#andrew had a gigantic crush on that man and the feelings went both ways

[toastgoatteeth]

Fontryan is nice and all but we are all severely sleeping on bill mcdonough and andrew ryan. There are quite literally only two or three fics of them on AO3 and that is NOT enough. I will be rectifying this.

[siriusist]

 tagged by @anathenma WOO GIRL <3

rules: tag 10 followers you want to get to know better

name: Lauren

gender: Female

star sign: Virgo Sun || Leo Moon || Leo Ascendent, which basically means I have the usually quiet reserved personality of an analytical, organised virgo on the fact of things, am usually the goofy, chill friend amongst my friends, and don’t like to take anyone’s shit, but if I am disrespected, I’m a sensitive six foot flower and withdraw from the world until I can get over it. xD I don’t like conflict.

height: 183cm/6 feet 

age: 27 (YIKES XD)

wallpaper on my phone: (I had to check XD) A calendar of May 2020 stylistically arranged around ribbons

house: Slytherin

ever crush on a teacher: Both my parents and my uncle are teachers and consequently I knew every teacher in my school as actual human people and not ‘crushes’ growing up. So no. XD

coolest halloween costume: I went as the Starbucks logo one year when I was eight, a gigantic Lady Luck die one year with a top hat covered in poker chips and cards. I had some good ones I made: I was creative as fuck when I was 9-11 especially, and I had to be, because I was already around 5′7 and people assumed I was just some weirdo dressing up to get candy (Hearing ‘AREN’T YOU A LITTLE OLD TO BE TRICK OR TREATING’ at eleven CRUSHED me XD)

Favorite 90s tv show: 

Okay. So there’s one’s I watched actually as a child of the 90s, and ones that were just always ON in the 90s that I ended up watching. It’s debatable whether these are actually good NOW. XD

That being said, the background ones were Saved By the Bell (ZACH MORRIS IS TRAAAAassssh~~), Boy Meets World, Seinfeld, Everybody Loves Raymond.

As a kid, I loved the Aladdin Animated Series, The Hercules Animated Series, CHIP AND DALE RESCUE RANGERS (Which didn’t really hold up sadly but still has the best theme song of all time, fight me), and Timon and Pumbaa.

One I rarely caught but really liked was All That, The Wonder Years, Sabrina the Teenage Witch- occasionally Fresh Prince.

Out of all of these, I still have a super fond spot for Saved By the Bell, especially with the ‘Zach Morris is Trash’ series on Youtube (Seriously, go watch it. It’s fucking hilarious and basically breaks down how much of a serial killer in the making Zach Morris is XD). The clothing is ridiculous and no one really dressed like that in the early 90s outside of commercials and TV (unfortunately). Maybe one shoddy item out of the bunch. Meanwhile Saved by the Bell is like LETS PUT IT ALL ON. XD It was terrible once they got to college, but it was stupid and fun and made me feel ‘cool’ watching it because I was like three and being like, “YEAH, IT’S BRIGHT AND THESE PEOPLE ARE COOL AND I CAN FOLLOW THE PLOT. I’M MATURE.” XD It’s literally still the only one of these I actively watch now in the form of Zach Morris is Trash, so I’ll go with it. xD

Last kiss: Never had a consensual kiss. Make of that what you will. xD

Have you ever been stood up: Nope.

Favourite pair of shoes: 

I have terrible plantar fasciitis from sports, so I’m a shoe snob, and have to have properly fitting/constructed shoes. It depends on what I’m doing in them, really. I got a pair of trail running shoes for trail running during COVID, but they’re not the most aesthetically pleasing. I’d say the best mixture between comfort and style are either a good ol’pair of black ankle boots with a slight heel (so I can be 6′2 and intimidate people with my height muhahahaha), or more practically on a day to day basis, I have a pair of Reeboks that are 90s-styled with pastel pink and blue triangles on the side. They’re pretty dope. xD

have you ever been to vegas: No, but my parents have. Basically, they said you tire of shopping after two days, and then you’re just stuck inside hotels and shopping malls there. If you’re not a gambler, drinker, or have a ton of money to splash out on stage shows, I don’t think it’s particularly worth going.

favorite fruit: Mango or raspberry, but they’re super-expensive in the land of Maple Syrup so I usually don’t get them any other way other than frozen in smoothies.

Favourite book:

 I could never choose a favourite book. It’s literally like choosing between children. It’s my microcosmic version of Sophie’s Choice. xD Tasteless joke aside, it’d honestly depend on the occasion. There’s a huge difference between entertainment reading, literary exploits, and educating yourself through books as a whole. 

My ‘plane’ book (which I’m terrible at flying, so that was a joke), as in, an easy, fun, instantly rereadable read to read on the plane when I used to have super long fifteen hour flights to Australia, was always Mario Puzo’s ‘The Godfather,’ because I also had a huge crush on Michael Corleone. 

