#anytime i get immortal characters i will immediately go for the angst of immortality that is bound in flesh somehow

[rocksanddeadflowers]

so i've been listening to elysian fields way too much lately and thinking how fucked up that song is for the mechs to perform. like put death to the mechanisms out of your head (bc that basically didn't happen yet with udad) and listen.

they're immortal. they can't die. the song is all about the sweet release of death, and arguably a gentle one at that, cradled in the fields on a world were nature ceases, next to the grave of your deceased beloved. it's a beautiful song, and arguably, ulysses got their happy ending.

the mechanisms don't get that, though. most didn't even get the option of keeping mortality. they're stuck on the mortal plane, in flesh and metal, with no escape or release within reach.

their finale performance of this album is the bittersweet comfort of mortality and endings, something they're well aware they will never be granted.

[danandphilsecretsanta]

Amaranthine

To: @Daylightphil

Summary: amaranthine (adj.): undying, immortal; eternally beautiful. (Or the one where Dan and Phil get separated two times but somehow still find a way to get a happy ending.) Genre: Fluff, a tiny bit of angst Warnings: Swear words (I actually forgot if I put them in there but knowing me I probably did), mentioned original character death, mentions of cancer (but there aren’t any mentions of gore or needles or anything bloody, so I hope you’re still comfortable with it!) A/N: Made as a secret santa gift for @daylightphil ! The prompt given to me was a spaceman au, but somehow it drifted to this! I hope you enjoy it anyway! Hope you enjoyed your holidays! 

