something like that is gonna happen, right?

MonoTV: Yup, you got that right! The reason you all were brought here was for the filming of the “Killing Game TV Show.” Like it or not, you guys are only here to start killing each other.

Eden: There’s no way any of what you said is true! I refuse to believe it!

MonoTV: Refuse to believe it all you want. You’ll have plenty of time in the next few days to confirm the truth of what I’m saying.

MonoTV: Trust me there’s no avoiding your fates. No escaping outside, no ending to the TV show, no finding a way around this. The killing show is going to happen, whether you accept it or not!

Arturo: You piece of garbage… Do you think you’ll get away with this?

Arturo: People will notice that we’re all missing, and then the police will arrest you!

Rose: That’s right… I don’t think the outside world is going to miss 16 Ultimates.

MonoTV: Puhuhuhu. The outside world?

MonoTV: I said this was a TV show, right? So who do you think is watching it?

Whit: Uh, snuff film enthusiasts?

MonoTV: Everyone in your precious, so-called “outside world” is going to be watching this TV show. They’re gonna watch you all brutally murder each other, and they’ll be fine with it!

MonoTV: This is high entertainment, after all!

J: You’re kidding, right?

MonoTV: I’m just going to be honest with you guys. Y’all have been missing from society for a real long while! And the world’s changed quite a bit! Everyone’s totally ok with watching you all die!

Xander: No way… No way…

Xander: No way anything that you’re saying could possibly be true. I’m still dreaming, aren’t I?

MonoTV: Your participation in this show is not contingent on your acceptance of this situation.

MonoTV: The faster you accept it, the faster you can acclimatize to your environment, so I would suggest that you come to your senses soon.

MonoTV: Well, this concludes my explanation! You are now free to do as you wish. Return to your suites to sleep, explore this building, go to the cafeteria or a snack, whatever you want!

MonoTV: And remember, if at any point you tire of this life here, there’s always that one way out!

MonoTV: Farewell!

Levi: Wait. I just have one question for you.

MonoTV: Hm?

Levi: Are you the one responsible for this situation? Are you the mastermind?

MonoTV: Yup, I’m pretty much the boss of this place! I control everything, from the filming, to the production, to even the 30 second commercials that I’m gonna air on every other channel!

MonoTV: You’ll need a Danganronpa Prime Subscription if you want to skip those commercials!

Levi: I see. In that case…

Levi: Stop talking.

Teruko: Suddenly, Levi lunged at MonoTV and grabbed him high off the ground. He moved so fast; I didn’t even notice that he had moved at first.

MonoTV: YAAAAAAAHH!! What are you doing? This is harassment! Put me down at once!

Levi: If I were to destroy you, this whole “killing game” operation would shut down, right? You are the root of this problem.

MonoTV: Wait! Don’t do it! If you do…

Teruko: …Oh no.

MonoTV: If you do…

Teruko: I have a bad feeling about this.

MonoTV: You’ll be punished.

Teruko: …

Teruko: LEVI, WATCH OUT!!

Levi: ?!

Levi: …

Hu: What just… happened?

Teruko: …

Nico: Y-You almost… almost died…

MonoTV: Do you understand the situation you’re in now?

MonoTV: I enforce the rules around here. Fail to abide by the rules and you will be punished.

MonoTV: There is no escape from this death game.

Eden: N-no…

Eden: Please… I don’t want to hear this anymore… Just let me out…

MonoTV: Sorry, no can do! If you want to get out so badly, well, you know what you have to do for that, right?

Xander: Like hell any of us are going to commit murder! We’re not going to follow your stupid plan!

MonoTV: Say that all you want, but sooner or later you’ll crack!

Levi: Even if I can’t destroy you, I have faith in my classmates that we’ll remain together and not succumb to such a desperate act.

David: Mr. Levi’s right! We’re all going to work together! We’re not going to fight each other like you want us to!

David: Do you really think we’ll lose hope because you say we will? Give us more credit. We are Ultimates, after all.

MonoTV: Whatever you saaay~! Keep telling yourself that!

MonoTV: Well, that’s my cue to leave for real this time! Do whatever you want! After all, you’ll be here for a while. So why not have some fun?

MonoTV: Upupupu!

Prologue - Surviving Students: 16

MonoTV: Oh, one more thing I forgot to mention.

MonoTV: Even if you can find a way to destroy me without getting killed, it’s not going to do anything. There’s someone controlling me, so I’m not the source of this.

MonoTV: You said you wanted to trust each other? Try this one on for size:

MonoTV: The real mastermind is one of you.

MonoTV: Take that information however you will!

MonoTV: That concludes the prologue of this little show! Don’t forget to stay tuned in for chapter 1, dear viewers!

[silvertsundere]

Silver Talks AniManga (30/06/24)

alright with this, this season is offically over for me and it was p good overall despite some worse than they coulda been adaptations

next week starts the next season tho there's not a ton of stuff starting for me right away

blue - finale/completed

Anime

Blue Archive Ep12 (Finale)

Considering how much money BA makes this was pretty disappointing, it could've been so much better. While the op looked good the rest of the show looked weird, like it had some filter over it. I thought maybe it was cause, since there isn't a simulcast, of some weird encoding of the video but then the op would look off too. But anyway, other than that the animation was serviceable but never anything impressive. The music was good ofc but it was just the game's tracks so that's to be expected (with a couple remixes here and there), and the voice cast was also good. The best thing about the anime was all the extra original scenes they had, which were all good and added to the original story.

It's been a week since the finale aired and this post and there hasn't been a S2 announced so that's unfortunate. As much as I like the abydos girls, the arisu story and eden treaty are just waaaaay better than this. I understand that it's an intro to the world and such, and it does a good job of that but I'd like to see those other chapters animated as well. Tho, if they do it, I hope they step up the quality cause they for sure can do it if they want

TL;DR: Good to watch if you're a fan of the game if not just to just the girls animated and the original scenes and it's also a decent enough adaptation for people that are interested but didn't want to play for whatever reason, tho there's some cameos and references that would fly over your head at some points

Girls Band Cry Ep13 (Finale)

well that was a good show. was balancing between an 8 and a 9 but after the finale decided to go with the 8. biggest reason for this is cause I have it in the same headspace as jellyfish so liked it more "so clearly it should have a higher score" but obviously they can both be 8s and I still liked one more, but anyway. Really good, single handedly made me change my mind about CG shows, tho it's an unfair comparison to other people since this was toei and they have experience with Precure and more recently the DBS Hero movie

I won't yap about this one too much like I do sometimes. If you were interested in the show but put off cause it's CG then don't and just check it out. The story is about sticking to your convictions even when "everyone" seems to doubt you, but also to learn to open up and rely on your friends and family cause you're, ultimately, not alone. The whole cast was really fun and had great chemistry, tho I feel like Tomo and Rupa coulda gotten a bit more development if they joined earlier in the season and despite all of Nina's faults that they make sure to portray correctly, she is a nice MC that you want to see succeed and root for. The music was really good, as you'd expect from a music show. A lot of eps ended with a concert performance with a full on MV included, instead of the ED, and they were always pretty cool

I said I wouldn't yap much but starting to do it so TL;DR: Watch it despite being CG, it's a fun show and well worth the watch. Wouldn't mind getting some more in the future but I don't see it happening considering how it ended but oh well

Oh also, I think I mentioned it in the first ep? But anyway, I love nari (the chara designer) so it was great seeing their stuff animated like this. I've followed them for years and years and years so it's cool seeing their progress and participating in a big project. Hoping for more good things for them in the future

Kaiju 8 Ep 12

Well that was sadly pretty disappointing. Now don't get me wrong, I know the series is pretty generic, but the manga is good enough that it elevates it above that. The manga was already very popular long before the anime even got announced so they wanted to make the anime a hit too, which lead them to playing it too safe and trying to appeal to the mainstream audience, making it lack the juice that makes the manga so good. We had little flashes of this through out the show with a couple scenes here and there, ep 9 (the best one), 11 and 12 were very good, and if the whole series had had that level of quality it would've been a much better show but oh well. I said this many times but the decision to have the OP and ED done by generic radio pop western artists was such a huge red flag, that completely showed their intentions, but I still had hope

Like if something like Jujutsu can become such a smash hit, despite the plot being so all over the place, due to the simple fact that they let the anime staff cook and make something different and unique, it should show you that trying to appeal to the most milquetoast anime watcher isn't the way and that's just gonna make your show enjoyable but forgettable to that target audience and serviceable but disappointing to your existing fans. Oh well.. it's a shame but it is what it

Anyway, as expected, they announced S2 shortly after the finale. I'll be looking forward to that and hoping it'll be better but I don't have much hope it won't be just more of the same

Manga

Kyokuto Necromance Ch10

the series hasn't been doing hot in ratings but this chap had the axe vibes all over it so I guess that's enough confirmation. it's unfortunate that this author has another cancelled series on his hands. I thought this one had potential, maybe not to be a hit, but at least to last for a while. And like I understand why people are not vibing with it but it's still a shame, oh well

[teotalksaboutstuff]

Danganronpa Despair Time Chapter 2: Episodes 3, 4, and 5

Episode 3

-so no teruko traitor reveal? pog 

-monotv’s incompetence makes him my favorite host of any killing game. reminds me a lot of danganronpa: safety’s on, basically DR1 but Monokuma is about as incompetent as MonoTV is. it’s a great read, highly reccommended.

-teruko being bad at caulking a bathroom is so me. also of course monotv isn’t going to reveal the information but him not knowing it himself is interesting.

-hey, nice caulk.

-people changing clothes being this big thing is very funny

-charles’ straight up phobia of blood is uh... there’s clearly something deeper going on here

-teruko, put the fucking knife away. as much as it’s within reason that you’d be this paranoid, this does make you look like you are trying to murder Charles here, at least to him.

-id love to know whose motive Charles had, now that Teruko’s got it.

-loving charles and teruko actually being friends of some sort now that their positions have basically reversed since chapter 1.

-Chiteruko? i actually like the idea of those three as a polycule and want to see more whit/teruko interactions.

-MonoTV jumping on charles XD

-teruko playing with cacti i literally cannot???? best scene in chapter 2 by FAR

-living for the eden jumpscare here

-THE EDEN GREMLIN SPRITE MAKES ITS APPEARANCE. GOD I LOVE HER.

-Eden’s hope speech is also iconic. Her knowing the world is kinda fucked but still being kind anyways is something Teruko clearly needed to hear.

Episode 4

-what is the tea

-the gurlz are fighting

-naur

-teruko sandwich duck face

-ace markey, the ultimate allistic

-by all rules of danganronpa arei should have died here, and i am so grateful monotv isn’t competent enough to actually enforce the rules but at the same time is arei the mastermind? ofc he wouldn’t kill the mastermind.

-veronika living for the fights is also very me

-’you’ve been acting jerkishly as well’ eden she is literally being deadnamed and STALKED are you blind. J is 100% in the right here.

-nico fucking roasting ace is funny, and i get why he’d think its constructive criticism because i too am autistic and would think much the same.

-see, veronika gets it

-when death threats are the only way to properly resolve an argument

-arei lashing out at monotv is iconic tbh

-jesus christ arei yeah that reaction is a sensible one given your circumstances

-”hey, just so you know, failed hanging attempts are pretty painful” teruko wtf, im not entirely sure how that was intended to be helpful?

-we know what the tea is

-the gurlz are still fighting

-naur

-teruko has 99 problems and these bitchez aren’t about to be number 100

-charles making cucumber flowers is iconic

-DAVID YES YOU STEP IN THERE AND HELP THEM

-yeah people are gonna be... super hesitant about the motive secret thing, and teruko defo needs to talk to the person whose motive was originally charles’ as well as rose, whose she has

-see, j at least has the decency to ask the person before telling their secret

-eden has a dude’s motive secret evidently, maybe levi’s? that would be significant.

-who is the someone they’re inviting

Episode 5

-Arei’s typical ew reaction to everything, unsurprising. Makes sense she’d want to talk about motive though given her position.

-Granted leaving Arei out was before Xander died but nO AREI YOU ARE BECOMING A WORSE TERUKO LIKE AM I THE ONLY ONE NOTICING THE PARALLEL HERE OR AM I SEEING THEM WHERE THERE ARENT ANY?

-Teruko’s reaction being what it is does not surprise me.

-MORE AREI GREMLIN SPRITES WOOT

-oh wow arei actually wasn’t bluffing when she said she had nothing to hide

-is _ illegal nahhhh let arei be a girlboss yall just dont want to see women win

-teruko please stop acting as if you have any moral high ground here 

-i mean unless something like this happened to you then thats another matter entirely

-the true arei trauma dump. contextualizes literally everything about her in a way that actually makes me fascinated with her as a wonderfully complex character. 

-naturally this would develop into a philosophy where kindness is weakness, yeah

-DAVREI??? FUCK YES I SHIP IT!!

-ah, rose time

-yass art therapy, but i can understand why teruko was so freaked out by it

-in all fairness i dont know how you would respond to someone saying the stuff rose was about teruko

-TERUKO THATS LIKE SAYING I HATE YOU TO AN ARTIST?? LIKE CMON TERUKO YOU ARE MAKING IT REALLY HARD FOR ME TO DEFEND YOU THIS CHAPTER

-naturally, rose is fine with the secret coming out. she even has her own trauma dump scene with teruko

-i mean we been knew that teruko didn’t actually mean any of that and now rose maybe does?

-nico was mother for that tbh

-please don’t forget him down there ;-;

-the implication that nico actually likes the teruko gore art is an interesting one

-loving how nico wants rose to teach him painting omg

[rosetheex-editor]

[Video transcript start.]

[The transcript begins from someone's shirt pocket, two sets of footsteps heard walking up to a door. The door is swung open but the name “Ruby” and a handprint drawn in blood can still be seen.]

?: God… Am I really ready to do this?

[Voice identified: Rose Elizabeth Henderson.]

[The woman walks close to the door but stops, seemingly freezing in place.]

?: Is something wrong?

[Voice identified: Edgar.]

R: I uh… Didn’t think it would be this hard to walk in here… Haven't been in this room since june.

E: Do you want me to go first?

R: Can we walk in at the same time?

E: Oh, yeah, of course.

[The two people walk into the room at the same time, a dark blood soaked room. The walls and desks are covered in incoherent writing that can barely be seen.]

R: Hm… Ok… Forgot how creepy this fucking room was.

E: Yeah… I guess I never really looked around when I fought Emi here.

[Rose chuckles, walking over to one of the walls. A light from the phone makes it possible to read the words “MY FAULT.” and “REMEMBER.” written in blood.]

R: Huh… Forgot about that too.

E: Jeez… how old is all of this?

R: This section was probably written like a month or two before I got out… I think?

E: Fuckin’ hell, should we… go somewhere where there’s less or…?

R: It's fine… It's uh, kinda topical on why I asked to come here to talk with you.

E: Oh, well… should we sit down, then?

[Rose turns around to face Edgar, who is smiling softly at her, his eyes look tired, but he manages to play it off well enough. His hand goes up to brush a bit of hair out of his face, accidentally touching the bandages on a spot on his forehead, he flinches slightly, but doesn’t look away.]

R: You can, I think I'm going to stand.

[Edgar nods, and sits down on the floor, crossing his legs.]

R: Sorry for doing this all forty-eight hours after you got unmasked, but [Between awkward laughing.] I think if I waited any longer to talk about it I might go insane.

E: I don’t mind, I needed something to help take my mind off of it.

R: First, the only thing I was waiting to tell you. I fought Nicholas like a bit before he died. He broke my rib, I kicked his balls in and attacked him with your crowbar until…

E: Until…?

R: He switched it on me and almost crushed my windpipe in…

E: Jesus– That sounds… fucking terrifying.

R: Yeah um… Now you might be asking yourself ‘Wait, how did you stop him? Did someone help you?’ Yes… But you might not like who.

E: … [Slowly.] Eden…?

R: No Cassius.

E: Oh. [Long pause.] Why?

R: Well… Uh I have two… Technically three theories, might be right or wrong. A. He hates Nicholas for killing him and trying to take over PR, more than he hates me. B. He realized that if Nicholas killed me Ness would have um… Broken into the mall which Ophelia really doesn't want to happen. Or C. Both.

E: Huh… I… hm. I don’t know him, so I couldn’t tell you.

R: Me neither, I got my PR not being heartless info from Mari Ness and Will.

E: Same here, honestly.

R: Oh, and um… Alexander is kinda the MVP of being nice to us here in the mall, he literally sacrificed himself for Mari when Ruby attacked them, and played Mario Party with Sparrow and Peony after… Y'know.

E: Ah.

R: ANYWAY! Getting off topic. Why I brought you here.

E: Right, right, yeah.

R: I… I think I'm finally ready…

[Edgar tilts his head to the side, raising one eyebrow.]

R: I'm ready to try and move on… Not let Showfall have any guilt or past traumas to hold over my head anymore.

E: Oh. That’s… that’s a very big step forward, Rose. I’m proud of you.

R: Yeah… I brought you here, to tell you the whole truth of what happened with both Ruby and… Emi… And also to make a promise or two.

