#another end of the year nears with me listening to sad electronic music

[blackchantilly]

Wooooooo, the crazy six weeks of shows is over, and I have assessments.

Thrill Kill Kult with Adult. and Kanga: I was concerned this was going to be disappointing, because this was a post-tour make-up date, and the band seemed tired. But by the end of the show everyone had loosened up a bit and I was happy with it. Pretty great setlist -- I just wish I could have heard "Waiting for Mommie." As far as I know nobody got sepsis after this, lol. I'd seen Adult. and Kanga at the previous show, but actually their sets were way better the second time. Kanga in particular had really worked on her performance skills since last year.

Priest with Julien-K: Not going to lie, Julien-K stole the show. They put on such a good performance. But I really liked Priest too! Several of us were a little sad not to hear certain songs (our local DJs really really really like "Xpander" and I wanted to hear "Phantom Pain"), but it was fun to see electronic Ghost, haha.

Adam Ant with the English Beat: Adam Ant is 69 years old so we should cut him a break. For a nearly septuagenarian he's still at it, and that's admirable. But I do wish I'd been able to see him sooner, when I assume he had more energy and sounded a bit better. But the setlist was pretty much perfect and I danced my ass off, much to the grief of the guy who had been slowly trying to push me out of my little window the entire show. (I don't know why certain guys do this but it's a weirdly common occurrence.) I'm not a big fan of the English Beat, but it was cool to have heard those songs live! They also played some General Public material.

George Clanton: One of my favorite sets I've seen all year. He was extremely drunk but still sounded really great and had a ton of energy. Another excellent selection of songs, and the crowd was really good too. I was ecstatic to hear a handful of songs in particular. I also really like the venue this was at. If you like electronic music then I recommend seeing him live!

Cruel World: God! So I touched on this a little bit regarding Ministry's set, but actually the entire festival was fantastic. It was really well organized and I was never bored. Here are all the bands I saw:

Body of Light: I love them so much. What a fun set. It was just the two guys, but the singer had a ton of energy and sounded great and did the whole thing where he jumps into the audience near the end. Got to hear a couple of all-time favorites from them. I bought a t-shirt that is comically long, haha.

Patriarchy: I saw two songs from them. The performance was surprisingly theatrical. That was really my only takeaway. I like some but not all or even most of the songs I've heard by them so I didn't stick around.

Model/Actriz: Again, I stuck around for like two songs. Their gimmick was pretty funny, but the music wasn't my cup of tea.

Nuovo Testamento: I'd seen them open for Molchat Doma last spring, but this time they were a trio rather than a duo. I like their music enough to have seen them twice. Good times.

The Mission: I did not watch the Mission, but I did listen to several of their songs while eating lunch before seeing the Faint, and they sounded fantastic, dang. He really just sings like that IRL. I would like to actually see them sometime.

The Faint: Man, I love them so much. Hadn't seen them since like 2007 or 2008, so I was happy they were performing at the festival. I really wanted to hear "Egowerk," but they mostly played older favorites, which is also fine with me.

Gary Numan: He did the Pleasure Principle in its entirety -- not actually my favorite Numan album (that would be Telekon, followed closely by Dance), but it is his most popular so it was cool to witness. The beauty of some of the songs on that album was extra apparent while hearing them live. And he is a great performer even at 66 years old. I did think it was weird that he brought his daughters out to sing inaudible backup vocals on "Conversation" and two of them were wearing very revealing lingerie? Like it's fine if they're wearing lingerie, and it's fine that he got his daughters to sing on stage, but the two factors combined put me off. Like I can't imagine having my nips out at my dad's concert, lol. Oh well!

TR/ST: Always a treat! This was the third time I'd seen them; normally he's very energetic, but this time he seemed drunk or something. But that's OK because the performance, albeit short at 40 minutes, was still like a 7 out of 10.

Ministry: Have already talked about this kind of. They played four songs from Twitch, three from With Sympathy, and a couple of singles (including "Every Day Is Halloween"). I could hardly have asked for a better setlist. This was a historic event in industrial music and I'm so, so lucky to have been there to witness it. Also I really like how they updated their songs! It was cool to hear familiar tracks done in a slightly different style (or in the case of "Effigy," very different). I bought a Twitch shirt that has the performance date on the back, which I will treasure always.

Shortly after Ministry's show I went to fill up my water bottle and get my bearings. I heard some guy a few yards from me yell "AAAAAA THERE HE IS!" and I looked over and said guy was excitedly hugging the singer from Sacred Skin. "Omg he's right, there he is 😮," I said to myself. I didn't want to interrupt them, but I did make 👀 eyes at the singer behind his back, lol. One day I will see them live!

Around this time I took a break to dance at the DJ pavilion for more than a few minutes. The music was mostly classic tunes but the selection was good. I had a really good time even though I was sober!

Soft Cell: I watched a couple of their songs and wasn't terribly impressed. I can only describe their newer music as "dad pop," or at least that's how it sounded to me.

Duran Duran: I mean...technically also dad pop...but I heard "The Chauffeur" and "Come Undone" so I'm super happy about that! Also their music is just good in general. I wanted to hear "Anniversary" and "Danse Macabre," but they played only one new song and it was neither of those. I left a little early to get a head start on leaving the parking lot, so I ended up missing the encore.

Bands I'd already seen who I didn't really want to see again: Adult. (obviously), Adam Ant, The Jesus and Mary Chain, Tones on Tail.

What a spring this has been! I feel like I've been going nonstop since March.

Mannnn, I have a few shows coming up this spring.

March 27 - Thrill Kill Kult

April 13 - Priest

April 23 - Adam Ant

April 28 - George Clanton

May 10 - Cruel World fest (Just got my ticket last night! Now I need to get a plane ticket and see if I can stay with my sister for a couple of nights, hah.) (I am going to be INSUFFERABLE when Ministry plays.)

Really looking forward to these, but it's going to be a lot in a short period of time. Add to this going to New York and also celebrating my birthday in April and it's going to be a crazy six weeks or so.

[tomorrow-human]

MY THOUGHTS ON iDKHOW'S ALBUM DEBUT: RAZZMATAZZ

So I DON'T KNOW HOW BUT THEY FOUND ME have just released RAZZMATAZZ today and heres what I think...

[SIDE A]

¹LEAVE ME ALONE:

A bombastic opening track. Was released in the beginning of August...? Probably? This song just SCREAMS at you with retro futuristic funkiness. It has 8-bity flourishes in the instrumentation and seems to be maybe talking to the same person as Choke (from 1981 E.P.) and the title track Razzmatazz have been (or maybe a separate entity as suggested by the vinyl booklet and Indoctoration?).

Anyway, fantastic track, great opener, and nice mood-setter.

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²INDOCTORATION:

It's... eerie. It's not a song in the same sense as Leave Me Alone, despite having a wobbly backing track. It's a spoken interlude that seems to be initiating you into Tellex maybe? It yet again mentions the White Shadows that will be overseeing your progress with Tellex. It seems oddly nostalgic for some reason. That's strange. Overall, solid little piece of lore building that really reinforces the concept aspects.

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³MAD IQs:

It's the first song from this album that wasn't released as a single and it made my jaw literally drop. It has a similar lyrical and vocal structure to the opener and New Invention, but what I like is how much they were able to do with it, though it makes you wonder about how far apart these songs were written; but In the context of the albums concept and the Tellex stuff however, it could be interpreted as a corporate decision, this repetition. The minimal instrumentation in the verses with Ryan's sturdy drumming and Dallon's bassline makes me go fucking bananas. It's so fucking great and full of this punchy energy. And the HARMONIES. YES. "Voluntary victim~" "I'm burning~ in your mad IQs" SIR STOP BEING SO VOCALLY TALENTED. Also I think i heard him shriek right before the bridge which? Snazzy. So Mad IQs, energetic track, filled with more of iDKHOWs signature darkness.

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⁴NOBODY LIKE THE OPENING BAND:

Ah yes, Opening Band. Ironic considering how often iDKHOW are the opening band, but I'm sure that's obvious, seeing how they usually sing this one at the start of their gigs. It was actually (I think) the first or second song I didn't know how but found through youtube so I might be pretty biased here. It's a sweet sounding change of pace with the instrumentation being made up of only the piano and tambourine that tells of a typical opening band, that no ones ever heard before and likely will never hear again, via a sympathetic narrator with a hint of the typical iDKHOW teasing. In all honesty, it would've worked better as the album opener, which then could've been followed by Leave Me Alone, but it's a nice change of pace overall.

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⁵NEW INVENTION:

I already reviewed this song on my other blog right here so imma keep this brief. It shares similar aspects to Leave Me Alone, with the music video concept and song structure, but It manages to darken the narrative, and the choir-esq harmonies sound like ultra bright neon lights that only push this mood further. It still is a magnificent song and by far one of my favourites in the album.

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⁶IN THE GALLOWS:

MASSIVE SHIFT IN STYLE HOLY FUCKOLY-. The track opens with a very cutesy old timey little piano intro and starts the verse with a little funny beat. If you don't listen to the lyrics, it sounds like a silly little oldie song. But as we all know, iDKHOW doesn't do silly. The lines "For you, I'd die▪︎Or kill myself▪︎which ever makes you smile," From just the first verse are a prime example of this. The narrators murderous and suicidal intentions have clouded the romantic attraction into obsession- And I kinda like that, in a poetic way. The chorus is a standout, with the calm start to the explosion in the line "I'd swing from the gallows and wave" that just swings at you with a baseball bat to the chest. Oh, and the sax solo? Magnificent. This whole song is a chefs kiss from me.

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⁷CLUSTERHUG:

I love the lyrics of this song the most of it all. It sounds like a rebellious teenager wrote it after thinking about how shit their hometown is and wanting to get out. It also incorporates how much the narrator would want to do all this with their crush, adding that slightly goofy and pretend-aloof chorus of "only if you'd like me to I could fall in love with you" as if they weren't already in love or at least that's how I see it. The vibe of this song is more pop-y than the rest of the album, but that's more likely because it was repurposed for Razzmatazz after being originally written for The Brobecks, their older band. It's a nice little tune :).

[SIDE B]

⁸SUGAR PILLS:

This. Will. Get. Stuck. In. Your. Head- and. You. Will. Like. It. Basically, just seems like a song about drugs that, for some reason, reminds me of Gorillaz (who I dont even listen to). But the BASSLINE AGAIN- Jesus help me live. It has more of that energy we saw with the first few tracks and adds even more electronic elements. It's probably my second favourite song from this album that's not a single because of how fun the chorus sounds. What else can I say? I can just imagine myself bopping to this in the car screaming 'SUGAR SUGAR SUGAR PILLS' On a hot day.

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⁹KISS GOODNIGHT:

It's so sweet 🥺. It's one of those songs I could imagine a character in a movie singing to someone from a stage. If you want pretty song vibes just listen to it. Because it is a pretty song. And that's all I have to say on it. Now allow me to take a moment and shove it into my pretty song playlist that acts like my personal lullaby machine.

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¹⁰LIGHTS GO DOWN:

Yes. F u n k y. Give me that sweet sweet disco energy, thank you. It's just filled with all these *☆~blingy and sparkly~☆* effects, and, combined with the drumming, the result is just glorious. The best part of this song is in my opinion the bridge where it goes darker lyrically and in sound that just naturally slides into another funky-ass sax solo. I can definitely see myself dancing to this at a party and then in later years growing nostalgic for those days.

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¹¹NEED YOU HERE:

It's supposed to be happy in tone and hopeful slightly but it just makes me sad. It's a song about how, because Dallon has to tour because it's his job, he has to be away from his family often. And he had nO RIGHT ADDING HIS DAUGHTERS VOCALS AND RECORDINGS INTO THE MIX ITS LIKE HE WANTS US TO CRY. It's not my favourite of the album, not going to lie here, but it's also such a sweet song with nice instrumentals and vibe 🥺 so that's all I'll say.

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¹²DOOR:

It seems like this one was written around the time sad ukulele music was really at its peak but am I complaining? Fuck no because this song is great. It just gives it to you straight, that if the narrator ever does anything that the recipient doesn't like, they can always cut them out of their life. It's nice in that regard- you don't usually get songs that don't try to deflect the pain or gain pity. We need more of these kinds of songs. The shortness of it really adds to the effect of this being more like a regularly said thing, even though I'm always a bit sad that it ends so fast. It does, however, nicely close the near end of the album before Razzmatazz.

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¹³TOMORROW PEOPLE:

Creepy Tellex thank-you note. You're welcome..? I want no part in your conspiracy tho. Go away weird American corporate man voice.

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¹³RAZZMATAZZ:

And there it is. The title track. Like new inventions, I have already reviewed it here on that same blog so this will be brief also and more just thoughts. It's a great closer and is more old timey than most of the songs here as well. And with the last instrumental and sax solo, we come to the albums inevitable end... until next time.

[GENERAL THOUGHTS]

Overall, this was a fantastic little debut for iDKHOW and I loved it. So worth the pre-order. The songs were great and the lyrics were just excellent. My only real criticism is that the song order on Side A was a bit strange. I feel a way to fix this would be to throw Nobody Likes The Opening Band into the beginning, then have Leave Me Alone as a second track, and maybe even switch one of the songs on this side with one from Side B (either Mad IQs or New Invention with something else but then that would be kind of stretching it). Or maybe even switching Clusterhug with Mad IQs or New Invention could work. So in general? Razzmatazz good album. Next question.

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Thank you for reading, anyone who happens to see this and have read this. Hope you've enjoyed some of my thoughts on the debut and agreed with at least 2 points I made. See y'all on another review (or shitpost)!

-L.J

[fmdjaewonarchive]

► agree.

date(s): july 2020 - february 2021 mentions of: champion members, unity members (samsoo, yul & sunghee mentioned by name but like... blink and you’ll miss it)  word count: +/- 2.3k words (870w lyrics/660 words composition/740 words production) warnings: mentions of anxiety, panic attacks and car accidents details: full lyrics and full composition verification for agree, 3/3 verifications for jaewon’s upcoming album escapism. jaewon doesn’t only know how to write sad boi music, he also writes angry boi music, the only two emotions he’s ever experienced rlly. (a/n: i lost my braincells within the first 100 words and still haven’t retrieved them, read at your own discretion)

the song is born out of frustration, anger blocking up his throat to the point it feels hard to breathe.

it’s the kick-off point of champion’s world tour, a concept that has jaewon disgruntled enough as it is, snatching him away from unity and dropping him in the states like he is supposed to care about this group, like he doesn’t have better things to worry about.

but alas that’s beside his point, as much as he detests the idea behind champion, it’s not his main source of frustration.

traveling out to the states, that part is hell. now jaewon has never been a huge fan of traveling, suffering from a crippling fear of flying ever since predebut that somehow has not gotten any less severe with the sheer amount of flying all over the place unity has been doing. jaewon also absolutely hates airports, they’re too crowded, too hectic and far too stressful to not immediately put him in a godawful mood.

the cameras shoved right into his face both prior to departure and directly after arrival definitely didn't help.

comparatively, champion’s trip to the states this time hadn’t been that bad. jaewon just happens to be in an extra foul mood today but rationally, he has to admit that he’s seen far worse throughout the years.

but maybe that’s exactly the problem, how common these things have become, that getting pushed and pulled at while trying to get on flight was considered to be mild.

jaewon’s frustration isn’t solely aimed at an isolated instance, it’s at the ridiculous standard that’s been set for idols, the things they have to accept like they are normal.

normally he would call soo to complain about whatever was bothering him but with the time difference, jaewon knew his boyfriend was ought to be asleep at this hour and he definitely wasn’t waking him up for something this minor.

he even humors the thought of perhaps finding sunghee or yul to complain to but with most of champion out for the night doing whatever (admittedly, jaewon didn’t listen when they were making plans, he wasn’t gonna tag along anyway) that isn’t really in the cards either. perhaps that’s for the best, jaewon isn’t the biggest fan of actually talking to the younger unity members about what was on his mind.

either way, jaewon is stuck in a hotelroom by himself, no one around to really vent his frustration too so instead, he might just as well write it all down.

and that’s exactly what he does, settling down at the desk in his hotelroom, scribbling on a notepad randomly found laying around.

on the plane the person in the seat next to me that’s not my fan apparently buying info off the airplane company

it’s not entirely relevant to what happened at the airport earlier but jaewon feels angry all over just thinking about it. unity has had it’s fair share of experiences with saesangs, seemingly only increasing the more popular they keep getting. sure, that makes sense but it doesn’t mean it’s okay, contrary to what dimensions seem to believe with how easily the company brushes it off under the pretense of it just being another part of the job.

at the airplane lounge there’s a war between the 200 mm guns privacy, panic disorder, they barter with one another...

in the first place, jaewon’s main concern is unity, it always is. he’s willing to put up with a lot if it means the younger members are left off the hook. but he has to admit, since the panic attacks have started to become more prevalent, it’s a lot harder to take that stance. it’s hard to take care of others when he fails to take care of himself.

jaewon tries not to think about what that means for his position as a leader.

from early morning put on a mask and fight on in short, call it being a puppet...

jaewon knows he’s not an ideal idol, he’s never been and he never will be. maybe in retrospect, he would have done things differently but there is no use in considering those what-ifs now. there is, however, no denying that all of it is just a bigger struggle with him, it will never go as easily as with people who were made to stand in front of the camera’s. why shouldn’t he get to be open and honest about that? he’s not the perfect idol they want him to be, he will never fit that mold.

i know, that’s right that’s right that’s right that’s right that’s right that’s right i know that’s right that’s right that’s right

written out, the chorus feels a bit silly, but jaewon feels justified in his creative choices. not that the song is ever going to be used for anything, it’s just an attest to his frustration. jaewon knows he’s ought to sit down and silently accept whatever is expected of him.

it’s been years since he’s been his own person. these days, he’s dimensions’ property first and that of the general public second, there is no use in fighting that, no space for his voice.

so sure, whatever, he agrees, what else can he do?

