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pwblogarchive · 4 months ago

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January 2006

January 2, 2006

It was strange being outside of chicago on new years. If anyone remembers our apartment shows.

But the confetti was pretty and I think a girl from miss seventeen tried to kiss me on the mouth but kind of missed. Oh yeah and apparantly andrew john hurley is a dreamboat. Check the scoreboard. Tommorrow letterman and then I’m gonna buy some more heinous gear. Do you love it when I wear clashing colors as much as I do?

And why didn’t anyone tell me how amazing the movie the squid and the whale is? I told you about panic…

Over and way the fuck out.

xoxo

January 4, 2006

my top ten (er top seven) of 2005 - no records included.

bonnie dillard - she is always around to tell me how wack i am - she uses the the word "totes" and "just sayin" way too much - and actually types them! she named her dog roxie wentz and she has given me exactly two compliments in my entire life - one of which was on an outfit that she picked out for me. but she pretty much is the glue for clandestine and sometimes pete wentz. editor of filthy magazine.

nick scimeca - this kid makes the craziest faces i have ever seen in my entire life. the first time i met him we got in a snowball fight. pretty much we are in this gang together forever. he does infect, foe, and some clandestine stuff. pretty much whenever i am bummed i can call him up on the phone and hell tell me some hilarious story.

demar hamilton - i have pulled this kids underwear off every time he is around me and totally wasted. its awesome. he also has a dog living in his basement that looks like a 100 yearold teddy ruxpin. oh yeah, his band is rad.

leslie simon - me and her talk about our crushes all the time. we have a mutual love for the music of ashlee simpson and kelly clarkson. when i tell her insane stories i dont even have to say "off the record" she pretty much knows. she thinks of bright eyes and fob in the same way which blows my little mind. she is editting rainy day kids. oh yeah and writing a book about boys in tight jeans that wear eyeliner as far as i can tell but its pretty hush hush.

jonathon cecil miller/dirty - pretty much this kid is made of snakes, snails and puppy dog tails. i have nothing else to say but he is the new pauly shore - even if he always punches me for saying that. pretty much he looks like a cheeseburger with toothpicks for legs but i wouldnt trade him for the world. pretty much he is the best kid ever.

jim sevcik (or however you spell it) - this is the guy who goes and digs the little youth medium shirts out of tiny boxes in the 100 plus degrees on warped tour or freezing temp on NFT - and then takes the money out of your paws. he is definitely most underrated.

andrew simon/buck - when on the westcoast these guys function as my mother. they take us out to dinner, help me find a house or apartment, look up movie times, get screenings, help me find tours, starbucks, have the cutest baby on the planet, oh yeah and they even book shows every once in awhile.

oh well i ran out of steam. ill finish later. pretty much people that i hang out with every single day are not included on this - you know who you are.

- petey

1/04/06 Q&A

question

Pete, I really need some advice. I was a virgin until I slept with this guy. I didnt tell him I was a virgin until 2hrs. after we finished nad I told him online. Then I started freaking out because I was scared I had screwed everything up between us, which I think only made everything worse. this all happen yesterday. Did I screw everything up?

answer

the best part about when things like this happen is that eventually they become the past- if you really like this guy you could probably explain yourself to him- how you just got scared and were nervous to tell him certain things. if he is worth it, i am sure he will take the time to listen and tell you how he feels too. and if he doesn’t give you the time to do that, than he isn’t worth it anyway. you can be through with the past but that past isnt always through with you.

question

Pette what type of bass do you have?

answer

fender just made me my own- its pretty rad- red and black- super light maple neck- customized electronics and pick-ups- check out a picture of it over at: www.clandestine.buzznet.com - they say they are gonna make a real cheap version of it for people to learn on

question

the background on the site finally changed. who does that?

answer

it changes with mother nature.

question

Do you have any scars. Not like emotional scars (you can include them if you wish) but good-story-scars. Like stuff involving armadillos or something interesting like that.

answer

ive got this amazing one down the palm of my hand from when me and robby windgator (sp) climbed a fence in his back yard and my hand got stuck on a nail. it slid down the entire length of my hand- i was like 8. i have two on my right hand from when i fought a car the week before the VMAs. trust me i definitely beat the car up.

January 6, 2006

notes on black clouds and underdogs - see also: cast all your fears away:

1. tickets will not be 50 dollars. haters are spreading this on the internet. if you buy your ticket ahead of time (not through some wack broker or on ebay or from a scalper)- average ticket price will be between 23-28 dollars - not going over 35 anywhere. we picked the venues based on how cheap we could get them.

2. the bands- we didn't want to have a tour where you had to see five bands that sounded exactly like fob. we went for variety. all of the bands are really nice guys as well. there will be special guests through out the tour and some suprises to make each show more exciting.

3. this is going to be fob's biggest show ever. we will be playing our longest set and will be including some special secrets.

4. did you expect us to just dump the dates in your laps? we are nerdy and weird and different. so we created a game. we thought it would be fun. the points will be weighted so a small town will have the same chance as a huge city to win a small suprise show. we want to play in front of kids that are excited and we know this is a chance to do this. there will still be other secret shows randomly happening.