E: Sounds like a plan. Thank you for trusting me enough to do this, Rose.

R: Well… You're my dad… You deserve to know.

[Edgar nods.]

R: Guess I'll start with the easy one… Because Emi is obviously still alive.

E: Alright, tell me whenever you’re ready. I’m not going anywhere.

R: Ok… Um January 4th 2006, I was trying to escape with Ruby… She had a knife, I had an old computer. We had gotten split up. I ended up… In a very dark part of the mall when an employee. Emi. Ran up to me in the dark trying to attack me… I hit her 13 times with the computer… I had blood on the heels of my shoes for months… I didn't even know…

[Rose begins silently crying. The camera still facing Edgar.]

[Edgar reaches a hand out and pats Rose on the shoulder in an attempt to comfort her.]

R: Thanks I um… God…

E: You’re fine, you didn’t know. You did what you had to.

R: Hm… I god… Why am I trying to drag this out…

E: It’s a tough subject. I do the same thing sometimes.

R: I have to talk about it eventually…

E: But that doesn’t make it any easier. Take all the time you need, Rose.

R: Here I have the perfect idea to try and make this a bit easier…

E: Hm?

[Rose throws a semi large bag into frame, clearly having taken it off her back. After a deep breath she reaches down and pulls a box out of the bag.]

E: What’s that?

R: The gift Ruby left in the vent hideout, still haven't opened it.

E: Oh, alright. You’re… going to open it here?

R: No time like the present right?

E: Haha, present. [Slight pause.] Yeah, sorry.

R: Ok… Here we go.

[Rose holds the present for roughly 5 seconds before sighing.]

R: Wait… Fuck.

E: Do you want some help?

R: Yes please, I kinda uh… Forgot.

[Edgar reaches forward to help Rose open the present.]

[Rose's whole torso moves to look inside the box, inside is a red sweater with Rose's on it, a VHS tape, a photo and on the bottom a red blanket.]

R: Oh…

E: That’s… huh. That’s very sweet.

R: It's uh… I think I recognize the blanket actually…

E: Oh?

R: Yeah it's um… The one I had when I was little…

E: Aw.

R: The sweater is um… Hm… It's too big.

E: Maybe we could… hm. Well, I’m not the best at sewing, at least with actual clothing, so…

R: Ruby told me… Give stuff to people in need so…

[Rose grabs the sweater and slowly hands it to Edgar.]

R: You need a sweater… And a change of clothes. Dried blood can't be good for your skin

E: I– are you sure? That’s a gift from your sister, I wouldn’t want to take that away from you.

R: It means more to me if I get to use it to help you… Ruby would've wanted me to help people in need.

E: [A long pause.] Alright. Thank you, Rose. Genuinely.

R: No problem, now um… Ok fuck… I can't ignore the elephant in the room.

E: Yeah, you ready to keep talking?

R: I think so… Ready to hear the whole story of mine and Ruby's fight?

E: Mhm.

R: [A long pause.] So a few months before I escaped… Ruby had um came back to the hideout covered in wounds from a fight, she was telling me everything was fine… It clearly wasn't… She had um… I only found out towards the end that… She overheard Mai talking about Sparrow, and how she ‘Didn’t know Ruby had a kid.’

E: Hm.

R: Yeah, she shoved me out of the way telling me not to worry about it… She told me some things are better left hidden, she got more mad and brought up our mom's affair… I stabbed her in the leg…

[Edgar’s eyebrows crease inward, then they raise slightly. He seems to have connected a few things.]

R: She walked off and I followed… Screaming at her, she told me… About Sparrow… Well at least that she ‘Had a kid.’... I pushed her for keeping shit from me…

[Edgar nods, encouraging Rose to keep going.]

R: [Between crying.] Three employees came running, Ruby pushed me behind a column and was dragged away… I watched as they took her from me, I did nothing… I watched as she begged for her life…

E: Rose, come here.

[Edgar holds his arms out, and the two hug.]

R: [Sobbing.] I watched her plead for her fucking life and did nothing… I… I…

E: I know, I know. Let it all out, Rose. I’m here.

[Rose continues sobbing, the camera obscured by Edgar's shirt.]

R: [Still sobbing.] I don't want to lose anyone… Ever ever again… Not here…

E: You won’t. I’ll make sure of it, you won’t lose anyone else.

R: That reminds me… The promises…

E: Hm?

R: First… I'm never letting you go anywhere by yourself again… I can't lo- Let anyone lose you again… And don't want to lose you again…

E: Woah– that’s… that may be a little extreme, yeah?

R: Edgar. I have lost you. SEVEN fucking times now, never again.

E: That’s… fair. But I don’t want you getting hurt somehow because of this.

R: I have three bullets in my fucking gun, realistically I only need two to get everyone out. Also, I roundhouse kicked the head of PR in the fucking head once.

E: It’s not fighting that I’m worried about, we’re both actually kinda good at that, it’s… running. I don’t know if you can keep up if we need to sprint.

R: Edgar. I'm fast. As fuck. We've been over this.

E: Speed and endurance, Rose. I can run for… well, hours if need be. I don’t know how well you can do with that.

R: I ran from this room to the window I escaped from in record time, and besides I have… Decent endurance, not great but good enough.

E: If we’re talking about speed with escaping, I carried you from Mai’s office all the way outside.

R: I… Probably could have ran. Also, didn't she literally say there was a window open?

E: Er… yeah. I just… didn’t want to leave without causing some damage.

R: Anyway… Second promise. I promise you, either both of us are getting out or neither of us are.

E: That’s… again, yeah, that’s a little fair. But… Hm.

R: I'm not leaving any more family behind.

E: … Alright.

R: Y'know even if you don't think you deserve escape, Which I can tell dude… Experience… You do deserve that.

E: How the fuck–

R: Edgar, I tried 37 fucking times before I got out… I have felt like I didn't deserve to escape more times than I can count.

E: Yeah, you’re… you’re right.

R: If you ever doubt that fact, remember something A… Woman much wiser than me said… Have to switch it a little bit though…

[Rose coughs.]

R: Despite everything… You're still my dad Edgar, NOTHING will ever change that.

E: I… Thank you.

R: Of course, ugh… Feels nice… Finally talking to someone about everything…

E: Yeah, it feels great to talk about shit like that, but it’s really easy to forget that. I would know a lot about that last bit.

R: Hm yeah… When we get back you should uh, probably talk to Mari about taking a break from planning for a day. They literally have not slept since you got back.

E: I’ll talk to them.

R: Yeah um… Also, S- [Long pause.] Sparrow needs to talk with you.

E: Thanks for letting me know.

R: Yeah, um… Do you just want to talk about stuff? I uh, have a game I really liked when I was a kid.

E: Hm… maybe, yeah. I don’t know. What’s the game you liked?

R: Super mario RPG for the super nintendo.

E: Huh, I’ve never heard of that.

R: IT'S REALLY FUN! LIKE REALLY REALLY FUN!

E: Oh? I’d love to play it sometime, then! Maybe we could do a playthrough together!

R: They made a remake on the console thingy Ness bought me… But I didn't get to play it before y'know…

[Rose's hand pops into frame to sarcastically point at the mall.]

R: THIS.

E: Haha, yeah… when we get out, we can play it together.

R: It'll be fun, maybe I can play half-life. I actually think Mari said something about buying it on my computer I think…

E: Wait, really?

R: Yeah! Something about it being free?

E: That’s awesome! I didn’t know that was a thing at all!

R: You can play it if you want? In all honesty you might have more luck getting my computer away from Sparrow then I do.

E: That would be great, actually.

R: Cool, I'll ask Peony about it when we get bac- ACTUALLY… That’s something I wanted to ask you about, do you trust Peony? I mean… I do, but after everything that happened?

E: I… trust them if Sparrow does.

R: Fair… I just… I'm glad the kid is happy.

E: Same here.

R: I… Hm nevermind…

[Rose sighs seemingly upset.]

E: What’s up?

R: Cassidy tried fighting against the mask on the island…

E: Oh.

R: I just… I want to help her… I know I can't but I want to.

E: We’ll figure something out.

R: I… Sparrow told Delilah, they didn't want to lose you like they lost Cassidy…

E: … Ah… Um.

R: Yeah… I just… I know what it's like to leave a sibling behind… I don't want Sparrow to go through that even if they aren't siblings by blood.

E: Mhm…

R: On a happier note, Ness bought you something for when you get out, she bought it around the time Will found you in the tunnels I think…

E: Really? What?

R: Got you new head rests for the car, and also a bunch of doctor pepper.

E: Aw, that’s nice of her.

R: Yeah… Hm…

E: I… huh.

R: What’s up?

E: Is it really that simple? Just… ask someone to talk and then… do that?

R: I mean, yeah… Sometimes. Why do you ask?

E: I guess I just never realized that.

R: Took me a while to figure it out… I uh, did you wanna talk?

E: … maybe later.

R: Ok… Hm… Ugh.

[Rose can be heard headbutting the metal desk, seemingly out of annoyance.]

E: Hey, let’s not do that, alright? You’re going to hurt yourself.

R: She's under that mask dad… Cassidy is still there, and there is nothing any of us can do… Makes me feel useless…

E: [A sigh.] I get that. We’ll figure it out. I promise we’ll help her.

R: I… We have to figure something out… please…

E: We will.

R: Ok… I uh… Sorry… For getting you caught up in the middle of my stuff with Emi…

E: Don’t apologize, Rose. It’s fine. I’d rather be caught up in this than not be, because this way, I can help you.

R: [Muffled.] You're the best dad an idiot like me could've asked for.

E: Hey, you’re not an idiot. Don’t say that about yourself. You’re smarter than a lot of people I’ve met. Negative self talk is not going to fly anymore.

R: I got my arm ripped off thinking my sister was still alive… A smart person wouldn't do that.

E: Yes, but a grieving person would. You weren’t in a good state of mind. You’re okay, Rose. You’re not dumb, you’re not a screw-up. You’re my fucking daughter, and I wouldn’t want anyone else but you to have that spot.

R: I…

[Rose can be heard beginning to cry once again, the tears seemingly not going to stop for a while.]

R: [Crying, this lasts for the rest of the transcript.] Thank you… Thank you dad…

E: It’s no problem, if you ever need that reminder again, I’ll be right here.

R: Yeah I uh… Fucking hell…

E: Hold on. [A pause.] Oh, you’re kidding.

R: W- What?

E: Transcript light.

R: GOD DAMNIT, END TRANSCRIPT.

[Transcript ended.]

[estellamiraiauthor]

The Stars May Rise and Fall: The Annotated Re-read (Chapter 1)

Hey there Tumblr, long time no see! Let’s try something fun and new!

So, a few years ago, when The Stars May Rise and Fall was first published, I tried to do an “annotated copy” as a giveaway—i.e. a paperback with all my little “making of” notes in the margins. That lasted… about three pages, before I gave up on writing legibly enough for anyone else to read AND on cramming everything I wanted to say literally between the lines.

But I still really do like the IDEA of a sort of on-screen commentary, and it’s feeling like about time for a re-read anyway. (Yes, I read my own book. Why write the book you want to read if you’re not going to actually read it, amirite?) So… why not do it here?

Feel free to read along, if you like. If you haven’t read The Stars May Rise and Fall yet but are just generally interested in Phantom retellings or whatnot, this first one won’t spoil anything you can’t get in the “Look inside” preview on Amazon, although future ones might. So grab a copy and join me?

Regret is a pretty strong word, and not one I’m sure I want to use at all about this book, which is very much the book of my heart, the book I wrote because I wanted to read it and it didn’t exist. But if I regret anything about it, it’s that I decided to make the Andrew Lloyd Webber musical the first version of Phantom I paid homage to. Now, I definitely don’t regret including the ALW Phantom in the MANY versions I ultimately ended up giving little nods too. Like a lot of angsty kids in the 90s, it was the version that really got me interested in seeking out others, after all. But seeing reviews (and before that, rejections from literary agents) saying that they stopped reading after two or three chapters because “it followed the ALW musical too closely”… maybe I should have modelled the opening scenes after a different version, or just done something entirely new.

Still, it is what it is. And back in 2004 or whenever it was when I first had the idea for a visual kei Phantom retelling, I didn’t really consider opening with any other format than the tried and true “Phantom character hears Christine character singing, reaches out through the mirror to offer help” kind of formula.

A lot of it was also shaped by the venue itself. While “Rock Eden”, the live house where Teru and his band most often perform, doesn’t exist by that name, it’s basically Meguro Rock Maykan—which is a real venue, that at the time looked the way it’s described in the book and is still in the same location. And I knew from the start that that was where I wanted to set my Phantom. While most live houses are standing room only, or might have a few bar stools at the back, Rock Maykan apparently used to be an adult theater (it was certainly SOME kind of movie theater; the adult part could be an urban legend), and as of 2000, when the book is set, had these old-fashioned theatre seats (which have since been removed) and a balcony that’s off-limits to ticket holders but could be accessed by venue staff and anyone with a backstage pass. I’ve also been backstage there, and the dressing room is (or was at the time), practically wallpapered with old backstage passes and graffiti… perfect for a story that so deeply involves the ghosts of both people and dreams.

So, the mirror was that backstage mirror, and “Box Five” was going to be that balcony. Because of course no one has private dressing rooms in tiny little hole-in-the-wall venues like this, I couldn’t have Rei, my Phantom, talking to Teru directly through the mirror, but I wanted that basic formula for the opening… for better or worse. Sorry, one-star Amazon reviewer?

One of the things I always kind of imagined people would ask me once the book was a big hit (haha!) was how, exactly, Rei heard Teru singing and managed to contact him. At one point, I had written part of that scene in Rei’s point of view as well, but ended up dropping that point of view entirely (again, to the chagrin of several reviewers). Maybe someday I’ll be famous enough to get to do a Midnight Sun from his POV? XD

Anyway, if you’re interested. Teru has a backstage pass that gets him into the dressing room (and the balcony, if he wants, but he doesn’t have any reason to want to go up there until later). But Rei has access to EVERYTHING, including places where only the venue staff would be able to go, thanks to Chizuru, his assistant-slash-former hair and makeup artist, who now works part-time at Rock Eden. This is never really laid out on the page, but my sort of headcanon is that the owner/manager (who also never appears on-page) is one of the few people in the industry who knows that Rei survived the accident that disfigured him, and that Chizuru basically got the job (despite having income from elsewhere) so that she could secure access for Rei so that he could continue to scout talent. Now, I don’t ACTUALLY know what the venue-staff-only areas look like (I’ve been backstage, but as a staff member for a band, not the venue itself)… but that’s at Rock Maykan. This is Rock Eden, the fictional version, so we can go ahead and assume that there’s some kind of back hallway that can’t be accessed from the dressing room, but is separated from it by a thin wall, and that Rei heard Teru singing and talking to his bandmates from there.

These shows also used to have flyers for each band. (I’m not sure if they still do; musicals and things have definitely cut back on the amount of paper they pass out.) Fans would receive a pack of flyers when they entered the venue, and Chizuru, as staff, could easily take a pack from the pile. So Rei hears Teru singing to himself, thinks he’s got the right voice for his music, and then Yasu comes in, and they start talking. At some point, someone uses Teru’s name, and Rei asks Chizuru to get him a pack of flyers, which he uses to figure out which band Teru is in. There’s only one Teru playing that night, so he’s able to use the flyers to figure out that Teru is the drummer from La Rose Verboten, so he knows who Teru is when he comes onstage, despite having only heard his voice before.

And I think he kinda falls in love right there. He doesn’t WANT to… ohhh, there are SO many reasons he doesn’t want to, and he doesn’t dare to think that there’s any chance that ANYONE would ever love him back, but somewhere, buried deep under a lot of trauma and denial, he sees Teru onstage—and Teru LOVES being onstage, he loves music and it absolutely shines through—and Rei, despite himself, wants to talk to him.

I think there’s a lot of internal warring with himself over the course of Teru’s set, which would be maybe 20 minutes long. Rei knows he shouldn’t, it’s SUCH a bad idea to reach out to this guy who’s got this beautiful voice but also is just So Gorgeous… but he has to. And he has these business cards, because this was before you could just wave your phones at each other to exchange contact information and that was how you’d make connections, so he sucks up his fear and writes a note, and gives it to Chizuru before he can lose his nerve.

And Chizuru knew where to drop it because all of these bands are using the same dressing room, and a lot of them would have the same or similar equipment, so they write their names on electrical tape and stick it to their stuff, so she found the equipment that said Teru and La Rose Verboten and was able to leave it where he would find it. In case anyone was wondering.

The actual structure of the chapter itself… I’m still not sure if I love it. This opening was ROUGH for me to write, partially BECAUSE I knew that I was opening with kind of a cliché scene and needed to make it enough of a “hook” to make people want to read beyond that. There were literally maybe about 50 versions of it over the years, and I ended up with the current version, where the whole “hearing the beautiful voice through the mirror” thing has already happened and is being recounted as a memory in past-perfect, and the “present” of the story is Teru later that night, back in his apartment, going through the same kind of internal battle over whether he’s actually going to call this mystery number.

