#any Scooby Doo because I mean. we didn’t want a sweep

[the-magic-lava-lamp]

Soul Siblings

Summary:  This one-shot belongs to the ‘Caught Up In You’ universe which is my high school AU in which most characters are seniors (apart from the likes of Loki, Wanda, Pietro etc. who are Sophomores) ! 

However, this story takes place before the beginning of ‘Caught Up In You’, during Loki & Wanda’s freshmen year.

*Loki & Wanda Friendship* 

Word Count: 3,872

“You two almost ready up there?” 

Wanda nearly jumped at the sudden sound of her mother’s voice from below the carpeted bedroom floor. But thankfully, she remained perfectly still and was able to sweep the eyeliner brush across her lid in just the way she wanted & had practiced. 

Scooting her chair back from the large deep red vanity, Wanda checked herself out for a final full-look and tried to keep her pleased smile from taking over her face. 

“They’re not gonna let you out of the house like that.” 

Holding back the smile was no real effort now. Wanda pushed her hair so it could fall over her shoulders. A distant memory of Pietro falling down the stairs and knocking his front teeth out when they were around seven or eight came up in her mind while she fidgeted. “Just go downstairs and tell her we’re ready.” her voice was husky with annoyance. She hadn’t made fun of his silly front-toothless grin then but Pietro had no problem making fun of the way she had shrieked as if it were the end of the world and not just an early tooth fairy visit. 

Her brother flashed her an amused grin before thumping down the stairs with loud booming footsteps. Wanda allowed herself a minute to admire her work again before following after him. 

But it was the middle step, around stair five which was the one just above their cute little height markers drawn in pencil on the wall were, where she heard her mother gasp. “Wanda....” 

She popped her leg out and slapped her hand down to curl it against the railing. The traces of red glitter from the eye-shadow she’d used were shining against her skin. 

“It’s not that I don’t want you to express yourself-” 

Her mother climbed a few steps, trying to meet her daughter. Wanda only gave her a look that suggested a ‘But....?’ 

“This is a family dinner and you-”

“Look like you’re wearing a Halloween costume.” Pietro gave her a large smirk to which she rewarded him with a roll of her eyes. 

Their mother waved Pietro off and turned back to Wanda. “Why don’t you just take the makeup off and come have a nice dinner with us?” 

“Why should I? You guys never make a big deal out of Pietro going out in the same ugly track suit!” She shoved her hand out to point at him and her brother stepped forward to argue. “It’s just makeup.” 

“If it’s just makeup then can’t you do your mother this favor and wipe it off?” She pleaded and Wanda gripped the railing harder. 

“It’s ok to express myself as long as it’s not embarrassing for you. Got it.” She gave a passive-aggressive false smile and a thumbs up. 

“Wanda, you are fourteen years old and have black and red smudged all over your face like some kind of...” She waved her arm around but never did finish that sentence. “Just get cleaned up and we’ll go to that place you like so much, ok?” 

Wanda pursed her lips. “No! This is what I want to look like! I don’t understand why you’re being so controlling about it.” She growled. 

“Listen to your mother, Wanda.” Their father came in from the kitchen and stood at the front door but she was far too mad to really care. “Take off the makeup or you’re staying home.”

She gave them all a heated glare and crossed her arms. “I’m staying home, then.” and with that, she huffed dramatically and pounded her way back up the stairs. 

“Make sure to slam the door and stamp your feet some more while you’re pitching a fit like a child!” Her dad called out after her. 

“Ughhhhh, just leave!” 

She slammed the door and waited until she heard her family leave without her before hopping onto her bed. 

                               ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Soul sibling. That’s how they referred to each other since about the 3rd grade. Loki and Wanda had been introduced when the twins were new in town and were in desperate need of friends. Thus, their parents decided on making play-dates with some of the neighborhood kids. 

It was not an event that ever went smoothly. Mr. & Mrs. Maximoff quickly learned that though little Pietro was astoundingly social, he’d been very protective over his twin. And Wanda just never seemed to click with any play-mate the parents set them up with. Their little girl was quiet and mostly kept to herself. Though she’d open up about certain things...

it was just that none of the kids really wanted to talk about how she was a ‘witch’ or how she could ‘predict the weather’. And it was always a ruined play-date when Wanda pulled out her thick binder of Bella Sara cards. 

Most of the neighborhood kids just didn’t click with Wanda and so Pietro hadn’t made much of an effort either. The Maximoff’s had been worried their children just wouldn’t make friends at all. 

But then they set up a play-date with two brothers who lived close by. The younger, Loki, was the twins age of 8 and his brother,Thor, was three years older. 

Thor was a polite and energetic little kid that Pietro got along well enough with but the real magic was that Wanda finally seemed to have found a friend she could bond with. Finally. The Maximoff’s felt extremely comforted by the fact that their daughter wasn’t alone. 

The Odinson’s told them all about Loki. He too was a bit of an off-beat child that didn’t play well with others, even his brother on the occasion. He was a tad bit mischievous, absolutely refused to cut his long shaggy black hair, and sometimes wore his mothers large rings, insisting he could do magic. He spent most of his time isolated (though Thor was always willing to spend time with him). The Odinson’s had been a little nervous about the making friends aspect of school as Loki grew. 

Both sets of parents couldn’t believe their relief when Wanda started her speech about being a witch and Loki only listened with interested ears. They let go of the breath they’d been holding when he offered her some of the rings on his fingers. 

They couldn’t believe their lucky. At the moment, it didn’t even matter if the other two kids got along. That had been the most comforting sense of relief that a parent could have.

And so from then on, Loki & Wanda had been best friends. And Pietro was feeling less like he had to watch over her so much. Wanda had a friend. They passed around a journal at school, wore gaudy friendship mood-rings, begged to be driven to the mall, and made potions in the kitchen at 3 a.m. during sleepovers. 

They’d spent many nights over at each other’s houses, talking about things they couldn’t talk about with anyone else. 

So when the call came, Loki didn’t hesitate before picking up the same over-night bag and walking the short distance to Wanda’s house. They lived just about a block away from each other and her home was tucked into the middle of a quiet street. 

“They just don’t get it! No one understands.” Wanda wined as she padded up and down her carpet, bare-feet sinking in slightly. Loki followed her movement with his eyes but remained silent because it was best not to interrupt her. He only gave her a look. 

“Except you!” she added with a small smile before leaning back on her vanity. “It’s just that...” She fiddled with her fingers.

“I’m listening.” Loki hummed and she threw him a light smile. 

“It’s annoying when I can’t be myself, y’know?” She stepped away and came towards the edge of the bed where Loki was perched, legs crossed with his hands folded together. 

“Oh, I know.” He huffed, eyes rolling in that flawless way of his. “At least you don’t have my dad. He thinks he’s subtle about...” his voice trailed off “Not liking my personality, to be blunt, but he’s not.” His shoulders shrugged and Wanda put on a deep frown. 

