#anyway i don't get why people are giving her shit for investing in a bag she liked

[jonathanrook]

why are people clowning on sara's new bag so much $100 isn't even that much money for a high quality bag

[twoidiotwriters1]

Written In The Stars CXVI (Harry Potter xF!Oc)

A/N: I promise I have this shit handled there won’t be more drama than needed I PROMISE -Danny

Words: 3,545

Series’ Masterlist

Previous Chapter // Next Chapter

Listen to: ‘Want You Back’ -by 5sos

Chapter Fourteen: A Distraction.

"You see the numerals around the edge of the coins?" Hermione explained quickly as she handed a coin to each student. 

"On real Galleons, that's just a serial number referring to the goblin who cast the coin. On these fake coins, though, the numbers will change to reflect the time and date of the next meeting. The coins will grow hot when the date changes, so if you're carrying them in a pocket you'll be able to feel them. We take one each, and when Harry and Mel set the date of the next meeting they'll change the numbers on their coin, and because we've put a Protean Charm on them, they'll all change to mimic theirs."

"Took the majority of our weekend to make 'em, but I think we did a decent job," Mel smiled proudly.

After a couple of seconds where no one said anything, Hermione added anxiously:

"Well — when Mel told me about this I thought it was a good idea– I mean, even if Umbridge asked us to turn out our pockets, there's nothing fishy about carrying a Galleon, is there? But... well, if you don't want to use them..."

"You can do a Protean Charm?" said Terry Boot.

"Yes," said Hermione. "I mean, Mel and I just learned so they could be a bit faulty, but we're quite sure they'll work just fine..."

"But that's... that's N.E.W.T. standard, that is," he said weakly.

"Oh," said Hermione, trying to sound modest. "Oh... well... yes, I suppose it is..."

"Well, I'm not having lessons with my uncle for nothing," Mel laughed. "I'm a natural talent, and Hermione is a fast learner. You can trust us."

"How come you're not in Ravenclaw?" Terry asked in shock. "With brains like yours?"

"Well, the Sorting Hat did seriously consider putting me in Ravenclaw during my Sorting," said Hermione with joy, "but it decided on Gryffindor in the end."

"And when the hat sorted me, I was definitely not Ravenclaw-worthy," Mel said, deep in thought. "I wonder if it would change its mind now that I'm older..."

"So does that mean we're using the Galleons?" Hermione insisted.

There was a general agreement and everyone dispersed, Mel went back to the bookshelves and put a bit of order before leaving.

"You're a brilliant teacher," said a voice behind her.

Mel turned around to see Fred standing there, his arms crossed.

"Arranging books isn't that hard... neither is reading them, you know?" She teased.

"I prefer to use my time on more enjoyable things," He shrugged, the boy got closer and picked up a few books to help her. "Like working on my products... talking to pretty girls..."

"What do you want?" She snorted.

"What, I'm nice and suddenly you assume I need something?"

She stared at him knowingly, raising a brow.

"Okay, fine," He sighed. "Some of us talked and decided I was the bloke that had to come and ask you..."

"Ask what?"

"Well, you see, we're confused," He continued carefully. "...About your love life."

"I don't see how that's any of your business."

"Oh, it's not, believe me," Fred raised a brow. "But my friends are cowards and I'm your friend, so they pushed me to ask you. Because they're really invested in your life, and they want to know–"

"If I'm available?" Mel ended. "Sorry to be the one who tells them this, but I like people who aren't afraid of me."

"They're not afraid of you," The boy hesitated, "not in the way you think."

"I'm their teacher, I can't date them," She replied casually.

"Don't try to give that excuse," Fred responded right away. "Harry's been all over Cho and she's his student as well!"

"Yeah, but I'm not Harry."

Fred stayed quiet for a moment before trying again.

"I don't know why would he choose her over you, though."

"Fred," She warned him. "Not now..."

"No, really," He continued. "I don't know what happened, but you seemed to be having the best time and then the third task came and–"

"Exactly," She dropped a book on the table with a loud thud. "You don't know. No one does and I would appreciate it if everyone could just stop trying to know..."

"We worry about you," He frowned. "You're not the same. Harry's not the same, we know something really awful happened if You-Know-Who's trying to kill you. But you don't have to go through it alone."

"You want to help me?" She turned around, walking up to him and poking his chest with her finger. "Stay out of it. Don't ask. That'll help me more than dating one of your friends."

"I'm not trying to set you up with anyone, I'm just trying to understand!"

"Understand what?" Mel asked in frustration. "I have friends, people listen to me– They invite me places, some even want to date me! I've never been better!"

"You have," He pushed her hand away. "Last year, after Harry pulled you out of the lake–"

"Honestly, to hell with Harry," She scowled. "I don't need him. He doesn't need me. We found common ground while planning these lessons and that's really all the interaction we require. I still care about him and I will help him if he asks nicely, but I don't–"

"Mel–"

"I'm fine!" She raised her voice. "I'm so busy– the lessons and the D.A.– and Umbridge being a pain, and that nagging headache that comes and goes every time this bloody boy gets in trouble–"

"Mel..."

"So what if he wants to date Cho?" She started to pick up more books and setting them in random places. "I'm no one to stop him. We never dated! I can't have feelings for him!"

"But you do."

"Of course I do, Fred!" Mel blurted out. "I'm in love with him!"

The girl closed her eyes and pinched the bridge of her nose. She wasn't going to cry a second time because of a boy, let alone in front of someone else.

"Hey," Fred stirred into acting and hugged her gently. "I get it... No, I don't. But I don't judge you."

"Why not?" She said hoarsely. "I'm an idiot. He rejected me months ago and I can't let it go."

He shrugged.

"Listen, I'm no expert at romance, but you obviously need time to figure things out. I'll make sure my friends won't annoy you, don't worry, you'll be left alone if that's what you want."

"Not alone," She held onto him in worry. "I don't want to be left alone– just... it'd be nice if they can give me space."

"Whatever suits you, Lady," He agreed. "You know, I'm not used to being the comforting bloke. I'm more the funny type."

"Growing up means you learn how to be both," She said softly. "I think you're great."

"Flattery won't get you anywhere with me," He raised a brow.

"I'd never heard such a blatant lie."

Ron sat down next to her with an air of despair. She put an empty bowl in front of the boy.

"I must've been mental to do this," He mumbled. "Mental."

"Don't be thick," said Harry, sitting on his other side and handing him the cereal. "You're going to be fine. It's normal to be nervous."

"I'm rubbish. I'm lousy. I can't play to save my life. What was I thinking?"

"Ron, when we trained together you were wonderful!" Mel frowned. "Don't let their sneers get to you, you've worked hard!"

"Get a grip," said Harry. "Look at that save you made with your foot the other day, even Fred and George said it was brilliant —"

"That was an accident!" He said, turning an ugly shade of green. "I didn't mean to do it — I slipped off my broom when none of you were looking and I was trying to get back on and I kicked the Quaffle by accident."

"Well," Harry glanced at her in a silent plea, "a few more accidents like that and the game's in the bag, isn't it?"

"Certainly!" Mel agreed, knowing that even the slightest argument could mess with Ron's spirits.

"How're you feeling?" Ginny asked her brother as soon as she and Hermione sat down.

"He's just nervous," Harry replied quickly.

"Well, that's a good sign, I never feel you perform as well in exams if you're not a bit nervous," said Hermione heartily.

"Definitely helps you be more cautious," Mel nodded, softly rubbing Ron's back.

"Hello," Luna walked up to them, she was wearing a massive Lion head as a hat, which she pointed casually. "I'm supporting Gryffindor. Look what it does..."  She tapped it with her wand. The lion roared so loudly a few students chocked on their food.

"Wicked!" Mel said.

"It's good, isn't it? I wanted to have it chewing up a serpent to represent Slytherin, you know, but there wasn't time. Anyway... good luck, Ronald!"

"Isn't she lovely, Ron?" Mel beamed. "She came to wish you good luck, wasn't that nice?"

"Wonderful," Ron said dryly.

Angelina, Katie, and Alicia appeared behind them.

"When you're ready," Angelina said, "we're going to go straight down to the pitch, check out conditions and change."

"We'll be there in a bit," Harry replied. "Ron's just got to have some breakfast."

But no matter how hard Mel and Harry tried to convince him to eat, he refused every attempt. Mel got up to follow the boys outside, Hermione did as well and pulled Harry aside for a second.

"Don't let Ron see what's on those Slytherins' badges," she whispered.

Mel knew what she was talking about, those badges with 'Weasley is our king' written on them. She'd tried to hex them while no one was looking, but one warning look of Hermione was enough to stop her.

"Good luck, Ron," Hermione put one hand on her friend's shoulder and kissed his cheek. "And you, Harry —"

Mel had to hide her smile after seeing the boy's reaction to Hermione's gesture. Then, as fast as the pleasant feeling appeared, it also came the realization that there was one tradition that she could not do.

She walked quietly next to Ron, praying that Harry was too distracted with his friend to even remember the missing element. She got to the changing rooms and gave Ron a tight hug, whispering soft words of comfort that she knew her friend was not listening.

"Lady!" Fred and George were coming from the castle, and a huge relief washed over her. "Came to wish us good luck?"

Harry froze, she saw him turn and silently cursed the twins, the boy seemed to have forgotten about the tradition, but at the mention he immediately backtracked. Mel ran up to the twins pretending she hadn't seen him.

"I actually came to wish Ron good luck, this being his first game and all," She smiled. "But I guess it'd be better if I wish you all good luck, you need all the good wishes you can get."

"That we do," George frowned, looking at Ron over her shoulder. "How's he doing?"

"If I'm honest, terribly," Mel said grimly. "Please don't mess with him today, all right?"

"Wouldn't dream of it," He sighed. "Thank you for your good wishes, Lady."

"No problem," She said brightly.

Mel hugged both -having to stand on her tiptoes but not as much as before- when it was Fred's turn, he held onto her a bit longer to whisper in her ear.

"Wasn't this your tradition with Harry? The good luck hugs?"

"I can't do it!" Mel said, holding onto Fred tighter. "What should I do?"

"Well, you could be a twat and leave after I break the hug," He offered. "Or you could stop being silly and just wish him good luck as well. You don't have to hug him or anything..."

She gulped.

"Fine. Thank you."

Fred stepped back, his usual playful grin appearing.

"Hey, if I remember correctly the hug always comes with a kiss– Where's ours?"

"Win the game and you might get it," She snickered.

Fred and George walked past -not without ruffling her hair first- and left her at Harry's mercy. True to Fred's words, he approached her.

"You know..." He started. "I'm glad you came to wish us good luck and... er–"

"Of course," Mel said. "Ron's one of my best friends."

Harry lowered his gaze.

"Yeah, I know that..." He rubbed the back of his neck. "See you..."

Harry looked up, those gloomy eyes finding hers.

"Good luck," She said, nodding shortly and leaving before her urge for physical contact could convince her to do something stupid.

Weasley cannot save a thing,

He cannot block a single ring,

That's why Slytherins all sing:

Weasley is our King.

Weasley was born in a bin, He always lets the Quaffle in,

Weasley will make sure we win,

Weasley is our King.

"Hermione I beg you," Mel groaned. "One hex, let me do it once and I promise I'll be quiet for the rest of the game."

"I can't, Mel. If you do it I'll have to take points from you."

"But listen to them!"

"I know! But it's best if we just ignore it–"

"Not for Ron it isn't!" Mel huffed.

Weasley is our King, Weasley is our King, He always lets the Quaffle in, Weasley is our King.

"Tell me, nutty," Pansy pushed her way through the crowd. "How does it feel to know you're about to lose to Crabbe and Goyle?"

"Who said we're losing?" Mel asked without looking at her, her knuckles white from the effort of keeping a neutral attitude.

