#angelodivine

[kplr-radio]

Broadcast: Angelo Divine, 01/23/19

[Wide Open Spaces Dixie Chicks]

Angelo: Good morning everyone, this is 103.5 KPLR Radio, that was “Wide Open Spaces” by Dixie Chicks. I’m here in the studio, it’s actually been a pretty good morning, but I’m a morning person anyway so I’m probably biased. Anyway, I hope y’all are doing alright. It’s a clear Wednesday morning, we’re looking at sunshine all day, hopefully it’ll melt some of that ice. There’s a minor fender bender out on the main road, but it looks like it’ll be settled soon. That’s it for this morning’s news, let me play you a message from our sponsors.

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Angelo: Thanks so much to Whistle’s Auto for sponsoring us this week, we really appreciate it. I’ll play some music for y’all as I’m sure plenty of you are on the way to work. Here’s “Take Me Home, Country Roads” by John Denver.

[Take Me Home, Country Roads John Denver] [Live a Little Kenny Chesney] [God’s Gonna Cut You Down Johnny Cash]

Angelo: That was “Live a Little” by Kenny chesney and “God’s Gonna Cut You Down” by Johnny Cash. And it looks like we’ve got some time, so how about an Angelo’s Advice Hour? Call in now and I can answer y’all’s questions on anything and everything.

[Disclaimer: Angelo Divine is not qualified to answer most questions definitively. All answers are purely conjecture and Angelo Divine is not liable for any negative results that may come from following his advice.]

Caller: I think I bought a haunted *** couch and I’m gonna cry into my ******* mac and cheese. I don’t want to deal with spirits I just need to study!

Angelo: Well, I don’t know what ghoulish side effects this couch is inducing, but I’d say invest in some anti-spirit protection. I believe the antiques store has some guides on that. Salt doesn’t work, television is lying about that. But there’s some basic sigils that should keep your home ghost-free. Who’s next?

Caller: I have no idea who knows I’m a lesbian and who doesn’t and I really hate the whole “oh hey by the way I’m gay” so uhhhh do I just casually say I love women’s hockey and plaid flannels? Start painting rainbows? Let the revelations happen whenever?

Angelo: Yeah, coming out is tricky. In my experience, it’s easier to leave it up to interpretation than try and announce yourself whenever it comes up. The people who need to know will get it, usually just by being around you. If you want to do those things, go ahead. And maybe try and surround yourself with other people who like those things, and people will make the association themselves. Like, when I bleached my hair and started working at the radio station, it became very obvious that I’m gay, y’know? I hope that helps! I’m gonna play some music for y’all but we’ll be back with more questions in a bit. This is “High Note” by Mavis Staples.

[High Note Mavis Staples] [I Want A Cowboy Reba McEntire] [Friends In Low Places Garth Brooks]

Angelo: We’re back, folks, on 103.5 KPLR Radio, that was “I Want A Cowboy” by Reba McEntire followed up by “Friends In Low Places” by Garth Brooks. I’ll be taking more advice questions, and it looks like we got a caller.

Caller: I’m gonna fight a raccoon. [click]

Angelo: Well alright then. Hopefully that wasn’t my coworker, although I can’t say I’ve never seen him try and fight off a raccoon before. Good luck, listener, I guess? Who’s next?

Caller: Hey it's Cat again what kind of coffee do you want? I forgot your order sorry. Also might be a bit late the cops are— ****! **** okay gotta run! Still answer though thanks I'm almost there!

Angelo: Uh, okay, can you get me a latte? Also why are the cops— nevermind just tell me when you get here. Any real advice questions? Hello, you’re on air.

Caller: Hello, I just have a quick thing and it's has to do with my birth mom who just showed up after 18 of no word, demands to spend time with me but doesn't respect who I am. I feel like I owe her something since she is my mom but honestly I don't know. What do you think?

Angelo: That’s tough. I definitely think you aren’t obligated to spend time with her. I think… it could be helpful to have a conversation on what caused her to leave for so long, but if you don’t feel ready for that then you shouldn’t have to. Especially if she doesn’t respect who you are. But definitely you don’t owe her anything. I’ll go back to the music now, but we’ll be back afterwards for more of your questions. This is “The Gambler” by Kenny Rogers.