---------------

jaewon forgets about the lyrics he’s written down after that.

in the moment there had been no intention to turn them into a full-fledged song, a haphazard combination of lyrics that in their raw form, probably held very little meaning, too much filler between the few parts that he did properly think through.

so jaewon forgets all about it before he even sets foot back in korea again. unity is busy enough, the release of neo zone lurking around the corner and with multiple schedules of his own, jaewon can’t even think about the song if he wants to.

it only comes drifting back into his consciousness at least a month of two having passed since champion’s american tour dates.

the day in itself isn’t anything special, if there is anything remarkable about it it’s the fact jaewon isn’t working for once. he’s just hanging around his and samsoo’s apartment, scrolling through whatever app on his phone keeps his attention for long enough.

until an article pops up.

it’s a news post about a rookie group he’s never heard of from a company he doesn’t know the name of, it has nothing to do with him, but he finds himself reading through it anyway. apparently, they got into an accident on their way home from schedules as they were being followed by saesangs. no one got injured and truly, it’s not the first time jaewon has read news like this but it does fill him with the same sense of anger as what he had experienced that first day in the states with champion.

because this type of news shouldn’t be common, for how long are people gonna pretend it is?

maybe he should finish that damn song.

wait does he even still have the lyrics?

jaewon vaguely remembers at the very least putting the sheet of paper in his backpack after the concert as he had been packing up to move to the next city of their tour but after that, he can’t say he recalls having seen it lay around.

he’s really ought to get more orderly with his drafts.

luckily for him, jaewon does find the sheet of paper, not in his bag but shoved in between the pages of a notebook and with the draft of his lyrics obtained he makes a beeline for his home studio. normally he’d do this stuff at the company headquarters but truly, that sounds like far too much work in the moment.

obviously, the song is meant to have an angry undertone to it, supposed to convey the same anger and frustration that swallowed jaewon whole as he had written the lyrics.

the deep, resonating boom of low brass sounds for the opening of the song are a no brainer, the sound gives a bombastic, ominous vibe, immediately setting the song off on the right note. it’s supposed to sound grande and honestly a little bit intimidating, a dark feeling creeping around the corners.

of course, the sound is far too theatrical to be underlaying to the entire song so jaewon alternates it with a deep, booming bassline, the brass only reappearing right before the chorus other than in the opening section as if to give off a warning. to fill up the verses and the parts in between, jaewon adds rumbling, deep drums in the background, making them feel less empty.

what really makes the song however is the rapidly-cycling electronic stuttering a rhythmic pattern across almost all parts of the song. it feels a little distracting at first before jaewon decides that really, that’s exactly what he’s going for. the melody feels just a little too fast, uncomfortably so and in a song reflecting so much stress and strain, that only feels fair, reflectives of the way his chest tightens up when he can’t breathe, when his hands tremble and his heart beats so fast it might as well make him sick.

jaewon thinks it conveys his frustrations pretty damn well.

---------------

it doesn’t seem in the books for the song to ever be released until the process of selecting songs for escapism comes along. while jaewon regains some of his creative freedom, most of it had been under dimensions terms, leaving it up to them to shape the album in a way they prefer over his creative vision.

until somewhere near the end of completing the track list, the head producer asks jaewon if he has any songs laying around that could fit in with the rest of the album.

‘agree’ is the first thing to come to mind.

the head producer seems to like the songs, enough to approve it at least and jaewon can’t help but feel a flare of pride. the producer seems intent on leaving the creative process in his hands, letting him handle the production.

it makes ‘agree’ the first song ever that’s entirely his own that he gets to release, it feels like a milestone to jaewon.

he does get a little list of suggestions, mainly pertaining to the lyrics. the producer leaves a few remarks here and there about where lines could be stronger, what he would do differently but all of it are very loose recommendations, jaewon isn’t actually under an obligation to do anything with them.

in the end, he does anyway, shuffles some lyrics around, dares to be a bit more assertive in his wording, right onto the border of what he would consider too gloat-y for himself. but the producer is right, it gets to pack a punch, it gets to be a little bit self-important. somehow having the external confirmation makes it easier to write those lyrics without feeling like a fraud. it’s still his, his writing, his song.

with the last tweaks done they’re quick to get to recording. they’re still on a time crunch as jaewon’s manager reminds him (jaewon likes the man well enough but dear lord would he never let him forget). it's one of the last songs on the album to be recorded after all and at this point, they are cutting it close.

with everything else he needs done, all jaewon has left to do is fine tune the song, the last tweaks and sounds to be added like missing puzzle pieces now he has the bigger picture pretty much laid out in front of him, polishing and detailing it to elevate the song worth of something to be released on an album.

the instrumental is already pretty hectic, fully intentional of course, but with a proper, clear recording it’s easier to spot the empty gaps, spaces to add the last finishing touches. he adds more brass, less grande and dramatic than the ones in the pre-chorus, curling around the edges of the chorus to round them up neatly and as if to scale down again for the verses, still fast paced but somewhat a breath of fresh air between one chorus and the other.

he delays the part at the opening before the brass and bass kick in, a silence before the storm feels even if the hyperactive stuttering beat is already there, he considers taking that out at first too but the point kind of is that it is more or less omnipresent, it’s always there even when there is nothing else much, like the anxiety that feels permanently stuck to his head.

there is also the addition of an extra melodic line, lingering behind that main, slightly headache inducing electronic synth. it doesn’t really stand out, especially not compared to it’s main competitor but it does remain prevalent in the few parts the main instrumental motif is nowhere to be found, giving it small moments to shine. it serves a clear function, or to jaewon listening ear at least (maybe he’s overanalyzing at this point). the little bounces of the electronic beat all over the place keep up the pace of the song, making sure its explosive nature prevails over the dark dreary undertones of the bassline and brass sections, giving it an overall dynamic feel.

it takes some fiddling, jaewon pulls something close to an all-nighter to finish up the song with the sheer amount of detail he ends up focussing on but by the time he sends it in, he has a good feeling about it at least.

when he presents the final product to the head producer, there are no more suggestions. it’s good, and it’s all his own work.

[shepaintsred]

Words for Bill

December 17, 2020

As I write these words down on this page, a flock of geese has gone over the house, voicing a baleful good-bye to autumn and a welcome to the dark winter months. For William Harvey Webb, W.H. Webb, Bill, the winter road was a significant metaphor. Through the years, if we stopped and looked at the details etched into those crisp winter tracks, we were to discover more than just snow; the light reflecting off of the raised edges and the shadows pouring into the deepest hollows of the tread marks, but also, we were to discover rich histories; family, friends, conversations, laughter and tears.

Welcome to those of you who have come to share in this tribute, today.  Let us, in our imaginations, include and leave some space for so many others who want to be here with us. Bill was so well-loved and there are so many that he loved in return

You can’t see him, but standing by my side, is one of Bill’s closest friends, Richard Dawson and over there, seated near his friends, Brock and Elaine, is his wife, Shirley. Richard brings to this gathering a lifetime of shared narratives and so, at times and with his permission, he will nudge me, and I will share the odd one.

My name is Kathleen Moors.  Bill called me Katie.  Bill and I have shared a magical friendship and this is an honour to be with the people who meant so much to him.

Bill was no stranger to loss in his life.  When son, Michael, died, Bill was devastated and felt helpless.  Perhaps now he can offer comfort to the son he loved so much.

To Bill’s family; Amanda and Wade, Gaylene, Andrew and family of Northern Ireland; brother, Bob and wife, Shirley as well as his five beautiful grandchildren; we offer our sadness, our support, and our love.

I will NOT soon forget how animated Bill became at the mention of time spent with his grandchildren, particularly when they were able to share dates out to live theater or musical performances.  Bill was a real gentleman and always dressed up for such occasions.  He saw events as spectacles.  

Bill was a romantic and a gentleman.  He grew houseplants.  He loved any animal that came his way.  He adored Ginger and Blackie…and Teva…and they loved him.  There was never a dinner prepared that did not involve a remarkable place setting and candles.  I remember Bill leading me to the outskirts of Edmonton after the celebratory festivities following the Alberta Centennial exhibit hosted by the West End Galleries. He did this so that there would be no chance that I would lose my way

Bill did not own a computer.  He was the most ‘unplugged’ person I know, relying on the library for the occasion of checking electronic mail.  He didn’t access television or cable, but did watch movies, his good friend, Brock, often sending them from Moose Jaw.  The sound of opera would often fill his nest with beautiful voices, something that he shared with good friend, John Oberg when John would slip over to Bill’s place or Bill would show up at John’s, the brushes cleaned up and put away for another night.

Bill was an educator.

Richard nudges… “when jobs were scarce in Oldham, England, Bill and his new family moved to Canada and a teaching job in Fort McMurray.  Then it was on to Castor where he was principal, then principal in Grand Cache, Alberta.  Next it was Superintendent of Schools in St. Paul and later Wainwright.”

While giving this all up, to Sheep Farm in Heath, Alberta, Bill never stopped being an educator.  He taught Sunday School for several years, creating dioramas and long rolls fed through makeshift television sets…he was an amazing orator, as well, feeling very comfortable speaking in front of any group.  He volunteered, teaching art at various grade levels and I’m certain that the children were, every time, excited to see him.

Bill was an amazing listener.  He was not one to busy his hands when you spoke to him.  He looked straight at you and gave you complete attention, asking the most interesting questions that, indeed, gave you every reason to believe that you mattered, you were his entire world at that very moment.  In the busyness of food preparation, I sometimes looked over my shoulder and saw Bill listening to one of my children and I wondered, “If only I could do that!”

Bill loved reading, especially history and non-fiction, but if you suggested a book, he would inevitably pick it up at the library or purchase the title so that he could give a ‘book report’ as he called them or he might even write out his book reports and post them in the mail.

Bill loved to dance. I never got to dance with Bill. This was a moment, lost.

Bill loved connection. He was a part of the Film Society whose members included Rick and Lyn, Mary-Lou, Carol and Noreen Getzlaf, Linda Wheaton and a long list of others.  Richard says that in the group, when the beverages came out, Richard was the only one not drinking….to this day, he ponders, now chuckles about whether they welcomed him to meetings for the rich variety of film OR because inevitably, he served as designated driver!

Bill spilled over with excitement about the Wine Club events, the garden parties and the brunches hosted at John Oberg’s.  I wasn’t ever a member of the Snake Trail Alpine Club, but that, too, grew a culture and history all its own. I went on numerous walks and hikes, with Bill and you probably did, as well. Bill had a marvelous connection with the landscape and conversations were had where all we did was analyze the sky, the shadows they cast on the land…observations that might seem unremarkable to most.

Bill loved all things related to trains and had huge dreams about drawing travelers into Forestburg by creating something very special around art, trains and community. He loved talking about the process of constructing all of the unique bits that went into building the landscape elements.  He was such a master at everything he took on!

Bill explained in his letters just how much he treasured it when someone was sitting back in his big comfy chair while he painted…I think we’ve all taken a place in that chair, but most treasured for their visits would be Rose and Virginia, I think.  Oh my. The stories Bill would share over the telephone about the encouragement that was given.

Bill enjoyed the company of so many.  The RB3 Richard Dawson, Bruce Beck, Brock Chrysler and Bill Webb!  He enjoyed seeing the guys whenever possible, but also really treasured their telephone conversations over so many years.

Bill was a health-conscious person.  He didn’t hesitate to share his journey as it related to the body or the emotions.

Richard Nudges…

Richard writes WW2 stories and he did an in-depth one on the Dam-Busters Raid, focusing on the 3 men from Moose Jaw and District who were on the Raid.

He completed it and the RCAF scheduled a little show and flag ceremony on the anniversary of the Western Development Museum. All systems were go.

Then Richard got a call from Bill. He was having knee replacement surgery and would Richard come to Forestburg and help out. So, Richard assigned his Dam-Buster Project to a most capable young man at the WDM and off he went.

Bill saw his recovery from the surgery as another competition and did all his exercise and activities. Before going to Forestburg Richard made clear that he would not be helping Bill with bathroom chores. If he needed to take a dump – he was on his own.  (Don’t forget…these are Richard’s words!  Lol I can just imagine these two guys laughing about this.)

He was an excellent patient. Richard cooked and they both put on a few pounds.

After five days he was able to get around just fine and Richard headed home to Moose Jaw.

On the second knee surgery he was able to stay with Amanda and Wade and they nursed him back to health.

Regarding his health, Bill consulted with the professionals with great enthusiasm and followed all directives when it came to achieving a healthy balance in his life.  He filled countless journals and developed the habit as a way of working through difficult times.  He was exceptional at keeping archives of events and didn’t miss a detail because…

Bill was a detail guy.

Bill’s approach to painting was incredible.  He set up his studio so that it was very spare.  He was not one for clutter or distraction when he needed to focus. He and I used to joke about blending our studios and agreed that it might never work because our spaces are so different from one another. He lovingly left voice messages, “This is Bill of the Northern Studio, checking in with Katie of the Southern Studio.

First steps to a painting involved airbrushing his sky.  From there, he delved into the world of darkest values and from the very onset, Bill used miniscule brushes.  He built incredible worlds as he came forward in space, with lighter and lighter values.  He was technical and deliberate.  His works are dreamscapes of places a lot of us know, but rarely analyze the way that Bill did.  Whether it was a huge vista of the Livingston Range or those ruts on a country road in winter, he paid the subject the same attention and care. He was prolific, painting right up until the last weeks before he died.  He felt responsible to his dealers and spoke often about his professional relationships with them. Over time, these people came to be very personal friends and extremely important to him.

Richard Nudges…

“One of Richard’s last official acts for Bill was attending the Memorial for William (Bill) Shurniak at the Shurniak Gallery in Assiniboia. Bill died August 8, 2020 and the memorial was open – at the Gallery and individual.

Bill and Richard visited the Shurniack Gallery many times and if Bill Shurniack was there, they visited him. He was still active on the Board of Husky Energy in Calgary and was still travelling regularly to Hong Kong.

As Richard sat in the Gallery, listening to the music, he could see a Group of Severn painting over his right shoulder. It is a painting of Cowley, Alberta, although, I think – called Pincher Creek Station.

When his meditation was complete, he signed the registry for himself and also signed Bill’s name. Richard called him from the car and he was very appreciative I had done that.”

Painting was such a great joy to Bill.  He and I spoke to one another endlessly about our work, supporting one another and challenging one another.  In his letters, he always began with what he was working on and ended with what he was going to go and work on next.  I am so proud of W.H.Webb, the painter.  He worked so hard.  The art community is going to miss such a gentleman as Bill, such a magnificent artist, driven with a passion for capturing the spectacular views that so many of us love.

Bill’s vision.

This eulogy has not written itself easily.  I was writing and writing and deleting and writing again, simply because I felt that if I stopped and the words wrapped up and came to an end, it would mean that my friend is truly gone.  I realize through much losing these last years, that if we truly love our family and our friends, they will remain.  I have to trust that this is the case here as well.

I wrote the final words on the page…Bill’s Vision.

What would Bill want you to know…or to realize…by his life and it being entwined with yours and I am left as I began, with the sound of the geese….and an image.  Consider these a gift today, that you loved this absolutely precious and beautiful soul.  And keep him with you.

 Wild Geese by Mary Oliver

You do not have to be good.

You do not have to walk on your knees

for a hundred miles through the desert repenting.

You only have to let the soft animal of your body

love what it loves.

Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.

Meanwhile the world goes on.

Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain

are moving across the landscapes,

over the prairies and the deep trees,

the mountains and the rivers.

Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,

are heading home again.

Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,

the world offers itself to your imagination,

calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting -

over and over announcing your place

in the family of things.

[ofgeneticperfection]

Scarlet’s chain of sweetness

Courtesy of  @madamdirectcr

5 THINGS YOU LOVE ABOUT YOUR CHARACTER.

1. Indomitable - She pretty much does what she wants, how she wants, whenever she wants. If she wants something? She manipulates her way into getting it. She doesn’t stop until she has it and hardly anything will sway her otherwise. She’s extremely hard to control when determined and set on a task in mind. She’s hard to control period. She’s got a streak of wild, impulsive, and loves to toy with others be it malicious or just to tease.  Her will is near impossible to break and she never believes that she can’t do something even if it is the impossible. Atop of that she’s fairly hard to defeat physically, she’ll bring more than a challenge if ever attack or if a loved one is ever hurt. I’m not saying that she can’t be brought down because she can, but it’s going to take more than a couple of hits.

2. Emotional Depth-  There’s not just one tier to Isrieal, there’s a million and it’s a labyrinth. She comes off as cold, arrogant, prideful but that’s the main wall that she hides behind. She’s strong and will exude complete confidence most of the time while being sly, cunning, coy, and whatever else she can throw at you. These are the emotions she shows to the world but the rest she’s buried so deep inside that she forgets they even exist. Inside she’s broken, sad, lonely, tormented but she has her ways of hiding them and biting back the pain that feeling these emotions brings. It’s from the conditions she’s been stuck in for her whole life at Hojo’s mercy and the lies she’s had to tell herself to make it easier to handle. Of course, this naturally makes her volatile with bursts of anger or other strong emotions and if she let’s one slip out they all come spilling out sooner or later. She does have a tendency to use special sedative injections to subdue these emotions whenever she feels any starting to well up. Deep under it all, however, she loves with all of her heart once she is sure that she will not be hurt. She’s always afraid of that in a way, but there is no in between. You have her all or you have her nothing. But once there she is quite passionate and protective and more soft and innocent then she’d originally lead you to think. 

3. Manipulative - Life is a game and she plays to win. At least that’s how one survives in ShinRa. She learned from one of the best manipulators out there and now she’s known to even manipulate the Professor himself. She rose herself from experiment to assistant Director by playing him and she plays everyone around as she sees necessary in order to get what she needs. She often shows what she wants to show and nothing more, near every move and every article of clothing is precisely calculated towards whomever she is meeting with. Of course, only if you don’t know her well. 

4. Deals with the Devil- Oh yes, she loves to make deals but don’t worry they’re mostly fair and she is one to keep to her word and her promises. Despite her demeanor she is quite loyal when she promises something. If you work out a trade or a bargain she’ll do her best to uphold her end of it, getting you what you want in return. There is a lot that can be traded between science and other departments after all and she’s not afraid to go behind the Professor’s back here and there if it means obtaining something she’s personally after in the end. 

5. A.I Alien - Lastly, yes I love the fact she is a hybrid and loves to play with quantum theory and A.I in the future. I always love the sci-fi aesthetics and concepts and the idea of something beautiful having a monster inside. She’s at conflict with this part of herself, often not knowing how to fully accept it but at least she is in control of the cells and not the other way around. She’s also always been focused on uploading consciousness and prolonging and bringing others back to life since she doesn’t age. It’s from there that she gets pulled into quantum theories and eventually breaks through to a system A.I that she makes a deal with to her own advantage, but this is a plot I haven’t touched in a while. Really I love everything about her but these are some fun and dominating concepts. 