"— and Pucey's dodged Alicia again, and he's heading straight for goal, stop it, Ron!"

The crowd on her side groaned and swore under their breath. Pansy laughed happily.

"Are you going to comfort your boyfriend after the game is over? I can picture him all grumpy and mean– and you still melt around him as if he were the cutest kitten!"

"You're one to talk," Mel rolled her eyes. "Harry's not my boyfriend. When your friends care about you that's what you do, you comfort them. But of course you wouldn't know, you have no real friends..."

"You call that group of admirers your friends?" Pansy sneered. "As if they actually cared about you, they just talk to you because they're brainless!"

"Is that why you're talking to me, then? Leave me alone. I want to watch the game."

"Pansy, we should move," She heard Daphne Greengrass's voice. "We're surrounded..."

Pansy pushed Mel's shoulder as she walked past, which wasn't any better, cause now she had no excuse to not pay attention to the tragedy happening in front of her.

Poor Ron couldn't catch a break and Mel felt something growing around her, her anxiety and anger were building up as the Slytherin sang louder. Mel breathed in and out several times, she looked down to the part of the railing she was holding and saw her hands were leaving a dark stain on it.

Suddenly, Harry dived down to catch the snitch, Malfoy following suit. Her mood lifted instantly, if she could trust in something, that was Harry's quidditch skills. In a matter of seconds, Harry stabilized his broom, the snitch safely guarded inside his palm.

Mel was in the middle of letting out a relieved sigh when a bludger hit Harry right at the base of his back, the impact pushed him out of his broom and Mel's stomach dropped even though he had been merely four or five feet away from the ground.

"Is he all right?!" Mel leaned over the railing and Hermione was quick to hold her back.

She heard Parvati and Lavender giggling behind her.

"Oh, there it is," Lavender laughed.

"You had us worried, Mel! Ever since the year started we were wondering whether if you had moved on from your little crush..."

"Yeah, for a moment you fooled us!" Lavender laughed, though it wasn't meant to be mocking. "But hey, if he goes to the hospital wing again we'll make sure to send you breakfast and dinner so you don't famish while you look after him."

Harry was okay after all, and he got up like nothing had happened. After she confirmed this, a wave of annoyance hit her.

Why, even after all those months staying away from him, people kept insisting on calling her Harry's admirer? That was long over! She wouldn't drop everything just to help him. She could've ignored those comments when Fred mentioned them, and she could've let it go when Pansy taunted, but for some reason, hearing her own classmates say it made her blood boil.

She wasn't an extension of Harry, she was her own person! She even regretted telling Fred she was in love. She was not. Definitely not.

She saw the girls in the team holding Fred back, and George being held back by Harry. Her eyes soon found Malfoy, who was saying something to them with a nasty smirk.

"We have a problem," She told Hermione and quickly made her way out of the stands to stop whatever Malfoy was attempting to create.

"Or perhaps," Malfoy was saying as she arrived, "you can remember what your mother's house stank like, Potter, and Weasley's pigsty reminds you of it —"

Harry and George jumped into action, not even caring about pulling out their wands, they went at it with their bare fists.

"Harry! HARRY! GEORGE! NO!"

Mel pushed some people out of the way, but the scandal caught everyone's attention and it was harder to get to them.

"IMPEDIMENTA!" Madame Hooch shouted. Harry and George flew far from Malfoy's reach. "What do you think you're doing? I've never seen behaviour like it — back up to the castle, both of you, and straight to your Head of House's office! Go! Now!"

Malfoy was whimpering on the ground, completely beaten. Fred was being held by the three Gryffindor chasers and he was completely red. Harry and George got up, panting and bleeding, bruised all over. She felt her knuckles tingling, the side of her head was pounding. Harry was hurting.

She walked up to Fred instead.

"It's okay!" She yelled at the girls. "I got this!"

She saw their relieved expressions, everyone knew that the only student the twins would listen to apart from Lee was Mel. They let him go, and he tried to walk up to Malfoy, but Mel stood in his way.

"Calm down!" She held him back. "Your brother's in trouble already, don't do this to Angelina!"

"You didn't hear what he was saying," Fred used a voice she'd never heard before. "That fucking rat–"

"It's over," Mel insisted, trying to ignore the pulsations on her body that she knew belonged to Harry's side of the lifeline. "Look at him! The guy's pulp at this point..."

"Yeah, but he's not dead, so there's a few things I can do..." He tried to get rid of her, but Mel only moved her hands up to cup his face and forced him to look at her.

"You're not doing anything! You'll get punished too!"

"It'll be worth it!" He insisted. "And you can't stop me!"

Mel was angry for several reasons. She was angry because Harry was angry, and she'd been through a roller coaster of emotions that morning. She was vulnerable and having a hard time muting out Harry's feelings. She just couldn't do it.

She was pissed because no matter how far from Harry she'd stand, people kept seeing her as his delusional devotee, it didn't matter how nice she was with the rest of the school, most only talked to her out of pure selfish interest, either popularity or trying to have their way with her.

It was humiliating to see how everyone just continued to compare her to the men in her life. Like she couldn't be relevant on her own. If she didn't have a voice, at least she'd make sure no one would look at her and think she was Harry's.

Mel held Fred's face tighter and pulled him down in a sudden kiss. She heard gasps and whispers all around her, she felt Fred going terribly stiff for a second before abruptly reciprocating. His actions took her by surprise and she yelped, jumping out of reach.

Fred blinked, his arms hovering on the same place where her figure had been seconds before, he didn't know what to do with himself.

"Wha..?" He said, sounding completely lost. "What?"

"You won," She blurted out, looking around and realizing than most of her classmates had seen her. "I said that if you won, I'd kiss you–"

"You said maybe," He interrupted in bewilderment.

"I know what I said!" Mel felt like she could faint out of pure embarrassment. "Maybe I just wanted to kiss you!"

"Well, maybe I should ask you on a date!" He replied defensively.

"I'd say yes, thank you!" The girl pulled her robes up her neck. Then she added in discomfort. "Can we please leave now?"

The boy noticed everyone was looking at them and nodded. They left the field, keeping as much distance between them as possible.

'What have I done?' Mel thought in distress.

Next Chapter —> 

Taglist.

@dee123ksha @vampiregirl1797 @siriuslysirius1107 @stardusthigh @mikariell95 @vernon-dursley @thesuitelifeofafangirl @tomshollandz @kylosleftbuttcheek @reverse-hxlland @bloodorangemoonlight @omiwashere @t-rexs-world​ @sarcasticallywitty15 @21bruhs

[saintlexii]

A/N: More Saints Row 1 NPC quotes for y'all because I got board. (Quotes come from my 3 different saved games at 8%, 49%, and 77% completion)

Part 1 - Part 2 - Part 3 - Part 4 - Part 5 - Part 6 - Part 7

- Watch your back, man, I hear Hughes is taking names.

- Maybe my girl would respect me more if I hung out with you.

- I'm buyin' a bunch of purple clothes today, isn't that cool?

- If I don't kill someone soon I'm gonna forget how.

- If my man is asleep when I come home I'm throwing his ass out.

- They don't teach you how to change clothes in the Row?

- Who sold out your boss?

- I didn't wanna be in that stupid sorority anyway.

- Third Street's outta the ghetto now.

- You got us to the top, I hope you keep us there.

- I give the best damn blowjob in Stilwater.

- Remember where you came up from, man.

- There's no way I coulda done what you did.

- Maybe now there'll be some order.

- The Lopez family's gone? I don't believe it.

- So, how does it feel to be the voice of Julius?

- With you callin' the shots, no one can touch us.

- There ain't a man working the docks that hasn't heard of you.

- This whole town's afraid of us.

- The way I hear it, you're lookin' to take the whole damn city.

- You make sure Julius finishes what he started.

- Is Julius gonna stick around this time?

- If you ever wanna start some shit, let me know.

- I think my philosophy professor was hitting on me.

- Don't tell anyone, but I think you might be harder than Johnny.

- Julius better watch himself, King ain't gonna play nice this time.

- Do you like older women?

- I should hookup with a gang, that'll get me some chicks.

- Julius ever mention me?

- Looks like the Saints weren't pussies like everyone said.

- How's Lin doin'? I ain't seen her in a while.

- I wouldn't wanna be in your way.

- The Saints have earned some respect, but that don't mean people are gonna roll over.

- My son was talking about you last night.

- I don't care what people say, you gangsters have pizazz.

- Shit, man, they owe you money or somethin'?

- I don't know of it's just me, but Troy's been acting nervous.

- How come you always doing everything around here?

- All you do is ruin people's lives.

- Laura sure is making a lot of friends at the PTA, I wonder what her secret is.

- I oughta invest in a bigger flask.

- I wonder where I can meet some Asian chicks.

- If I see that ho come by my place one more time I'm gonna slap the black off of her.

- Fuck no, I ain't shaving my shit, that's just nasty.

- How am I supposed to take care of my kids when the government keeps fucking with me?

- It's not cheating if you call me your wife's name.

- I wish Friendly Fire took food stamps.

- What's Tanya got that I don't?

- If I suck one more dick tonight I'll make the rent.

- Next time she asks, I'm gonna say "yes, you do look fat in that dress".

- Shit, you must've killed half the people in this city.

- Wanna catch dinner and a drug deal?

- Damn you look fine.

- Goddamn, I want some cookies.

- I haven't seen Johnny in a while, I hope he's okay.

- Minimum wage my ass, I can't even afford a lighter.

- I'm getting sick of Troy acting like he's better than everyone.

- I gotta stop getting high and talking to myself on the street.

- Hey, you're the guy that finally put down Victor.

- Don't worry, they say jail isnt too bad here.

- Why's Troy always gotta stick his nose in my business?

- I don't give a fuck what she days, he's my man.

- I'd be all over that ass if she put a bag over her head.

- I've gotta see a doctor, Mister Whiskers just smells awful lately.

- I can't believe my dad gave me shit for dating a black guy.

- Be careful, I used to be important, look at me now.

- How did you kill Victor?

- I was there when they found Lin's body.

- I may be poor, but I ain't ever whoring myself out.

- If it ain't the big man himself.

- You're gonna be running this gang pretty soon.

- How come I never see you hitting the bars?

- Next time you roll over on some motherfuckers take me along.

- Make sure Julius knows what's up over here.

- Ah man, I'm from the suburbs, I don't know how to deal with gangs.

- What's this bullshit about Dex being a lieutenant?

- When I finally move outta here I ain't ever looking back.

- You been telling Julius about all the good shit I do, right?

- Vote Winslow, Hughes kicks puppies!

- Is it true you cut some guys dick off for lookin' at your girl?

- We ain't a bunch of bursters no more thanks to you.

- Aisha's just using Johnny.

- So, are you one of those street racers?

- From all the stories I heard I thought you'd be taller.

- You single?

- Unless you wanna end up in jail you better slow down.

- I'm meeting some friends downtown tonight, wanna come?

- I hear you're a good guy to know.

- You better be careful, Stilwater can be a nasty place.

- If I max out another card I'll never hear the end of it.

- You've become quite the local figure.

- You belong in jail!

- I can't wait to cheat on my online girlfriend, that girl has it coming.

- Julius ain't nothing but a washed up banger past his prime.

- You're as hard as Julius said you were.

- I hope the next dead body I see on the street is you!

- Between Gat and that mute motherfucker, we got nothing to worry about.

- I'm gonna kill my parents for naming me River.

- I wonder if the secretary is wearing tose panties I like.

- I heard Julius talking about promoting you.

[jin-was-here]

Just asking because I'm curious. But why don't you like Becky?

Sorry this took so long but also... why you trying to get me murdered????