[The Gambler Kenny Rogers] [Seven Year Ache Rosanne Cash] [Jolene Dolly Parton]

Angelo: That was “Seven Year Ache” by Rosanne Cash, and “Jolene” by Dolly Parton. Let’s get back to your questions. You’re on the air.

Caller: Hey! I was wondering if you could give me some advice? I have a huge crush on someone but I'm not too sure if they like me back.. Any tips for knowing?

Angelo: That’s the age-old question, innit? To be honest it varies so much from person to person, what their tells are. Some rules of thumb are if they go out of their way to be around or touch you, if they single you out in a group setting, and if they mention thinking of you at a point that you weren’t together. Still, those can be tricky, so I’d say having an honest conversation is the best way to go. Not that I can talk, but you know how it is. This is advice for you, not me. Hope that helps! [click] Hey, you’re live.

Caller: Ah yes hello, I was wonder if I could have advice one what sort of gift I should give someone to let them know that I'm attracted to them? I'm honestly hopeless about these kind of things. Any advice you have would be wonderful.

Angelo: Lots of romance stuff today. I get it, Valentine’s Day is coming up in less than a month. But this is a really good question. There’s two ways you can go with this, one of which I can’t really talk about on the radio. The sincere way is giving them stuff they like and/or need. If you’ve been paying attention when they talk, which is usually how getting a crush on someone works, you’ll probably hear what they like or what they would rather avoid. From there, it’s up to you. Alright, looks like we got one more caller on the line. Hello!

Caller: I’m in the mood to yearn. You’re good with music please and thank you.

Angelo: Today has been pretty yearn-y. Here’s a couple tender tunes, starting off with “Red River Valley” by Marty Robbins.

[Red River Valley Marty Robbins] [It’s A Sin Eddy Arnold] [If I Could Only Win Your Love Emmylou Harris]

Angelo: That was “It’s A Sin” by Eddy Arnold followed by “If I Could Only Win Your Love” by Emmylou Harris, here on 103.5 KPLR Radio. I’ll see y’all tomorrow morning, 6 AM sharp! Here’s “Achy Breaky Heart” by Billy Ray Cyrus.

[Achy Breaky Heart Billy Ray Cyrus]

[kplr-radio]

Broadcast: Angelo Divine, 01/16/19

[Achy Breaky Heart Billy Ray Cyrus]

Angelo: Good morning, Kepler, this is 103.5 KPLR Radio, and that was “Achy Breaky Heart” by Billy Ray Cyrus. I hope y’all are doing well on this fine Wednesday morning. I’m here in the studio, drinking some coffee, and I’m excited for the day! Let’s get into the news, shall we? Traffic is still great, there’s still some ice on the roads but y’all seem to deal just fine with that. Weather is getting cloudy, with a chance of rain or hail this evening going on into tomorrow morning. The local hockey team, the Kepler Cosmos, is going against our bitter rivals, the Snowshoe Swans, this Friday, so be sure to get your tickets and support them. As is usual for Wednesdays at this point, I don’t have much news to report. At least, not officially. Why don’t I put on some songs to give y’all time to think, and when I get back I’ll take y’all’s calls on anything weird or creepy you saw these past few days. This is “The Gambler” by Kenny Rogers.

[The Gambler Kenny Rogers] [The Devil Went Down To Georgia Charlie Daniels Band] [Seven Year Ache Rosanne Cash]

Angelo: Alright, that was “The Devil Went Down to Georgia” by the Charlie Daniels Band, followed by “Seven Year Ache” by Rosanne Cash. Let’s see, who’s first?

Caller: Angelo, I was in the woods and I got like really high, and I saw a deer but I was so high I thought it was a pony! And then the deer didn’t expect me to be there, think I surprised it or some s*** and it freaked the hell out, backed up and then... and then it opened its freaking wings, man! I was hallucinating a LOT! Oh my gosh, it looked like that yellow one, that thing in my little pony like a Pegasus and it was CRAZY! LIKE, ACTUAL FEATHERED WINGS! Holy s***! And I screamed and went backward a couple steps and I then I started backin’ away saying like “oh my god, it’s Fluttershy don’t kill me Fluttershy!” And I think that pissed it off! It was like the deer looked so… It looked so, so pissed. like, it glared at me. it started staring me down with its little eyes and then f****** CHARGED and I ran SO FAR, right outta the forest. I had a near death experience with a deer with wings and it hates me now because I called it My Little Pony. Oh god angry deer. Pegasus. Degasus. How’s that Angelo, what’s that about?