“At least you have your mom and Thor.” She reminded him gently and he made an amused expression. “Pietro doesn’t even seem to like me anymore. He’s always got something to mean say about the way I dress or my makeup.” 

Loki glanced up to take another good look at her makeup. “Well, You’re still not very good at it.” He pursed his lips but was rewarded with a punch in the arm and Wanda punched hard. She wasn’t weak but she wasn’t really aware of that yet. “Ow! I’m sorry. You’re getting better, truly.” he put his arms up in mock surrender. 

Loki learned early on in their friendship that he couldn’t be quite as snide as he usually was with Wanda. She was a sensitive girl but it was the first time he ever valued a friendship, so Loki made the effort. “Your brother’s just in that phase where he’s got to tease you. It’s like...a rite of passage.” He gently patted her hand. 

“Thor doesn’t tease you that much.” 

“That’s because I tease him.” Loki grinned, wide and mischievous. “Anyway, not that listening to your misery isn’t fun-because it is...” He pinched her hand and she smacked his arm. “But can we move on to something else? A movie maybe?” 

Wanda grinned. “Movie, huh?” 

“Oh-no.” He sighed, rubbing his hand down his face. “Wanda, we’re not watching that.” He crawled over to fetch her laptop which was sitting atop her nightstand and started typing. 

“Please?” 

“Pick something else! You always pick that one!” Loki rolled his eyes but he knew this was a losing battle for Wanda was already setting it up her way. She got her DVD and shoved it into the player before hopping down next to him, again not gently. Loki nearly shot up from the force of her jump but was weighed down by Wanda resting her chin on his shoulder. 

As ‘Scooby-Doo & The Witch’s Ghost’ flashed on screen, Wanda burrowed her arm into Loki’s and watched him browse her computer. 

He opened her Facebook messages and sighed. “He never answered you, huh?” Loki tried to look down at her but his vision was clouded with her hair. 

“Nope!” Wanda lifted her head and slammed her back against the wall but she wasn’t even close to upset. In fact, she was more amused. She kept their arms interlocked but was now leaning on her light red wall and kicking her feet. 

“Remind me why you like Steve right now?” Loki raised his brow and tilted his head slightly as he flicked through her recent messages. Wanda hummed. 

“He’s really...” She blinked, in long thought and Loki held back a laugh. “Sweet.” 

His laugh came out then and she smacked him but not quite so hard. “I’m serious. He was really nice to me when he was at your house with Thor.” She picked at the nail polish on her fingers. “We’re gonna be in Student Council together when it starts up!” She grinned and shuffled to tuck her legs under herself. Loki rolled his eyes. “Why don’t you like him?” 

“For starters, he’s very boring.” He happily replied and even took the time to glance at her before returning to his 'work’ which Wanda had 100% stopped paying attention to. “And so...painfully...plain. Nothing special about him.” 

His friend whistled to his right and watched the TV screen as she spoke. “I should’ve known he’s not your type. That’s why you’re into Tony.” She giggled, tossing the remote and catching it flawlessly no matter how she twirled it. “He’s so eccentric. Like you.” She crinkled her nose and turned up the volume. 

The television fuzzed a little in focus before it fixed itself and Loki chuckled. “Yeah but he’s eccentric in a...party boy nerd way. And I’m eccentric in a...” Loki paused, trying to find his words. 

“Moody, emo, drama kid kind of way?” Wanda poked his arm.

Loki poked his elbow into her side. “Yeah...” He nodded. “That’s why I’m much too good for him. But I’ll give it a pass if he ever shows interest.” He winked a Wanda whistled loudly. 

Loki and Wanda had major crushes as often as people ate. At least every week there’d be a new guy on their radar. 

Wanda reached over the laptop and grabbed a scrunchie from her nightstand. “Guess I’m gonna wash this makeup off if we’re gonna get comfortable.” She sighed, dissapointed but not surprised that it never got to see the light of day, just the light of her flickering lamp. 

“If it helps, I like it.” Loki flashed her a grin and hoped it didn’t come of as sarcastic. He’d been told countless times that his joy could sound that way. But Wanda nodded with genuine understanding. “You’re just not so great at the girl stuff, huh?” He teased her some more and gently smacked the back of his hand against her arm. 

“I’m really not.” She giggled and scampered off to the bathroom that joined to her room, which was a blessing. But left the door cracked a little so she could listen to the television. “Remember when I tried to curl your hair and burned all my fingers and your neck?” Her laughter was loud and bubbly which countered the girls dark personality. It was very contagious. 

Loki put on an annoyed tone. “How could I forget? That was a fun thing to explain to my parents when they saw the mark.” 

Her laughter was getting to the point where she must’ve been shaking in silent giggles behind the door. 

As the sink began to run, Loki glanced up and fondly rolled his eyes at the movie because ‘How many times could Wanda watch this and not get sick of it?’. He heard the familiar creaks of her home from behind the fuzzy TV and felt comfort wash over him. Which, he wouldn’t admit to needing but he really did. 

They’d just started their Freshman year and he would be lying if he didn’t say he was nervous. But that was fine. He liked to lie. So he could mask that feeling well. Though it wasn’t just that. 

As he entered High School, Thor was starting his second half. a Junior. And although he put on a front, Loki was actually very close to his brother. Not many people but Wanda were aware of that. 

Loki mercilessly teased Thor but who else was he gonna record doing stupid things? Who else would understand him in the same way that his brother did? He didn’t like to admit it but Thor was his best friend in a different way then Wanda was.  

Having a brother meant having someone you can have a knock-down-drag-out fight with but still get ice cream with a 3 a.m.

And soon enough, that could be coming to an end. 

He glanced up at the bathroom door, hearing Wanda stumble through a mumbled version of Fleetwood Mac’s ‘Gypsy’ as she splashed her face with water. “You know, my dad thinks we’re dating.” 

“Gross. Why?” She spoke from behind the door as she opened and closed multiple drawers. 

Loki had to agree with her immediate reaction. “Well, the curling iron incident probably didn’t help...plus, remember when he came to wake us up and we were sleeping in the same bed?” 

Wanda snorted. “That was because you made me watch those scary videos-!” 

“They’re not scary! You’re just too easily scared.” 

“I am not and you know it!” Wanda stuck her head out of the door, ponytail flopping downwards. “People need to respect ghosts and NOT try to antagonize them.” She scoffed and he shrugged. 

“Anyway, he’s been calling you my little girlfriend for ages.” Loki’s voice was small and a little insecure which did not happen often. “I don’t mind it so much because I’m not sure how he’d react to me being gay, y’know?” Loki frowned and Wanda gripped the side of the door. 

She was about to speak some genuine words and he knew that just by her expression. But it was too much for him at the moment so he decided to change the subject.

