#anyway expect more ramblings abt him when hes barely mentioned

[just-null]

noritoshi stansism so true

i love every character in jjk equally, Noritoshi (JR) and not Noritoshis! idk what youre goin on abt

[welcometogrouchland]

Uncontrollable urge to revamp tma character headcanons months after you've already established a way of drawing them

[dastardlydandelion]

Where did the idea come from for primis tenebris flos? Did you imagine it would be such a hit?

uh, well, you! 😊 i mean, ur the reason it’s a series, anyway. more or less. but posting the first fic? mmm...shit, okay, so. i was running into a rut with some of my original stuff and i don’t think i consciously made the decision to take a break from gorror but it kinda happened anyway and around that time, i just so happened to watch some edit on youtube and that’s when i saw billy for the first time, like rly. like, i already kinda vaguely knew of him bc st is v popular, yk, and his lifeguard whistle is an add-on in dbd. but like, *this* was the first time i rly saw him, this mep edit with that clip of him screaming defiantly whilst being skewered at the fucking meat spider with all retro lightning and funky black blood, so i was like, ‘ooh cool, what’s this?’

(not to mention it reminded me of the p iconic “you can’t kill me!” scene in vikings) 

and then that set me off on this journey where i was looking at more st clips and reading on the st wiki and reading some recap/review stuff on misc internet spaces and like, ofc during that journey i saw susan and i was like ‘ooh, u pretty,’ and...and yk, the gears are kinda going now. and troubled familial dynamics are v interesting to me, not to mention smth i already had experience writing and then it’s like, okay, how do i get them in the same room?? 

running with the idea billy survives seemed like a p good bet. plus an interesting place to enter from susan’s pov since she’s gotta reconcile her perception of her stepson with his doing the last thing she’d ever expect him to do. and billy’s not in a position to escape interacting with susan even if that’s what he’d prefer. 

i’m aware this is a crack possibility itself, given that billy’s dead af, onscreen last breath n everything, not to mention the implication he was necrotic even before being impaled?? like, evidently this guy guzzled fucking bleach and fertilizer and some of his flesh looks...vaguely necrotic? i read different stuff abt this but tbh i wasn’t comfortable incorporating that part in any way bc by the time my own stepsiser died she’d had a significant amnt of necrosis and thinkin abt it hurts.

but crack possibility or not, whatev. the crack is strong in me. gonna hit my literary crack pipe as many times as i want. uh shit, am i even answering the question anymore? the first part, i did, okay, yes.

to recap: saw an edit ----> went on an st info adventure ----> got drawn to possible troubled dynamics ----> saw a good entry point to explore. 

i am so sorry i rambled all the way to such a simple point, smdh. forgive me. 

second part of the question. did i expect it to be a hit? 

heck no! susan barely exists in st, she’s in two scenes. i didn’t think anyone would want to read anything from her pov. plus i underestimated billy’s popularity. like, don’t get me wrong, i knew he was p popular but i didn’t realize *how* popular. and then, as far as my knowledge, gen fics tend to generate less traffic than ship fics, not to mention genre, like...it’s quiet? it’s mostly dialogue. not very much action.

so i was surprised when it got a bunch of hits! actually i almost got intimidated. felt sorta put on the spot and awkward knowing how many eyeballs were on it. but it was worth working past that. <3 <3 <3

tyvm for the ask! hopei didn’t ramble too much. 

[jemmydoolz]

Edgar Has Always Been Kind of a Bitch

hi okay so it's a little after midnight but I'm posting a fic rn bc it's the first fic I've written in like,, a yr and a half and also I'm rlly excited abt it??

anyway battle buddies/fahc jeremwood angst based on ramblings in a gc

(warning for minor assault implications at the beginning, and brief mentions of a suicide attempt at the end)!!!

Fiona and Gavin decide that what Jeremy needs is a night of bevs, and, to put it simply, get wasted, so the crew settles on going to a club that Friday. Jeremy only has one or two drinks, but boy does he get fucked up.

Ryan’s sitting and talking with Geoff and Jack in a booth, sipping a diet coke. He looks over Jack’s shoulder to see Jeremy standing at the bar with a much taller, more intimidating man looming over him. The guy reaches out toward Jeremy, who leans away from the touch. Jeremy nervously laughs and his eyes frantically dart around for someone, anyone who might be able to help him.

“Hello? Earth to Ryan?” Jack waves her hand in front of Ryan’s face.

“Oh, yeah. Yeah. sorry. Hey, um, I’m gonna go home, I’m just not really feeling great,” Ryan murmurs as he slides out of the booth, already heading toward Jeremy.

