#anyway I’ve been writing this post for over twenty-four hours now so I’m going to call it

[francesderwent]

“decrying the manipulative cowardice of cohabitation” I would love to hear more of this take on TTPD if you’re willing

boy am I willing!

I am going to start with You’re Losing Me, because I think it’s a crucial prologue to the album. You’re Losing Me is about a relationship that’s dying, because the partner she’s singing to is stuck in inactivity. she begs, “do something, babe, say something. lose something, babe, risk something. choose something, babe, I’ve got nothing to believe unless you’re choosing me.” we’re in new territory, for Taylor. she sings, “now I just sit in the dark, and wonder if it’s time.” he isn’t leaving (Forever & Always), and he’s not doing something so awful that she has to leave (The Moment I Knew). he is staying—which for so long has been the hallmark of a happy ending in her music (Stay Stay Stay, All You Had To Do Was Stay, New Year’s Day, The Archer)! but he won’t make some decisive move, won’t risk something, won’t choose her. but he is with her, so what is that choice?

and the thing about TTPD is, when she’s speaking directly about that relationship, she doesn’t exactly just tell us. So Long London is more about what the collapse of the relationship felt like for her than a story of how it collapsed—she felt like he wasn’t giving himself to the relationship, she felt like she was putting in all the work, she felt like her sadness wasn’t taken seriously, she felt unsure of whether he even wanted to be with her. and she throws in there amidst all of this: “I’m pissed off you let me give you all that youth for free” and “you swore that you loved me but where were the clues, I died on the altar waiting for the proof.” they were together for a long time, but still she’s waiting for something—still she felt like she was taken advantage of when that something didn’t come. the altar line is the clearest hint—along with “my beloved ghost and me sitting in a tree D-Y-I-N-G” in How Did It End—what was missing was marriage. she felt left at the altar. the relationship that should have followed the traditional trajectory of “first comes love, then comes marriage, then comes baby in the baby carriage” stalled out after love.

don’t get me wrong, I think she totally captures the feeling of slow despair when your partner won’t commit—but she doesn’t come out and say “you liar, when I fell in love with you, you told me we would get married and have a family, but you never followed through”. on the face of it, she barely focuses on this relationship at all—at first glance only the track 5s are obviously about the long-term live-in partner. instead, she presents us with a twist: not an album about the six year relationship which ended out of nowhere, but an album seemingly mostly about a rebound that only lasted a few weeks.

but the rebound doesn’t leave the theme of marriage behind! no! in fact, marriage comes to the forefront right away in the title track: “at dinner you take my ring off my middle finger and put it on the one people put wedding rings on, and that’s the closest I’ve come to my heart exploding.” and again in Fresh Out the Slammer: “ain’t no way I’m gonna screw up now that I know what’s at stake here at the park where we used to sit on children’s swings, wearing imaginary rings.” so despite everything that she knows from the get-go is wrong with this guy (“you’re in self-sabotage mode, throwing spikes down on the road”, “all your indecent exposures”, “I know he’s crazy”, “the jokes that he told across the bar were revolting and far too loud”) it’s evident to me why this is the one she wants—because this guy says, clearly, that he is willing to give her what her last partner would not. marriage isn’t the unspoken wound that’s made the relationship bleed out—it’s out in the open! this guy is making moves! and so the story of how the live-in partnership fell apart starts to come together: she was lured away by the rebound guy, someone she had a former acquaintance with but who’s appeared again in her life at a decisive moment (see: Fortnight & Guilty as Sin) precisely because here was a way to actually have the happy ending that she thought she was promised in her old relationship. “it’s gonna be alright, I did my time”!

but of course, that’s not what happens. just as quickly as the rebound guy swept into her life and promised to fix everything, he disappears without a word. Down Bad paints the picture starkly: their love affair was so quick and so dramatic that she feels like she was abducted by aliens and then dropped back at home with a story no one seems to believe—but it was real, he did say all those things, she was in love. until finally, in The Smallest Man Who Ever Lived, she has to admit: whatever he was after, whatever his motivations were, it wasn’t love. he used her.

why is this important, when we’re talking about cohabitation and not rebounds or hookups? let’s turn to loml. loml tells the story of a relationship which from the beginning seemed like it was heading straight from the first kiss to marriage, but which turns out to be not what she thought it was—“a con-man sells a fool a get-love-quick scheme”. perhaps the most telling line on the whole album, “you shit-talked me under the table, talking rings and talking cradles”, tells us: in private where no one could see, he made her all these promises. but she can see now that he didn’t mean them, that although she’s mourning the loss of their love, what she’s mourning wasn’t even real: “something counterfeit is dead”. who is this song about? lines like “in your suit and tie” “you low-down boy” “you holy ghost” “told me I reformed you” and “Mr. Steal Your Girl and make her cry” seem to point to the rebound—but lines like “you stand-up guy” “you cinephile in black and white” and “all those plot twists” seem to be references to the partner. and the closer you look, the blurrier it gets. “you holy ghost” applies to both of them—one ghosted her by disappearing, but the other became a ghost in their home. “told me I reformed you” sounds like I Can Fix Him—but her relationship with the partner started in an album that opened with “knew he was a killer first time that I saw him”. the rebound stole her from her partner, making him Mr Steal Your Girl, but the partner did the same thing back in the day. “something counterfeit” could be pointing to “was any of it true” in Smallest Man—or it could be pointing to “your faithless love’s the only hoax I believe in”. the more you know the lore, the more you have all her old lyrics memorized, the more references you see.  Taylor has always been famous for calling her boyfriends out publicly, but this time, she didn’t hide any identifying clues for us to unearth. she blurred the details, she painted everybody with the same brush. loml is about both of them. they both told her they were heading towards marriage and kids—and they both disappeared on her.

and once you start to see the parallels, they start popping up all over the album. the title track is about the rebound—but it says “I’ve seen this episode and still loved the show”, hinting that everything with him feels familiar for some reason, and her plea “who's gonna hold you like me? who’s gonna know you like me?” echoes her triumphant statement to her partner in ME!: “I promise that nobody’s gonna love you like me”. My Boy Only Breaks His Favorite Toys tells the same story as loml of the man who gave you all kinds of attention at the beginning and then when he saw forever coming, smashed it up—“I’m queen of sandcastles he destroys” parallels both “once your queen had come you’d treat her like an also-ran” in Smallest Man and “salute to me, I’m your American queen” in King of My Heart. “but you should have seen him when he first got me” is the thesis of practically every song she wrote about her partner from evermore to Midnights, when she had to go back to the beginning of the relationship to find something romantic to sing about. Down Bad is the same story again, of singling her out and making her feel special, and then abandoning her. Fresh Out the Slammer parallels High Infidelity, which had her current partner cast in the part of the one she was running home to, the one who brought her back to life. “we’ve already done it in my head” in Guilty as Sin is the sinister reprise of “in the middle of the night in my dreams, you should see the things we do, baby” in Ready For It. is The Albatross about the public outcry in But Daddy I Love Him, or is it about “here’s to my baby, he ain’t reading what they call me lately” in This Is Why We Can’t Have Nice Things? in Chloe or Sam or Sophia or Marcus, who is she talking about when she says it would haunt her to know their love was real? Peter weaves the two stories into each other: both men met her when they were twenty-five—one said he wasn’t ready for a relationship but maybe they’d connect again later, the other said he was ready for a relationship but he wasn’t ready to get married. “we said it was just goodbye for now, you said you were gonna grow up then you were gonna come find me”. but all those promises, from both of them, from every guy she’s ever dated, were never ever kept.

in the album liner notes, she sums it all up: “and so I was out of the oven and into the microwave”. both men did exactly the same thing—the only difference is one did it slow, over six years, and one did it fast.

that’s a really powerful, and a really unexpected statement. think about it. most people in our society don’t really believe that marriage is until death do us part; they believe in the possibility of divorce, they believe that marriage is until one or both parties call it quits. therefore, marriage is essentially no different from living together: both are committed, but not unbreakably vowed. so the death of Taylor’s six-year cohabiting relationship is, for many people, the death of the most serious kind of relationship there is. and instead of delivering the “mature adult breakup” party line of “sometimes things are good and right for a season of life, but they just don’t work out”, what the album says is “what you did is exactly the same as if you’d fed me a few pretty lines to get me into bed then stopped answering my texts”. living with someone without proposing marriage to them EQUALS love-bombing them then ghosting. one lasts a lot longer, but it’s still just manipulation and use. she has to ask herself about both of them what it was they really wanted—“were you writing a book, were you a sleeper-cell spy?” about the rebound, and “was it hazing for a cruel fraternity I pledged and I still mean it? were you making fun of me with some esoteric joke?” about the partner—because they clearly did not want her.

I think in the end what she saw was that it’s not about timing, it’s not about fate, it’s not about anything other than whether the man has the courage to make a commitment. she says in loml “the coward claimed he was a lion”, and in The Black Dog “you said I needed a brave man, then proceeded to play him until I believed it too”—these men pretended like they were brave enough to get married, but then “there was danger in the heat of my touch, he saw forever so he smashed it up”. he gets scared and gives up; he’s “lost to the lost boys’ chapter of life”. all that courage was false bravado. “tail between your legs, you’re leaving”. by the end of the album, she has lost all patience and respect for these blokes who warm the benches on the fields of love.

I really do believe that the album she gave us is more sophisticated than if she had simply written a callout of her partner in the style of Smallest Man or Should’ve Said No. she can give detailed accounts of individual sins all day long, but by looking at the big picture and drawing equivalencies, what we get isn’t an accusation so much as it is the development of an ethics.

I mean, come on. that’s cool.

[ahiddenpath]

Hidden's Life

Hi guys, I started writing a journal on my computer, as typing is a lot faster than pen and paper. I am sharing my first entry.

Content warning: It's about the "should I have a kid" debate, and it's way more political than what I usually post on my digimon blog. It gets into climate change, the financial and emotional cost of child rearing, and is leftist in tone. I am really struggling with this topic, and I welcome input and conversations. If you want to talk about it and we're pals on Discord, please do! I want to hear from as many people as possible.

The tone is bleak, but in a matter-of-fact way, if that makes sense?

So, I took a two week vacation. I was in Vegas for a few days for the first time, then in a cabin on a river. I’m not going to talk about that much here. Instead, I’m going to focus on life.

Whenever I have a few days off in a row with no plans (which is rare), I like to touch base with myself on where I am in life. I guess that’s what I’m doing here.

I will say that I’m feeling a lot more rested/restored by this vacation than I have been from my vacations over the last few years. Travel takes a ton out of me, and I’m sensitive to time zone changes and general shifts in routine. I’m surrounded by career scientists, many without children (aka people with money to travel), so it’s common to feel like I’m “missing out” or “doing it wrong” if I’m not visiting 1-3 international spots per year. It turns out that. Um. I actually really like the river cabin. Japan last year was amazing, but I came back jet lagged, exhausted, sick, and with a foot injury from power walking for 10-14 hours per day for 2 weeks. More chill domestic vacations may be the way.

But anyway, I wanted to write down my thoughts on the future.

I’m not sure if I’ve mentioned it here, so pardon me if I have, but… I’ve been dating my husband since we were 14, and we’ve been married for 11 years, together for 21. For nearly two decades, whenever I asked about children, my husband would shrug and say, “Maybe someday.” This year, for the first time, his answer changed to, “I’d like one child, but I’m not sure if it’s ethical.”

As for me, I’ve never been hit with maternal desire. In my early twenties, I assumed I’d marry my now husband, have kids, and be a stay at home parent. I’m not sure… Why I thought that? Other than that I have no career ambition, and my husband was raised by a stay at home parent. It feels a bit weird to say I lack ambition when I’m a career scientist, but it’s true. I just want to get the most money with the least effort and damage to my physical and mental health. I feel, on some level, I’ve been waiting my whole life for some kind of purpose or desire, but these days… I’m beginning to understand that wanting health and happiness is an amazing goal, and that humans aren’t necessarily meant to find fulfillment from our work. It’s okay if family is your goal! It’s okay if being a hobbit is your goal (being comfy, reading books, taking walks, etc)!

I got my first job when I was 15, I had to get my mom to sign a permission form, lol. I saved all my money and invested it as best I could, which was CDs (at the time they had like a 5% return, and as a teenager I did not really understand investing- that kinda remains true). My mom warned me from early on that she had no money to help me, and my father openly gloated about not being financially responsible for me soon. Like, he’d count down and update me every now and then- only five years until you aren’t my problem anymore, girl! Four years, three, two, one. He apparently still doesn’t understand why I went no contact with him.

I’ve never been laid off or between jobs, just. Working and preparing for a future where I was financially independent since I was 15. So again I wonder. Why??? I thought I would be a stay at home parent, lol! My husband is extremely intelligent, and he graduated straight into a programming job that pays more than I will ever make, so that might have been part of it. But when I got my new job 2 years ago, my package became competitive enough that I now actually… Have a career to lose.

What I’m trying to say here is that I feel conflicted about… everything. Why am I in this job that I don’t like, but I excel at and it pays fairly (or at least, it does since the new job two years ago)? Am I going to do this until I’m in my 60s because capitalism? Do I want a kid? Shouldn’t I know if I want a kid? But then, I can barely scrape together the brain juice to decide what I want for dinner most nights, after spending 8 hrs working and 90 min commuting. Is it any wonder I can’t bring myself to figure out if I want huge life changes or not?

Financially, my husband and I are doing well. We have a house, retirement savings, and we can afford our expenses on my husband’s salary alone. Mine is called upon for things we want, like getting a working shower in the master bathroom this year and the laundry list of smaller home improvements we paid for last year. But when you have a house, there is always more to do. Our roof is probably original to the house, which is 36. If I want our fireplace to work, that will cost at least a few grand. Our heater is too small for the house; if we want to use our finished basement more, we need to replace it with an appropriately sized one.

If I quit now, it will be difficult or impossible to do those things (and by the way, I feel like wanting a correct sized heater, a working master shower, a working fireplace, and a safe roof are not, like, super bougie??? God damn shit’s expensive). (And by the way, I'm aware that HAVING these problems is a privilege, and that is INSANE to me). If I wait too much longer, I’ll be unable to deliver a healthy baby (I’m 35). But if I’m going to have a baby, just one baby, then I want to spend time with them.

Meanwhile, there’s the ethical questions. I’ve searched online for: Is it ethical to have a child during the climate crisis? Interestingly, the hits were mostly about the impact each individual human has on emissions and climate change. Listen, sure, if you really want to be conscientious about it, don’t have more than 2 kids, which keeps your family’s population steady at the micro level. But damn, don’t be guilted out of a family, a totally normal thing, while a few corporations destroy the world for profit and tell you to have fewer babies. God damn! The mythos of the individual’s impact on climate change while companies burn fossil fuels for funsies is some high level con work, holy shit.

I’m not worried about my theoretical kid’s carbon footprint. No man, I’m worried about them having access to clean water, reliable power, food, medicine, and places to live that aren’t storm riddled, underwater, on fire, etc. Oh, and clean air. People who are sensitive to air born pollutants are already dying prematurely, and have been for years. The idea that people think climate change is something you “believe in” like fucking Santa Claus is absolute insanity to me. People are already dying, my brother in Christ.

So like, do I raise and rear this child to die early or have poor quality of life starting now, and rapidly declining? True, humans have literally always faced pressures: plague, economic strife, war, the threat of nuclear fallout, etc. We have babies anyway, partially because we don’t all have education and access to reproductive care, but also because having families is just. A totally normal desire, as is not having them! Having them does have an additional biological push behind it; organisms tend to feel reproductive pressure. It’s evolution’s super fun gift (/sarcasm)! In some ways, having kids feels almost necessary, as it makes people feel hope and desire for a better future. But there must be millions of kiddos existing now, and we’re not doing much to make the world more habitable for them on a global scale.

I want to take a moment to clarify that I am not judging anyone for having children. We should be able to have families. It’s insane that we’re facing these pressures, that so little is being done about it. But as someone who does not have any yet, I find myself grappling with these questions.

So yeah. A.) I’m not sure if I want kids, and my lifestyle does not allow much time or space for reflection. B.) I’m not sure if having children is ethical in the year of our lord 2024. C.) As much as I dislike work, I’m not sure if not working is right for me, either. It’s easy to fall into mental health issues without a structured routine. D.) I have a strong desire for financial security, and it was beaten into me from as far back as I can remember. What will the loss of my income do to my mental health? E.) While we can afford our needs on my husband’s salary, relying on one income is always precarious. Layoffs are a constant threat in tech, and injury, mental health crises, and death can come for anyone. F.) When I was in therapy, my therapist specifically advised me not to stop working and rely on my spouse’s income. I know this is good advice for women, lol! Like, truly, I do get it. My therapist knows about my drive for financial security and my strong support for women. I can say, though, that in 21 years with my husband, he’s never given me reason to doubt him. Not once.

I guess that brings me to another fear of having a kid. Obviously I’m terrified of pregnancy and childbirth, and my country has the worst maternal death rate of the developed world (like… by a long shot). I’m already unhappy with my body and my energy levels; bearing and raising a baby is not. Going. To help. But I’m also worried about the division of labor that goes into childrearing. I’m told Millenial men have made huge strides in combating the deadbeat dad. But when I grew up, every family I knew was held together by the mother. My father worked. He did not do anything else. He didn’t cook, clean, play with or watch the kids, do yard work, make doctor appointments, meet with teachers, shop for the family, chauffeur the kids around, any of it. He didn’t even buy Christmas presents for his own parents, my mom had to do that for him. Most of the households I visited seemed to function the same way. I know my husband wouldn’t do that; hell, as it is, he does more than I do, often in the 90 min per day that I spend commuting. But my understanding is that, when it comes to raising kids, women still take on more of the work on average. And I’m not even sure if I want one, lol!

And the other huge concern is the political scene. If Trump wins in November, or just… Idk, stages a coup or whatever, I… Probably won’t reproduce. As I understand, his proposed administration/Project 2025 is looking to defund public education, continue destroying the planet for the profit of a few people, and generally dismantle everything. I don’t think the country would recover within my childbearing years.

Basically, I don’t know what the hell I want. I suppose I can get another job if I lost the one I have, although I’m told competition is stiff. Once you have a baby, though, you uh… You have a kid, lmao! I admit that I’ve spent a lot of time trying to figure out why one would want a baby. The ‘ol pro/con list isn’t looking too great! Like, babies, okay? The good things (in my mind): as we age, we lose more people. It’s common and understandable to want more people to call your own, especially as we age and as life pulls us further apart from people we knew when we were younger. Some people experience reproductive drives, so there is a driving force. Cons: Pregnancy is body altering and life endangering, children produce a horrific and varied array of fluids, they’re sick all the time and make their parents sick too, daycare costs are a second mortgage for five years in my area, taking them to and from daycare and school around work is next to impossible, they make noises and run around (aka, incompatible with my stimulus issues), and I personally don’t have fond childhood memories or warm feelings about family, thanks to my own difficult upbringing.

This is one of those decisions that doesn’t logic on paper. I’m sure most people would say, “Oh, you don’t use logic for this sort of thing!” But then, like. Uh. What are you doing? I have a coworker who is maybe 15 years older than me who talked to me about people my age not having kids (uninvited, I might add, lmao). She was like, whenever I ask someone your age, they give me all these reasons about money and daycare and the difficulties of navigating work around a family where both parents have full time jobs. You just make it work! You’ll figure it out!

And I remember thinking, Ma’am, your youngest is 12. Daycare didn’t cost $2,000-2,400 per month per kid back then, and mortgages and rent were less. Like, sure, yeah, I’ll just have a kid and feed them hopes and dreams, no problem! Mm, delicious.

I don’t know, man. Sometimes I think about all the folks who will never have kids because they can’t afford them, and I feel so enraged. Or the rising infertility rates as our environment and foods become less healthy and our stress increases. Or I think about the people who have kids but can rarely spend time with them (and desperately want to) because they are trying to get the money they need to take care of them. And then there’s people like me, who are so goddamned tired and overwhelmed by their job that they have no brain space to even… Like… Figure out if they want a kid!