Phil is ten when he first takes a trip to the observatory. He knows he shouldn’t be straying from the group, and should instead be listening to the tour guide and paying attention to the actual trip, but he can’t seem to stray his eyes away from the fact that behind the ’Restricted Area: Employees Only’ sign sits a boy in a school uniform - and there is no doubting the fact that he is younger than Phil.  But despite that fact, the boy seems to think he belongs in there, if the way he spins on one of those spinning chair in front of a desk full of buttons (and Phil is certain one of them could make the planet explode) is any sign. And the little curly haired boy in front of those desks is a safety hazard if Phil ever saw it.  (And Phil should know about safety hazards. He’s been lectured about them - and even been called one, at times.)  So Phil, in what he himself prides himself in saying is an act of courage, takes another look at the tour guide to make sure he isn’t looking before sprint walking over to the boy, leaning over the chain holding the sign, and taps him on the shoulder.  “Pst.” Phil whispers. “I don’t think you’re allowed in there. See, it says ’Restricted Area: For Employees’.” The little boy stops in his spinning and turns around, and Phil finds a pair of innocent brown eyes blinking at him in confusion. “Aren’t you not allowed here?"  Phil pauses, and then pouts. "Yeah, but,” he shakes his head, and looks back at the boy, a decisive look in his eyes, “I’m only here because I’m helping you not get in trouble!"  "Why am I going to get into trouble?” the boy asks, cocking his head. “Did I do anything wrong?"  "Yeah. You’re in there,” The little boy follows Phil’s fingers to a spot below his chair, “and you’re supposed to be here,” the finger and the boy’s gaze travels to a spot beside Phil’s feet, and then the boy looks up at Phil again, “so yeah, maybe you should come here?"  "But Daddy said I should stay here.” the boy frowns, and then he gives a little gasp, leaning away from Phil and narrowing his eyes. “And not to talk to strangers!"  Phil opens his mouth to argue, but then closes it again promptly, his little mind having run out of ideas and the patience to convince this kid to change his mind.  "Fine, don’t say I didn’t warn you, though.” Phil harrumphs, and he gives the kid one last steely look - which doesn’t really do anything, seeing as the kid has his back turned to Phil - before turning back to rejoin his classmates.  That is, if they were still there.  Phil’s mouth turns into a little ‘o’ shape and he darts his head to each edge of the room he’s in for any sign that his class hasn’t just left him there, but there aren’t any uniform-clad kids his age.  Nor are there any snooty teachers or overexcited tour guides.  Against Phil’s wishes, his lower lip trembles and his vision blurs (not the sort of blur that means he’s misplaced his glasses, but the sort of blur that means there are tears in his eyes), but before he can open his mouth to let out a sob (or a wail), he hears something that makes him stop.  A laugh.  And if Phil isn’t laughing, there’s only one person that laugh could be coming from.  Phil’s fists clench and he grits his teeth, turning around to give this little kid a piece of his mind for getting him in trouble too -  “Oh, hello, who are you?"  A man in a lab coat smiles kindly down at Phil, and in his arms he carries the giggling kid that Phil had just been ready to push off his little chair. Phil’s eyes dart to and from the man and the kid and makes the connection - they’re father and son.  A blush spreads across Phil’s cheeks as he realizes the kid had probably been telling the truth - why wouldn’t he be safe behind the restricted area chains when his father was one of the astronomers in the observatory?  Phil clears his throat, hiding his hands behind his back before answering, "My name’s Phil Lester."  The man smiles again before lowering himself to Phil’s height, setting down his son beside him. "I’m Dr. James Howell, and I think you’ve met my son Daniel?"  "Dan!” his son whines, and Dr. Howell chuckles before ruffling his son’s hair.  “Right, sorry, I forgot, he likes to be called Dan.” he explains to Phil, and Phil gives Dan a small smile.  “My real name is Philip, but I like to be called Phil so I know how you feel.” he says, voice small, hoping his unspoken apology gets through to the little kid.  Fortunately for him, Dan flashes him a huge, innocent smile, and Dr. Howell chuckles before turning back to Phil and noticing his uniform.  “Wait, Philip Michael Lester?” Dr. Howell asks, and Phil looks up at him with wide eyes, nodding quickly.  “How do you know my name?” Phil asks.  Dr. Howell winces before picking up his son and taking Phil’s hand. “You’re the kid that’s missing from the field trip! Your teachers have been looking all over for you, Phil, we better get going!"  Phil follows dutily, looking around the observatory with wide eyes as they pass more restricted areas. Dr. Howell looks down, chuckling as he sees the look of wonder on the child’s face.  "You know, Dan comes here every day.” Dr. Howell comments, smiling when Phil looks up with a tint of jealousy and curiousity in his eyes. “As soon as he was old enough to understand where I worked, he wouldn’t stop pleading until I allowed him to come with me.” He smiles again, and then turns to Dan, who had been watching the exchange quietly. “And why was that, buddy?"  "Because of the stars!” Dan exclaims, arms outstretched as he giggles, and Phil watches as his arms fall onto his father’s shoulders and wrap securely around his neck.  “So you like the stars, then?” Phil asks, and Dan’s brown eyes turn to him and he nods vigurously.  Dr. Howell chuckles again. “And why do you like the stars, Dan?"  "Because they light up the night sky and not make it seem so scary.” Dan says. “Plus they make really good pictures and stories!"  "Stories?” Phil asks, and Dr. Howell laughs.  “Constellations is what Dan means.” he explains to Phil. “You see, most constellations have very interesting myths behind them - or stories that people made up about the images that the stars made, back when there wasn’t science to explain them."  "I thought they were just named after old boring people.” Phil mumbles.  “You’ll have to allow me and Dan to tell you some of the myths behind them one day.” Dr. Howell smiles. Phil looks up at him - they’ve come to a halt, so Phil can see Dr. Howell more properly - and he’s certain his eyes light up as he nods frantically. “You really think you could?"  Dr. Howell opens his mouth to answer, but is interrupted by a, "Philip! Oh, there you are!”, and they all turn to see Phil’s teacher, heels clicking loudly against the floor as she runs over to Phil and takes him by the hand.  “Thank you so much, Sir, we’ve been looking everywhere for him!” she says, and Phil winces as her grip gets tighter. “Where did you go, you naughty child?"  "Ah, uhm, that would be my fault.” Dr. Howell says, startling both Phil and his teacher as they both look up at him in shock and anticipation at what he’ll say next. “Phil here had to listen to me drone on and on about the myths behind the different constellations -  I wouldn’t even had noticed the time if my son hadn’t told me. It’s my entire fault Phil got left behind, I’m sorry."  "Oh.” Phil’s teacher says, and Phil’s still too busy looking at Dr. Howell like he’s grown three heads to notice the wink that the astronomer sends his way when his teacher isn’t looking.  When he looks up again, Dan is grinning at him, too, as if they share a little secret, and looks at Phil’s teacher before putting up a finger up to his mouth. Phil grins and gives Dan a subtle nod, and the three of them share a small smile (Dr. Howell’s is more of a smile that says he finds the children’s antics endearing) before putting on extremely sad faces for Phil’s teacher.  “Right.” she says again, and it takes everything within Phil not to laugh at the absolutely distraught expression she has on. “Well, uh - thank you again, Dr. Howell, we’ll be on our way now."  "No problem at all.” Dr. Howell chirps merrily, and he grins down at Phil. “I’ll see you around then, Phil?"  Phil’s mouth quivers. He wants to tell Dr. Howell that no, he won’t be seeing Phil around anytime soon, they’re moving up north soon, but he knows the proper way to answer that question is to smile and nod, so that’s what he does.  "Great!” Dr. Howell grins, and then he turns to Dan, looking at his son expectantly. “Well, say goodbye for now, Dan."  "Goodbye for now, Dan.” Dan repeats in an extremely serious tone, and Phil splutters out a laugh - is Dr. Howell sure his son is six? He sounds like Phil’s brother Martyn, and Martyn’s a teenager more than double Dan’s age.  “I’ve been meaning to talk to him about that.” Dr. Howell explains to Phil’s teacher, who’s decided she’s had enough and proceeds to walk away with Phil in tow after giving Dr. Howell one last skeptical glance.  Once Phil’s seated on the bus with his classmates, he immediately makes his way to the window and presses his face against it to stare at the observatory, and his eyes light up when he sees his two friends standing outside it.  Dan’s eyes light up, and then he giggles and waves at Phil from where he’s sat in his father’s arms. Dr. Howell is still smiling at Dan affectionately, but when he turns his face to Phil, just as Phil is waving back to Dan, there’s a mischevious twinkle to his gaze, as if he knows something Phil doesn’t.  (When Martyn asks Phil how the field trip went on their way home, he doesn’t expect his little brother to stare at him with such a happy gaze and whisper the words, “Amazing.” in a tone Martyn has only heard his parents use upon referring to one another.)  _________________________________________________________ 