But it’s also not the ‘best’ book and literally spends an inordinate and honestly disturbing amount of time on the fact that this poor woman in the story (which thankfully in the film, it gets cut down), but the bridesmaid Sonny Corleone has sex with, and how you see his wife indicating his ‘size’?

THAT’S LITERALLY AN ENTIRE SUBPLOT OF THIS BROAD’S STORY I SHIT YOU NOT BECAUSE NOTHING IS ‘BIG’ ENOUGH FOR HER AFTER HIM AND THEN YOU FIND OUT SHE HAS A MEDICAL CONDITION AND GOOD FOR HER SHE’S ABLE TO FIND LOVE AGAIN BUT WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK MARIO PUZO XD IT WAS A LOT OKAY.

(Footnote: I also suffered through his horrific sequels because I love Michael Corleone and will take him in any form he comes in, even horrifically written Sicilian backhill exploits that were never told to us in the original book and were clearly just written because Puzo needed another pay check but I digress.)

Horrific subplots aside, I really enjoy The Godfather for its sheer pulpiness. The book is essentially what Andrew Lloyd Weber is to musicals. xD (Yes, I come with musical theatre burns. Fight me.)

In terms of a piece of literature that I think is amazingly well done? Things Fall Apart by Chinua Achebe, or Fahrenheit 451 by Ray Bradbury.

Stupidest thing you ever done: 

Um, maybe when I was at Cambridge I tried to dye my roots to match the rest of my ‘blonde’ hair at the time, and it turned out bright orange? And because it’s Cambridge, they had this super-strict attendance policy, so I was literally trying not to hyperventilate because it was running close to class (which was across campus) and I was trying to find some way to remedy my hair without it falling out/ someone asking about it. So, I grabbed a toque-cap-thing despite it being literally one of the hottest summer on record in the UK (It was like 35 degrees, it was MENTAL), and had to sprint to class all the way on the other side of campus from my college dodging dodgy tourist groups blocking the sidewalk while I went. Then when I sat down inside, I had to be weirdly rude and wear my hat inside the lecture hall even though the professor was looking at me (it was a specialised program in German Literature) like, “Are you going to take that shit off?” xD THEN I tried to dye it back to brown, and it literally looked like mud mixed with a runny egg had exploded on the top of my head; it was AWFUL. XD So FINALLY I did my research and found a salon, but by THAT point I had done 250 pounds worth of damage to my hair (WHICH IS LIKE 400 DOLLARS CANADIAN AT THE TIME), and I almost had a heart attack and thanked my lucky stars that I had money put away so I could give my parents the ‘parent price’ when they asked why they hadn’t seen me on FaceTime or Skype for like, three weeks, and I replaced my face with a photo of John Cleese from Fawlty Towers, which they tease me about to this day. xD

The other dumbest thing I ever said was when I was so desperate for friends in grade six when I moved to a new school (and because being American was ‘cool’ at the time, apparently), I told everyone I was a dual citizen because my mother LITERALLY GAVE BIRTH TO ME ON THE BORDER CROSSING WHAT. XD And bless this poor bespectacled girl named Mara (who was actually a little class friend of mine), who just said timidly in the back, “That’s not how citizenship works.” xD It basically came out of attempting to be cool and failing, but I’m still SO embarrassed about THAT one that I’d never admit it to ANYONE besides shouting it out into the Tumblr black hole. xD I’m still embarrassed to THIS DAY.

All time favorite shows: 

 I’ll go for the original run of The Twilight Zone, which has some schmaltzy episodes (I’m really not a fan of any of the episodes entirely dedicated to the Space Race or the weird cowboy fanaticism of the fifties/ sixties, or anything that’s overtly like “ALIENS DID IT SO THERE”), but I LOVE their psychological horror episodes or Dystopian episodes. It’s when Rod Serling’s writing and narrative voice is the strongest and most prophetic, and the twists are usually the best. Other shows have tries to imitate it, or reboot it, but I really think the original, due to Rod Serling’s unmatchable voice, in every sense of the word. There’s lists of some of the greatest episodes, but I remember LOVING the episode ‘A Stop at Willoughby.’ The twist literally made me clap my hands in horror and delight, it was amazing. xD

Other than that? Off the top of my head, Mad Men and Band of Brothers, even though I haven’t rewatched either in ages.

last movie you saw in theaters: 

Oh God, before all THIS hit? Probably Rise of Skywalker. I get agoraphobic and itchy if a movie theatre is too busy, and we only have really pokey sort of ones nearby that you’re guaranteed to see someone you went to high school with (terrible), so now that I can properly drive I go out to the big redneck theatre out in the boonies. I miss living in Montreal though, because when you live in a big city like that downtown (and can actually afford to live there), you could see blockbuster movies at like ten in the morning. xD Which would be AMAZING because I’d go to see any of the early Avengers/Marvel movies when they opened, the day of opening, and it was literally me, one old man who fell asleep halfway through and sat near the back, and maybe an elderly couple on a morning date to the movies. xD I get really annoyed with obnoxious movie-goers, and I’m really picky about just being completely absorbed in the movie, so I tend not to go unless I’m guaranteed that space. 