Well, there will be no changes until I see how the election and the possible coup go, so I need to put this down for now.

What a fun sentence.

[ddelline]

fic OST | circulus vitiosus (salva mea)

blurb | bc it’s me ofc there’s a fic OST to be had! posting this in the wake of publishing part 1, despite having 2 more parts to both write & post. well. anyway: hereby the music which serves as the inspirational foundation for circulus vitiosus (salva mea), or as it’s colloquially called: time loop!fic. may contain vague, conceptual spoilers for what’s to come in parts 2 and 3 (though not that much bc everything herein is pretty consistently dark & foreboding, lol) what | 30 tracks which may or may not be arranged according to in-fic events & which fail to stick any sort of genre-bound landing, feat everything from broken beat avant garde electronica → triphop → psychedelic rock → classic r&b, plus some delicious instrumental electric guitar bits playlist → spotify tracklist | under cut

01 | VTSS — why we don’t deserve nice things

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02 | tzusing — 戴綠帽 (wear green hat)

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03 | aphex twin — formula

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04 | the dead weather — will there be enough water?

will there be enough water when my ship comes in? water when my ship comes in? will there be water when my ship comes in?

05 | gustavo santaolalla — the hunters

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06 | wax tailor — ungodly fruit

perhaps those who may be among us for the first time may be wondering what is going to happen now

07 | djuma soundsystem — les djinns (trentemøller remix)

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08 | DJ shadow — what does your soul look like, pt. 2

in a few moments you will have an experience which will seem completely real it will be the result of your subconscious fears transformed to your conscious awareness you have five seconds to terminate this tape five, four, three, two, one

09 | nicolas jaar — john the revelator 

now who art worthy, crucified and holy bound up for some, son of our god daughter of zion, judea’s lion

10 | ethel cain — two-headed mother

I’ve loved before, I’ll kill again you’re just the worst of all my men I’m not gonna pull you out the den

11 | regis — broken on the wheel

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12 | restive plaggona — lonely people after midnight

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13 | shudan — jiangshi

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14 | teeth of the sea — field punishment

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15 | parrish smith — fader

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16 | thom yorke — harrowdown hill

did I fall or was I pushed? did I fall or was I pushed? and where’s the blood? and where’s the blood?

17 | TENDER — machine

you cut me open, and pull me apart a hollow chest instead of a heart control, control me you do what you want with me, baby till I am spent, I’m so content

18 | BANKS — 27 hours

it’s been twenty seven hours since we even saw the sun

19 | deaf bones — only lovers left alive

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20 | parrish smith — sex, suicide & speed metal

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21 | low — poor sucker

some poor sucker at the bottom of the lake took the wrong way up when the ground began to break it’s a long way back that’s the price you gotta pay

22 | sade — long hard road

there’s a long hard road ahead but a voice inside me said said there’s something that you need to know it’s gonna to be alright

23 | massive attack, tricky & 3D — take it there

we’ll take it there, but take your time we’ll take it there, you’ll lose your mind

24 | plaid & björk — lilith

the moon it guides me on baby there’s absolutely no doubt

25 | sneaker pimps — lightning field

hope’s the child of what luck brings points to faith in higher things ask me now fire at everything at once strike me down

26 | mew — one flew over, one was destroyed

do you remember what made you fall? and does it matter to you at all?

27 | amor satyr — que dançar?

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28 | manni dee & akiko haruna — frowzy

a couple hours means nothing in the dark in the end the choice was never ours

29 | faithless, rollo armstrong & sister bliss — salva mea

I wanna take a look at the world behind these eyes every nook, every cranny reorganize realize my face don't fit the way I feel what's real?

30 | hozier — first light

the sky set to burst the gold and the rust the colour erupts you filling my cup the sun coming up

[definitely-not-a-orange-lollipop]

What's up guys! It's Quandale Dingle here! (RUUEHEHEHEHEHEEHE) I have been arrested for multiple crimes (AHHHHHHHHHHHHH) including: Battery on a police officer (WHAT), Grand theft, Declaring war on Italy, and public indecency (RUHEHEHEEHEHEHEHEHEHEHE X2 speed). I will be escaping prison on, MARCH 28TH! After that.... I WILL TAKE OVER THE WORLD

I’ve come to make an announcement: Shadow the Hedgehog’s a bitch ass mother fucker. He pissed on my fucking wife. That’s right, he took his hedgehog fuckin' quilly dick out and he pissed on my fucking wife, and he said his dick was THIS BIG. And I said “that’s disgusting!” So I’m making a callout post on my twitter dot com: "Shadow the Hedgehog, you got a small dick, it’s the size of this walnut except WAY smaller." And guess what, here’s what my dong looks like: PFFFFFFFFGJT. That’s right baby. All point, no quills, no pillows, look at that it looks like two balls and a bong. He fucked my wife so guess what, I’m gonna FUCK THE EARTH. THATS RIGHT THIS IS WHAT YOU GET, MY SUPER LAZER PISS. Except I’m not gonna piss on the earth, I’m gonna go higher. I’m pissing on the MOOOOOON! How do you like that, OBAMA? I PISSED ON THE MOON, YOU IDIOT! You have twenty-three hours before the piss d r o p l e t s hit the fucking earth, now get out of my fucking sight before I piss on you too!

#not my smile inc

jokes on you i don't have organs >:)

I think you may have forgotten “Own a musket for home defense, since that's what the founding fathers intended. Four ruffians break into my house. "What the devil?" As I grab my powdered wig and Kentucky rifle. Blow a golf ball sized hole through the first man, he's dead on the spot. Draw my pistol on the second man, miss him entirely because it's smoothbore and nails the neighbors dog. I have to resort to the cannon mounted at the top of the stairs loaded with grape shot, "Tally ho lads" the grape shot shreds two men in the blast, the sound and extra shrapnel set off car alarms. Fix bayonet and charge the last terrified rapscallion. He Bleeds out waiting on the police to arrive since triangular bayonet wounds are impossible to stitch up. Just as the founding fathers intended.”

I cited the fourth amendment word for word and also sourced it on the poll 💀

(I am now a true American RAAAAAAH 🔥🔥🔥🦅🦅🦅🦅)

Irizz

Hey, hey look! Hey look! Look. glass jar

The FitnessGram™ Pacer Test is a multistage aerobic capacity test that progressively gets more difficult as it continues. The 20 meter pacer test will begin in 30 seconds. Line up at the start. The running speed starts slowly, but gets faster each minute after you hear this signal. [beep] A single lap should be completed each time you hear this sound. [ding] Remember to run in a straight line, and run as long as possible. The second time you fail to complete a lap before the sound, your test is over. The test will begin on the word start. On your mark, get ready, start.

Postman, postman

Fucked the whole area

(Well done indeed)

Without error exactly

And he will fuck you to your kidneys

Writing's not that easy, but Grammarly can help. This sentence is grammatically correct, but it's wordy and hard to read. It undermines the writer's message, and the word choice is bland. Grammarly's cutting-edge technology helps you craft compelling, understandable writing that makes an impact on your reader.

According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the ground. The bee, of course, flies anyway because bees don't care what humans think is impossible.

What is up little spoon,

I am sending you this because I do not want you to mutate the Solar System. Please do not mutate the Solar System or I'm gonna have to send all the alphas after you :)

What is a spoon, little spoon

what is spoon, little

Spoon little is what? Up

Crazy? I was crazy once. They locked me in a room. A rubber room! A rubber room with rats,and rats make me crazy. Crazy? I was crazy once. They locked me in a room. A rubber room! A rubber room with rats,and rats make me crazy. Crazy? I was crazy once-

talk to the hand cause the face doesn't wanna hear it-

Postman, postman

Turned the entire neighborhood into beans

(Well done indeed)

Without error exactly

And he’ll turn your kidneys into kidney beans

Zoozve

Gaynamede

Irizz

мый тыйым ебать пычал дене лӱйкалем

What's up guys, it's Quandale Dingle here

REEHEHEHEHEHE

Have you ever been slapped by a wet spaghetti noodle because your girlfriend has a twin sister so you got confused and fucked her dad?

Well that's how it feels to drive a Ford F-250

your car is smoking

...

I dont even own a car

Are you mentally okay

This is a shit lot

[skyeet-the-writer]

The Love Among Us

Chapter 1-- I’d Never Snitch On Daddy

so i haven’t seen many corpse husband x reader stories on here, so i decided to upload one myself. i’ve been watching jacksepticeye’s among us videos and when i heard corpse talk for the first time, i was like, “hol up” and now i’ve been obsessed with him. also, go stream his music on spotify, it’s amazing. enjoy! x. 

 corpse husband x female!reader

summary: while playing among us, y/n watches corpse kill felix in o2. when his body is reported, however, she doesn’t tell who killed him. 

 word count: ~3.6k

warnings: swearing, mentions of death (not real death), mentions of murder (not real murder)

EDIT: before i wrote this and after i published it, i did not know that corpse did not like to be referred to as “daddy”. had i known this, i would have not even thought of posting this. and since i know now, i won’t refer to him as such in the future. thank you. (10/19/2020)

EDIT 2: this is the first part to my corpse x reader series. i will be adding chapters as we go!

next>

4 rounds before the incident

“I was in coms with PJ!” Sean exclaims. 

“He is doing the liar voice!” Felix shouts with a laugh. 

“I’m not,” Sean tries to say, but everyone talks over him and the voting time ends. Everyone left alive, though it was only four people, had all voted for him and he yells at them as he gets ejected. 

stinky was not the imposter

2 imposters remain

The round ends and everyone unmutes themselves. 

“Lizzie, you saw Felix kill me and you did nothing!” Roomie yells as soon as the round ends and the imposters are revealed. 

“Yeah, because I was the other imposter.”

“Oh. Okay, well that makes sense.”

Everyone laughs and Ken starts the round again. 

“Wait, can I invite y/n to play? She’s doing her twenty-four-hour stream and she just finished playing Monopoly with Mark, Bob, and Wade,” says Lizzie, looking down at her phone as they all appear back in the waiting room. 

“Yes,” Corpse blurts out and there are a few laughs and chuckles. 

“You were quick to answer, Corpse,” Sean teases. 

“Shut up,” Corpse mumbles and there are even more laughs. 

Lizzie smiles and taps into her phone. “I’m gonna invite her.”

~

“I can’t believe that you actually made that deal, y/n,” Wade is telling you after ending the second round of Monopoly that you’ve played with them. 

You smile and cross your legs on your chair. “Look, I was going bankrupt and it seemed good at the time. Besides, Mark was going to win anyway, he owned half of the board.” Your phone buzzes beside you on your desk and you pick it up. “Lizzie texted me.” There’s a sound effect that plays in your headset and you look up at your screen and smile. “Thanks to _lorieplays _for donating a hundred dollars, that means a lot. Thank you so much.”

“Do you want to play another round?” Marks asks. 

You shake your head, reading the text from your friend in England. “No, I don’t want to lose to you again.” You laugh. “Nah, Lizzie wants me to play Among Us with her and a few others. It was fun playing with you guys.”

“It was even though you took all of my money,” Bob snaps. 

You laugh. “Yeah, yeah. See you guys later.”

“Bye,” says Mark.

“See y--” Wade begins but you cut him off when you disconnect from the call. 

“Oops.” You put a hand over your mouth and laugh. “Sorry, Wade. Okay.” You straighten up and glance over everything, making sure it’s all working properly. “I have to pee and I think my roommate ordered pizza, so we’ll be back after this short break. Enjoy this live feed of my pet rats.” You giggle and switch the stream over to a view of your two rats in their cage where you have a camera set up. You take your headset off and head out of your recording room. 

Every two months, you have a twenty-four-hour livestream where you play games with your friends from all around the world. Despite being only twenty-five, your Youtube channel had grown exponentially in the past three years and you’ve had the chance to meet lots of other Youtubers like Markiplier, PewDiePie, and your close friend, LDShadowLady. 

Currently, you’re on hour twenty of twenty-four and you’re beginning to feel the effects of not sleeping for a whole day. You had been drinking coffee and energy drinks for the past four hours and that seemed to perk you up for two hours max. But your roommate had ordered pizza and that would hopefully wake you up. 

After going to the bathroom and grabbing an entire box of pizza, you return to your recording room and sit down. You put your headset back on and eat a slice of pizza before switching the views back to you. “And we’re back. I hope you guys enjoyed my rats because I don’t. They keep me up at night.”

You read a comment while loading up Among Us and laugh. “No, they’re not dead. They’re sleeping. They do that a lot when they’re not fighting.” 

When you finally get into the game and entire the code, you spawn in. You also quickly join the Discord chat and wince when nearly ten voices hit you at once. 

“y/n!” exclaims Lizzie and the other voices die down for a moment before rising to greet you. 

You wince again but laugh. “Jesus, you guys are loud. Hey, Lizzie.” You move your character to the customize tab and go to try and switch your color. But then you frown and realize that you’re stuck with being dark blue. “Damn, I wanted to be white.”

“Do you want to switch?” Corpse asks. 

Your eyes widen you your stomach flips. You hadn’t noticed Corpse was in this game. Immediately, your chat became flooded with keyboard smashing and lots of “omg my shipp” and “y/n rlly said ‘anna oop-’” 

“Uh, yeah, if you don’t mind,” you manage to stutter out and take a bite of pizza as Corpse’s player comes over and the white option becomes available. You select it and also select the goggles in the hats menu. 

“How’s your stream going?” asks Sean. 

You shrug. “Pretty good. I’m super tired, though. I literally almost fell asleep while playing Monopoly with Mark, Wade, and Bob.”

“You went to college, right?” You’re pretty sure that’s Roomie. 

“Yep,” you affirm with a nod even though they can’t see you. “You’d think that those all-nighters writing papers and studying for finals would make me able to do this.”

There’s a laugh in the group and the round starts.

3 rounds before the incident

You scratch your eyebrow and sigh in relief when you’re the crewmate. You mute yourself and slide up in your chair. 

“I like being the crewmate,” you say, heading towards admin as a habit. “It’s a lot less stressful than being imposter.”

After doing your tasks in admin and fueling the engines, you stumble across a dead body in the lower engine and a vent closing. 

“Oh,” you say, and press the report button. You unmute yourself and begin with, “So I saw a vent close but I didn’t see who went in.”

“Who died?” asks Lizzie. 

“Felix,” says Sean. 

You smirk. “It’s always yellow that dies first.”

“Where was the body?” Ken asks. 

“Lower engine,” you reply. 

“I was in medbay with Corpse doing the scan so it wasn’t him,” PJ says and Corpse makes a noise of confirmation. 

This makes your cheeks heat up and you smack a hand over your mouth. Your chat explodes again but you decide to ignore it. 

“And I was doing wires in cafeteria,” Lizzie says. 

“Sean, where were you?” 

“I was in reactor doing the simon says thing,” he answers. 

You sigh. “I hate that one. What about you, Ken?”

“I was with Roomie in electrical doing the power thing. You know, the one where you have to divert it somewhere else.”

“So do we skip then?” asks Lizzie. 

“No one is super sus, so I’m going to skip,” you answer. 

When no one is ejected, you mute yourself again. “I dunno why, but Sean seems pretty sus. Because I didn’t see him on the way down from upper engine. But I guess he could have gotten there in time.” You shrug and run over to the trash chute in the cafeteria. “RIP to Felix, though.”

After doing the trash there, you head down to storage, running into Corpse doing the wires in there. You wait there to clear him and once you do, you run a few circles around him to get his attention and he follows you over to the trash in storage and watches you do that. After that, the two of you head over to electric together and do wires there. 

Suddenly, there’s a body reported and you unmute yourself. 

“Sean just killed Lizzie in front of me!” exclaims PJ. 

“PJ killed Lizzie,” Sean retorts, flipping the blame. “I watched it, he didn’t realize I was there and murdered her.”

“I watched PJ do the scan in medbay, he’s cleared,” Corpse says and you find yourself smiling for no reason. “Sean, you killed Lizzie.”

“I knew he was sus,” you say, grabbing another piece of pizza. You look at the box and your eyes widen. Had you really already eaten half of it?

“Wait wait, how am I sus?” Sean asks. 

You take a moment to swallow. “Because when I was doing fuel earlier, I was running down from upper engine and didn’t see you in reactor. Sure, maybe you could have gotten there earlier, but it was super weird.” 

The discussion time ends and PJ immediately goes to vote for Sean as well as you, Corpse, and everyone else still alive. Sean ends up getting ejected. 

stinky was an imposter 

1 imposter remains

“You’re such a detective, y/n,” Sean says when he gets ejected. 

You laugh. “I just play this game too much.” You then mute yourself and smile. “I am a genius.” 

You end up finishing your tasks quickly after that and then stand in the cafeteria and eat another piece of pizza and read some of the chat. 

“’ What am I going to do after this?’ I don’t know. I might play some Minecraft. Should I have a poll on Twitter? I’m stuck between public Among Us games, Minecraft, and taking random quizzes on Buzzfeed.” You smile and hear another sound effect and something pops up on the screen. “Thank you to coochie man for donating a hundred dollars, that means a lot.” You laugh at their name. “I love your name, by the way.” 

There’s some rattling in the cage behind you and you turn around to see one of your rats drinking water. You turn back to the chat and read another comment. “’ Do you have a crush on Corpse?’” You blush and smile, biting your lip. “I mean, his voice is hot. I’ve never met him since he lives in San Diego and I live in h/t, but yeah, I guess I do. I’ve been listening to his music for the past few days and it’s really good, you guys should go check it out.”

You look up and unmute yourself when a body is reported. “Who died?” you ask. “I wasn’t paying attention.”

“Are you already done with your tasks, y/n?” Corpse asks. 

God, even the way he says your name is making you blush. “Yeah, I get them done quick.”

“She does that,” says Lizzie, “She always gets her tasks done quick.”

“Ken is dead by the way,” says Roomie and your snort, smacking a hand over your mouth. “I found him in the hallway by navigation. Where was everyone else?”

“I was in cafeteria doing nothing,” you say, leaning back in your chair and spinning around just a little. “I think I saw PJ downloading while I was in there, but I wasn’t paying attention.”

“Yeah, I was downloading,” says Ken. 

After more discussion, Corpse points out that Jaiden had been following him and it looked like she had been faking tasks. 

“No I haven’t,” she says. 

“That sounds like something the imposter would say,” you hum with a smirk. “That’s pretty sus, Jaiden.”

Everyone else agrees and you all end up voting Jaiden out. 

jaiden was the imposter

0 imposters remain

You cheer as the round ends and a blue victory screen pops up for the crewmates. “Good game, guys,” you say and play again, waiting for the host. 

~

1 round before the incident 

“Oh my god, I’m imposter again?” you groan and sigh when you spawn back in. “I was just imposter, I don’t want to be it again. I’m so bad at it,”

After another short round of you and Felix losing to the crewmates, you all agreed to play two more rounds before Sean had to leave. So you move your character to admin where PJ is and fake the card swipe before moving over to the admin security thing where you could see who was around where. Luckily, no one appeared to be near admin, so you quickly kill PJ and escape through the vent and come out through medbay. 

“Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god,” you whisper over and over, running down to storage. “That was clean.” You fake getting fuel and go back up to the upper engine. 

When PJ’s body is reported, you see that your fellow imposter, Sean, had reported it. You stay silent for most of the round and only say that you were in the fuel area when it was reported. 

“Yeah, I saw her run past electrical earlier,” Corpse says. You blush and glance at your exploding chat and shake your head. 

After everyone skips the round, you mute yourself once more and head towards navigation. “I hate this.” You drag the last syllable and watch Lizzie enter the room. You wait a moment before walking towards her and killing her, jumping into one of the vents. You let out a sigh and flex your fingers. “I’m so stressed.” You exit out of the vent into shields and your heart stops when you see someone else in there but you realize that it’s the other imposter, Sean, and you relax. 