Of course, he does, and I think this kind of mirrors what Rei must have gone through earlier (so, maybe I should’ve kept that POV?). He KNOWS it can’t possibly be an actual talent scout or record producer… but Teru and Rei both, despite being pessimistic over a lot of things, always have a little spark of optimism buried somewhere in there, too. So he calls. And he falls in love just a little with Rei’s voice too, although he also buries that deep because he’s so firmly in denial about his sexuality at this point.

This is another point I get a LOT of flack about—how unrealistic it is that Teru would just agree to go to this guy’s apartment when they don’t know each other at all. And all I can say about that is… I definitely did similar things when I was Teru’s age (21). Was it the safest thing to do? Nope. Would I want my kids doing the same thing? Hell no, absolutely not. But do 21-year-olds do stupid things sometimes? You bet! So, yes, I have gone to the tiny Tokyo apartments of people I didn’t know very well. Including men. Including older men. And I was fine, not because that was a good decision—again, it is MOST EMPHATICALLY NOT—but because I was lucky. Like a lot of the people who do a few stupid things in their youth are.

As far as whether this fictitious character in a work of fiction is supposed to be a role model or whatever—it’s a novel for adults, about some pretty complicated and dark and occasionally messed-up stuff. (See also Rei’s struggle to accept his disabilities… is it the Best Possible Reaction™️ to the situation? Absolutely not. But you can’t say it’s not a reaction that a human being could feasibly have.) I think it’s pretty clear that I did NOT intend this to be some kind of morality lesson on how to have the perfect relationship and love yourself in the process. I understand that some readers want every bad decision to have negative consequences… in the case of Rei, I think a lot of the self-destructive behavior eventually does. But yeah, Teru does something stupid and dangerous and doesn’t suffer because of it… and that happens to real people too, every day.

I honestly think a big part of it, too, was my terrible-in-hindsight decision to list this as LGBT+ romance on Amazon. It’s a love story. It’s not a genre romance novel. These characters weren’t written to be “romantic heroes” and in the end, I do wish I had just listed it as general fiction, because I think I inadvertently set up certain stylistic, character, and plot expectations that the story was never intended to meet.

So. The beginning. I don’t really love it. But it’s certainly a hell of a lot better than the very very first draft from 2005, which was basically a shitty songfic of X Japan’s “Unfinished.” :P

[miscreantahead]

I'm having a self-love and also a loud-mouth today and I've been watching a lot of "why X live action adaptation of manga/anime was terrible" video which has made me want to be negative. Just still not over this so I just want to compile a list of things that made it impossible for me to stay immersed and enjoy gomens2. This is brought to you by reading stuff about how it just doesn't vibe with "x audience" NO season 1 didn't really vibe with me, but I still liked it because it was fundamentally good in most respects. Also the idea that people who didn't like it didn't just because they felt Aziraphale was stinky at the end. So, anyway, specific things I couldn't stand: 1. Crowley and Aziraphale meeting as angels even though that scene in eden in season one was easily read as the first time they met. I was very VERY willing to forgive this one because the scene was cute and well done, but in retrospect it should have been a warning for what was to come.

2. the birds making goat noises. they didn't need to make goat noises. they could have just been there, tons of birds of the same species just hanging around for no reason, Aziraphale could have put that together. you really had to make them baaaa?? that scene would have been so clever and fun without the goat noises. Petty, probably, but another thing I would have forgiven if it wasn't for what followed.

3. The entire, ridiculous, long, drawn-out and painful sequence of convincing the angels that Job's kids were not the same kids. What the fuck even was that, there had to be 99 better was to execute that but they overthought it.

4. Crowley introduces Aziraphale to food was the first sign that I felt like they were an annoying level of 'these two are everything to each other even on a stupid, unnecessary level and they basically have no characteristics that are completely independent of one-another' which continued throughout the rest of the past storylines.

5. The bullet catching thing was so stupid and boring, the whole thing, and the ending where he magics away the photo was probably the most cliche and poorly executed "aha!" i've seen in a while, and they seriously dedicated an entire (the worst) episode to building up to it. You basically ruined the book-rescue scene and moment by branching that nonsense off of it.

6. What the hell even was the entire grave robbing episode? Somehow not as bad as the magician episode though.

8. The plot point of trying to convince heaven Nina and Maggie were in love by making them fall in love was so fucking... ugh I wanna say it I just want to say it it was soooooo fffffff...fffaaaaannffiiii okay you get it.

9. The exploding halo things was weird and goofy and "oh you exploded your halo not only did it solve all of the problems currently present but it summoned everyone we need to the area so we can deliver this final reveal" what the fuck was that.

10. Beelzebub and Gabriel, while the fact that their relationship spanned the entirety of the season from the first scene offered a microscopic amount of charm, the actual reveal was so B and half-assed that even though Beelzebub's actress did a very nice job with the love-struck looks that almost got me all by themselves it was otherwise practically unwatchable.

11. Maggie and Nina's talk with Crowley was so 90's romcom and not in a good way, it didn't belong. I use talks as awkward and forced as that when I don't feel like doing actual work to develop romance when writing fanfiction. You literally could have left that out and let Crowley react to Beelzebub and Gabriel by confessing instead. You overthought it, you did too much, an innocent mistake but the pile was already so big that I'm throwing it on.

12. So, basically, by the time the actual dramatic scene which was actually not that terrible as a whole, the dialogue was weird at times but david tennant's delivery especially rescued it every single step of the way but it didn't fucking matter because I was already emotionally numb to the entire situation from all the bullshit they tried to sell me in the first 5 episodes.

The acting was good, the humor was honestly great, I did at least laugh a lot which at least let me get some joy out of the experience. Even the visuals were absolutely fine to me. It really was just the writing, everything else tried so hard to save it but it's a story, the writing is key.

[the-chihayafuru-landslide]

Charles Rambles: on Chiharata and shipping the losing ship

I’m currently working on something else but I had to break away for a bit because this train of thought was too long to include and needed a post proper. This is a topic I have always wanted to discuss but have been too scared to because people are always ready to jump you in a dark alleyway if they even hear Arata’s name mentioned in vain. Well guess what DING DONG bitch ANSWER THE FKIN DOOR because today I’m breaking my silence and talking about Chiharata.

I mean lucky for me most of the avid Chiharata shippers have died in the war and what else do I have to lose since I am already hated by quite a few in this fandom (lol). So anyways this is more of a ramble (not an essay) on why I never shipped Chiharata and the reasons why I think it would have been a lacklustre ending to Chihayafuru on the basis of the way that Chiharata was PURPOSELY written.

You should have known it was over for your when Arata did the platonic Eden no Hana goodbye handshake. I blame the flowers.

For anyone who knows me, I was an Arata hater from day 1. When I was about to watch the anime people told me I was going to like the 2ND ML (Taichi) more and be very depressed. I was like pffff yeah right we’ll see about that. Then it happened exactly the way they said it would. The moment Taichi was introduced I was like oh noooo that guy lol he’s the one. Then for the rest of Chihayafuru I laid awake in anguish as I watched Chihaya have a crush on Arata FOR NO DISCERNIBLE REASON (to me)!! I was like WHERE TF DID THIS COME FROM??

So she did want to see him but was it because of a crush or because she wanted to play him in a match? (Spoiler: it was about Karuta)

I’ll admit a little hatred began brewing for Arata (but like I didn’t hate him but I also did y’know??) and I’m going to be real, I wasn’t always fair to Arata’s character lmao. I was biased because of preconceived notions I had going into the anime. I know this, but I don’t regret it because at least it was funny:

OK NO THE SECOND TWEET I AM STILL RIGHT ARATA SHOULD HAVE DELIVERED IT HIMSELF? EVEN IF TAICHI WAS HER BF HE CAN GIVE HER HIS PHONE NUMBER WTF

Like at the start of the manga Arata was going through the traumatic loss of the person he loved the most (canon) his grandpa. And I was like HOW DARE YOU NOT TALK TO YOUR FRIENDS IMMEDIATELY?? Why was I so needlessly heartless towards him LMAO.

I mean he was purposely written as the boulder so WHAT WAS I SUPPOSED TO FEEL

Sometimes people tell me that Taichi was right (when they first visited him in Fukui) in pushing Arata over when he kicked the cards but Taichi really DID NOT need to do that at all idc what you say. I’m defending Arata’s big stinky dogs in this case. Taichi I still love you even when you make mistakes. Sorry this got off topic... (that’s why this is a ramble not an essay)

However, I never fully hated Arata. The problem was since I didn’t like him in the ship there wasn’t much to like him outside of that. I did like the relationship with his grandpa but it only seemed to be really relevant at the beginning of the manga and at the end. Arata’s Karuta arc was probably the messiest out of the three and it was really difficult for me to resonate with it. His arc seemed to be a prodigy not feeling bad for playing at his full strength and winning? I don’t know the jury is still out on that one (and I am simplifying it a lot for the comedy). I actively looked for people discussing Arata’s Karuta arc but I almost never found any and I’m not sure if it’s because they kept their analysis locked up behind an Arata loving paywall or because I quickly made myself known as another bitchass illiterate Taichihaya they kept me blocked and off their lawn. So I am not an authority on that but I think when I do a re-read I actually would like to try and figure it out.

What I did often read in relation to Arata was of course the romance the ship between him and Chihaya. Now, I didn’t read these analysis to piss myself (necessarily lol). I actually think to be fully critical and fair you should read the other side’s arguments if for no other reason than to rip them apart (which I could every single time lmao). However, now it make a me sad because now that Chiharata didn’t pan out nobody wants to talk about him much anymore. Taichihayas hate him and already dug his grave out back Chiharatas threw him in there started piling dirt on him. It’s ok Arata, if nobody loves you then I will. YES I HAD MY LOVING ARATA ARC…

Funny story after shipping him pettily with Sumire I flew to close to the sun b/c I wrote a 5k petty fic about him and Sumire (as a response to my ACTUAL LEAST FAVOURITE SHIP TAICHI AND SUMIRE) and then I started to like the ship and Arata… I was like oh no this isn’t a joke anymore… AND THEN I MANIFESTED MY CRACK SHIP? Crazy

Back on topic:

From what I observed through the bars of my Taichihaya cage these are some of the reasons people like Chiharata:

Arata not putting any sort of pressure on Chihaya when he confessed and respecting her boundaries (not that she ever had to explicitly set any since they barely interacted)

His earnestness

The connection they had to their childhood

Their flirting? (I mean people thought it was sweet the way they were always blushing around each other and using someone else’s words “the cautious touch” personally I found it awkward that’s why I cannot in good sense not put a question mark LMAO)

Both being Karuta Bakas and the idea that they would be clueless in their relationship because they would just hyper-fixate on their shared passion. (This was more a HC than what we actually saw considering Chihaya didn’t remember the game she played against Arata)

Right so on the surface level I don’t see anything wrong with any of these points? A lot of them I too like in theory. Especially a man who respects boundaries (side eyes at you Taichi). I don’t think shipping them because this kind of relationship appeals to you is bad even if they were not the canon ending. It’s fiction and you can do whatever you want. You can have your head canons and your fan fictions (like someone passively aggressively said to me about Taichihaya once lmao)! Please your Chiharata AO3 tag needs it there’s only 24 fics (I think)

Even I can think of moments between Arata and Chihaya that made me question my loyalty (ok there was only 1 LMAO).

Not gonna lie it’s kinda funny he picked hauled her up on his shoulders like a sack of potatoes. ARATA IS SO IMPULSIVE AND THAT’S WHY HE’S A FUNNY LIL GUY.

Why did I like this moment despite finding it a lil awkward and cringe? Because for the first time Arata kind of understood the weight that Chihaya carried and he really saw who she was - someone who works hard and wants to win more than anything. He learned more in this little moment than he ever would playing against her. It was THIS that was needed… moments outside of a Karuta match where they could dispel the illusions that they had of each other and actually get to know WHO THEY WERE IN THE PRESENT!! Both of them had changed a lot since their childhood.

That was always my criticism of Arata and Chihaya’s relationship was that they really did not know each other beyond their childhood selves. Let’s look at what I tweeted I think 12 episodes into the anime:

This tweet still makes me laugh because of the Karuta name thing cddkj I was really going through it

That is not to say you need to know someone in order to date them. You can date anyone for any reason. In fact, people seem to forget that Chihaya herself was willing to date random man from train station who had no interest in Karuta lmao.

But surely, knowing someone intimately is something required to maintain a romantic relationship? I’m hoping that is a given for everyone. That’s why I failed to understand why people would see them dating as a victory in the romance department; that they would instantly have this incredible profound, moving, and impactful relationship instead of thing that happened because Chihaya had a crush and felt like it? Or was it because they both liked Karuta and dating would be an extension of their passion for Karuta…….. uh ok sounds gr8 but they don’t need to date to play Karuta together dclksdjknsdjk

Like what did Chihaya even see in Arata as a person? The only thing that she seems to admire about him is how he plays Karuta..

That and his big hands I guess lmao. Big hands to play Karuta with.

Because I am in my Arata defender stage I actually think THAT IS A CRIME BECAUSE ARATA HAS A LOT OF GOOD TRAITS GOING FOR HIM:

He’s shy and blushy

He’s awkward but cute

His black hakama

He’s blind in an endearing way

Domestic King (thanks to the spin off chapter)

Caring to the elderly

Occasionally very sweet when he feels like

Cares DEEPLY ABOUT HIS FRIENDS

Strong arms can pick you up because of his 500 practice swings

Gives tall guy vibes despite being shorter than Taichi (he’ll always be taller to me idc)

Now unlike Arata we actually saw Chihaya’s thoughts towards Taichi:

I mean I don’t even need to point out the stark difference between them lmao. That’s not even mentioning what the boys think of Chihaya. It’s pretty evident when you put their confessions side by side.

Like for Arata the basis of his confession is him thinking back to their childhood memories and Chihaya asking him to play Karuta together forever. So no wonder he ended his confession with “let’s play Karuta together sometime” because literally that’s all he knows about her.

Which brings me to my next point of why I never shipped Chiharata and this is due to their lack of present “screen time”. Now, do not misunderstand me, lack of screen time does not stop me from shipping two characters when I think characters might actually be a good pairing. I shipped Arata and Sumire based on their one single interaction in the manga BEFORE IT WAS COOL. So trust me when I say I AM OPEN TO FILLING THE GAPS OF CANON WITH HEADCANON.

Though it immediately becomes clear at the beginning of Chihayafuru that Chihaya feels some sort of way towards Arata (a crush) however we as the reader only got like 6 chapters of childhood backstory to explain their relationship which included Arata helping Chihaya make a dream of her own and her awesome moment when she takes a card from him. What is lacking is any cute childhood blooming romance. Most of the childhood arc is spent on the trio: Chihaya, Taichi and Arata. So I always failed to understand WHY she would be crushing on this guy other than guy really good at Karuta and me likey Karuta. Literally she said the time they spent apart made him become like a God of Karuta… Like uh this your man?

Chihaya and Arata’s bond based on their shared childhood dream is meant to be contrasted to the relationship Chihaya has with Taichi. While one is confined to Chihaya’s longing to see him (Arata) THE ONE SHE HAS WITH TAICHI IS REAL TANGIBLE AND CLEARLY UNFOLDS BEFORE OUR EYES.

This is from the first 11 chapters we early Taichihaya shippers were FEASTING

From this we understand their dynamic! Did Chiharata’s ever listen to the reasons we liked Taichihaya? Well here are my reasons: it was because of their chemistry, their banter and teasing. But they are also so caring towards each and supportive and it wasn’t one sided either. They help each other become the best versions of themselves and they also have something that the other person lacks. Chihaya has a terrible memory and Taichi doesn’t have naturally gifted hearing. They are soulmates but opposites. SUN AND MOON.

Maybe all of this could have been used to develop a friendship? You know sure I’ll roll with that let’s say it was all leading to something completely platonic. Then please explain to me what would be the reason of PURPOSELY DEPICTING TAICHI AND CHIHAYA LIKE THIS?? LIKE THE PICTURES SPEAK FOR THEMSELVES

I purposely picked moments from Chihaya’s perspective to make a point lol

The only thing that was lacking from these interactions is the shoujo filters, sparkles and flowers almost like the point was a superficial teenage crush vs. SOMETHING WITH A BIT MORE SERIOUSNESS AND DEPTH.

I have always ascertained that Chihaya is clueless when it comes to love but I never meant that in a derogatory sense. She is a teenager who is figuring herself out IN A COMING OF AGE STORY! She has to start as a dumbass in order to grow up!! People always seemed to get it wrong and think that Chihaya was somehow very mature in her feelings when it came to Arata when she was most certainly not. Why did she leave Arata hanging for 8 months only to be reminded by Kana’s remarks about turning into sea foam (sea weed?) that she should actually respond to his confession like kdjsnakjdsnsc.

It’s fine that she had a crush on Arata though. At that age, I too had dumb ideas about love. I thought that the person I marry should be good at piano because it would be very important to be serenaded in the future. While this certainly would be nice I AM WISER that there are far more important qualities to look for in a partner.

