#anna if you’re reading this. im so sorry and also please read it so you can feel rabid insane too

[peachcitt]

oh my god last night i got way too into fall out boy lore and then dumped it all on anna. she went to bed halfway through my incoherent babbling and now she’s gonna wake up to see all the insane things i said

[asmutwriter]

Phone Call (Dean x f!reader)

DESCRIPTION: (season 11) After a long day at work you get back home and receive a phone call from an emotionally (or as emotional as he gets) Dean Winchester

A/N - I hope you guys don’t mind the fact that I write fluff content to try and help show the build up of their relationship. I feel like it helps you see their dynamic grow if it has some angst and fluff rather then just pure smut. I say this, I do have an idea for a smutty scene so stay tuned for that

WORD COUNT: 2350

One Shots / ‘You Saved Me’

WARNINGS: swearing, light implications of insomnia/anxiety, flirting, 

DISCLAIMERS

- This is fiction. Please always talk to your partner before doing anything and make sure they are ok with what you are doing beforehand

- Not been proof read

- This was part of my ‘You Saved Me’ series however I wasn’t keen on how it fit with the characters so I have made it part of an ‘alternative reality’ version of the main characters from that story

“Thank you Hope... for saving our son” the woman says as she holds your hands. You smile at her. 

“Its my pleasure to help” you look at her as she kisses your hands. She heads over to her son. You pick up the box that now contains the demon inside of it. Going to your car and driving to your secure lock up. Filled with various items used for securing demons and ghosts. Or cult items used for worship. Anything that youve dealt wih that holds significant power you have kept safe here. You place the new addition onto one of the shelves. Blessing the room before you leave.

You unlock your front door. Loking it again behind you as you place the keys onto the hook. Hearing a soft humming coming from the living room. You walk in. The two girls curled up under a blanket on the sofa. Billy on the floor with his back resting agaisnt the same sofa. The three of them watching a film “Sorry Im so late back. Had a problem at work that meant I had to stay overtime”

“Its ok mum. We ordered a chinese. Left some of it for you in the fridge” Anna says, titling her head to look at you. You smile. Going over and kissing the top of her head

“You guys all done you’re homework?” they nod “oh you guys are so good. I’ll be in in a second” you smile at them as you go into the kitchen. Grabbing out the leftivers and heatung it up. Then joinging them in the living room as they watch their film. Once it finishes they slowly make their way to bed. Lydia having a quick shower, Billy making them all a hot drink as Anna packs her school bag ready for the morning. You unload the dishwasher as you takj to him “Ive already said this to the girls but I have a work thing tomorrow afternoon so I wont be able to pick you guys up from school. You’ll have to get the bus back”

“God I hate the bus”

“I know. Im sorry. But I can drive you in so you all get a lie in” you smile at him as he chuckles. 

“When they come in here tell them their drinks are ready. Im going to bed” he smiles “night”

“Goodnight” you say as he walks out. A few minutes later and botht e girl walk in. They take their drinks and also say goodnight. Heading off to their rooms. You do your usual check of the house. Making sure all the doors are locked and secure before reteiring to your bed. Getting in you snuggle under the soft duvet. Jumping slightly as you hear your ohone buzz, Turning on the bedside lamp you pick it up. Why was he ringing ths late at night? you answer it. 

“Hey Rose” he says.

“Dean. Is everything ok?”

“Yeah. I just thought that I should be better at keeping in touch with you. As we always say we will and never do. Thought Id start the process of it”

“But this late at night?”

“Its not- shit sorry. Didnt realise how late it had gotten. I’ll leave you to sleep” you shake your head as you rest your head down on pillow.

“No its ok. Its nice to hear from you. Like you said, we need to keep in contact more often then we do as we always say we will” a soft chuckle coming down the phone. “Did you have a hunt today then?”

“Yeah. Had a bit of a weird case today and I needed to talk to someone to help clear my head”

“What was the case?”

“A banshee. It really managed to screw with my head today. Quite badly screwed with it infact. But thats enough about my life. How are you and the girls? And Billy now I guess?”

“Theyre all good. We had a bit of a ghost problem in our old house so we had to move but that was a few months ago now”

“A ghost problem? ANd you didnt call me?” you laugh slightly

“Im a grown up. I can deal with my own ghosts” a soft chuckle coming down the phone

“How did the others react to you javeing a haunted house?”

“Well... they dont know. Well the girls dont anyway. Billy saw the spirit. He doesnt liek talking about it as he thinks hes going insane but he saw her. I didnt tell the girls. I just said that we had to move. Thankfully they know how I am with staying in one place to long so didnt question it”

“They dont know about the ghost then?”

“They dont know about ghosts period. And I plan on keeping it that way. The less they know about monsters the better”

“I agree with you on that” you rub yoru eyes slightly. Standing up you wrap your dressing gown around you as you head to the kitchen. You dont register that he was talking to you as you walked until you hear him say your name “Kat?”

“Sorry what did you say?” he laughs, you can almsot hear him shaking his head

“I asked how long youve been in your new place”

“Oh gosh. About 9 months Id say” you grab a cereal bar from the cupbaord “how long have youlived in your place?”

“We moved in about three years ago”

“Its just you and Sam there right?”

“Yeah. I mean Cas lives with us too but not constantly”

“Ive not heard you talk about Cas before”

"Hes just a friend of ours. Hes an angel”

“An angel? As in...”

“Yeah. Feathers, harps, robes, all that shit”

“I jave images of you and your brother being serrenaded each morning as you wake by a random man wearing a robe and playing a harp” he laughs

“Sadly not quite that ammusing” you chuckle soflt

“Thats a shame. Id pay money to see that”

“I would too” you smile as you finish off your food. Standing up you turn off the kitchen light. Going back into your room you hang your dressing gown on the back of the door before you climb into bed. Sitting cross legged with the duvet over your lower half. “What does he look like then? This angel friend of yours”

“Why? You hoping hes cute so you can get laid?”

“Shut up” a chuckle going down the phone “no I was just curious as to if he looked like how the bible depicts them to look like”

“No. Similar to demons they posess people so they look like whoever they are possessing. But angels have to ask for permission”

“Oh at least they are keen on peoes consent to be a meat puppet” another soft chuckle down the phone. You smile down the phone

“Thining of friends, how is... whats her name...” a pause as he thinks. “Tash. Thats her name. How is she?” you let out a small scoff as you roll your eyes

“Im not sure. Havent heard from her directly in about 3 weeks. She moved to Spain”

“Oh...”

“Please do sound more disapointed” you say sarcasticly “really helps buid up my attraction towards you”

“No I- I didnt mean it like that” you chuckle as he tries to backtrack

“Just keep digging dude. Keep digging”

“I just wanted to know how she was doing. Thats all”

“Oh of course. Defiantly not because you wanted to ask me for her number a you forgot to get it when you last saw her”

“SHut up” you smile as you grab your water from your side, sipping it slightly “do you have her number though?”

“I do. But I feel liker he new boyfriend might be a bit pissed at me if I gave it to you” you laugh as he lets out an annoyed sigh

“Just a quick thing. Next time lead with that information”

“Aww but it was funny hearing you sound all hopeful” you mock him down the phone

“Bitch” he playfully mutters down the phone

“Im offended. Truly” you let out a soft laugh as he pauses on the other side

“WHat did you mean by your attraction towards me?” you can hear the smirk in his voice

“Wh-what do you mean?” you curxe at yourself silently for sutterong

“You said that it helos build up your attraction towards me. Just wanted to know what you eamtn by that exactly?” the teasing in his voice evident.

“I said it sarcasticly so...” you shrug “wouldnt think to much into it” you smile as he lets put a soft ‘uh huh’ down the phone.

“You sure that it doesnt mean that you have secretly have the hots for me?”

“You wish” he chuckles slightly. His voice goi g lower as he speaks

“I dont make you squirm just by the sound of my voice? That you dont think of me on those lonely nights when its just you and your thoughts?” you move slightly. Trying to think of a good comeback as his words go straight to your core.

“Idiot” you mutter. He chuckles

“Thats the best you got?”

“SHut up. Its late and I wasnt expecting this conversation”

“SO what you have to have a comeback prethpught of?”

“How would me hanging up on you be for a comeback?”

“Ok ok. Im sorry” you roll your eyes “I get it though. I am devilishly handsome”

“I would so kick your ass right now if you were here”

“Oh Id like to see you try sweetheart” once again you can hear the cocky grin on his face. You glare at the wall as you hear him let out a soft chuckle. 

“how is Sam?”

“Hes good. He met someone tday that I think hes pretty keen on. Of course he would never admit that” you chuckle soflty

“Of course not” you smile down the phone “How about you? You got any fancy ladies?” he chuckles soflty. Pausing for a little bit before he answers

“Im very much single” he says, you can hear a soft smile on his voice “how about you? You got any special man? Or woman for that matter?”

“No. To both of those. I did go on a date a couple of weeks ago withh a guy”

“Oh yeah? How did that go?”

“It went well. Very well actually. Until I realised he didn actually like kids. Very much disliked children. SO I just kind of... left him... didnt really think we would becompatable considering I have three”

“Three? When did you pop anotherone out?”

“Im incorporationg Billy into the mix. Gotta include the adoptive son” he chuckles slightly

“Yes. Having met him I can picture him being quite upset if you didnt consider him one of yours”

“Oh very much so. He insisited we had new family pictures done proffesionally so he was part of them. Its cute to be honest. I think hes just happy that he has a family again. Only downside is that Im more outnumbered when it comes to thwm asking for a pet”

“Oh really?”

“Yep. Im not keen on getting a pet anything. Lyida really wants a pet cat and Anna was never bothered. So it was essentially even. But now Billy wants a cat to. SHes done some sort of jedi mind trick on him to want to get one I think” he chuckles

“You could get a cat”

“No. Dont you side with them either”

“You could though. Really help add to your stress levels I feel. Needing to look after another living thing” you roll your eyss at his sarcasm

“Theyd look after it well enough. They always forget to drink and eat themselves but are great at reminding each other to do it” he chuckles softly down the phone

“Yeah that sounds about right. Exactly like their mother”

“SHut up” you glare down the phone, hearing him let out another chuckle. You smile. There was something about bis  laugh that coule easliy light up a room. You mentally shake yourself before mvoing under your duvet. STretching your legs out under the soft sheets, hearing Dean let out a muffled yawn on th enother end of the line. You chuckle slighty “Am I keeping you up?”

“No. Defiantl not. I did ring you so its me whos keeping you up, surely”

“ou arent wrong. But it is-” you look at the clock on the bedside table “12:06am. So I understand if you’re tired” he laughs slightly. 

“Ive stayed up way later then this”

“We cant pull an all nighter”

“And why not?” although the tone in his voice was slightly mocking, the way it sounded made you realise he was asking it as a genune question as well.

“No we cant. I have work tomorrow. Plus I have to get the girls and Billy to school” a soft ‘oh’ leaves his lips. The sadness in his voice making your heart break. You shut your eyes. Trying to think of a solution that meets you both. “I would say that you’re welcome to come round. But its very late and I imagine you wont want to travel far just for the sake of a sleepover” 

“Id like to. A lot actually. But I shouldnt. Too much going on for me to leave in the middle of the night. I really wish I could though. More then you think” you smile softly as you nod

“I understand. You have a hectic life. Saving the world and everything. Cant be easy”

“No its certainly a pain in my ass” you chuckle softly

“Its been lovely hearing from you though Dean. But I really should go to sleep now. Sorry”

“Its ok. I should get some shut eye too” you smile down the phone softly “I’ll see you around Kat” you nod at his statement

“I hope so. Goodnight”

“Night”. Click off. You place your phone down on the side cabinet. Rubbing your hand over your face before settling down underneath the covers. 

[unalivejournal]

u mentioned only reading kripke era fic do you have a reclist 👀👀👀and if not could you link some of ur faves cuz the stuff that gets circulated the most right now is all like late late seasons fic and kripke era is my favorite too but im having trouble finding that many fics for it or even seasons 6-10 era which im fine with also. its just that like. the last five seasons were so bad that it makes fic generally worse too because people have to jump off of just Thee stupidest plot choices no matter how good their prose skills might be. but anyway yea if u have recs that would be awesome :)

hi anon i was thinking abt making a reclist and u just gave me the perfect excuse thank u

jess adamilligan’s kripke era fic recs

from making this ive learned that i never bookmark ANYTHING. sorry all of these r like….. 10k and under. i DO read longer fic but i don’t have any kripke era longfics bookmarked & tbh i prefer short oneshots

season one gen

disclaimer because it’s unfortunately needed: NONE of these are w*ncest! they’re all completely tagged as gen and i did not read them with the intent of consuming ship content.

Coaster Park by fogsrollingin, 10.4k, G, gen

Coaster Park had been experiencing an unusually high frequency of technical difficulties. Dean wouldn't have pulled a shift treating nauseated, heat-stroked, or dehydrated park-goers for that if he could've helped it, but when 'technical difficulties' were accompanied by rumors of things moving and stopping on their own in front of the operators' eyes, Dean had to throw down.

No historical tragedies or disasters in the area, ectoplasm, or EMF. Dean's only lead was a battered-looking kid that'd been coming to the park every day since it'd all started.

really interesting au fic! slightly ‘it’s a terrible life’. dean winchester is a hunter/EMT and sam wesson is a college kid destined to die on a roller coaster ride.

two basic motivating forces by sahwen, 7.8k, T, gen

He can’t cry, it’s not allowed; even as a child he was hushed into silence, whether his tears were from a long car ride or a late night or a raging fever. It’s never been an option, it’s never been an available outlet, and it’s not about to start being one just because he’s having an emotional breakdown on the bathroom floor.

Sam isn't only afraid of clowns.

BIG emetophobia tw (both for graphic depictions of nausea/vomiting and for the fact that this fic is about sam suffering from emetophobia) for this one but it’s my favorite sickfic. portrays anxiety over getting sick really well and is a fascinating examination of the different ways that sam’s fear of loss of control can manifest itself. also has lovely brothers content <3

Let’s Start at the Very Beginning (Remix of Just as Easy as 123) by nwspaprtaxis, 4k, T, gen

Dean’s functionally illiterate and Sam’s determined to remedy it...

PLEASE READ THIS ONE god it’s so sweet. dean never learned how to read properly due to his nomadic childhood and sam teaches him how.

dean/cas

Broadway Musical by Griftings, 9k, M, m/m

This is the day that marked the Holy and Blessed Union of Dean Winchester and Jo Harvelle.

The merging of prominent bloodlines is always a grand occurrence, but breeding pedigree hunter families like Winchester and Harvelle is something to be rejoiced. It is also something to be meticulously planned, which thankfully the Host is very good at.

Or, the romantic comedy where Dean Winchester and Jo Harvelle are destined to get married, Castiel is given the task of playing matchmaker and fails terribly, the entire Heavenly Host becomes a sitcom audience, God warns against male pregnancy, and Jimmy Novak is incredibly unimpressed with angels in general.

somewhat of a fandom classic and the humor holds up wonderfully. a very silly fic completed with commentary from angel radio throughout the entire thing.

Sappiest Season by dollsome, 2.7k, G, m/m

In which Dean and Cas have to stop an evil Christmas tree (like you do), and it requires a little fake couple action.

hilarious little s5ish fic. one of the first i read when getting back into spn. i don’t want to spoil anything but this is my favorite pick me up and i still giggle randomly whenever i think about it

The (Mostly Accidental) Courtship of Dean Winchester by tuesday

Angelic marriage rites were never intended to go quite like this.

another fandom classic. ik this one is recced a lot but how could i NOT include it. dean and cas get married (mostly by accident) and they’re huge cunts about it

the one thing in the galaxy god didn't have his eyes on by prufrock, 2.4k, T, gen + m/m

“Wait,” Dean says. “Let me get this right. You can fly, right—you can teleport—but you can’t drive a car?”

or, after the events of S5E03 "Free to Be You and Me," Dean teaches Cas to drive. Cas finds it stressful

im always a sucker for a good ftbyam fic. also i can’t drive so. resonation

So Says The Sword by komodobits, 85k, E, m/m

The briefing was simple: ‘Stand guard over the Michael Sword until the battle is ready to commence. Await further instructions.’

Castiel doesn’t mind working security duty; he was briefed shortly after the initial salvation of the Sword from the pit, and again before taking up his position. He knows what to do. However, it’s easy to forget that the green room isn’t real. Time moves differently there, the space ever-changing to make a prison of mountains, cathedrals, salt flats, orchards, and whatever Castiel was led to believe about Heaven’s greatest weapon—Dean Winchester is something entirely unexpected.

NO introduction neede. i think everyone on spntumblr has read this already but still. if you haven’t then i am demanding that you read it NOW. tbh i’m just adding this one so that i have at least one long fic here 😭

the weight by @myaimistrue, 3.5k, T, gen + m/m

“Do you…” Bobby sighs. “Listen, Dean, do you have something you wanna tell me?”

It’s the conversational equivalent of being punched in the stomach.

Or, Dean works through some things with Bobby's help.

WHEN I SAW THE USERNAME I GASPED I HAD NO IDEA THIS WAS U. anyway i Love coming out fics idk why i just do. the world is ending and dean comes out to bobby

canticles by 2street2car, 10.3k, T, m/m

“But you know something? If I couldn’t get you laid, at least I gave you a good first date.”

feat: footsies at a Ruby Tuesday, stargazing, the recreation of an iconic "Dirty Dancing" scene (no, not that one—the other one), and practicing for When You're With A Girl.

another ftbyam fic that skepticalfrog (i believe?) recommended a while back. made me feel at least 28 new emotions

Epilogue by JayneL, 28k, E, m/m

Bobby is here, swearing somewhere above and behind him; and Dean is here, talking about 2014 like it's a foreign country; and Sam is here, and is not Lucifer. Which means-- Bobby is here, swearing somewhere above and behind him; and Dean is here, talking about 2014 like it's a foreign country; and Sam is here, and is not Lucifer. Which means--

Cas is no longer when he was. Lucifer sent him back.

Coda to 'The End'.

2014 cas gets sent back to 2009, feelings ensue etc. i don’t remember all the details of this one bc it’s been a while but it’s really good

bonus

currently reading

Fragile As We Lie by perilously, 11k, E, f/f

Dragging Bela Talbot out of perdition isn't so much a decision as it is a frantic choice based on gut instinct. Her soul is bright, if fractured, and Anna yearns to do good again after the perversion of free will that immediately preceded her death.

Bela's no ordinary human, though; she's prickly and damaged and beautiful, and Anna doesn't want to leave her side. So maybe they can figure out how to navigate post-resurrection, post-Apocalypse-that-wasn't Earth together.

