#and yet it meant everything to jaewon

[usertoxicyaoi]

“No, it’s okay. I don’t want a new camera.” THE EIGHTH SENSE (2023). 

[durifmdarchived]

secret sibling audition self para.

date: sometime in july 2020. character(s) involved: kangaroo and peanut butter make a guest appearance. finn and angel are mentioned. there’s also a mention of @fmdting & decipher.  about: duri auditions to be on secret siblings. truly, probably one of the perfect shows for him considering how friendly he is. he also is crossing his fingers for someone younger than himself, because he wants to care for them and dote on them, thank you. trigger warnings: n/a. word count: 1,524.

it was yet another thing that bc entertainment management wanted duri to audition for; possibly to milk more good pr out of the male. but, he did actually look forward to possibly being on secret siblings. it’s something that’s very much his thing; as he’s a very friendly person, who really just quite enjoys being surrounded by as many people as he possibly could be. though, he does like his bit of alone time to read and write, but he was still a very big fan of being around friends. he looked forward to possibly gaining a new idol friend through the show, and maybe that’s why he really wanted to do it. even though bc entertainment had their clear intentions, but duri thought that maybe they really thought it would be something good for him as well. he really needed to stop giving bc entertainment the benefit of the doubt. but, it was something that would simply continue on; because he always thought of good in everyone... even the greedy bc entertainment. 

he had gone into the backyard of the home that’s shared with kai, kangaroo and peanut butter had followed him to where he was going to do the self cam for the audition. finn and angel were off in the shade, not wanting to step foot into the rather sunny heat. but, that was more than okay with him, they’d just peak up every now and then to make sure duri was still there. he had gotten his camera ready, before he would sit down upon the grass, close to a tree, but still in the sun. he wanted to feel the warmth and it really just felt like the perfect spot to currently do the self camera audition - plus, it wasn’t going to rain, and he wanted as much sun before the sky would decide to downpour once again. upon sitting down, peanut butter had decided that they best place to put himself was in duri’s lap, with kangaroo just running around in the sun; he’d get tired easily though, simply because it’s always been a bit hard for him to hold himself up on just three legs. nonetheless, duri was ready to start. he’d press record on it, and he’d begin. 

“hello! i’m knight’s duri!” he greets the camera, before bowing with his greeting.  “shall we get started on the audition?” he asked, before giggling. his other hand would place upon peanut butter every now and then, however, it would move to read off the questions upon his phone. 

“what are your concerns these days?” he reads off the first question. it takes a few seconds to decide how he’s going to answer the question. does he lie about his concerns? does he be honest about what he wants to say? he’s not entirely sure what would be best. maybe, he should just lie, say everything is okay. that always seemed to be the best plan of action, didn’t it? 

looking upon the camera again, he begins to speak. “i don’t think i have concerns these days?” he starts, giggling a bit more after saying that line. “i’m living really happily and healthily! i don’t really have many complaints,” he said, shoulders shrugging softly. “i guess... if i had to pick a concern, maybe some more time to rest! but, i think that’s just something small. i’m really happy!” he said, his smile growing a bit. it wasn’t a total lie, he is really happy. but, he could really just use some more sleep. he was truly being overworked, but he didn’t want to complain. he would just continue to move on and be glad that at his age, so many products wanted him to be in cfs, and people still really wanted to hear the music that he puts out. so, there really can’t be many concerns for him to take part in. 

“next question!” he says, before looking down at his phone again to read off the question. “which same-sex idols do you look up to or want to get to know better?” he reads off, before looking back to the camera.

“oh, that one is easy!” he starts. “i really look up to all the members of decipher! but, i think everyone already knows that,” he said, laughing softly. “i just really like decipher sunbaenims and their music! they’re just really cool and they’re such free guys! i hope knight and myself have left as much of an impact on the industry as they have!” he said. “for who i want to get to know better... i think ting from unity is someone i’d like to get to know better! i’ve met him a few times because i’m close with jaewon and soo, but i haven’t gotten to know ting as well!” he said, giggling softly. “plus, i’ve read a lot online that some people think we look alike.” he said, giggling a bit more; though, his smile did grow quite a bit more.  “i think that’s all i can think of!” he said, finishing off the question. 

he looked down at his phone once more, “for the third question...” he starts, but gets interrupted by kangaroo, who came over to lick all over duri’s cheek, which seemingly made him laugh like a toddler. “hello kangaroo!” he greets the dog and pets him softly, especially scratching behind his ears. kangaroo would run off again, having his adventure; whilst the youngest one stayed within his lap for a nap. “sorry about that! third question!” he says to the camera, before finally reading it off. “do idol schedules make it hard for you to meet up with friends and talk? if yes, do you feel that is hard on you? if no, how do you manage to make time?” he says, before thinking upon it for a few moments. 

“i think idol schedules do tend to make it a bit harder to meet up with friends. sometimes, when my friends aren’t working, i’m working, and vice versa. however, my school friends, such as jinsol and hanui, have always come to everything that i’ve done to support me whenever they can! i try really hard to also do that for everyone else, especially my idol friends. but, i do my best with to manage to make time to spend time with my friends, especially because i really like getting to be with my friends and hang out with them! if there’s free time in my schedule, i spend it with friends, if they’re free too!” he said, the ending of his answer sounding very happy and chipper. it was something that’s incredibly difficult to manage, but he always tries his best to give his time to everyone that wanted his time. 

“ah, are we already on our final question?” he said, “i was having so much fun,” he spoke. his words sounded a lot more cute than he meant for it to sound, but that was very much just duri, to say the least. “okay, the final question is... if you could create your ideal menu for a meal with a friend, what would it include?” he says. he giggled softly, especially since it was really a question meant for him. cooking is something that he really just loves to do, especially for others. 

“i think for the first course, we’d start out with some bimbap or tteokbokki! i’ve always enjoyed both bimbap and tteokbokki, but they’d be our starter, because they don’t really fill be up. for the main course, i’d do korean barbecue with a lot of sides, just to make sure my friend would eat a lot! i really like making a lot of food as well, so i’d probably go overboard with the sides...” he says, giggling once more. “for dessert, i’d do my aunt’s hotteok recipes! there’s a lot of different ones that she makes for her and my uncle’s café... chocolate hotteok, apple cinnamon hotteok, pear cinnamon hotteok... ah, so many really good ones!” he says, giggling once again. “i think that would be my perfect menu to cook someone!” he nodded. 

“thank you so much for watching my audition and considering me! i really hope you chose me!” he says, before bowing towards the camera, and coming back up. “goodbye!” he spoke again, waving to the camera. 

he’d turn the camera off, before he’d move to record the voice recording for his possible future secret sibling. he’d press record button, before talking into it. 

“hello secret sibling! i’m really excited to get the chance to meet you and i really hope you’re excited as well!” he said, giggling once more. “i hope through secret sibling, we’ll get to become like real siblings! i’m looking forward to getting to take care of you during our time together and having lots of fun! i promise we’ll have lots of fun and do fun things! please look forward to getting to know me! see you soon!” 

with that, he’d turn the recording off, and make his way to send everything off to management, so they’d be able to submit his audition to secret sibling.

[fmdjaewonarchive]

► misfit.

date(s): 10 october 2020 mentions of: n/a word count: +/- 750 warnings: vomit tw, anxiety tw, panic attack tw, in general a whole lot of mental health/self esteem issues read at your own discretion details: fmdos3, i know i said i’d stop being mean to jaewon but i’m a fucking liar so... we’re back on our regularly scheduled jaewon vs crippling anxiety regarding literally anything in his life programming. this whole thing is literally just jaewon going through it ab the results of the last round plus the new mission, that’s literally all that happens

it had been two days since the eliminations and truth be told, jaewon wasn’t sure if the tremble in his hands and nauseatingly rapid heartbeat had left him ever since.

okay, that was a little dramatic, even for jaewon’s doing, of course he hadn’t felt this physically unwell ever since nearly being eliminated. but that didn’t change the fact that the anxiety that had taken a few hours to shake from his system was back now with a vengeance after a refractory period of only two days.

(which, by the way he had handled really gracefully. not like he had thrown up from anxiety the minute he had come off set after only just making it to the next round. such thing wouldn’t happen to jaewon, he wasn’t the kind of person who’s nerves got the best of him to the point it made him physically sick. oh no wait, that was exactly what had happened and that was exactly the kind of person he was. stil, no one had to know that.)

jaewon was starting to notice a trend during these days designated to giving them their new missions to work on for the rest of the month. said trend being that he really hated these filming days. truth be told, with his anxiety running rampant, jaewon found himself hating almost every day on set (he tried to remind himself that he wanted this, that he had signed up for this out of his own motivation) but the start of a new mission was always just that little bit extra overwhelming, mainly because they just dumped a month’s worth of information and then told him to fuck off and figure it out. or well, after giving a response to that on camera. preferably, a composed response.

spoiler alert: jaewon never felt particularly composed during those interviews. still, he had to make the best of them, even when they kept asking him what exactly his plan was for the next mission. like he had even begun to progress what exactly said mission was at that point.

of course, technically, jaewon knew what the task was. this time, they wanted him to write a song for someone else, someone he didn’t know. all he had was the absolute bare minimum of information. a female vocalist with a high-pitched voice who wanted to sing a love song. it couldn’t be further removed from his own music than that. he’d need a moment to think through how he was going to tackle this.

a moment away from all these fucking cameras at that, he couldn’t think here, not when his mind was already so occupied with overanalyzing his every move, his every breath. jaewon might have been coming apart at the seams but he’d be damned if he showed anyone that, leave alone on camera for a show that would jump at the opportunity to create drama.

but for today, they were done, which meant he could go home, take another day or two to recover from the absolutely bone-rattling anxiety he experienced over the last few days and then get to work on a new song, hoping that this one would do better than the last.

it was a vicious cycle really, one jaewon doubted he’d be able to break until this whole thing was over. but considering that his run on the show ending would most certainly mean being eliminated (or winning, but jaewon didn’t dare to believe he’d be able to pull that off, he’d been hopeful after the first round as well and look at the price he was paying for that) he would have to continue going through the same steps again, the only difference each time around being that it somehow got harder and hard with every round.

as loud as the sneer in the back of his mind was, the taunt that he couldn’t do this, that he’d never been skilled enough to be here in the first place and that after a miracle in the first round (or had it been pity?) his luck had truly run out. as much as every passing day working on the show felt like being eye to eye with his own crippling incompetence. as much as jaewon wanted to just give up, to succumb to the overwhelming need to drop just about everything in his life, not just this cursed competition. he couldn’t. not yet. he was here to prove a point to dimensions and it was far too late to back out now.