You run past him and go to the trash compartments and pretend to unload those. And that’s how the rest of the round goes. You kill someone, someone reports it and you vote someone off. Eventually, you and Sean do a double kill and end up winning the round.

You unmute yourself. 

“Let’s go!” Sean exclaims and you smile. 

“I can’t believe you killed me, y/n!” shouts Lizzie. “I thought we were friends.”

You laugh. “There are no friends in this game. I’m not loyal to anyone in this game. You could be my best friend and I would fucking murder you.”

“That’s cold,” says Roomie as everyone else spawns back in. 

“Yeah,” you nod. 

“Wait, PJ disconnected,” says Sean, and you all end up waiting for him to rejoin. 

In that time, you look at your chat and say, “Hey, do you guys have any questions for who I’m playing with. I’m asking you, chat.”

“I swear if someone asks about my hands, I’m leaving,” Corpse says and everyone laughs. 

You laugh louder when you read a comment and read it aloud, “_Ironlady _says that you should be a hand model, Corpse.”

“Okay, I’m leaving,” you hear Corpse say over everyone laughing. 

“No, stay!” you exclaim, trying not to laugh. “C’mon, don’t leave.”

He sighs deeply and your brain goes fuzzy. “Fine. I’ll stay for you.”

You beam and your tummy turns. You ignore the whistles and remarks from everyone else and stand beside Corpse. You suddenly wish that the little bean characters could hold hands. 

When PJ joins the server again, Ken starts the round and you cross your fingers, hoping to get crewmate. 

0 rounds before the incident

You mute yourself and sigh when you’re a crewmate. “Thank god.” You let out a breath and go over to admin with everyone else. You swipe your card and go to the cafeteria to do some wires there. 

The game turns out to be rather uneventful. A few people die and two people are voted off before the game gets truly interesting. And that happens when you walk in on Corpse and Felix. 

“I’ve had this song stuck in my head for days,” you’re saying, walking from electrical over to O2. “And I can’t get it out of my head. Maybe singing it will help.” You hum the first part. “Don't go in there, you'll become one. Freaky creatures, monster party. Eyes of yellow, scales and feathers, tails in tethers. Turn the lights off. Bend the nightmare, you control it. Artful dodger, easy does it. Shut the closet, get under the covers. Snakes and lovers. Turn the lights off.” You do a little dance for a moment and continue hum the song, glancing at the chat as you go towards O2 after doing wires in storage. 

“Like, I know the song, it’s just been stuck in my head,” you explain. “And it kind of annoys me--”

But you stop as you enter O2 and watch Corpse murder Felix. Neither one of you move and you don’t know what to do. “Uhhh.” 

Then, without thinking, you turn straight around and make your way away from the scene of the murder. “I didn’t see anything!” you shout to no one. “I suddenly can’t see who murdered Felix.” You smack a hand over your mouth and stand in the middle of a hallway. “Oh my god, what do I do? I don’t want to snitch on Corpse, he’s hot.” You scratch the back of your neck and shrug, continuing on to reactor. “I didn’t see anything.”

You’re in the middle of doing the simon says in reactor when Felix’s body is reported. You unmute yourself and fidget with the sleeve of your hoodie. You know exactly who killed Felix. 

“--was in O2,” says Jaiden and you focus back into the conversation. “And I didn’t see anyone around.”

“I saw you heading that way, y/n, but I know it wasn’t you because I saw you do the trash in storage.”

You look at the screen when Sean talks to you and you chew your lip. “I know who killed Felix.”

“Who?” asks almost everyone at the same time. 

You close your eyes and swallow. It’s just a game, why are you taking this so seriously? Suddenly, a song lyric pops into your head and your stomach flips. You imagine yourself saying it and no one knows who you mean except for him. 

You open your eyes. “I’d never snitch on daddy.”

There’s a laugh in the chat and you blush fiercely, your livestream chat blowing up once again.

“I think we know who it is, then,” says Sean, laughing. 

“Yeah,” agrees Lizzie and your eyes widen. 

“Wait, what?” you ask, watching everyone vote almost as soon as the discussion time ends. “Wait, hang on, who--”

“We know who you’re talking about, y/n,” PJ tells you. 

You vote for yourself and your brain goes blank as you see that everyone voted for Corpse. He even voted for himself. They knew. They all _knew _about your feelings for Corpse. 

The round ends with Corpse being voted out and the crewmates win. There’s some talking, but you stay on the victory screen. You’re trying to decide if your mad or embarrassed or both. 

“I didn’t know you’d say that, y/n,” Corpse says, effectively breaking you out of your trance. “I thought you were gonna snitch on me.”

“You heard her,” teases Lizzie and you can tell she’s grinning. “She’d never snitch on you, Corpse.”

He laughs and you feel something in a certain place. “Oh my god, I’m gonna die of embarrassment.” You put your face in your hands, listening to your friends tease you in the chat. You suddenly want to jump out your window and run into traffic. 

“Don’t die,” comes Corpse’s voice through the onslaught of teasing. “I’ll be sad.”

“Fuck!” you shout and slam your hand on your desk, shaking your equipment and scaring your rats. “I’m so sorry, Corpse, that was really weird, I--”

“Stop.” He interrupts you and the chat goes silent and you look up at the screen even though you can’t see him. “It’s okay. It was funny.”

Your eyes widen and then narrow. Funny? He thought what you said was funny? How could he think it was funny?

But then he speaks again and he sounds oddly flustered. “Uh, I gotta go. Um, it was fun playing with you guys. Bye, y/n.”

“Bye Cor--” but then he disconnects and you’re left talking to no one. “--pse.”

There’s a long moment of silence until Felix breaks it. “I can’t believe you just watched me die and didn’t do anything about it.”

There are some laughs and you smile faintly, rejoining the game. “Yeah, uh, sorry about that.”

“Are you okay, y/n?” asks Lizzie. 

You blush and swallow. “I don’t know. God, I’m so weird.” You run a hand through your hair and adjust your headphones

“No, you’re not,” Roomie assures you. “He has a crush on you, too.”

Your eyes widen and you scoot up in your chair. “He does?”

“I mean, he called you pretty once during a game and said that he watches your videos a lot, so maybe.”

You groan and sink in your chair. “I’m gonna go, I need to run into traffic now.”

A few people laugh or chuckle and Lizzie asks you if you’re actually going to leave. 

“Yeah,” you tell her. “But not to run into traffic. I’m going to go play Minecraft to soothe myself.”

“Aw.” You can practically hear her frown. “Okay. Bye, y/n.”

“Good luck with your stream,” Ken tells you. 

You grin. “Okay, thanks, bye.”

When you exit the game and leave the chat, you scream. You actually scream and it’s loud. Your roommate even knocks on your door, asking if you’re okay. 

You look at them and nod. “Yeah, totally fine. Probably about to have a mental breakdown, but I’m fine.”

“Okay,” they say and lean on the doorframe. “But I’m not cutting bangs for you again.”

You laugh and nod. “Yeah, okay, fine.” They leave and you turn back to your stream, feeling like you’re about to cry. Corpse knows you have a crush on him. And it seems like he has one on you as well, but now you’re embarrassed because you called him ‘daddy’ on stream.

You rub your eyes. “Well, now I know what’ll be streaming on Twitter tonight,” you tell the chat. 

[sirtommyholland]

Four Years of Birthdays

A/N: Hey everyone! This isn’t my first time writing for Harry but my first time actually posting it so I’m very excited! This is inspired by the little piece I wrote on Tom Holland’s birthday, I wanted to make a similar concept. Hope you guys like it, and happy birthday to our beloved baby boy Harry Styles! We love you so much!💜

Word Count: 2.4k (she tiny because I suck)

Summary: Harry’s four different birthdays with Y/N in differents points of his life. 

Fluff all the way! with like a little talk about sexual themes because I had to.

poc friendly and plus size friendly (I think, please tell me if I made a mistake!) because we dont blush bright red or swim in men’s clothes in this house💫

2019 - 25th Birthday

Spending his birthday with Y/N was one of Harry’s favourite things. Over the last ten years of his life, she had missed quite a few of them as he was on the road and she was back home in London, going to uni and living a normal life. It was only the last couple of years that he was able to be home on his birthday, his solo career allowing him a bit more freedom to arrange his schedule as he wanted. 

This year, he had wanted to have a quiet birthday, just with his family and close friends. And of course, his girlfriend, who was currently climbing on his back on the bed, trying to coax him out of sleep. 

“Loviee” she whined into the back of his neck between kisses. “Wake up.”

“No.” his voice was deeper than usual as he groaned, trying to bury himself more into the pillows to avoid the bright sunlight in the room. “‘M sleepy.”

“But it’s your birthday.” she protested with a kiss to a small part of his cheek that wasn’t hidden away. “I need to give you your 25 kisses.”

“Just 25?” he frowned, raising his head from the pillow to look back at her. “That’s nowhere near enough! You kiss me more on a regular day.”

“Hmm..” she pretended to ponder his words, one of her hands going up to brush away the soft curls that fell on his forehead. “Then how about I give you a blowie for 25 minutes?”

Even if she couldn’t see his face, she would still be able to hear the grin in his voice. “Now that’s more like it.” He was turning over and laying on his back in a heartbeat, tugging at her thighs to make her straddle him again. 

She complied, throwing one leg over his hips and gently sitting on thighs, not putting her full weight. She leaned down to softly brush her lips against his, once, twice, three times. “Happy birthday, baby.”  she sighed against them, rubbing her nose against his lovingly. 

“Thank you, angel.” he smiled, letting his hands roam over the soft material of her shirt. “I reckon it’s gonna be the best one so far.” 

“Really? Is there a reason why?” she grinned, feeling like she already knew the answer.

“Because this is the first one I’m waking up with you as my girlfriend. Finally,” he sighed. “I can kiss you for real instead of making a wish for it when I blow out the candles.”

“You’re so cheesy.” she teased with a smile, leaning down to give him another kiss. “I still can't believe you wished for it.”

“Literally every year.” he confirmed, only blushing slightly under her loving gaze. “Honestly don’t know what I’m gonna wish for this time. It’s been the same thing for many years.” 

“I’m sure you’ll come up with something.” She placed a final peck to his lips, then swiftly got up from his lap. “Now get up, your mum’s expecting us for breakfast.”

“But- but- my blowie!” 

She looked back to see an adorable pout on his lips, one that she almost couldn’t resist. Almost.

“Later.” she promised, pulling him to his feet and laying a few kisses on his neck. “I’m gonna take care of you properly tonight, after your party. Along with your final present.”

“You’re a tease.” he breathed, the meaning behind her words not so hidden. She grinned, and trailed her hand softly down his back until she was grabbing his bum, giving it a firm squeeze. 

“Heyy!” he jumped, trying to grab her before she made a run for the bathroom, and failing.

“Pick your outfit, it takes ages!” she yelled through the closed door, making him huff and fall back on the bed dramatically. 

“Harry Edward Styles!” Well, guess she knew him too well.

“Yes, ma’am!”

2009 - 15th birthday

“Hello.”

Harry raised his head from the plastic cup he was refilling, to see a familiar girl looking at him with a friendly smile. 

“Hi.” he smiled back as he straightened up, silently giving her the cue to go on. 

“Sorry to bother you. I just wanted to say that I really liked your performance. You guys were incredible!” 

“Oh, thank you! Of course you’re not bothering me. I’m glad to know you liked it.” He grinned. “We’re at the same school, right? I’ve seen you around before.”

“Yeah, but we’ve never actually talked, I think. I’m Y/N, by the way. Will invited me because I live next door.” she explained, nodding towards his bandmate that was currently hosting his birthday party/small concert in his garage. 

“You don’t need to explain yourself! Next time, I’ll just have to make sure that I invite you myself.”

She grinned at his words. “That’s very nice of you, Harry. Oh, and happy birthday, by the way! I almost forgot.” Right, she was at his birthday party. She already knew his name. 

“Thank you! And thanks for coming.” 

Before she could open her mouth to say anything else, the lights were dimmed and the back entrance of the garage was illuminated with a soft, orange light as his friends brought in the cake. Off-key voices singing him happy birthday filled the space, and he made his way to his friends with a huge smile on his face, Y/N joining the small crowd around him as they waited for him to blow out the candles.

“Don’t forget to make a wish!” one of his mates yelled just as he was leaning towards the cake. 

“Sorry.” he chuckled, then closed his eyes to make his wish. I want to make music. For all my life.

Little did he know, that would be his only wish in the next ten years that didn’t involve the girl that he had just met. 

2016 - 22th birthday

“I don’t know about you, but I’m feeling twenty-two! Everything will be alright if you keep me next to you!”

“What the fuck.” he muttered into his pillow, trying to figure out if he was dreaming or if his phone was actually ringing with a Taylor Swift song. But even when he was wide awake after a few minutes he could still hear her melodic voice, so he reached out with a groan and checked the caller ID. Of course.

“How did you manage to change my ringtone all the way from London?” he answered in a groggy voice. 

“Well, good morning to you too, hun, took you long enough! I’m very good, thanks for asking! And I got Niall to do it yesterday, obviously.” 

“... Morning Y/N.” 

“Oh, stop grumbling, it doesn’t suit you. Get up and get ready, I’m gonna facetime you in thirty minutes.” And before he could say anything, she hung up on him. 

He looked at this phone in disbelief. Did she just hang up on me on my birthday?! He rolled his eyes, but he couldn’t help the soft smile that appeared on his face. To be honest, there were a lot of things he couldn’t help when it came to her. 

Half an hour later, when he was freshly showered and dressed, his phone rang with an incoming facetime call just like she said. She probably set an alarm for exactly thirty minutes, he thought fondly.

Her smiling face greeted him as he accepted the call. “Happy birthday, Haz!!”

“Thanks, love.” he chuckled, eyeing the tiny cupcake in front of her through the small screen. “Whatcha got there?”

“That’s your birthday cupcake, made it myself! Was tired of shitty store-bought cake.” 

“I don’t know, it looks kind of ugly.” he joked, grinning at her mock-offended face. “I could do better. I worked in a bakery, ya know.”

“You literally just ran the register and washed the dishes.”

“Still, in a bakery!” 

She was shaking her head at his shit-eating grin, but he could still see a soft smile playing at her lips. It caused his heart to flutter in his chest. What he wouldn’t give to see her smiling at him like that everyday. 

“Anyway, candle time!” she piped, grabbing a lighter from somewhere behind the camera and lighting up the single candle on her tiny cupcake.  

Harry watched her raise the cupcake closer to the camera and she instructed him to make a wish. This routine was familiar to them now. Every year, she would video call with a different type of cake, to make up for not being able to be there with him.

Harry closed his eyes, and made the same wish that he had been making for the last six years of his life. I wish you were mine. 

He opened his eyes and blew lightly towards the screen, her actions matching his as she blew out the candle in his place. She gave a little cheer afterwards, and the brightness of her eyes warmed him up all the way down to his toes, even through a phone screen. 

They talked for a while after that, catching up on each other’s lives and discussing the dates they would be able to meet up again. She hung up with a final ‘happy birthday, love you!’ and then he was left staring at his phone, a small smile still remaining on his face. I wish you were mine. 

And later, when he logged onto his twitter account and tweeted some certain song lyrics, he only cared about one person’s reaction out of millions. 

2018 - 24th birthday

“Hey. I’ve been looking for you.” 

Harry turned towards the kitchen door that led to the back garden, seeing her slide it close to make her way towards him.

“Just taking a breather, love.” he said, accepting his woolly coat that she handed him. “Thank you.”

“Didn’t want you to catch a cold.” She sat next to him on the wooden porch bench, wrapped up in her own fuzzy coat. There was another item in her hand, a thick, heavy looking box. 

“What’s that?” he asked, pointing at it. 

“Oh, I came here to give it to you. Your final gift.” 

“Y/N.” he sighed. “The others were more than enough.” 

“I don’t think this even counts as my gift, honestly.” She grinned at the puzzled look on his face. “Just open it.” 

He did. Inside was a thick notebook, a scrapbook by the looks of it, that read ‘Happy Birthday Harry! - 2018’ 

He looked at her curiously, but she just smiled and told him to open it again. He turned to the first page, and ran his gaze across the page. His eyes widened in surprise. He quickly flipped a few pages to see that all of them had the same thing; printings. Printed screenshots from various social media platforms, of his fans wishing him a happy birthday. 

“I know you don’t use social media a lot these days.” she explained as he kept reading the tweets glued onto the scrapbook. “But you were trending on Twitter today, and yesterday too, lots of people wishing you a happy birthday and telling how much they loved you. I thought you might want to see it.”

He let out a watery laugh, not being able to tear his gaze away from the book in his hands. He couldn’t help the tears, not really. She had taken the time to print out lots and lots of tweets, instagram posts, everything; she had cut them and put them in this book and added little stickers in between with colorful doodles. And she had done it to carry his fans’ messages to him, she had basically hand-delivered their gifts of love to him.

“Thank you.” he breathed, his voice catching in his throat. “This is… I think this may be the best gift I’ve ever received.”

“Well, like I said, it’s not technically from me. I just put some tweets together, your fans are the ones who wrote them.” She paused, then added. “I just wanted you to see just how loved you are. By everyone. You have such a kind heart, and an amazing soul; all of these people are aware of it and they love you for it.” She tapped the book in his lap, emphasising her words. 

“Thank you.” he repeated himself, seemingly at a loss for words. He closed the book and carefully put it back in its box, intending to read everything in it later. He placed it beside him, then turned to her and pulled her in a hug. 

Her arms were around him in a second, not hesitating to tighten around him and pull him closer. She was so warm even in the cold weather, and she smelled so nice, and he wouldn’t be able to pull back if he tried. He didn’t know how long they sat there in each other's embrace, but when he felt her starting to lean back, something in him shifted. He turned his head towards her as she pulled away, so his cheek was softly grazing hers. She stilled a bit, looking into his eyes as if she was looking for something, then she closed her eyes and turned the rest of the way, her lips meeting his in a gentle kiss. 

His breath hitched in his throat as his lips slightly parted, a small gasp making its way out of them when he realized finally, finally he was kissing her. He was kissing Y/N. This was really happening.

He brought a hand up to gently cup her cheek, his thumb stroking her cheekbone as they kissed, probably the softest, the most incredible kiss of his life. He couldn’t believe this was happening. He couldn’t believe how amazing she felt against him, how her hands in his hair felt just right, how warm her cheek was under his hand. 

But despite every bone in his body wanting to kiss her forever, he was the first one to pull away, because he just couldn’t keep it in anymore. “I wish you were mine.” 

“What?” she asked breathlessly, apparently still under the effect of their kiss.

“I wish you were mine.” he repeated. “That’s the wish I’ve made on every single birthday since I was sixteen. Everytime you looked at me and told me to make a wish, I was only able to think about how much I wanted to kiss you.” 

She stared at him with parted lips, looking into his eyes like she was trying to figure out if he was messing with him. She could only see love and admiration. 

“You’re an idiot, Harry Styles.” she breathed. Then, she cupped his face with her hands and kissed him again, and again, and again, and he felt like everything in his life was finally going to be okay. 

 some end notes: Sooo I’m sorry for the kind of shitty ending. It’s literally 3 am in Turkey rn and I have an early class but I just wanted to finish this quickly and post it before I went to bed. I haven’t written anything in months because I wasn’t 🌌feeling it🌌 so I basically bullied myself into writing this haha. This is my first posted Harry piece but there are a few other pieces I’ve been working on! (for months, literally. *sigh*)

~~

If you liked it, please feel free to reblog and leave a teeny tiny feedback! Writers really appreciate it!💜

[anyotherwriter]

Skipping Town [10]

Previous Chapter / Masterlist

*** Daryl Dixon AU ***

I get super frustrated copy and pasting from google docs to here because nothing I italicize STAYS THAT WAY and it makes me mad. But it still reads the same, so here she is. Credit for the gif to whomever made it. Continue reading at your own risk. I only post my writing here. Feedback is always welcome!

