#anyway found the notebook that has my most recent writing

[longroadstonowhere]

okay so the fun thing about my writing is that i do it in longform handwriting first before i type it all into the computer, which means i need a fair amount of paper to write on, which means i’ve been slowly using all the blank space from the notebooks i’ve had since, like, middle school

the not so fun thing is that when i’m trying to find the notebook i was last writing in, i have like five notebooks on hand that i have to check before i can figure out which is the right one

[cherrygorilla]

Ok, so you may or may not have inspired me with your Outsiders post to interrupt my usually sparse story post schedule and indulge in my own obsession with a certain musical. And as chaotic and random as it sounds, I promise it is good haha. But even if you disagree, please just let me vent and get all this out of my brain so that I can go back to writing the next part of TMM 😂

Alright, I've loved Starlight Express ever since I saw it when I was around... 7 or 8, maybe? It used to be my favourite show for years, and (fun fact) it was actually how I found out about fanfiction haha. I never wrote anything properly for the show, just like one or two pages in a random notebook when I was, idk 11 ? But it was around that time that TBM then came out, which I was obviously more drawn to writing-wise - I suppose because it gave me more freedom with stories and characters, since this show is just...you know...about trains lol.

And from the few times I've mentioned it before, I know it probably sounds insane, but if you just suspend your disbelief and accept it for what it is (a bunch of trains singing and falling in love), it is a lot of fun hahaha. I like to think of it like a mix between Cats and Cinderella, but the basic gist of the story, so you can have at least somewhat of an idea of what's going on lol, is that Control (a little kid - I don't think they have a name, they're literally just known as Control) sneaks out of bed one night to hold this big race between all his toy trains to find out who is the best - so the story essentially takes place within his imagination, as all the trains come to life to tell the story. It's like Cats in the regard that most of the first act is everyone kind of introducing themselves in turn. There's Greaseball, the champion diesel train, Rusty, the little steam engine who wants to race with the big trains, and Electra, the electric engine of the future - and a bunch of other trains and coaches, but I won't bore you with all that (just yet 😉). So, to cut a long story short, it's basically a big competition between those three main trains to see who's fastest, with Rusty being the obvious underdog, and hence the centre of the Cinderella story element.

The plot itself is nothing groundbreaking, and neither are the songs tbh, but it's just such a fun show that I can't help but love it anyway. I mean come on, the whole thing's done on roller skates - that's pretty damn cool! And although I've loved it for years, it had taken quite a backseat for a while, but the recent revival that has recently opened in London has really reignited my obsession with it all over again 😆 Because how do you make my favourite pairing in the whole show even more iconic? ...you turn them into lesbians 😎 Plus the costumes were all reimagined by Gabriella Slade, who did the costumes for Six, and they look SO cool!

Now, a big part of why I loved your Outsiders post so much was all the story ideas/similarities for characters you included, but I can't really do that here because (once again)... they're all trains, and none of them are really that deep or serious anyway. BUT, what I did think might be fun, would be going through who I think each of our characters would be good at playing if they were (for some bizarre reason) to ever put on the show - because I do have some strong opinions about that haha. And, as a little bonus, I have written some little random one-off story snippets that are Starlight Express adjacent that I'll throw in at the end lol - more as a reward for you wading through all my nonsense than anything tbh. But they were fun to write too haha.

So yeah, welcome to the insane workings of my brain - and pull up a chair; this could take a while 😅

Ok, I think the best place to start would be with going through the characters in the show and, like I said, matching them up with potential characters of ours I think would be good at playing them. I'll sort of elaborate on 'why' for each one too to help keep things entertaining from an outside perspective lol - and hopefully to help back up my arguments for each lmao. Because, let's face it, none of our characters have particularly...train-like characteristics. 😂

First up we've got Rusty, who's essentially the show's main character. Most of the conflict in the show centres around him; the 'better' trains all totally disregard him, a lot of the coaches tease him, and although he loves Pearl, she's more interested in the newer, more exciting trains than boring, quiet little Rusty. BUT, as with all Cinderella stories, he comes out on top in the end; he wins the race (I would say spoiler alert, but it's also like...duh 🙄😂) and gets his dream girl. He's a really likeable underdog character throughout the story though, and he does put up a good fight to come out victorious, which I appreciate - he doesn't just lay down and let everyone walk (well, roll 😉) all over him.

Now, who do I think would be good to play Rusty? Well, as I mention later on in the one-shots, and have potentially mentioned elsewhere too, I weirdly feel like Riven would really like the show. Maybe he has some childhood nostalgia linked to it like I do - maybe his dad took him to see it when he was younger since it involves skating? I don't know all the details, but something within me tells me Riven would like this show lmao. And so, in the spin-off scenario where our characters put on this show (which is the one I'll always lead with in these things), I think he'd want to take a leading role in the directing side of it - and probably spear-headed the campaign for putting it on in the first place tbh haha. BUT, I feel like a lot of people at Camp (because yes, I think they'd do this at Camp; I don't know when else they would all want to put on a show like this lmao) would think the whole thing was an insane idea, and wouldn't want anything to do with it (because it kind of is an insane idea). SO, I think that Riven would not only end up directing most of the show, I also think he'd have to step into Rusty's skates - which wouldn't be as daunting as he initially expected since he knows the show so well already. Plus, besides the backstory element, I just think he'd be a really cute Rusty; his auburn hair is perfect for it, he's a quietly determined guy, and he's an experienced skater, so he'd have no trouble taking on such a demanding role in terms of the skating.

So yeah, Riven would be my first pick. BUT, this new revival of the show that's being performed in London is playing Rusty and Pearl (his love interest, who we'll get to in a minute) in a much more innocent, shy way - and it's freaking adorable. And I think if we were leaning into more of that version of the show, Royce would make a brilliant Rusty if Vivien could be his Pearl. I don't know how likely he'd be to take on another leading role after being thrown into Hairspray like he was in your last Camp Wanamaker story, especially one that required him to be on roller skates the entire time, but I think he'd really nail it with that more innocent, down-trodden interpretation of the character.

But if everyone was willingly getting involved in the show, and they wanted to lean more into the old-school portrayal of Rusty and Pearl, that feels a little older, and more heavily romantically driven, then I feel like Miles and Carrie make SO much sense for those parts. The whole 'chasing after a girl you think is out of your league' thing has both Miles and Rusty written all over, and I think Miles would, again, play that fluctuating determination and defeat really well. Plus, I know this doesn't really mean anything, but his struggles for money do parallel Rusty being this rundown, tattered, but persistent little steam train pretty well... 😂

Ok, now we'll move onto Pearl. Pearl is the newest coach in the little kid's collection, and is therefore the most sought-after racing partner (since all the trains need to race with a coach - idk why, it's just part of the story I suppose lol). Sometimes she's a 'first class' coach, sometimes she's an 'observation car', it doesn't really matter - all that matters is that all the trains want to race with her, and although she has a soft spot for Rusty, who has loved her all along, she gets seduced by the flashiness of his competitors, and it takes her almost getting wrecked in the final race for her to see sense. She can be a little naive sometimes, or will sometimes just blatantly play the field (depending on how you play her), but her heart is always in the right place, which is what still makes her so likeable.

Again, for Pearl I've got multiple options for who could play her, but I'll start with Juliet. The new all-white version of Pearl's costume that they use in the current Bochum production just screams Juliet to me: that sleek sophistication and quiet confidence, but also a touch of flirty, girly charm is so her! And I think she'd make a great leading lady - which is why she's my pick for that spin-off scenario version of the show. Pearl has some great songs, which would be perfect for Juliet to show off more of her voice, with her wanting to be a singer eventually, and with you hinting at Riven and Juliet maybe having a little bit of a fling or something in your last STDP post, having them play the two leads here seems like a perfect fit for them! Rusty thinking Pearl's way out of his league, but Pearl falling for his kindness and good heart anyway - that just screams Riven and Juliet to me! Pearl also has a strong sisterhood-type friendship with the other coaches, which I think really works for Juliet too. And Pearl does try to stand up for what she thinks is right when the bigger trains start taking the competition a little too far - so I think Juliet could bring a great deal of her own strength to her portrayal of the character as well.

Now, my second choice for Pearl, links with the second choice for Rusty above, which is, obviously Vivien. I feel like the new London revival Pearl was MADE for Vivien to play; the whole space-y vibes of the show, the fact that they made her purple, and the fact that they made her this happy little ball of excitement, with a touch more innocence than previous Pearls - she's perfect for Vivien. And the awkwardly adorable, friends-to-lovers arc Rusty and Pearl have in this new revival was practically written for Royce and Vivien lmao - I just think they'd be able to play them brilliantly. And again, like with Juliet, I think Vivien's fiestiness would allow her to bring a lot of strength and determination to Pearl's character that isn't always there - she can sometimes be played quite airy and 'damsel-in-distress-like', but I think Vivien would really ground her.

And my last choice for the role is Carrie - she's not my favourite pick for the role, and I think she'd be better at other parts (as we'll see in a minute lol), but as I said earlier, if Miles is playing Rusty, I think Carrie would make an amazing Pearl opposite him. Their dynamic just fits them so well - Miles pining for her but not feeling like he's good enough, Carrie being blinded to her true feelings by other options (in this situation I feel like Eric would make a great Greaseball lol) but coming around in the end - it's just perfect! And, I truly believe that the song Pearl sings in the original London production, Only He, can only be bodied in the way it deserves to be bodied by my girl Carrie haha. I'm not a big fan of Next Time You Fall In Love, but I do quite like I Do (the replacement options for Only He), and I think Juliet and Vivien would do great renditions of them, but there's just something about the thought of Carrie singing that song that just makes so much sense. I've got an idea for her to sing it in a legitimate story too (that's how obsessed with that song I am lmao), probably linked to the heartache referenced in the little drabble I'll post below, but I feel like she needs to sing it for an actual audience too haha. It's just such a beautiful, powerful, swelling theatre ballad - she'd kill it!!

Alright, now we're getting to the good stuff. This is Greaseball: arguably the main antagonist of the show because, although most of the characters rag on Rusty, a lot of them do so to show their support for Greaseball. They're the reigning, undefeated champion when it comes to the races, so they have quite the ego on them. They're brash, and cocky, and a little brute-ish, but they're also incredibly competitive, which often gets in the way of their better judgement, resulting in a total disregard for everyone else (including their undeservingly loyal girl, Dinah). They're a total showboat and narcissist, but they do have a dopey, lovable side that Dinah helps to bring out towards the end of the show, which does help redeem them haha.

Now, there are two ways that Greaseball can be played: the traditional way, or the new way. For the traditional way (the sort of wannabe-Elvis, old school rockstar portrayal), Butchy feels like an obvious pick. And although I don't think he's anything like Greaseball's character, you know if he had to play him he'd take to the greaser caricature like a duck to water lmao. Plus, if Mick was playing Dinah (which, you'll see in a bit, I think works perfectly for her), they'd make an adorable duo in the show, and I think they'd have a lot of fun hamming up the roles to make them even more ridiculously cartoonish. And if Mick was his Dinah, I think Butchy would do the whole 'crawling back to her with his tail between his legs' schtick soooo well - he'd just melt into a puddle for her the second he apologised for being such a brute haha. The only thing that's holding me back with Butchy is that I don't know how good he'd be at being so mean to his friends - especially if someone like Miles or Royce was playing Rusty haha; he's just too nice! Plus, I don't know how well he could roller skate lmaoo.

OR, the other way Greaseball can be played is like how they've done it in the new London revival of the show: by making her into a fiesty little lesbian. And this is the role I feel like Carrie could really excel at. I just think she'd have sooo much fun with all the showboating and playing up the bravado. It's so different to anything else she's played before that I think she'd have a great time getting to try it out too - and I think she'd really enjoy getting to lean into playing a villain as well. I'm just obsessed with everything about the London revival Greaseball - her costume is so cool, her attitude is so iconic, the way she's adapted the character I just, uh- it's brilliant! And as cool as it could be to try out a male Dinah by getting Miles into some frilly gingham (lol), I think having either Juliet or Mick be her Dinah would work really well. I'll get into why I think Juliet would be a perfect Dinah later, but her dynamic with Carrie if they were to take on these roles would just be perfect; Juliet's mild scolding of Carrie's bruteish behaviour, but her unwavering loyalty regardless, Carrie's brushing off of her affection for the sake of winning, but then realising she didn't know how good she had it with Juliet by the end - aaaah, I love them. But for the spin-off scenario, where Juliet would be playing Pearl, my pick for Dinah would have been Mick - again, I'll elaborate more on why that works so well for her in a bit, but there's something about Mick and Carrie being paired up romantically like this that just entertains me so much, and low-key kind of intrigues me too haha. In my head, the way it would have played out was that they'd approached Butchy with the offer for the role first, hoping that if they also offered Mick to be his love interest, he'd be more likely to accept it. But after he dismissed it so blatantly, and they couldn't get anyone else to convincingly fit the role, Carrie was called upon to take his place - and to get back at Butchy for not even considering the part, Mick decides to take the Dinah role anyway, but doesn't tell him. Because imagine his face when he realises that this role they'd said couldn't be played by anyone but him was not only being played by Carrie, of all people, but that his wife was playing her love interest (and was practically throwing herself at Carrie the whole show)! They'd have so much fun torturing him with it, I just know it haha. And omg Carrie would have a whale of a time with Pumping Iron lmao. Plus, her skating skills can finally come in handy for something lol; she'd be throwing in all the tricks.

Alright, so here's where I started grouping people together because I realised I was rambling far too much about the rest lol. As cool of a character as Electra is concept-wise, I don't think I can talk about them in that much depth haha - they're just not one of my favourites! I don't feel like they have that big of an impact on the story tbh; it feels mostly Rusty/Greaseball centred to me, but it's nice to give Greaseball a bit of real competition in the races I guess haha. Their futuristic, diva-ish vibe is really interesting though, and the fact they have their own entourage is pretty iconic too. But with that all being said, I just don't think there's any of our characters that really fit their archetype, even just in terms of who'd be best at playing them - especially males, since that's what Electra has typically been played as (even though they're nonbinary in the new London revival). I thought it might have been fun to get Donny to play them in the spin-off scenario, because I like to think he's a good enough actor to pull off any role haha - and like with Carrie and Greaseball, I think he'd have a lot of fun with doing something totally different to any of his other roles. I don't quite know how it would come about that he'd ever get involved in an amateur production like this, but in my head I thought it would be cute if, besides Carrie's constant begging and pestering about how they don't have enough people to fill out the cast, he's swayed by the fact that his son's in his 'train' phase at the moment - and so he agrees purely for shits and giggles and getting to make his son excited hahaha. Plus, I think he and Carrie would have a lot of fun getting to play rivals for once instead of lovers lol. And I just know they'd really lean into the comedic side of One Rock 'N' Roll Too Many. But besides Donny, I really have no other good picks. I thought if it was maybe the situation where Butchy was playing Greaseball they could do a female Electra and cast Carrie - because she'd do a fabulous job at selling the glitzy, diva vibes and overall over-the-top dramaticness of the character, and a female Electra would be incredible - but like with Pearl, it's just not my favourite pick for her. More out of necessity than anything haha - although it would be perfect to have Butchy and Carrie playing enemies like that lol.

And then the second one on this list is Poppa/Momma McCoy, who's an old steam engine that takes part in one of the races to help encourage Rusty and prove that steam trains aren't outdated after all. The role has been played by both male and female actors, but it tends to lean more female lately. And whilst I'm sure Grandpa George would happily help the kids out with their show, I have much stronger feelings on different female characters taking on the role.

Firstly, how iconic could it be if Nonna Dawn surprised everyone who wasn't helping out with the show by rolling out to sing Momma's (Poppa's) Blues?? Because that's my main pick for the spin-off scenario and I feel like Viv's face would just be a picture lmaoo. She helped out quite a bit with the stuff in the playhouse in Camp Wanamaker too, so she obviously likes theatre, and she just has that kind of fun, mischievous charm about her, so I feel like when Riven and Carrie would approach her with the idea, she'd love it - especially with that added element of surprise for the audience. And the whole mentor/advice-giver role Momma takes on in the show would work perfectly for Dawn; she's like the embodiment of the voice of reason haha.

My second pick, if you wanted to play Momma a little younger, like the London revival has done (with her playing both Control's mum, and Momma), would be Charlie, because she took a big role in helping out at the playhouse in Camp Wanamaker, and obviously cares a lot about theatre. And she has a really close relationship to Carrie and Riven, so I feel like they'd be able to talk her around to taking part eventually. My only thing holding me back is that part of my feels as though she'd want nothing to do with the production because she'd be too scared someone was gonna get hurt since the whole thing's done on rollerskates - her pseudo-motherly instincts couldn't cope with the stress lmaooo. And if it's in the spin-off scenario, where in my head Vivien's organising a rival production (probably of The Outsiders since you're enjoying it so much atm haha), I feel like Vivien would have already snagged her to help with directing on her project.

