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let-it-raines · 6 years ago

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Betting on the Bullseye (21/?)

Summary: Emma Swan loses a drunken bet that means she has to ask her celebrity crush - if you can call him that - to be her date to her office’s annual fundraising gala for Boston’s Children Shelter. Killian Jones is that celebrity. She expects all kinds of humiliation and for her dignity to be completely lost all because of the ridiculousness of the situation. What she doesn’t expect is for him to say yes.

What she truly doesn’t expect is to actually like the man.

Rating: Mature

A/N: I think you guys might like this one!

Found on AO3: Beginning | Current

Tag list: @nikkiemms @resident-of-storybrooke @wellhellotragic @bmbbcs4evr @onceuponaprincessworld @jennjenn615 @mayquita @captainsjedi @teamhook @skyewardolicitycloisdelena91 @artistic-writer @branlovesouat @dreadpirateemma @kmomof4 @ekr032-blog-blog @galaxyzxstark @lifeinahole27 @andiirivera @ultimiflos @hollyethecurious @thejollyroger-writer @superchocovian @cs-forlife @qualitycoffeethings @jonirobinson64 @notoriouscs

“Good God, it’s hot in here,” Emma murmurs to herself as she walks into her office, sweat already beading at her forehead. After the disaster with the air conditioner breaking earlier this summer, she cannot deal with this again. “Did they turn the damn air conditioning off over the weekend?”

She’s got to stop talking to herself.

She keeps walking down the hall, flicking lights on as she goes. She couldn’t sleep last night, spending it all staring at her phone and the message Killian had sent her after she’d told him she got home.

Killian:I’m sorry too.

It was only three words, three words that she’s seen before, but for some reason she couldn’t text him back. She didn’t know what to say. It’s kind of hard to figure out how to voice “hey, I’m still really freaking out about everything, but I love you and don’t like arguing with you.”

Okay, so she could have voiced it exactly like that, but every time she went to text those words or three other more familiar words or to press his contact name, she couldn’t do it. She doesn’t know why, but she couldn’t do it. And even as she tried to stay present in meeting Brody (who is absolutely freaking adorable) and checking on Mary Margaret, her mind kept playing over everything that had happened. She’d freaked out. There really aren’t any words for it other than that. She freaked out over all of the little things that have been building up into this one big fear of she and Killian not working out because their lives are so different and three thousand miles apart.

A little voice in her head reminds her that it’s two thousand nine hundred and ninety-nine, technically, and she knows that little voice is Killian’s. He looked it up. Maybe he looked it up to see how many frequent flyer points he’s been earning lately, or maybe he just full on Jess Mariano’d it. That’s totally not a verb, but it is kind of all she can think about. That and the fact that this good thing she’s got going for her that could end.

She doesn’t want it to end.

Talking to Killian would probably help things not to end…but it also could make things end more quickly. She thinks that may be what kept her, what keeps her from talking to him. It’s not that she’s mad at him or upset with him or any of that despite the harsh words that he said to her too. It’s more than she’s worried that the third party in their relationship, the damn distance, is finally going to be the breaking point. She’s terrified of it being the breaking point, and she has no idea how to handle it. If anything, she’s doing everything she can to avoid handling it.

She ran. She knows that she ran, that she fell back into this old pattern of hers, but she also knows that she had to leave California anyways. She was coming home yesterday regardless of if Brody was born or she and Killian got into an argument. She was always going to come home. Maybe she wouldn’t have spent her night in his guest room and left without saying goodbye, but sometimes she makes dumb choices. She’s human, and she’s not going to always do the rational thing.

Looking back, she can’t believe how much things would have been different if she had taken a moment to breathe.

If they had both taken a moment to breathe in the heat of the argument.

She’s always been a fan of avoiding her problems, avoiding the fact that her parents left her with nothing, avoiding the fact that the first person she ever trusted with her heart betrayed her in a way that she still cannot wrap her head around, and avoiding every little heartbreak in between. Usually she shuts everything out, shuts everyone out, and hides away from it all, never thinking of it again until something triggers the memory. Now, though, all she can think about is Killian and how she should have talked to him, should have never left him to worry like she knows that he did. It’s not the first time that they’ve argued. It hopefully won’t be the last, but she knows that this time she can’t walk around blaming Killian for everything.

Really, she can’t blame herself for it either. She can’t deny that she’s screwed up, that she has things to own up to, but she also knows that she’s not fighting with Killian because of something either of them did wrong besides a few harsh words they shouldn’t have said. It’s simply the circumstances their lives have put them in.

Normally she needs Mary Margaret or David or, hell, even Ruby to drill things like this into her head, but she had a long time to think in Killian’s guest room and on the plane ride home. She may have her own set of issues, but she apparently is starting to figure them out.

Even if she really wants to avoid people right now.

That’s likely why she’s walking into her office before seven in the morning on her first day back at work after her vacation. She doesn’t think anyone in the offices even comes in this early, which is probably why it’s so damn hot in here. That or September is just off to this awful start. She wants fall. Maybe everything will be better in the fall.

Maybe she’ll have talked to Killian by then.

No, definitely. She definitely has to talk to him. She’ll call or text tonight. Yeah, that’s exactly what she’ll do. She’s not going to chicken out. She’s not. She has to call. She knows Killian, and he is definitely waiting on her. He’s always waiting on her and following her lead, and as sweet as that is, if Killian wants something, he should be able to say it without worrying about if it’s going to freak her out or not. So she has to talk to him.

She’s terrified, but she has to talk to him. They’re not going to break up. They’re not. They’re going to apologize and fix things and make it all better. She thinks that as if a band-aid can heal a bullet hole, but if it’s big enough, maybe it’ll stop the bleeding for a little while.

There’s a reason she’s not a doctor. Okay, there are a lot of reasons.

The fact that she keeps repeating things over and over and over again in her head to keep herself from crying in the middle of her workplace is likely another reason. She’s cried a lot in the past forty-eight hours. She sobbed the night of their argument when she was pacing in Killian’s guest room, the room she stayed in when they weren’t dating, and she’d sobbed on the plane even with all of her thinking through things. Maybe because of her thinking through things. The woman next to her likely thought she was crazy. She’s honestly surprised that the woman didn’t ask for a different seat so she can be away from the crazy woman.

Emma surely would have.

Her tears finally stopped when she got to the hospital, only to start again when she saw all of the Nolans in Mary Margaret’s hospital room. It was like a freaking post card or Hallmark card or an entire Hallmark movie. But not one with Lori Loughlin or anything. She’s probably not going to be playing a devoted mother any time soon, which Emma thinks is pretty ironic because she seems pretty devoted to her kids. But they were all so happy, and Leo was fascinated with his little brother, if not a bit jealous when he realized Brody was coming home with them. So obviously she cried. She’s not sure if it was all happy tears or if she was just feeling so damn much right then and there that every little emotion she had ever felt was flowing over until her eyes were more red than green.

She was like a Christmas tree.

And maybe her mind is a little all over the place because she hasn’t exactly slept in two days. She’s had a lot to think about.

“You’re here early.”

“Holy shit,” she gasps, literally stumbling backward and grabbing her chest like she’s clutching pearls or something ridiculous like that as her heartbeat speeds up and Kathryn comes into view with files cradled in her arm. “Kathryn, you startled me.” “Well, maybe if you were in the office a little more, you wouldn’t get so startled about people being here to, you know, do their jobs.”

Kathryn pushes past her, their shoulders hitting, and she turns around as Kathryn walks away. “What the hell do you mean by that?”

Kathryn stops in her tracks, turning around and giving Emma a stare that could melt ice while in a freezer. “I mean,” she snaps, taking several steps forward until she’s in Emma’s face, their noses close enough to touch, “that maybe if you spent time at work instead of traipsing around with your boyfriend all the time, maybe you wouldn’t be surprised that I’m here.”

“I’m entitled to a personal life.”

“Your personal life is on the front page of gossip magazines and in a million articles online. Your personal life is everywhere, and ever since the damn Christmas gala, I’ve had to spend my time answering phone calls on a daily basis asking if I can get them in contact with Killian Jones. Time is taken out of my day to deal with you all the while you suntan on a boat in California.”

“Kathryn,” she begins calmly even as her entire body begins to heat, her stomach swirling in a way that’s totally different than it has been in the past few days, “if you have a problem with my personal life, I suggest you keep it to yourself. I can guarantee you that it doesn’t affect your life nearly as much as it affects mine, and if you’ve got such a problem with it, why don’t you complain to HR? I’m sure they can help you get the stick out of your ass by telling you that I’ve done absolutely nothing wrong here.”

“You’re kind of entitled for someone who literally came from nothing if all of the articles are correct.”

“Well, I may have come from nothing, but look at that,” she says, moving her arms out to the sides to encompass the room, “we’ve ended up in the same damn place. Have a good day, Kathryn.”

She’s absolutely done with that conversation. Kathryn has always been awful and petty, but that’s taking things to new levels. Emma was much kinder than she wanted to be, but she is at work and calling someone an asshole and then slapping her would do nothing but get Emma fired. Her life is a mess right now, and the absolute last thing she needs is to get fired. She’s got savings but…she’d have nothing. Her apartment is crappy, but it still costs a hell of a lot to live without a roommate in the city.

Her job is kind of a necessity for her to live.

She also really loves her job.

That saying when it rains it pours seems to hold true throughout the day. She did take two days off, but there really shouldn’t be that much for her to do, especially since she answered some of her emails last night. Everything is pretty much nonstop, and if it wasn’t for Ruby bringing her a salad, she wouldn’t have eaten all day. She’s not even sure that she ate yesterday, and all she’s had today is some lettuce with a couple of pieces of cold chicken in it. And barely even that. From the way Ruby looked at her and talked to her, Emma knows that Ruby is aware that she and Killian are in a fight. Emma didn’t say anything, but Ruby knows. Either Ruby knows her that well or she’s talked to Killian. She’d bet on both, but if she had to pick one, it’d be Killian calling Ruby to make sure the Emma was okay.

He probably didn’t call Mary Margaret because he didn’t want her to worry.

But her day is pretty much the day from hell, the past few days have been really, and when she gets home, she collapses on the couch, unbuttons her pants, and wonders if maybe she could prove Kathryn right and just not go to work and yet still have a job.

“Shit,” she groans, rolling over on the couch and reaching for her purse on the ground, fumbling for her phone. “Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit.”

She was going to call Killian. She is going to call Killian, but she’s not exactly in the best of moods. Being in a better mood would probably help this conversation a hell of a lot, but she doesn’t think she can go another day without at least talking to him. They don’t have to fix all of their problems today. That would be impossible. All she really wants is to hear his voice for a little while and to know that they’re not broken.

They really screwed up a little bit, didn’t they?

She really screwed up.

Taking a deep breath and then three more, closing her eyes and attempting to calm the way butterflies are fluttering in her stomach, she presses down on his contact name and waits as the rings begin. And then as they end and his voice message pops up.

Well, that’s not the way she wanted to hear his voice.

Disappointment washes over her entire body, and she feels tears prickling in the back of her eyes, which is ridiculous. She’s not often ashamed of tearing up, but tearing up over her boyfriend not answering her call when that happens all the time for them, well, she feels a little ridiculous over that. She needs some ice cream or something. Or donuts. She could probably eat an entire box of donuts.

But then her phone starts buzzing on her stomach, a picture of she and Killian from his premiere just a few days ago popping up, and she’s so frantic to answer it that she nearly misses his call from how her fingers are shaking.

