#anyway happy testosterone tuesday to those who celebrate!!!!

[mokutone]

i just really think theyre SO alike,

[editorialsonlife]

Well hi tumblr its been a while since I did a brain dump so here we go. strap yourselves in it’ll be fun. 

- its been 10 days since my last counselling session and I sound like a loser but I miss it and also am pleasantly surprised that I haven’t lost my shit yet so long may that last. I booked floats in instead while Anne is away and A+ decision past self. 

- just roped shelley into signing up to a terms worth of pilates classes with me so bring on those for tuesday nights which I’m excited about. 

- got my hormone test results back. testosterone optimal levels start at 4. Mine at at 0.07 so no wonder I’m fucking wiped out all the time mate. my oestrogen levels are down significantly though which is good and my progesterone just sneaks in to the ‘optimal’ level part so still estrogen dominant but bridging the gap slowly. hence taking up pilates and i need to get back into some low intensity weights as well to try boost that testosterone level again. fun times. 

- just like, holy fucking shit I forgot what life was like without pervasive, constant, existential anxiety all the fucking time. it was basically just a year of being on edge, jittery and unable to focus. peaks and troughs throughout that time, and very brief windows without it but hot damn, has it taken its sweet time to get back under control. and It’s been a fucking mission to do it but man am I happy I’m through it now. it’s so nice to be back to feeling like myself again. to laugh a bit more. to find more time to smile and more reasons for joy and just goodness in life. 

- I’ve journalled for 159 days in a row at this point. it is a lifesaver and I love it. meditation is a lot patchier but its still a good time. 

- I got majorly sunburnt on sunday and it’s so sore. I’m v glad I snuck lidocaine aloe vera gel into the country. is so good. 

- yoga has also been great. thursday evening yin with candlelight and acoustic music from two kid who liv down the street and some nights it rains and it’s just, I walk up the hill and am dying and out of breath but like, there’s just this sense of calm the moment you walk in and I fucking love it. slowly learning how to exist in my body again in a peaceful manner. 

- my body and my brain are not yet quite peacefully coexisting but I think we’ll get there. I’m working on it. sex is still an interesting challenge. food is still a mess. body issues are still all over the show. but ya know what? I’m here and I’m doing it anyway. we’ll get there. baby steps in the right direction. 

- less than 6 months til wedding 2.0. got a dress, got a photographer, got the venue, got the celebrant. 

- family remains a fun challenge. honestly mates. its a bit nuts. daves parents came down a couple of weeks ago to stay and oh my goodness what a weekend. not sad to not have to repeat that any time soon. going up to see my parents this weekend which should be good. 

- got another maple tree over the weekend, YAY

- We got a garage door opener installed and oh my god I feel so rich every time i push a button and the door just rolls up? it’s so bougie and so unnecessary and so LUXURIOUS and its jsut fab and I love it and I hope the novelty never wears off honestly. 

- we replanted the vegegarden this weekend for summer and the fucking wind already snapped one of my tomato plants RUDE but hopefully the other half survives which would be great. I hope it does. 

- my cherry blossom tree is flowering and its my fav. the cabbage tree out the front is dying as well which is gunna be a pain in the butt to get down ebcause its right by our power line to the house but hopefully it’ll hold out a while longer. need to deal with that sooner rather than later tbh. the apricot tree appears to have a fungal infection from my limited googling? and if it is, it sounds v hard to manage and I’m not sure I’m up for the level of maintenance its gunna need. 

- our electric lawn mower continues to bring me great joy. 

- its bedtime I really should be putting this laptop away right now. 

- I spent the afternoon writing down what I want my life to look like in 10 years and fuck me its quite terrifying and a bit exciting and just, the gap between here and there is so huge but like, I want it but I don’t know how to make it happen but also how good could it be??? 

- we have also been in dicsussions about getting a puppy. this is a serious life consideration right now. so good. 

- there is more but I need to sleep. I have enjoyed shouting into the void. sleep well little internet friends and I hope you are doing ok wherever you are.