Since Chiharata shippers have also suddenly become cognizant that Chihaya and Arata had little screen time together (and none outside of Karuta) they are calling it bad writing since it wasn’t “fair”. First of all, real relationships are not always “fair” - not everyone gets an equal chance to become a couple with someone and spend time with them? Not to mention that it wasn’t the problem that Arata didn’t live in Tokyo because LONG DISTANCE RELATIONSHIPS EXIST? If Chihaya and Arata wanted to they could (Taichihaya ending up long distance is almost like Suetsugu is trying to say the distance was never the problem). It was never supposed to be “fair” because thematically that’s not what Chihaya’s crush on Arata was ever about.

These girls are me being like Chihaya what on earth are you talking about.

Chihaya’s views about love at the beginning are incredibly and purposely naive and immature. The only thing that seems to matter to her in a partner is being good at Karuta. THIS IS NOT TREATED AS SOMETHING SERIOUS AND OR MEANINGFUL IT IS PURPOSELY RIDICULOUS!! Because of this being one of the only traits Chihaya looked for in a partner IT MADE HER FIRST CRUSH BE her MARRIED sensei.

On the one hand I get it Chihaya Harada is a dilf you are valid.

That’s why when Chihaya said she needed to be “worthy” to sit in front of her crush I hope every single one of the people who shipped Chiharata realized this was an arbitrary standard and really should not matter when it comes to love?

If you or someone you know had to say this line with any ounce of seriousness as a defence for your ship you may be owed financial compensation.

I’m going to give them the benefit of the doubt and assume they were thinking that eventually this notion would be deconstructed afterwards because damn that is very shallow and also stupid lol. It’s just very weird that so many people still thought that “feeling worthy to sit in front of him” was relevant for Chihaya to be able to confess back to Arata because…

Arata confessed independently from Chihaya feeling “worthy”

She already sat in front of him and smoked him

It definitely does help when the person that you love shares your passion absolutely but again “passion” for another (love) is not the same as “passion” for sport. They are separate and not interchangeable. That was the point.

Like I’m sorry it couldn’t get more on the nose when some NPC said this about Chihaya’s crush dcndacjkjkn.

Then of course there are the subjective reasons why I don’t think a relationship between Chihaya and Arata would be really good for them. In a lot of ways they are too similar to each other in the sense of being “clueless” Karuta bakas. That’s why so many people made a ship where Chihaya and Arata’s relationship had to be mediated by Taichi who would keep both of them in line, which, would be fine if Taichi wasn’t a miserable sod who had his heart broken. Like that was simply too much to expect from him even if he was the happily rejected party in the end… Like sorry I don’t wish that for him !! He has the self esteem of a roll of paper towel in what world would that be a good ending for him kjncjdjkn

Even in canon like Arata simply must let Chiha go to move forward (I will expand on this a later time). The love that was pushing him forward (unlike for Taichi) was actually the love he had for his grandpa.

That’s beautiful, I guess platonic love wins! Thank you, I’m collecting tips in my hat.

No but seriously there was also this holier than thou attitude that some Chiharata shippers had that they were the enlightened ones who valued the true platonic love that Taichi and Chihaya had and that people who thought it was romance were simply projecting. Taichihayas simply were not respecting Chihaya’s agency! Because YES it was so clear that Chihaya was already in love with Arata!!

Damn Kana that manipulative mastermind making Chihaya doubt her strong and passionate love for Arata!

I mean she had a crush on him, she already said she was in love with him (even though she said she didn’t understand her feelings platonic love could never apply to Arata shhh) and rejected Taichi. The thing is, it’s fiction idc what the author might have “intended”. The depth in a relationship I wanted was in the Taichihaya pairing. I never once felt guilty shipping them even though I didn’t genuinely believe in a Taichihaya ending until 246. Not because Chiharata was better written but because I am a depressed bitch. But like if Chiharata was canon I could simply write it off as being dumb and pretend away the ending while enjoying everything else. However, I was always willing to accept a Chiharata ending because at the end of the day I actually do respect the character’s “agency” to pick their partner and love doesn’t always make sense.

What would not make sense to me in the slightest is why Taichi and Chihaya would be written like that to have a more meaningful and impactful relationship than the guy who she was in love with. But then we get to subjectivity, maybe people consider their best friends to be their closest relationships and the guy is the one you date because of his large hands and supposed sexual tension. Idk to each their own.

It speaks volumes that now that Chiharata didn’t become canon people are pissed off because at the end of it they don’t even consider Chihaya and Arata to be friends? SO WAIT A MINUTE THEIR RELATIONSHIP WAS ENOUGH TO SUGGEST LOVERS BUT NOT FRIENDS?? I don’t even need to say much about that.

I know some people REALLY wanted a friendship ending with Taichi maybe more than they even wanted Chiharata to happen. I get it, the idea that your friend can be crazy in love with you but then be you know what after everything we can still be friends (WHICH TAICHI FKIN DID). So if you liked that theme, why are you not satisfied with it being told through Arata? HELL SUMIRE HAD THAT EXACT STORYLINE?? YOU HATE WOMEN OR WHAT.

Is it because Arata didn’t need that much time to process getting rejected (well he did actually b/c as we always said he got soft rejected) because MAYBE HE CLUED INTO THE FACT that he was fighting a losing battle? Or is it the fact that absolutely nothing changed Chiharata’s relationship with Chihaya not reciprocating his feelings? If that’s the case, then maybe the author was trying to say that Arata’s feelings weren’t that DEEP for Chihaya. Maybe HE VALUES friendship with both Taichi and Chihaya more than to make a big scene. He has been set up to process disappointment easier than say Taichi?

LIKE LOOK:

I guess it sucks when it turns out you guys were PROJECTING as much into the story as those Taichihaya romance obsessed baboons. Everyone projects into a story. It’s actually ok ! WE ARE THE SAME IN THIS REGARD. LET’S JOIN HANDS AND UNDIG ARATA FROM HIS GRAVE PLEASEEEEEEE. To conclude my massively long rant and because I can no longer add any pictures, by the time we got to 246 without Chihaya and Arata dating it should have been fairly clear that it was not going to happen. Their relationship had barely progressed and if Chihaya would date Arata with the intention of getting to know him more OUTSIDE of Karuta... SHE’D NEED TIME FOR THAT!! It should have happened much earlier and not been dragged out to the end of the manga. (A topic I will leave for another time)

However by the time we got to the ending if Chiharata happened it would simply just be the pairing off of two characters a romance conclusion a la shonen. Chihaya would be getting a trophy and a husband for accomplishing her dream.

Instead the thesis was actually that “love” like Kaurta is something you have to work towards. It’s not always easy nor is it always “happy”. Yet it is worth it when you find the right person- you will still want to be with them “by their side” even when it’s rough.

Crazy how Taichi said this in chapter 9.

SO that pretty much wraps up my thoughts on Chiharata (for now)

This is Charles reminding you that Arata is now in his Tokyo Hottie arc!

[hakasims]

The Most Important Review of Every Single Luca Marinelli Film

Listen, I’m not here to tell you if a movie’s plot is well-structured or whatever, ok? I’m here for objective, factual data on how Luca Marinelli’s brand is adhered to in every movie he’s been in so far.

(all gifs by @weardes​)

La solitudine dei numeri primi (2010)

Does Luca smoke? No.

Does Luca sing? No.

Does Luca eat? No.

Does Luca get slapped? No. His life is hard enough as it is.

Is Luca naked? He’s wearing speedos in one scene, but he’s covered in s*lf-h*rm marks, it’s very sad and not sexy at all.

Is Luca gay? Hell if I know.

Is Luca a slut? He talks to like two people in the whole movie.

Lucameter: 2/100 pathetic (but like I get it it’s his first movie w/e)

L'ultimo terrestre (2011)

Does Luca smoke? Yes.

Does Luca sing? No, but Roberta is a captivating dancer.

Does Luca eat? No, though she takes a shot once.

Does Luca get slapped? Yes, but not in a fun way :(

Is Luca naked? No, but there are some thighs and belly with a mini skirt in between. No complaints.

Is Luca gay? Not enough data.

Is Luca a slut? No.

Lucameter: 1/100 horrible, Roberta deserved better

Waves (2011)

Does Luca smoke? No.

Does Luca sing? Yes, drunkenly!

Does Luca eat? They just won’t let him put food into his mouth! Watching Gabriele trying and failing to eat is Hitchcock-level suspense, though it all comes to a very satisfying conclusion when the camera isn’t focusing on him for a second, and he friggin’ inhales the food off the table.

Does Luca get slapped? No, but he gets pushed around a lot.

Is Luca naked? No, but he does take off his shirt a couple of times. Also his legs are like completely hairless?? Has anyone ever noticed that? They shaved his legs!

Is Luca gay? No proof that he is, no proof that he isn’t.

Is Luca a slut? No, he is the sweetest purest cinnamon roll.

Lucameter: 37/100 it’s getting better

Nina (2011)

Does Luca smoke? No.

Does Luca sing? No, but he plays the cello and dances.

Does Luca eat? No.

Does Luca get slapped? No.

Is Luca naked? No, though even if he was, you wouldn’t be able to enjoy it because he never gets any close-ups or decent lighting.

Is Luca gay? He’s shown to be into ladies.

Is Luca a slut? Please, he’s barely even a character.

Lucameter: 0/100 unwatchable

Tutti i santi giorni (2012)

Does Luca smoke? No.

Does Luca sing? No.

Does Luca eat? Yes, and he cooks!

Does Luca get slapped? Yes, lightly, in a patronizing way.

Is Luca naked? Oh yes.

Is Luca gay? He’s religiously devoted to his lady love.

Is Luca a slut? Not so much a slut as a hella thirsty bitch.

Lucameter: 43/100 half down ponytail saves lives

Maria di Nazaret (2012)

Does Luca smoke? No, obviously.

Does Luca sing? No. He dances once - very clumsily.

Does Luca eat? No.

Does Luca get slapped? No, though he almost drops a house on himself.

Is Luca naked? Guys, it’s a Bible movie.

Is Luca gay? Come on, he’s Saint Joseph.

Is Luca a slut? Lol no.

Lucameter: -10/100 just for that hair

La grande bellezza (2013)

Does Luca smoke? No.

Does Luca sing? No.

Does Luca eat? No.

Does Luca get slapped? No.

Is Luca naked? Full frontal, but in a disturbing way. Red body paint is involved.

Is Luca gay? Who’s to say?

Is Luca a slut? Please.

Lucameter: 4/100 which is more than the number of his on-screen minutes

Il mondo fino in fondo (2013)

Does Luca smoke? No.

Does Luca sing? No.

Does Luca eat? Briefly; he mostly drinks.

Does Luca get slapped? No, but he gets a fruit thrown at him.

Is Luca naked? He’s never more naked than a T-shirt and underwear, but those fuzzy thighs strike back hard after Waves.

Is Luca gay? He’s married to a woman.

Is Luca a slut? I mean, he’s married but goes to a strip club anyway.

Lucameter: 12/100 though he looks really hot in this movie

Non essere cattivo (2015)

Does Luca smoke? Yes, a lot, and he does lots of harder stuff.

Does Luca sing? No, but boy does he dance.

Does Luca eat? He briefly chews on something, but he mostly drinks.

Does Luca get slapped? Yes, wonderfully, multiple times, so good.

Is Luca naked? Fully clothed the entire time.

Is Luca gay? He emanates just the most Gay Longing™

Is Luca a slut? Not actually in practice, but the vibe is there.

Lucameter: 86/100 would have been more if he’d had any nude scenes, but that butt in those jeans is very much appreciated

Lo chiamavano Jeeg Robot (2015)

Does Luca smoke? No, he takes care of his body!

Does Luca sing? Only in the best karaoke scene ever committed to screen. And a little in the car with his buddies. It’s wholesome.

Does Luca eat? He gets a whole ball of mozzarella shoved into his mouth. Luca Marinelli... is lactose intolerant.

Does Luca get slapped? No, but he gets sexy scratches on his face, so points for originality.

Is Luca naked? He’s got all the buttons of his shirt undone in one scene, and there’s also like a quarter of the butt.

Is Luca gay? He’s definitely not straight.

Is Luca a slut? He’s a slut for YouTube views and empowering female songs.

Lucameter: 97/100 I was missing The Slap but whatcha gonna do

Die Pfeiler der Macht (2016)

Does Luca smoke? No.

Does Luca sing? No, but he dances sluttily.

Does Luca eat? Yes, though all the food in this movie looks disgusting.

Does Luca get slapped? Very hard.

Is Luca naked? Not as naked as he should be considering the everything about him.

Is Luca gay? He fucks everything in this movie.

Is Luca a slut? He fucks everything in this movie.

Lucameter: 64/100 weak

Slam - Tutto per una ragazza (2016)

Does Luca smoke? Yes.

Does Luca sing? No.

Does Luca eat? No.

Does Luca get slapped? No.

Is Luca naked? He gives us a full butt moment.

Is Luca gay? Not in the slightest.

Is Luca a slut? Definitely, but it all happens off screen somewhere.

Lucameter: 34/100 the butt is doing all the work here

Il padre d'Italia (2017)

Does Luca smoke? Yes, a lot.

Does Luca sing? Yes, and he dances while singing!

Does Luca eat? No, but he drinks champagne like a fancy bitch.

Does Luca get slapped? Yes, by life.

Is Luca naked? We get everything in the first five minutes. Everything.

Is Luca gay? Yes, canonically and explicitly.

Is Luca a slut? No, he’s full of gay sin and self-loathing.

Lucameter: 99/100 glorious

Lasciati andare (2017)

Does Luca smoke? No.

Does Luca sing? No.

Does Luca eat? No.

Does Luca get slapped? He doesn’t have time for anything else but he always has time to get slapped.

Is Luca naked? Not in the slightest.

Is Luca gay? He just wants to be loved T__T

Is Luca a slut? The virgin vibes are stronger than in the Bible movie.

Lucameter: 8/100 it didn’t have to be this way

Una questione privata (2017)

Does Luca smoke? This movie is covered in smoke from Milton’s cigarettes. Seriously, he smokes all the time. Including the scene where he gets called ugly.

Does Luca sing? No, not even in the scene where he gets called ugly.

Does Luca eat? He drinks an egg, though not in the scene where he gets called ugly.

Does Luca get slapped? No. He gets called ugly, though.

Is Luca naked? No.

Is Luca gay? Strong bisexual vibes from this one.

Is Luca a slut? Again, major virgin energy.

Lucameter: 17/100 can you imagine they had the audacity to call him ugly???

Fabrizio De André - Principe libero (2018)

Does Luca smoke? In every scene. Every. Single. One.

Does Luca sing? Duh, while playing the guitar.

Does Luca eat? Yes.

Does Luca get slapped? No, everybody is soft for Fabrizio.

Is Luca naked? He’s wearing nothing but a bath towel for a whole scene.

Is Luca gay? He’s very much into ladies, although he’s got sizzling chemistry with every male character.

Is Luca a slut? He’s very into ladies.

Lucameter: 94/100 almost perfect

Trust (2018)

(it’s not a movie, but Primo is so iconic I can’t and shan’t leave him out)

Does Luca smoke? It’s the 70s and Italy, come on.

Does Luca sing? Unfortunately, he doesn’t, but he’s one hell of a dancer.

Does Luca eat? Munches on spaghetti like there’s no tomorrow.

Does Luca get slapped? Yes. And he doesn’t forget it.

Is Luca naked? Sadly no, but man does the camera love his butt hugged tightly by those slutty 1970s pants. Also balls. Just... just balls.

Is Luca gay? We don’t know for sure, but his whole vibe is kinda the exact opposite of heterosexuality.

Is Luca a slut? For money and power.

Lucameter: 82/100 would benefit from like a karaoke scene or something

Ricordi? (2018)

Does Luca smoke? No.

Does Luca sing? No.

Does Luca eat? Yes.

Does Luca get slapped? No.

Is Luca naked? Oh yes. And he fuuuuuuuuuuucks.

Is Luca gay? This relationship is so heterosexual the couple are literally called Him and Her.

Is Luca a slut? He fucks a lot, but somehow in a very unslutty way. He’s mostly just sad.

Lucameter: 51/100 and he’s called ugly again???

Martin Eden (2019)

Does Luca smoke? Yes.

Does Luca sing? Amazingly, yes, very softly. He also dances.

Does Luca eat? Yep.

Does Luca get slapped? Finally the slappee has become the slapper.

Is Luca naked? Man, I wish. He doesn’t even take his shirt off like wtf dude what did you build all that bigness for???

Is Luca gay? No, and I think he’d be happier if he were.

Is Luca a slut? No, and again, I think it’d have served him better to be a slut.

Lucameter: 62/100 it’s a fine movie that would’ve benefited from more trademark Luca stuff okay

The Old Guard (2020)

Does Luca smoke? No.

Does Luca sing? No.

Does Luca eat? Briefly.

Does Luca get slapped? A lot of violence happens in this movie, but not a single slap, ridiculous.

Is Luca naked? Shirtless, with a close-up on the nipple.