[samsflannel]

survey results are in!

sorry, this is gonna be a long post. yesterday i posted a survey with a list of polls regarding Supernatural, and it was SO much fun. I got over 300 responses, which was A LOT to sort through for the short responses, but I’ve gathered all the “data” and here it is! My responses to each poll will be under the screenshots (they are in groups of 2). I’m going to include the short answer responses in another post. ENJOY!

1. Starting off strong.

2. Pleased with this one as well.

3. Yep, I expected this response from most of us.

4. Sami, I made the wincest and destiel response just for you. YW.

5. CMON YOU GUYS......live a little!!! samjack sexy

6. I’m not really surprised that Playthings got the bulk of votes here, but I think my vote would have been 8x23.

7.  :)

8. i’m disappointed that more people didn’t choose the yellow one tbh

9. it is sexy. it is. wake up.

10. i love Dean, but he’s definitely an asshole. and that’s what makes him a great character!

11. hehe.....i understand why not a lot of people picked noncon bait....u r valid its ok im gross.

12. WHO THE FUCK PICKED NO......have you ever consumed media

13. WBK.

14. damn, Dean kinda got the short end here! a lot of samgirls took this survey

15. i get why you wouldn’t like Bugs bc it does have harmful stereotypes about native ppl but the rest of it is peak season 1 wdymmm

16. almost 50/50 here! old vs new fans we love to see it. I am definitely wincest old guard.

17. YEP. Eric Kripke needs shock therapy for that one

18. The fact that some people admitted to being dry.....tragic. I think Eileen is a great character but they are NOT endgame.

19. SO YOURE JUST GONNA SIT THERE AND ADMIT HOW WRONG YOU ARE??

20. ugh. yeah. same.

21. who tf picked blue. cmon. red meat incest agenda.

22. SAM MOMMY MILKERS!!!!! hucow sam <3

23. Mixed on this one! My response is obviously yellow :)

24. I do think Bobby favored Dean somewhat.

25. Johnzazel agenda so true

26. HIGHKEY CANON. AND SEXY

27. someone requested a combination of blue and yellow and you’re so right i apologize.

28. mixed on this one for top vs bottom fans! almost a 50/50 split

29. ANNA DID NOTHING WRONG

30. I can’t believe this one is almost 50/50. Ruby girlboss you guys are haters

31. again. admitting you’re dry. THEY FUCKED

32. yeah :(

33. Q-anon level conspiracy theory.

34. I actually fall into the blue. I do believe Cas was in love with Dean, but not the other way around. I think Cas loving Dean makes wincest so much more spicy

35. I love sam so much

36. those of you who answered yes........join my movement.

37. c’mon. even if you don’t ship wincest you need to admit this one.

38. sorry this one was self-indulgent.

39. JESS PEGGED SAM.

40. idk, i personally think Cassie deffo pegged Dean. She has top energy.

41. So all the people who answered no have definitely not read the fic (were too young to remember it) or are squicked by underage which is ok! its one of those fics i read back in 2010 so i have fond memories of it

42. hahahah you guys were mean on this one

43. it’s canon bro sorry

44. thank god this one was majority yellow

45. i give wincestiel a valid pass! dean has multiple holes

46. Jack is hole <3

47. I actually think both are great (and ppl were mad I didn’t have that option srry) but deanpussy is incredible and underrated.

48. SEXY>>>>>>

49. thank you for enabling me.

50. can you guess the redacted part? it was: insert various objects into himself :))))

51. ok heres the big question! i’m not surprised ilysmmbb won, but i personally vote for “yeah, there he is” !! i think its underrated and such a tender moment.

52. i’m in the blue. i like cas.

53. i actually am in the yellow on this one. i think its more realistic, although blue is hot forsure

54. top 3 cas moment right there.

55. objectively yes on this one. thank god for COVID- *gets shot at*

56. sorry this was shady i’m not really like this usually haha. i think death is my fave besides Rowena

57. obviously i’m in the red. i’m shocked that so many people said Yes.......

58. Clearly.

59. I enjoyed fan fiction! i love campy episodes as you all know (like Dog Dean afternoon and such) so i loved fan fiction. it was a nice nod to someone like me who has been watching for a long time.

60. HOW THE FUCK COULD YOU NOT KNOW WHO ANDY IS. i wish he would have been in the show longer........

61. uh....yeah.

62. Yeah c’mon. Dean would and you know it.

63. Thank god you guys didn’t fuck this up. I would agree, but Corbett is a close second for me.

64. IN THE RED BABY!!!!

65. we love a man bleeding out. we do.

66. i actually think misha is chill with J2 but.....you can’t deny J3 have more chemistry.

67. I uh......don’t think Dean would be a great father. is this me projecting my own issues with my father onto Dean? maybe,,,,

68. i’m surprised this was so negative! I think i would be interested

69. thanks for reading my shitty poetry!! i also had s4 dean in mind when writing this

70. CMON.....ITS KINDA SEXY CMON.......that spice of battered wife syndrome.......violent man in the house.......sam beaten down....im barking

71. haha yessss go yellow.

72. go yellow again.

73. I think I would actually vote yellow on this one. what a sweet and beautiful thing to say to someone, and its so very DEAN.

74. mhm. i think so. 

75. SEXY CONTROLLING OLDER BROTHER!!!!!

76. no idea why people answered yes to this one. that punch was fucked up. was it sexy? thats another story,,

77. WOKE. 

78. I do. I love pilot Dean.

79. Dean is a carfucker. any side of the fandom can recognize that

80. thank you GREEN!!!!!!

81. Sam is bi wtf! Sera Gamble erasure

82. Padackles commune <33333 they all fuck and they don’t know whose kid is whose!!!! (not really but this is sexy)

83.  THESE BROTHERS ARE WEIRD FOR SURE.

[itonje]

How did you get into Arthurian legend? I don't know where to start!

hi omg sorry for getting to this late but uh i alwaysss recommend my mutual @/gringolet's post on an intro to arthuriana which covers most of it but hmmm if you're asking me how i went about it i started semi chronologically with uh some early arthurian adjacent docs irt to subroman britain (i dont recommend this. dont do this have fun) and made my way up to historia regum britanniae (i do recommend this one but you can just read the arthurian parts if you dont want to read anything else lol..) also i recommend reading other pseudohistories! layamon's brut and historia gentis scotorum are my favs but wace's roman de brut is good as well..then when you get to romances most famously there are the romances of chretien de troyes. my favorite is lancelot, knight of the cart but it is...a lot. yvain, knight of the lion is also very good i recommend that as well. perceval, or the story of the grail is unfinished so fair warning but there are lots of other grail narratives if thats your thing (my personal favorites are parzival, peredur fab effrawg, and the didot perceval. i really like perceval stories lol) also theres the epigonal romances and like thats an entire thing in itself but my favorite of all of them has to be meraugis de portlesguez it is so entertaining it is more entertaining than a lot of modern stuff ive read honestly.

if you're looking for prose romances, there is...the lancelot grail cycle, or the vulgate, which is really long and has a lot of content it is where most of the most popular arthurian traditions originate. then there's the post vulgate which is a sort of a condensed version of it? ive not read either i dont know how much they differ lol. i know that it features more tristan and iseult stuff which is like, if you like or want to read tristan and iseult stuff this post is really good also by my mutual @/tillman i personally am not really invested in the tristan and iseult stuff but like. that is a personal thing lol. also irt to prose stuff the three romances of the mabinogi + culhwch ac olwen + breuddwyd rhonabwy are the arthurian stories in the book but i just recommend it in general it is so good. it is so good please god read the mabinogion im a big fan of welsh arthuriana in general so if you want to have more recs for that specifically lol...

also yes i will talk about the english stuff now cause thats what people like well layamons brut is in like..extremely archaic english but there's also the prose merlin (highly recommend but it is hard to find a translation online that's in like. contemporary english), there's also lancelot of the laik which is great, the alliterative morte arthure which is probably one of my favs it is excellent but then again i like the iliad so maybe i'm a biased slut for war epics (also yeah its a war epic lol). um also theres sir gawain and the green knight which i know is like the most famous of all of them and theres a movie coming out and whatnot and like its fine. its a good starter because it tells a very contained story on its own it doesnt expect you to understand everything ab arthurs court its very entertaining but imo i would read other romances featuring gawaine before this one (which is basically like. all the verse romances lol hes a popular character. my little meow meow). speaking of gawaine the dutch romances (which feature him. heavily) are good. theyre very good and i recommend them highly they also tell contained, highly entertaining stories um id start with moriaen (which is what i started with) and then skip around from there they're all great tho.

um now everyone's wanting me to say it which is uh. lets talk about le morte darthur! i dont recommend it as a starter text even tho i read it like really early on myself so do what you want however id say get one of those like, condensed versions like howard pyles king arthur, andrew langs book of romance, beatrice clay rodger lancelyn green and henry firth bc they all tell condensions of it and id keep it on you while youre reading the original thing just in case like things dont make sense or whatever lol plotwise. le morte is a very late text, and it is very strange for an arthurian text so like idk why people say to read it first because. if i had to say read any arthurian medieval text last. it would honestly be this one because there is such a beautiful finality to it.

i do recommend it though but fair warning that things presented in le morte are like. not the same across all texts? thats something you should keep in mind in general like a lot of these texts are from diff cultures diff languages with their own shifted traditions of arthurian stuff so just in case theres contradictions or whatever between them even in the texts itself (i am looking at you geoffrey of monmouth and anna's family tree) like, dont sweat it or whatever theyre just weird like that. its like comics or whatnot.

anyways this is all to say you have a lot of places to start and pick around from id recommend shorter stuff first and stuff whose translations are usually pretty accessible and contemporary (this is why i highly recommend de troyes' romances in the beginning) just to get used to it cause the 'plot' structure of these things esp in the verse romances is like a bit different than modern lit so i know that can be offputting for some people. like i said like modern condensions of arthurian stuff are invaluable, so are um indexes? there's a couple i don't know if there are any pdfs floating online but i know they usually carry them at libraries and whatnot...

there's a lot of modern modern stuff i dont know about any of it. i couldnt even tell you about bbc merlin i am quite stupid in regard to it. i do know a fair bit about victorian stuff which is modern tho! i should make a post on that but like tldr victorian arthurian poetry good. most of it. victorian arthurian content tho is really in a whole different world as compared to medieval lit so like. well leave all the generally post medieval stuff off for a min asjkldfskld

so like. yeah have fun i know i didnt leave any links on this post (mostly) but if you want any text i mention here please please ask me i WILL send you a pdf guaranteed except for the vulgate and the post vulgate i have not read those and afaik they are hard to come by. i dont know of any pdfs of arthurian indexes if you want one but i could try to find one..?

anyways yeah if this is confusing im sorry 😭😭😭ive answered a question like this a couple times as well jic ehehe https://itonje.tumblr.com/post/641224624484581376/could-i-ask-how-you-got-started-in-arthurian

https://itonje.tumblr.com/post/651581606366265344/hey-finny-im-so-sorry-to-bother-you-but-a-week

[ineloqueent]

hi tina 💞 not sure how easy this is, since my astrophysics knowledge is nearing -273 *C, but you could do mutuals as astronomical sights? comets, planets, galaxies etc... sorry if not!! 💖✨

anna! and anon! you’ve given me a wonderful chance to ramble about space. you may come to regret it, however...

if i’ve forgotten you, please do not take it personally! i didn’t mean to. my mind is just but a glorified puddle :)

@archaicmusings — vega

vega is the brightest star in the constellation lyra, and happens to be my favourite star. don’t ask me why vega is my favourite star, or why lyra is my favourite constellation, because i haven’t got a coherent answer for you. i’ve just always been drawn to them. a bit like cal, really. i feel like we’ve known each other for far longer than just four months, and she’s so lovely that i’m fairly sure i could say anything to her and she’d just accept me for whatever rubbish i’m rambling about this time. and, in the depressing year that’s been 2020, cal has been a bright star.

@drivenbybri — halley’s comet

honestly, is there anything more iconic than halley’s comet? there can’t be much. probably the best known comet of all time, halley’s comet is a short-period comet (and if you’ve read starstruck, you know how much i prefer short-period comets to those long-period comets with their damned 200-year perihelions, even if certain people suggest that this makes them quite special), meaning that it is visible from earth every 75-ish years. halley’s comet last made an appearance in the lovely year of 1986, and will thus appear next in 2061 (i’m so excited for my 59-year-old self!!!). halley’s comet, though well-known, is still a rare breed, so to speak. it is rare, and extraordinarily beautiful that a comet appears to a human twice within their lifetime. sofie is rare, just like halley’s comet, and equally beautiful, both in heart and with that lovely curly hair of hers. i’m honoured to know her, just as i shall be honoured to see halley’s comet one day.

@brianmays-hair — cassiopeia a

cassiopeia a (or rather, the remnant of cassiopeia a) was a supernova within the constellation of cassiopeia. for those of you who do not obsess over interstellar matter the way that i do, supernovae are explosions of massive stars, or white dwarfs drawn to nuclear fusion, within their final stages of life. not much is known about how these explosions necessarily take place, and nasa has only caught on video one such explosion, back in 2016. the most commonly presented image of the remnant of cassiopeia a is a false-colour image, composed with three different wavebands of light. it is, as you can see, very beautiful. supernovae radiate energy and light throughout the cosmos during their existence, and thus having a great effect on the space surrounding them. i therefore liken jess to cassiopeia a because she has a brilliant personality, vibrant and inspiring, which comes across especially in her writing. but of course, the beauty of cassiopeia a has nothing on her.

@deacyblues — sirius

as far as we humans and the scientists among us know, sirius is the brightest star in the observable universe. housed within the constellation of canis major, sirius has always been monumentally important in terms of navigation, since ancient times. i tell pearl this all the time, but truly, i mean it; her outlook on life is inspiring, how she never fails to be positive even in times of great trouble. like sirius, pearl is a light, ever-present within the mindset of living for today, ever-determined, and unfailingly kind.

@joemazzmatazz — black hole

please let me explain before this gets taken the wrong way: I LOVE BLACK HOLES. i specifically want to study black holes, whenever i get the chance to specialise within astrophysics. they fascinate me to no end, with a kind of allure that only the mysterious can hold. furthermore, black holes may be the key to understanding the universe; if we understand black holes, we will be able to make headway on other matter, such as dark matter, and dark energy, the latter of which makes up the majority of the observable universe, and will lead us to astronomical (if you’ll pardon the ill-worded expression, and the unintentional pun) conclusions concerning both the beginning of our universe, and the eventual end. regan, just like a black hole, is a wealth of information, especially concerning the knowledge she harbours about disney, and the business management sector of it. it’s quite truly inspirational.

@im-an-adult-ish — the milky way

ah yes, the milky way. home to all of us. and that is the essence of my explanation here. meredith has such a friendly way about her, and she’s the kind of person you can easily turn to and feel welcomed. a bit like our little corner of the universe <3

@almightygwil — the sun

i think this is probably self-explanatory, if a bit repetitive, but ellie is a ray of sunshine. but perhaps that sells her a little short, because ellie is just so genuinely lovely that she must herself be the sun. her writing talent astounds me (you could say it blinds me, ha ha), and she never fails to be somehow both sweet and very chaotic at the same time. it’s very admirable (and certainly relatable, on the chaotic front). the sun itself, if we think about the surface and the fusion that takes place there, is both the sweetest sight ever seen, and quite chaotic, so i think it fitting that ellie is the sun.

@hijackmy-heart — callisto

callisto is one of jupiter’s moons, and my favourite, because it looks like a piece of the night sky decided to curl up into a ball. i don’t know nat too well, but i know that she’s gorgeous, like callisto, and loves roger taylor. let me explain. jupiter, in roman mythology, is the god of the sky and of thunder. in norse mythology, thor is the equivalent of jupiter, and to me, roger has always had a bit of that typical scandinavian look going, with the blonde hair and blue eyes (not to say that all scandis look like this, but he fits the stereotype :)). nat loves roger, and callisto orbits jupiter, so there you have it.

@six-bloodyminutes — the moon

the moon has a serenity about it, and mo has a knack for telling quite wild things with a most casual air. for instance, according to my sources, when a certain dorm room caught fire (?). mo thus bears this serenity, akin to the serenity i associate with the moon, with equal grace and chaos.

@dancingdiscofloof — pluto

pluto! the not-planet-oh-wait-maybe-it’s-a-planet-jk-jk-unless..? i still think that pluto should be considered a planet, despite the many arguments against the poor sod. pluto was once a planet, and should therefore have remained a planet, for the plain and simple fact that taking away its planethood was like giving a person a present, and then taking it back immediately afterward. anyway. i’m rambling. i also do not know rove very well, but i know that she’s kind, and, judging by the memes she shares, both of ryan gosling and tom hanks, that she is quirky— a bit like our beloved pluto.

@imcompletelylost — aurora borealis/aurora australis

also known as the northern lights/the southern lights, the polar lights, the merry dancers, the fox fires, or swarms of luminous herring (you can thank my ancestors, followers of norse mythology, for that one), the aurora is an astronomical phenomenon precipitated by the complete ring of light surrounding the poles, “which at its brightest has a distinctively green tint” (may, brian, et al. the cosmic tourist. carlton books, 2016.). yes i just made a citation from one of brian’s books. don’t worry about it. anyway, particles emitted from our sun are caught by the magnetic fields of earth’s poles, and thus produce this ethereal effect. but you know what the aurora has always reminded me of? disco lights. and libby is noting if not the queen of disco. oh, and, libby’s makeup talents? the aurora could never.

@aprilaady — butterfly nebula

the butterfly nebula is incredibly beautiful. but also, depending on from which angle it is beheld, it looks quite different. dor will surprise you, in the loveliest way possible (and sometimes the funniest) with a kind word or a joke, or even just a relatable comment. she has so many talents, being rivetingly smart within so many fields, especially the sciences, and in this, conveys multitudes, like the butterfly nebula. one might say her soul is painted like the wings of butterflies...

@doing-albri — solar eclipse

the alignment of the sun, moon, and earth. difficult to see, especially in totality, if you continually live in the same place. but there’s something magical in that alignment, i think. something quite poetic. it’s partially in the name ‘eclipse’ and partially in the nickname— a “ring of fire.” i saw the solar eclipse in august of 2018, and looking up at it, i was quite awestruck. you’re not supposed to stare directly at solar eclipses, because despite the moon overshadowing the sun, you can still damage your eyes significantly by looking at them. vi is so bright, both in her attitude and in her intelligence, and thus i’ve chosen the solar eclipse for her. also, when a solar eclipse occurs, using a piece of cardboard with a hole (or generally any thick-radius circular object with an opening), you can recreate the phenomenon on another surface, resulting in beautiful patterns and light-art, which i think speaks to vi’s eye for aesthetics.