Dan is fifteen when he notices something different about the group he’s touring around the observatory.  After Dan had passed the age of twelve, his father’s coworkers had noticed how much Dan knew about the observatory and the celestial bodies they observed - certainly more than any paid tour guide, that was certain. So they had offered Dan, a twelve year old nerd who willingly spent all his free time at an observatory, a job as a tour guide.  Dan had accepted immediately upon hearing how much he would be paid.  Dr. Howell had at first been reluctant, telling Dan that, as his father, he couldn’t let his twelve year old son feel like he had to take a job to help with the finances, but Dan had just smiled and told his father that he wanted to help, and that he was doing this as payment for all the things his father had done for him.  He hadn’t missed the tears in his father’s eyes after he had said that.  Of course Dan knew how hard it was for his father to be a single parent, how hard it was to go to the day, trying to forget about why he was alone only to stumble upon his child and be hit with the fact that this child’s mother was gone and nothing could bring her back, how hard it was to once have someone who was worth more than all the stars in the sky and then have them taken away from you.  Besides, Dan had said, trying to cheer his father up, this would be a fantastic opportunity for Dan to be more familiar around the observatory. He was, after all, going to be working in it when he grew up, if everything went according to plan.  The tours Dan conducted were easy enough to handle, anyway. Dan never had any complications, because the guests were either busy gushing over how cute he was because he was a kid giving them a tour, or they were busy trying to get over the shock that a kid knew all this spare information.  However, this tour group proved to be different - and that was only because this one guy at the back of the group couldn’t seem to stop staring at Dan.  Dan had noticed it at the start of the tour, how a teenage boy older than him had frantically taken out his earphones when Dan had introduced himself and then proceeded to stare at Dan and follow his every movement.  A half hour later and nearing the end of the tour and he’s still doing it. “Any questions?” Dan asks, shifting his weight from side to side and clenching and unclenching his fists as he catches the guy staring at him again.   Thankfully for Dan, the group doesn’t have any questions, so he grins and claps his hands together, thanking them for being a wonderful audience and directing them to the gift shop.  As he’s fidgeting with his microphone, someone comes up to him and taps his shoulder. Dan puts on a smile and turns around, ready to ask this guest what he can help them with, when his face falls and he registers who’s come up to talk to him.  “Can I, um, help you?” Dan asks, but his hands are already itching to grab the walkie-talkie that’s clipped onto the back pocket of his pants and request for a guard to take this guy out.  It seems he gets the message across, though, because the guy’s eyes widen (How are they three different colors at the same time?, Dan thinks for a moment) and he takes a step back and puts his hand up to rub the back of his neck awkwardly.  “Uh, I guess I’ve been weirding you out this whole time, sorry.” the guy says, sounding genuinely apologetic - Dan doesn’t think stalkers have that much talent in them to sound that genuine, so he takes the risk.  “No, it’s fine.” Dan smiles. “Just, uh, why were you looking at me like that?"  "Well, I was just curious if you’re who I think you  are, so I’ve been meaning to ask, is your last name Howell, by any chance?"  The hairs on Dan’s arms stand up and Dan struggles not to take a step backward in fear, but he’s certain it shows on his face and the guy’s eyes widen in fear as he puts up his hands, palms facing Dan.  "No, no, no, I promise I’m not stalking you!” he exclaims, sounding desperate.  “Sounds like something a stalker would say, not going to lie.” Dan laughs nervously, and he takes in a not so subtle gulp of air. “But yeah, my name’s Dan Howell, how’d you know?"  "Would you believe it if I told you I met you nine years ago?"  Dan frowns. "You met me when I was six?"  "Sounds about right, you looked six at the time.” the guy grins. “My name’s Phil Lester, by the way - I got lost in this observatory when I was ten and your father helped me get back to my group and also got me out of trouble."  Dan’s eyes widen in recognition and he almost knocks over a shelf of snowglobes (why are snowglobes in an observatory gift shop? Dan will never understand) as he comically gasps. "You’re the kid who thought I was playing around in the employees only area!"  Phil grins, looking relieved. "Hey, yeah! I’m so relieved you remember - and that you’re the same Dan! I almost didn’t recognize you with that brown hair."  Dan giggles. "Will you believe it turned brown on its own?” he challenges, and then his gaze shifts to Phil’s own black locks. “What happened to your hair, why’s it dark as the night  sky?"  Phil mumbles something along the lines of, "dark as the night sky, never heard that before” before grinning at Dan sheepishly. “Yeah, I dyed it black a few months ago and decided I’d keep it that way. What do you think, maybe it’ll get me a good first impression at university?"  