5. close your eyes and just click. youve got it. dont worry just come out. andy will be running a kissing booth - it will be a blast.

more later.

January 6, 2006

8:11 pm

i am just a hot mess. i woke up to the feeling of myself throwing up today. pretty much put a damper on the entire day. i ate about 50 stomach pills and then threw them all up- it was a pretty color in the toilet. my toungue is black on the top right now. i am pretty sure thats a bad thing. i watched way too much gastinaeu (however you spell it) girls today. i think it made me sicker. it took me awhile to realize that they were mother and daughter and not sisters- but the mom is kinda hot in pissy kind of way. my mom is out of town so there was noone here to take care of me- my brother was around but hes pretty much always bongzilla'd. so i waited for back-up caretakers to arrive- one of them was busy cutting hair and the other has like a "real" job besides being dad. the best part about vomitting alone in the morning is the way the bathroom tiles feel kinda cool in a pleasant way so i took a nap there for a bit. i want to see hostel tonight but the problem is all the vomitting- see its not that i mind so much its just what if i run into someone in my sicky gear and puke on them? wow. i am glad i did this update. arent you? im gonna leave the comments open cause i never do- just write down the first thing that comes into your mind when you see that reply button- heres mine: i am just a hot mess.

January 6, 2006

I have to say it makes me feel safe and some kind of comfort to look at the clock in the corner of the screen and know that you are awake too.

posted by: peterpumpkineater

1/12/06 Q&A

question

whats your view/opinion on racism?

answer

i love it. i mean what opinion would i have other than it is terrible. i hope thats what you expected.

question

So Pete, I have been wanting to learn how to play bass for a long time. Any idea when that HOT Clandestine bass will be available for the public? Thanks.

answer

its going to be available as a fender squire some time in the (near i hope) future. squire is fenders cheapest bass line - very affordable and a good bass to learn how to play on.

question

college dropout or late registration?

answer

“highschool graduate” its the mixtape he put out awhile ago- its pretty sweet.

question

okay crazy dream last night.. you [pete] and me making out after a show in a bed? yeah just thought id share.

answer

im pretty gross after a show. itd be better to just highfive i think.

question

pete. please stop licking the shoes of the island CEOs. i am getting really tired of turning on a tv and seeing a commercial for you guys playing at the fucking arena or a WHOS NEXT IN MUSIC? PANIC AT THE DISCO and THE ACADEMY IS mtv shit which was was totally all your -for lack of better word- fault. sometimes i think it cant get any worse but im always wrong. when is this going to end pete?!?!?!?

answer

i am kind of confused by this one- we are on island defjam records but the advertisements for our tour were made by our booking agent not island. academy is on atlantic/fueled by ramen and P!atd are on decaydance neither of those are island related. but i think i understand the gist of what you are trying to say. i understand that its hard to feel like you are losing a band you loved to “the mainstream” or to a bigger media. i want you to know how much fob turns down because we dont believe in it or agree with it- at the same time would you rather see the academy is on trl or limp bizkit?- id rather see sincere music up there. anyway, i know we’ll all still be here after this ends. hope you are there with us.

question

Peter do you ever get mad at us?

answer

sure. just the same way you sometimes get mad at me/us- but thats okay. neither of us ever seem to stay mad very long…

question

choose one: paramore. cartel. the academy is. or acceptance.

answer

the academy is. i dont really know the others too well.

question

Petey, what have you been up to this past week? xo

answer

training for the new video and working on/editting release the bats two (http://www.findthescene.com/Videos/RTB2_Trailer.mov)… oh yeah and sleeping some.

question

So what do you think of Brokeback Mountain?

answer

good love story. kind of depressing- it makes me think about how much i do not want to go camping.

question

ryan seacrest called you “heartbreaker wentz.” how does that make you feel? it made me giggle…

answer

i never broke that mofos heart.

question

I was wondering if any of you guys are superstitious

answer

i kiss clocks, make wishes on take offs and first kisses, hold my breath on graveyards - yes.

question

Im really upset because i have friends who like me have been FOB fans for the longest time and have met you guys numerous times but are really angry about the ticket prices and are complaining your just sell outs. Im mad because i dont think this and now they are boycotting your CT show.You guys were bound to get famous so why do people have to get like this? Whats you opinion on all this?

answer

our primary concern with this tour is: having a huge general admission floor space and keeping ticket prices as low as absolutely possible. we are doing our best- if you compare this tour with other tours with bands of the same size you will see the difference in ticket price.

question

so much for teh huge general floor space. i cant get decent tickets.

answer

if you get tickets early you should have no problem getting floor tickets. ask your broker when they will be releasing floor tickets as they are often released in bunches. i promise you every venue we are playing has a huge floor space- and if not me and my friends always used to just sneak down onto the floor. the security never tries to hard to stop you.

question

Have you ever had sex with a groupie?

answer

nope.

question

So after they finish the tour that they are on now Mest is breaking up. I sort of cant believe it but I was wondering - do you guys plan on sticking with us for a while longer? It is actually pretty hard to deal with bands just stopping for good…so I am hoping that you guys can be there with us for at least a while longer. Much love.

answer

honestly? some days i think fall out boy will be around for 20 more years and some days i think it might end tommorrow.