[syxjaewon]

riddle me this

@neosy​

when ares sends a missive to jaewon’s comms with the words “hacker onboard?” the captain knows it’s his cue to dust the strands and grime of this world off his boots, off his shadows, off his hemline, the tipoff job he’s been waiting for taking too long to get to him, with too thin margins and too high risks, and he knows it’s now or never. he’s been hunkering down in this alleyway for too long already, his contact having ignored all his messages thus far, an hour past due. ares was right, this wasn’t worth it, not on a planet like this one, not on a continent like this one-- seething spies and toothy grins around every corner, and everyone’s got more sets of eyes than they deserve.

so he abandons it, strides long-legged out of the deadend and pulls his coat around himself, the sun lowering over the horizon, beams peering in through building walls, shining and gleaming, amplifying jaewon’s own golden hue, his hair and his skin and his eyes glittering and inflamed, catching the rays and absorbing them as though he does it all on purpose. he returns to his ship with his coat tucked tightly against him, his vallurian blood not enjoying the crisp atmosphere at all, begging for the warmth and comfort of his bedroom blankets, a steaming shower, neo somewhere onboard. he’s given ares the instructional duty of flying serenity until they can come up with a pilot, at least part of the time, a position the proto duly detests but which jaewon gives no fucks about, so when he comms the bridge to tell the merc that he’s arrived and it’s time to take off, the exchange goes something like this:

“i’m on, take her out.”

“yeah yeah, fuck you.”

jaewon rolls his eyes and hangs up, tearing his way through the cargo bay, up the steps and into the corridor where the bunks all stagger, his mind threading through the loss and gain of the day, comparing monetary and long-term profit or lack thereof, his boots thundering across the floor railing, echoing out across the hull. he’s nearly to his bunk when he hears it, soft and blooming, the way a flower might sound if persuaded by the wind to sing an ode to the sky, the way waves must sound as they brush and crush against the shoreline, lovely and calm, something soothing and harmonious about the tenor of it. lianna’s voice in the kitchen.

there’s nothing particular about lianna being in the mess hall, but the added effect a secondary voice is what strikes at him, the low feminine cadence of his newest member filtering in through his ship’s lining, beguiling like a trap dripped in honey, saturated in a lifetime’s worth of sinister conniving. they’ve met each other then, he deduces, two pieces of the same puzzle, two equations that, on the surface, have next to nothing to do with each other, and yet have become so integral to the development of the other, to the growth of their paralleled universes, the two of them creating the answer to a question asked so long ago, costing the lives of too many, breaking the faith of too many:

what is the alliance hiding?

he foregoes his warmth, he foregoes his solace and his comfort, all thoughts of wrapping himself up in fabric or neo’s arms banished from his mind, refocusing on his task, recentering himself on his duties as a captain, as a pirate, as a sergeant in a lost war, as the orphan of a murdered mother, and the holder of a singular key that could undo everything, everything, everything. he ignites himself, inhaling and releasing, the edges of his countenance firm and bracing, a mountain of a man with a planet-sized goal, his teeth sharp enough to bite down into the throat of his problems and draw blood, his hands strong enough to lift his burdens and carry them out to whatever bitter end the verse has in store for him. this is his path, there will be no deviations.

he strides into the mess hall and sees the hacker known as blue seated at the table, lianna in the kitchenette off to the side, explaining rather languidly about how she’d had to trick a merchant into selling her herbs and spices at a remarkably decreased rate, how she’s practically a thief herself, how she’s practically a brigand like the rest of them, and not simply one of the most gorgeous young women alive, and beautiful people tend to get whatever they want.

“you could have asked that man for his liver and he would have given it to you, lianna.” jaewon’s voice is dry and curt, meant to cut her off mid-sentence and expunge this obstinate train of thought. he knows what she wants, he knows she thinks she can be useful to them as a pirate. he’s not about to let it fester, he’s not about to let it grow like a weed. “That doesn’t make you sly. i see you’ve met blue.” he turns his attention to the hacker, his serious gaze pinning to her coy, perpetually grinning eyes.

“i’m making soup,” lianna announces by way of an excuse. he glances down at her dress, an immaculate piece, white and stainless and out of place amidst serenity’s dingy, dated countertops and cabinets, his brows furrowing slightly in confusion, even as he keeps his mouth shut. “i’ll make enough for you as well, captain.”

he understands; it’s not an offer. it’s a threat. lianna’s cooking is not something to admire but it is a solid enough reason for her to remain in the kitchen with blue and create a difficulty for him in pulling the hacker away; whatever hopes he’d had in speaking to her privately are meant to diminish. she smiles sweetly at him and his frown darkens, before turning back to the third person in the room. “is there another name you would like to be called while aboard my ship? since blue isn’t exactly a secret alias out in the verse.”

[prettywordsyouleft]

The Sex Contract - Chapter 24

Genre: friends to lovers au / friends with benefits / mature content / romance / angst

Characters: Shim Changmin x Kaia Ashton (OC)

A/N: Due to the overwhelming request I have followed your encouragement to bring back one of my older stories. This was back in a time where OCs were everything and writing one chapter in each main’s point of view was the trend. I hope that even though I have edited this drastically, that you can appreciate this story comes from my older style of writing. I definitely still read this often and find it enjoyable so I hope you will too.

Prologue | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 16 | 17 | 18 | 19 | 20 | 21 | 22 | 23 | 24 | 25 - FINAL

Chapter 24 – Kaia’s POV.

The buzz was audible before Kaia even entered the office and she gulped, wondering how bad the news was after her disappearance on Saturday evening. She had already seen the photos of Changmin in the Press pit with Abby, but the girl was keeping tight-lipped about the entire ordeal. It made Kaia concerned and with all the noise as she climbed the stairs up to Korea Star, she became nervous as to what her punishment was going to be. Opening the door, Kaia stopped in her tracks once inside, blinking rapidly. The two figures were still there as she refocused and Kaia dropped her takeaway coffee, barely aware that it had emptied over the floor.

“Kaia!” Keith called her name and she snapped out of her reverie. The visitors to the office turned at the sound and Kaia stared at the taller one with an incredulous look. “Are you surprised at our guests to the office? Come and have a look at what we’re working on!”

“Okay,” Kaia said softly, walking slowly over to her desk and placing down her bag. Still shocked, she looked over at the group of staff and shook her head in attempts to clear the cloud forming in her mind.

“You look stunned.” Sungra smirked. “Even I reacted better when I saw them enter the building earlier than you are right now.”

“So I’m not imagining Yunho and Changmin in our office?”

Sungra pinched Kaia’s lower arm and she yelped. “Apparently not.”

“Kai, come over here,” Changmin instructed, moving over to her and grabbing her upper arms. He prodded Kaia over to Abby’s computer and pushed her gently into a free chair. “We have a plan.”

“For what?” Kaia glanced up at him and he pointed at Yunho who seemed quite pleased with himself. “Yunho?”

“Changmin explained the situation to me about Kaori after the concert. He handled it poorly rushing in to grab your friend Abby here, but the three of us were able to get an idea together to remove Kaori from Changmin’s side.”

Kaia blinked slowly and nodded, snapping her focus to the older man. “You’re what?!”

“Changmin was threatened by Kaori regarding you before going on stage. She told him that she had seen you,” Abby explained and Kaia nodded.

“She told me to be careful and that if she caught me around Changmin again, I’d have no future here, but I still don’t understand what you’re up to.”

“It’s rather romantic don’t you think?” Hyurin commented and Kaia glanced at the Korean in bewilderment. “Though you look really confused, Kaia.”

“That’s because I am.”

“We’re creating a semi-false report right now,” Yunho announced triumphantly. “We’re going to explain that Abby here was witness to a conversation between both Changmin and Kaori regarding their fake relationship. Then we’ve also got an inside report from a member of Kaori’s staff stating that the model was using Changmin for her debut as an actress and planned to drop him as soon as she had established her career. Your boss has agreed to contact SME regarding all this and letting them know before running the story.”

“But we won’t be able to, it’s not a real story,” Kaia rebutted, and Abby raised her hand to refute it.

“Yet I’ve been captured in the company of Changmin. It will simply be seen as his attempts to tell me not to run the story.”