“Hello?” Killian audibly sighs, and she does the same, relief washing over her before he speaks again. “Hi, Swan.”

“Hi,” she squeaks, choosing to ignore the fact that she actually just squeaked. “Hi, hi, hi. I’m so glad you answered or called or I don’t even know. I was waiting and missing and didn’t really know and – I’m just going to shut up right now.”

Killian chuckles on the other end of the line, and it lessens the tension she feels in her shoulders, the knots softening even further. “I’m glad you called and glad that I called back. I don’t…God, I’m sorry, Swan.”

“I’m sorry too. You don’t absolutely hate me for just boarding a plane like that?” “I don’t hate you, no. I’d rather you not do shit like that, but I don’t control what you do. That’d be barbaric. I just like when we talk, when you don’t disappear in the middle of the night.” “I know. That was a shit move. I knew it then, and I know it now. I guess I was just upset. We’ve got – we’ve got some stuff to figure out.” “Aye,” he sighs, and she can practically see him running his hand over the hair on his chin in contemplation, “but if you’d let me, I’d like to have that conversation in person.” “Killian, you don’t have to do that.” “I think I do, darling. You’re right when we say we have some stuff to figure out, and while I don’t doubt our abilities to get things done over the phone, especially with the wicked tongue that you have, I do think I’d rather be able to see you while we’re talking these things through. I have a feeling it’s not a one-time thing kind of conversation. It’s going to be more than an hour.”

“I know.”

“And you…you want to have this conversation?”

“Yes, yes, of course,” she insists, messing with the tips of her hair simply so she has something else to focus on. “I know I said I couldn’t do this, and Killian, I’m terrified that we’re going to talk about everything and realize that we can’t work this out, but I think I was – I know that I was spiraling that night. A lot of the things I said were legitimate, but a lot of them were the fear speaking over the logic. I do that a lot”

“It’s okay.”

It’s really not. They both know that it’s not. He should tell her that it’s not, that she hurt him.

“It’s not. I love you, you know? And I know we fight, but this one felt different.”

“Aye, I know,” he admits, and she sits up on the couch, pulling herself into a ball and wrapping her arms around her knees to comfort herself. “It was different. And I love you too. I don’t…could I fly in tomorrow or do you want more time?”

“I’d be okay with tomorrow.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah,” she smiles, feeling better than she has in several days, hope settling somewhere deep inside of her.

“Well, I guess I’ll see you tomorrow then.”

“Sound like a plan, Stan.”

Time ticks by the following day at what has to be slower than a snail’s pace. She goes into work early again, simply because she couldn’t sleep, but it’s only after she’s dropped some food off at David and Mary Margaret’s house. She knows that she’s not much of a cook, but she figures that there’s only so many ways she can mess up bringing over several frozen casserole dishes. Seriously, unless she drops them or buys them expired, she can’t mess that up. A part of her still feels guilty over missing Brody’s birth, over not being there for Mary Margaret and David when they needed her, and maybe a little of her trying to help is to assuage herself of some of that guilt. It’s not really working, but Mary Margaret’s tired smile helps a little bit.

Sometimes Mary Margaret drives her insane with her positivity and her refusal to see the bad in things, but she’s her family. Emma loves she and David – and Leo and Brody too – so damn much that she would do anything in the world for them.

Same for Ruby.

And for Killian.

She’s never had a biological family. Sure, they’re probably out there somewhere, but that doesn’t mean a thing to her anymore. She didn’t get to grow up with the family she always wanted, but she’s glad to have learned that found family is just as good. If not better.

It’s probably why this day is ticking by so slowly. She’s been up for an exhausting amount of time, and she’s anxious to be able to see Killian, to be able to talk to him, and to be able to try to work this out. How the hell they’re going to solve a long-distance relationship, she has no clue.

If Boston and Santa Monica could, like, merge somehow, that would be great. That’d be a funky climate, but that would be great.

“Have you eaten today?” Ruby asks her, startling her out of her thoughts so that she looks up toward her office door. “Because you barely eat yesterday, and Ems, you can’t starve yourself just because you and hot stuff are in a fight.”

“I ate breakfast with the Nolans.” She rolls back in her desk chair and stretches her arms up over her head, the ache pleasurable. She needs to stretch more. “Are you ever down in your office, Rubes? Don’t you have kids to counsel?”

“I am in between sessions, and I figured I had an Emma to counsel.”

Emma rolls her eyes even as her lips tug up on the sides. “I am fine, and, again, I ate this morning. But I really appreciate that you’re the type of friend to consistently feed me.”

“Food is the way to your heart,” she sighs, walking into the room and closing the door behind her. “But seriously, you okay? You’ve been all out of sorts ever since you came home on Monday.”

“Yeah, I’m fine. I just – we just – Killian and I did get into a fight, but he’s on a plane right now so we can talk in person. The long distance is kind of killing us lately, even with how good this summer has been to us, and I know that things are really only going to get worse with time or when Killian starts working again. He’s picking up a new movie, and I’m so proud of him. I just know that’s going to be months of missing him on top of us already being separated. It’d be different if we lived in the same place.”

Ruby raises her brows, her forehead wrinkling with the movement, before she’s neutralizing her features and looking at Emma with the softest of smiles. She’s channeling Mary Margaret. She has to be. “Have you told lover boy any of this?”

Okay, so Ruby mixed with Mary Margaret. Like a two for one deal.

“Kind of,” she shrugs, lifting her legs up to tuck them into the chair as much as she can. “I mean, I don’t really know how. We talk about it all, but it’s hard. He gave up a movie for me, you know? And I can’t ask him to do that again. It’s one of the reasons I told him to take this new one. He loves it, and he should get to do what he loves.”

“Well, if I can give you some sage advice from someone who has done long distance, it’s that you have to talk. My relationship failed, but as I’ve just learned recently, it failed when we lived in the same damn city too. Vic and I probably aren’t the best match when it comes down to who we are now, and while I don’t get to know the intimacies of your relationship no matter how much I try to get you to tell me about how wonderful the sex is, I have a good feeling about you and Killian, kid. But you gotta talk to him about some terrifying future shit if you’re going to make it work.”

“I know.” She untucks her legs from her chair so she can stand and walk to the other side of the room, wrapping her arms around Ruby in an embrace. “I really hate when you get all wise about things.”

“Well, baby mama wasn’t about to tell you the truth if you’d talked to her it all this morning, so someone has to. I also really wanted you to come get lunch with me.”

She laughs into Ruby’s shoulder before pulling back. “Yeah, let’s go get lunch then.”

-/-

Killian’s sitting outside of her apartment door when she gets home a little later than usual, the sun already beginning to fade away as it shines through the window at the end of the hall. He hasn’t seen her yet, his head still tilted down, hair falling over his forehead as he messes with his phone. He has a key. She knows that he has a key because she gave it to him, and yet he’s sitting on a disgusting hallway floor that probably hasn’t been cleaned in months. If ever. And with all of the things she knows about Killian Jones, one of the most prominent is how he doesn’t like germs or for anything to be unclean.

“You know,” she sighs, pushing the nerves down as she walks toward him, her flats tripping her up for a moment, “there’s this amazing invention called a key. If you have the right one, it lets you into certain rooms.”

His head snaps up to her, his fingers stopping their movements on his phone, and she can’t help her laugh at the way his lips part, surprise very obviously crossing his face as he stares up at her, and she knows if his hands weren’t grasping his phone, he’d be scratching his ear or his chin. It’s just how he is. “Swan.”

“What are you doing sitting on the floor, KJ?”

“Ah, didn’t feel right to let myself in.” He stands from the ground as she unlocks the door, swinging it open eve as her hands shake a bit. She’s not sure if it’s out of nervousness or excitement. “And I’ve only been here for a little while.”

“How long is a little while? Why didn’t you text me that you were here? Didn’t we just talk about this?”

“Well, two hours or so, I’d say. I didn’t want to worry you or bother you at work. If you’ve been anywhere close to how I’ve been today, you likely didn’t need extra worry. I’m, well, I can’t believe I’m about to say this, but for the first time since before we started dating, I’m nervous to talk to you.”

“Killian,” she murmurs, turning around and wrapping her arms around his waist, feeling his warmth even as he takes a moment to return the embrace. But he does, his arms moving around her and his hug so tight that she swears he picks her up off the ground if only for a moment.

“I know,” he mutters into her hair, the vibrations hitting against her skin at the same time she feels his scruff scratch her neck. “I’m sorry. I can’t – I’m sorry.”

“Me too, but we already said all of that.” She pulls back from their embrace so she can look him in the eyes, the blue lighter than the last time she saw him, the darkness no longer swirling. As nervous as she’s been, as anxious as she’s been, she doesn’t think anything really compares to how she’s feeling right now. She should have known that there wouldn’t be yelling. At least yet. She should have known that talking over the phone and making a plan to talk would not have been nearly as fiery as their argument in California. Tempers aren’t hot, so of course they’re like this. It’s Killian. It’s not the others. It’s Killian. “I don’t – I don’t even know how to start.”

“Why don’t we get something to drink and move out of your doorway, and we can talk, okay?”

She fixes them two cups of coffee, the caffeine likely not going to help the nerves that are starting to build again, before they sit down on her couch, her legs curled up underneath her so she’s as small as she can possibly be. It’s silent for long enough for the silence to be awkward, and since that makes her entirely uncomfortable, she breaks it.

“I don’t know how long I can do this long distance thing.” As her shoulders heave, the words finally off of her chest in the calmness of the day, she watches as Killian smiles across from her, his lips turning into one of the brightest smiles she’s ever seen from him. “Why the hell are you laughing?”

“Bloody hell. You just blurted that out like if you didn’t say it within five seconds an explosive would go off.”

“Well that’s how I felt.”

“I know, I know,” he chuckles, waving her away. “I’ve felt the same way. You just amuse me, darling.”

“That’s because I’m so damn funny.”

“I’m aware, but you’re also right. The distance fucking sucks, and I guess I’ve been ignoring how much of a strain that it’s putting on me, which is making me ignore how much of a strain it’s putting on you. I don’t – I mean, I noticed, but I brushed it aside.”

“So did I. And we can’t really do that because then I have meltdowns over missing Mary Margaret giving birth when it really shouldn’t have been that big of a deal.”

“Hey, no, don’t do that. Don’t diminish your feelings, Swan. If I had missed Aiden’s birth, I’d have been beside myself. I realize that I didn’t react in the best way, but I’ve had time to think about it. We’ve both been missing so much of our families’ lives and our friends’ lives since we started dating. You’ve had to miss some bigger, more important moments, and, darling, I am so sorry for that. It’s not fair or easy, but I love you more than anything in the world. I will get my damn pilot’s license if it means that I get to be with you more often.”

“Captain Killian Jones has a pretty good ring to it.”

“Aye, it does, doesn’t it? Seriously, though. I love you, Emma, and I’ve got no idea what kind of timeline we’re supposed to be on, but I don’t think any of that matters. I want to be with you for a long time, and if we’re going to do this, I think one of us has to think about moving.”

And there it is.

There’s the crux of the problem. There’s the entire problem.

“I know,” she whispers, taking a sip of her coffee to give herself more time to think as she watches Killian’s face and the way his eyebrows struggle to stay still. He wants to furrow them, but he’s trying to stay still. “I love you, and I know that if we want to make it work, that we have to think about that. I just…there’s no good option, KJ. If I move to California, I leave my friends and have to find a new job. If you move here, you leave your family and friends and half of your work stuff. Plus, you’re already gone when you’re working all of the time, and Boston would probably be more of an inconvenience than anything. California is better for you.”