“Speaking of parents...” He flicked his tongue. “When are yours due back and are they gonna be upset with my being here?” He asked as she moved back to the bathroom. 

“I don’t know. They’re only getting dinner. So probably soon.” There were a few more shuffling sounds. “And they gotta be used to you showing up by now.” 

The room went silent for a few minutes besides Wanda running the sink a few more times. So Loki glanced back at the screen. 

“You’re about to miss the whole reason you love this movie.” 

The girl shoved the door open and darted over to the bed once more and hopped next to him. This time she dangled her legs over the side and he set aside her laptop. 

‘I'm gonna cast a spell on you You're gonna do what I want you to Mix it up here in my little bowl Say a few words and you lose control...’

“I'm a Hex Girl and I'm gonna put a spell on you. I'm gonna put a spell on you!” Wanda playfully pushed Loki as she sung along. This part of the girl was hardly ever seen by anyone but him. She was so quiet in school. 

Wanda sank back into the bed, the palms of her hands buried in the blankets. “Besides her whole Vampire thing-I never had a vampire phase, I always knew I was a witch girl-she’s my style icon.” Wanda pointed out the same girl she did every-time they watched this movie. “I wanna dye my hair that red color.” 

Her lips pursed sadly and Loki had about enough of that kinda mood for one night. “Why don’t you dye it then?” 

She scoffed. “Sure.” 

But Loki picked up his phone and started texting before even looking at her again. She paused the movie and tried to peek over his shoulder. “What are you doing?” 

The man didn’t answer until he got a satisfying reply bell back and proceeded to leap off the bed. “Thor’s picking us up to take us to a CVS or something.” And with that, he twirled out of the room and picked up his night-bag on the way out.

“Text your parents and tell them your staying over at my house! Things could get messy and you’re bathroom’s way too nice to destroy!” 

Wanda widened her eyes and stood still for a moment or two before doing just as Loki told her and rushing down the steps after him. Her bedroom door hung open.

                      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

The turning blinker was beating in their ears and the glare of the red light was almost painful. Loki leaned back on the fabric seats of Thor’s car which had been a gift from their parents and sighed. Rain splattered against the window and provided a nice background noise to their record silence. 

“You know, one of you could sit up here with me for once. It’s pretty lonely.” Thor teased, though he was kinda serious, as he tapped his fingers against the wheel to the blinker’s beat. 

There was about two different ways for Loki to respond, Wanda learned. The boy was either going to be a little smart mouthed kid and make a comment back to him. Or, Loki was-

‘-Oh, looks like he went for the second option.’ 

Wanda laughed as Loki reached over to smack the back of Thor’s head. The two brothers smacked each other around so often and it never seemed to bother either of them where their location was. 

This was far from the first time she’d seen them attempt to fist-fight while Thor was driving. Wanda let them do their little skit and took some time to zone-out as water pitter-pattered against the window. 

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CVS was playing a far off version of ‘Fly Me to the Moon’ when the three idiots in their Pajamas stared at box-dyes in the hair-care aisle. 

Thor, the largest, was curled up criss-cross style on the rough carpet. He was digging deep into the bottom shelf and pulling out whatever colors he thought the others might enjoy. 

Loki was completely off-topic and not all there with his eyes targeting the last half of the aisle. Which was made up of useless home-ware and a half-broken into Lava lamp box because suburban drug stores never made any fucking sense. 

And Wanda was hovering between them with her pinky finger resting unconsciously on her bottom lip. 

They were frozen in their positions for a good solid five minutes which actually clocked in around ten minutes in small-town shopping time. 

Somebody in the store checked out with a loud beep, the double-doors slid open, and with no warning the fuzzy song above them made an abrupt change in genres to ‘Somebody's Watching Me’. 

Wanda popped out her leg and knelt down next to Thor, who at that very second held up a ruby red shade that was just what she wanted. 

The electric doors came open again and momentarily allowed the sound of rain to take over the music before it was muffled all over again. 

“-All I want is to be left alone, in my average home But why do I always feel Like I'm in the Twilight Zone?”

From two aisles over, somebody sneezed over another person’s question of the time. 

“You’re paying, right?” Loki smirked at Thor but the gentle giant only nodded and ruined the annoying little brother game.

Loki paid and they escaped back out into the rain. 

                          ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“She is like a cat in the dark and then She is the darkness She rules her life like a fine skylark and when The sky is starless-”

Wanda sang into the tiny brush before once more running it down a chunk of her hair. Performing effortlessly in the Odinson bathroom while drowning in an old sweatshirt of Thor’s which he’d offered kindly so as not to ruin her outfit. 

Loki, who’d been watching from the edge of the tub, took the opportunity to swipe the brush from her fist and go about the back of her hair. Wanda would surely miss a large space if he didn’t do it for her. As much as she wanted ruby red hair, she was still a teenager with loads of other junk on her mind. 

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During the thirty minutes of waiting, Thor made them popcorn and humored Wanda in her questions about Steve. He genuinely loved hanging out with his little brother and his friend even when Loki shoved him out of the room. 

But Loki asked him back for the hair reveal. 

Thor’s little brother playfully rubbed the towel against Wanda’s head a couple times before finally sliding it off. 

The shining ruby hair flopped from the cloth and water-falled off the smiling girl’s shoulders. 

Clearly, the day had turned out much better than she expected. Her smile was the dead giveaway of her joy. 

[miafic]

With a long, low groan and a heaving ribcage, Lucas collapsed down onto Megan’s chest.

“There you go,” Megan told him soothingly, already moving her fingers into his long hair. “You did so good.”

Lucas scoffed lightly but didn’t speak. He just closed his eyes and focused on catching his breath. Her lips pressed against his sweaty forehead, and, without looking up, Lucas muttered, “We’ve got to stop doing this.”

“Okay,” she replied easily.

“I’m serious this time.”

“That’s what you say every time,” she hummed.

“I mean it.”

“Lucas.”

“Hm?”

“Look at me.”

“I’m tired,” he protested.

“I know, but look at me.”

He obliged.

“We’re not hurting anyone. And every week is a long week for you, and you get one day to yourself. I don’t know how you do it.”

“Neither do I,” Lucas admitted, still just a little out of breath, “but it’s no excuse. If one of the boys was doing something like this, I would tell them th-”

“You’re an adult.”

“And you’re my friend,” he countered, pushing himself up to sit. He straightened his shirt, moving it back into place since Megan had twisted it while she’d been reaching underneath.

“And I want to do this, and you want to do this… what’s the problem?”

“I don’t want to do this. We’re not married, we’re not even together, I’m-”

“Then we won’t. It’s fine.”

Lucas blew out a frustrated breath and started sweeping his hair into a bun.

“No,” Megan frowned.

He looked over at her and let go of his locks, allowing them to fall haphazardly over his shoulders.