“And thus SME will have no option but to cancel the contract of my relations with Kaori Kimura,” Changmin concluded happily.

Kaia nodded and then looked at the men. “But why are you going to such effort, apart from removing the Witch? Don’t you think this is a little dramatic?”

“It’s drama worthy really!” Keith exclaimed and grinned. “The idol who fell in love with his best friend. It would make a really good story!”

“Woah, what?!” Kaia was lucky she was sitting down, her knees instantly becoming incredibly weak.

Changmin coughed awkwardly. “Ah, let’s go talk somewhere, yeah?”

Eventually, Changmin stopped walking and Kaia took a seat in the tiny park, her eyes darting around the area. “Uh, are you sure we should be seen in public like this? I know it’s empty but Min-”

“I couldn’t say what I have to in another setting. It would seem too, well it wouldn’t be right.” Changmin ran a hand through his hair before sitting on the park bench beside her. “Kaia, let’s talk.”

“We are,” she said with a smile, nudging him lightly. “You haven’t been this nervous in front of me since the first night we attempted to have sex.”

“I didn’t expect to revisit that memory,” he admitted with a chuckle and he seemed to relax a little. “Are you okay though?”

“In what way?”

Changmin cringed. Kaia smiled; he had always been so awkward talking about his inner thoughts. “Are you happy with how your life is right now?”

“Without you in it, I’m guessing you meant to add on.” He nodded sheepishly. “I miss you every day but I just can’t be your friend anymore. The contract, well it ruined that.”

“I don’t want to be your friend, Kaia,” he said and Kaia glanced at him, nodding lightly. Her heart began to pound and her face felt hot. She knew she was going to cry, but she tried not to let the tears form just yet. “Being your friend, well I enjoyed the time we spent together, but you’re right things have changed. It took me a while to realise it had.”

“Oh,” Kaia murmured, clamping her eyes closed and trying to settle her emotions. She nodded once. “Well, I’m happy still.”

“You, you are?” She had thrown him off.

“Yeah, Jaewon has become a good person within my life. I don’t see him often but when I do, well we have fun.”

“Oh.”

Everything fell silent then, and Kaia wondered if Changmin would be able to move on now. She hated hurting him, throwing Jaewon in like a cheap shot, but Kaia was struggling just being in his company. There were so many things she wanted to express and the longer she was around Changmin, the harder it was to suppress them.

Changmin’s phone went off and he held it to his ear, looking dejected. “Yeah hyung, I remember our schedule, don’t worry I’ll be back soon.” He ended the call and Kaia got to her feet, smiling lightly at him.

“Well, sounds like you need to go.”

“Yeah.” He got up as well, nodding softly to himself. Kaia rocked back and forth in her sneakers, hoping he’d leave so she could succumb to the feelings rising within her chest. He stepped away and then stopped, surprising her a little. Kaia had to sniff back the beginning of her tears, blinking the emotion away as fast as she could. Changmin turned back to face her, his dark eyes searching hers for an answer. He then swiftly moved in front of Kaia, grabbing her jaw in his hands. “I have to do this.”

His lips pressed against hers passionately and for a moment Kaia was too stunned to react. As they caressed her mouth she snapped out of it, sliding her arms around his neck and kissing him back. The tears began to fall from Kaia’s eyes, wondering why she was allowing herself to have this last embrace. Eventually, Kaia found the willpower to pull away, covering her mouth with her hand and trying to settle her crying.

Changmin sighed. “I’m not sorry for kissing you. In fact, if I could, I would kiss you over and over. But that’s selfish of me to push my feelings onto you when you don’t want the same thing.”

“What?” Kaia snapped her eyes back to his face and shook her head. “What did you say?”

“Kai, why do you think we’re taking time out of our busy schedule right now constructing my escape from Kaori? I don’t want her coming after you. I don’t want to lose you because of her. I’ve already lost you because I was too blind to see I had fallen in love with you! But there was no way-”

“You, you love me?” Kaia breathed and Changmin’s cheeks flushed with colour. “You actually love me?”

“You said, in the beginning, these kinds of arrangements usually went one of two ways. The pair either split up wanting more from the world or fall in love, remember?” Kaia nodded. Changmin smiled and brushed her curls away gently. “I fell in love with you. I’ve been in love with you for weeks now. I just did-”

She cut him off with her lips, kissing him with demand. Changmin managed to balance Kaia’s attack, gripping her body hard within his arms and meeting her hunger completely. They kissed until breathless and then he leant his forehead against hers.

“I love you too.”

“I think that was apparent by the way you just leapt on me.” He chuckled. “Yunho told me you must have left because I was too blind to see you were in love with me too, but I didn’t believe you did; I thought I had done something to make you hate me.”

“It became too hard to bear the weight of my feelings around you,” Kaia confessed and Changmin laughed. She pouted, and then let out a whine. “Why are you laughing?!”

“Because we are complete idiots, just like Yunho has been telling us all along.”

Kaia rolled her eyes but smiled all the same. “It took you forever to figure it out. You’re more of an idiot than me!”

“Oh really? Why did you just think right now that I didn’t want anything to do with you?” He smirked and Kaia pouted again. Laughing, he pulled her against his chest and held her close. “It doesn’t matter now. I have you in my arms, and I’m not letting you go.”

Kaia snuggled into the embrace, closing her eyes and smiled happily. She didn’t want to let go either.

_________________

Part 25

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[mooniesookim]

무언가 잘못되면 ( Self Para 1 / ? )

moonie sat with jae in the car, the girl was only supposed to be going for a check up. “thanks.. for bringing me.” she breathed and jae nodding. “don’t worry about it, kid. least i can do.” he told her and she frowned. she really wished johnny was there with her. he was the father after all and she wet her lips as they got out and went into the hospital to the reception desk. “i’m here for an appointment. moonsoo kim.” she sighed. the receptionist nodded her head. “just take a seat, the doctor will be out to get you soon.”

the two moved to go sit down, something didn’t feel right. when she moved it was almost as if she’d peed. but she didn’t pee.. fuck she hadn’t peed herself had she? she grunted slightly a pain seering through her and she grunted. moon’s hand went to jae’s arm as she doubled over and he looked down at her confused.

“…moon?” he asked and she put her hand up and he took her arm. “what is it?” he moved and helped her sit. “..i don’t know.. it just it.. really fucking hurts..” she was breathless. jae kept a hold on her arm until she was sitting, but she was still hunched over but the strange feeling. it hurt, it made her feel anxious and it confused her and she wet her lips as she breathed heavily, trying to take deep breaths, and calm herself down. she frowned, unsure of what it was.

jae had gone off to get water for her, but moonie put her hands on her leggings removing her hand and looking down at it, blood on her fingers and she frowned deeply as she began to panic just as jae came back. “moon i got you some-” she winced, cutting him off as she stood. “jaeshin... please.. i need the doctor. now.” she breathed and he looked down at her, unsure of what she meant. “i’m bleeding” it took a moment for jae to realise what she meant and he cursed. “stay here.” he hurried off coming back a few minutes later with a doctor who escorted moonie into a room, leaving jae by himself.  

moon had been taken in by the doctor, had a few tests done, they’d done an ultra sound. millions of thoughts were going through the girls head, had she.. miscarried? was the bleeding normal? was it due to stress? or something else?  she didn’t think it was, none of this felt normal. her thoughts had trailed to johnny. he was in rehab, himself, and didn’t know what was going on. she hadn’t even seen him yet. but with a deep breath she looked back up as the door closed. “miss kim.” he doctor walked over and took a seat at the desk. “we have some results back.”

she swallowed, what was it? “the ultra sound results are showing that the pregnancy is an ectopic.” ectopic? what the fuck was that? “...what’s.. that?” she asked and she dug her nails into the skin on each hands and she wet her lips. “it’s when the egg attaches outside of the womb, mostly the fallopian tube. sometimes in the ovary.” that didn’t sound good at all. she frowned and she gripped her own hands together.  

moonie took a deep breath before talking. “what.. does that mean?” she asked. the doctor simply gave a frown as he began to explain, that the ectopic pregnancy was what was causing the bleeding, and the cramp pains she’d been feeling, so it wasn’t normal at all. that there must have been something that had happened, maybe an inflammation of the tube, or an infection of some sort but moonie  realised when he said it ‘loads of different sexual partners’, her heart felt like it had dropped. this was her fault. the more she listened... the harder it got. but what really got her  the baby had a 1 to 2% chance of survival. keeping herself composed, moonie nodded slowly but everything after that was like white noise. that it could cause some extremely serious internal bleeding, which could of course cause her to bleed to death.

she didn’t take anything in until he gave her the options, and she stared at him wide eyed. there was having an abortion, which was simple as the doctor put it, either pills or surgery. or she could give birth to a stillborn. that was the two options she had, and she didn’t like either of them. “we can give you some time to think. talk to the father.” he told her with a nod and she blinked, how the hell was she supposed to tell johnny this? how did she even.. she had to shake her head. she couldn’t tell him this, not when he was trying to get better. and not for their first conversation when she saw him again

a while later when moonie was let go by the doctor, she’d slowly come out of the room. jae had gone and bought her a pair of trousers, her hands were shaking as she sat down once she was changed, the two sat in silence. “is everything okay?” he asked, by the look of it though he didn’t think so. “no.. not really.. they said that it’s.. an ectopic pregnancy. “ she breathed, a frown coming to her face and jae’s brows furrowed. “what’s... that?” he asked and moonie sighed sitting herself back against the chair. “the baby isn’t growing in the womb, it’s attached itself to the fallopian tube.”  

jae wasn’t sure what that meant but it wasn’t good obviously by the look on her face. “what does that mean?” he asked curiously. he didn’t want to press on it too much but he needed to know. “basically the baby won’t grow past 16 to 20 weeks. usually it’s removed before it grows any larger. because if it grows.. then it could rupture, and the baby would die.. and i.. could...die. but i’m already.. nearly 17 weeks. and my belly’s growing.. so the baby is growing. ” she frowned and jae leaned over elbows resting on his knees. “jesus christ.” he muttered after a moment he sat back up. “what do they want you to do?” he asked. “they want to me to get treatment.”

jae thought for a moment. “so there’s a chance.. that the baby.. could.. i don’t know..” jae trailed off. “they said it’s.. extremely rare. my best option.. is.. to get rid of him.” she breathed, looking down at her hands and jae frowned, jesus his brother or this girl couldn’t seem to catch a break. jae put his arm around her and he pulled her into a hug and the girl slumped against him in the hug, he could feel the sobs as wracking her as she cried into his chest, jae’s hand brushing over her hair.

