#anyway hi i love u iyak

[memoirshe-blog]

❛    what  do  you  want  .    ❜

/  @emptybe  .  ♡

[tacendanoia]

Parallel lines; posting this bc worthy

Hi Angel! Eto na yung letter ko. Pasensya na at ngayon lang ha. Nandito na lahat ng sasabihin ko at walang pambobola dito hahaha. Tunay itong lahat hehe. Sinusubukan kong alalahanin lahat ng memories natin kaya kung may malimutan ako pasensya naman haha. Parallel lines Sisimulan ko sa grade 7. Nagsimula nga naman lahat sa englicom meeting. Nung nakita kita nasabi ko na lang na matalino ka kasi nga mukha kang nene noon. Di pa tayo close nun English dito English doon. Tapos science camp na. Baka dun naging close tayo ng slight. Kaso pageant lang inatupag ko noon kaya wampem binigyan ko pa ng dalawang major demerit yung subcamp natin tapos first tayo ang galing diba. Tapos dun sa envelope ng cobalt sweet but short ang message mo na gamit mo pa ay gold pen. Giyera ang Kepler at Copernicus nun kaya di tayo naging close haha. Tapos grade 8 na tayo. Masama talaga ang ugali ko nun at kinamumuhian talaga ako. Nagpatutor ako kay sir mame kasi hirap ako sa geom wala akong magets sa proving nun. Tapos nung nagpatutor ako andun kayo nina co at jade ang saya  diba. Wala pa akong masyadong tinuturuan nun sa math maliban sa boys kaya ikaw yung tinuturuan ko.(Ikaw nga ata ang una sa girls). Naging comfortable ako sa iyo nun kaso natatarayan mo ako kaya gg haha. Pero naalala ko pa nung patapos na ang grade 8 days. Feel ko talaga naging close tayo nun. Mga panahong hinihiram ko pa ang gameboy mo. Kung may Facebook lang ako nun baka naging mas close tayo. Dahil nga feel ko na close tayo nun, ikaw talaga yung nakapagpaiyak sa akin nung open forum. Nagexpect talaga ako sa iyo ng kahit positive man lang na comment kaso wala. Sabi na lang ng utak ko akala ko ba close tayo boom boom boom. Sumabog ako nun sa luha hehe. Tapos grade 9 na tayo magkaklase na naman tayo. At presidente ako ng klase haaay buhay. Ikaw ang treasurer ko. Sa lahat siguro ng memories natin, ang pinakapaborito ko ay ang Goldilocks moments. Yung bumili tayo ng cake for ruther na may birthday. Ang saya mong kasama nun. At makulit ako habang nabili ng goldilocks na cake ewan ko ba kung paano ka natatawa nun pero ang saya talaga. Gusto ko talagang maulit yun like ang hirap ng buhay ikaw pa lang nakakasama ko na naging ganoon akong kasaya. Salamat din kasi ikaw yung nandyan nung mga panahong iyakin ako. Ikaw na din yung una na shoulder to cry on na literal (pero sa legs yun iyak na iyak talaga ako pasensya na) . Ikaw yung laging nandyan sa mga rants ko salamat talaga. Grade 9 nga naman tayo talaga naging friends. Tapos grade 10. Kaklase ulit kita. Nagbago ang ihip ng hangin. Tbh namiss kita nun (kaclose ko pa si pb ng konti haha). Nagtry din akong tabihan ka for 3 times like gg hahaha walang conversation na nagaganap. Pasensya talaga na lumayo ako. Ang sama ko sorry. Btw masaya din ako sa piano moments natin. Pero salamat pa din na ginawa mo akong staff ng ecom. Nakaclose ko halos lahat maliban sa g9 at sa iyo. Ewan ko ba. Kung ang tingin ko sa kanila ay friends ang tingin ko sa iyo ay boss. Nagmove up na parang wala lang. Di man lang tayo nagpic sayang haha. After g10 yung mga tbh sa twitter, tapos nakonsensya ako kasi nawala naman talaga ako. Nagsorry ako at nagtry na I close ka ulit ang saya mong kakuwentuhan ng kung ano ano like ikaw yung tamang definition ng talk until 2am.( too bad pinapatulog ako ng maaga) May connection na ewan hahaha ang saya kaso parang epic fail ang pagkoclose. Akala ko nga bcas ka na eh hahaha nagpaplano na ako kung paano makakabawi sa mga kasalanan ko pero lipa sci talaga kasi iba naman talaga ang experience dun. Masaya akong nakatulong ako sa pagdedecide mo ng school( kung nakatulong nga naman). Kailangan ko din ng advice sa braces kaya nakipagclose ulit ako kasi nga may brace ka haha. Btw nabunutan na ako ng ngipin nakakaisa pa lang at grabe ang daming gamot at nakakaba. Then one time nagtataka ako kung bakit sent tapos nakaactive now ka hahaha. Tapos nabasa ko yung blog mo about sa mga conversation. Siguro nakamark as unread ako sa iyo haha. Hindi ko alam kung bakit sana walang galit or ano man or baka wala akong kwentang kausap or wala ka ng maikuwento. Di na kita kinausap muli kasi baka nga abala lang ako. Gusto ko lang magsend ng letter kasi nagsend ka din para quits na tayo at para malaman mo lahat ito. Haaay btw ewan ko ba pero kay jazel ko nalaman na sabi mo dati na magbestfriend tayo kung di mo ako tinarayan nung g8. Sayang nga naman ano. Parallel lines talaga haaay. When we crossed our paths we didn't intersect. Anyways siguro goodbye na nga. Goodluck sa life ha. Hindi naman siya magiging madali palagi pero kahit anong hirap alam kong kaya mo. Goodluck sa pagpursue sa dreams mo. Kung gusto mo talaga mangyayari na medlaw ka talaga. I hope na we crossed paths one day. Babawi ako sa friendship if that happens. Anyways andito lang ako if you are sad or anything pero nandyan din sila. Kapag wala na sila andito pa ako. Pasensya na ulit at mahaba Hindi ko na rin tinitingnan pinagsasabi ko dito dirediretso na lang pasensyanaGrabe na reach ko ang max ng messenger hahahaha. Anyways yun lang ang sasabihin ko. Goodluck sa pasukan!!!