Anyway The Man character just erks me I don't know. Actually I do know. It just doesn't come off as cool most of the time, to me, but rather like she's being a tit or straight up forced. Really, I wasn't about it from the start. Because, when she turned on Charlotte, it wasn't like Charlotte was cheating her out of stuff. Looking at it form a purely kayfabe prospective, Charlotte was earning her opportunities. (Yes, I understand there's an augment to be made about her getting so many opportunities in the first place. But my point stands.) And Becky was just bitter and frustrated she couldn't get the job done. Also, the crowd cheering that got on my nerves. Like I understand WHY they did outside of kayfabe, but I wish they would have just gone with the story they were trying to tell instead of making it all weird ya know? (But that's a tough ask, I know, because they wanted to show support for her. Which she deserved. I get that. But still.)

And then during that thing with Seth she interrupted him and basically insulted him, AND PUSHED HIM, when they were supposed to be on the same side??? Like that wasn't cute or endearing. She did that a lot actually. Interrupt people in a bad way. And it. Just. Came off. As assholeish to me. Don't like it.

And now she's beating everyone when other outcomes would tell a better story or make things interesting. Like what was the point of Sasha losing just losing at Hell in a Cell???? After losing everything leading up to it too? It made her a joke.

Or rehashing Asuka vs Becky (a match I loved, by the way. Like I didn't care about that match going into last years rumble ppv but they both went SO. HARD. it ended up being my favorite on the card.) JUST to give her win back. All it did was make Asuka even more of a joke. Even during the lead up too. Like when Becky was fake doubting herself and then just laid Asuka out. Like why????? Like AT LEAST give me the ILLUSION she doesn't automatically have everything in the bag, damn. The outcome is always so obvious and nothing compelling comes from them booking shit like that. Why should I be invested anything then? AND THEY'RE DOING IT AGAIN FOR FILLER. And I'm pissed about it.

And before people lose thier collective goddamn minds, I'm not saying that's her fault. WWE just books the women's division stupid as fuck. They choose one person and say fuck everyone else in the process of building them up ridiculously high. It's BORING. And I hate it.

[punkscowardschampions]