5 PEOPLE ON HERE YOU LOVE, AND WHY.

1. @animus-inspire Where do I start? Seriously. This was unexpected but yet one of the best things that has ever happened in my writing history. I love love love this ship and all the AU’s of it so much! And beyond that, it’s so rare to get me to talk a lot but I can’t seem to ever shut up around you xD. But, I LOVE talking to you and the connection we have and the fact that we have so many stinking ideas all the damn time and they all get played off each other so easily and that we can share the same obsessions and YES WHAT HAVE YOU DONE! But you are also one of the sweetest and most full of life people I know on here and I absolutely love writing with you, you’ve made it so great :3. And you are seriously best Reeve and have made me love all the Reeve. <3

2. @thefirstthaumaturge I’ve known you for about like, well.....well over 10 years xD And I love you more as the years go on. We’ve survived drama days together and now we can laugh about all the stupid RP stuff we did in the past. I also enjoy all of our new RPs and how great its been to see both our OCs grow and thrive in these communities. I also super love talking to you and playing video games with you and watching WestWorld and movies with you. Basically, you make everything super fun and I don’t know what I’d do without you around. I also love how we always manage to say/type the same things at the same time all the damn time xD Digital sisters but its as real as it gets. 

3. @shinraweirdscience @xbroken-science @insidious-scientist  I love all of my Hojo’s that deal with Izzy’s crazy ass and put up with me so thank you guys! I’m always down for crazy plots and all the trauma that comes with them so don’t ever feel bad about throwing anything at me or damaging Izzy. It’s what makes her her after all. And I find it all a lot of fun. I’m always ears for ideas so let me know!

4. @sadistic-second I don’t write a whole lot with you here but you’re always good company in the voice chats and you make playing games a lot of fun as well. I like our little group we have going on to do all the stuffs. I love all the gifs and icons you make, and the paracord is very creative as well. It’s always cool to see what you can do. Of course I like all the funny things too.   @apathetic-ruler  I have to say you’re writing is amazing, I love it! I haven’t wrote with your Ru but I love past life Ru xD One of these day’s I’ll figure out what to do with a Rufus I’m sure. 

5. @ivory-paragon We don’t write much but I love playing FFXIV with you and being in all your groups. It’s a very fun and enjoyable atmosphere and you make me laugh all the time. If I hadn’t found you I wouldn’t have found any of this awesome community and my great shippy ships that have come out of it. @rikelusshinra I love all of our RP’s and stuff too. You have a super amazing OC that seems to fit right in and I’ve loved writing with Rike. Even if you are busy now. It’s rare Izzy finds ships that work but you are one of those lucky ones that she fits well with and I love all the ideas we play with as well. So to my FFU peeps! Even if we don’t write on tumblr much I still love you both. 

Honorable mentions:

@cinderella-gurei God, you are the best Chadley and you break my damn heart all the time in our RPs. Izzy will never forgive herself completely but she’s glad to have you around and so am I! She will protecc forever. <3 

@madamdirectcr I love your Scarlet! I want to see what happes :3  @makeupandmateria Another lovely Scarlet I had to mention as well!

5  SONGS EITHER YOU OR YOUR MUSE REGARD AS A ‘GUILTY PLEASURE’ THAT ALWAYS MAKES YOU SMILE.

So okay, I’ve thought about this all day and I’ll do a few categories. Since I revolve around music so heavily and no lie have hundreds of my own music videos in my head for every song I’ve ever heard, yes I’m one of THOSE people. xD

So I’ll start with what I’ve been listening to lately that really fits in with WestWorld Izzy and Logan!Reeve ShinuestiLos xD I can’t seem to get Poker Face out of my head for her and a couple other Lady Gaga songs that fit in  Like this one too. 

Also I really love these songs but they are so random. This one mostly thanks to ARI, but I can never not listen to it when it comes on. Also Mortal Kombat. This song makes me so fired up every time I hear any variation of it xD. Even now! alkdjfsldjfsdljf, but I do really like this mix. 

Then we can’t forget those emo day songs. Mr. Brightside is one I can never resist singing. It’s just so damn good! Then there is Holiday by Greenday and can’t forget Miss Murder by AFI xD 

Now I have an extremely long list of electronic type, synth, darkwave, trance, whatever the heck categories they fall under that I just like to call my Robot music xD  Here’s a couple with AI themes that I’ll just throw out here. We Appreciate Power and quite literally A.I 

And lastly this one reminds me of Midgar so much and Izzy, but I always see her singing this if she ever made a music video. (which apparently she’s made many) But she’d definitely be in front of wall sized windows with Midgar in the background and the labs, and its also why she sometimes refers to it as Electric City, idk who the guy would be singing with her but if you want it to be you just let me know? Lol.  After all she is Indistinct. Ill Defined. Uncontrolled. Unconfined. 

Tagged by: @animus-inspire (this took me forever Reeeeeve x.x) 

Tagging: @thefirstthaumaturge

[newmusickarl]

Album of the Week – Inner Song by Kelly Lee Owens

Another week, another genuine Album of the Year contender. Despite arriving three years on from her self-titled debut, Welsh electronic musician Kelly Lee Owens has stated that it took just 35 days to write her incredible new album, Inner Song. Coming off the back of what she has described as “the hardest three years of my life”, Owens channelled her grief and hit a spurt of creativity, which ultimately resulted in one of the finest electronic records of 2020 thus far.

Inner Song sees Owens build a world of adventure around 10 perfectly crafted soundscapes, an album that once you put your headphones on simply washes over you through a glistening array of synths and her own ethereal vocals. Opening on a near unrecognisable yet stunning cover of Radiohead’s In Rainbows track, Weird Fishes/Arpeggi, the record soon bounces into the infectious club groove of On, where Owens’ angelic voice adds heart to the track through the refrain of This is so we must go, and now I am movin' on.

It is a gripping opening and Owens doesn’t let up from there, throwing the listener into the dizzying, spiralling beat of Melt! before diverting into the dreamy, mesmeric echo of Re-Wild. Jeanette then completes the stellar opening five track run with a playful techno melody that makes for one of the record’s standout highlights. Sonically there is plenty more to explore in the back half of the record too, with the legendary John Cale even turning up to sing in both English and Welsh on the atmospheric Corner of My Sky.

All in all, Inner Song is a magnificent achievement, an album that I have had on heavy repeat this last week with little sign of letting up. It is a record you will want to keep getting lost in, and because of that I have no doubt this will make the cut when the time comes for my year-end countdown.

Best tracks: On, Jeanette, Re-Wild

Tracks of the Week

Yet Again by The Slow Readers Club

Having already dropped their fantastic fourth album The Joy of the Return earlier this year, Manchester indie maestros The Slow Readers Club now have another album due in October. Titled 91 Days in Isolation, the album was written entirely during the UK lockdown and the vibrant, instantly catchy Yet Again offers fans an enticing first taste of what to expect.

Over Now by The Weeknd & Calvin Harris

Upon seeing that a collaboration between Canadian chart-topper The Weeknd and Superstar hit-making DJ Calvin Harris has dropped, you would be forgiven for thinking Over Now was going to be a poptastic club banger. Instead, the duo delivers a fairly chilled-out and smooth R&B heartbreak anthem, a track that would not seem out of place on The Weeknd’s recent album After Hours. An unexpected but pleasant surprise!

What You Needed by Bloxx

Indie-pop outfit Bloxx released their much-anticipated debut album Lie Out Loud this week, and although it may sometimes miss the angsty, rawness of their early singles and EPs, it is a highly impressive first outing packed wall-to-wall with infectious choruses, charming lyricism, and hook-laden melodies. With this being the case, it is somewhat surprising that one of the record’s highlights comes in the form of stripped-back acoustic number What You Needed, where Fee Booth’s heartfelt lyrics and vocals take centre stage for what is just a really great pop song. A track and album well worth checking out.

Obey by Bring Me The Horizon & YUNGBLUD

If you’re after something a little heavier, rock behemoths Bring Me The Horizon have this week teamed up with up-and-coming pop-punk superstar YUNGBLUD for rebellious anthem, Obey. Thunderous and relentless from the get-go, it is an excellent track and a welcome return to Bring Me’s louder, more vicious sound.

Sad Day by FKA Twigs

One of the best tracks from one of the best albums of 2019 has received the music video treatment, with FKA Twigs teaming up with renowned Japanese filmmaker Hiro Murai for a 7-minute slice of artistic, sword-swinging surrealness. An absolute must-watch that you can see above.

[johannesviii]

Top 10 Personal Favorite Hit Songs from 1999

A list with quite possibly the most embarrassing #1 yet, and considering some of the previous ones, that’s really saying something.

Also, a very, very long list of honorable mentions.

Disclaimers:

Keep in mind I’m using both the year-end top 100 lists from the US and from France while making these top 10 things. There’s songs in English that charted in my country way higher than they did in their home countries, or even earlier or later, so that might get surprising at times.

Of course there will be stuff in French. We suck. I know. It’s my list. Deal with it.

My musical tastes have always been terrible and I’m not a critic, just a listener and an idiot.

I have sound to color synesthesia which justifies nothing but might explain why I have trouble describing some songs in other terms than visual ones.

This could have almost been a top fifteen, because holy f█cking shit look at this list of honorable mentions. I might eventually make a top 15 for some years (gosh I just finished my 2013 top and it’s a massacre of good songs, an absolute disaster, and I’m seriously considering making it a top 15 or 20 I swear), but for now, it’s still manageable.

Summer Son (Texas) - Why is this so hot. The lyrics aren’t even hot in the first place. What the hell.

That Don’t Impress Me Much (Shania Twain) - Not my favorite song from her but still very good. Fun fact, one of my English teachers was using songs as dictation exercises and that was the hardest one he ever used for that. I don’t think any of us got the Elvis line right. Also he’s solely responsible for me loving The Cure because the second song he used for this kind of exercise was Boys Don’t Cry. This has nothing to do with Shania Twain but I thought it was a fun little story to tell.

Jusqu’au Bout de la Nuit (Emile et Images) - Two French bands from the eighties team up and release a song which is composed of every single one of their hit songs from the eighties, with each chorus sung one after the other, and... it sounds great? And it charted?? My brother absolutely loved them, too. The only reason it’s not on the list is that it feels like cheating, in a way. I mean, half these songs could top some of my lists on their own. Putting them together is a dirty trick, guys! Oh well, I love you all anyway.

Baby One More Time (Britney Spears) - I really love this song and it was on the list at first, but overplay played a big role in its removal from it.

L’Ame Stram Gram (Mylène Farmer) - Has the privilege of being the first Mylène Farmer music video I ever saw in my life. Was incredibly confused but also fascinated. The song isn’t her best though, and she’s on so many of these lists that I claim self care on its removal from this one, especially because, uh... she’s still gonna appear on it anyway. Damn it.

Move Your Body (Eiffel 65) - I told you I loved stupid dance music didn’t I. Unfortunately things aren’t gonna get better as years pass. I just made a list (which is gonna be posted muuuuuuch later) where I put David Guetta six places higher than Adele. This isn’t a joke.

Save Tonight (Eagle Eye Cherry) - I genuinely love this song and it’s kinda sad I couldn’t fit it on any of the two lists where it was elligible.

La Manivelle (Wazoo) - This would NEVER have charted if La Tribu de Dana by Manau hadn’t been such an enormous hit the previous year. Not in a million years. And if it hadn’t, the world would have been a little less fun. So I’m glad. I love it and it was one of the last cuts from this list.

Kiss Me (Sixpence None the Richer) - Was also on the list at first. Was removed because it never ended on any compilation I made and that’s the only reason.

Well, that was long. Here’s the proper list.

10 - Crazy (Britney Spears)

US: Not on the list?? I was very surprised / FR: #14

So I dug up the first cd compilations I ever made for the previous list, and look what’s the first song on the third compilation I ever made!

Relistened to it, still love it to bits, put it on the list. Sorry Kiss Me.

9 - All Star (Smash Mouth)

US: #17 / FR: Not on the list

I know it’s impossible to listen to it with fresh ears after something like 15 years of memes. But it’s still damn good and a ton of fun to sing along with it.

8 - Ma Baker 99 (Boney M)

US: Not on the list / FR: #66

Where’s that photo of the cd compilation I mentioned in the previous list?

There it is.

Yep, it’s a remix, but it charted here, and it sounds and looks absolutely fantastic. I had never heard the original at the time for some reason, and that song sounded so badass. I could only understand isolated bits of the lyrics (like “she was the meanest cat in all Chicago town”, “the cops appeared too soon they couldn’t get away”, “she never could cry”) but it was enough to get a general idea, and that was back when I was starting to realise than most of the dance songs I enjoyed as a kid didn’t tell stories and weren’t about wizards and magic. So, a song about a mean woman who’s also a gangster?? I was like, wow, nice, a song I like with an actual story, give me twenty.

7 - Boom Boom Boom Boom (Vengaboys)

US: Not on the list / FR: #20

Told you I loved Vengaboys! It’s also on that third cd compilation I ever made!

Fun fact, at the time, for a while I didn’t know what the lyrics were and since I only knew a couple of words of English I was convinced a “broom” was somehow involved in the lyrics instead of a “room”.

6 - Souviens-toi du jour (Mylène Farmer)

US: Not on the list / FR: #73

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again ; I used to be a huge fan of her as a teenager and my brain somehow links her and her songs in general to some dark times in my life - and so, every single time she appears on one of my lists, I feel like I’m texting an unstable ex and that things will end horribly and I probably shouldn’t do that but, ugh, can’t help it, love her too much.

Ok so the first seconds are actually painful to listen to but holy shit, that’s a beautiful, beautiful song. When the chorus swells near the end, so full of hope and light? Amazing. Chills on my arms every single time. That’s from one of her best albums, too. I have nothing more to say about it.

5 - Better Off Alone (Alice Deejay)

US: Not on the list / FR: #30

I don’t have anything to say about this one apart from the fact one of my friends around 2005 thought the lyrics were “do you think you’re better? rofl lol” and I think that’s hilarious.

Moving on to- oh shit oh no not that song

4 - Je te rends ton amour (Mylène Farmer)

US: Not on the list / FR: #97

What I said in #6 also applies here and this song is so dark it feels even worse. That song used to be very important in my life. Bad memories, bad times. Really, really bad times.

So. Uh. This is a song about a woman in a painting, who’s despising her creator, and possibly (that’s very, very open to interpretation, here’s a translation) coming out of her frame to kill him. That’s quite possibly the weirdest story I’ve ever heard in a song, and I love it. And it sounds so sinister. God, the first notes. They are so ominous. And that brief moment of silence after the bridge, right before the guitar explodes again? Horrible chills. I’m not sure who killed who or what actually happened in the story but press F to pay respects.

Also the music video has nothing to do with the lyrics and it’s absolutely terrifying and I shouldn’t have watched this at 14 because it’s kinda burned into my mind now and it will never go away and you probably shouldn’t watch it either.

If it wasn’t so inextricably linked to bad memories, this song would be #2. I still love it and listen to it but I kinda jump like a scared rabbit whenever I hear it by surprise and it should come with its own trigger warning as far as I’m concerned.

3 - Narcotic (Liquido)

US: Not on the list / FR: #99

This is barely elligible. But I’m so, so glad it is. These chords right there? Love them. Love. Them.

Also here’s a fun story about this song and me. At first, I was like “oh wow, I can only understand one word out of five, but this sounds badass.” Then a couple of years later I was like “oh. Oh no. It’s about drugs.” And THEN a few years later I was like “oh shit oh no. It’s about sex.” But no, now that I can understand everything, it’s just a breakup song. It’s okay.

2 - Where I’m headed (Lene Marlin)

US: Not on the list / FR: #24

Ok so. Uh. I just realised this song was called Where I’m headed and not, as I believed for literally 18 years, “Pass By”. I had never checked. I have it on several tapes and several cd compilations, always labelled Pass By. It’s also called Pass By on the mp3 I still have in my playlist. I know I’m in the wrong here and probably never checked what the title was but I still feel like there’s been a glitch in the matrix. What happened.

Anyway. Fantastic song. Love it.

Now let’s embarrass myself beyond all hopes of redemption.

1 - Blue (Eiffel 65)

US: Not on the list (...yet. #49 in 2000) / FR: #2

So. Uh. Yeah.

Blue by Eiffel 65 was, for a long, long, LONG time, my favorite song ever.

See? This is one of my oldest lists of favorite songs.

Another one from several months later.

A cd compilation of my favorite songs ever, which I made around 2003 or 2004 as well, with a booklet with lyrics entirely copied by hand and with every page painstakingly illustrated with panels and characters from my favorite comic at the time, Horologiom.

You open the booklet, and look at that, Blue is the second song right after Children.

This silly song which lists blue things and has a nonsensical chorus and one of the dumbest music videos of the entire 90s was, indeed, for years, my favorite song ever. Why. How. Well, first, please remember I am, in fact, a sucker for dance music and electronic music ESPECIALLY when a piano is involved, but this isn’t at all why this song was special to me (and still is, actually).

As I already mentioned, music has colors to me and guess what’s the dominant color of this song? Yepppppp. This is one of the bluest songs ever made even if there’s a little black, yellow and green here and there - the only song I can think about right now which out-blues it is Derezzed by Daft Punk.

And I can’t even begin to explain how SATISFYING a blue song called “Blue” listing blue things and which has an extremely blue music video is.

I know. It’s an embarrassing #1 even for 1999. It took me a long time to post this list partly for this reason. But I wouldn’t be honest if it was placed at any other position. It’s stupid, it’s repetitive, it’s meaningless. I absolutely love it and I’ve loved it for twenty years.

Deal with it.

Next up: the year when I actually started to buy cds with my own money, with debatable results.

[lupinwritings]

Not sure if you'd do this but... Pete being lowkey a sugardaddy?... I love the idea of Pete spoiling Patrick when he's not used to special treatment.

Hi, um, I love this idea. Power dynamics can get real problematic real fast so I’m going to do my best to play with that dynamic without it nearing abuse at all because that’s bad. Hope you enjoy.

Patrick straightened his tie and gritted his teeth as he stepped into Pete’s office. He’d been at the company for just over two years and only met the CEO, Peter Wentz, a few times. It was his last day before he left the company to do more independent music as opposed to production and he had been excited until he got a voicemail that morning scheduling him for a private meeting before he clocked out for the last time. He exhaled through his nose before he raised his eyes, reminding himself that he jsut had to get through this meeting and then he was done.

