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theotherackerman · 3 years ago

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My Mind Turns Your Life Into Folklore

NOTES:

Saturday, January 23rd

chapter twenty-six: when the butterflies turned to dust that covered my whole room

There was a problem with medication. Once one took it, people seemed to get the idea that one was cured. All those feelings one had earlier were simply gone. Disappeared into some sort of blackhole.

But they weren’t.

The medication stabilized, it made it easier to deal with.

This was the problem that Eren Jaeger was wrestling with today.

Grisha’s birthday creeped near.

It started Friday afternoon and continued into Saturday.

Eren couldn’t tell you why but suddenly he could hear Grisha’s voice in his head. Telling him the music wasn’t good enough. The music would never be good enough. Nothing Eren ever did was good enough. He would never be good enough for anyone. For Mikasa. For Armin. For Zeke. He didn't deserve any of it.

The same things Grisha would say when he was alive.

It didn’t take long for Zeke to notice the change in Eren’s mood.

“Eren,” Zeke said as he sat down on the couch next to his brother. “How are you?”

“I’m not good. Dad’s birthday is coming….I know it’s stupid….I’ve been thinking of him a lot,” Eren muttered before he looked down.

“It is not stupid, Eren. Is there anything I can do to help?” Zeke’s hand rested on Eren’s shoulder.

“I don’t know. I just...I’m going to go upstairs,”Eren said before he stood.

“Well, if you need anything…”

“I know. Thanks, Zeke.”

-------

Zeke Jaeger didn't drink that much.

For obvious reasons.

Much like his brother, it took far too many drinks to make him drunk.

But right now, he would give his left arm not to be sober.

Eren was breaking down as Grisha's birthday came closer.

Pieck was wrecked over Jean.

Niccolo was feuding with Sasha.

Reiner's aunt was in the hospital, dying.

The only sane ones were Marcel, Porco, and Bertolt who were far too wrapped up in a mix of school and work to do anything else.

This was insanity. It was the literal definition. Doing the same thing over and over expecting different results.

Zeke pulled out her phone and clicked on the contact.

"How do you do it?" Zeke asked.

"Are we friends now or something?" Levi's voice rang in Zeke's ear. "Because I thought you were somebody I paid hourly to listen to my bullshit "

"Okay, fine. Whatever. I am at the end of my rope here and you are the only semi sane person I know. I have two broken hearted people, another kid was a dying aunt, and my brother is going through a mental health crisis because of our piece of shit father's birthday is coming! So a little friendship and compassion would be nice!"

Levi laughed.

He laughed.

Zeke wanted to commit murder.

"Hmm...seems like your kids are as bad as the ones here."

"They are not my ki…."

"I'm sorry, what was that?"

"Alright, Captain. I see what you did. But what do you do? I cannot deal with this level of heartbreak from all of them."

"Nothing. You do nothing. You listen, you let them cry. You hope they get through it. They're all past needing us to fight their battles. I see the guilt you have for Eren. Not getting him away from Grisha soon enough, saving him. But you've got to let that go. You can't save everyone. And you're there for them. That's what counts. Besides, you and I have bigger things to disassemble."

"I believe I gave you that advice."

"Learn to practice what you preach, doc. Also get more fucking friends. You think Eren wants Mikasa over there sooner? Would that help or make it worse?"

Zeke sighed. He thought about it.

Eren had improved since having Armin and Mikasa back into his life. That improvement was directly from their influence.

"If she does not have other plans, it could not hurt."

"How's he holding up?"

"Well, he has not injured himself or drank. So that is an improvement from last year."

"He injured himself?"

"Not on purpose. He slipped and fell. He hurt his arm. It looked very strange for a bit there."

"I'll tell Mikasa you called because Eren isn't doing well."

"Thank you. I just have to work and I worry while I am gone."

"Whatever. I'm hanging up now."

--------------

Stay stable.

Don't relapse.

Easier said than done when it came to the struggle with his bipolar.

Eren was walking a fine line recently. One between his sanity and his past.

The past was harder to deal with than Eren thought.

His phone rang.

It was Mikasa.

"Hey," he said after he answered the call.

"Hi. Zeke called Levi. He said you weren't doing very well."

"Yeah. It's not a big deal though. It's just...my dad's birthday."

"Do you want me there?"

"More than anything. I mean you don't have to be here but I wish you were. Besides, it's getting late. I don't want you driving in th dark. I know how much you hate it."

"It's okay. I can come."

"No, don't. Tomorrow. Come tomorrow."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes. Just...stay on the phone with me, okay?"

"Okay."

"Thanks, Mikasa."

"Anytime. Anything you want to talk about?"

"Hmmm….distract me. Tell me something I don't know about you."

"Eren, you know almost everything about me."

"Come on, there has to be something."

"Let me think...oh. When we won battle of the bands, we all went and got tattoos that sort of go together. They're all space themed."

"Oh. That's why you have a moon on your ankle."

"You noticed?"

"Of course, I did."

Eren noticed everything about her. How she laughed and the way her nose crinkled.

"Yeah, so I have a moon, Historia has the sun, Ymir has Saturn. Sasha has a galaxy and Annie has a star," Mikasa explained.

"Why the moon?"

"I don't know. I guess because I've always liked looking up at the moon."

"Hmmm…"

"What about you? Any secrets I don't know?" she teased.

"Oh. I've got a bunch."

"Really?"

"No. I wish. I've told you all mine. No secret tattoos."

"As you said...there has to be something I don't know "

"Uh...well I guess I have always wanted a tattoo especially since you and Armin have them."

"Wait! Armin has a tattoo?" Mikasa exclaimed.

"Oh. I thought you knew. With him dating Annie, I thought she would have told you. He's got birds on his shoulder."

"Huh. I never knew that. What would you get if you could?"

"Well, at first, I wanted birds. Now...I'm not so sure. I guess that's why I haven't got one yet. Maybe something to mark everything I've been through, you know?"

"I do."

Eren and Mikasa talked all through the night about everything. About how Zeke let stray cats come into the house. They talked about writers block and how they both failed at getting rid of it. They talked about what Zeke's house was like in the winter.

They just talked.

Eventually, they both fell asleep on the phone together.

#mmtylif #my writing

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pale-cheezit · 3 years ago

Note

Can you answer every 5th question from your 216-question ask post? Thanks!

Girl you're killin me lol. I'm bored though so thanks for giving me something to do!! I know I'm really late posting this but oh well. Thanks for the ask :)

5) Book/series I reread?

My favorite author is Tana French and I've reread her books a few times. I've reread the book "The Shack" by William P. Young a few times as well. I'm sure there's more that I'm forgetting right now.

10) The word that I use all the time to describe something great?

Probably fuck. As in, "that's fucking great" or "this is fucking awesome" or something like that lol

15) Last song I listened to?

Some new Five Finger Death Punch song that was on the radio

20) Favorite video games?

Probably New Super Mario Bros

25) Actor/actress you trust enough to watch whatever they’re in?

Ooof... I can't think of any off the top of my head. I have some actors that I like that make me go "oh theyre in this movie, it might be good" but I don't think I ever really watch anything just because of a certain actor.

30) Eye color?

Blueish/greenish. Changes colors sometimes depending on what I'm wearing.

35) Am I excited about anything?

Not really.

40) What do I think about most?

I swing wildly between thinking about insignificant nonsense and everything I'm worried/anxious about (my very uncertain future and what to do with myself and mental health shit I'm going through) and I think about my loved ones a lot too!

45) Last film I watched?

The Hunchback of Notre Dame lol

50) How do I destress?

I'm pretty good at pushing things out of my mind when I want to or need to (a blessing and a curse) Also smoke weed. Idk, feels like I'm always stressed about something in the back of my mind.

55) Play any sports?

I don't anymore but I played volleyball for almost 10 years of my life. Good times. I miss those days.

60) Pet peeve?

People that put masks on their kids.

65) What fictional universe would I like to be a part of?

Friskies world from the cat food commercial of course

70) Can I sing?

I think I can sing ok. I'm not amazing but also not horrible.

75) Where do I want to live?

Away from people and traffic!!! I hate how close together the houses are in the suburbs. But I don't want to be so far in the middle of nowhere that I have to drive hours to get groceries. Idk, maybe I wouldn't mind that after awhile, I'd probably get used to it. I just want my own land and to be able to walk out the back door and have my own personal shooting range on my property.

80) Can I drive?

Yeah. Can't drive stick though. I should learn.

85) Favorite genre of music?

Rock

90) Favorite sporty activity?