Is Luca gay? Oh, I don’t know, does being one half of the most wholesome and perfect gay couple count?

Is Luca a slut? How dare you. He’s been happily married for 900 years.

Lucameter: 25/100 none of Luca’s trademarks are present but the epicness of his immortal marriage warms me when I shiver in cold

[iinksplit]

my sleep schedule watching me consider waking up at 7am for opening... this is queued tho 😭 hihi i’m melo (21+, s/h), writer of hot girl trash raccoon lee yuram & her functional symbie known as yubi! she’s currently a low ranking journalist at the herald & has lived all her life in eden while dreaming of taking over the world ( yubi tells her to pass her exams first, loser 😔 ) all her info is scattered around the blog ( stats, bio, power ) & i have no plots so here’s an attempt at putting everything together under the cut 😬 hit the ♡ or drop an im if you’d wanna plot, i also have discord if that’s easier!! 💖

TLDR

eden born & raised! her parents were both metas who decided quickly that they wanted to settle down, get registered, & live a good safe life. her dad talks to animals & her mum has some healing powers

think about the most law abiding, nice, polite, incredibly normal two people who could ever exist. that’s yuram’s parents. that’s also how you get an absolutely unhinged child

yuram’s a terror before she gets yubi, the sort to get into playground brawls & play dumb pranks. that annoying kid who likes to ask but why tho when she’s told no. extremely bored of being a goody two shoes like her parents so she turns around & is no shoes gremlin

anyway she’s born with a funky looking birthmark that turns into symbiotic ink when some kid breaks their pen & splatters her with ink, around age ten-ish. enter: yubi!

( basically venom but ) reverse symbiote trope! yuram wants WORLD DOMINATION & yubi just wants to pass their tests & maybe get a steady income

so ( v sadly ) yubi doesn’t help with any of the taking over the world stuff. they do help with exams & chores though 🙏🏻

yuram ends up in university thanks to her symbie, as a journalism major bc she’s a nosy little shit & thinks she knows what the news should be reporting

fresh grad, just got herself hired by the herald but doesn’t get to cover the mayor chae story :( but she might be poking around on the downlow......

other symbie facts! yubi’s personality fluctuates depending on what kind of ink yuram uses to build them up, but they’ve got a solid lawful good base. they aren’t always awake; if there’s too little ink on yuram, the symbiote just hibernates/goes dormant. they communicate telepathically but yubi can either borrow yuram’s mouth or pass notes to other people to talk to them. their big venom form is a huge mass of inkperson, pitch black; kinda scary but they only use that form for sneaking around, non-combative even though yuram wishes they were. ( but someday... 😉 )

chara insp! venom & eddie brock ( venom ), jang hari ( mad dog ), ji seungwan ( 2521 )

personality / misc! gemini sun, sagittarius moon, aries rising, a powerhouse clown. loves being argumentative & is always ready to go. probably willing to go to bat for you even if she’s only known you for 10sec bc she’s nice looking for a fight like that. can’t cook or clean but would d*e before admitting it or the many other things she sucks at. her common sense only exists in yubi, really really rebellious for fun & impulsive because she’s not patient enough & just wants instant gratification. in my head her bgm is any mgk x blackbear collab bc she’s got loser punk rock vibes. disaster really

PLOTS

petty crimes crew: exactly what this sounds like! just a ragtag buncha dummies spraying graffiti & pickpocketing, have been saying they’ll commit a heist since high school but still have no idea how to. lame gang things!!

free printer services: if you need help printing something or, ahem, ‘editing’ a document wink wink... she’s here to help

herald coworkers: yuram’s notorious for being a bit too headstrong & willing to investigate excessively for a story, asking way too many questions & only trusting herself. writes articles freakishly fast once she’s done tho. maybe a mentor or someone who has to keep her in check? fellow new hire jostling for a promotion?

snu friends: anyone from journalism, or their school’s broadcasting & journalism club? maybe someone who saw her ( yubi ) sign up for a million clubs but she never turned up too

bulleog apartments: neighbour plots!! yuram’s a petty little shit of a neighbour & somehow always up to something strange

commitment issues tm: yuram’s string of flings, past & current, or the (1) serious relationship she screwed up? ( also lowkey would love an enemies to friends / lovers / worse enemies but now we care for each other gdi plot )

thats all the ideas i have in my head but we can brainstorm instead!!

[stargazer-sims]

Eden: Aww... this is so cute!

Charlie: What?

Eden: Haru sent me a good morning text. He told me he has a hard time with writing, so this is kind of a big deal for him. Ooh... and he just sent me an adorable picture, too.

Charlie: Of himself?

Eden: Yeah.

Charlie: Is he dressed?

Eden: Charlie! Of course he's dressed. You don't send naughty pictures of yourself in a good morning text, unless it's one of those 'remember how great last night was?' texts.

Charlie: Uh... okay, then.

Eden: Anyway, we're saving ourselves for the right moment. The first time we see each other with our clothes off, it'll be in person.

Charlie: We'll see how long that resolution lasts.

Eden: What? It's like you have no faith in me or something. You think I can't keep my clothes on?

Charlie: Honestly? No, and I don't think Haru can keep his on, either.

Eden: He will, because he's a gentleman and he respects me.

Charlie: What kind of picture did he send you?

Eden: It's his 'before' photo. He's telling me about getting his hair done today, and he says this is so I can remember what he looks like with black hair.

Charlie: Is he going to send you an 'after' photo as well?

Eden: I hope so. I’m curious to see him with purple hair.

Charlie: Purple, or whatever colour we end up doing it.

Eden: Whatever you do, you gotta make sure he stays pretty, okay? You have a big responsibility.

Charlie: Don’t worry. He’ll still be gorgeous enough to keep getting random marriage proposals when I’m done.

Eden: Yeah, those.

Charlie: Are you jealous already?

Eden: No, not exactly. It’s just like, all of a sudden I’m feeling kind of uncomfortable about the fact that I was one of those people. You know, the ‘marry me Haru’ people. That must be so awkward for him, having random strangers saying stuff like that.

Charlie: Maybe you should talk to him about it.

Eden: Maybe I should, and apologize for being weird.

Charlie: You guys are both taking this really seriously, aren’t you?

Eden: Why shouldn’t we? We like each other. Shouldn’t I be serious about protecting the feelings of someone I like?

Charlie: Yeah, of course. It’s just unexpected, that’s all. I never saw this coming. You taking a potential relationship seriously, I mean.

Eden: I didn’t see it coming either, but I don’t know… This time feels different for some reason. Maybe Nikolai is right. Maybe I have found my match.

[atinydise]

Ateez reacting to their s/o packing and leaving

❦ Genre: Angst

❦ Pairing: OT8.

❦ Word count: 4k4.

 HONGJOONG

“It’s okay sweetie! We know and understand how busy Hongjoong is.” Comforted your mom. “But he promised he would be here today.” You sighed disappointed. “I know my son and for sure he has something important to do.” Added Hongjoong’s mom, washing the plates. You only smiled shyly and dried the plates again. Tonight, your boyfriend and you were supposed to eat with your parents and his. You wanted everyone to get along. Family is important for you. And Hongjoong’s knew it. Or at least that’s what you thought. Just when everyone left, you sat back on the table. The apartment was remaining calm. Would it stay this quiet for all the next times you would need to wait for your boyfriend? It is something that you want. All these questions popped one by one in your head. To erase it, you took your phone and looked at your notifications. Nothing from Hongjoong. This lack of information made you so mad. He didn’t even text you to apologize or to warn of his absence. Following the rage burning in your heart, you rushed to your bedroom. You picked the suitcase which was behind the door and throw it on the bed. Furiously, you opened the dresser and grabbed few clothes. Not caring about the weather or the look. When you slammed the cupboard, you heard footsteps coming to you. He was back home.

“Y/N, I know I messed up once again, but Eden needed me and-” He glanced at the luggage. “What are you doing?” “I’m leaving.” “Wait wait.” He grabbed your hands. “Why are you leaving? And where are you going?” “I don’t know yet. But I’m sick of waiting for you every fucking day.” You grabbed the case by the handle and left the room, bumping into your boyfriend’s shoulder. “Y/N wait, you can’t leave like this! I won’t do it again okay. I promised.” He begged, trying to take away the luggage. “You promised this, 17 times already.” You claimed. “I’m done.” “This time is going to be different! Do you want me to plan another family diner? Tomorrow?” He insisted, blocking the door. “Kim Hongjoong, we are done.” You stated, tear sliding on your face. “We both know that nothing is going to change. You are so focused on your job that you forgot to have time for you. You are missing everything.” “And do you think leaving is the best option?” “Yes otherwise, I ask you to choose me or your job.” At this dilemma, Hongjoong knew already what he was going to choose. Just when his mind was dozing off, you grabbed the luggage back. You put the first sneakers you found and opened the door. “I’ll take the rest of my stuff soon.” You said before slamming the door. Hongjoong was staring at the door dumbly, hoping that you would come back, saying that it was a joke. But you never came back.

SEONGHWA

You came back from your shower, towel wrapped around your hair. “The bathroom is free Seonghwa.” You let him know. “Thank you.” “Is there something you want to eat tonight?” “I have no idea.” “Really? We didn’t go to the supermarket for nothing.” You giggled. “Just choose whatever you want to eat. I don’t care.” He claimed coldly, walking past to you. Just before he could enter the bathroom, you caught his wrist, making him look at you. “What is your problem with me?” Seonghwa sighed, already bothered by your question. “Are you going to be this annoying again?” “I wouldn’t be if you weren’t acting like a jerk these months.” “Yes whatever…” he replied, looking at you arrogantly. “If you are not happy, it’s the same for me.” He removed your grip off his wrist and entered the room. You couldn’t believe what just happened. He was so cold, so rude, mean and careless with you since these 2 past months. You tried to see what you could do to help him to relax but he was always pushing you away. “I don’t even know why I bother staying there with you!” You yelled when you heard the shower. Furiously, you looked for your sport bag. “I’m done living with you like this Park Seonghwa.” You claimed louder. You needed to pack and leave as fast as possible. Even if it was too radical, that’s what you needed. “Did you finish the shampoo? I can’t-” Seonghwa paused when he saw you packing your belongings. “Find it.” Without even replying to him, you zipped your bag and grabbed the hoodie on the bed. “Y/N, what are you doing?” “Are you blind?” You asked sarcastically. “I’m leaving. You don’t care anyway.” You rolled your eyes. “You have nowhere to go. Don’t do this. It’s stupid.” Not giving a damn about him, you tied your hair, put your jacket and shoes on. “Y/N,” he called you again, holding his towel around his waist. “This is truly stupid.” “The only stupid thing is to stay with you and get hurt over and over again.” You faced him. “Okay, I’m sorry.” He apologized. “I don’t want your fake ass apology.” You looked at him angrily. “I’ll ask the boys to bring the rest of my stuff soon.” You said, trying to fit few more clothes on the little sport bag. Looking at you grab the last things you needed, Seonghwa was regretting his behavior towards you. He took you for granted and was sure you would stay with him no matter how asshole he is. “You better not come with them.” You warned him, before leaving. “Y/N.” He tried one last time to change your mind, but the slamming door was is only response. In the hallway, you walked slowly, trying to see if he was going to run after you. But seems like his mind was probably clear as yours.

YUNHO

You buried your cold hands on your trench pockets. It was so cold outside that you could turn into an ice cube in few minutes. Even if the air was freezing all of your body, you were more comfortable here than at your apartment. Why? Because of your boyfriend, Yunho, who was passing his nerves on you. His acting career started for a year now and he acted in so much webtoons while promoting with Ateez at the same time. You were always telling him to slow down and to not accept every contract, but he wanted to please everyone. This past month, he was very exhausted. Even if he was trying to deny it, you could see it clearly in his attitude or just by looking at the dark circles under his eyes. When you advised Yunho to rest or just to take a nap, he went immediately mad. “You can’t understand me”, “you can’t know when you are an actor”, “stop babying me” he was saying most of the time. You exhaled when you stepped in front of the entrance door. You knew that when you will push the door, Yunho would be there, asking you to leave him alone or to make less noise. It feels like constantly walking on eggs with him. Were you supposed to feel so stressed in a relationship? Of course, no.

So, what if…?

You grabbed the knob and hesitated to open it. Taking a deep breath, you entered the hallway and rushed to the dressing room, not caring about Yunho glancing at you from the other living-room. Not controlling your moves anymore, you selected few clothes and stacked up on Yunho’s suitcase. The one he was taking for his world tour. “Can you do a bit less noise; I need to focus.” He said. You wiped the tear on your cheek and acted nothing happened. “Sure, don’t worry, I won’t make noise anymore.” “Good, thanks.” He smiled. “And what are you doing by the way?” “Leaving.” Your voice cracked at the sudden realization of your actions. “Leaving? Where? You should have told me!” “And how I’m supposed to do that when I can’t even talk to you?” You sobbed, grabbing another sport bag tightly. “How I’m supposed to live with you? Can’t you see how stressed I am when I need to talk to you?” You asked, your lips shaking uncontrollably. “I feel awful next to you. I feel like a shit. Being not enough good for you. It hurts Yunho.” “Y/N, calm down please.” He said gently, holding you by the shoulders. “I acted like a jerk with you. I’m sorry.” “You are sorry? That’s all? After making me feel this way… you are only sorry?” You ran your hands through your hairs, messing your locks a bit. You were getting crazy because of him. “We love each other. We can solve this.” “I don’t want to. I’m not even sure to love you right now.” You confessed. Yunho was so surprised by your words that he didn’t make a move when you walked next to him with the luggage and the sport bag. For him, it felt like a sledgehammer. A nightmare. But for you, it was worse than that. You were conscious about the real situation. It was a living hell.

YEOSANG

You argued with Yeosang 2 weeks ago. It probably has been one of the worst argue you ever had. It all started because he was late again for your cinema date. You were upset, but you understood the situation well. His career took most of his time and you knew it when you accepted to date him. But everything went worse when he didn’t even apologize for making you wait. For some people this wouldn’t be a big deal, but for you, it needed at least a little “sorry” when you waited 2 hours outside. Yeosang straightly went annoyed by your behavior. “Don’t act like this, it’s not the first time I’m late.” “It’s not because I’m used to it that you shouldn’t be polite anymore.” “Chaeryoung, would never act this way with me.” He rolled his eyes. And there started the argue. Everyone was looking at you in the theater’s hall. It was clearly “who would yell the loudest and win this argument”. Angrily, your boyfriend enumerated why leaving his ex was not the best choice he made. Feeling sad and mad, you left the theater and completely disappeared. When Yeosang went back to the apartment the same night and didn’t see you, he started to freak out. You never answered to his calls, your phone wasn’t even ringing, and you were nowhere to be found. Finally, after 2 weeks, you entered your apartment. Yeosang rushed there, clearly relieved to see that you were doing fine. “Where you have been? I looked for you everywhere! Even the boys!” He claimed, pissed and worried in the same time. Completely ignoring him, you went straight to the bathroom, picking all of your products. You grabbed the suitcase in the hallway and messily threw all of your stuff there. “What are you doing? Are you leaving again?” A big silence as a reply again. Bumping into his shoulder angrily, you went in the living room. “Y/N.” You picked all the frame with both of you on it. “What the fuck are you doing?” He yelled, not understanding a bit of your intentions. “I’m throwing everything related to you.” You replied, opening the trash to throw all the frames. “Are you crazy?” He tried to stop you. “Yes! Crazy for loving someone rude and hurtful as you!” You pushed his hands of you. “Do you think leaving is a good idea? I’m sorry about what I said okay? I was just mad, tired and-” “I don’t care.” You sighed. Yeosang was speechless. He was regretting this whole argument and never wanted to hurt you this way. Once again, you bumped into him to leave the room. 10 minutes later, he was looking at you, still picking your clothes one by one. He wanted to say so many things, but it felt like a terrible idea. Without saying anything, you closed the case and went back to the hallway. “Y/N, please think about this well. I know you are very sad and mad, but this is the wrong choice.” He gently said, trying to persuade you once again. You took a deep breath and opened the door. “Oh Y/N, you are back!” Said Wooyoung, surprised to see you here. You didn’t reply to him too. Erasing Yeosang of your life meant that you needed to erase all of them too. You simply left, leaving both of them looking at you sadly and confused. “Where is she going?” “Far away from me.” Replied Yeosang.