“Look, if you want to quit, we can quit,” she stated. “That’s fine. I’ve got plenty of guys who will actually put their dicks in me. And girls are my favorite, anyway, I think.”

The worst part was that she didn’t even sound upset. Lucas knew that her feelings genuinely weren’t hurt. Whatever you want, she’d always told him. She was down for anything and nothing, and Lucas truly believed her when she said that she didn’t mind either way whether or not they… what could he even call this?

“Yeah, well,” he sighed, standing up, “I’ve got morals.”

“So do I.”

“That wasn’t a dig at you,” he said quickly as he turned to face her.

She smiled. “I know.”

“Look, I still don’t want you to think I’m using you. I’m-”

“Lucas. Chill. You’re not using me.”

“Then what the hell am I doing?” he mumbled under his breath, but she must have heard the words, because she answered them.

“You’re enjoying your day off. You said yourself you hardly ever get to jack off at the house-”

Lucas winced at her blunt use of the words.

“-and dude, you work harder than anybody I know. You need this.”

“No, I don’t.” And with that, he disappeared into the bathroom to clean up.

When he emerged a few minutes later, Megan patted the bed. “Come here. Come sit down.”

He dropped his shoulders and looked at her through weary eyes.

“Come here,” she repeated.

He sat back down on the bed, but she motioned for him to lie down beside her. He did, not wanting to raise any more tension, and she reached for his hair again, running her hands over the crown of his head.

“I need a shower,” he told her as he stared at the tie-dye tapestry hanging on the wall.

“That’s okay.” She combed her fingers through his hair over and over again, lightly scratching her nails against his scalp in little zigzags to relax him.

Between that and the smell of the incense burning all around him, Lucas’ eyes grew droopy and started to close.

“You need rest. You need to relax. All you’re doing when you come here is letting me help you with both of those things. That’s it.”

“You shouldn’t have to help me.”

“You guys pay me to let you use the room, and you always buy your own food. This is the only help I can give. Plus, remember the part where we’re friends?” 

“Well, we definitely have to stop the sex.”

“It’s not sex, Lucas,” she said with a giggle. “I’ve never even seen you naked.”

He looked up and gave her a halfhearted glare.

“You are pretty hot, though. I wouldn’t mind it. You’d be good; I can tell.”

He glared harder, and she laughed.

With a sigh, she said, “You know, I miss you when you’re gone. Zakk, too. And you know what’s weird?”

“What’s weird?” he asked, scooting forward to lie his head on her chest. He closed his eyes again.

“You and Zakk are always together - like, always, right?”

“Right…”

“But I’ve never seen you both at the same time.”

“We’re Batman.”

“What?”

He smiled to himself, not opening his eyes. “Nothing, it’s this… dumb thing. You never see Br… never mind.”

“Hm.” She carded her fingers through his hair one more time and then reached down to start rubbing his back with both hands.

“Why are you so nice?” Lucas asked through a heavy exhale. “Zakk says you’re like this with him, too.”

“Humans need love,” she replied simply, “and you two are starved for it.”

“No, we’re not.”

“You are,” she said, her tone serious. “It’s heartbreaking.”

“Do you have sex with him?”

She laughed. “No. But we kiss sometimes.”

“Yeah, that’s what he told me, too.”

“Ooh, you’re talking about me?”

“Well, yeah. You know. ‘How’s Megan?’”

“‘How’s Megan,’” she echoed in amusement.

“And then he’s always like, ‘She’s good. She made me vegan oatmeal, and then we made out for an hour, and then we watched a bunch of Scooby-Doo, and I don’t remember anything after that.’”

“Sounds about right,” she chuckled. “He always falls asleep in front of the TV eating his damn fruit snacks, and I have to get him up and walk him to the guest room, and he conks right back out.”

“I’m surprised he doesn’t sleep in your hammock.”

“Yeah, he’s asked once or twice, but nobody’s allowed to.”

“What?” Lucas asked.

“That’s out of bounds. I have people here every day, but the hammock is just for me.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah. Hey, do you want dinner soon?”

“Is it that late already?”

“Five thirty.”

Ugh.

“Shower, hair, Pizza Hut?” she asked knowingly.

“Okay,” Lucas murmured, although he didn’t make a move to get up.

She was quiet for a moment. Then, “Nap, shower, hair, Pizza Hut?”

“I shouldn’t…”

But then her gentle nails started back up in his hair, and he let out an honest-to-god moan.

“I already kind of have to pee, so don’t sleep too long.”

“Wake me up at six thirty?”

“Six fifteen, and not a minute later,” she told him. “You can go sleep in your room for as long as you want, but if you wanna stay with me-”

“I do.”

“Then six fifteen.”

“Okay.”

Lucas wanted to rest longer - a lot longer - but maybe she was right. Humans did need love, and maybe he just wasn’t getting enough.

[gold-from-straw]

Enough - ch6/8 (possibly 9...)

AT LAST! Erik arrives, half way through the fic! On the plus side, this is now ACTUALLY and officially a Cherik fic since they are at least on screen together. on the down side... this is not going to make it any less angsty, I’m sorry!

Read from the start on AO3!

Charles regretted being out in New York on the day of the protest. The streets were crowded with mutants and allies, and behind them trailed the counter protesters, the ugly hum of anger thick in the air, pressing on his temples and making him flinch at shadows.

He hurried down the side street. His errand was over, another student booked to visit the school in a week. Luckily this one had supportive parents who wanted to look around as well, make sure their child was going to be well cared for while they learned to hone and control their teleporting powers.

He heard the minds before he saw the men, before he heard their feet pounding on the tarmac. Run quick round here Trask’s waiting we’ll get him fuck he’s fast run!

Charles flinched back as two men raced past. Even with the loud projecting, they were both surrounded by a haze of fear, but unlike someone just running away, they were also saturated with anticipation… even excitement.

Seconds behind them, legs and arms pumping, came a tall, furious looking man, projecting determination, and righteous anger, and Charles knew with a horrifying certainty that he was running into a trap. “Wait!” he yelled, and tore after him.

He could hear the voices ahead of him, the first men had doubled back and were standing with a trio of other minds, and in a panic, Charles reached out into the pursuer’s mind and cried out again, wait!

The man stopped and spun on his heel, glaring at Charles. “Was that you?”

Charles caught up to him, breathing hard, and held his finger to his lip. But it was too late - the other minds were coming closer, anticipation a tingling zing to the edges of their minds. “Please, trust me?” he asked the tall man.

The man curled his lip up, but before he could retort, the ambush arrived.

Charles gripped the man’s elbow and concentrated hard, pressing his fingers to his temple in his old childhood crutch. He reached into their minds, a part of him already bemoaning the loss of his morals, yet again, and simply cut himself and the man out of their awareness.

“Well, where the hell is he?”

“He was right here!”

