#another triumph for the seedless watermelon

[becausegoodheroesdeservekidneys]

may i enquire what is the seedless watermelon and why does it triumph?

It's in reference to this comic, which made me laugh so hard I couldn't breathe the first time I ever saw it, and is the second funniest image I have ever seen in my life. So I use it as my humour tag.

[becausegoodheroesdeservekidneys]

These wonderful people have a single braincell to share but unfortunately none of them are using it

[becausegoodheroesdeservekidneys]

Had to think of you...

HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! OH MY FUCKING GOD

I love this I love this so much

[becausegoodheroesdeservekidneys]

My partner just pointed out that Liz Truss is the first Prime Minster since Anthony Eden who has never had an episode of Doctor Who premier during their tenure.

OH MY GOD INCREDIBLE

[becausegoodheroesdeservekidneys]

Today my friend Phil sent us his list of what he would do if he became Prime Minister, btw:

Vote for Phil I guess

[becausegoodheroesdeservekidneys]

Story time! So I’ve got this friend Phil.

Now Phil is damn near indescribable as a person. To be honest, if you wrote him as a character, no one would entirely believe it, unless you put him in a comedy show where reality is slightly twisted and therefore people can be much more... Phil-like. He is actually incredibly clever, but no one can really tell, because thanks to a very strong case of the ole ADHD (don’t @ me I have it too) he is also as impulsive as a sugar-high kitten and makes the sorts of leaps in logic that only the super neurodiverse who are connecting random shit together at the speed of sound and then forgetting what they started with can, which means he does not come across as clever; no, he comes across as Very High and also Very Dumb. He combines this with also being astonishingly kind and breathtakingly easily impressed, so he will respond to anything you say at all with the enthusiastic child-like wonder of an eager and delighted freshly-landed alien. 

And he’s a standup comedian, which is how I know him. Weirdly, even though he has a billion completely fascinating stories, he never talks about them on stage because he doesn’t see them as fascinating. He once had to swim out to sea to avoid a pack of rabid dogs. He once fought a spider for an Oreo and lost. He once agreed to have tantric sex with a woman without knowing what it was, but assumed that the word sounds a bit like frantic so that must be it, and then spent four hours in a state of polite bewilderment and increasing horny frustration because he was too nice to say anything. He doesn’t think any of these stories are interesting or funny.

Anyway, he’s decided he wants to be an engineer, and so has gone back to uni. As part of this, his maths needs to be good, so he’s paying my husband to tutor him, because Steff is very good at maths. At the same time, though, because comedy gigs dried up somewhat during lockdown, he got a job in a call centre for a phone company whose name I shall redact for the purposes of this story.

Now, this company has a policy of doing a Big-Ass Weekly Meeting, and everyone has to attend over Zoom, once a week. Except, obviously, these meetings are very boring, and contain over 50 people at any one time, and most people are mute participants to the whole sorry affair and just count down the minutes until they can log off. Phil is no exception to this, so he uses the time to practice his maths.

On the day in question, a couple of weeks ago, that’s what he was doing. But Phil being Phil, he made something of an error. 

Everyone has to have their cameras on, you see. But rather than muting himself as well, Phil decided to just turn down the volume on the meeting and then carry on with some sums. This itself wouldn’t be a problem, but for two things:

Phil, when he does maths, mutters under his breath to himself (”Okay but if that’s 2... can that be a four? That doesn’t seem right. Let’s divide it by that number instead, that’s probably it. Wait, is that balanced?” etc)

On this particular day, Something Happened.

Part way through his maths, Phil suddenly becomes aware that... something is wrong. Something is not happening that should be happening. A noise he hadn’t been hearing had stopped. He pulls the meeting screen back up.

Fifty people are silently staring at the screen.

This is weird, thinks Phil, and tries to work out what the fuck is going on. The screen is not frozen. The sound is still working. Fifty people are just staring into their cameras.

“So,” says his supervisor suddenly. “Is that everything, Phil?”

And Phil says, “Hmm?”

“...That’s great, isn’t it?” the supervisor says.

“Yeah,” says Phil vaguely, calling on every comedian skill and instinct he possesses to stay cool and not cry.

“Okay,” the supervisor says oddly. “Well, let’s move on...”

The meeting continues. Hastily, Phil messages a friend in the meeting to ask what just happened. The story comes out.

Turns out... the week before, Phil had had a phonecall.

Like so many of his customers, it was an old woman who didn’t know how the internet worked and was very confused, and honestly, was lonely and wanted to talk to someone. He gets a lot of people like that, and each time he’ll periodically say just the right scripted sentence like “Is there anything else I can help you with?” that means they can keep chatting to him and he can officially stay on the line if a manager decides to listen in, because Phil is extremely ditzy but really not stupid. Anyway, this old woman, Mari, had mentioned that she lived alone in lockdown, and she missed seeing her grown up kids and having a meal with them.

