#and your spouse is truly hilarious so they always defeat you with the power of extremely cheesy oneliners

[abronzeagegod]

"Well well well. Mister Darkness was it?" you say.

The villain does a very good job of suppressing his fear and not jumping out of his skin when you suddenly appeared in the middle of his lair, sitting behind his desk, with your feet up.

"Who are you? How did you get in here?" the villain demands.

"That's a question for later. First, I need to ask you something: do you have someone in your life that makes you want to be better? Someone that you look at with fondness and joy and decide that you will be better to be the person that they want you to be?"

"No. I am my own man. I strive for perfection because I am and will be the best."

"How sad. How lonely for you. See, I found that person. They are not the greatest hero in the world, nor the strongest. But they are the best. The brightest. They're so goddamn good that they just inspire everyone around them, even me, even me with all the crime and evil that stain my hands. They love me, and for them I would do anything. Even retire." He lets you monologue. Part of the reason you were such a great villain was you loved a good monologue. All villains love a good monologue. It's just that your power required you to speak, a lot, so maybe this villain isn't as smart as you think he could be. "I own a flower shop now. We have two cats: Missile Launcher and Bartholemeow."

Mister Darkness started to shift nervously. He still hadn't figured out who you were yet. Which means you really need to thank the people who set up your retirement package. But the shifting makes it so that you know your power is working, despite all this time not using it.

"Now you've taken the person that is my whole reason for nothing being a terrible murderous villain anymore and I'm having some trouble reigning in my old tendencies. I mean, you know what they say about old habits. So how about we do an even trade? You give me back my spouse, and I tell you how I got in."

Mister Darkness was starting to get really antsy, scratching at phantom itches. "I want you out of here."

"Or what? You can't stop me. You didn't even know I was here."

"Fine! Deal! Deal!" He pulls out a small comm unit that looked like a walkie-talkie which you found very funny but couldn't laugh about it now. If you laughed it would break the hold your power had over him. "Release the prisoner!"

"But... boss!" came the voice on the other end.

"DO IT!" Mister Darkness yelled.

"Good," you say. "Now, you never figured out who I am. So I don't want to spoil that surprise, I'll let you figure it out on your own. But I will say that spreading fear and paranoia is my stock and trade, and people make lots of very stupid decisions when they act out of extreme paranoia. So did the guards forget to leave the doors locked? Did someone do it deliberately? Are all of your goons and mooks trying to undermine you by letting me in? Who can say? But you really shouldn't have let me talk for this long."

The longer you talk, the more words you can string together without stopping the stronger the sense of fear and paranoia you can instill in the people who hear you. And Mister Darkness really just let you go. The only person to ever stop you was your spouse who constantly interrupted you and asked you a lot of truly valid and intelligent questions.

But Mister Darkness was deep within the throes of your power and was probably going to terminate some of his henchmen's contracts. That's not your problem. You got up, strode out of the room with confidence as the paranoia burrowed deep within the substandard villain, and got your spouse out of the small prison cell.

"Hey honey, let's go home."

"We gotta feed Missile Launcher, I'm sure she's super upset with us."

"Of course."

i have a kofi

You’re a retired S-tier supervillain. After you retired, you married a B-tier hero. You are forced back onto the stage when an A-tier villain attempts to kill your spouse.