“Um, alright, I guess? Drive safe,” Jack calls after him.

Ryan speeds up when he sees the man grab Jeremy’s arm. Jeremy’s face flipped through a thousand emotions at once when he saw Ryan approaching, but eventually landed on confused but grateful. He gave Jeremy a look that said just go with what I’m about to say.

“Hey, babe,” Ryan says. The man immediately drops his grip on Jeremy’s arm. Jeremy does his best not to choke on his own spit when he hears the word babe come out of Ryan’s mouth. He hadn’t heard it in so long, and he didn’t think it would still hurt so much.

“Oh, hey!” Jeremy turns to Ryan and reaches up to peck him on the lips. “Where’d Edgar go? It’s his birthday, I figured he would wanna hang out with his friends!”

Fuck. Mentioning something about their friend ‘Edgar’ was always code for I don’t feel good about this, let’s leave. Edgar’s birthday meant I’m having a panic attack, I need your help. Ryan wanted to punch the guy that was practically feeling Jeremy up. No—he wanted to fucking kill that bastard. He and Jeremy may have had a severe falling out, they may have suffered years of heartache and longing, but he still felt responsible to make sure Jeremy was safe.

“He said he kinda wanted to go home. He went to the bathroom while I found you. You, uh, just about ready?” Ryan’s eyes flitted between Jeremy and the other man, who cleared his throat and mumbled something about needing to go find his friends before walking off.

Jeremy and Ryan both sigh in relief once he’s gone.

“Wanna head outside for some fresh air for a minute?” Ryan asks, getting a meek, obviously shaken-up nod in return.

Jeremy says something that Ryan can’t quite hear over the music as they walk outside.

“Hm?”

“Oh, nothing. It was dumb.” Jeremy shakes his head. Ryan has had enough experience to know that it was better to just leave it alone. They both wordlessly come to a stop and lean against the wall of the building a few yards from the door. Almost as if they had been working as partners for years. They spend a few minutes saying nothing, watching people on the street, looking at the stars in the sky. Ryan can’t help but study the intricacies of Jeremy, realizing that so many things have changed, but somehow almost nothing about him is different. Jeremy’s hair is just a tad bit more grown out than it ever was at the agency (also, it’s bright purple and orange, which is not exactly the most appealing color combination, but that’s a topic for another day), but he still runs his hands through it when he’s lost in thought. It’s curlier than it used to be, but maybe that’s just because it’s longer. He still clenches his jaw so hard it seems like he’s going to break his teeth when he’s scared. He still wears a tank top under his shirt, no matter how hot it is outside. His eyes still crinkle at the corners when he lets out a bark of laughter that Ryan still swears up and down sounds exactly like a squeaky toy. He’s changed, though. Ryan can see in his eyes that he’s become aware of reality. He knows the responsibility he carries, the heavy consequences that come with his actions, that death is around the corner at every moment.

“D’you- d’you want me to take you home?” Ryan says barely above a whisper, but loud enough for Jeremy to hear. “You can go back inside if you want, but I know you always used to want to go home and be alone after Edgar shows up.” Jeremy lets out the tiniest breathy chuckle.

“Edgar has always been kind of a bitch, hasn’t he?” Jeremy says as he looks away from the sky to meet Ryan’s gaze, and his heart falls apart all over again for the thousandth time. That fond look of reminiscence and joy was one Ryan donned frequently at the agency. “I- Yeah. yeah. I’d really appreciate a ride home. I’m just a little too drunk to drive, I think.”

“Alright. I parked just down the street. Penthouse or your apartment?” Ryan hadn’t even noticed that Jeremy did seem somewhat tipsy; his Boston accent slipping in occasionally and his words slurring the tiniest bit.

“Um, apartment,” Jeremy says. “D’you rem-”

“Yes, I remember where your apartment is, Jeremy.”

It’s only a few minutes into the drive to the other side of town when Jeremy pipes up. “I honestly didn’t really expect you to help me. I didn’t expect you to remember Edgar, either. I dunno why I said it, I guess just vaguely hoping you would even though it’s been, what, three years?” he pauses for a moment and just takes in Ryan's profile. “I always hope you remember things from then. I know it went to shit, but we still had so much fun. We made so many memories and did so much dumb shit there. But I’m glad that stupid fuckin’ place collapsed. All of it was complete bullshit. I just wish it all fell apart before we did.”

Ryan doesn’t know how to respond. So he doesn’t.