And my last potential pick for Momma, in an AU version, and one where Royce or Miles was Rusty, would, of course, be Mrs Murphy. I don't know how she would have done with performing, but Momma obviously takes on a motherly role to Rusty, and the freight/fuel trucks too - so Mrs Murphy taking on that role opposite one of her actual sons, and helping to give them the confidence they need to succeed, just makes so much sense to me! Pretty unlikely scenario, but a fun one to consider nonetheless haha.

Ooh ok, more of my faves again haha. Dinah used to be my all-time favourite growing up, so I have lots of opinions about her. But basically, she's another of the 4 coaches (along with Pearl), and her main role in the show is that she's Greaseball's racing partner (and therefore, essentially also their romantic partner). They have a kind of strained relationship most of the show, because Dinah's totally head-over-wheels (😉) for Greaseball, but Greaseball's also being fawned over by pretty much every other coach, and is reluctant to give in to Dinah's affection for fear of showing any weakness to their opponents - so they can be pretty mean sometimes. BUT, they do have a really cute moment when Greaseball loses in the end and goes back to Dinah to apologise, realising that they still love each other without all the glory of being champions.

She's a pretty confident character though, and is good at standing up for herself when she doesn't think something's right - but she's still able to show her softer, more vulnerable side, which makes her a really well-rounded character imo. There are a few good options for who I'd want to play her though, and although I mention later that Carrie would be a good Dinah, I only think she'd really get cast in the role if she it was an externally produced show, since she only ever lands secondary parts haha. I think she'd be a great Dinah, don't get me wrong, but I just think that if all our characters were in the show, there are better choices for her.

My first one, as mentioned earlier, would be Mick. The brunette hairstyle she's been given lately, as opposed to the blonde, works for Mick so well, and with red being her favourite colour, taking the red from the new London costume but applying it to the more traditional gingham style - aaaah, she'd look adorable. Plus, like I said above, having her play this role opposite Butchy just makes so much sense - but, having her play it opposite Carrie (like she would in my spin-off scenario) would be brilliant. I just think they'd have so much fun with it, especially knowing how weird it would make Butchy feel watching them together, and oddly, I feel like it would help their friendship grow even stronger😂 It's just such an iconic pairing, and I really think they'd do it justice. I think she'd make a really strong-willed Dinah, and as unsteady as I think she'd be on roller skates at first, I think that'd make everyone all the more impressed when they saw her racing and dancing around with everyone else haha - Riven and Carrie would work their magic with teaching her.

And with Dinah being typically played as a sort of 'Southern Belle' type, the obvious pick for Dinah, and one that also makes a ton of sense to me, would, of course, be Juliet. And if she wasn't playing Pearl, this is definitely who I'd have her play. I think she'd be able to lean into the more sensitive, emotional side of Dinah, whilst also keeping a bit of the strength that Mick would bring to her - and you just know that if Carrie was her Greaseball they'd be in their element playing lesbain lovers 👀😂 They'd peak here, I feel. This and Maureen and Joanne in Rent - they'd be untouchable.

I didn't even know whether to include CB in this or not since he's been taken out and put back into the show so many times, but I reference him in one of the one-shots so I thought it was best to. Basically, he's a caboose coach that, in the second act, reveals that he's got a little evil streak behind his oh-so innocent appearance, and that he's actually notorious for wrecking the trains he races behind. So, (although I don't think it's ever actually explained why lol) he teams up with Greaseball and Electra to trick Rusty into racing with him, only to try wrecking him in the big final race. Naturally, it doesn't work, but hey, he acts as a zany little extra antagonist, which I'm never going to complain about haha. 

Like I mention later on, I think Riven would feel kind of drawn to this role - especially because of the softer side we see with him when he comforts Dinah after Greaseball ditches her (for being too moral for their dirty racing tactics lol). Plus, there's that 'red' motif again that would work with his auburn hair - and I think he'd be able to play that coolly sly, kind of crazily sadistic twist well because of how chill he is normally. That switch would be so jarring! But, perhaps an even more jarring option, I think Bentley could also do this part really well. He'd be the perfect, innocent mask to begin with because he's so little and smiley - but then I think he'd have a lot of fun getting to flip that on its head and be the complete antithesis of his usual ball of sunshine personality to be a little crazy criminal instead. Obviously he's nothing like that normally, but acting-wise, if he felt confident enough with it, I think he could really do it justice! And it'd make an even cooler contrast if one of his brothers was playing Rusty; that betrayal would be even harsher!

Alright, now onto the coaches. Let's try to speed through these because I already know I've wasted far too much of your time lmao. If you're still reading at this point, I'm actually pretty impressed 😂 The coaches have changed a bunch over the years, mostly for things going out of fashion (*cough cough* Ashley the smoking car lol) - but the current ones in the London revival are Belle the sleeping car and Tassita the quiet coach. Since these are smaller, more generic parts, I don't really have as much to say about them. But, for Belle I thought that Jade might be a good pick, because I know she can sing since she's in Riven's band, and idk, maybe she naps a lot? 😂 Either way, even though she's said before that she can't act to save her life, I don't think she'd have to act a great deal in this role - but she can sing and skate, and that's enough to give her the confidence to agree to help out in my book haha. And for Tassita, who's the first coach to ever be played by a male performer, which is pretty cool, I thought August might be a fun pick - you know, because he's such a quiet guy himself lol. Besides that though, I've always thought he'd be a good performer (he was originally going to have a part on Find Your Voice after all), and although, like Jade, I don't think he'd have a great deal of confidence at first - especially in a role that still appears quite feminine when he's not totally secure about his sexuality - but I think they'd be able to tweak both the part and the costume until it was something he'd feel comfortable doing. And once he started working on it, I think it'd be really good at bringing him out of his shell! Plus, I like to think he's got a really good voice hidden behind all that shyness - so this is an excuse to finally bring it out into the open hehe. 

Other coaches that could be worked in from other productions are Buffy the buffet car, Duvet the sleeper car (an alternate to Belle), Carrie the luggage car (what a coincidence lol), or, the original Belle the sleeping car, from the original London production way back in the 80s. Belle didn't really do a great deal plot-wise besides help motivate Rusty, and Dinah and the rest of the coaches in the second act when they're ditched by the trains they race with (please, Starlight Express producers, bring back the Rolling Stock reprise; it's iconic lmao) - but if for some reason they wanted to use her in the show, I think Charlie would be a great pick for her. She'd give her all the old-school glamour and girl-power she deserves haha. And I think she'd look iconic in that red costume. 

Finally, my last category: the freight/fuel trucks. Well, actually just the fuel trucks. I thought about including the freight trucks too, but tbh, I don't really have any strong opinions on any of them, and this post is already far too long, so I just left them out lol. But, like the coaches, the fuel trucks are just more racing partner options for the trains. Some have bigger parts than others, but their main purpose is providing fuel (shocking, I know ha). They're new to the London revival though, and tbh I like them more than the freight trucks; they feel more central to the plot - even if it did make the song Freight significantly worse lmao.

And speaking of central to the plot, Hydra, the hydrogen fuel truck is the new reason why Rusty wins the final race (because before it didn't really make that much sense tbh lmao); he's now powered by hydrogen steam, which gives him the advantage over his opponents. And throughout the show, despite the other fuel trucks ragging on Hydra for being too new and dangerous in comparison to their more reliable fuel sources, he ignores them and stands by his belief in his fuel. The only pick in my mind for Hydra because of this though is Ethan - and although I have no idea if he'd ever have any remote interest in acting, especially in a musical theatre production, you know he's so loyal to his friends he'd do anything to help them out if they asked. And, I think he'd just think the idea was so weird he'd be down to participate just for the hell of it lol. But Hydra's way of not caring what anyone else thinks of him, and sticking to his own beliefs, is so Ethan to me - plus, they just have that same, chilled, laid back vibe. And, naturally, they both have that kind of green motif 😉🍃 So yeah, for me, Ethan has to be Hydra - and no matter who's playing Rusty, I feel like he'd vibe enough with all of them for him to jump at the chance to help them out like Hydra helps Rusty in the show. And it'd finally give him an excuse to use those roller skating skills I know he's hiding somewhere despite his usually terrible clumsiness ha. 

For Porter (the red coal truck) I think Zack could maybe play him? Not completely sold on that idea because I don't think he'd really vibe with musicals, but if August roped him into helping out I think he'd begrudgingly agree - and Porter basically does nothing anyway, so he couldn't really complain lol. And for Lumber (the blue timber truck) I picked Erica - not only because her blue hair would look sick with an all-blue costume like that, but also because the thought of Jade and Erica flirting as their characters during the little bickering section between the coaches and the fuel trucks in the song Freight had me weak at the knees. So if they were both in it, their characters would 100% be in love, no questions asked - I need flirty trucks and coaches hahaha. 

So then the final role I'm passionate about is Slick, the oil truck, which is the new London revival's answer to CB, since she not only takes on his main song, but also the whole concept of wanting to race with Rusty to wreck him and help out the competition. This revival also gives her a monetary aim though, which is good for giving her more of a motive, I suppose. I don't really know how trains are supposed to use money, but it's at least a reason, which is more than we had before lmao. I think Abby would be such a good pick for Slick though - I'd want to make her a little more girly, giving her some different hair (like my little reference picture, or maybe something like some fun bubble braids or something - like oil bubbles 👀) and a more feminine costume - but I think having a pretty important role like that would help bring out her confidence with performing a lot, without totally throwing her out of her comfort one with a big main role. I think she'd like the added challenge and fun that the villainous twist Slick has would bring though; it'd give her something a bit different to play with. And with Slick's colour palette mirroring Greaseball's, and her being an oil truck, makes me thing that Abby would really want to lean into making Slick a little Greaseball fangirl, who is constantly looking up to her and wanting to impress her (and hence giving her even more motivation to wreck Rusty and help Greaseball win the race) - which I think would also nicely mirror how much Abby would look up to Carrie (an established actress already) if they were to ever meet. I just think it works really well for her, and I love how the show's leaning more into mixing the genders of the coaches and the freight trucks - even if the costumes are still leaning more feminine and masculine respectively, I think our characters would have more fun tailoring them to each performer's preferences. Because come on, Abby being a pretty girly, but still menacing, little secondary villain would be so cool - she needs to let her rebellious side shine!

Excuse the TMM spacer lol, I'm too lazy to go make a new one lmao. Anyway, if you made it through all that, you really are a true friend haha - because that was soooo much insane rambling. But, I do feel better for dumping it out of my mind and onto a page. Maybe now I can finally stop obsessing over it and get back to writing the stories I should be working on. But hopefully this was a little fun post to switch things up a bit! And hopefully you at least liked it half as much as I enjoyed your Outsiders post haha. If, for some bizarre reason, you actually are interested in the show, then just let me know because I have a slime tutorial (*wink wink*) of the new revival I'd happily send you the link to, because I'd love to hear your thoughts on it. But even if not, like I said, this was just a bit of silly fun to give all these ideas a home. It's not a complex show, and it doesn't have particularly elevated songs or characters, but the orchestrations are clever, the costumes and theatrics are amazing, and it's all done on roller skates - so it'll always have a special, fun spot in my heart hehe. I've linked a video of the megamix at the end of the new London revival for you to get a bit of a vibe of what the show's like without having to watch the whole thing too if you want hehe - at least this way you can see some of the skating and costumes in action! And, as promised, as a reward for sitting through the insanity of this post, here are two little drabbles with our characters as a reward.

The first centres around the song There's Me, and a pairing I think works particularly well for it, that I'm dying to see/write more of - it's also plucked out of that Camp Wanamaker spin-off I wanted to do that I'm not sure will ever materialise. But consider this a sneak peek into what would have gone down lol. And the second is a litle bit of what the chaos the concept of Riven and Vivien putting on rivalling productions would have brought about haha. For context, I think although Riven would have bagged Carrie for his show straight away, Vivien would have furiously retaliated by claiming everyone else in their cabin for hers - hence the competitiveness that ensues. Enjoy! Hopefully they're not too weird to not still be enjoyable anyway 😅😂

The dusty deck creaked as a scuffed, black Converse nudged into her periphery. But her eyes never left the lake - as grey as the thick blanket of clouds overhead, and as bleak as her outlook. 

"The laundry house, really?" the voice demanded, pausing to give the girl a chance to explain herself. 

She did not. 

Sighing, the guest realised this was going to be harder than he expected. After all, he wasn't used to her being this…subdued. "You know, I just think it's a testament to our friendship that I was the only one who knew to look for you here," he offered with a playful smile…that went completely unnoticed. Frowning as the girl continued to ignore his very existence, he let out another sigh, this one as he lowered himself down and took up the space beside her, nudging the sole of her now off-white sneaker with his knee to draw her out of her thoughts. "Come on, Carrie. I'm trying here," he said. But when he leant forwards to try to get a clearer look at her face, and found her cheeks marred with glistening tracks in her foundation, and her puffy eyes speckled with remnants of her mascara, his frustration waned. "You can't hide from them forever," he gently added.

"I want to," Carrie murmured.

"You don't mean that," he tried.

"I do; at least that way I wouldn't be able to fuck things up any more than I already have," she limply insisted.

"You didn't-"

"Don't give me that, Riven; I know I did," Carrie said, cutting him off with an exasperated huff. "I shouldn't have done it, I shouldn't have yelled at them like that. But I was just in such a bad mood after that class, and I was so fed up with everything, so then to come back to all that I just…"

"...Let all those years of bottled up frustration out?" Riven offered.

"Something like that," Carrie mumbled, dropping her gaze to her lap, knowing that if she actually made eye contact with the boy her resolve would start to crumble in an instant. 

"Hmm," he began, murmuring his understanding as he took his turn to look out across the lake. "I heard it wasn't pretty."

Although Riven was no longer looking at her, he saw her dark blonde curls trembling out of the corner of his eye as she shook her head.

"I'm so embarrassed," she admitted, voice barely above a whisper. A fresh tear plopped onto her thigh as she kept her watery gaze steady, praying she'd be able to get a handle on her waterworks for once. "They hate me for sure now."

"They never hated you, Carrie," Riven promised, turning back to her again as though it would persuade her to believe him. 

But Carrie proved to be as stubborn as ever, completely bypassing the comment with a mournful smile she still couldn't bring herself to lift from the floor. "All that time I spent trying to win them over…down the drain, all because I had a shit day and lost my cool."

"I don't know, I'd still say you're pretty cool," Riven tried with a playful lopsided grin, bumping her shoulder until she turned to see it for herself.

When she did finally turn to face him though, it was with that flat, annoyed frown that always just egged him on more. "This isn't a joke," she grumbled, but Riven's little chuckle said otherwise. 

"I'm not saying it is," he countered. "I'm just letting you know it's gonna take a hell of a lot more than one dumb argument for me to stop thinking you're cool. Come on, you're Caroline Cole: entertainer extraordinaire-"

"Why are you doing this?" Carrie stopped his playful bolstering in its tracks with a weary sigh.

"Because I want to," Riven said, standing firm in his optimism. "Come on, I hate seeing you like this," he pressed on fitfully, uneasy with her uncharacteristic despondency. She was usually the life and soul of the party in that playhouse, now she had all the energy of a wet paper towel. Hoping to distract her with a little healthy competition, he added, "We should be out there crushing Erica's cabin at volleyball right now."

"Well forgive me, but I'm not really in the mood," Carrie flatly retorted.

"What are you in the mood for?" he challenged, with a primarily jovial tone, but a hint of creeping frustration. "Moping about like a kicked puppy?"

"Yes, actually," she snipped. "Hate to be the bearer of bad news but I can't be the 'smiling showgirl' 24/7…" Her frown twitched into the faintest of wistful smiles as her voice trailed off, carrying her focus back into the turmoil unfolding within her own head. "I'm allowed to have emotions, I'm just not allowed to show them," she went on to explain with a quiet, self-loathing huff. "'Cause that's when things always turn to shit."

All Riven's teasing intent slipped away, seeping into the damp wood beneath them, as it began to dawn on him that there may have been more to her dramatic disappearance than what he'd initially thought. "...This is about more than just you yelling at the boys, isn't it?" he slowly asked, treading carefully, as though to not set off a bomb.

And yet, Carrie dropped one on him anyway.  

"I think Miles and I are gonna break up, Riv."

The words hung in the muggy air between them, not daring to be believed.

Stunned, hazel eyes settled on Carrie's profile, unable to tear themselves away until she explained herself. So, she began to talk. Slowly but surely, she unravelled the tangle of thoughts in her head, laying them out before her friend, praying that his sensible, perceptive mind could help her make sense of them. "It's just…not felt right this summer. It's like he's…pulling away, or something," she started, still avoiding eye contact at all costs. At least that way she could keep a handle on her tears, even if her mouth did start to run away from her instead. "And the arguing with Royce never helps, but it's just been getting worse instead of better and I can tell he's getting frustrated with it, but I'm trying and nothing's working and I don't understand why and that's making me frustrated, which makes the bickering worse, I just-" She stopped to snatch a breath, only to blow out all her remaining self-confidence with it. "I feel like I've got no fight left anymore. I can't see it getting better. And when I know Miles would always side with his brothers, and everyone else would side with him if things went south… I don't know, it just kind of stings, I guess; one wrong move and I lose them all. No matter what I do, I'd still be left out on my own."