January 13, 2006

first jt. now mr. frey. i fear that we are next.

it may just be the hour of the night or the song stuck in my head or some strange mix of it all.

i can't shake it.

the chemists called it crossed signals.

the poets called it magical.

nowyousayimabird.

- petey

January 14, 2006

i love how i never care about anything you say except how i always do.

that doesn't even make any sense.

late at night everything about you is an orchestra. and i am the conducter.

January 14, 2006

4:14 pm

"noones ever been this good for this long"

this is everything i am thinking right now with out transition. i apologize for my brains lack of linear thought processing: i hate the way it gets dark so early here this time of year. i guess "seasonal depression" kind of falls under "ADD" and "post tramatic whatever disorder" for me. i feel like its science from the madhatter down the rabbit hole. not too real. but lately i just wake up blue - my only thought is- how soon will the day be over so i can get back into bed. i open my eyes just a tiny bit and blur the numbers on the clock with my eyelashes. every word you say rolls off of my back - the praises and the barbs. i don't hear either, ever. sometimes the tips of my fingers itch from the back of my head- just to get the chance to tear someone to pieces and just barely let them off the hook. i swear to god, i was asleep alone. quick text me an alibi and oh god please don't dust the keyboard for prints. sometimes i stare out of the frosted window and make up stories as people walk by. the bottled blonde, park ave. princess walking whichever dog matches her coat. you know how i could turn your world upsidedown. its not love if a day goes by when you don't think about dropping it. its not the world keeping you on the outside, its you not wanting to be on the inside. everyone wants to be the first. buts its okay to be the second if you understand it better, if you make it look prettier. worn down doesn't even touch this. and theres nothing worse than when someone acts like they have you figured out, when you haven't even figured yourself out. nice boys don't write good stories or sing good songs. and his songs are boring. and his stories are just personal ads set to background music. i found the skeleton key for wedlock but i am holding off on telling her. on telling anyone for that matter. consistent inconsistency. thats all you ever have to remember and you'll do okay with me. dancers are always strippers. and paying their way through college is the BE VE. oh and hey pete do you remember the way the world used to trick you with fifty degrees in january and orange leaves in june? button your jacket tight, don't believe everything you read... don't even believe everything you wrote. i'm tired of always leaving. i'm tired of the way things always/never change. swim upstream until your gills bleed just because thats what genetic encoding commands. there aren't any trophies that are really worth it in the end. they can put you in a box when you are very young, so you'll be a pretty corpse but there are too many pages filled with too many words to lie beside you forever. intelligent design is the last great joke i heard. but honestly, no one will ever stay where i tell them, least of all the years. they keep moving. worlds greatest liar and how do you know i'm not lying when i tell you this right now? and thats coming from the king of one-liners. copy and pasted - long live the away message. kiss the monitor. fast asleep baby.

1/16/06 Q&A

question

Thanks for deleting me off your myspace friends. Youre different than who I thought you were Peter.. : (

answer

i do not have nor ever had a myspace account… the only sites outside of this one that i use are friendsorenemies.com and livejournal. fall out boy has a myspace account but i dont even know how to work it.

question

PETER! maybe that got your attention this time :)! My question, Did your parents or siblings ever say your “stupid” or “gay” for wearing girl pants, or tight shirts..because i go threw alot of crap for wearing tight clothing and i go to a city school so either its gangsters, or me left out..please help me with gettin threw this..Also cant wait to see you guys in Hersey!

answer

kanye west wears pink polos. rob halford wears black tshirts. not that any of it matters. but how you dress should only be an amplification of who you are inside, it should not be all you are… i get teased about alot of things but you know, at the end of the day its okay to be me. im pretty sure its okay to be you too, as long as you arent like hitler or a serial killer or something insane.

January 18, 2006

these pictures make me think of me and you before i got so crazy.

the hippo lost its momma in the tsunami. now the he hangs out with this super old turtle and follows it around. from what i've read they have developed their own form of communication.

this is insane.

these parts of life are amazing.

i will try and not forget them next time.

- petey

January 18, 2006

the band is in chicago preparing their new homes to be moved into. mine is still in my parents cause i am a loser like that: see also why i am hanging in nyc by myself. but ive got some schemes that i am working on.

how i have been (barely) living: the hippo and the turtle, hanging out with minkus from boy meets world in north carolina, going to the mtv studios in nyc to see baby bros all growed up on trl, eating every single thing in this hotel minibar, writing, you. writing you.

- petey

January 19th, 2006

1:55 am

wahahahahaha. i laughed for like a million hours at the shittalking over at: www.friendsorenemies.com its way fun to see your friends make fun of you. it keeps you levelheaded. it has gone live.