Ah, so he’s going into university soon, Dan thinks, smiling at Phil endearingly. He wants to tell Phil that he looks like a nerd, but the guy looks so hopeful that he just nods and grins, not helping the way his grin grows bigger when Phil’s grin grows wider at Dan’s approval.  "You know, you never did come around to coming over so me and my dad could tell you about the constellations.” Dan casually reminds Phil, and just like that, his smile drops.  “Aw, yeah, I know.” Phil pouts. “I honestly would’ve if I could, but we moved up to Manchester a few weeks after that."  Dan lets out a low whistle at the sound of Manchester. "Explains the Northern accent.” he nods, and Phil hums.  “Yeah, you should hear my brother’s. It’s like he’s been living there all his life.” he grins.  Dan apparently really should, because suddenly a man in his early twenties shouts to Phil and tells him he’s got five minutes to pick a souvenier and then they’re leaving, and when Phil informs him that was his brother, Dan can’t help but agree that if Phil hadn’t told him that was his brother, he would have assumed that he had been living up north his entire life.  “But your brother’s right, you really do need to pick out a souvenier, especially if you don’t know when you’ll be back.” Dan gently chides Phil, and he smiles when the older juts his bottom lip out.  “Aw, but there’s so many things to choose!” Phil whines. “I can’t just pick one!"  "Just pick something that will remind you of this place. Or something that’ll make you happy when you look at it.” Dan suggests, and he supposed that does the trick because Phil perks up.  But then he grabs Dan by the hand and then drags him to a very familiar spot (precisely where ten year old Phil had met six year old Dan  for the first time) and then asks him to sit in the chair behind the chains and try to look as much like a six year old as he can, and Dan blushes - Phil wants a picture of them together as his souvenier. “And I’ll stand here and look like I’m really mad at you, what do you think?” Phil asks, and Dan just grins and tells Phil to go ahead.  They take the picture (Dan can feel the other employees staring at them curiously and he knows he’s bound to tell them later) and then Dan gets off the chair so he’s standing in front of Phil, and they laugh at the picture.  “Oh, God, that’s exactly how mad you looked like when you saw me!” Dan laughs.  “And you actually look like you’re six again!” Phil retorts back, dodging the push Dan means to give him. He smiles at Dan as he pockets his phone. “Well, I guess I better be going, then."  Dan feels a surge of disappointment run through him. "You didn’t even get to see my dad again, he would’ve loved to see you.” he mentions.  Phil smiles sadly. “It’s a long trip to Manchester.” he says by way of excuse. “But send Dr. Howell my regards, okay?"  "I will.” Dan smiles. “Good luck at university."  "Thanks.” Phil grins. “Good luck in school too, I guess."    They share a smile for a few minutes, and Dan wants to ask Phil for his number or maybe his Facebook or Twitter, but then he hears a shrill voice that is probably Phil’s mother shout out that they need to leave, and Phil fixes him an apologetic smile. "Better get going then.” Phil apologizes. “Thanks for the tour, you’re doing great."  "I appreciate the compliment.” Dan grins.  “See you around?” Phil calls, even if he’s at the other end of the room already.  Dan chuckles. “See you around, Phil!” he calls back, and Phil puts up a hand to wave - and then he’s gone.  And Dan’s alone.  The brunet goes back to fidgeting with his microphone for a while, a stupid smile on his face, but then he hears a voice going, “You know, there’s a reason why the saying, 'Don’t fix what isn’t broken’ exists, Dan.” and he tenses up.  “Just checking.” Dan says, and the voice lets out a low chuckle.  “Are you sure about that, son?” and Dan looks up to find his father looking down at him expectantly - it’s enough to make Dan hide his face in embarassment.  “I don’t know what you’re talking about, Dad.” Dan mumbles, and Dr. Howell laughs before ruffling his son’s hair affectionately (despite his protests).  “Can you believe it’s been nine years since I’ve seen that kid?” Dr. Howell asks, and Dan knows exactly who he’s talking about. “Time actually really does go really fast."  "Dad, you’re starting to sound really old again, quit it.” Dan warns.  Dr. Howell rolls his eyes. “Daniel James Howell, you of all people know I can’t quit sounding old."  "Alright, then just stop being so sappy.” Dan tries again. “And don’t look at me like that, Dad - I’ve met him twice.”   “And his souvenier was a picture of both of you together after you told him to get something that made him happy.” Dr. Howell says, raising an eyebrow at his son.  “Dad, we talked for like three minutes!” Dan exclaims, exasperated.  “It only took three minutes for you to get that flustered? Wow.”   “Dad!"  "You know, maybe I could ask Phil for some advice, get some dates or maybe a few numbers?"  "Oh my God, Dad, I am actually going to make you disown me so that I don’t have to live with this every day."  (When Dan goes to check his Facebook that night, he searches for Phil and somehow manages to find him. He finds their photo from earlier, too, captioned 'Found an old friend! Best trip ever 😄’ and considers liking it, or maybe sending Phil a message, but then ultimately decides against it. Phil would have had offered it if he wanted Dan to message him.)  _________________________________________________________ 