Okay, love you, bye.

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Daryl came back the next day, when the property was again vacant. It smelled like char and fresh rain. The singing from the birds had been pushed back deeper into the woods where they'd retreated from the blaze. Other than that, it was silent except for the sound of his boots scuffing along the gravel drive. He stood off to the side of the driveway yesterday until the flames were gone and the first responders left. He had planned to leave, to let it burn like he had hoped for many, many, many times in the past, but something had him glued in place. As he watched the house morph into a pile of melted plastic and snowy wood, his chest felt lighter with every collapse. You had stayed with him, sitting in his backseat with the door open, letting Dog rest his head on your lap. You had only attempted to speak to Daryl a few times but his responses were short, clipped, and distracted. You couldn't tell what was going on in his head; he stood stoically and still as a statue. All you could do at the time was offer support in ways of not leaving him by himself. You didn't plan to leave with Rick and Shane still there, anyway.

Daryl was glad he was alone today. Yesterday felt like too much- too many voices, too many questions, too many accusations. Only now did he feel like he could hear himself and all he heard was himself let out a deep sigh.

The sound of a diesel truck coming up the driveway broke the peace and Daryl stepped out of the way.

"Good morning, Daryl." The voice called to him, as the man stepped out and shut the door. Daryl didn't say anything back, just nodded in his direction.

"I'm Brian," the man offered his hand to shake once he got close enough. "Fire Marshall." Daryl clasped his hand with Brian's, finally able to put a name to the face he thought he already knew. He remembered Brian, except for his name, from before. When Daryl was in high school, Brian was just a volunteer at the firehouse. Daryl remembered seeing him around town often, keeping face with the townies and attending events and giving drug prevention presentations in school. Merle credited him with his desire to start doing drugs.

"No bullshit," Brian started, motioning towards the remains of the house. "You start this?"

Daryl wanted to laugh. In the past twenty four hours, more people accused him of arson than he could count on both hands, and he was sure there were more he didn't know about. Instead, he pulled a cigarette out of his pocket and clicked the lighter one, two, three times and it still wouldn't light. Daryl grew frustrated quickly, his thumb slipping quickly and still failing.

"I can' even ligh' a Goddamn cigarette." Daryl grumbled with the cigarette hanging loosely in his mouth, the lighter finally flickered to life on the eighth, or so, try. Brian chuckled.

"Look," Brian said, his voice matter-of-fact. "I can tell you without a doubt, this fire was set intentionally." He motioned his hands toward the right side of the house, the side closest to the garage, and Daryl's eyes shifted in that direction.

"Y'sure?" Daryl asked, flicking away ash from his cigarette. He already felt it was intentional yesterday, one person in particular tipping it off for him.

"We found traces of gasoline and lighter fluid over there. No cans or matches or lighters were found, but I've seen it before. Can you think of anyone that could've done it?" Brian asked easily, like he'd asked this question hundreds of times.

And Daryl could think of someone. He also knew that in a small community like this, ratting on someone that was held so highly wouldn't favor him in any way. Daryl would be a rat and was already despised in town. He felt that if he dropped a name or two in Brian's lap that he would scoff at him and leave. It was the M.O. of this whole town, why would the Fire Marshall be any different when the Sheriff's had it out for him already.

Brian noted Daryl's silence, and began walking towards the garage. The room caved in completely, the walls buckling outward. The car that Daryl came to work on yesterday morning still sat inside, only the rear bumper visible and charred black.

"Car mean anything to you?" Brian asked, pulling out his phone from his pocket. Daryl shrugged.

"No' really." Daryl dropped his cigarette butt and ground it into the gravel with his boot. He stood there and watched as Brian began to take pictures of the garage. "What're ya doin'?"

"I took pictures yesterday to start the investigation, but it got too dark." Brian said. "I need a few more for the file."

Daryl watched as he took pictures at different angles and the way he got up close to the car. Daryl wasn't concerned for the car as much as he was for the phone call he'd have to make about it. His phone weighed heavy in his pocket, not sure how he was going to call that number and tell the unknown man on the other side that he couldn't finish the job. Daryl hoped they'd let him off, let him leave and go back to his quiet apartment with his flannel sheets and favorite recliner. But he knew that this kind of business did not simply let people go. He worried that he would be asked to do something else to make up for what had been lost, something worse.

"I don't care who you are, Daryl. I don't have any qualms with you." Brian said as he walked back towards him. "If you have any names, I can look into them for you. It's my job."

And Daryl hesitated for a minute, scratching at the stubble on his chin.

"Spencer." He grumbled out. "Don' know his las' name, down at the shop in town."

Brian simply shook his head as he took a notepad out of his coat pocket and began taking notes.

"Why him?" Brian asked, eyes still locked on his moving pen.

"He, uh…I had a run in with him two nights ago." Daryl offered, remembering the way Spencer yelled at you to not leave with him. His eyes were wide and accusatory and Daryl figured giving him the finger didn't help any.

"Run in?" Brian asked, now looking at Daryl.

"Mhm. Went to the store an' waited for Y/N to get off work. She asked me to, said Spencer was drivin' by all nigh'." Daryl sighed, wanting another cigarette. "He showed up as she was leavin'. Was pissed she wasn't gettin' in his car, got even more when he saw me."

Brian let out a 'huh' as he wrote a few more notes. Daryl almost felt embarrassed talking about you, because it all felt so high school. Except the part where he accused your ex-boyfriend of burning down a house- that was new. His cheeks only turned red at the thought of you and the way you climbed into his truck then to find safety in him. He was elated and his chest fluttered with excitement then, the way it usually did when you were around.

Brian slipped his notebook back into his pocket, and clicked the pen a few times before speaking.

"None of it is salvageable." He said. "It'd be best to demolish the rest and rebuild."

Daryl shook his head, imagining large tractors plowing into the frame of the house, the sounds of crushed sheet rock and plywood crumbling beneath the treads. Technically Merle owned the land and Daryl had no intention of putting down his own money to help this small patch of hell.

"If you think of anything else, just give me a call." Brian said as he passed Daryl a business card. Daryl slipped it into his back pocket and headed back to his truck, needing to make that phone call sooner rather than later.

**

You were working at the store again and it was as slow as it normally was this time of night. The non-stop Christmas music was attempting to distract you from your book, competing with the sound of a meat case humming a little too loud. The sun had set long ago and the place felt completely vacant except for you.

And then around eight, the door opened and the tiny bell jingled along with the new footsteps. You looked up, ready to greet them, only to see Shane walking in. The friendly greeting you had prepared quickly turned to a deep scowl as you watched him leisurely waltz around, grabbing small bags of chips and a couple sodas. You assumed he just started his night shift, knowing he and Rick both hit the store to stock up on snacks and sugar to keep them awake on patrol.

You pretended to still read your book when Shane approached the register. He cleared his throat and you roughly tossed your book on the shelf by your feet.

"First day?" He asked sarcastically as you started scanning his items, making sure to scan his chips first, so that you could drop his sodas right on top.

"Fuck off, Shane." You grumbled as you totaled out the register and waited for him to pay.

"You know," he said with a smile on his face, "I'm real sorry about your boyfriend's place."

"No you're not." You scoffed, turning your back on him. He laughed easily, much to your frustration.

"You're right, I'm not." He said with a shrug, even if you didn't see it. Shane was feeling bold tonight, stupidly so. It was all the years of taunting you and baiting you into arguments that had him slipping. "That place was ready to go up any day now, you saw it."

You turned to him now as he stood at the door, ready to disappear into the darkness and do absolutely nothing to protect the town.

"But I'm sure you had no trouble helping it along, did you?" You asked with such sureness in your voice, like at that moment you knew he was involved. And the small crack in his smug smile told you all you needed to know.

Shane offered you a parting wave as he pushed through the door and sauntered across the parking lot. With each step, he grew more anxious. He knew you'd suspect him. Any time something even remotely bad happened, you blamed it on him. It was childish and the thing that started so many arguments between the two of you. But this time, Shane was worried you wouldn't let this one go. The fire wasn't something avoidable, it wasn't something that could've gone ignored. It called on all three fire trucks the town had and the wave of first responders that flooded down main street to get to the blaze. People talked, gossiped, and speculated. Luckily for Shane, the speculation never touched him. That is until you had the audacity to figure out his involvement. He was too crass and too cocky; you'd always been able to call him on his bullshit.

Once in his car with the doors locked and windows up, he pulled out his phone. After a few rings, Spencer's voice came over the line.

"Hey, man. What's up?" Shane asked casually, as if he hadn't burned a house to the ground the day before.

"Gotta lay low." Shane said, ruffling around in the plastic bag for a soda. "Your girl just accused me of doing your dirty work."

Shane heard Spencer chuckle on the line, but he couldn't figure out what Spencer thought was funny. They agreed to do this together, to drive the Dixon's out of town for good. At first, Shane wanted Merle gone; he knew about Merle's drug dealing and weapon smuggling. Shane knew there was good money in it and as a poster child for the Sheriff's Department, he wouldn't get caught. He figured the problem was done once Merle was arrested, but then Daryl rolled into town and kept up the operation.

Shane was never able to figure out who Merle's contact was, even if he asked Merle flat out. The idea was for the Dixon's to disappear, to become untrustworthy and useless, and then the business could slide over to Shane, who already had Spencer on retainer as partner.

Setting the blaze seemed like a good idea. Daryl would be forced to leave town. He couldn't keep modding cars which made Shane happy, and he couldn't keep seeing you which made Spencer happy.

The only thing they had to do now was get away with it.

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Next Chapter

[reyesstrand]

Hello Maddie! ao3 wrapped: 20, 27, 28, 29 and 30 :)

thank you so much lola!!! <3

20: which work of yours have you reread the most?

i tend to do one quick read through of my fics after they’ve been posted for a couple of hours to check for any errors—which is always when i find any grammatical issues ajdnskd—but after that i usually ignore my own fics. i think i’ve gone back to not a victory march the most, though, because there were some parts in there i was quite proud of and since it was a spec fic, i wanted to check back to see how i did after 3x08 aired aidnskdns

27: what do you listen to while writing?

it depends, but either movie scores (anything nicholas britell) or my tarlos playlist.

28: favourite work you wrote this year?

i’m just now realizing i only wrote and published four fics this year (though hopefully i’ll get something else up before the end of the year) and of those i think i’d go with (not afraid of) living on a fault line….i just was deep in the after-effects of the proposal, and it was one of the first times this year i just sat down and wrote and let it all kind of spill onto the page without much issue.

29: favourite line/passage you wrote this year?

from not a victory march:

She's always there for him, is the thing. Even when TK doesn't deserve her; when he was high and angry at the world and slurring together words he never meant but hurled at her anyways, she would stay and make sure he came down without choking on his own vomit and told him that she loved him. 

("Still?" TK had asked once, twenty years old and barely two days out of the hospital after the overdose that'd had his mom pouring over the websites of in- and out-of-state rehab centres for hours. He was sitting there with sweat dotting along his hairline as he tried to stomach a bowl of soup, legs swinging from the high stool at her kitchen island. "I don't know how you can keep forgiving me."

He'd stared down at the spoon submerged in broth, and his stomach turned. When she looked up, he glanced away, and trained his gaze on the photo of her and Enzo in front of the Eiffel Tower that'd been stuck to the fridge for a year and a half. When he looked back at his mom, he found her frowning, her eyebrows drawn together. It took half a second until she'd abandoned her laptop and wrapped her arms around him from behind, forcing his shoulders into a gentle sway that matched the rhythm of the song playing from her running playlist. 

"Yes, still," Gwyn replied, turning him around so he could face her. She looked at him like he'd grown two heads for even asking before her expression softened. "I'll always love you and forgive you. There's nothing in the world that could change that, honey.")

and how about a happier one from (not afraid of) living on a fault line akdnskd:

TK opens his eyes. A sliver a moonlight cuts delicately across Carlos' face and along the top of his shoulder, and it feels...holy, maybe, kind of like they're being reborn. He surges up to kiss him, feeling it finally sinking in that he really gets to have this—that they get to have this.

"Baby," TK murmurs, because nothing else feels right, as Carlos slots himself between TK's legs, scraping his teeth gently against that one spot on his neck before soothing it over with a kiss. TK bends his leg and presses his bare knee against Carlos' hip, keeping him in place. He almost gets lost in it, like he always does, it's just—he can't quite get a handle on the burning behind his eyes. 

"Hey," Carlos says, fingers stalling from where they're working their way under TK's shirt when the kiss suddenly turns salty, pushing himself up on his elbow. He stares imploringly down at TK, softly dragging his thumb under TK's eye. That's all it takes for TK to sniff and turn his head, sparing a moment to press a kiss to the inside of Carlos' wrist as a tear drips down the side of his face. "Baby, hey. You're going to get me going again, too." 

TK huffs a wet laugh and brings a hand up to cover his face the moment Carlos' eyes—his big, beautiful eyes—start shining with unshed tears. "Sorry, sorry, I—" 

"I get it, it's okay," Carlos says, carefully moving TK's hand out of the way so he can kiss his forehead. “It’s okay.” 

30: biggest surprise while writing this year?

how hard it is to write when you’re finishing school akdnskd. i think since my degree involved a pretty large paper, so much of my writing energy was zapped up once that was submitted. so while i’m getting back into things now (partially since i’m rewatching the show and falling back in love with the characters) it took a while for me to even want to look at a word document. i’ll say another surprise that gets me year after year is just…..the genuine support in comments/messages and the kind of friendship that can emerge from writing for a silly little firefighter show!!!

[highqueenofelfhame]

An: I’ll add tags later, i just wanted to get this posted because I’m like pretty happy with it, it’s alright. So i hope you guys enjoy! I’ll also attach links and stuff later, I’m posting this from my iPad and i just am too lazy for the tagging process. Me wants to sleep. This is part of the Disney au! Shoutout to @tangledraysofsunshine and @punkassbookjockey26 for the help on this one! This is mostly fluff (i know, how wild) but don’t worry i’m working on some angst for you soon. Fafs update soon too! I’ve already started on it and I’m going to keep working on it as the week goes. Thankfully it’s an easy chapter for me to write bc i have plenty of OG stuff to pull from. Okay, anyway! Enjoy!!

With every second that ticked by, it was getting harder and harder not to rummage through his belongings like she lived there. Even worse was that Rowan was sneaking glances at her with a smirk on his lips like he knew she wanted to. It made her scowl, a frown line appearing between her eyebrows as she glared into his back.

“I’m making you dinner, and you’re still finding a reason to be unhappy with me?” He asked her, putting down the spatula and turning to lean against his counter. The man looked criminally good in an ivory cable-knit sweater and dark jeans, an outfit combination that Aelin had never seen him in before. Thinking back on it, she was positive that when he wasn’t in a costume at work, she had only ever seen him in jeans and a t-shirt. There was also the single flannel he’d worn on Halloween, but all of that was simply incomparable to how he looked now.

“You said dinner would be ready ages ago.”

“I said it would be ready in half an hour when you got here, which was twenty minutes ago. I still have ten minutes before you get to hound me about lying.”

“Maybe if you’d prepared an appetizer…” she teased, hoping with every cell in her body that he knew she was kidding. When Rowan had said he wanted to cook her dinner, she’d been floored. The only meal that she could successfully make was breakfast, and the options were limited. Additionally, she couldn’t remember the last time a romantic interest had cooked for her at all. Probably Sam several years earlier, and it had been so bad they’d relented and settled on drive-thru burgers instead.

Rowan’s eyes narrowed at her, and she knew she’d missed the mark with her joke. The date had been going well so far; not much could have been ruined. He’d kissed her hello once, or four times, then told her to make herself at home. Rowan even had a beautiful arrangement of kingsflame at the table in the dining area. Their banter had ensued as it always did, casual teasing comments. Until she went too far. Obviously.

He turned his back, and Aelin tensed, moving across the kitchen to get to him. Just before she touched him, he turned back around, eyes widening almost comically when his elbow nearly hit her temple. Without her boots, her footsteps had been near-silent on his hardwood floors.

“I’m sorry,” he chuckled, fingers brushing her temple where his sweater had grazed her face. “Hi.”

“Hi.” With their dinner sizzling in the background, she was sure that he could hardly hear the soft whisper of her voice. That didn’t seem to matter because Rowan leaned down and pressed his lips to hers, short and sweet and leaving her wanting more. “I’m sorry.”

“For what?” Rowan’s brows knit together, green eyes tracing over every feature of her face before settling to meet her gaze.

“Being… me? Teasing? I don’t know. This is a date, and you’re so nice to be making dinner, and I shouldn’t be--”

“Aelin,” he laughed. “You wouldn’t be you if you weren’t busting my balls for something. I don’t think we would be us.” At the mention of them as an item, her bottom lip tucked between her teeth to ward off the embarrassingly large grin that was threatening to take over her face.

“That doesn’t mean I can be rude,” she grumbled, earning another smile from the man in front of her.

“You aren’t.” Rowan turned away from her for a brief moment. When he faced her again he held half of a cookie in his hand. “You just get hangry.”

She stared at the small offering in his hand before accepting it with a smile. Not only was he making her dinner, but it seemed he had also baked her double chocolate chip cookies. It made her heart squeeze in an almost painful way, but she took the cookie and nibbled on the corner. Whatever recipe he had used was perfect. It only made the rumbling in her belly worse, but she was determined to finish it without chocolate smeared all over her mouth.

“I’m almost done with dinner. Go snoop. I know you’re dying to.” Aelin wrinkled her nose, and Rowan was quick to kiss the tip of it, despite her failed attempt to swerve. Not that she wanted him to miss, really. Aelin wanted to beg him to kiss her until she was physically sick and couldn’t stand to feel his mouth on her body ever again.

The apartment was simple. It had one bedroom and an open living and kitchen area. Rowan had a small table that could seat four between the two rooms. It was sparsely decorated but had a few personal touches here and there that provided a glimpse into Rowan’s life. She walked around the living room, noting the pile of books stacked neatly next to the TV contained some of her favorites. She hadn’t pegged Rowan as an avid reader, but she realized that despite working with the man for the past two years, there was still so much she didn’t know about him.

And she realized, more than anything, that she wanted to know everything.

Furthermore, she’d been right about the books stacked on the coffee table. They were travel books, some of them with tabs and post-it notes sticking out of the sides. With a sly glance to the kitchen, she perched on the edge of the couch and pulled the biggest of them with the most annotations toward her, flipping through the pages to see what all he had bookmarked.

One of the first pages was a map marking all the parks and their major attractions. It seemed Rowan had a key for himself, little stars, triangles and squares marking various locations.

“The stars are my favorite places I’ve been,” Rowan said, pulling her gaze from pages of mountains and canyons and over to his green eyes.

“Is this what you do when you aren’t working?” Aelin closed the books and restacked them neatly on the table. Rowan was carrying two plates of stir-fry over to the table. In a few steps she joined him, sliding into the seat beside his.

“When I can, yes.” She was so hungry that she merely nodded, taking a too-large bite of food and meaning at the taste. Rowan’s eyebrow quirked while he took a bite of his own, and to avoid speaking with a mouthful she gave him a thumbs up.

“So good,” she reiterated after she swallowed, clearing her throat.

“I’m glad you like it. I was worried you wouldn’t.”

“It’s food. I like food. And you baked cookies,” Aelin reminded him, popping another bite in her mouth. The tickle she seemed to be developing in her throat worsened, forcing her to clear her throat again after she swallowed. Actually, the tickle was becoming an insatiable itch that she tried to chase away with water. She had no luck. “Is your um— is your throat itchy?”

“No…?” Aelin tugged on the collar of her shirt, nodding her head instead of responding. Rowan leaned over to brush his fingers along her cheek, worry settling in the wrinkle between his eyebrows. “Are you allergic to anything?”

“Gods, my mouth is itchy,” she mumbled, mostly to herself, while she downed the rest of her water so quickly a drop slipped down the side of her chin.

“Aelin. What are you allergic to?”

