#anti briley i guess

[oveliagirlhaditright]

I'm reading the "The Journals of Rupert Giles," which is a novelization of "Helpless," "New Man," and "Blood Ties" (and all three episodes happen to be about birthdays of Buffy's), and I just... it's giving me negative feelings about Buffy and Riley.

And I'm going to sound like a broken record here, I know, because I'm going to be echoing things the fandom has said numerous times (and for good reason), but here I go, anyway.

(Though I'd still like to note that I definitely don't hate Riley Finn as a character, and I don't hate him and Buffy together. That's a strong word, as I definitely think that Buffy had to go through that sort of a normal relationship in that part of her arc.)

But first of all, at least in this novelization here, Buffy is comparing Riley to Angel in her head (and you can tell, of course, that deep down she wants to be with Angel, even though she can't) even more than we thought she was. And even at the start of her and Riley's relationship, when things were probably their best. And that's just sad and makes me feel for my girl, of course.

Though that's not what really gets me. What really gets me is from the get-go just how much Buffy is worrying that Riley is going to be offended that she's stronger than him, or whatever. And that she's making herself lesser to try and please him (like when she holds back when they're sparring. Though, to be fair, she may have had to, since he's a human and she's the Slayer). But she's just constantly worrying about how things are going to go over with him, and how he's going to feel about who she is. And, I mean, we saw this in the show. But there's even more of it when we're in her headspace.

And it's just a complete contrast to when Buffy and Angel spar in "Helpless," where he's "completely down with her being her bad self" (something like that is pretty much an exact quote from the book). And Buffy is so relieved that she can completely let loose with him, unlike most anyone else. (And, again, I know Buffy probably couldn't do this with Riley for his own safety, so it's probably unfair to judge that.) But "Angel is as graceful in defeat as he is in victory" (another quote from the book), and is glad when she wins their sparring matches, because: you know: It means that a vamp or any other beast from Hell probably won't get the drop on her? Meanwhile, when Buffy wins against Riley, he's telling Buffy to give him a few weeks and he can probably take her. Gah!

[herinsectreflection]

Could you elaborate on your thoughts about buffy/riley being an "agressively heteronormative" relationship in the context of the show, please? I really like your meta.

So there's a lot of stuff feeding into it, which I'll go into more detail on when I reach S4, but here's the basic theory. Riley is purposefully designed and positioned as the "normal" boyfriend. The normal relationship that Angel told Buffy she should have when he broke up with her at the end of S3. But what is "normal"? In the context of late 90s America, a "normal" relationship is clearly defined as "between a white cisgender heterosexual man and a white cisgender heterosexual woman". The narrative is pointing towards that supposed normality and holding it up as something that Buffy should strive for. Obviously it's not literal - the "normal" that Angel is encouraging is a relationship with a human rather than a vampire with a forced-chastity curse - but the metaphor is still there.

All of Buffy's other major love interests are non-normative in some way - a desire that Buffy isn't "supposed" to have. She's not supposed to want to date a vampire/a bad girl/a soulless vampire. It's against the rules. Whereas Riley is exactly the kind of person she is "supposed" to want. An all-American, corn-fed white bread guy who loves his country and eats all his five a day. He's the very image of what our society deems as a success, a man you could raise 2.4 kids and a white picket fence with. When the show positions him as something Buffy should want, it feels eerily similar to how heteronormative society also positions him as something all women should want.

And if we look at the text, there's a lot to suggest that Buffy doesn't really want him, and desires something else. The show emphasises Buffy's fondness for "bad boys" an awful lot around the time they get together, she sneaks off in the night to have metaphorical sex elsewhere, her shadow selves keep telling Riley how unsatisfied she is. She is told by others that he is what she should chase after, rather than it being something coming from in herself (see Into the Woods). She even says herself that "he was supposed to be Joe Normal". It is very easy to read her relationship with Riley as a performance, something she feels like she should want rather than something she does want, and is trying to make it work. He's the Compulsory Heterosexuality boyfriend.

Her relationship with Riley too is often positioned against queer and metaphorically queer relationships. In New Moon Rising, he expresses judgement towards Willow for being the "kind of girl" who dated a werewolf. This sparks insecurity in Buffy over her own past relationship with a demon. But it's also explicitly compared to how Buffy reacts to Willow's actually queer relationship with Tara. Queer desire = desire towards monsters, so in that scene Buffy becomes the metaphorical semi-closeted bisexual hiding her queer past from her new straight boyfriend (and honestly, given that she never told him about Faith before she absolutely had to, that's also a valid literal reading). We have a similar situation with his return in S6, where he is held up as the One Who Got Away, compared against her relationship with Spike - which receives very heavy queer coding around this time (Buffy literally talks about "coming out" the episode before Riley returns).

There's a whole other thread to explore in the fact that there is an arc there in S4 about unravelling this - how Buffy comes to learn that she was mistaken to see him as "Joe Normal", and how Riley comes to be more open about the demon/queer world and unlearn his limited preconceptions - but the respective issues the writers and fans had with Riley as a character led to them backtracking in S5, deciding that Spike was a better love interest, and so re-positioning him in opposition to Buffy's non-normative desires. It's getting late though, and I have work in the morning. I hope this made sense at least, and gave some idea of why I get this feeling of heteronormativity from them.

[scullys]

[gh-0-stcup]

Just a slight clarification on this and the further discussions I've had - I'm not saying that Buffy wasn't closed off at all. I'm saying that Buffy wasn't any more closed off with Riley than she is in general.

How Buffy handles trauma and emotional turmoil is explored multiple times throughout the series. She's not much for the share and care, at least not while the emotions are still raw. She seeks space, time, and solitude while she works things out.

I don't believe this is the massive flaw the series increasingly pushes it as. People should be allow to have room to process when they need it. Pressuring someone to open up too quick can have harmful results.

I'm also not saying she wasn't distant with Riley. There was a growing amount of distance between the two of them across season 5. I'm saying it wasn't her pushing him away because she didn't love him enough. They both pulled away because they weren't getting what they needed out of the relationship.

Ultimately, they cared for each other but were unsatisfied and unfulfilled together. They wanted different things out of a relationship. The show forces a narrative where this common and sad issue is entirely Buffy's problem. She can't accept "healthy" love, she can't show love, her way of dealing with problems is wrong. All the while ignoring how Riley cheated on her and putting her down for not begging for his love. After being cheated on.

Okay, Buffy. Hold up. Your emotional "shutdown" isn't because of your training. You're getting older and you've experienced a massive amount of trauma since you've come to Sunnydale. You've gotten used to compartmentalizing. It's what keeps you alive when the Big Bads come, what keeps you fighting no matter the circumstances. It's what makes you capable of handling the practical life issues around your mother's death.

As for Riley - it's not your fault. You didn't wreck that with coldness, you were as open as you were comfortable being. You were warm, loving, and supportive. You're just not the sort of open he was expecting. And that's okay. It's okay to need space, it's okay to need time to trust someone and feel safe.

Riley didn't make you feel properly comfortable. You were always either too much or not enough for him. He was frequently judgemental about your past. He wanted you to be someone you were not and lost it when you were just yourself. And in the end, he broke your heart like your gut told you he would when you guys started dating.

Despite what he and so many of your friends were trying to convince you, you're not inadequate. You didn't fit together and he put the blame on you.

[herinsectreflection]

There are a lot of reasons why Buffy/Riley was never popular, but I think maybe the most important one is that it's an aggressively heteronormative relationship in a fundamentally queer show.