“All those meetings I had to stay late for? Fuckin’ useless. They served no purpose, and I don't know why I was forced to go to them. I feel like the only reason I had to go to those meetings was because someone was hiding something from me. It was obvious that so many things were kept from us.” Jeremy stops for a second to try to will away the lump rising in his throat. “I thought you were cheating on me. For the longest time. I still don’t know whether you actually were. You were always out on ‘special missions’ and shit.”

The moment Ryan hears Jeremy let out a shaky breath his heart breaks.

“Was it me? Was I not good enough? I promise I tried my hardest to be what you needed. I’m sorry if I wasn’t. All I wanted was the best for you, Ryan. Even now, I just want you to be happy. If you're happier with someone else, then that’s what I want. I don’t blame you, though. I don’t deserve someone like you. You deserve so much better than me. I would do anything for you, Rye. We were together for so long. We did everything together! I thought I was gonna marry you. I was saving up money to get a ring. I guess I was too stupid to see that you didn’t want me anymore.”

Ryan looks over to see the tears staining Jeremy’s cheeks reflecting the soft orange glow of the streetlamps. Is this really what Jeremy thinks?

“I was so in love with you, Ryan Haywood. I’m- I’m still in love with you. I love you so goddamn much it hurts sometimes. Every time I see you hurt, upset, angry, anything other than healthy and happy my heart aches. I’m sorry I wasn't enough. I promise I tried. Fuck, I tried so hard.”

With every sob Jeremy lets out, Ryan's heart breaks just a little bit more. The short distance left until Ryan pulls up to Jeremy’s apartment building is spent wordlessly. Jeremy’s clambering out of the car and reaching to grab the door when Ryan speaks.

“Hey, Jer, do you want me to walk you up? I just want to make sure you’re safe.”

“No. I’m fine. I’ll be fine. I’ve already been a pain in your ass tonight, I don't need to waste even more of your time. I’m sorry. I’m sorry about everything.” Jeremy sniffles and wipes his cheeks, giving a half-hearted smile before shutting the door and walking away.

Ryan sits there for a second, unable to process fully what he just heard. He starts driving without even knowing where he was going, and he’s so lost in his thoughts that suddenly he’s sitting in his car in front of the boardwalk along the beach and crying. He can’t believe anything he was just told—there is no way in hell that the brilliant, witty, talented Jeremy Dooley ever doubts his worth. It’s jarring to think that part of it was because of Ryan. He was going on extra missions because the agency was growing more and more demanding. For months they tormented Ryan with the threat of kicking out Jeremy. They said they’d do other things to him that Ryan doesn’t want to remember. Why did Jeremy never bring it up? Why did he just accept that Ryan had ‘moved on?’ Their lives were so intertwined with one another that Ryan never felt truly whole again. The only reason Ryan went with the break up was that he saw how distant and cold Jeremy had gotten. Ryan had assumed that, for whatever reason, Jeremy had changed his mind. He hated it, he was devastated, but he didn't know how to fix it.

Ryan decides he doesn’t want to go back to the penthouse tonight. He pulls up to the nearest crew safehouse, and suddenly things click.

Jeremy had always struggled with bad self-image and depression. He had gone to Ryan for comfort, which he was always more than willing to give. Jeremy was doing better. At least he told Ryan he was.

Jack had mentioned a while ago that when Jeremy first joined the crew, she had found him after a suicide attempt and barely left his side until he recovered. The only reason for it Jack had told Ryan about was ‘emotional trauma from a past relationship, that he didn’t really want to talk about.’

Ryan did that to him.

Ryan did that to him.

Ryan made the love of his life want to die.

The pieces left of his heart fall into more shards than there are grains of sand in this world.

He collapses onto the couch inside, too exhausted to even get to the bed. He knows he’s not going to be able to sleep, though.

To: Geoff

Dropped Jeremy off at his place, he was pretty drunk though so check on him please

To: Geoff

I’m staying at kung fu safehouse for the night

[luciusrnalfoys]

             self-respect leads to self-discipline.              when you have both firmly under your belt, that’s real power

✧*:･ﾟ✧ merlin! is that SAM CLAFLIN? no, it’s just LUCIUS MALFOY the SIXTH YEAR SLYTHERIN ( PUREBLOOD ). we’ve heard rumors that HE ( CIS MALE ) is METICULOUS, SELF ASSURED & INTELLIGENT but can also be very ENTITLED, BIGOTED & SLY. if i had to pick one song to describe HIM it would SUPER RICH KIDS BY FRANK OCEAN. Good luck with the rest of your time at Hogwarts.

INSPO: pinboard and stats page.