January 19, 2006

yesyesyes-ya'll. newyorkcity. hung with patd and tai backstage at TRL and tried to make them unnervous. but i was butterflies inside. but they couldnt ever let me down. the rest of the day was spent listening to the new gymclassheroes songs and working on the new video. the gch songs are insane: i can't describe them "we gotta take our clothes off to have a good time". insane. new octfall: youve probably never met these kids but they are the nicest. always calling and asking how im doing. then the hush sound: all i can say is "sweet tangerine"- 6 months from now, you will agree with me. anyway, this isn't just some preachy post. i just love watching my friends suceed and i will believe in them until the day i die. its so great to watch everyone grow up. hopefully, somewhere someone says that about me.

we contributed a song to the breast cancer one tree hill episode/compilation. we just thought it was a great cause and couldn't pass it up. we actually thought it was a really personal cause to alot of people involved so i wanted to give a really personal song to me, so we used "dark alley".

its late and alot of the things i have been working on and thnking have stalled out. but i am trying oh so hard. got some smaller shows coming up in las vegas and l.a. for the diehards so keep your eyes out.

i am in new york city but it feels so fucking foreign. the band is in chicago but there is too much to be done out here. i know there needs to be breaks but i cant get away. maybe ill see you on fuse or trl tommorrow. maybe not cause it'll be weird with out the guys- i dunno. this hotel room doesn't make any sense. my lights are on and i am in bed knowing i will never fall asleep. i am realizing people in all the buildings outside i can see lit up can probably see in here on me. but thats okay cause i am wearing some sweet pj's.

wwwilliambecketdotlove

turn me inside out.

swoon. make me easy on the eyes. it aint hard in this light. read it. write it. throw it away and come back to the phone. light up text king.

oh yeah a little bird named mouth told me: friendsorenemies.com is up - my profile is actually me over there ... yay! let's hate eachother and/or get sexy.

January 20, 2006

dear ireland- thank you for your pretty accents and your amazing show.

dear home- i miss you

dear you- what the fuck happened to this

a real update later.

the whole world loves it when you dont get down.

January 21, 2006

12:17 pm

i hate you and i hope you die. yes. i realize that you will make fun of me/take stabs at me/post ridiculous pictures of me. i realize that because of this band i have given up some of my privacy and personal life. i accept that. i can laugh at myself. i realize i will get called a douchbag. i get what i get. i have begun reading things about my friends and family. that i will not accept. i read things written by people who kiss my ass to my face. i remember who you are. fuck you. bring it on me. please leave my friends and family alone. it is extremely hurtful to me. if anyone is a friend of mine out there please tell your friends. i on the otherhand am open game. i have a good laugh at all of the stuff written about me. i am silly, i realize that. thank you.

peter

January 24, 2006

I am an arms dealer.

I sell words you could only use as weapons.

This isn't a scene it is an arms race.

I am a con artist.

A door to door salesman.

A snake oil seller. Cures for whatever ails you.

Somehow I don't hear the violins playing.

Not really the leading man type.

I am a cadaver deep frozen. Waiting for reanimation to beinvented.

Wrote "fuckoff" on my hand to remind me to call you tommorrow morning.

What do you do when everything they say about you is true?

Do you expect me to just roll over and die?

My skin has made promises.

Whether the rest of me has or not.

Writing off tommorrows every time my fingers touch these buttons.

Putting all the comforts and closeness in reverse just for you.

I think its time to re-asses some of the policies of the wentz administration.

Our approval rating is at an all time low.

In case you haven't been informed you have to take a ticket to be disappointed by me.

There's a fucking line.

Well have some goddamned order.

Its a posh and exclusive club.

I have a lifetime membership.

Make it glamorous.

Make the rumors true.

Read the sign next to the bridge "giveupallhope..." and just tie down the gas pedal.

Lie in the back.

Haven't you heard, sorrow is in.

You are the beaches of normandy the night before.

And a girl with such a sweet drink should never sit in the corner and cry about anyone or anything.

The kids on the net had it right sometimes we should fuck off and die and break up and stop ruining art.

But the kids had it right sometimes when they sit waiting in line with hands frozen out waiting to get into a room first.

The only thing I can admit is this is no masterplan. I'm trying to figure it out.

"Without the sour the sweet wouldn't taste so sweet (tangerine)".

Its 3am in leeds. This is what just crossed my mind.

Love, the fancy kid.

January 26, 2006

live via manchester holiday inn express:

first and foremost. these shows have been amazing. i think it is quite possibly because we don’t get over here often or maybe because we are playing smaller clubs… but i am thinking we need to make a stop over here more often.

i wanted to congratulate p!atd the disco on making it to number 10 on the TRL countdown. and i just wanted to put this out there: there is no way it was paid to happen. of all the bands on “new bands week” panic was the only that didn’t put up big pushes to have the video voted on. if anything this band wants to do things their own way. hence picking the song they did for the single- that was the bands choice and in my opinion they have songs on the record that could easily be bigger. it was also the bands choice to create a darker video…. as a label i can tell you that we definitely don’t have the money to spend on a “big budget” video right now- not to mention having any left over for anything else- you’d laugh if you saw the budgets we filmed the new panic and gch videos on. but i couldn’t say enough about how nice these kids are- they don’t even get how big their band is and thats a good thing… i personally would rather see great bands on the forefront of music… and yes there are lots of other bands that deserve to make it there as well- so maybe on our messageboard tell me about some great (unsigned) bands that we should check out.