Janis & Jimmy

Janis: Oi Janis: I've got a great idea Jimmy: Go on Janis: If we have to go on these dates and shit to make it credible, it should at least be profitable, yeah? Janis: gotta get something out of it, aside from being left alone, like Jimmy: you offering to pay me, rich girl? Jimmy: tah very much Janis: Ha, no Janis: should've done that upfront, no hidden costs lad Janis: but apparently, if we go in these places, say its one of our birthdays, we can get free shit Jimmy: 🎻🎻🎻 Jimmy: free shit like drinks or free shit like a song? Janis: Free like you ain't gonna have to sing for your supper Janis: depends how convincing you reckon you can be Jimmy: Put upon boyfriend out celebrating his spoilt gf's birthday isn't that much of a stretch for me Jimmy: been there, worn the matching coupley t-shirt Janis: How spoilt can I really be if I'm fine with free cake and shit Janis: but alright, be my birthday first Jimmy: the free cake is a bonus on top of all the #goals shit we've been doing before & will keep doing after that we'll talk loudly about in front of our even more put upon server Jimmy: 💕 Janis: Of course Janis: definitely don't get paid enough and tipping kind of goes against what we're doing here, soz Jimmy: If they do a top job with their bit of the performance could always slip 'em Pete's number and see if he'll let 'em in band Jimmy: be classed as the ultimate gift that Janis: nice that your #solidarity extends beyond caffiene based services Janis: dunno who died and made you his manager Jimmy: gutted that you'd have to kill many a groupie to have your go Jimmy: 💔💔💔💔💔 Jimmy: bitter as the CG's cup of the day you, mate Janis: Bitch please Janis: have you seen me Jimmy: yeah Jimmy: and here you are having ideas that'll mean I see more of you Janis: Erm, definitely YOUR idea Jimmy: all these dates were nowt to do with me Jimmy: I don't bother with my real birthday Janis: Nah, idiot Janis: one date Janis: hit as many places as we can Janis: see who can get the best shit Jimmy: and see who voms first Jimmy: but alright Jimmy: I'm in Janis: That's a thing you do? Janis: thanks for the warning, I suppose but not gonna hold back your hair still Jimmy: did you not get the memo about me being Mia protege? I'll resend it's a decent read Jimmy: we got jackets but I can't fit in mine yet #motivation Janis: 😂 Janis: should know she likes to leave me out as much as she thinks about me Janis: treat 'em mean is her whole #mood, obvs Jimmy: but I love to include you Judy 😍😍😍 Jimmy: must've missed that memo myself Janis: Has she not rushed to correct you and stake claims? Janis: Disappointing Jimmy: not til I reach my goal weight, dear Jimmy: multitasking uses more braincells than she's got functioning Janis: 💔💔💔💔💔 Janis: for you or for her, who knows Jimmy: sharesies 💕 Janis: 🤢 Janis: don't trigger me Jimmy: 😂 Jimmy: When we doing this then? Janis: When can you Janis: I ain't eat yet Jimmy: gimme like an hour Jimmy: two max Janis: 👍 Janis: where you at or we meeting in town Jimmy: Go buy yourself a badge and party hat Jimmy: I'll meet you there Janis: 😑 Janis: really Jimmy: convincing you said Janis: I know but are we convincing them that I'm 6, like Janis: you want the kids menu you can ask Jimmy: if you wanna swap roles, say the word, Jill Jimmy: I look sexy af in a sash Janis: I'll get you one then Janis: help me win Jimmy: 👍 Jimmy: You'll need all the help you can get to beat me Janis: Confident now you've secured a costume Janis: you do you, boy Jimmy: such a #hater you Janis: just a natural-born winner Jimmy: Easy to say Jimmy: We ain't hitting up your daddy's place, rich girl Jimmy: You're gonna have to do something Janis: 🙄 Janis: yeah that was the plan Janis: fake meet the fam is too much Jimmy: 💔🎻💔 Janis: Yeah yeah Jimmy: save your enthusiasm for your fake birthday bash, babe Janis: You could save your tears for when they might get us more freebies too Janis: just so you know Jimmy: I thought you wanted to be the winner Jimmy: make your mind up Janis: I could heroically cheer you up Janis: get with the times Jimmy: am I meant to be crying 'cause you've survived the year 🔪 or 'cause you didn't get any hotter? 👵💕 Janis: Do you wanna survive the meal, darling Janis: that's the real question Jimmy: if the food's better than the company, might do Janis: 🖕 Janis: why I should be crying Janis: just need to be convincingly dating Janis: not old married couple Janis: much to your disappointment, I know Jimmy: yeah I've got the full orchestra playing as we speak Janis: Gonna stick with my workout playlist if it's all the same to you Jimmy: 🤤 Janis: I'm sure Janis: Like you said, those calories don't purge themselves Jimmy: Mhmm, we don't need to fake date so hard you get fat, that's #goals for nobody Janis: You ain't that fake special, babe Janis: 💔 Jimmy: Too soon for a food baby vs fake pregnancy guessing game either so keep at it with the workouts, girl Janis: You're trying to give the wrong twin a complex, boy Janis: works dead good on her though, if you wanna change your mind on how interested you are Jimmy: she free in an hour or two? Janis: ask her Jimmy: hang on then Janis: no need Janis: in the clear if you've changed your mind Jimmy: damn she's washing Mia's hair Jimmy: 💔💔 Jimmy: you'll have to do Janis: not the first time she's let me down Janis: s'alright Jimmy: 👍 Jimmy: How fancy are the restaurants we're hitting? Jimmy: [sends pic of what he's wearing with a 👍 on one hand and a 👎 on the other like yay or nay] Janis: Not Janis: so 👍 Janis: can leave the tux in the cleaners, like Jimmy: another night slumming it, eh?  can leave your 🐎 at home too then, sweetheart Janis: not setting up the world's shittest joke, tah Janis: 🐎🍻 Jimmy: You'd need a sense of humor for that Jimmy: and a better venue 🍽 doesn't have the same #bants Janis: I'll laugh at all your 'jokes' when there's people around to hear Janis: not exclusive to fake relationships that's just standard, burst your bubble Jimmy: 😍💕😍😍💕 Janis: Ugh, you're keen Jimmy: you had me at freebies 💘 Jimmy: just a poor boy pretending to love a girl over here Janis: asking her to pretend love him back Janis: seen the film, got the memo Jimmy: clocking up all the hours you won't get back you Janis: Obviously Janis: hoping god's keeping track Jimmy: you gonna make me say grace over the 🍞🍷 Jimmy: 'cause we established your sister ain't free even for 3 times and a mirror Janis: Maybe Janis: actually have to take this serious then Janis: do your homework, kid Jimmy: bubble bursting's your fave but I'll be the one to tell you he ain't #real if you need 🎅 too Jimmy: 💔💔💔 Janis: Is for rich kids, ain't you heard Janis: #blessed ain't just a # babe Jimmy: you'd know Janis: exactly Jimmy: tah for the inside scoop on what I coulda had, mate Janis: you seem very interested Janis: keep bringing it up so Janis: welcome Jimmy: in your 💰💰💰 yeah, I am Jimmy: gonna ask you to fake marry me asap Janis: soz, don't actually need a beard Jimmy: better not drop the 💍 in your dinner later then Jimmy: 👌 Janis: don't be discouraged Janis: plenty of others left Jimmy: 🙏🙏 Jimmy: lucky me Jimmy: You're right, Jenna, #blessed ain't just a # Janis: I know Janis: keep up Jimmy: 🏃 Janis: could use it Janis: new boy shine won't last forever Jimmy: 🤞 Jimmy: won't need you then Janis: 🤞 Janis: let's hope so or you'll have to think of a way to make this worthwhile Jimmy: so romantic and so threatening 💕 Janis: that's me Jimmy: 😍 Janis: Idiot Jimmy: Save the sweet talk Janis: You're gonna have to do better Jimmy: nowt better than your pillowtalk baby Janis: 😂 Janis: you wish Jimmy: I ain't wishing for owt but 🎂 Jimmy: I've not ate either Janis: you at work Jimmy: nah Jimmy: I opened Janis: bummer Janis: could've started off the freebies unofficial, like Jimmy: full of good ideas you Jimmy: you ain't tasted most of the shit in the cabinet though 💀💀💀 Janis: I ain't scared, boy Jimmy: weren't a challenge Janis: 🤷 Janis: boring Jimmy: piss off Janis: alright Janis: in a bit then Jimmy: 👍 Janis: [during] Janis: socials are popping off Janis: 💪 Jimmy: 🏆 Jimmy: do my victory lap now, like Janis: stop by the bar on your way then Janis: 🥃 is empty Jimmy: [does but let's say he's talked his way into some kind of 🍸freebie so he's 😏] Janis: can't stop winning, like Jimmy: 🥇 or nowt girl Janis: lemme taste it first Janis: usually more sugar than booze Jimmy: I didn't make it, June, I blagged it Janis: letdown Janis: leave it off socials that there's an end to your talents, obvs Jimmy: leave it out Jimmy: I'll make you one in a bit if you're 💔 Janis: cool it tom cruise Janis: it's alright Jimmy: I know you ain't gutted I ain't that short Janis: [is 😏] Janis: true, way too many nice points in ignoring that and getting with you anyway Janis: not trying to be sainted for my new rep Jimmy: yeah yeah 😈 you Jimmy: [a flirty look cos we all know what's up] Janis: [returns it duh even if you're drinking that drink faster now] Janis: got to that point in the date have we Jimmy: [nods to whoever is coming to clear the plates as if he planned that but obvs didn't] Jimmy: might as well milk our last chances before we're onto the next Jimmy: 💕 Janis: [just a look like mhmm] Janis: go on then Janis: I'll go freshen up or whatever it is I'm meant to do and you try get us some doggy bags or something Jimmy: 👌 Jimmy: [leans across the table & said plates which are being cleared to kiss her like they are one of those obliviously loved up couples] Janis: [being that bitch like sorry but not when you get up to go like the poor waitress is meant to be #invested 'cos you also know the type, least they are actually cute but still] Jimmy: [clearly does score something for them cos this place is extra if they giving out 🍸] Janis: I'm coming back 'cos any longer they'll think I'm taking a dump Janis: not very goals Jimmy: 😂 Jimmy: time to move along anyway, my dear Janis: [comes back and has taken her hair down to show she's been doing 'freshening' 'cos I wanna ha] Jimmy: [when she looks really fucking good so he's trying not to stare at her & basically throws the freebies at her cos] Janis: [walking away lads heist of the century] Janis: s'alright, giving me your jacket is probably a bit cliche, like Jimmy: my jacket ain't got nowt you can eat in the pockets Jimmy: [waves a 🚬 at her tho cos is in there & asking if she wants] Janis: [does] Janis: you a feeder or just trying to 💀 me now Jimmy: You'll have to pay to unlock my kinks Jimmy: [lights her up though cos never can stop himself] Janis: [does a little amused lol] Janis: just saying, solid out with Mia and co Jimmy: Tah, I'll run with it Jimmy: had to break up with you 'cause you're too 💪 and won't over-eat for me Jimmy: 💔💔🎻🎻💔 Janis: and you're short and have a complex Janis: cool Jimmy: and you fancy Cruise and wish I was Jimmy: soz babe Jimmy: should've twigged when your idea of netflix and chill was so him heavy Janis: Not only are you tryna make me fat, it's you who's stopping me wearing heels Janis: out of order, tbh babe Jimmy: nobody's believing you wanna wear heels Jimmy: platform trainers maybe Janis: that's the whole point of this init Janis: new year new me 💁💯 Jimmy: [does a 🙄] Janis: See Janis: total Napolean, you Jimmy: You wish Jimmy: so thirsty for midgets you Janis: makes fake dating you easier, yeah Jimmy: [playfully shoves her as he pulls her into the next place] Janis: [maybe there's a bit of a queue so they have to stand there and wait and be gross and couply in the doorway for all to see, just leaning on him casually] Jimmy: [yeah cos then he can play with her hair when he's kissing her etc which you know is a mood since she took it down] Janis: [should defs be the place that ain't having it after waiting] Jimmy: [agreed but they ain't that mad secretly cos this wait is fun 😏] Janis: ok this waitress is immune to charm Janis: we're bailing before the bill Jimmy: yours Jimmy: if I'd have done it you'd be tucking into a sundae with a sparkler by now Janis: your delusions ain't making me feel better Jimmy: your whinging ain't doing owt for me, funnily enough Jimmy: let's do one Janis: I'm ordering the most expensive dessert on this menu first Jimmy: it'll take ages to show up Jimmy: their customer service is for shit Janis: wanna go complain to their manager, babe Janis: let it hit the table first, I'm not eating food that's been gobbed in for you Jimmy: not one of your kinks? I'll only spit in your mouth if you really annoy me then Janis: yeah try it Janis: dickhead Jimmy: I'll be outside Jimmy: find me when you're done Janis: really Jimmy: there's no need to be #goals in here Jimmy: [leaves the table without a word like a rude hoe but we know you're gonna be back cos will be ages lol] Janis: are you trying to dash and leave me with the bill Jimmy: would that be the bill you said you're bailing on? Janis: yeah but are you bailing on me first Janis: that's such bad manners Jimmy: 🎻🎻🎻 Jimmy: I've gone outside not home Janis: just 'cos you know I can run faster than you Janis: if you need a headstart, just say Jimmy: 'cause I'm still hungry, nowt to do with you, girl Janis: then come in and order something Janis: we ain't paying, remember Janis: go big Jimmy: I can't read, remember Jimmy: too northern Jimmy: order for me Janis: you sure? Janis: no need to be goals in here and pretend I know your taste so well Jimmy: not up for this specific challenge? Jimmy: losing it, mate Jimmy: 💔💔💔 Janis: Shut up Janis: I'll do it Jimmy: 😘 Janis: also you owe me 🚬 Jimmy: Come here then Janis: I'm patiently waiting for your food Jimmy: You've got time Jimmy: [waves at her from outside like come on] Janis: [shrugs like alright 'cos why not, feeling like a fool sat there anyway] Jimmy: [watching her come to him lowkey like 😏] Janis: ['it'll fall out' in ref to the 🚬 in his mouth] Jimmy: [lights her cos will until the day they both quit just facts] Janis: [nods like cheers] Jimmy: [keeping an eye out for the food they not gonna pay for 'cause looking at her would mean a LOOK and he's already done one earlier] Janis: ['Hope you're as hungry as you say you are'] Jimmy: [on his phone now like a rude hoe like we know he's checking on the kids but Janis don't 'Starved' cos lbr probably is thanks Ian you slack bitch] Janis: [when you're mad but you aren't gonna say you're mad lmao] Jimmy: [🚬 & texting looking like the rudest bitch ever when really you're promising Cass & Bobby cake cos they deserve that] Janis: ['Popular?' bit rude to say it like a question but you know he ain't] Jimmy: ['You said it, our posts are. I've got new boy and birthday boy shine combined, tah for that'] Janis: ['Frees you for your actual' shrugs 'who doesn't like free shit, come on'] Jimmy: [still glued to his phone 'Could be anywhere by then but if Mia and Co are still stalking, I'll keep the lie going, highkey for highkey'] Janis: [shrugs, 'they are pretty committed' and puts her 🚬 out on the wall as she goes back in] Jimmy: [follows her in after ignoring her cos I love a mixed signal] Janis: [food should still not be there for awks] Jimmy: [100%] Jimmy: [doodling cos art hoe forever, this time on the condensation on his glass with a finger] Janis: [pours salt on the table and draws noughts and crosses grid 'cos this place sucks so can be as messy as you wanna] Jimmy: [smiles when he notices cos that nerd & takes his go as ✖] Janis: [tie #1] Janis: [Janis win] Janis: [Jimmy win Janis: [Food finally arriving and my vibe was out of his comfort zone but something swag 'cos knows food] Jimmy: [gives a look like