"Don't lump me in with that."

Startled, Carrie lost her focus and turned to the boy; she'd been so lost in her own thoughts she'd forgotten she wasn't alone anymore. But even when she searched his expression, his comment still made no sense. "What do you mean?"

"Well don't say I'd never speak to you again if things with you and Miles didn't work out," he explained as though it was the simplest thing in the world. "Which they totally will by the way, but that's beside the point," he tacked on as that playful chuckle of his started creeping back into his voice. "Of course I'd still speak to you; you can't get rid of me that easily."

"Really?" Carrie asked, wary despite the hopeful glint in her ocean eyes. 

"Yes, really, idiot," he snorted. "I'm not just friends with you 'cause you're dating Miles, you're my drama buddy," he went on to explain with a grin holding nothing but fond sincerity. "You're the only one that keeps me sane in that playhouse, and even then you're so ridiculous I can only take you seriously like 60% of the time. Plus, I did see you naked that one time-"

"I was not- it was just my top."

The frustrated tone shining through in the way she had cut him off, and the way she had hurriedly returned to avoiding his gaze, struck Riven down. "Oh my god, you didn't even laugh at the bikini story. This really is bad," he said - again, half-joking, half-genuinely-concerned. Reaching behind him, his fingers closed around glossy wood as a teasing smile started to tug at his lips. "I didn't want it to have to come to this…"

Hearing fingers start plucking at guitar strings, Carrie's bewildered frown deepened as she turned back to him. "What are you doing?"

"I can't help it, you've left me no choice," he chuckled, cheesily grinning back at her and continuing to lazily pluck out a melody. "I'm not leaving until I've cheered you up - even if that means resorting to music."

"Come on, Riv," Carrie wearily groaned, not nearly as amused by the offer as he'd hoped she would be. "Stop, I'm not in the mood. Can't you just leave me alone?"

The plucking stopped and Riven sat the guitar fully back in his lap, his own brows now starting to furrow. "They really got you this time, huh?"

Carrie sighed as she dropped her gaze to her lap again. "I don't like to show it normally 'cause I know they don't always mean it, they just want to get a rise out of me," she slowly confessed. "But it was…different last night. It's felt different since we arrived."

"I really thought you guys were getting somewhere," Riven softly mused, just as perplexed by the sudden nosedive in amiability as the others in the cabin.

"So did I," Carrie agreed, smiling painfully down at a knot in the wood. A million things she wanted to say swirled in her head, but none of her thoughts were quite able to be fit into words - nothing that could make a coherent sentence anyway. She didn't know whether to get mad, and let the rest of her pent up anger spill across the deck until she'd rid herself of it completely. She didn't know whether to just push it to the back of her mind again, put on a brave face and swan back into camp as though nothing was wrong at all. She didn't know whether to stay hidden, avoiding everyone at the cabin and all her problems at the same time. At least that way she wouldn't have to face them again, or have to try to explain herself and her inexcusable temperament to Miles. God, he was probably so mad at her right now. 

More and more thoughts flew through her mind, hitting the walls of her skull like rabid animals until her head pounded and her resolve broke down. Helpless tears started to slip from her eyes as the hopelessness of her position washed over her all over again. She felt a hand on her back that brought her back to her senses in an instant though - having forgotten, yet again, that she wasn't alone out here. She sniffed and hurriedly patted away the tears, trying to salvage what little of her makeup still remained. "Guess I'm not such a heartless bitch after all," she offered, managing a melancholy chuckle at her predicament that, although was an improvement, still did nothing to show Riven that she was feeling more like her usual self. 

In fact, he just felt more concerned than ever. Carrie was strong-willed and stubborn, bold and exuberant - not the shying, insecure, tearful shell of a girl before him. He'd already suspected that her confidence had been knocked this summer thanks to the rather personal disruption at the playhouse, but this was worse than he thought. And he couldn't stand by in good conscience and watch her fire be extinguished. 

Setting his guitar back into position, he began plucking at the strings again. Carrie shot him another questioning look, with a slightly annoyed huff, but he stuck to his guns and kept playing, offering her nothing but a cheesy, comforting grin in response. "Complain all you want," he chuckled. "But I'm not gonna stop playing." 

Although Carrie just rolled her eyes, she did manage a small, resigned laugh as she gave up on the pushback. And soon, to her surprise, lyrics began to accompany his playing - as gentle and reassuring as his own intent.

All alone, you think you're on your own You think there's no one in the world who cares for you That isn't true, there's me May not be, the one you want to see But if you need someone who's kind then look behind And then you'll find, there's me

I'll be near, standing by Never fear, you can cry But in a while, you will smile And I'll be there to see

By yourself you have to cry yourself Nobody else can cry the tears you have to cry But I will try, there's me Until then, when you're okay again You'll look around, find I'm no longer there I'll still be near somewhere You're not alone, there's me There's always me

I'll still be near somewhere You're not alone; there's me There's always me...

The soft, yet cheeky smiles Riven kept shooting the girl as he sang, paired with the meaning behind the words, and the added special meaning to them both, meant that by the time his strumming faded to silence, Carrie was finally grinning back at him. 

"You really came all the way out here to serenade me with a musical theatre song from the 80s?" she asked with a teasing chuckle, wiping away the last traces of any tears with the heel of her hand. 

"It worked, didn't it?" he teasingly fired back with a satisfied smirk. 

"Touché," she giggled, before hitting with a further pointed eyebrow raise. "But Starlight? Really?"

"Again: it worked, didn't it?" he retorted with a snort of laughter she was all too happy to reciprocate.

"You are way too attached to that show," she chuckled, teasingly bumping his arm.

"It's about roller skating trains - how can I not be attached to it?"

"I don't know, ask literally anyone else at camp," Carrie snorted back, referring to the many attempts the pair had made to try to get even just one of their friends to give the show a chance.

Knowing exactly what the blonde was talking about, Riven just shot her a grin. "They'll come around eventually, trust me."

Giving an equally confident, yet slightly more playful grin back, Carrie conceded with another giggle before continuing. "And when they do, I think you've proven you'd make an excellent CB."

Riven pressed a hand to his chest. "I think that might be the nicest thing you've ever said to me," he said with a comically dramatic earnestness that just had Carrie rolling her eyes again.

"Shut up, I compliment you all the time," she retorted, and her smile only broadened when Riven showed no signs of pushing back. "I'm serious though; if you ever manage to convince Nonna you don't need to be sectioned for suggesting we stage the show, I think you'd be great."

Biting back a laugh, Riven instead decided to lead with sincerity. "Only if you'd be my Dinah," he bargained with a fond, yet knowing grin she, again, gladly shared. But it wasn't long before he started rambling again. "But I'd sacrifice that if it meant you could be Pearl…"

With an affectionate shake of her head, Carrie playfully sighed, "I never play the lead - I can't break my streak now, you know that."

Taking his turn to roll his eyes, he retorted with. "Pearl is not the lead; the whole show's about Rusty."

"Ok well maybe you can play Rusty then, Mr Know-It-All," Carrie teasingly fired back as the pair fell back into their typical, theatre-based ramblings - idly chattering away without a care in the world as the wind pulled the clouds across the sky.

It wasn't until Carrie saw the sunlight skittering across the lake, and heard the distant chatter of counsellors start up again, that she realised her head had finally stopped pounding, and her chest no longer felt as though someone had carved a giant hole into it. Astonished, but grateful nonetheless, Carrie turned back to Riven with a smile. "Thanks for coming to find me, Riv."

Grinning contentedly back, he replied, "Well, I don't like thinking of you being sad. You're like my fun, crazy, big sister - I can't have you moping around like a sadsack."

"You really think of me like a sister?"

"Of course. We don't always understand each other, and I tease the shit out of you at every opportunity I get, but that doesn't mean I don't care about you. You always make me laugh, you're insanely talented, you give the best advice, but you're honest when you need to be - you're everything I'd want in a big sister. Plus, like I said, you're my drama buddy. The shit we put up with from those campers has bonded us for life, whether you like it or not."

Unable to hold back her laughter any longer, it spilled out from her grateful smile as she reached out and wrapped him in a big hug, nestling her face into the well-worn cotton of his hoodie. 

"And you give great hugs," he playfully added, mumbling through her mane of frizzy, golden curls.

"Thanks, Riv," she murmured between giggles, letting herself melt into the comforting reassurance of his embrace.

"Any time, Care Bear."

Sitting back, scouring his half-finished painting with an acutely analytical gaze, Bentley didn't even hear the door to the art barn open, let alone the footsteps that followed. He squinted his eyes, tilted his head from side to side, screwed up his mouth in concentration… And then his vision went dark.

Blinking, eyelashes brushed against an old t-shirt masquerading as a blindfold. But before he could try to question the ambush, a quiet voice broke through his haze of confusion.

"Alright, listen to what I say, or this is not gonna be pretty."

A chuckle couldn't help but slip from Bentley's lips, immediately relaxing as he recognised the voice. "Is that your attempt at sounding threatening?"

"I was actually trying to be reassuring," August countered with a bashful chuckle of his own.

"Oh, well then consider me reassured," Bentley laughed, still idly toying with his paintbrush. "As reassured as anyone can be when they're randomly blindfolded on a Wednesday afternoon. What are you doing anyway?"

"I need to take you somewhere, so put the brush down and get up - but don't go too fast; I've gotta make sure you don't bump into anything," August ordered, tying the old t-shirt in place before clumsily helping the blonde stand, taking him by the shoulders and leading him towards the door.

"Where the hell are we going?" Bentley asked, after they had navigated the stairs in a (somewhat) successful manner - consisting of only one giggling fit, and one almost-total-collapse - as he felt them move from the wooden deck to the uneven grass. 

"I'm not allowed to tell you, but it's nothing bad, trust me."

"Who's forcing you to kidnap me and parade me across camp like a prisoner?"

"You'll find out in a minute," August chuckled, steering him around a tree stump. "But just know that it's nothing bad."

"Well I'd hope not - I'd hate to think you'd willingly be involved in leading me to my demise," Bentley snorted, before continuing with his idle rambling. "Who's roped you into taking me captive anyway?"

"I don't know if I can say; they didn't give me much briefing, and I don't think they expected you to be this…chatty."

Bentley laughed. "Well then they should have sent a more intimidating kidnapper."

"They didn't want to scare you, they just needed you away from Vivien," August admitted, immediately falling silent for a few steps. "...I don't know if I was supposed to say that."

"Ohhh, ok then, so I'm being taken hostage by the competition?" Bentley chuckled through a smirk as he began to piece the puzzle together.

"...Maybe," August confirmed as he rounded the blonde and started to lead him up a new set of steps from the front to make sure he didn't lose his footing. "But if they ask then you figured it out on your own - you didn't hear it from me."

"Well it's not like I had many options; it was either that or some weird camp event I didn't pay attention to the announcement for," Bentley laughed to himself as he blindly stuck his foot out, almost completely missing the step until August repositioned him. "What do they need me for? Information about how our rehearsals are going? And how are you in cahoots with them anyway? Are you abandoning our show for theirs?"

"What? No, just… Hang on, gimme a second," August fumbled through his excuses, fighting to nudge the door open with his foot before carefully pulling his friend inside. "Alright, we're here. Just sit down and listen to what they've got to say, they'll explain everything," he continued, keeping his voice down as he offered the boy further reassurances he was sure he wasn't supposed to. 

Once Bentley was situated on what felt like a metal fold-out chair, August gave his shoulder one last reassuring squeeze before untying the old t-shirt and lifting it away from his eyes. Oddly though, even with the blindfold removed, Bentley could hardly see a thing; whatever cabin they were in had black-out cloths draped across the windows, leaving the room in complete darkness. Well, at least that explained why it had taken August so long to navigate him across the room. 

"Uhh… Hello?" Bentley tried, calling out into what felt like a completely empty room if the thick silence he was met with was anything to go by.

But before he could question his situation any further, a light sprang to life beside him, so bright he had to jerk his head back to save himself from temporary blindness.

Wincing, he tried to take in his now significantly more illuminated surroundings, only to find that he was sitting at a scuffed, fold-out table, occupying the very lamp that seemed to give off more light than the sun itself. Other than that, the rest of the room was swimming in darkness, creating a rather effective interrogation set-up, which he suspected the masterminds behind his kidnapping had hoped for. 

And speaking of these masterminds, just as the afterimages were finally starting to fade from his vision, a figure rolled out of the darkness and up to the table. Yes, quite literally rolled. 

They set their hands on the tabletop in front of him and presented the boy with a smug smile. "Hello, Bentley."

"What are you doing?" Bentley asked, snorting out a laugh at the surreal nature of the entire situation. 

"We have a…preposition for you," Riven slowly explained, his smug smile only broadening. 

"We?" Bentley questioned. "There are more weirdos than you tied up in this thing?"

Suddenly the lamp head was wrenched back, sending the beam of light directly at his face, once again making him jerk his head back. "And just who do you think you're calling a weirdo?"

Eyes watering from the visual assault, Bentley squinted through the brightness until he found a tanned hand clamped around the lamphead. Following it up, he found an all-too-familiar, shadowed face, framed by a mane of unruly golden curls. "Not you?" Bentley offered with a lopsided smile.

Thankfully, the gesture was enough to appease Carrie, who tilted the lamphead back into position - but not before she shot the boy a satisfied smirk in response. 

"You got any other questions? Or can we get down to business?" Riven asked. 

"Uh, yeah: what's with the kidnapping?" Bentley fired back, sporting an amused smirk of his own. "You so worried you'll lose the bet you're turning to torturing the competition?"

"What? No! We just needed you away from the boss," Riven laughed, his comically threatening act disappearing in seconds as he referenced his pint-sized figure skating partner. "Like I said, we've got a preposition for you."

"Couldn't you have just asked me in the dining hall? Or in my room or something?" Bentley went on to ask, still having to squint from the light.

"Well yeah, but where's the fun in that?" came Riven's snorted reply, to which Carrie just grinned and nodded in agreement.

Bentley shook his head at the pair, evidently equally matched in their passion for dramatising the most menial things. "This is so dumb," he breathed, fighting back a smile at the ridiculousness of their whole set-up. "What do you want then? What's this preposition thing?"

Carrie and Riven exchanged a glance, giving each other a confirmatory nod before turning back to the blonde. "…We need your help."

"With what?"

"With the show," Riven clarified.

"The show? Your show?" Bentley spluttered, eyes darting between the pair, looking for any evidence of jesting, yet finding nothing. "I don't understand," he slowly continued. "Why do you want my help? I've got no idea what I'm doing with all this theatre stuff. I'm out of my depth with Viv's show as it is. Plus, I already agreed to be in her's - I can't help out the competition."

"Why not? I am."

Bentley's ears pricked up as a new voice entered the conversation, and to his amazement, when he turned to follow it, he saw a grinning brunette emerging from the darkness on Carrie's right. 

"Mick?! You jumped ship?" Bentley asked, gawping at the grinning girl as though she'd just grown a second nose. "Does Viv know?"

"No, I didn't jump ship," Mick chuckled as she perched on the edge of the fold-out table. "I'm helping out with both."

"What? Why?"

"'Cause I wanted to," she snorted simply. "It's not like there's rules against it. This whole thing's just for fun anyway."

"Yeah, it's not actually a competition - we just both wanted to put on different shows," Riven added.

"Well could you let Viv know that? She's treating this like we're at war - we've all been sworn to secrecy," Bentley said, chuckling at his friend's competitive spirit.

"Oh we know, we already tried to get Mick to squeal but she wouldn't budge," Carrie said, sharing a knowingly playful glance with the brunette.

"And luckily, they had a cool job for me besides just being their spy," Mick cheekily added. "Or else all the effort it took to brainwash me would have been for nothing."

"Which is…?" Bentley tried.

"I'm building the stage," Mick revealed with a proud grin. 

Bentley's eyes went wide. "You guys need to build your own stage?"

Riven and Carrie shared another knowing smirk. "If we want the show to be as awesome as it deserves to be then yeah, it needs a custom stage," Riven confirmed.

"And since Butchy and Miles refused to even hear us out, Mickie stepped up to the plate to handle it all on her own," Carrie added, looping her arm through the brunette's with a fond grin. "And she's doing a way better job than either of those two bozos would have done anyway." 

"Well, I don't know about that…" Mick said with a roguish chuckle. "But I am doing a pretty damn good job."

"Does this mean you're helping with both shows too?" Bentley then asked, turning behind him to look for the friend who'd brought him here, who could do nothing but offer him a sheepish smile. 

"...Yeah," August slowly admitted, before adding a quieter: "You know I'm terrible at saying 'no' to things."

"So your solution is just doing twice the work?" Bentley asked incredulously, the information just serving more of a purpose to fuel his growing need to help August grow a backbone. 

"Well they're not big parts-" he tried to reason.

"You're actually in both of them?" Bentley demanded, his eyes practically popping out of his head when he saw the knee and elbow pads the boy was sporting. "But you don't know how to roller skate."