Peter wasn’t the traditional boss, his hair was long and usually pushed back with enough gel to give him a bit of a fifties greaser look. Patrick might have thought he was handsome if he hadn’t been so scared of why on earth he was having this meeting in the first place. Peter had his legs crossed with one ankle over his other knee and was leaned back casually as if this was an everyday thing for him, which, it probably was. “Sit down, Patrick, you’re not in trouble,” he said with a hint of a smirk on his lips.

Patrick took and seat and smoothed out his jacket and then pants. He could feel his heart in his throat and hoped he didn’t look as nervous as he felt.

“I have to admit, I was sad to see your resignation. You’re a good musician. There’s nothing I can offer you to convince you to stay?”

Patrick took a breath before he shook his head “thank you but - I got a music degree to create my own music, not to manage someone else’s.” He realized his fists were clenched and consciously made himself relax “I appreciate the offer, though.”

Pete nodded and clicked his pen absently. Patrick’s eyes flicked to his hand for a moment, no ring. “I understand. Well, I wish you the best. You were one of our most promising employees so I’m sure you’ll be very successful. Should you ever need anything…” he scribbled something on the back of a business card before standing and offering the card and his hand to Patrick “don’t hesitate to reach out.”

Patrick stood and took the card, then shook Peter’s hand “thank you, Mr. Wentz. It’s been a pleasure to work under you.”

A flicker of amusement passed over Pete’s face before he nodded “Pete. It’s been a pleasure to have you.”

-

The next few weeks were far more stressful that Patrick had imagined. He didn’t have professors or teaching assistants who could help him get gigs anymore, he was on his own for the first time as a musician. He got a few spots playing at bars and even one at an art festival but it was constant work and it didn’t pay nearly as well or as steadily as his previous job.

On the bus ride home from a meeting with the manager of an upper-class Chicago bar, he felt something in the pocket of his suit jacket. He absently rubbed the face of the card without even looking at it, while at his previous job he’d collected his fair share of business cards that he had no use for so finding one in his suit wasn’t strange. He closed his eyes and sighed, he needed this gig - rundown bars only got someone so far, getting a spot at an upper-class place for actually get him some name recognition or tip money, especially if he could manage a recurring gig. He eventually pulled the business card out to give himself something else to think about for a moment.

The front read “Peter Wentz. DCD2 Records, CEO.” and then Pete’s office number. He flipped it over and saw a second phone number written, the one from the meeting on his last day. He figured it would be another office number that would go through a secretary and probably never get to Pete but he took his phone out anyway and dialed the number. It was late enough that the bus was quiet and Patrick could hear every tinny, electronic ring as he waited for for a voicemail, seeing as it was far past office hours.

“Hello?”

Patrick hesitated a second, he hadn’t expected an answer “is this Peter Wentz?”

“One and only, who’s this?”

“Patrick Stump, you said to call if I needed anything.”

Patrick could hear Pete’s tone change through the phone “damn, I was starting to think you’d never call. How’s life?”

Patrick chewed his bottom lip, he wasn’t used to hearing Pete so casual “could be worse. I like getting to make my own stuff.”

“Mhm,” Pete mumbled, he sounded tired and Patrick hoped he hadn’t woken him up “so what made you call?”

Patrick’s leg was bouncing but at least his voice sounded steady “any chance you’ve got any connections at a bar called Harbor Lights? Sorry, I’m sure that’s really unprofessional. Just - fuck, I need this gig.”

Pete hummed “easy. Yeah, I know some people. Tell you what - you meet me for coffee tomorrow and we’ll talk. Get some rest, okay?”

Patrick grinned and nodded even though Pete couldn’t see it “yeah, okay. Thanks - thank you so much.”

“Don’t mention it. I’ll text you details in the morning.” Pete hung up before Patrick could say goodbye. He slipped his phone and the business card back into his pocket as the bus got close to his stop, still smiling slightly.

-

The coffee bar was way above Patrick’s price range but he reasoned that he’d have to spend money to make money. He wasn’t going to argue with the man who might get him his first good gig about coffee locations. He spotted Pete after a moment and took a seat next to him at the bar. Pete turned and smiled before shaking Patrick’s hand. “Good to see you again, man.”

Pete looked good in a suit, Patrick remembered that from their interactions at the office, but Patrick decided that he looked even better casual. He had on skinny jeans and a white button up that had the top couple buttons open under a suede jacket. “You too. H-how are you?” Patrick bit his tongue after his stuttered, his social anxiety would really be the end of him.

Pete smiled, though, and shook his head “better since you called me. I was worried I’d freaked you out.”

“No, I just…” don’t say forgot, he reminded himself “didn’t want to bother you.”

“You could never do that, sweetheart. Now, you’ve got an interview with Dan?”

Patrick nodded “had one yesterday. I just know - I mean, that place must get so many applicants for a position like that and -”

Pete cut him off “don’t worry about it, I get it. I’ll put in a good word. You deserve it. Dan and I have worked together for years.”

“Thank you,” Patrick exhaled, still a little stressed, “it means a lot.”

Patrick got out his wallet as the barista walked over to take his order. Pete put a hand over Patrick’s before he could get his card out “don’t. I’ve got it.”

Patrick opened his mouth to argue but he really wasn’t in a position to turn down a free coffee “thank you, again. Can I ask why you’re being so nice to me?”

Pete let go of his hand and sipped his own coffee “because you’re a damn good songwriter who deserves to make it…” for a moment Patrick could have said Pete looked nervous “but also because you’re cute and you’re not my employee anymore.”

Patrick blinked at him for a moment and searched for words.

“Sorry,” Pete looked down “wishful thinking that you’d - anyway, I’ll make that call for you tonight. Feel free to pretend that didn’t happen.”

“No - I…” Patrick stuttered “I mean, really?”

Pete shrugged “I’d be stupid not to give it a shot. Hope I didn’t make you uncomfortable.”

“You didn’t. I’m sorry, I’m bad at this. If you’re asking me out I’m saying yes.” It wasn’t Patrick’s smoothest line but it was a hell of a lot better than his previous silent staring followed by stammering over incoherent sentences.

“Yeah? Alright, cool. Thanks.”

Patrick laughed, it was strange to see Pete caught off guard “sorry, you’re just a little… out of my league.”

Pete raised an eyebrow “seriously?”

“I mean… yeah.” Patrick looked down.

Pete reached over and tilted Patrick’s chin back up “you’re cute, I’m serious. I figured you’d already have a partner or that you wouldn’t be interested.”

Patrick shook his head “nope, totally single. I don’t really get out much with working a lot and making ends meet right now.”

Pete drew his lips together and hummed thoughtfully “listen, sweetheart… I’m not - just let me know if you need anything. Not just with work. I don’t want to find out you’re not able to pay bills or afford for or anything, okay?”

“Peter, you don’t have to do that.”

“It’s Pete, and I know. I just don’t want you struggling if I’ve got the means to help. I don’t mind taking you out once and a while while you’re still figuring things out.”

Patrick leaned over and hugged Pete, he wasn’t sure if that was the proper thing to do but he needed to say thank you somehow and he didn’t have much else to offer, Pete’s hands on his waist and back felt good, though. He hoped he wouldn’t mess this up.

Like I said, I LOVE this dynamic. I hope you guys liked this as much as I did and please let me know if you want a sequel because I will happily write one. I’ll also write a sequel once this gets to fifty notes. Send me prompts if you have any other ideas and have a great day!

[synthaphone]

thinkin about stuff

i’m very glad that people are exposing abusive people in music, that is always the highest priority

but dear god its so emotionally taxing to have to, every three weeks or so, go through my music library and delete a different artist’s music because i can’t listen to them anymore without the specter of whatever awful fuckin shit they did looming over it

like, i only had two songs by grimes, and she’s technically not a sexual predator as far as we know, but i can’t fuckin listen to those anymore!!! like, its not a matter of ‘if i listen to these, i will be doing a morally bankrupt thing’, its a matter of ‘i can’t fucking hear these without thinking about how much of a stupid asshole grimes turned out to be’

said goodbye to fall out boy ages ago because of their pedophile bassist

in an incredibly ironic twist, i had just watched that feature length video essay about parasocial relationships, which reminded me that i hadn’t listened to the rest of The Mountain Goats’ Beat the Champ, was enjoying that, and then 5 days later it turns out that the dude emotionally preys upon his young queer fans- cool!!!! i liked a lot of their music for like, a couple years, but now listening to it feels like i’m listening to some creep’s carefully curated trauma in order to garner sympathy and approval from people a third his age!!!! fuck!!!

also i briefly was enjoying that new carseat headrest album, but then there was

the whole shit that went down regarding 4l*ng and discovering that the cr*wcillers person, who Mr. Carseatheadrest is a big fan of, is ALSO a b*byfur

i kept listening to his music after that like ‘well maybe he doesn’t approve??’ but i know that was bullshit- when i found out two weeks later or so that he was an ass about how sufjan stevens’ album about his mother’s death was ‘trying too hard to be sad’, i finally just gave up on his music. the second thing is much smaller than the first, but convinced me that if he’s a dick he probably doesn’t give a shit about the first thing and so now i can’t listen to that album either

i still listen to paul simon/simon & garfunkel occasionally, because the dude is dead, i’ve listened to it since i was very little, and it reminds me of good times i’ve spent with my dad, but he definitely got into physical altercations with at least one of his partners.

my dad also played a lot of moby in the car when he drove me to school as a kid, and i loved that dude’s boring electronic music for a very long time as a result (a few songs in particular i listened to when i went to japan for a week in 9th grade, and listening to them can remind me vividly about that trip), but moby’s an absolute fucking dumbass and i know that his music is widely regarded to be terrible, so that’s hard to listen to as well.

i dunno, i guess it just feels like... i mean, with artists like falloutboy or whatever, i’m REALLY glad that they were called out for what they did, and they deserve to be buried from public consciousness. their songs were often about the subject of that dude’s abuse, its super fucked up, and i’m really glad that we know now. but man, for some of the smaller stuff, i can’t say there isn’t a part of me that envies people who listened to music before the internet, and didn’t have to know every dumbass thing about the stupid people who make it, and when the musicians didn’t have a massive platform that allows them so many opportunities to fuck up publically

anyway, that’s a pretty selfish envy when it comes down to it. a lot of the artists that my brain reacts to like ‘well, if john darnielle and grimes and carseat headrest didn’t have the internet, they maybe never would have had the opportunity to do anything shitty’, are like... people who maybe wouldn’t even be making music or famous in the first place without the internet. or people who would have done shitty things anyway, but we wouldn’t know about it, and then their victims would have maybe never found a way to expose their abusers.

i think i’m just tired, like emotionally. a huge part of me kind of just doesn’t trust musicians (especially dudes) who make ‘deeply personal’ music anymore- like, when does it cross the line from creating media to help yourself and other people who experienced similar things cope, into exploiting other people who are hurting into worshipping and validating you and your pain?

i have a renewed appreciation in TMBG for making mostly character or conceptual songs and keeping a personal distance from their fanbase- i mean, i know they’re not beyond fucking up too, but i’m just so tired. i was so paranoid that when the aquabats made their kickstarter, as much as i’ve loved that band in the past, part of me doesn’t trust them not to fuck up so badly in the future that i’d have to trash all of their music?? i still haven’t donated, either to the first failed one or the relaunch- i’m tempted to, especially since they broke down where they planned to spend all the money they were looking for, but between the fear of betrayal and the fact that i probably shouldn’t be spending much money frivolously right now, its hard to justify it. i want the stickers, especially if any of them feature lil bat, but again: what if they turn out to be awful people?? does the fact that i’m so paranoid about it with the aquabats but not with a lot of other bands i listen to mean i’m on to something, or is that extremely unfair of me??

i need to open commissions and don’t have any excuse for not doing it anymore- i’m honest to god just scared. i’m scared that i’ll either price my artwork too low, or too high, or that i’ll get a commission and discover that i can’t draw what the commissioner wants, or that i’ll mess up the payment process or the taxes involved with doing freelance...

i’ll be honest, i keep doing those centibyte colors because there’s like, a clear end goal. finish all the colors! very simple. don’t know what to do? work on another color!! nothing to worry about, i can zone out and listen to music... but shit like, buying a new laptop, finding a job, opening commissions, personal projects... changing my residency to georgia (i think i missed the driver’s license transfer window and now i’m just... trying not to think about that. denial, heyy)

and i’d be lying if i said a big part of my incentive for making artwork isn’t for validation. one of the problems i have when i consider applying for a job is that i can’t sell myself- i simultaneously KNOW i’m qualified for jobs, like, i’m a fairly talented animator, if inexperienced, and i can draw appealing illustrations and creatures- but my insecurities kind of prevent me from being able to say ‘i’m an illustrator’ or ‘i would be a good fit for your company’. like, i’ve broken down and cried in college on multiple occassions- i really don’t want that to happen at a job??? plus, there aren’t a lot of positions open near me that i’m interested in, or that fit the criteria of what i can do, and combined with my fear to check for new ones...

so posting neopets fanart (or any fanart, really) on the internet is easy validation- i’m obsessed with seeing people enjoy my work, and that’s one of the other reasons i haven’t started my personal project. i want to tell a story, but i really want to tell it for me, without obsessing over how other people will react to it or if other people will like it. i kind of know that it isn’t a very good story?? i just want to put it into physical form, as a sort of emotional fulfillment to myself. i feel like i can only do that if i promise never to post it, but then in the back of my mind, there’s always a voice saying shit like “but if it turns out good... you could eventually post it”, sort of poisoning the whole thing. i haven’t even started. 

i improved so much at art after i started posting my art to the internet in high school, but i do miss how i would just draw and make stuff up for myself and my sisters when i was in middle school. some of my incentive WAS for people to eventually see it and enjoy it, in the case of when i was obsessed with designing toys, or writing a fantasy novel, but that kind of feedback was set in the distant future, and some of it was just for me, or for games i was playing with my sisters and friends. i want to figure out how to make stuff for me again

[moonliuna]

All the Wrong Notes

For egg week 2017 I decided to rewrite Nowhere Near You from Owen’s perspective. He’s a great character and I just want him to be loved tbh. So, please enjoy~ 

Fandom: Because You’ll Never Meet Me- Leah Thomas

Word count: 1,702

Read on Ao3 here

“Ich bin hier.” 

It’s what I’ve been signing to Fieke for as long as I can remember. Sometimes angrily, sometimes in self-pity, sometimes as if to remind myself. 

“Ich bin hier!” I am here.

See me.

Talk to me; let me respond with shaking hands, with pen, with music notes spilling from a stage. Allow me to tell you my secrets. 

Using anything but this void- this voiceless mouth.

I hand him a book, tapping the spine so he can see it. “Orchid”, I mouth. We’re volunteering in the school’s library, arranging the children’s books in rainbow order.

“How is orchid a color? It is already a plant. Is that not enough of a thing to be?”

I try to hold back a smile, and he elbows me. Leaning into him, I keep tapping the spines, pretending I can hear notes coming together.

He doesn’t meet my eyes. He can see me without doing so. The dull purple reflects in the black of his goggles. 

Him, lacking eyes; me, lacking a tongue. Sometimes I wonder if we make up for each other’s emptiness, or if this just makes the both of us worse. Creating black holes in the inches between us.

He sees using sound- some kind of echolocation. So I’m always tapping, trying to illuminate the world. Or maybe just myself. 

Ich bin hier.

“If you can’t handle work this simple,” the librarian, Frau Pruwitt, says, “how do you expect to get along in a respectable school?”

She’s not talking to me. 

I hear his breath catch, sense his anxiety. I start tapping. My nervous energy rushes the beat. 

Flowing water escapes my reach.

“Tomorrow,” I trace carefully on his arm, “come over.”

I laugh at his questioning reply.

“It’s a surprise!” 

And it takes him a minute to meet my eyes. But when he does, he’s smiling.

My phone chimes. 

Gutschein? (“Rain check?”)

I can’t help but worry.

Ist alles ok? (“Is everything ok?”) 

I imagine text-to-speech reading my message to him, explaining the words trapped inside a flat surface. Impossible for him to see.

Ich habe erkrankt. Es tut mir so leid. (“I’ve fallen ill. So sorry.”) 

It could easily be a lie, but I want to believe in him more than that. Still, it’s difficult. I feel like I'm making a song with all the wrong notes. 

Even a change of key can’t fix it.

He’s not home. I leave his gift- an orchid- with his father.

Surprise.

Get well soon.

I pull out my phone once I’m back home. Of course, Fieke is furious at him. She’s my sister- the only family I have left. Of course she’s protective. I just want to know the truth.

Hey, Moritz. Looks like you decided to surprise me today instead. Frau Pruwitt said you left angry. But we could have talked about it. You didn’t have to lie. You never asked me what I thought about you switching schools. You clam up! But I know that if I had a chance to leave Bernholdt-Regen, you would send me on my way. I’ll miss your frown. But Kreiszig isn’t that big. 

It doesn’t take long for him to respond.

Some of the schools aren’t in Kreiszig.

Owen?

I pause.

Yes?

I’m apologizing. Profusely.

Another pause. A breath of hesitation. I hope it doesn’t knock down this house of cards I’ve built.

Apologize in person.

In person?

You said “rain check”. That part better not have been a lie! 

It wasn’t a lie.

“Owen,” he whispers. “I haven’t apologized.”

“Owen. The orchid smelled like cinnamon.”

I am here. For the first time, it’s for someone else.

“If you think this is going to get you closer to him somehow- wake up. He’ll think you’re an idiot or he’ll think you’re being cute. He doesn’t take you seriously.” Fieke rants. We’re sitting in the pub, as usual.

All I can do is sign furiously in response, filled with the urge to scream. 

Back off.

I know.

I just want a chance. 

Of course, he appears. I pick up my phone, tap away at my latest project. Fail to block out their conversation.Their voices raise, and when I look up, the air has changed to ice and fire.

“We...”

“Us...”

“Our...”

I gaze at the two in disbelief. When did I become an accessory? When did I lose what little voice I had left?

Fieke slams her fist on the table.

I stand. I walk to the empty microphone in the front of the bar. Clutching it in my hands, I make eye contact with them. I stand on the tiny stage, mouthing the same words I always have. Yet, I’m silent.

“Ich bin hier.”

“Ich bin hier.”

“Ich bin hier!”

I am here. 

See me.

It’s 4 am.

I want to listen. If you want to speak.

I’m angry. But I still respond.

If you’re doing this out of pity, forget it!

You shouldn’t believe everything your sister says.

Leave her out of it. And you’re still talking down to me.

I’m sorry. It isn’t intentional.

It never is. People think that being silent is the same as having nothing to say. It’s not.