Uhhh like walking or hiking I guess. Baseball definitely.

95) How tall am I?

5'7"

100) Do I have more girl friends or boy friends?

I have NO friends lol

105) Last person I texted?

My mom

110) Do I like selfies?

Eh sort of. If I'm feeling good about myself, I might take a few but that's rare for me these days. I like to take pictures of much more interesting things instead! Selfies are boring!

115) Favorite number?

8 I guess

120) Am I much of a daredevil?

Depends on the situation and the mood I'm in. I can be. We all got a little daredevil in us if we drink enough lol

125) The Beatles or Elvis?

Elvis

130) Favorite piece of advice?

Hmm....Anything Jordan Peterson says is usually great advice lol. But I guess simple things like be yourself, enjoy the small things in life, never miss a good chance to shut up, others can inspire and support you- but only you can save yourself, assume you know nothing, listen to your elders cause they know a thing or two about life (SOMETIMES)

135) Do I like gossip?

Eh not really. It depends. I know I'm guilty of it because that's all women be doin but you can definitely cross a line with that stuff and some people have issues with that and that shit can be annoying. it's definitely something I try not to do too much because I wouldn't want others to gossip about me behind my back

140) Do I believe people are capable of change?

I'd like to think so. I mean, I think its not ALWAYS the case. There's definitely people that wont or cant change but there's also plenty of people that are willing to put in the work and have changed themselves and their lives.

145) In a film about my life, who would I cast as myself, friends and family?

Bitch nobody could play me or my family better than me or my family

150) What is the best decision I have made in life so far?

I honestly don't know. I thought of a few different things and realized none of them were really decisions I 100% made for myself /: I've had a life so far that's been filled with other people making decisions for me. Kind of one of my problems I gotta work on. I guess I would say choosing to finally leave the shitty relationship I was in but he kind of left me in the end so it wasn't completely my decision. There's probably a bunch of small decisions I've made in the past that turned out great for me that I'm just forgetting right now.

155) Who is the most intelligent person I know?

I used to think my brother was because he was a genius child but then I grew up and realized there's a lot of different ways to be intelligent. I was gonna say Jordan Peterson but I dont actually know him lol. It's a hard question for me because I truly believe people are intelligent in so many different ways and Ive met many people that are smart in some ways but dumb in others. I guess my Dad would make the list if I had to pick someone.

160) What color mostly dominates my wardrobe?

BLUE

165) Do I believe in fate?

I think so. I think we can change our fate though too.

170) One of my favorite quotes?

"those who would give up essential liberty, to purchase a little temporary safety, deserve neither liberty nor safety."- Ben Franklin

"unable are the loved to die, for love is immortality"- Emily Dickinson

I have a TON of favorite quotes, I could take up pages lol. Those are just the ones I thought of off the top of my head.

175) Do I dream?

Yes, every single time I sleep. Even when I take a nap. I'm always dreaming.

180) Do I like shopping?

It depends on my mood and what I'm shopping for. Sometimes I'm in the mood to shop and I have fun with it but other times I'm not feeling it at all. I don't like spending money, it makes me feel guilty.

185) If I could master one skill, what would I choose?

Probably being an excellent shot. As skilled as Annie Oakley- if that's even possible haha

190) If I could time travel, where and when would I want to go?

60s or 70s. Maybe the 20s.

195) Would I ever want to encounter aliens?

Fuck no. Definitely wouldnt be like some sci-fi movie. It'd be fucking terrifying.

200) Dragons or wizards?

Neither. Never been into either of those things. I also never got what the big deal about dragons is

205) Do I like my handwriting?

Yeah I suppose. Its very inconsistent. It goes from messy to neat to somewhere in between all in one page. Just like me lol

210) What is on my bucket list?

Travel. See the world. I dont have anything super specific but I definitely wish I could see all this world has to offer.

215) What is the weirdest talent I have?

I have no idea. I have no talent that I can think of. I'm sure there's gotta be something but I have no clue right now.

#me #asks #questions #about me

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smolblondedirector · 4 years ago

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Just A Little More Time | 5

Annie Davies didn't know what to expect during her 6th year at Hogwarts, the memories of the summer being almost too much to bear. What she didn't expect was finding herself finding trust in Draco Malfoy of all people. Draco is secretive and does everything to push her away, but with his conflicting feelings eating him alive, he finds it harder to every time. As Annie does her best to put her past behind her, she also becomes determined to teach the Slytherin that he is no longer alone.

Pairing: Draco Malfoy x Original Character

Warnings: mentions of abuse, anxiety attacks, mental health issues, trauma, suicidal thoughts, angst, slow burn, eventual smut

A/N: just a little bit of a filler. I promise it picks up from here haha

CHAPTERS: 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5

During class the next day Annie thought about Draco’s intense stare, unable to shake it from her mind. It was the first time she had ever seen such a look come from him; let alone known he could produce it. The curiosity to learn more about Draco was now building inside her. Glancing over at him, she was surprisingly met with his emotionless gaze. Her heart jumped in her chest, quickly looking down at her textbook, pretending to read what Professor Snape was discussing.

Annie innocently glanced up once more, but Draco’s eyes were now on his own textbook. She shook herself from her overwhelming thoughts and forced herself to try and pay attention to the lesson as best as she could.

Draco played with his ring, unable to pay attention no matter how much he tried. An elbow nudged him slightly, Pansy trying to subtly ask him what was wrong, knowing very well he played with his ring when he was feeling anxious and thinking.

He simply shook his head, gesturing to leave it be, not at all in the mood to talk about anything. His eyes travelled back once again to the blonde-headed Gryffindor, remembering all the events that had transpired the day before. He wouldn’t admit how seeing her standing at the edge of the cliff truly shocked him to his core, unable to push the image from his mind. Had he not caught her, would she have jumped? He felt almost partly responsible, the way he acted towards her that day might have had more of a toll on her mind than he had initially thought.

Class was finally dismissed which relieved Draco from his swirling thoughts. He quickly grabbed his things, pushing past everyone to get out of the class as quickly as he could, ignoring the calls of Pansy as he travelled through the corridors.

His mind felt too busy, thought after thought taking over his mind. He pinched the bridge of his nose, feeling a headache growing in the front of his head. He needed to get out of the loud environment, the noise making his senses overload.

He finally made it outside, barely noticing the cold as he marched away from the school, unaware of the fact that he was being followed. He trod through the snow, towards some trees to hide himself from anyone searching for him. He slowly leaned against it, letting out a sigh, hoping the anxiety would leave his body now that he was alone. But to his dismay, he wasn’t.

Draco was quick to draw his wand, pointing it quickly at the person who had followed him. He was met with wide green eyes, startled at his hostility, but she should have expected as much. He lowered his wand slightly, not exactly pleased she had followed, but surprisingly relieved it wasn’t anyone else.

“Sorry. I didn’t mean to startle you,” she said softly.

Draco placed his wand back into his robes, “why did you follow me? I think it’s pretty obvious someone wants to be alone when they walk far from everyone else,” he said flatly, a little annoyed.

“I just-,” she started, “about yesterday-”.

He sighed, not particularly wanting to talk about the events from yesterday, everything still freshly burned into his mind.

“We don’t have to talk about it,” he mumbled, trying to hint he really didn’t want to get into things with her at the moment. More than just yesterday plaguing his mind.

There was an awkward silence that fell between them, both unsure what to say. It was obvious that Draco didn’t want to talk, but Annie was desperate to. He leaned back against the tree, his body feeling exhausted. He didn’t want to admit to himself how much his health had been deteriorating. Even Pansy was beginning to notice, but of course she did, she noticed everything.

The stress of everything was really starting to get to him, every attempt he made failed miserably. With all eyes on him, and winter break slowly creeping up, he was slowly losing grip on his mission. When he went home what would be awaiting him? Draco shuddered at the thought.

“Can I ask you a question?” Annie said in a hushed voice.

“What,” he said deadpan, only looking ahead and not towards her..

“Why are you so different now?”

Her question was so sudden he almost didn’t have time to mask his reaction, really not expecting her to ask something like that. He just stared at her, not sure what she meant, and also just not having an answer for her.

“What is that supposed to me?” He asked blankly.

“You’re a completely different person it seems. You’re so quiet, you aren’t as mean all the time. I’ve never seen you so..sad,” her eyes were looking up at him, a concerned expression taking over her features.

He pursed his lips into a thin line, once again caught off guard by her words. “I don’t understand what you’re getting at,” he said, voice now noticeably irritated.

“Was there something that happened over the summer?” She asked cautiously.