“And Boston is better for you.”

“So what do we do?”

Killian shrugs, and her nerves race to new heights, the realization she’s always known just reconfirming itself to her. What do they do? How do they solve this? There’s nothing that’s better for both of them, and she can’t ask Killian to leave his family. She can’t.

“I can’t ask you to leave your family.”

“I’d do it though, Swan,” he offers, placing his mug on the end table. It’s been empty for awhile, but he must have been holding onto it simply so he’d have something to do with his hands. “It’s a hell of a lot more convenient for me to move. My finances are more flexible, I don’t have to worry about finding employment in a certain city, and I can fly back to Santa Monica to be with my family whenever I need. Work for me isn’t always in LA. It rarely is. I can be based somewhere else.”

“What about your house? You love that house.”

“What about it? I can keep it. I’ll rent or buy an apartment here, maybe something down by the harbor, and that way we don’t have to broach the conversation of moving in together if you don’t want to. We can have our separate spaces.”

“Oh.”

“Unless you want to,” he interrupts, reaching his hand across the cushions until it’s placed on her knee, his fingers squeezing her skin. “I just – bloody hell, Emma. I would love to live with you, but I figured it might be too much for you at once.”

“Fuck that.”

“I’m sorry?”

“Fuck that, Killian,” she chuckles, the sound leaning a bit on the sadistic side. “Killian, I know that I’m more skittish than most normal human beings, but disregarding this weekend, when have I ever run from you? I haven’t. Yes, this is all scary as hell, and I thank you for being so considerate with me all the time. But I want you to tell me what you want. I want to know exactly how you feel about things, not how you feel filtered so that you think you won’t scare me.”

He lunges forward so quickly that she doesn’t have more than a moment to prepare herself before his body is covering hers as well as his lips, her breath completely leaving her the moment Killian makes contact. It’s not at all what she was expecting, but she doesn’t mind as she gets to feel the softness of his lips, the taste of coffee lingering on them, mixed with the roughness of his beard on her. It hasn’t been that long since they last did this, only a few days really, but it feels like a lifetime.

“I want to move in with you,” he huskily whispers, their mouths still so close that they don’t completely part as they talk. His breath and his body are warm, and she sinks further into the couch cushions as she blinks her eyes up at him, that light blue turning a little darker. “I think it should be Boston. I really do, Emma. It’s not just to make you happy. I think it’s the best solution for us right now, and maybe one day in the future, we can move back to Santa Monica. We don’t have to have everything figured out, but I think this is a good step. I have been thinking about this for a long time, longer than this weekend, but I didn’t know how to say it.”

“Thank you,” she mumbles before grazing his lips again as her hands trace up and down his back, landing at the dip between his hips and his ass. She’s so damn glad that he spoke to her like that. “Thank you for telling me how you actually feel. We’re partners, okay? It’s not just about me or just about you.”

“Aye, I know. But what do you think about me moving to Boston, about us finding a place?”

“What? This place isn’t good enough for you?”

“Swan.”

“I know, I know. Deflecting.” She moves her hands over his back again, feeling just how real and how present he is even as he presses down on her with their breaths still intermingling. “I mean, I kind of like it. I still think maybe we should be super nerdy and make a pro-con list about things before we pay a deposit, and I’m kind of terrified that maybe we’ll start hating each other if we spend more than a week together with no end in sight.”

“So separate bedrooms then?”

“Definitely not. Wherever we live has to have your mattress, though.”

“That’ll likely stay in the house. We can get a new mattress though.”

“What about mine?”

“Swan, I have every intention of making good use of that mattress in about two minutes, but it either has to go burn somewhere or we keep it in a spare bedroom.”

“I’m not sure whether I want to talk about the fact that you think we’re getting a two-bedroom apartment or whether I want to talk about this whole two minute thing.”

“The two minute thing, and then afterwards, we can talk about everything else, make that damn list of yours so that you can try to convince me that Santa Monica is better for us right now even though we both know that it’s not.”

She laughs as he captures her lips again, and the sound disappears to be replaced by her gasp, everything else drowning out for a quick moment. There’s always been something so intoxicating about him, about Killian, and while some things with them are still new, there are others that feel like they’ve been doing it for years. The way he kisses her, his ability to take her breath away, that’s one of them. She hopes that it never stops, that it never changes. Life is hard, relationships likely more difficult, and it all evolves and changes over time. But maybe some things can stay the same.

Or maybe they can evolve in a good way.

“Has it been two minutes?”

“I’ve got no bloody clue, but I don’t think it even matters.”

There’s a pointed rolls of his hips into hers, once, twice, three times, before he’s actually rolling off of her, a groan emanating from the back of his throat as he stands up, his limbs obviously aching a bit. She’d crack a joke about him being an old man, but she herself feels a little lifeless pressed into the couch, the cushions molding into her body. Killian offers his hands, and she takes them, allowing him to pull her up and onto her feet before he’s dipping his head and running his lips over her wrist, something that always causes nearly every inch of her skin to stand on edge in the best way. She knows that when he does that, he’s saying he loves her. He’s never admitted that in the exact words, but she knows.

She also knows that she doesn’t have as many eloquent and thoughtful ways to express her feelings for Killian, that she tries her best, but she doesn’t have a spot to kiss or flowery words to reassure him how much he’s loved. But she does want to reassure him of that, to make sure he knows how much she is in this for the long haul too, and maybe one day she’ll get better at letting Killian know that he has completely turned her life into something not unrecognizable, but different.

In an infinitely good way.

But she’ll figure all of that out later as she tugs at Killian’s t-shirt until he’s helping her take it off, dark hair covering lean muscles now exposed to her gaze as her nail traces up and down his skin, her eyes not finding his even though she knows that he’s looking at her.

She’s taking things deliberately slowly, savoring it even though every inkling she has tells her to go faster, and apparently Killian feels the same. He’s just acting on it.

“You in a hurry there?” she asks as his hands fumble with her shirt, yanking it up over her head even with the way he’s deliciously trailing his lips against her neck. He’s eager and a bit rough, and her legs are already beginning to lose a bit of their strength.

“Yes.”

A giggle escapes her lips, her breath already uneven, and she pushes his chest to make him move away from the couch. It could work, but she’s got other ideas. “I thank you for your honesty.”

“I would thank you to stop teasing me and to get these bloody pants off.” “So impatient.”

“Again, yes.”

It’s faster after that, the two of them officially stumbling back into her bedroom, clothes hastily being pulled off and dropped to the floor. Killian’s hands land on her thighs, warm and rough, and her stomach twists in anticipation as he picks her up for a brief moment and deposits her on the mattress, his tongue constantly moving against the flesh of her collarbone while she arches her back up, their hips coming together in such a way that she and Killian both groan at the contact.

“You’re a damned tease,” Killian whispers against her lips. She can feel every inch of his skin on hers, the hair on his chest brushing against her breasts and creating friction, and she can feel how he rests heavily between her thighs, gooseflesh rising on her bare skin once more. She’s missed him. She can’t comprehend how she could miss someone so much when she just saw him, but she has. She’s missed him, and she loves him. “A bloody minx.”

“I know,” she manages to murmur right back, hooking her arms underneath his shoulders and running her nails against his back and between his shoulder blades, the muscles twitching with every touch as he grunts in response, slanting his lips over hers until she can’t breathe. She knows breathing is important and everything, but she’s okay with the lack of air for right now. She’s not going to die from it.

She might die from the way when Killian releases her, he moves down her body, tracing every inch of her skin with the softness of his lips and the harshness of his beard, a contrasting combination that causes the pleasure to increase in between her thighs. Then his mouth is on her breast, lips closing around her nipple, and she swears if magic existed, it would feel exactly like that. She needs it to feel exactly like that, especially as Killian expertly works her up, his tongue lavishing her while one of her hands bunches into the sheets and the other into his hair, likely a bit too rough.

He doesn’t stay long, though, her hand in his hair not keeping him there, and he moves down her stomach, kissing and whispering against the muscles of her skin as her entire body hums. She wants to speak, has a million words on her tongue, but all she can really focus on is Killian’s tongue on her inner thigh and the way that he’s nibbling her skin so close to where she’s aching. She’s never been the best with words, but right now she simply doesn’t know any.

Anticipation is building, his breath hot on her flesh, and with her eyes closed to try to calm herself down, it takes her a moment to realize that his mouth is no longer situated over where she wants him and is instead working its way back up her body. Every inch of hair she has is standing up, even the ones on her head, and she imagines it makes quite the look.

“What are you doing?” she whines, opening her eyes so that she’s suddenly engrossed in the deep, dark blue of Killian’s. How many colors can his eyes be in such a short period of time? They’re kind of like magic too, she guesses.

He hums, but he doesn’t say anything, his lashes landing against his cheeks before opening up again. When he runs his thumbs over her cheekbones, all of her focus is pulled away from the way that she can feel his arousal against her thigh, the heat of it likely more than the heat of her skin, but she can’t focus on anything except the softness of his gaze. It’s almost as if he’s memorizing her features, memorizing her, and she does the same for a moment, watching a freckle by his nose.

“When I first saw you on that video, I thought you were so beautiful even in that damn sweater. I can’t – I never could have imagined that you would be the love of my life.”

Well, fuck. That is not at all what she was expecting, and as the tears pool in her eyes, all she can do is kiss him, harsh and demanding mixed in with the occasional soft movement as their tongues tangle together in a warm, wet dance. She pushes him to roll over, whispering words too, and her lips trail along his skin in the same way that his did to hers, making his muscles twitch as she explores him and lets him feel how much she loves him too.

It’s like she’s breathing him in and letting instinct carry her as she moved above him.

“I love you,” she murmurs against his hipbone before she’s taking him in hand and pumping him a few times, the guttural groan he emits leisurely making its way down her body in the form of a shiver until she’s maneuvering herself above him and joining them together on a deep sigh. “I love you, I love you, I love you.”

So maybe her words aren’t as flowery, but they get the meaning across.

Her hands find their way to his chest, gripping into the hair, and his land on her hips, helping to guide her as she moves up and down. Her entire body is a mixture of emotion and the haziness of pleasure, each thrust, each push and pull, each trace of Killian’s fingers over her skin making her lose herself a bit more as her stomach tightens and everything else loosens. Before she knows it, they’re moving, Killian slipping out of her for a brief moment that feels like the longest ten seconds in the world, before his body is hovering over hers, lips devouring her, and yet he stays completely still inside of her.

“KJ,” she whispers, and he pulls back to look at her, brows furrowed together as he stares at her again, “are you going to move?”

“Yeah, yeah. I just – ” He stops talking to kiss her cheek, the gesture somehow more intimate than them being joined together in the most intimate of places. “I don’t know. I got lost in my head for a moment.”

She runs her hand across his cheek, tapping her fingers against the skin while she swivels her hips for the lightest bit of friction and relief. “That’s okay if you did.”

“Aye,” he mumbles before fiercely snapping his hips into hers, her body and the bed moving with him as the pleasure resumes more quickly than she ever could have imagined, her hands gripping into the sheets and into his skin simply so that she does not turn to dust beneath him. He’s a man on a mission who’s making her get lost in her head as the bedframe creaks (they’re definitely not keeping this one) and she swears that it almost falls out from underneath them.

Or maybe that’s just her. Maybe her body is so on edge, so ready to fall, that she can do little more than listen to Killian’s whispers in her ears while her legs wrap around his waist and he continues to move with her and within her.