SAN

San was nice. Even too much. A normal guy would understand that it’s not a good idea to bring his ex-girlfriend at the dorm. Especially when his current girlfriend was living there too. “San she can’t stay there.” You said, washing the rest of the plates. “Why? She has nowhere to stay! Her boyfriend ditched her.” He explained. “She can’t stay outside the whole night.” “She has a ton of friends; one of them will gently accept her in.” “It’s too late.” He tried to change your mind again. Annoyed, you turned off the water and dried your hands. “I said no San.” “Don’t be so heartless! At least for a night.” “I know you.” You sighed. “You are the type to say, ‘only today’, but let people live with you for the rest of your life.” “I’m just being nice.” “And you are just being blind. She clearly using you or trying to get you back.” “I don’t care I can’t let her alone at night.” He said, finishing the conversation. San went back to her, sitting at the opposite side of the couch. You kept glancing at the scene. She was smiling widely at him. It looked so fake. “So, can I stay here?” She asked, using his nicest and cutest voice. “Yes sure. I won’t let you sleep in the street.” “So, he really decided to choose her then? Okay.” You whispered, none of them hearing you except Jongho eating in the kitchen. “Huh... Y/N is upset.” “No... Y/N is done.” You rectified, throwing furiously the towel on the counter. Passing the living-room to go in San’s room, you opened the wardrobe. You saw all your clothes hanging there and which confirmed you that it was a good idea. Trying to be quiet as possible, you grabbed a suitcase, not caring who it belongs to, and set your clothes there. San knocked gently at the door, knowing that you were upset. When he opened it, he would never imagine seeing you packing your stuff. It almost gave him a stroke. “Hey hey hey! He pushed the luggage far away from you, probably knocking on the wall. “What are you doing?” “If she stays here, then I leave.” You looked straight at his eyes. “Y/N stop this. I can’t put one of you out and I don’t want that.” “Then bye.” You replied. “Stop being so jealous! It’s just for a night!” He tried to lock the door. “This is not just for a night. It’s not the first time you chose her instead of me.” You started. “Remember my graduation ceremony? No, you can’t because you were with her.” “I said that I was sorry. She just called me crying and-” “And you played the white knight for her once again. Every damn time San.” You bit your lip, trying to not say something you would regret. “You care more about her than you care about me.” “This is not true.” “Then tell her to leave.” San didn’t move a bit; you could see the hesitation in his eyes. “See. You can’t lose her, but you can lose me.” You pinched your lips together and looked at the ceiling to suppress the tears. You slowly walked to the luggage and close it carefully. San was muttering some words, but you didn’t even listen to him. In a matter of time, you unlocked the door and bowed to him one last time. “Hope you will be happy with her. But she would never love you as I do.” This was the last thing you thought that you would do today. It seemed so unreal. This morning you woke up in your boyfriend’s arms and now you needed to book a hotel room. Love is unfair.

MINGI

“How did you both met?” Asked nicely the girl in front of Mingi. “Ah come on, it’s not even funny.” You giggled, embarrassed. “Oh please!” She pouted. “Aye okay okay!” Shouted Mingi, visibly too tipsy. You tried to shush him, but he removed your hand. “Be funny at least one time in your life Y/N!” He said, tugging on your side. “Y/N is the funniest girl we know, what are you saying Mingi!” “Funny? Y/N?” He laughed. “No!” You were smiling at the group, but it was all forced. His words hurt you a bit. “Well okay okay!” He stopped the debate with his friends.” She’s funnier than pretty then!” His friends stared at you, quietly apologizing for their friend. “Why are you sorry? She knows I dated her because she’s nice! If I was looking for someone pretty, I would have dated Hyelin.” He pointed at his friend. “Stop staying nonsense.” She hit him under the table. “You are going to hurt Y/N.” “No, it’s okay.” You reassured her. “But I need to use the restroom, I drank too much water.” “Do you want me to go with you?” Asked Hyejin, making sure you were okay. “Stop babying her! She’s a grown girl.” You nodded and stood up, discreetly picking your leather jacket and bag without them noticing. But the boy sitting next to you, spotted you. “Did she… take her stuff?” “It’s probably cold in the restroom.” Laughed Mingi. Your boyfriend was unaware you were clearly going back home. You went in the 1st taxi you saw.

When you stepped in the dorm, you straightly went to Mingi and Yunho’s room. Because of the tears in your eyes, you couldn’t spot your belongings well. You were messily throwing everything on a bag, not caring if it was yours or not.

When you decided that you took everything you needed, you left the room. Before closing the door, you looked one last time at your favorite place in the world. It could be stupid, but you had so much memories here.

Wiping your eyes, you turned off the light and exited the room and the dorm. Your heart was beating so fast. You were not sure if it was the right idea but tonight, you felt so humiliated and ashamed that you only had one thought: leaving. “Hey Y/N!” Giggled Mingi, exiting the taxi. “Why you left? It was a fun night!” You ignored him and took his seat in the taxi. “Hey! Where are you going?” Asked Mingi, slowly understanding that something was wrong. “It’s late.” “Can you ride me to Itaewon… or anywhere you want. I don’t know yet.” You asked the driver. “Are you sure everything’s okay? Because your boyfriend looks completely lost.” He pointed at Mingi, face glued to the window. You glanced at him. He was visibly worried and confused. His hands were trying to open the door car, but because of the lock, he failed. “He’s not my boyfriend. And I don’t know him.” You replied. You ordered the taxi driver to leave. When you slowly realizing what you did, you busted in tears pathetically in the taxi, face buried behind your hands. “Are you sure it’s what you want?” Asked the taxi driver, sad for you. No, you weren’t sure. But it’s the only thing you thought at the moment.

WOOYOUNG

“Wooyouung,” you whined before plopping next to him on the couch. You wrapped your arms around his waist, trying to enjoy the warmness of his body. “What’s happening love?” He asked, his eyes glued on his phone. “I can’t come with all of us at MAMA, this year.” You sighed. “My brother will finally have his surgery for his knee the same day. So, I need to go.” You buried your face in his neck. It was a big award ceremony so you wanted to be there for them, but your brother would need you. “He can’t reschedule the operation?” You raised a brow, sitting up correctly. “He waited for this surgery for almost 6 months. He won’t reschedule it.” “I’m sure if you ask and tell him why, he will accept.” Smiled Wooyoung. “I won’t do that.” You replied. “He wants to play football again. 6 months without touching a ball was already hard for him.” “But going to MAMA without you is going to be hard for me.” “I think you can survive. You are a grown man.” You replied annoyed. “Don’t make a big deal of this. Just tell him you can’t go.” He kind of ordered you. “And he’s not even a pro player anyway.” Outraged and disgusted by how your boyfriend was heartless and selfish, you stood up from his laps. “Did you notice how selfish you are right now?” You asked, hands on your hips. “Selfish? Sorry for wanting you so bad with me at MAMA.” He rolled his eyes. “But this is my brother Wooyoung.” You raised your voice. “Okay fine! Then go with him! I don’t even care to be honest.” He claimed before going to the bathroom. You stayed there completely frustrated. He was so selfish now. He already took a big head in 2 years. “Then if you don’t care,” you whispered. You walked to the laundry room and grabbed the clothes you put there this morning. Just after that you rushed to Wooyoung’s room, losing few clothes on the way, but screw it. 15 minutes later, Wooyoung came out of the bathroom and almost slipped on your croc top. “The hell.” He grunted before heading to his room. “Y/N, don’t let your clothes everywhere. Seonghwa will be mad.” “Oh, thank you, I was looking for this one.” You said, throwing the piece of clothes on the bag. “What is this bag for?” “I’m going back home, and I won’t come back here for a selfish guy as you.” You resumed. “Are you serious?” He scoffed. “I’ve never been this serious in my entire life.” “Just for this little argument?” “I accepted us to live together because I was in love with you and your personality. But right now, you are clearly not the same guy I used to know.” You said disappointed. “But you don’t even care, right?” You repeated. He was thinking about the right words to say that he was sorry, but even if he did, at this point, you wouldn’t even believe him. “Call me when you are the Wooyoung I fell in love with.” You said, before slamming the door of his room.

JONGHO

“Do you want to go shopping with me tomorrow?” You asked your boyfriend. “Shopping? We can’t do that Y/N. People will see us.” He declined. You sighed again. “You can wear a hat and a mask.” “Y/N.” He called you seriously. “We can’t do that.” “We can’t do anything anyway.” You added angrily. “I’m sorry. You know that I want to hang out freely with you.” “But your career is more important.” You finished. “Not more. Just stricter.” He rectified. “Why strict? The manager said that it was okay.” “Yes, but I’m scared about ATINYs. A dating scandal have heavy repercussion on a group.” “That’s why I said that it’s more important than me.” “Just wait a bit longer.” He held your hand. You rolled your eyes; he didn’t seem to get that you were already waiting for 4 years now. In these past years, you spent most of your dates in the dorm, curtains closed. You were always looking at him flirting or acting like he was single and little by little, it started to make you insecure. “What if I don’t want to wait?” You asked, removing your hand from his. “What do you mean?” “I’m done waiting for you to be ready. All of your members are okay with our relationship. The staff too and even the CEO.” You counted on your fingers. “I’m starting to believe that you are the only one not wanting to take this relationship seriously.” “Don’t say that. This is not true.” “You just can’t see it yet.” Your lips started to shake without your consent. You tried to bite your lip to keep your composure. “I refuse to stay in this type of relationship any longer.” You got up from the bed and grabbed the little suitcase you brought here the first time he invited you to stay more than a night. “Don’t tell me you think about leaving.” He sat up. “That’s exactly what I was thinking about. I won’t wait 10 more years.” You picked all the clothes you had. Jongho was removing them instantly, but you didn’t give up. As fast as you could, you tried to pack so he couldn’t see the few thin tears sliding on your face. Jongho was shouting and begging you to stay here. These screams worsened the situation. Hongjoong and Seonghwa came to see what was happening, completely worried. “What’s happening Jongho?” Asked the eldest member, concerned. “Y/N is leaving because we can’t officialize our relation yet.” He resumed, wiping aggressively his tears. “Don’t let her pack the rest of her stuff Hyungs. She can’t leave like this. She can’t leave me.” They both noticed that you didn’t say a word yet. You were packing the rest of the clothes which were on the floor. “Jongho, I don’t think we should do that.” Started the leader. “Y/N is grown enough to make her own decision. And it’s not good for her to wait for you.” Right when you stood up, making understand that you were done with the packing, Jongho blocked the door with his arms. Seonghwa and Hongjoong had no choice but to hold him the time you exit the room. “Let her leave Jongho.” Said Seonghwa, trying to not cry because of his friend. “You both can’t be happy this way.” Added Hongjoong. “It’s just for a little amount of time Y/N!” He begged, busting in tears when you walked past to him to leave. You knew nothing will change. That’s why you took the decision to leave. You would never ask him to leave or ruin his career for you. You would feel too bad. Even if you are probably going to regret it in the next few minutes, it was the good choice for you and for your health.

[phantaloon-books]

I was rereading the iconic reunion at baltimore and this came to me and I can't not write it (even though I have a half finished chapter waiting to be written for a fic for a whole different fandom but who cares right)

in which neil regrets realizes that the feds were on to something when they talked about witness protection program. brace yourselves, it's angst time bby. please bear with me, I don't write stuff like this, content and format wise.

so everyone knows what goes down in baltimore. everyone knows that famous college exy striker for the foxes neil josten has been the son of the butcher of baltimore all along, and that smth happened after he was kidnapped and tortured that resulted in the butcher and some associates to be killed. everyone knows that neil walked out alive, injured but alive. so when a few weeks, months later, associates of the butcher start getting raided and taken in custody, everyone knows exactly who opened his little mouth and revealed everything he knows (bc there's literally no one else who could know this stuff and would be willing to share with the fucking feds, no one has a death wish)

It's a slow process. It starts with the feeling of not being safe, which is ridiculous, because he hasn't been quite as safe as he is right now, with the foxes, his family, and most importantly with Andrew. They're on summer break, technically speaking, even if they're at campus for practice because they gotta train the new foxes. They're barely doing anything than hanging out together and training, but still Neil can't shake the feeling that something is wrong, that someone is watching him, but he doesn't say anything, because it doesn't make sense, he's just being paranoid, there's no need to panic.

Neil can swear he's being watched. He feels the dread whenever he's out of the dorm, when he's out running, when they go out to eat something, when they go to the mall, on their way to practice, at Eden's. But when he looks around there's no one looking, it's been weeks and nothing has happened, he hasn't seen anyone.

Neil can tell Andrew is growing suspicious of the way he checks out a place, the way his eyes trace every corner, every exit, because he's starting to fall back in old habits, and he knows Andrew hates it. But Andrew doesn't ask, he knows that Neil will speak when he feels ready, so he lets it go, even if he can't quite let got of the worry clawing at his heart.

But everything keeps going normally, things are fine, everything is fine fine fine. Neil doesn't talk about it, but it's fine really. Until it's not fine at all, but it's also too late to talk now because his head is fuzzy and throbbing, and he feels like he might throw up and he feels pain even if he's not sure where the pain is coming from. But he can't do anything now, he can't tell Andrew how he's been feeling dread for weeks, because a man whose name he doesn't even know but whose face is awfully familiar is standing right in front of him where he lies on the floor, and the situation is also awfully familiar.

Stop being a martyr. Oh Andrew would kill him. If Neil gets out of this alive, Andrew will kill him, because he left again. He didn't want to, he really didn't. He was out on a run while Andrew was in therapy with Bee and Aaron, a couple miles away from fox tower, when a car pulled up right in front of him, two men wearing hoods and sunglasses stepping out and standing in front of him. He came to a halt, trying his best to keep calm because who the hell were these men and what did they want and for fucks sake can this just stop? It would have been smart to turn around and try to get back to the tower but he can't ever keep his mouth shut can he?

"Look I don't know who you are, I don't care what you want, but you're in my way, so move away if you know what's best." He intended to go for more sarcastic, but he was doing his best not to panic, so that had to do.

"You're coming with us, get in the car, or we'll do this the hard way." Their voices said they wouldn't hesitate, but Neil laughed anyway, that smile he knew was the Butcher's resting on his lips. Anything to make the men leave. He opened his mouth and then- "The Minyard twins are at Dr. Dobson's office. Reynolds, Walker, and Wilds are at the mall. Hemmick, Boyd and Day are in the dorms. The newbies are at the dorms as well. Come with us the easy way and we'll let them walk out of their respective places alive, Nathaniel."

And he was fucked. Of course he hadn't been safe, he would never be safe. In fact no one he cared about would ever be safe. He should have known better. But he wasn't going to let the foxes be harmed.

"How do I know you won't kill them anyway?" The snark was gone, the smile vanished. His face was blank and dangerous, because he'd done this before. "I don't even know who you are, you're obviously not the big guys, and I don't remember seeing your faces."

"We don't want to attract unnecessary attention. All we care about is you. If you come, you spare us all the trouble. As for who we are, let's just say someone is pissed at the piece of shit that ruined everything."

"The Butcher's friends then. I can't argue with that, it's a habit of mine to fuck up. Ichirou won't be too happy if something happened." He played his strongest card but fuck it. The Moriyamas owed him protection, Ichirou himself had made a deal with him.

"The moment they turned their backs to the Wesninski and made a deal with Hatford, those Japanese shits mean nothing to us." These were desperate men apparently. If the Moriyamas were nothing, the FBI was even less. "Time is running Nathaniel, decide. You or them?"

Andrew would kill him, but they'd talked about it before. Neil had told Andrew. If it means losing you, then no. He would not put himself first. Hell, he'd told the others before, the Foxes were all he had, he wasn't going to risk them for himself, not for anything. He needed to keep them safe.

So now he's lying on the cold wooden floor of some house or shed or whatever, drowsy from whatever they drugged him with once he got in the car, and in pain after being beaten for the last hour or so. He didn't bother asking the man (who is obviously in charge and sent the two men) for a name, and honestly he still doesn't plan to. What was the point of that anyway? He just looks up at the cold brown eyes of the man standing over him, Neil's face as neutral as he could keep it despite the fear of not making it out alive threatening to pull him under. The man just stares at him, calculative eyes and cruel smile, and Neil can't take it.

"What, so you're just gonna stand there? I have better shit to do." He hears the slur in his voice, wonders if it's just the drugs or something else. A concussion is likely. He's met with silence, so he closes his eyes and lays his head down. Fuck he's tired of these situations. He truly will never be safe, no one will-

"You know, I was expecting so much more from you Nathaniel," the man says with a laugh, "I was told that you'd put up a fight, I thought this would be fun. They said you'd beg for your precious life, but you haven't even made an effort."

Whoever his source was, they definitely do not know Neil, or Nathaniel for that matter. Not only is he not going to risk the men hurting the others, but he isn't going to fight, not against so many of them, not when running would be more likely to get him out alive. He isn't going to let them know that. "First go fuck yourself, and second, this isn't remotely close to entertaining to what I've been through, maybe if it was more interesting."

What does Andrew say? Regret is worthless? It seems right, because he can't find regret in what he said, even if his face is a bloody mess (what's new?) and his body shakes with shivers, after his head is held underwater so many times. No, he doesn't regret it. Instead he finds himself laughing a hollow thing.

"Y'know at least others have had a point, this time it's just for the fun of it, and it's not being much fun." His voice cracks a couple times, hoarse from coughing up water.

"You're right though, it is for fun. You cost me absolutely everything Nathaniel. Did you know the feds and the Moriyamas have been after us for months? Hunting us like we're rabbits, all because you decided to be a dipshit and open your mouth. You should be dead. You should have died ten years ago, back in March, anytime. All your existence caused us is trouble. And ratting us to the feds wasn't enough was it? No you told Ichirou all of the Butcher's men were loose ends, too." The man took a deep breath, composing himself. "So yes Nathaniel, this is for fun. This is payback, you've cost many lives, this is retribution for speaking, and I'm gonna enjoy seeing you have fun for as long as I can."