“That would really be none of your fucking business,” he spat, glaring at her with dark eyes.

Annie winced at his words, looking away from his cold stare. She bit her lip, folding her arms against her chest.

“I’m sorry if I pushed too far. It’s just-” she said with her eyes on the snow under her feet.

“You don’t know shit all about me. We’re not friends,” he growled, “I don’t need you following me around everywhere I go. Leave me alone!”

Annie’s eyes were wide from Draco’s outburst, his chest rising up and down, feeling slightly out of breath. He didn’t mean to scream at her, but he couldn’t have people following him. Not when he was trying so hard to make sure no one found out what he was doing. He couldn’t share with anyone the dark deeds he needed to fulfill, he couldn’t put more people in danger. Pushing everyone away was beginning to take its toll, making him feel even more alone than he already had. But he knew it was the only thing he could do.

Now that Annie had begun to show so much interest in him, it did annoy him, but also frightened him just as much. Of course she would never understand why he could never show her that he was, in a way, thankful for her worry for him. But he had to keep up the wall, he needed to keep her out before she was pulled into the darkness he himself did not want to be a part of anymore.

“I’m sorry,” she whispered, eyes still focused solely on the ground.

He frowned, a small pang of guilt in his stomach as he looked at her sad expression. Compartmentalize, he reminded himself again, keeping any emotions from showing on his face, staring blankly at her.

“I’ll leave you be,” she said after a moment of silence, meeting his eyes once again.

“But if you need to talk I’ll listen. It’s obvious you’re trying to hide something but you’re doing a really bad job at it if I’m being honest,” she stated, voice flat. “I’d suggest telling someone what's bothering you so much. If you really can’t bring yourself to do that you should hide it better. Then no one will bother you like this again.”

Draco couldn’t hide the slight shock on his face after listening to her words. Once again caught off guard by how blunt she was being all of a sudden. She stared at him for a moment longer before turning away and walking back towards the castle. His eyes followed her as she walked, noticing how she didn’t look back at him once like he had secretly hoped.

He let her words run through his mind, sighing as he kicked the snow with his boot. Draco rubbed his now red hands together, suddenly feeling the harsh cold hit his body all at once.

“Maybe someday,” he thought, “I could share all my secrets with you.”

#draco x oc #draco malfoy #draco fanfiction #draco fuckingmalfoy #harry potter #hermione granger #ron weasley #neville longbottom #ginny weasley #hogwarts #slytherin #gryffindor #hufflepuff #ravenclaw #year 6 #fanfic #potterhead

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howardschatzphotography · 7 years ago

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"Portraits: Chapter Four, VERACITY"

Blog #218 8/15/17

Colin Firth responded like this when I asked him to not communicate anything for the camera.

Any facial expression results from the contraction or relaxation of the many muscles (43 to be exact) under the skin in the face. This flexing and relaxing of the facial muscles, and the resulting “face” that is made, allows feelings to be expressed. The intricate facial musculature has the potential to project thousand's of feelings, emotional messages. The changes that can occur in one's face can be infinitely subtle yet at the same time inexpressibly powerful. That active contraction or relaxation of any combination of facial musculature results in any one person's desire, conscious or subconscious, to communicate something, an attitude, a feeling, a defense, a message. In the making of a serious portrait, any such effort on the part of the subject to influence the result creates a barrier to truth; a lie is made. When we make facial expressions, we're essentially transmitting a packet of information that can be received, read and interpreted by others. We can produce a myriad of variable messages that provide cues to our overall emotional state, our short-term feelings, about our immediate environment, our mental well-being, our personality and mood, our physical health, our credibility and whether or not we view others as being credible. Often a photographer, with camera and lights at the ready, directs the subject to do something. “Say cheese,” or any one of a thousand possible directions. The subject responds but this response is shaped by the subject’s interpretation of what the photographer meant or by the subject’s determination to project what he wants regardless of the photographer’s direction. In our contemporary world this response is usually a smile or something similar. The photographer wishes to heighten the energy, brighten up the subject and create something entertaining or fun. The result is a fairy tale, a falsehood; it is anything but the truth. For the purpose of most "snaps," that's OK. People want to “look good” or happy or something that may well be far from what they are actually feeling at the time. The photograph becomes the proverbial "spoonful of sugar” or frosting on a cake, or a perfect tuxedo or beautiful gown. But it does not convey anything significant beyond that. It is my opinion that if a portrait is to communicate something real, human, truthful, powerful, compelling, if it is to become an image that draws one in to study, wonder and virtually interact, it needs veracity as well as many other things (e,g, pose, lighting, composition, perspective, etc) that work together in a kind of magical harmony. This entire note regards the making of any portrait for the photographer, for the artist who has something to say, to share with the world. The making of such an image is not for the subject, or anyone else. There is no one else to please with vanity, "looking good," "fits the message" or for any other purpose. I made the images in this Blog for me. How to achieve veracity? How to relieve the subject of any responsibility to look or appear a certain way? How to help the subject let go of his normal defensive manner of interest with the world, to let go of his guard? How to do THAT!?!? One way is to live with the subject for a sufficient amount of time so that he or she is so completely comfortable and trusting that you, the portraitist can become invisible, can be ignored. A number of photographer's have done just that. Sally Mann with her own family, Diane Arbus with her family of unusuals, Annie Liebovitz, early in her career hanging out and traveling with her musician subjects. Short of that, what can a photographer do in the limited time allotted for making a portrait? I will discuss a few things that seem to have worked for me: none works every time but one or another does at least most of the time. A relaxed conversation prior to a photo-shoot helps a lot especially if it is a gentle (not aggressively probing) interview about the subject. The subject might get the idea that I am not about to make them look awful, that I am interested sincerely in learning about them and that I am gentle and easy, not nervous, in a hurry, domineering or unkind. I tell most subjects that I plan to make a lot of photographs and, like a treasure hunt, am looking for something wonderful. I inform them that there are no mistakes…anything goes, it just may work or not and won't matter for the single image selected. I explain that no image matters, that except for one all will be thrown out. They are all "rough drafts." I avoid using the word “no,” as in “no, don’t do that, or turn to the right not the left, or no, not your hand there,” etc. I try to guide gently in a positive way or say something like, "excellent. Let's try this...." I want the subject to be free, not frozen. I sometimes suggest a scenario where the subject is not the center of attention, where they are just one of many in a room and where someone one else is speaking and the subject, just one of many, is just listening. I might explain that what the person is talking about holds their interest, but the subject matter is neither happy or sad, nor difficult to understand, i.e. no facial response is called for. I will ask the subject to either look at the camera as if that is where the person talking is located or look away. There are many scenarios like this that help the subject imagine himself elsewhere, and away from the world of people for whom they need to be “on guard.” I fully realize that with busy and very important people there may be hardly any time to do these things. A president or multimillion dollar athlete might "sit" for a minute and then get up and walk out. It is self-defeating of course not to give the portraitist time to do something wonderful and I find it remarkable that occasionally, some actually have made ample time. When I can manage to guide the subject to let go of every attempt to control and communicate, veracity will permeate the space. Many other things need to work perfectly together, but at least there is a chance of making an original meaningful piece of art. The following are some successes as well as failures.

The Late Morley Safer: A famous journalist, he understood about "listening."

Nancy Pelosi (a photo taken 20 years ago) trusted me to make an image that was not about vanity.

John Stamos; eyes off the camera--in his own place--allows the viewer to wonder about him. It is always worth asking the subject to look away from the camera--you never know what might happen.

John Slattery, as himself, out of his "Mad Men" character.

Amy Poehler; She came to the studio for a Vanity Fair “IN CHARACTER" photo shoot. She was delightful, a dream to work with. When it was time to make her portrait I could not get her to stop "performing." She understood fully about veracity but refused to let me really see......This image was my default. It happens, sometimes. I know it is sweet, pretty and delightful. But I was after truth.

With this prisoner, I couldn’t find a way to get him to shed his attitude which almost certainly comes from his need to survive the life he's living. I have no idea what is under this facial projection, who he really is. He let me know with certainty that he was not someone to be taken lightly. Subjects will often use a gesture, but a gesture is a singular communication. Sometimes there is a minuscule of truth, often not. Gesture (the subject of an upcoming Blog) is NOT veracity.

Another prisoner, determined to pose. Is this the “truth"? Sometimes it’s tough to know, especially when the photo session is short and the circumstances are hard to control.

Whereas for this young prisoner, far less guarded, this portrait seems to bring so many questions and ideas to mind--which is one of the "goals" of attempting to make an image that has veracity.