@imalososos — meteor shower

meteor showers are perhaps some of the most beautiful phenomena i have ever seen. back in the summer of 2016, i stayed up all night to watch the perseids rush across the sky, and i was not disappointed, by any means. within the early hours of the 12th of august, an estimated 80 meteors darted across the heavens each hour. meteors, in essence, are clusters of mineral, usually debris from comets, which enter the atmosphere of a planet, and thus seem to shoot across the sky. now, you may be wondering, what’s the bloody blooming difference between meteoroids, meteors, and meteorites, and why are we talking about meteors in particular? well, meteoroids are cosmic debris that have not yet entered an atmosphere; as soon as a piece of cosmic debris enters a planet’s atmosphere, it is classified as a meteor. as for meteorites, nothing is a meteorite unless it strikes the ground. anyway. you didn’t come here for my science ramblings. meteors are also called ‘shooting stars,’ and let’s be honest, they’re space’s idea of art. streaks of light across the sky? sounds like a painting to me, and darya, among many other things, is an artist— and a brilliant one, at that. so i think it very fitting to describe her as the art of the universe <3

@mazzell-ro — saturn

i! love! saturn!!! being the only planet in our solar system with highly visible rings, it just stands out to me. it’s absolutely gorgeous, and an object of much inspiration to me, when i was little and decided that space was absolutely something i wanted to see. i could write an eight-verse song about saturn, i love it so much, and honestly, i think ro could write one too; she’s an excellent musician. but aside from its lovely rings, saturn is unique because its composition, in the ratio of its gases, would allow the planet to float in water. ro is uniquely wonderful, and her writing!!!!!!!! makes me so soft and happy and makes me want to give her the word. quite how i feel when i look up at saturn.

@mistiermistshazierdays — zodiacal light

you may recognise this term as brian’s speciality from when he was studying astrophysics. but what is it? zodiacal light is that strange triangle of light that appears glowing in the sky after twilight and before dawn, and is the subject of much earth-based astrophotography. extraordinarily beautiful, scientists are still not entirely sure what the phenomenon is, but most research and practical experiments are in favour of zodiacal light being sunlight reflected off of cosmic dust (also known as stardust!). now, if my knowledge of ancient greece and its mythology serves me, the name phoebe comes from phoebus, and (thank you google) means ‘bright.’ zodical light… bright… phoebe… you might say it’s a match made in the heavens. quite literally if we’re talking space. phoebe, you kind soul, you are stardust.

@speciallyred — andromeda galaxy

and last, but certainly not least, dear anna. i name thee the andromeda galaxy, partially for your own name, and partially for its poetic beauty. andromeda, the neighbour galaxy of our deal ol’ milky way, is actually about 2.5 million lightyears (15 trillion miles, 22.5 trillion km) away from us, here on earth. call me vain for the number of times i’ve described the beauty of space throughout this rather extended exposition, but andromeda is startlingly beautiful. one reason for this objective beauty is that andromeda is estimated to be home to roughly double the number of stars within our own galaxy. anna is one of the most talented poets i have ever come across, hands down, and what be the food of poetry, if not the stars?

[hollanderfangirl]

The Twins | Harry Holland (dad! Harry) |

A/N: Decided to write this as a headcannon. I don’t know how accurate this is, I have no experience with childbirth or parenting, this is all a figment of my imagination so just bear with me lol. Also I was listening to Let it go while writing this and now I’m crying because it brings back so many memories.

So the rain was pouring outside while you were lazily sleeping with your head on Harry’s chest when you felt the sharp pain in your stomach.

Harry immediately started panicking, he knew what he had to do- drive you to the hospital, that is, but he didn’t know what to do.

After him just running around the house and innocently asking you if you were okay or what you needed and you just yelling at him “Just drive us to the bloody hospital Harry everything is in the bag!!!” you both finally drove to the hospital.

You were a little calm after seeing the doctor and getting the epidural.

Harry read the script of his new movie to you to keep you distracted. He knew it wasn’t helping much but you tried to focus on the plot of the film rather than your pain.

Then the hardest part of it all came, the actual birth, you knew the pain would be extreme, Nikki and your own mother had told you that but you didn’t know it would be unbearable.

You held on to Harry’s hand for your life and you later on found out that you had actually sprained his wrist. But he didn’t mind, of course, that was nothing compared to what you had gone through.

He just kept saying “Come on baby, you’re doing great! Just a little longer, come on!”

And you yelling “Oh really?! I don’t see you pushing a fucking baby out of you!”

You had given up. You didn’t even know how long you had been pushing and it was too much.

“I –I can’t anymore, I’m done, I’m sorry I just can’t,” you say, blinking tears from your eyes. “I’m so tired, I was just trying to take a nap back home, why did they have to come just when I was getting some rest huh? I want to sleep, I can’t go on”

Harry tried not to laugh at that, your baby girls had actually chosen the worst time to come in, you were sleep deprived and tired but you still tried to go on.

“Babe I know, I know,” he put his forehead on yours. “But please, just a little longer, I promise” Although he didn’t know if it was true, as you had already been pushing for hours.

It took you all of your remaining strength, in that last minute, when you pushed out one of your daughters.

The cries of the tiny baby filled the entire room, with Harry crying and laughing and smiling, all at the same time.

Just as you were about to relax a bit, you hear the doctor say “Okay now let’s go again”

What?! You had forgotten you were having two babies.

You start to shook your head, saying no but pushed anyway.

After you hear the cries of your second girl, you just slowly say to Harry “Is it over?”

“It’s over….it’s over, you did it! I’m so proud of you, love, so proud”

You hold your daughters in your arms and say “Hi- hi baby,” you couldn’t help but cry, looking at what you had made.

You wanted to sleep, but couldn’t because you couldn’t stop looking at your girls. Everyone at the hospital said they were the most beautiful babies they had ever seen.

 Harry and your family came to visit while you were in the hospital. Nikki was so happy she finally had granddaughters after having to deal with four boys.

"Everyone, meet Elena and Annalise Holland," You say.

"Oh they're such beautiful names, y/n"

Harry did not sleep that night, he held the girls in his arms all night, slowly singing to them and giving you sneaky loving stares.

Elena was a daddy's girl. Big time. She had Harry's curls and his little birthmark on the left side of her upper lip. They were inseparable when together, and she would always throw tantrums when she was with you.

Annalise on the other hand, couldn't leave your side. She was definitely a mommy's girl.

The twins kept you both awake all night for the first few months, no doubt about that.

Everyone thought they weren't naughty as they were girls.

And you always laughed at that, they were little heathens who would always try your patience till your last nerve.

They followed their father's path on the way to mischief, always pranking you and Harry both, scaring you sometimes.

There was no place where you could hide the cookie jar, although they couldn't tolerate each other, they would still always together solve the mystery of where you hid things from them.

One day you come home and find the whole house covered with drawings of what looked like buildings and dresses with crayons.

"Look mommy our Barbies are going shopping!"

You crossed your arms and waited for Harry as he was going to be the one who would clean up.

It was his glorious idea to let them keep drawing at random places in the house, to enhance their creativity.

The house was always in chaos, with the girls running around and fighting.

"Ellie! Come here stop hitting your sister!"

"But Anna started it!" Elena says with her little chubby cheeks puffing up.

"They take after you in this area," Harry says to you.

"What do you mean Mr Holland?" You ask, raising your eyebrow.

"Well you know, you have a thing for fighting"

"Excuse me?"

Harry knew he was in big trouble.

Other times, when they were somehow calm, you would sit on the front porch with them at night and tell them about the different constellations in the sky.

"But that doesn't even look like a bear!" Elena says pointing at the sky

"I know baby but back then people thought it was"

"Well back then people were stupid"

"Okay let's not say that in front of anyone else" You chuckle.

And for getting them to sleep, you would sing them Disney songs as lullabies.

Everyday they would ask you to sing a song from a different movie.

"Frozen! Mommy sing us that Frozen lullaby today!" They exclaim together.

You pull them closer and start singing, slowly stroking your finger on Annalise's forehead and she dozed off in a minute.

Elena looked over at her sister and laughed at how she always fell asleep first, missing out on extra cuddles.

All through that, Harry would watch from the doorway, completely in awe of your little family.

He would always think to himself what he had done to deserve all of it, to deserve you.

But whatever it was, he was extremely grateful for that, he loved you and your daughters with all his heart and you knew it.

He would hold you from behind after you close the door to the girls' room.

"Are they asleep?"

"I don't think Ellie is asleep, she never sleeps until you kiss her goodnight," You say.

"Alright I'll go and see"

You lay on the bed for like five minutes when Harry comes back.

"Okay they're asleep, shall we?" He says smirking to you.

"We shall"

Taglist-

@tombob2005 @fallinfortom @spidey-reids-2003 @halfblood-princess-505 ​ @notsosmexy @icyhollands @soft-petey @ladykxxx08 @purpleskiesstorm ​ @theamazingtomholland ​ @im-salt-but-not-salty ​ @musicalkeys ​ @call-me-baby-gir1 ​ ​@whatthefuckimbisexual @mischiefmanaged011 @theliterarymess @bishhhh ​ @tenebrous-lacuna ​

[chilling-seavey]

OH MY GOSH OKAY SINCE WE'RE DOING THE CHRISTMAS WRITING PARTY CAN U WRITE ONE FOR PASSCHENDAELE WHERE IT'S THE FIRST CHRISTMAS AFTER THE WAR OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT? OR OR OR THE CHRISTMAS TRUCE

Love the idea of the Christmas Truce and I forgot I actually had this one planned since the beginning! For those of you who don’t know, The Christmas Truce of 1914 was a true event that happened, where British and German soldiers left their trenches on Christmas Day and celebrated together in peace. 

Get your tissues ready.

Also thank you to @janav21 for helping me with some German translations xx

T/W Mentions of war violence, death, the honest truth the deep down all humans are good, and the first seeds of what would later stem into PTSD

December 24, 1914

“Post for you, Lance Corporal Seavey.”

Through the darkness of the night, Christian raised his head from the side of the trench to look up at the man standing in front of him and holding out a brown paper wrapped package. With shivering hands in gloves that didn’t do much to keep in the heat, Christian reached up to take it from him, the men sharing stiff nods as thanks and acknowledgment before the man continued down the lines.

It was a particularly cold night and the ground was frozen with fresh fallen snow, stained red in places from battles and brown in places from upturned soil made from shells but the light flurries that fell through the silent night made it feel somewhat peaceful. Christian pulled at the string and opened his package, the first thing on the top being an old family photograph of his parents and his younger brother and younger sister and him from years earlier when they were small. He smiled warmly at the memory, missing them more than ever on Christmas Eve. Normally they would be sitting by their Christmas tree and singing carols and drinking warm mugs of tea around the fire but instead, he was sat all alone in frozen stiff soil trenches in the middle of Belgium. The next item was a letter tucked on top of a small bar of chocolate. Christian smiled at the gift and unwrapped the corner of it to take a bite.

The crack of the cold coca from his teeth seemed to nearly echo through the barren wasteland the British army found themselves in, but Christian smiled bashfully to himself as he let the sweet flavour melt in his mouth. As he ate his treat, he unfolded his letter from his mother to read her near weekly correspondence.

My Darling Christian,

Christmas is not the same without you. Anna and Daniel and I decorated the tree together last week and there was no one to put the star on top. Daniel took your job instead but he had to stand on a chair and nearly toppled right off! You would have had such a laugh with us. I couldn’t resist a year without at least giving you something small so I hope this chocolate bar suffices – we are not allowed to send anything larger. I hope next Christmas I will see you home again as I miss you terribly. The world over here seems so much darker without you around, my sunshine, but I am sure you are bringing your bright spirits wherever you go. Please write me and let me know how Christmas is celebrated in Belgium (although I know you are most likely already writing an essay for me!). Your weekly letters make me miss you more but they let me know that you are well and safe.

I love you, my sweet angel. Happy Christmas.

Mum xx

Christian sniffled and folded the letter to tuck it back into his inside breast pocket along with the photograph of his family. With one more bite of chocolate, he folded it back up and tucked it in his pack before letting his eyes close and his head rest back against the wall of the trench, light snowflakes falling against his face that took a while to melt with the chill that coated his pale skin. He would reply to his mother later as it was getting late, and the usual waiting game was sending Christian into a restful state.

It wasn’t long before a noise could be heard in the distance and a few of the British men quickly snapped to attention to see what was happening out in the darkness of No Mans Land. Christian sat up too, locking in on the soft tune that was drifting through the nighttime air. The words were incomprehensible but the tune was more than familiar.

“What the bloody hell is that?” one of the men whispered.

“It…It’s Silent Night, sir.” Christian answered quietly.

The higher ups turned to the Lance Corporal as if forgetting the young man could even speak. A small group had gathered in their section of the trenches, all the men bundled up in their jackets and gloves as they listened to the German soldiers singing Christmas carols from a few many yards away.

Stille Nacht, heilige Nacht!

Alles schläft, einsam wacht

Nur das traute, hochheilige Paar.

Holder Knabe im lockigen Haar,

Schlaf in himmlischer Ruh,

Schlaf in himmlischer Ruh.

The British soldiers stood in silence as they listened, a few humming quietly to themselves as if afraid to make their presence aware to the enemy. Finally, one of the newer men sang first, his curly hair falling from under his cap and his glasses slightly fogged up from his warm breath through the cold night, joining right in along side the Germans,

Silent night, holy night!

Shepherds quake at the sight!

A few more men joined in, Christian included,

Glories stream from heaven afar;

Heavenly hosts sing Al-le-lu-ia!

And soon everyone was singing together in harmony,

Christ the Savior is born! / Christ, der Retter ist da!

Christ the Savior is born! / Christ, der Retter ist da!

By the final verse, both sides of the front lines were singing loudly together, their voices carrying across the vast expanse of fields and raising high into the night sky. Half in English and half in German, they sang in one choir,

Stille Nacht, heilige Nacht! / Silent night, holy night

Gottes Sohn, o wie lacht / Son of God, oh, love's pure light

Lieb aus deinem göttlichen Mund, / Radiant beams from Thy holy face

Da uns schlägt die rettende Stund, / With the dawn of redeeming grace

Christ, in deiner Geburt, / Jesus, Lord at Thy birth

Christ, in deiner Geburt. / Jesus, Lord at Thy birth

When the song concluded, silence fell once again over the battlefields, the snow falling steadily around them. Christian smiled a little to himself at the momentary peace and tucked in for the night with his family photograph held right against his heart.

December 25, 1914

As the sun rose on Christmas morning, the British soldiers wished each other ‘Happy Christmas’ as they started their usual breakfasts or morning duties. It wasn’t long before one of the higher ups was ordering a rise to arms and Christian snatched up his rifle with the rest of the men to get into position.

“There’s a man over there.” the soldier said, peering through the viewfinder out across No Mans Land. “He’s holding his hands up in their trenches.”

The British cocked their rifles.

“Don’t fire!”

“He’s unarmed.”

Christian peeked up over the edge of the parapet and someone grabbed his shoulder to pull him back down to safety. He shrugged him off and leaned back up again, watching the German man walk shakily and slowly out of his trench and onto the fresh fallen snow of the battlefield, hands raised and any weaponry missing.

Christian was a man who had too much trust in people – at least up to the end of 1914 – and he didn’t think twice before dropping his rifle to the floor of the trench as well as his pack of grenades and bullets and stood up on the fire step with his own hands raised.

“Lace Corporal Seavey, what the hell are you doing?” his Lieutenant snapped.

“Must be a trap! You’re gonna get bloody well blown up!” another added from farther down.

But Christian climbed carefully out of the safety of the trench, his heart hammering in his chest as he touched the crisp white snow of the Belgian field and shakily got to his feet to face the enemy. A few more German men climbed out of their trenches followed by a few British and soon the two sides were meeting in the middle. It was silent except for the chilly winter wind that whistled across the land and the crunching of snow under military boots. Christian fell to a stop in front of the young man opposite him, the German’s face looking just as hesitant as Christian’s himself. He had the nicest grey eyes Christian had ever seen and he offered out his hand with a nervous smile tugging at his lips. Christian looked down at his outstretched hand before taking his handshake.

“My name is Christian.” he spoke slowly.

“My…name…is Heinrich.” the man replied.

“Pleased to meet you, Heinrich.” Christian said.

“Freut mich, dich kennenzulernen.”

The enemies seemed to group up and well wishes of Merry Christmas is English and German moulded as one and chatter rose across the Belgian fields. Handshakes were shared and photographs were taken and tensions felt like they had vanished. Christian pulled out his unfinished chocolate bar and offered a piece to his new friend.

Heinrich grinned and nodded, taking a small square with icy hands and a warm, “Danke.”

They ate together for a moment in calm silence, both a little shy but their bashful smiles were mirrored with near relief.

“Wie alt bist du??”

“Sorry?” Christian looked over at him.

“Uhm…” Heinrich thought for a moment before pointing to his watch and then gesturing up. “Years? You?”

“Oh. I am twenty-four.” Christian answered, showing the numbers with his fingers. “You?”

“Dreiundzwanzig.” Heinrich did the same, showing a two and then a three with his hand.

They shared smiles, cheeks a rosy red in the winter air and the tip of Christian’s nose was turning pink too. He offered Heinrich another piece of chocolate before taking out his photograph from his pocket and stepping closer to show him.

“This is my family.” Christian told him with pride and he pointed to each of his family members, “Father-”

“Vater.”

Christian glanced up at his new friend and nodded in agreement, “Yes. My Vater.” He continued on, “My Mother-”

“Mutter.”

“Sister and brother.”

“Schwester und bruder.”

“Yes. Anna and Daniel.”

“Anna?” Heinrich questioned, looking at Christian with wide shining eyes.

“Yes. My sister.”

Heinrich reached into his own jacket pocket and rummaged around a moment before pulling out his own photograph and held it out to show Christian, the blonde woman sitting graciously in the frame.

“Anneliese. Meine frau.”

“Frau? Wife.” Christian said. “Anna.”

“Yes, my…Anna.”

The young men shared excited grins and another piece of chocolate as a few men around them started singing more carols. Food rations were shared and a few drinks were poured and German and British men were arm in arm and singing loudly together. Heinrich and Christian stuck together, joining in for a few photographs taken by their officers and the group shared a good laugh when one of the German generals slipped on a path of ice and fell on his behind.

Soon, with the heat of the excitement and festivities, jackets were being tossed back into designated trenches and someone brought out a soccer ball, earning cheers from both sides. Small teams were divided up – British against Germans of course – and they played together most of the day, using jackets and canteens as makeshift goal posts as the watching soldiers stood in lines around their little made field. Christian pulled an impressive dive to catch the ball before he was scored on and loud excited cheers erupted from both sides at the move. Heinrich pulled him up from the snowy ground with an offered hand and Christian thanked him with a smile as he brushed himself off.