"They're teaching me," August chuckled, shooting Carrie and Riven a grateful smile. And when Bentley's disbelieving gaze found theirs, they just offered him smug grins and little waves, showing off their own elbow pads as they did so.

Bentley's shock jumped to a whole new level when he spotted Mick's elbow pads though. "You're in it too, Mickie?!"

"Well I didn't like how quickly Butchy dismissed them when they asked him to take part," Mick began, smirking at the very thought. "So I thought I'd teach him a lesson about not judging things at face level."

"Well, we should have known not to expect his neanderthal brain to be able to comprehend such complex concepts as 'having fun'," Carrie retorted with a cheeky dig Mick luckily started to laugh at.

"I've gotta admit, it did sound really corny at first. But once you get past the fact it's all about trains, the show is pretty fun," Mick confessed.

"Duh, of course it's fun, we're directing it," Carrie added, gesturing to the auburn-haired giant behind her, who just laughed in his approval. 

"The whole show's done on roller skates - I still don't understand how anyone could know that and not automatically think it's awesome," Riven said between his chuckles. 

But at that revelation, Bentley's eyes started to grow wide again. "Hold on, you're not expecting me to have a part in your show too, are you?" he asked, horrified at the very idea. "I barely have a handle on what I'm doing in Viv's already, and that's just one show. Plus, I can't even roller skate so-"

"No, we don't need you to be in it," Riven cut in with a chuckle before the blonde's anxious ramblings could make him run out of breath. 

"Unless you want to be in it, then we'd totally find you a part," Carrie tagged on with an encouraging grin. 

"And teach you how to skate," Riven added with a mischievous smirk. "If we can teach Mick, we can teach anyone."

And although Mick's playful whack of Riven's arm did help him relax a touch, Bentley's stance on their offer was still firm: "No thanks, I'm good." But his curiosity was still running rampant as the others giggled at his reaction. "Well if you don't need me to have a part in the show, then what did you need my help for?"

"We wanted to see if you'd be willing to help us with designing and making the costumes," Riven explained.

Bentley thought he had to have misheard him. "The costumes?"

"Yeah," Riven chuckled at the boy's expression. "What's that face for?"

"I don't know the first thing about making costumes - I've never worked with fabric in my life."

Riven and Carrie exchanged another glance. "That's kind of why we need your help," Carrie started.

But when Bentley just looked more confused than ever, Riven went on to explain. "None of the stuff in the playhouse storage bins will work because, well, they're just regular people clothes, so we need to design our own stuff. Juliet's already said she can help construct any actual clothing garments we need, but our main problem is how to actually use the outfits to make us look like trains."

Bentley's thoughts came to a screeching halt. "Wait…you guys are the trains?"

"Yeah."

"You're acting as trains? Singing trains?" They had to be pranking him, right?

"Uh, yeah," Carrie said, sharing another quick glance with Riven.

"What did you think the show was about?" he snorted.

"I don't know, I thought you were just like people working on a railroad or something," Bentley retorted with an incredulous splutter.

"Well we're not, we're the trains," Riven chuckled.

"Yeah, why else would we need to do the whole thing on wheels?" Mick added with a playful wiggle of her skate-clad foot. 

"So what? You want me to…make you look like trains?" Bentley warily asked. "Like with big chimneys coming out of your heads and stuff?"

Fondly rolling her eyes at Bentley's poor attempts at stifling his laughter, Carrie stepped in to try to explain the proposal a little more clearly. "No - we just need to capture the vibe of trains - you don't need to shove us all in cardboard box models. We can show you the costumes of the official productions so you can get an idea of the sort of things we're looking for, but we don't have a huge budget, so we're gonna have to get creative - hence why we came to you," she finished with a proud grin. 

"All we want you to do is draw up some concepts that make us look enough like a train to sell the illusion to the audience. And as long as they're moveable enough for us to skate in, and can be constructed from stuff we've got access to, the rest of the design can be totally down to you," Riven added.

"So basically you've got free reign to make us look as ridiculous as you want," Mick tacked on with a chuckle. 

"But try to be a little nice with it," August gently offered from behind, which just set Bentley off to laugh more.

He did have to admit that the offer sounded quite tempting. After all, he'd never worked on anything like costume designs before - and from the sounds of things, this concept would let him get pretty creative with it; these weren't just average costumes - in fact, they were probably more sculpture than costume anyway. But there was something still holding him back. "I don't know, guys. I don't know if I've got the brain space to work on two shows at once-"

"Oh please, Bentley - come on," Riven pleaded. "We'll look like complete morons out there if we don't have good costumes."

"We will," Mick earnestly confirmed. "Trust me, It's not pretty."

"Well if I'm on Vivien's side then don't I want you guys to look like complete morons?" he asked with a mischievous giggle.

"Maybe, but where's the fun in a landslide victory?" Riven countered with a smirk. 

"Come on, Benny, please," came Carrie's attempt at begging. "I'll sit with you and help you learn all your lines whilst you work on the costumes."

Bentley's ears pricked up. "...Really?"

"Mhm," she confirmed with a kind nod. "And I can give you all my tips for breaking down the script into easier parts to manage; I know they can seem really daunting when you try to go through them all at once."

Now that sounded like an offer he could get behind. He'd already been toying with the idea of asking Carrie for help with the seemingly impossible task of learning his lines, but had chickened out every time. There were just so many - it was like they all blurred into one every time he'd even open a page. And he hated the thought of letting Vivien down because he couldn't get his brain to work how he wanted it to, so if Carrie could actually help him get through a scene without having to look at his script the entire time… Maybe it'd be worth giving up a few pages of his sketchbook to designing train-transformer-wannabes.

But he couldn't let them think he was that easy of a target… "I don't know guys, it just doesn't feel right going behind Viv's back like this-"

"Oh come on, Benny, please," Carrie tried again, with a touch more dramatic desperation.

"I'll do your dish duty for the rest of summer," Riven attempted to bribe.

But that just spurred on Bentley's reluctance even more. After all, he was rather curious about what else he could squeeze out of the pair to help sweeten the deal. "...I'm listening."

"You can have the rest of my pudding cups with dinner each night?" Riven offered. "And you don't have to go behind Viv's back," he added. "Don't go and tell her outright, but if she asks you about it then you're totally free to tell her. And if she's not happy about it, you can back out any time you want."

"Well, okay, but I still don't know if I'll have the time to-"

"If you say 'yes' we'll get you that rare Spiderman comic you want," Riven threw out in a moment of sheer desperation.

Bentley's heart skipped a beat. Damn, they really did want his help.. "...Seriously?" he breathed, eyes widening at the very prospect.

"Sure, Carrie'll cover it - won't you, Carrie?" Riven confirmed with a smirk as he gave the blonde's shoulder a squeeze. 

Shooting him a sharp glance, she hissed a tight: "I will?"

"Of course you will," Riven verified, his mischievous smirk only broadening as Carrie's mildly murderous glare was replaced with Bentley's whole-hearted satisfaction.

"Alright, done. Pass me a pen and some paper," he said, sealing the deal with a barked laugh and a cheesy grin before either one of them could back down on their offers again. 

"Welcome aboard, Bentley," Riven replied, shooting him a victorious smile as he reached across the table and shook the boy's hand. 

But just as Riven and the others were starting to unload all their ideas for potential costume concepts onto Bentley, with what he found to be startling levels of enthusiasm, the room's main lights flickered to life, illuminating a seething head of green hair in the doorway. Before Bentley could question the girl's sudden appearance, or could let his eyes adjust to the drastic shift in brightness though, she called out to her band partner with thunderous urgency.

"Riv, you've got a hell of a lot of explaining to do; I just looked up this 'Belle' character you want me to play - care to tell me why she's described as 'ancient' and 'peeling'?" an outraged Jade demanded. "Or why you thought I'd be so perfect to play her?"

Rolling his eyes and just laughing off the girl's anger, Riven quickly tried to appease her with a teasing: "That's not the version of her we're using, dummy. And don't you dare try to tell me you're not perfect for her - you nap all the fucking time."

As Riven and Jade broke off into their own friendly spat, and Mick and Carrie started up their own conversation about what Mick had been practising last on her skates, Bentley found himself turning to August - this time taking his turn to wear the awkwardly sheepish smile. "Why do I get the feeling I've signed up for way more than I can handle?"

"Oh come on, don't worry, it'll be fun," August reassured before offering a joke to further set him at ease. "And hey, at least you're getting a backstage job and a comic book out of it - all I'm gonna get is on-stage embarrassment and massive quads."

The guffaws spilled from Bentley's lips before he could stop them - and after glancing around to watch Carrie clumsily catching Mick (who looked as if she'd just stepped on a banana peel in an old cartoon) before she could fall, and Riven playfully bickering with Jade in the doorway, he started to think that working with them on this project might not be so bad after all. Plus, a whole costume concept all to himself? He could definitely have some fun with that…

[teammelodies]

So I got a bunch of undertale soul OCs

And I decided that I'm gonna share them with the internet in order of creation.

The Patience Soul

Hope (she/her)

She's the first of the human soul OCs I have, I've had her for years at this point. She's a sweet little girl who's happy to sit and wait when she's told to. She was blind, and her parents couldn't afford to care for her, so they had to give her up to the orphanage with the plan to earn enough money to be able to take care of her (sadly, that would never happen). Her ribbon was the last gift she got from her parents before they died tragically.

Now *initially* I didn't consider whether Hope would be a pre-undertale soul (before the game) or a post-undertale soul (after the game). Buuut I do have a basic idea of how she would've fallen underground if she was a pre-undertale soul.

See, not every human is a good person (there has to be a reason that Chara didn't like humanity, after all), and not every kid in the orphanage that Hope stayed was very nice to her. Some of those kids were cruel enough to bring Hope up the mountain and push her down.

The Justice Soul

Astrea (she/her)

She is the first Soul I made after Hope and was made very recently, much like the rest of the souls. I made her on whim, really, and the rest of the souls followed. Took some inspiration from Starlo with her poncho, and as a nod to Clover (and the omega flowey fight), I put a clover on her hat.

Something I did with Astrea and all the other souls is find names that mean whatever their soul trait is. "Astrea" comes from Astraea, the Greek goddess of justice. (It's also a spacey name, which gave me a good excuse to put stars on her poncho)

Clever, right?

Anyway, much like Clover in yellow, Astrea goes up the mountain in search of the humans that went missing before her.

The Perseverance Soul

Perry (he/they)

Perry is one of those bookworm types with a passion for writing and journalism. He carries a notebook everywhere he goes, so he's always able to write down his thoughts. (Kinda like me, except I carry paper around to draw with LOL)

Perry (at least of the site I initially found it) is a gender neutral name that's a "playful take on perseverance", but it also means traveller, pilgrim, or "one who dwells by the pear tree" which is neat too I guess.

Being a journalist in the making, Perry most likely went up the mountain to write a story about the monsters that live there, to get the truth about what they're really like.

The Bravery Soul

Casey (they/them)

Casey is one of those kids that will sock you in the nose if you do something to hurt their friends. The first thing they'll do is punch you. They aren't afraid of getting in trouble. (Ngl, they do seem to dance on the line between brave and reckless sometimes, at least in my mind... idk, still developing their character a bit)

Fun fact, when making Casey, I had *no idea* what wether I was gonna make them a boy or a girl, and in the end, I decided on neither.

Casey's name means watchful, vigilant, and brave.

They probably went up the mountain seeking adventure, not sure tbh. Casey and the next two souls are the ones I haven't fully figured out reasons for going up the mountain yet.

The Kindness Soul

Winnie (she/her)

Winnie is an absolute sweetheart, as you can imagine with her being the kindness soul. And, of course, she has a passion for cooking.

Winnie's name doesn't *directly* mean kindness. It means fair and pure (or that's just one meaning)

She probably went up the mountain to find some ingredients.

The Integrity Soul

Olive (They/Them)

I wanted to do something different with Olive because most of the versions of the integrity soul I've seen were all girls, so I decided to try and make a boy. But of course, I ended up changing them to look like they could be either gender (not that Olive would really mind if they're misgendered. I'm thinking they're more fluid than anything.)

Olive is one of those people who usually has their head in the clouds, if that's the right away of describing them. (They're sort of like a Luna lovegood type of character if that helps, but a little more chill?)

I actually chose the name "olive" because I kept seeing the name "oliver" and I thought I'd go for something more gender neutral.

Olive is (of course) a name derived from the olive tree, which "signals a time of integrity and peaceful power, when we are being asked to own the decisions we made"

Pretty cool.

I have no idea why Olive would go up the mountain.

Okay, so then, if these characters are the humans that fell before frisk, how would they lose their souls?

I will take a note out of UTY's book and say that, presuming they were all pasifistic, all of them gave up their souls willingly.

I think doing this would fit their soul traits, too.

Hope gives up her soul, knowing that she'll be helping to free the monsters with a little patience

Casey gives up their soul to help the monsters stay brave

Olive does it because they think it's the morally right thing to do, showing integrity

Perry does it to help the monsters perservere

Winnie does it out of kindness

And much like Clover, Astrea does it to bring them justice

(Okay so some of the reasoning might be stretching it, but still)

Delving into a bit of AU territory

Something I like to think happens as well is that every soul that dies becomes a ghost that follows the next soul that falls, so the first Soul would be alone, the next soul would have the first soul, the third would have the first two souls, and so on so forth until frisk who has seven ghost children (including chara, who was awoken by frisk's determination) following them around.

And then when the souls are used to break the barrier, they return to their bodies, and they all live together with frisk.

"But how would that be possible?" I hear you asking, "How come their bodies are still healthy enough to return to?"

Mmmmmmagic!

If anyone wants to know more or have any questions about these guys or the "Souls AU," feel free to ask!

Bonus images

[kissbentennyson]

Hello there, how do you do? ＼⁠(⁠^⁠o⁠^⁠)⁠／

I recently found your blog and got to say I was so excited to explore it, hehe! Nowadays it's hard to find some Ben 10 account so I was really happy when I come across yours.

Anyways though I wanted to request but since I got no idea for now I think might interact with you since you sound like any interactive person (⁠ㆁ⁠ω⁠ㆁ⁠)

Yk what made you write for Ben 10 fandom since you know not many fall in love with their childhood interest later in life. Honestly I get into Ben 10 again when few days earlier my cousin was watching Ben 10 online and I end up watching one episode with him too and thus my old love for series and character rise again 🐀

Would like to see your answer. Anyways have a wonderful day ahead and don't forget to eat your meal. Byeeee!

Hi! I am so sorry it took me so long to see this! I have no idea how long this has been sitting in my ask box, I'm not active on this blog anymore. I was unaware that it's still getting just as much attention as it did when I was in high school. Just a warning, this is a very long response.

To answer your question, It's not that I fell in love with it later in life, but that I never stopped loving it.

I am autistic, and have had the same handful of interests since I was younger. Ben 10, Transformers, DC, Marvel, Devil May Cry, to name a few. Most of my interests were influenced by the people I grew up around. like my abusers. I also have a biological who is only two years younger than me. The two of us have always had the most of the same interests our entire life, but my interest in these things was always more intense than his. To the point my bio family found it annoying.

For context, we didn't know I was autistic growing up. We didn't have health insurance for most of my developmental years. It took being taken into foster care for my most of my health- mental and physical- to be cared about, addressed, and treated. It also doesn't help that my cousin (son of a very close family friend) is also autistic and we have different care needs. Because I didn't present exactly like him, my behavior was ignored. Written off as me being quirky, whiney, needy, annoying, antisocial, and stupid/ditsy.

Having the same interests as your younger brother is a doubled edged sword. On one hand, you always have someone to talk to. On the other, despite being more into something than him my interest wasn't taken seriously (because I am AFAB) and he was always got the toys and books (that he would never even read) about said interests. I always had to sit and watch as he got to enjoy things about our shared interest- and I was always left out.

I remember when my grandmother got him an Omnitrix toy that came with these tiny plastic figures of all of the aliens, and when you placed it on the Omnitrix, the toy would say the alien's name. I was so jealous, I wanted that toy so badly. But, siblings being siblings, if my brother found me playing with it he would throw a fit and get me in trouble. This caused me a lot of stress and anxiety growing up. Not just because It was invalidating, but also because I was being denied access to my special interest in a way.

However, there is one thing that my brother and I don't share. I love to read and write. To the point it was an actual problem when I was growing up. I would stay up on our bunk bed, reading and writing for so long that I would miss meals entirely. But, It was something they could never take away from me for force me to share with my brother. I have been writing about my special interests since I was in the 6th grade. Of course, my mother threw away most of it, and its all in notebooks rotting in some landfill now.

When I was 16, I made this blog and started posting reader insert fanfiction here- which I had already done for another fandom once before (@honeydew-mel0n). Actually, I was posting on both blogs at the same time! Before that, I had a Wattpad that I posted on (Still do, actually, haha.) I stopped posting on this blog after I graduated high school as I had collage classes to focus on, and eventually a job.