At some point, after hours, he's left alone in the dark, in the cold. He knows he’s in pain. He’s pretty sure his arm is broken, and so are several ribs. He knows he should be in a lot of pain, but he's just numb. Regret is worthless. Because even if he feels even worse than how he felt last winter at Evermore, he doesn’t regret it. He can’t be sure the guy’s men were truly going to kill the Foxes, but he doesn’t regret coming here to make sure the others don’t suffer more than they already have because of him. He wonders if Andrew will forgive him. He didn’t leave proof that he didn’t want to leave this time. Would Andrew think he left them - him? God, he hopes not. Would Andrew look for Neil or leave it thinking that Neil wanted to leave?

It doesn’t really matter, though. Neil is so tired. This time isn’t like when he was on the run or when he went to Evermore or when Lola took him. While with the Ravens, Kevin knew he was there at least, if anything were to happen, a person would know where to look somehow. At Baltimore, several people knew the most likely place to find him; Uncle Stewart, the Hatfords, Kevin again. He has no idea of where he is, or who took him, and no one knows he’s been taken in the first place. No one will ever find him.

Maybe it’s better that way, he thinks. No one will have to deal with the burden of him or his disappearance or his death, because no one will know. The simple thing would be to assume he ran. He hopes they assume he ran. Maybe they’ll be hurt, but haven’t they been expecting him to run? They won’t make it to championships without him considering Jack is an awful striker, but Kevin will manage. Andrew - Andrew is the one who expects him to run the most, maybe he’ll take it nicely. Neil hopes he takes it nicely. Guilt blossoms among the nothingness in his chest, but he can’t take it back, and he doesn’t want to. It’s better this way. No one will find him, but that’s fine. He wonders what the Moriyamas will do. He doesn’t want to think about that. He thinks of Andrew, the kisses, the care, the love, the nights spent together. Thank you, you were amazing. He wishes he could tell him how much he cares one last time. He feels something wet slip down his face. He can’t tell if it’s water, blood or tears. He sighs. He thinks of Andrew, and his eyes slip close.

[readyplayerhobi]

Flower | 40 | End

; Hoseok x Reader

; Genre: Fluff, angst

; Word Count: 6.9k

; Warnings: Slight anxiety attack, mentions of panic, slight body issues

; Synopsis: You finally decide to take a dip into the world of online dating and find the Flower dating app. One of the top matches for you proves to be a guy who looks to be your complete opposite; tattooed, pierced, a metalhead and oh…incredibly handsome. What happens when you throw caution to the wind and reach out to him?

; A/N: So...this is it 😢 Flower is officially over! I started writing this on November 15th, 2019. Almost a year later, here we are with 40 chapters, 3 drabbles and 180k of words. Can you believe I actually finished it? I hope you’ve all enjoyed reading it and the journey of the MC finding herself and falling in love with Hoseok. It’s been so fun to write and it’s sad to let it go. If you’ve enjoyed reading this, please let me know with a comment or an ask! I’ve loved reading how much you’ve all felt seen or embraced by the MC with her struggles and I’d love to hear your thoughts on not only this chapter but the whole fic! Feedback is what keeps authors going and I came very close to leaving writing once Flower was finished but I’m still going to carry on. I’m not sure if this chapter is good or not, but I hope you enjoy it anyway and think it a fitting end to the story!

; Flower Masterpost

-

“Okay...okay. Let’s do this...you can do this. It’s easy. Just...walk down the aisle. I mean, what’s the worst that could happen? Well, Hoseok could not be there or I could have a heart attack and drop down dead. That would suck. But it would resolve a lot of my issues, I wouldn’t have to worry about everyone watching me. On the other hand...I’m going to marry the love of my life. As long as he turns up” The soft sounds of your muttering are probably barely heard over the soft playing music through the speakers in the room, YouTube playing mindlessly to itself.

It was a good job, as it meant that no one else in the room could hear your panicked thoughts that were being verbalised. Hoseok and you had decided to get married at an exquisite mansion hotel with the ceremony itself being in the elegant gardens outside. There was a full-sized maze alongside a stunning fountain, the centrepiece being a marble depiction of Aphrodite rising from the shallows.

You’d taken a walk around the perfectly groomed gardens the night before, taking in all the decorations that you’d painstakingly picked out over the months that had been artfully arranged by the staff. The flowers in the gardens were beautiful, a smorgasbord of pinks, oranges, violets, reds and yellows that brought the whole area to life. Alongside it looking visually perfect, it also smelled amazing as well with the soft scent of different flowers mixing.

At night, the tiny fairy lights that had been strung up around the building front and the metal trellises that were organised in the garden gave off a soft, golden glow. It made the whole place look ethereal and you were excited for everyone else to get to see it during the reception tonight.

The actual wedding ceremony was scheduled to start at two in the afternoon, with only friends and family invited for that. It would be outside as well, with Hoseok and you standing at the end of a make-shift aisle on the lawn section of the hotel’s garden. Temporary chairs had been arranged on both sides for your guests, dark wood with ivory silk draped over everyone. At the end of the aisle, each chair had a silk bow in ivory and deep purple alongside a bouquet of specially arranged flowers. 

It all looked perfect and you’d marvelled at it yesterday, amazed that they’d managed to bring your vision to life. Now all you had to do was walk down it and get married, which was where you were a little panicked.

The room that had been assigned to the bridal party was on the lower floor of the hotel, reducing the risk of you potentially killing yourself by tripping over your dress while walking down the stairs. It was technically two hotel rooms connected through a shared bathroom, which you found bizarre.

Your mom and Hoseok’s mom had taken the other room for their use to get changed, the hairdresser and makeup artist they’d hired working there to make them look their best for the ceremony. Even now, you could hear them chattering and laughing away with each other. Even through your anxiety, you can’t help but smile as you hear them get on so well.

Any fears you’d had about them not liking each other had quickly disappeared. Instead, they’d become good friends and liked to meet up now and then to have a talk over coffee or something. It pleased you to see your mom getting to have more friends.

Eden and Amelia had also chosen to get ready in that room, not wanting to crowd the one you were in too much. It was already full of dresses and a ridiculous amount of makeup and hair product with only four of you so you couldn’t even imagine the chaos with five of you.

In your room was Soyeon, Chungha and Dahyun alongside you. Dahyun was currently three months pregnant, having successfully been inseminated with Jungkook’s sperm. He’d agreed to their request and after a few months of getting prepared for the attempts, Dahyun had undergone the procedure. What it had been exactly, you didn’t know because you hadn’t felt it was your business to pry into something like that.

It was a privilege to even know they were trying before anyone else. Their announcement had come at your bachelorette party when Dahyun had refused alcohol, immediately leading Soyeon and you to be suspicious. You’d never seen Chungha’s beloved ever turn down a drink so it had been a clear sign of something at least.

Needless to say, your party had happily become a celebration of their impending baby. Thankfully, you weren’t one of those people who got overly annoyed at others announcing things at events. Or at least, not big events. Your bachelorette party had been a perfect time to find out, whereas you might not have been so amenable if they’d told everyone today instead.

That was normal though, right? Today was your day. Yours and Hoseok’s. People who felt the need to co-opt special days like that were a special type of self-absorbed in your opinion.

Given it was so early into her pregnancy, Dahyun isn't showing that much. Which meant her bridesmaid dress hadn’t needed to be altered too much. None of them has gotten into their dresses just yet, instead currently in the process of getting their face and hair done. Chungha’s hair has already been done, elegantly styled into a beautiful updo with a few tendrils curled around her face.

The makeup for the girls was a smokey eye with subtle blush and contour, alongside a neutral lip. It wasn’t anything flashy, but you’d loved the concept of it all. Particularly with the small and delicate crystals that dotted along their waterline, adding a little sparkle to match the tiny crystals on their deep violet dresses.

As a present to each of them, you’d bought them a gift set from Pandora. In each one was a pair of dainty stud earrings with a heart design alongside a matching heart-shaped pendant necklace. All the hearts were encrusted with brilliant-cut stones, making the perfect gift that could be used again in the future for casual use.

They’d all been in awe of it and surprised at being given presents as well. You hadn’t even known it was a thing until you’d looked up wedding preparation online, discovering that you should also buy something for Hoseok. Which had led to you buying him the fancy watch he’d been drooling over for months now. It had been eye-watering expensive, but it had been worth it for his excited text this morning.

Along with the watch, you’d also written him a letter. It was meant to be light-hearted and fun, but you’d ended up writing way too much as you’d poured out your love to him alongside everything you felt for him. To your eternal embarrassment, you’d ended up crying while writing it as you’d told him everything you’d never been able to vocalise, including writing possibly a million times that you love him.

He’d been instructed to not read that until just before the ceremony.

His present to you was a gaming table, which might not seem to be very sentimental to anyone else but you’d been ecstatic over it. For years now, you’d been saying that you wanted to buy a proper table that was designed for board games and that could then be used as a normal table when converted. They were super expensive so you’d resigned yourself to never getting one, but he’d printed out the receipt of what he’d ordered and put it into an envelope for you to open tonight.

Neither of you had ever been a traditional couple, and that certainly wasn’t about to change with marriage.

“Hey, you okay?” Amelia asks, interrupting your intense thought process as she sits down next to you. As usual, her aura is warm and reassuring as she reaches over to gently squeeze at your hand. You don’t spend a huge amount of time around her, but you knew both Eden and her enough to want them in your bridal party.

“Yes? No? Maybe? I don’t know. I’m just…” Trailing off, you struggle to find the right words and instead gesture towards the air. It makes no sense but you can’t quite figure out what you’re trying to say. Mainly because you can’t figure out what your mind is thinking.

“It’s okay to be worried, don’t feel like you shouldn’t be. If you’re anxious or nervous then that’s okay as well. Don’t let anyone tell you how you should be feeling, just feel what you are. Trust Hoseok, trust yourself and all your family and friends. We’re all here for you and we want you to have the best day possible. Tell us if anything is wrong, okay? I have no doubt that Chungha and Soyeon would strong-arm everyone into whatever was necessary to make you feel comfortable.” She says, smirking as she nods over to the two women who are chattering away in their respective chairs.

“I know, I know. I’m trying. It’s just...god, everyone is going to be staring at me and I hate being the centre of attention,” Looking down at your hands, you chew at your lips. “What if I mess up the vows? Or I freeze or drop the ring?”

“Hey, it’s normal to feel that. I doubt there’s anyone who’s gotten married who wasn’t at least a little bit anxious about messing something up. Yes, everyone is here to watch you, but they’re for Hoseok too. I’m sure he’s just as worried that he might make a mistake, and if you do then, so what? It’s not going to ruin anything, it just means your human. If anything, people will probably find it endearing. The only person you should concern yourself with is Hoseok, and I doubt there’s anything you could do today to ruin the day for him. Unless you don’t go.” Amelia laughs when you give a shocked gasp, jaw-dropping open and eyes wide.

“I would never do that! But what if he decides he doesn’t want to get married anymore?” Now the worry that had wiggled itself deep inside your mind comes to the fore and you find yourself almost whispering the words. It feels like a betrayal to Hoseok for even thinking he’d do that, but you can’t help the fear.

You must not have been quite enough though as Chungha speaks up, facing you in her chair with a stern expression on her face as she wags her finger. “Lady, do not think that. I don’t want that thought to even enter your head. As if Jung Hoseok is ever going to back out now. I think that man would’ve eloped with you if you’d asked instead. He’s going to be standing at the end of that aisle, probably bawling like a baby.”

“Maybe not that far.” This is from Eden, who’s laid out on the bed in the centre of the room, playing Zelda on her Switch. She’d had her makeup done earlier and is now waiting for the hairdresser to be free while Amelia is waiting for her makeup. All of you had decided that you’d be last to get ready to make sure that everything looked as fresh as possible.

“Want to bet? That man is gonna be sobbing.” This starts up a whole ten-minute discussion about whether or not Hoseok was going to cry at seeing you. Namjoon hadn’t cried but Jimin had during their weddings, surprising no one. But Namjoon had cried at the birth of his daughter.

You weren’t sure, to be honest. Hoseok didn’t cry all that often and you could probably count on one hand how many times you’d seen it over four years. On top of that, you weren’t entirely sure that you wanted to see him crying. It made your chest hurt when he did and you always ended up crying too.

Something about seeing strong and proud men cry was just heartbreaking to you. 

For a while, you just sit back and let the conversation wash over you as they all debate and borderline argue, intensely amongst themselves. They’d all switched around now and they’ll soon start getting into their bridesmaid’s dresses, which meant you’d be finally getting ready.

Your nails had been done the night before with a beautiful design in the same colour scheme as the wedding. They looked so pretty and elegant, which was a surprise to you every time you looked at them as you never really bothered doing your nails. While you liked to do fancy makeup looks now and then to post onto social media, nails were not something you were interested in.

Maybe you should reassess that thought.

“Anyway, what we’re all trying, and failing, to say is that Hoseok loves you and if he doesn’t cry then he’s crying inside at how beautiful you are.” Soyeon states firmly, sitting next to you and admiring your nails as well. All the bridesmaids had the same style to keep the theme going and she wiggled her fingers with a bright smile.

“I’m not even ready yet, you don’t know if I’ll be beautiful.”

There’s dead silence in the room after the comment, with even the hairdresser and makeup artist turning to stare at you. Between the six other women in the room, you’re pretty sure that they’ve got every emotion from shock to annoyance to incredulity covered. Feeling yourself get warm at their attention, you look down to your lap in embarrassment.

Obviously, the wrong thing to say.

“Okay, we’re going to ignore that you just said that. You don’t need to be dolled up and in a wedding dress to be beautiful, it’s just going to enhance what you already have. And I don’t want any arguments on that.” Poking your side lightly, you playfully wince at Soyeon as she scolds you. Everyone else is nodding along solemnly before they carry on with whatever they’d been doing.

“Seriously though, I overheard your conversation with Amelia. She’s right. Embrace your feelings but don’t let them overwhelm you. Standing in front of a crowd is nerve-wracking for anyone, but you’ve got the love of your life standing there with you. Just focus on Hoseok, he’ll get you through it. He always has, right?” Soyeon said.

Giving her a half-smile, you nod and do a remarkably good job of looking like a scolded child or something. You know it’s just because she loves you that she doesn’t want you to berate yourself, along with the fact that she knows what you’re like. If someone doesn’t verbally acknowledge your problems then you’ll just obsess over them.

Your phone screen lights up in your lap before it begins to vibrate suddenly, Hoseok’s name visible on the screen. Frowning down at it, you wonder why he’s calling before a multitude of emotions and thoughts runs through your mind.

“Go take it in the bathroom.” Pulling you up, Soyeon practically pushes you into the bathroom before giving you a smile and a thumbs-up as she closes the door.

Seeing the other door is also open, you peek out and let everyone in that room know that you’d be using the bathroom for a few minutes and to not come in. Once you get the acknowledgement, you close and lock it as well before pushing up to sit on the counter.

“Hobi! Why are you calling?” Leaning back against the mirror, you frown deeply as you question him. The first response is just his familiar deep chuckle, the sound already helping to soothe some of your frayed nerves.

“Amelia texted Joon, who told me. I don’t want you to stress yourself out! Not today, today’s meant to be a happy day. No stress. Or anxiety.” Snorting, you roll your eyes as you trace an invisible design onto your thigh.

“Sure, like that’s gonna happen. You know me. And why are you calling? We’re not meant to see each other until the wedding, it’s bad luck!” There’s a brief pause and you can practically hear him rolling his eyes, the deep sigh he lets out telling you all you need to know.

“Meeps, I’m pretty sure that only counts for physically seeing each other. I can’t see you right now. I don’t recall anything about not being allowed to hear you, or talk to you. Besides, we make our luck.” He sounds so nonchalant and now it’s your turn to sigh at him.

“You’re going to get us hit by lightning or something.”

“Impossible, the weather schedule for today is meant to be sunny with a little bit of cloud later on. Nice warm temperatures that aren’t too hot but also not too cold. Perfect. No lightning.” His immediate rebuttal has you laughing, unable to stay mad at him for too long. Not when he’s trying so hard to take your mind off things.

“Seriously though, are you okay? What are you worried about? Talk to me.” Hoseok asks, his voice calm and steady as he stops joking around. There’s a brief moment of resistance, the thought that you don’t want to bother him with your silly thoughts or annoying emotions before you remember that you can trust him. No matter how ridiculous it sounds in your head, Hoseok will listen and he won’t make fun of you.

“I’m just...scared. Of all the people. Like, they’re going to be watching me or staring. What if I look fat or ugly? Or I fuck up saying the vows? Or I drop the ring or my dress splits or something? Or if I trip down the aisle?! Or if you decide you don’t want to marry me anymore?” As you begin to reel off the questions that have been plaguing your mind, you can feel your chest getting a little tighter and your breathing shallower.