“Fuck,” he groans against her skin, the vibrations nothing with the way that she’s tingling. “You are so magnificent.”

She almost says thank you, really and truly, but then the coil that’s been building bursts inside of her as sweat grows all over her heated skin and Killian’s mouth whispers delicious, filthy, sweet words into the strained cords of her neck as she falls apart beneath him. Even with the slight numbing feeling that she has, her mind not fully there for a brief moment, she makes the effort to move with Killian, to let her hips swivel as his do the same. She can tell that he’s close, the flushed skin and insistent thrusts giveaways, and she tries to coax him through it, to lead him to the end even as a pleasure starts to hum within her once more.

But then he’s falling apart too, his thrusts coming once, twice, three times more, before he groans practically every filthy word she’s ever heard and lands on top of her with a gentle thud, his weight only uncomfortable for a moment as the “I love you” he whispered makes its way into her brain as well.

“We should fight more often if it’s going to be like that.”

“Shut up,” she giggles as she looks up at the smirk he’s currently got going on, his hair disheveled and face still flushed. He’s being cheeky and maybe a bit smug, and she can do nothing put push back his hair, sweat moving back with it as she makes an attempt to catch the breath that’s been so evasive today. “We weren’t even fighting today. That was more…celebratory.”

“Well, my love,” he sighs, leaning his forehead down to rest against hers, nose pushing into her cheek, “we should have this combination of makeup sex and celebratory sex more often.”

“You know, every time we fight you can’t just ask me to move in with you. That would be impractical.”

“Eh, well, I’ll figure something out. And I was so right.”

“About what?”

He moves them as much as he can, the bed squeaking with each thrust of his hips. “We’ll have to get a new bed. This one makes too much damn noise.”

#betting on the bullseye #captain swan #cs fic #cs ff

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perry-the-deer · 5 years ago

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SO!

it is EXACTLY a month before i’ve had this blog for a year (marking my like, 6th year on tumblr fnjdsng), and lets see my development babey..

Posts: 5,607

Followers: 78

Drafts: 1

Queue: 2 (Zubat...)

My most popular post...

is Homestuck Time....

BUT ANYWAY

ima be an emotional lil bastard to my friends who’ve stuck with me >:3c under the read more

@chorbie-the-orbie (Met: 08/01/17) HEY so you’re gone rn but yknow its ok bc im still gonna be a gay. Youre my darling fucking moirail!! Bro i can’t believe its almost been 2 and a half years?? like?? hello??? Charlie u’ve meant like, the WORLD to me since we met and we’ve had our ups and downs and our,, Mistakes lmao, but even still!!! im.. A!

Our moronic asses were like ‘haha we dont have any feelings for eachother’ and you would call me at 12 in the morning and sing love songs to me like the big dork you are whenever i was panicking and we pretended to be dating for like a day and failed horribly bc This Just In; we’re stupid!!!

and then we dated and That went WOOPS but now we’re settled as moirails and i think this is how it’s supposed to be?? We’ve been through literally so much together by now and it’s kind of funny because like we can be sitting there and.

“remember the sburb freakout?” “GOD DAMMIT” and i love that.

@chaotic-becquerel (Met: 08/13/2018, Dating since: 01/01/19) BABE holy SHIT ITS ALMOST BEEN A YEAR???? ITS ALMOST OUR YEAR ANNIVERSARY???? IM SO EXCITED??? im gonna draw a bunch of shit for it bc im VERY gay and excited.

But anyway ur?? so calming to be around?? Ur very quiet which is something i really love about you and ive never been happier than when we’re just sitting together and your humming is slipping through your mic when youre tired and sitting up at night is so much more comforting when i can hear your breathing and know i can wake you if i need you and,, a,

ok i need to stop gushing but i,, love you,, so much,,, im so excited for it to have been a year, i love you

@andys-melancholia (Met: 5/24/19 HUH) WHAT THE FUCK DOES ‘5′ MEAN, BITCH IM GONNA KILL YOU I COULD’VE SWORN WE’VE KNOWN EACHOTHER FOR FUCKING YEARS?? HELLO??

YOURE MY SIBLING!!! KAT OMG!!

THANK YOU FOR FUCKING PUTTING THIS INTO FIC.TIONKI.NFESSION OFF ANON MY GOD. I WAS SO SCARED TO MESSAGE YOU BUT YOURE SO SWEET AND NICE AND MY GOD?? I LOVE YOU??

okokok Calm Down Time BUT a!! Kat you are MY Blue and MY sibling and not to be possessive but *hisses at everyone bad who comes near you ever*

I love u #Kantosquad <3

@honeycombjuice (Met: 12/31/16) HELLO?? ALMOST 3 YEARS?? GOD? GOD??? You and I are the embodiment of ‘met at the wrong time and re-met at a good time’ and you’re my 2nd moirail and so very important to me?? I will always love sitting with you and playing minecraft or gushing about old OCs that we both know will never truly reemerge in rps lmao.

Youre?? so sweet now, you used to be such a dick and im so Shook at how much youve changed and like, i loved u then but also i was Stupid but aw shit now ive fallen head over heels in pale for you (remember when you asked me to date you back in 2017?? fun fact i was watching a video about luigis di.ck size when you did and i almost lost my shit)

anyway i love u u piece of garbage

@ant1grav1ty (Re-met: 07/16/19) Oh SHIT its my Metal-obsessed asshole moirail! that i dont know the main blog of so i tagged ur aezthetic blog! anYWAY Im still pale for u after all this time like A Moron and i hope im doing better as a moirail this time around?? Anyway ur super fun to talk too and also?? kind of funny sometimes but like

words dont work! I have a hard time articulating my emotions and you know this (the dave kinnie jumped out) but YOURE GREAT AND I LOVE YOU!!! Haha what if i came to britain and Hugged you (or air-high-fived u if you didnt wanna be touched), haha just kidding.... unless

ANYWAY i love u

I LOVE YOU ALL SO MUCH!!! bBF BJGSG

#Leafeon Purrs #friends #gay posting

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agalarianzigzagoon · 8 years ago

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gonna put this under a read more because sara wanted me to answer them all >_>