I no longer post here, not because it's no longer a special interest, but because I'm going to be 20 soon. I don't feel it's appropriate for me, as an adult, to continue to write such content about characters that are minors. It now makes me uncomfortable to do so. However, I am going to keep the blog up because many people like it and continue to read it. I'd never want to take that away from anyone. I do have a bunch of old drafts saved that I might post, but only if people would want to read my unfinished drafts. There is also a part of me that wants to keep exploring the Benzarro plot I was writing- but I probably won't

I hope this makes sense, thank you for asking!

-Sunshine

[catchyhuh]

What sort of hobbies or interests do you imagine the Gang having (outside thievery or arresting said thieves)? And do they influence the way they go about their usual antics, or are they mostly Unrelated to everything else in their lives? :0c

oohhooohoho this is a good one because i have a small handful of actual canonical hobbies/interests that come up occasionally and then i have the ones that solely exist in my mind palace. at least until tms decides to let a random little shrimp from america take the reins on their most longrunning successful franchise anyway,

lupin:

i can’t remember if i mentioned lupin loves puzzles. wait yes i did in the video game list SORRY I’M ALREADY HAVING TROUBLE REMEMBERING WHAT I HAVE AND HAVEN’T GONE OFF ABOUT but yes in canon lupin LOVES puzzles. less like, jigsaw puzzles, more like shapey puzzles. but hell man if you can get him to sit still long enough he might like a jigsaw one just to pass the time

i think he likes cooking. him, jigen and goemon all seem to really Get it. so count this under all of them, they just love yummy food and occasionally the process of making it too

he likes to draw :) somebody has to be behind all the slightly different variants of his little mascot guy. SOMEBODY has to redraw bank floor plans so they can plan out each tiny step of the heist. somebody has to scribble over his own wanted posters to put funny little devil horns on the image CMON now!!

jigen:

only jigen could be in a fucking arcade theater complex and pull out a fucking crossword puzzle. why is this dude honestly trying to speedrun being a grouchy old man before he even turns 40. i mean no hate, no hate to crossword puzzles, they are cool but i’m more of a wordsearch guy. BUT THERE’S OTHER STUFF TO DO JIGEN!! at least he’s not going for sudoku though

very random but i think he might like sewing in a passive sense. with how particular he is about his hat and really ANY clothes on his person, he probably just picked up a needle one day to fix a tear and then was like Huh. this isn't too bad actually. kinda repetitive and calming. and then the others found out and tried to get him to fix all their stuff too SO HALF PLEASANT AND HALF NOT SO PLEASANT

fujiko:

you may think i’m insane but fujiko must genuinely have some sort of fondness for computers and technology. more than she lets on at least, because. how DO you know how to fly every type of aircraft. how DO you know how to crack into almost any computer firewall? how do you know how to isolate a computer virus as it’s ALREADY corrupted HALF OF THE SYSTEM?? this goes beyond job necessity to me she must really have some hidden underlying passion for this stuff

i think it’d be cute if she took up some kinda journaling. i mean god knows she’s not writing about her FEELINGS in that little leather notebook, and she doesn’t really have the time to commit to like, scrapbook shit (even if she had the time, she’s not sentimental like that) but something simple like “this is a list of m&m variants in order of how disgusting to not disgusting they taste to me <3” with little candy stickers and gel pen hearts drawn in. the next page has a bloodstain on it and the only thing written is “dw about that lol”

goemon:

okay i KNOW i’ve pushed the Arts Enjoyer goe agenda before but i recently saw that part 3 production art again of him chilling with the pottery wheel so i must state, once again, goemon LOVES sculpting shit in all forms. chip away at some rock, throw zantetsuken at a block of wood, actually invest in some clay for fucking once, whatever he uses, he’ll make something pretty good. and even if it wasn’t good it’s still a fun hobby for him. keeps his hands loose but precise

oh my god you know what he would love. dominoes. you know when people make those like crazy long domino strings that form a pattern when they’ve all fallen. if anybody here could have the precision and strangely placed patience to do shit like that it’s definitely this guy

zenigata:

going through this list easily and eagerly typing up little funfacts about things i do know they like outside of their. “jobs” and then slowly realizing as i get to zenigata that i... cannot think of anything he. uh. does for fun. damn. he DOES talk about movies a lil bit from time to time, and knowing his mixture of a freakish eye for detail and also missing the most obvious things ever i bet hearing him talk about a movie is twice as fun as actually watching it. i would pay HUNDREDS to hear him try to explain what he thinks of space odyssey to me

it would be-- i have no reasoning for this but it would be so cute and hilarious if he did like. tiny magic tricks. you know? like card appearing out of thin air, coin behind your ear type shit. tiny stuff he figured out on his brief off time. we know lupin can do little stuff like that too but it'd just be hilarious if zenigata, completely unawarely and unintentionally for once, ended up being better than him at some inconsequential shit like making a pair of keys disappear

and i guess in light of recent discoveries they all like golf. apparently. well. no one is perfect

[sayitalianolearns]

Hey, I'd like to know how you teach yourself korean?🙃

안녕! :)

Well ofc it depends on the way you generally like to study (you can try different methods and see which one works better for you if you're still unsure). What I did generally works for learning languages in general (at least for me), but yeah.... (there are some different approaches in this masterpost)

First of all I learnt hangul, then moved onto basic grammar sentences/structure and vocabs... daily stuff mostly, like a kid. And tried to practice writing (both on computer and handwriting) while exercising (relying on Papago too). My resources were/are langblrs on here like @bieups @a-pop-of-korean (TY! Their resources are organized also by levels which is so useful -despite I tend to wander at times lol but WHATEVER) and some others I cannot remember but will try to add (or you can check my reblogs anyway under the tag #ref) and grammar videos on youtube in ENG-KOR or (more recently tho) KOR with ENG/KOR subs. TBH I started with a very basic yt course in Italian for free which offered also explanations by natives/people living in Korea for years + exercises. Anyway when studying grammar, I also take notes actively on paper (I have a bunch of notebooks for grammar and vocabs or other stuff that may be useful -I'm personally badly organized but you can divide notebooks according on your needs like one for exercises, another for grammar, one for vocabs, one for music and so on).

I used to follow a Memrise course (which I totally should start doing again): I found this website/app to be very good for me personally when it comes to learn languages (I studied Russian as well on there). I'm not a Duo fan: their course (especially the Korean one) is not well organized imo... Memrise has good vocabulary but also natives short videos useful for pronunciation/listening (there are many courses there, you can choose any you rather... I think there's a Topik -Korean language exam- one too). I add to this (when I can, that's why I'm lacking a bit in this skill) watching Korean videos on YT (information/news, interviews, lives, tv shows, cooking/recipes videos, or shows like Going Seventeen and Run BTS...) and listening to podcasts (both on yt and spotify) and Kpop (translating songs -some can be found online already translated, also on here ofc which you can use both to learn directly and to check if you did your translation well).

I read Korean texts, even more if from natives (I joined Weverse for example for listening too, but also on here I try to read as much as I can). The only books I bought myself are these two in the pic below (and I bought them on Amazon for like around... 30 euros both? Idr sorry). The visual dictionary has a bit of grammar and general infos here and there too but I admit I am not using it as much as I tought: I learn vocabs more often through sentences/music or texts. The Folktales book instead is like my fav thing rn as it has KOR&ENG texts + vocabulary lists and also exercises/comprehension tests at the end of each story + Korean culture notes that are so very cool. I can read Korean (and also listen: there are audios online for each story) and practice all at once (I also write summaries of those folktales and it's good for fixing certain idiomatic expressions/words too). Disclaimer: it doesn't have much for beginners TBH so wait a little before buying it (if you are thinking about this chance ofc). I think that to learn a language, one needs to understand the culture and traditions (history/development, celebrations, dishes and how they originated too, hot takes/povs on stuff) of the country speaking it as well so I've been trying to learn about this too. And on this matter I find very useful to watch also videos of Italian youtubers living in Korea (a better pov for me since it's by people who were basically raised with my same habits and traditions, at least for most part).

What else...? Well, I've been writing daily a diary on here for more than a year now (mostly to practice and collect resources) and whenever I get the chance, I try to put myself out there and send asks or reply to people's posts or anything in Korean (ofc to langblr/studyblr/people that know the language LOL -and yeah I'm ANNOYING but... yeah). The only way to learn is to try and make mistakes, hopefully someone will answer me and/or correct me :P

OFC if you can join a proper course or find an online teacher/study buddy on some good app or on here too (@booksbluegurl was up to something, not sure how it ended TBH), probably that would help you better. Interactions are so fundamental, as they help us think in another language more easily and more often imo (and Korean grammar works totally differently from English or Italian, we need to think in a different way when expressing ourselves: "I do this" VS "I this do", eg.). But if you are uncomfortable, take your time by focusing on your learning process... the rest will come with time :) And when you feel okay to, talk out loud in Korean or read out loud: it makes a huge difference as it helps you fix words in your mind and realize where you lack so to work better on that (it's not that easy to pronounce every word/combination correctly at first, I often find myself having to repeat some sentences more than once to be able to say them "decently").

Best of luck on your journey~

[ominous-feychild]

✦ Writerly Questionnaire ✦

Thank you so much for tagging me, @the-golden-comet!! This looks fun, and a lot of these are questions I love answering and wanted to share here eventually, anyway! 😊

About Me

When did you first start writing?

It depends on how you define that, and then what you consider "writing", haha. 😅😭 I started this one garbage self-insert fic when I was 8, but didn't get far into it, haha. Then I wrote at least 100 pages of a horrible novel in a notebook at age 11. I consider the time I "officially" started writing to be when I started consistently doing so in 2014... when I started roleplaying on Google+. Before long, I'd formed my own stories from ideas I'd come up with in those rps and eventually settled on working on writing with a single writing partner for 5 years. We have since parted ways as of almost 3 years now.

Are the genres/themes you enjoy reading different from the ones you write?

Yes and no? Here's the thing: I absolutely adore my niche genre of "high fantasy and Used To Magic So Barely Questions It, but placed in a world that resembles modern besides a variable lack of technology. Oh, and we focus more on the characters than anything else!" But, uh... at least as far as I've found, that really isn't common. Especially not stories that also play faeries for horror, which is one of my favorite things, haha. I'm very firm and comfy in my writing genre. I've dipped elsewhere, but they're a lot harder for me to write and nowhere near as fulfilling, haha. However! I do love reading other genres, too! I love superhero and superhero-esque stories, I like a good amount of those "video game stuff popped up in real life" things, and yeah! Lots more. So it's less of a thing of "not liking the genre I write" or even "not being able to find it" and more of a "I like writing something very specific, but still enjoy other stuff". 😊

Is there an author (or just a fellow writer!) you want to emulate, or one to whom you’re often compared?

Ohhh this is kinda a difficult question? Nobody's ever told me specifically whether or not I resemble any other writers, and I only want to "emulate" other writers very loosely? I compare my worldbuilding to Tolkein's because I've been working on it for almost 6 years, have steadily been building out individual cultures and half-creating languages, have literally done weeks' worth of research on Earth Sciences to be able to build out a planet that Works... and then half threw it all out when I came up with the Faewildes and realized I can bullshit it. 😂😅😭 (Note: I still do not fully bullshit it though. Just don't stress as much as I used to.)

Can you tell me a little about your writing space(s)? (Room, coffee shop, desk, etc.)

Confession: I've moved around way too much and been way too poor to have any "solid" writing space that I'd like. I used to like going to cafes, getting some tea, and sitting by a window I could stare outside (and dissociate to) while hallucinating scenes before writing them. But for a long while, I've been too poor to be able to do that. It's actually probably one of the reasons I've struggled a lot to write recently now that I think about it... but oh, well. Since then, I tend to prop myself up in my bed with my stuffed animals and squishmallows forming a throne of sorts as I write. (Helps prevent back/neck pain, or at least push its onset back.)

What’s your most effective way to muster up some muse?

Editing my old writing and listening to The Story's Music! It helps me get back into the headspace of the relevant character(s) and it brings my mind back into the "prose writing" state. (Clarification: 99% of the music I listen to is associated with an entire story, one of my characters, a specific scene, or some combination of the above. It's both fun and one of my oldest ways of tricking my AuDHD brain into writing!)

Did the place(s) you grew up in influence the people and places you write about?

Ha... the trauma sure did!

Are there any recurring themes in your writing, and if so, do they surprise you at all?

Trauma, discrimination, and poverty. No, they do not surprise me, because they've all been a huge part of my life. SaS is a rare exception because (as I was initially creating it for a writing contest) I specifically created it to be very mainstream... but also mixed in a lot of my personal interests to get me through it. However, I think those themes (minus poverty in the MCs) still shine through, they're just a lot more subtle.

My Characters

Would you please tell me about your current favorite character? (Current WIP, past WIP, never used, etc.)

Technically, dare I say, a LOT of my characters are "among my favorite characters". However, as I've gone on record saying, it's probably Gene, one of the MCs of the Arcane Rifts, haha. However! Since I already have an Ask in my inbox about him (I'll get to those eventually, I swear 🙏) I'll go elsewhere! I think among my top favorite characters would probably be Carmin, Basil, Caron, Xao (pronounced "How", and yes he never hears the end of it), Tobin, Sammy, and Quinn! Tbh I definitely could've listed more, as I said, I love most of them-- Quinn, though! Is the son of the Existence of Fate, one of the "oldest gods" of my stories. He's forced to see all of time, always. That mistake he made 300 years ago? Almost literally burned into his brain. That mistake you made five seconds ago? Also there. Something happening on the complete other side of the world? Yep. And actions people will commit 500 years from now? You betcha. Except, the "future" events can change, and more drastically so the further they are in the future. Butterfly effect and all. He and his mother, Fate, are constantly doing things in pursuit of... what? Well, they have a plan... but I obviously can't say, haha. Dude's horribly traumatized, though--he's constantly witnessing every single atrocity ever committed and has even watched others that would've been committed played on repeat in his mind until he found a Timeline that prevented it. He's long-since grown used to it, but also consider... his own life is in there. Nothing that happens to him will ever be a surprise. Not except for when he creates a new timeline by changing events that should've otherwise happened. That's why he's constantly telling jokes and being obnoxious to people he doesn't like--to humor himself for the small moments they're new to him. Kid's (he's frozen at a young age because powerful magic + ageless-immortality) depressed af... but it's okay. He's working towards something he believes in. So why are Quinn and Fate actively doing horrible things if they want to make things better? Guess you'll have to find out! In ten-thousand years when I finally write the reveal. (I love Quinn so much istg--)

Which of your characters do you think you’d be friends with in real life?

Oh, that's hard. Probably Gene! Maybe Freya, but definitely Daleira and Faer! Here, let me just-- Probably: Gene, Mislav, Faer, Liesel, Maritza, Grimnir, Caron Definitely: Daleira, Damaris, Ludmila, Rada, Carmin, Cricket Possibly: Freya, Crow (but I'd possibly find them irritating / overwhelming), Adilzhan, Caspar, Soren, Zarina, Basil (Half of the "probably/possibly"s is because I'm not sure if they'd like me. Especially Zarina. Omfg I love her so much but idk if she'd like me at all.)

Which of your characters would you dislike the most if you met them?

Oh, dear. This is a difficult question. I'll start with characters you guys know--Tazin and Valyarus. Hands down. Tazin because he's way too loud/crude and he would both overstimulate me and piss me off to no end. Valyarus, well... because he's an egotistical, rich prick. Enough said? But actually? Half of the Existentials. Order especially, Fire, and Storm. Perhaps not so coincidentally, all of the "top gods" besides Fate herself...

Tell me about the process of coming up with of one, all, or any of your characters.

So it depends on the character and why I'm creating them! There's a few different ways one of my characters can come to be, but uh... we'll start with explaining Oska's creation! So, from the beginning, Oska was created to just be the leader of the khonitva (a gang). Originally, he was going to have a rather small role in the story--the khonitva and the reason he was the leader were more important. His main role in the first draft was showing up at a REALLY bad time, capturing the relevant MC(s), and killing another character. So all I worked on was his personality (it related to how/why he was the leader) and his motives. He became an angy man out for vengeance and basically nothing else. Then I expanded on tAR, turning it from a duology to... well it'll be 5 or 6 books now. 😅 The first two books would spend more time in Kavo (the town Gene lives in), and so Oska's character expanded. A MASSIVE part of his character was tied to the death of his brother, so I did a little expanding on his brother, and he had a "sidekick" in Rieka, the khonitva's healer who (even from early drafts) had romantic feelings for him (but at the time they weren't mutual; Oska had too much anger for his brother's death). Oska's character has perpetually been focused on his brother's death and his role as the leader of the khonitva, so I simply expanded it so that--rather than just being the leader--he cared for the khonitva like a family because it was the only bit of "family" he had left. So uh... I guess I focus on the most important part(s) of the characters relative to the story, then expand on them? That's the "role in the story" method I flesh out a character, at least, haha. Otherwise, if I'm just trying to create something with a very VAGUE role/idea, I'll often look at writing prompts, artwork, the literal superpower wiki, and fandoms I'm not part of for something to make me start to think. Y'know, have ideas. I'd get into an example, but this section is already pretty long, haha!

Do you notice any recurring themes/traits among your characters?