By the time the sun was starting to set, everyone was taken by surprise; the day had gone by so fast. Newly formed friendship groups said their goodbyes and Christian and Heinrich shared a friendly embrace as well.

“Happy Christmas.”

“Fröhe Weihnachten.” Heinrich held out a ration of cigarettes towards him with a friendly smile. “For…the schokolade.”

Christian didn’t smoke but the gesture was beautiful and he took the small pack within their final handshake, “Thank you.”

“Hope…you see…your Anna soon.” Heinrich spoke slowly through his broken English.

“You too.” Christian said as they dropped hands.

They shared one final nod, as if trying to piece together the incredible goings on of that day and the fact that they had just wholeheartedly trusted the enemy. Both sides were bordering on treason after spending such a day together but they returned to their trenches without another word or a single shot fired. Christian got himself settled with the sun setting and leaving the trenches in darkness, feeling more at peace than he had in a while. He was too tired to write to his mother that night, fading into a sleep stemmed from exhaustion from the day’s unique festivities. Even still, everyone was wondering what the next day would hold and if the truce was a turning point for the beginning of the end of the war.

With daybreak came another attempt of peace, and Christian found himself beaming with excitement as Heinrich and a few German men were making their way over the battlefield again after breakfast. Christian was stood beside the British Lieutenant-Colonel as they had their rifles at the ready out of habit but Christian didn’t even have his finger on the trigger.

One of the German officers who was walking over spoke first from the halfway mark between their front lines, “You still got the armistice?”

Christian started to stand up to join them but the ringing of a single shot rang through the barren fields before he could move. He watched as Heinrich fell backwards, shot right through the head until his blood was staining the fresh white snow and his grey eyes staring lifeless into the sky. The cold face of the British Lieutenant-Colonel was unphased as they were propelled into another battle by that single shot.

Another battle where they were forced to kill those they just celebrated with a mere day before, with whom each side shared stories and photographs and treats. Now, both sides were forced back into the usual way of the war under orders of their stern officers who claimed the only way to win was to gain their ground. Christian sat alone that night, a blank parchment on one knee, the pack of German cigarettes on his other, and the vision of Heinrich’s lifeless eyes in his mind. He sat there for nearly an hour trying to figure out what to say to his mother, only getting as far as her name scribbled shakily in the top left corner.

Christian didn’t smoke but that night he pulled one of the cigarettes from the German ration and borrowed a light from another soldier and he let himself sit against the side of the trench and mourn the loss of a friend. He felt guilty and shameful and disgusted with himself and with the war and with the concept of even being there at all, how each time he pulled the trigger he was killing one of his momentary friends. Good men who were friends and brothers and sons and husbands.

Christian couldn’t get himself to return a letter to his mother. He no longer felt like his mother’s angel that she called him so often. And he never would be again.

[jidai]

jidai’s budget mutuals/friends appreciation

Hi, all! I’m quite late with this but I decided to put a small friends and mutual appreciations post in hopes of brightening up the end of this year a little bit. ❤️ If you were tagged, please make sure to check below for a small little message from me. However, I want to make it very clear that I truly appreciate all of my mutuals. You guys brighten up my dash and always reblog or create so many funny and creative posts. I just wanted to give a few special shout outs to those that have taken out the time to reach out and interacted with me past my ask box or we just see each other often.

The messages are ordered by your URL, so you might have to scroll for awhile before you see your messages. I’m so sorry lmao. 

Happy New Years, everyone!

@25th​​, Nonnie, the Young Genius. bro, remind me how old you are 🧍‍♀️ Like my brain CANNOT fathom the thought that you’re so skilled at SO many things and you’re not even in your twenties??? PLEASE SPARE THE TALENT. i will even accept crumbs. But I’m writing to tell you that you are such a wonderful presence on my dash. I always look forward to your gfx. They’re so SO good and you’re improving from one post to another. Like WOW. Now, you’re even starting an art blog, too? You’re so dedicated to the arts. I respect that a lot. Your hard work and commitment will bring you very far in life, whatever you decide to do. 

I love interacting with you. You’re such a big sweetheart and full of positivity and energy. I look forward to seeing more of your art and gfx ❤️

@biscuitwalk​, Dann, the AK Wiz. Dann, I know you’re not as active on here so idk when or if you will ever read this but I want to say that I miss you and your creations so, so much. I will say it a hundred times over and OVER but you inspire me so goddamn much. You have no fucking idea. Your works are absolutely gorgeous and unique. I can look at it once and I can instantly recognize your style (and your cute lil’ pufferfish <3). The way you utilize colors and implement various techniques, shapes, textures into your work. Goddamn, you’re so good. I always look to your work if I ever need inspiration and they help me brainstorm. God, I wish I could put it into words how much I adore your works.

We didn’t really talk for long but you seemed like such a kind and fun person to be around. I wish you the best in your future endeavors, wherever you are. Stay safe <3

@elriccs, Mirai, the Short King. 🧍‍♀️ ok look I know, I know I’m TERRIBLE at replying to you and I’m so fucking sorry. I absolutely love to talk to you but my dumbass cannot seem to reply in a timely manner LASELKSAL. That’s on me and I gotta do better. Anyways!!! Thank you SO fucking much for always leaving such kind messages on my work. I swear to god you’re one of my biggest hype man and I ALWAYS look forward to reading your tags. They’re so funny and it makes me all tingly and happy inside. Bro, like, you just radiate big fun vibes, bro. I really hope that I can get to know you better so I can just insult you until it’s too late to walk away </3

And of course, let me also remind you that I love your works so much. They way that you utilize your textures and those muted colors... OOMPH *chefs kiss* I will always love--

@lockhvrts​​, Em the Soulsborne GOD. hi em 🥺 it’s been awhile since I’ve had a proper conversation with you and I hope you’re doing okay! I miss you and our conversations where we do nothing but geek out and complain about the game industry lmao. if you manage to read this, I just wanted to let you know I miss your presence here. It’s been kinda dull not seeing your beautiful soulsborne gifs and your game rants. Let’s catch up soon. <3 stay safe and well!

@nathanprescutt, Benn, the Man. BENNNNNNNN.  I love you a lot bro. I know we haven’t had long conversations for some time and I hope I can change that! You were my first friend on this blog and I will always appreciate it. I remember us just geeking out over your works and how I would always send you a gfx request like once a week LMAO. The one thing that I have always appreciated about you was the fact that you’re very opinionated (if not, very vocal on your stance on things) and you hold your ground. There were a few time where you encouraged me to speak on topics that I think I shouldn’t and that stuck with me for quite awhile. I’m still a nervous rambling mess when it comes to debates but just know that the one time you supported me to voice my opinion--I hold it very dear to my heart. 

While I don’t spend much time together, I will always remember our animal crossing session. It was  so much fun just trashing and chilling on your island. Especially the bar :( that bar was fucking AMAZING. Maybe once FFXVI comes out, we can geek out hehe

Also, thank you so much for sending in photos of all your doggos, omg. I miss seeing them so much I hope they’re doing well. Stay hot, my German bro lol. Ich bin sehr dankbar, so eine tolle Freundin zu haben. ❤️❤️❤️

@noxdivina​, Lin the Big Dick Daddy Kind. The church is open for business bitch and I’m here to preach the GOSPEL.

Okay, jokes aside, I’m really happy that we became mutuals. You’ve always give off this like, mysterious cosmic vibe (????? huh). And your selfies just further proves that you are wtf. But you’re always so kind to those that you interact with. You’re an absolutely sweetheart and like I just want to give you a giant hug every time we interact. You’re such a soft human being. It’s so nice being around you. It’s like being tossed in the oven and baked at 250 degrees F for 25 minutes. And to boot you’re really talented, hello? God really said let there be a perfect human being and yeeted you into the universe. Thank you for always leaving such kind messages and words in my DM/askbox/works. I cherish them so much. I hope I can get to know you better in the future bc you’re rad, bro <3

anyways, updated drawing of u and maya:

i always assume you’re in a black fur parka 24/7 and maya is coatless neck down. also deck me with those jacked arms of yours thanks  🧍‍♀️

(edit: fuck i forgot to draw a PARTY HAT ON MAYA IM SORRY)

@rokuseis​, Sei, the Dumber.

i have nothing to say to you go away you banana hater ASELKSAEKL

BITCH, you doo bee getting on my nerve 24/7/365 🧍‍♀️ you were an unexpected but a very welcomed addition to my life. I can’t believe we really went 1 fuckin’ year without speaking to each other and then suddenly our friendship blew up because over a stupid BANANA. Now you gotta deal with me and my stupid, random, crude ass messages daily. I cannot. Clown to clown communication. But thank you so much bitch for being there for me and telling all of these funny ass stories and life experiences.

I know I don’t say it a lot because when we talk it’s literally just dogs barking at each other but I want to make it clear now: I love your humor and vibe so much. You never fail to make me laugh anytime I talk to you and I appreciate it so much. I can’t tell you how many times I felt better after talking to you. Even though sometimes your fucking jab hits hard and I end up actually inSULTED BY IT. But thank you for becoming my friend and I look forward to all of our stupid moments together. Looking forward to shitting in your sink when I finally fly to your home <3

@wolfamongthem, Anna, the Grinch. Please don’t hurt me for that title. I'm just saying if someone needs a live casting, it’ll be u. Anyways, did you know that I was so fucking intimidated by you for a long ass time, even before we became mutuals aseljas LMAO. I always see your gifs around on explore and they’re so gorgeous and then I look at your text posts and it’s u roasting people like there’s no tomorrow- 🧍‍♀️ bitch I was SCARED OF U KSKS. Now that I’ve talked to you a few times, you’re really funny like where do you find those reaction memes????? Like bro you and your shitposts is my morning cup of coffee. 

Anyways, in 2021 I expect a full-fledge review of all AAA games from you-- no more shit talking in the tags let it all out BITCH. Thank you for being such a great mutual! I look forward to see what weird shit you will send me the next time we talk lmao

@zenien​​, Selm, the I’m-gay-for-Lady-Maria-or-anything-that-moves-in-BB-Bitch™. ok bitch if I’m being honest I wrote yours last so my brain is FRIED. so everything i say from here is raw from the HEARt cause that’s all I got left. But anyhow, we savin’ the best for last! honestly, i didn’t expect you to barge into my life like that. i really didn’t. i was just gonna keep admiring with my 7 feet (2.1336 meters) pole. I’m glad you made the first move because look where we are wtf 🧍‍♀️ friends??? I wouldn’t believe you if you told me that in 2014 when I first followed you lmao. 

You’re such a kind soul. I know you may disagree but I’m determined to convince you. I can’t tell you how much I want to thank you for taking the time to talk to me during my rough bits. It’s like sitting on a wooden bench in a park during sunset and you sit next to me, just enjoying the vast sky. You radiate such peaceful energy. It’s very calming. Or you know, 2 seconds later i’m suddenly suplexed by your 40 tons of insults like what-- 

Thank you for everything, so far. Truly. It’s been so fun listening to you talk about your Bloodborne journey and see your reactions live. It’s been so fun to see you post your graphics and it continues to blow me away. It’s been so fun hearing about your life and the stories of your adulthood. Every words that we have exchanged, I hold dearly to my heart--more than you ever know. Love u bitch.

[piraticalarchive]

LUCAS ! have I told you lately that I love you because I really do !! you're an absolute blessing on my dash and in my life and I just had to send you some love <3

Aanna, anna, ANNA !!! I read this at like 7:45 this morning or something and immediately wanted to respond but typing long things on my phone can be so hard lmao. And of course I needed to type a long thing because I need to tell you how much I appreciate and value you!! I don't even remember there being like an awkward stage of like 'do i approach? do i not approach? what do i do now?' once we became mutuals - i swear its like we just went for it. Your muses are just so fucking good and I can't get enough of them. The wide range of them and the possibilities with each and everyone and the history and the lore, i just .. !!! Of course I need to wax poetically on about Isabela because I love her. She has always been one of my favorite characters and over the years I've noticed that fanon either treats/writes her as one end of a spectrum or the total other - but you're not afraid to delve into both sides. She uses her sexuality to her advantage (boy oh boy has killian met his match lmaooo) and she is so strong and her motivations, thanks to you, are so much easier to understand and connect with since you develop them even further than the realm of canon. I am loving her and killian interacting like holy crap??? That initial antagonism of like 'mate idk what their history is but theres definitely somethign there, also apparently theyre rivals and it just sort of escalated so fast and their dynamic is so fun. I can't get enough of her or the way you write her or the layers that keep getting uncovered with them through every random encounter we throw them into. Aside from Isabela though like, you have a million muses I'd love to interact with as well. Lets get that going please.

and you - lets talk about you. A joy, a wonderful presence, a fantastic friend. I know you have been going through it lately and I know work etc has been super stressful and that the current situation isn't ideal .. but I hope you finally get that bit of rest and relaxation you deserve in order to find your center once more. You are someone I love talking to and I know we don't do it too often (im the flipping worst at communication im so sorry) but every time we do I always end up grinning. Never leave. You're stuck with me forever.

[thrillridesz]

saw this and think it's real fun so could you pair your moots with a tbz member who they're most similar with in terms of personality?

hello! i’m sorry this is a little late but i finally found a bit of time to sit down answer this ^^ also please don’t be offended if i didn’t include you here, i just went with the names i thought of immediately when the tbz member comes to mind! ><

sangyeon - @moondustaeil

i’ve said this a lot of times and i’m going to say it again. of all my moots, amber is the closest in terms of personality wise to sangyeon! they both make people feel really safe around them and can always be depended on. they are also mature beyond their years and tbh amber just gives me sangyeon vibes...

jacob - @ihearttbz

riane is so sweet and kindhearted, just like jacob. they are both complete angels and they were they talk is just really soft and comforting somehow? i feel like they are both the ones to look out for everyone else before themselves and are people you would love to engage in 3am talks with and talk about anything at all.

younghoon - @jyeonvoir 

i know i said elsie gave me juyeon vibes and i dang near paired her with juyeon again here but at further thought, i thought she might be more like bbang instead. like younghoon, i think elsie can be rather reserved at first but when you start to talk to her, she’s actually really nice and easy to talk to. i’m not actually sure how to explain it but it’s a gut feeling for this one, somehow pairing her with juyeon on this one would feel wrong.

hyunjae - @bobagyu

these 2 people are so funny and their humour is so direct and similar that sometimes i wonder if i’m talking to hyunjae 2.0 but rose ver. the way rose talks and responds to things reminds me a lot of hyunjae. you guys know how hyunjae is always so straightforward and is known to speak his mind? that’s rose as well.

juyeon - @sankyeom

belle and juyeon are alike because i always saw them as the highly talented type but are also incredibly low key and humble about their own achievements. juyeon seems like the kind of guy to really be dedicated to his work, giving himself very high standards and idk why but that’s how i see belle as well. there’s also this softness to the both of them that kinda makes me want to give them a big hug.

kevin - @kpophours

anna is a perfect example of someone who knows when to be serious and when to play around, just like kevin. i feel like her advice is always pretty sound and what she says is what i can imagine kevin saying as well. we haven’t been talking lately but i rmb being so relaxed around her and even at our first convo, i didn’t feel awkward at all. 

chanhee - @tidalstorm

seeing amal’s tags on her posts always makes me think of chanhee for some reasons and just the way she talks too? like she’s sweet and friendly but internally i feel like there’s this sassiness that i normally would associate with chanhee. it’s like they have a soft aura but there’s a little bit of a kick to them as well!

changmin - @atbzkingdom + @fluffytbz

i know we always think of changmin as a very happy go lucky kinda guy ( bruh as im typing this he’s having a vlive LMAO ok by anyways ) and i feel like dee is like that but i think beneath that happy go lucky exterior, they’re both also very introspective people who are actually very mature in their thinking and very intellectual as well. they are people who know how to have fun and you think that that is all there is to them when it’s not the case.

rosie is a huge ball of fluff like changmin tbh!! they’re both so cute and adorable and i think that the way they talk is also quite similar? you know how changmin’s voice is always so upbeat even though he may just be talking in a very casual manner? yeah, i think that’s how i imagine rosie to sound like! honestly? mad changmin vibes from this girl

haknyeon - @mae-gi-writes

at first i wanted to say kevin but after a little bit more thinking, i’m going to say haknyeon. i feel like haknyeon and mae are the kind of ppl you’d turn to if you just want to be completely random and weird around bc you can trust them to act just the same around you. they are both the type of the people you’d love to be best buds with and when you hang around them, you never know what you’re gonna get because one moment they can be quiet, the next they can be the wildest and most boisterous ppl you meet.

hyunjoon - @aveluant1a + @thepixelelf

yu is basically hyunjoon and every bit as cool and chill and catlike as he is imo. she’s not someone of many words, like hyunjoon but when she does say stuff, it’s always very meaningful and well thought out. sometimes her perspective on stuff are from povs that i’ve never thought of exploring at all so talking to her always feel like im learning something new along the way and it’s just like how i think talking to hyunjoon would be like as a guy who had so much happen to him both good and bad.

idk if casey knows this but she’s one of the very first tbz writers that i followed and i’ve read her earliest works and i just rmbed being so awestruck by them? the artistry is actually unbelievable and when i read her stuff, i feel like i can detect this flair in her work that i like to associate with hyunjoon. like they’re both very committed to their work and have this individualistic, unique flair in them. they way she interacts with ppl is also very calm and logical, like hyunjoon which i admire as well! (p.s idk if you rmb but i think i once requested a juyeon drabble from you (#59) and it’s still one of my fav tbz works on tumblr EVER  )

sunwoo - @beomberry

didn't need to think twice lol for sunwoo lol, it’s def gonna be anie. they both care so much for the ppl around them and also put in a lot of effort in everything they do like have you seen anie’s works? the headers and the story... everything is so well executed and you can see how much effort she puts into them. but the biggest similarity is that they’re both not afraid to be themselves and i think that’s what i like so much about them.

eric - @chaoticdeobi + @sunkisseddwoo

yo the amount of energy bea has is freaking insane sometimes. it’s a sort of radiant energy that she exudes that makes you want to hang around with her and just befriend her. talking to bea always makes me so happy and i sometimes catch myself smiling as i’m texting her because that’s the kind of effect she’d have on other ppl! in that aspect, she's like eric imo bc i get the same feeling when im like watching crack tbz videos that feature eric ><

alesha, i would say resembles the softer side of eric. the more mellow but nonetheless cheery version of eric, if that makes sense? alesha is honestly a very lovely person and i think she really takes the time to build on her relationships with others, such as being there for others and making them feel valued much like how i think eric is like!

