#any thoughts i had of nailing it down were replaced with thoughts of keyword counters

[anindecisivespirit]

Stitches

Written for Whumptober 2019, and never having seen the light of day before now, is Stitches! (Since that was the prompt, that shall be the title.)

Universe: Sanders Sides

Word count: 4,753

Summery: After a less than pleasent conversation with the Core Sides, Remus spirals into a panic. In trying to find a way to be better, he acts on the one thing he’s certain they all hate; his ideas. He can’t stop himself from thinking them, but he can stop himself from saying them out loud. I mean, he already has the string... However, this leaves Deceit and the others trying to fix the damage they've done.

Warnings: Uh... Self-harm (self-mutilation??), needles, stitches, blood mention, intrusive thoughts (violent, odd, and self-deprecating), ideas of violence, possible questionable Virgil(?), suicidal thoughts, misunderstandings fueled by anxiety and intrusive thoughts, panic, threats (both serious and as jokes), Sympathetic Deceit & Remus.

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  “What if chocolate milk really did come from brown cows? Where would pink milk come from? Flamingoes?” Remus asked suddenly, causing the other Sides to jump, as if they had forgotten he was there. Or, maybe, like he hadn't remembered to announce the fact that he was there in the first place. And… oh, right. He had forgotten to tell them.

  "Remus!" Roman snapped, standing from his seat at the table. "What are you doing here?"

  Remus forced himself not to flinch at the suspicion lacing Roman’s voice. The 'Light' Sides had been eating lunch- tacos, apparently, even though they should know burritos were better. Keywords here being had been. Now, though, Patton was staring at him with fear painfully apparent in those wide eyes, all while Virgil glared and Logan eyed the situation with a cautious - perhaps callus - sort of neutrality. And Roman…

  His brother was annoyed - maybe even angry? -, glaring at him from where he stood by the table. Suspicion practically rolled from him in waves. Remus smiled, just a bit too widely, a bit too forced.

  "Can't I just visit my dear friends every once and awhile? It's been so long since we all talked!"

  Logan sighed, adjusting his glasses.

  "That is entirely incorrect, Remus,” He said. “You were here just yesterday. If I remember correctly, you wanted to discuss the best ways of hiding a dead body, along with the effects of teleporting directly to the bottom of the ocean."

  "Aw," Remus said, sending a small smile and a wink Logan's way. "It warms my heart to know you care enough to remember!"

  Logan just sighed again, and Roman took a step forward, opening his mouth to speak. Before he could say anything, however, another thought caught Remus's attention.

  "Or, could I light my heart on fire? It’d be warm, then. What would it taste like cooked? Would it go good on tacos? It might be too chewy, though, so that might not be a good idea."

  Patton's face looked slightly green as he ducked his head, staring down at the floor. Huh... Remus hadn’t even said anything ‘wrong’ this time.

  "Remus," Roman said impatiently. "Either tell us the real reason you're here, or get out."

  "Preferably that second option," Virgil muttured. "We don't need any more 'ideas' from you."

  This time Remus couldn't help but step back slightly, but he covered the movement up well enough. Or at least, no one seemed to have noticed it. Was that worse? Was it worse if they just didn't care enough to notice? Or they could be ignoring it. Ignoring him. He swallowed down the sudden lump in his throat.

  "I-"

  "And please," Patton interjected softly, glancing up at him. "Say it in… in a nice way?"

  Remus's chest felt tight. It was like something had wrapped itself around his ribs, threatening to constrict, and suffocate, and break him apart. He knew what Patton really meant. It wasn't about how kind he was, but how much of himself he repressed, how much he let them see. They wanted him to be more like Roman. Kinder, just a bit quieter, easier to control. Easier to deal with. To get rid of. It wasn’t about being nice- it was about getting him out of their way faster, simpler, cleaner. It was to get rid of him again. He hesitated, just for a moment, searching each of the other Side's faces for anything besides irritation, contempt, and fear. Something warm, something welcoming, or even just something that didn't nail home the fact that they wanted him gone. Any sign that he might be welcome. And… and there was nothing.

  "...Ah, no. No, it's nothing important," He muttered, his words for once catching in his throat, before sinking out back to his room.