I don’t think you have nothing to say. Your actions speak volumes. Tomes of chronicles of volumes.

You can never say things simply.

Things: simply.

And you have a terrible sense of humor! 

God. I can never stay mad.

You mean a great deal to me, Owen.

I need to hear that more.

Love you.

He doesn’t respond. I knew he wouldn’t.

I walk into the pub nearly an hour late. I’m still surprised he got there first.Tapping on my phone, I slide into the chair across from him. Only when I’m finally done do I pull out a pen and start writing on a napkin.

Why did you want to see me Moritz.

“Why wouldn’t I?”

Our conversation is long and fruitless. Frankly, it just leaves me exhausted. He’s constantly busy; am I not allowed to be?

Eventually, I fill up the last space on the napkin.

Have to go, DJing downtown.

He offers to come. And though he’s abysmal at reading sign language, I refuse to pull out another napkin; it’ll just invite more conversation.

I have to repeat myself, but he gets the message.

“I don’t want you to.”

I manage to leave without revealing my feelings once.

He shows up at my apartment a few days later. Fieke leaves immediately.

We exchange small smiles as the atmosphere slowly shifts from fear to comfort and back again. 

“What are you up to?” He sits next to me and gingerly places his head on my shoulder. 

I turn my computer screen away, before belatedly realizing the movement was pointless. He can’t see screens.

I type into my computer, the electronic voice reading my answer. “I set up a text-based role-playing forum. Weeks ago.”

His expression turns surprised, then vaguely interested. When he questions me further, I explain the premise to him. “This is an MORPG about the lives of superhuman kids created in a secret laboratory on the edge of Germany’s Tharandt Forest. Set a decade ago.” 

He sits up, borderline panicked. “Beg pardon?”

It’s where he lost his eyes- as a child stuck in a laboratory that his mother ran. They were trying to fix his heart, he told me. They altered his genetic code when he was only a fetus. Obviously, it failed. He not only lost his eyes, but his heart doesn’t work properly either. He still uses a pacemaker. 

The scientists experimented on other kids too. Dozens, now scattered across the world- each with a different mutation. 

I’m not one of them.

I explain further, “I’m trying to connect with the kids you knew…”

“How could you do this?”

I half close my laptop. This isn’t what I wanted. 

“I did this for you. I thought you’d want to meet the others.”

“No. I only wish to meet one of them.” 

As he slowly inches away, I understand.

Of course. 

A boy he’s been writing to for nearly two years. Who he’s known for longer than he’s known me. A boy who lives over 8,000 km away, in the middle of America. A boy who I wrote to recently. 

The boy who helped me create this forum. 

I wonder if he knows. 

I can’t bring myself to ask.

Our argument is long and by the end I thought I’d run out of both patience and misery. But when I kick him out and slam the door, I sob.

The next time I see him, I’m with a boy who introduced himself as Max. We’re standing outside his university. It’s the same one Moritz goes to. 

When Moritz comes near us, I can tell that something’s off. He reacts far too slowly, walks unsteadily. Max doesn’t see a problem. He walks forward, claps Moritz on the back.

“Nice to see you. This is… well, he’s very quiet. I didn’t get his name.”

“His name’s Owen,” he responds. 

I don’t bother signing.

The last time I see Moritz is at the airport- overall, a fitting spot for a goodbye. Fieke is leaving with him. Somehow, they ended up working everything out. I know now that we weren’t meant to.

Others from the forum came to meet him; he ended up using it after all. They’re the ones who helped him locate his mother. He’s leaving for America to meet her. Maybe he’ll see the boy too.

He turns to me last. I can tell he wants to speak, so I hold up a finger. Scrawling in a notebook, I hold it out to him.

Moderator. Username bachandbeyond 

Like the others, I introduced myself using my titles from the forum.

“Owen.” 

I can feel his regret. 

“All you’ve done. The board. This flight. I could thank you a thousand times, and you’d deserve more.”

I’m trying to pinpoint my feelings. I’m not vexed, or even sad anymore. It’s bittersweet. There’s nothing left of us, is there?

“Have I ever known you, Owen?”

Maybe not.

But you heard me.

[patricksilvrrozartistry]

Current Music Obsessions: November 16 - 30, 2017

Soooo there's A LOT of stuff this time. I PURGED my watch later playlist and there's still over a hundred songs on there. ANYWAYS, here are the honorable mentions.

Then Comes Silence - Warm like Blood Lyria - What Do You Want From Me? Witchcraft - Холодный свет A Skylit Drive - Wires and the Conscept of Breathing Fenrir's Scar - From Porcelain to Ivory Royal Blood - How Did We Get so Dark? Cadence Calling - The Accounts of Evil The Oblivion - Helios In this Moment - Roots Demether - Two Roses Tears of Martyr - Evil Domini Words as Knives - Over the Abyss Kobra and the Lotus - Prevail Aftereffect - Fade Away HDK - Pedestal Diamond Black - Sorrow A Crowd of Rebellion - M1917 Alaska Thunderfuck - Come to Brazil Syndemic - Exileseeker Crimfall - The Last of Stands Elephants in Paradise - Feeding a Lie Kalela - LMK Sinistro - Lotus Mercury Killed Newton - Arusha Mourning Sun - Latitud:56'S Aly & AJ - I Know Satanicpornocultshop - Left Handed Darling Imperious - Scorn Cellar Darling - Six Days Lake of Silent Terror - Eyes of God Pale Waves - New Year's Eve A Sound of Thunder - Lifebringer

And the many obsessions.

1) Wheelfall - Impenitent

If you're looking for a death metal track with a dope ass intro, this is the song for you. The intro is so cool and different. It's your typical death metal track, but there's something about this song that's just so epic. Definitely a great listen.

2) Dim7 - Apophis Enigmata

This is blackened doom metal at its finest. It oddly has a groovy vibe to it in the early parts, but then it gets very doomy towards the end. I'm really digging the new direction that these guys are going it. I really enjoyed their gothic doom metal stuff from their early days, but this new stuff is pretty damn awesome.

3) Skarlett Riot - Warrior

This band fuses really catchy vocal lines with some badass riffs and I love the contrast between them. This band is really starting to grow on me the more and more I listen to them. This is a great jam and the breakdown near the end is a great way to tone things down a bit while still maintaining a lot of energy.

4) Moon Tooth - Little Witch

This song and video are so campy that it's making me love them. I'm still very new to these guys, so I don't know if a lot of their stuff is this cheesy, but even if isn't, I'm loving it. Definitely has a psychedelic rock, classic doom metal vibe to it. Go give these guys a listen.

5) Diablo Swing Orchestra - Knucklehugs (Arm Yourself with Love)

This is the first single off their upcoming album and I am so hyped for it. This song is pure camp fused with being an anthem track. Although I'll definitely miss them having  a soprano, their new frontwoman is bringing some new dimensions to them that's going to make them campier and I'm beyond excited for that.

6) Ruins of Elysium - The Birth of a Goddess

This is their latest single off their latest album and is definitely one of the highlights off it. We really need more bands like Ruins of Elysium that show their love and support for the LGBT community in their music, especially in the symphonic metal scene. Not only that, but be open enough to show to the world that they're fronted by someone in the community. This song speaks to me on so many levels being the bi dude that I am, and I can't help but feel so loved by such an amazing band. I can't wait to be able to meet Drake, because ya bitch needs to do that.

7) Cradle of Filth - Vengeful Spirit feat. Liv Kristine

Cryptoriana is handsdown their best album in the past decade, and this song is proof of that. I never expected Liv to collaborate with them again, especially on a more aggressive track like this. It's an epic adventure from start to finish and I can't get enough of it. If you're going to listen to anything off this gorgeous album, listen to this.

8) Rivers of Nihil - Perpetual Growth Machine

I rekindled my love for this ballbuster recently. I really need to listen to everything else this band has released, because this is the only song I've listened to from them. The riffs are so great and are always in your face. Don't even get me started on how intense the bridge is. Needless to say, it mutilated my balls.

9) Aeonian Sorrow - Forever Misery

I'm so happy to hear that Gogo of Luna Obscura is in an active project again. This song is completely different from the stuff from them. She sings in a much lower register. Oh, and this is depressive doom metal and not gothic metal. Such a hauntingly beautiful track.

10) HDK - Mortal Zombie

Discovered this song after I watched an interview for Sander's project Phantom Elite and they mentioned he was part of After Forever and I couldn't remember who he was so I went onto the metal archives and found this project under him and checked it out. This song is so epic. It's a bit cheesy, but the fact that it's such an intense and in your face track makes up for it.

11) Amberian Dawn - Dragonflies

I am blown away by how insanely epic this new album is proving itself to be already and I haven't even heard it yet. They're definitely going in a more faster direction and playing with some prog vibes. This is such an epic track and Capri looks insane in the video.

12) Evenoire - Forever Gone

This band never seems to fail me. Each song is such an epic piece of work. This song is so beautiful and has such a cool vibe to it and flows so nicely. I really love how proggy it is and how it switches tone a decent amount. Also it's the first song I've heard from them that features growls.

13) Apparition - The Dames of Darkness

This was a random find that I am so glad I came across. Such a beautiful and power gothic metal track. The end of the final chorus is everything. I love finding these hidden gems that snatch your edges out of nowhere.

14) Metalite - Purpose of Life

This band definitely has my attention. I'm very much looking forward to listening to their debut album, because everything I'm hearing so far is amazing. The strong electronic element goes so well with their power metal sound. Not to mention this song is definitely the fastest that I've heard from them so far.

15) Kartikeya - Durga Puja

I discovered this song through the band's record label and I'm so intrigued. It starts out sounding like progressive death metal, then it gets really weird during the bridge. Like, really weird. It sounds like the frontman is just speaking gibberish, but not a beat-boxing gibberish that Korn uses in their songs, this sounds like legit gibberish. I'm definitely am gonna listen to more from these guys and see what other interesting things they got going on.

16) Gravity - Noctifer ~ Le Porteur de Nuit

I discovered these guys not too long ago and this is the second song I've heard so far. They're a progressive death metal band with some strong djent vibes. I really want to hear more from them, because they have such an interesting sound. It sounds atmospheric, but is way to aggressive to be atmospheric.

17) Forbidden Lore - Endless Run

Another random discovery that snatched my edges. This is such a powerful symphonic power metal track and I need more of it. It's rare to find songs like this on the Metal Monks page, so when I saw it, I had to give it a listen, and I'm so glad I did. Their frontwoman has such a strong voice and I need more of it.

18) Eluveitie - Rebirth

This is their first metal single with the new lineup and I'm not mad at it. I was worried I wasn't going to like their new female singer as much as Anna, but she definitely fits very well. And it's also really great to hear a ballbuster that's reminiscent to some of their earlier stuff.

19) The Hardkiss - Part of Me

I was on a huge The Hardkiss kick for a minute and this was the main song I was jamming to. It's so catchy and fun and the bridge gets me every time. I wonder if they'll go back to having the obnoxiously artsy videos like they did back during the Stones and Honey days, because those were always fun to look at.

20) Aura's Seers - In Our Minds

This is their latest song and it's gorgeous. I LOVE the blend of trip hop with atmospheric metal. It has such a weird and beautiful contrast. And the video is breathtakingly beautiful. I can't wait to hear a full length album from them.

21) Lil Peep - The Brightside

It's so sad that he's past away. Especially since I discovered him maybe a month beforehand. This was the second song I heard from him and it really hits hard with what's going on right now. This song embodies the struggles he was going through. But even though things were really rough for him, he always wanted to look on the brightside. Even if he couldn't, he wanted his fans to at least do so with whatever situation they were/are going through.

22) Navarone - Step by Step

I discovered these guys a while back through either Marcela Bovio or Dianne Van Giersbergen and I really dig their sound. They're very different compared to majority of the Dutch bands I listen to. I guess you could say it's prog, but it's definitely not metal by any means. Such a fun song and a great jam. Really am looking forward to hearing more from these guys.

23) Johari - Bloom

Found a new gem on Spaceuntravel. These guys are ambient progressive metal that remind me a lot of Ashe O'hara's era with Tesseract. It has this soft, but in your face vibe to it that I really like. I'm definitely am gonna be listening to their new album sometime soon, because this song is just so great that I need to hear more from them.

24) Maidens of the North - Carry Your Darkness

Randomly came across this song one day and decided to check it out. I’m so glad I did. This song is so great. An all girl symphonic metal band. Do you know how hard it is to find an all girl metal band? Very! I’m definitely looking forward to what they release in the future, because this song alone is amazing.

25) Snovonne - Filth

For some reason this song reminds me of a Manson song, but it's nothing like a Manson. I came across them through a Facebook page and instantly fell in love with the bizarre and creepy atmosphere. It's so different from what I'm used to hearing from gothic metal bands that have a symphonic element to it. Definitely am gonna check out more from them.

That's it! There's probably gonna be a lot next time, so here's your warning!

[sunlightmagazine-blog]

ALBUM REVIEW: LANY by LANY

Around this time last year I discovered LANY after mindlessly scrolling through my Facebook feed and seeing an article comparing the LA trio to The 1975. Of course I immediately had to learn who these dudes were because my love for The 1975 is neverending. How could I not love an American version of one of my favorite bands? LANY definitely has many elements that make it easy to compare them to The 1975 but they hold a certain simplicity that perfectly fits their California vibes.

Last year LANY only had three EP’s in existence: “I Loved You.”, “Make Out”, and “kinda”. My favorite songs from these EP’s were “pink skies”, “WHERE THE HELL ARE MY FRIENDS”, and “ILYSB” (which thankfully, is on their self-titled debut album). Finally, on June 30th of this year they released “LANY”. This album is a dreamy collection of sad love songs, catchy beats, simple lyrics, and soulful/unique vocals. “LANY” is a perfect album for coping with a breakup or just going for a night drive on a nice summer night.

The first song on the album, “Dumb Stuff”, evokes a certain kind of teen innocence and initiates the feelings of young love that flow throughout the album. That sweet synth makes you feel like you could be listening to a revamped 80s album. I am in love with how the song starts with a rainy background. This is a perfect introduction to LANY’s sound; simple lyrics, dancy beats, and sweet fantasies about love and its complex simplicity.

“The Breakup” is definitely one of the catchiest tracks. Paul Klein’s vocals have the perfect “dream guy” sound. I got a little bored with some of the lyrics by the end of the song but the guitar is magical and pairs perfectly with the sporadic piano following Klein’s vocals. The repetition of lyrics seems to be LANY’s signature style which is actually something I am growing to appreciate. In the noisy world of music, sometimes it’s nice to enjoy an album that doesn’t try to impress it’s listeners with a load of  “deep”/complex lyrics.

“Super Far” was the first song on this album that made me turn up the volume within the first five seconds of listening. The beat and vocals make me think of a 90s R&B song so of course it’s easy to fall in love with. It’s hard to not want to dance when you listen to this song; however, despite how dancy it initially sounds, the lyrics reveal real heartache and uncertainty in a relationship. “Super Far” is a great example of the overall theme of the album. I LOVE LOVE LOVE the electronic sounds (excuse the lack of technical terms) used in the last minute or so of the track during the bridge. LANY is truly a fun band to listen to and “Super Far” exemplifies this characteristic.

“Overtime” is another simple song that screams 1980’s. The electronics used throughout the song are hypnotizing which is something I love about LANY. This is another song similar to “The Breakup” where I got a little bored with the lyrics but the overall sound is nice to have as background music. It’s definitely an easy song to memorize because of how repetitive the lyrics are. Not one of my favorite’s on the album but it definitely ties their whole aesthetic together.

“Flowers On the Floor” is by far one of the most creative songs on the album. Going with the title, the track starts with the sound of wood floors creaking. To be totally honest with you I always find myself dancing in my car, room, bathroom, etc. when I listen to this song. This is one song of LANY’s that I can appreciate the repetition of lyrics. “Flowers On the Floor” would be such a fun song to see live and would involve a lot of dancing and shouting. The guitar on this track reminds me a lot of The 1975 which is pretty cool. Once again, Klein’s vocals make you feel like you’re in some kind of 1980s-90s teen dream romance.

“Parents” is probably the CUTEST track I have ever heard on an album. The entire song is just a voice message left by drummer Jake Goss’ mother. She lovingly dotes over the tattoo that Goss had done which is just the word “Parents” in a heart on his arm. After doing some investigation of my own, I found the actual instagram post from July of last year that she is talking about. Sure enough, the tattoo is there with the caption “suuuup. parents are important. love you steve and susan g!” This was such a random thing to add to the album but I really love how authentic and adorable it is.

Finally, we’ve come to my favorite song on the album, “ILYSB”. Like I mentioned before, this song was first on LANY’s “Make Out” EP. I think this was the first song I heard by them and I instantly fell in love. The sound fits perfectly with the rest of the album. Lots of synth, dreamy vocals, and catchy beats make this track really memorable. It’s really easy to get this song stuck in your head so be careful if you don’t feel like having an amazing tune playing in your head for the rest of the day. This is another one that I would LOVE to see live. “ILYSB” shows just how talented LANY really is and demonstrates how great they are at incorporating vintage sounds with modern music.

“13” is probably my least favorite song on the album. For me, it’s too slow, BUT that doesn’t mean you won’t enjoy it! Even though I’m not a fan of the overall sound I think a lot of the lyrics are really cute. Klein’s vocals and the classic snapping (clapping?) in the background make me think of a Babyface or Boyz II Men song. Klein’s falsetto in the last minute or so of the song are TO DIE FOR. Could he be any more perfect??  

By the title alone you can tell that “Hericane” is going to be a tragic love song. This is another 90’s sounding song and sometimes it’s a bit too slow for me but it’s still really sweet and flows well with the album’s theme. I love how much emphasis is placed on Klein’s vocals. The harmonies are heartwarming. This would definitely be an emotional fan favorite during a live show. At surface level it seems like a sweet serenade but deep down I think it rounds out the general feelings that come with being on the brink of losing a relationship. Well done with communicating such complex feelings, boys!  

I really love the intro to “Hurts”. This is another one that makes you want to go for a relaxing summer drive with all of the windows down. The lyrics are pretty catchy and it’s easy to want to sing along with Klein even from when you first hear the song. One thing that I always love from any artist is when they casually mention one of their older songs in new material. In this song Klein sings, “I remember when it was pink skies, just you and me” (“pink skies” is on LANY’s “kinda” EP). This is such a subtle way to show the evolution of the relationship that this album is about. “The more I love the more it hurts” is a beautiful, vulnerable, and honest statement. Like I said before, LANY has pretty simple lyrics but I think that “Hurts” shows just how powerful simple lyrics can be.