“we’ll figure this out kid, okay?” he asked and moonie looked up at him, nodding her head slowly wiping her eyes, he’d seen her cry enough he didn’t need to see it anymore, glancing at the clock she noticed how or late it was, time had gotten past them it was nearing eight at night, jae stood both of them up. “lets get home you can rest.”  moonie looked back at jae, taking hold of the sleeve of his jacket and he turned to look at her. “if.. something happens to me..... or to the baby..  you’ll.. make sure he’s okay, right? that.. whatever happens he’ll be okay? promise me jae, please. i don’t think i can take anything else happening to him and if i’m.. not here.. please..” moonie’s eyes watered as she stared up at him.

jae nodded, but he stayed silent for a minute. “yeah don’t worry. i’ll look after him.” he would, of course he would it was his brother but there was a deep sadness that even jae felt at the thought of anything happening to moonie or the baby. “but nothing’s gonna happen. this is.. it’s all gonna work out. you and my nephew are gonna be okay. jaewon is gonna be okay, you’re both going to be fine and you’ll have a little family of your own.” it had to work out. if johnny lost moonie and the baby, even if he was in rehab, and jae lost johnny he didn’t know what he’d do. he’d need to make sure his brother was okay because he dreaded to think what would happen. “you’re going to be fine, don’t think like that.”

moonie frowned. “but it might, i can’t.. even have this conversation with him.. because he’s supposed to be getting better. i need to do this on my own and i want to be able to tell him but i can’t.. and what if something happens and i don’t see him again?” she asked, her eyes had watered again, and jae shook his head. “no. nothing like that is gonna happen, you’re... not going anywhere. you’re going to be okay. and so is the baby and so is jaewon.”

jae just.. he dreaded to think. but he knew it was something that was possible, that he couldn’t just shake off and say.. oh everything will be fine. moonie slowly nodded her head as jae wet his lips. “ we’re going to go home you’re going to relax and everything is going to be fine, okay?” jae asked and moonie nodded her head. “yeah.. it’ll be fine.” she whispered, jae kissed the top of the girl’s head, as they walked out. but all she could think about was, what if it wasn’t fine.

[syxhenry]

but i’ll miss you till the end

[ title inspiration ]

henry’s tinkering as usual. there’s nothing out of the ordinary, the day is passing like any other and most of his focus is on the metal beneath his fingers as well as the tools he’s using. it’s the sound of the main comm line opening that makes him look up slowly. jaewon doesn’t usually address everyone at once unless there is something going on with either their surroundings or their trip. and he needs to know about both, so he focuses his full attention on the speakers.

“this is your captain speaking. i know we’re currently on route to boros to pick up a job, but unfortunately, plans have changed and we need to make a pitstop on valluria. we’ll be there only a day and a night, before leaving in the morning. this is not job related, this is… something personal to me. the original owner of serenity, vera blackhound, has passed and i’ve been named her vigilant to the wake. i would suggest everyone remain onboard and be ready to leave in the morning after the ritual, but it’s your decision.”

his world spins out of control, his mind is reeling. there is a difference between losing a mother and losing a mother figure in the way that vera has never been as closely linked to his heart as his actual mother had. but she’d been a good friend, she’d been the one to take him in - skin and bones, looking like he might drop dead rather than be able to work an engine. she’d given him a second chance and there has never been anything in his life he could have done to repay her for everything she’d given him by doing so; a life, a job, a home, a ship, a family.

“henry, if you would come meet me in the mess hall, i have something to give to you.”

he needs a moment despite jaewon’s call for him, slowly taking off gloves and protection gear because his usually nimble fingers don’t seem to be able to work with him right that moment. when he eventually manages to wurm himself out of his overall, he sets for the mess hall.

when henry enters the mess hall, jaewon is leaning against the table with his arms crossed over his chest as though to keep everything on the inside of him, keep his lungs from slipping out from between his ribs, the aching, drowning part of him gasping and begging for a release he won’t give. he looks up at the other for a long moment before delivering the news as curtly as possible, unable to say it any other way, unable to articulate what he knows they’re both experiencing through this, what they’ve both lost.

“she wanted you to have this.” he tells him, handing over the small stick with a message specifically for henry on it. jaewon is not interested in finding out what it says, what vera gave to henry, his own personal dispatch waiting for him in private.

and henry is too numb to talk. to numb to stay and ask either. he takes the stick, then looks up at jaewon without fully retracting his hand yet. for a moment long there is eye contact, then it ends. there’s no saying who looked away first, but they’re both people who don’t want to look at each other in that moment, don’t want to see the other person they know is hurting because it will just remind them of their own pain. don’t want to admit either, how much this entire thing affects them, lest it might be ridiculed or used against them.

so he doesn’t speak, and he merely turns away to walk off to his own quarters.

the message is meant to be played on a communicator screen, one that every personal bedroom on serenity has, and when the one for henry starts, it shows vera sitting on her chair in the main room of her apartment, coughing a bit and then forcing herself to breathe calmly. she makes eye contact with the screen and a corner of her lips tilt upwards.

the mere sight of her makes his heart constrict, and yet he rejoices, because it’s more than he’ll ever have of the other people he’s lost. it’s a memory, a tangible reminder that he can keep with him, rewatch whenever he wants. no matter what she’s going to say, the sight of her smiling like that - just for him - is all he could ever have asked for.

“henry. hey kiddo.” her voice is croaky, either lack of sleep or twenty plus years of smoking are finally catching up to her and not even the kindness of a recording can dilute the sound. “i know you’re probably pissed at me for doing this, and that’s fine, but well… you know how much i hate goodbyes. i wasn’t even sure if i would do this, making last testaments for you guys, but…” her eyes trail off to the side of the screen for a moment. “i’m not sure how much longer i’ve got. and the closer i feel myself get to whatever end is coming, the less sure i am of anything. i suppose that’s how life really is.”

he swallows, unable to hide the fact that the way she’s talking to him merely reminds him of all that time spent in her presence. all that time when she would smile at him like that, or look at him like that, or just acknowledge his presence. he has never fully realised how much she means to him until that moment not all that long ago when he found out jaewon had been keeping in contact with her and he’d finally spoken to her after all those years. now he’ll never have that chance again.

she relocks her eyes onto the screen again, something waning and cold eating at her bones. “life is short, yknow. even now, after everything i’ve been through, everything i know you’ve been through, life is amazingly cut off, sudden, without warning most of the time, and i can’t leave this verse without giving one more lecture for you about how you need to remember that. there’s so many things i’ve missed out on, so many things i fucked up and dropped along the way, and my biggest fear is that you’ll do the same. ahh, henry.” the steel in her eyes grows soft, multidimensional. “i’m so proud of you. how you’ve come up, who you are, the fact that at least one person on that damn boat can tell jaewon when he’s being an asshole.” she laughs a bit.

and coughs.

swallows. breaths. continues. “don’t let him overrule you. don’t let anyone. for just surviving this long, you’ve done something not many others have. each day is a step, a choice, and you’ve come further than you give yourself credit for. but make your life what it is, take what you need, do what you must, and don’t let anything or anyone stand in the way of your happiness, of your journey. whatever it is, trust yourself. i’ve always trusted you, henry. don’t hesitate with life, okay? love as hard as you can, live as hard as you can, don’t get so cooped up in that engine room that you forget yourself.” she shakes her head. “life cuts off short. there’s no time to be afraid of doing what you want.”

a long pause follows her speech while she just stares at the camera, an older woman, frail, thin, small. 

he sees her with new eyes, ones that are currently brimming with tears. he can’t help thinking of a certain pilot, how he still wants to take him away to the safest place they can find in the verse so that they can spend the longest possible time together. can’t help thinking of jaewon, who he’ll have to leave behind for that. it’s alright, though, he tells himself. they can also keep in contact. mina can tell him when he’s being an ass. - whenever she’s not too enamoured by his golden eyes to remember to do so, that is.

he smiles, even though it’s sad. vera takes a breath and he instantly focuses on her image again, chest aching with the loss, despite the smile on his face. there are things that will never hurt any less.