1. Who was the last person you held hands with? i honestly have no idea. 2. Are you outgoing or shy? i’m pretty outgoing unless my anxiety is acting up. 3. Who are you looking forward to seeing? i’m potentially buying a ticket to RTX off of someone, so i’d be looking forward to seeing everyone there. 4. Are you easy to get along with? as long as you don’t give me shit, yes. 5. If you were drunk would the person you like take care of you? i wholeheartedly believe yes (after being texted multiple memes). 6. What kind of people are you attracted to? funny, caring, basically as long as you’re a fucking memer like i am we’re gucci. 7. Do you think you’ll be in a relationship two months from now? i hope so .^. 8. Who from the opposite gender is on your mind? he knows who he is :p 9. Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable? sometimes? idk it’s weird. 10. Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with? i’m p sure it was aidan because The Depression hit. 11. What does the most recent text that you sent say? “yeah this is the shit i come up with when i’m bored” to vix 12. What are your 5 favorite songs right now? everything is alright- motion city soundtrack, time won’t let me go- the bravery, breaking and entering- tonight alive, screw eyes- color therapy, the hills- the weeknd 13. Do you like it when people play with your hair? i would literally melt into a puddle. 14. Do you believe in luck and miracles? absolutely 15. What good thing happened this summer? staying up way too late playing stupid fucking video games. 16. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again? absolutely not he turned into such a scumbag holy shit 17. Do you think there is life on other planets? i dunno, but it’d be cool to find out for certain. 18. Do you still talk to your first crush? nope, i haven’t seen him since my school closed after 6th grade. 19. Do you like bubble baths? don’t have an operational bath because the pipes are cracked, but i never really took baths. 20. Do you like your neighbors? my neighbors to the left of me (if you’re looking at my house) are weird as fuck, neighbor to the left is the sweetest person you’ll ever meet 21. What are your bad habits? biting my nails, cracking my joints really loudly. 22. Where would you like to travel? i really want to go somewhere cold. i’d love to see the northern lights. 23. Do you have trust issues? very severe ones. 24. Favorite part of your daily routine? when i’m at work, coming home and being able to destress because my work environment is shit. when i’m off, going out and goofing off with niko. 25. What part of your body are you most uncomfortable with? pretty much all of it, honestly. 26. What do you do when you wake up? flop around looking for my glasses. 27. Do you wish your skin was lighter or darker? i’m fine where it is right now. 28. Who are you most comfortable around? anyone from the discord chats i’m in and the few friends i retained from high school (aka sascha and inky). 29. Have any of your ex’s told you they regret breaking up? it wasn’t even a breakup it was just “oh i moved away and mostly forgot about you” so i don’t even consider him an ex. 30. Do you ever want to get married? yeye. 31. If your hair long enough for a pony tail? that’s my hairstyle of choice. 32. Which celebrities would you have a threesome with? bitch what. no. 33. Spell your name with your chin. kzasgtkied (could be worse) 34. Do you play sports? What sports? nope, but i like screaming at hockey. 35. Would you rather live without TV or music? tv. i pretty much only keep it on as background noise anyway. 36. Have you ever liked someone and never told them? yeah, and it sucked but oh well, things happen for a reason. 37. What do you say during awkward silences? “sooooo.......” 38. Describe your dream girl/guy? funny, willing to stick by even if things get bad, likes memes as much as i do. i’m not really picky and they don’t need to have the same interests that i do because i love hearing about things that i may not have any idea about. 39. What are your favorite stores to shop in? i really don’t have any? 40. What do you want to do after high school? well i’m already out of high school and all i know its not working this shitty minimum wage job. 41. Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance? yes, unless they’ve already taken those chances for granted or done something severe. 42. If your being extremely quiet what does it mean? that i’m extremely upset. 43. Do you smile at strangers? i try to. 44. Trip to outer space or bottom of the ocean? outer space. 45. What makes you get out of bed in the morning? usually the fact i have to go to work, but if not, the pup. 46. What are you paranoid about? the people i care about not actually caring about me. that’s my main fear. 47. Have you ever been high? that’s a hard no. 48. Have you ever been drunk? twice. once on new year’s eve 2016 and then in january for my birthday. 49. Have you done anything recently that you hope nobody finds out about? not that i can think of. 50. What was the colour of the last hoodie you wore? yellow. 51. Ever wished you were someone else? hasn’t everyone? 52. One thing you wish you could change about yourself? i wish i wasn’t so anxious over things. 53. Favourite makeup brand? i don’t really wear makeup but I like covergirl and prestige eyeliner. 54. Favourite store? as cringy as it is, gamestop and hot topic. but i don’t go out much. 55. Favourite blog? there’s a LOT. 56. Favourite colour? purple and blue. 57. Favourite food? chicken. 58. Last thing you ate? grape freeze pop. 59. First thing you ate this morning? bagel with cream cheese. 60. Ever won a competition? For what? i got third place in a spelling bee in 5th grade and got first place at both regionals and states for pjas (basically a pa statewide science competition). 61. Been suspended/expelled? For what? i got an ISS for socking a kid who later became my crush in the nose in 4th grade because he was annoying me. 62. Been arrested? For what? nope. 63. Ever been in love? absolutely and it’s the best feeling i’ve ever felt. 64. Tell us the story of your first kiss? it was on the way back from a band competition, and we were all crammed onto a school bus. we were sitting in a seat together and i was tired so i kinda dozed off a little but when i woke up i was like “fucking kiss him god damn it you’ve been dating for like a month and a half” and i just DID. 65. Are you hungry right now? a little. 66. Do you like your tumblr friends more than your real friends? i don’t really have too many “tumblr friends” that aren’t also my real friends. 67. Facebook or Twitter? facebook because i love reading the drama. 68. Twitter or Tumblr? twitter tumblr is a fucking cesspool. 69. Are you watching tv right now? just as background noise. 70. Names of your bestfriends? (most will be their online names) there’s like three sarahs/saras, vix, bonk, d, rose, rory, inky, james, aidan, quartz, bunn, hal, and cheese. (i have so many online friends holy fuck.) 71. Craving something? What? the sweet embrace of death. nah but for real like... watermelon or just fruit in general. 72. What colour are your towels? i have a blue one, a red one, and a yellow one. 72. How many pillows do you sleep with? two usually. 73. Do you sleep with stuffed animals? not anymore. 74. How many stuffed animals do you think you have? probably a good amount but they’re all in the attic. 75. Favourite animal? i love pretty much all animals but i love dogs/wolves/foxes. 76. What colour is your underwear? white. 77. Chocolate or Vanilla? why not both? 78. Favourite ice cream flavour? chocolate peanut butter swirl or mint chocolate chip. 79. What colour shirt are you wearing? reddish-magentaish? 80. What colour pants? blue. 81. Favourite tv show? my favorite of all time will always be siberia. 82. Favourite movie? twister or edward scissor hands 83. Mean Girls or Mean Girls 2? mean girls. 84. Mean Girls or 21 Jump Street? I’ve never seen 21 jump street all the way through so mean girls again. 85. Favourite character from Mean Girls? don’t really have one, but if i had to pick, janis. 86. Favourite character from Finding Nemo? crush because who doesn’t love stoner turtles? 87. First person you talked to today? i think it was my mom. 88. Last person you talked to today? one of the many sarahs i call my friends. 89. Name a person you hate? if i say it i’ll probably get arrested lmfao. 90. Name a person you love? @riones-lair :* 91. Is there anyone you want to punch in the face right now? i’m always ready to punch someone. 92. In a fight with someone? not that i know of. 93. How many sweatpants do you have? probably 5 or 6. 94. How many sweaters/hoodies do you have? an unnecessary amount. probably 17 or 18. we collect hoodies like they're going out of style. 95. Last movie you watched? probably one of the harry potter movies 96. Favourite actress? don’t really have one. 97. Favourite actor? johnny depp because of edward scissorhands. 98. Do you tan a lot? no, i burn and i burn badly. 99. Have any pets? niko who is a massive neapolitan mastiff that farts a lot. 100. How are you feeling? sleepy and in pain. 101. Do you type fast? when i get really into doing something i can type so fast you would not believe. 102. Do you regret anything from your past? a lot of things, but the past is the past. can’t do anything about it. 103. Can you spell well? i like to think i do. 104. Do you miss anyone from your past? of course, but they’re in the past for a reason. 105. Ever been to a bonfire party? a few times, my grandmother has a big backyard and we’d have bonfires back there. 106. Ever broken someone’s heart? i don’t think so. 107. Have you ever been on a horse? yes, his name was macaroni and i loved him very much. 108. What should you be doing? SLEEPING. 109. Is something irritating you right now? the slight headache i have going on. 110. Have you ever liked someone so much it hurt? once but then i realized it wasn’t worth the pain. 111. Do you have trust issues? didn’t i get asked this before? but yes. 112. Who was the last person you cried in front of? i don’t remember physically but while talking to someone it was quartz, aidan, and aidan’s girlfriend sarah. 113. What was your childhood nickname? usually only ever called kate. 114. Have you ever been out of your province/state? farthest i’ve ever been out of state is alabama. 115. Do you play the Wii? i used to, not so much anymore. 116. Are you listening to music right now? i was but now i’m watching a twitch stream. 117. Do you like chicken noodle soup? yesssss. 118. Do you like Chinese food? certain types make me sick but for the most part yes. 119. Favourite book? the entire Maximum Ride series. 120. Are you afraid of the dark? not really? 121. Are you mean? really only if people are mean to me. 122. Is cheating ever okay? no. never. 123. Can you keep white shoes clean? for a while, all shoes inevitably get dirty. 124. Do you believe in love at first sight? yes. 125. Do you believe in true love? yes. 126. Are you currently bored? somewhat. 127. What makes you happy? drawing, writing, talking to people that care about me. 128. Would you change your name? if i could get my full first name shortened to my nickname that’d be good enough for me. 129. What your zodiac sign? capricoooooorn. 130. Do you like subway? sweet onion chicken teriyaki all the way. 131. Your best friend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do? tell him i have a boyfriend and that he should have said something like a year and a half ago lmfao. 132. Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with? pretty sure i was asked this too? but yeah, aidan. 133. Favourite lyrics right now? “i am so homesick for someone that i never knew/ i am so homesick now for someplace that i’ll never be” 134. Can you count to one million? it’ll take forever, but yeah. 135. Dumbest lie you ever told? i’ve told a bunch of stupid fucking lies holy shit. 136. Do you sleep with your doors open or closed? closed. 137. How tall are you? 5′6″, i’m short. 138. Curly or Straight hair? wavy. 139. Brunette or Blonde? dirty blonde. 140. Summer or Winter? winter. 141. Night or Day? night 142. Favourite month? october. 143. Are you a vegetarian? absolutely not. 144. Dark, milk or white chocolate? milk and white. 145. Tea or Coffee? tea. 146. Was today a good day? surprisingly, yes. 147. Mars or Snickers? you’re asking mars or mars. snickers, though. 148. What’s your favourite quote? as corny as it is, i love “don’t cry because it’s over, smile because it happened.” 149. Do you believe in ghosts? definitely. 150. Get the closest book next to you, open it to page 42, what’s the first line on that page? “Up!” - The Lake House

#here you go sara #cutesymikey

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hobiconfetti · 8 years ago

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🎉🎊🎉🎊questions tag🎉🎊🎉🎊

the sweetest bean @hugsforhobi tagged me ~

❀ nickname: technically my name (Mickey) is a nickname that i’ve had since i was a wee babe. it’s p. rare for anyone to call me by my birth name

❀ star sign: ok well im technically a capricorn but im kind of on the cusp, and I literally have the opposite personality of a capricorn so i identify w aquarius

❀ height: 5′6″

❀ time right now: 12:06 AM

❀ last thing I googled: shoppers drug mart. p. dissappointing i was hoping for something cringey

❀ favourite music artists: w0w okay, ~ ♡ BTS ♡, beirut, tokyo police club, kishi bashi, autoheart, her space holiday, hyukoh, porter robinson, shawn wasabi ~ tbh a lot of the K/J pop i listen to is random songs from random artists

❀ song stuck in your head: run for those hills by tom rosenthal and i have no idea why. great song though!

❀ last movie you watched: anastasia w my brother on christmas ^^

❀ last show you watched: i was watching the bts episode of afterschool club again, but as for non-bts related, that would be the office

❀ what you are wearing right now: a vintage wintery sweater w leggings

❀ when did you create your blog: this blog is a new bby (i started late november) but i’ve had an aesthetic blog for a looong time

❀ what kind of stuff do you post: exclusively hobi w occasional pictures of flowers and scenery that reminds me of him (⸝⸝ᵕᴗᵕ⸝⸝)

❀ any other blogs: yep I have a personal/aesthetic blog but this blog is my bby

❀ do you get asks regularly: not really, i’d say i get more ims than anything but hey hmu ♥( ´罒`*)

❀ why did you choose your url: bc it’s two of my favourite things ^^ i honestly love my url im so blessed

❀ gender: female

❀ hogwarts house: ravenclaw

❀ pokemon team: as in pokemon go? im not even sure what this is refering to but? i’ve played a lot of pokemon in my day but I never got into pokemon go?? anyway if i had to pick i’d say team mystic

❀ favourite colour: lime green

❀ average hours of sleep: probably like 9

❀ lucky numbers: i don’t believe in luck but i like the numbers 2 and 17

❀ favourite character: im quite partial to kirby and yoshi. also ice king from adventure time. i think in general i tend to like characters that are the underdog, if that makes any sense. what a broad question tho holy man

❀ how many blankets do you sleep with: 3 or 4, i live in a cold place ^^

❀ dream job: i want to be a successful visual artist and esl teacher. i also think it’d be p. cool to be a comedian but idk if i would pursue that

❀ following: 317 honestly there’s so many good bts blogs ily guys

as always i’m sorry if you’ve been tagged in this 10000x already but i want to tag @blood-sweat-and-sin @hobiece @sunflower-hobi @delusional-melon

if i’ve tagged you multiple times it just means that i lov u extra ( ˘ ³˘(◡‿◡˶)

and also that i can’t remember shit

#tagged #good night my sweet bbies #time to dream of hob

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underabr0kensky · 8 years ago

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This is fucking long but people seem to like when I do these like surveys

1. Who was the last person you held hands with? Honestly I’m not sure. It’s been quite a while. Probably Lila, but we don’t even talk anymore thankfully lol

2. Are you outgoing or shy? Outgoing normally. Sometimes I’m shy if I’m out of my element.

3. Who are you looking forward to seeing? OZGE. Fucking plane tickets are so expensive.

4. Are you easy to get along with? For the most part yeah, but if our views clash I can get kinda opinionated.

5. If you were drunk would the person you like take care of you? She’d probably tuck me in and lie down with me and stroke my hair tbh. And maybe force me to drink water :P

6. What kind of people are you attracted to? Anyone who is intelligent, artistic, creative, open-minded, inquisitive, and likes to have conversations.

7. Do you think you’ll be in a relationship two months from now? Probably not an “official” relationship, but hey. :)

8. Who from the opposite gender is on your mind? Ahaha, she knows who she is.

9. Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable? Nope. I’m so open about it some people get uncomfortable though.

10. Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with? Ozge :). It was about serial killers haha

11. What does the most recent text that you sent say? “Sammy burgers lol”

12. What are your 5 favorite songs right now? I can’t pink really. But there’s one song by Takeo Ischi about yodeling to chickens that I’m pretty obsessed with.

13. Do you like it when people play with your hair? Fucking yes. It’s really relaxing.

14. Do you believe in luck and miracles? Luck, yes, sort of. Miracles not so much.

15. What good thing happened this summer? Well, the past summer was easily the worst of my life. But hopefully this one will be better.

16. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again? Nah.

17. Do you think there is life on other planets? I think the universe is too fucking huge for us to be alone.

18. Do you still talk to your first crush? Nope, but I still remember her name.

19. Do you like bubble baths? Nah. Gimme a nice hot shower.

20. Do you like your neighbors? I don’t know them. But they have cows that I moo at sometimes.

21. What are you bad habits? Drinking, eating/drinking shitty food, and driving like a fucking maniac.

22. Where would you like to travel? Europe. Specifically Germany. Specifically Berlin. <3

23. Do you have trust issues? Holy shit, yeah.

24. Favorite part of your daily routine? Getting off fucking work.

25. What part of your body are you most uncomfortable with? My smile, I suppose. I don’t like it.

26. What do you do when you wake up? Curse god for giving me a job that gets me out of bed at 5 AM.

27. Do you wish your skin was lighter or darker? I’m cool with my skin tone.

28. Who are you most comfortable around? Phil, Trey, Ozge, and Sasha.

29. Have any of your ex’s told you they regret breaking up? Yeah, usually after they cheated on me. Bitches.

30. Do you ever want to get married? Yes I do.

31. Is your hair long enough for a pony tail? Yep. It’s tied into a half-pony right now.

32. Which celebrities would you have a threesome with? Emma Stone and Emma Watson.

33. Spell your name with your chin. cvolnnberrt

34. Do you play sports? What sports? I’m into boxing, that’s really it. I like watching football though.

35. Would you rather live without TV or music? TV. I barely watch TV anyway, I’d kill myself without music.

36. Have you ever liked someone and never told them? Yep, a couple of times.

37. What do you say during awkward silences? I usually just let them go, silence is nice.

38. Describe your dream girl/guy? Reference the earlier question that asked what my “type” is or something to that effect. Lucky me, I know someone like that :)

39. What are your favorite stores to shop in? I don’t really have a favorite, but I go to Kroger a lot.

40. What do you want to do after high school? I haven’t been in high school since 2011, but back then I just wanted to go to college.

41. Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance? No, not everyone.

42. If your being extremely quiet what does it mean? Probably that I’m tired, pissed off, or just sad.

43. Do you smile at strangers? Sometimes, if I’m in a good mood.

44. Trip to outer space or bottom of the ocean? That’s actually hard. Outer space, but I’d love to go to the ocean floor.

45. What makes you get out of bed in the morning? My alarm. And a certain person. :)

46. What are you paranoid about? Being alone/being replaced/someone getting bored/tired of me.

47. Have you ever been high? Yeah. I’m not really a fan.

48. Have you ever been drunk? I get drunk a fucking lot.

49. Have you done anything recently that you hope nobody finds out about? Nah. I haven’t done any super secret spy missions or anything.

50. What was the colour of the last hoodie you wore? Black and red plaid.

51. Ever wished you were someone else? Yeah, a few times.

52. One thing you wish you could change about yourself? My fucking LOCATION.

53. Favourite makeup brand? I don’t wear makeup, son. I’m too cheap for that shit.

54. Favourite store? I dunno. Probably Hastings.

55. Favourite blog? @am-i-evil Seriously she makes really cool gifsets.

56. Favourite colour? Black.

57. Favourite food? Lasagna.

58. Last thing you ate? Mac and cheese.

59. First thing you ate this morning? PB+J.

60. Ever won a competition? For what? Yeah, I’ve won several spelling bees.

61. Been suspended/expelled? For what? I got in-school suspension a couple of times for skipping detentions that I got for skipping class. I skipped a lot. Fuck the po po.

62. Been arrested? For what? Nope. We almost got arrested for arson once though because we were tossing Lysol cans into a bonfire and watching them explode.

63. Ever been in love? Yeah, I have.

64. Tell us the story of your first kiss? I liked her for like a year, she moved to another county and another school, we randomly ran into each other in Wal-Mart, and we went back to the garden section to talk and ended up kissing. I was 14.

65. Are you hungry right now? Nope, I just ate.

66. Do you like your tumblr friends more than your real friends? I like them as much as my best friends.

67. Facebook or Twitter? Facebook, but I don’t really like either.

68. Twitter or Tumblr? Tumblr motherfucker.

69. Are you watching tv right now? Nope.

70. Names of your bestfriends? Phil, Trey, Ozge.

71. Craving something? What? A trip to Germany and a shot of vodka.

72. What colour are your towels? Tan or grey.

72. How many pillows do you sleep with? Two.

73. Do you sleep with stuffed animals? Yeah, I have a stuffed Grim Reaper and two stuffed cars.

74. How many stuffed animals do you think you have? Like 5.

75. Favourite animal? Cat. Or maybe snek.

76. What colour is your underwear? Right now I’m just wearing pajama shorts. No underwear, you pervert.

77. Chocolate or Vanilla? Vanilla.

78. Favourite ice cream flavour? Heath bar.

79. What colour shirt are you wearing? Black.

80. What colour pants? Dark blue.

81. Favourite tv show? House M.D.

82. Favourite movie? Goodfellas.

83. Mean Girls or Mean Girls 2? Mean Girls.

84. Mean Girls or 21 Jump Street? 21 Jump Street.

85. Favourite character from Mean Girls? I don’t remember names. I’m not THAT big a fan.

86. Favourite character from Finding Nemo? Crush.

87. First person you talked to today? Ozge. :)

88. Last person you talked to today? Also Ozge.

89. Name a person you hate? Logan.

90. Name a person you love? Ozge.

91. Is there anyone you want to punch in the face right now? There always is.

92. In a fight with someone? Nah, not currently.

93. How many sweatpants do you have? None actually.

94. How many sweaters/hoodies do you have? I think 4.

95. Last movie you watched? The Rookie.

96. Favourite actress? Emma Watson.

97. Favourite actor? RDJ, Johnny Depp, or Leo DiCaprio.

98. Do you tan a lot? I do.

99. Have any pets? Nah, unfortunately.

100. How are you feeling? I’m good :)

101. Do you type fast? Yeah, 200+ words a minute last time I checked.

102. Do you regret anything from your past? Yes, a few things.

103. Can you spell well? I have won spelling bees. I told you this.

104. Do you miss anyone from your past? Yeah, of course I do.

105. Ever been to a bonfire party? Yeah! They’re fun as fuck.

106. Ever broken someone’s heart? I have, unfortunately.

107. Have you ever been on a horse? Mhmm. It was interesting.

108. What should you be doing? Getting ready to pick my dad up.

109. Is something irritating you right now? Yes. It’s fucking hot.

110. Have you ever liked someone so much it hurt? I do right now.

111. Do you have trust issues? You asked me this. This is why I have trust issues you piece of shit.

112. Who was the last person you cried in front of? I honestly have no idea.

113. What was your childhood nickname? “Bob-o”

114. Have you ever been out of your province/state? Yeah, many many times.

115. Do you play the Wii? Nope. I hate Nintendo.

116. Are you listening to music right now? Yes. The chicken yodeling.

117. Do you like chicken noodle soup? Yeah!

118. Do you like Chinese food? Sometimes. I’m picky about it.

119. Favourite book? Bag of Bones by Stephen King.

120. Are you afraid of the dark? Nope. I like it.

121. Are you mean? I can be if I’m pissed, but usually I’m nice or so I’m told.

122. Is cheating ever okay? Fucking no.

123. Can you keep white shoes clean? Hell no.

124. Do you believe in love at first sight? Not really, but I definitely believe in mutual attraction/chemistry at first sight.

125. Do you believe in true love? Yes.

126. Are you currently bored? Nah :)

127. What makes you happy? Music, Ozge, food, alcohol.

128. Would you change your name? Nope.

129. What your zodiac sign? Libra.

130. Do you like subway? It’s okay.

131. Your bestfriend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do? Well, I mean. I like her back. Soooo. I guess I’d do that.

132. Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with? Ozge. You asked me this too, fuckface.

133. Favourite lyrics right now? THE CHICKEN YODELING, DUDE

134. Can you count to one million? Yes, but fuck me I’d get bored.

135. Dumbest lie you ever told? Some stupid shit about my friend having a bad dream when he was rolling around drunk and being loud.

136. Do you sleep with your doors open or closed? Closed. Fuck open doors.

137. How tall are you? 6′

138. Curly or Straight hair? Wavy. Happy medium.

139. Brunette or Blonde? Brunette.

140. Summer or Winter? Summer. I fucking hate cold.

141. Night or Day? Night.

142. Favourite month? October.

143. Are you a vegetarian? Hell no, I am damn near a carnivore.

144. Dark, milk or white chocolate? White.

145. Tea or Coffee? Those are both gross.

146. Was today a good day? Yes it was.

147. Mars or Snickers? Snickers.

148. What’s your favourite quote? “I choose to live rather than just exist”

149. Do you believe in ghosts? I’d like to, but I’ve never had any proof.

150. Get the closest book next to you, open it to page 42, what’s the first line on that page? “The Russian prisoners who had been incarcerated in this open-air camp were given no food or water.”

#personal #survey #about me #fuck yeah

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defunctblogtobedeleted · 8 years ago

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5/7/17, 1:53am - and now taking time from my busy day to bring you the Tyler Blog

wow, it’s been a hot minute.

Whelp there’s a lot to write about and not a lot of memory in my life, so I’m just gonna give it a whirl and see how it goes.

First off, today I came one step closer to finally finding out where Sonic accurately ranks on my fast food tier list. I’ve eaten at sonic like maybe three times in my life tops, and two of them were today and last week. Last week got a burger and fries, today I got a chicken sandwich and onion rings. Now, I must say that to accurately rank Sonic I have yet to try their hot dogs, maybe even a fourth entree or something, but I can say with full confidence that Sonic is D tier fast food, C tier at best. Holy shit, man. Everything tastes like it’s been on the grill a little too long, gets that kinda burnt taste onto it. Which is charming in Cookout because it’s coupled with actually flavorful food and like higher quality burger patties and fluffy buns, but here it just kinda falls flat. Something about the bun, man. I love how they actually put some effort into putting it onto the grill, but the potato-bread consistency is gross and mushy and makes everything in the sandwich feel like mush to me. I think the real issue is the condiments might be too big relative to the meat? Or maybe it’s just bad. Eating this chicken sandwich today all I could think was “this is the wendy’s chicken sandwich if it were hungover as fuck.” Fries were alright, they’re like the dream fries you hope for during lunch in high school. The onion rings are Actually delicious, super sweet and crispy, pair well with the honey mustard, but almost too sweet to eat a whole bag of. I’m sure the tots are solid and I just feel spoiled by costco hot dogs how is shit so expensive everywhere else.

Alright I’m done with that shit lmao. So like...shit where do I even start? the past? The present? I was talking to jimmy about conceptualizing the dimensions and that neat little youtube video, and said something stupid like the past and future is all a constant, nothing matters. We were talking about the big bang and recursive progression into the destruction of the world until it collapsed and started over again. Who knows, man. Maybe nothingness is cool.

Anyway let’s do a little personal assessment. I was doing excellent on my diet until like the last time I posted, then starting to live in gboro and wanting to try out places to eat there transitioned into going to visit the fam in VA to see my little brother’s performance and Darlin fed me way too much while I was there so I’m like off the wagon sort of lol. I was up to like 146 the other day, 143 when I checked like yesterday lemme run and weigh myself rq. Ate a bunch of pizza at work yesterday and fast food today, but I’m only at 145.0 in my work clothes. So that means I’m at like 143 with food weight, which means if I really really want to push it I could get back into a fast and trim off a a pound or two before lake week in 11 days. Sounds like a whole lotta effort and I’m not really feeling that much these days though. Looking super great, that’s what’s really important lol. Idk I kinda like fasting or at least dieting a little bit before I go somewhere I know I’m gonna be taking pics like mom’s or this because I always feel like I stuff myself and then I’ll take pictures like the one of me at thanksgiving that I’m embarassed by because of my tummy.

Whatever whatever, I’m looking great though, the point is I’m not really concerned as much anymore. Possibly a reflection of the change of scenery, maybe because I hit my goal and am satisfied, maybe it’s because I’m hopping on tinder again and a solid handful of girls are blowing me up, who knows. But that’s that.