Homeless, vulnerable---there has been so much living and life that have made this person who he is, clearly shown for the camera.

This homeless couple makes one look, wonder and think, “What have they lived? How do they survive?” I happen to know from the interview that he offered her to strangers in exchange for drug money.

The actor Sean Hayes, shedding his comic persona.

Ricky Gervais, not as we are accustomed to see him.

Mario Cantone, again, out of character; himself.

Michael Cerveris, a transformation brought by asking the subject to look away from the camera and imagine an “out of studio” scenario where he is not the center of attention.

Michael Emerson

Ian McShane: I think each image has veracity, i.e. is "truthful." The difference among them is simply the lighting. There is much to "read" in his wonderful face.

James Remar; not acting -- a lifetime of experience becomes manifest in his face.

Michael Imperioli, leaving his Sopranos persona behind.

Michael McKean, also dropping his usual comedic characters.

Ruben. I will discuss children in another Blog but suffice it to say--- they have not lived much of a life, yet, so, there is only a little to "read” on their faces.

Models do not make their livings by showing a lot of information about their inner lives, so finding any particular truth about them can be rather difficult.

And finally, Melissa Leo, one of the great actresses of our time, allowing me to really see.

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phynxrizng · 6 years ago

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Daily Astrology for 10-4-18

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Astrology of Today – Thursday, October 4, 2018

Oct 2, 2018 by Annie Leave a Comment

October 4, 2018 – click to enlarge

Today’s Moon:

The Moon is in Leo.

The Moon is waning and in its Last Quarter phase.

We are in between the Last Quarter Moon (which happened on the 2nd) and the New Moon (which will occur on October 8th).

Retrogrades/Stations:

Mars is in its post-retrograde shadow until October 8th (Mars was retrograde from June 26th to August 27th).

Venus is in its pre-retrograde shadow and will turn retrograde tomorrow (Venus will be retrograde from October 5th to November 16th).

Current retrogrades: Uranus Rx, Neptune Rx, and Chiron Rx.

**Times are Eastern Daylight Time (EDT).

Daily Horoscopes/Astro Highlights for each Sign:

Aries

Group activities and cooperative efforts can be in focus and especially useful or dynamic now, dear Aries, as your ruler, Mars, currently transiting your social sector, aligns with lovely Venus via a parallel aspect. You can be very relationship-focused, and others are paying you special attention. You’re not content merely to hang out with people at the moment — you’re more inclined to want to be active and get things done with someone in your corner. Energies today enliven your romantic or social connections and can also boost your magnetism. It can be stimulating and rather straightforward to come to a nice you-me balance in your relationships. Desires can feel pressing, but channels for expressing them seem to open up. You are giving off good vibes and relations can be spontaneous, freeing, and positive with friends or a partner. Interchanges are lively.

Taurus

The Moon in your home and family sector all day points to some need for familiarity and comfort, dear Taurus, but the day holds some exciting energy that can prompt you to move into new territory nevertheless. There can be a pleasing focus on putting your affairs into order or for beautifying and organizing your work environment. It’s a good day to connect with others in general, but mainly to make nice with a partner, customers, co-workers, or boss. There can be a method breakthrough that excites you now. You are especially noticed for your dynamism and strength with Venus, your ruler, aligned with Mars in declination. Even though you are emotionally geared to take it easy, the connections you do make can be satisfying now. A fresh attitude can make life easier.

Gemini

Creative efforts can be rewarding, and personal magnetism is strong, dear Gemini, particularly when you are moving away from your routines and embracing new ideas and possibilities. Teaching, authoring, and communications, in general, can be especially dynamic and interesting now. Good energy is with you for work matters as well as playful activities, creative charm, and romantic connections. You seem to get along with everyone right now, from all walks of life, and romantically speaking, you’re in great form. The ability to successfully combine grace and assertion helps you out today. There can be good feelings of support and freedom experienced on creative levels, and your experiences are broad and satisfying. Interesting people and ideas seem to be all around you. The Moon spends the day in your communications zone, stimulating your curiosity and desire for movement and mental stimulation.

Cancer

Pleasing levels of excitement and activity associated with your personal or domestic life figure strongly today, dear Cancer, as Venus aligns with Mars in declination. This is a time for intimate excitement as well, and perhaps some positive movement in your financial affairs. Coming to the right balance between work and play or intimacy and fun seems almost easy! There can be a freeing feeling associated with the release of private or personal problems and more freedoms with family. The Moon spends the day in your solar second house, and this prompts a stronger interest in the structures in your life, and how to stabilize them is your top concern! Ideas you entertain today are both creative and practical, fortunately.

Leo

This can be an exciting day for home life, learning of all kinds, communicating with increased charm and punch, and making stimulating connections, dear Leo. There can be especially lively interactions today. You may be working on your projects with great vigor and passion. Your appeal is strong. Avoid giving in to impulses and desires that come on suddenly, but do treat yourself to some form of reasonable indulgence or extravagance, preferably something that you won’t later regret. You are more able to put plans into motion or to pursue your desires right now. Allowing and exercising more freedom in your relationships is essential now. Consider, too, that as exciting as new projects may seem today, Venus will turn retrograde tomorrow, and you may reconsider things or face some delays in the days to come.

Virgo

Today is excellent for thinking breakthroughs on work projects and methods, dear Virgo, as well as new ideas about money. This can be a very creative and resourceful time when you make the most of what you have. While you can probably make some interesting purchases now, there can be a little impulsiveness or a larger appetite for things, in general, today as Venus and Mars form a parallel aspect. People are drawn to you today, primarily through your communications or ideas — you have that extra oomph! There can be the discovery of new ways to handle things and thrive on the level of health and wellness or in your work. However, you are also quite inclined to withdraw or to require extra rest and time to yourself today with the Moon in the sign just behind yours.

Libra

Personal magnetism is strong today, dear Libra, and your interactions can be animated. You crave harmony, and you’re entirely willing to take real steps to get to a position of mutual benefit, making negotiations potentially very successful now. Your creative needs are stronger than usual as your ruler, Venus, aligns with Mars in declination, and Mars is currently transiting your creative sector. Friendly competition may be part of this – you want to do something special! You might find support in unexpected places, too. In fact, the day is strong for connecting and bonding with others. Try to put others’ expectations behind you so that you can enjoy the pleasing, freeing energy available to you. Helping others can be one such way, as you can feel especially good about responding to others’ needs and wants and doing what you can to support them.

Scorpio

You might arrive at exceptionally creative, dynamic ideas about handling your home or personal life today, dear Scorpio. The day’s energies tend to favor emotions and pleasures over practical activities. As such, it might be wise to allow more time for yourself to get things done. There is good energy for personal and family matters — perhaps a new freedom is afforded you now that feels good. Your personal appeal is wild today – Venus is in your sign and aligns with Mars, your co-ruler, in declination. You can be admired for your dynamism and straightforward approach. The Moon spends the day in your career and goals sector, however, stimulating your ambitions, and while you may not take substantial steps towards your goals, you’re doing some useful thinking about it!

Sagittarius

This can be a fun and animated day in your social or romantic life, dear Sagittarius. Plans excite you or news you’ve been waiting for arrives. Communications can range from pleasant to inspiring. There is charm in your presentation, and personal magnetism, particularly amongst friends and over your networks. You may be taking the lead and succeeding at it. There can be new interests or the reawakening of interests experienced now. There can be a lot going on behind the scenes, in your mind, and under the surface of things. For some, there can be a private meeting or affair, a fun secret, and excitement in your personal life. Watch, however, for desires that seem to come on too quickly, as they may only be masks for what you truly want. Emotionally speaking, you are in no mood to deal with mundane affairs — you need some excitement and freedom of movement.

Capricorn

There can be special interest in, and focus on, money, possessions, valuables, and comfort today, dear Capricorn. You might want to look into ways to increase your income through networking, expanding your audience, or connecting with people far and wide. Venus and Mars form a parallel aspect, sparking your ambitions and creativity. This can create opportunities on practical levels, with money, money-making ideas, business, career projects, and reputation matters. You might find a great buy, but do keep in mind that Venus will turn retrograde tomorrow and some decisions made now may be reconsidered later. You are magnetic, particularly in your work, in a public capacity, and with friends and associates, and some of you may even meet someone special or a romantic interest through your business activities now.