“i guess my dying words to you, as cliche as they are, is just…. live. live well.”

henry keeps watching the place where her image had been, even as it disappears when the message ends. he takes in a quivering breath, then slowly releases the air from his lungs again.

live. live well.

she’s given him so much and now, even at the end, she’s still giving. the kind of advice he never would have taken from himself, or anyone other than her, probably. the kind of advice he needed in this very moment, to help him with his inner conflict.

and he knows he’s made a decision, and he knows he’ll have to tell them. jaewon, ephraim, mina, minsu, audrey, kafka, kinam, sol,… there’s too many names on the list and so he cuts it short to the first two.

then adds yihan to it.

[fmdtaeyongarchive]

↬ our songs: final four announcement.

date: november 7, 2020.

location: our songs set.

word count: 681 words.

summary: n/a.

triggers: n/a.

notes: n/a.

he doesn’t have many expectations when the cast is called back for the final rankings to be announced. he’s proud of the song he’s written for this round and minjung had given a great performance, but he’s made peace with the fact that creating a song not so suited to the public’s taste and having little say over the actual performance of it since he hadn’t been the one doing it makes his elimination all the more out of his control.

it could be a blessing in disguise if he’s eliminated. his health has already been affected by everything that’s on his plate and even after having to leave the cast of kiss & cry, being thrown back headfirst into schedules has left him feeling a little overwhelmed. his manager’s made him promise to go see a doctor more regularly for at least the next half a year or so to make sure he’s recovered form his sickness properly, but ash knows there isn’t much any medical professional can do for stress but tell him to put himself into situations where he’ll experience less of it and that’s easier said than done, especially when he’s an idol on what his company seems to perceive to be the verge of greatness.

being eliminated could be a sign from the universe that our songs is another source of stress that’s poisoning the well. while the show’s meant to let them expand creatively, ash feels more caged in the longer the show goes on. it could be that he’s at the wrong stage of his career for such a show, and he’s sure he has grown, but not in the leaps and bounds he thinks others might have. gratefulness for the experience isn’t completely absent and a small part of him feels like it’s a weight tied up high ready to drop if he does find out he hasn’t made the final four, but he has no desire to focus on that part of himself and the way the knot frays more and more the longer he stands on stage as the staff adjusts the lights and the cameras before everything kicks into action.

once they do, all of ash’s internal insistence that being eliminated wouldn’t affect him goes out the window and all of his attention is on that two ton weight high up in his stomach ready to fall straight to his feet.

the winner of the live audience vote is announced, and it’s not him. it’s jaewon, and the smile on ash’s face is mostly not forced as he claps for his friend.

then, the winner of the online vote is announced, and, again, it’s not him. he hadn’t expected to win either, if he were to be honest, but having two names that aren’t his hanging in the air feels like a bad omen. there were only four contestants going to the finale, and jaewon and joohwan are surely all but confirmed now.

luckily, the rope only has to fray a little longer before ash hears his name called out.

third place. it isn’t the best, but it gets him through.

it’s a matter of his own pride that itches the back of his brain with the fact he hasn’t won first place in any round yet. he’s been decent enough to get by, even if he worries two of the rounds had been on name recognition alone, but neither name recognition nor his own anonymous talent could get him crowned the best of the best.

he knows he should be focused on celebrating making it to the final four and he scatters the nerves from his face out of awareness of the lenses and the audience all looking at him, but the nerves have come now on a delay. they’d been nowhere to be found before the confirmation of his spot in the finale, but now, he can’t get them to leave. that weight hangs high still on a frayed rope of the thin threads of his own ego, and now, it will be stuck there for another month.

[sysullivan]

Mothers & Sons [ SM; Soliloquy ]

The dreaded day approaches and there’s not much he can do to keep the inevitable reunion from the forefront of his thoughts. No amount of distraction, of organizing and reorganizing, no amount of wearing himself out far beyond his easily surpassable threshold of exhaustion helps to quell or stave off this unrest. Sleep does not come easily or at all and it’s plain to see; circles darkening under dull eyes and paper white skin. 

Sullivan keeps to himself and speaks no more than necessary. It is a ritual by this point, a strange sort of penance, a purgatory he subjects himself to every year. As often as he is reminded of the cowardice that defines him, no one is aware of and unable to look past that weakness more than Sullivan himself. As pitiable as he may at times seem, no one pities Sullivan more than he pities himself. He is still in love with the boy from his youth; a boy who had the whole ‘verse at his fingertips and lost it all. It’s selfish and immature in the faces of those who have lost so, so much more, but every year Sullivan folds up into himself and mourns the loss of his life.

It’s the Captain’s voice that cuts into his wallowing via the intercom, instantaneously shredding the black shroud he’s draped over each self-defamating thought. Suddenly he is alert; at attention. Immediately, he knows that something is wrong, dreadfully wrong. He’s seen and heard Jaewon in all levels of outrage and fury, but this...this is worse. Just the tone of his voice brings an immovable knot to Sullivan’s throat and the words themselves form a cavernous pit in his belly, one that, in comparison dwarfs the one previously festering there. His heart aches with renewed pain, a constricting empathy that Sullivan prefers not to feel but cannot escape, not when it comes to Jaewon and certainly not when it comes to the captain and her.

It only took hearing one story for Sullivan to decide three truths about Captain Vera Blackhound. First; Jaewon loved her. Maybe he wouldn’t choose that word himself; perhaps respect or reverence sounded more palatable, less intimate, but at the time, Sullivan had not yet seen nor heard his captain speak about someone with such affection; understated definitely, but unmistakable under the cool gaze of someone who’d been studying and scrutinizing his every word and gesture since coming into his employ.

Second, she was terrifying and thus, Sullivan was terrified of her. He’d naively believed Jaewon’s calamitous, cataclysmic existence to be unique. There couldn’t be multiple souls that possessed the same force as his. The thought in itself was frightening but at the same time, he was reminded of something he’d learned in his youth. The digital encyclopedia clip resurfaced vividly in his mind’s eye and haunted him again now as it had when he was younger. The clip showed a massive storm; black clouds ominously swirling and roiling, cloud convulsions illuminated by neon forked lightning until a writhing plume of tempest coiled to the ground and gained mass enough to threaten decimating everything unlucky enough to be in its path. As terrifying as the magnitude of that storm had been, Sullivan had watched on with renewed fear as other tornadoes twisted out of its breadth, breaking free of their mother to gain their own mass and speed and force, to leave their own unique wakes of destruction.

Third and most poignant of all, she would not want him on her ship. A bonafide son of the Alliance. A ‘purple belly’ in the flesh; a cowardly spineless weakling, if anyone had opposite beliefs, morals, and values, surely it would be him. This assumption was owed to her based on what the Alliance represented. It was not an association Sullivan could easily shake from himself and it was unlikely he could earn a reassessment from her based on his own dismissable merit. She had every right to distrust him and the reality of this opposition increased Sullivan’s estimation of that second truth.

It was quite early in his employment when he heard of her and quite soon after that they came face to face. He didn’t know what Vera thought of him or if she knew of his existence before waving in that evening for her weekly chat with Jaewon. She undoubtedly knew of Jaewon’s tendency to collect oddities that drifted into his path, objects that contained questionable value; value that perhaps only his hypnotizing golden eyes could estimate. It was the certainty that she would not see the worth that Jaewon seemed certain he possessed that caused him to fear her so greatly. It was the first time he remembered hiding behind Jaewon out of fear and the embarrassment of it still made his knees weak. He could recall her voice as she inquired as to just who that ‘ghost’ peeking out from behind him was and the resulting scuffle as Jaewon tried to pry previously strengthless hands off the back of his coat.

It seemed like ancient history now and he, of course, understood that his initial fear was misplaced. 

She reminded him of a nightmarish woman he’d known shortly before then. A similarly stern and powerful woman who was like Vera in the force she commanded, yet unlike her in the ways that truly mattered; in the ways that separated humans from monsters. He recognized the difference immediately, but he was still afraid. If anyone could convince Jaewon to be rid of him, it was her.

Thankfully, that hadn’t happened and he hoped there had come a turning point in the years since he’d joined the crew where she realized Sullivan posed no threat to Jaewon, his crew or the Serenity herself. What Vera felt for him, if anything, mattered not when compared to what Jaewon felt for her and what they’d meant to each other. If there was ever a time to assume that Sullivan would cry out of empathy or sympathy, it was now but somehow, there were no tears in his eyes when he flung open the door of his quarters and sprang to action.

He was on the cortex immediately, contacting clients and port authorities, seamlessly realigning their obligations to account for the Captain’s detour. He hunkered over his desk, tirelessly assessing the route they’d need to travel to make it there in time, accounting for the resources they’d be burning through and need to replenish and orchestrating precisely timed false leads to keep the more heavily alliance-patrolled thoroughfares clear of obstacles that could possibly detain them.

When they’d landed and the time came, he joined the others in the cargo bay as they waited with heavy hearts. Jaewon emerged from nowhere and Sullivan felt his breath hitch; heart splitting as he beheld him, a white squall. He followed, as he always follows, this time silent and solemn. He watched the ceremony through his lashes, eyes half-lowered, earnestly desiring to support Jaewon in his loss but guilty all the same since he wasn’t sure he was welcome.

If the sun beating down on them was any indication, Sullivan was sure he was unwanted. But stubbornly, he stayed put. And as one might imagine, the climate did not agree with his disposition. Sweat poured off of him, soaking him to the point he was worried the officiator might accuse him of crying for the deceased. The temperature made him nauseous and the sun’s rays ate through the pale linen garments he wore, bringing welts and blisters to the surface of previously pale skin.