Phil is twenty six when he visits the observatory again.  There are eyebags under his eyes as dark as his hair and he wants to pull his hair out because God, these kids he’s chaperoning are frustrating, and he truly must not be okay because he doesn’t notice where he is until he turns his head to the side to check who’s humming, and he’s sure his jaw drops to his feet. There’s a gorgeous man standing in line for what looks like a coffee machine, humming happily to himself as he waits for his turn. He’s wearing a midnight blue sweater and dark jeans and shoes that are lighting up with every tap his feet make, but what catches his eye is the nametag hanging from his neck that very clearly says, "Dan Howell, Intern”.  How the fuck did Dan get that hot in seven years? What?“Phil?” Phil’s co-teacher calls, jolting him out of his thoughts. “Hey, you okay?"  "Oh, uh, yeah.” Phil lies, eyes shifting to where Dan is still stood, and he decides it’s worth lying one more time. “Uh, hey, I might need to go home soon. I’d hate to leave you with all these kids, but uh, I don’t feel too well and wouldn’t want the kids catching what I have."  "Aw, Phil.” his co-teacher says, and Phil feels bad for lying. “Alright, go ahead and get some rest, don’t worry about the kids."  "Thanks a lot.” Phil says, still holding on to the whole 'I’m sick’ act until the group makes it into the other room.  That’s when Phil sprints as fast as a healthy man can to where Dan has just finished filling up his mug.  “Dan Howell?” he asks timidly, hands on his knees and out of breath, and Dan turns around with wide eyes and Phil grins, nostalgia flooding through his body.  “Phil Lester!” Dan exclaims, and he hurriedly puts down his mug before hugging Phil tight. “Holy shit, look at you!"  "Dan, look at you!” Phil exclaims back, the grin on his face seemingly permanent. “You’re so different - and you’re an intern!"  "Yep!” Dan exclaims proudly. “After I graduated, I was told I would need to work as an intern for a few years and then take an exam, but after that I get to work as an astronomer permanently!”   “That’s amazing!” Phil grins. “And I guess you’ll finally be seeing more of me - I just moved back and I’m a teacher at my old school!"  "Phil!” Dan gasps, and then he hugs Phil tight for the second time. His frame is shaking, and when he lets go he gives Phil an apologetic smile. “Sorry, I’m just really happy to see you! It’s been seven years, oh my God.” Dan looks back up, a familair glint in his eyes. “You should go see my dad, he’s -"  "Really wondering where that coffee went."  Dan blushes and Phil grins as they come face to face with a bemused Dr. Howell, who chuckles as he takes his coffee from his son. "Ten year old Phil Lester.” the now elderly astronomer says. “How old are you now?"  "Uh, twenty six, Dr. Howell.” Phil smiles, and Dr. Howell nods.  “Dan is twenty two, if you were wondering.” Dan and Phil both blush, sending each other shy looks all of a sudden, making Dr. Howell scoff. “Oh, don’t look at each other like that, pretending you both don’t follow each other on every social media account possible."  Dan grows a bright red as Phil turns to him with wide eyes and a small blush of his own. "Dad!” Dan hisses, and Dr. Howell smirks before coming to stand beside Dan.  (Phil notices, silently, how Dan is now taller than his father.)  “In all seriousness, you really have grown, Phil.” Dr. Howell comments. “And congratulations on the job at the school. If anyone can handle those kids, it’s you."  "I guess I’ll just have to keep checking for any kids wandering toward restricted areas.” Phil jokes, and the three of them all share a laugh. “I never did get to thank you for helping me out, Dr. Howell."  "Pay me by taking Dan out for a walk one of these days.” Dr. Howell says, much to Dan’s horror. “He doesn’t get out much often."  "Dad, oh my God.” Dan groans, putting his head in his hands. Dr. Howell opts for an innocent look, but Phil knows that he’s playing with his son at this point.  So he plays along.  “Uh, about that, Dr. Howell.” Phil says. “Do you think I could talk to Dan in private? I was going to ask him something personal."  Dan peeks up at him from behind his fingers, and Dr. Howell smiles at them endearingly - the way he did back when Dan and Phil were little kids. "Of course, don’t mind me, I was just going to get my coffee.” he smiles. “It was nice seeing you again, Phil."  "You too, Dr. Howell.” Phil says politely, and once he’s out, he turns to Dan, who has finally lifted his head up from his hands but is still as red as a tomato.  “Sorry.” Dan groans. “Dad’s like that. He thinks it’s his sole duty to embarass me."  "Dads are like that.” Phil agrees, and they sit in dead silence for a minute. Dan clears his throat. “So, uh, what was the thing you wanted to talk about?"  "Oh, right!” Phil perks up, as if he’s just remembered. “Yeah, uh, what’s this I hear about you not getting enough air?"  Dan groans again. "That’s all my dad’s been saying ever since I turned eighteen. It’s because I sort of maybe don’t find any reason to go outside much, what with the work and everything."  "Do you want a reason?” Phil asks, raising his eyebrows and waiting to see if Dan catches along.  “Do you want to give me one?” Dan challenges, and it’s proof enough.  Phil grins. “Would a date with me be a good reason? One that ends with us lying on our backs on a hill that faces the night sky so that we can see all the stars?"  "You had me at stars.” Dan sighs happily, and Phil giggles, causing Dan to frown and lean forward, worried he’s done something wrong. “What? What’s wrong?"  "Stars was at the end of the sentence, Dan.” Phil giggles uncontrollably. “Nice to know you would have said 'no’.” Dan’s expression changes in one second flat, and the next thing Phil knows, Dan has succeeded in shoving him in the arm and maybe it sort of hurts, but Dan’s attempt at trying not to laugh is too cute that it’s worth it.  They plan out the details of the date (what time Phil plans to pick up Dan, where Dan and Phil live, when and where it’s going to be, and what time they need to get back) quickly because Dan needs to get back to work, but he gives Phil a little peck on the cheek and whispers that he’s excited for their date.  (Phil recieves a call from his co-teacher asking if he’s okay once he’s returned home. Phil doesn’t need to lie to say that he’s feeling a lot better.)   _________________________________________________________ 