Other part of the status update, yesterday... well. day before yesterday? Yeah I guess. Cinco de mayo was my randomly self declared last pack of cigarettes. See what had happened was I realized I wasn’t all that stressed out anymore about the moving thing now that things have been going so well, and my boss calls me in to stay late after work and have a meeting with him. He says I fucked up and didn’t respond to my patient quickly enough and was smelling like smoke and said that I could get fired and yadda yadda yadda irresponsible and shit. So i’m like yeah fine sure that makes sense, I don’t want people to die while I’m out taking a smoke break. I’m past the days of calling semi-reasonable-but-hypocritical shit bullshit to my boss’s face so I ate that shit up with a smile and decided that if I couldn’t smoke at my new job [still same old job, still just new location] then fuckit it’s not worth my time. I don’t need to be craving for it since i can’t do it. So I went to the store immediately afterward and meant to buy what I decided was going to be my last pack of cigarettes. The clerk wasn’t there for like 5 minutes me and some guy were laughing about him being asleep on the toilet or some shit, so I decided to just say fuckit and I swiped the pack instead of just deciding I didn’t need it lmao. Wrote a nice little greentext story to one of my group chats about how cigarettes make you a bad person but I’m not gonna copy it over too lazy. Anyway, I was straight chugging cigs with people that day. Had to balance my high out lmao I was smoking all day with spencer and davis, played some ssx tricky [sucked balls. still hate ps2], did really meh at the tournament but had fun playing dubz with spencer. Kinda sad I didn’t hard carry him so that he wouldn’t hate dubz anymore but whatever. Had a nice little crew come over after and got to hang out with christian and michael for the first time in a long time. Might not see christian again now that he’s graduated. that shit’s so weird. Railed him in dubz with dylan for a long time too hahaha fuck that might be the last time I do that, too. Team This House went undefeated for like 30 games that night, we kicked some ass. Even if it’s not true I believe it now hahaha.

But yeah, so that’s the biggest status update of all. I was talking to Darlin and Mom about my living situation with Ashleigh and how great it was and they were asking me about my plans to move out. I was like damn, I hadn’t even thought about it. So I told them I wanted to try to be out by the end of the month and we’re gonna try to roll with that. Gonna see if they find a roommate and when they do I’m gonna get a storage unit, get my shit out of there and stop paying rent. Which is neat, I can throw that money to Ashleigh or my car or something. Pretty pumped to be a little more liquid tbh.

I crashed in Ash’s bed this morning because she was laying on the couch when I got in, and I just laid there thinking “yknow it’s kind of strange that I’ve always felt more at home in someone else’s bed than my own.” I wonder if it’s completely true, even. My old high school bed was my mom’s, and even then I was always trying to have tons of people over to cuddle up with. Maybe That’s it, is when I’m alone in my own bed there’s no chance someone will get in with me on their own. I Was kinda hoping that ashleigh would want to jump into her bed with me too and we could just lay around together hahaha. Platonically, of course. I swear. I swear I swear. Not to you, random reader, but to myself. hahaha it’s super neat having a girl that’s just a friend, I feel like I haven’t had one of those in an eternity. Well I mean Irene I guess, but we’ve also never hung out alone. and there are plenty of friend’s gfs but that definitely doesn’t count.

Anyway so I’ll just transition out of that bit into describing life in greensboro I guess. I’ve only spent like two weeks here, Aaron called it a little staycation lol. The commute’s only like 24 mins, which is way better than the hour to or from raleigh. Ashleigh has a nice little one bedroom living room bathroom, and there’s a common area for the apartment with a kitchen and laundry. It’s honestly a little strange turning behind myself to lock the doors up, but I can jive with it. I mean Gboro is admittedly full of some jank. Not that any city isn’t. A lot of my free time has been either laying around watching tv [should switch to tv and melee practice now that I’ve brought a setup over lol], or hanging out at will’s/chris’s/Geeksboro to play melee, or walking somewhere to get food, or eventually once Ash and Aaron get off work I’ll join them at bars for drinks. Those cuteys are so sweet, first of all, it seems like they really care about each other and I fucking love it. Also they constantly remind me of myself, which is weird, but I also love it. Like Aaron even knew how to play Gauntlet [which we played at boxcar for a while the other day], and that’s like one of the rarer Tyler traits. Also also I was out of sorts for a bit because they keep wanting to buy me drinks and shit all the time. At first I was like are they coddling me? are they trying to baby me? Am I a charity case? Am I just going to be an eternal bum? And I realized maybe. But then I realized more importantly they’re just doing what I would do and I fucking love it lmao.

Like what really drove it home was the other night I went out on this netflix-n-chill date with this girl [more on that later], dropped her off, went out to meet Aaron. Ashleigh’s at home sick, so we’re drinking with our friends cory and... fk... matt? Gonna have to catch his name again I’m so fucking dumb. Anyway, Aaron buys us shots, i go out to smoke a cigarette, we were talking about drugs for a sec, he pops in and out and all of a sudden just tells me to hit up the bathroom and hands me ~a gram of coke hahahaha. For a second I was thinking “who the fuck Does that? I love this man.” and then I thought back to the last time Camille visited for New Years and the day me and her did molly I ended up giving a couple points to her brother for nothing and they were just flabbergasted at me. Gave them some excuse like “man, I don’t deal drugs” and just handed it to him hahaha. So I realized “oh yeah. *I* do that.” So then I realized that since they were both me they were perfect for each other and I’m really happy for them and now I kinda hope that Aaron turns into my slightly older brother figure that I get to bro out with all the time hahahaha.

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lea-underthecut · 8 years ago

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Therapy (Updated 10/27/17)

Welll guess who broke down and finally got a therapist. C’est moi. and I finally found one that works for me! Double yay!

Sooo, guess who cried at therapy today. Again, c’est moi.

We talked about my parent’s marriage being one of the foundations of my being. The other being the house I currently live in.

I talked about how my parent’s marriage is not as great as it should be. Like, my mom was venting to me the other day how she is sick and tired of my dad not helping around the house as much as he could be. Mom also said she wasn’t feeling like she was married much less happy. So, hearing this was really not surprising in a way??? my dad is depressed so he has no energy for pretty much anything. But it was hurtful because I always want my parents to be happy and happy with each other.

Like I understand that they’re adults and they should work it out among themselves because it’s their problem, not mine, but I still wanna do what I can to at least alleviate some of my mom’s stress.

My dad is getting better about helping around the house, but he’s very selective in what he does.

It’s like my mom is the personification of anxiety and my dad is depression. It’s kinda comical in a sense.

My therapist said that I should have the foundation within myself and not attached to something outside of it.

I’m scared of that tho??? like wtf else am I going to do??? I don’t wanna!

And to think we were gonna talk about a book my therapist wanted me to read the first 3 chapters of... like geez i’m going to college all over again wtf i thought i was done with that shit. =_=

Anyway, just talking about how unhappy my mom was just trying to keep the house in working order and my dad’s lack of interest in anything outside of woodworking and actually going to work is just straining to see.

I’ve had nightmares of my parents breaking up and finding new partners and I just proceed to make the new person’s life hell and sob uncontrollably. Same with my house, but being broken or damaged or I simply can’t go back to it causes me to sob and i just can’t stop crying.

My mom says that my dad and she are roommates and that’s the level it’s come to... yeah, it’s depressing and it’s not fair for either of them.

I’ve seen kids when their parents break up and i don’t want that. I never want to be a child of divorced parents. That never turns out well at all. That’s a real terror of mine.

I’m sure other painful topics are going to some up during the course of treatment, but this was a big step for me.

Lord did i need to ugly cry after that but I didn’t cuz i had to get back to work. I have my therapy sessions during my lunch hour on thursdays. put on my big girl panties and walked out like a champ, even though i still really needed to cry.

So that’s what happened today. Nice to finally process it all. heard it was always good to keep a small diary of what you talk about in therapy.

hears to the next session.

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UPDATE 10/27 -

well it’s been a long time since i actually wrote something down here.

but this can’t wait for therapy next week.

I was talking to my therapist about my partner. I started talking about all her little quirks and things that I enjoyed about her.

Then we got to pet peeves. and HOLY FUCK.

None of them were huge, really but i’ve just been thinking about it and i can’t get it off my head until i write it out and process my feelings bout it.

My partner spends money on things I believe are not necessarily needed. She buys soda and candy all the time. of course it’s only like $3-4 but that shit adds up over the course of time! Most of what she buys are games, food, figures and nerdy stuff, gas, and obviously her student loans.

Food, gas, and student loans I understand. and by food i mean actual meals, not soda and some candy. Games and nerdy stuff isn’t needed but fucking hell it seems to me that if she doesn’t have it she’ll metaphorically die. like if something doesn’t go her way, she gets all pouty and sad for like 3 hours afterwards and be impossible to have a conversation with. 3 HOURS. I only get sad for MAYBE 10 seconds or maybe longer if it was something I truly wanted. But she acts like a child when something doesn’t go in her favor and that is UGH so frustrating because it’s childish behavior and not acceptable at the age she is at.

and i try to explain to her that she doesn’t have to spend money on things that she doesn’t actually need to fucking survive she would have a whole lot of money in her bank account right now rather than she literally living paycheck to paycheck. But hey it’s her money that she earned at her job so who am i to judge. it just pisses me off that she is constantly down on herself and whiny about not having money and me paying for mostly everything in this relationship but it takes everything in me to not yell at her to stop spending her money on games and figures and soda and candy cuz HOLY FUCK that would be devastating to her and i would feel terrible but FUCK she needs to grow up. and i know she reads this blog so i’m sure you’re upset right now but i couldn’t say it to your face because I wouldn’t be able to look at your face and how disappointed I am with some of your behavior and you’d cry and say sorry sorry sorry over and over and over again but don’t. just change your behavior IF YOU WANT TO. I cannot control you and it’s my problem that I HAVE. it has NOTHING to do with you. I just believe you’d have less money problems if you’d stop spending money on frivolous things and saving it for things you really want.

but i even have to take a grain of salt with my own reasoning because I’m literally willing to starve because i don’t want to spend money if i don’t have too.

and that’s what it comes down to. MONEY.

well and a few other things too, but money is a huge one.

but her child-like behavior is what i love and dislike about her. She’s adventurous, willing to take me off the path (much to my FUCKING CHAGRIN) and makes me question my own self-imposed rules. cuz i’ve only recently added getting my nails done at a salon for like 2 months or so -ish. but it’s like $30 a pop but they last for like a month so $30 x 12 months = $360 a YEAR. that’s like a plane ticket to see her. And I’m not wanting for money myself but UGH i just REALLY don’t like spending money if I don’t have to.

I remember not touching my $1200 laptop that i got for college because i believed I didn’t earn it.

and disliking her behavior was described earlier.

But I just want to reinforce that despite everything, she is the one I want to be with for the rest of my life. I want to marry her, I want to bed her, I want to kiss her forever. and i’m sure she has pet peeves with me.

either way, this was a great therapy through it out into the ether, kinda thing

shes just stuck. shes looking for a full time job that will pay well and i’m helping her with that. she’s been wanting to learn coding but she states she’s too physically and mentally exhausted to learn, yet she works part time and she’d rather game than try and invest something into her future.

There’s just no balance in this relationship as expectations and that just discourages me about expecting at least something worthwhile and substantial out of her. and she wants to contribute but she’s held back and stuck whether true some fault of her own or the circumstances she can’t control.

But i can only do so much to motivate her to take control of what she CAN do and will do. She’ll have to make the decisions to start bettering herself.

I’m just afraid she never will or want to.

Cuz hey, she has a well off partner that could feasibly support both of them with relatively no extra effort.

But my partner is an adult and needs to learn how to fully act like one when the situation arises.

and I need to stop treating her like a child as well. not that i have, but deep down I feel that I coddle her whether I actually am or not is unknown objectively but yeah I feel deep down I treat her like a child because she’s not as serious as me as far as maturity and that ticks me off sometimes.

It’s a double edged sword, really. I really like her adventurous spirit but she lacks the initiative to go after what she wants, be it a mental hold back or physical impediment I just see it as excuses cuz i know she is capable of doing things she wants to go after.