By the time Jaewon and Vera started their journey into the sunset, Sullivan was near fainting. Somehow...he didn’t. For someone who was accustomed to operating on borrowed strength, he couldn’t honestly say whose he was syphering now. The idea that it might actually be his own bolstered his resolve. He followed the procession into town, feverish and dazed but unwilling to withdraw himself from the experience if there was a chance it meant dishonoring Vera or her sons.

He joined them in a tavern, many of them strangers yet somehow eerily familiar. He stayed on the outskirts of the room, sipping water, eavesdropping on stories that he honestly couldn’t believe weren’t embellished. He silently paid homage, raising his glass with the others, grateful for the chance to experience their memories; envious that he didn’t have the courage to live life with the same intensity.

The more he listened, the more he understood the legacy Vera had imparted to these men and women and though she was gone, there was no way she’d ever be forgotten. Jaewon had amassed his own ragtag, mismatched family but it was just one branch of a much larger, firmly rooted tree. The more he listened, the closer tears came to his eyes. An older pirate noticed the out of place youth and his glassy eyes. He joined Sullivan on the opposite side of the post he gingerly leaned against, a knowing gleam in his eyes when he warned him not to waste tears on the dead. “They’re...” Sullivan struggled, concentrating on not letting them spill and speaking loud enough to be heard. “They’re not for the dead.”

He’s not sure who carried him back to the Serenity, but he’s grateful he was not conscious during the journey. Apparently touched by his sentiment, the burly old pirate had raised a heavy limb to drape over Sullivan’s shoulder, a gesture of solidarity intended to bolster his spirits. However, feeling that log-like arm and hand clap onto his sun-blistered shoulders felt like nothing less than a lightning bolt, sending Sullivan promptly to the ground in a heap and instantly out of consciousness.

He woke in the medbay, slathered from waist to scalp in a jelly-like goo and wrapped in bandages like a mummy. Knowing his miniscule pain tolerance, Casta had medicated him accordingly but it didn’t do anything to mask the feeling of wanting to die from embarrassment. He spent an entire day in the infirmary with an IV rehydrating him, Cheesestick suspiciously observing the vaguely familiar creature, lingering nearby but out of reach.

They were already back in the Black when he came to and his recovery afforded him a lot of uninterrupted time to think and come to term with things in the well-intentioned but strange way he made deductions. He didn’t believe in Heaven or Hell, but he did believe in ghosts. Vera’s body had died, which meant she was now a spirit; free from pain and worry and the tethers that bound her to their plane of existence. If she could now exist wherever she wanted, surely she would stay close to her treasured children; watch over them, protect them.

Sullivan frequently feared. Big things, small things, unlikely things...he always feared for the Captain, who seemed genetically compelled to flirt with disaster and tempt fate. Yet, Sullivan felt so much less worried now? Perhaps it was completely illogical. It isn’t something he can prove and perhaps Jaewon would allow his loss to swallow him up before he again saw the light, but it didn’t change the newfound peace of mind that washed over his blistered skin and soothed him from the inside out.

If there was anyone who could keep Death from robbing Serenity’s crew of their captain, certainly it was her.

“LOOK AT ME, I’M MUTILATED!!” Sullivan croaked, leaning over the sink in the medbay to look at his newly spotted visage. He furiously rubbed his fist against the mirror, trying to convince himself that it was the reflective surface that was marred; not him. His efforts were to no avail. His eyes scanned his reflection to his outstretched arm and up to his shoulder. He checked the other side to be sure and then looked back to his freckled nose. 

He frowned, imagining he’d be teased for his insurmountable lack of constitution. The Vallurian sun and desert had given birth to Jaewon. He was made of them and sure enough, Sullivan hadn’t lasted a single day in their presence. He’d had a multitude of run-ins with the Captain that left him scorched and flushed and certain if the man had gotten any closer he would’ve combusted but the habitat itself had literally burnt him; leaving a permanent spattering of sun-kissed speckles on ivory cheeks and shoulders.

Secondary to the shock of his appearance was the realization that he had lived through his birthday without sparing a further thought to his own self-pity. It was something small when compared to everything else going on around him, yet, something he wouldn’t have believed he was capable of. He felt different somehow. Not in a way that was obvious. Maybe only because he looked a bit different now. 

Sullivan wants to believe there’s something more and it’s with the hope that there is, that he combs his hair into place and dresses himself up before sitting down in front of his communicator. He punches numbers and letters into the device that he was sure he’d forgotten after five years without use. The face that greets him is different than he remembers; faintly lined, brows heavier, eyes tired and worried until she recognizes the man staring back at her; until she realizes her eyes are not playing tricks on her. “Sully!! Sullivan!”

Floodgates open and a deluge of tears seem to gush from his eyes all at once. “Mom...” he chokes out. “I’m sorry I haven’t called you,” he sobs, shoulders shaking. He wanted to sit in front of her, poised and grown up and strong but of course, that was not the case. It was outrageously presumptuous even for Sullivan, to believe he could change to such an extent after what boiled down to a funeral and a sunburn. Still, somehow he’d managed to face this; a huge fear that could’ve turned into a huge regret. A fear he would not have dared face if it hadn’t been for what his friends had lost.

“It’s all right, darling...don’t cry,” she soothed, reaching up to wipe tears as they slipped down her cheeks. Despite crying herself, she smiled, she smiled so brightly that it just made Sullivan's heart want to burst. He’d spent such a long time letting fear control him, letting doubt and worry restrict his actions. He didn’t want to live like this anymore; didn’t want to waste any more time. “You look well, dearheart. Are you happy? You look stronger,” she gently praised, eyebrows rising when her sensitive boy perked up.

Did he really look stronger? Could she tell?! Sullivan sniffled and straightened up, wiping his tears away but the freckles still would not budge. “Yes, I’m much happier, Mother and...I’m stronger too...probably,” he added although he seemed less certain of the second part. 

“Tell me,” she encouraged. “Tell me where you’ve been...the adventures you’ve had.” 

Sullivan loved to tell stories, but whenever he told one it was about someone else. Someone famous who’d lived and died; someone who had accomplished something, someone who stood for something. He’d never been able to tell a story that he shared a part in and although they were small parts, it was still something he belonged to. Something precious and sacred that shaped him into the person he was now, a person, he was coming to realize, that might not be as worthless as he believed. 

Sullivan swallowed down the lump that had been stuck in his throat for the past few days and told her; told her everything he’d been holding onto since the last time he’d seen her.

[j-wonwootrash]

S.Coups || Next Door Pt.3 Final

Word count: 1.7k Genre: College!au, fluff, drama, comedy, slice of life, romance A/N: Last part of the mini series! seemed kinda rushed but I hope you do enjoy reading! Feel free to dm or ask me for requests and drabbles~

Pt.1 || Pt.2 || Pt.3 final

“I’ll think about it.”

You didn’t understand. “Love you say? You did that to me!” you yelled back, your voice started to sore. 

    “Just, let me explain okay? I have no idea why you assumed so much when all I wanted to do was to tell you the truth.” he loosened his grip on the blanket. 

You hissed, “What is there to explain? That action was already enough.” you looked away. By now he stared you again. 

    “Chan took a video of me sleep talking,“ he began, ignoring your words. “He was going to show you but I didn’t want him to.” 

You shrugged as you laid comfortably on the sofa and placed your forearm on your face. 

    “It was a lazy-unintentional-confession to you and he was gonna show you-” he heard you snoring quietly. 

    “So much for listening.” he placed a warm damped towel onto your forehead and left. 

When the door clicked closed, you sat up and checked yourself at the mirror. You can’t tell whether you were red for being sick or blushing for the fact he liked you. You heard the whole thing and you didn’t want him to speak any further. ----------

In and out of sub-consciousness, you laid lazily on the couch. You reached for your phone to give a call to your dad, “Don’t bring the kids here, dad. I caught a fever and it’s contagious- you know, flu season.” 

Just a sip of water and a bite of bread were enough to keep you energised to head to work. You wrapped yourself with a thick scarf and a wore fleece mask. 

Winter was closely approaching and the forecast reported it would be a bit warm in the morning and afternoon, cold in the evening. Once you parked in front of the cafe, Nayoung spotted you from inside. “Y/N!” 

You walked up the stairs and the cafe was louder than usual. As you scanned the entire place, you figured Seungcheol and his squad were at the lounge area. There was a discount so you knew they’d stay longer. Nayoung was on day off but decided to stay with the group. “What happened to you?” 

    “Caught a fever. I still have to work though.” you removed your coat and hung it to a stand. 

    “I think you should rest today,” Dongho insisted. “We can handle it.” you nodded in thanks and sat down beside Nayoung. 

    “Should I bring you home?” Mingyu offered, handing you a glass of hot water. 

    “I just got here and you want me to leave?” you managed to smile. “Just kidding.” 

The others asked for the kids but you told them they’ll be at your parents’ place until you recover. They invited you to play a round of UNO. “I’ll pass.”  

At the very least the cafe was a lot warmer than at home. You forgot to pay the bills so the electricity was cut off- no heater. Your legs shivered by the touch of cold wind from outside. Seungcheol noticed your condition and removed his coat to place it on you. 

You mouthed a ‘thank you’ and he just smiled. “Yah, Y/N didn’t avoid you? That’s rare. She’d usually be all angry and cranky.” Jeonghan nudged the boy. 