other than that we’ve just been writing new songs and working on the new video. pretty soon its going to become time focus all attention on a new fall out boy record again.

got some big news for you coming up very soon…

peter lewis kingston wentz

ps 'hater dudes marry hater bitches and have hater kids’

1/26/06 Q&A

question

hey, what kind of books are you and the rest of Fall Out Boy into? p.s. tell patrick he is spectacular

answer

andy is into comics and books on anthropology/human civilization i dunno what books joe reads patrick is into reading about music i am into a bunch of different authors lately hemingway still. before he went and hung out in africa. i haven’t been reading as much as id like lately. ps the book panic has in their book club this month is a great book. its the first thing i gave ryan after reading his lyrics, it kind of reminded me of him- so if you like panics lyrics head on over and check out their book club

question

do you watch that show roseanne on nick at night. i love that show!

answer

me and my friends used to hang out with becky in evanston, il in highschool. she was not to fond of me or my friend jody.

question

ok i know this is nobodys business but yours but there is alot of stuff going around on the boards saying that the big news is your engaged just to get things straight is that it? because those people are starting to annoy me….

answer

me being engaged is most definitely not the big news.

question

in the song calm before the on take this to your grave, there is a line that says :Well theres a song on the radio that says lets get this party started, lets get this party started. did you write that line because of the song by pink called lets get this party started. just curious.

answer

yes.

question

Hey Pete. My grandma is dying (and she doesnt care) and I for real dont feel anything towards her. My mom is seriously upset, my dad is just about the same and my sisters dont know. I am suppose to tell them but how do I do that when my grandma wasnt a grandma for me but for them she was a great lady? I just want this done and over because I am kind of tired of waiting for her to die since she has been making suicide references for the past two years.

answer

that is one of the hardest places to ever be in. i remember seeing thoughts of my grandfather in my head when he died i was on tour. and i couldnt really feel sad unless i thought of it as my dad and it really freaked me out. it made me feel like i wanted to see my dad right that second. id be completely lost with out him. i think that people handle grief in different ways and the best thing we can do is try to be there for them. im sorry to hear about that though.

1/30/06

question

my roommates and i almost got into a brawl at 4am with some drunk kids who wanted to fight us because we did not appreciate the hint of lime in their tostitos. is it just me, or is your life this ridiculous as well?

answer

it is . we were thrown out of another fob afterparty after nearly fighting the staff who was berating dirty.

question

Peter, I just got the “Panic! At The Disco” cd and I love it! could you recomened any others?

answer

the hushsound “so sudden” - myspace.com/thehushsound october fall “season of…” myspace.com/octoberfall dangerradio “party foul” myspace.com/dangerfall the academy is “almost here” myspace.com/theacademyis armor for sleep “all” myspace.com/armorforsleep shiny toy guns “all”

question

do any of you have brothers and siters? (like any single younger brothers…:) if so, who and how old?

answer

um come on this question is kind of insane. but my one dog marley is super hot for a dog. hes a good kisser though.

question

I read somewhere that Patrick was a vegitarian. Is that true?

answer

he was he eats fish and likes to talk long walks in the park with hot babes.

question

Why does patrick wear a hat all the time and why does the drummer never talk?????

answer

just to drive your pretty little head mad with these questions.

question

Okay, heres a question: Has someone you superly-duperly adored gone away? And by adored we are talking like, lets-run-away-to-isreal -and-get-hitched-without-telling-anyone adored.

answer

yes. the sinking feeling in your rotten gut is your reminder. cool sheets on your bed are your antidote.

#fall out boy #pete wentz #livejournal

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galactic-knightmare · 2 years ago