“And then Artemis immortalized her forever in the stars as Ursa Major."  "Wow.” Phil breathes, and he doesn’t know what he’s saying 'wow’ to: Dan’s storytelling, or the story behind the constellation.  They’re lying on the top of a hill, Dan lying between Phil’s legs, his back to Phil’s chest as he tells the tales of the constellations he knows, sometimes pointing them out for Phil to see. Phil’s hand is intertwined with one of Dan’s, Dan’s left hand is being used to point out the different stars in the night sky.  Phil feels awfully at ease, sitting where he is in this moment. Dan is close, closer than he’s ever been before, and Phil never wants to let him go.  They’ve started this simple routine, ending dates on a hill while watching the stars, ever since their first date, where Dan told Phil the story of Orion. Every time they make their way to the top of the hill and find a comfortable spot, Dan will start to tell a tale of a constellation while Phil listens and tries (and fails) not to fall even more in love.  It’s been a year, and Phil is still finding more ways to fall in love with Dan.  “Dan?” he asks, wanting to never stop hearing Dan talk. The man has such a way with words.  “Hm?"  "What’s your favorite constellation?"  Dan pauses at the question, not replying immediately like Phil thought he would, and he rests his head on Phil’s chest. "I don’t think I have one."  Phil’s free hand finds his way to Dan’s hair, carding his fingers through the thick locks. "There must be one.” he prompts, and Dan shifts a little in his arms. “Back when I was little, my mum and dad used to bring me here.” Dan starts, and Phil stiffens. Dan has never talked about his mother before, and Phil would hate to be the one to bring up possibly bad memories. He opens his mouth to tell Dan to stop, but Dan seems to want to continue, so he lets him. “Mum would help Dad and tell me about all the stories of the stars in the sky. Sometimes, she’d make stories up for me, because she knew how much I loved hearing new stories."  "She sounds amazing, Dan.” Phil whispers, and Dan sighs.  “She was.” he agrees, voice soft. “And one day, I asked her, like kids do, what her favorite constellation was. And she turned to me with this look on her face and she said, 'That’s like making me choose my favorite thing about you, when you know I love everything about you. I don’t have a favorite constellation or star, because I love everything about the night sky.’” Dan draws little doodles on Phil’s arm, a sad smile grazing his face. “I only understood what she meant now."  Phil is dumbstruck. Mrs. Howell’s words, although he can’t hear them coming from her directly, are beautiful, and the fact that she had used her son as comparison to the beauty of the stars makes Phil heart swell with love for this woman.  Wherever she was now, Phil was sure she was proud of her son.  Phil tells Dan so, and Dan smiles, but Phil can see the tears pooling in his eyes, so he stays silent. Instead, they sit there for a few minutes, relishing in the company of one another, and before Phil knows it, Dan’s dozed off. He knows he should be mad, but why would he? Dan looks so precious, so innocent, so beautiful - waking him up would be a crime, so Phil carries Dan into the car, and then up the steps into Dan’s house, past an amused Dr. Howell, and into Dan’s bedroom, tucking him in and placing a kiss to Dan’s forehead.  When he comes back down, Dr. Howell looks up from where he’s reading a book in the lounge. He puts both his book and his reading glasses down, motioning for Phil to take a seat across him.  Phil knows exactly where this conversation is going, but he sits down anyway.  "How was your date with Dan?” Dr. Howell asks firstly, and Phil answers the question with honesty, congratulating himself on the fact that Dr. Howell seems happy with his answer.  That’s what they do for a while - ask questions and answer them - until finally, Dr. Howell lets out a sigh, and then leans forward.  “Phil.” Dr. Howell says. “I don’t know if Dan’s told you this, but as you can see, and as you might have guessed, Dan’s mother is no longer with us."  "I know, Sir.” Phil says, voice soft. “From what Dan’s told me, she seemed like an amazing person. I wish we could have met."  Dr. Howell smiles sadly. "She would have loved to meet you, that I know for sure. She loved Dan more than anything in the world. Meeting someone who loves him almost as much would have made her so happy."  Phil smiles. He doesn’t need to act polite or think twice about what comes out of his mouth while in a Howell’s company - they’re too kind and such a loving family that everything he says is true.  "Dan was devastated when he found out she had died.” Dr. Howell sighs. “Cancer really is a bitch, isn’t it? She didn’t even get to see him graduate, and that was something she had been talking about, even back when Dan was a little baby."  Phil’s heart sinks, imagining Dan’s forced smile as he stood with his father, trying not to think too much about the fact that his mother wasn’t there. Dan and Dr. Howell didn’t deserve this, and neither did Mrs. Howell.  "Phil, I’m going to ask you to keep a secret.” Dr. Howell says, and Phil nods. The old astronomer smiles before sighing again. “I have the same cancer that my wife had."  And just like that, Phil’s heart sinks to his stomach.  "No.” he whispers, eyes wide with fear as Dr. Howell clasps his hands together. “No, you can’t be -"  "Dying? I am.” Dr. Howell says. “Doctors told me that I have about a year to live. There’s nothing else they can do."  "Why aren’t you in a hospital, getting treatment?” Phil demands.  “I’d hate Dan to see me in my last moments as someone in pain.” Dr. Howell sighs. “He’d seen enough of his mother going through that - I don’t want him to see me going through the same phase, too.” “You haven’t told him?” Phil asks, and Dr. Howell shakes his head.  “Told Dan that I’m dying? No.” Phil watches as Dr. Howell grabs a picture frame sitting at the coffee table - it’s one of their whole family, back when Mrs. Howell was healthy and Dan was just a child. He smiles down at the picture affectionately - just like he did when Dan was a kid, Phil remembers with a pang.  “I want Dan to spend the last of my days with me being the boy I watched grow up, not as a man worried about his dying father.” Dr. Howell explains. “I only told you about this because I trust you’ll be there for Dan when I’m gone."  "Dr. Howell, please.” Phil pleads, and he doesn’t know what he’s asking of a retired astronomer, but he knows he doesn’t want this wonderful man, who’s treated him like a son, to leave him and Dan so quickly.  Dr. Howell asks him a question, instead. “Phil, do you love my son?"  The answer is automatic. "More than the world, Sir."  "And you plan to spend the rest of your life with him?"  Phil looks down at the box in his right jeans pocket, an action that Dr. Howell doesn’t miss, and he smiles. "I see there’s a ring already."  "I was going to ask for your permission, Sir."  "Dan doesn’t belong to me, Phil.” Dr. Howell says bemusedly. “The decision is up to Dan and Dan alone. I don’t have a say in the matter."  "But -"  "If you want it so bad, you have my blessing.” Dr. Howell chuckles. “Although I don’t think you need me to say that to know that, now do you? Phil, you’ve had my blessing since you reunited with Dan a year ago."  "Thank you, Sir.” Phil says, trying not to cry, but he finds it’s hard when your boyfriend’s father has just given you his blessing and every emotion is overwhelming at the moment.  A smile appears on Dr. Howell’s face, and he sighs. “I won’t be able to make it to the wedding, however."  "Dan would be heartbroken.” Phil whispers. “He’d want you to walk him down the aisle."  "It wouldn’t work even if I was still alive, Phil.” Dr. Howell sighs. “I’m too weak, even now, to move around. Walking down the aisle on a date that’s months away from now would have me a lot more vulnerable - not to mention you would have little kids as your flower girls and ring bearer. I’m afraid that with my frail immune system, it just wouldn’t work.” He looks up and smiles at Phil, sadly. “Promise me one thing, Phil."  "Anything, Sir."  "Take care of my son. When he finds out I’m gone, and when he finds out why, be strong for him. Not that I don’t doubt my son, but he’ll need someone there for him. When his mother died, it was me, but now that I can’t be there for him,” a hand claps onto Phil’s shoulder. “Be strong for Dan. He’ll need you."  (After a few more minutes of talking, Phil asks if he can sleep with Dan for the night. Dr. Howell nods, and, after wishing him a good night, Phil crawls beside Dan, burying his face into Dan’s soft locks and hugging Dan tight as he tries not to think too much about his promise to Dr. Howell.) _________________________________________________________ 