    “She’s probably really sick and thought Hyung was Mingyu.” Wonwoo laughed as he put up his hand showing the others he only got a card left. 

    “Nah, we kind of made up last night.” Seungcheol shuffled the cards, he felt the boys’ stare at him. “..Or at least I think it was. Clearly one-sided.” he continued.

    “Oi why is this boy lying with a straight face?” Jihoon blurted out, making everyone laugh. “Someone hit him.” 

    “Everything Cheol does to Y/N were always one-sided.” Joshua laughed and hit the table continuously. 

    “Can I join?” you asked them as you crawled in between Seungcheol and Mingyu. 

    “Feel a bit better Y/N?” Nayoung asked, worried that you might overwork yourself. “I didn’t come all the way to sleep.” 

Few rounds of UNO and you started to feel dizzy and nauseous. You managed to win 2 rounds and little did you know your swaying head rested on Mingyu shoulders. “Hyung!” Mingyu hissed to the older one. “Bring her home.” he whispered. 

You felt someone wrapping your legs and back, but you were too sick to even picture them. Seungcheol carried you to your car and grabbed the keys in your pocket.  ----------

The smell of porridge woke you and you realized you were in Seungcheol’s apartment. “Ugh.. My head.. Why am I here anyway?” You stood up and your wobbly legs felt weak. 

As you leaned onto the counter, he saw you heading towards the kitchen. “Whoa hey there.” he gently wrapped his arms around your waist. 

You cleared your throat since you noticed where his hands were. “Your hands.” Immediately he put his arms at his back. “Then hold onto me. I’ll support you.”

Was he always this gentle? Or were you too blinded to see his kindness that his savagery outweighed this side of him? You sat down and he gave you a bowl of porridge. “Thanks.” When you ate, he suddenly smirked at your hungry state. 

    “I can tell you didn’t eat breakfast.” he wiped the smudged porridge on your lips.

    “We both know why.” you flattened your lips, it was too hard for him to figure out whether you smiled or not. “I appreciate this.” you murmured. 

    “No problem, but I guess it’s not enough for you to forgive me.” 

    “I’ll think about it.” Because you needed a reason for that incident, you thought the explanation last night was already enough- now that you knew he was always sincere. ----------

Months have passed and everyday you tried to drop hints to Seungcheol through acts of kindness. There were less mean words, less violence and to be honest you started to see the good in him. No wonder his friends called him 'leader'. There were times he insisted on babysitting your nephews. And they eventually grew closer than the last time he saw them. 

You remembered Seungcheol’s reaction to Jaemin’s first steps. He bragged that he was the one who taught him. “Uncle taught you right Jaemin?” 

He would offer to bring Jaewon to daycare or drive you to school or work. Even his friends were surprised to see him like this, when they assumed you forgave him, or at least there were progress in mending your friendship. 

There was one day your parents came to visit your apartment and your nephews would call out for Seungcheol to play. They would cry if you say he had work and would smile if they saw him arriving at your doorstep. Your parents would ask you who he was and for the first time you said he was your friend. The smile on his face never faded as he looked at you. 

Seungcheol knew the days that have passed were ones for you to trust him slowly. He would patiently wait for you to forgive him. Each and everyday you would show him sides of you that he had never seen. Everyday he would discover another you. And he was already content with it. His feelings never faded and he would wait for you to return his one-sided love. 

    “Seungcheol?” you walked with him at the park after your parents brought the kids to the airport to meet their father. He hummed in response to your call. “Was it true? The one you said in your sleep talk?” 

His lips agape and just smiled. “If it weren’t true I wouldn’t have stopped Chan from showing it to you.” 

    “Ah.” was all you could say. Your chest tightened when he was around, or when he was talking to other girls you’d look away. Even the promise of making him dinner had you all nervous- the knock on his door was much more worse than to prepare him dinner. 

    “Why did you ask? I mean, I’m curious because we finally made up.” he sat on the swing and you soon copied him. “Have you fallen for me yet?” 

    “I'm not into guys who thinks the girl’s flirting on them,” you paused, making him bite his lips. “..I said that before, but now.. I don’t know what I feel for you.” your voice gradually become softer.

He didn’t utter a word, he just listened. As he stared at you, the anticipation grew and his heart couln’t stop beating. “..Like, I don’t know why I have to endure this feeling when at your part you rarely did anything.”

You stopped swinging and bent your head, your hands on your lap, balled to fists because you knew you couldn’t look at him any longer. “..You’re a pervert and teased me a lot and why did I react when you annoyed me but they were not true? Why did my chest hurt when you leave my apartment even if you only lived next door?”

    “Y/N I-” he stood up and knelt in front of you. Your sudden burst of emotions shocked him that he couldn’t continue.

    “We were barely even friends but why did it seem you’re special to me?” you raised your tone, tired from all the talk. You then started to swing again, just to cut the awkward atmopshere.

Seungcheol chuckled at your behaviour. He placed his hands on your lap and you flinched. “Does that mean you thought about it?” You sighed, not sure of what to answer. He just smiled like he had seen a beautiful painting. Your eyes widened.

    “What are you try-” “You like me.” he poked your nose. “You realized.”

    “Shut up, I didn’t confess.” you looked away, but he tucked a strand behind your ear.

    “Say it.” he smiled wider than before.

    “I-..” you stuttered. “I’ve already admitted e-enough, so fr-from now on you better be at my s-side.” you stood and started to walk.

“Wasn’t the answer I was expecting but okay.” he pulled you from behind, you felt his muscular chest at your back, making you blush.

    “Get off me.” you protested as you tried to walk.

He placed his chin on your shoulders. By now your face heated with blood of overwhelming feelings. His breathing made you think he was nervous, like you. “If I’m with you any longer, it’ll be hard for me to pull away.”

Silence filled the air again and crickets were the only ones heard. Seungcheol released from the hug, turning you to face him. “Oh you’re blushing.” 

It meant something to him, you were his. And you can’t say you hate it.

    “You idiot, it’s your fault.”

[durifmdarchived]

STAR ⏤ FMDVERIFICATION

date: may 20th, 2018 / september 15th, 2018 about: after yet another bad night, duri begins to write a song. but, the only thing that he can really get out is a few lines of the chorus; his usual spot not bringing him much inspiration on that certain night. months later, duri finally finishes the song after he opens up to leo about what happened when he was five after he witnesses duri having a ptsd episode. he decides to dedicate the song to those that have really gotten him through things, as he talks about in the song. mentions: uncle minho, aunt taekjo, his grandparents, mari (his cousin), jinsol + hanui (two best friends), @fmdjaewon, @fmdlyra, @fmdchanwoo, @fmdsooyeon, @fmdleo, @fmdminki trigger warnings: ptsd, car accident mention, parental death mention word count: 2,679. (this is minus the dates + mentioned lyrics)

May 20th, 2018.

It was happening again; the nightmare that he couldn’t get out of. It felt so real, it felt like it was happening all over again, like he was his five-year-old self. But, it was, again like always, done in a much different way. He could never remember how the car crash occurred, what happened during it. But, he could feel the emotions of being horrified before everything went dark again. That was his body’s cue to awake him after experiencing the horrible tragedy of the car crash once again. He shot up from the bed, heavy breathing leaving his mouth as his chest moved up and down. His eyes looked around in a quick pace, trying to come to terms with where he was, that it wasn’t real; not even noticing that there was streaks of wet running down his cheeks. It was something that he had grown accustomed to; he shouldn’t have to, but he did. He hated everything about it, he wanted it to stop. He wanted to be able to sleep tight at night, but that seemed to be something that he would never get.

After finally coming to his senses, knowing where he was. He had grabbed a light jacket and his notebook off his desk, before leaving the bedroom. He couldn’t be in the apartment any longer. It felt like the walls of the two floor apartment was closing in on him, he needed the fresh spring air. After making his way to the front door, he slipped the jacket over his torso, before slipping shoes on his feet. Earphones went in and he was down the stairs. It wouldn’t take long until he was his spot; that one spot that would comfort him when he was done, the spot that would give him inspiration when he needed it. The swing set in a park not fall from Knight’s dorm. It was quiet, but not completely quiet due to the cars that would still roam the street at night. It was the perfect spot to just look up at the stars; one of his favorite things to do.

He would sit there for at least half an hour, eyes just staring off into the distance. He could deep breathes, something that he had picked up to calm him down from the anxiety and panic that was racing through his veins. But, it was soon waring off as he was talking himself through it, trying to relax as he sat upon the swing. It seemed to be working and his focus was elsewhere. Like, how beautiful the stars looked upon that spring night. There were two that sparkled the most, which made Duri smile a small, soft smile, “Hi mom and dad,” he says, voice hushed. “I’m okay, I promise,” he uttered after. The soft smile still present against his face. They probably knew that he wasn’t okay; but, he was just what Duri always said. Because to be frank, he wasn’t okay at all, he was just pretending to be because he didn’t want others to worry. That was always the issue with Duri, worrying about others over himself.

Then it hit him, some form of inspiration. The stars were always there for him the most, especially when he needed to get things out. It helped his creative process, but tonight it didn’t seem to be doing so much. He wanted to something that was completely from the heart, that had really helped him to get out how he was feeling. But, it seemed like there wasn’t much coming to Duri. There was a sigh as he tapped the pen against his notebook, his eyes just looking around. He was thinking trying to find some form of inspiration. What did he want to get out with this song? He had written a few things, before crossing them out completely. It would happen a few times, being blocked out by what he wanted to say. There would be new words on the page, before he’d be crossing those out once again. He’d take in a deep breath, starting his thinking process over once again.