  ...He was just slow enough to see the relief shining on their faces as he left.

  Remus ran his hands through his hair as the bright, warm light of the common area’s dining room was replaced by the familiar, cold chill of his room. It was always either freezing or burning, no matter what he did. He could never fix anything. Could never do anything right. His fingers caught on the tangled curls of his hair, catching and tearing and his thoughts felt the same way, caught on that moment, painful and repeating, repeating, repeating, repeating-

   Remus shook his head sharply, shutting his eyes tight as if that would cast out the image of their relief - relief at his absence - from his mind. It wouldn’t. It was never that simple, no matter how much he always hoped that it would be, even just once. He began to pace through his room, counting out each step, focusing on the constant impact of his feet against the floor (not that he could go very far without running into a cluttered pile of random junk or a shelf).

  "Stop it," He muttered, shaking his head wildly as more and more thoughts began to flit through his mind, whirling around like a thousand tattered pages in a hurricane. They all hate you. You should be more like Roman. But it's their fault you're like this in the first place! Kill them, tear them apart, they deserve it- No, they don’t. You’re the problem. You aren't good enough. Not for them, not for Thomas, not for anyone.

  "Stop it!" He snapped, pulling at his hair, the pain just barely registering, taking a backseat to his panic. He couldn’t do this. He needed help- he needed to go to Deceit, or Virgil- no, no, no, Virgil was one of them now, he hated Remus and Deceit both-

  For good reason. Have you ever considered just leaving? Dying? Fading?

  "N-no, I haven’t, and I w-won’t," He hissed, and wow- that lie wouldn't even fool Roman. He shook his head again, wild and panicked, casting his gaze frantically around the room, trying to find anything in the layers and layers of trinkets and trash to distract himself with. It was usually easy, and he could direct the flow of his thoughts at least partially towards whatever he found. It was one of the reasons his room was so full of junk.

  Right now, though, there was nothing. Not a single thing caught his eye.

  Speaking of, could you tear your eyes out? Do they pop like grapes?

  Remus could go try cooking, or baking, or- or something. That kind of thing seemed to help Deceit and Patton destress, but right now he'd probably burn the kitchen down. Or just burn himself.

  "Gah! It doesn't even matter!" He finally snapped, spinning on his heel and falling backwards onto the mountain of pillows and blankets that made up his bed. "I don't care what they think! I don't care! So just stop it!"

  Remus didn't need Deceit's ability to pick out lies to hear the distinct ring of a falsehood in the words. He cared. He cared about the hate, and disgust, and contempt. The way he was too much and wasn't enough at the same time, cast aside and stomped on. If anything, he cared just a bit too much. He tried not to let it get to him- even tried to act out even more than he usually would, because if they were used to him being worse, when he acted normally they'd accept it, because he was better, right? But it never worked.

  Just fade. Leave. Die. Duck out.

  No. There had to be something. Something that would get them to accept him easier. He just- he just had to figure it out.

  And… there was definitely a common thread between their complaints. Voices drifted into his thoughts, memories of conversations with all the others. Plenty from Patton-

  'And please, say it in… in a nice way?'

  'Thomas doesn't need any more of those thoughts!'

  'Don't say things like that!'

  'Why would you- That's horrible!'

  A few from Virgil-

  'Look, say anything you want, just keep it away from me.'

  'You know I don't like hearing about this stuff!'

  'Just keep your mouth shut for once.'

  Logan-

  'I'm sorry, but I'm busy. I don't have time to hear about nonsense right now.'

  'Your brand of thoughts will not help at the moment, we need to keep stressful ideas away for now.'

  Roman-

  'I don't want to hear it!'

  'Your ideas are so… so horrible! It's no wonder we split!'

  'Can you be quiet for once in your life?'

  'In as little words as you can, what are you doing here?'

  'Ugh! Just stop!'

  Even Deceit-

  'Remus, I am in the best of moods. I can deal with your ideas right now.'

  Every single complaint was about his ideas- about what he said. He just had to stop sharing them. If he could just stay silent and stop the thoughts from slipping out, then… then they would like him more. They would accept him. But how did he…?