wtf & is ready to hate it obvs & be moody but tastes it & its clearly good so unlucky] Janis: [😏] Jimmy: [flicks a spoonful at her cos not tryna start a full fight cos wants to eat it but 😒] Janis: [#outraged and gets some cream from her sundae and puts it on his nose] Jimmy: [when you scrape it off and then lick your finger in a saucy manner] Janis: [When you look bemused like 'thought we weren't putting on a show?'] Jimmy: [gives her a look like 'practice makes perfect' and then gets them to recreate it for the 'gram] Janis: ['Alright, highkey for highkey' at least you get to be 'fake' into it for the 'gram] Jimmy: [when you're so into it 'for the story' hahahaha] Janis: have you done this before? Jimmy: eaten whatever the fuck this is? Not up north, Jasmine Janis: 🙄 Janis: dined and dashed, genius Jimmy: haven't you? Janis: I asked you, boy Janis: but no Janis: who wants to be that rich girl cliche Jimmy: it's a poor lad necessity Jimmy: beg, borrow or steal your pastry based 5 a day Janis: You can take the lead then and we don't have to call it a head start or nothing Jimmy: we can call it handholding you through rich girl, 'cause that's what it is Janis: Leave now if you wanna be patronizing Janis: it ain't hard Jimmy: Go freshen up and use your athletic skills to leave out the window Jimmy: won't be hard for you Janis: Say bye now then Janis: ✌ Jimmy: 👍 Janis: [run bitch run] Jimmy: [likewise do your thing boyyy] Jimmy: piss easy when you know how Janis: alright Janis: it was fun but only 'cos they deserved it Janis: where'd you end up? Jimmy: so moral you 🙏😇🙏 Jimmy: [location which is right by the next place they should hit but he's always lost lol] ?? Janis: you already knew me and the big man were tight Janis: right, go in the pub like a few buildings down Janis: be there soon Jimmy: Alright Jimmy: missing you already 💕😍😘 Janis: 😂 Janis: drown your sorrows, babe Jimmy: 🍻 sláinte Janis: Look at you Janis: practically native Jimmy: 💪🏆 Janis: depressive drinking is what unites us all, tbh Jimmy: 😂 Janis: [showing up, let us assume she ran in the opposite direction] Jimmy: [when yet again you have to stop yourself looking at the cute bae but at least you got the drinks in so you can shove that at her] Janis: [IRL sláinte] Jimmy: [clink them glasses kids] Janis: [a snap/story moment if ever there was] Jimmy: [just cos she wants to make him say 🍀 with his accent lol] Janis: [still loling tbh] Jimmy: [when you then notice some food in her hair from when you flicked it at her so you get it out and there's a shameless moment] Janis: ['can't take you anywhere, like'] Jimmy: ['can fake it everywhere, though'] Janis: ['wow, pop that on your tinder'] Jimmy: [gives her an IRL 👍] Janis: [literal shaking of head, hopefully you dislodge any other food lol] Jimmy: [not into your drink tho that'd be grim] Janis: ['d'ya move 'round lots then?'] Jimmy: [his turn to shake his head 'I was born in the house we lived in before my dad dragged us here'] Janis: ['what makes you so sure you'll be off again then?' a gloriously blunt bitch lmao] Jimmy: ['got to that bit of the date now, have we?' cos word thief & gives her the same look she gave him too but a bit more 😒 cos its him] Janis: ['You'd prefer we were back playing footsie, like?'] Jimmy: [lols cos lbr yeah he would] Janis: [get a round in b] Jimmy: [they should get free shots which they then 'gram/snap for the brag] Janis: ['You're keeping up alright, lad'] Jimmy: ['You said it yourself, it ain't just you Paddys that handle their drink'] Janis: ['Not coming for your pride, but you can spare the sob story, like; 'less you wanna make it an actual story'] Jimmy: ['So chatty you. Unlocked a Juliet kink without even trying there, like' taking shots like its his job] Janis: [Punches him in the arm but gentle-ish please] Jimmy: [is all like 'oi!' so offended & playful shove & messes her hair up cos can't hit her can you lad] Janis: ['knew it'd all end in tears' and fake wipes his eyes to show his, obvs] Jimmy: [when its a playfight but also a moment cos we see how flirty af this is getting guys] Janis: [gonna have to get another punter/bartender to say something so y'all stop 'cos] Jimmy: 💀💀💀 Janis: I know Janis: I KO'd you Jimmy: Piss off Jimmy: You made a holy show of yourself girl, what would Jesus say? 😱😱 Janis: He likes 'em feisty Jimmy: code for down with a toe in the mouth that Janis: [lols] Janis: That's blasphemy Jimmy: let him KO me then Jimmy: you missed your chance, mate Janis: If you're asking to get hit by lightning, wait 'til I'm gone Janis: not going down with you, mate Jimmy: So fake Juliet 💔💔💔 Jimmy: am gonna cry now, like Janis: Poor boy Janis: you didn't get the memo Jimmy: You know I can't read Jimmy: 😭😭😭😭 Janis: I'll get you an audible account as a parting gift Jimmy: tah Jimmy: that really softens the blow of you going Janis: mhmm Janis: listen to all the great love stories you like Jimmy: [is literally graffiting their initials in a love heart somewhere rn excuse him] Jimmy: You're the great romantic, load up my queue so I know it's real 💕 Janis: [just 😏] Janis: sure Mia comes here all the time, like Janis: can see it now Jimmy: I get that vibe from her Janis: packet of pork scratchings and she's yours Janis: deffo Jimmy: 🤤 Janis: [ripping up a beer-mat] Janis: she don't do boyfriends, you know Janis: you should just bang her, keep the others away Jimmy: [does vomming sounds dramatically] Jimmy: she'd be into that but I don't wanna know her kinks either Janis: [shrugs but is shamelessly pleased] Jimmy: [throws some of the beer mat pieces up like confetti] Janis: Subtle Jimmy: [is 😏] Janis: Maybe you can change her, boy Janis: [making casual mosaic with some pieces] Jimmy: I owed you a 🚬 not a life changing favour Jimmy: [takes a pic of it cos art hoe] Janis: would it kill you Janis: come on Janis: wife her Jimmy: might do Janis: I'm willing to take that risk Jimmy: if I wanted to get married underage I'd have stayed with my ex Jimmy: claimed her kid Janis: [does 😬 face] Jimmy: [drinking away the mems] Janis: [awkward drinking] Janis: reckon that's worth more free drinks, I'll go see Jimmy: 👍 Janis: [does and succeeds, this place is obvs about them] Jimmy: [more drinking] Janis: did you think it was yours for a bit Jimmy: [gives her a look like oh okay are we still on this] Janis: [puts hands up like sorry and is genuinely] Jimmy: [shakes his head though cos no he didn't it was obvs that friend of her dad's #goals ] Janis: [nods but doesn't comment 'cos you know lesson learnt] Jimmy: [does another cheers glasses clink cos thanks for dropping it] Janis: 🍻 Jimmy: 💕 Janis: [just on ya phone, reading the comments] Janis: think we're splitting couples up left and right with our #goals Jimmy: 🎻🎻🎻 Jimmy: [shows her a Mia 'birthday' message in his dms with the most disgusted facial expression anyone has ever worn] Janis: 🤢 Janis: Disappointing Janis: I thought her chat would be better Jimmy: Why? Janis: 'cos she's rode bare lads Janis: gotta be some reason Jimmy: she don't do boyfriends, there's one Janis: Shoulda opened with that Jimmy: Common knowledge, there's no need Jimmy: 🍆🐍 Janis: how dare you 🐍 shame her Jimmy: [little lol] Jimmy: You wanna reply to her? Jimmy: [throws his phone to her like] Janis: [raises eyebrow like 'risky' but challenge accepted duh] Jimmy: [drinks while she works her magic on that] Janis: [when you make it obvious it's you 'cos omg phone trust lol] Jimmy: [when you put your head on her shoulder so you can read it even though you could just wait until she's done, we see you boy] Janis: [takes selfie to send too] Jimmy: [suck it Mia] Janis: [looking so couply without even trying lmao] Jimmy: [when his phone rings and they lowkey shit themselves cos love to ruin a moment but its Ian so he ain't answering it begone bitch] Janis: [when you know all about ignoring 'rents so standard] Jimmy: [ooh let's say there's a table football table like in sims so they can play] Janis: [when you forget and are just having a good time now] Jimmy: [#mood] Janis: [let the boy win] Jimmy: 💪🏆 Janis: 😒 Janis: fluke Jimmy: play me again and I'll beat you again, babe 🥇 Janis: [sticks tongue out 'cos mature] Jimmy: [her tongue is whatever lurid colour the shots were so 📷 cos nerd] Janis: Insult to injury Jimmy: nah look it's #art Janis: [🙄] Jimmy: [sends it to her but has done some artsy shit to it] Jimmy: 🎨🎨🎨🎨 Janis: Look less cringe than the cake social, I suppose Jimmy: so complimentary you Janis: you really got that temperament, yeah? Janis: no one's doubting you maestro Jimmy: answered your own question there, girl Janis: get you a beret too Janis: when I go Janis: sorted Jimmy: 👍 Jimmy: [goes to get more drinks even if he has to pay for them, you gonna be wasted lads ayyyy] Janis: [when grace is probably hitting you up for deets, everyone getting ignored lowkey] Janis: get shots whilst you're up there Jimmy: [does and they a different colour for the fun] Jimmy: 💔 we'd get booted out for body shots, the fans would've loved it Janis: can call it a hate crime Janis: 🌈 Janis: you're just being a good ally Jimmy: 😂 Jimmy: with that foolproof excuse, we've got none not to do it then Janis: [a look] Jimmy: [returned obvs as he's taking off his doughnut sweatshirt which isn't thank you cos not a fashion mood] Janis: [a moment] Jimmy: [downing the rest cos you know when you take your tshirt off and do this you're gonna get thrown out and not cos you need dutch courage for this moment nope] Janis: [another pub you can't go back to lads] Jimmy: [setting his phone up cos its only for the 'gram/snap guys duh] Janis: [obvs, deffo need to go this hard] Jimmy: [like on the one hand yes cos fuck you Mia but also you really don't] Jimmy: [doing the thing when you maintain eye contact the whole time you take your top off & get in position somehow I'd fall over & die so call me offended boy] Janis: [Just trying not to look like you're looking and getting down to business] Jimmy: [at least he can pretend how shamelessly into it he is is only for the recording but bitch we know you ain't acting that well] Janis: [no taking your top off for insta or for this pub so just give him that collarbone sharpish like Jimmy: [when that's hotter though so bye] Janis: [you're welcome everyone but also buhbye] Jimmy: [when you gotta run again but this time together awwh] Janis: [such a mood, end up in a park, blatantly] Jimmy: [yaaaaaaas drunk and alone in a park is our fave] Janis: [just laying on the grass, it's April, it's fine] Jimmy: [we all know he should go home but he's right there next to her instead] Janis: [actually looking at him, what is she thinking, who knows] Jimmy: [looking back cos of course he is] Janis: [makes a face to break the tension] Jimmy: [throws some grass at her cos always throwing things at her] Janis: [grass fight like you ain't alone who's gonna stop first idiots] Jimmy: [we can have his phone stop them cos let's say a text from Cass so he wouldn't ignore it & also that looks really sketchy like imma just stop flirting immediate to look at my phone] Janis: [silently fuming and gets up to go on the swing or something] Jimmy: [stays put texting & 🚬] Janis: [when you should just leave but you ain't] Jimmy: [when you go over and put your jacket over her shoulders but bitch it ain't cold you just needed an excuse to be there] Janis: want me to snap it or what Jimmy: [when you just blink & shrug cos you weren't even thinking about or like that] Janis: [when you gesture that you wanna twos on the 🚬] Jimmy: [sitting on the swing next to hers so you can pass it back & forth & you do] Janis: [just swinging as one does] Jimmy: [oh so casual just sneaking looks at her like] Janis: ['What?'] Jimmy: ['What?'] Janis: [😑 and swinging higher like fine] Jimmy: [this boy ain't even swinging he's obvs too 😎] Janis: [jumping off and wobbling 'cos if you weren't dizzy before] Jimmy: [if you don't hold her up boy who tf are you] Janis: [swatting him away like oi] Jimmy: [stepping away soooooooo dramatically] Janis: [when you're like 'Imma go for a run' like no] Jimmy: [a look like wtf] Jimmy: ['calm it down, pisshead' tryna steer her back to the swing to sit like shh] Janis: ['why?'] Jimmy: [Raising both eyebrows at her & sitting her down like ummm 'Why can't you go running late at night after shit loads of shots?'] Janis: [looks at him like um yes] Jimmy: [shakes his head but in an amused way this time] Jimmy: 💀💀💀 Jimmy: there's your answer Janis: ['I can handle myself, boy, you go home if you're scared'] Jimmy: [when you're just standing there holding the chains of her swing so it stays still 'If I wanted to go home I'd be there'] Janis: [trying to swing 'cos can't be tamed, 'where do you wanna go then?'] Jimmy: [when you're standing even closer like if you wanna swing you're gonna have to kick me bitch but you're trying not to smile now cos she cute & stubborn 'where are you going?'] Janis: [when you jokingly aim for the crotch but obvs don't #justgirlythings 'very goals; but rude as you're holding me park hostage'] Jimmy: [extending a hand like on you go don't let me stop you babe but v amused] Janis: [gets up with purpose but just standing even closer to him like challenging like now what boy] Jimmy: [when you pick up your jacket up off the floor cos it weren't on her properly so wouldn't have necessarily stayed when she jumped off before & put it back round her shoulders but your hands stay there just lingering cos] Janis: ['do me up then' just moving his hands to the buttons/zip or whatever like you can't do it yourself/you need to] Jimmy: [casually dressing the bae nbd such a moment] Janis: [does another jump to show it's staying on now] Jimmy: [lifts her hair out cos you just wanna touch it always bye but then you calm the fuck down & do an 👌 IRL cos all set] Janis: [does it back with a lol like okay dork] Jimmy: [tells her to piss off but is smiling] Janis: ['no'] Jimmy: [when you have to go back to the swing and sit because you can't address that no and what it might mean] Janis: ['want me to push you?' and is coming over like obvs you do lol] Jimmy: ['do you wanna?' cos always a question] Janis: [just starts in response] Jimmy: [don't go too hard tho him vomming ain't a mood lol] Janis: [when you just lol like what the fuck are we doing rn and stop, going to lie down again] Jimmy: [when you say you should go but lie with her instead cos obvs] Janis: [turn on your side and look at him 'go on then'] Jimmy: [getting comfy on the ground really close to her like you never said it] Janis: [puts head on his shoulder 'cos throwback to earlier] Jimmy: [when you do a happy sigh but you don't realize you even did] Janis: ['I might just stay out, like, not that bad when it's not freezing or pissing it down' 'cos a bitch never wants to be home] Jimmy: [getting even closer to her cos same tbh 'here?' cos he ain't know places] Janis: [looks around 'cos she's really pondering like a nerd 'it's a pretty good spot, you don't wanna be in the centre of town but you don't wanna be in the middle of nowhere either so, yeah, here would work'] Jimmy: ['Alright' cos lbr anywhere's better than home] Janis: [nods like that's that then] Jimmy: [the awkward moment when you promised your siblings cake & now you ain't coming back rude bitch but he's drunk he aint thinking] Janis: ['You gonna get cold, though?' when you're unbuttoning the jacket like it's big enough to wrap around you both] Jimmy: [buttoning it back up on her like its a speed game lol cos priorities gotta look after the bae, goes without