COUGH the social Others or socially-othered COUGH impoverished and/or exploited COUGH abused by a parental figure COUGH abused in general COUGH neurodivergent and/or gay COUGH, WHEEZE, HACK-- Ugh, sorry, idk what just happened there. Probably the fact that a lot of them are socially awkward, have anxiety, have a "different" way of communicating, and/or are emotionally withdrawn? And I accidentally give my autism to a lot of them. 😎😭

How do you picture them? (As real people you imagined, as models/actors who exist in real life, as imaginary artwork, as artwork you made or commissioned, anime style, etc.)

Through Pinterest boards! I have aphantasia and can't really see things in my head very well (if at all), so I'll use Pinterest boards to collect images that have the Vibe™ or characteristics of my individual characters... which is incredibly difficult for my inhuman or even more ordinarily diverse characters. Like, I'd get into a tangent about "why is 90% of art on the internet of white and/or conventionally attractive people" but uh... I don't think I have to here. Anyway! Yeah, a lot of my characters, I'll have vague ideas/impressions of what they look like and seek things out along those lines. Freya, for example, I basically immediately knew to have poofy red hair like Brave's Merida. Some characters are a lot harder, because I think I know a certain thing is a fact... when apparently I saw them as a completely different race without realizing??? (RIP White Rada for example. I was actively TRYING to make a majority of tAR's characters white because they're so xenophobic but no. 😅)

My Writing

What’s your reason for writing?

I used to space out and "hallucinate" scenes of my writing while going about my day. It was my way of coping with the rest of my life, which really wasn't great. (I mean it still isn't now but, y'know. It's much better!) Since I started working on novels, my goal has shifted. I mean--I still write for myself and my own enjoyment first and foremost. But I don't just want to write for myself--I also want to write for others. Here, let me just share a majority of my bio from Tapas--

I'm an autistic woman who's lived through a variety of experiences and places, and like to include things reflecting that. Diverse characters, cultures, environments, and politics (different within each in-story location!) appear in my writing. I like weaving life lessons--through the experiences of relatable characters--into the stories I tell. Many people see themselves or the people around them reflected in the characters they see in books, so I think it's helpful for people to be able to see those same kinds of people within fiction so they can reflect on the relationships within their own lives.

Is there a specific comment or type of comment you find particularly motivating coming from your readers?

THEORIES!!!

I absolutely love it when people theorize because:

I put oh-so many mysteries and hints toward Truths

it shows they're paying attention

it shows they care enough to try to pick out the pieces and put them together!

I can see how well I'm doing with the seeding of hints if people are noticing them... even/especially if they realize they're important but don't know how/in what way!

How do you want to be thought of by those who read your work? (For example: as a literary genius, or as a writer who “gets” the human condition; as a talented worldbuilder, as a role model, etc.)

Oh dear, you're trying to out me as an egotist now, aren't you?

WELL CONGRATS, I'M FALLING FOR IT--

I'd like to think of myself as a writer who does amazing worldbuilding and makes realistic characters, so... obviously it'd be awesome if others thought of me the same way, haha. I mean, otherwise, I'd really just prefer people enjoy my writing in general? Tbh I don't have any other goals besides enjoying it myself and making others happy with it.

What do you feel is your greatest strength as a writer?

I would say realistic and diverse characters. I'm a huge fan of psychology, love learning about other cultures, and listen to the stories of people from a lot of various backgrounds. I like to think those things allow me to write characters with a variety of backgrounds, worldviews, and personalities.

What have you been frequently told your greatest writing strength is by others?

Nobody's necessarily said it's my "greatest" strength, but the most common compliment I receive about my writing is that it's very easy to read and picture what I'm describing!

How do you feel about your own writing? (Answer in whatever way you interpret this question.)

Uhm... this is a difficult question to answer. I like my stories, but I struggle with prose. I overthink a lot and sometimes have a very hard time describing things in good part because of my aphantasia, but it can be very validating to hear when I do a good job with it.

I have a lot more fun creating the ideas and maybe even making outlines than I do actually writing them--but I'm pretty sure that's kinda normal, haha?

My writing today is very different from what it was 3 years ago, back when I was still writing with my old RP partner (we'd planned to publish together). It was a lot more grimdark before, and tbh I never liked that and only came to terms with that after we parted ways. Then, I put my time and effort into working on tAR (solely my own work even then), clearing out a lot of the grimdark-ness, and building it out to what it is today. I'd temporarily abandoned our old projects because I needed to cut her stuff out, but didn't know how to, and it was painful to try.

it was only a handful of months ago that I revisited my old works with her and found that it's no longer painful. So I've finally been bringing together my old worldbuilding with the kind of writing I want to make today--which still requires a lot of changes and updating.

In short: I love writing, though it can be very emotionally-loaded. I have a lot of insecurities relating to the quality thereof, but I'm pretty sure that's universal, haha.

If you were the last person on earth and knew your writing would never be read by another human, would you still write?

Of course! Though it'd likely be more outlines than actual prose, haha. After all, I primarily write for myself first and foremost.

When you write, are you influenced by what others might enjoy reading, or do you write purely what you enjoy? If it’s a mix of the two, which holds the most influence?

Yes and no; so it's a mix of the two. The priority, of course, is what I enjoy writing. However, I do want to become a published author and (hopefully) live primarily off of it one day. That goal means I also have to cater somewhat to what I know other people will like/what makes sense to them.

However, I don't particularly think that's a problem in my case! In application to tAR, I refuse to change it in a lot of its core ways--aka the multiple plots going on at once, the MCs starting as children, the mixture of invented words from their native language, and the fact that it doesn't cleanly fit into any genre--so figuring out how to make it otherwise palatable for others to read is more of a fun challenge for me actually!

SaS is different, however. I purposely made it very mainstream due to initially starting it for a contest (which has since ended), and I think those clichés make it much less enjoyable for me than it otherwise would be. But that can still be changed! I'm working on building out SaS as you read this--that's part of why I focus on it with Asks--so hopefully I'll come to love it half as much as I do tAR!

(And, I mean, to be fair, SaS has been growing on me lately! So it seems to be working at least a little! I think SaS was also very unique for my stories in that I made it to be a story rather than picking out events that I already saw happening in the world I've made, so it's been harder to get into it in general.)

Looks like I've rambled more than I should again, haha. 😅😭 Hope it was still worth reading and/or that you guys enjoyed it anyway??

Tagging (with no pressure): @honeybewrites @yourpenpaldee @the-letterbox-archives @darkandstormydolls

Divider by @cafekitsune

[kathxsoupp]

In Love With a Fever: Chapter 5

William Afton x law enforcement ! reader (fem)

HELLO HI I'M BACK FROM THE DEAD!!!!

Summary: Reader is a detective who was put on the missing children incident case, her person of interest is William and is currently investigating him.

WARNINGS: very graphic violence throughout the whole fic, eventual smut, slow burn, age-gap between reader and Will, manipulation, mutilation, broken bones, use of pet names, Will is obsessive, mentions of death, death and murder, there will be smut, a lot probably, I think, dub-con at some point maybe, fluff and angst, idk if I missed something just read with caution

Notes: NOT ENTIRELY LORE ACCURATE!!! This fic is also posted on my AO3, linked in my pinned post, I'm updating this fic every Monday and it's the first thing I have ever posted, so I hope you like it!

--MINORS DNI--

Chapter 5

He stood before his office window, thoughts racing through his mind. The satisfaction of his perfect plan slowly but surely working out made him feel like he was on top of the world. The clueless girl like an angel sent from heavens above right there for him to use. He promised himself he wasn’t actually going to fall in love with her or anything. He didn’t perceive her as that special. She was just there to cover for him. She was there for him to manipulate and shape into what he needed her to be, ‘so don’t fall too hard sweetheart. I’ll get rid of you in the end anyway.’

The clock finally struck 2:30 pm. You looked into the mirror once more, fixing your appearance and taking a deep breath. You were a little bit too nervous for a work-related meeting. If you could always be so professional about your job, why couldn’t you do the same right now? Working in law enforcement was always your dream job. True crime, mystery and even horror and paranormal stuff always intrigued you so much. That’s why you were so excited about being on this case.

You’ve known about Freddy’s for a while and about the diner that came before it. To be honest, you were still hoping you could maybe somehow get Afton to show you the robots, since you didn’t get the chance earlier. You wanted to know more about them. How they work, how they were built if there’s any stories behind them, etc. The animatronics were interesting to you, but you also found them a little bit creepy. That didn’t discourage you from wanting to find out more though, quite the opposite. Now you needed to focus on the task at hand.

You grabbed your bag and left your office. You walked out of the building and headed to the appointed place. The café wasn’t too far from where you worked. It was about fifteen minutes away, so you decided to just walk instead of driving. You got there a little earlier than you meant to. At least you had the time to find some place to sit and collect your thoughts.

Ten minutes later, he arrived. You looked up from your notebook and your heart skipped a beat when you saw him.

Why were you this nervous?

Breathe, (y/n). Breathe.

You stood up from your chair with a small polite smile and held your hand out to him.

“Good afternoon, Mr. Afton. Thank you again for taking the time to speak with me.” You greeted him. He took your hand in a handshake. “The pleasure is all mine, agent.” He said, returning your smile.

You couldn’t believe how quickly he got so comfortable around you; however, you didn’t exactly mind that. It was your intention to get him to trust you as much as possible. They tend to be the most talkative then. You both sat back down, and you opened your notebook to write down anything he says.

“So, how have you been since we last spoke?” you asked him. “I’ve been alright, but I have to say I’m still very concerned about the recent events.” he replied with a serious look on his face. “It feels so surreal to me, and it has left me feeling quite numb I have to admit.”

Your heart ached at his words. You knew he was also a grieving father and couldn’t imagine what it must be like to go through the pain all over again.

“Again, I am so sorry for your loss. I can’t imagine what that must be like.” “What was it you needed to talk to me about?” he said to change the subject.

You were now a little nervous to ask about his family. You didn’t want to make the situation worse than it already was, but you didn’t have a choice, really.

“I just needed to ask you a few more personal questions. I promise you it’s just routine work, we need any lead we can get so we can finally put a stop to this madness. Would you be comfortable with that?”

He smiled to himself. He didn’t think his act would be so good you’d believe every single word he said.

“Of course, miss (l/n). Go ahead.” He said with that same smile, leaning forward, hands on the table fingers intertwined.

You asked him some questions you had written down in your notebook. Everything went well, until you mentioned the co-owner of the pizzeria, Henry.

“Henry, huh?” he said. “I have to say Henry Emily is the nicest man I know. Cheerful all the time, always happy to help, but he’s been acting strange lately. You know, I don’t want to point fingers at anyone, and I genuinely don’t believe he could be a suspect here I just figured you should know.”  “What about his behavior do you consider as strange?” you asked with a furrowed brow. “Well… he’s secretive and startled easily, I guess. Every time I speak to him, he seems nervous Fidgeting with his hands, not his usual calm and friendly self, but that might just be this whole situation getting to him.”

Interesting. You made sure to note down what he told you and then closed your notebook.

“Alright, well that would be all from me today. Thank you again for meeting up with me today, Mr. Afton. Is there anything else you’d like to talk about?” He leaned forward in his chair closer to you. “I saw you looking for the animatronics the last time you visited my restaurant. Tell me, do those fascinate you?” he said with a small smirk. Your face went red. “Oh you did? I didn’t mean to stare, but yeah, I have to say those are very interesting. It’s a shame I didn’t get to get a look at them.” “You know, if you want, I will gladly take you to see them sometime. I can show you around too. Show you how they work, I can even let you see the blueprints, if you’d like.”

His offer shocked you. You didn’t expect him to be so eager to show you his work. Especially when you were literally a cop, a possible threat to him. The fact that he would voluntarily like to spend time with you showing you his restaurant gave you the slight feeling he really had nothing to hide, but you couldn’t jump to conclusions yet. And as much as you hated to admit, you really wanted to accept. You wanted to see the animatronics and spending time with him would be the cherry on top. You knew it would be so unprofessional. You knew it wasn’t right, but there was no way you could say no.

“Really?” you exclaimed a little louder than you meant to. “You know, I’d love to, but I don’t think it’s right you know. And besides, I wouldn’t want to be a bother to you.” You answered with an apologetic smile, but you prayed he would insist on his offer. “It wouldn’t be a bother at all, love. I was the one with the idea, wasn’t I? And as for the professionality of it,” he lowered his voice, “if you can keep a secret so can I.”

The nickname gave you butterflies. His attractiveness was a little too much for you. You hated it, but you were melting on the inside. You did your best to not make a huge deal out of it. He was a brit after all, and it most likely didn’t mean anything. You pushed your thoughts to the back of your head and leaned forward to get closer to him.

“My lips are sealed, sir.” You replied with your voice lowered, mimicking his, and with a smug little smile. He grinned. “It’s a deal then, agent. Tomorrow, after work, at 9:00?” You kept your smile. “Sounds perfect.”

[meow-sus]

Idk how to use this thing, man

Anyways. I recently started writing smaller pieces on my notebook and this is the first of them. Longer fics can be found on my AO3 but I thought posting these there would be weird so I decided to give this place a shot

Hope this works and nice to meet you all

===========

Meryl takes refuge in the truck. She might have always done that, it’s not like Wolfwood pays her too much attention—or she might have started it after he started this thing with Vash the Stampede. The blond idiot lays their sleeping bags next to each other, like he had done for the past week.

“I’ll take the first watch today,” Wolfwood heard him say.

Wolfwood doesn’t ask. He simply sits down on his sleeping bag, feeling the soft sands shift under him. Soon the sparkly particles will mold to the shape of his body. Something tells him that Vash will take the entire night watch by himself again; but it doesn’t hurt to leave a “wake me up when it’s time”. For some reason, he would rather endure the quizzical glances from his traveling companions than waking up Wolfwood in the middle of the night. 

Roberto takes his spot far from the two of them and makes sure to stay out of sight. Wolfwood can almost believe that they’re the only ones stranded in the desert night. The dry planet does little to retain the sun’s warmth when the night falls and Wolfwood can’t help but shiver as he settles in the sleeping bag and the cool fabric comes into contact with the back of his neck.

“Are you cold?” Vash starts to search for something that can help. “I might have a blanket somewhere. Or you can have my coat—”

“I’m fine.” The fluffy golden hair on the top of his head ruffles in the wind. “Aren’t you cold?”

“Hmm?” Vash smiles. “I’ll be fine. Sleep well.”

“Wake me up if you need help.” Wolfwood tries again. The sand dunes around them are empty of movements. There are no signs of life no matter where he looks, in fact. 

“I will. But I’ll do my best to protect you; good night.”

His intact right hand comes to rest on Wolfwood’s torso, the touch quiet and ambiguous through the sleeping bag. He feels himself relax nevertheless. No one has tucked him in in a very, very long time. He wonders if the other man also feels better sleeping by someone’s side.

Protect me? He wants to laugh. The man wanted by Millions Knives and has a bounty of six million on his head? What more can he focus on other than staying alive?

The bullets. Words. Scorching sun. Freezing cold when the sun is down. SIckness. Running out of resources: water, food. Betrayal. Words. His past: living in it, and forgetting it. Someone who wants to kill him. Death. Pain.

None of it as terrifying as losing sight of the man he’s found himself falling for.

“Protect me from what?” Wolfwood still asks, eyes searching for an answer on Vash’s face. How will you protect me when you destroy me the most?

The other man lowers his gaze; somehow his eyes still glimmer like stars dotting the vast universe. “Anything you’re scared of,” he whispers.

========

Meowsus 5/21

[moon-lv3r]

studying with you ~🍊

🦋 category: established relationship, fluff, one-shot

🦋 characters: narancia

🦋 summary: the year end tests are coming right up and you still haven't got the hang of a math topic, worse still, your boyfriend is an idiot when it comes to math and his friend, fugo, is too busy to be tutoring the both of you (reader is not a stand user)

🦋 warnings: nil

🦋 notes: so im in kind of a bad mental head space and i need things to help distract myself so i figured that i should try and write an one-shot for my beloved comfort character <3 hopefully it helps to clear my head bc everything has been shit. also i am too lazy to proof read so deal with the grammatical errors, english isnt my first language

“I hate this!” You whined as you flipped through your notebook filled with numbers and formulas. Math was never easy to revise for and you were just getting really stressed out. Having a dumbass for a boyfriend doesn’t make it better, but at least he could make you laugh.

“Eh I’ve failed this topic like a hundred times! Fugo keeps explaining it to me but I don’t get it. What is a minor sector?” Narancia whined along. “Can’t you just get a ruler and measure around it?”

You would’ve burst out laughing if it wasn’t for the fact that you two were in a library and the librarian just so happened to be a cranky old man. Narancia always called him the “balding old fart” and said that Mista probably has the same hairstyle as the old fart. “That’s not how math works Narancia, or else I wouldn’t be in school.”

You have always been the top student in your class but recent stress has taken a toll on you. Sleepless nights, inability to focus, terrible headaches were all draining you. It was hard keeping up with expectations. Narancia was the only person that would let you relax and make you feel comfortable, which was the reason why the both of you were a thing. He just made you so happy.