“I’m not allergic to anything,” she insisted, despite the way her tongue felt undeniably too big for her mouth. Rowan had already left the table, though, disappearing through a door off the living room and coming back with a small white bottle. His phone was also now in his hand and the numbers his thumb was pressing looked a lot like 9-1-1 from her vantage point.

“Take these,” he said softly, holding two pills to her lips that she opened her mouth for and downed with Rowan’s full glass of water.

“That’s dramatic.” She nodded at his phone. “I can breathe fine. My mouth is just itchy. And my tongue is a little too big.” To prove a point, she stuck her tongue out. Rowan’s eyes were saucers and he was ready to hit the call button.

“Your tongue is twice the size it usually is!”

“Did you do this on purpose? Is this getting me back for the syrup?” Aelin was kidding. Half-kidding, maybe, but kidding all the same. When she spoke, drool dribbled down her chin that she wiped at with the collar of her shirt. The whimper that sounded in the back of her throat wasn’t voluntary. It was their first date and she managed to drool on herself in front of him. Aelin Galathynius was the epitome of cool.

“This is not getting you back for the syrup.” Rowan’s voice was sharp, if still soft around the edges while he watched her carefully. His thumb was still dancing over the call button, but Aelin refused to be carted out of his apartment on a stretcher. She took his phone, locked it, and held it hostage in her lap while he fussed and mumbled about how big her tongue was. “What are you allergic to?”

“I didn’t know I was allergic to anything,” she swore again, grabbing his water for another long drink.

It went on like this for several minutes: Rowan listing the ingredients for the stir-fry that she may not have had before, or maybe she’d not had it in such a long time she forgot she had a mild allergy to it. MSG, soy, celery, sesame, carrots, on and on. He ran through everything twice before Aelin asked him to please stop, she had no idea and listing them over and over wasn’t going to spark a memory or knowledge she didn’t have.

The signature frown he wore most of the time was all the more prominent the droopier her eyes got; the effects of Benadryl were hitting her harder than she cared to admit, but her throat wasn’t as itchy and her tongue was feeling closer to normal. Rowan held both of her hands and guided her to his bedroom. Aelin wanted to make a joke about how this wasn’t what she’d had in mind, but she was too sleepy to find the words.

Rowan undressed her, pulling her jeans off before guiding her to sit on the edge of the bed. The duvet was softer, fluffier than she’d anticipated him to sleep on, and she wanted to burrow down into it as he replaced her shirt with one of his own. When he pulled back the blanket, she crawled under and didn’t settle until he laid down with her. His sweater was soft beneath her cheek and she felt like she was cuddling with him on a cloud. Gods, his bed was so comfortable she wanted to sleep in it forever.

“I’m sorry for ruining our date,” she mumbled, tilting her head back to look at him beneath heavy lashes and heavier lids.

“I’m sorry for accidentally almost killing you.” Despite the way his lips were turned down, there was amusement hidden in his words. Aelin smiled and tilted her head back enough for him to take the hint: she wanted to be kissed. A half smile spread across his lips and he kissed her gently, fingers brushing loose strands of her hair behind her ear.

“This isn’t how I imagined our date ending,” she grumbled, ducking her face down into his sweater. Rowan chuckled and Aelin knew that it wasn’t what he had in mind, either. “I thought I would end up in your bed but not to sleep. I mean, maybe after you fucked me senseless, but I didn’t think we would be skipping that part altogether.”

“I didn’t think I would make something that had flare up an obscure allergy you didn’t know you had, either. So I guess we’re both surprised.” Aelin snorted, sitting up enough to tug on the side of his sweater. Rowan took the hint, sitting up to pull the sweater and his shirt over his head. While in the process of undressing, he stood and pulled his jeans off, too, tossing them over the back of a desk chair in the corner of the room. Aelin swallowed, eyes dipping over the expanse of golden skin he’d exposed.

Her eyes caught on a scar on his lower abdomen, zeroed-in on the trail of hair that disappeared into his briefs. It dawned on her then that she hadn’t seen him completely naked. At work, they saw each other in various stages of undress while changing costumes, but the only time they’d had sex had been a quickie in Lorcan’s bathroom. They’d both been mostly clothed for that. She was making it a goal to see him entirely naked in the next twenty-four hours, because he looked so good like this it was unfair.

“Maybe I’ll feel better when I wake up,” she said, breathlessly. Rowan grinned, a dimple appearing in his cheek that she didn’t see often enough.

“I’m counting on it.”

[adelaidedrubman]

wip it’s wednesday somewhere

tagged by @scungilliwoman @chyrstis and @shellibisshe to share a wip. thanks dears!

limiting outgoing tags again because i’m still in a bit of a writing funk and wasn’t originally going to participate because the only thing i’ve had the energy to work on has been wildfire and there’s very little left i can post without just giving y’all the whole chapter. but i’m actually just so thrilled to be out of 15k+ john pov lockdown that i had to share. anyways tags to: @shallow-gravy @henbased @aceghosts (i know you just posted stuff so no pressure just always wanna catch that tag when you do share) @vasiktomis @faithchel @johnnycranes

chapter 11 below cut!

Jestiny found herself once again returning to consciousness with a great hesitance to open her eyes, hoping that if she delayed the task it would somehow increase the likelihood that the entire thing — or at least the past twenty-four hours or so, had been a fucked up anxiety dream.

But even with her eyes screwed shut, she could feel that sharp, unrelenting ache in her abdomen inform her the injuries she remembered sustaining were in fact very real and acute, and would prevent her from comfortably drifting back off to sleep any time in the near future.

And drawing in a slow, deep breath to center herself and distract from the pain only increased her awareness of the duller, itchy stabbing of something piercing at the crook of her arm, the thin lumpiness of the mattress she laid on, the coarse scratchiness of the sheets. All things that confirmed her situation was exactly as dire as the memories flashing through her mind would suggest, and she had not by some forgotten miracle made her way back to the spare bedroom at the Spread Eagle.

Accepting it wasn’t a problem that could be solved by rolling over and going back to sleep, she finally lifted a single eyelid that trembled with the urge to squeeze shut again under the sudden glare of the fluorescents. Once she’d overcome the initial shock, she darted her straining eye around to take in her surroundings — sparse bunk beds and stark concrete walls. Most concerning of all, a woman in the corner with a rifle slung along the back she kept turned to Jessie, apparently busying herself with mending clothing as she guarded the unconscious deputy.

Fuck, how many more times was she going to wake up a hostage in a goddamn bunker before this was over?

She cautiously rolled her wrists, beginning to test out her arms. At least she’d been left unrestrained this time, it seemed.

Probably because it wasn’t needed. Adrenaline pounded through her veins, drumming hardest in the heart fluttering against her ribcage and the sore throbbing wound in her middle as she recalled what pieces she could of her incapacitated conversation with John. He’d mentioned his bunker had medical equipment, and was close enough to the river, but that was about it. She knew nothing else of its actual size or layout or the scope and strength of its security that would help her determine if escape was a remote possibility.

But…

She knew John Seed was apparently still earnest in his intentions to leave her alive, even at great personal expense. She’d accepted as much after the gun to her head incident. And it also now seemed he was (at least publicly) barred from even endangering her too much, she concluded, dwelling best she could on the hazy, drug blurred memory of the man hanging his head in (she assumed his best theatrical performance of) shame.

And that changed the calculus on the risk versus reward of attempting escape significantly, she decided, experimentally rising with eyes trained on the woman by the door, cautiously watching for any signs of reaction to the light rustling of bed sheets.

All Jessie could do now was hope she and any other nearby guards had also gotten the ‘not killing’ memo as she carefully removed her pillowcase and twisted it into a tight, thick strand between her fists before slowly rising and creeping up to her still unaware target.

[akaashisupremacy]

How to Find Love

Summary: Iwaizumi is on a quest to find love with an old friend. What can he do to get there?

Iwaizumi x fem!reader/Oc || Read it on A03

Genre : romance, friends to lovers

Hajime Iwaizumi ran into the cafe, eyes wide and panicky. “I’m already twenty minutes late for the date.”

As he composed himself before he entered the place, he took a deep breath. He was determined to enjoy this date because it might be their last. Hiromi had never taken lateness kindly.

“Gomen, the meeting ran longer than expected,“ he said, nodding his head into a bow, too embarrassed to meet her eyes, “I’m so sorry.”

She looked up from her books with a weary smile. Beside her was a pile of four or five books, some of which were beginning to yellow, meticulously tabbed with colorful post-its.

“You still made it,” she said, closing her book “I usually walk out if my date was a full hour late.”

It was a Thursday. She had an afternoon at the library while he had an early off (if it wasn’t for his work meeting). Neither of them worked traditional 9 to5 jobs. He began to wonder if seeing each other would be easier if they did. Iwa was leaving on a Friday for Osaka for the rest of the weekend. He was a physical trainer for a professional volleyball team, which meant that he travelled with them during their season.

They called for a menu and began to order what would be their dinner.

“How’s work?” he asked, surveying her through the menu.

“It’s a lot of reading,” she gestured towards her stack of books, “But we’re at the beginning of a new research-heavy campaign so it’s normal. How about you?"

“Mmm…it’s still the start of the season so most of the team is quite healthy. Some of them are a little excited so we’re just trying to reign them in to keep them from straining themselves.” he said, thumbing through the pages.

He had settled for a hamburg curry rice while she had gone for a bowl of tuna pasta. She looked distracted.

“What’s up?” he asked, leaning into the table now that the niceties were done with.

“I like my job. I like my team. But why do I feel like I’m just grinding day in and day out." she sighed, resting her chin on her books, “There’s got to be more in adult life than this."

“You’ve got to find the reason out on your own because your employer won’t do it for you. Not that I’m qualified to give advice or anything.” he said, looking up from his drink.

“I know,” she murmured, her head rested between her folded arms “It’s just so difficult to find the energy for it sometimes.”

Iwaizumi nodded. He knew what she meant. No one job could fulfill all his desires for accomplishment. He liked his job, but it wasn’t a perfect job. He wished that he didn’t need to spend so many weekends away from home.

Man, this date was sobering.

“You sound burnt out. Maybe take it slower at work?” he quirked his head to match the angle of hers.

“What is it that you want to do that you’re not doing for work?” he asked. Despite less than a year in the workforce, she already looked so glum.

She pulled herself up and swept her books aside, “I don’t know to be honest. Within the next two years, I just want to be published in other big publications. It doesn’t have to be necessarily on food, more like the stuff I write for fun. The stuff I’m willing to freelance while I have a day job, y’know?”

“Like what?”

Their order had arrived. She stabbed her fork into her pasta and gently twirled it around.

“The New York Times has a column called Modern Love where you write a long essay about some type of love. It doesn’t have to be romantic. It can be platonic, familial, or even failed love as long as it is set in modern day. I’ve been meaning to write about my failed relationships.” she said thoughtfully.

Iwa choked on his first spoonful.

“Well, if this doesn’t work out, I can at least write about it. Get three hundred dollars and buy you dinner to thank you for the experience.” she laughed drily.

“Are you always this pessimistic on your first dates?” he coughed, taking a sip of water “Either ways, I’m glad to be of help.”

She perked up a bit and grinned. Her whole face lit up when she smiled. A wave of warmth washed over him.

“Send me a copy when you get published.” he added, “I want to see what you write about me.”

“I’m definitely going to writet that you were late on the first date.” she said without skipping a beat. She was grateful that they had chosen this cafe. There were not too many people even if it was dinner time, yet the ambient noise that filled the air kept their pauses from being too silent.

Iwa stopped eating and squinted his eyes at her, “You are not gonna let me live this down, huh?" She winked at him with a glint in her eye. He smiled in response.

He couldn’t care less about what the New York Times was but she was evidently fascinated by it. He wasn’t going to own up to uncultured swine he was on a first date. He had already been late.

“Anyways tell me more about this Modern Love.” he settled back into his dinner.

She pulled out her phone and began typing, “The Modern Love column came out with questions to help get to know someone. This could be a fun date activity.”

“Sure, you want to give it a go?”

She shoved the phone in his face and scrolled through the questions. “There are three sets of questions. Each set more intimate than the last. You can choose from the first set.”

Iwa lightly held the phone, his fingertips grazing the back of her hand. He chose the first question that caught his eye.

“Number 4. What would constitute a ‘perfect’ day for you?” he read out loud. Hiromi took her phone back and read the question to herself.

“What’s your answer?” she asked.

“I just got back, I hadn’t figured out what a perfect day would be like here.” he shrugged sincerely.

She snorted loudly, “What a cop out answer!”

Iwa looked up and thought for a bit, “A day spent walking around in the city…maybe a day that starts with a morning jog and a hot unrushed breakfast after. Catching up with friends sounds good too.”

Hiromi nodded. She was fully absorbed as he talked. It was like she was going through the scenes of his day in his mind as he described them.

“What about you?” he asked, snapping out of her out of her reverie.

“A day at the market,” she said quietly. ”Any market day is a good day really.”

“To be honest, it doesn’t depend on the activities so much at times. The people you’re with is definitely important. A day at the market can still be terrible with the wrong company.” she added.

“I wasn’t subpar last weekend, was I?” he asked.

“No...you weren’t.” she replied a little more shyly than usual.

They moved onto the next question.

“What roles do love and affection play in your life?” she read out loud, “Doesn’t have to be romantic again.”

Iwaizumi inhaled sharply. That was such a loaded question.

“If you’ll use this for an article and it gets published, you better buy me dinner someplace nice.” he tutted.

“Then make this one good.” she smirked.

Iwaizumi stopped eating for a few minutes to think through the question. Before he answered, he closed his eyes and breathed out slowly.

“It defined my entire career in volleyball. My best friend and I watched a game and we kind of chose to go into the same school team after that because we were both so obsessed with the sport. Our connection was almost telepathic. We barely used signals when it was just the two of us. We basically ran off instinct.” said he softly, his eyes reminiscing a different time.

“Although we went our separate ways after high school, I spent so much time in volleyball that it defined a huge part of who I was too. I mean, if I didn’t play volleyball, I would probably be in another sport, but I’d still think I’d be different, y’know?”

You could tell he was avoiding the word “love.” Iwa was not one to be vulnerable.

“In college when I was in my first serious relationship, it was the type of love that gave me confidence and assurance. But I guess it wasn’t enough…for me to say it deeply impacted my later choices on career and other decisions, unlike volleyball.”

“I can’t help but feel that any defining…relationship I have romantically will be weighed against with my time with volleyball…my first real love…" he tried to laugh it off, but you felt the weight off his words, “And I’ve been lucky enough to have enough love in my life that I don’t need to constantly be in a relationship to feel complete.”

A moment of silence fell in between the two.

“That’s a lot to heap on a relationship.” she whispered in contemplation.

Iwa awkwardly scrambled for damage control, “…no pressure.” was all he managed to say.

“So why try to date? When it’s so tough to find someone who can match up with volleyball?” she asked.

“Companionship?” he shrugged, “It’s still nice to date around.”

“And you’re…nice. I’ve been wanting to date you since we were in college. I’ve liked you for a long time…” his entire face flushed pink.

Her eyes fluttered wide open. Since college? Is he serious?

“Our friends were right,” she said in a hush, “You did have a thing for me. I thought they were just teasing us.”

“You had a boyfriend back then and when you broke up with him, I was seeing someone else.” he exhaled, looking her earnestly in the eye, “Wasn’t it obvious to you?”

Iwaizumi couldn’t tell if Hiromi just didn’t want to speak or was too busy contemplating. She was too stunned to speak.

“It felt like fate seeing you on the plane.”

A million things were going through her mind, she slowly opened her mouth, “Now that we’ve been on two half dates, what’s it like? Is this what you’d thought it would be?”

“College is very different from now, but the short answer is yes.” he nodded, rolling his shoulders back. “Everything just clicks. I’m so comfortable with you. It’s so easy for us to talk. I like you just as much as I did in college…I just really like you. Time hasn’t changed that at all.”

Hiromi looked overwhelmed. She was unable to look him in the eye. She was barely getting to know him romantically and he had long been decided about his feelings for her.

“Do you wanna ask if they sell alcohol here? You look like you need a drink.” he joked. Hiromi didn’t look like she heard him.

"This is so intense for a first date.” she shook her head in what seemed like regret.

“We can stop,” he gently interjected, “We can talk about something else.”

She finally looked up to him and whispered, “Hajime, you’ve just dumped a lot of pressure on me.”

“Sorry, didn’t mean to do that,” he smiled apologetically, “Anyways, I’m aware that we’re both at different…stages of attraction. Besides, I think this would be way more awkward if we both were pining.”

“Wouldn’t that be sweeter?” she asked.

“Way too sappy for me.” he waved with his hand. Hiromi let out a small chuckle. Iwa secretly sighed in relief.

——————————————————————————— After dinner, they headed to the arcade to blow off some steam. Iwaizumi offered to carry some of her books to which he somewhat regretted. Her books were like rocks. How the hell was she lugging them on her own in the city?

“I could carry them on my own if it’s too heavy.” she offered.

Iwaizumi looked at her incredulously. She was at least half a foot shorter and much smaller in build. His biceps weren’t going to buck in front of her.

They wandered around the arcade for a bit, unsure what to do first. Iwa silently prayed they didn’t have to do any dancing. Just when they were about to decide on the claw machine, Hiromi pointed towards a small karaoke booth at the corner of her eye.

“Let’s go in there.” she tugged at his jacket.

Iwaizumi flipped through the songs. None of them seemed to be in Japanese. All of them were in English.

“Did you pick up a default english karaoke song?” she asked, browsing through the catalogue. The room was clearly designed for kids. It was so small their knees touched and Iwa could barely sit up without hitting his head on the ceiling.

“Nah,” he shook his head, “I don’t really sing…in English. Any suggestions?”

Hiromi typed in the number of a song.

“I’m about to introduce you to your first usable English karaoke song.” she grinned at him mischievously. Iwa looked at her suspiciously.

The opening notes started to play—some acoustic guitar and a trumpet. The song sounded…Mexican? For the longest time there were no lyrics on the screen. Hiromi swayed to beat as her eyes were glued to the screen. When the song finally began to hit what sounded like the chorus, the music paused for a second.

“TEQUILA!” she yelled into the mic.

Iwaizumi was so startled he jumped up and hit his head on the ceiling. Hiromi was giggling uncontrollably.

“That’s it?!” he exclaimed.

“Yeah,” she laughed, pressing the mic towards him, “You try on the next chorus.”

When the trumpets began playing, Iwa readied himself. The song hits its familiar pause soon enough and he pulls the mic closer to his lips.

“Tequila?” he said tentatively.

“With more conviction, Hajime!” she urged, taking back the mic. On the third chorus, she moved closer to him so they could share the mic.

The music hits its third pause, they looked at each other and yelled, “TEQUILA!”

They both grinned and laughed, almost as if the act of singing about alcohol was like a drink in itself. He could feel her shins pressed against him as she continued to sway for the music. A glint in her eye flickered as she nudged him to dance along with her.

Iwaizumi wasn’t going to refuse. Especially not on their first date. He swayed what he could on the tiny box while the song lasted.

————————————————————————— At the end of the night, they both sat in the train waiting to get off on their respective stops. The carriage shuttled back and forth, pushing and pulling their bodies back and forth into each other.

“Hajime,” she tapped him on his shoulder, “We didn’t finish the last set. Let’s do a quick one before I get off.”

He nodded, “Pick one we can answer with just one word.”

Hiromi swiftly browsed the list, before looking up.

“Finish the sentence, ‘Right now, we are both feeling…’"

Their faces were both so close they could feel the heat of each other’s breath. The back of their hands were touching, but neither dared to reach out or pull away.

“Hopeful.” whispered Hiromi, an evident earnestness in her voice. She was fighting off her shyness just long enough to look him in the eye when she talked.

Iwa smiled, “Smitten.”

Before she could react, the train jolted as it shuffled towards her station.The train stopped at Hiromi’s station and she got up from her seat, taking the books from Iwa’s arms.

