#anyway genuinely thinking about that man (nb) makes me feel sick to my stomach so . but like. Ugh

[shivology]

tw/tter is quite a strange place because why are ppl now currently dragging ari@n for posting a picture with nb in it when he and the entire cast still follows and has interacted with him before this. because i thought we came to the same conclusion and it being that they don't know about the allegations because unfortunately it seems his reputation in hollywood is largely unaffected, and That's why they're all (still) buddy-buddy with him? 😭

[stonermurphy]

*kicks down door* You should talk to me about NB Connor because NB Connor is the best.

um yes of course i’ll talk about my fave NB kid in the world?? 

ahjdgajhgdjhga this is WAY longer than i thought it would be so headcanons are under the cut 

they’ve always loved doing gender conformingstuff from a very very young age, like painting their nails, wearing skirts,growing their hair out long, etc.,,, theres a ton of pictures of a rly littleconnor murphy running around in skirts and pigtails with their nails paintedall different colors,,, even still they HATED being called a girl, almost asmuch as they hated being told to ‘man up’ and ‘act like a boy’

zoe, their trans girl sister, came out when shewas 6 or 7, causing a lot of jealousy and resentment from connor. Jealousy becushe wished he could be as confident in one gender over another as she is but insteadhe just hates them both,,, and resentment becus their parents know how tohandle zoes situation waay better than they did connors (connor doesnt realizethat’s only because their parents had learned from their experience with them)

after zoe came out they stopped dressing up asmuch,, they didn’t feel comfortable dressing as girl when they weren’t one whenzoe was actually trying to live her life as a girl. They ended giving all their‘girly things’ to zoe as hand-me-downs and even let larry take them to get ahaircut

they realize they’re gay when about 13 or 14,,, havinggrown up hearing a lot of stereotypical homophobic rhetoric (not from theirparents specifically) they half believed the gay men dress up as womenstereotype and chalked up their gender issues to having issues with beinggay. They try their best to put out oftheir head how badly being called a boy or a girl makes them feel and focus onbeing comfortable with liking boys

when they started really go through the thick oftheir mental illness they grew their hair back out (mostly out ofdepression and an unwillingness to get things done) and started painting theirnails again (chipped black that would stay on for weeks,, never the freshlypainted rainbows from when they were young) and went back to questioning themselfon the daily. Im talking staying awake at night thinking “am I actually agirl?? no definitely not being seen as a girl sucks,,,, but I don’t think im aboy?? definitely not a girl and maybe not a boy what the fuck does that mean??”(they know they could probably google shit but their paranoia makes them tooworried someone will find out what they were googling and ask them about it andthey absolutely could not handle that conversation)

after their failed suicide attempt they spendthree weeks in the psych ward where they’re asked whether theyre comfortablewith their gender and sexuality and they lie through their teeth. They’re notcomfortable, they’ve never been comfortable, but theyre not about to tell thatto a strange. Saying theywere comfortable and happy with themselves in that regard felt like a punch inthe gut.

when they get home they have a whole list ofcoping skills and a ‘protection plan’ in place and theyre almost excited to seethings change for the better. they get meds, they get a therapist, and thingsare still really really rough but theyre actually trying now,,, and they wantso bad to rebuild their relationship with their family (mostly zoe, they knowwhat they’ve done to her and have no plans to forgive themself for it even ifshe eventually by some miracle does)

in an effort to actually work towards recoverythey try to figure themself outa bit and go back to doing their hair up and painting their nails differentcolors,, they even go so far as to get themselves some skirts and dresses fromgoodwill (only ever worn when the rest of the murphys are out of the house) andinstead of worrying about what those things mean they let themselves just enjoythe things they used to enjoy so much

zoe notices. she notices how hard they’re tryingnow. she notices how much less frequent their outbursts and episodes are. shenotices them specifically trying their best to be nice to her, to be a goodolder sibling. she notices how relaxed they look when theyre painting their nails, when theyre justfocusing on themselves instead of the world around them. she notices theyre a lotmore like the person she used to know. she also, thank god, notices thesick-to-my-stomach look connor gets when someone confuses them for a girl, andthe hesitation to correct them and say they were a boy. zoe notices all thesethings and they all point her in the direction of wanting to help her sibling,wanting them to know who they were.

·Her absolute first move is to drag connor along totheir high schools GSA,, having already asked alana (the genderqueer lesbian president)to make the subject of the next meeting a discussion on nonbinary genders. shesreally super confident they just need some things explained to them and thenthey’ll at least be on the right track.

Connor gets EXTREMELY overwhelmed at the idea ofso many fucking genders,, like they already hated the two and now theres so somany more for them to rifle through and figure out don’t fit them either. They kindof panic and leave in the middle of the meeting, not wanting to hear any more thanthey already did,, zoe chases after them and they absolutely pour their heartout in one long garbled paragraph that they barely breathe through before zoejust kind of pats him on the back like “you know its totally fine to just,, nothave a gender. Like that’s how a lot of people use the overarching nonbinaryterm, to just mean ‘genderless’” and that,,, genuinely calms them down. likeall those terms were so MUCH but just not having to deal with gender at allsounded SO appealing

and that’s kind of just?? It?? Like they knownow that gender doesn’t really HAVE to be a thing for them at all and they decidethat’s absolutely how they want to live their life so they straight up do,, being gay is the only thing that connects them to gender in anyway and tho that takes time to come to terms with on its own they really are genuinely happier now that theyre not left wondering whether theyre a boy or a girl

they still dont wear skirts or dresses in public anymore, but theyre fine wearing them around zoe and eventually theyre fine wearing them amongst their other friends as well (didnt take too long considering alana evan and jared arent cis either),, not to mention the shift in mood that came with their friends referring to them with they/them pronouns and gender neutral language 

the end, connor is living their best life with friends and a sister who absolutely support them for who they are and are more than happy to help them through their rough days becus theyre willing to the same for all of them as well thank you