#angels bday really got me fckd up

[angel-emmerson]

5/30/2013

Dear Ángel,

I’ve been thinking a lot about things while here. Rehab does that to you. I know that today is your birthday, and I will get to the well wishes some time. But I want to start off with an apology. I’m sorry for all the shit I have put you through over the years, but especially the past few months. You’re my heart, and I hate knowing that I’ve hurt you, that I’ve put you through Hell. I’ve spent hours talking about you in therapy. You’re one of the best things in my life, and I wish I could take back all the hurt and pain I’ve caused you. I never expected you to find me in the state I was, and I wish I could take that from you. I know it doesn’t change anything, and I know that I can’t take it back, or take that memory from you. But, I hope you can forgive me.

I don’t know why I keep doing this shit, I wish I could explain all of that to you. Make this make sense. But you’ve seen me from the start, you know this better than just about everyone. I’m sorry for always falling back, giving into this shit when the going gets tough. I want to stop. For Mason, for Aimee, for you. I want so much to change, and I’m going to really try this time. I’m done with all that shit, okay? I promise, I fucking promise. I know you’ve heard this a million times, but I mean it. I’m going to get through this, come out of this a new man. Make you fucking proud of me for once.

You’ve been my best friend since we were kids, and the first person I really ever loved. I hate that I can’t be there for your birthday this year. But, I’m trying to get better so I don’t have to miss another one, I’ve never had to miss your birthday, or mine, and as I’ve been sitting here, with those dates coming up, knowing I won’t be done with the program until after, I’ve been feeling bummed out. I didn’t mean for this to happen. I want to be there, man. I don’t want to miss out on this. I hope you forgive me for putting myself in here with that coming up. 90 days is a fucking long time. It doesn’t sound like that long. But it feels long. I’m looking forward to finally get out, and actually celebrate with you. We can go to the beach, relax and just be together. I miss you.

You’re one of the most important people to me, and I’ve been blessed to have you in my life. I’ve taken that for granted, but I wouldn’t be here without you. You’ve saved my life so many times, and I can’t thank you enough for that. I know that we’ve had our ups and downs, and you should have left me behind years ago, but I’m so fucking happy you didn’t. I know I don’t say it enough, or prove it, but I love you. I wish I could think of any way to really pay you back, but how do you do that? I can’t save your life the way you’ve done for me. But, I would in a heartbeat. I’d be lost without you.

Thank you. Thank you for loving me so unconditionally, and always giving me a shoulder, and a warm bed when I needed it. I needed it a lot. One day, I’m going to take care of you the way you’ve done for me. I don’t know how, or when, but I’ll pay that back in full. You deserve to be taken care of, and I promise I’ll get there one day. You’ve had my back through everything, and I’ve got your back. I don’t care what happens, I’m always in your court. I love you.

Do you remember the first time I slept over at your house? We were 8, I think. We played for hours, stayed up way too late. We called each other brothers. You’re still my brother, man. How has it been almost 20 years and we’re still brothers? I meant it that night, you were my best friend, and my favorite person. We woke up the next morning and told your moms that we were brothers, and they needed to adopt me too. I remember the look on their faces. Them trying to explain. They were always so good to us, man. I wish they could have adopted me for real. But, they did as close to that as they could, right? Took care of me. Took me in when I needed a place to stay. We were as close to brothers as we could get. You were my family. You are my family.

I think a lot about those days. Back when we were young. Before I started on this shitty road. I wasn’t ever happy, man. But I always came close when I was with you. I didn’t know how to say it back then, you know? What 8 year old knows how to express just how sad they are when they can’t just let it out? But I had you, and every time you were there, things felt ok. You have that effect on people, you know? You make them feel ok when they feel low. You’re so full of love, man. And I hope I’ve given you even a drop of that back.

If I didn’t have you, I wouldn’t have made it to 16, man. I would have been a goner. I’m broken, but you’ve always kept those pieces from coming apart. I know sometimes I don’t show it as much as I should, or it might seem like I don’t care, but I do. I love you so much, man. You’re the love of my life, my fucking soulmate. When we were just a couple of kids trying to figure ourselves out, you gave me so much love. It kept me going. I have never loved someone in the way that I love you, man. It’s special. It’s real, and I am truly so grateful for every inch we’ve taken together. The good, the bad, all that shit. There’s a lot I would change in my life, a lot of mistakes I would undo in a heartbeat. But, you’re a constant, I’d never change you and me. I just wish we were happy, wish all this bad shit that we’ve been through, that I’ve put you through could disappear.

I hope you have a good birthday this year. I couldn’t get you a gift this year, but as soon as treatment’s over, I’ll buy you something good, whatever you want. We’re going to go to the beach, get a fancy ass dinner, and just spend our night together. I’ll be dreaming of the party, and your mom’s mango salsa. Give my love to them, and make sure you remember how much I love you. Because I really do. You’re my fucking heart.

I miss you, and I can’t wait until the next time I get to see your dumb ass.

I love you, homie. Happy fucking birthday! 

Yours forever,

Quinn