#anxiety learningtodeal anxiety&depression myexperience mythoughts Itsnoteasy writing coping dealing livewithitnotagainstit

[mortallygrandcollectorblog-blog]

At the beginning of my journey with mental health

I lived with my mental illness for years before it was diagnosed, it felt like I was crazy. I had no idea what was going on with my mind or body. I thought I was crazy, but I wasn't. I’m not. I am just me and thats okay. It felt like I had no control over anything and after years of dealing with these mental illnesses I have learned a lot. Having these mental illnesses isn't dangerous, not knowing is. To be 100% honest, I am grateful for all that it has taught me. I am stronger because of it. I have also learned that it is okay to not be okay. 

Theres a lot that people don't know about anxiety, depression and all of the little things in between. There are hundreds of thousands of research articles, papers, and studies done on anxiety, depression, bio-polar disorder, schizophrenia, etc... but because it effects everybody differently (though a lot of the time the main symptoms are the same for everybody) nobody will ever truly be able to understand what its like to live with it. For me personally, thats a terrifying thought, nobody truly understands what goes on inside your head. It’s an incredibly lonely thought.

When I first started experiencing anxiety, I had no idea what it was. I was scared out of my mind. I was to scared to talk to anyone about it because I didn't understand the feelings myself, let alone understand them enough to tell someone else about them. I thought I was crazy and that if I told anyone else about what I was feeling they would think I was crazy too. Everybody says that anxiety is the feeling of panic that overwhelms your entire body, but thats the thing, anxiety is not always as it seems. It’s not always uncontrollable sobbing, shaking and hyperventilating. I didn’t know that. So, I obviously had no idea what was going on, because I thought that anxiety was all of the things above. I experienced it differently. My entire body would be frozen with fear, I would be stuck in one spot, I’d be zoned out of the world completely. Other times it would be the complete opposite, some days I would go completely OCD where I would clean the entire house until it smelt like a hospital or I would do thing repeatedly because I couldn't get it right. Having not understood what was going on with my mind and body was terrifying because I had absolutely no control over what was happening, it was controlling me. 

Thats just the anxiety part, the depression was equally as terrifying. It caused major insomnia or the complete opposite. There were days where I wouldn't sleep or days where thats all I could do. When the depression got bad so did everything else, I couldn't clean, cook, work or anything else. That just made it so much worse, I felt ashamed of everything, I couldn't have people over because of the condition of the house, or the fact I knew my parents would comment on the fact that I either lost weight or gained it. Thats what depression does to a person. It will kick you to your knees, and If you let it, it will be the hardest thing a person can go through. 

This all started around grade nine, I didn't know what to do or why this was happening. I spent most of my high school career feeling these things that I didn't understand, and to be completely honest, I still don't understand these feelings completely but I'll get into that in another post.