Aquarius

You have a stronger desire for pleasure and excitement today, dear Aquarius, and you can be feeling particularly motivated and creative with your work or goals. You are projecting both strength and warmth, and people are taking note! It’s a beautiful day for magnetic attraction as Mars in your sign is parallel Venus at the top of your solar chart. Starting something with high profile appeal is attractive now, although Venus is about to turn retrograde, and you may want to wait before pushing something forward. Even so, you may be taking the lead or managing in especially charming, successful ways today. The Moon spends the day in your partnership zone, bringing out your need to be with others, but most of all, with a significant someone. One-on-one seems the most appealing and beneficial.

Pisces

Especially creative energy is with you today, dear Pisces, and you may want to allow for some free time and space to benefit from it if this can be arranged! Passions from deep within are stimulated today, and perhaps a strong desire can emerge, possibly even from a dream with Mars in your privacy sector parallel Venus. You are looking for harmony in your relationships, and willing to go to great lengths to achieve it, but you’re not shying away from conflict if it will get you there. You could be looking into the past for benefits, or reviewing the past for ways to improve the future. The day is strong for going after what you desire with increased charm and warmth. You are a little freer with the expression of your feelings, and your sense of humor is appealing.

* Remember to read horoscopes for your Ascendant sign and Sun sign. If you don’t know your Ascendant sign (and you know your birth time), you can look it up here.

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dietcoachesofamerica · 7 years ago

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Then we would all have abs if it had been easy to stay motivated to work outside. Regrettably, the driveway to get out of bed for a morning sweat session is elusive, except for all those infectiously fitness trainers and instructors--or so you thought. They need in a while. We asked four inspiring exercise experts to discuss what motivates them both in and outside of the studio and gym. Their advice could be.

Take a new course

Your favourite instructors are excellent teachers, but they are still students, too. "Just like my clients, I oftentimes need to be told what to do if it comes to my exercise regimen," says Annie Mulgrew, program director at CityRow in New York City. "I will take a class at my studio or another studio with a teacher buddy," she says. "I always feel better then!"

Mulgrew says group fitness is much more than just a workout, but an opportunity to see what other instructors are doing and get new ideas. "We're still consumers of group fitness."

Connected: How to Reduce 10 Inches in 10 Days

Treat yourself every day

to remain on track with a healthful, balanced diet, Mulgrew says she gives into temptation one time every day. "If I allow myself a treat, I am way less likely to overindulge or binge," she says. "One glass of wine is perfect, but a whole bottle? Derailing."

This wise eating plan is the reason many authorities say trendy or restrictive diets just don't work. You end up falling off the wagon completely, increasing your odds of binge eating or craving the food that is self-banned even more.

Pump up the jams

Music can be an incredibly strong mood booster. Actually, research indicates that listening to sad or happy music can actually alter how you perceive the world--strong stuff!

Los Angeles-based personal trainer Astrid Swan harnesses the power of audio to get her ready to undertake the world. "No matter what the situation is--an early wake-up telephone, sprints on the treadmill, or just having a lifetime instant, music brings me back to me," says Swan. Need a fast jolt? She says to turn up the dial "on the quantity and onto your workout." 1 tune that always works for this fitness expert: "Stronger" by Britney Spears.

Give yourself a pep talk

Whether it's a family member's words of encouragement which have stuck with you, or lyrics out of a familiar tune, maintaining a headline, catchphrase or motto useful once you need a boost of assurance or conclusion can work miracles.

For Swan it's simply "Let us go! I've got this." "If I am going to a meeting, or completely dying during a workout session, then I will say it [to myself]," she says. "I say it to my clients, too! 'You've got this. You merely need to think'."

Connected: 22 Ways to Get Happy Now

Strategy a post-workout meal

With a meals in mind for your own post-workout nosh will motivate you to crush your perspiration session. Coach at KORE New York, Erin Bulvanoski, says it will help her really work for that bite. "I enjoy finding a fantastic smoothie shop after class," she says. "It is something that I get excited about." Nevertheless, do not overdo it--for avoiding a binge that was post-workout, remember these tips.

Join with friends

A workout friend holds you liable for your time and effort that you put into your workouts--research proves it. Plus, as you sweat interacting can make exercise more enjoyable.

Bulvanoksi says she enjoys staying connected to and touching base with her favourite clients. "I enjoy inviting my friends to join me in class, too," she says. "The more people I need to appear ahead to see, the more I feel motivated to be at the top of my game."

Exercise being aware

The craft of being in the present time, blocking out all the external daily frustrations that can get in the way is sometimes easier said than done, yet this kind of mindfulness is something Daniela Iannone, personal trainer and instructor at Prime Cycle in Hoboken, New Jersey truly believes in and follows.

"For a lot of people in my course, the 45 minutes they spend with me is the only time during their day which they have to themselves," Iannone says. "I let them give that to themselves and concentrate on the job at hand. Wherever your mind goes, your electricity moves with it."

Connected: A Meditation to Start Your Day Off Happy

Surround yourself with positive people

Mulgrew says spending some time with favorable, hard-working co-workers and friends makes her want to follow their lead. "If I am having a tough day, my staff keeps me focused on the great, and helps me electricity through," she says.

It is wonderful to surround yourself with friends who have similar interests, however, Mulgrew says it's equally as important to be with people that are doing things that you want to do. These actions could become customs for you, too if you see other people living healthfully. "If you have someone helping you to stay consistent, it's a game-changer," says Mulgrew.

Listen to your own body

Your body may be telling you things that you might not want to hear. Mulgrew says that her body wishes to push her. "So I look around at other people at the gym or in course and inform myself if they can do it, so can I."

Other times though, your body might be warning you to stop. "There is nothing wrong with taking a rest, and there is nothing less inspiring than an injury," says Mulgrew. "If my body feels overly fatigued or that I feel discomfort in my joints or muscles, I back off. Staying safe and healthy allows for endurance, and that is really what it's about"

Get in those measures for the afternoon

You signed up for spin course only to realize it was at the place across town. Instead of dreading the sail, make great use of the moment! "Sometimes for motivated for course, I force myself to run, walk, or bike there rather than taking the subway as a means to get my blood flowing and up endorphins," says Bulvanoski.

Studies show that exercising outdoors (or in this instance, taking the scenic route to course) offers bonus benefits like improved disposition and, weather permitting, an extra dose of vitamin D.

Think about what you can accomplish right now

You might get a bigger goal in mind--shedding pounds, training for a marathon--but it's crucial to remember all the baby steps it takes to arrive.

Throughout her high-intensity courses, Bulvanoski asks clients to establish goals for themselves which they aim to finish during the hour-long course, and she sets one for herself, too. "Tangible things to achieve are always a more powerful motivator to be at your best," she says.

Watch yourself

The floor-to-ceiling mirrors enclosing most studios aren't there to torture you. As you are getting the hang of a move that is particularly 18, it's true that you might feel a little awkward, however, looking in the mirror can help perfect your form as time passes.

The mirror helps reveal Bulvanoski just how hard she is working. "Viewing my muscles work is a huge motivator," she says. "The more enjoyable and fitted I can get my workout clothes, the more I can certainly see the goals I am trying to achieve--and look great [while] doing it!"

Drink more matcha

A caffeine jolt before the gym can enhance exercise outcomes. For 3 hours post-exercise athletes that obtained in caffeine pre-exercise burnt about 15% more calories in anInternational Journal of Sport Nutrition and Exercise Metabolismstudy, in comparison to individuals who consumed a placebo. Although you are not much of a coffee drinker but nevertheless need a fast caffeine fix, try a form of tea, matcha. "A matcha green tea latte with almond milk is my go-to," says Swan. "It is my only caffeine ingestion, so I get a surge of energy!"

Connected: 20 Snacks That Burn Fat

The spotlight on matcha has grown brighter recently, also for good reason. Since you are drinking the whole tea leaves (rather than just steeping them) matcha beverages are a stronger supply of nutrients than traditional teas. Matcha is rich in antioxidants that help regulate blood glucose and blood pressure, in addition to can protect against cancer and heart disease.

Scroll through your news feed

"Occasionally I check in on fitness hashtags on Instagram to see what other people are doing," says Iannone. "Seeing bodies in motion and graphics of strength motivates me."

Recall the purpose isn't to compare yourself to others (everyone's health journey and body is different). Instead think about what or who inspires you feel in your self and to get moving, and then follow trainers instructors, or studios . It's not a bad idea to follow your favourite magazines either (cough, @healthmagazine).

Think about how you are going to feel after

"I workout for my sanity, not vanity," says Swan. "Workouts are my therapy. I know if I do not get to release those endorphins, I am not as carefree."