“What are you--”

Shhh! Charles insisted in the man’s mind, and oh God he had such a beautiful mind, it was all he could do not to reach in, brush against all the sweeping lines, the architecture of it. It’s harder if you talk.

“You said he was following you!” snapped one of the ambushers, a bulky guy in combat trousers and black boots.

“He was,” insisted the second runner who’d passed Charles. He was almost pleading with his boss.

“Well he sure as hell ain’t here now,” yelled Combats. “You fucked up, that’s what happened. You were supposed to piss Lehnsherr off enough that he’d have to follow you, and now what? What are we going to do with the transport we’ve hired?”

The man at Charles' side, Lehnsherr, tensed at this, radiating a fury so powerful that Charles was amazed the attackers couldn’t feel it.

“I swear, boss, he was following us,” whined runner number two. “He should be here.”

“He was, definitely,” nodded runner number one, nodding. “We hit that blonde bitch with the dart, and we made sure he saw us - he was definitely coming after us.”

Combats threw his hands up. “Well he’s not here now, is he?”

The two runners looked at each other and shuffled their feet like naughty schoolboys as their boss ranted and raved. Charles was considering pushing them to leave, making the decision for them, when Lehnsherr reached out his hand. The metal of the fire escapes whipped out like cobras, curling tendrils around the three men’s arms and hauling them up, trapping them against the wall. Lehnsherr grinned, all his teeth showing in vicious glee, and stepped forwards out of Charles’ grip, lifting a huge rubbish skip in front of the screaming, writhing captives.

For a moment, Charles was staggered by the overwhelming beauty of his mind as he used his powers, aurorae dancing around his senses, reaching out and limning all the metal in the immediate vicinity with a twisting light. He lost his grip on the men’s minds as he stared and soaked up the incredible presence.

Then he yelled and rushed forwards, standing between the men and Lehnsherr. “Don’t! You’ll kill them!”

“Yes, that’s rather the point,” he said dryly.

“You can’t just kill them!”

“It’s better than what they’d have done to me, isn’t it? I bet they’d take you, as well, a powerful telepath like yourself. Where did you have in mind, boys? Some lab somewhere in the wilderness? Pump me full of drugs, see how far you can push me, how much it’ll take to tear away my powers, how much it’ll take to make them explode uncontrolably? Why do you think I should let you live?”

His mind was sharp-edged with fury and grief, but Charles held up both his hands and took a step closer. “Because you have it in you to be the better man.”

“We already are the better men,” he snarled. “These… these baselines are the Neanderthals of the present, they know they’re in the presence of the next stage of human evolution, and they’re fighting their own extinction.”

Charles rolled his eyes so hard it hurt. “Oh, and you were doing so well! Don’t tell me you’re still subscribing to that utterly Victorian notion that evolution is a linear process with some sort of optimum species in mind. And here I was thinking you were intelligent - your mind is so beautiful, how can you still believe that Homo neanderthalis was in any way inferior to Homo sapiens? You do know that nearly all people of European origin have approximately two percent Neanderthal DNA, and that Neandertals and Homo sapiens populations lived side by side for centuries, interbreeding, until finally genetic drift and climate change and the end of the megafauna spelled the end of them, don’t you?”

The alleyway was silent. Water dripped in the corner.

Charles cleared his throat. “Anyway. What I’m saying is that… umm… just don’t use biology as your excuse for bigotry and supremacist leanings.”

Lehnsherr bit his lip, creases forming at the corners of his eyes. “Two percent, hmm?”

“Yes,” said Charles primly, crossing his arms.

“Well, that’s very interesting information, Mr…?”

“Xavier. Charles Xavier. Now, are you going to put that skip down?”

“Skip?”

“Garbage… thing. Whatever you Americans call it.”

“I’m not American, I’m German.”

“Well, I don’t know what you call it in Germany- look, are you going to put it down or are you going to discuss linguistics?”

“I’d much rather discuss biology,” he said, lowering the skip to the ground and completely ignoring the squirming, yelling humans still pinned to the wall behind them. “Say, over coffee?”

Charles blinked rapidly. “I… I beg your pardon?”

Lehnsherr held up his hands. “Sorry, I mean… platonic coffee would be good too. But if my gaydar is correct...”

“You want to take me out for coffee?”

“If you want to accompany me, yes.”

Charles opened and shut his mouth, completely lost for words. He bit his lip, and Lehnsherr flicked his eyes down, and back up to his eyes. “Ummm… your, uh… your gaydar’s correct,” he said at last, weakly.

Lehnsherr grinned, shark-like, and his mind sparked at the edges, like flint on steel. “Excellent. Oh- I do still want to hear more about Neanderthals, of course. I’m not just asking you out because you’ve got glorious blue eyes and the most fantastic mutation I’ve ever seen.”

Charles’ butterflies didn’t know what to do with themselves. He felt himself breaking into a wide, utterly silly grin, and goodness knows what he would have said if the captives hadn’t spoken up just then.

“Oh, Christ, they’re faggots as well.”

Charles turned and narrowed his eyes at them as Lehnsherr lifted the skip again, making them shriek and howl in fear. He held out his hand to Lehnsherr. “Wait, I’ve got a better idea. One that won’t send you to prison.” He pulled out his phone and dialed. “Hey, Moira? Yes, we’ve got three men here who just attacked my friend and I. If you come down to…” he looked around. “Cortlandt alley, I think? I’ll check and text you my location anyway. We’ve got a lovely little trio, armed with tranquilisers and suppressants, and a van somewhere they’ve been planning to use to transport their victims. Oh, perfect. Thank you, Moira, I owe you one.” He glanced up at Lehnsherr. “I think my friend and I will clear out before you get here. It’s still a bit hairy for mutants in this area, if you know what I mean. Yes, thank you. You know how to get hold of me.”

He hung up and smiled sweetly at the men, straining at their bonds. “You’ll never get away with this, mutie scum,” snarled one of them.

Charles pursed his lips and tutted. “Oh really. This isn’t Scooby-doo. And I have very good links with the local police. And quite exceptional lawyers, as well.” He turned to Lehnsherr. “Shall we?”

Lehnsherr raised an eyebrow, mischief twinkling. “I still say we should kill them.”