“Good Girls” starts with a dance-y beat that makes you feel like you’re shopping at H&M or Forever 21, and guess what...THAT’S OKAY. THAT’S THE AESTHETIC THAT LANY CATERS TO. City scenes, high fashion, and modern vibes are a huge influence on today’s music and that is exactly what we get with “Good Girls”. It’s not one of my favorite songs from this album, but it’s definitely a fun song to listen to! I can appreciate the fact that LANY is willing to mess around with catchy beats and electronic sounds like they did on this track.

I’ve been really excited to talk about this next song. “Pancakes” is so unique and probably up there with “ILYSB” as far as being one of my favorites. The first time I listened to it I honestly thought my spotify had randomly started playing something off of Frank Ocean’s “Blonde” until I heard Klein start singing. Call me crazy, but the beat and synth remind me a lot of Ocean’s song “Nights” for some reason. I respect LANY for incorporating elements of R&B in their sound. I am IN LOVE with the way Klein sings the lyrics and I’m pretty sure it’s the reason why this song has been stuck in my head for the past two days. The whole track is so dreamy. Even though I cannot decipher the deeper meaning behind singing about pancakes and champagne, I think this is some of LANY’s best work on the album.  

“Tampa” is another slow jam that shows how beautiful and relaxed Klein’s vocals really are. I got a little bored with the lyrics again but their simplicity made me really focus on the musicality of the song. The electronics are intricate and beautifully woven together by the end of the song. With less lyrics I think it would sound a lot like The 1975’s “I like it when you sleep, for you are so beautiful yet so unaware of it”.

“Purple Teeth” is a fun song that makes you want to dance. I love that it feels like it could fit into a 1980’s romance movie. The synthesizer and guitar make me feel like LANY should have made a soundtrack for a John Hughes film. I don’t see the connection of the title with the song but I actually kind of love how unique and memorable it is. I love the echo of Klein’s vocals near the end of the song. Overall, “Purple Teeth” is a simple song with lots of soul.

The entirety of “So, Soo Pretty” is honestly...soooo pretty? The song is less than two minutes long and is mostly made up of a beautiful piano melody with a beat mixed in here and there. There is something about this track that is hauntingly beautiful. In my mind it seems like a lovely expression of the heartache that follows the loss of a romantic relationship. This song and the album as a whole do a great job of showing how to process and cope with a change in a relationship with someone you may still love.

“It Was Love” starts again with LANY’s classic hypnotizing synth. You can really feel how heartbreaking the overall vibes of this album are when you listen to this song. It sounds really similar to quite a few of the other tracks as far as how slow it is. I LOVE the electronic sounding saxophone that creeps in during the middle of the song. This is another trait that shows LANY is well-versed in their R&B/1980s knowledge. They even have some drum effects that sound like they’re straight out of the 1980s. The song ends abruptly which is actually a beautiful, artistic choice. I think it really illustrates the idea that sometimes love can just end before you really expect it.

By the time I got to the end of “LANY” I was able to confidently say that this was a beautiful debut for the band. They did a great job of communicating their style and solidifying their place within the alternative/indie-pop scene. LANY has definitely made me into an even bigger fan of theirs after this piece of art. I would love to see these boys live one day so I can dance around to “ILYSB” and cry when they play “It Was Love”. I hope they continue to expand their style/sound as they grow as a band. Look out for this talented trio as they work their way up the music ladder, friends!

Listen to LANY by LANY:

https://open.spotify.com/album/0HiwsXForePsWdIZW6EEkK

Find LANY:

http://thisislany.com/

https://twitter.com/thisisLANY

https://www.facebook.com/thisislany/

https://www.instagram.com/thisislany/

Review by Marissa Jackson.

[noisylibrary]

This year we decided to list our favourite albums in a new format. Pictured above is the collection of our top 100 albums placed near similar sounding albums. 

Below is our top 10 favourite albums of 2018, in no particular order!

You Won’t Get What You Want - Daughters 

Uncompromisingly noisy and abrasive, Daughters have proved that, as amazing as their last album was (2010s self-titled release), they were only scratching the surface when it came to the aggression, horror, and abrasiveness. You Won’t Get What You Want has the energy of a thrash or black metal album, but the rhythm and repetition of a Swans record. It’s noise rock pushed to it’s furthest extremities. What separates Daughters here though from other loud rock bands is easily their versatility. When this album gets loud, it gets ear shattering: songs like “The Flammable Man”, standing at just two minutes, is one of the busiest and most overwhelming rock songs of the year. “The Reason They Hate Me” is similar in that regard, but offers a more direct and straight forward song structure.

Even in their quiet moments, Daughters still manages to be as terrifying. “City Song” is atmospheric and chalk-full of tension, with frontman Alexis Marshall speaking his esoteric lyrics at a near whisper quiet volume, back by harsh shots of noise and a thick wall of sound. “Less Sex” and “Daughter” are similar in their hazy approach, but still manage to remain on par in terms of substance, whether it be in the mental health references in the former, or the intense, scoring harmonies at the tail end of the latter.

While the previously mentioned tracks are all fantastic and make for a powerful and diverse listen on their own, Daughters without a doubt saves the heaviest and most mind-melting moments for the last two songs on the record. The first of which, titled “Ocean Song”, takes lyrical cues from an album like Spiderland, telling the story of a man who, upon returning to his home, is struck with an overwhelming sense of terror (“He explodes through the backyard like a shot from a gun, clearing the fence in one leap”). It’s one of the most intense moments on the record, and it is only escalated by the unrelenting piles of guitars and crashing drums. However, it’s on “Guest House”, the albums final moments, that the true horror of this album comes to its ultimate climax. Over and over, walls of sour guitars and drums crash down on top of one another. Marshall’s vocals are more tortured and broken down than they have ever been, as his cries of “Let me in” go completely unanswered. The song is only four and a half minutes, but not a second is wasted, as it is packed with dread and fear that will shake the strongest of souls to their core.

For sure, there are albums in 2018 that might reflect on the current times better than that of “You Won’t Get What You Want”. Will this album still be as relevant as an album like “Wide Awake” or be as well remembered as “Kids See Ghosts” ten or twenty years down the road? It’s hard to say. Regardless of what you think of the album, though, it wreaks of universal dread; its lyrics may be tough to pin down and won’t be as relatable as most albums from the past year, but its sound is unmatched in terms of its experimentation and its emotional trauma. It’s not for the faint-hearted, but if you can see through the many, MANY, noisy guitars and instruments, then you may just find yourself enjoying the existential sadness of this record.

Die Lit - Playboi Carti

Playboi Carti is no lyrical miracle. One listen to his viral hit (and banger) Magnolia from 2017 and his general subject matter and sound are apparent. Unfortunately, his debut mixtape didn’t exactly live up to the expectations of that song. Thankfully though, Die Lit was released earlier this year and allowed Carti to prove himself as a more than worthy name in hip-hop. Die Lit is loaded with dusty trap bangers, minimal and simple but hypnotic instrumentation. The beats are woozy and drugged out, but are filled with psychedelic sounds and samples. Playboi doesn’t venture too far out of his comfort zone, but does demonstrate that his style is more versatile than it was on his debut mixtape and on Magnolia. “R.I.P” is probably trap’s banger of the year, with its aggressive lyrics and Carti's cutting energy. “Shoota” with Lil Uzi Vert is actually sort of epic in the way its pianos and strings escalate with Carti and Vert singing over top of it. This album even has a few topical tracks, like “Mileage”, which is as close to a love song as you’re going to get on this record. If you haven’t been pleased with Carti up until this point, I implore you to give Die Lit a shot. Again, Carti is not this generations Tupac, and his lyrics are easy to criticize for being simple and just plain dumb, but his rapping combined with the whacked out, zany beats on this album create an album that is utterly intoxicating.

Snares like a Haircut - No Age

With the amount of influences on this record, this record should sound like a sad attempt at reinventing the sounds of 80s and 90s indie and post-punk. But it’s just the opposite - No Age combines these influences to make a rock album that tributes its roots while also crafting something strange and idiosyncratic. The vocals are passionate, the riffs are tight, especially on the opening track, and the production is solid from front to back. The band combines Sonic Youth-like indie and psychedelic passages to create something an album that is both accessible but also experimental. The title track, for example, is a spacey, electronic instrumental centre-piece that really shouldn’t work as well as it does. No Age effectively encompasses so many different styles and ultimately succeeded in making one of the best rock albums of the year, hands down.

2012-2017 - Against All Logic

House Music doesn’t really have a lot of sway in terms of influence and popularity in 2018. Sure, the mainstream is crowded with bass-heavy EDM music, and it has been for much of the 2010s, but much like hip-hop, it’s all been saturated to a point in which the current trends and sounds bleed between songs seamlessly to the point where nothing new is being brought to the genre. There comes a time in every genre’s existence that the sounds that were popular decades prior start to creep their way back into the music. In the underground Dance Music scene, this reinvention has undoubtedly been led by producer Nicolas Jaar. His 2011 album Space is Only Noise was hazy and ambient, but featured driving base drums that kept the music groovy. Similarly, in 2013, his collaboration with Dave Harrington under the name Darkside improved on these sounds in a major way, adding some rock elements to the otherwise dark and patient dance beats.

Now, in 2018, under a new alias “Against All Logic”, Jaar out of nowhere drops what is easily one of the grooviest and most infectious dance albums of the past decade. It wreaks of the late 90s and early 2000s house music from the likes of Daft Punk, but the samples and textures that Jaar plays with all add up to an eerily atmospheric and dense listen. But even on the surface, these songs are catchy and funky and will get you moving from the first song to the last. “This Old House is All I Have” is the perfect opener, especially in its title reference the roots of the album's music. From there on, it’s a wild concoction of sample-heavy house; Jaar’s attention to detail in the sounds of this album is evident in each and every one of these songs. It may not be first on our list, but it’s about as close to perfect as a dance music album can sound in the current landscape of music.

Some Rap Songs - Earl Sweatshirt

At 25 minutes and only 15 tracks, Earl Sweatshirt makes a statement before you even hit play on the first track, that this is not going to be a typical release from the former Odd Future member. Then once you do hit play, it becomes even more apparent that Some Rap Songs is not even close to your average rap album in 2018, especially from a name as recognizable as Earl’s. His generally monotone voice and nonchalant style are still here, but it’s the instrumentals and lyrical subject matter that separates this album from not only Earl’s own discography but from every other rap album in 2018. The experimental beats are hard to grasp, cluttered and grimy as if the spirit of Madlib lives within every single one of them. Listen to the piano samples on “Loosie” and “The Mint”, both of which are choppy and grainy, the former being one of the most lumbering on the entire project.

As amazing and unique as the beats are, though, it’s still Earl who steals the show. His sense of humour is still present, but for the most part, these songs deal with Earl’s struggling mental health and personal issues. One of the most compelling and personal moments on this record doesn’t even feature Earl’s rapping, but instead features his mother and late father, intertwined in speech and poetry on the song “Playing Possum”. For such a short album, Earl packs so much emotion into these songs, and admirably so, as this album manages to be so heart-wrenchingly sad but also bittersweet at the same time. It’s not exactly going to brighten your day, but it’s an album whose introspectiveness allows a window into Earl’s current psyche, making for an incredibly compelling character portrait, all in less than half an hour.

- Braeden

Veteran - JPEGMAFIA

The fifth full-length project from Baltimore’s JPEGMAFIA - a single rapper/producer, yes, not a mafia - is strikingly gritty, witty and definitely not shitty. Veteran sounds like a collection of angered thoughts and an ultimate release of energy in an America that JPEGMAFIA isn’t all that impressed with. Targeting white supremacists, the alt-right and Morrissey of The Smiths, “Peggy” uses an array of grinding electric beats, niche O.D.B. samples and a self-produced collection of noises that beautifully compliment the abrasive narrative that is conveyed violently and melodically on this 48-minute rollercoaster. JPEGMAFIA has always been unapologetically targeting specific individuals with his music, songs like Libtard Anthem, Whole Foods and Curb-Stomp may shock younger viewers, caution! The humour in “Peggy’s” delivery and content is felt in songs like Macauley Culkin, My Thoughts on Neogaf Dying and Panic Emoji, reminding us that he is never taking himself seriously enough to appeal to the pseudo-woke rap population, while thoroughly embracing the old and the new’s of hip-hop in a fantastic compilation of songs.

Wide Awake - Parquet Courts

Parquet Courts are a New York-based, art-punk band with a consistently energetic take on everyday subjects and notions of feeling unsure about oneself. On their sixth studio album, Wide Awake!, the sound is an evolved yet familiar one from the group, while the narrative content has both grown and narrowed its scope on a collection of pressing topics for the modern American. Describing the new social divide that the western world is building for itself and comparing it to Total Football, Normalization and Tenderness, Andrew Savage takes the lead on the album’s vocals, in lieu of the past records’ alternating co-lead vocals with Andrew Brown. Where this facet of Parquet Courts’ exchange in dialogue has become a memorable trait in the rest of their discography, Wide Awake acts as one extended plea for change and a sense of revelation in songs like Before the Water Gets Too High, Death Will Bring Change and Extinction. Despite the pessimism in the lyrical content and song titles themselves, Wide Awake maintains an aura of hope, prosperity, and fuel for a fire that invites acts of revolution from the people.  

Kids See Ghosts - KIDS SEE GHOSTS

The long-awaited collaboration between Kid Cudi and Kanye West was well worth the wait, making use of the best of the duo’s musical styles in a modern and unprecedented way. With Kanye’s regular production team behind the scenes, this piece of Kanye’s six-album puzzle of 2018 was intricately built to flow from a range of different emotions that were either felt exclusively or shared by the two established hip-hop powerhouses. Following a string of experimental and sonically challenging albums in the preceding half-decade, both Kanye and Cudi managed to compile an uninterrupted stream of triumphant motifs and dance-inducing ballads that resonate with the ever-changing landscape of hip-hop music and its newly divided culture. The exchange between some of West’s strongest and most vulnerable lyrics are chilling in synchronous harmony with Cudi’s swaying hums on songs like Reborn and the eponymous Kids See Ghosts. Memorable to say the least, KIDS SEE GHOSTS shows no pause in the strides of some of the past decade’s most thorough musicians.

Year of The Snitch - Death Grips

If you didn’t like Death Grips in the past, your opinion may not change at all. If you like Death Grips, you’ll love their sixth studio album, Year Of The Snitch. Packed with a full-size punch of industrial hip-hop breaks and hard-rock-influenced live instrument progressions, this album is nothing short of a masterpiece in its personality, raw-ness and dedication to a new and refreshing sound. Following a spree of idiosyncratically absurd promotions through their Facebook, Instagram and Twitter accounts, the opening track “Death Grips is Online” breaks the fourth wall between their mysterious roll-outs and the cult-ish fanbase that marvels at every breath they take on the internet. The Sacramento trio announced that they would be working with Andrew Adamson (Director of Shrek), Justin Chancellor (Bassist for TOOL) and Lucas Abela (an artist that cuts his lips with glass) on the album with little bits of promo scattered on their social media accounts including a spoof of “It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia's” opening credits to announce the album name. Chancellor’s bass lines complement and enhance the driving rhythms created by producer Andy Morin and Drummer Zach Hill while Adamson’s spoken vocal recording creates an added mystery to his creative input on the album. Whenever the album builds itself on a riff or motif, it grows to a climax and abruptly tosses listeners back and forth with confusing and abrasive transitions, further developing this overall sense of disgust and crude emotions. This theme is sprinkled most predominantly on songs like The Fear, Shitshow and Black Paint, where a feeling of discomfort is a lasting impression for the unprepared listener. Even where an opportunity existed to have two songs flow seamlessly together, Dilemma is followed by Little Richard instead of The Fear, which sums up the album to a t. In sequence, this album tells a story that is both captivating and mysterious in a challenging and jarring manner.

Your Dog - Rose Droll

Rose Droll’s debut full length made its way into my musical scope out of nowhere, and I could not be happier to have stumbled upon it. Multi-instrumentalist and singer-songwriter Ellen Bert ventures deep within what feels like one drained state of mind following a period of trauma in mentally abusive relationship in an earnest, gripping and thoughtful way. Comparing herself to the dog of her former partner, a Fat Duck and -not- a Happy Kitten, the San Francisco native paints a powerful image of the emotional discomfort that can be felt from an imbalance in energy from one partner to the other with mournfully catchy riffs and melodies, bouncing between a driving DIY indie sound to a singer-songwriter ballad matching the sentiment of each song and resulting in a harmonious and meticulously structured thought. The spoken lyrics in songs like Hush and Boy Bruise beg listeners to follow along and decipher, and within them is a rewarding, exciting and captivating message every stanza of the album.

-Calum

[artificialqueens]

City of Stars Ch.10 (Pearlet) - Leatwerpenn

A/N: Hey everyone, I think this may be my last post before I head off to Japan. I’ll be gone for two weeks but at least ill (hopefully) finish this on the plane! Sidenote, if you missed chapters you can find the masterpost HERE. Sidenote 2, I may or may not be working on a prequel to ‘Be a Burrito With Me’ TW for some minor homophobia.