So Phil, being an extremely kind and exquisitely weird man, says “Tell you what, I’ll order you an Uber Eats if you like, on me.”

Which actually becomes a whole Thing, because Mari does not know what an Uber Eats is, and for a while thinks he’s saying he’ll personally cook her dinner. But after some back and forth, Phil gets her to understand.

“Pick a cuisine,” he says. “What do you fancy?”

“Well,” says Mari. “I suppose a roast dinner.”

“There we are,” says Phil cheerfully. “I’ll send you one.”

“Ooh, lovely!” says Mari. “And a bottle of wine, bach.”

“Sure,” sighs Phil, impressed by Mari’s gumption. “And a bottle of wine.”

So he does, and thinks that’s the end of it. And it is... until the day before this weekly meeting, when Mari’s glowing letter of praise landed on the head boss’ desk, describing what incredible customer service this young man called Phil had given her and how impressed and touched she was.

So, in this meeting, Phil’s supervisor, delighted with his worker, read out the letter. “I have the most astonishing piece of customer feedback,” he says, reading out Mari’s words. “I’m at a loss for words! In all my years of doing this job, of working in this field, I’ve never known such dedication, and such outstanding care for the customers! So congratulations, Phil, we’re giving you a gift voucher and we thank you for your work. Do you have anything you want to say?”

At which point...

Fifty people go quiet to listen to Phil.

Who, to them, is staring into the camera, intensely concentrating, and trying to speak.

“Sorry, Phil,” one person says after a bit. “I think your microphone is turned down. We can’t quite hear you.”

No response. Phil continues, apparently speaking, but unheard.

And then he stops, his concentration changing, and he stares back, now silent.

“So,” says the supervisor, unnerved. “Is that everything, Phil?”

“Hmm?” Phil says.

“...That’s great, isn’t it?” the supervisor says, trying to get SOMETHING out of this, his Weirdest Employee.

“Yeah,” Phil says vaguely.

Everyone collectively decides to move on.

Incredibly, this is not even the weirdest thing he’s done in that job, and I think his supervisor is as surprised as the rest of us that he hasn’t fired Phil yet.

[becausegoodheroesdeservekidneys]

"Fought a spider for an oreo and lost"? How do you lose to a spider? What does the spider want with the oreo? You can't just drop these things without elaboration

Ah, yes, my favourite Phil story, okay

So a few years ago, he went traveling in Thailand, and we all feared for his life for a bit because Thailand has poisonous wildlife that Wales doesn't and Phil lacks basic survival instincts (I have known him attempt to eat fly agaric because "Whoa, look, it's those faerie mushrooms"). Anyway, he did survive, and so all's well that ends well I guess.

But one night, he's staying in a sort of shack in a very rural area, chilling out eating a packet of Oreos (a process whereby he takes them apart to eat each biscuit half plus the creme filling separately), when he looks up into the corner of the room.

And there's a spider on its web.

So far, so normal. Phil is not an arachnophobe, so no issue there. Phil loves animals actually, and spent some time as a vegan, though he had to give up when it became very clear that he doesn't know what any foods are made of (aka the Scotch Egg Incident.) I mention this because it may help to explain some of his thought processes that come next, although I freely admit, it certainly does not explain them all.

It's been a few minutes since Phil ate an Oreo half. He last had a Pure Biscuit piece, so he's looking forward to a creme bit next, when he sees this spider.

And the spider has managed to steal his next Oreo.

Seems implausible, right? He looks down at the packet. Sure enough, what greets him is not the beautiful creamy moon of Oreo filling, but the hard black biscuit of an inner Oreo base. He looks back up. The spider has the round Oreo creme, and is sitting on it in its web.

Now, as I say, Phil loves animals. He's more than happy to share his food with animals. Spiders need love too.

But, Phil thinks suddenly. But, I cannot. Because...

Are Oreos good for spiders?

He doesn't know. He has no idea. He is suddenly hazy on what spiders even eat, but he's pretty sure refined sugar probably isn't it, and he has been told repeatedly (by me) to be more careful about food and wildlife and what we shall call Phil's Assumptions. So, he reluctantly concludes that Oreos probably aren't good for spiders.

But THAT means if the spider becomes ill, it's his fault, right?

So it's decided.

He must reclaim the Oreo from the spider.

So he goes to this spider. He has absolutely no idea if the spider is venomous or not, but he also remembers the extended lecture (from me) about Dangerous Thai Wildlife, so he's very cautious. He carefully goes to take the Oreo -

And the spider rears up, in attack position.

Fuck, thinks Phil, and backs off. That didn't work. Let's try doing exactly the same thing again in the hopes of getting a different outcome.