TRIGGER WARNINGS: slight mentions of emotional abuse, but they’re not very explicit, terminal illness, murder

AESTHETIC: violin music, well fitted suits, falling asleep when high, polished shoes, lavish gardens, polite smiles, books with highlighted quotes, satin, white peacocks

history

lucius was born as an only child to abraxas malfoy and hemera malfoy néé rowle, who had very little in common. their marriage was political, loveless, a smart move for both parties involved, and with their house so big, their lack of love for each other did not matter all too much. lucius followed two years into their marriage, and was the only link the two had besides their ring and common house --- they both, after all, loved lucius.

whereas his mother’s love was genuine and deep, his father’s is more ... cold and distant and filled with expectations. the latter raised lucius to be the perfect heir, the perfect malfoy, the perfect future pawn in a war. ( abraxas had not joined the ranks himself, but was definitely involved and a supporter, and wanted nothing but to see his son join ). from abraxas, lucius has learned a lot of qualities that do and will make him into the shitty, successful death eater he becomes. from his mother, he’s developed a caring, family-oriented streak.

lucius grew up spoiled and loved, but not perfectly; there was an absence of love between of parents, a toxicity of his father’s love that he never really understood, but always felt. still, he was turning out to be the perfect son --- he kept his back straight and played the violin and read his books and listened, listened so carefully to every word that dropped from his parents’ lips. surrounded by people who were part of high society, lucius was also barely ever challenged to think differently or act differently: all the things he was taught were true, all the things he received, he deserved. the world spun the way it did for lucius, and he saw no reason to try and change any of it, not even then.

going to hogwarts was a good thing: it allowed lucius to expand his mind. he genuinely likes learning, too, and thinks education is very important ( he’d prefer to see him in that headmaster’s office, to be honest ). at hogwarts, lucius continued to mostly stick to the people he already knew, to the people who fit his ideals --- people with a good surname, with talent, with money, with pure blood, and preferably all of those at the same time. while he’s a pretty model student --- he barely ever misses a deadline, gets good grades, is polite --- he’s never been afraid to share the fact that he’s deserving of everything, whereas many others are beneath him.

[ terminal illness, murder tw  his third year was a turbulent one: his mother fell ill, fatally so --- it was a genetic disease, something incurable, and she very soon became bedbound. at the same time, his father took part in the plot that would cause the minister of magic ( a muggleborn ) to fall fatally ill, and lucius was let in on all the details, his father wanting lucius to learn ( there’s more deets abt this on abraxas’ wiki page bc it’s canon! ). it was a year where lucius learned that taking things slow and planning things out was the best way to go about things, but also learned that not even everything in his life was in his or his family’s control. his mother’s illness led to his mother’s sister moving in to help with things around the house, while his father started working more --- he’d no interest in looking after his sick wife, who he didn’t even love too much. it was something that enraged lucius, while his respect for his father was also growing due to the minister thing. anyway. it’s a mess. i can go on abt this for a long time!!! end of tw ]

currently

lucius isn’t really surprised that dumbledore was a drug dealer on the side and is damn glad that he’s gone. not that he really loves mcgonagall either, but he dislikes her just slightly less than he dislikes dumbledore, and knows that the castle could easily turn over a new leaf now that everything is so unstable --- he’s got very high ideals for hogwarts LOL!!! he wants slughorn to be hogwarts BUT OKAY. anyway, lucius is in his sixth year now, ready to work on his NEWTs and anticipate graduation. he’s very focused on his studies and kissing teachers’ asses, and besides that he doesn’t do much but be an asshole?? he sticks with his friends and his little circle a lot, tbh, and besides that mostly just is an asshole to people, lol --- he’s just?? a condescending, entitled son of a bitch, tbh

[ terminal illness tw his mother is still ill, which is very ... tough?? surprisingly? lucius does not like not being in control, is used to being in control of most of the things around him, and this is such an untouchable thing that it just ... IT DRIVES HIM MAD, tbh. he tries not to think about it, compartmentalises his worries, which is easy when he’s at hogwarts, as there’s a literal distance between him and his problems. his emotions/feelings towards his father have grown a bit more bitter, too, though still harbours a lot of respect for him end of tw ]

pretty much sure that he’s gonna join the death eaters once he’s out of hogwarts --- it’s not really something he feels he’s got much of a choice in, anyway. lucius does not think the death eaters are the best way to reach blood purity, but they’re the best way at this moment, and so he will join ( though he will prove to be more loyal to the cause than to voldemort himself, as we know LOL ). anyway, yikes. playing de’s makes me feel sticky

conclusion & ramblings

one time i played lucius in an rp and he was hit three times, which says a lot about him

honestly, while i think he’s an interesting character to write and stuff, i really, really hate him --- he’s the worst person, tbh? smart and capable but ?? out here wanting to contribute to this war in a terrible manner? willing to p shitty things? anyway just know that i will never excuse a messed up thing he does!!!! ever!! 