  You know how. All you have to do is find some string...

  Remus sat up. Yeah. Yeah, he could do that. He just needed… His gaze caught on a specific pile of junk a few feet away, one filled with a dozen different kinds of fabric, yarn, and string.

  He felt slightly numb as he stood and retrieved a spool of light green thread. Scissors were close by. A needle soon followed.

  He cleared the counter in his bathroom, setting his bounty down carefully. He wasn't really doing this, right? He wasn't- he couldn't-

  It'll work. Just do it, and you'll see.

  Remus's fingers were somehow steady as he threaded the needle, staring intently into the mirror before him. He raised the needle to his lips, and made the first stitch.

  It hurt, but he pulled the string through anyway. It hurt, but he kept going. It hurt, but it was for the best.

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   Deceit frowned, looking up from the common room up the stairs to Remus's door. The other Side hadn't come down for hours, and frankly, after hour two of no interruptions to his work, Deceit had started to worry. Sure, there were days Remus locked himself away or stayed in the Imagination, but it was on those days that the Side needed the most help. Deceit was sure that Remus had left to visit the others at some point, and that made it somehow even worse. Remus would usually regale him with a detailed account of his conversations and experiences. Whether Logan had to step in to keep everyone calm, if Roman was at a loss for words, or if Patton actually snapped for once. There hadn't been any stories today. He hadn't even seen Remus since this morning.

   Still, Deceit had yet to check on him, even hours after that. He really should have, but… For all there were days that Remus needed people to be there with him, there were also days where Remus was better off left alone.

   Deceit sighed. Dinner had been ready for ten minutes now, and he had been hoping that Remus would be drawn out by the smell alone. No luck there, it seemed. It was time to check in.

  He walked up the stairs, stopping in front of the door. It was green and black, nearly hypnotic in the way the colors swirled together. It was almost like oil on water. Deceit raised a hand and knocked, waiting patiently for the door to open or for Remus to shout a greeting or refusal. A few moments passed.

  He frowned, and knocked again.

  "Remus? Are you there? Dinner isn't ready," He waited. Nothing. He had been sure Remus was in there… Just as he was going to knock again, the door opened. He smiled, slightly relieved, before he saw the duke's face.

   Remus’s eyes were slightly red, like he'd been crying earlier. His hair was a mess - even more than usual, at least -, tangled and sticking up every which way. But that wasn’t the worst of it. The part that truly shocked Deceit was his mouth. Stitches ran along his lips, the skin red and puffy were the string disappeared into flesh. It looked like Remus had gone over the stitches several times, multiple threads running together, some of the strands stained pink and crusted with dried blood. Each stitch was closely knit, firmly sowing Remus's lips shut.

   A sharp, hollow feeling crept into Deceit's chest.

  "Remus," He whispered, eyes wide. "What… what did you do?"

  The duke rolled his eyes, and moved to speak. He winced as the strings held, blood slowly dripping from a few of the holes. Remus grabbed Deceit's hand instead, tugging him into the room. Deceit followed numbly, mind struggling to process what was happening.

  Remus grabbed a paper from his bed, presenting it to Deceit, somehow uncertain and proud all at once.

  Deceit blinked, taking it. Everything felt… slow.

  ‘Dee, I've sown my mouth shut,’ the note started, painful in the way it was causal. ‘You guys You and the others made it clear that you want me to that this is the best option. I-’

  Deceit's hand was shaking. Suddenly, reality caught up with him. He dropped the note, watching it flutter to the ground.

  "Remus," He said, his voice surprisingly steady. "Why? Why would you do this to yourself?"

  Remus's eyebrows knit together, and he pointed down to the note on the ground. Right. He'd done it because he'd felt that everyone would prefer him this way, Deceit included.

  "I never… Remus, I would always prefer you to be silent and hurt over being yourself!" Deceit hissed. "Maybe I have a lot of patience at times, but I always wanted this!"

  Remus blinked, drawing back slightly. He seemed confused, like he'd expected Deceit to be happy about this. Like he had honestly thought that he was doing something good.

  "What brought this on?” Deceit asked. Things had been getting better for them recently. It was far from perfect - very, very far from it - but Remus had shown no sign of things getting this bad. “What happened to make you think that… that this was the best option?"