Exercise has long been demonstrated to have lasting mental health benefits well after you finish a workout. Activity (even just a walk round the block) is believed to decrease stress, improve your mood, and improve self-esteem. Those magnificent psychological effects ought to be motivation enough to get you up and outside.

RELATED: 15 Ways Exercise Makes You Look and Feel Younger

Be thankful

It is all too easy to become caught up on your difficulties, frustrations, or endless to-do list, however Iannone finds it useful to back away out of complaints and consider what she needs to be grateful for. She reminds herself along with her clients that they each possess the ability. "Be grateful that you've got two legs that work," she says. "Don't take that for granted."

It is this gratitude that retains Iannone moving ahead every day. "I think about people who can not move, and it puts everything in perspective for me."

Set the disposition

What wakes Iannone up in the daytime? Techno. Admittedly not a morning person, she says she prefers music to pump up her. "Music is fuel for your body," she says. "Feed the excitement and passion to maintain moving forward."

Although the beat gets her moving in the morning, lyrics aid maintain her driveway. In one of Iannone's favourite tunes, "The Fire" by The Roots, she loves the lyrics "I'm the definition of tragedy turned triumph," that she says remind her of overcoming hardship rather than giving up.

Go shopping

They say once you look good, you feel great. Sounds like an excuse to go shopping! And Swan is definitely on board, "I am not going to lie, a new gym outfit gives me inspiration," she says. "Brand new spandex or even a killer sports bra is just like buying the perfect little black dress."

More than just retail therapy, stepping to fun new workout wear could be exactly the boost of self-love you have to have in order to stick to a weight loss goal or rigorous training program. And new research suggests that dressing for a task can actually boost your performance of a job. So hopefully in the event that you dress like a fitness pro, you are going to play like one.

Take a breather

Sundays are typically rest times for Swan, but if you just happen to find her in the gym daily, it's not because she is working out seven days per week. "I give my body a complete day's rest no matter what," she says. "Physically, it's the very best time for your muscles to recover, and it's so important for your muscles to be able to grow, but a complete day's rest is going to rest your brain, too. Permit yourself to decompress."

Schedule remainder days just as you would work outs to avoid overuse injuries and ample time for muscle repair. And remember, physically and a good rest mentally prepares you to bring a game to the next workout.

Connected: 20 Weird Ways Breathing Right Can Enhance Your Life

Change your thoughts

There is not any such thing as a quick-fix solution for your health and fitness objectives, reminds Iannone, plus she think the first step begins inside you. "It is not just about working out," she says. "It is about working within."

The fitness doctrine where she resides and teaches encircles this theory: "Change your mindset to change your lifestyle!" You hear her screaming to a spin studio. "You have to approach life and fitness from a strong, positive, persistent location. Be brave in everything that you do."

Eat Frequently

You despise being hangry just as far as your buddies hate to be about somebody who's irritable out of a rumbling stomach and low blood glucose. Prevent that feeling and be certain that to have by eating throughout the day, the energy required to take on your next workout. The secret is to consider small not full meals.

Swan says she eats every 3 hours, which means she prepares for her day and some other possible flaws the night before. She chops fresh fruit and veggies, and grabs Greek yogurt butter, and raw nuts to devote a milder she chooses in the vehicle.

Set attainable goals

Setting a very lofty, unrealistic, or poor goal is just setting yourself up for failure or exhaustion, says Mulgrew. "If you do not make the progress that you need to see in the short-term, you can say 'oh this does not work, so I just will not do it'," she warns.

The vital thing for her to recall and what she tells clients is that consistency and endurance are more important than a looming right-now goal. "My purpose is to live a healthy lifestyle, and to be an active human," she says. "Resting for a day or going for a stroll, in the long run, does not matter. There is so much space for breaks."

Connected: 13 Weight Loss Resolutions You Shouldn't Make

Catch a pencil

A journal is a place for Iannone to hold her sudden inspirations. "I think of phrases or mantras that pop to my thoughts, and write them down or make a [electronic] poster to talk with my followers online," she says. Feeling unmotivated? Look all of those positive vibes back you wrote.

You might know that food journaling, or recording your food consumption throughout the day can help you lose weight. But did you know thinking down your emotions could have positive results on your mind? Journaling has been demonstrated to help manage stress, reduce stress, by acting to express feelings and enhance your emotions.

Fight boredom

You've probably heard that an instructor inform you that if a move or course does not challenge you, it does not affect you. Are they speaking to the effects but they are also warning you against complacency.

Mix things up to avoid the same old pattern or you will quickly become bored and unmotivated. "If I start to get bored, I know something needs to be corrected," says Iannone. "I take it back into the books, the images, and the audio because that is what works best for me."

Do what you love

Although Iannone stopped formally practicing dance by the time she entered adulthood, that passion for movement and activity is what finally led her to pursue a career in fitness. "It was health-related and kept my cellphone," she says. "I get to see unique people every day and stay proceeding. This job makes me better."

Think about some of your favorite hobbies or activities. If you don't turn that passion it's important to maintain your connection to what gets the best joyful version of you.

This article originally appeared on Health.com.

Read more: http://www.cnn.com/2015/11/13/health/fitness-trainer-tips-stay-motivated-exercise/index.html

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ladylaurette · 7 years ago

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30 goals all women should achieve by age 30 by Love, Haley