It’s 4 AM when Phil wakes up to Dan’s frantic shouting.  They’d spent the night at Phil’s flat after Dan declared that his father said he’d wanted the flat to himself for a while. Phil’s heart panged with an undeniable guilt as Dan joked that the old man was probably getting sentimental, but he pushed it away and cuddled up to Dan to watch a movie.  He supposes they had slept like that, cuddled up on the couch, because when Dan wakes him up, he falls straight to the floor.  Instead of laughing and helping Phil up, like Dan normally does, instead Dan continues panicking and Phil can hear his breath come in short breaths, so he wakes himself up and strides over to Dan, whose tears are flowing like a river down his cheeks.  "Phil.” Dan chokes out, hands clutching at his phone, and Phil thinks, no, “Phil, it’s Dad, they - the cancer, it -"  "You knew?” Phil asks, shocked, and Dan nods frantically.  “He never wanted to tell me but he’s never been good at hiding stuff from me.” Dan chuckles, but it’s empty, and Phil’s heart aches even more. “And now -"  "Dan.” Phil says, and he thinks back to what Dr. Howell had told him. Be strong for Dan. He’ll need you.  “I’ve got you.” he whispers as Dan launches himself at Phil, burying his face into Phil’s shoulder and sobbing hysterically. “I’ve got you."  "Dad’s gone, Phil.” Dan finally chokes out, and then he’s a full on sobbing mess in Phil’s arm.  Phil’s eyes are clamped shut as he hugs Dan, as if shutting them will bring Dr. Howell back, and he’ll be smiling at them with that smile of his, but it’s all just a small dream that won’t come true - the same cancer that took Dan’s mum has now taken his dad.  A few tears slip Phil’s eyes and he hugs Dan tight, listening as the choked sobs grow louder and louder.  “I love you.” Phil says as he presses Dan’s body closer to his own. “I love you."  Outside, as if matching the nature of what has just happened, the rain starts to pour, the sound of water hitting the surface impossibly loud.  To Phil’s ears, nothing is louder than the heartbroken sob of an orphan. _________________________________________________________ "Dan?"  From where the man is seated on the bed, he gives a little hum, and Phil walks carefully inside, setting down the little lunch tray he has with him on the bedside table.  He kneels in front of Dan, who’s looking out the window vacantly, and puts his hand on Dan’s knee. "Time to eat, sweetheart.” “Eat?” Dan says slowly, as if he doesn’t understand, and Phil’s heart breaks, but he has to be strong.  “Yes, sweetheart, eat. You’ll starve if you don’t and that won’t be good.” Phil explains like he would to a child.  “Okay.” Dan murmurs softly. “I always eat with Dad."  Phil lets out shaky breath as he closes his eyes momentarily. He’ll never get used to the broken way Dan talks about his dad, even if it’s been two months since Dr. Howell’s funeral.  The therapist that Phil had made come over when Phil had first woken up to see the vacant look in Dan’s eyes had told him that the only thing to do in cases like Dan’s were to be patient with him, and that eventually he would come around. Right now, the therapist explained, Dan was in denial, his mind not wrapping around the fact that his last living parent was dead. He needed someone who was understanding, patient, and loving - someone Phil already was.  "I know.” Phil says. “But from now on, we’ll eat together, okay? So you won’t be lonely."  "Is Dad lonely?” Dan asks, just as Phil’s preparing a spoonful of food.  “No, sweetheart, of course not.” Phil says. “Your mum’s with him now, he won’t be lonely."  "With Mum?” Dan repeats, and Phil smiles as Dan takes in the spoonful.  “Yes, with your mum.” he confirms, leaning over to wipe Dan’s mouth.  That’s how all of their meals go nowadays. Dan is too disoriented and weak to feed himself, so Phil’s adjusted to taking care of him like one would a baby.  It’s hard, but Dan needs him, and Phil loves him.  “I’ll be right outside, sweetheart.” Phil smiles as he gets ready to leave. He presses a soft kiss to Dan’s forehead. “Call me if you need me."  Dan blinks, and then Phil exits the room - and he lets out a sigh and covers his face when he does.  It breaks Phil’s heart every time to see Dan as he is now and remember just how full of life he used to be. The physical strain isn’t what gets to Phil, nowadays - it’s the emotional strain, the one that appears every time he sees Dan’s vacant stare. The day goes on like usual, and ends as usual, too - with Phil sliding under the covers beside Dan and hugging him tight, trying not to cry and failing as he drifts off into a dreamless sleep.  The next morning, however, is different, because Phil wakes up to crying that isn’t his.  Wide eyes turn to Phil’s left, and Phil sees his boyfriend hunched up, head in his hands, crying frantically.  "Dan?” Phil asks in alarm, because that’s the first time Dan’s showed any emotion in weeks, and he wraps an arm around Dan’s shoulder. “Dan, I’m right here, sweetheart."  "Phil.” Dan chokes out, and his voice sounds rough when he says his boyfriend’s name - he hasn’t said it for such a long time. “Phil - it hurts."  "What hurts, sweetheart?” Phil panics.  “I miss him.” Dan says instead. “And it hurts."  An indescribable feeling passes through Phil - he doesn’t know if he should feel relief that Dan is back to normal, or worry now that Dan remembers what it feels like to miss his father.  What Phil does, however, is hold Dan’s hands in his own, and look up at him, holding perfect eye contact. "I know it hurts, sweetheart.” he says. “I miss him, too. But we have to be strong, alright? We have to live our lives for your mum and dad, okay?"  Dan closes his eyes, but he nods, and Phil refrains from letting out a large sigh.  Instead, he keeps talking, telling Dan how proud his parents are of him and how much they love him, and after a few minutes, Dan has calmed down, trying to regain his breath as he rests on Phil’s chest.  "Phil?” Dan says after a while.  “Yes, love?” Phil answers almost immediately.  Dan sits back up, staring at Phil. “Thank you for taking care of me. Anyone else might have given up on me."  "Dan.” Phil smiles, cupping Dan’s hand with his cheek. “I could never do that."  "I love you.” Dan whispers, and before Phil can answer Dan has pressed his lips against Phil’s and God, Phil’s missed this, and they’re kissing each other hungrily, and there’s definitely tears mingled with the kisses, but neither Dan nor Phil care, because they’re hurt but they have each other and they’re on the road to being okay again.  Phil nurses Dan back to health, seeing as he’s still weak from all that inactivity, but once he’s back to full health, Dan insists that they go out on a date, and Phil has never seen Dan happier after his father’s death.  They really are going to be okay. _________________________________________________________ 