saying that you're northern we don't need to say it boy] Janis: ['Don't let anyone see how badly you want me to keep my clothes on, boy'] Jimmy: [such a genuine lol 'I want you to keep MY clothes on, girl, that's goals'] Janis: [is like valid and snuggles into the jacket/his side more] Jimmy: [when you do the thing where you rub up and down her arms like she's so cold but it's just so you can keep them there after and basically hug because you're a soft boy] Janis: [just allowing it even though you're so #confused like what are we] Jimmy: [king of the mixed message] Janis: ['Jimmy?] Jimmy: ['What?' but in a soft way not like ???!! aggressively] Janis: ['Are we mates now?'] Jimmy: ['do you wanna be mates?'] Janis: ['Come on, answer my question' and punches his arm like before but more gentle] Jimmy: [is giving her a LOOK 'answer my question'] Janis: [quiet af 'why do I have to be the one?'] Jimmy: ['Why are you asking?'] Janis: ['cos I wanna know' gives him a look like duh, that's how questions usually work but it's playful not rude] Jimmy: [Gives her a look like well there's your answer of why you should answer me] Janis: [makes ugh noise 'cos awkward egg but drunk enough to do it so now or never 'well, yeah, you're alright, you know'] Jimmy: [is 😏 smug bitch 'you're less of a dickhead when you drink an' all'] Janis: ['fuck off, dickhead' pushes away] Jimmy: ['no' cos his turn for that] Janis: ['why d'ya think I didn't wanna go first'] Jimmy: [gives her a look as if to say if you wanna be mates you're gonna need thicker skin] Janis: [🙄 like oh please] Jimmy: [returning that eye roll] Janis: ['how dare you' rolling away like okay girl lmao] Jimmy: [gets up like he's gonna go but we know he ain't even] Janis: ['I want more drink' opening her phone like what's nearby lads] Jimmy: [we know he's gonna follow her anywhere] Janis: [just looking at him from where he is] Jimmy: [when he walks back over to 'help her up' which is the most thinly veiled excuse yet boy she don't need you like that she's stronger than you] Janis: [allows it again 'cos you wanna be near him rn even though that cleared up so little lol] Jimmy: [when you haven't let go of her hand after & are just messing around with her fingers but being gentle af like stop being so blatant but also don't ever] Janis: [thumb war obvs] Jimmy: [she should so win we all know he's distracted] Janis: [get to be the 😏 one now] Jimmy: ['where to then?' cos shamelessly change the subject/distract her from the win] Janis: ['Depends, are you gonna get us kicked out again?' and a LOOK 'Maybe I could just get someone to go in and buy us a bottle'] Jimmy: ['Have you checked the view count?' cos obvs that's the only reason he'd do something we see you boy ugh. 'Maybe I could steal us one' with a look cos always up for the challenge we know] Janis: [shakes head 'walk and talk, boy then walk the talk after you've shown me' when you wanna see 'cos shamelessly a mood and a moment we all know] Jimmy: [we strutting] Janis: [when both their phones must be blowing up constant rn] Jimmy: [you know he drunk cos he's totally ignoring his] Janis: ['you really gonna stay out or what?'] Jimmy: ['are you?'] Janis: ['course, I've done worse'] Jimmy: ['Yeah? What've you done, rich girl?' when you're not even taking the piss you just wanna know and also flirt] Janis: [nudges him whilst they walk 'You don't even wanna know'] Jimmy: ['I just asked' nudges her back 'you don't want me to know'] Janis: ['Oh, now he knows how questions work' but smiles not being confrontational with it, then shakes her head 'nah, the more salacious gossip you can spread about me post fake breakup the better, make me sound mega slaggy, standard'] Jimmy: ['Oh the old northern lad is well thick gag' reaches out like he's gonna shake her hand well done but likewise isn't being a dick for once, shakes his head too because hasn't thought about this being over yet but already don't wanna thank you] Janis: [lols genuinely and shakes his hand like the nerds they are, all the lingering always] Jimmy: ['You're alright too, you know'] Janis: ['Thanks' when you say it in the best nbd way you can but you mean it] Jimmy: [adjusting your jacket on her cos TOUCH boy I can't with you stop] Janis: ['you gonna let me keep it?' 'cos if you don't joke rn like what will happen] Jimmy: ['Need a new jacket, do you?'] Janis: ['If I did, I'd steal one, or get daddy's credit card out, wouldn't I' taps his head like remember 'it's #goals ain't it'] Jimmy: ['There's your answer then, ain't it?'] Janis: ['Yeah, but we can just fake it, obviously'] Jimmy: [a v helpful shrug] Janis: ['let's try and buy it first, I don't need garda after me, or me getting in shit with your da, like'] Jimmy: ['my dad ain't bought or bothered about my clothes since I started school, reckon you'll be alright, mate'] Janis: ['I mean the drink, you donut, where am I getting fashion at this time of night? Keep up'] Jimmy: [does a little 'run' to 'keep up' cos he's a nerd throwback to the runner emoji when she said it before but looks back at her seriously cos challenge accepted and he can do it & gonna prove that asap] Janis: [is just loling at the whole charade, what are y'all doing] Jimmy: [when he's like omg you're soooo slow as an excuse to drag her along by the damn hand MORE TOUCH we see you] Janis: 'Boy, you said I couldn't run, make up your mind, like' tutting and smh dramatically] Jimmy: ['I didn't reckon on you only having the two speeds, did I, dickhead?'] Janis: ['You just don't wanna lose, which you would'] Jimmy: ['I don't wanna be vommed on which I would 'cause you would'] Janis: ['Psh, baby; I'm no amateur, alright'] Jimmy: ['you got dizzy off a swing, alright. Leave it out, pisshead'] Janis: [😒 'you are rude'] Jimmy: [does the facial expression equivalent of the sarcastic 💔] Janis: [is now being really slow to be annoying] Jimmy: [knows & fireman lifts her over his shoulder because problem solved] Janis: ['I get it, you 'DON'T' wanna be vommed on, kink unlocked. Also drop me and die.'] Jimmy: ['throw up down my back and I'm dumping you, Joanna'] Janis: ['stop talking about puke or I might'] Jimmy: [when you just walking and carrying the bae you gonna feel this tomorrow boy you're not strong] Janis: [what a sight like hey world lmao] Jimmy: [at least she's not a dress wearing bitch that'd be worse] Janis: [didn't have to go that hard for these establishments lol] Jimmy: [put her down boy ffs but we know he won't unless she actually did feel sick] Janis: [tapping his back when they get near a shop like okay act sober and mature now lol] Jimmy: [thank god we're not letting that doughnut top be a thing haha] Janis: [a lewk] Jimmy: [we all know he's stealing shit to impress the bae #facts] Janis: [just loitering outside, looking so nonchalant] Jimmy: [god bless] Janis: 🍀 Jimmy: 💪🏆 Janis: 🍾? Jimmy: you don't wanna put much of an order in then Jimmy: 👑🐎💰 Janis: I don't think they sell ponies in there Janis: maybe in a readymeal but I'm alright, tah Jimmy: 😂 Janis: 😏 Janis: I'm hilarious, I know Jimmy: 👌 Jimmy: gonna have to stop laughing at you or you won't fit in frame to #pose with me Jimmy: brought this on yourself, bighead Janis: Are you calling me FAT?!?!! Janis: 😱😭💔 Jimmy: Am I registered blind? Janis: Don't make me say that'd explain your fashion sense Janis: trying so hard not to be funny here Jimmy: 🙄 Janis: 😘 Jimmy: I get it, you miss me Jimmy: Hang on Janis: Yeah, let's go with that Janis: not that I want the bottle or nothing Jimmy: And your plan is to fight me for it, yeah? Jimmy: alright Jimmy: playing nice is fake even for us Janis: Can't decide if kink unlocked or you're just that stupid Janis: 🤔 Jimmy: if yours is insulting lads you're deffo not that into me Jimmy: 💔💔💔 Janis: fake dating is a fate worse than the friendzone, mate Jimmy: not how you do it baby 💕 Jimmy: [comes out cos how long do you need to be in there like, bought 🚬s so its less suss and throws the pack at her cos always throwing shit at the bae] Janis: [good thing she's sporty so she can catch lmao, taking one out immediately 'cos standard, 'where to?'] Jimmy: [takes the mystery bottle out, opens it & takes a swig, giving her a look like you tell me cos don't know where to go & always gets lost lol] Janis: [🙄 but nice so 😏 too, pondering 'we really committing to drinking in the park as well as sleeping there, like' shakes her head like what is life] Jimmy: [swaps the bottle for her 🚬 cos sharing is caring bitch, you could've just got your own but alright be gay] Janis: [walking and dranking and smoking 'cos living your best life obvs] Jimmy: [#goals] Janis: [doing that thing where you keep shoulder bumping each other as you walk Jimmy: [always gotta be touching we see you both] Janis: [back at the park, get under that slide/climbing frame moment 'cos shelter/privacy] Jimmy: [doodling another JJ heart under there like he did earlier but like nobody's seeing it you blatant nerd] Janis: [love that for you, 'they let you do foam art at CG?'] Jimmy: [shows her pics on the CG insta of the hipster bullshit they do, like if we wanna call that art] Janis: [nods like fairplay] Jimmy: [don't worry boy you can live your best art hoe life at the next place but for now he gives her the sharpie so she can write/draw something if she want] Janis: ['no pressure' 😏 but pondering 5eva with the pen in your mouth like a cute ass hoe] Jimmy: [sneaky 😍 cos she's so cute bye] Janis: [draws the hearteyes emoji then does some graf slagging of Mia and co for the lols] Jimmy: [then he draws a skeleton with daggers coming from the eyes cos dats Mia's reaction to the heart eyes] Janis: [lols and draws a herd of sad cows behind her for the squad] Jimmy: [adds like you know when its a ufo and the beam stereotypically but it's a coffee cup with coffee spilling out if you get me] Janis: [draws him in the ufo/coffee cup window like hey] Jimmy: [lols cos the little him & adds her running away with a smoothie in hand but obvs blowing him a kiss as she goes with the other cos] Jimmy: [when you're just passing the pen & bottle between you how coupley af] Janis: [tries to look unamused but fails, draws an OTT sexy Pete with his arms open waiting for her] Jimmy: [tries not to look jealous af but is 😒 cos drunk & no way to control it but draws the band mates in a van HONKING at Pete like get in loser we're famous & changes the open arms to waving bye with dem movement lines haha] Janis: [draws broken heart emoji over her chest and puts devil horns on him and an evil laugh bubble] Jimmy: [draws a little orchestra like the instruments with legs chasing her and one of them has an umbrella open cos there's a sad raincloud over her head now] Janis: [draws her hair even crazier 'cos rain and puts some headphones on 'cos can't hear you beech and does like dust clouds behind her 'cos can't catch me either] Jimmy: [draws a horse shitting money just behind her following cos always taking the piss that she has one] Janis: [draws one of the cows tryna hand him loads of money 'cos grace soz gurl] Jimmy: [puts a ✖ through Grace how rude] Janis: [puts a question mark next to the extra tall one like hmm] Jimmy: [turns it into a little 🐍] Janis: [turns one of the other cows into a skeleton cow with heart eyes like pls] Jimmy: [draws the gun thing they use to kill cows in an abattoir coming for the Mia cow] Janis: [draws a burger that looks so mad to be a burger about to be nommed by a really fat person] Jimmy: [draws a pie next to it waiting to be eaten cos #northern bants] Janis: [draws angel of the north on top but makes her look more like that northern lass stereotype] Jimmy: [draws his dad flirting with the angel but has to draw a dad name tag cos she don't know Ian yet] Janis: [draws christ the redeemer and her having a moment] Jimmy: [lols and another ✖ haha] Janis: [draws zombie jesus coming for him] Jimmy: [Twix has stolen zombie jesus' foot in his addition] Janis: [lols but can't think of anything else so puts a little crown with a poo emoji on him] Jimmy: [draws another cloud but instead of rain it's smoke cos lighting up a new 🚬 IRL] Janis: [writes whatever warning label is on the pack in the cloud] Jimmy: [draws a 🚬 crying cos the haters] Janis: draws them group hugging it and is also like pass me that tah IRL] Jimmy: [draws the 💕 cos true love & obvs does pass her the 🚬 #alsotrueloveamIright] Janis: [when you're just spinning the sharpie now, smoking, thinking] Jimmy: [when you're drinking & looking at her and trying to think about spin the bottle comparisons lol] Janis: [when you go to pass it back so you look at him too like oh hey eye contact] Jimmy: [having a shameless moment cos add to that touching her way more than you need to when you take it] Janis: [taking the bottle when you do for something to do] Jimmy: [casually asking her why she's not in his art class like the nerd he is] Janis: ['don't take the piss!' 'cos when people in your fam can art really well, you wouldn't reckon you were any good even if you're pretty solid] Jimmy: ['I weren't' cos genuinely isn't 'be a laugh if you were there, that's all'] Janis: [shrugs 'bet it already is, like, you must be one of the few lads that does it?'] Jimmy: [shrugs back cos we all know the kind of peeps that take art, not a mood for him] Janis: [let's say they're sitting opposite and taps him with her foot like come on] Jimmy: ['what?' but again not said in a mardy way] Janis: ['I dunno' 'cos truly] Jimmy: [playfully taps her back with his foot] Janis: [footsie moment] Jimmy: [a LOOK because we all know what's up] Janis: [hits hit back with a what but with feeling] Jimmy: [when you're just looking at her lips shamelessly like] Janis: [crawls forward so she's up in his face like 'WHAT'] Jimmy: [pushing her hair out of her face so you can REALLY get that good eye contact cos two fave things] Janis: [just a staring contest rn] Jimmy: [he's gotta kiss her cos there's no way that's not a thing don't smack her head off the slide or anything please] Janis: [so that's happening bye] Jimmy: [when you've wanted to do that this whole night so it's just intense af] Janis: [you're gonna have to stop this at some point girl but not yet 'cos as into it] Jimmy: [enjoy your make out session kids] Janis: [when you have to stop 'cos your phone will not stop blowing up now it's late late] Jimmy: [awks cos boy how are you gonna just go back to chilling like you're not still breathing heavily and feeling all that] Janis: [angrily telling your dad to go away lmao] Jimmy: [soz caleb but when that reminds you that you have siblings that need you, welcome to his guilty mind] Janis: [when the moment has been murdered so you get out of your love nest to pace and light a new 🚬] Jimmy: [when you have to go but you don't wanna just leave her here alone so you sit on the slide & chug so much of the booze that you lowkey feel sick] Janis: [when you give him a look like wtf but you don't say anything 'cos mewd tbh] Jimmy: [when you also don't 100% know the way home either awks] Janis: ['you can go, like'] Jimmy: [when you start walking in the wrong direction cos always lost] Janis: [shouting 'd'ya want a cab or?'] Jimmy: [waves her off like nah 'leave it out, rich girl' also loud] Janis: [when you don't wanna leave it but also what do you say 'cept 'don't die'] Jimmy: ['you ain't getting rid that easy, Juliet'] Janis: [laughs] Janis: text me when you get home safe babe xoxo Jimmy: 🤞 Janis: if you're getting murdered, probably go 999 straight away Jimmy: nah, I'll give 'em your number Jimmy: I know you don't wanna live without the love of your life 😘 Janis: or I just want the nutter caught 'fore he makes his way down here, like Janis: either or 😘 Jimmy: 🥔🍅 Janis: 😂 Janis: how did you find them in this state Jimmy: what state are you on about? 