He followed her to the exit and watched her as she got off. She gave a small wave from the platform while she watched the doors closed.

Iwa was tempted to press his hands onto the window, unwilling to end their time for the evening. His last sight of her was her smile when the train plunged itself into the night.

“Did he start out his day at the market with a morning jog?” she asked herself, watching the train swiftly pull away.

Iwaizumi took a deep breath. The night had gone differently from how he thought the date would proceed. For one thing, he didn’t expect to confess so early into the relationship.

He took his phone and curiously googled the questions she mentioned.

It turns out the title of the New York Times article was not “Questions to Get to Know Your Date” as Hiromi had led him to believe. Instead, it was titled, “Thirty Six Questions That Lead to Love”.

“Huh,” he said to himself. He shut off the screen to his phone.

36 was too much. In his opinion 3 was enough.

-----------------------------------------------------------

This is part 3 of a series on Iwa living in Tokyo after he moves back from California. Comment or message to be added to the taglist. 

Also, I’ve been feeling quite down lately, so say some nice things if you feel like it in the comments 😬✌️

Part 1 || Part 2 || Part 3 || Part 4

Series taglist: @itstheee-ha-chan

[i8jisoo]

𝐒𝐓𝐑𝐀𝐘 𝐊𝐈𝐃𝐒 ⇉ skz with pregnant!reader

felix x reader | part six of dad!skz

↬ genre; fluff

↬ warnings; pregnancy, slight relation to sex, birth

↬ notes; this took so long lmfao i just had it sitting but i’m finishing up seungmin rnnn 🤓 i’ve been doing requests whew i just have EVERYTHING coming at once

u guys r really surprised 

u two had been in a relationship for four years now so this was inevitable as u two were putting off the pressure of marriage for awhile now

“woah, i’m gonna be a dad!! does this mean u have to call me daddy now?”

0_0

u r s e n s i t i v e

felix first notices this when he gives u a kiss in the morning n ur crying like two seconds after

:((

“why are you crying??!”

“you just leave so early and i miss you!!”

felix skips the day, not rly caring he just wants to cuddle u 🥺

speaking of cuddling u two r so cuddly together now

u guys just cant get enough of each other

ur at practice less often just bc of media and he thinks the house is safer for u

so the boys come over a ton more to the dorm just bc they wanna see u and spend time with u

he is so cute, whenever he sees you he’ll instantly be on his knees to kiss your baby bump and leave u with a light kiss on ur lips

u guys go to ur scan at the beginning of the second trimester

its hush hush and ofc felix has u with the best doctor hes heard of 

his hands are clammy asf, hes smiling and so dazed while he stares at the ultrasound

“look at that!! baby a and baby b!!”

felix is like, 

“oh im gonna pass out”

now he gets these corny ass JOKES like

“wow lix has really GOOD swimmers!!!”

“felix knows his way around the bedroom!!!!!!!!”

poor baby jeongin :( they are POLLUTING HIS MIND

he doesnt but this boy is scared shitless now, two babies?? thats a lot to handle

he likes to shop, a lot. 

for some reason everything is dog themed, puppies on everything and he’ll come home with bags of baby stuff everyday

lix is just so in love with your body

sweaters, t-shirts, hoodies, anything he owns, he 100% wants you to wear it

he might be a little excited at the thought of u in his clothes, it was usual but now u pregnant, he was a little MORE excited

abnormally this guy worships your body 100% 

he loves how easily you can just unravel, to the point of tears and have u begging for him to stop

ok lemme not ill start writing shit type smut anyways chile yes lix loves u A LOT in and out of the bedroom

mmm he’ll always be brainstorming names

aeygo for the babies 🥺

tons of kisses he has plenty to go around

he acquires a new skill called cooking 😣

ur his new favorite taste tester

he’ll read books for them both

tons of research on expecting twins and what to do

“hey, okay.. so i bought a pregnancy pillow, and like, i wanna use it?”

felix has this smirk, holding the huge pillow that is supposed to be a maternity one, but he much prefers himself using it as a regular pillow

he actually goes public with this, knowing that the fans adored u after being his girlfriend for so long nd u soon became a favorite for them

some shit like ‘stays meet your new members’ 😣

this guy has a knack for painting, his newest canvas is your large baby bump, doodling little flowers n hearts or animals on it, sometimes painting characters on it or whatever it may be

u two have this rly cute vlive together which consists of him painting ur baby bump, plenty of fun while he asked stays to tell him what to draw on ur bump :v

“ooh!! a ladybug!!”

he posts the finished project in nice high quality on their official instagram, showing off the many things he had painted

the dreaded bed rest comes into play

u are now nearing seven months, which meant that u should be experiencing labor or maybe labor pains soon

he takes his paternal leave, now indulging in ice-cream and gummy bears with u, rather than working out and drinking nasty smoothies

guess who has that sympathy weight 

(jk he just uses it as an excuse so he can just give up on his diet)

sleep all day

sleep all night

u two are honestly so tired for WHATEVER reason

lix is there to be a cuddle bug, pulling ur back close to his body, ur legs entwined and his hand on top of ur own that was on ur bump

its rly cute just try and picture it for a moment

u guys r trying everything to hurry and get to the end of this seemingly forever pregnancy

he’ll def buy two yoga balls instead of just one for u and he’ll bounce on them with u

who cares ab trying to hurry up y’all are having so much fun regardless of the fact u have to pee every ten minutes

u both forget the thought of it and just go with the flow

making a deal to go with the names for whomever u claimed aka baby a or baby b

i see ur guys timing to be during the summer so its miserable in ur house

its hot n stuffy

u two r just lounging n u both have popsicles, then ur just like

“oh! oh.”

it was a steady gush of fluid between ur legs and that was when the nervousness set in

u two just look at each-other in shock

“oh! we’re having a baby- um.. wow!”

he is abnormally good at keeping calm, helping u keep ur breathing steady and getting everything together 

felix is a pro.

u guys r kinda chilling in the parking lot just quiet and sort of nervous that the next time ur walking out of there you both will have not one, but two babies

“i don’t know if i’m ready yet.”

felix groans, grabbing ur hand

“ur right, ur more than ready. look at us!! parents of two in at least the next twenty-four hours!!” 

his hands r around u in a second to help u up and there to help u walk in

u two honestly decide to play games on ur phone to kill time

felix crawls into ur bed, seeing as how u looked extremely lonely, letting his arms and legs wrap around u n he’s just playing with ur hair

its honestly adorable

u two are really tired for whatever reason, falling asleep like this before u would be consumed in the late nights of being parents

these nurses wake u both up and are just like

“let’s see if we’re ready to meet ur babies!!”

felix is kinda scared but nonetheless he’ll grab ur hand and hold onto it with a smile

10cm woo!

if he wasn’t hyping u up before he is hyping u up right now

ur somewhat laughing and crying while in pain

yall r so weird

felix is there to wipe ur face with the wet cloth, or to give u a sip of water, rly whatever u need he is on it

poor baby just wants to be of help

“here’s baby a! it’s a girl!”

u two have at least a moment with her, taking in her small appearance, felix holding her out for u to see

abruptly cut off by baby b needing to make an appearance

“i don’t wanna do this again.”

“it’s alright, shh. we’re going to have two babies, two perfect ones. we have one little girl, let’s get ready for the next one, yeah? our two babies, you’re doing so good.”

they take away ur little girl while felix does what he already did beforehand

“here’s your second one!! we have a pair of sisters!”

u and felix are so overjoyed at this news, literally sobbing, u two r a mess

both r brought over to u, felix taking in the fact he’s a father of two girls, such small girls

ur both smiley while u kiss them n cuddle them, getting the nurse to take a picture of u two

ur obviously tired, felix emotionally worn out but having the brightest smiles on ur faces while u hold onto ur pair of newborn girls

he’s so proud, he’s the definition of a proud father

lix is holding onto one and he comes over to you, the other one cooing

“that’s it, my three girls.”

©️ maysdiors 2020 :: all rights reserved. do not repost my work on tumblr or other platforms.

[mah-gah-lee]

be stuck with you - owen patrick joyner x (reader)

Word Count: 2303

Request: YES, from that sweet @idontcare011​, hope you’ll like it ! 

Summary:  you were late and a random boy comes into the elevator at the last minute. By some incredible force of fate (or pretty crappy weather) you find yourself stuck with the young man in this narrow cabin.

Warnings: panic attack and i think it’s all

disclaimer: I don't know Owen personally or what his life is like. All you will read in this "x reader" is from my imagination. My point is not to invade Owen's privacy. I don't want to offend him or offend anybody else in his life (family, potential girlfriend…I heard maybe he has one, so I don’t know but I don’t want to offend her).  All of this is not the reality

Tagged: @asdfghjkl-fanfics​ @standingtalllove​ @lukeys-giggle​ 

---

Thanks God, the quarantine was over and everyone could travel again. However, this stupid virus was not completely gone. Since the health crisis, you have adopted new habits, such as taking the stairs instead of the elevator. But today, you were in a hurry, so you entered the cabin eagerly. The conference you were due to attend was starting in no less than twenty minutes, and your itinerary had said it would take you 15 to get to your planned location. But with the weather conditions creeping in out there, you were sure you would need a lot longer than advertised. The automatic door was closing when a hand stepped in the way. A young blond man appeared and slipped into the elevator. You grumbled at the action, making you fall a few more seconds behind.

 "Sorry" the boy said through his mask.

 But you didn't answer.

 You had almost ten floors to go down together. You looked in your bag for a while to make sure you had your recorder when you felt an uncontrolled jerk. Your body no longer held you in balance but you caught yourself on a side of the elevator as the young man accompanying you tended to stabilize you. The lights flashed for a while and then went out. Your eyes widened as your heart pounded.

 "oh no no no no no no no. Anything except that, please!" you said, frantically pressing a random button.

 “I think we stuck…”

  "Oh yeah, what makes you think that?" The fact that we weren't moving or that the lights went out? "

 The boy threw up his hands in defense, eyes wide with so much animosity.

 "Hey, I'm in the same situation. You don't have to be aggressive."

You groaned before leaning against one of the elevator walls, peering into the face of your elevator failure companion. He had blond hair; his tips reached the base of his neck. But his expressive blue eyes - seeming constantly anxious - reminded you of someone, but you didn't know who. You have pushed the alarm button to warn the staff that there was someone in the lift.

 “Sorry, it’s seems to be a bad day. I’m late and now I’m stuck in an elevator with a perfect stranger”

 “I’m Owen…Not a stranger anymore”

 “I’m y/n, but yes, you still are”

 Owen laughed at your outspokenness and you gave him a polite smile before you were silent for several minutes.

 After what seemed like forever - when it was only ten minutes - you looked at your phone. No networks. For no obvious reason, when everything seemed to be going well, your heart started to beat faster. The thought of being stuck here forever crossed your mind and ached in your chest. The boy in front of you seemed so calm, which made you even more anxious.

 "How the hell can you stay so calm"

 "Oh ... I'm dying inside, just trying to play it cool"

 You can help with giving him an amused smile, he had been so frank. But this little interaction did not bring you back down from your state. You were breathing harder and harder, your chest was heaving quickly, it was nearly out of control. Owen seemed to notice that and give you a concerned look.

 "Panic attack?"

 You nodded briskly and Owen approached you cautiously. You saw his hands move towards you and your gaze expressed fear but you were paralyzed to do anything.

 "I'm going to take that damn mask off you already."

 Gently, he grabbed the fabric mask and pulled a little on it to lower it, he reproduced the gesture with his own mask.

 "Look at me, just me. There's nothing around us. Take a deep breath. I'll count to 3 and then you'll breathe out. Okay?"

 you nodded and when he shook his to urge you to breathe you took a deep breath, like he told you to.

 "1..2..3"

 You sighed, keeping your gaze on him. You started once more and when the blonde asked you if it was better, you were shaking your head negatively.

 "We're starting over but… take my hands and squeeze them as much as you need. Don't worry about grinding them."

 You grabbed his hands and restarted each step over, crushing his hands. But the contact with matter, your breath and Owen's comforting eyes, help you gently. A soothing silence has settled between you. Owen had helped you through this panic attack when you didn't even know each other. But you could feel deep inside that this man was good. Things seemed to calm down for you and you thanked Owen with a genuine smile.

 “You know how to deal with it ... Thanks for that.”

 “I also suffer from anxiety and panic attack. But the elevator is big enough here that it doesn't cause me one. Although I am a little anxious ...”

 “hey, breathe Owen.” You replied with a smirk

 Owen laughed and shook his head as if to say "that's a good one!" You look at the young man again, staring at him intently. It was very rude but you couldn't put a name on his face anymore. You were sure you knew him. Was he a distant cousin? A neighbor? A guy you knew in high school? Or just a guy you saw in an ad? Maybe the ad for these new cereals!

 “Excuse me but ... I've seen you somewhere before, haven't I?”

 “In an elevator, yeah!” he joked

 You laughed he was funny

 “No, I mean ... I feel like I've seen you before but I really can't remember where.”

 he sighed, as if a little tired of the question. You were surprised at his reaction but Owen answers you anyway

 “Yeah, I don't usually talk about that when I first meet a girl, especially when I'm stuck in an elevator with her but ... I'm an actor. I played some stuff on Nickelodeon and now I'm supposed to shoot season two of Julie and the phantoms, it's a Netflix series.”

 You watched him chattering, you nodded then wide your eyes. This is where you saw it! You had been relentlessly browsing the Netflix catalog and seeing the trailer for the series he told you about, but you had avoided it, the show seemed too childish for you. You first reaction was to make fun of him

 "Again, don't forget to breath Owen. But the way, I didn’t want to bother you with that question."

 He laughed lightly then smiled politely at you. You didn't seem to be a hysteric or a weird person. He had a deep feeling that you were a good person, which is why Owen seemed to relax.

 "It's just ... for a while, I thought you were a fan and I didn't want things to be weird all suddenly "

 "Oh don't worry I haven't seen any of your shows.” you said nonchalantly

 Owen burst into laughter. Once again, it was bafflingly sincere and he was really starting to enjoy being stuck in an elevator with you. You smiled, the energy in the cabin was positive that you almost forgot you were stuck with this young man for almost half an hour. You didn't know when you were going to be able to get out of here but you didn't really care anymore for the sole reason that you wanted to get to know this man. You tilted your head back, resting it against the elevator wall before sighing loudly. Seconds later, your gaze turned to Owen again.

 “So tell me about this series that you’re filming. What is it about?”

 "It's a pretty cool show actually. It's directed by Kenny Ortega, I don't know if you see who he is."

 "Hell yeah ... he's the choreographer of Dirty Dancing"

 "Himself ... So what about the storyboard ... It's about ..."

 And then, you listened to him to tell you about the series. Something like a '90s band dying of food poisoning from a bad hotdog and returning twenty-five years later as ghosts to help a super talented young girl to make music after her mom passed away. It made you laugh; it was probably the dumbest death on TV after Marion Cotillard's in Batman. He couldn't even stop anymore so that he sometimes swapped over a few anecdotes from the set. You even got a little exclusive on season two before Owen stopped in the middle of a sentence.

 "Sorry, I got a little carried away. But when you like your job, it's pretty easy to talk about it."

 You smiled at him and Owen started asking you questions, about your work, your life, your passions and you were giving him back. The conversation was fluid, natural You learned that he was German, that his mother tongue was German until he was about four years old, that he had a sister and had lived with his parents until that year when he moved into his own apartment. Getting to know Owen was really nice and you could feel your stomach twist every time he smiled. He was a boy full of humor but also sarcasm.

 You've been stuck with Owen for an hour and a half now. You ended up sitting on the floor of the elevator. Boredom was really starting to take hold of you. You rummaged through your bag for something, anything. An idea crossed your mind when you saw the small block of post-it notes.

 "Owen"

 "hmm?"

 "How would you like to play a game?"

 "What kind of game do you want to play here?"

 "Who am I?"

 "Obviously you are y/n" he tells you with a smirk.

 You laughed before pulling out your notepad and a pencil to show it to the blonde. He claimed to have understood your intention, which made you smile even more. Of course, Owen knew the game you wanted to play. He nodded, and you'd write a celebrity's name on a sticky note before sticking it on your new friend's forehead. He did the same for you. Fortunately, your two post-its are well stuck. Owen spoke

 "I start: am I a man?"

 "Obviously" you say with a smirk, responding to the blonde's previous joke.

 Owen laughed, catching the tone of your voice.

 “But how funny she is! Is my character a man?” He continued.

 You did several parts. You even teased him when he made you guess Julie and the phantoms, because the game didn't stop only with characters, celebrities but also series, movies, musicals. You were laughing when there was another shake, stronger than the first, the lights came back on and you couldn't help but be disappointed. You looked at Owen and he seemed to have the same gaze as yours. The doors barely opened and you found the hotel staff, patiently waiting to ask if you needed medical assistance, while also offering you a bottle of water. You left the elevator car, hurriedly stuffing the many post-its into your bag. You didn't really know how to act with the blond guy next to you. You had formed a little bubble in that enclosed space and now it seemed to have burst. For some strange reason, it made you sad. Now is the time to part ways with your new friend.

 “well, good-goodbye, it was nice to meet you.”

 you rushed into the hotel lobby a little more, but Owen seemed to catch up with you, his long legs only having to take a few strides.

 "wait, y/n!"

 You turned to him, you could see the embarrassment on his cheeks, asking with a frown what was the cause.

 "I think you let that go"

 "No, I don't"

 You looked at the crumpled white paper. It even looked like a piece of chewing gum. And at first glance, Owen's perfectly white teeth were chewing one.

 "I think you did."

 He handed you the paper with a determination that convinces you. You bite your lip as you look at the series of numbers on the packaging: a phone number. His telephone number. Owen swallowed hard as he looked at you. His eyes never leaving your lips.

 "It's pretty spontaneous of me but ... I won't start filming until next week. I hope you're still here the day after tomorrow ... because I would really like to ask you to come have a drink with me ... "

 Your cheeks turned red, did he really just ask you for a date? You did not know what to answer. The urge to say yes was so present but you were afraid to rush. Perhaps humor was your only defense

 "it depends"

 "about what?"

 "Does this appointment include a blocking session in an elevator? This is the only way it works"

 Owen laughed before giving you a genuine smile, showing his perfectly aligned white teeth. God, what a beautiful man.

 "I can try to fix this and find a faulty elevator."

 "So expect a text from me"

 You smiled back at him and gave him a wink before turning on your heels. Owen's heart skipped a beat and he when he arrived several hours late in the hairdressing section of the set, Charlie laughed at him saying that he had never seen him so happy to have a haircut. hair. But in reality, the blond was only waiting for one thing, and that was to receive a message from you, which arrived in a second.

 (y/n) text : "After being stuck in an elevator, here I am stuck in traffic ... Are you sure you want a date with me, you might just end up stuck with me?"

 Owen couldn't help but smile broadly.

 Owen text : "I'm sure. I'd love to even be stuck with you (again).”

(y/n) text : “Fine, ghost boy. See you soon”

[onceuponaloonatic]

i found this old misamo draft and just felt like sharing since it's so adorable. i edited it a bit to reflect my current writing style !! sorry i've been gone, classes started again and it's been a little overwhelming. i try to work on stuff when i can and have some stuff in the works, so i'll try to get them out soon !! also my inbox is empty again so if you have any lingering ideas i'm happy to listen to them. i may not post much but i do lurk around here a lot. love you guys !!

Mina didn’t know how long she had been there.

Sana and Momo were fast asleep behind her, both of them had passed out the minute they realized they finally had a little bit of time to sleep. Mina had tried to join them at first, but despite her exhaustion, she just couldn’t sleep. Not with the tiny little bundle that had recently taken up residence in their bedroom.