Charles shrugged. “Well, as I said, my lawyers really are very good, so…”

He laughed, throwing his head back, and Charles felt shockwaves of desire rushing through him. He pushed them back, trying to stay pragmatic. He would enjoy this for as long as he got, but at some point this gorgeous man, this beautiful mind, would remember what he was, what he could do, and he’d move on. But first, maybe there would be coffee…

[cosmosogler]

hi guys. today i set an alarm to start writing. so it is exactly 10. but my water bottle is not full!!!

you know what snoopy likes to do? she likes to go over to her water bowl and shove her head under the fountain and let it run all over her food mat and the floor. and it makes the water bowl very empty very fast. the dry motor running kept me up last night so i had to unplug the bowl or else i’d have to refill it every 20 minutes because snoopy felt like taking a shower in the middle of the night.

she woke me up with her yowling many, many times. i think it’s because she broke a nail. she does it every night though. but i do find her claws when i sweep the floors most weeks. need to look into that.

she also bumps things and scooby-doos on the wood flooring and starts screeching so i’m thinking she doesn’t have very good traction in general.

i wanted to write about my dream when i woke up but i forgot it now.

i didn’t want to do anything when i woke up and i was 5 minutes late for class because i put off eating breakfast for so long. i took notes just fine though. and i followed the quantum lecture a little better today.

in classical we talked about the midterm happening tomorrow. the professor didn’t want to commit to any one problem not being on the test. to encourage us he said “i don’t think you’ll DIE.......”

i said “you underestimate my power.”

no one in the classroom seemed to have heard it, i was kinda mumbling. so i sent it to my sister and she replied “#relatable”. 

i texted back and forth with her three or four times over the course of the day. i was thinking about it last night, i’d wanted to try catching up a little bit. i dunno. my siblings and i just don’t seem to have much to say to each other unless we are literally locked in a small area together. like a six hour car ride.

none of us is very emotionally well adjusted. and we all adjusted in wildly different ways. so when a topic comes up we don’t always... have compatible reactions, i guess you could say.

like my brother tries to ignore it. he gets mad when i ask how he’s doing. when i complain about something mom did my sister says “so what” half the time and “haha yeah” the other half. it’s a toss up. 

it’s really fun when my parents dogpile my brother or sister and i tell them to cut it out and then get snapped at for defending them. i think it annoys my sister too when i do that. the more resistance you put up the harder they pound at the walls. all i really manage to do for her is make them more angry and unreasonable. and then they punish her partly because she’s in trouble and partly to spite anyone who jumped in to defend.

i wish i was closer with my siblings. it’s really hard to talk about anything though when mom and dad are around. and when we’re home we mostly just keep to ourselves. my brother never wants to do anything except play league. he never even went with me when i took the dogs for walks after he turned like 13. he would do it some of the time before that but he’d ride his skateboard out in the road so it’s not like we talked.

and i couldn’t find justin or skyler on facebook or anything. they have the most generic last name ever so it’s impossible. and glenn wouldn’t give me their contact info. i mean, i didn’t ask, but when dawn asked for me he said no. i don’t think that’s something that will happen for a long time, if ever.

the funeral wasn’t a good time to dig in to the sibling mystery.

anyway class went fine. lunch went fine. we huddled around the blackboard while my classmates talked about their homework that was due today. i’m not in graduate e&m with them as i’ve... mentioned. harrison heard me bite into my sandwich, looked over at me, and said “why are you even here?”

i said “because i like you guys.” and took another huge bite.

harrison made an exaggeratedly confused face and rebika said “awww!” suzanne took a picture of all of us.

i can’t ever tell if i look weird or not in pictures with other people. i hope it’s ok that i posted this. i mean we’re not doing anything except talking about integrals.

(i’m the one with the sandwich.)

then i went to my office for my office hour. no one came in but i worked through a whole classical homework assignment in an hour and a half. then i went back to suzanne’s office for the half hour before class, mostly to have a snack and try to relax. 

in undergrad e&m i took as many notes as i could in as much detail as i could. the professor writes faster than i do so i fell behind... at the end he erased the answer before i could write it down. i was going to give myself a hernia from how hard i was anger vibrating. 

after class i waited outside the grad e&m classroom and charged in as soon as one person filed out. i got suzanne to explain basically the entire lecture to me one step at a time. we actually got through the problem in about 15 minutes... i felt a little more grounded when we actually found the problem the professor had been referencing.

see, he expects all of us to have memorized the book and just says what a problem number is before writing down the answer that takes the whole lecture to get through. then we gotta do five of them during the test, which is also the length of a lecture!!!

it’s so intimidating though. i don’t know how he makes e&m so cryptic. i can do quantum mechanics better than i can do e&m. this is ridiculous.

i really was gonna cry with frustration though. i felt a lot better after talking it out with suzanne for a few minutes and figuring out where some stuff came from that had seemed to materialize out of the ether during the lecture. 

at one point the professor had stopped and turned toward us and said “does this make sense?” and one guy, bless his soul, raised his hand and started asking a question. the professor cut him off. 

“not right now, i’m doing a thing, wait until after the lecture,” he muttered. he also gets annoyed with people for asking questions if it’s mentioned anywhere in the book or on his schedule. but even i know that not everyone can retain information they read as well as information they personally have a conversation about.

anyway after that i took a 25-minute break, gave my trail mix to keegan and rebika, and worked on a single problem from the second classical homework assignment. it took forever. i really don’t feel good about this test. i know that i have to lie to myself and say that i’ll do fine though to even have a chance of actually doing fine. 

i realized that i didn’t have the quantum homework for wednesday done so i spent basically the rest of the day working on that with suzanne and jennica. still having trouble understanding what the question is asking for... i need to learn how to interpret more key words. i just have so much trouble figuring out where to start. when harrison left i gave him one of my apple cinnamon fig newton bars. 

i dunno everyone gets hungry before they leave! and we all live like 20-40 minute walks away from campus and not all of us have bikes.

i’ve been in a much better mood since starting to pack trail mix and stuff though. keeps my stomach settled better.

i biked home in the rain. when i got home i was soaked so i put on my pajama pants and made dinner shirtless. didn’t much care for it but i didn’t want to be still wet when i put on a shirt. i don’t like my scar being so exposed, mostly. and my incisions from my surgery in july, which still haven’t finished healing. they are still red and slightly raised.

i made taco rice for dinner since it’s easy and there’s a lot of it and it’s filling. it was just one of those pre-made meals you boil for a little while.

then i put together a lecture for my lab section tomorrow morning. hopefully that will partially make up for the fact that i don’t have their labs graded even a little bit! just didn’t get around to it with everything else going on. i talked to my classmates and my supervisor chuck about it and they all said that was normal and fine. chuck said not to worry about it. he also said to get some sleep and that he better not catch us wearing the same shirts as yesterday. “no all-nighters,” he said.

after that i worked on another problem from classical and got just as turned around. i’m going to have to talk with my classmates about it tomorrow. i’ve got the basics down really well, and i think i can do the tensor gymnastics pretty ok now that i understand indices and inverses way better. i also talked to asher a little bit about his new dog, who is a turbo cutie. 

now it’s just about 10:45, which is my designated “stop rambling and get ready for bed you maniac” time. 

worried about the test... worried. my e&m test is also on friday. not sure how to make the time i have this week work for me. guess i’ll put a lot of effort into therapy too.

oh! speaking of. good thing about me is that when i was biking up the hill on my way home i didn’t realize i was a gear higher than normal! no wonder i zipped right up there. so i guess i am getting into better shape. and i had a snack before i left so i wasn’t suffering the whole ride home. i am Taking Better Care of myself. 

and... i have been studying. real studying. it’s gotta be enough.

and i got a passing grade on my classical homework for once in my life!!!!!!!! 82 isn’t bad.