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Just some (long) venting

So, lets start at the beginning a while ago (back in the last months of 2022 I think maybe?) I was streaming Splatoon when my capture card died. right in the middle of it. literally an hour before splatfest. It was just a cheap little $20 one, so it wasn’t that unexpected that it would die at one point, but it definitely chose one of the most inconvenient times for it. so, I started saving up muns to get it replaced- I had decided, to make sure it lasted longer this time, that I would get one of the big, expensive ones, because when it comes to tech the expensive shit tends to be more durable and last longer, and my BFF suggested the one she had gotten, so I started opening up even more different kinds of commissions. Since I didn’t have a job (I had put in an application at my brother’s work since I can’t drive and he can, but never got anything back) the only source of income I have is art coms. so now I had to save up for around $400 in computer stuff (capture card, computer monitor, new desk) which was. fine. made tons of adopts. not a single one sold. did get a massive amount of coms- that. where from a single person. and the amount of work drawing the exact same character was driving me insane, but it was fine. I also, as anyone following me probably knows, decided to stop work on my fandom stuff and focus entirely on the coms, despite very much NOT wanting to stop, as I was stuck on a Hyperfixation of that fandom. and then, a day or two (maybe three?) ago, I saw that the capture card was on sale, and I could probably get it. buying it while on sale would REALLY help me out on getting the rest of the stuff I needed. So then, I was twenty short, so my BFF swooped in like the angel (demon?) she is, and offered to help me out. so I got an art com for a new icon from her and had the muns for it! ...or so I thought. You see, my bank decided to lie to me about how much money I had, and I was around thirty short. so now I had to try and get more muns. Thankfully though, that same day, another friend (at least, I hope they think we’re friends. their really cool...) decided to also help and commissioned me for a full-shaded pic of one of their characters, and I was able to order the capture card! ..aaand then that’s where the past three days (including today) BS comes in. I ended up getting a thought in my head- like, the usual one that ruins my thought process for a little bit and makse me scared as shit. but instead of going away somewhat easily with a simple distraction, it actually fucked me over kinda bad. my brain actually felt PHYSICALLY weird, and my breathing sped up. not hyperventalating, but it was definitely faster than normal. So I mentioned it in the vent channel of a discord server, and couple people said it sounded like a panic attack. so thats great.

My brain was still kinda messed up so my BFF offered to keep me company until it started to chill out, so we stayed up till 5 am watching vids together, and when she went to nap since she was tired, I was fine again, but I noticed that the new capture card was out for delivery, so knowing that I wouldn’t be able to wake up in time for it if I went to sleep like I was planning, I stayed up the rest of the night. and then, amazon sent an email about the ‘delivery being attempted and having to try again tommorrow’ apparently the doorbell went off according to my brother? but I didn’t hear it, even though I usually do. I was planning on waiting for it to be delivered so I could go out and get it once it was, but apparently it was one of those “you have to meet the person to get it” which Amazon did NOT mention (do they normally? idk its my first time ordering from them). So my countdown to getting the card was now just. pointless. I was angry AND sleep deprived, so I just. went to sleep cause I was too pissed (and tired) to do anything else. Cause me and said BFF from earlier were planning on testing the capture card out with some splatoon, which I was super excited to play with her again. buut we didn’t get to. so, cut to today. I wake up at 12 (pm I think?) its dark out, but I can’t get myself back to sleep so I just decide to give up and work on one of the sketches. and its just. super chill for a bit. got the tracker open in front of me while I doodle in the sketchbook, just waiting (according to it, the driver went in circles multiple times. no Idea if they were lost or not, but it was mildly amusing) and then, finally, I get my capture card. I realize that it probably won’t fit in like I thought it would, since its bigger than I thought, so I ask my brother to help, since he’s put together computers before. so we pop open the side of my computer and get it in. beeefore realizing something. it. doesn’t. fit. it fits in the computer casing perfectly fine. but the plugs for the motherboard are too small. and the ones on the card are too big. and just. the thing I spent months on. WAS FUCKING POINTLESS. so now, after looking at it, my brother states that we’ll have to make AN ENTIRELY NEW COMPUTER. Like, don’t get me wrong, I do kinda need some upgrades- this one has been giving me MASSIVE problems with Memory, and recently its been overheating and lagging BAD on minecraft of all things, so an upgrade would be nice. BUT NOT AN ENTIRELY NEW COMPUTER. I’VE ONLY HAD THIS DAMN THING FOR AT LEAST THREE YEARS

so obviously, this is going to be a shitload more expensive than what was already draining my sanity.

My brother offered that I could use the parts he had gotten from a friend, since I use the computer a lot more than he does, and he can play games just fine on the old one of mine I had given him, but like. those are for Him. and he DOES need a new computer- there IS a reason I don’t use the old one anymore. and just. I feel like shit now. He’s even offering to save up some money from his adopts to help out with it. and like. He’s the best brother I could ask for but also I feel like scum of the earth for having to rely on him so much. He’s said that he doesn’t mind handling the bills since he knew it would take me a long while to get a job and all, since I’ve never had one, but I still feel horrible for it. and I feel like I’m just mooching off of him and just. really fucking hate it. I’m just. tired of feeling useless. and being useless in general.

Sorry ya’ll. just needed to vent a bit.

#vent #cw vent #computer problems

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i-used-to-wear-the-fedora · 7 years ago

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DEH Carrie AU Dreamer in Disguise/ Once You See

(Mrs. Rosenberg addresses her unruly class.)

Mrs. R: Okay, okay-settle down now people-settle down.

(She begins to write ‘Compositions’ on the board as she talks)

Mrs. R: As many of you have been accepted into college I bet you think you can coast through the rest of this term. But I’m here to tell you…

(She turns and faces the class)

Mrs R: …you are sorely mistaken.

(She begins to pass papers back.)

Mrs. R: The abysmally poor scores of this week’s assignments were only exceeded by Mr. Murphy and Mrs. Valentine, who couldn’t even be bothered to turn one in. I don’t suppose you two have an explanation?

(Connor just stares down at his desk, silent. Chloe just crosses her arms over desk defiantly.)

Chloe: I got nothin.