With the practised ease of someone who’s dealt with your panic attacks over the years, Hoseok makes calming and reassuring noises over the phone until you’re silent. Just listening to him, you take in the comforting words as he lets you know that you’re okay and everything is fine. Finally, once he thinks you’re calm enough, he carries on.

“Meeps, that’s fine. Don’t be upset that you’re having those thoughts. I’ve had every one of those thoughts today as well. I mean...not the dress one. Substitute that for pants splitting or something, which is even more embarrassing because my underwear is not black today. But the point I’m trying to make here is that it’s normal to have those thoughts today. I’d probably be more worried if you weren’t having them.” He pauses to laugh before you hear shuffling noises.

There’s no doubt he’s probably not even getting into his tuxedo just yet and you curse the fact that men take far less time to get ready than women. He’ll probably only start like...an hour before the ceremony begins or something.

“But all I’ll say is, it doesn’t matter if anything goes wrong because we’ll fix it. You and me, just like always. You won’t look fat or ugly because you’re neither fat nor ugly anyway, instead, you’ll be the most beautiful woman here. Which you always are to me but don’t let my mom hear me tell you that. And I’m going to be standing at the end of the aisle, I promise you that. I’m the one who proposed to you and I will be there, waiting for you. That’s one thing I can assure you of completely.” Hoseok says this firmly, his voice perhaps more serious than you’ve ever heard it before.

You can practically feel his determination to make you understand that he’s going to be there. That he’s going to marry you today, no matter what happens. It makes your heart swell with love and emotion, causing you to press your hand against your mouth.

Hoseok takes your silence as a positive, choosing to let it carry on for a little longer before speaking once more.

“I love you, Meeps. And by the end of today, you’re going to be my wife. We’re going to have a great day with a beautiful ceremony and a fun reception before probably going to bed drunk. Or at least, I’m going to be drunk. Not entirely sure if I’ll be able to take you to Poundtown tonight-”

“Don’t ever say that again.” 

“But if not tonight then definitely tomorrow. Unless you don’t want me to drink, in which case probably tonight if you’re up for it.” Shaking your head, you can’t help but smile at his stupid comments. He always knew how to cheer you up, even if it was with the most ridiculous thing you’d heard today.

“You can drink, I’m not going to make you sober throughout the entire reception. I want you to have fun with everyone, so if you end up drunk then that’s fine. Just don’t go overboard.”

“Choosing to ignore my Poundtown comments, I see.” 

“Jung Hoseok, I am going to hang up now. I will see you later, okay?”

“Okay. Love you.” Feeling a little shy, you murmur your next words into the phone.

“Love you too.”

-

The ceremony is officially about to start and you stare at the open door, knowing that outside all your guests are waiting. Not only that, but Hoseok is at the end of the aisle. You’d been reassured by everyone there who had peeked out to make sure, quelling your fears and worries.

All the groomsmen had come inside upon finding out you were here, lining themselves up alongside their specified bridesmaid partners and chatting away happily. They all looked incredibly handsome in their suits, the colours matching the bridesmaids perfectly and you felt a little pride at having thought of a good colour scheme.

Your mom is fussing around you, making sure that your dress looks perfect and that your bouquet hasn’t fallen apart or anything. Sighing, you gently push her hands away as she tries once more to move your necklace.

All of them had given you something as part of the tradition for the bride. Dahyun had lent you a beautiful Cartier bracelet, glowing with diamonds, as part of the ‘something borrowed’ while Chungha had bought you diamond earrings for the ‘something new’. Your mom had given you the bracelet she’d worn for her wedding, now occupying your other wrist and Hoseok’s mom had provided the necklace adorning your neck.

It was a beautiful silver necklace with a dainty leaf design, leading to the main piece in the centre which was dotted with tiny diamonds. Each leaf spreading out had either amethyst or an aquamarine gem in alternating order. She’d ordered it specially made for your wedding, matching your engagement ring with the gems and fulfilling the ‘something blue’.

You’d been amazed at everything they’d given you, understanding now why they’d all told you now to buy any jewellery for the day. They’d all decided to make sure you had everything you needed anyway.

But you knew that your mom’s need to keep straightening out your dress or brushing away unseen dust was just to keep herself preoccupied. She’d already cried once when you’d come out in your wedding dress, makeup and hair all done. That had earned her an exasperated sigh from the makeup artist.

“Mom, mom, come on,” You coo to her, smiling before taking her hands and squeezing. “You gotta go out there, go get your place.” 

She hesitates for a moment, unwilling to leave you before nodding. After a few words of reassurance from her to you, telling you that you’re going to do well and it’s all going to go fine, she turns and hugs your dad tightly before kissing him. You’d feel embarrassed at the sight of it, never quite being comfortable with your parents' displays of affection, but it just causes you to laugh softly.

Once she’s out the door, you hear the music begin from outside, the notes flowing through the door faintly. Everyone inside quietens and you can almost feel the excitement ramp up. It just makes you feel more nervous though, particularly when they start to head out in their pairs slowly.

“Are you ready?” Your dad asks, his eyes already going glassy with tears as his lip wobbles slightly. Giving him a concerned look, you immediately reach up to wipe the tears as they start to fall, feeling your heartbreak at the sight of your dad crying. He never cried.

“Dad! Don’t cry, oh my god. I’m sorry.” Cleaning up his face quickly, you’re stopped by the gentle way he grasps your wrists. For a moment, you think that he’s going to push you away but instead, he pulls you closer and carefully hugs you.

It’s a little awkward as you’re trying not to ruin the carefully done hair and makeup, but you can’t deny your dad a hug. Especially when you’d never really been much of a hugger growing up. You would be cruel to deny him one, especially on your wedding day. Your parents were feeling emotional that their little girl was getting married today.

“It’s okay, sweetheart. It’s just your old dad getting sappy. You look so beautiful. Hoseok is so lucky, you better remind him of that every day.” He’s pulled back now, giving you the softest smile that is still a little watery. His hands move to your shoulders and he stands back to examine you fully, his eyes taking in everything.

Before you can respond to him, Yoongi is disappearing out of the door and heading towards the aisle. He’s alone, as you’d planned, but in one hand is the bouquet that Hoseok’s sister would’ve held had she still been alive. It had been his suggestion to hold it, symbolising the family member that Hoseok didn’t have anymore and you’d been more than willing to agree.

You wondered what Hoseok thought when he saw it as neither of you had told him that Yoongi would be holding it. Hopefully, he was happy with it, along with his parents.

Turning back to you, your dad squeezes your shoulders reassuringly before smiling at you. Ironically, all it does is make you more nervous as you realise that now you’re the one who’s going to have to walk down that aisle next. 

“Come on, it’s time to make your fiancé cry.” His words in a teasing tone, your dad turns to face the door before offering you his arm. Standing there, you stare at him before looking at the door with trepidation. Nerves roil in your stomach as you hear the faint sound of music playing, knowing that everyone out there is waiting for you.

Which in turn means everyone will be staring at you.

Those nerves quickly turn to anxiety and your breath comes faster, chest feeling a little constricted by the tight bodice of the dress. Without even realising it, your hands start to shake and the bouquet in them shudders visibly.

Quickly, your dad takes the bouquet from you to make sure that you don’t accidentally deflower them or crush the stems. The last thing you needed was to ruin your perfect bouquet only minutes before you were supposed to walk down the aisle.

It frees up your hands and you find yourself flapping them as you stress, trying to shake out the negative emotions as you pant. Your dad’s eyes widen, obviously panicking himself at your obvious distress. He’s never had to deal with you struggling like this before and he doesn’t know what to do but his paternal instincts kick in quickly.

“Hey, come on, sweetheart. Breathe, breathe. Take a big breath in, come on, that’s it. Not let it out slowly. And again, that’s right.” Talking to you in his comforting voice, tone level and low, you follow his instructions and start to feel a little calmer as you force yourself to calm your breathing. It’s hard, and you still feel the anxiety but it feels a little more manageable now.

Closing your eyes, you run through all the tips your therapist had given you for how to cope with anxiety attacks. What worked for you was to sing in your head, the lyrics, whatever song you were loving lately. It probably takes longer than you’d have liked but finally you feel like you can cope with your emotions enough to carry on.

When you open your eyes again, your dad is giving you an expectant, yet worried, look. Shaking your hands once more, you reach out and take the bouquet from him before taking a deep breath. Linking your arm through his, you straighten your shoulders and lift your chin before smiling at him.

“Okay, okay. Let’s go.”

-

Walking down the aisle is surprisingly less stressful than you’d imagined. The famous wedding song plays through the air as you walk slowly and the whole atmosphere feels almost like a fairytale. The soft lights twinkle even in the daylight while the gentle, warm breeze makes the ribbons on the chairs flutter delicately.

Along the floor, the white and purple rose petals that Namjoon’s daughter had spread in her role as flower girl were strewn haphazardly. A few of them caught the breeze and rolled delicately to a new place, making it seem like the floor was consistently changing. You liked it, smiling at the sight of how beautiful everything looked.

Everyone was staring at you, as you’d expected, but surprisingly it wasn’t as intimidating as you’d thought. You didn’t exactly enjoy it but it wasn’t terrible. Probably because you were more focused on initially admiring how perfect everything looked. How months and months of thought and money had finally accumulated into the perfect wedding.

But mostly, you weren’t as bothered by the staring because you were focused on the end of the aisle. There was no real altar here, given that it was being held at a hotel and everything, but the metal garden arch at the end had been decorated in delicate flowers, ribbons and lights to make an even better end.

And beneath it stood Hoseok.

If you’d ever thought Hoseok looked handsome before then it paled in comparison to him today. His black tuxedo made him look tall and slim, every part of him looking perfectly put together and elegant. The deep purple waistcoat beneath his jacket contrasted with the white of his shirt perfectly; the colour combination making his skin almost glow with health and happiness.

There was only the slightest hint of tattoos at the edge of his collar, leaving to the imagination the artwork he had permanently on his body beneath his clothes but you didn’t need to imagine. You’d seen them all, traced them delicately into your memory over the years until you could point out where they were without even seeing them.

Finally reaching him, you paused to look at your dad and gave him a bright smile of gratitude before giving him a second hug. This one was a little tighter than before and when you let go of him, you saw that he was crying once more. He didn’t give your hand to Hoseok, instead just gave him a stern look while trying to surreptitiously wipe away his tears.

“You look after her, Jung Hoseok. You make sure she’s the happiest woman.” There’s iron in his voice, telling Hoseok that it wasn’t a question but more a command. But there’s also love and affection in it, something Hoseok can tell as well by the way he nods his head.

Handing your bouquet to Chungha, you take Hoseok’s proffered hand. Up close, you can take in the details of his face better and you take a moment to simply admire him and imprint him into your memory.

The sides of his head had been shaven, the undercut short and seen with the style he’d chosen to wear today. His hair had been styled back, pushed away from his forehead. It was a look that had made you weak in the knees many times over the years and you’d practically begged him to have it for the wedding, knowing that he’d blow everyone’s mind with how handsome he looked.

Hoseok had a face that looked like it had been hand-carved by the gods from the finest marble anyway and this hairstyle showed off all the highlights of his face. The high cheekbones that made his smiles so animated, his cutting jawline, the clean slope of his nose, the heart-shaped smile that lit his entire face and the dimples that made him seem so human. 

His lip ring was still in, the silver shining in the sunlight. He’d been unsure whether to wear it but you’d told him to embrace himself and keep it. You’d fallen in love with him as he was, and you wanted him to show himself how you saw him. Which included his piercings and tattoos.

Your heart clenched though when you looked into his eyes finally. Hoseok’s eyes were one of your favourite things about him. The crescents they turned into when he smiled brightly, pushed into the shape by his cheeks and the way his eyes could practically dance with delight when he was happy.

Today though, those beautiful and expressive eyes were watery with tears. The wet streak on his cheek told you that he’d already had some of them fall and you frowned at the sight of them. Everyone had been right; Hoseok had cried upon seeing you down the aisle.

“Baby.” You whisper, unsure if you’re meant to talk to him. Deciding you don’t care, you reach up to wipe away the tears and smile when he kisses the palm of your hand before nuzzling into it, uncaring of everyone else.

“Meeps, you look perfect. I read your letter, I love you too.” Before you can stop him, he’s leaning forward and pressing a quick kiss to your lips. There’s a murmur in the crowd, alongside some laughter and he looks over at everyone with a raised brow.

No one says anything though and he gets a satisfied look, ignoring your shy expression as you turn away from everyone.

“You’re not supposed to do that.” Keeping your voice low, you give a hesitant smile to the official who will be taking you both through your ceremony. Hoseok lets out a snort of laughter as he squeezes your hand tight, letting his thumb run along the back of your hand lovingly.

“I don’t care. It’s our wedding, I’ll do what I want.” And before you can stop him, he turns you and gives you another kiss, this one lingering a little longer. Eyes widening, you can’t help but giggle as you hear yet more laughter.

You should be annoyed at him, but you know he’s a force of nature. Plus, you don’t care. It feels nice to know he can’t help himself.

“Okay, let’s get married, Meeps.” He grins at you before facing the officiant once more. Staring at him a moment longer, you smile at him and nod.

“Let’s get married.”

-

Hobi Hobi,

We’re getting married today! Are you excited? I hope you’re reading this when I told you to, if not then you’re cheating >:[ it feels weird to write a letter. I don’t even know if I’ve ever done this before, so I’m sorry if it sounds really cheesy and lame. What do people write in these normally? I’m just going to write what comes to mind so if it ends up sappy then you’re not allowed to tease me later about it. 

Anyway, I want you to know that I’m sorry that I suck so much at telling you how I feel and my emotions. I wish I could be one of those people who’s telling you every moment how handsome you are and how much I love you but I can’t. I’m sorry :( I’m trying, I swear! Even if I don’t get to tell you as often as you deserve, I hope you know that I love you more than anything in the world.

Don’t ever forget that, okay? Even when we’re arguing over something silly or we go to bed mad at each other, don’t forget that. I know we’re pretty good at talking things out but there’s always that chance that we could have a big blowout. So I want you to remember that I love you. 

I’m still not entirely sure what I did to deserve you, but I don’t regret sending you that message. If anything, I think I should send the Flower team a big bunch of flowers or something for creating the algorithm that brought you up as a match. Imagine if it hadn’t and I’d just deleted the app, we’d have never met and I’d still be lonely and sad.

But we did meet, and I took a chance on you by sending you that embarrassing message. And then you took a chance by actually meeting up with me and going on that date. I still remember it, and I don’t know if I ever told you but I still have the ticket for the escape room. I know you still have yours in your wallet :) Thank you for giving me your time, even if I wasn’t your type. I hope I’m your type now.

I’m not sure that I will ever be able to tell you how important you are to me. Not only myself but my life. You’ve helped me to embrace myself and learn to love myself over the years through kindness. I know my limits in terms of my mental health now and you’ve helped to support me with the medication and the therapist. Neither of those were things I’d been comfortable with doing before your encouragement. But you also gave me a safe space to break down in; somewhere that I knew I could be at my most vulnerable mentally without having to risk being hurt even more.

You held me when I cried, you comforted me when I panicked and you calmed my anxiety over the years. I can never thank you enough for helping me to understand that these aren’t deficiencies and I’m not broken. I just need a little help to get through things sometimes. At the same time, I hope that I’ve become that safe space for you as well. I know that you’re not as emotional as I am, but I feel that you’ve opened up to me about things that hurt you. I’ll keep your secrets safe and I’ll always be here for you!

I hope you’re happy with your life now. With me, and our home and our furbabies. I hope you stay happy, and if you don’t then talk to me. Please. I don’t want us to ever realise that we’re making each other unhappy and I don’t want to ever be the reason for negativity. I want to spend the rest of my life with you in our little home, growing old together as we play board games and dote on our animals while you increase your tattoo collection even more. I know that people like to say that they can’t imagine their lives with their significant other, but I really do feel like that.

My life without you would be hollow and monochrome, as you bring colour to my world and fill it with joy and happiness. I’ve never laughed as much as I have these last few years with you and I know we’ll keep that in our relationship if we try hard. 

I don’t really know where this letter is going and I’m babbling now. But I guess the main thing is just that I can’t wait to marry you. It may not be very feminist of me but I can’t wait to take your name and be your wife. I can’t wait to call you my husband. I’m going to be terrified in the ceremony and so nervous but I’ll be happy too, I promise! I still can’t believe that you picked me, out of all the women you’ve seen, to be your girlfriend and then decided that you wanted to marry me.

Jung Hoseok, I solemnly swear to treasure you for the rest of your life and make sure you know how much I love you. I might not be able to tell you all that much, but I’ll show you. I’ll make you smile and laugh, I’ll buy you things that make me think of you, I’ll hug you tight and cuddle you until you’re complaining.

So in case it wasn’t obvious enough, I love you. I just want you to know because I know I suck at telling you, like I said. I’m also bad at writing letters but what’s new? I’ll finish this off quickly so you’re not spending too long reading this. Don’t want to make you late for our wedding after all.

I love you. I love you, Jung Hoseok. I love you, Hobi. I love you, I love you, I love you.

Lots and lots and lots of love, your soon to be wife <333333