Angelo: Oh, wow, that’s… something. I’ve never heard of a deer pegasus before. I’ll, uh, I’ll look into that and get back to you. I hope you’re okay, wherever you ended up, hopefully you’re safe now. I’d recommend not going back, wherever that was, and maybe just staying away from drugs for a bit. Uh, who’s next?

Caller: Hey, I was out with my nephew yesterday and I saw this real big bird just standing and staring from on top of the Pizza Hut sign. Couldn’t really tell what it looked like, it was way high up, but it had black feathers and big yellow eyes. Real mean-lookin’ guy. Ominous, almost, like you know how the black birds are omens? Yeah, I dunno. But considering what’s happened to that sign in the past, it seems a little scary, y’know?

Angelo: Well, that doesn’t sound good. Maybe stay away from the sign for a while, if you can. Hopefully the bird will go away and not knock it down. I gotta brush up on my “omens and auguries” notes, maybe those’ll have an explanation. Or maybe it was just a month late? Anyways, thanks for calling! It looks like that’s all the calls we got for now. I’ll play this PSA from our local Forest Service rangers, and then we’ll get back to the music.

[PSA Transcript: Hey y’all, this is Ranger Divine, reminding you of some winter safety tips. Number one: If you intend to go off of the main roads for any reason, you need to have snow chains on your tires. I can’t tell you how many calls I get saying someone tried to go down an uncleared dirt road and ended up getting stuck. I won’t put you on blast, but one of you has done it three times, and we can’t keep doing this. Number two: please don’t try to go out on any frozen bodies of water. We test them every day, and they’re not safe for recreational activities. We can’t have any of y’all drowning or getting hypothermia because you thought it would be fun to skate on an unregulated pond. That’s what the skating rink is for, folks. Number three: Plan ahead. If you know you’re gonna be out in the cold, bundle up as much as you can, and bring water. It may seem like this damp winter is all you need, but it makes it even easier to get dehydrated. Alright, that’s it, have fun y’all, be safe!]

[Fancy Reba McEntire] [Friends In Low Places Garth Brooks] [Wide Open Spaces Dixie Chicks]

Angelo: That was “Fancy” by Reba McEntire, “Friends In Low Places” by Garth Brooks, and “Wide Open Spaces” by Dixie Chicks. And an important reminder from Ranger Divine, AKA my sister. Don’t worry sis, I won’t embarrass you on air. Speaking of embarrassing though, it’s time for Angelo’s Advice Hour! Call in with your questions and I will answer them with the objectively correct advice.

[Disclaimer: Angelo Divine is not qualified to answer most questions definitively. All answers are purely conjecture and Angelo Divine is not liable for any negative results that may come from following his advice.]

Angelo: Alright, here’s our first struggling citizen, what can I help you with today?

Caller: Angelo, it’s me Bonnie again. How do you make friends with people? You’re like, really good at it. Also you’re doing amazing buddy, you’re so great at this show!

Angelo: Well, thank you, Bonnie. Honestly, I think I have an advantage, having grown up here in Kepler. You end up getting to know everybody in a small town like this. But really, it’s about finding something in common. And also it’s important to accept that some friendships just won’t be that deep. Sometimes a friend is just someone who’s always at the store at the same time as you, and you make small talk about your week. It’s about going in with no expectations and learning in real-time what to expect from someone. I hope that helps! Let’s see who’s next.

Caller: Angelo, do you have any recommendations for hot drinks or comfort foods for when you really need to relax? Had a really tiring past couple days. Thanks.

Angelo: I’m sorry to hear things haven’t been going well for you. My go-to is usually some kind of fancy coffee, but I’ll also drink a hot chocolate. And as far as food goes, I usually get some kind of pastry or something, or— okay, this is random, but those little sourdough pretzels you get in the barrel thing? I love those. And you can eat them with dips, too, like I’ll eat ‘em with my favorite spinach dip. That got a little off-track, but hopefully at least one of those recommendations was helpful. Let’s take a quick break, and then I’ll answer some more quandries. This is “High Note” by Mavis Staples.