🤐 Janis: alright Janis: just weak at the knees for me then Janis: wobbling off Jimmy: Yeah 💕 Janis: funny Jimmy: Are you still there? Janis: yeah Jimmy: alright Jimmy: where the fuck am I? Janis: Oh great Janis: well where are you trying to be, first off Jimmy: where do you think? Janis: obviously but I don't know where you live, idiot Jimmy: what kind of fake girlfriend Janis: shut up and send me your location Jimmy: [does] Janis: k, do you know your address even a little or Jimmy: Am I 5? Jimmy: lived here for a month, you know Janis: alright, don't get defensive Jimmy: don't be a dickhead Janis: well send it to me then or am I meant to guess Jimmy: you're enough of a know-it-all I'm surprised you already aren't taking guesses Janis: stay lost then dickhead Jimmy: 👍 Janis: see you when you circle on yourself, like Jimmy: looking forward to it 😍😍😍 Janis: 😏 Janis: such an idiot Jimmy: such a flirt you Jimmy: trying to find my way home if you don't mind Janis: like you said, if I was flirting with you I'd call you much worse Janis: and like I said, give me your address and I can direct you so Jimmy: come with me Jimmy: not a castle or owt but a sofa's better than a park bench Janis: You're alright Janis: I'll be good here Jimmy: There ain't a puppy here Jimmy: Use your big head Janis: Is there really Janis: 'cos you just sounded like a massive creeper tbh Jimmy: [sends photographic evidence of Twix's existence and the fact she's obvs his] Jimmy: [I like to imagine he's accidentally also sent random pics of him cos drunk] Janis: 😍😍😍 Janis: well throw in some free sweets and I'm yours, obvs Jimmy: I'm well photogenic me, you should know that by now, mate Jimmy: and yeah, our kid is 6, sweets I can do Janis: Better behind the 📷 Jimmy: when bae backhands you a good one 💕 Jimmy: so complimentary Janis: overarm ain't bad either Jimmy: duh such an athlete Jimmy: you gonna run to me or what? Janis: 💪 Janis: if you ain't gonna tell me where you live I'll have to, like Janis: can't let you go missing on my watch Jimmy: not while you still need me Janis: Would be potentially awkward explaining the whole fake dating deal to another lad at this point, yeah Jimmy: and that you didn't murder me Jimmy: she caught feelings so 🎯🔪🔪 Jimmy: 👻👻👻 RIP northern lad Janis: might be into that Janis: #kinkunlocked Janis: and *he Janis: drunk texting Jimmy: Nah, I meant you little miss knifeplay Janis: shut up then Janis: and you don't have a knife, just a sharpie Jimmy: just pleased to see you, babe Janis: 🙄 God Janis: drink MUST be wearing off, you're getting annoying again Jimmy: 💔💔💔 Jimmy: next time I'll swipe you two bottles Janis: n'awh Janis: it was very impressive Janis: and there's no hiding two bottles down your trousers, like Jimmy: #savage Jimmy: I get why you 💘 Jesus, give then take away as quick, you Janis: Oh, I thought we were gonna speculate on Jesus' massive dick Jimmy: 😂 Janis: I'm sure it was Janis: your own da ain't gonna do you like that, is he Jimmy: Mine would if he could Janis: Luckily designer babies are still unethical/he ain't god then Jimmy: 👍 Janis: not that we're here to talk about yours Janis: thanks Jimmy: weren't volunteering Janis: Good Janis: 👰🏽 of christ and only interested in his Janis: don't spread that about though Jimmy: But I want everyone to know my girlfriend will only spread her legs for her imaginary friend, like Jimmy: Tweet's already been sent Janis: such a way with words Janis: don't think anyone could blame me 😒 Jimmy: 🙄 Janis: if you actually roll your eyes rn you'll never get 'em back Jimmy: challenge accepted Janis: have fun Janis: loser Jimmy: 💪🏆 Jimmy: done, what else you got, knobhead? Janis: wait and see Jimmy: ⏲🏃 Janis: [give her a min or two to run up on him like boo bitch] Jimmy: [you know he's gonna be shook lol when you have to act like you didn't just shit yourself] Janis: [lols and turns him 'round like first of all] Jimmy: [when you trying to be grumpy but you're shamelessly happy to see her] Janis: ['thought I'd never see you again' but 🤞 with it obvs #bants] Jimmy: [an IRL playful eye roll like see I can do it and also shhh] Janis: ['impressive'] Jimmy: [gives her a flirty look that's meant to be be a pisstake like you ain't seen nothing yet vibes but we all know is serious] Janis: [shakes head like disgusting but clearly not over that kiss/ it ain't forgotten yet like and it shows, 'focus, boy'] Jimmy: [when you had the bottle with you so you finished it and that shows because you're standing way closer to her than you need to] Janis: [more eye contact, 'do you want me to come back with you or not?'] Jimmy: [you know he's drunk cos he's gonna answer a question omg 'I want you to come back with me'] Janis: ['come on then' and gestures like where we going boy] Jimmy: [tells her where he lives cos we ain't getting very far otherwise] Janis: [maps that out and starts walking in the opposite direction he was of course, taking his hand 'cos necessitiy duh] Jimmy: [it's ONLY so he don't get lost okay nothing to see here] Janis: [obvs, don't read anything into this people] Jimmy: [just walking & hand holding] Janis: [when you've gotta swing it like he's a child so this isn't too serious] Jimmy: ['thought we'd covered I weren't 5' but again no real pisstake happening] Janis: ['what are you then?'] Jimmy: ['what do you mean?'] Janis: [shrugs, 'vague for a reason, meant to interpret, artsy boy'] Jimmy: [shrugs back 'I ain't in art class now and you ain't signed up to it'] Janis: ['alright, comfortable silence it is then'] Jimmy: [more walking and hand holding nbd] Janis: ['can't believe you drank it all though, twat'] Jimmy: ['sorry' but 😏 'you can have more when we get back' not soz about sacrificing your stash Ian 'can't knock drink & a puppy, mate'] Janis: [lols and nudges him with her shoulder 'stop being so fucking creepy!'] Jimmy: ['only way to keep you at arms length that' but a LOOK cos we all know he don't wanna and hasn't gotten over the kiss yet either] Janis: ['oh, please' rolls her eyes but is 😳 'I'm only walking you home to be a gentleman, you're the one inviting me in'] Jimmy: ['I reckon its pretty gentlemanly of me not to leave you to sleep in a park, but if you wanna go back that bad, go on'] Janis: ['It's not a big deal, like' looks at him like he's being so drama but still amused enough 'let's get you in first, yeah'] Jimmy: ['I can get myself in, not that pissed, girl' starts walking ahead like he's gonna prove himself with that, okay boy] Janis: [catches up easily, obvs, 'yeah I walked all this way for you to strop off, come on'] Jimmy: ['why did you?'] Janis: ['what do you mean?'] Jimmy: [I mean what I said, why come with me?'] Janis: ['cos you were clearly lost and I'm not that much of a dick that I'll just let you wander 'round 'til morning, like'] Jimmy: ['it's not a big deal, so you reckon'] Janis: ['Well, I weren't lost, it's different'] Jimmy: ['you weren't no safer, same bollocks really'] Janis: ['Yeah I was, I know my way around here, who to avoid, all that'] Jimmy: [lights a 🚬 cos letting that drop when you know you can't win 'do you even wanna come?' needy boy alert] Janis: ['do you want me to?' when he's already answered this and you're suddenly him like ???] Jimmy: ['do you wanna?'] Janis: ['I mean, yeah, if it's alright, why not'] Jimmy: [when you just pass her the 🚬 cos yeah its obvs alright with him] Janis: [big ole drag] Jimmy: [when you've got no reason to go back to hand holding but you just wanna so you take hers this time] Janis: [looks but doesn't comment] Jimmy: [we walking lads] Janis: [please try to be quiet when you arrive, like] Jimmy: [they so shouldn't be though cos then Bobby can wake up & cockblock them lol] Janis: [good idea, let that happen] Jimmy: [start as we mean to go on cos he's always doing it down the line] Janis: night Jimmy: I don't get a good one then? Janis: probably not Janis: not got loads of youngers but that's how that goes, yeah? Jimmy: 🎻🎻🎻 Janis: lullabies work better Janis: even I know that Jimmy: Pete ain't here to sing for us and I'm not looking to traumatise the kid Janis: 💔 Janis: we all wish Pete was here Jimmy: Slide into his DMs Jimmy: sure he'd pick you up, mate Janis: at this o'clock Janis: and this wasted Janis: rather hit up the park again Jimmy: Go on then Janis: rude Janis: you said i could crash here Jimmy: you can Jimmy: you're the one 💔 by your lack of better offers Jimmy: I already knew it was shit here Janis: tonight is just like any other night Janis: nothing personal Jimmy: alright, rich girl Jimmy: got it Janis: what do you get Jimmy: your bollocks little memo there Janis: I dunno what you're chatting Jimmy: 🙄 Janis: helpful Janis: night then Jimmy: 👍 Janis: what times your dad likely to get up Jimmy: what time is it now? Janis: [some late into the AM time] Jimmy: you might get 7 hours Jimmy: if you piss off to sleep now Janis: we'll call it 6 Janis: 👍 Jimmy: longer if he's got a mrs in there Jimmy: probably will do Janis: well don't reckon I'll stay around to say hello to her either, like Jimmy: I've got work in a bit, go when I leave if you want Janis: long as its you that wakes up to me here I ain't arsed Jimmy: 👌 Janis: sorted Jimmy: 😘😘😘😘 Janis: Piss off 😏 Jimmy: say the sweetest things to me, you Janis: you want sweet I'll go public, like Jimmy: on you go then Janis: [posts something cringe-inducing on his timeline] Jimmy: 💕 Jimmy: [replies obvs but there's a flirty undertone that's real af] Janis: [just lowkey flirting this is why y'all get confused[ Jimmy: [stop but don't ever thank you] Janis: how did you do this for real Janis: it's so gross Jimmy: I didn't do all the #s and bollocks Jimmy: It weren't like this Janis: Fair Janis: you don't have to be this level of cringe, I guess Jimmy: you wanna scale it back? Janis: nah Janis: what we need to do Janis: playing to a dense audience Jimmy: 👍 Janis: it ain't real if you don't shove it down everyone's throats Janis: and even then Jimmy: how you paddys do it Jimmy: well #extra Janis: dunno about that Janis: maybe Jimmy: everythings !!!!!!!!!!!!!! Jimmy: even speak like it Janis: fuck off do I speak like that Janis: just 'cos it takes you 10 years to finish a sentence Jimmy: that's just me Jimmy: don't wanna talk to none of you, like Janis: yeah yeah Jimmy: nowt personal, as you said Janis: what do i care Janis: don't speak to anyone either if i can avoid it Jimmy: I noticed Janis: and what Jimmy: why I picked you for this Jimmy: one of the reasons Janis: gwan then Jimmy: ? Janis: don't pussy out Janis: what are the others Jimmy: to be unlocked Janis: ugh Janis: fuck off Jimmy: alright Jimmy: in a bit Janis: 🙄 Janis: okay Jimmy: isn't Jimmy: #obvs Janis: is Janis: you got to sleep Janis: just didn't know you were such a cocktease Jimmy: could be a kink for all you know Jimmy: which is nowt Janis: no, I'm a know-it-all remember Jimmy: that's how you reckon you are, not how it is, Jillian Janis: bollocks Jimmy: you've got my name and where I'm from 'cause my voice fits Jimmy: nowt else Janis: if you want people to leave you alone, drop the fit and mysterious bit Janis: everyone knows my business and no one fucks with me much Janis: easy Jimmy: yeah so easy you've had to get me to be your fake love interest Janis: no one knows everything they reckon they do Janis: just straightening some things out, literally Jimmy: Punny Janis: Hilarious too Janis: I remember, even if you're hazy Jimmy: vaguely threatening, who said romance was 💀💀? Janis: you will be tomorrow Janis: not a threat, literal facts at this point Jimmy: I'll live Jimmy: there's your day's disappointment ✔ Janis: sweet that you're getting a head start there Janis: but whether you live or die has no influence on me either way 😘 Jimmy: 💕 Janis: cute tho Jimmy: so everyone keeps telling me Janis: 😂 Janis: loving the confidence Jimmy: I got that from you, yeah Jimmy: love you too, girl Janis: that's a photo caption if I ever heard one Janis: remember Jimmy: ���� Jimmy: [comes to get a glass of water as if that's remotely gonna help & you aren't shameless boy] Janis: [casual hissing like 'you could've fucking warned me' 'cos died thinking it was someone else lol] Jimmy: ['You had me topless earlier, I didn't reckon you'd need one' such a dickhead and so 😏 sipping his water thinking about those bodyshots] Janis: [throws a pillow at him like this isn't someone else's house have some manners] Jimmy: [is all faux offended like oi rude but comes and puts the pillow back instead of throwing it like it's not just a shameless excuse to sit down near her] Janis: ['you got manners now?'] Jimmy: ['now?' an eyebrow raise 'I got you a bottle when you wanted one, what's better manners?'] Janis: ['STOLE but you know, guess you've got me there' 😏] Jimmy: ['Duh, got you right where I want you, that creeper, me'] Janis: ['said that was to keep me away so piss poor job, if you ask me'] Jimmy: ['I also said there'd be a puppy but do you see her? Nah, full of shit this dickhead'] Janis: [gasps dramatically but quietly lol] Jimmy: [when you're trying not to smile cos she a cute nerd but you fail cos you drunk and amused] Janis: ['did you lie about the sweets too?'] Jimmy: [gets up, gets sweets and throws them at her but more softly than usual like into her lap as he sits back down cos be quiet boy] Janis: [looks at him like okay 'one outta two ain't bad, like' and offers him some] Jimmy: [shrugs 'if you want me to wake my sister an' all, I'll get the dog' takes a lollipop cos 1. they take ages to eat and he wants to stay 2. he's a saucy bitch] Janis: ['nah, you're alright' 'when you now distracted af, 'scuse you] Jimmy: [when you're trying to give her a look like yeah I knew you didn't want Twix that bad but you're just giving her a LOOK cos blatant] Janis: [when you take the lolly like you really wanted it okay bitch] Jimmy: [when you should care but you're the one who's distracted af now] Janis: [pass it back like it's a smoke or a bottle] Jimmy: [these flirty nerds] Janis: [ze tension] Jimmy: [so much eye contact when he's not shamelessly looking at her mouth, boy please] Janis: ['what?' 'cos always] Jimmy: [repeats it back cos always] Janis: [she can initiate it this time] Jimmy: [give them some good making out time before I ruin it like a rude bitch] Janis: [then you gotta run girl run[ Jimmy: [my vibe is like he name drops cos he wants to slow things down cos SO INTO IT & fucking on his sofa rn having to be really quiet in the dark is not an ideal mood for many a reason so her name comes out cos that whole relationship was hot mess express full of mistakes not cos he's still really into that northern lass but obvs not getting the chance to explain cos it looks how it looks] Janis: [I feel it] Jimmy: [you better hope she don't remember this boy cos it seems like you were really into it and wanna get back with your ex] Janis: [mhmm but she won't obvs just remember she left for a reason so awks] Jimmy: [take that over calling her the most northern name ever that don't begin with J, no styling that out as bants] Jimmy: [when you can't even go after her or make the attempt cos what are you gonna say?] Janis: [that's that on that, like to think mcvickers live nearby so she doesn't need to stay out/go home home rn] Jimmy: [I'll allow it, stay safe thank you children]