Chapter 10

(2011) 5 Years Before. LA. Summer. Jason beamed, as he handed in his letter of resignation to the coffee shop. The manager looked annoyed, but she smiled politely and wished him the best of luck for the future. This had happened a week ago and it he was currently working his final shift at the shop. Jason felt nostalgic, as he greeted the people who would become his last ever patrons. Unless everything goes to shit and I’m so poor I have to beg for my job back. He greeted everyone with the same pleasant smile. It was nearing the end of the shift when he noticed a cloud of blonde and red lipstick standing in front of him. “Hello Jason, can I have my usual please?” Courtney beamed at him. He found it funny that Courtney had seemed to warm to him recently. She was working on a new movie on the lot and he saw her almost every day. He felt guilty that he had misjudged her. “Of course, coming right up.” He went to make her order while making idle chit-chat about what she was filming. Jason interjected when she mentioned filming some cool scenes the following week and inviting him to come and watch her. “Actually Courtney, it’s my last day today.” Jason beamed. She smiled back. “Oh my goodness! Good for you! What are you going to be doing with yourself then?” Jason handed her order over and she sipped on her coffee. “How will I cope without your magical coffee?” “It’s not magical, and my boyfriend actually just got a big pay rise so he insisted that I stop working here to focus on my own career. I’m hoping I can audition for more acting roles and… other stuff I guess.” Jason was unsure to mention anything about Violet. “Oh, that’s great honey! Good for you. He is a very lucky man.” She exclaimed. “I think I’m lucky to have found him to be honest. We both kind of found each other when we most needed it. Super corny I know, but it’s true.” He was extremely proud of Matt and what he had achieved with the band in only a month. He loved gushing about his boyfriend to anyone who would listen. “That’s lovely. I went through a break up a few months back, but it was for the best. I’m dating someone else now… kind of. Well I was kind of seeing that person while I was with my ex. I know… I’m a terrible human being. It’s complicated. As I’m sure you can imagine.” Jason wasn’t sure as to why it was complicated, apart from the cheating. But he just nodded and smiled. “I probably shouldn’t have told you that, but I feel like I can trust you.” She looked unsure as she confessed her sins to Jason. “It’s okay, I would never say anything. I’ll be honest, I was always curious, but you always attended events alone and I just assumed you were single.” Jason explained. “Yeah, I’m quite private when it comes to my personal life. I try to keep my relationships and family out of the spotlight. It’s a challenge, but I feel more valued because of it I guess.” She disclosed, sounding slightly sad as spoke about her personal life. I guess we all have our demons. “Well, I had better go. And as it is your last day, here is a nice big tip. Perhaps treat that boyfriend of yours.” Courtney winked as she left the coffee shop. Waving to Jason one last time before she left. Jason smiled his way through the rest of his final shift. Thank you Courtney Act, for being the lovely human being I always imagined you were. _______________________________________ One of the oddest things that Matt had experienced so far in his life, was hearing his piano tune being played back at him back when he saw Violet the first time. Although, this was his tune, he wasn’t convinced it was even him playing on that Spotify playlist. He was still haunted by the weird sensation in his body that he felt hearing music that he had always called his own. Not coming from himself, live and in the moment. But this moment, right now, was the weirdest experience of his life to date. As he laid casually back on the sofa in the recording studio. Listening to an album, that was playing his melodies back to him. Holy Fuck. Raja looked pensive as he sat at the table with the producers. They stopped the tracks every so often to make notes and discuss ideas. Matt found the entire experience extremely strange. He felt like an outsider looking in on others. Other band members were scattered around the room, some talking to one other, some not. Matt didn’t really feel like mixing with the other members. They all seemed to keep to themselves. To be honest, he got the impression that Raja had just cherry picked who he thought would complement his vision and sound the most.  Matt’s heart wasn’t in the music and he hadn’t even left to tour yet. And I still haven’t told Jason how long I’ll be gone. He drummed his fingers on the couch as he listened to the tempo pick up. Electronic influences invaded the wonderful sound of the trumpet and drums blending together, and he couldn’t help but cringe. “Hey, I saw that.” The red haired drummer sat down next to Matt and smirked at him from the side. He panicked. Fuck, did I offend him? “Saw what?” Matt tried. Reaching down to the floor grabbing his bottle of water and taking a swig. “The grimace on your face. I feel your pain buddy. I love Jazz music. I just want to play drums and be happy. But I’m not convinced by the sound. Unfortunately though, Raja is really fucking good and what really pains me, is that I know that this shit is going to sell.” The man had a conflicted look in his eye as he swept his long, shaggy, red hair behind his ears. “I totally agree. I’m Matt by the way. Keys.” He held his hand out politely for the man to shake. “I’m Jerick, but I prefer to go by Jinkx.” He took Matt’s hand and shook firmly. The two sat next to one another for the next two hours while they listened to the album. Both cringing at the same moments in the track, at the exact same time. At least Matt had made one friend in the band. _______________________________________ Saturday night was still Matt’s night to hang out with his friends. Only now, he dragged Jason along with him. Much to Jason’s anti-social delight. “Matt, can we not stay too late? I have so much to do tomorrow before that theatre visit on Monday morning.” Jason pleaded with his eyes. Matt just smirked and rolled his eyes at his bratty nature. “Sure Pumpkin, anything for you.” He replied, kissing the top of Jason’s hand and dragged him into Charlie’s. Tonight was a small gathering of friends to celebrate Matt’s position in the band. He had invited his usual crowd of Willam, Sang, Scarlet and Jake; but he was also expecting Charlie and Dela to join them at some point in the evening, when the place was a little quieter. Matt had to quit working at Charlie’s, as he couldn’t find the time, or energy to play there anymore. He regretted this slightly, as he really enjoyed being able to get lost in his own music without being told how to play. He missed that feeling a lot. Jason sat nervously tapping his foot on the ground, biting his nails down to stubs. Matt assumed he was nervous as Charlie and Dela had never seen Jason before, they had only ever encountered Violet. “Stop jiggling, you’re making me sea sick!” Jake nagged from across the table. Matt laid his palm flatly on Jason’s leg and massaged the spot to relax him.  “I can’t believe you two are both moving on up in the world! Thank god! I was about to strangle Matt if he didn’t get his shit together soon!” Willam exclaimed. “And it’s all thanks to you Jason, so cheers Bitch!” He nudged Jason on the shoulder making him blush slightly. He still found Matt’s friends to be quite overbearing. Willam was something else, and Scarlet was always still trying, unsuccessfully, to get into Matt’s pants. Doesn’t she realise how desperate she looks? – mused Jason. He glanced at Matt’s other two friends, Sang and Jake, who were again completely different to Matt and himself. Jake was very mouthy and extremely handsome, but had his heart in the right place. Whereas Sang, was incredibly quiet and a little shy. Jason loved everything about Sang though, he was so down to earth. He also found that Sang was the person whom he conversed with the most out of Matt’s small group of friends. “Okay, this round is on me.” Jason announced as he stood up and walked over to the bar. He was hoping a drink would calm his nerves. _______________________________________ “Okay guys, I need your help.” Matt quickly whispered to his friends once Jason was out of earshot. “I still haven’t told him that I’ll be touring for 4 months. How so I tell him?” His tone was bordering on begging. “You say ‘I’m going to be on tour for 4 months.’ You idiot.” Jake snapped back sassily. “Dude, not helpful.” Matt stated. “God, I feel like such an asshole.” He sighed, as put his head in his hands. Sang moved to sit in Jason’s seat next to Matt, in an attempt to show some support. “He will understand Matt. It’s fine. Just tell him over dinner or something. It’ll be okay. He adores you, trust me.” He nudged Matt’s shoulder with his own, hoping he had re-assured his friend. I really hope he forgives me for keeping this from him. Matt could feel his heart grow warmer as Jason’s presence grew closer. He glanced up to meet Jason’s golden chocolate eyes with his own blue ones. Matt half-smiled as he looked at Jason with concern. Jason sat next to Matt and handed him his drink. He wrapped an arm around Jason and pulled him close. “I love you.” He whispered into his ear, kissing the side of Jason’s face. “You more.” Jason replied tenderly, turning Matt’s face and planting a soft kiss on his lips. Both boys were lost in each other’s gazes when they heard someone clear their throat opposite them.  Oh shit. Jason thought He gripped Matt’s knee tightly as he studied the expressions on Charlie’s and Dela’s faces. I can’t read them. “Who knew you were such an attractive guy as well Violet!” Charlie beamed. He instantly felt relieved as he stood to greet the couple for the first time as Jason. Nobody had called him Violet while he was Jason before, and it made him feel slightly nervous. Jason offered his hand timidly. “Jason Dardo” He stated with a slight shake to his voice, and Charlie took his hand and shook it smiling. He then moved to stand in front of Dela and she encompassed him in a warm hug. “Oh my god you two are so gorgeous together!” She gushed, making Jason blush. He then returned to sitting next to Matt as the group chatted feverishly for hours. _______________________________________ “Fuck yes, Matt! Harder!” Jason bellowed as Matt pounded into him from behind. Jason came violently moaning Matt’s name and he followed seconds after. Jason laid back in the bed, wrapping the blankets around him while Matt made his way to the bathroom. Jason waited a while, alone in the bed. He couldn’t hear any noise coming from the bathroom. Matt never left me alone after sex. This is weird. A crippling fear suddenly engulfed Jason, leading him to believe that he had been left alone. He wrapped the blanket around his shoulders and made his way to the bathroom. The bathroom door was ajar, but he still couldn’t hear any sounds coming from the bathroom. He stood for a while, scared of what he might see on the other side. Jason heard a faint whimper so he immediately lurched at the door, pushing it open. The door hit the wall and made a loud thud, making Matt jump as he looked up to meet Jason’s concerned face. Matt’s tear stroked face with red puffy eyes was enough to tell Jason that this was bad, and all he could see, was darkness. (1992) 19 Years Before. Atlanta. Summer. Jason sat on the floor of the big sunroom, playing with the toys laid out in front of him. It was getting darker outside. He was feeling colder. “Mumma.” Jason shouted. He repeated this until he felt tears start to prick at his eyes. He laid his palms flat on the ground and pushed himself up, his knee’s wobbling slightly under him. He started to move. He bumped into a few things on the way. He saw that the door to the room that held all of the sounds was closed.  “Mumma.” He tried again. He pushed the door with all of his weight and he stumbled through. Jason fell back on to his bum and let out a small whimper. He peeked up to see his beautiful mother, sat on the piano stall with her hands in her hair. Her shoulders were shaking as her regularly perfect styled hair fell in disarray over her face. “Mumma” He tried again. Only this time, she raised her eyes to meet her beautiful sons chocolate orbs. Jason frowned as he noticed her immaculate, porcelain face was red and puffy.

Jason had never seen his mother look this sad before, and all he could see, was darkness. (2011)  LA. Summer. “Matt.” Jason breathed, as he rushed forward, letting the blanket drop from his shoulders. He crouched in front of him and took his face between his hands. “Talk to me.” Jason begged. “I’m such an asshole.” Matt sobbed as Jason stroked his tears away. Silencing him with a kiss. “No you aren’t. Talk to me.” Jason stared intently into Matt’s bright blue eyes. He could feel the shiver stirring in his heart. Is this fear? “I’m leaving.” He confessed suddenly. Jason’s face paled. “I mean. God, this had been eating away at me since I signed the contract, and I never told you because I didn’t want you worry. But, what I mean is, that I’m going on tour and its only 3 or 4 months. But I might be away during your opening of your show and fuck… This couldn’t be worse timing, and I am so, so sorry and…” Jason cut off Matt’s confession with a fierce kiss. He felt his teeth hit Matt’s slightly at the sudden contact but he didn’t care. He pulled the back of Matt’s neck with force, wanting him to be as close as he possibly could. Jason broke the kiss and rested his forehead against Matt’s, breathing heavily. “When do you leave?” He asked, trying not to let the pain he was feeling show. “In three days.” Matt breathed. “Well, we had better make the most of it…” Jason stated. He smiled at Matt and placed a tender kiss on his forehead. “… And I am so, so proud of you.” Jason let Matt’s head fall to his shoulder while he played with the small hairs at the back of his head. Matt felt the warmth return to his heart, as the worry seemed to melt away, and all he could see, were stars. (1992) 19 Years Before. New York. Summer. “Why are you shouting at him? He didn’t do anything wrong you maniac!”  Matt sat cross legged on the top of the toilet. His head in his hands. Crying his eyes out. He was trying to calm his breathing, as he heard his parents arguing in the bedroom next door. “He is a baby. He needs to stop being such a sissy and act like my son should act! My son would not cry when his father shouted at him for leaving his fucking toys on the floor.” He heard the door slam shut and he jumped in terror. Matt put his hands over his ears and cried harder. Please just stop fighting. A loud bang on the bathroom door penetrated his eardrums, making him jump again. He kept his hands over his ears, hoping to drown the sound out. “Open this door Mathew! You need to grow up! You are 6! You don’t cry when I tell you off for something so trivial!” The man hollered through the door. The banging sound continued for some time before he heard the man stomp down the hallway and down the stairs. Matt concentrated on his breathing until he felt calm enough. He moved over to the door, unlocked it, and moved back over to the toilet. Climbing up and sitting on top of it once again, repositioning his head in his hands. The door creaked open and he knew his mother had come to check on him. He glanced up, his eyes met hers. “Matty.” She breathed, pulling him into a hug. She tucked his small legs around her mid-section while picking him up. Matt rested his head on his mother’s shoulder. He breathed in her scent and started to relax. Matt felt warm as his mother tucked him into his bed. She laid down next to him and tucked her hand under the side of her face. Staring back at him. “I’m sorry for your Dad Matty, he just… He gets mad sometimes for no reason. Just, tomorrow over breakfast, say you were sorry and then everything will go back to normal. I promise.” He could make out a small smile under the cover of the dark room. He noticed that it didn’t reach her eyes. She looks so sad. “We’ll never be a normal family mum.” Matt spoke gently, for the first time since he stopped crying. His voice a little croaky. “Dad will always shout at me. You will always be sad. And I’ll always just be… stuck in the middle.” Matt bit his lip, feeling like he might have overstepped the line. “Matty, you are my one true love, and you will always have me. And I will always have you. You are the most perfect son and every day that I get to spend with you, is worth it. I know that one day, you will make me so proud, just for being yourself. And on that day, you will remember this moment.” His mother swept his hair behind his ear as she spoke. Her touch felt magical. “Now, I’m going to sleep with my favourite boy tonight, so budge up.” She winked at him and pulled the covers back so she could climb in. She pulled Matt to her chest. He felt at peace listening to her heartbeat as she fell asleep. Matt gazed upwards, and all he could see, were stars. (2011)  LA. Summer. It had been three weeks since Matt started his tour. Jason had never felt more alone. How was I going to survive another 3 odd months of this? Today however, was different. Jason was out meeting with a theatre that was interested in hosting him, for a reasonable price, to showcase his ‘one woman show.’ He was excited, he just wished Matt was there to share his nervousness. He took his phone out and looked down at his lock screen. Staring back at him was a picture that Matt had snapped of himself a couple of nights ago. It was a mirror selfie of him completely naked apart from a pair of aviator sunglasses. The shot cut off at Matt’s midsection but you could see the top of his public hair poking out from the bottom of the picture. He was sporting a slight frown in the picture and wore his trademark smirk. It was although he knew that the photo would drive Jason crazy. Jason unlocked his phone and scrolled through his contacts. Once he located Handsome, he hit the call button. “Hey, its Matt, leave a message.” He sighed at hearing Matt’s voice. “Hey Handsome. I’m just checking in. I’m standing in front of ‘Ru’s Theatre’. You know? That one right near the pier. Well anyway, they actually contacted me, as they heard about my show through the grapevine. Whatever that means. Fuck Matt, I’m nervous. What if they are expecting some woman to show up?” He glanced down at his feet as he spoke. “I hope you are okay? Please try to call after the show tonight, I miss you… Anyway, I had better go. I love you, Dork.” Jason smiled down at the phone once he hung up. I can do this. He turned around to look up at the sign that read ‘Ru’s Theatre’. And all he could see, were stars.

[leighkhoopes]

The first big meme of 2017 has arrived and it's List the Top 10 Albums That Influenced You As A Teenager. This was an almost impossible selection for me, so I gave myself some additional ground rules: these albums all came out when I was an actual teenager (13-19, to be precise) and I promptly wore them out something serious. These are also albums that I continue to listen to and enjoy to this day. I also took the *complete* album into consideration—almost all of these are total listen-throughs for me, even though there may be some other songs and singles that had more of an impact on my impressionable teenage brain. 

 So, here's the list, how old I was when they came out, and some thoughts, in no particular order: 

Sleater-Kinney - One Beat (2002) I was: 17, in between high school and college This was the first SK album I ever bought, and I'm not ashamed to admit that. It was on one of those listening stations at the local music store (RIP ear-x-tacy) and the opener with its urgent drums, spindly guitars and fantastic vocals and harmonies drew me in immediately. Apparently One Beat was their "political" album and that makes sense, but the infectiously jangly "Oh!" remains one of my all-time favorite songs to this day, and though I've listened to the rest of their catalogue, One Beat remains my favorite to this day. 

Christina Aguilera - Stripped (2002) I was: 18, college freshman Fun fact: I was one of those angsty teens who mocked pop music while hiding my secret shame at loving every bubblegum beat and boy band dance jam. When you're a teenager, you have to keep up appearances—I knew I wasn't one of the popular types, so I tried to be a "rock" kid and turned up my nose at what turned out to be some really great songs. My dear Ms. Aguilera changed all of that for me. I had already loved her first singles (You cannot deny "Genie in a Bottle," so don't even try) and her complete ownage of "Lady Marmalade" for the Moulin Rouge soundtrack, so when Stripped came out in all its sexual and bold yet vulnerable and honest glory, I found the soundtrack to the twilight of my teenage years. Everyone knows about "Dirrty," "Beautiful," "Can't Hold Us Down," and "Fighter," but have you heard the soft sensuality of "Lovin' Me for Me"? What about the deep piano soul of "Underappreciated"? This album is packed with both gems and jams, and remains relevant to this very day.

Eve - Scorpion (2001) I was: 16, high school junior I came late to the rap game, since I wasn’t allowed to buy CDs with parental advisory stickers until my senior year of high school, so I've made a lot of progress, but I didn't get the kind of hip-hop education most of my friends have besides what made it onto the radio at the time. This was post-Tupac/Biggie but pre-50 Cent, and the airwaves were mostly dominated by the aforementioned pop and its bad cousin pop-punk. So when Eve's basically flawless "Let Me Blow Ya Mind" featuring Gwen Stefani's damn near perfect hook and what I would learn is a quintessentially Dr. Dre beat dropped, all slinky and sexy and sassy, I was beyond obsessed. The rest of the album is on point, too: "Who's That Girl?" became an anthem for me because I could easily sing back "LEIGH's that girl!" (la la la-la, la la la-la); "Gangsta Bitch" was a sick collab with Trina and Da Brat; and "Got What You Need" is a great call-and-response banger courtesy of Swizz Beats and some other lesser Ruff Ryders rapper who is probably mad that Eve destroyed him on this track and probably in real life as well. 

The Kills - Keep on Your Mean Side (2003) I was: 19, college sophomore Somehow I got this CD for Christmas? I don’t remember how or where I heard about it, but this album for me is the perfect combination of sexy and scuzzy with raw guitars and sparse, swampy beats and endless, unbearable chemistry between VV (Allison Mosshart) and Hotel (Jamie Hince) that continues to this day. Fifteen years, four albums, and multiple side projects (and one very high-profile marriage and divorce) later, and I am one of those fans who firmly stans for them to live happily ever after in musical harmony and continuing rock n’ roll cuteness. They’re just SO PERFECT TOGETHER, OKAY? Anyway, this album is great, and you should listen to it if you haven’t already.