was once described as a chicken nugget: something that’s pretty good when you look at it without thinking about it, but when you do, you realise it’s nothing but pure trash.

plays the violin ??? loves mythology ??? lowkey a nerd but high key also a nerd, but he’s like “well i just want to better myself, wbu?”

pretentious ass motherfucker who will be condescending about everything -- from hair to gardens to the way your socks match your tie. judging is his favourite, number one hobby, tbh.

basically a rich white guy who uses his privilege to do bad things and get away with them. like, everything that’s wrong in the world rn basically. i Really hate him.

anyway plot w my problematic son and throw shade at him w me

[punkfistfights]

ok so i talked with @weekend-conspiracy-theorist about this awhile ago, but y’all don’t understand i have so many real, intense Feelings about the ot6 (bitty/jack/shitty/lardo/holster/ransom). like??? it’s such a fucking pure ship and idek if anyone else ships it but I Do and that’s all that matters??????? but also i need to,,,release my hcs to the world. so, here’s some barely coherent ramblings about them (also frog farmer will probs be mentioned bc Yes)

1) ok, so all the separate components got together first, right? zimbits, holsom, shitty/lardo. they formed the way everyone expects them to

2) idk if shitty/lardo or holsom started exploring polyamory first i Just Don’t bc like??? lardo is queer af and def interested in girls & i can see her & shitty having an open relationship but??? ransom is literally so in love with march and with holster and he’s really just,,,anxious abt it???? he feels like he’s doing something wrong, he feels like he’s cheating on holster emotionally and he’s just so stuck in a vvv monogamous view of the world and it makes me sad

3) anYWAYS but yea so zimbits is the last to do anything polyam related bc they’re just so grossly in love

4) and idk what even happens but shitty and jack end up kissing and jack freaks tf out, but when he tells bitty, bitty’s all “I FUCKING KNEW Y’ALL WERE IN LOVE. I CALLED THAT SHIT” and jack is,,,,confused to Say The Least but yeah ot4 happens (bitty and lardo are the cutest fucking qpp ever, it’s honestly unfair, how are these Tiny Assholes so fuckign adorable?????? what is this shit?? - shitty, at some point)

5) and then one day bitty’s just like,,,,,guys i think i’m into ransom too??? and at this point they’re in a somewhat open relash (bc lardo needs her gfs ok???? she has a vvvv constant stream of gfs and enbyfriends and she has an on-off relationship with camilla) so his signifs tell him to go for it and bitty talks to holsom and long story short in ends with a threesome and an open invitation to join the ot4 whenever they want

6) and they all kinda congregated to the boston/providence area and are vvvv happy and decide to get a giant ass house together (bitty runs his vlog still but now he gets paid for it bc he managed to get a incredibly lucrative sponsorship ntm lardo’s p damn popular & gets lots of commissions & this is STILL ignoring jack’s nhl money)

7) they help ransom through med school and make it so shitty can go pro bono, as well as getting holster to open his own small business (idk what he does but he’s p successful too)

7.5) the frogs and farmer are all in cali and are also in a vvv happy polyam relationship & they’re hella cute and randomly send selfies to the ot6, bc why the hell not??

8) march & holsom have a long distance relationship and she’s with april. she & ransom end up having a daughter together!! march isn’t really interested in raising a kid though and april never wanted children, so she lives with the ot6

9) while the ot6 are all in one big relationship, they def have their primary relationships. so ransom’s daughter calls him papa and holster daddy, but calls the rest of them uncle (or auntie in lardo’s case)

10) eventually bitty & jack decide they want kids too and they have two through a surrogate

10.5) camilla is their surrogate!!

11) while lardo adores her partners’ kids, she doesn’t want any of her own, even a little bit and is perfectly happy to be auntie

12) bitty & jack’s kids (one daughter & one son) consider shitty their third dad (jack is papa, bitty is daddy, & shitty’s pops)

13) jack has def hooked up with tater on more than one roadie. everyone’s vvvv cool w/ it

14) ransom & tater have hooked up too, lbr

15) just,,,everyone is happy and fulfilled and it’s a gr9 relationship with everyone with hella communications and lots of visits from the frogs & farmer (even though they live on the other side of the country)