tagging: Anyone who wishes to tag me back so I can learn about them <3

[mygiantesslove]

SHRUNK

SHRUNK was written by a guy called MicroSteven, not by me.  I am uploading it here as a favor to several people who want to read it.  If you are the author of this and object to having it uploaded here, please let me know and I will remove it at once.  You could tell by the way Joe was walking down the street that he was in a bad mood.  He was out for a walk in his neighborhood, trying to relax.  He crossed the street about three blocks from his house and turned the corner. Suddenly, two boys on skateboards came tearing around the corner from the opposite direction. Joe narrowly missed getting smashed by both of them by mere inches. He jumped back, startled, then began yelling at the pair of 13-year-olds.    "Watch where the hell you're going!" he shouted. "Damn! Sorry, Mister!!" said Andrew, a blond youth about five feet tall with mischievous blue eyes.     "Man! Thank God we missed you!" said TJ, who was slightly taller than Andrew, with darker hair and eyes.     "You little bastards shouldn't be cutting across the corner like that!" Joe complained.     "We're really sorry about that, Mister", Andrew said, "But we do it all the time and we never had a problem before."      "So true", agreed TJ.      "Are you trying to be a smartass?!", snapped Joe. "Where do you two live? I wonder if your parents know they have out of control brats for sons?!" "Oh no," thought Andrew, "Just what my dad needs... another excuse to punish me." Andrew was getting pissed---after all, he had apologized and no harm had been done.   He didn't want to get punished for something he didn't do!    "You kids could have broken my leg or crushed my toes with those boards!", Joe said.  Now both Andrew and TJ were getting nervous… and pissed. Couldn't this guy just drop it? What was his problem?    "Well?", Joe demanded nastily.    "Well, what?", Andrew countered, really ticked off at Joe's continued nastiness.    Joe was fuming and looked as if he was going to grab Andrew. All of a sudden Andrew raised his right arm and pointed directly at Joe.    "Don't touch me, man!", warned Andrew.    "Why you little...", was as far as Joe got as he stepped towards the boys.                 The next thing Joe knew, he was looking up in shock at a pair of giant boys, each with one Airwalk clad foot on a skateboard.  "This can't be happening!", Joe said to himself.  Andrew and TJ exchanged brief glances... and then grinned slyly.     "Well, I haven't had to do THAT for awhile!", Andrew said.     "Yeah, I know.",  TJ agreed.      Looking around, Joe realized that the boys weren't giants, but that HE had somehow shrunk to about an inch or so tall.  An ant crawled past… it was as big as his shoe. Joe screamed…like a fool!                "Oh shut up!", Andrew sneered. "You don't need to worry about getting your toes crushed by our skateboards anymore. Does he, TJ?"      "Nope!", TJ replied, grinning slightly.      "Thank God!", Joe thought to himself. He couldn't understand what had happened. "Don't worry...", began Andrew, "I wouldn't dream of crushing your toes with my skateboard....but I WILL crush your whole BODY! And I wouldn't do THAT with anything but my SMELLY BAREFOOT!!!                Both Andrew and TJ started to crack up at this.    "This CAN'T be happening..", Joe muttered to himself. TJ looked at Andrew and both boys slipped one foot each out of their HUGE Airwalks. Neither of them was wearing socks on this hot summer day.  "We really hope you like big smelly feet, Mister!", Andrew said.    "Yeah!", continued TJ, "REALLY smelly! hehehehe!!" Then he looked over  at Andrew and asked: "Can I go first?"                "Sure," Andrew said, "But DON'T smoosh him just yet!"     Joe was horrified. He KNEW he was in trouble. TJ looked down at Joe's tiny body, and lifted his massive sweaty bare right foot and using his toes, began to touch  Joe.  The smell was unbelievable!!! TJ's foot smelled like it hadn't been washed in a week...but it had actually been only four days.    "Smell my foot, bitch!!", TJ sneered down at Joe.    "DO IT!", demanded Andrew, "or I'll squash you myself RIGHT NOW!!"     TJ lowered his gigantic stinky foot onto Joe's helpless little body.     "SMELL", TJ said slowly. He spread his toes and wiggled them all over Joe, who couldn't help but breath in the foot fumes of the giant boy.     "I think I'll smoosh you into my toe jam!", TJ said. Joe was freaking out, completely helpless and at the mercy of these two giant boys, he had been threatening just a few moments before.  Andrew watched his friend intently, staring at his hot smelly foot, which TJ further lowered, pinning Joe beneath. Joe's head was in the gap between TJ's two biggest toes.     