[bluesora]

ya’ll really going to be out there making me cry is that it ??? i took one small break and suddenly everyone’s making my heart brust with uwuwuwu and love and istg cheese cult is out there trying to kill me with their love 🥺💕

let me be sappy while my i ride out my writer’s block right now! (there’s no order to this ok)

@akaashichigo

jem bby (´°̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥ω°̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥｀) thank you for creating a goddamn cult lmao,, the amount of positivity and love from it is so wholesome. i’m so happy i took the courage to talk to you and joined your tumblr gc. it all started from there, and now it blossomed into something so amazing. ilysm!!!!!

@drainedjaz

jaz bby (*´ω`*) thank you for being so friendly and breaking the ice for everyone !! it made the whole conversation carry forward a lot easier and i’m so amazed at your free and beautiful soul, i love you so much !!!!! pls give me a fridge!

@cali-writes-sometimes

maddie bby (о´∀`о) thank you for rounding up our cheese cult bbys and making a list almost everything !! your cheese edits, omg do i even need to say much?? how are u so talented aiwnzjjwks i love my organized bby 👀!!!! hehe

@annalyn-annalyn

anna bby ٩( 'ω' )و thank you for your cheese crack fics you have no idea how amazing it was to be able to write that oanwisjwksk the amount of talent??? ur brimming with it and i love you so much my dear please know that !!!!!

@estherwritess

aster bby (*⁰▿⁰*) even though i know you’re busy with your finals and being in nursing isn’t easy but i want to say i’m so glad to be able to meet you and i’m proud of you and to hear u say you’re close to me? my heart bursted. ilysm!

@ushiwakaa

wifey (〃ω〃) thank you for being such a lovely and supportive wife !! you have no idea how much my heart just go uwuwuwu for you and even though you’re the sun to my moon, i will always love you so much my dear ♡

@pineapplekween

vic bby (๑>◡<๑) thank you for being such a sweet and kind soul my heart just melts whenever i see you online. your voice is so pretty and adorable when you speak in english, also that ushi smut? im proud! kocham Cię !!!!!

@kxgeyamasmilk

risse bby (*´꒳`*) thank you for being such a sweetie and lmao singlish? chinese? yes. your bod control? yes. just have a whole harem for yourself my love lmao. i love our late night wholesome conversations so much ilysm !!!!!!

@from-left-to-write

lee bby ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) you kinky lil shit i love you. your singing? floored. your laughter? floored. your big brain imagination? yes. i’m so proud of you bby for writing that sakusa fic, i can’t wait to see more of your beautiful talent bby girl! ilysm!

@milkandc00kiez

ellie bby (๑˃̵��˂̵) my cutiepie !!! you’re so adorable dear thank you so much for being such a sweet lil honey tea i can list so many pet names for you i—i love you so much dear, ok? ok! the wholesome conversations we have? i love it !!!!!

@raevaioli

raenah bby ( ✌︎'ω')✌︎ my fellow local, you have no idea how much i love your writing aisnxiwnkaj upgrading from a fan to friend? you can just have my heart dear omg. and you’re such a sweet soul too raeji is my ult ship now. ilysm !!!!

@mlkytobio

chloe bby =(^.^)= my other fellow local, you cutiepie i love you so much !! why are you so cute? that yamz req?? you nailed it!! i’m so happy to have met you bby, please continue and let’s meet up ok? lets upgrade this r/s !!!!!

@akaashit-baeji

chloe bby (*^^*) even though you rare pop in now as compayti before, it doesn’t mean my love for you is any less ok? i love you so much and i love your cute writings too !!! i hope sakusa and akaashi will continue to run u over!!!

@kawanisshi

ash bby (ㆀ˘･з･˘) you exposed me >( but i still love you hehe !! i can’t wait to read that story you’re brewing dear !! my fingers are tingling knowing it’ll be so amazing so don’t hold back and go all out okay love?? i love you so much !!!!

@shishinoya

audrey bby Σ੧(❛□❛✿) you are so funny?? your humor is top notch and your voice? hngh. i love you so much bby, why are you so pretty my heart can’t take it!! just run me over with your beauty alr oof :’)) can’t wait 4 smth special 👀!!

@bubbleteaa

ana bby (*´∀`)♪ you lil akwnsiwjsk thanks for wreacking me yesterday huh. my heart? what that? gone for good lmao. i love you so much dear, pls collect ur harem. u r amazing at it. and you’re beautiful bby, i love your selfies so much!

@ouikarwa

riss bby (*･ω･)ﾉ thank you for so many things omg i dont even know where to start uwu your smut fics? ur edit? ur amazing writing? your swet messages? you telling me to sleep? lmao there’s so many and i just love you so much!!!!!!!

@agaassi

ae ra bby (^з^)-☆ you, my dear, stop attacking my heart with your beauty and cuteness lmao. innocence? wht that when you are overflowing with so much charisma!!! i love how opinionated and strong you are dear !! aetsumu ?? I SHIP IT!!

@haikkeiji

ana bby (*^▽^*) my most precious lil bby bub omg you have no idea how soft i am for you dear !!! i wanna kidnap you in my lil pocket and just shower you with so much love !!! you’re so adorable and mature!! i appreciate you so much

@airybby

airy bby (//∇//) morning before work thirst? end of work thirst? lmao bby you’re making me die from all those photos you sent on a daily aiwnsijwkaj i will invite to my funeral istg !! but i still love you so much so i guess we are even 👀

@simping4ratsumu

mya bby ٩(๑❛ᴗ❛๑)۶ i love you my bby boo! thank you for being so supportive and i’m so proud of you for taking time out to heal. know that i’ll always be here for you, so come to me if you need anything all right dear?? i love you bb !!!!

—

i’m running out of words and emoticon to express my constant love for y’all so please forgive me. thus, my writer’s block. just know that my love isn’t any less for those i didn’t write for ok? yall are still my bbys and i will fite anyone who hurt your delicate heart!! my dms, pms, asks, anyway to contact me will always be open for anyone who wants my 2cents of advise/deep conversations about life or controversial topics. life is shit, but we have each other <3 

@miyuswriting @thiccbokuto @sosugasweet @hanibuni @wakaitoshi @shinsukestan @heccingdead @kawaiikraykray @skiyoosmi @briswriting @fern-writes-ig @daiseukis and all 100+(?) members??? omg idk my brain is fried im sorry for those i did not tag uwuwuwu

[youredoingkinwrong]

Hii uh I think I might kin a few characters but there's just. So much information on the internet and you seem to be really educated on the history of kin. So like, how can I know I'm for real? Is it necessary to have memories? Is it proper to say "in my canon?" But mainly how do I know km not fake and my mind is playing tricks on me?

Sorry just read your about saying not to ask you if you think I'm valid and I guess thats what I did. Sorryyyy. I'm just really lost and there's so much in the internet you're literally the most knowledgeable person I've found in the past hour

Sorry also the last two asks Anna also sorry for apologizing so much. But let me correct myself. I realised newly what otherkin is, and while some of it immediately resonated with me and some characters I've known forever, im still new to the culture of otherkin

Hi anon! I am really, really sorry about the wait on getting these asks answered. Like I’ve said before, my work schedule kind of sucks, and I don’t usually have a lot of time to hope onto the computer and answer asks. I could do it on my phone, but I feel like it’s easier for me to focus when I’m on my laptop. 

That being said, let’s get into it, shall we?

I don’t think this necessarily counts as you asking me if you’re valid or not. You’re asking for help discerning whether or not your mind is playing tricks on you, because this is new to you (or at least, applying the concept of being ‘kin to yourself is new), and it can be very scary! There’s no need to apologize for reaching out to someone who might be able to help.

As for “is your mind playing tricks on you”... there is no way for me to personally confirm whether or not you’re ‘kin. There’s not really a set list of requirements for being other- and fictionkin, aside from “the identity is not voluntary” and “you identify as, not with”. I can’t give you a checklist that you can peruse through and reach a solid, undoubtable conclusion regarding your potential nonhuman identity. I would if I could! 

But our experiences as a community are so varied that there really is no one way to be ‘kin, so there’s no one way to know for sure. That’s, personally, why I do love being alterhuman - I think there’s something beautiful about looking inside yourself for the answers.

The advice I can offer you is to take a deep breath and maybe take a step back. There’s no rush to know anything right away. You’re got your whole life to figure it out. It sounds like you had some sort of click when first learning about ‘kin, and I think that’s absolutely worth looking into, but keep in mind that questioning can take months or even years. Sometimes it doesn’t - some of my strongest kintypes i just knew, and hardly questioned at all - but especially in the beggining, when you’re new to this all, I think it’s worth it to take your time. Meditate on it, or if you can’t meditate, keep some kind of journal regarding your thoughts and feelings - I recommend a physical journal, one you can write in with a pen or pencil, but if that’s unavailable then perhaps a sideblog or a word document would do as well. 

For the record - no, you don’t have to have memories to know you’re ‘kin. People are otherkin for a multitude of reasons, and not all of us have believe our kintypes are the result of a past life, so of course some ‘kin don’t have memories. That doesn’t make their identity any lesser than anyone else’s. And not everyone has canons, much for the same reason! It’s definitely common, and I have quite a few canons that I like to talk about, but it’s not exactly required on the curriculum here. 

Knowing that you’re ‘kin is an intense process. it involves getting to know yourself, which some might say is a very difficult thing to do. Internal discernment can be tough to understand at first, but once you get the hang of it, it can be a nice feeling. And at the end of the day, if you realize that you’re not ‘kin after thinking that you were, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that. 

If you need more help or have any more questions to ask, please do so! I’ll try to answer as quickly as I can.

[tavi-hayes]

challenge five ~ a night to remember

((this is longgg (12k) please please please ignore the spelling/grammar errors. also this is the best i could do when it comes to writing, i’m sorry. big thanks to all the lovely people who did rps with me. pia @brookelynnsanders​ and ana @itzelbm-oc​ you two are wonderful, i can’t believe i got to be a part of a britzel rp! chris @leanarg​ my hero, thank you for fixing tavi’s dress and helping me with a specific part of this fic, i seriously wouldn’t have been able to do it without you, and also thank you for that fun rp! and finally anna @hugo-stanton​ thank you for the nice rps, you always bring a smile to my face! finally to anyone who is going to read this, enjoyyyy!))

The reflection in the mirror is staring back at me. It’s weird seeing myself with straightened hair instead of curls. It had taken my maids over an hour to create this hairdo, working with two hair straighteners at the same time.

I reach up a hand to touch it, but Carla appears out of nowhere and she slaps my hand away. “Do not touch your hair,” her voice is firm, but the usual sharp sting is not there right now. That’s a first. “Your sweaty hands will ruin all of our hard work.” She pushes a towel into my hands, ordering me to dry them. I quickly and quietly do as she says. My hands aren’t even that sweaty.

I place the towel on the sink and look back into the mirror again. This dress is unreal, hugging my body in all the right places. It makes me look elegant yet fierce and maybe even a little sexy, but of course it’s still appropriate for a ball.

My only problem with this dress is the colour: white. Prior to the ball, we’re supposed to attend a dinner and that may be the biggest obstacle of all. If I spill even a tiny bit of food on myself, the beautiful and soft fabric of my dress will be ruined.

A knock on the door startles all three of us. My maids exchange a look I can’t quite place. Carla grabs me by my elbow and turns me around so I’m facing her. She quickly looks me up and down with a critical look in her eyes. “Don’t clasp her hands together during the photo moment. It will look like your protecting your… you know.”

That is something I never thought I would hear her say. But based on her stern facial expression and the earnest tone in her voice, I can tell that she isn’t joking. I quickly unclasp my hands and let my arms hang besides my body instead. Carla gives me a nod, “better.” She pushes me towards the door at the same exact moment Willa opens it.

“Hello,” someone says in a deep voice I don’t recognize, “I’m here to escort Lady Octavia.”

I need an escort now?

I step into the doorway and the unknown man makes me a little bow. He seems to be around my age so that’s kind of a relief. At least I’m not accompanied by some weird older creep.

His eyes really stand out, they’re a dark shade of brown with a little sparkle in them. They remind me of Bambi’s eyes.

As a way of greeting, I curtsy. But it doesn’t go as smoothly as I had hoped, given that it’s a skill I still hadn’t mastered. The eyes of my maids are burning in my back, I will definitely hear about this later.

The guy offers me his arm and I gladly take, eager to get away from Willa and Carla because let’s be honest they could scold me for that poor attempt of a curtsy right now.

When I look back at them, for the first time I think I might see a positive emotion on their faces. Could they be proud of me? Or maybe they’re just happy to see me gone for one evening? It’s probably the second option.

If someone had told me 6 months that I would be attending a ball in the palace, I would have called them crazy. But now here I am and it’s happening. Life can be very unexpected.

I wonder if my family would even recognize me if they could see me now. Right now I look nothing like the Tavi from back home. She only ever wore band tees and jeans, earphones in during most of the day. And there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. It’s just that the difference between that Tavi and the one here in the palace is remarkable. The one here, me, looks presentable and put together. She wears dresses and heels and she spends most of her time in the library, reading law books. But it isn’t just my appearance that changed, it’s the inside as well. I have learned that not everyone in the higher castes is the same; that my family and friends mean the absolute world to me and I miss them terribly; and most importantly that it’s okay to talk about the shit in my past, because there are people willing to listen.

“Lady Octavia?”

“Yes,” I say, suddenly realizing we’ve almost reached the dining hall. All the other girls are already here, waiting for the doors to open. I turn to Bambi who has a content look on his face. I let go of his arm. Now that we’re just waiting, there is no need to hold on to him. “Sorry, I didn’t catch your name?”

“It’s Jakob Condle,” the smile on his face reaches his eyes. I don’t know what to say in return so I just nod. Thankfully someone calls out to him, saving me from this awkward moment. He excuses himself before he walks a little further down the line of people.

I sigh in relief, grateful for his chatter to be directed at someone else for the time being. He is the first palace staff member, or whatever his function here is, that I’ve met who talks this much. Not that I’ve met that many of them, but I thought they would only give you necessary and clear instructions, like my maids did. But okay, maybe he just needed someone to listen to him.

“How are you tonight?”

I recognize the voice immediately, it belongs to someone who I enjoy talking to. I turn in the direction of the speaker. “Oh hello,” I return the smile Hugo is giving me. “I'm alright thank you. What about you? Excited for the ball?”

“I'm mostly okay and mostly excited. Are you ready for it?”

“I think so, I don't really know what to expect.” Now that he’s glancing down the hall, I have the perfect opportunity to look at him without him noticing. Hugo is looking very good, all dressed up like this. Very charming and …

I catch myself: Tavi! Friends remember?

“You look nice by the way.” That’s something one friend can say to another, right?

When he looks back to me, there is a little blush on his face. Did I say the wrong thing? I didn’t mean to make him uncomfortable. “The dress you picked is lovely.” His smile is a bit different from the one I remember so well.

I narrow my eyes a little, I can’t quite put my finger on what the actual difference is. “What's wrong?”

“Nothing!” he says that so quickly that I start doubting whether that’s true. Speaking from my own experiences, I know that saying nothing doesn’t always mean nothing. “Sorry, it's just been a long day.”

“You know you can talk to me, right?” That is the very least I could offer. Especially after he had listened to me rambling about my dad and everything coming with that. “If you want to of course.”

This time, he gives me his normal smile. “It's just that I actually wanted to see if you would want to dance with me later. Only if you want to of course.”

I’m surprised by that, I hadn’t thought anyone would want to dance with me. And why is he asking me this now? He could’ve waited till the actual ball was starting. I don’t mind though, at least now I have something to look forward to. I chuckle softly, “don't be silly, of course I'd want to dance with you.”

If there is anyone I would want to be a witness of my poor dancing skills, it’d be Hugo.

As friends of course.

“I'd love that. Thank you.”

“There is absolutely no need to thank me.” As if I would ever say no to him. But I still get the feeling like something is wrong. I put my hand gently on his arm, “are you sure you're okay?”

“Yeah, I've never been better.” The smile on his face grows bigger and bigger. “I'm just looking forward to tonight.”

A smile appears on my own face, “I'm glad to hear that. Are you a good dancer?”

“I might accidentally step on your foot, full disclosure.”

This dance is going to be great then since my own dancing capacities are very limited. Just the idea of it makes me chuckle. “I can't promise I won't do the same thing to you.”

“I don't mind,” he shrugs. “If anyone's going to step on my feet I'm glad it's you.”

Is that a compliment?  A smile automatically appears on my face. “That's what you're saying now.”

“Then you can ask me after too.” The smile on his face widens.

A hush falls over the crowd, piquing my interest. But I just can’t stop looking at Hugo and his beautiful smile.

Eventually my curiosity gets the better of me and I turn around to find out what caused the sudden silence. Oh. It’s the prince with an unknown woman by his side. I had overheard my maids talking about international royals coming to visit for the ball, so maybe this woman is one of them?

Now what is he doing? Is he laughing? I didn’t know he was capable of that.

And then, a whisper near my ear. “I'll see you later?”

“Of course,” I say as quietly as possible. Whispering is also not one of the things I’m good at and I obviously don’t want to steal any attention away from precious prince Arin.

I shift my gaze to see Hugo back away. He smiles one more time at me before he turns around.

A new presence appears at my side and I turn my head to see who it is. Oh. It’s the guy who’s supposed to escort me, Jakob aka Bambi. He gives me a smile, but it just isn’t the same as Hugo’s. I force myself to smile back as a way of greeting.

He offers his arm again. As I take it, I notice that everyone around us is already in formation. The doors open and one by one us girls are escorted into the dining room.

The first thing I notice are the different tables. We used to be seated on round tables, all spread out in front of the royal table. But now there are 2 rectangular tables facing each other, creating 90 degree angles with the ends of the royal table.

Jakob leads me to my place. It’s almost at the end of the right table, for which I’m glad. I’m almost as far away from the eyes of the important people in this room. So if I make a fool of myself, or spill food on my dress, the only people noticing would be the 2 girls sitting beside me.

I let go of Jakob’s arm, but when I reach for my chair he beats me to it, pulling it away from the table. I mumble a thank you to him, knowing that he probably means well. But still, I’m perfectly capable of letting myself sit down on a chair.

He gives me a quick nod before he disappears.

A couple of minutes later, Brooke appears out of nowhere. “Hey girl.”

“Hi hi. I’m glad to be sitting next to you again.” I truly mean it, there is no better company than Brooke.

“As if they could rip us apart,” she winks as she sits down on the chair on my right.

Well technically they could. “It would be a crime if they did that.” We’ve been mealtime buddies since the beginning. If we ever got different seating assignments and Brooke would no longer be sitting next to me, that would make one quiet meal. I wouldn’t have anyone to talk to.