I just need to let it go. i can’t control her. Cannot control, cannot control, cannot control.

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ventrue-rosary · 8 years ago

Note

#tumblr ask meme All the hella cute questions (or as many as you can/want) ;)

1 - 7 answered here!

8. Who from the opposite gender is on your mind?

My bf Alex. You can assume he’s on my mind 80% of the time

9. Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable?

Hella yes I’m awkward and shy as hell

10. Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with?

My friend Zoe. She’s been an amazing friend lately (she always has been but we haven’t been friends for a while). Been there for me during some troubles

11. What does the most recent text that you sent say?

‘We will in a bit since we are going to go bed soon’. In response to room-switching with my brother for a night since Alex was staying over for comic con the following day and we both wouldn’t fit in my room

12. What are your 5 favorite songs right now?

I’ll link the youtube videos–you should listen to them!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bdVtm_ewHys

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D9a-EkU3YoM

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a0afsn_W5rk

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QslJYDX3o8s

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZWxL8fmPpfk

13. Do you like it when people play with your hair?

I looooooooooooooooooooooooooooove it!

14. Do you believe in luck and miracles?

Well luck maybe, even though I hardly get any good luck. Miracles? Not so sure

15. What good thing happened this summer?

Built my gaming PC

16. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?

Since it was Alex, yes, of course

17. Do you think there is life on other planets?

Definitely!!! Millions of galaxies out there and people honestly believe we are the only species ever to exist? Come off it

18. Do you still talk to your first crush?

19. Do you like bubble baths?

Yh but I find them too time-consuming to bother with

20. Do you like your neighbors?

My neighbors on both sides are a pain in the ass, the ones on the right side moreso though. At least the left-hand ones are polite

21. What are you bad habits?

Over-thinking, being very forgetful, having to ask people to repeat something they already told me multiple times, getting sad over things that don’t matter or haven’t even happened, begging for attention, overeating or eating nothing at all

22. Where would you like to travel?

Scotland, Ireland, America, New Zealand, Italy, France, Iceland and Japan

23. Do you have trust issues?

LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO definitely

24. Favorite part of your daily routine?

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

25. What part of your body are you most uncomfortable with?

All of it

26. What do you do when you wake up?

Go back to sleep, or if I have to be somewhere begrudgingly get up and think about how tired I am

27. Do you wish your skin was lighter or darker?

Well my skin is so pale I have trouble finding good concealer and foundation that matches, so if I could get darker to the stage I can find good makeup I’d love that

28. Who are you most comfortable around?

Probably Alex. I’m always a tad uncomfortable around people though because of my anxiety

29. Have any of your ex’s told you they regret breaking up?

No, only had one ex and we ended on ok terms and we’d only been dating for like a day

30. Do you ever want to get married?

I’d love to

31. Is your hair long enough for a pony tail?

Yup

32. Which celebrities would you have a threesome with?

I’d never be comfortable having a threesome

33. Spell your name with your chin.

asmnjytyt. Was supposed to say Amy. I tried

34. Do you play sports? What sports?

Nope, not athletic and I hate sports

35. Would you rather live without TV or music?

TV. I don’t really watch it tbh

36. Have you ever liked someone and never told them?

Yup

37. What do you say during awkward silences?

Usually nothing I’m pretty ok with silence

38. Describe your dream girl/guy?

One word: Alex

39. What are your favorite stores to shop in?

I like Quiggins, this alternative fashion store in my town, and Worlds Apart–the only good things about my city lol. GAME, HMV, Forbidden Planet and Primark I frequent too. Tons of other places online but we’d be here all day if I listed them

40. What do you want to do after high school?

Graduated 3 years ago

41. Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance?

No. Some people are beyond forgiveness

42. If your being extremely quiet what does it mean?

I’m usually pretty quiet anyways so its just me being me

43. Do you smile at strangers?

Hell no thats weird

44. Trip to outer space or bottom of the ocean?

SPAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACE

45. What makes you get out of bed in the morning?

Responsibilities and anxiety teaming up on me

46. What are you paranoid about?

Everything that could possibly go wrong rn

47. Have you ever been high?

48. Have you ever been drunk?

49. Have you done anything recently that you hope nobody finds out about?

Don’t think so

50. What was the colour of the last hoodie you wore?

Black

51. Ever wished you were someone else?

All the time

52. One thing you wish you could change about yourself?

EVERYTHING

53. Favourite makeup brand?

Don’t really wear it

54. Favourite store?

Oooooooh. Can’t decide

55. Favourite blog?

Follow too many good ones

56. Favourite colour?

Black, blue, red, white and purple

57. Favourite food?

Pizza, pasta, cake, chocolate, cheesecake and sushi

58. Last thing you ate?

Shreddies with sugar on top

59. First thing you ate this morning?

Shreddies with sugar on to[

60. Ever won a competition? For what?

Uhh on this cook-off we had on school where we had to prepare a three-course meal and my dessert won. I made green tea ice cream and everyone loved it

61. Been suspended/expelled? For what?

No, I kept my nose clean in school

62. Been arrested? For what?

Never

63. Ever been in love?

Yup, and I still am

64. Tell us the story of your first kiss?

It was when I was 18. Had a party at my friends house to celebrate us finishing school. She lived pretty far from the rest of us so we stayed over. She lived ina pretty big house but a lot of us had to share beds and the like. I shared one with my new boyfriend, who ad literally asked me out like three hours ago. I wanted to sleep but I think he wanted something else. We kissed, he slipped me the tongue and started pulling at my clothes. I pulled away and asked him what he was doing. He said he didn’t know. Then we just lay down and tried to sleep. He slept easily, I didn’t get any lol

65. Are you hungry right now?

No I just ate

66. Do you like your tumblr friends more than your real friends?

I guess??

67. Facebook or Twitter?

Twitter

68. Twitter or Tumblr?

Tumblr

69. Are you watching tv right now?

70. Names of your bestfriends?

(^:

71. Craving something? What?

Too not be tired constantly. To know I am loved and wanted. A cat

72. What colour are your towels?

We have a wide range of colours, mostly blue though

72. How many pillows do you sleep with?

Two

73. Do you sleep with stuffed animals?

I have a load by my pillow

74. How many stuffed animals do you think you have?

7/8. Either way not enough

75. Favourite animal?

Cats, dogs, pandas, red pandas, raccoons, sugar gliders, hamsters, rabbits, japanese flying dwarf squirrels, bearded dragons, geckos, budgies, owls, harvest mice, lemmings, wolves and foxes

76. What colour is your underwear?

Black

77. Chocolate or Vanilla?

Chocolate

78. Favourite ice cream flavour?

Chocolate fudge brownie

79. What colour shirt are you wearing?

Not wearing one rn

80. What colour pants?

Not wearing pants either

81. Favourite tv show?

Game of Thrones, Breaking Bad, FMA, PMMM, Mob Psycho 100, Boku no Hero Academia, JoJo’s Bizarre Adventures, RWBY and One Punch Man

82. Favourite movie?

You Name, Lord of the Rings, The Hobbit, Ju-On, Ringu, Repo! The Genetic Opera, Nolan’ Batman trilogy and more I can’t really remember now…

83. Mean Girls or Mean Girls 2?

Haven’t even seen the second one

84. Mean Girls or 21 Jump Street?

Mean Girls I guess

85. Favourite character from Mean Girls?

Whats with all the mean girls question? I was really never that invested in that movie lol

86. Favourite character from Finding Nemo?

Wouldn’t say I have one thetyy were all pretty forgettable

87. First person you talked to today?

My mum

88. Last person you talked to today?

Its only 11am

89. Name a person you hate?

I don’t exactly hate anyone who I know directly

90. Name a person you love?

Alex and all my friends!

91. Is there anyone you want to punch in the face right now?

Lord Dampnut

92. In a fight with someone?

93. How many sweatpants do you have?

None

94. How many sweaters/hoodies do you have?

At least 8 hoodies, I think

95. Last movie you watched?

Doctor Strange

96. Favourite actress?

Don’t have one

97. Favourite actor?

Don’t have one

98. Do you tan a lot?

No I just burn

99. Have any pets?

One dog

100. How are you feeling?

Tired, a lil nauseous. Thats the norm when you live with chronic fatigue syndrome though

101. Do you type fast?

102. Do you regret anything from your past?

I wish I stood up for myself more, and didn’t take shit from anyone, no matter who they were

103. Can you spell well?

I know how to spell pretty well but I still make an appalling amount of typos. Thats just more to do with my garbage-tier typing skills though

104. Do you miss anyone from your past?

I guess? I’m learning to live without them though

105. Ever been to a bonfire party?

No but I’ve always kinda wanted to

106. Ever broken someone’s heart?

Don’t think so

107. Have you ever been on a horse?

108. What should you be doing?

Coursework

109. Is something irritating you right now?

The bm-ing bastards on hearthstone

110. Have you ever liked someone so much it hurt?

Yup

111. Do you have trust issues?

Haven’t I already answered this?

112. Who was the last person you cried in front of?

My family when I went to my uncle’s funeral

113. What was your childhood nickname?

I didn’t really have one

114. Have you ever been out of your province/state?

Yup, for holidays

115. Do you play the Wii?

Used to

116. Are you listening to music right now?

My fire playlist on youtube. Mostly weeby shit

117. Do you like chicken noodle soup?

Its aight

118. Do you like Chinese food?

YES119. Favourite book?

The Way of Kings by Brandon Sanderson, Game of Thrones, and Snickets A Series of Unfortunate Events

120. Are you afraid of the dark?

Kinda. I think I read somwhere that every human is engineered to be wary of the dark

121. Are you mean?

122. Is cheating ever okay?

123. Can you keep white shoes clean?

I can’t even keep black shoes clean so probs not

124. Do you believe in love at first sight?

125. Do you believe in true love?

Yes

126. Are you currently bored?

Not really. I have enough to keep me occupied

127. What makes you happy?

Cute animals, video games, music, good food and good company

128. Would you change your name?

Probably not

129. What your zodiac sign?

Aries

130. Do you like subway?

Yes

131. Your bestfriend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do?

Idk. Try to be respectful of their feelings and try not to alienate them or make them feel weird

132. Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with?

Again this question has been repeated

133. Favourite lyrics right now?

I was raised in a deep dark hole,

A prisoner with no parole.

They locked me up and took my soul

(Ashamed of what they made)

134. Can you count to one million?

Yes but I’m not going to. What a complete waste of time

135. Dumbest lie you ever told?

Idk I say a lot of dumb shit

136. Do you sleep with your doors open or closed?

Closed

137. How tall are you?

5′9″

138. Curly or Straight hair?

I have wavy hair but I usually straighten it. I prefer curly hair though, I just can’t get my hair to cooperate

139. Brunette or Blonde?

Brunette

140. Summer or Winter?

Winter I guess

141. Night or Day?

Night

142. Favourite month?

October

143. Are you a vegetarian?

144. Dark, milk or white chocolate?

Gotta be milk

145. Tea or Coffee?

Tea

146. Was today a good day?

Its only started!

147. Mars or Snickers?

Snickers. I do love me some nuts

148. What’s your favourite quote?

Don’t have one

149. Do you believe in ghosts?

Yes. After the weird shit from last year, yes.

150. Get the closest book next to you, open it to page 42, what’s the first line on that page? (via tchitsnathan)

I actually moved all my books downstairs and I’m too lazy to go get one -__-

#anonymous #ask and ye shall receive

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