  Remus paused, hesitating for just a moment before scooping up the note from the floor and pointing to two particular words. The others.

  Deceit's hands clenched into fists. How dare they? How dare they?! It was bad enough with how Thomas pushed them away, but for the other Sides to make Remus feel this way? They had no right.

  "Remus," He said, trying to keep his voice level. "Please, remove them? We can work everything out after."

  Remus shook his head, not meeting Deceit's gaze, as he gently tapped the note again. Right. The others.

  "What they think doesn't matter!" Deceit snapped. "Which one was it? Who made you think you had to do this?! We can go and tear them apart."

  A small smile tugged at Remus's lips, though tears had started to gather in his eyes. Anger surged up in Deceit's chest. This had gone too far. They had hurt Remus. They had made him cry. Sure, Deceit had a part in it, something that hurt far more than the other Sides’s scorn ever could, but the others were involved as well. And they had gone too far.

  Deceit gently pulled Remus into a hug, giving him enough time to pull away. He could feel the other Side slowly relax in his hold, before wrapping his own arms around Deceit's shoulders. He could feel the duke trembling, and heard his sniffling as he cried softly. It had been a long time since Deceit had heard Remus cry, especially like this. Stifled, quiet, and painful- what should have been loud sobs condensed into sniffles and whimpers. Remus hated repressing himself, whether it be in laughter, anger, or even tears. And Deceit could feel his heart break as he realized that Remus had no choice but to do so now, with the stitches firmly in place. it was either this, or risk pain as his wails tore the string through his skin.

  "Shh, it's not alright," Deceit murmured. "You're not alright."

  He gently rubbed circles into Remus's back, whispering reassurances as Remus broke down. They remained like that for a few minutes, before Remus’s shaking slowly became subtle trembling, and his breath evened out into something just a bit steadier. When he finally seemed to be as calm as he was going to get, Deceit pulled away, keeping his hands on the other Side's shoulders.

  "Is there any way I can convince you to take them out?" He asked, frowning as Remus just shook his head again. "...Then how about we pay a visit to the others? And if they still make you feel like this is for the best… well. We can kill them, or at least steal their kneecaps."

  That got a soft snort from Remus, which had been Deceit’s goal, but it quickly became a soft sound of pain as the stitches stretched. Still, he slowly nodded in agreement with the new plan.

  Deceit took Remus's hand, squeezing it gently to offer a bit of comfort.

  "Then let's go."

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  Remus allowed Deceit to pull him into the Mind Palace, appearing in the corner of the common room. Suddenly, for all he hoped that Deceit would be right and Remus had simply read things wrong, or fell victim to faulty logic again, or went too far, fear gripped his heart tight and refused to let go.

  They'll hate him more when they see what he did. They'll drive him out, or Deceit would actually kill them. Rip them limb from limb, snap their necks, cut through their stomachs, tear out their hearts-

  Remus ducked his head, hiding his face. Deceit squeezed his hand again, grounding him. It gave him something to focus on beyond his thoughts, something he was extremely grateful for.

  He should have just gone to Deceit in the first place…

  "What are you two doing here?" A voice demanded. Ah… of course Virgil would show up first. He always did have a knack for knowing when something was wrong.

  "Ah, Virgil," Deceit said calmly. "Don't be a dear and call the others, would you?"

  "No. I don't care what you guys want, or what you're playing at, so just leave."

  Remus tried to open his mouth, taking a sharp breath as the movement tugged at his stitches. Pain stabbed through each stitch as he grimaced, and his breath caught in his throat. Carefully, he schooled his expression into something calmer.

  "Now, now, Virgil," Deceit admonished. "This is in no way important. We will be leaving if they don't speak to us."

  Virgil growled.

  "I don't want to play your stupid games Deceit! Just-"

  "Virge? Kiddo, is something-"

  Remus wished he was looking to see Patton's shocked face at finding the two of them here, but he couldn't move his head from its place tucked against his chest. He couldn't let them see.

  "Morality," Deceit greeted coldly. "Well, now we have two of the four."

  "Deceit, Remus," Patton acknowledged. "What are you doing here?"