TJ sneered down at Joe, savoring the power he had over him. "I could crush you like a bug, and it wouldn't make one bit of difference to me, bitch!", TJ said.    "Before we MAKE you into toe jam," Andrew said, "I want you to bury your face between each of my friend's toes and eat up all the crud that's in there!"    Joe hesitated. TJ spoke, "DO IT, BITCH!! Eat my disgusting TOE CHEESE!!" He wiggled his toes once again all over Joe's minuscule body.    TJ giggled, "This ROCKS!!!"    "YUP!", Andrew replied.     Joe slowly began to fill his mouth with the sweat, dirt and dead skin trapped between TJ's massive smelly toes. Joe was completely humiliated. Both boys chuckled in delight. TJ shifted his huge foot, trapping Joe beneath the sole. "Lick the filthy bottom of my foot!", TJ ordered.      Joe didn't move.     "DO IT!", Andrew demanded. Still, Joe did nothing.      TJ spoke, "Listen, BITCH, we KNOW where your house is! We can go right up to it and do the same exact thing to your wife and kids!"      Joe knew they were serious. He began to lick the giant's sole, tasting salt and the stench of gigantic skater sneakers. TJ grinned, enjoying the feeling of a tiny man licking and worshipping his stinky foot.     "Don't squish him", Andrew warned TJ, "He's  MINE!"      Joe was paralyzed with fear. TJ removed his monstrous barefoot from Joe's prone body and Andrew stepped towards the shrunken man. "You are going to DIE under my friend's SMELLY FOOT!!", TJ laughed.     Joe looked up into the blond boy's eyes and he KNEW he would not survive this.    "Look at my huge sweaty foot!", Andrew ordered. "It's horribly smelly and the lowest part of my body...but YOU are even lower!"     He raised his mammoth barefoot and held it a couple of inches above Joe.     "Look at it!", Andrew continued, "Sniff it. Kiss it. This is what is going to end your life. Think about it...you are going to die under my FILTHY FOOT! Everything you have done in your life has led up to this moment...just so you could be stepped out of existence by my giant foot. You are too pathetic for us to allow you to live on the same planet as two Gods like me and TJ!"      Joe couldn't move.      "I like what you were saying before, TJ", Andrew said, "I think tomorrow we'll go to his house and shrink his wife and kids. They're brats anyway!"       "KEWL!!", TJ replied, looking down at Joe, "I can't WAIT to feel your kids turn to mush under my heel!"       Both boys giggled.       Andrew began to lower his bare foot onto Joe.       Andrew spoke, "This foot is going to squish all your loved ones,  too! HA HA HA HA!!!! How do you like THAT?! You like being under my big foot, BITCH?!" Joe felt as insignificant as an insect that had gotten in Andrew's way...and basically, that's all he was now.      "You know what? My little brother HATES your son!", Andrew mused. "I think I'll give your boy to him to play with! My brother LOVES to kill things! HAHAHAHA! Your son is going to die under a ten-year-old boy's SMELLY FOOT!! THAT is the FUNNIEST!!!" Joe was too numb to respond.      "I'm gonna splootch your body under my foot and grind you into goo!", Andrew threatened. "Then I'm gonna get you all smooshed up between my toes and walk around with you in my shoe! You like that?!"      "You are nothing!", Andrew went on. "You threaten us with going to our parents because we almost hit you on our skateboards?! HA! I guess we showed YOU! You are so PATHETIC! You were born just so I could feel you squish under my foot!"     TJ watched intently, loving every minute of the fun.     "Now bitch...DIE!!!!", yelled Andrew as he pinned Joe's body under the ball of his still sweaty foot. He began to apply pressure and laughed when he felt Joe's ribcage give way suddenly. Andrew ground his bare foot back and forth slowly, grinding the life out of Joe.      "Die under my foot", Andrew whispered. He could see Joe's face between his toes. He spit a huge glob of saliva into Joe's face. Then he shifted his foot, and pinned Joe's spit-covered face under his big toe, applying just enough pressure to pop Joe's head like a grape. Andrew stared down at his toes and watched as his foot slowly and methodically turned Joe into paste. TJ came over, and they each removed their other shoe, and then began smooshing and wiggling their toes in Joe's pulpy remains. They went on doing this for a couple of minutes, relishing their might and power...knowing they could do this to anyone, anytime. All that was left of Joe was a few stains on the white concrete sidewalk and some mush on the bottoms of the boys' feet. Some bits of Joe ended up ground into the rancid insoles of the boys' shoes. What a pathetic way to end up!      Thinking about their plans for Joe’s family, TJ said, "MAN! I can't WAIT for tomorrow!!"     "Neither can I!" - Now read part 2 -