Mrs R: Well there’s a shock. And it’s “I don’t have anything”. Maybe if you payed attention a bit more in this class you’d know that. There was, however one glimmer of hope! One composition that truly touched me with the authenticity of its emotion. I would like that person to recite his work for the class. Evan?

(Evan looks down at his lap and begins messing with his shirt.)

E: D-Do I have to?

Mrs. R: Yes. Stand please, and read your poem.

(Evan reluctantly gets out of his seat and walks to the front of the classroom. He nervously fidgits with his paper.)

Jared: Don’t fuck up!

(Evan flinches and starts to sweat.)

E: Uh…“Dreamer in Disguise”.

Chloe: Oh my god!

E: An eagle’s just another bird Until he can spread his wings. A river is just a sheet of ice 'til winter turns to spring.

(Singing)

And though the clouds may block the sun Don’t mean that it’s left the sky. Just when you think you’ve seen it all There’s more that meets the eye.

Like things I dream and things I feel There’s more to me than I reveal.

And 'cause I shine in quiet ways I’m someone you don’t recognize. I’m a diamond in the rough A dreamer in disguise.

An eagle’s just another bird Until he can spread his wings.

(Evan stands awkwardly)

E: Um…thank you.

(He hurriedly heads back to his seat.)

Mrs. R: Thank you Evan. Class, any comments?

(No one responds)

Mrs. R: Well don’t everyone raise their hands at once. Come on. Anyone? Anyone at all?

C(More to himself than anyone else): …Beautiful.

Mrs. R(Desperate for anything): Connor Murphy! Yes! Please speak up! Share your thoughts with the class!

(Connor, put on the spot, freezes up. He can feel every eye on him and that is making his anxiety flare up.)

C: …Beautiful…just beautiful…

R: “Beautiful��? Like “Oh beautiful for Amber waves of gay?” Nice one, Boner boy!

Mrs R: That’s enough out of you, Richard. Go on, Connor. How did the poem speak to you?

C: …I think…I think it’s saying that just because something-or somebody- seems one way…it doesn’t mean it is that way.

Jared: And I think I’m gonna barf!

C: Shut UP KLEINMAN!

Mrs. R: Be quiet! Both of you!

(The bell rings and students start filing out of the classroom)

Mrs. R: Quiz tommorrow! I suggest you all brush up on your Moby Dick. The book, not the movie.

(Evan hangs back)

J: Ev! Quit starin at your shoes and c'mon we’re goin to Steevies remember?

E: Y-Yeah I’ll be right there.

(Connor is still at his seat packing up.)

E: U-Uh Hi Connor.

(Connor looks up at him perplexed and a little irritated.)

E: Uh that was um really nice. W-What you said a-about my poem. L-Listen about w-what happened, things just got really out of h-hand. I-

(Connor, seeing Jared over Evans shoulder assumes it’s a trick.)

C: WHAT?! HAVEN’T HAD ENOUGH?! JUST HAD TO TWIST THE KNIFE IN A LITTLE DEEPER?!

(Evan backs away, shaking his head, his hands up defensively.)

E: W-what? N-no I-!

C: WHY CAN’T YOU JUST LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE!

(Connor shoves him to the floor and stomps off. For a moment Evan lays there in shock before slowly picking himself off the ground.)

J: Yeesh! Temper, temper! Am I right? Ev?

(Evan doesn’t answer. Jared shrugs and leaves. Evan walks to the side of the stage and Connor comes out onto the other side.)

E&C: For years you look

(They turn and look at each other)

You look at someone passing by, And then one day you see them

(They walk to each other)

One day you finally see him!

My God, he shook, And then he looked me in the eye

I’d never seen him angry (I’d never seen him so scared)

I hate I made him angry! (I hate I made him so scared!)

(They stand back to back.)

He… He’s always been there. I… I never knew

I felt as though This boy revealed himself to me And now I know, That once you see You can’t unsee

(They glance back at each other before going their separate ways.)

@goponylover whoa, dude. Niiiiiiice

#deh au #carrie the musical #cool friendo stuff #I love #but i always do #submission

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teddy-feathers · 7 years ago

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Mom said once "I hope you feel better tomorrow" and I got upset I think because honestly this isn't going away. Ever. I just get to live with this the rest of my life and at the time I was really upset.

I think it was because I was scared that there was never going to be a better tomorrow.

But just because I'm not going to get better doesn't mean I'm not going to be able to cope with it all better. That I won't learn to take care of myself in a way that makes my tomorrows better.

And yeah there's going to be shit days. Hell even some of my best days can be pretty shitty.

And no I'm not going to be okay.

And lord knows I'm sorry you have to deal with me on shit days...

But I also... My shit days are still me. And while I'm also hoping for a better tomorrow, that I'm coping better then wont change that I'm still me at my worse.

I'm hoping for better tomorrows but I'm also trying to learn and force not only myself but the world around me to accept and realize that I still am me and you still have to meet me at my level when I'm not okay.

It's exhausting and practically impossible for me to hold myself to the standards I used to try for - that even when I'm not okay I'm okay, that I still can push myself to comform to how I "should" be.