  Deceit sighed.

  "It seems no-one is asking that, and everyone is listening to the answer. We don't need all of you."

  "Why?" Patton asked warily.

  "This is a very unimportant matter," Deceit hissed, temporarily losing the calm control that he usually had. "If you don't call them right this instant, you will not regret it."

  "Ooh," Virgil mocked. "Scary. What, Remus finally shut his mouth, so you have to do the threatening part for him? Gotta say, you aren't that good at it."

  Deceit's grip on Remus's hand tightened. Remus himself couldn't help but flinch slightly at Virgil's words. He knew it. He knew they would be happy.

  "Anxiety," Deceit said lowly. "If you want to see us leave, you will stop. If you make another remark like that, I swear you will lose your eyes, pinprick by pinprick."

  "Deceit!" Patton shrieked. "Don't you dare say something like that again! I would expect that talk from Remus, not you! Now behave, or we'll have no choice but to make you leave."

  "Patton? I heard yelli- Deceit!" Oh. Logan was here. Great.

  "Logic," Deceit said coldly. "Be reasonable and get the prince down here."

  "Why?"

  Remus listened as Logan was given a rundown of events by Patton and Virgil, and then sighed. Remus could almost picture the other Side pinching the bridge of his nose in annoyance.

  "Well then," Logan muttered, before the sound of someone rising up filled the air. "Now we're all here."

  "Logan!" Virgil snapped.

  "What? If they have something important to say, and won't leave until they say it, it would be best to get it done and over with."

  "Uh, why am I- Gah!" Roman cried, and there was a thump as Remus assumed his brother backed up into a wall. "Why are the Dark Knight’s here?! What the heck is going on?!"

  "That," Logan said, "is what we will hopefully find out now. Deceit? What is it that you have to say?"

  "...That you are all a bunch of fools masquerading as far kinder people than you are at heart. That you can't see the consequences of your actions. That you wouldn't see reason if it stood in front of you waving its arms and screaming."

  "Woah now, kiddo," Patton said, "What are you talking about?"

  "Obviously, it doesn't actually matter," Virgil muttured. Remus huffed softly, forcing himself not to try to speak past the stitches. It wouldn't do any good. Still, it was a lot harder than he'd first thought it would be.

  "You are all just-" Deceit took a calming breath. "Remus? Would you like to show them?"

  "Show us what?" Roman asked warily. Remus hesitated, before slowly lifting his head. It would be fine. It would be fine. Just show them. The thoughts circled in his mind, giving him the courage to meet their eyes.

  Patton gasped, hands flying to his face as horror overtook him. Logan took a sharp breath as Roman stared with wide eyes. Virgil just watched, frowning.

  "K-kiddo, what… what happened?" Patton whimpered, voice muffled by the hands still covering his face.

  Remus shifted uncomfortably, and Deceit growled.

  "You did! All of you! Somehow you got it into his head that we'd all appreciate this!"

  "I mean," Virgil said coldly. "It's certainly an improvement."

  "Virgil!" Patton and Logan said at the same time. The anxious side shrunk back, a frown settling on his face.

  Logan slowly approached them, stopping as Deceit shifted to block Logan from reaching Remus, like a mother bear defending her cubs. Logan held up his hands, calm and quiet. Maybe Logan also saw the comparison, like Remus did. The way it seemed that Deceit might lash out if he took another step, like a wild animal. Afraid. Protective.

  "I only want to see how bad it is. Is that alright?" He asked, acting almost as if any loud noise or sudden movement would result in Deceit snapping. Maybe it would. Remus hadn't seen him like this in a long time.

  Deceit paused at Logan's words, before looking towards Remus. It would… it would probably be fine. Logan wasn’t cruel, or hateful. He was only unwelcoming and cold. Remus nodded hesitantly, and Deceit begrudgingly stepped aside to let Logan through. Remus eyed Logan warily as he stepped up to him, moving with that same calm, soothing manner that he had with Deceit.

  "We saw you just this afternoon. How many hours has it been since you did this?" Logan asked gently, tilting his head to look closer at the stitching. Remus slowly held up four fingers, and Logan frowned. "This is… well, suffice it to say it's bad. We need to remove the stitches-"

  Remus shook his head sharply. Logan frowned, looking towards Deceit, a lost expression on his face.