Being a parent was weird, Mina was coming to realize. Before, it had just been her, Sana, and Momo. They had created their own little world, their own perfect life in France. Their careers had been fun while they lasted, even if there were times Mina hated her job more than anything. There were days it was so hard, she was surprised she was able to convince people her smile was real. Days she was surprised she was able to get out of bed. Surprised she was able to keep going, keep performing. There was a period she couldn’t even remember any of her stages, she would just be in the dressing room one minute and suddenly she was in the van pushed up against Jeongyeon or Jihyo and everyone was telling her how good their performance was. Even with all of this though, Mina was happy with her job at the end of the day. She met Sana and Momo. She got to shine as bright as had desired when she was too young to even imagine the life she would have later. She got to see the world, she got to put smiles on people’s faces, and she got to be a role model for people all over the world.

Mina had thought she would be sadder when twice ended. But she didn’t really felt sad. She didn’t really feel anything. They had all known it was coming, and it felt right. They had a good run, but it was time for them all to move on with their lives. For Mina to move on, with the loves of her life.

All their friends were sad when they moved to France, but it felt right. East Asia would always remind them of their careers, retirement couldn’t erase ten years of being the nation’s girl group. They knew if they wanted to start this next chapter of their lives, they had to go somewhere far away. All three of them had moved to another country before, and honestly, France just felt like the right place for them to start their new lives as retired people. Sana laughed when she called them that, saying thirty-three was too young to be retired. But that’s what they were, retired.

It was nice living with just Sana and Momo. Life was a lot simpler now, but Mina loved it. She didn’t have to worry about saying the wrong thing or wearing the wrong outfit or her face was bloated. All she had to worry about now was what day to go grocery shopping and if she had hung the laundry up yet. Yes, being an idol was great, but this was great too. In a completely different way.

Mina had been happy with just Sana and Momo, but she also didn’t hate the idea of having a kid. It seemed interesting, and she had always thought about what it would be like to be a mom. Sana and Momo were more outwardly excited, but Mina couldn’t help the mounting internal excitement when they found out they were going to be moms. And now that their baby was actually here, Mina couldn’t help herself from being obsessed with her.

When Momo and Sana fell asleep, Nico was fast asleep too. Sana had just fed her and Nico had fallen asleep on Momo’s chest while Momo swayed her gently. Mina knew from experience that was enough to put anyone to sleep, it was one of the comfiest places on earth. However, just like it had been in the past twenty-four hours since Nico came home, she was awake not long after falling asleep. Mina had been watching her when she woke up. Mina liked watching Nico. She liked memorizing her baby’s features. She always took notes on all the pieces of Sana she saw in Nico. All the pieces of Momo. It was weird, Nico wasn’t biologically related to Mina at all, but she also couldn’t help but see little pieces of herself in Nico too.

When Nico woke up, she didn’t cry. Maybe it’s because she knew Mina was right there, or maybe she just didn’t need anything, but she stayed quiet in her crib. She made eye contact with Mina before yawning and squirming a little. Mina expected her to cry, but she didn’t. Instead, she and Mina started a small staring contest. It wasn’t awkward though, it somehow felt right. Like Mina’s life had been leading up to this moment. It was weird, that something so simple made her feel so happy. Being a parent was weird.

She didn’t know how long they stayed like this, but eventually, her moment was interrupted by the annoying buzz of her phone in her pocket.

She didn’t want to leave Nico, so she picked her up as gently as possible and carried her to the living room. She made sure Nico was comfy against her chest before she answered her phone.

“I knew you would be awake.” Nayeon’s teasing voice came through the phone.

“I could have been asleep.” Mina nodded, drawing small shapes on the back of Nico’s back.

“You're not. You are with her, aren’t you?” Mina nodded, panning the camera down to show Nico on her chest.

“Want to meet her?” Mina smiled. They had been away from their phones all day, wanting to spend every spare second with Nico now that she was home. This meant their friends hadn’t been able to see Nico, in video chat or in photo form.

“I met her when she was born.” Nayeon giggled. “But, that was two months ago, so I’ll meet her again.”

“Okay.” Mina couldn’t wipe the smile from her face if she wanted to. She moved Nico so she was facing the camera, her body being supported by Min. “Nico-ya, this is Auntie Nayeon. She’s your godmother.” Nico made a little noise as she got some spit on her face. Mina laughed, grabbing a spit rag for Nico and kissing her hair. “I think that means she likes you.”

“Hi, sweetheart. I like you too.” Nayeon had tears in her eyes. She had always gotten emotional around babies, but especially any of the twice-member’s kids. Jeongyeon had always teased her relentlessly for it. “It’s nice to finally see you at home.”

“We are happy to have her here. Sana was going a little crazy and Momo has a talent for encouraging her. Everything is okay now though.” Mina took one of Nico’s hands and squeezed it.

“I’m sure it drove all of you crazy. You should have seen Jihyo with Eunmi. She only had a three-week stay and she drove her husband and me absolutely crazy. She vicariously lived through Hyemi to deal with her Eunmi issues. It was kind of nice at first to have someone to take care of her, but it got too much pretty fast.” Nayeon giggled. “Speaking of Hyo, she told me to tell you to text her. She and I were planning on coming out to see Nico soon.”

“Oh, it’s okay. We know you guys are busy.”

“Nah, we both need some time away, especially Hyo. Have you talked to Chae and Tzu yet?”

“They actually have some big trips coming up. But they said they do want to come to see Nico soon. They want to stay for a while.” Mina explained, adjusting Nico in her lap.

“They are both so in love with Nico. It’s sweet.” Nayeon laughed at the thought. “I know they are both pretty against having their own kids, so it’s cute they are latching onto Nico as hard as they have been.”

“Yeah, they’ve never really been like this before. But she got that from Sana, everyone loves her.” Mina had thought about this before. Sana was born to be loved. Her being an idol was like fate. Everyone loved her, and the people who didn’t were either jealous or spiteful. And even then, Sana even loved people like that back. Sana’s heart was so good, she always tried to love people before anything else. Mina had always adored that about her.

“I love her more than I love Sana.” Nayeon shrugged.

“I’ll be sure to tell her that when she wakes up.” Mina giggled. “I’m sure it will make her day.”

“Wait no please don’t do that. I used to live with Sana, I know she will leave me like ten voicemails complaining I don’t love her.” Mina couldn’t help but giggle at the whine in Nayeon’s voice.

“Nope, you said it. Can’t take it back now.” Mina continued laughing until she heard some shuffling around behind her. She turned and found Momo coming towards her with a blanket wrapped around her shoulders and her eyes half-closed. “Hello.”

“Mitang.” Momo whined as a response, plopping herself down next to Mina.

“Is that Momo?” Nayeon asked.

“Hi Nayeon-Unnie.” Momo greeted before pressing her face into Mina’s shoulder. “Mitang it’s sleepy time.”

“You were asleep, why did you wake up?” Mina giggled, brushing Momo’s hair out of her face.

“Sana kicked me.” Momo whined. “And it felt too cold.”

“You had Sana and two blankets.” Mina nodded.

“Sana is too warm,” Momo muttered. “Mitang is the perfect temperature.”

“So Sana is too warm, but I’m the perfect temperature?” Mina giggled. “Anyway, We’ll be up in a minute, so go ahead and go back to bed.”

“I’ll wait.” Momo nodded, kissing Mina’s shoulder and laying a hand onto Nico’s back.

“It’s like three am over there, if you guys are tired you really should go to bed. Nico’s awake but she’s quite and honestly with newborns that’s the best your going to get.” Nayeon looked at the two with a fond smile. One that could only come about from watching a romance blossom between some of her favorite people. ‘Besides, she can’t sleep if Mina is fussing over her too much.”

“She has a point.” Momo muttered into Mina’s shoulder.

“Okay.” Mina couldn’t help her heart from fluttering at the little kisses Momo left along her shoulder. When she was younger, they might have been hot, and definitely something she wouldn't let anyone else see. But now they just felt comforting. She knew Momo loved her.

“Have a good day Unnie.” Momo greeted from her spot on Mina's shoulder.

“Nico-ya be good. I’ll see you soon my love.” Nayeon blew kisses at the camera.

“None for us?” Momo whined.

“Nope. Bye Nico!” Nayeon waved as she hung up. Mina rolled her eyes and looked down at Nico, who was already half asleep.

“Looks like someone’s ready for bed.” Mina giggled.

“Can't blame me. I was fast asleep with my Mitang.” Momo pouted.

“Not you.” Mina giggled. “Our lives don't revolve around us anymore.”

No.” Mina felt Momo’s smile without having to look at her. “And are you okay with that?”

“I’m more than okay with it.” Mina nodded. “I love it.”

[buckleysjareau]

maddie and evan against the world

this is something i wrote for buckley siblings week that i never ended up posting, but i’ve been in a writing slump lately but i want to post something so here’s some sad pre-canon buckley siblings!

trigger warnings; implied/referenced domestic abuse, suicidal thoughts, description of a depressive episode, mentions of child death... i think that’s it, if i missed anything let me know!

Growing up, Maddie had mastered the art of doing everything quietly. Sneaking in, sneaking out, standing outside her parents’ door as they fought over the bills and how are we going to pay for this IVF, Margaret?

Quiet crying, quiet talking, quiet everything.

It’s a skill that comes in handy once she’s out of the house, carries her through nursing school and Doug’s accusations of cheating when her shift runs late and she’s not home at the exact minute Doug expects her to be home. It carried her all the way back to Hershey where if she even made the slightest sound, she’d end up with bruises scattered in places he knew were easy coverage.

She had to be quiet to survive her parents, but she has to be absolutely silent to survive her husband.

Her body aches and her eyes burn as she stiffly lays beside her husband, silently crying as the last two hours replay in her head. Doug’s hand tightening little by little around her neck the angrier he got, screams of rage echoing around the room that she didn’t put away the corkscrew.

You never learn! It’s not my job to clean up after you, Maddie. That’s the woman’s job. Do you see what you make me do to you? I don’t want to hurt you, Maddie, but you never learn.

Her phone lighting up on her bedside table—set to silent, thank god—pulls her out of her own head.

Evan’s smiling face is staring right back at her and it causes more tears to fall before she squints to read the time. Why was her brother calling her at two in the morning? Her heart drops to her stomach as she thinks the worst.

Evan

Missed call

Evan

Voicemail

Swallowing the fear in the form of a lump in her throat, she glances at Doug, counts his breaths to make sure he’s in a deep sleep and slips out of bed without making too much movement. She grabs her phone, makes sure to avoid the part of their bedroom floor that creaks and lets out a sigh of relief once she’s made it to the bathroom.

She doesn’t know what she’s expecting of his voicemail but she’s not even two seconds into listening to it and her heart breaks at the gut wrenching sob he lets out.

“I need you,” Evan all but pleads. “I can’t–I can’t do it anymore. Everything is too much and I’m not enough, and I miss you, Maddie, I miss you. I need you, Mads. I–I wish I wasn’t alive. It’s all too much.”

Maddie has to put her arm over mouth to stifle the sob that’s ripped from her throat. She tenses, scared the noise would wake Doug up. Once she’s in the clear, she opens her texts and sends up a thank you to whatever higher power there is that Evan still has his location on.

I’m on my way.

She sends out the text and starts her descent down the stairs, walking on her tiptoes to make sure she doesn’t get busted before she has the chance to get to her brother.

She slides on a random pair of shoes by the door, grabs the keys to her Jeep, and before she knows it she’s on the road, following the directions given from Find My iPhone.

I can’t–I can’t do it anymore.

I need you, Mads.

I–I wish I wasn’t alive.

Everything is too much and I’m not enough.

The voicemail keeps replaying in her head and the guilt of ever leaving him grabs a hold of her throat and she can’t breathe through it.

He has to be okay. He’s going to be okay. She’s gonna be there for him like she should have been before.

It’s snowing when she reaches Penn State. In itself, it’s not a shock that it’s snowing in Central Pennsylvania in the middle of December. What is a shock, though, is that her brother is out in the middle of it in only basketball shorts and a Penn State hoodie.

“Evan!” Maddie shouts once she’s parked and out of her car.

Evan spins around at the sound of her voice and the way his face just crumbles is something she would probably never forget.

“You came.” He chokes on a sob, seemingly desperate to maintain some level of okay but it’s plain to see, he was anything but.

Maddie does nothing to stop the tears that steadily stream down her face. Instead, she reaches up to cup her brother’s face and wipes away a few tears that fall. “I’ll always come when you need me.”

The invisible thread that seemed to be holding her brother together and upright breaks from the power of the storm raging inside of him and he collapses into her arms and falls apart.

Her brother has definitely grown since the last time he’d fallen apart in her arms when he was fourteen and terrified of his sexuality. She tries to hold him up and comfort him for as long as she can but the bruises on her back ache and she can only carry so much of his weight.

She clears her throat and fights back a wince. “Hey Ev, why don’t we get in the Jeep, out of this cold, yeah? You’ll feel better in the heat.”

Hiccuping and borderline hyperventilating, Evan can only nod.

The second Evan is in the passenger’s seat, he pulls his legs up close to his chest and rests his head on his knees. He looks small, which is not an adjective Maddie would use on her brother nowadays given his 6’2 frame and the muscles he gained as Quarterback.

Maddie gives herself a minute to calm down before she drives the four miles to the twenty-four hour diner her parents had taken her to eat after she toured Penn State ten years before.

“C’mon, let’s get you some chamomile tea and some food in you.”

Evan sniffles and Maddie is reminded of her five year old brother learning how to ride a bike. Daniel’s bike, she can’t help the heartbroken feeling in her chest at the thought of her older brother she never got to mourn.

Once they’re seated with hot beverages to keep them warm—and in Evan’s case, calm— Maddie breaks the silence.

“What’s going on, Evan? What happened?” She asks, resting her hand on top of his.

He doesn’t answer right away. Instead, he fidgets with the utensils on the table and rolls up the paper from the straws. Maddie doesn’t rush him, she knows not to. She knows he’ll talk on his own time.

“I–Maddie, I’m not–”

“Take your time.”

Evan meets her eyes, closes his own and then looks down. “I’m not okay, Mads. I haven’t been for a long time a–and it’s gotten so bad I can’t get myself out of bed. I’m on academic probation, if I can’t get my grades up–” Evan’s voice cracks and so does Maddie’s heart. “I’m gonna get kicked out of school, and I–I don’t– I can’t face mom and dad if that happens and I try, Mads, I try so hard to get myself together again but I feel like my body isn’t attached to itself a lot, and I lose time, and I’m just a waste of space anyway– fuck, I want to die, I don’t want to be alive right now and I don’t know what’s wrong with me!”

Maddie is on his side of the booth and instantly pulls him in. Evan lays his head on her shoulder as Maddie runs her hand through his unruly curls much like she used to when Buck was young and tiny. The position is a bit awkward but neither want to leave the comfort of each other’s arms long enough to adjust their positions.

“It’s okay, Ev, it’s okay. We’ll figure it out, okay? We’ll figure it out together, I promise. We’ll get you help.”

Evan lets out a sound Maddie could only describe as wail. His whole body is shaking with the force of his cries but, without lifting his head or moving anything else, he holds out his pinky.

Maddie half laughs, half cries and links it with his.

Maddie and Evan against the world.

Ten years later, when Chimney shakes her awake and tells her Buck needs her after receiving a similar call, she doesn’t have to worry about walking on eggshells just to be there for her brother.

Ten years later, when Buck hits that low point and feels like he has no one, Maddie is there to show him that’s not true. He had her. She had him.

They always had each other.

[megalony]

Bonds between us

I know I haven’t been posting much lately but I’ve finally been inspired and found the time to write this new Murderer! Ben Hardy series I am hoping to be working on. I hope you will all like it, feedback is always lovely to have.

Taglist: @lunaticspoem @butlegendsneverdie @langdonzvoid @jennyggggrrr @rogmeddows @radiob-l-a-hblah @rogertaylorsbitontheside @chlobo6 @rogertaylors-lipgloss @sj-thefan @omgitsearly @luckytrashgooprebel @scarsout @deaky-with-a-c @killer-queen-ofrhye @bluutac @vousmemanqueez @jonesyaddiction @ambi-and-sunflowers @milanosaurus @httpfandxms @saint-hardy @7-seas-of-fat-bottomed-girls @mrsalwayswritex @rogerina-owns-me @hellsdragon @im-an-adult-ish @crazylittlethingg @allauraleigh @onceuponadetectivedemigod​

Murderer! Ben masterlist

Summary: There are two sides to Ben, the dark side when he is at work, and the surprisingly loving side when he is with his family. But both Ben’s sides are tested when (Y/n) goes into early labour and their baby is premature.

(I’ve imagined this series being set in the late 60s/ early 70s)

Enjoy.

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"It's daddy, I told you he's home!" The squealing voice of the little girl caught the attention of the five men who were just approaching the front door to the vast home. The three year old didn't seem to understand how to regulate her voice yet meaning that she was practically shouting as if she wanted the whole neighbourhood to know her dad was coming home.

When the grey front door slowly swung open, Ben took two steps inside before he quickly shrugged off the large velvety black overcoat he wore day in and day out. The daily routine he went through had become second nature he no longer had to think about.

His hands automatically went to the holsters that clung to his shoulders but instead of removing the straps, he removed the two guns he always carried on his person. His wrists rotated and his hands moved behind his back, dropping the guns into the hands of one of his men who was walking in behind him. As soon as his hands were free, Ben's arms moved out in front of him to pick up his little girl who was unevenly running on short stubby legs to get to him.

None of the kids knew Ben carried guns on him and that was how it needed to stay. The moment Ben stepped into his home or even the moment he pulled in the drive, the guns were hidden away out of sight and reach.

When Ben stepped over the threshold of his home, he changed from the man everyone feared to the family man everyone adored. And the workers who went back with him changed from the fearing men who did as they were told to close friends of the family who were always there as friends, rather than workers to be bossed around.

"Hey there, princess. Miss me?" Ben pressed his curving lips to the side of Lilah's head, brushing her hazel brown hair behind her ear, noticing how thin it seemed compared to when he brushed his fingers through the boys' hair.

"I miss you! I told Beck it was you but he not believe me."

"That's because I'm early, where's your mum princess? I need to talk to her and make sure she's okay."

Ben bounced his only girl on his hip, brushing his crooked nose against her cheek to tickle her and make her squeal. He remembered when Lilah first started to speak properly, she would trace his nose and ask why it 'was bent.' The little girl didn't understand that Ben's nose was slightly bumpy and crooked because the bone had been broken far too many times when fighting and it had healed at a bad angle. Not that it messed up the look of his features in any way, it was only visible when up close but it fascinated Lilah.

"Kitchen, Theo and James are up in playroom." Lilah pointed in the right direction before she leaned her head against Ben, making a noise and a fuss of kissing his cheek. Knowing that when she did that, Ben would copy her and lavish her with kisses.

"Daddy, you're back, and you brought uncle Joey." The excited tone to Beckett's voice made Ben's lips curl up at the corners and he reached his free hand out to ruffle the familiar dirty blond hair that matched his own.

"Princess, go with Beck and stay with uncle Joe for me so I can have a word with your mum please."

A whine left Lilah's lips but she complied when Ben kissed her temple and set her down to her feet. He waited until she took Joe's hand and the two kids dragged him to go and find their brothers before Ben carried on to the kitchen. He knew without looking that Gwilym would be following him to see (Y/n) whereas the other two of his workers were simply here for added precaution and protection. Ben liked protection when he was home after a particularly bad day at work or when business was in full swing just in case they were being watched or followed. He couldn't afford for anything to happen to his family.

Ben would have been at work for a lot longer today but (Y/n) had called asking if there was any way he could come home because she wasn't well. And she never called when he was at work so Ben knew she must be rather under the weather to call and ask for him to come home.

He could do nothing but do as his wife requested. She was seven months pregnant and Ben didn't want to leave her home alone with four children to look after when she wasn't well, it would hardly be fair of him to do that.

"Hey doll... everything okay there?"