Once all of us have been seated, the international royals enter the room followed by the Illéan ones. My eyes fall on Hugo. I simply can’t help myself. But who is that girl by his side? Could that be the sister he spoke of? But they look nothing alike, I feel slightly confused.

I decide to avert my gaze and focus on who else enters the room. These royals really know how to dress up for events like these. All of their outfits suit them so well.

Then there comes the prince. The one we were all supposed to fall in love with. Safe to say that didn’t happen to me. I feel like during that awful paintball date we settled into a mutual feeling of dislike. Something could probably be done to fix it, but I hadn’t felt like putting my time and energy into that. And neither had he, to be honest. We hadn’t spoken since that date.

I don’t understand why I haven’t been eliminated yet, he could simply tell me to leave and I’d be gone.

But for the time being I’m kind of grateful that I am still here. I get to spend all the time I want in that library, still hoping to find something that could help my dad. And, I’ve got to spend more time with the nice people I’ve met. I’m not complaining.

* * * * *

When dinner is over everyone is moved into a big ballroom. There are decorations everywhere. I didn’t know iridescent colours could be a theme, but this sure is working and it’s beautiful.

I don’t even know where to look. Everything looks perfect.

In the fuss of switching to another room, I’ve lost sight of Brooke. Now I’m all by myself and don’t really know how a ball is supposed to work. It’s not like I’ve ever attended one before.

I find a nice spot near one of the walls where I can quietly observe the other people in the room. I see people mingling with others, standing near the drink table, or simply doing the same thing as me. There are also people dancing, which seems to be the main event here. Then my eye falls on the orchestra not that far away from me, playing the most beautiful music I’ve ever heard. It’s a great mix of classical music and instrumental versions of popular songs. I know how I’m going to spend my evening.

I have no clue how much time has passed as I’ve been so absorbed by the music, but at some point my gaze lands on Brooke who is just heading my way. “Hello,” I say, smiling at her. “Are you enjoying the ball?”

She doesn’t look to happy. “Not so far…”

“What's wrong?” I tuck some hair behind my ear, just then remembering Carla’s firm words. I wasn’t allowed to touch my hair. Well too late for that now. “Is everything okay?”

“Yeah,” she hums as she looks around. “I just need to get something over within a few.” She turns to look back at me then with a smile on her face but it doesn’t feel that genuine. It doesn’t reach her eyes. “How have you been?”

I still feel a little worried about my friend. What if she got herself in trouble? I really do hope she would tell me, but I don’t want to be annoying so I decide to let it go. For now. “I'm alright thanks.” My eyes go to the many decorations around the room, catching the light every now and then, reflecting all possible colours. “This is quite a party, isn't it?”

“It definitely is,” a sigh escapes her. “I am happy I found a way around wearing one of those gowns...” But then she scoffs and shakes her head, “also have you found the bar already?”

“You look stunning, Brooke,” I say, and I mean it. That power suit is perfect for her, it complements her so well. It’s literally her personality in an outfit. She looks amazing. “I don't know if there is a bar, but I believe there is a table with all sorts of drinks,” I look around, trying to spot the table. But there are too many people crowding around us, I can’t find the table anymore.

My compliment earns me a light smile. “Thank you Tavi. So do you.” Before I even know what’s happening, Brooke grabs my arm and drags me to the drink table. Of course she’s the one who spotted the location of the alcohol.

There are so many different glasses lined up on the table. I’m guessing each type of drink has its own glass but, given my limited knowledge on the matter, I honestly have no clue what it all is. I recognize the ones with champagne though and stay far away from those glasses. Not a fan. “What even is all of this?”

Unlike me, it seems like Brooke doesn’t care what she puts in her mouth. She just grabs the one closest to her and downs it in one go. “No clue.”

I eye the table again. Some glasses are filled with some brownish liquid. I’m not sure if it’s whiskey but I’m not about to try my luck. I don’t have a lot of good experiences with that specific drink. Just thinking about the last time, when Brooke had brought over those bottles, I can already taste the flavour in my mouth. Plus it had given me one of the worst hangovers I’ve ever had. Or maybe that had more to do with the fact that I had finished almost the entire bottle…

I decide to go for some clear drink. Perhaps this is just regular water? I take a little sip, yeah definitely not water. It tastes like a gin-tonic, with a very very distant hint of gin. But alright. I turn around to face the dancefloor again. People are dancing around like they have no care in the world. It’s quite magical to watch them move completely in sync with the music.

“So what's this thing you've got to take care of?”

I slightly tilt my head, waiting for Brooke’s response. Her face tells it all, she’s worried. “Gotta break up with the princey.”

I almost drop my drink. That is not what I was expecting to hear at all. This could only mean one thing. “You're leaving?”

She nods her head, “I didn't come for the love of the prince.” She sighs, but there is also a hint of smile. It lights up her entire face. “But I found love nonetheless.”

Weeks ago, she told me she didn’t think she had ever been in love. And now hearing her say she has found it, I feel so happy for her. I can barely contain my excitement as I grab her arm. “You did?”

“You know Itzel - am I right?”

“Oh my god Brooke!” I throw my arms around her and hug her tightly. I completely forget about the glass I’m holding and my drink spills all over my hand. But I don’t care about that right now. The only thing that matters in this moment is Brooke. “I'm so happy for you.”

“Thank you Tav. Didn't think something like that would ever happen... But it did.”

“You deserve it.” I hold onto her for a little moment longer. When I let go, I find her grinning at me. “Tell me. How did this happen?” She never mentioned anything during mealtimes and I never noticed anything different about her. I do remember the sparkle in Itzel’s eyes every time she mentioned Brooke when we were in the music room though. It makes sense.

“Thank you.” The smile on her face grows bigger and bigger. “You are actually the first person to know.” There is a brief pause. “I just randomly ran into Itzel at my runs a few times. And I don't really know. But she just - it just feels so right being around her. I actually never thought that I... You know. But I actually can't imagine a life without her anymore...”

I can’t help but smile myself, Brooke deserves the absolute world. “That sounds so great. And Itzel is such a kind soul.”

“She is indeed. Shines bright like the stars.” Brooke is practically glowing with happiness.

“Where is she now?” I look around the room but I don’t see Itzel’s face anywhere. Seriously why is Brooke over here talking to me when she could go and have fun with the lady of her heart.

“I haven't seen her yet - but she should show up any minute.”

“Hm,” I don’t recognize the song the orchestra is playing now, so I will definitely have to look into that. The cellos play the most beautiful notes, their sound flowing perfectly through the music created by the rest of the orchestra. But still they manage to stand out among the other instruments. “How are you going to drop the news to the prince?”

“I still haven't found a sensitive way to be honest. I was slightly debating sending him a ‘breakup’ cake.” I can hear the nerves in her laugh.

The thought of a breakup cake makes me laugh, that’s definitely something Brooke would do. “That would have been funny. Do you think he'll be upset or something?”

“Probably more relieved.”

I take a sip from the now half-empty glass in my hands. Such a shame that most of the drink got spilled on the floor. “Then why are you nervous?”

“Cause then it's really real.”

I reach for Brooke’s hand. I wish I could do anything to help but this is something she and Itzel need to do by themselves. “You'll be fine, you deserve happiness and love.”

That’s when Itzel joins us. “Ladies, I hope you are having a wonderful evening now that I have arrived.”

Brooke says something and then winks at Itzel. How did I not know there was something more between them? “Itzel hello! You look gorgeous.” The dress she’s wearing suits her so well, the colour of it really makes the brown in her eyes stand out.

Itzel smiles at me. “Tavi! Awww,” she waves her hand to shrug off my compliment. “And you look stunning! Very sophisticated and ready to rule the world.”

That makes me laugh. Ready to rule the world is definitely the vibe I’m going for. Just hand me crown already.

I thank her anyway.

“And Brooke, you seem ready to break a couple of hearts. Very...” Itzel hums as she looks at Brooke from head to toe. “Ethereal.” Brooke replies with an eyeroll. They’re so adorable, it warms my heart. Then Itzel turns to me with wide eyes. “Oh Tavi. I heard your band and told ya I actually enjoy it. Not what I usually listen to, but definitely have amazing songs.”

“Oh really?” I had forgotten about her promise to listen to my band’s music. “I actually didn't expect you to enjoy our music. But I'm glad you did. Thank you.” The fact that she put in the effort to look for our music makes me smile. We’ve been working so hard on creating our own music for years, making it extra special to hear someone saying they like them. It means the world to me.

Itzel nods her head, “Yep. I actually sent it to my dad and he loved it. Says it's right up his alley. No problem, Tavi.” Before I can reply, she clears her throat and looks between me and Brooke. “So what were you two talking about? It looked quite serious.”

She had talked about her dad during our last encounter. She said music was like an escape for him. Just like it is for me. “Your dad really sounds like a man after my own heart.” Brooke is holding out a drink to me and I take it and thank her. I feel like I shouldn’t be the one to tell Itzel what we had been talking about so I remain quiet, hoping Brooke will open her mouth.

Itzel laughs because of my comment about her father. “What can I say many ladies were, and obviously are still, enchanted by my father.”

I really wonder who would be able to resist a man like her dad. He ticks off all the essential boxes. Too bad he is already married and has children. And I could be his daughter. What a shame. I can’t help but laugh.

No one has answered her question yet, but the laughter has died down, resulting in a silence. Itzel tilts her head, patiently waiting for an answer.

Minutes go by before Brooke finally replies, “ohhh I just told Tavi about the scene we will cause in a few.” She nudges Itzel with her elbow.

“Ah, I see.” She chuckles softly. “It's going to be grand. A good way to end this, at least that's what I think.” Itzel shoulders relax a little, I hadn’t notice how tense she was. I could only imagine what their conversation with the prince is going to be like. It must be nerve-wrecking, having to tell him you’ve found love elsewhere. “If things go south, then I have the necessary help to make a run for it. Me and my beautiful lady.”

I look between the two of them, a warm and fuzzy feeling falling over me once again. “I'm so happy you two found each other.”

“Tavi stop being so sappy.”

I shoot Brooke a look, “sorry I can't help it.” What kind of friend would I be if I didn’t feel any kind of joy for them?

Itzel links her arm with Brooke’s, smiling at me. “Well thank you, Tavi. I'm sure you'll find someone who makes you feel...all these feelings.” I myself am not so sure of that. If only someone would change his mind. But I don’t see that happening in the near future. Or ever.

Brooke and Itzel start talking about a dance. I’m the obvious third wheel here and they deserve to have a moment for themselves. “I take this as my sign to go?”

But that is not what they have in mind apparently. Brooke smirks at me and drags both me and Itzel towards the dancefloor. “No one is getting out of this party without shredding the dance floor with me.”

Itzel laughs at that. “Guess not, Tavi. It's a party and Brooke isn't gonna let us go easily.”

There is nothing I can do to stop this anyway, so I decide to just go with it.

The orchestra is playing the instrumental version of some popular song. Without a dance partner or a list of dance steps to follow, I can now freely move on the beat of the music. Such a relief.

Brooke is doing the same as I am, having fun while breaking into some dance moves. Itzel on the other hand seems to be a little more hesitant. But Brooke manages to twirl her around. They both look so happy with bright smiles on their faces.

I take a few steps backwards to let them have their movement. That’s the least I can do.

At some point, Itzel makes her way over to me pulling Brooke with her. “I'm slightly intimidated by how well you two seem to dance.”

That makes me laugh. “Don't look at me, Brooke is the pro here.” She really has a natural feeling for the rhythm in music, making it all look so very easy. Next to her, everyone else looks more like an amateur.

“Would have been a waste of money if that weren't the case,” Brooke replies.

“Well... I'm going to get a breath of fresh air. You two carry on.” Before Itzel walks away, she plants a quick kiss on Brooke’s cheek.

They really seem like the perfect pair, balancing each other out. Adorable.

“You okay?” I ask Brooke once Itzel has disappeared. Something about her facial expression has changed, perhaps she’s worrying about her upcoming talk with the prince again.

“Yeah...” She sighs deeply and stops dancing. “I just realized it's probably gonna be my last night here.”

I stop dancing as well. I hadn’t realized that she will be leaving the palace so soon, but of course it makes sense. Why would the prince keep her here? “Are you going to miss it?”

“Never thought I'd say it,” she says as she turns to look at me. Her eyes betray her nervousness. “But yes...”

I link my arm with Brooke’s. “Come on, let’s get you another drink.” I know that doesn’t solve anything, but perhaps it could take some of her nerves and worry away.

I let go of Brooke as we reach the drink table again, handing her a drink. “What are you going to miss the most?”

“You... And maybe the food…”

Hearing her say that, breaks my heart. We had walked into this experience together and now she’s leaving. “I'm glad you put me before the food. But I'll miss you too.” Terribly. I know it’s a little selfish, but I don’t want her to leave me behind. Who am I supposed to talk to during mealtimes when she’s gone?

“Was a thin line.” And then she’s pulling me into a hug.

I don’t want to let go of my friend. Can’t she just stay by my side forever?

But I know she can’t, especially now that she has Itzel. They deserve to start a life together. Let them have their happiness.

“Group hug?” Itzel says from behind me somewhere.

I laugh softly, “please join in.” And so she does.

“My loves,” Brooke says, hugging us even tighter.

When we let go of each other, I can’t help but feel very sad. How will I survive this without my friends?

I’m not really listening to what Brooke and Itzel are talking about what else they’re going to miss. Itzel says something about a small forest and by the look on her face I can tell something has happened there. I don’t want to know the details of that.

“Tavi?” Brooke voice brings me back to reality. She’s holding a little eyeliner pencil towards me, “phone number.”

I take the little pencil from her and write down my number on the wrist she’s offering. “You can call me any time, okay?”

“Watch me call you 5 seconds after I left this place.”

Itzel laughs, “or we could kidnap her every now and then, I'm sure she's allowed to leave the palace if she'd like.”

Brooke raises her eyebrows at that. “Promising plan.”

Itzel winks, “exactly. Like I have been saying before I have eyes and ears here. It could work.” For some reason I don’t think she’s exaggerating.

“I can leave on my own account, you know. No need for a kidnapping action.” And besides that, I feel like my days of staying in the palace are soon to be over anyway.

“Shhhhh kidnapping sounds more fun,” Brooke winks at me. Yeah sure, of course kidnapping sounds fun to her. She’s not the one being kidnapped.

“It's no fun if it's too easy,” Itzel says, crossing her arms. These two really are a match made in heaven, aren’t they?

I look from one to the other, suddenly unsure whether they’re joking. “Can you at least warn me in advance?”

Brooke shrugs her shoulders. “Sure - we'll give you a smog signal.”

“I will stay near a window at all times then.”

Itzel seems way too excited for this, “Sounds like a plan!”

I’m going to miss these two so much. “This place is going to be so dull when you two are gone.”

Brooke hands something to me. “For the bad times.”

I take the package from her and look at it. Of course. Weed. What else could I have expected from her. “Thank you Brooke, you really are a great friend.” A little bag of weed is all I ever wanted... But still I appreciate the gesture.

“Camping trip once this is all over?” Brooke’s gaze shifts between me and Itzel.

We both agree. At least I have something to look forward to now.

Brooke and Itzel go into a different direction. Perhaps they’re on their way to the prince for their chat. Or maybe they just need a little more time with each other before that moment.

I make my way back to one side of the room, the spot where I can go enjoy the music without being in the way of people. I realize I’m still holding the little package of weed in my hand. What am I even supposed to do with this? I didn’t bring a bag and my dress doesn’t have pockets. There is only one other option, I try to tuck it into my bra without anyone else noticing. Hopefully it will stay there.

* * * * *

A sudden tap on my shoulder surprises me. The music had consumed me once again. I didn’t notice someone had approached me. But when I turn around and see who is standing there, I feel disappointed. It’s not the person I was hoping for.

It’s Bambi. Or should I say Jakob?

“You promised me a dance,” he says, offering his arm to me.

Oh god. I don’t remember that but I must have agreed to it during our walk to the dining hall, when I hadn’t been listening to anything he was saying. Sigh. Is it too late to say no now?

After some serious debating in my head, I take his arm. I don’t want to dance with him but the other option is rejecting him on the spot and that may be even worse, especially if he is going to cause a scene.

He leads me to the dancefloor. Other people are already paired up and moving on the rhythm of the music.

Bambi takes my right hand in his own, placing his other hand on the back of my waist right on the spot where my dress is showing some skin. I really don’t like the feeling of his hand there. With my free hand I move his arm slightly upwards so that his hand is now resting a little higher on my back, far away from my skin.

I place my hand on his shoulder and he starts the dance. I wish I had paid more attention during the dance lessons we’ve had this past week. For some reason this type of dancing just isn’t for me. You’d say someone who’s into music as much as I am, would be able to connect the music to the required movements. But something apparently went wrong in my head because I just couldn’t make it work. This dancing was just a little stiff and there were so many steps to remember. Pfft.

I feel my dance partner’s eyes on me. I turn my head away so I don’t have to look at him. He’s talking to me, but I don’t listen to any of the words coming out of him. Instead I focus on the music. It’s pure and beautiful and touching.

Someone bumps into me. Isn’t it the man’s job to pay attention?

“Oh, I’m sorry… hi!”

“Oh it's okay.” I turn to see who bumped into me, even though I’m pretty sure I recognized her voice. Leana. “Hello.”

The guy Leana is dancing with tries to lead her away from me, but she’s not having any of it. “How’re you liking the party?”

Bambi however understands what she’s trying to do and keeps us close to one another so we can continue our conversation. “It's quite fun, isn't it?” I have to turn my face to see the girl I’m talking to. Dancing and talking is not a good combination when your conversation partner is not the same person as your dancing partner. “What about you?”

I notice her gaze shift to someplace behind me. I turn my head to see who or what she’s looking for, but I can’t figure it out. After a brief moment of silence, she replies, “it’s being ... quite a surprise.”

“A surprise?” I raise my eyebrows, but I don’t think she notices. Her gaze is still focussed on something else in this room. “In what way?”

Our dance partners are not really making it easy for us. Right now, Leana’s partner is blocking my entire view of her. “I mean... I had been in big events but nothing like this.”

“Yeah,” I answer as if I relate to what she’s saying. The biggest event I’ve ever been to, was a rock concert in the Park Theatre back in Winnipeg. And the vibe during that concert was the complete opposite from the one right here in this ballroom. “The royal family sure knows how to organize a party.”

I wonder if she even heard what I was saying because her partner is trying to lead her away again. But then I see her open her mouth, “what about change partners, should we?” She lets her partner twirl her around one last time.

Before I even realize what’s happening, she is standing in front of me.

I look to Bambi just in time to see his round eyes go even bigger. He doesn’t say anything, even though he doesn’t look too happy with this sudden change. Leana’s partner is looking at him with the same expression on his face, completely lost. The sight of them makes me laugh. I don’t think they were expecting something like this to happen.