  "Is there a problem?"

  "Well," Deceit said, smiling bitterly. "Since he did it for all of us, he'll only keep them if we all agree."

  "Oh, of course I don't want this!" Patton all but shrieked. "I might get overwhelmed by you, and not exactly like your contributions, but that doesn't- I never wanted this!"

  Roman stepped forwards, still blinking away his shock.

  "Remus?" He said quietly, sounding almost scared. "Is this… is this because of me? Of what I said today?"

  Remus looked away. It was, partially. He didn't blame them, though. But… based on their reactions… maybe he had gone too far?

  "W-well, if it's our stance on this you want, I…" Roman paused, clearing his throat and gathering the right words. "I would greatly prefer it if you let Logan help you. Actually, I'd prefer it if you had never done this in the first place. I'm… I'm sorry, Remus."

  "I believe that it's clear what I think," Logan said. "I apologize if I contributed to your decision. Please, allow me to assist you."

  Remus blinked, eyes stinging. He tried to open his mouth, wincing as pain shot through his lips and cheeks. Deceit sighed softly.

  "I don't agree with them."

  Remus wasn't sure what was going on. They all… they all thought this way? Had he really messed up so badly? Logan he had suspected, and he knew Deceit's opinion. Roman, though? Patton? He had thought they would be glad. Remus's gaze drifted to Virgil, along with every other Side. Virgil shrunk under the undivided attention.

  "I… Look," He sighed, "I don't like being tricked. I can see the signs of one, even if you guys can't."

  "Virgil," Patton said, confused. "Do you really think Remus would hurt himself just to make us feel bad? It… doesn't sound like him."

  "Maybe not," Virgil agreed. "But Deceit would do it."

  The entire room froze, holding its breath. A thousand thoughts ran through Remus's head in a single moment, but they all screeched to a halt as Deceit spoke, hands trembling slightly.

  "Who are you?" He asked softly, and Virgil flinched. "Clearly, you are not Anxiety. He was untrusting and as cold as he was paranoid, but he could still see the obvious. Not Virgil either. He was open and worried, but he saw clearly. So who are you? Who are you to be so cruel? So oblivious and uncaring?

  "Do you even hear yourself? You can't be Virgil. He actually knew us. He would know that I would never go this far. That I would never hurt him or Remus. So I will ask again; Who on this earth and all the rest do you think you are?! Who do you think you are to accuse me of that?! To accuse him of that?

  "Who are you?"

  Virgil stared at Deceit with wide eyes, along with everyone else in the room. Remus looked closer and- were there tears in Virgil's eyes?

  "I-I…" The anxious Side gaped, then frowned, and scowled, and then finally grimaced. "I just… Just… do whatever you want."

  With that, Virgil sunk out. Everything was quiet for a moment, before Logan coughed lightly.

  "W-well, we can handle that later," He said. "Before we do that, are you willing to remove the stitches now?"

  Remus hesitated, before nodding slightly. Patton glanced between them and the space where Virgil had disappeared, frowning in uncertainty, before Roman whispered something into his ear. Patton paused for just a moment before he nodded, ducking out after Virgil. That was probably for the best…

  Remus was led over to the couch, Deceit sitting on his left and Roman on his right. Logan knelt in front of him with a pair of small scissors and tweezers, gently cutting and pulling the string back through each stitch.

  It hurt, but Remus forced himself to hold still. It was… odd, to be surrounded by so many people that were there just to be there. Only the two of them were missing, and understandably so. Virgil… they'd have to talk with him soon. Hopefully Patton was dealing with that alright.

  After every stitch was removed, though his lips still stung, Remus opened his mouth and said the very first thing that popped into his mind;

  "T-thank you."

  "Of course," Logan said, smiling softly. "Just don't make a habit out of it."

  "I disagree," Deceit said, nodding. "I would not appreciate it if this was a one-time occurrence."

  Remus laughed softly, and… though they would still have to deal with Virgil, and for all that had happened, he thought that...

  That maybe, just maybe, it would all be okay.