-- I am so touched and overwhelmed at naiiyak ako na ewan hahaha love u thank you for everything. Kahit we’re in different school you can still have me as your crying shoulder. Mamimiss kita. You know who you are. 

[bloodinyourcoffeestream]

one month of practice teaching

ＴＲＡＮＳＣＲＩＰＴ

BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS WTF I HAVE SO MANY STORIES TO TELL YOU CAN I JUST CALL????????? I'M CRYING EVERY WEEK IS HELL WEEK WHEN YOU'RE A STUDENT-TEACHER

actually i would most likely just break down ya kno if my hair isn't this short i'd consider getting a haircut again, why do my kids have to be so rowdy what the actual fuck???????????????/ i've walked out on two of my classes already which is super Not a good notch on my performance but jesus fuckin christ no one ever said it would be this hard (maybe except that one senior who advised me to shift courses when i was a sophomore)

i'm saying this so often these days but i've never been this Tired in my entire goodamn life!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ya know how yoi outgays itself in every episode?? it's like that for me except each day outstresses the previous one time to die

ya i'm sorry it's just ughughhuhuhuhguhughughuhuhuhguhughuhuhuhughu teaching is fun and all but? i thought i'd stop getting stressed once i get adjusted to the environment but holy fuck it seems everyday that passes reduces my tolerance for my kids' antics