He does not get a different outcome.

He tries again.

This continues for half an hour. Phil cautiously edging his hand forward, the spider rearing and waving its legs, Phil snatching his hand back. Half an hour of both Phil and the spider getting increasingly panicked. Half an hour of Phil sweating, and worrying that unless he can get this Oreo back, he as as good as killed this spider. Half an hour of this spider having fucking none of it, and refusing to give away its Oreo with the rage and passion of a Greek hero at war with the gods themselves.

Finally, he thinks maybe trying the same thing again in the hopes of getting a different outcome is maybe not the way forward. So he withdraws, and goes to eat another Oreo and have a think.

He reaches into the Oreo packet, and pulls out the Oreo base -

And makes a discovery.

(Some of you are ahead of me, I think.)

It's not the base of the last Oreo. It's the start of the next; which means, Phil miscounted his Oreo halves. There is no missing creme circle.

He looks back up at the furious spider.

And that, my friends, is the tale of how Phil accidentally spent half an hour fighting a Thai spider for its egg sac.

Aka the time Phil fought a spider for an Oreo and lost.

[becausegoodheroesdeservekidneys]

Since you use the tag not-infrequently and I'm not sure what it's meant to mean - what's "#another triumph for the seedless watermelon" for? I haven't been able to track down a referent.

Ah, it's my tag for shit that makes me laugh. It comes from the second funniest image I have ever beheld with my human eyes, to whit:

I love it so very much.

The first funniest image I saw later, and I already had the tag by then. But it's this:

In another universe, the tag is "sweet fucking eardrums it's nine o'clock"

[becausegoodheroesdeservekidneys]

This kills me every time because the description is always "Look how impassive their faces are" and like... are you somehow not seeing the fear in the eyes of the man with the fire

Passport Photo Series London-based visual artist Max Siedentopf recruited a cast of friends and strangers to sit for passport photos. Above the shoulders the participants are straight-faced and rigid, yet below they are balancing full wine glasses along their arms, taped to a wall, or even on fire.

[becausegoodheroesdeservekidneys]

This is the funniest thing I've ever seen

[becausegoodheroesdeservekidneys]

O'r tudalen 'Memes Cymraeg' ar Facebook. Sai'n gallu stopio chwerthin, felly croeso i chi

[becausegoodheroesdeservekidneys]

don't worry about responding, but since i hold you responsible i thought I'd let you know that last night I had a dream that I was desperately searching for an apartment and the only place I could possibly get into was owned by middle class landlord BlowJo and for some reason he thought I was Rishi Sunak in disguise (I'm a white american woman) so he kept desperately and transparently trying to trick me into giving him access to my emails.

This is a gift and I am so very delighted

[becausegoodheroesdeservekidneys]

Breathtaking

UK politics work hard but KFC works harder

[becausegoodheroesdeservekidneys]

quick question - what's the seedless watermelon tag for??

Ah, 'tis my tag for things that make me laugh! It's taken from a War and Peas comic, namely this one:

The first time I saw it I laughed until I sobbed, so that was the one. Fun fact, though - it wouldn't have been, but my first choice required a comma, which at the time I couldn't do in tags. But otherwise, it would have been this masterpiece:

I'm literally giggling anew even posting it. Sometimes when our friends invite us places, my husband tells them "I'm pretty sure we're free, all Elanor has on today is looking at her clock picture."

[becausegoodheroesdeservekidneys]

Maybe this isn't your kind of question, but for the sake of my train of thought, what defines an island or island nation? IS Australia an island? It's very large. Does Hawai'i count as an island nation or are they considered part of the US and therefore not a nation unto themselves? Can we keep the ball rolling and make Hawai'i an island nation once again? How much wood would a woodchuck etc

In case anyone is confused this is about a post where we tried to decide which Prime Minister of an island nation is going to be eaten after Australia, UK, Sri Lanka and Japan all removed theirs in increasing order of severity, and then a lot of people started yelling suggestions with great enthusiasm and passion that were either not islands or lacked Prime Ministers. With that explanation out of the way:

It was less about islands and more about island nations, which Australia definitely is - irrespective of size, it's a nation (in this case a country) surrounded by water without a land border (this is of course using the current internationally recognised country of Australia as a single nation in order to fit the meme, I'm aware it's very different when you start factoring in indigenous definitions.)

Hawai'i probably would count, but they don't have a Prime Minister, which was the other crucial half of that meme, you see. Which is not to say I don't hope they get to eat a politician of their own - I do. But alas, they do not fit the brief for this pattern.

[becausegoodheroesdeservekidneys]

I always thought your tag was a reference to the "christians against seedless watermelons" facbook group, and its counter followup "seedless watermelons against christians"

What a thing to learn the existence of, and what a way to learn it exists