The stars are shining particularly bright when Dan and Phil find themselves on top of the hill once again.  “I missed this, you know.” Phil tells Dan, and Dan hums in response, content in leaning against his husband and looking at all the stars.  Their small companion, however, doesn’t seem too impressed by the inactivity and she rolls over and groans before bounding her way toward Dan.  “Dad?” she asks, and Phil sends Dan a knowing look before they both make space in the middle for their daughter, who happily sits in between her fathers.  “What is it, little star?” Phil asks, and Dan smiles affectionately at Phil’s nickname for their daugther.  “That constellation.” the little girl says, and Dan finds her finger pointing at Orion’s belt. “What is it?"  Dan chuckles. "It’s a belt."  "Dad!” the girl whines, and Dan and Phil share a laugh before Dan wraps an arm around his daughter. “Esther, sweetheart,” Dan starts. “I thought I told you what that was already?"  "Yeah, but it’s always fun hearing you say it.” Esther justifies, and Phil chuckles.  Dan rolls his eyes. “She really is your daughter.” he tells Phil.  “Hey, it’s true, you tell the best constellation stories.” Phil defends, and Esther nods in agreement.  “See, Papa agrees with me!” Esther exclaims. “Please, Dad?"  "Alright, alright.” Dan chuckles. Esther settles into Phil’s arms as Dan tells the story of Orion, the maiden goddess Artemis’ only love, and how his tragic tale came to be. Phil has heard Dan tell the tale a thousand times before, and knows that to Dan, this is more than just the constellation named after a tragic hero.  This is the first constellation that started this tradition, the constellation whose story Dr. Howell had painstakingly searched just to fulfill Dan’s asking, how Mrs. Howell had helped Dan imagine how the constellations looked like bears, hunters, and crabs, and how that story had once been passed on to Phil as he held Dan’s hand that first date.  As Dan tells Esther the story of how Orion had been killed in Artemis’ twin brother, Apollo’s, attmepts on keeping his sister a maiden, Phil smiles to himself, looking out at the stars in the night sky. He’s sure two are shining brighter than all the others, but he keeps the knowledge to himself.  “Phil?"  "Hm?” Phil hums, and he’s surprised to see Esther fast asleep in Dan’s arms. “That fast?"  Dan smiles. "Think it’s time we head home."  "Wait.” Phil requests. “I just wanted to look at something."  "Something about the stars catch your eye?” Dan asks, and Phil chuckles. “Sort of."  "Finally picked your favorite?” Dan teases, referencing to how Phil couldn’t pick a favorite constellation after Esther had asked him (and then proceeded to use the 'all the stars are beautiful’ reason Dan always used.)  “I picked two.” Phil informs Dan, and Dan raises his eyebrow.  “Oh? Which ones?"  Phil smiles, and he shifts closer to Dan and Esther, gathering them both in his arms, and then he looks at Dan, a smile on his face, love in his eyes, and his heart beating wildly, and he says, "I have them right here."  (As Phil presses his lips to Dan’s, he’s sure the two stars he saw before twinkle a little bit brighter, but when he turns back to show them to Dan after their kiss, they’re gone.)