i'm a pretty chill teacher in general i let them have free reign in my time as long as they submit their outputs on time. we start the class late up to 20mins to wait for the latecomers!!!!!!!!!!! they can like eat and play music and even walk around or do stuff for other subjects and even fucking sleep!!!! (they even played 'stupid love' and 'kalimutan mo na yan' and 'titibo-tibo' in my class and i never judged them for it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) they can easily gain my permission when they want to excuse their whole class to practice for their mapeh cheerdance!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i joke around with them!!!! i treat them all like i personally ejected them outta my damn womb & raised them for 16 or so years!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i'm a pretty chill teacher in lectures too i try to be as jolly as possible!!!!!!!! i try to make discussions interactive!!!!!!!!!!!! i'm generous with recitation chips!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (u can get chips just by sweeping the floor and erasing the board!!!!!!!!!!!!) i spend all night designing lesson-related games so that my kids wouldn't get bored!!!!!!! i give them plenty of time before the deadline!!!!!!!!!!!!! (like we spend a whole week for each output!!!) i go around the room during hands-on activities to make sure they're all doing their work properly!!!!!!!!! i even lent them my drafting stuff & provided them with bond paper bc i know how broke they are!!!!!!!!! you should come & sit in one of my classes they'll be the best thing you'll ever witness. i swear. i'm the best B-)

so holy mother of fuck why can't they give me the 1 ounce of respect i deserve? i'm so kind to them is it so hard to be kind back???? why are they all after my blood??????//

being strict's not my thing because strict teachers get less respect and u know it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! sinasaway ko sila + nagtataray ako minsan pero sandaling-sandali lang then back to bibo hotdog na aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

i'm so sorry for this rant i know i'm not supposed to be complaining to you i just. can't bring myself to tell my co-teachers bc they just tell me to be strict. and i can't for the life of me be strict. i literally forget which kids were noisy and rowdy after a maximum of 10 seconds!!!!!!!!!!! i easily forget which classes i'm supposed to be angry with and treat them well again the next day!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! uhuhhuhuhuhuhuhuuuhhuhughughghuhuhuhuhuhhghugh kahihiyan ako

which is why i walked out of two of my classes; i feel like i've done everything to deserve their respect and it turns out i still don't. and idk what to do with them anymore honestly

i'm so stressed na bimb. minura ko na yung lower sections na hawak ko legit if my advisor/cooperating teacher(CT) finds out i'll get a bad rating for sure (and if i get a bad rating, laude is cancelledt) (super bigat na batas sa high school teachers na bawal magmura). i told them verbatim; guys kayo di ko kayo ginagago kaya pwede ba ako huwag niyo ring gaguhin? (which sounds light but not when coming from a hs teacher ok? some of them audibly gasped wow high schoolers are so soft) but even that didn't seem to have an effect on my raucous kids hanunah

anyway i just feel so weak now?? i forgive too easily specially especially after they've apologized or stopped being dicks + they make me smile so easily bc they're mostly so sweet & funny??????? why don’t i have the ability to stay mad & hold grudges & be strict hahahahhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhuetangina

some 'anonymous feedback' i got was that, para raw akong baliw, one minute galit then the other bati-bati na ulit, tas parang be-babyhin ko pa yung mga sinita ko. inexplain ko nalang na di ko kayang magalit then my CT said kailangan kong maging consistent - kung galit, galit talaga, or else magmumukha talaga akong baliw. or di na ako susundin kasi parang joke lang ako magalit

b i h

iyak na c acoe

i'm sorry this is so long i feel like we haven't talked in years!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i'm writing this in the faculty room actually haha i feel like i'd stop functioning if i don't type these out, my head is such a wreck rn bc i keep getting bad feedback about my teaching strategy, sorry for all the exclamation points :(((((((