“You want to dance with me? I have to warn you, this is not one of my talents.” Understatement.

“I know, I saw you at the dancing lessons,” Leana replies. Well at least she gives me an honest answer. “I’m not that good either but I refuse to stay standing at a party.”

“I was hoping nobody had noticed. But I have to agree with you, the music is worth dancing to.” Even now the rhythm of the music is calling out to me, encouraging me to start dancing. As long as I can move freely, there is absolutely no problem. But whenever a dance partner appears, everything goes wrong. I honestly don’t know what my problem is.

Leana is swinging along on the rhythm, her eyes are again trained on something or someone else in the room. “Hey, you should have play something for us tonight.”

I turn my face to look at the ensemble creating some beautiful music at the moment. “Nah I'm good, I wouldn't want to impose.”

“After listening to you playing I don't think anyone would see it that way,” she shrugs.

“Thanks,” her compliment makes me chuckle a little, “but I think I'll pass.” I honestly don’t feel like putting myself in the spotlight right now. This is not my ball and I don’t want to be the centre of attention. In fact, I’d rather be enjoying the music and everything from the side line. “Hey, you've got moves. Have you done this type of dancing before?”

That makes her laugh, “I have but I’m not that good...”

“Don't be so modest,” I offer her a reassuring smile. If she is ‘not that good’, then where does that leave me? “You're better than most of us.”

She bobs her head a little. “I won’t argue about that...” A crescendo in the song catches my attention. Leana apparently heard it to because she switches places with me right when it happens. We continue dancing, but in reality it’s more like she is dancing and I’m copying whatever she does. “How does your family spend this holiday?”

I refrain from saying that I feel like it’s only the higher castes that consider Independence Day as a holiday. For me and my family, it’s a day just like any other. “We don't really celebrate it to be honest. But we do have a more elaborate dinner that day, with other family members coming over and such.” I tilt my head a little. “What about you?”

“There’s always an important dinner hosted by governors, so we haven’t celebrated it as family for a long time... just my mom, now, my little brother and me eating something delicious.”

“Oh,” it never occurred to me that families might not see each other on a day they consider to be a holiday. I can’t imagine what that must be like, if everyone in the family has different obligations. “I'm sorry. Do you miss your family?”

Leana keeps on dancing, every move she makes is in sync with the music. “I do miss them, but we didn’t see each other during the day much, just breakfast.” She raises a shoulder as if it’s nothing. “I have texted them and called them so I’m fine. What about you?”

“I miss my family terribly.” They are the most important thing in my life. I just want to hug them and never let go again. “Phone calls just aren't the same.”

“Uh videocalls?” she raises an eyebrow at me.

“I mean,” I sigh softly, “it's just not the same as real life you know.”

Leana nods her head slowly, she’s not really looking at me anymore. “It’s hard to be used to be around someone every day and suddenly he’s not ...”

I don’t really understand what she’s talking about. “Uhm I'm sorry?”

She blinks her eyes a couple of times, finally focussing back on me again. “I mean family, having the family away it’s hard.” She reaches out to me and places a hand on my arm. The smile she gives me seems genuine.

Is she talking about my dad? How did the conversation take a turn to this?

“Yeah it sucks.” I don’t feel like elaborating about it, not on a night like this when we are supposed to enjoy ourselves.

Her hand slips to mine and she makes me twirl. “Looking forward to dance with the prince?”

I’m glad for the topic change but why did it have to go to the prince now? “I wasn't planning on dancing with him, no.” Last time we talked, I didn’t get the impression that Leana was too fond of him either. Something must have changed between them two. Interesting. If we had been a little closer in terms of friendship, I would have asked her about it. But I feel like it’s not my place to do that, so I drop it and raise my eyebrows at her. “Are you going to?”

She raises her eyebrows in return. “You said that as if you had other specific plans...” The curiosity is right there in her eyes. It must be the journalist in her, always wanting to know everything. But then she shrugs. “I don’t know, I guess he’s going to be busy for a while.”

The ball is well underway and I realize I haven’t paid any attention to the prince and his whereabouts. It’s the same thing I have been doing the last couple of months, casually ignoring his existence. “But I'm sure if you ask the prince, he'll accept the dance. It's kind of his job isn't it?”

Her face turns into a grimace. “That doesn’t sound so good ... if it’s his job I will consider giving him a free day then.”

I gasp, pretending to be shocked. “Ah Leana, don't rob him of his opportunity to dance with you.”

Speaking of opportunities for a dance, I remember someone asking me for one earlier tonight. Where is Hugo? I glance around the room, but I can’t seem to find him. There are people walking, talking and dancing everywhere.

Leana’s laugh makes my attention shift back to her, “he will be fine.”

“Hm, you're going to break his heart.” Poor prince.

Her eyes sparkle with amusement when she answers, “I remember someone was going to serenade him. What happened with that?”

We had indeed made a deal all those weeks ago, to see whether he would be scared away by my band’s music. But the entire thing had slipped from my mind. Such a shame. It makes me laugh, “I completely forgot about that.”

She doesn’t answer besides shaking her head in disappointment.

“Please forgive me,” I say with an overdramatic tone in my voice. If she really wants to know how the prince responds to music, she could play some guitar for him herself. Her guitar skills are pretty good, even if she says otherwise.

“I mean it’s never too late,” she says, adding a wink.

We continue dancing and talking for a little while, but then a familiar face catches my attention. I turn to face Leana again. She keeps on dancing without a care in the world. The twirls she’s making highlight the ruffles of her beautiful dress, the fabric flowing along in the movements.

I glance back at Hugo a second time. He’s still where he was a minute ago.

“Um- I’m afraid I need to go get something to drink... is okay if I,” Leana’s words make me turn back to her.

“Uh yeah sure. Thanks for the dance,” I say and I mean it. I don’t know if I would have survived an entire song with Bambi. His monologue made it impossible for me to hear the music. Leana saved me from that at least.

She smirks at me, “have fun.”

“Yeah you too,” I say, waving a little goodbye before she turns to walk in the other direction.

I walk over to the drink table, trying not to bump into other people along the way. It’s quite a challenge of its own. Some people really don’t pay attention to where they’re going, either because they’re too focussed on their conversation or because they might be drunk.

Eventually I reach my destination and extend a hand. “Care for a dance?”

Hugo turns to me with a smile on his face. I don’t think that’s a view I will ever be bothered by. As friends of course. For some reason, I have to keep reminding myself of that. Why can’t I just accept it and let it go?

He takes my hand, the soft touch bringing me back to reality. “You don't even have to ask.”

I practically drag him with me towards the dance floor, again trying not to bump into other people. “Are you enjoying the ball so far?”

“Yes, but I think I'm enjoying it more now. I've been looking forward to getting my feet stepped on all night.”

His answer makes me snort. “You can step on your own feet, you don't need me for that.” I’ve done it to myself numerous times, sometimes even resulting in me falling on my face. It’s not something I’d recommend but if he really wants to, then it’s an option.

I hear a soft chuckle coming from behind me. “I could but I'd rather have you do it.”

We’ve reached the dance floor and I turn to face him. Before I even know what I am doing, I step on his foot lightly. “Here you go, happy now?” In doing so, some hair has fallen in front of my eyes. I’m sure Carla would allow me to touch my hair now, it’s literally blocking a part of my view. Although, knowing Carla she would probably criticize me for it. I reach up anyway and tuck the hair behind my ear. I glance around to find other people paired up as well, ready for a dance. Some of them are other selected, partnering up with unknown men. Their escorts perhaps? “I might need your help though, this is not one of the things I'm good at.”

His laugh attracts my attention again and I glance at my friend just when he returns the gesture, stepping lightly on my toes. “I’m thrilled.” Before I can do or say anything, he pulls me closer. His hand rests on the back of my waist. I don’t mind his hand there, contrary to Jakob’s hand which I moved upwards as a result. “You've got this. I'll be here with you every step of the way.”

“Thank you, I appreciate that.” I place my free hand on his shoulder.

Right at that moment the orchestra begins to play a new song, one from the classical genre this time. “You're doing really well, Tavi.”

Such a liar, I know in fact that I’m not doing well at all. “Stop it, this is all you.” But I can’t stop the smile from coming to my face. “Have you taken dance lessons? Or does this come natural to you?”

“Don't sell yourself short.” Hugo squeezes my hand softly, causing me to miss a step. He doesn’t seem to notice, or if he does, he doesn’t mention it for which I’m grateful. “I've taken some dance lessons, yes.”

I nod my head a little as I listen to what he’s saying. “Impressive. Truly. This doesn't seem like an easy thing to learn.” Yet if I had paid some attention during those lessons, I might have actually learned a thing or two.

He laughs, though I don’t know what I’ve said to have caused it. I’m not complaining though, it’s such a joyous sound. “Well, you know how to do other things way better than I do.”

“Oh right yeah, bannister sliding. Let's not forget that one.” The memory alone makes me chuckle. That is something I will remember forever.

That only makes him laugh more. “You're never going to let that go, are you?”

I shake my head, “nope and I will make sure you don't forget about it either.”

The laughing stops. Instead he tilts his head to one side, smiling at me again. “This is going to sound weird but I don't think I mind.”

I- I don’t know how to take that. Or how to respond. I decide to opt for a joke. “Well great because in the afterlife, my ghost is definitely going to find your ghost and be like ‘hey Hugo, do you remember that bannister thing?’ So you will be reminded of my victory forever and ever.” I don’t dare say anything about the time before afterlife. Perhaps he doesn’t want to stay friends with me once this selection is over.

He looks away from me, but I can see the tiniest blush appearing on his face. “But maybe until then you can remind me while we're alive?”

His words make my worries disappear. “Of course.” I even manage to get out a soft laugh. “I wouldn't want to throw those opportunities away.”

“How close are you and Arin?”

“Me and prince Arin?” This is the second time tonight that someone brings up that prince. Do I give off the vibe that I want to talk about him or something? “We're not close at all. We haven't spoken since that date and that was what, 2 months ago or something? Why?”

There is a brief pause before he continues speaking. “So... if you went out one night maybe you don't think he would mind?”

“I think he'd be glad to get rid of me.” I honestly think the prince wouldn’t even notice if I had gone missing. I truly don’t understand where this conversation is going or why the prince was brought up in the first place. “Why are you asking me this?”

“Because I know it's not really allowed.... but I was wondering if you might like to go to dinner sometime.”

Hang on. This has already happened before.

I raise my eyebrows, “a date?”

“As friends I mean. Friends of course.”

My heart tells me to get my hopes up again, but my head tells me to not be stupid. I follow the advice of my heart, not having learned anything from last time when he had dropped that friend bomb on me. “You mean as friends?” Please don’t make me go through this again. Please don’t make me feel like an idiot.

But then he shakes his head. “No... not as friends.” A billion things pass through my mind all at once, creating some sort of chaos. I feel speechless. And maybe it’s because I don’t say anything, because he adds in a quiet voice, “I'm sorry- I totally get if that's not what you want and I was wrong.”

My heart is racing but I manage to clear a path in the complete chaos in my mind. “Hugo,” I softly squeeze his hand, hoping it might be enough to get him to look at me again. “I would love that.”

When he finally looks at me, his eyes have gone a bit wide. “Really?”

I nod my head, unable to keep a smile from appearing on my face. “Of course.”

“Okay,” he lets out a breath and nods. “It's a date- and not as friends.”

I can’t help but laugh. “Not as friends.” I don’t understand how this even happened, especially after last time. I hadn’t seen this coming at all, but that doesn’t mean I don’t like it. It’s a nice surprise.

There is the tiniest pressure of Hugo’s hand on my back, pushing me a little closer to him. “I thought you were going to say no.”

“Really?” I look up at him, raising my eyebrows. “Why would I ever say no?”

“I just wasn't sure if you felt the same way...”

I squeeze his hand again. “I thought I had made that pretty clear.” Let’s be honest, I hadn’t been doing a good job at the whole friends thing. “But now you know.” My own words make me blush a little. Normally I would try to avoid conversations like these at all costs, but with Hugo I just couldn’t.

“I'm glad I was wrong.” That beautiful smile is on his face again. “Very happy.”

I return the smile, enjoying this moment with him. I don’t think I’ve ever felt more at ease with someone than I do with Hugo. This silence is welcome, giving me time to clear the rest of the chaos in my head so I can at least enjoy this moment.

But then I realize why it is silent.

The song has ended and the orchestra isn’t playing a new one yet. “Oh,” I quickly let go of him, taking a little step backwards. I really don’t want to attract any unwanted attention from other guests. Some of them could be slithering around like snakes, looking for interesting stories they could turn into huge scandals. Dangerous territory. “I'm sorry I don't mean to take up all of your time.”

Hugo reacts the same way as I did. He also steps back, creating even more distance between us. “Oh... You weren't.”

The talking has completely distracted me, I didn’t pay any attention to the music. Did we even dance? “I didn't step on your feet, did I?”

He shakes his head. “Not once, except for at the beginning.”

That’s a relief, at least I did something right. Unlike those dance lessons. I’m pretty sure my practice dance partner has bruises on his feet from all the times I accidently stepped on them. Poor guy. “But that one was on purpose, so it doesn't really count.”

“On purpose or not I'd rather have no one else step on my toes.” I need a second to let those words sink in. No one else. What is that supposed to mean? I blink my eyes twice, only to find him holding his arm out to me. “Would you like to go for a walk?”

“Of course.” I close the distance between us again and gently take his arm. “Where to?”

A smile lights up Hugo’s face again. “How about the gardens? I heard they're nice tonight.”

“Sounds great.” I smile back at him. Some fresh air would be nice actually. Especially after being in this room full of people for… how long now? “But are you sure you don't need to stay here? What if someone wants to dance with you?” During that tour, he mentioned that he had befriended some of the other girls. I don’t want to take their opportunities for a chat, or maybe even a dance, away.

“All I am is a cousin. No one cares too much about what I do or where I go.” He shrugs as we walk towards the open doors. It’s dark outside but I can already see some lights illuminating plants here and there.

I turn my face back to Hugo and just look at him for a moment without saying anything. His words break my heart a little bit. This is his family after all, how can he feel like they don’t care? “I'm sure that's not true.”

He nods his head. “It is. But I don't mind. I like being able to mostly live the life I want.”

“Okay yeah I get that.” I look at him for a little while longer, but then I avert my gaze to see where I’m placing my feet. I really don’t want to make a fool of myself by falling. I focus on a champagne glass lying on the floor not too far away. How it survived its fall is beyond me. “Just... know that I care, okay?”

Hugo doesn’t reply right away. I wonder if he even heard what I was saying. Or maybe I said something stupid. But what I said is the truth, I had cared for him ever since the moment I met him. He had been so kind to me, making me feel at ease during that photoshoot. And then during that tour, when I had told him all about my dad and he had just listened. He hadn’t judged me or my family. He didn’t look any differently at me after I was done talking. There was no fear or anything close to that in his eyes. I’m not sure he knows just how much that little moment means to me.

“Tavi..... thank you.”

My heart might break a second time just because of the way he says my name. “You don't need to thank me,” I say as I pat his arm a couple of times. The gardens stretch out before us now. I had been mistaken, it’s not just a simple light here and there. In every direction I see lights of different shapes, brightness and colours, yet it all fits together perfectly somehow. “Oh look, you were right. The gardens look beautiful.”

There is a moment of silence. I don’t need to look at him to know that he’s also taking in the view of the garden. “Safiya did this.”

“She really has an eye for detail. It looks amazing.” The decorations in the ballroom are gorgeous, but the ones here in the garden are absolutely magical. It doesn’t matter where I look, there is something beautiful everywhere.

“She's always known what went together.”

The sky is filled with a billion little lights of its own. The stars flicker as they create their own patterns. “Are the two of you close?”

Hugo chuckles, “it depends on the day.” That’s always the case with family, isn’t it? On most days there are no problems, but on others even one wrong look can cause the next world war. But no matter how bad the argument, family is family and you love them anyway. “Do you have siblings?”

“I have one older brother, and a younger sister and brother.” Just the thought of them makes me smile. I’m sure Aria would love to attend a ball like this, if only for the gown.

“What are their names?”

We continue walking through the gardens. Lights are hung up, lining this very path. On the left there is a huge tree with fairy lights wrapped around the tree trunk and its branches. “So first there's Daniel, he already has a family of his own with the cutest little baby. And then my younger siblings are Aria and Arlan.”

“That’s a lot to keep track of. I just have Chloé and she’s more than enough.” There is so much love in his voice, it makes me smile. “Do you get to see your older brother often?”

“Yeah he always comes over a couple of times a week for dinner.” And I guess he has been coming to our house more often now that I’m gone. Daniel had promised me he would look after mom and the little ones. The feeling of missing them hits me so hard, I almost break down in tears. I need to steer the conversation away from my family. “Are you and your sister close?”

“Sort of, the past few years we've gone our own ways a bit but I always love spending time with her.”

“Oh that's nice.” We pass a flowerbed with multiple balls of light placed in it. Some shine a soft pink light, while others look more like blue and green. “Is she the girl you walked into dinner today?”

There is a moment of silence before he answers. “No... I escorted Felicity...”

“Oh,” that name rings a bell somewhere. Felicity. Then I remember the very first etiquette lesson all those months ago. She had entered the room, whispering something we couldn’t hear to the princess. I didn’t know who she was then, but Brooke had explained, ‘I am pretty sure it is Prince Arin's ex-girlfriend.’ No matter how hard I think about this, I can’t make sense of the situation. I don’t understand how Hugo came to be her escort. Why couldn’t the prince accompany his own ex-girlfriend to a dinner in his palace? “But she's the prince's ex? Why would you escort her then?”

I look over the flowerbed on my right, the light balls illuminate some flowers while others disappear completely in the darkness of the night. As we walk past it, the soft colours of the lights sort of blend together.

“Yeah she is, but we were paired up because it's a rank thing. We didn't decide that.”

“Okay of course.” I nod my head, “that makes sense.” What am I doing? I feel like I’ve overstepped a boundary. I shouldn’t have asked about it in the first place. “I'm sorry, that's none of my business.”

“Please don't be sorry.” He pauses for a second. “I have something I should tell you...”

I rip my gaze away from the flowerbed and turn to Hugo instead. “What? Are you okay?”

He nods his head, “I'm fine, I just want to be honest with you. Felicity and I... we...”

Where is this conversation going now? I furrow my eyebrows a little, but I keep quiet so he can continue talking.

He looks so uncomfortable, it makes me feel bad. “We were never really together but... we got close. But I want you to know she's only a friend.”