I'm not hoping for a better tomorrow to cut out the parts of me I dont like anymore, to suddenly get a handle on shit and be able to just not have shit days.

I'm hoping for a better tomorrow where I allow myself to exist as I am. Where other's do too.

And again yeah maybe I'll learn some neat tricks that'll let me turn thirty spoons for a week into fifty or stop me from loosing all the spoons and struggling to find the god blessed drawer or whatever metaphor you prefer, but this is me.

It doesn't stop being me because I'm having a shit day. Doesn't stop being me because I desperately dont want to exsit and I indulge in wallowing in thst feeling, doesn't stop being me because I'm difficult at the time or its inconvenient for myself or some one else that I'm not okay.

My being exceedingly problematic doesn't mean I have to sequester myself away until it passes just so its not uncomfortable for other people.

Depressed!Me and Anxious!Me don't get turned into Functioning!Me and suddenly forget that underneath all the finery I'm still a pumpkin - that I'm NOT avpd!Me just because today is a better day.

And just because you can make pumpkin pie doesn't mean you have to or that ...

Any ways I lost track of my thought

I think...

People try to tell you dont let your whatever define you. The thing is is that it comes across as "even though you are this thing, you dont have to be" which isnt true. You ARE that thing. Youre so much more sure but ignoring that and pretending that the "good" is all thats there is denying a very real part of you that is STILL THERE even on the best days or the ones where it doesn't effect you.

"You can get better - dont be anti recovery - it isnt healthy to - " some things dont get better and thats honestly okay...

Or it should be.

I mean. I have brown hair. My coloring it doesn't change that its brown. My trying all the tricks in the book might not stop it from growing no matter what I do to eradicate it or stoping the fact that its a real part of me. My choosing not to color it doesn't make it less brown, my not fighting it and accepting that I'll always be hairy doesnt make me

Look

Just look okay?

Knowing what is wrong with me and saying yeah this is my problem it defines me

isnt necessarily a problem like everyone seems to want to make it out to be

So MUCH of my life makes sense, my desicions and actions and feelings

Like if i went out and got an eval that said "im a quiet person" and yall said "dont let that define you! You can be loud and talkitive!" Like yeah sure allow me to just rewrite myself to please you. Allow me to just make myself feel like shit for being soft spoken and force myself to fight it instead of making it work for me or learning to work around it.

And who knows maybe youre write. Maybe if i work at it someday ill have out grown my problems. Great. It definitely wont be because I tried every thing in the book to make the problem go away.

Hell who knows maybe im full of shit or this only applies to me but

The problem isnt the problem its our attitudes about the problem.

On a personal level

On a social and societal level

Like fucking hell let people have problems

Let people deal with those problems

People ARE more then their problems but whenever someone tells me - regaurdless of what is meant - to not define myself by my problems all I see is "your slip is showing tuck it back in"

Like dude we have so many lables to try and define and explain and communicate who we are.

The problem isnt that im happily waving around "problem flag number 5" its that you dont want that to be part of the main show when damn if it dont kinda carry the plot.

Its a fundamental part of who i am and NONE of my life made any sense before it was pointed out.

"Why didnt you, why did you, what do you mean you dont know how csn you not know?!?"

Dude its because Im avpd.

Oh teddy ran away from home and lived on campus and ate out of a trash can for a week or two

Or teddy didnt tell anyone she didnt want to do this if she had just said something

Oh teddy why dont you want to go back to school i dont want you to waste your fine mind

Teddy learn from our mistakes, ask for help, use our experience!

Teddy youre not stupid so why are you acting like it

Just seriously there is so.much in my life where I and every one around me was going "why are you doing that you dont even want to be doing that it DOESNT make any sense"

And i was left floundering to explain things I couldnt explain.

A good 80% if not more of my life is because of or directly related to my problem.

I am defined by it - hell I am who I am because of it.

And yeah I'm hoping for a better tomorrow but like i said its still going to be a huge chunk of who i am.

Maybe its like cowardice. If you're brave you gotta admit you were afraid. The more bravery it took to do something the bigger coward you really are. We all want to be a brave dude but we pretend like a brave dude aint just a coward who ran screaming despite himself towards the thing he didnt want to do.

"Youre not a coward, don't let fear define you!" Dude I'm the biggest fucking coward and even if tommorrow I walk through the valley of the shadow of death with a song on my lips that wont change the fact I AM a coward.

Also I dont have to define my successes by anyone elses standards.

Maybe my act of bravery today was not brushing my hair, not finding my name badge, not wearing my work boots. I mean yeah most days i manage the mage those things but TODAY it was a trial to go to work - in fact i was 20 mins late.

And hell if i loose my job again? Do you get to say im letting my problems get the best of me? Fuck no. You dont get to say shit.

I get to say i have my problems i cant deal with this. I wont deal with this.

Im not letting it define me, im accepting my own limitations and no longer killing myself trying to pretend that there's a cheat code to get around them.

Just whatever. Too long a rant and my phones dying. Love you.

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