yung CT ko pa, he's always insisting that my lower-sectioners are just a bunch of assholes, KSPs, and lazy fucks, but they're not!!!!!!!! they're actually really sweet, they can be competitive when motivated properly, and they have so much potential???? their grades might be mostly seven-liners – (yung isa kong anak aNG SAYA-SAYA NIYA NUNG BINIGYAN KO SIYA NG 79 LIKE ?????) (pinaulit ko yung gawa niya btw tinuro ko ulit sa kanya kung alin yung mga mali niya hahahahaha then naging 103/100 pa yun) (may +5 kasi pag nagpasa before the deadline so ayun) – but they're the ones who are maparaan/madiskarte; i know they're the ones who's most likely to succeed in real life. they're also the ones who greet me on the corridors & off-campus with those cheerful "hi ma'am"s!!! ma'am buhatin ko na gamit mo!! ma'am ako na magwawalis!! idk if i’m a fool but i only see kindness & initiative in their actions?? these pabibos are gonna go far, i believe in them so much, i really go

the top-sectioners my CT puts on such a high pedestal are mostly GCs and self-entitled, always have their noses in the air & think they're better than everyone including me. always competing with their "Friends", crab mentality, always memorizing my material even if i always tell them to Understand instead of memorize bc they'll never learn shit that way????

i'm so dismayed bc there's a very specific mould that determines whether you're a 'good teacher' or not. and that mould is so, so different from what my shape is. that mould goes against my beliefs and principles; that mould is nearly everything i've been wanting to fight against when i decided to be a teacher and holy shit it looks like i have to fit in that stupid, ugly mould if i want to graduate. nevermind cum laude; i'd never graduate unless i fit in that bullshit mould

shet bes magpapakain ako sa sistema makakuha lang ng diploma

ily so much baks thanks for listening to my stupid rants. i don't know who to turn to, everyone else is like 'ganun talaga' or some other bs i wanna jump off a cliff, pls i'd rather disappear than magpalamon sa sistema. tangina ng sistema

why do i have to be so stubborn why am i like this?????

bes

ang sama pala maging weird

tanggap ko na nga sarili ko eh minamahal ko na nga yung pagiging weird ko pero hindi pala pwede; not in this profession; shet bes i need to become normal 2 survive. no fun allowed

now i just want to go home & send u thing whole novel can u believe i've been here since 5:30am!!!!!!! every!!! single!!!! weekday!!!!!! it's 5pm now but i can't go home yet bc i have to check tons of student outputs and write 5 semi-detailed lesson plans so that i can actually rest at home. someone take me out, the footbridge in sandigan is really tempting sometimes you know? the one that crosses over the underpass and u can see all the trucks passing underneath the bridge, plus theres a bunch of electric cables too. and when you're standing on that spot on the footbridge, the view of the sky is super pretty too. (you know what, maybe i'll take a photo when i pass by later. if it's there's still daylight out, that is.) it's so tempting sometimes,, sadly i'll never hear jung hoseok's contagious laughter if i pull any shit

do u think i should drop out now and just. i dunno work as a farmer in pangasinan or somewhere farther, like in visayas or maybe even cambodia where so much myths and folklore thrive, at least that sounds a lot less mentally taxing. i have backpain now anyway; i won't have to complain about that when i'm actually farming

i can't even listen to all the older songs i like bc they make me nostalgic about the past sjhkjhkjdhfkshdk i've told you how much i hate this nostalgia already, it hasn't stopped yet, gods help me!! i keep saying, "sana thesis na lang, thesis na lang ulit" and it's not even funny anymore

i'm so sorry for telling you all this :((( i'm sure you're stressed with school too, i hope i'm not adding to that. don't worry about me, okay? i'm probably not as stressed as i seem anyway, i tend to overact a lot then be perfectly fine after drying my tear ducts and then an 8-hour sleep and like a hot meal that isn't just reheated for the 5th time. i'm so sorry for making you read all this, this is like 5 whole pages i'm sorry :'((((

there's another lower-sectioner i wanna tell you about but this is getting ridiculously long, ask me about patricia sometime ok? it's kind of long-ish hahahaha

but u know what the worst thing is??? I BOUGHT TWO PUDDINGS FROM THE BAKERY YESTERDAY & ONE OF THEM FELL ON THE PAVEMENT JUST LIKE THAT. IF THE GOD'S AREN'T BULLYING ME IDK WHAT THIS IS