30 goals all women should achieve by age 30As you can probably tell from my photograph, I am not quite thirty. In fact, so long as I'm being honest, I am not even a legal adult just yet (I turn 18 in July). I am, however, old enough to know what kind of woman I'd like to be by the prime age of thirty: self-assured, capable, and successful. My hopeful guess is that many other girls my age, and even most twenty-something women, want the same things as me. What follows is a list of basic goals I'm striving to achieve by age 30 - ones I think you should strive for, too. 1. Pay off your student loans. This is probably wishful thinking on my part, but unless you've been in graduate, medical, or law school, or recently gone back for a new degree, thirty seems late to be making those last few payments. Pay your loans off as early as possible so you can avoid nasty interest rates and evade debt later. 2. Think long and hard about marriage - but ignore others' expectations. By thirty, most single women are probably feeling the pressure from family, friends, and society: "When are you going to get married?" "When will I have grandchildren?" But before she answers anyone else's questions, you should know the answer yourself: Do you really want to get married? It might be my inner child of divorced parents talking, but marriage definitely isn't for everyone. Likewise, you are no less "feminist" or "progressive" for wanting a traditional family. There's no better time than your twenties to decide if marriage just isn't your thing, or if you're looking to put a ring on it. 3. Refer to your vagina by name. In other words, boycott the words "down there." At thirty, you are a grown-ass woman. Shyly pointing to your pelvis won't help the doctor figure out what your problem is. Just spit it out already: IT'S A VAGINA! 4. Know what you can and can't wear to work. Here's what I learned while conducting research for my interview in the Governor's Office: corporate careers, like law, government, and finance, generally require suits or pencil skirts with low hemlines and muted colors, while "business casual" allows for cardigans instead of blazers, bare legs (but still no hems above the knee), and brighter colors. Also, as a general rule, never wear anything so short, small, or sparkly your grandma wouldn't approve of it. 5. Understand your skin type. Last summer, when I got my first facial from Ulta, I basically learned that everything I'd thought about my skin was wrong. To which I basically said "Ok, cool." No woman should have to learn that lesson beyond the age of thirty. If you're rounding the bend and still can't manage your skin woes, have your skin mapped by a dermatologist or cosmetologist. Skin mapping gives you a visual of where your skin is oily and dry, and even helps you target the source of your breakouts (mine are hormonal, in case you were wondering). 6. Quit dieting. When I first learned about intuitive eating, I was a 16-year-old girl struggling to overcome a severely damaged relationship with food and some borderline anorexic habits. In case you haven't heard of it, intuitive eating is - quite simply - eating when you're hungry and stopping when you're full. Deciding to combat the cycle of yo-yo dieting - i.e. lose weight, gain it back, rinse, repeat - and to instead trust my body's natural instincts was quite possibly the most important decision I ever made. Yes, I still eat way too much Annie's mac 'n' cheese, and I definitely still binge on ice cream when I'm PMSing (sometimes I even feel guilty about it), but now that no food is "off-limits" to me, I've also learned what it feels like to crave healthy foods like veggie sticks and oatmeal....weird, right? 7. Practice self-care. It's a lesson all women need to learn: taking care of yourself isn't selfish. It makes you a more complete person, because you are able to address your most basically needs that might not be met. For example, are you sleeping enough? Are you drinking enough water? Are you eating three meals a day? Start with these basics before moving on to more complex needs, such as feeling safe, comfortable, important, and loved. 8. See a therapist. I have a friend who - much like Jennifer Aniston and Gwyneth Paltrow - swears that everyone should try therapy, and I have to agree. You don't need to be mentally ill to benefit from therapy. While I haven't been to therapy since childhood, I fully plan on going again before I get married, because I know there are issues related to my parents' divorce that I need to work through before I can have a truly healthy relationship. You don't have to like it once you try it, but you do have to realize that some problems are simply too big for you to solve on your own - and if therapy's too expensive for you, know that there are plenty of free mental health resources that anyone can take advantage of. 9. Learn how and when to say no - and then actually do it. "No" is in every woman's vocabulary - for example, when my conservative friend asks if I'll be voting Republican in the next election. But how often do we say no to our friends, who want to go out drinking for the third time this week when all we want to do is watch Netflix in pajamas? Or to our bosses, who want us to finish four critical projects by the end of next week and still have the nerve to ask if we'd be willing to take on a fifth? We women feel responsible for taking care of everything and everyone; it's our natural, biological instinct to put on everyone else's oxygen mask before tending to our own. But know this: it is not your job to protect everyone else's feelings from being hurt. Once you turn thirty, it's about time you put on your own damn mask first - before it really does become a life or death situation. 10. Find a cause you care about. By thirty, you've finally pushed past the grueling years of school-stipulated community service in high school and college. Thus, in adulthood, volunteering is more rewarding than ever because it is, finally, 100% voluntary. So, take it upon yourself to explore the causes you're passionate about. Once you've found that cause - whether it's lobbying for cruelty-free cosmetics or building houses with Habitat for Humanity - stick with it for a lifetime of fulfillment. 11. Start speaking candidly about sex. The most perfect time to start being honest about your wants and needs during sex is the first time you have it. Nevertheless, being straightforward is difficult for most normal, caring human beings (and if it's not hard for you, then kudos for being more badass but no less loving than the rest of us). After all, you don't want to be needy. You don't want your complaints to interfere with your partner's pleasure. You don't want to "kill the mood" - although suffering through discomfort and even pain just to save a little awkwardness pretty much does the trick in that category. But trust me, sex is better for everyone involved when both people are honest about their feelings. Don't just speak up - don't be afraid to ask your partner how he or she or xe is doing, too. 12. Save for retirement. You are given a 401K for a reason. It's your responsibility to use it. And, in case you were wondering - which I know I have been, considering I'm only 17 - your 401K is a workplace savings plan that allows you to invest part of your paycheck for retirement, without subjecting it to taxes. Also important to know: the recommended savings rate is about 10% of your income, meaning anything above that is stellar. (Another finance lesson I learned today: the difference between subsidized and unsubsidized loans. Who knew, right?!) 13. Take a multivitamin.... Which reminds me, I haven't taken mine yet today. BRB. 14. Accept all compliments without qualifying them. Stop saying "Thanks, but..." whenever someone tells you how pretty or smart you are. You're a gorgeous, badass genius. Please recognize yourself as such. 15. Say "I love you" as often as possible. Simply put, you never know when it might be the last time. Call your parents to say it, and especially your grandparents, if you're lucky enough to have them. 16. Wear less makeup, less often. #iwokeuplikethis shouldn't be specially reserved for celebrities who have paid for thousands of dollars in plastic surgery and skin-care treatments. All women should feel comfortable enough in their own skin not only to post a makeup-free selfie, but also to walk around unencumbered by greasy foundation and clumps of mascara hanging in their eyes in their day-to-day lives. If applying professional-quality makeup every day is your jam, you do you. But don't let society's unreasonable standards make you feel obliged to cake on the blush when you're really not feeling it. 17. Go to the doctor. And the dentist. And the gynecologist. Especially the gyn. The fact that your mom stopped making appointments for you is no excuse to stop going. In general, women need a check-up and a full pelvic exam (that includes a Pap smear) every year, and a dentist appointment every six months. And, on that note, my first visit to the gynecologist is about six years overdue.... 18. Accept your clothing size. Accept that it does not define you, ever. So the size five jeans didn't fit, after all...a word of advice in this situation: "fat" is just a meaningless adjective, not a feeling. Don't try and force them to fit - or worse, starve yourself to squeeze into them. Your size is merely a number that has nothing to do with your self-worth, so don't belittle yourself for going up a size (or over-pride yourself on going down). Your booty will look much better in some comfy size sevens, anyways. 19. Find a workout that doesn't suck. Admittedly, the level of a workout's suckiness is relative. Personally, I hate running, but some people swear it is the be-all end-all and that you haven't truly lived until you've run your first marathon. (Me, on the other hand? I'm more of a "lift weights and kick shit" kind of girl.) However, the important thing isn't how you work out. All that matters is that you do. So, in the wise words of Nike, just do it. 20. Have a will. Where there's a will, there's a way...to provide for your death. Not the most optimistic sentiment, but still important, and still completely necessary - especially if you have already started a family by then. 21. Know how to defend yourself. In my opinion, self-defense classes, along with rape prevention classes, should be mandatory parts of college orientation for both genders. Many colleges do offer the opportunity to take classes like this, and I fully encourage women in particular to take advantage of them. I know I will. But in case you missed your shot in college, know that it is never too late to learn how to defend yourself. At the very least, applying to carry pepper spray - that's right, there's an application now (or in the state of Massachusetts there is) - will offer some extra protection. 22. Vote. Too many elections are swayed not by those who actually vote, but by the vast number of Americans who don't. I've said it once and I'll say it again: you are a grown-ass woman. You can handle watching a debate or two and checking off a box at the polls. Just long as it's not next to the word Trump. 23. Travel alone. Learning to live alone is one of those valuable life lessons learned in college that most adults wouldn't trade for anything. Even more rewarding - or so I hear - is the experience of traveling by oneself. Planning, budgeting, and executing a trip all on your own is a lot of hard work - but it's an important step toward becoming a self-sufficient adult in an unforgiving world. (And, as a sardonic side note, traveling alone as a woman may also be the perfect chance to test out some of your new self-defense skills.) 24. Own a planner - and actually use it. My planner rules my life. The days I forget it at home are days that most people should probably avoid me. While not everyone needs to be as obsessed with their planner as I am, I think every woman would benefit from getting in the habit of writing down assignments (whether at work or school), important appointments, birthdays, etc....especially if it's in a cute Lilly Pulitzer or Kate Spade agenda. 25. Pay attention to the news. Daily. Unless you need to avoid triggering material due to a mental illness like depression, it is absolutely essential to know what's going on in the world at all times. Political affairs can change in the blink of an eye, and you don't want to be the only one at work who doesn't know about the big financial crisis overseas or the latest terrorist attack. I subscribe to theSkimm to get my news in one convenient daily dose. It's delivered straight to my inbox five days a week, it's easy reading, and - best of all - it's completely free. 26. Follow up when networking. I met an amazing professional from the State Street Corporation in Boston at a Girl Scout event this November - and what did I forget to do? The most crucial step of networking of course: I forgot to follow up! (Of course, the irony of the whole situation is that one of the topics of the company's presentation was networking. But that's a story for another time.) By the time I finally got around to building a LinkedIn profile, it seemed awkward for me to try to get in touch. So I still haven't. And now I've learned my lesson. Hopefully you, too, will learn yours before age thirty. 27. Identify your priorities - and edit your life accordingly. "Edit your life" seems like such an obnoxious Hollywood phrase, so I'll explain in layman's terms: if you are twenty-two years old and still taking the piano lessons your parents made you start when you were five, even though you really hate them, my only question to you is: why? 28. Try journaling. I've kept a journal since I was eight years old, and not only has it helped me preserve my memories, but it has also trained me to better write and communicate, and to express my emotions in a safe, constructive way. Knowing that I can reach for my journal whenever I'm sad, mad, or scared is an enormous comfort to me - one that I think every woman should experience by age thirty. 29. Put your phone away when you're with friends. Unfortunately, I come from the generation where "hanging out" means sitting next to friends while scrolling through your individual Pinterest feeds. Fortunately, all it takes to change that is a little bit of will power...good thing I have 12.5 years to master that one! 30. Set reasonable goals. I learned from Girl Scouts that if there's anything all goals should be, it's SMART: in other words, Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Realistic, and Timely. Saying "I will become a U.S. Senator" probably isn't realistic for a twenty-year-old soon-to-be college graduate - but saying "I will apply to intern with my state Senator by the start of second semester" is. That isn't to say we shouldn't dream big - but in the wise words of Drake, who "started at the bottom/now he here," the path to success starts small and gradually grows over time. Nobody learns to run before they learn to walk - except maybe Amy Poehler. She's so fabulous; I'm pretty sure she ran first.