[High Note Mavis Staples] [Jolene Dolly Parton] [Take Me Home, Country Roads John Denver]

Angelo: That was “Jolene” by Dolly Parton followed by “Take Me Home, Country Roads” by John Denver. Hello advice-needing listener, you are on the air!

Caller: Angelooooo, how do you deal with crushes?

Angelo: The age-old question. I’m assuming “deal with” means murder, right? You can’t have any vulnerabilities out there. Let’s see, I’d say seduce them to your home for a romantic dinner, and then poison the wine. No, I’m kidding. I mean, I’d say the best advice is “talk to them” but I know it’s not that easy. Depending on their schedule and yours, try to spend time with them, and be prepared to take no for an answer. A lot of the time, unless you’re making your romantic intentions very clear, people just might not want to hang out or they’re otherwise busy. Even if your intentions are clear, they might either not like you or just aren’t ready for a relationship. I’m gonna say, unless you’re being creepy, nine times out of ten it’s not personal when you get rejected. Alright, who’s up next?

Caller: Hey Angelo it's Cat. I know you said to stop doing this but I freaked out again— he stared at me for a solid three minutes unblinking what was I supposed to do?—  And am hiding in an undisclosed location. Again. So my question is: how do you deal with a scary co-worker?

Angelo: Cat, come on, he’s not even that scary. He’s honestly probably just messing with you. The trick is to scare him back. You gotta start leaving creepy messages on his desk, maybe draw a skull on a to-go cup full of coffee, that kind of thing. I mean, I just ruined those two things ‘cause now he’ll know I said that, but you know what I mean. That’s how you earn his respect. Anyways, looks like that’s all we got time for, I’ll play you all some music before I sign off for today. This is “Old Town Road” by Lil Nas X, and yes, this song is a country song.

[Old Town Road Lil Nas X] [If I Could Only Win Your Love Emmylou Harris] [Live a Little Kenny Chesney]

Angelo: Alright, that’s it for me today, I’ll see you all tomorrow. Real quick before my producer cuts me off I’m gonna plug my podcast “Scary Stories LLC,” it’s a horror comedy podcast where I have a different guest on each episode and we try and pitch a horror movie based on titles that were suggested by listeners. Okay I gotta go, have a good day, this is 103.5 KPLR Radio.

[kplr-radio]

Broadcast: Angelo Divine, 01/30/19

[The Gambler Kenny Rogers]

Angelo: That was “The Gambler” by Kenny Rogers. Hey everyone, it’s 6:01 on this fine Wednesday morning here on 103.5 KPLR Radio! I’m your host for the morning news, Angelo. Speaking of which, let’s do weather and traffic. Roads are clear, but there is some ice so keep an eye out. Weather is overcast but chances of rain are looking to be low. Another grey January day, you know how it is. Before I get into the rest of the news, let’s here a word from our sponsors.

[Audio advertisement transcript: Are you interested in the arcane? The mystical? The strange? Then come on down to The Witch Shed, this world's newest gateway into the world of magic. Our shelves are lined with all the items you'll need to fully access your arcane energies, and let out your inner witch.]

Angelo: Thanks to The Witch Shed for sponsoring us this week! I haven’t actually been there yet, I should go check it out. Alright, we’re getting deeper into hockey season, and our Kepler Cosmos have been on fire! They won against the Point Pleasant Moths and the Fairmont Fairies, and are looking to take on the Charleston Challengers this Saturday. That’s going to be an away game for us, so if you want to show up to support our team then you better make plans soon. Also, as we’re getting closer to spring, everyone’s favorite Kepler Kommunity Theater is asking for extra volunteers to assemble sets. That being said, if you see Mack on the street, do not make eye contact! Next thing you know you’ll be backstage with a screwdriver. That’s all for the news, folks, I’ll let you get back to the tunes. This is “Achy Breaky Heart” by Billy Ray Cyrus.

[Achy Breaky Heart Billy Ray Cyrus] [If I Could Only Win Your Love Emmylou Harris] [Thank God I’m A Country Boy John Denver]

Angelo: Those were “If I Could Only Win Your Love” by Emmylou Harris and “Thank God I’m A Country Boy” by John Denver here on 103.5 KPLR Radio. Y’know what I think it’s time for? Angelo’s Advice Hour. Call in with your questions and I’ll answer them with the best possible answer.

