#anywaaaaaay need to write sometime soon

[scnderlands]

I always end up back to red and black themes 😔

[only-sunday]

Let me give you a little back ground into who I actually am besides the already established manic-depressive (perfectionist was also discussed in therapy today. yay.) and you know.. a Leo. 

So I am exactly two weeks away from the ripe old age of 22 years old. I was born in a small town just outside of Newcastle where i spent my life growing right up until my 19th birthday when I got really, really drunk and decided that moving to the Gold Coast in Queensland would be a “really sick idea dude!”, so I pilled my childhood bedroom into my trusty Corolla and off I went.  I began my year here deferring my online uni degree in public relations (a degree I had decided on doing in a round about way a real long time before actually starting) to get settled in my new place which quickly turned into not wanting to go back to online study at all  and instead I applied for an internship as an assistant to a Public Relations specialist who ran a consultancy from the inside of her 120 square foot home office as an attempt to get into the business  working my way up instead of studying my way up. Turns out- that fucking sucked! ( Don't get me wrong my boss was cool but I had no idea what I was doing half the time so I spent most days pretending to work and secretly utilising the texting function on my laptop to talk to my friends about meeting up at our fav bar later that day to drink endless pints of beer) But! naive me thought maybe it was just that particular setting so instead I enrolled my butt into on campus uni to start a Bachelor of Arts with a major in PR. This is where I thrived in every single subject I took BESIDES the ones related to PR but I still continued to tell myself everything was okay.  I got a job working as a barista, a job I still have and a job I still hate but its okay cause it pays my bills and works around uni well and I've met some of the greatest friends I ever could have imagined through it. (these are the things I tell myself on repeat while I'm getting ready at 7am or while I’m dealing with piece of shit asshole customers. “I love my job, I NEED my job” etc.) I do also have a mild coffee addiction so there's always that to keep me going. 

Eventually, however, my chemically imbalanced brain took over things slowly began to fall apart. I was obviously miserable at uni and clearly not doing what I was supposed to be doing. Work got gradually worse as my friends began to move on to bigger and better things - amazing for them! devastating for me! I had a relationship that almost ruined me and my depression took over so intensely that when I finally worked up the courage to speak to someone the first thing the doctor says to me was “hmm sounds like borderline agoraphobia to me”.  I mean I really don't want to get too deep into my 2018 Brittany breakdown right now but just imagine never leaving the house, like, ever, calling random family members every day to just hysterically cry about nothing, all my hair falling out, the works. Honestly it was fucking rough. 

But then came “the change”. That Leo season change that fixes everything! 

----SIDE NOTE : Again, I'm not trying to discount my own hard work and the gut wrenching pain that I went through not only in this extremely dark time but also the pain I went through trying to make things better for myself but sometimes its easy to deal with our feeling through comedy and for me this comes through my little astrology/Leo season joke. I know it fake but its my small hope I hold onto - like shooting stars or preying or whatever the fuck you need to do to cope

I started going to therapy- a rocky start but eventually figured out. I made a decision to change my degree. I took my long time love of true crime & murder and combined it with my intense fascination with the human brain and decided to go all out on a DOUBLE degree of psychological science/ criminology & criminal justice. Fun right! To be honest I’d never even thought of putting my crime love into a degree or a career, I just thought I was destined to be the weird kid at the party that actually gets enjoyment from spouting endless gory facts about some really, really fucked up shit. I also did that whole dumb thing of “Well I’m super, SUPER interested in the human brain and all aspects of psychology and how it works and even the physical brain like neuroscience and stuff but oh no way I couldn't study it I'm nowhere near smart enough for that stuff” WHAT THE FUCK! THATS SUCH BULLSHIT! Heads up whoever the heck ends up reading this- if this is regularly your answer to stuff- you're wrong! Have a little faith in yourself and fuck anyone who tells you otherwise and fuck anything that tries to get in your way! A little faith and you'll achieve good things.  Now one of the reasons I love Leo Season if because of the unwavering self confidence that usually comes with it. Don't get me wrong I'm still probably the most insecure person you’ll ever meet but during Leo Season there's just this BOOST that happens and suddenly I feel like my real personality starts to actually shine on through. That pink loving, should-have -grown-up-in-the-80′s gal comes out and I feel like the girl having fun who inspired Cyndi to write that song I love oh so much. For example, one night I got super dressed up in my fav very 80s outfit, threw on my favourite over embellished oxfords, some dramatic lightening bolt earrings and I took myself on a date to see the gorgeous Sigourney Weaver in Aliens. Later that night I decide that I loved my own company and my own idea of fun so much that I changed the notes on my dating profile that essentially stated ‘don't bother if you're not this great’ and included a rule about must being willing to sit though endless horror, cult classics and literally anything Winona Ryder has ever starred in. A few days later I recieved a message “But what's your favourite Winona film?” which as it turns out came from the most amazing, generous, funny, gorgeous, sweetest, most perfect, most brilliant, most caring, most phenomenal girl in the entire history, ever was ever will be. 2 months later we moved in together.  Leo Season man! It really does it to ya!  So anywaaaaaays. Here I am, a year later, enjoying the first days of the seasonal change and getting ready to conquer some great shit and doing it all looking great wearing the most amazing, tackiest 80s loving shit. I didn't realise I could talk this much about myself and honestly I haven't even finished! We still have to cover all my interest - id say like 5 essays per interest, and LORD HELP YOU when we start talking politics cause baby I got some shit. to. say.  But I guess all of this will do for now. Talk soon x