I don’t know what to say but then something my dad once told me comes back to mind. I was about 6 years old when my parents had asked me which music instrument I wanted to learn how to play: my mom’s violin or my dad’s tuba. Deep down I knew, while both instruments can create the most beautiful sounds, that I wanted to play the guitar. I had seen some musician play it on TV and I fell in love with it right away. But I couldn’t bring myself to tell my parents, in fear of disappointing them by choosing a different instrument. One day my dad asked me what was wrong and I started crying, telling him about the guitar. He pulled me into a hug, assuring me it was okay. “Octavia, we can’t force you to play the violin or the tuba. You have a voice of your own and you’re allowed to use it. This is your life, go for the things that bring you joy.”

I know this situation is far from the same as choosing a music instrument, but I feel like the essence of my dad’s message is applicable here as well. And besides, who am I to judge Hugo? He sure didn’t judge me when I told him about my dad’s jail situation. “Hey listen. Even if she was more than a friend, it's your life and you should do whatever makes you happy.”

He lets out a sigh. I can’t decide whether that’s good or bad, but his face does seem to relax a little. “Tavi, I think you make me happy. And I want more of that with you.”

My heart is beating so loudly, it’s the only thing I can hear. I’m pretty sure Hugo can hear it too, and with him everyone else here in these gardens.

I can’t do anything but stare at him. This is what I have been hoping for deep down, I just can’t believe it’s actually happening. “You're not drunk, are you?”

“No, I'm not. Are you?”

Relief floods over me. At least he’s aware of what he’s saying.

I shake my head, feeling very glad for I only had one alcoholic drink tonight. I’m sure if I had been drunk, this would never have happened. I can barely hear my voice over the beating of my heart, “I think you make me happy too.”

He stops walking, causing me to do the same. His eyes meet mine, but he doesn’t say anything.

I don’t know what to say myself, so I try to go for a way out. “Do you think we should head back?”

“Can we just wait a minute...? I like being out here with you.”

I somehow manage to get some words out of my mouth. “Of course.” I feel like I’m dreaming and I could wake up in my room here in the palace any second now. Or worse, wake up in my bed back in Denbeigh.

He lets go of my arm and turns to face me fully. “I was thinking when this is over I should take you up on your offer and visit Winnipeg...”

“Please do.” I remember that conversation and it hadn’t been me who made that offer. Hugo had said, ‘maybe you could show me around. It's always so much better with a local friend around.’ I remember the words so well, because I had felt so confused for making a friend. Look where we are now. With a smile on my face, I add, “though I can't promise I'm that good of a tour guide. And you set the bar for that quite high.”

His smile has turned so soft. “You can't say a bad thing about anyone...” He reaches down and takes my hand in his. I’m reminded once again of the smoothness of his skin. “That's one of the things I like about you so much. You're the most kind person I think I've ever met.”

I shake my head, I’ve done so many awful things. Like that fight with Leana, judging her for being a journalist. Or when I had aimed that paintball gun on prince Arin. And then actually pulling the trigger, trying to shoot him. “I... that's not true.” And let’s not forget the endless trash talk coming out of my mouth whenever I’m around Brooke. I’m not a kind person at all.

“We all have our good days and bad days- they shouldn't define us.” He reaches up to brush some hair out of my face.

“Hugo,” I can’t do anything else but look up at him. “If there is someone worthy of that most kind person title, it's you.”

He shakes his head. “I think you're wrong... but,” he says, taking a deep breath. He leans a little closer, his face only inches away from mine. “Tavi?”

I don’t know how I manage to speak, I feel like I stopped breathing about 10 minutes ago. “Yeah?” My heart however keeps on beating, the speed increasing with every second that passes.

Then he leans in even closer, pressing a kiss to my cheek.

It feels like that moment when you’re waiting for a concert to begin. The lights are dimmed, and everyone goes silent. Your heartrate increases as you feel your anticipation level rise. And then the musicians take the stage and start playing their music. It’s the moment everyone has been waiting for. All the people start cheering and clapping, letting go of that build-up anticipation, leaving nothing but excitement and happiness behind. And the feeling of wanting more.

That’s exactly what I’m feeling right now. I want more.

I let go of his hand and reach up to touch his face. His eyes lock with mine and I gently bring his face closer to mine, making our lips touch in a gentle kiss.

His hands go up to cup my face, holding me in place as he kisses me back.

My heart is beating so loudly, it’s impossible for him not to hear it.

The kiss makes me feel a billion things at the same time, but surprisingly there is no chaos in my head. There is a calmness somehow, my mind has gone completely blank. The only thing that matters right now is this moment. I don’t want it to end.  

But then I realize where we are.

I take a little step backwards, glancing around as I do. I don’t see anyone, but it’s dark outside and someone could be hiding in a bush or something. “I'm sorry, I shouldn't have done that here.”

He quickly glances around before leaning closer, kissing me again. When he pulls away, there is a smile on his face. “I'm not sorry.”

“Hugo,” I’m unable to stop the smile from appearing on my own face. I haven’t felt this kind of happiness in a very long time and now I don’t know what to do with myself.

He drops his hands from my face. I can feel the heat on my cheeks, they’re most likely bright red right now. Thank god for the darkness of the night. One of his hands slips into mine, “Tavi.”

There is something in the way he says my name. Like it’s something special. I fight the urge to kiss him again and instead I intertwine my fingers with his, “thank you for tonight.” It really had exceeded my expectations in every possible way.

“I'm so happy you said yes.” Hugo gives my hand a little squeeze.

I don’t know exactly which yes he’s talking about. I’ve said yes to so many things.

A dance.

A date.

A walk in the gardens.

If I had said no to one of those things, I don’t think I would’ve ended up here. With him.

I look down at our hands, joined together. I don’t want to let go. What if I do and all of this slips right through my fingers? But I also don’t want anyone to find out about this, whatever this may be. I could face any sort of punishment for myself, but I don’t want Hugo to get in any trouble. “Maybe I should head back?”

Our eyes meet again when I look up at him. “If it's okay with you I think I might stay out here a little bit longer?”

“Of course.” I let go of his hand, even though I don’t want to. I stand up on my tiptoes and give him one last quick kiss. “I guess I'll see you around then?”

Even in the darkness, I can see the smile on his face. “I'll see you around, Tavi.”

I return the smile before I turn around and start walking back towards the palace, forcing my heart to calm down. I need all of my attention to focus on the real world.

Darkness, an uneven garden path, me in heels, my mind elsewhere. All of these things together dramatically increase the chances of me ending on the ground.

Many people walk past me on my way back to the palace. Some are alone, others have company. It was definitely clever of me to return to the ballroom. There are curious eyes everywhere.

Back in the ballroom, it’s like nothing has changed. People are still talking, walking and dancing.

I make my way to the drink table only to find my escort Jakob aka Bambi there. He turns in my directions, his eyes sparkling as he recognizes me. But before he can so much as open his mouth, I quickly grab a drink and excuse myself.

I make my way through the room until I find the perfect, quiet spot where no one will bother me. I spend the rest of the evening there, watching the other people but not really seeing them. My mind keeps going back to what happened in the garden, reliving the moment time and time again.

[grasslandgirl]

For the ask game F G H R T please!

tysm anna 🥺🥺💖💖

F: Share a snippet from one of your favorite dialogue scenes you’ve written and explain why you’re proud of it.

ahhhhhh this is SO hard, you’re getting top three sorry not sorry

in no particular order:

1) from I’ve waited and watered my heart ‘til it grew (the magnus archives, jon and martin):

“Georgie told me once- before the Unknowing, before… before we really understood the gravity of everything- that I needed people around me, to anchor me, as it were. To talk to- to all of you, but I think she also meant you, Martin, specifically. You were always there to anchor me, to listen to me, even when you were neck-deep in Lukas’s business. Even- even when I didn’t think I deserved it.”

Martin looked down at Jon, met his inscrutable and unwavering gaze. “You always deserved it, Jon,” he said, with all the conviction he had.

[i just ahhhh i think i really nailed jon’s voice through all of this fic but martin’s line here specifically. that’s it. that’s the crux of all of it i think.]

2) from my unfinished juno steel amnesia fic (the penumbra podcast, juno and rita):

“Amnesia?” Juno mumbled, looking at Rita for confirmation. “I lost… two years?”

“I mean, yeah, Mister Steel, if the last thing you remember was the Robertson case that was two years ago. And that means you don’t remember anything about Mister Ex-Mayor Takano-Flaherty or the THEIA’s or Mister Ransom or- OH!! This reminds me of that one stream we watched, Boss, with the guy who had his brain sucked out by aliens only they weren’t aliens they were actually a super secret government agency taking away people’s memories; but oh, no, I guess you can’t remember that either, because we watched that one after the case where that lady’s cat exploded after you lost your eye and you were still all sad about Mister Glass again- we should watch that stream, Boss! Especially now that you don’t remember anything either, even though-”

“Whoa, whoa, whoa, back up, Rita,” Juno said, waving his hand vaguely, “what was- any of that, if I’m being honest. Ransom and the mayor? We blew up somebody’s cat?”

“I mean technically, the cat blew itself up, Boss.”

[did i mention that i LOVE rita penumbrapodcast? cause i LOVE her and i love to write her she’s so fun and her dynamic with juno is So fun to write, she just talks and i get to run away on my keyboard and let her say whatever her salmon-crunchie flavored heart desires <3]

3) from my bad kids fantasy au unposted wip (dimension twenty, fabian and adaine and gorgug):

Fabian frowned at Gorgug, considering. “Gorgug, we need to duel more often. If I’m going to be Captain, I need to know all my competition- even if they’re my best friend.”

“Aww,” Gorgug smiled down at Fabian, “I’m your best friend?”

“What?” Fabian blinked in confusion, before noticing Gorgug’s widening smile. “You dick-” he punched Gorgug in the shoulder- “you nearly got me! Of course we’re best friends, Thistlespring-”

“What about me?” Adaine asked, watching her boys’ friendly scuffle.

“You’re my best friend, too,” Gorgug said eagerly, “I can have more than one best friend.”

“Well I have dozens of best friends,” Fabian said, never one to be out done. “But, uh, I suppose you two are the- the top of the list. Of my many friends.”

[i simply think.... they!! their dynamic is SO choice if i do say so myself, i just think that old childhood best friends is one of the Best dynamics out there and is sorely underutilized and i am taking it upon myself to solve that problem. you’re welcome, world]

G: Do you write your story from start to finish, or do you write the scenes out of order?

i HAVE to write my fics in chronological order, from start to finish bc there are always scenes that i really Want to write and if i write those first then i have No drive or focus to write the Rest of the fic or the context that goes with it, so i make myself write chronologically and use the scenes that im really excited to write as a goal and a driving force to get myself through the other, equally important scenes, that i’m less excited about, otherwise the fic sits half-finished and abandoned in my wip folder, never to see the light of day......

H: How would you describe your style?

truly i Could Not Tell You. ive been told i write how i talk which. yeah. but idk how true that is for my fic/fiction writing? i truly don’t know tell me about my writing style im begging you i don’t know what my style is i just write its just there

R: Are there any writers (fanfic or otherwise) you consider an influence?

there aren’t any specific writers that i draw regular, constant inspo from, really? i’m lucky to know and be friends with multiple incredibly talented authors (you, anna grace, chief among them of course) and sometimes when i read a really good fic or story ill get inspired by the author’s style or tone and work off of that; but those beats of inspiration aren’t super common and tend to just lead to short little spurts of writing, most of my longer ideas and wips are products of plot and character inspiration, drawing from my life or the original media itself and less from fic or other writing (shoutout to @nojoyinmudville and @cauldronoflove both for writing SO good that it made me write fanfiction for THEIR fanfiction sfjvnksjfbd)

T: Any fandom tropes you can’t stand?

uhhhhhh not off the top of my head? im a sucker for coffeeshop and bakery aus but they always sort of infuriate me bc you can always tell when theyre written by people who have Never Worked In Food Service nor have they KNOWN anyone who’s worked in food service bc they’re always “im the owner of a very popular, well-trafficked bakery and i’m the owner and also the ONLY EMPLOYEE. I BAKE ALL THE BREAD AND PASTRY MYSELF. AND I RUN THE REGISTER AND THE COUNTER. AND I CLEAN THE WHOLE KITCHEN. AND I DO ALL THE FINANCES AND ORDER FORMS AND LEGAL TAPE. I ALSO HAVE TIME FOR A FUFILLING SOCIAL AND ROMANTIC LIFE. SOMEHOW, I SLEEP SOMETIMES.” plese. im begging u people. use your critical thinking skills. or, if all else fails. GOOGLE HOW WORKING IN A COFFEESHOP WORKS. YOU DON’T WORK 6AM- 8PM SHIFTS SIX DAYS A WEEK WITH ONE COWORKER. YOU HAVE SHIFTS. MORE PEOPLE IN THE RUSH HOURS. YOU HAVE DAYS OFF. ahem. anyway. yeah.

this got. so long sorryyyyyy ksjbskjf but thank you a million anna grace ilyyy 💖💖🤧🤧

send me a fanfic ask!! (my ao3 acc is @/grasslandgirl and is linked in my bio!)

[yuzuka-rei]

my last hours: chain of gold review

its practically tradition for me, every time i finish a cassie claire book, i whip open my long abandoned tumblr and yell about characters. 

discussion is always welcome but if you’re like SUPER into this book don’t read this you’ll just get mad. also claire dont read this. 

my biggest problem with this book is that it doesn’t take enough risks, it sticks to a known successful formula (the infernal devices remains the best shadowhunters series) and what results is a book that is nostalgic, not bad, but not breaking any new ground. 

i’ll talk about what i liked first. i loved some of the storylines claire brought up in this book, BUT SHE BARELY EXPANDED ON ANY OF THEM.

you know what would’ve felt fresh and painful? charles fairchild. i want to read about Charles Fairchild, and his ambition, i want to read about his love for Alastair and how all he wishes is for his lover to just understand how much he *wants* to be consul. i want to read about his conflicted affection for Ariadne. i want to sympathise with HIM, because that would be so interesting, similar to what we had with jessamine, but with a man this time. we don’t have to like him, he just has to be interesting. 

what i’d also have loved would be more about lucie’s insecurity about being “the second herondale”. tbh, it would’ve been really interesting for her to have turned to the dark but this is a shadowhunters book the moral conflict always comes with the relationships, not the fantasy plot. but anyways what is the DEAL with “the beautiful cordelia” that is the fucking gayest thing i have ever laid eyes on in my entire life. also thats all lucie and cordelia’s relationship is based on, just the fact that lucie writes to cordelia, and it makes it feel so cheap because all cordelia does is think about james. lucie reminds me of dru, the forgotten younger sister, but because dru was not expanded on in tda i think it would’ve been fresh to read about lucie and her insecurity

also: matthew fairchild. right now he feels super repetitive, basically just will herondale again but this time he also fucks boys!! what a CHANGE. will shouldve been able to see his younger self in matthew and help him, so this makes minimal sense. even if we *have* to have this super repetitive plot element, i want to read about matthew and how he is different drunk and sober. i want to see him literally fail his friends and risk their lives, multiple times, because he is too drunk to do shit. i want to see him sober, suddenly so uncharming and pitiful. also i fucking want to see hints that he’s in love with cordelia. yes there are “hints”, but this “love” feels really cheap as well. basically so many of the relationships in cog feel super cheap because you’re supposed to believe that matthew falls in love with cordelia because of like three interactions. (although a parallel to this would be cristina and mark, who also didn’t have that much interaction before they fell in love, but mark was so broken and cristina is literally the sweetest, that made more sense. matthew and cordelia?? kinda a cheap play esp considering how will and jem were also parabatai) 

WRITE MORE ABOUT ALASTAIR. matthew seems way too put together and a “tragic romantic figure” in this book to make us Really see alastair as someone who should be hated. i want to HATE alastair but at the same time feel so much pity and pride for him. i know claire tried to make us dislike him but didnt work lol

oh i also loved the merry thieves i LOVE their friendship please give me more of that sweet sweet friendship juice. now this sort of marauders (im sorry im such a big marauders fan) brotherhood is something i haven’t seen from claire before and id love to read more about it

NOW I SCREAM ABOUT WHAT I DISLIKED

1, james fucking herondale. he is the most blandly and poorly written “male lead” in a claire book i’ve read for a long time. i’m all for reading about very stupid boys who are stupid about girls but the whole wild shift between grace and cordelia makes him seem like trash even with the bracelet influence. i disliked julian (i literally forgot his name and had to search it up), but julian’s fierce devotion to his family was interesting and grounded him. james is just ?? i guess he has the ability to go to the shadow realm?? like ngl i know nothing about his character and tbh i dont want to know more. 

2, cordelia. carstairs. who is basically if you scrambled clary and emma together and added a pinch of cristina. she’s not a BAD character, and since we’re supposed to see her as the “self insert” (i assume), her being a bit bland was probably intended. but this IS like... the fourth shadowhunter series. can we get a female character who is the hot troubled one instead?? i want HER to be the one with the tragic terrible secret, i want her to lash out and go drinking and push everyone away. cordelia in this book exists to love and protect james, and that makes her... even more boring than clary, who you know at least had her own strong agenda instead of this “oh i have to save my father wait hes a drunk” arc

3, matthew fairchild is basically just will herondale if he were less in love with his parabatai and more gay coded (oscar wilde?? waistcoats?? really???) . i wish he were written as a proper casanova, seen dating a different girl or boy every scene because then it would Hurt to see cordelia dismiss his feelings because of his behaviour. tbh i just,,, like matthew fairchild but hes so similar to will it hurts that his potential is being squandered.

4, this book just feels like tid but the side characters are like the tda ones. 

5, anna lightwood is basically magnus bane and i hate it but i love it

6, tbh most of the romances weren’t heart wrenching. cordelia having to marry james as an alibi was the only cool thing out of this book and even that was a bit odd. alastair being charles’ secret lover was Pretty out of the blue and that hurt but he literally left the relationship after one scene?? thats not realistic?? i want alastair to fall back into old habits, then try to leave again, then fall back again, then leave for Good. all of these romances are so whirlwild and mean so little, and they probably seem really cool to a 14 year old child but now they just feel... childish and stupid. TDA may have spoilt me for well built relationships, as much as i dislike emma and julian, their romance made SENSE. kit and ty? had feelings development. kieran and mark had their whole “we had to love each other to survive but now we don’t have to now what” struggle that was well laid out anyways. 

BASICALLY, THE CHARACTERS IN THIS BOOK WERE WRITTEN TO BE IMMATURE, SHELTERED 17 YEAR OLDS AND IT’S UNSURPRISINGLY BORING TO READ 

also: if jesse blackthorn, a dear character in our hearts, showed love towards his mother, she would feel more three dimensional but alas sakjfh