Yeah Yeah Yeahs (2001) I was: 16, soon-to-be high school senior If I had to pick ONE album that was the most influential to me of all of these, it would be Yeah Yeah Yeahs’ seminal self-titled EP. It dropped right before my senior year of high school, when I was finally starting to figure myself out a little bit and realizing that I liked loud music by loud ladies that I could dance to and scream along to, regardless of genre or format. The Strokes, The Hives, The White Stripes, and all their ilk were kicking off a new rock revolution, but there were so few ladies out there making as much noise as I needed them to. Karen O was not a great singer, but the way she whispered and groaned and wailed over the wall of sound that Nick and Brian created with just a guitar and a drumset was revelatory to me, especially after I got to see them live a few years later, smushed up against the stage at the Southgate House and rapt as the speakers pounded in my chest and Karen sprayed beer and spit on all of us, and she leaned down at the beginning of “Our Time” at the end of their set, when I was exhausted and enthralled, put the mic in front my face and together we crooned “To break on through-ooh!” YYYs continued to put out some great music and evolve their sound not-so-greatly in the following years (sorry, y’all, but Mosquito was not good), but nothing seared itself so firmly on my psyche as Karen and me covered in sweat, singing what should have been an anthem for the pre-1990 Millennials: “It’s the year to be hated / so glad that we made it.” If that doesn’t sum up everything everyone’s ever said about those of us born between 1980 and 1999, I don’t know what does.

Daft Punk - Discovery (2001) I was: 16, high school junior If there’s another album I had to name as one of my top all-timers, completely different but still equally influential, it’s Daft Punk’s Discovery. Daft Punk allowed me to embrace my love of dance and electronic music, and built a perfect unifying force among me and my friends, providing that anthem we’d been waiting for with “One More Time,” a song that still fills me with joy every time those first few beats fade in and I can’t help but smile when it drops and that surprisingly, beautifully warm vocoder voice comes in over the spaces between. The rest of the album is literally iconic as well, and really cemented Daft Punk as the arbiters of dance parties for everyone, all-inclusive, delirious and endlessly entertaining and ultimately joyful.

Le Tigre (1999) I was: 15, high school sophomore I’ll admit it: I missed the Riot Grrl movement by several years, so Kathleen Hanna and Le Tigre were a new experience for me. I loved the edge and the anger in her voice, the fuzzy throwback sound and sampling that made it seem like something I could do if I just tried harder and wasn’t so shy and scared to raise a ruckus and my voice. One thing I’ve noticed about so many of these albums and groups is that I really liked stripped-down music with big sounds created by small groups of people: duos and trios make up the bulk of my favorite albums during this era. I got to see them live as well, when JD Sampson joined the lineup and became my introduction to confusingly, distractingly sexy nonbinary people, and it was at the height of the Bush era, in the middle of my college years, and while I didn’t feel the exhilaration of singing with Karen O, I felt the freedom of dancing my ass off and screaming until my lungs my ached, unafraid of who I might bump into with my unruly booty, unafraid of who I might offend with my burgeoning baby feminism. I was sad when they stopped recording and disappointed at their recent lackluster Hillary Clinton track near the end of the election cycle, but I’ve loved the resurgence of The Julie Ruin and the ongoing reinvention and determination Hanna continues to project in the face of so much bullshittery that permeates our world and culture today. 

The Mars Volta - De-Loused in the Comatorium (2003) I was: 19, college sophomore At the Drive-In was another band I missed out on the first time around, but The Mars Volta popped up in my circles of smartass potheads once I started to find my tiny tribe of people in the rural Kentucky college town in which I lived for four years. I’ve always loved a man unafraid to belt out an anthem, and Cedric Bixler-Zavala golden throat soared over Omar Rodruigez-Lopez’s prog-rock symphonies and movements, and it sounded just as good when I was stone cold sober as when I was self-medicating in the name of social acceptance and anxiety avoidance. I will forever associate them with giant spliffs and endless laughter, letting the discordant sounds wash over me and and Cedric’s voice burn through me, as well as making myself a zombie prom queen Halloween costume under a waxing moon after a bad breakup, working some kind of dark magic to transform myself into someone no one would recognize, even if only for a night. There was always a sadness that permeated these songs, something that got lost in their later, more esoteric albums I could never get into, and there was something on this album that made me feel okay with being sad, allowing myself to feel my feelings that I tried to keep hidden for far too long.

Ludacris - Back for the First Time (2000) I was: 16, high school junior Again, the most rap I had ever really listened to before high school was MC Hammer and Will Smith’s squeaky clean radio-rap, so Luda’s debut was a major eye-opener for overly-sheltered white suburban me. "What's Your Fantasy" and "Phat Rabbit" were titillating, sure, but also fantastic rhymes and beats, and "Stick 'Em Up Bitch" and "1st & 10" were darkly hilarious under their gangsta veneers. "Southern Hospitality" brought bravado to what could have just been another Neptunes beat, and throughout it all, Luda's flow was so sick and smooth, so full of wit and wordplay and unashamed sexuality, and I loved to blare it driving through my parents’ neighborhood, even after the speakers in my car blew out and sounded like nothing but surly vibrations as I dawdled on my way home for my 11pm curfew. If I had to come in at what I considered an unfair, oppressive time, I was going to wake up everyone else in the process. Yes, I was a not-so-secret dick when I was a teenager–weren’t we all? Side note: I'm kind of sad Shawnna never made it all that big, and this video is the absolute perfect time capsule of the year 2000.

Peaches - The Teaches of Peaches (2000) I was: 16, high school senior I’ll also admit this: I fucking loved “electroclash.” That amalgamation of punk and dance music was everything to me, the perfect blend of rock guitars and big beats that enmeshed everything teenage me loved about being loud and dancing like everyone was watching and not giving a fuck either way. Peaches was gross and vulgar and rapped about sex with no emotion but pleasure, and she got even dirtier as the years went on, but The Teaches of Peaches was seminal and shocking and just the kind of thing a slightly crazed and endlessly awkward, horny teenage girl needed to hear to start embracing my own weird sexuality and rampaging hormones and confused feelings, instead of keeping them locked away and shameful like I was supposed to. Everyone knows and loves "Fuck the Pain Away," thanks to its cameo appearances in Lost in Translation and the Jackass movies, but "Lovertits" was always my personal favorite from this album. The moment that breakdown takes over is pure brilliance and one of my favorite moments in any song ever. Peaches dancing in front of the mirror in this video is teenage me, always and forever, singing to myself when no one was looking and finally finding away to sing to myself in public, out loud, and not caring who heard me. I'm still working on it, but I think these albums did a lot to push me in the direction I've gone and to get me where I am now as a feminist and a lover of music and dance parties for life.

Honorable Mentions: 

Beck - Midnite Vultures (1999)

No Doubt - Return of Saturn (2000)

Madonna - Ray of Light (1998)

The Strokes - Is This It (2001)

N.E.R.D. - In Search Of... (2001)

[futurelandfillpress]

My Top 33 Songs of 2016

Here are my favorite 33 songs released in 2016 and some anecdotal quips attempting to trick you into giving them a chance. The songs are presented in alphabetical order by artist, because number ones are for toilets. Click play!

Animals As Leaders – The Brain Dance Theoretically instrumental progressive music is right up my alley, but as a whole album this is like trying to read Infinite Jest while also listening to an audiobook of The Three-Body Problem. Point being it’s probably brilliant, but also overwhelming. There are great flourishes and very heavy energetic moments, all interspersed with what sound like Eastern European news show opening themes, far more intricate than what is to follow. The Brain Dance is one of the few songs that I enjoyed all the way through and out of the context of the album gains some genuine emotion.

ANOHNI – Marrow The solo effort from the singer of Antony and the Johnsons which is a band that never really worked for me. In a way this album was a pleasant surprise. Obviously if you don’t like the vocals you won’t like this, the electronic instrumentals on this are by Hudson Mohawke and Oneohtrix Point Never which was what got me to check it out. I think overall the whole album is worth a listen, though I can’t blame anyone for thinking it’s a bit cringy and on the nose. If you enjoy Marrow I suggest trying Why Did You Separate Me from the Earth? which gives you a good range of the sound of the album.

BADBADNOTGOOD - Confessions Pt II (featuring Colin Stetson) & In Your Eyes (feat Charlotte Day Wilson) Not sure how to describe it, perhaps Confessions Pt II is heavy cyclical jazz and In Your Eyes is a soul throwback. From the very first album where BBNG did covers of James Blake electronic/trip hoppy wanderings, I’ve been intrigued. On their third album they almost sounded like a stripped down Tortoise with the track CS60. It’s difficult to explain why they appeal to me, but they continue to use simple materials to produce interesting diverse results. This was also the first time I heard Charlotte Day Wilson, possibly the best vocalist without an album of her own.

case/lang/veirs – Atomic Number Neko Case, K.D. Lang, and Laura Veirs, coming together to make one of my favorite albums of the year and this was the first song I heard and sold me instantly. The album also has great replay value and is something you can put on during a casual dinner with rich friends in your million dollar bungalow by the ocean.

Charlotte Day Wilson – Work She didn’t release a full album, but she did put out a digital EP and collaborated with several other artists, like froyo ma, IGLOOGHOST, and BBNG. This is a fairly simple trip hop track, it basically rests on her voice and melody both of which are superb and invite me to put it on repeat. I will give anything she does a listen.

David Bowie – Girl Loves Me Bowie put out one of my instant favorite albums of the year and then days later died, this song is stuck in my head, because he specifically sings; “ Where the fuck did Monday go?” Monday was the day he died or at least the day I found out he did. It really was a gut punch at the very beginning of the year. I actually wasn’t able to listen to the album for well about a year after that or any of his music. I finally at the very end got my dad the album and then re-listened to it, this song still makes me emotionally compromised. I think it’s that he didn’t put out that sad folk album that many older musicians are expected to produce, he put out an aggressive progressive electronic melodic monster. For those that do enjoy the album, they just put out an EP that has three bonus songs, one of which is maybe heavier than anything on Blackstar.

Devin Townsend – Time Overload (demo) This track appears on the bonus CD of Devin’s album Transcendence, it’s all supposed demos, though his standards are so high that how can you possibly tell. Although the actual album has great tracks on it, this demo stuck out to me as just about the catchiest pop metal track I’ve heard in a long time. There is a kind of almost industrial edge to it, but it’s basically a sing along pop song, that also scares the elderly.

DJ Shadow Feat RunTheJewels – Nobody Speak I’ve heard about RTJ for a while and obviously Killer Mike’s endorsement of Bernie was yet another highlight of the year, but somehow I hadn’t heard their music. This was the first exposure, in this case produced by DJ Shadow in a reworked take of Ol’ Man River by Caterina Valente. The video is glorious and cathartic and the lyrics are pure poetry: “Flame your crew quicker than Trump fucks his youngest” Overall it’s just a fun bouncy rap track.

Flume - Take a Chance (feat. Little Dragon) I’ve made mixes previously of just Little Dragon contributing vocals to other artists. I will give anything Little Dragon does a chance. In this case this is an almost dub stepy electro pop track, it’s a great contrast as she brings the coldness of the instrumental back to melody.

Goblin Cock – Bothered Rob Crow came back with an vengeance in 2016, he dropped a Goblin Cock album plus EP that I have yet to hear and then two Anal Trump releases with 40 songs totaling 3:36min. I just wish I’d gotten the chance to see them live, maybe next year I will be less destitute. They also get the award for the best album title, Necronomidonkeykongimicon. EDIT I totally forgot that Rob Crow also released You’re Doomed. Be Nice. as Rob Crow's Gloomy Place. That bastard is a prolific monster that makes the rest of us look like lazy sods. 

hyphyskazerbox - Not As Punk Rock Electronic wonderment, I really don’t know anything else about the artist here, just that the album is sometimes difficult and sometimes engaging and worth a listen if you like electronic wizardry.

James Blake - I Need A Forest Fire (feat. Bon Iver) I really wanted to like the album, but it just felt unfocused and often too brittle even for me. There were however some very strong highlights. There is a great EP in this album, that’s what I would say. Overgrown was a way more satisfying listening experience overall, so if you’re new to James, I’d start there.

Kaada/Patton – Papillon Mike Patton puts out so much material it’s impossible to listen to all of it, but when I get a chance there is always something worth my time. This collaboration with Kaada produced a track that belongs on a soundtrack if it isn’t already.

Kaytranada - WEIGHT OFF (feat. BADBADNOTGOOD) Yes BBNG is back again, this time in a collaboration with a producer, who also on the same album collaborates with Little Dragon. It’s a short and simple groove with textures, that’s all it is just a catchy bit of analog drum n bass, but it got a whole lotta play in 2016.

M83 – Time Wind (featuring Beck) This song got me looking deeper into Becks catalog, I don’t know how I even came across this song. It’s basically 80’s electro pop, which isn’t a search I’ve ever done.

Maggie Rogers – Alaska I’m guessing I wasn’t the only person that saw her play this track for Pharrell Williams while she was still in music school. I was just as intrigued or perhaps it’s the hope that the next crop of pop artists will be more interesting and not insipid marketing hype.

Melt Yourself Down – Jump the Fire Kushal Gaya’s vocals are mesmerizing, whether it’s in Melt Yourself Down or in Zun Zun Egui, there is an energy that I highly appreciate. Whatever the style and the styles are varied, there is a frenetic force always keeping me interested. There is also a kind of punk sensibility to what they do, if you see a live performance, they basically seem like super energetic street musicians.

Metá Metá - Toque Certeiro Ever since I did a deep dive into the Jorge Ben discography I’ve been coming across more Brazilian musicians that speak to me, even if I don’t understand what they are saying. In this case when I heard this track I realized I already knew the singer Juçara Marçal, having fallen hard for her track Candombe, where she collaborates with Cadu Tenório. Also I’d already heard some of her solo album Encarnado, which has a distinct punky math rocky edge, but without drums, instead other instruments and her voice doing interesting noodly gymnastics. Metá Metá however is a heavier Brazilian jazz fusion band at least on their third album. Mick Jenkins ft. BADBADNOTGOOD – Drowning Yes BBNG is my MVP of the year. They did the music to this eerie song that I can’t listen to without seeing the police kill Eric Garner. I’m not sure if the song is directly referencing that, but that’s what I get from it and on top of that it’s a good song.

Moniker – Ricky Runs I will find music wherever I can, in this case I saw the movie Hunt for the Wilderpeople in a tiny theater in Montgomery, AL and found my self captivated by the soundtrack. This song reminds me of the post rock band 35007 or at least the drumming does. The movie is also very good, Rhys Darby cosplays about the most convincing bush I’ve ever seen.

Opeth - Will O The Wisp I think Mikael has been listening to lots of Jethro Tull. I’ve tried to enjoy the whole album, but I continue to fail, it’s actually similar in some ways to the James Blake album, in that I think there is a great EP here. I’m sure I will be excited and look out for whatever he does next, but this just didn’t hit me the way I wished, it may just take some time to grow on me as a whole. Also very oddly one of my favorite tracks called The Ward ended up as a bonus track, why Mikael, why?

Oranssi Pazuzu - Vasemman Käden Hierarkia This might be my favorite black metal album in a long time, I’m not sure I can even call it black metal, but unlike others that tread that line it’s not folk either. I would say this album is more progressive and possibly doomy at times. This track is actually the most traditionally black metal, with a really sexy repeating riff grooving along. As a bonus it comes back near the end slower and heavier and it’s highly satisfying, like taking a journey. Just in general it’s less trebly and more crushing in a warm bassy way.

Radiohead - Burn The Witch Well the bastards did it again, put out an excellent album, and this one is very approachable while still pushing sound combinations and bringing it all together in a satisfying way. This album also feels more organic than some recent things they have been playing with.

Reza Safinia - The Train Another soundtrack song, this one from a movie called The Trust about a caper of sorts, bonus being that Nic Cage screams in Frodos face. Actually a good soundtrack, that isn’t just a variation on John Williams or Harry Gregson-Williams or Hans Zimmer or whoever we’re supposed to pretend is oh so very good.

Run The Jewels - A Report To The Shareholders : Kill Your Masters Just before the year ended RTJ pushed out their third album and it’s a monster. The second half starting at Don't Get Captured really takes off into some political and deeper thoughts that speak to me. This particular track ends the album and really it’s two tracks, oh and then at the very end Zack shows up and brings the anger. I highly appreciate the sentiments and I’m glad there is a band with this much exposure that is stepping into these subjects.

Swans - When Will I Return? I didn’t even hear the rest of the album, but I have a feeling this was probably the most upbeat, poppy of the lot. I will get to it eventually, but for now this enough to remind me of that mood that SGM & Art Bears would deliver.

Sylvan Esso – Radio They were on the radar already, I’d heard some tracks from their eponymous album. There was an interesting track called Dress that stuck with me, possibly because it reminded me a bit of Harriet Ohlsson of Oh, Harry And Hellsongs. Anyhow the point is that Radio is another example of what Pop music could be if only there were some discerning brave purveyors of popular consumable media.

Tor – Myth Pretty sure the intro guitar bit is taken from the Motorcycle Diaries soundtrack. It’s just chill relaxing groovy stuff that will no doubt end up on Coffee Shop Grooves Vol 34. I’m not trying to dismiss it, I dig music that isn’t assaulting me at every turn just as much as I like music that challenges me. This fits neatly somewhere with Bonobo or Tycho.

Tortoise - Shake Hands With Danger Another case of me thinking it would be a brilliant album, but it kind of didn’t materialize. Again this may be me not getting it at the moment, maybe five years from now I will love it. Until then though, there are some strong stand out tracks, this one being probably my favorite just for how unrelenting and heavy the beat is. Having seen them live and knowing just how heavy they are, this would no doubt punch a hole in my chest. Other tracks on this album that tickled my fancy Gesceap and Ox Duke.

A Tribe Called Quest - The Space Program An enjoyable track and album, like RTJ highly respected musicians speaking up and addressing things that somehow sound less authentic coming from Makelmore.

Tycho – Division Possibly the heaviest Tycho song, which should give you an idea of how not heavy the band generally tends to be. I’ve liked them for a while, their songs have this spacey driving quality, make me feel like driving through the Arizona canyons.

Woods - Can't See At All They get the award for having the worst album cover of the year. I also don’t think I could handle a whole album worth of his voice, but this track has a nice retro groove.