When Ben stepped into the rather large kitchen it didn't take him long to set his sights on his wife but when he saw her, he couldn't help how the panic spread through his system. (Y/n) had her forearms leaning on one of the counters near to the sink with her lower back arched out but it was the way she was breathing heavy and the pained look on her face that set alarm bells off in Ben's head. She had been in a bit of discomfort this morning but she had seemed well in herself and didn't look or seem ill or else he wouldn't have left in the first place.

Ben glided over the polished tiled floor to get to (Y/n), resting a hand on her lower back which he began rubbing soothing circles onto whilst his other hand rested on the counter to steady himself. He leaned his head down to try and get a better look at (Y/n) before she tilted her head to look up at him.

"I- I'm getting t-twitches... and I've been sick a lot..." (Y/n) lifted her eyes to lock with Ben's, seeing her silent message conveying into his eyes immediately when his own eyes narrowed and his lip curled up in distaste.

"Right... well let's get you sat down doll and if you start to get worse Gwil can ring the doctor and we can get you checked out. Joe's got the kids for now anyway." Ben's tone was concerning and loving and his calm demeanour made (Y/n) feel better already but she could see the look behind his eyes. The defensive, dismissive look that showed he wanted to ignore what she had told him and say that this was something else which they both were sure it just had to be.

When (Y/n) went into labour it always started as twinging pain in her lower back or her stomach and through most of their four labours (Y/n) had thrown up quite a lot or felt some kind of indigestion. She was hoping and praying this was not the start of labour because they were far too early and there had been no other signs or warnings of labour before now. (Y/n) had done nothing that would push her into labour this early and there was no reason for it.

But even if this was just her coming down with a sickness bug, she needed Ben here regardless so he could help her and help look after the kids.

(Y/n) let Ben ease her weight into his arms so he could straighten her up and try to guide her but the moment she took one step away from the sink a small but desperate murmuring noise escaped her lips. Her body hunched back over and her head almost hit the bottom of the sink as she threw up what little she had left in her stomach.

She felt Ben's arms shifting to circle around her waist, his hand smoothing over her lower stomach to try and settle the baby when he felt them moving too. He pressed his chest up to her back before he kissed the top of her head to try and calm her down because he could feel the way (Y/n) was trembling and whining, she never took well to being sick.

"Alright doll just try and breathe for me, shh, you're okay." He whispered quietly against (Y/n)'s hair when she started to moan, shaking her head as she pulled back from the sink.

He could hear how laboured her breaths were which showed she was still unsure if she was going to throw up again or not and she looked like holding her head up was too hard of a task as if her head weighed too much to lift. But before Ben even managed to say two more words, his arms tightened and went stiff around (Y/n) when one of her hands clamped around his and the other braced on the edge of the counter.

A sharp cry escaped (Y/n)'s lips as her head fell down so she was staring at her feet, her body pushing back into Ben's chest like she wanted him to hold her tighter and reassure her that she wasn't going to fall or become hurt.

"Doll- doll what's wrong?!" Ben's chin pressed down against (Y/n)'s shoulder so he could turn his head and look at her but the fright in her eyes was more than he could bear to look at. She kept pushing back into his chest like she wanted to mould against him or make him hold her tighter like she was going to fall or break but he didn't know why.

A huffed breath escaped his lips when he could do nothing but go down on his knees, slowly and cautiously easing (Y/n) down with him when all her weight fell onto him and she had no energy to keep herself upright. But the moment they were both down on the kitchen floor, (Y/n)'s hands went to cradle her stomach as a cry erupted from her lips.

"Gwil call the fucking doctor now!"

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Turning her head to the left, (Y/n) buried her face in Ben's chest, smothering a sob in his shirt as she wished this would end soon. All four of them had been here for near enough twenty four hours now and it was beginning to get to a point where it felt too much for (Y/n).

Her skin was blotched red and dotted with sweat, her body was burning up like she was sitting on a coal fire and she could feel nothing below the waist. Anna had stacked up pillows behind her to try and alleviate the pain in her lower back that had been hurting for so long now that it was beginning to turn numb.

Anna had also gathered some sheets and towels, spreading them on the bed ready and there was a bowl of warm water and a cloth on the table for if the doctor needed them. Although with (Y/n) burning a rather high temperature a jug of ice cold water had been brought in to try and cool down her burning skin. Everyone in the house was grateful that the doctor had arrived so swiftly and seemed to have the situation completely under control.

It had come as a great shock and a terrible worry for everyone when the doctor arrived after (Y/n) collapsed, only to tell them that she was going into early labour. (Y/n) had gone through labour four times already but none of those times had been premature, she had either gone into labour the week of her due date or a week late.

Ben's mother Anna knew what a grave business it was to have a baby this premature and she knew that it wasn't a good sign for (Y/n) or the baby. She was already burning a high fever and had had a small bleed earlier, if any complications arose during this stressful labour (Y/n) could deteriorate or have a haemorrhage that could endanger her health. Not to mention how badly the baby was going to be affected by being born this early.

Ben pressed his free hand to (Y/n)'s neck, kissing the top of her head repeatedly to try and calm her down because he could do little else but provide support.

(Y/n) tightened her hand around his own as she moved so she was leaning back against the pillows instead of Ben, wishing she could sink and disappear into the feathered pillows. She could feel Anna dabbing at her neck and forehead with the ice cold water she had just retrieved from the bathroom but as soothing as it felt, it made (Y/n) feel like she was going into shock. She tried to scream but it came out rather defeated from the lack of energy and the searing pain.

"H-how much longer?" There was such a pleading tone to (Y/n)'s voice as she looked over at the doctor sitting by her knees.

He had been her doctor since before she had married Ben and he was the one to deliver all four of their children. Any complication that arose, he took care of and he was so kind and compassionate as well as skilled and he always knew what to do. It was calming to (Y/n) that he was here right now when it was clear that this wasn't going to go smoothly.

"Not much longer, (Y/n). The head will be born soon." His voice was calming and his expression was nothing but concerning as he looked level-headed and in control. But it was Ben who could see the fear behind the elder man's eyes. He could see the panic about the situation and the fear that if this went wrong, he would be the doctor who would have to sign a death certificate. He did not want to be the one to declare Ben's child dead, not when he knew what kind of a man Ben was.

Ben was a killer, he was a mobster in the doctor's eyes. He made people suffer, he had men who were loyal to him both because they respected him but majorly because they feared what he would do to them if they weren't. He played on fear and loved to punish people who annoyed, hurt, or went against him. The rings on his fingers were forever polished and cleaned because of the amount of blood that got splattered onto them, half of the tattoos on his body were symbols or death counts and he gained most of his money from going against the law.

But despite all of this, there was some part of Doctor Lloyd that had a slither of respect for Ben.

Maybe it was because he had seen how Ben was when he was around (Y/n). He treated her like she was the only good person in the world, the only person he ever wanted to see or talk to or who was worth anything to him. Whatever was troubling (Y/n) troubled Ben, whatever she was happy or excited about made him happy. Her happiness was what he strived for and the love he had for her was the only kind of love he had, no one else could bring out the good in him like she could.

Their four children were no exception either. Ben may sometimes be harsh with or around them, but they were loved and respected and brought up in a loving environment contrary to the kind of life Ben led. He loved his family, they were the one thing that meant everything to Ben and the one thing he held dear to him. And for that, Lloyd held respect for Ben.

He didn't want to see (Y/n) heartbroken beyond repair from losing a child and he did not want to find out how Ben would react to a loss like this.

No one knew exactly how long (Y/n) would be in labour for, the moment the doctor arrived and confirmed that there was nothing that could be done to prevent this, panic spread through the house. Ben was admittedly one of the many people who thought that since this was a very early and complicated labour, and the added fact that this was their fifth child, it would be quick. But they had been cooped up in this room for a day, none of them having eaten, slept, washed or changed in that time. All of them were too preoccupied in trying to alleviate the pain and terror (Y/n) was feeling.

Ben had barely gotten back from being out with his men when (Y/n) had suddenly collapsed in pain. He had called his mum to come and help and most of his men had left whereas his close workers had stayed to help with the kids and in case they could help with anything. Joe and Gwilym were Ben's closest friends as well as working under him, they were uncles to the kids so it was only natural that they would stay and look after them so Anna could help (Y/n) and the doctor. 

But now they were getting very close to having their baby in their arms and Ben didn't want this moment to arrive. As long as their baby was still in the womb they had more of a chance and a hope of them being alive and okay. If they were born this early, it was unlikely they were going to survive.

"Come on now (Y/n), another push for me."

(Y/n) did as asked, pressing her chin into her chest as she snapped her eyes closed, trying to ignore the pain that was consuming her but it didn't work very well. She wanted this to be over, she wanted their baby to be delivered right now or for this to wait another two months so everything would be alright.

(Y/n) jolted at the sudden feeling of the cold wash cloth pressing against her thighs but the cold temperature against her skin did feel nice.

"Another sheet." The doctor's voice was stern and ordering compared to his usual calm and caring demeanour, giving away that now his nerves were getting the better of him.

This man had delivered countless babies, dealt with many surgeries and complications and illnesses during his time as a doctor. He had sadly dealt with babies and even the mothers dying during childbirth, but this time it felt different. There was fear tugging at his heart this time, he felt as if something horrifying would take place if the child or even (Y/n) were to die, especially whilst their lives were placed into his hands. It was as if he had been given something so precious and he knew if he broke it, Ben would break him in return. He was the best doctor there was for this situation and he was the only doctor the couple wanted but that was terrifying for the man of sixty. He didn't want to see (Y/n), a lovely young woman he had known for some time, go through the grief of losing her baby or worse still, die herself.

Narrowing his eyes, Ben dared himself to lean forwards to look at what was making the doctor's defences go up but his breath caught in his throat when he realised why another sheet was needed. The one beneath (Y/n)'s legs was stained with blood.

The doctor briefly locked eyes with Ben before he focused back on the task at hand. He scrunched up the bloodied sheet and threw it on the floor with the used towels and flannels before he and Anna made quick work of placing the clean sheet beneath (Y/n)'s lower half. The amount of blood (Y/n) had shed onto the sheet was not a good sign that this was going smoothly like they were all praying.

Ben kept his eyes on the cream coloured sheet that had been placed beneath (Y/n)'s lower half, his nostrils flaring as he locked his jaw at seeing how quickly blood seemed to soak into it.

"I need some hot water bottles prepared."

At the doctor's command, Anna left the room to find one of Ben's workers who could make themselves useful by getting what the doctor required. There were four of Ben's men in the house, Joe and Gwilym were here to be with the kids and the other two were here for added help and security.

"Ben..."

"Shh, it's alright love. You'll be fine." Ben hushed, pressing his lips to her forehead as he brushed a few strands of hair behind her ear. She interlocked their hands together as her other hand pressed to her stomach, wishing the pain would go away. She could hear the firmness in Ben's tone that implied he was going to ensure she would be perfectly fine and although (Y/n) knew Ben couldn't make sure that happened, the determination in his voice soothed one of her many nerves.

"Push again for me, the head's almost born."

Ben hooked his arm around (Y/n)'s waist to help her sit up, his other hand still interlocked with her own. He moved her so she was leaning against his chest as (Y/n) both moaned and screamed at the agony that was tearing through her muscles. Letting out a sharp breath, (Y/n) closed her eyes as she buried her face into Ben's neck, feeling him muttering praise against the top of her head.

"Okay, the head's born."

With a deep breath, the doctor leaned across the bed and grabbed one of the towels resting near to Ben, but when their eyes locked panic spread through Ben's nerves at seeing the blood drenching the doctor's hands.

(Y/n) started to push again on the next contraction like the doctor had advised but she felt like she was becoming lightheaded. Ben kept his hand entwined with hers but moved his arms so they were wrapped around her waist, holding her to his chest. A scream that couldn't be heard in (Y/n)'s ears left her lips as her body convulsed on the last push that seemed to make such a weight drop from her previously heavy stomach and relieved a weight on her lower back.

The doctor nodded at Ben, a silent signal that the baby was born.

With a deep breath, he rested the tiny, wrinkled baby onto the blanket on his lap, watching the tiny being curl up like it was trying to pretend to still be in the womb. He rubbed his hand up and down the newborn's back, keeping the towel tightly round the tiny newborn to make sure they didn't get a chill into their weak system.

"You have another boy." The doctor looked between the restless couple, one of whom was losing all the colour in her features as she was cradled by her other half.

"Is he...?" Ben couldn't find it in himself to say the question that had been plaguing him since the moment (Y/n) felt the first pain of labour. Their baby could have been stillborn, have any number of complications or illnesses from being this early or worst of all, could die as soon as the first breath entered their lungs. Ben didn't know which was worse.

He had three boys and one girl and somehow he just knew this baby was going to be a boy to make sure that his little girl stayed his one and only princess. Ben loved having boys, he loved little versions of him running around the place but his Lilah was his little girl that he doted on. But it didn't matter to him that he had won the bet he and (Y/n) had over the gender of their fifth child. He cared whether their youngest child was okay and if they were going to survive. They had never lost or come close to losing any of their babies and Ben did not want to start now.

"He's breathing, but very shallow... I'm afraid there is very little I can do for him. Time will give tell his fate."

The doctor made quick work of cutting the umbilical cord before he pressed his stethoscope to the newborn's chest, listening to his frail but beating heart. Very little in the ways of medicine could be done for a baby that was born early, opiates wouldn't do much but quieten the baby down and make the newborn less likely to feed which isn't what they needed. Any medicine would be too strong for such a frail baby, especially one who was only just born. Steroids may help him develop but there was no telling what it would do to his system when he was already do weak and frail. Hospital wouldn't be able to do anything but put him in a warm incubator to regulate his temperature and watch to see if the baby would survive or become too weak to continue fighting.

When there was a timid knock at the door, Anna was quick to retrieve the hot water bottles from one of Ben's workers before shooing him away from the room. Not wanting him to catch a glimpse of the couple or their newborn in peril.

"Right, the hot water bottles need to be placed around (Y/n)'s abdomen to help stem the bleeding. And one should be wrapped in a towel and placed against the baby's back. Take him and keep him warm, do not leave him for a second, he must be watched over, these first few hours are crucial."

Anna busied herself setting the hot water bottles against (Y/n)'s stomach, dotting one either side of her lower stomach and one under her lower back. The heat should help soothe her skin even though she was running a fever and it was hoped to help stem the bleeding.

But just as Anna was about to move and take the newborn from the doctor's waiting arms, she stopped in fright when Ben's hand held her shoulder to stop her.

"I'll take him."

Ben's voice was so stern but it was frightening to hear the way his voice cracked as he spoke. He wanted his boy, he wanted his baby in his arms to make sure he was okay and so he could look after him properly and personally. Ben loved his mother, despite their differences she was like (Y/n) in the sense that she knew exactly what he got up to but she paid no mind to it. She treated him normally like he was a simple family man and just like he was her son, she was here to love and help him and his family. But right now, Ben wanted to be the one to hold his baby boy for his first few hours and to watch over him in case he didn't make it.

Each time that Ben had held his children for the first time, the pride, love and overwhelming emotion that swarmed his usually black heart always made him breathless and teary. But it was how delicate, breakable and deathly sick his baby boy was that was making Ben want to cry. If he settled his baby boy down in a cot for even a minute, he could easily pass away without their knowledge. For the next few days or even weeks, the newborn was going to have to be closely watched and monitored, if he even managed to survive more than a few hours.

The hot water bottle pressed against the blanket was burning against Ben's left arm but he barely felt the heat, all he could feel was how weightless his son was in his arms. Theo had been a big baby weighing just over eight pounds, then they had James who was seven pounds eight ounces. Beckett was six pounds five ounces and Lilah was exactly six pounds. But all of them had been a loving weight in Ben's arms, unlike the baby he was holding now who could barely be more than four pounds if he was lucky. His head was small and his body was wrinkled and trembling. His hand could barely wrap around Ben's index finger.

The newborn was grey in colour with fluids and a substantial amount of blood coating his fresh but very delicate skin. Ben rested his youngest child in the crook of his arm, making sure he was supported and stable before he dared to dab at the newborn's skin with a warm, damp cloth. He knew to be careful, not wanting to brush his skin too hard and remove any of the delicate and needed layers, but he wanted to clean the blood and fluids from his baby.

It sounded as if his boy was trying to cry but all that came out was a cough that cackled like there was static in his lungs. But all that mattered to Ben was that he was alive and he was trying to stay that way, showing them he had a voice no matter how fragile it was.

Ben's eyes diverted from his baby to his wife when a quiet moan left (Y/n)'s lips and he realised it was because the doctor had given her an injection in her lower stomach.

The sheet beneath (Y/n) was yet again changed, meaning two sheets and God knows how many towels were now going to be burned with how blood-stained they were. That was nothing new to the family with Ben's line of work and what he got up to. Ben could see (Y/n) was still bleeding but it didn't look as substantial as it had been a few minutes earlier.

His wife had turned as pale and bleak as the damp cream ceiling above them, her eyes were half-lidded, swollen and red. Her lips were cracked and her breathing was going from erratic to shallow more times than Ben dared to think about. But she looked more at ease and she was no longer in tremendous pain. Anna and doctor Lloyd helped to ease (Y/n) so she was laying down rather than sitting up and they made sure she was wrapped up in blankets and the hot water bottles were soothing her scorching skin.

When Ben locked eyes with the doctor, he kept his tiny newborn resting in his arms and carefully got to his feet, moving over so he was standing near to the door to have a word with the doctor.

"I gave (Y/n) something that will stop the bleeding but she's lost a lot of blood, she needs plenty of fluids and any food you can manage to get down her. If her fever burns any higher or she suddenly goes cold and into shock then call me straight away. Other than that, she needs rest and to be taken care of which I know you will do."

"And my boy?" Ben gently moved his arms to motion to the newborn he was cradling.

"Ben, I- I don't think he will make it to morning, his lungs aren't developed enough and it's making breathing a struggle. If he makes it through the night then I'll assess him tomorrow and we can talk about further steps. I'm so sorry.."

Lloyd could see that his words had brought out the darker, defensive side of Ben that arose when his family were threatened. His upper lip curled in disgust and the way his emerald eyes darkened made Lloyd shrink before the taller man. Ben gave off a very worrying aura but right now with his nose crinkled, his lips snarling like a rabid dog and his shoulders hunched, the only thing making the doctor feel safe was the baby in Ben's arms that looked very out of place.

"I know you have to prepare people for the worst, but I don't want my son talked about as if he's a lost cause already. He's here in my arms and he's breathing so he is your patient and you have a duty to care for him now, not tomorrow or the next day. What can I do?"

Ben's son was breathing, his heart was beating and he was curling up into the warmth Ben was providing. He wasn't dead nor was he really dying, at least not yet, so Ben wanted to talk as if his son had the best chance of survival. He wanted to know what he could do to help, even if it was just something small or seemingly insignificant.

"Keep him warm, if his breathing sounds croaky then rub his back to keep his lungs going. If he makes it more than a few hours then a first feed will give you a good chance, don't leave him unattended even if he's sleeping always hold him. I'll be back tomorrow afternoon, unless you call me before then."

Ben nodded, turning his back when Anna moved to show the doctor out and thank him for all the help and support he had provided over the past day.

All Ben cared about now was the baby he was cradling in his arms who was breathing and whimpering into Ben's lower chest. The newborn was no longer trembling and his breathing was a little more even and paced, if still croaky and a bit forced. He was alive and he was settling in Ben's arms, he wasn't in pain or slipping away or already dead and that was all Ben could wish for right now and it was more than enough for him.

With a tired sigh, Ben eased himself down into the chair next to the window that allowed him to be within the sight of the moon but still close to (Y/n)'s side in case she needed anything and just so he could keep a watch over her.

He brushed his finger over his son's cheek, wishing that his touch would somehow bring colour to the flesh and that he could soothe his boy and hope he knew who was holding him.

"You're our fourth boy, you know. I've got an army of boys and one little princess to spoil and look after. We've had four babies and not lost any of them, I'll die first before losing any of my kids. You'll be okay."