[Disclaimer: Angelo Divine is not qualified to answer most questions definitively. All answers are purely conjecture and Angelo Divine is not liable for any negative results that may come from following his advice.]

Caller: Angelo! you got any ideas for cryptid themed desserts?

Angelo: Oooh, that’s a good question. To be honest, I’m not much of a cook myself, so I’m not creative in the kitchen. Based on alliteration alone though, I think Mothman macaroons— macarons? I don’t know the difference. Those, maybe Bigfoot print-shaped cakes? Or, oh, you could do blue Jell-O with Nessie in it, that would be fun. Chupacabra cinnamon bites? I don’t know, I’m just saying things now. Hope that helps! Next caller, you’re on!

Caller: Angelo? I can see ominous big bird, I’m at around (insert place name where this could possibly happen), and, oh crap. He’s big, like ******* huge, man like 8 feet I think? Longish legs. Freaks me out. Feathers are a really dark blue and I see some yello-OH MY GOD HE LOOKED AT ME! HE’S LOOKING AT ME NOW OH MY GOD HE’S WALKING TOWARDS ME I’M BACKING AWAY HE’S GETTING CLOSER OH MY GOD **** AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH **** [click]

Angelo: Uh, well, I don’t— I don’t know how to help you, but hopefully you’re okay. I’m going to— I’m gonna put the music back on, I’ll be right back, I gotta check something. Uh, this is “High Note” by Mavis Staples.

[High Note Mavis Staples] [Live a Little Kenny Chesney] [Personal Jesus Johnny Cash]

Angelo: Okay, I’m back. That was “Live a Little” by Kenny Chesney and “Personal Jesus” by Johnny Cash. I’ll take the next advice caller now.

Caller: Hey it's Cat again what kind of coffee do you want? I forgot your order sorry. Also might be a bit late the cops are- ****! **** okay gotta run! Still answer though thanks I'm almost there!

Angelo: A latte, I guess— can you not break the law on live radio? Thanks. Hello, actual caller.

Caller: Hey there Angelo! I was wondering if you could answer this question that me and my friend have been debating. Is saltwater less moist than freshwater? Thank you!!!

Angelo: See, that depends on your definition of moist. If you mean wet, then they’re both wet. If you mean which one will leave dampness, the freshwater will be more damp because there’s not nearly as much salt to dry out your skin. And if I recall correctly, saltwater doesn’t create dew as much as freshwater does. That was a good question. Who’s next?

Caller: Hey it's Cat again! You look like a responsible adult so you should know the answer to this- how many shots of expresso can you fit in one cup before it's fatal? It's urgent.

Angelo: Now I have a feeling this is related to your last call so I’m going to say my go-to is one shot for every four ounces. What you do with this information is on you, because I said absolutely no total number of ounces or shots. I’m going to put the music back on while I have a talking-to with my coworkers about reasonable ******* behavior. This is “God’s Gonna Cut You Down” by Johnny Cash.

[God’s Gonna Cut You Down Johnny Cash] [A Working Man Can’t Get Nowhere Today Merle Haggard] [I Want A Cowboy Reba McEntire]

Angelo: Alright, I’ve returned. That was “A Working Man Can’t Get Nowhere Today” by Merle Haggard and “I Want A Cowboy” by Reba McEntire here on 103.5 KPLR Radio. And it looks like we’ve got time for one more caller. You’re live!

Caller: Hey! Talk about shadow people!

Angelo: Alright! I’m assuming you mean the cryptid, because that’s the one I have notes on. Shadow people have been reported all around the world, in many different contexts. Sometimes the shadows hover, other times they chase or attack people. They are usually a human shaped- blur of darkness, although they are reported to be larger than humans most of the time. Some are described as being almost misty in composition, while others are solid but featureless. Some have eyes, some don’t, and there have been attempts to classify shadow behavior by their eyes but due to the anecdotal nature of the research it’s hard to do. Thanks for giving me the opportunity to talk about a cryptid today, listener! My show is coming to an end, but if you want more horror and cryptid stuff you can check out my podcast “Scary Stories LLC” where me and a guest make up a horror movie based on listener suggestions. This is 103.5 KPLR Radio, and I leave you all with “Take Me Home, Country Roads” by John Denver.

[Take Me Home, Country Roads John Denver]