The clock ticks while you and Narancia continued reading. Narancia was only three pages in when he gave up for good and took a short nap. His brain never works well with him. You have been doing math questions and checking the answers, each time you got a question wrong was an ego-crushing moment. You just felt like you weren’t good enough.

“Eh y/n, I just realised you haven’t eaten anything, how about we head over to the canteen for a break?” Narancia yawned, you didn’t even realised that he had woken up.

“Bu—”

“No buts y/n! We are taking a break!” He cut you off while gently shutting your book and quietly making your way out. There was no way you were going to study alone so you decided to follow. There were barely anyone at the canteen so the queues were short and you were able to get your lunch rather quickly.

It took you a while to realise that Narancia only asked for a break because he noticed that you have been pushing yourself too hard and started to skip meals in order to study. This boy never fails to bring a smile up on your face.

Narancia decided that it would be a good time to ramble on and on about his life while eating three packets of snacks, all at once. He loved mixing up his snacks. “And there was this one time when Gio—”

The ringing of the school bell ended Narancia’s sentence before he could even finish. This was usually the timing when all of the students having extra lessons get released. Narancia looked mad while you laughed, urging him to continue. “Wait I forgot what I wanted to say… Damn it! Piece of shit!” Narancia swore loudly.

People started to fill the canteen and many of them had heard Narancia cursing loudly, sending judging looks towards the both of you. Most of the students found Narancia and Fugo weird anyway. Their style was enough to ensure that the people at school would make fun of them. They were also friends with Giorno, another student with weird style and skipped school for a whole week. Nobody believed that they were in the mafia until they were spotted with Bruno Bucciarati, the leader of Passione.

You decided to quickly finish your meal and head back towards your dorm with Narancia happily skipping his way with you. He was such a smiley boy. Your dorm was on one of the lower levels so it didn’t take long for the both of you to arrive. The moment you opened your door and entered, Narancia immediately jumped onto the couch. “So soft,” he mumbled while grinning.

He looked like a sweet gentle boy right there and then, completely different from his first day of school. A group of boys started making fun of him for being small and scrawny, thinking he would be an easy target, but somehow, those boys ended up getting shot in the leg after Narancia muttered something along the lines of “Aerosmith”. Fugo started lecturing him about using “stands” in public. You had no idea what all of that meant. Either way, the school deemed Narancia as innocent since they didn’t find any evidence of Narancia owning a gun. Those boys stayed the furthest away from Narancia after that. If somebody told you that you could be dating a boy who magically got people shot, you wouldn’t have brought it.

“Ghirga!” You shouted, “our exams are starting.” Narancia never liked it when someone called him by his surname.

“Oi y/n don’t call me that!” He retaliated. “Dumb (your surname).”

“Says the one with 0 out of 10 for a math test,” you replied.

“How am I supposed to know what is y=mx+c?” Narancia immediately defended himself from your sudden insult at his intelligence.

“Mhm,” you mumbled. “Come here Narancia, I am going to teach you.”

Narancia reluctantly got off your couch and joined you at the coffee table. He looked extremely focus while you taught him some math. Math was that one subject that seems to be impossible to understand but you always managed to understand it just a bit, enough to top your class. He “huh-ed” at almost everything and asked more questions rather than solving any. You were very patient however, telling him formulas, giving him tips, and even ways to remember formulas easily. Narancia seemed to be the type to learn better if you let him learn at his own pace and include funny things while teaching.

“Ah so y=mx+c is the formula for gradient?” Narancia asked.

“Not just any line,” you replied. “You need to be specific.”

“Straight lines! Because Bucciarati and Abbacchio are not straight so y=mx+c wouldn’t apply to them!” Narancia finished.

“That’s right!” You smiled. “You’re so smart Narancia, I knew you would get it!”

Narancia smiled back, “you sound just like Fugo. You know, I think you might be a better teacher. Fugo isn’t as good as you when it comes to teaching.”

“I am telling Fugo,” you chanted, trying to exit your dorm to look for Fugo. It was obviously a joke but you loved to tease that idiot.

“Wa— Get back! Y/n no—” Narancia practically jumped and chased after you. “Fugo’ll kill me!”

He fell for it.

“Come and get me then!” You panted as the both of you ran around your dorm, being careful enough not to topple anything over. It had caught you completely off-guard when Narancia jumped you from behind, tackling you onto the soft ground while giggling.

“Got you y/n,” Narancia grinned proudly. “Please don’t tell Fugo I said that.”

“Don’t worry I won’t,” you reassured him.

The very next day, Fugo was confused as to why you were laughing so hard when you, him and Narancia were all having breakfast together at the canteen. Giorno was confused as well when he joined you three for lunch.

Neither you nor Narancia ever told Fugo about what Narancia had said. Even Giorno was in on the joke after a while, Fugo remained clueless. Nevertheless, at least Narancia’s math improved. Even though he still failed the math exam.

[loumauve]

For the writer's ask: 12, 16 and 17!

thank you for the questions!! <3

[the list of questions can be found here]

12. Are there any tropes you used to dislike but have grown on you?

couldn't possibly remember all of the ones that have slowly grown on me over the past what.. almost two decades of reading fic, but 'Hanahaki Disease' has been a recent one. and I don't always like it, just when it's done well. don't think I'd ever write it though

16. What’s an AU you would love to read (or have read and loved)?

I LOVE AUs. most AUs will do. love me a good 'one of them is a monster, actually' and a lot of 'they get to live. fuck you, canon'. magical realism is always nice, too.

also a big fan of 'let's change one thing and see how everything spirals from there' really, really love that.

OH! also the whole 'let's put these characters in a whole different setting but keep them exactly true to who they are and go from there' SO GOOD. can really tell a good writer from that, they have their characters pinned down SO WELL.

17. What highly specific AU do you want to read or write even though you might be the only person to appreciate it?

well, as we know from this amazing art, Skate AU for Horizon has been on my thoughts, somewhat parallel to trying to figure out an Old Ones/modern au and what they would all end up doing post school in that timeline.

@finrays and I have also been pondering a His Dark Materials AU in the broadest sense, those are always present in my mind whichever fandom I'm in.

then there's still the everyone lives au for Horizon, which.. if I was at all able to write long-fic I'd love to write someday, because I have a whole bunch of feels about so many things in that.

and then, and I know nobody here really remembers, there was a little show called Haven and another show called Fringe and I really wanted Olivia Dunham to meet Audrey Parker, and I have legit notes on that in a notebook somewhere, but I'll never end up writing it, again, bc long-fic and my brain do not cooperate (I don't know how y'all do it, I'm so impressed)

..I just looked through my folder of handwritten notes and printed out fic I wrote, and there's a bunch of crossover AU ideas like one with Thelma (from Hex) meeting Annie (from the og Being Human) like.. this heavily dates me lol but I did love those shows at a time, and still kinda do even if they're a little cringe now.

there's also an AU for Crossing Jordan where Lu lives and Hoyt dies instead. bc.. ya know, I wanted it to be more gay and that seemed like the perfect solution (don't blame me, I was still in the figuring out I'm actually queer phase of my life then. literally half my life ago)

anyway, I used to really love thinking up crossover AUs which is funny considering how I don't really love to read crossovers these days

[svartalfhild]

8, 13, 20

8. Do you have any OC family trees?

Yes, a few! Although whether or not they count would depend on your definition of OC family tree.

If we're counting ones where a canon character or two is involved, then perhaps my most extensive OC family tree is the one for my Bhaalspawn from the Baldur's Gate saga. As per the epilogue for the Rasaad romance, she has seven kids, and they all go on to do great things, so I created and spent a lot time fleshing out seven kids who are all wildly different combinations of their parents' traits. The first child ends up married to another character I made, who is the son of Solaufein (a major NPC from BG2).

Now if we're not counting canon-involved characters, those things are a bit more limited for me. I do tend to flesh out my characters' families, because of course family is so informative of who a person is, even if they don't have a family, they still came from somewhere. I have a lot of characters who are orphans, but I like having information about why they are orphaned and who their parents were.

13. Which story has the most lore?

Oh damn, this is very hard to gauge, because I love fleshing things out and for any given story, there's always a mountain of backstory, and I try very hard to balance between peppering in that information and sparing my readers from my Tolkien-level aspirations for lore. You may think I'm exaggerating, but I have notebooks filled with fictional languages I've created for my stories.

I think the most in-depth I've gotten with lore for a story was the novel I was working on in my first couple years of college, but I haven't touched it in many years, because I've changed so much as a person, and I feel like I need to rewrite everything I had. It was a Norse mythology inspired story about a dark elf mage who discovers a plot by the Asgardian Empire to destabilize the Elven Republic only recently formed between Ljosalfheim and Svartalfheim. The technology level was like late-19th Century, but powered by magic, so there were floating trains and carriages and shit, and I created the dark elf and light elf languages. I got intense about it. I even consulted my space-enthusiast brother on interesting planetary qualities for the different realms, because I conceived of them as different planets and interplanetary travel was done either through portals or the Asgardian Bifrost technology.

Okay, I'm gonna stop now before I infodump the whole thing.

20. What story are you the proudest of? Why?

At present? Probably The Nightmaven from my series of short stories about my DnD character, Vrae Zilivna. It's the only one that is almost entirely written from another character's perspective and treats her as the villain. It was a lot of fun to write. It's an incredibly messed up story about a couple of incredibly messed up people who have an incredibly messed up relationship, and it was a fun challenge to make that compelling, because the romances I usually write are generally about two very good people who are simply in shitty circumstances, but that is not so here. What happens when you're a resistance informant who accidentally fell in love with a fascist secret cop and your relationship ended in a predictably explosive way after he found out who you really are? Maybe you become a black widow assassin about it and do serial murders of your ex's colleagues while he runs around trying to catch you and having emotional turmoil about it.

Anyway, the part that really elevated this to Best Current Work for me was the embarrassingly large ego boost I got from coming up with the last line.

[lostnorthwinds]

Alright, I need a break so...

Online, I use the default setting. But, if have to write by hand due to school rules, cursive because that's how I learned to write.

Yes, I already do it anyway. A) From what I know, I am not a wizard and B) Pencil. Easy to erase mistakes.

Use my daydreams to go to fantasy land and try to act like the characters, be it for thoughts or the dreaded dialogue. My mind goes really far, and sometimes I spend unfortunate hours on it... It's almost out of my control, but I'm trying to use the Maladaptive Daydreaming to my advantage.

Orbs. Bluenette. Latinx. ESPECIALLY THIS LAST ONE. IT'S PERSONAL.

Writing superstitions? I'm not sure I have any, but what might count is that all of my fics started with a song, almost. A little verse makes my mind go haywire, and most of the times the fic ends up nothing like the verse. My closest example os this is my fic, 'Silhouettes'... That has nothing to do with the song.

Writing out of character. I am terrified of this. I won't be able to see the fic in my mind if I fvck them up.

Letting my long since repressed creativity loose. When I tried expressing it as a kid, everyone thought it was weird and sometimes creepy.

Without action, a poem of a character's life or woes might be great!

Kind of? I do think they exist somehow, but not in the way we think of them.

Yeah, you can be sure of that. I ended up making two fics shipping two characters I thought were both young adults. But one of the characters involved doesn't have a age explicitly said by the creators, so everyone thinks of her age differently (the appearane doesn't help). The person reviewing the fics thought it was problematic since they thought of her as a kid.

Sometimes I do kill off my darlings, but they do get some sort of closure. Don't worry. Most of them either fade away in peace or get to be a guiding spirit.

Writing in character, discover plot holes easily and actually writing. DON'T TAKE MY WIPS.

An actually corageous character is hard for me to write. Meanwhile writing a character with anxiety is a cake walk.

Nope, nobody actually asks for my books.

Nope, I don't do these things. I slightly judge them for it depensing on which one it is an yeah, we can still be friends.

I gave a colleague a piece of paper I found crumpled on the classroom's ground to use as a bookmark. Six months have passed and she's still using it.

Oh, I have many WIPS. Wilson from DST and the Lamb from CoTL interacting, Cookie run HTTYD AU, Dark Laywright for a shipping week, rewrite of Labyrinthia with actual magic, holy shit there's much more but writing on this page is slow-

There's a revival poem on my most recent fic, which goes like this: "Oh, Almighty Sea, this child did not deserve this fate. They only wanted to do great, even with their life at stake. So, I beg to you and the Moonlight. Listen to my only plea! And let their unjustly taken spirit, be free to explore as they please!". I made it in less than three minutes, but I love it so much. The character who says it is a mermaid, that couldn't save a kid from drowning in the sea. The irony is, after the miracle poem works and they become a shark mermaid, due to lore reasons, the same mermaid that revived the kid cursed them to not be able to speak on land, with the only sound being bubbles!

Actually, the writing ideas startes long ago, two years, I think. But I only stared posting recently due to a writing week that I dropped midway. But, I will start posting again when time is right, I just need energy to do it.

The WIP, obviously! I'm particularly not interested in romantic love.

No. This is my outlet, and I kind if need it.

My organization consists of the notes app on my phone and the actual notebook I take to school. It's an organized mess.

Comfy bed, on top of a blue fluffy blanket. On the upper right of the bed, lays a computer's box and the comouter on top of it. That's where I write, with my phone serving as a background music.

Either I write them on a whim, or I have an entire document detailing he plot points. How I wish I could just get on with it, but I do not want plotholes.

The shark mermaid kid, in canon, has a little black bracelet on their left arm, and I think it's the marks left by their mother's original bracelet turned into one by magic.

Maladaptive daydreaming pretty much is both a blessing and a curse. One of the blessings is that I can try to imagine myself as the character if I try hard enough. The problem is the time, going too far, attention to what I'm actually doing in the daydream, etc.

Professor Layton. He talks so fancy that I don't know how to write his dialogue therefore all WIPs involving him are currently on hiatus.

Capsaicin Cookie. He's a buffed anxiety man and I can get my thoughts out through him.

Good question, actually. Sometimes I look at the ground and let the mind go far, listen to songs, take advantage of my visual snow and stare at a blank wall and see what the pixels form, etc. When one of these doesn't work, I try the others.

Yes! There is a scene that happened in my dreams that I'm thinking how to fit into one of my fics, but I've never written inside of a dream.

Dear readers, I love you all. You just reading the fics I have and sometimes leaving kudos is something amazing, because I know somebody else enjoyed reading my delirious ramblings. Thank you so much for just being there, even if I couldn't speak to any of you directly.

This one actually got me stuck for some minutes, maybe I'm too tired. A simple, "It's okay" on a fic sometimes breaks me. That's what I get for reading Hurt/Comfort.

Sometimes drawing, but they're nit really grand or anything. Sometimes I want to draw scenes I had in mind, but I don't like them, and I don't have experience, so I end up scrapping them.

... Confusing. Because I have to used it for my mother language sometimes, but sometimes not, someone help-

Not using miniscule after a :, I only use it on writing tests.

... How to make noodles, how to hide a body correctly, steps to help someone suffering of bloodloss, how to get someone out of thermal shock... Or at least try to.

Child killer who writes fluffy couples.

Branching paths so much I can't choose with which plot to go. Seriously, it's tiring.

Looking at a friend's messages, seeing the people that actually read my fics. Seeing that somebodyuis rooting for me and enjoying the things I make feels good after many people irl don't like it.

Dear darling, don't you fret. Although life can be quite a scare, we will have upright stares, and be on each other's care.

No matter what anyone says, even after many long days, we'll see the sunlight rays and in the grassy ground we lay.

In the dawn of the sun's light, we'll stare at the brilliant sky, and as the day turns into night, we'll never say goodbye.

Weird Questions for Writers (because writers are weird)

1. What font do you write in? Do you actually care or is that just the default setting?

2. If you had to give up your keyboard and write your stories exclusively by hand, could you do it? If you already write everything by hand, a) are you a wizard and b) pen or pencil?

3. What is your writing ritual and why is it cursed?

4. What’s a word that makes you go absolutely feral?

5. Do you have any writing superstitions? What are they and why are they 100% true?

6. What is your darkest fear about writing?

7. What is your deepest joy about writing?

8. If you had to write an entire story without either action or dialogue, which would you choose and how would it go?

9. Do you believe in ghosts? This isn’t about writing I just wanna know

10. Has a piece of writing ever “haunted” you? Has your own writing haunted you? What does that mean to you?

11. Do you believe in the old advice to “kill your darlings?” Are you a ruthless darling assassin? What happens to the darlings you murder? Do you have a darling graveyard? Do you grieve?

12. If a genie offered you three writing wishes, what would they be? Btw if you wish for more wishes the genie turns all your current WIPs into Lorem Ipsum, I don’t make the rules

13. What is a subject matter that is incredibly difficult for you write about? What is easy?

14. Do you lend your books to people? Are people scared to borrow books from you? Do you know exactly where all your “lost” books are and which specific friend from school you haven’t seen in twelve years still possesses them? Will you ever get them back?

15. Do you write in the margins of your books? Dog-ear your pages? Read in the bath? Why or why not? Do you judge people who do these things? Can we still be friends?