[radioleary-blog]

Trump vs. Mueller: The Interview

First of all, congratulations on reading. It’s a dying art, like soap making, or scrimshaw, or critical thinking. These are all dying arts. I knew a girl who made psychedelic T-shirts to sell at Phish shows, but that was more of a dye-ing art. Did I have to start this column with a pun? “Oh yeah!” And I say “Oh Yeah!” just like the Kool-aid man. You know the Kool-aid man, right? I like his style, smashing through the wall of your house and doing thousands of dollars in structural damage and creating an insurance nightmare that will drag on for months. Not sure how a somehow sentient being who is made of glass and liquid can smash through concrete, but that’s the way it is. Never underestimate the power of sugar, I guess. And what was the deal that his face was made only of condensation? That sounds like a hellish existence, I’d probably be insane enough to try to commit suicide by smashing my glass body into cinder blocks and cement too.

Second, thanks for reading my column, you’re clearly a person of virtue and accomplishment, destined for greatness and getting lots of hot sex along the way.

Let’s get into it. One way or another, Trump is going to sit down with Robert Mueller. And we here at The Satire Day Evening Post, in cooperation with the RADIOLEARY Broadcasting Podcasting Association, have spent enormous amounts of federal grant money (that would have otherwise gone to the needy and blind) in order to research and predict the outcome of this interview. Using predictive algorithms and analytic software designed with reverse-engineered alien technology from flying saucer crash-site retrievals, along with a veritable army of prognosticators, dowsers, gypsy witches, remote viewers, seers, visionaries, mediums, extra-larges, sooth-sayers, shamans, telephone psychics, peyote salesmen, and fortune cookie authors, we have what we feel to be a complete and 100% accurate transcript of the Robert Mueller Donald Trump interview.

So look into the future with us, and someday soon we’ll say, “Hey, it wasn’t that far off.”

MUELLER: Mr. President, I want to thank you for coming here today to answer some questions. You had stated publicly many times how you looked forward to speaking to me under oath, and here we are. And all it took was an invitation. Followed by a Grand Jury subpoena. Followed by 11 months of litigation, and a year of well-orchestrated media attacks on me personally, attacks on the integrity of the Russia investigation in general, and the entire FBI and Justice Department.

TRUMP: It was my pleasure.

MUELLER: Now, I know that your legal advisers were worried this interview would be some sort of a “perjury trap”, but I assure you we just have some straightforward, simple questions we hope you can answer for us. We’re not looking to trick you or trap you in any way. Now, if you could just state your name for the record, please?

TRUMP: Yes, My name is Donald Trump and I’m guilty of treason.

MUELLER: Wait...What? May I remind you you’re under oath?

TRUMP: Oh right. My bad. Can I get a do-over on that one? I’m calling a mulligan.

MUELLER: Look, I.. okay, sure. Fine, whatever. Could you please state your name for the record?

TRUMP: My name is Donald J. Trump. And I’m guilty of treason. See, I almost forget the “J.” there for a minute. They told me you were tricky, but you can’t trip me up that easily, I’m a stable genius. You have to get up pretty early in the morning, if you want to see my insane Twitter rants. Okay, that’s take two, make sure you use take two, when is this episode going to air? I hope it’s sweeps week.

MUELLER: Did.. did you just say you’re guilty of treason?

TRUMP: Yep. They told me this interview was a perjury trap, that you’d try to get me to lie under oath, but I’m too smart for you. I’m like, an intelligent person. And I’m guilty of treason. Not lying. You can check. I am so completely guilty.

I committed treasonous acts against the United States and the people of the United States, I engaged in a criminal enterprise and conspiracy to overthrow the government, and I’ve served as a puppet dictator for a foreign power adversary. So by the U.S. military code of justice, I’m facing some very serious charges. I’m a baaad hombre. A tremendously bad hombre.

And I probably shouldn’t say this, but… I know where the Lindbergh baby’s buried. Hey, I didn’t kill it, I was just a boy at the time it happened. My dad killed it and I just held the ladder. It was a good thing I was there to hold the ladder or that baby might have fallen!

I probably shouldn’t have said that last part, but the lawyers said I couldn’t lie. You’re not going to trip me up that easily, Fox Mulder.

MUELLER: I’m former FBI head Bob Mueller, Mr. President, not Fox Mulder from the X-files.

TRUMP: Oh thank God it’s not Fox Mulder! That guy is really good with conspiracies! You mean I’ve been sweating it all this time for some guy named Bob Mueller? I don’t know who that is. I’ve never seen him on any shows, and I watch a lot of TV. I mean a truly amazing and tremendous amount of TV. Well, that explains why I haven’t seen Scully. She’s smart and sexy, like my daughter. The hot one, I mean.

But Fox Mulder? You know, it seems tio me that if Mulder just got on the internet for a few minutes, he could look up the information for himself and see that flying saucers are real. Because there’s like, three thousand physical trace evidence cases of UFOs that have been investigated and documented. And tens of millions of first-hand eyewitness statements and testimony, photographs, film and video, radar recordings, and Pentagon releases of classified military incidents and encounters with UFOs.

And I guess somehow this Mulder guy, who is supposed to be the FBI agent in charge of all this UFO stuff, somehow missed that in 2002 The French government, one of our most trusted NATO allies, released a position paper from the Defense Ministry that concluded that UFOs are extremely advanced extraterrestrial technology that poses a serious threat to national and world security, a threat that can violate our airspace at will, and for which we have no defense. But Mulder? He’s got a poster on the wall in his office that says “I WANT TO BELIEVE”. He’s more incompetent and unqualified for the job than I am!

Anyway, Mueller is it? Nice to meet you, Mr. Mueller, I’m guilty of treason. Extremely, very guilty of treason. You know, I’ve still got the gun I killed JFK with. Me and Ted Cruz’ dad.. It’s still got my fingerprints on it, too. But you’re never going to find it. Never in a million years will you ever find it. It is so well hidden, so fantastically hidden, that there is literally no possible way for you to ever find it. It’s buried four feet directly under the ninth hole on the Mar a Lago golf course. See? Not going to catch me lying.

Can I just say I am the Manchurian Candidate? Because you’re not going to trip me up! I’m a stable genius. You know, people say my mind… That’s what they say. They look at me and I hear them whisper “His mind..” and they just sort of trail off, and shake their heads in a shocked and horrified way. I think that means they’re impressed.