#lovehaley

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vile-allure · 8 years ago

Text

present

so, i was very depressed, cut my wrist down to the artery and had to go get stitches in france and blah blah blah. the program director caroline was very sweet and agreed to let me go back home for a week. wednesday night i purchased tickets to head home friday. friday came around, i got in the uber, the bus, the train,the plane, and then into the prius.. it seemed like only seconds went by when i got back in that car to head to the airport, to take a plane, then a train, followed by a bus and uber. as i arrived back in Aix, hoping out of the uber, i felt nothing. hearing people speak french in the airport just annnoyed me. i walked inside the house, and it didn’t feel like it belonged to me anymore. i dont feel like i am actually here, sitting in this bed listening to the wind rattle the window panes. it does not feel like i was just back home, it feels like it was all a dream. I saw so many familiar and welcoming faces in california. my parents, claudia, lindsay, annie, and the wormhole crew. but it feels like it was a dream. the weirdest part, is that on the plane and train, while i was napping i had very vivid dreams. i had dreams in which i was having a simple conversation with my parents, i felt myself wanting to talk back but i then quickly opened my eyes and realized it wasn’t real. it was all a dream. when i noticed that i felt so confused and lost.the dream felt just as real as the reality of me just being back in california. i close my eyes hard, squeezed them, while on the train, just praying i would open them and be looking out to a beautiful view of mt tam, i reopen them to see the flashing by french countryside. life is moving, and it is not stopping for anybody. itis a frightening feeling.

when i was back in california, i had absolutely no desire to go back to france. when walking around SF i did not miss the beautiful french architecture. it came to mind but it wasn’t a negative nostalgia. it was a faint memory associated with positive things but no desire to relive it. i am here in france but i do not feel like it. i feel like i have moved on and past it. these past 6 months, i have noticed so much. i have grown and matured in so many ways. i have learned about myself and about time and life. i have really learned that you have to live in the moment because it goes by so fast. i have learned to sit close my eyes for a few seconds, take a deep breathe and be present, control my breathe so i know i am here and in the now. I have learned what it is like to be truly and utterly alone and not have the energy to reach out. when i felt like this in california, i had at least my mom on call, and an array of friends, but here it is just me. i remember as soon as i saw blood gushing from my arm all i wanted was my mom, i jjust wanted her to hold me or sit there, or be in the other room playing covet. i just wanted to know she was there. i see this loneliness and can only imagine the pain i will feel when this lonliness is not only separated by distance, but by death itself. I have no idea what i would do if i did not have my parents.

i walk by the kitchen in this french house, and see my father sitting there having coffee and reading a book, i only saw that a few times in comparison to all the other people and actions that have taken place there, but the most comforting thought is that he was once here, his spirit has walked through here and memories were made and it gives it some sentimentality.

i really do not know what i am feeling. i know i am sad, i am extremely aware of it. I am aware of how it feels, how i react to it, how it causes me to act in different ways. I have started to categorize myself as 2 entities. Hillary and not so hillary. Hillary is a happy and sarcastic animal loving goof ball, who just wants to spend time with loved ones, do adventurous things and have a good time. Not so hillary is very contradictory, she is destructive, not only to herself but to people around her, she has no patience and no desire to help anyone, and would like to be alone and wallow in her sorrows. The two hillarys meet, but dont associate with each other. i feel as if there is a switch and sometimes it gets turned. i can go from having a pleasant experience, to have something trigger me and all of a sudden it is the devilish hillary and it is almost impossible for me to stop the transformation. it is like i am hypnotized, and certain words or topic trigger the switch, but i am not able to pin point the triggers.

i am sad, very sad. i am aware of the sadness. i manifest it as a heavy dense raincloud over my head. I want the sun to shine through, i want to be happy, but it is hard to get away from the cloud because it keeps following me. sometimes i wake up and im happy, other times i wake up and would rather just lay in bed eating snacks watching stupid shows trying to keep my mind occupied. I notice it, i recognize the familiar feeling. i feel it, i taste it, i hear it. the sadness is all around me. and i understand that i am the only person who can lift this raincloud but while im under it so drenched in tears it is almost impossible.

in order to feel better, i am going to try to change a few things.

i am going to force myself to go to the gym everyday, i don’t care how tired or sad im feeling. i feel at least a little better knowing im doing something that will at least make me look better.

I will be sure to keep my feelings and personal matters and opinions to myself. close friends and family are obviously an exception but there is no need for others to know my bussiness out of pure petty gossip.

i will read more, at leassssst 10 pages a day. i will also write more, no matter my mood, to try and track my feelings, progress, and maybe be able to identify my triggers.

i will cut out gluten and dairy once again and this time hopefully actually stick to it.

i want my body to be as healthy as possible, because that somehow might change my brain chemistry and equalize my hormones, resulting in more balanced emotions. this health will be reached, as said before, by a new diet, and daily exercise. as well as trying to get out into nature as frequently as possible.

as for my mental health, i will try my hardest to live in the moment and appreciate the now because it only happens once. if i notice something sneaking into my mind about what i will do later, as long as it is not a pressing issue i will put it aside. when at the gym running on the treadmill i will not cut my workout short just because i realized i wanted to search something or need to shower, we all sure as hell know that your fat ass is just going to sit in front of the computer screen and watch netflix. so live in the moment and dont fantasize about unrealistic or unimportant things, live in the damn moment.

you are only young once. ok now this is for future hillary. i know this is really tough right now. you are so lonely. you live alone, you have friends in class but have no real connection with any of them. you have pretty much no desire or energy to socialize. you are insecure and alone in a foreign country with nothing but two stuffed cows to cuddle. i want you, i NEED you to take advantage of this situation. when you feel the lonliness come on, write it down, try and realize what it is that is causing you to feel so lonely, and if there is anything you can do to change that. also, for motivation for the future, when you go back to california for summer you are going to see all you good friends again, who obviously saw you when you were back for week in a very negative headspace and 30 lbs heavier. so use these next few months to better yourself so when you go back, the people who you didn’t see, the people of lesser significance in your life will not see how being alone and abroad caused you so much hardship, but caused you to better yourself as a human being and cause you to come out stronger than ever thought possible. you know for a damn fact that people are more attractive when the are happy, so right now you must look like a gremlin, but that is beside the point. play the part and maybe you will get it. take the steps to be happier, smile more, exercise more, enjoy all mother nature has to offer. spend good times with good people. dont let your insecurities hold you back. if you want to say something, SAY IT, dont let your anxiety hold you back. if you want something, obtain the means to get it. be proactive hillary. no one else will ever be the root of your happiness, you will always somehow be alone. when you close your eyes to go to sleep it is just you with your subconcious, in the bathroom, when you give a presentation. there are so many examples. but basically no one person can take away your sadness and instill a strong foundation and sense of security. not all promises can be kept, due to personal changes, circumstances, or maybe death. people come and go, and if you attach yourself a little to each person, person you wont have yourself anymore because you will be so identified with other individuals. learn to be yourself. dress the way you want, do your make up the way you want, work out your body so you can shape and mould it into the shape you want. being an individual is all about following your own personal interests. so stop basing your own happiness on others. i want you to look in the mirror in 5 years and see a strong woman who no matter what is thrown her way will always stand strong. i want you to overcome this all and be so in touch with yourself that nothing will ever be able to bring you down, and no one will ever be able to make you second guess yourself. I want you to look in the mirror and see a queen. I want for you to not settle for anyone, the person you marry will be the luckiest man alive because he will be able to call me his wife. but if that man ever leaves me, he wont take a part of me with him, he can take my belongings, or partial custody of future children, but he will not be able to take my dignity or alter my self worth because it is based solely on my own opinion and perception of self. so hillary, in this time of absolute depression and upset, you can still see a bright future ahead. now i want you to reach out and get it at all costs. better yourself so that no one else in the world can even compare to you, and anyone would be lucky to have you in their lives. shape your mind in ways unspoken, obtain knowledge and experience new things. open yourself up to change. you need that right now. let this loneliness and hurt open you up to new beginnings and the development of a new a stronger you. one day people will know Hillary Perelson as a strong and intellectual woman, these people may not know your past, but will be able to tell from the way you present yourself and the demeanor of your actions that you came out on top. mental illness does not control you, you control you. so step it up Hillary. nothing is going to change on its own, you need to take initiative of your own destiny.

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