16. What’s the weirdest thing you’ve ever used as a bookmark?

17. Talk to me about the minutiae of your current WIP. Tell me about the lore, the history, the detail, the things that won’t make it in the text.

18. Choose a passage from your writing. Tell me about the backstory of this moment. How you came up with it, how it changed from start to end. Spicy addition: Questioner provides the passage.

19. Tell me a story about your writing journey. When did you start? Why did you start? Were there bumps along the way? Where are you now and where are you going?

20. If a witch offered you the choice between eternal happiness with your one true love and the ability to finally finish, perfect, and publish your dearest, darlingest, most precious WIP in exactly the way you've always imagined it — which would you choose? You can’t have both sorry, life’s a bitch

21. Could you ever quit writing? Do you ever wish you could? Why or why not?

22. How organized are you with your writing? Describe to me your organization method, if it exists. What tools do you use? Notebooks? Binders? Apps? The Cloud?

23. Describe the physical environment in which you write. Be as detailed as possible. Tell me what’s around you as you work. Paint me a picture.

24. How much prep work do you put into your stories? What does that look like for you? Do you enjoy this part or do you just want to get on with it?

25. What is a weird, hyper-specific detail you know about one of your characters that is completely irrelevant to the story?

26. How do you get into your character’s head? How do you get out? Do you ever regret going in there in the first place?

27. Who is the most stressful character you’ve ever written? Why?

28. Who is the most delightful character you’ve ever written? Why?

29. Where do you draw your inspiration? What do you do when the inspiration well runs dry?

30. Talk to me about the role dreams play in your writing life. Have you ever used material from your dreams in your writing? Have you ever written in a dream? Did you remember it when you woke up?

31. Write a short love letter to your readers.

32. What is a line from a poem/novel/fanfic etc that you return to from time and time again? How did you find it? What does it mean to you?

33. Do you practice any other art besides writing? Does that art ever tie into your writing, or is it entirely separate?

34. Thoughts on the Oxford comma, Go:

35. What’s your favorite writing rule to smash into smithereens?

36. They say to Write What You Know. Setting aside for a moment the fact that this is terrible advice...what do you Know?

37. If you were to be remembered only by the words you’ve put on the page, what would future historians think of you?

38. What is something about your writing process YOU think is Really Weird? If you are comfortable, please share. If you’re not comfortable, what do you think cats say about us?

39. What keeps you writing when you feel like giving up?

40. Please share a poem with me, I need it.

[bisluthq]

https://www.tumblr.com/bisluthq/752616011328602112/you-all-are-not-making-a-lot-of-sense-to-me-ngl?source=share

I think my point still stands though. If he was always like that, it's not like anything changed besides her being annoyed with it now. But that's not what I get from it. She makes it sound like his mood issues were what prevented them to work and he should have done something about it, cause she wasn't doing it anymore. If it wasn't a new problem, it doesn't make sense to me to say this. The sentiment would have been well you were always like this and it started to annoy me, but like I was done with you already so who cares if you never tried to be better, cause I wasn't interested in that anymore anyway

Eh I really don’t get that from the music because what I get from the music is all the same problems from Rep and Lover and folkmore and Midnights and then him not setting a date to marry her and it… starting to annoy her. But like when you’re in that situation who has the self-reflection to be like “yeah okay maybe I’ve changed or my feelings for you have changed”? In the moment you’re like “fuck THIS” lol.

I’ve said before like I loved that my ex was an (aspiring tho I guess she’s one for real now) poet when I first met her. It was really one of the coolest things ever. She was so artsy and like thoughtful and shit. And by the end like I was less focused on that and more focused on the fact that she did absolutely fuck all around the house, was a fucking insomniac and could never get up for work in the morning like on time and would make me late and I was working like three jobs at the time (two FT writing gigs, TA and doing my Masters and then to make it more manageable I started teaching but I still did PT writing on account of how shit needed to get paid), did annoying ass shit like write down pretty words from books she read (she somehow had time for that) into like her notebook thingie with fucking dictionary definitions which I had once found cute but really bugged me at the end, complained about me drinking but like I’d legit had had to scrape her up off pavements to get her home when we partied so yes excuse me for drinking wine that I bought in our room while you work on your poetry till 4 am in the lounge so I can’t even fucking watch TV properly in the house that I pay for lol at least she never had to fucking pick me up off the literal pavement but ok. Anyway, literally a lot to most of that stuff was always there. When I was annoyed at her at the end I wasn’t thinking that way tho. I was thinking ffs fuck this bitch how do I get her to leaveeeee? Also like even a thing I complained about the most at the end - the lack of sex - had origins in the beginning but then I was like “I love that this isn’t a sex based relationship like all my sorta somethings recently like I love that we aren’t all over each other and she likes me for more than just sex” and then at the end I was like “I… like sex…”

[ninamontagutbordas]

WHAT DOES IT TAKE TO TAKE IT ALL?

Sometimes I wonder what it really takes to take it all. If you think about it, ‘all’ can be different for everyone. Maybe for you ‘all’ can translate into a great job or having a family or traveling abroad or just owning a great apartment. Maybe ‘all’ is that restaurant you wanted to go for a while or that painting you finally got to see in real life.

To me, ‘all’ meant the job, the money, the love, the body, the flat, the joy of getting to travel. ‘All’ was everything I could not have or did not have the way I wanted.

Or so I thought, until recently.

The last eight months have been absolute torture for myself. Luckily, after extreme therapy, I am thriving now and in pain I found dismeasured discomfort which is basically what led me to a very productive self-involuntary introspection that basically saved me.

No one wants to suffer, however, we all do. I’m not ‘better than ever’ yet but I’m getting there and I’m starting to feel myself again, just a better more awoken version.

This past year, I’ve experienced some of the most difficult situations I ever had to face. I was entering emotional adulthood and, as my astrologists very carefully explained last Monday, I was experiencing my Saturn opposition and my Saturn return at the same time, something that rarely happens. Either you are in opposition to Saturn or you’re having your Saturn return, so as you can imagine, for those of you who study, know or are interested in astrology, it has been quite a ride. Quite a bad one.

During this time, I’ve written a lot. I just couldn’t stop writing. I’ve wrote some of the saddest words that I’ve ever written. Saddest because I wrote them without being able to understand them, which is actually worst for me because when writing is your copping mechanism, you are basically in a toxic position with yourself.

It’s been quite a while since I sat down to write one of these essays that I write when I am aware of my emotions (which, by the way, I realised after almost 29 years you can be aware of them but not in control of your emotions and that can be a great thing actually). Not being in control lead me to joy. Brought me surprising and eye-opening moments. Altought I am still working on that part.

Something peculiar happened a few days ago and the life-changing-emotional-retrospective-question clicked very quickly:

‘What does it take to take it all?’ I thought to myself.

Someone told me the story of a very recent newly wed couple which basically, contrary to what social media portrayed, has had a terrible, terrible ending, with children involved. I thought to myself, would I ever survive if something similar happened? I can’t picture it. Not sure if I was thinking about the horrible divorce or the comeback after one. I’m not great with endings, specially if they are similar to this one so I can’t imagine.

However, it kept me thinking. If you know me, I am hypersensitive and I tend to feel all the things I shouldn’t from external situations. If only I did not have enough with myself!!!! However, this is actually far beside the point.

When I’m spiraling for something which isn’t directly connected with my acts or feelings, which used to happen a lot, it’s usually because it connects me to things I did, felt or experienced in the past. So when this happens, my only getaway (as always) is writing. Because in writing I find answers and, in answers, I find understanding, and in understanding, I can choose for myself. Anyway, back to the story.

Where do I write best? At a bar of course, with my notebook and some self-destructing songs. ‘Sad Poetry’ is what my writing playlist is called, so you can imagine how self-destructing I can turn into as well.

I took my unjustified sad soul to have a glass of wine just to observe how my melancholy and frustated romantisicim was about to do what it does best: Filling in the pages with what comes through my mind in that moment. But usually, what happens around me helps me fuel my creativity or creative process, so I just sat there for a while before writing nonsense and watched how others (strangers!) behaved.

Perhaps the old man sitting on my left couldn’t really afford the latte he was having but he did have it anyway. Or perhaps the young couple with a baby were going through hell and had to put up a smile just to pretend they are ok. Or perhaps those who were with their phone (as most of us do!) were just thinking how misarable they are or, perhaps I have it all wrong, which it also happens a lot.

I had the perception they could tell I wasn’t ok. Or maybe they could not. Maybe it mas my poet-wannabe-narcisistic-self who felt seen by gazes that couldn’t care less if I was there. Perhaps they didn’t even notice my presence (which is hard to believe because I am curious by nature but also sounds like the most suitable answer!), however, now that I am better, I kept asking myself:

Was I really not ok or did I just like to pretend?

Was perhaps my whole scenario some sort of sad girl having a glass of wine and handwriting cliché in order to look like I was actually attracted to pain?

Could I be attracted to pain?

Am I attracted to pain?

But then I kept thinking perhaps pain it’s addictive for a reason. Pain is bigger than any of us. Bigger than love, bigger than life. Because it’s not a choice. That’s why it’s so hurtful.

Attitude is a choice. Confrontation with the reality is a choice. Self-awareness is a choice. Self-work is a choice. Change is -most of the time- a choice.

But pain is not. Pain is a state. Pain is a feeling.

And if you think about it, it’s actually the only thing that can make or force us to evolve. You can have THE great job, THE great family, THE great house. You can have it all and still not grow. Still not learn. Still not enjoy. And I had a lot of great things, I just couldn’t see them. I could not see me.

What’s actually funny is that things are opposite to what we think they are:

You want the great job when you have a miserable one or one where you don’t get paid what you think deserve. You desire to have a great family when you do not have a partner or someone to share and create a life with.

Perhaps you have the great house, but think about it, is that house a home? Two very different things.

To put it simply: Whatever it is we desire, whatever it is we aim for, whatever it is we want, we know it because we did not have it at some point or the way we imagined. And that’s why we can aknowledge it.

And that has happened to me before. A lot. That’s why I could not understand what was going on.

And while writing this, I realized, I actually do have it ‘all’, I just I did not know what ‘all’ meant to me because my priorities weren’t right, but now my priorities have shifted.

I have it all because I have myself, and that’s why I am able to take myself out for a date. Even if I am happy, sad, or even if in a very strangely way I am enjoying the discomfort of a twinge, even then, it makes me go out. It makes me write. It moves me. It makes me reflect on what my past months have been like. It makes me question myself. It makes me understand. It gives me answers. Not all of them, but enough to look around. Enough to listen. It makes me think of what I want, how I want it and what am I lacking to get where I want to be whatever it is I want in each moment.

Some things are bigger, some are smaller. Some are more relevant, some are less. Some situations are my fault, some are not. Some things are in my control to change them, some are not. Some I will like, some I will not. Some are just not for myself, and some will be when the time is right. Some are just the way they are.

Whether we like it or not, perhaps, what it takes to take it all, is to have none.

[fizzingwizard]

goodness why is sims coming out with a pool kit now?? summer is almost over wtf. i really expected one in june but *crickets* whatever i bet they'll do halloween in february

there is a cafe i like which is conveniently very close to work, but i just found out they're closing on saturday. so today i went to have a last treat there. but tbh i stopped going in recent years. when covid happened and business were hit so bad, a lot changed their menus. some just upped prices but a lot did that and cut costs by changing the menu to be pricier for less. this cafe was no different. pretty much they just stopped serving anything i wanted at least for what they were charging for it. today was only the second time i've gone in about a year. almost 600 yen for some ice cream and cereal and like four slices of banana. at least give me the whole banana for that price lol. i bought it anyway because i do reeeeally like their ice cream but yeah it's pretty ridiculous. so not much of a loss. especially since there's another of the exact same cafe across the street bahahaha

now ranting about work commence...

covid is back! not that it ever left...

both of my coteachers were out sick mon and tues. one with covid, the other something else. among the other staff, one other teacher is out with covid, two others are out sick, and two others aren't sick but were assigned observations at different schools on certain days this week. this happened last year too and i really don't understand why, if we're so badly understaffed, the observations aren't just rescheduled so those teachers can stay here. it's not like the schools they're going to have to do anything special for them. they're just going to watch the regular classes.

so on monday i had our one sub in my room. the third co-teacher's role was a rotation of random teachers from another close school, who came in and out basically every hour. they are very nice, but they don't know the routine or the kids. that day was mostly okay, exhausting, but i got everything done, mostly because of the sub who is awesome and was a full time teacher before this year so she knows what to do really well. still I had to write most of the kids notebooks by myself, in Japanese, before two p.m. usually we have till 4, and there's nap/prep time between 2-4 so sit down and do them. until 2 we have all the kids and it's teaching time so trying to write notes for all the kids to take home before two by myself was hard. the sub helped with the few that are ok to be written in english though.

tuesday was hellish. didn't have the sub because she was needed in another class. so it was me, that random rotation of other school's teachers, plus my manager and her assistant coming in and out. it wa just a constant ricochet of people it felt like xP manager and assistant were on the phone half the time and talking to each other about admin stuff. not to say they weren't helpful, they definitely were, and it would have been much tougher without them. I didn't have to write notebooks, because one of the other school's teachers did them. (which i'm confused about because i thought someone not from our school wasn't allowed to write notebooks. but tbh policy has become very murky due to the constant understaffing. i shouldn't really have let the sub help with notebooks yesterday either, or with lunch, but i literally didn't have anyone else. what am i supposed to do? technically i can do all the notebooks, although i don't know when, but it isn't possible for me to both hand out lunches and double check myself on the lunch list at the same time. that's the whole point of two people doing it, so a second pair of eyes can catch a mistake before it happens.)

even so, i still ended up writing two of them. the reason is the poor teacher who helped, she was great, but of course she has a lot of her own work to do, so when it was time for her to leave she just had to leave, even though it was the middle of my day. and since she's not used to our routine there were no checks in place except myself. i checked everything and discovered one unwritten notebook and one that was missing completely. i found it and wrote both. i also found a kid's missing smock and dealt with three pee accidents (but my poor coworker in a different class had like a pee apocalypse, like eight or ten kids had accidents in the same day - they just got back from summer break so i think they're just shocked and regressing.) and i took care of my kid's missing futon, and just... the list goes on. also the kids were like, what's going on, how come we've got all these random people, where are the usual teachers? most were pretty fine overall, but it meant the sensitive ones only wanted my attention and i had to do everything regarding them, while also leading the class because the helpers didn't know what to do. also having no coworkers at school meant our cleaning duty was all on me, so i cleaned the entire bathroom both days by myself. (sub was awesome and helped by cleaning my classroom for me on monday.)

but what's difficult to explain is the hard part isn't just what happened, but the randomness of it. when you have a routine, you know whose role is what, and when to check and who to check with. when it's all up in the air like this and i'm the only one who knows how things are supposed to go, then i have to think of everything. there's no one to check me. on the one hand im proud of myself because somehow i did it. but it was really really hard. and it's very physical too. my legs and back are so sore, almost like in my first year before i got more flexible lol. when i walked into the staffroom on tues at 2:30 after finishing the bathroom, my manager and another coworker looked over and were like "otsukareeee are you okaaay what a day!" and seriously yeah it was. like getting hit by a truck. actually not to be dramatic but i kept thinking this is what the start of a mental breakdown feels like... it literally felt like my head was gonna break. i dont know how else to explain it. just stress overload. but i really appreciated the uplifting words my coworkers said to me. everyone was really understanding about how tough the past two days have been. and i kept my temperament even. im especially proud of that. im not super great with stress lol. ive worked hard in my adult life to get better, but i'm a very hard worker and when there are expectations of me that i can't meet for reasons beyond my control (like having to take care of a whole class of two year olds and do the work of three regular teachers almost by myself), i feel like i'm drowning. but although i was tired i didn't ever feel frustrated, because we had a similar incident a few months ago where i was alone in my class as far as regular teachers go, and that day was much, much harder than this week because the kids were brand new to my class and didn't know the routine at all. many weren't verbal at all either. now they know the deal and they're talking so much. they also know me better and i know them, and we love each other. it's so much easier to lead them now, which is always the case this time of the school year.

today at last both my regular coteachers were back. also although we've had a near-full class on mon and tues (just one kid out also with covid), today randomly there were four absences. so we had just fourteen students. it was so nice. busy, but not overwhelmingly so. i could take a break lol. my poor coteachers though, they worked hard although they're still recovering. and the one with covid was supposed to have taken some time off last week, but because she got covid she couldn't enjoy it. and she's the same cowoker who had approved time off in june that was retracted the day of because of terrible understaffing on that day. the fates just don't want to let her have a nice vacation -_- i say fates buuut... taking away someone's approved PTO is pretty shitty. it's the only time it's happened in all the years i've worked here, but tbh if it had been me it would have been a pretty big nail in the coffin. we all love our students and we care about our coworkers too, so that's why we make those sacrifices. but i often wish people would be more selfish and maybe drive the point home to the head office that we're not being treated well at all and we're all just surviving. however i am pretty sure it would just result in us getting yelled at and then quitting of our own volition, like happened to six teachers last year... my school is good, the upper management isn't, go figure :P