Anyway, next question, Mr. Mulder. By the way, that was very brave of you and Scully to fight that swamp monster during the hurricane in that abandoned motel. I’d have run, that was very scary. Like, Scooby-Doo scary.

MUELLER: <sighs audibly, takes off glasses, closes his eyes, and pinches the bridge of his nose> Yes, We had quite a time with that swamp monster. And the one we’re after today.

TRUMP: I think you actually beat The Apprentice in the ratings with that swamp monster episode. But I can’t lie, we were losing to Urkel reruns on Nick at Nite. But I’m a TV star, a big stable genius TV star - won Presidency - first try!!! Except for the time I ran in 2000 for President as the Reform Party candidate and lost - which I do not remember! So technically, I’m not lying when I say I won on the first try. Next question, Scully.

MUELLER: Mr. Trump could you, in your own words…

TRUMP: Hold on - in my own words? Yes! I do that all the time, I use my own words that I made up myself, like ‘bigly’ and ‘yuge’. I have the best words. I own a dictionary, and I don’t know if you know about dictionaries, but they have many, many words, like probably most of the words there are, you can find in a dictionary. But they’re very boring to read because they bunch they words together by whatever the first letter is, for some strange reason. Makes for a tough read, I quit by the time I hit ‘Aardvark’. Very strange book. I’ll go see the movie if they make one, it’ll have everything in there! You know, a lot of my words aren’t even in the dictionary, that’s how good they are , they can’t keep up! I also own a thesaurus. I own the best thesaurus, the Thesaurus Rex. Thats the king of the Thesauruses. I’m lucky to have one, they went extinct a long long time ago. In a galaxy far far away. You know words are just made up of letters. You arrange them and they make words. Although sometimes they don’t make words, like that little guy Superman foung, that midget from another dimension, what was his name? Mr Mxyzptlk? That’s not a word, it makes no sense, I tried to pronounce that one all through my 30’s.  So yes, I will tell you in my own words. That I’m guilty of treason.

MUELLER: Well, I…

TRUMP: I should probably be court-martialed or something, or at the very least fired. Ooo! Can I fire myself? I’m very good at firing people, I used to do it for ratings. Well, I still do, kinda. I want to do it, I’ll look into a mirror and say “You’re Fired!” it’ll be great. No, we’ll do like a two camera shoot, where we’ll film me once getting fired and then another shot where I’m firing me. Like in the Six-Million Dollar Man where he fought his exact replica? Or when Captain Kirk fought the imposter Captain Kirk? Or any one of those TV shows where the guy fights the exact replica of himself, but you only see the back of the one guy’s head, because it’s obviously a stuntman who only slightly resembles the guy? I think the guy Captain Kirk was fighting was Salvadoran, but what can you do, they had a limited budget.

Mr. Mulder, let me just say this: I’m going to build a wall. Between myself and the Justice Department. It’s going to be a big, beautiful wall, like, yuge, and you’re going to be on one side of it, and I’m going to be on the other side. Because I’m thinking about fleeing to Mexico. Lots of bad hombres there, they’ll never notice one more.

MUELLER: Now tell me about this secret meeting between the Russians and Donald Trump, Jr.

TRUMP: Donald Trump, Jr.? Never heard of him. Doesn’t sound familiar, sorry. Is that anything like Carls Jr.? Because I like to eat lunch there. I’m scared of being poisoned by some unknown poison, so I go there where I know the poisons I’m getting.

I never heard of this Donald Trump Jr. fellow in my life, believe me. Believe me. And you know who you should always believe? A guy who’s always begging for someone to believe him, because no one ever does. Nope, never heard of this Donald Trump Jr.. But if he’s anything like me, he’s guilty of treason. Not as guilty as me, though, Believe me.

Most treasonous President ever! You know, in his whole eight years in office, Obama never came close to being the least bit treasonous. I guess he was too busy out on the golf course, playing golf like, one-tenth as much as I do. And still I have time for the treason. I can play ten times the golf Obama did and commit ten times the treason, that’s how effective I am. You know Mar a Lago is a Spanish word, it means “Lake of Treasons”. It where we all hang out and commit treason. It’s on the menu at the restaurant. “Hmm..I’ll start with the subterfuge.. A side of sedition.. And for the entree, I’m going to go with the treason.”

MUELLER: Mr. Trump, there have been recent questions as to your mental state. On more than one occasion you’ve referred to yourself publicly as a stable genius. Now, I’m not aware of a single instance where an actual genius ever once referred to themselves as a genius. Not in public, not in their memoirs, not in the heat of passion, never. It seems the one defining trait of an actual genius is never calling themselves a genius. In fact, only yourself and Wile E. Coyote have ever used the term ‘genius’ self-referentially.

And Wile E. Coyote was not a genius, he couldn’t even eat a bird despite having a limitless budget and access to defense industry-grade weaponry. He had state of the art advanced technology weapons that would put Tesla to shame. You know, rail guns, particle beams, and still couldn’t eat that goddamn bird. For a fraction of what he spent on any of those super- electro magnets that could pull an ocean liner out of the Pacific Ocean a thousand miles inland to the Arizona desert, he could have eaten every damn bird he wanted. He could have had them delivered roasted. Every day. For just a fraction of what he spent on tech in any given episode. Where was his money coming from, by the way? Paul Manafort? I’m going to have to look into that.

TRUMP: I don’t know about any of that, all I know is I’m guilty of treason. You know Melania hates me, right? Even before she found out I was banging a porn star while she was having my kid, whatever his name is. Schuyler, maybe? Anyway. I’ve been finding shards of glass in my porridge. Melania swears it’s a Hungarian recipe. That’s why I’m always eating KFC, I’m not scared of being poisoned by spies, I’m scared of being poisoned by a trophy wife.

MUELLER: Well, I have just one last question, on a lighter note. In your experience which was harder to win; The Presidency of the United States, or Celebrity Apprentice?

TRUMP: That’s an easy one - without a doubt - Celebrity Apprentice. You just look at the major talent and intellect that it took to win the Celebrity Apprentice: We had that Piers guy who got fired from CNN like ten minutes later. I think L’il John made it to the finals. Look, it takes country and western singers and Joan Rivers to win Celebrity Apprentice, but an insane, incompetent asshole like me can be President. So what does that tell you?

You know, Lou Ferrigno almost won. And I almost made him Secretary of Defense. My plan was, we sneak him into North Korea, as part of the negotiations, then we get him mad! We just get him mad, he turns into the Hulk, big, bang, boom, he kills L’il Kim. Kim jong Il? Kim Jong Dead. And look at it, the worse thing is he nukes us, but then we have an army of new Hulks from the radiation. Win/win, Scully.

MUELLER: Wow. Why don’t we break for lunch.

TRUMP: Sounds good. By the way, did I tell you…

MUELLER: I know, I know, you’re guilty of treason. But I knew that already.