[yuppiefail]

Inauguration day. I don't do irony. So optimism is all I've got.

A few days ago my friend Gina Luttrell wrote, “Anecdotally, I am finding that optimism about Trump’s presidency correlates pretty well to the amount of privilege one has + the ignorance/denial of others’ lack thereof. That sucks.”

I find this observation both fair and unhelpful. Or, I guess I should say probably pretty accurate and also mostly needlessly divisive.

If you’re interested in a task that is not just thankless, but will cause people to actually try to cause you harm, hold up a mirror. Almost no one wants to see who they truly are.

It did cause me to take a moment to think about my own optimism about Trump’s presidency. Am I on-net optimistic? No. But I am optimistic about several things Trump has done and has proposed.

I’m excited that the Trump team’s budget blueprint would reduce federal spending by $10.5 trillion over 10 years. I’m excited that Rep. Mick Mulvaney (R-S.C.) is Trump’s choice to head the Office of Management and Budget. He and I were on a Bitcoin and the Federal Reserve Panel at CPAC 2014 and he seems serious about cutting spending.

I’m beyond pumped about Betsy DeVos as head of the Department of Education. She is probably a religious nutjob. But I’ll take that over an education insider who supports the immoral status quo every day forever. I went to public schools K-12 and let me tell you from direct experience that they are moral travesties. We should be ashamed.

I’m excited (yet also trepidatious) about repealing and replacing Obamacare.

There’s way, way more that I’m very, very afraid of. I’m afraid of trade war. I’m afraid of more whistleblower prosecutions. I’m afraid of more hostility to free speech. I’m afraid of Muslim registries. I’m afraid of E-Verify. I’m afraid of kleptocracy. These are always possibilities. But with Trump they are no longer remote, but very, very real threats.

I, for one, take Trump at his word. I take him literally AND seriously. I could never have it on my conscience that I voted for someone who promised to prosecute journalists. No, “But he didn’t mean it,” rationalization could make that okay for me.

Back to the question at hand. How does my privilege play into my optimism? Everything I am optimistic about helps people with less privilege than I have, often more than it helps me. The research is very clear that international trade benefits low-income Americans on net by keeping prices for goods low. School choice disproportionately benefits low-income families. An actual market for healthcare will help people like this guy who is facing bankruptcy and possibly death despite his Obamacare “coverage.”

Now, this is what people do when you call them out. They get defensive.

But because I’m better than most people, I’m also capable of self-reflection. Am I particularly worried about LGBT rights under Mike Pence? In the abstract, sure. But as a cishet female, I’m not particularly fluent on the actual threat Mike Pence poses.

I’m also not particularly aware of the nuances of the threat Trump’s presidency poses to black Americans. I know that the Eric Holder Justice Department has done a phenomenal job of bringing a little bit of transparency to police departments that are particularly egregiously abusing citizens. It seems doubtful to me that the Trump DOJ will continue these kinds of investigations. Which sucks.

But, like, yeah. I’m more up-to-date and informed on trade policy, national debt, and regulations than I am LGBT rights, etc. because those topics feel like they affect me more.

I think it would be great for more people to feel more afraid for other people. For example, I feel afraid for Muslims and immigrants under Trump.

At the same time, I don’t co-sign castigating someone for optimism.

The most pernicious thing you could do with your privilege or lack thereof is give up. Optimism is required for activity.

In case you were curious about the extent to which Market-Based Management(TM) has infected every aspect of my thinking, I’m about to quote from the, I am not shitting you, Market-Based Management Institute Blog. Which, tbh I did not realize existed until I started Googling to find Ludwig von Mises’ Prerequisites of Human Action. Anyway, the idea is that for a human to be moved to action there must be (in no particular order):

1. Uneasiness 2. A vision of a better state 3. The belief that one’s behavior can lead to a better state

That’s optimism, folks. It’s not just the purview of the privileged. It’s the prerequisite for change.

I cannot change that I’m a beautiful, brilliant, heterosexual, cisgendered, middle-class, moderately educated, youngish person. And, frankly, given the chance, I would not.

What I can do, what I am required to do to be a decent person, at least by my own dubious ethical code, is have a good attitude. A good attitude doesn’t say that Muslim registries are actually okay because X, Y, or Z. A good attitude says that the Trump presidency will be a mixed bag, just as all presidencies are. That the likelihood of lots of shit going very, very sideways sure seems like it’s much higher than usual. But the likelihood of a few things getting fixed that could not have been fixed by a sane person is also higher than usual.

I think if you’re ignoring all the threats that Trump poses to women and minorities in your desire to burn the fucking system to the ground, that’s a dick move. I also want to burn it to the ground. Trust me. But I’m not willing to use black and trans bodies as kindling. So I think that’s what Gina is saying. And I agree with her.

But if you’re optimistic about certain aspects of a Trump presidency, I think that’s a good thing. I think that’s necessary.

I’m fucking depressed. Some of my friends want to witness parts of the inauguration out of curiosity and I guess I understand that. It’s historic. It’s interesting. But the thing about doing politics full-time, or watching America inaugurate an openly bigoted sexual predator who actively disdains civil liberties and free markets, is that it requires a dispositional remove. You need a certain amount of apathy, an emotional firewall, and a strong sense of irony to be able to do it without burning out. I don’t have any of that. I am painfully earnest and emotionally invested in these issues. Trump hurts my feelings. His supporters genuinely scare me.

I’ve recently realized that I don’t like watching people be mean to each other. Which is a huge part of why I stopped doing punditry full-time and is part of why I’m leaving D.C.

But I keep writing. I continue to write about politics for the same reason I couldn’t have voted for Trump. I can’t have inactivity in the face of oppression on my conscience either. So for me, optimism is a challenge. It’s a little seedling that I have to constantly water. I’m growing the seeds of dissent in my choice to believe that my behavior can lead to a better state (or no state, waddup).

I’m scared but I’m writing. I don’t do irony. So optimism is all I’ve got.

Inauguration day. I don’t do irony. So optimism is all I’ve got. was originally published on