The direction he wanted to go was one talking about the Stars, since that was his comfort, that was one of his favorite things. His grandmother had told him a story about how when people pass, they leave the earth to live among the stars, where they watch over their loved ones, and help to suit their destiny and their path, as well as protecting their dreams; it was something that Duri had come to believe with his whole heart. He still believed it, even if it was foolish. But, he liked it, it was something that had become comforting to him. He had that idea pop up; it was something that meant something so important him, and yet he couldn’t get much out.

He would only write a few lines of the song, which would go “like the star that we looked at together, I promise to be the star in your heart that remains for a long time and shines for you, who endured through the dark times with me.” That was all he could get down before he’d give up for the night. It would be good for now, something that he could probably come back to when the time was right. But for now, he decided to just go back to the dorm to have some coffee and soon start his day.

September 15th, 2018.

He couldn’t believe that such a thing had happened. But, he was glad that it did. Duri had finally been able to get it off his shoulders that he was still suffering, that he wasn’t okay, and it was something that Leo had known now. He still, however, wished that Leo didn’t have to witness Duri going through the episode. But, he felt like he could breathe somewhat now. Even though he was still, obviously, going to go through things pretending as if he was fine. It was good to know that someone else had known now, that someone was there for him in the dark times. But, he knew that Leo wasn’t the only person that was there for him in those times. There was so many people in his life that was there for him, that had helped him through, even if they didn’t know it.

There was Uncle Minho and Aunt Taekjo, who had taken him after his parents had passed away with no questions aunt. Even if Minho was hurting himself at the sudden loss of his brother. They had dealt with Duri at his worst with his Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, always rushing to his side to aid him. Even doing intense research to try and figure out what exactly was wrong with him before getting him the help that he needed. They helped a spot in his heart that was forever gone, that was taken when his parents had passed.  If it wasn’t for them, he wouldn’t be where he was today.

His grandparents; even though they grew up in a generation where things were obviously different, they never turned their backs on the man. They understood him, they understood his mental health, they understood the dreams he wanted to chase, and everything in between. They were different from their generation, they were the type that would fight for what they believed in because it was very much different from what a lot of people in their generation believed in. They were educated and they believed everyone had a right to things. His close relationship to them and their understanding… that was truly something that was hard to come by.

There was two cousins, Mari and Jihyun, who were by his side no matter what. Often times when he was younger, Mari would rush to spend time with Duri, to help him take his mind off of things. They had seemingly gotten really close and she understood everything that he had been going through. Mari never judged him, she had just aided him, as well as been one of his biggest hype men with whatever he did. With her help, his confidence would seem to boost a bit more. She had easily become one of his best friends early on, as well as a sister to him. The same had gone for Jihyun; a protector of sorts and a best friend that had come out of the blue with her mom to live with Taekjo and Minho. It was nice and having someone younger than him to be there felt rather nice to have. Duri had done his best to take care of her and he felt like she had done the same with him. Even being sure to warn him before he had entered idol himself after he had put it off for a very long time. These two had meant the world to him, entirely.

Then there was Jaewon, someone that he had met while still in middle school. He was someone that Duri truly believed that his parents had put in his path. Jaewon had seemingly come into his life when he needed someone the most. A little brother; that’s something that he needed. Someone to take care of, to spend time with. He got to do just about everything with Jaewon, hanging out with the younger boy from time to time, before he would walk him home, and watch as he went into his home; just to make sure he had gotten there completely safely. He would often buy him his favorite sweets and snacks every time the two young kids would roam the streets of Seoul on their own. It made him feel better because Jaewon was someone that he truly needed and to this day, he’s a best friend and a little brother that he still very much needed.

Jinsol and Hanui; his two best friends ever since he had moved to Seoul. They met at a playground and from there, they were almost inseparable. The two saw how broken he was; even though he was always really happy, always taking care of everyone else, making friends with just about everyone, helping others out, and everything else that they wanted to take care of him, to protect him. Duri, Jinsol, and Hanui were a trio that understood everything about each other and even if they would walk different paths in life, they would still always contact one another, and hang out as much as possible. Those are two people that really helped him get through many, many things.

Next there was Minki, someone that would come to Duri during the pre-debut months of Knight. Duri had only trained for November and December of 2011 before he was announced a member of the upcoming boy group, Knight. Duri was still very much in his awkward stage of change; he was never good with change, it was something that had made him incredibly nervous ever since his parents had passed and his big change of losing them, then moving to a brand new city where his aunt and uncle resided was a lot for him. But, Minki was someone that had helped him get through that period of time. He helped his confidence, helped him to come back to the person that Duri really was; the friendly, talkative guy. Not the shy one that didn’t know what to do in a brand new place. If it wasn’t for Minki, he wouldn’t know what to do and he’s someone that had helped him and continued to help him more than he could possibly know.

There was no possible way for him to leave out Leo; someone that he was very close to. The two had become close to one another over the years of Knight and there was no doubt about that. It was something that could be seen, you wouldn’t even have to ask. Leo was truly someone that had meant a lot to Duri based on their friendship and interaction together. And obviously, what had happened previously where Duri had told him everything that was going on with himself, about the death of his parents, and how he was in the backseat during the accident; how he didn’t shut him out after learning about everything had truly helped him. It probably solidified their friendship even more and he felt like Leo was someone that he could go to for just about anything. That meant the world to him, that had helped him a lot.

The pretty smile, the soft, nice boy; he was perfect. He was someone that made his heart beat completely; but, he was also a good friend on top of the feelings that he felt for him and another person that his parents had seemed to send him. Yoo Chanwoo was his sunbae, but his good friend, someone that was there for him, and someone that he would spend time with (to be quite honest… he would spend a lot of time with this man, but that was beside the point.) There was just something different with him, this level of comfortableness that he had with the other. He felt close to him and he had come so close to telling him things, even if they wouldn’t move pass his lips. But, if he was ever feeling down, Chanwoo was there to help him, to make him feel better. It made his heart skip just a little bit more.

Then, of course, there was Sooyeon. She was another protector, it had seemed. She was for sure one of those people that would beat up anyone that wronged Duri and he was incredibly grateful for that. But, she was also like a little sister or daughter to him, someone that he would just take care of no matter what was called for it. Someone that he could trust, someone that he could just talk to for hours on end. She meant a lot to him and he hoped that she had felt the same way. No matter how old she would get, Duri will still very much take care of her and making sure that she was okay.

Then it hit him.

The song that he had started writing months ago, the one with only four lines; it had popped into his head, and he believed he had the missing puzzle piece to it. It had to be about these people, the ones that had gone through his darkest times with him (even if they really didn’t know) and still are, these were the people that he was going to stay in their hearts, that he was going to protect as best as he could. He would stay in their hearts as a shining, bright star. He had quickly grabbed his jacket and things, before he had gone out the door, and down the steps on that same night where things had fallen into place. He had come upon his favorite spot once more, before he’d sit down, and open the notebook to that page. It was going to be a puzzle, but now, the difficulty had decreased from months prior.

He would begin to piece around what he had already written down. It was all about how they had looked at a star together, how he would be there star, how he would protect them, and everything in between. It was for these people, the people that had really done so much for him, even if it was little things; they still meant the entire world to him and he wanted them to know. It was starting to come out, even though it would take some time to get things to sound right, he made it work. It would finally all together and he would smile softly. Eyes looking upon the glistening stars above. “Do you think they’ll like it, mom and dad?” He questioned, nodding his head. They probably think so.

He’d write at the bottom of the page

“For Uncle Minho, Aunt Taekjo, Grandparents, Mari, Jihyun, Jaewon, Jinsol, Hanui, Minki, Leo, Chanwoo, and Sooyeon…”

This was it, this was “Star” and he was happy with it. He hoped that those who would listen to it would feel what he wanted to say to them.

[fmdjaewonarchive]

noona knows best.

[ @fmdxnana ]

jaewon was a prideful as he was stubborn, the kind of guy that liked to keep matters in his own hands because he was convinced that no matter how well-meant the offer of advice, ultimately he would always be doing everything himself. some would call it cocky, some a great sense of responsibility, jaewon didn’t care much either way. at the end of the day, he got shit done and that truly was his top priority.

yet this mindset knew one big exception, one condition in which it was dropped without much of a hesitation that you’d almost wonder if it was the exact same jaewon speaking who usually disregarded any and all form of advice with a polite yet smug ‘thank you but i know what i’m doing’.  said case was being a leader. being a rookie idol was like being dropped in a paradoxical maze, where every move could be taken and flipped into a giant scandal. one faulty expression, one poorly phrased comment, and netizens could start a literal witchhunt and especially being responsible for the group in it’s entirety, that was not something jaewon was willing to risk. he’d never let his own pride cause any harm to the group.

so over time, he had slowly begun to accept that sometimes, accepting advice wasn’t all that bad and occasionally, jaewon would even dare to ask for it himself. not to just anyone, of course, but there was one person that had gotten the honor to be jaewon’s unofficial advisor, nam minhee.

“so,” he said casually, turning to his senior. “award seasons is comming up soon huh.”it was more a statement than a question, intended to hint what point he was truly getting to. that he dared to ask for advice didn’t mean it wasn’t still a little awkward. “any real big do’s and don’ts i should be watching out for noona?”

[syxjaewon]

Desperate

the gun cracks loudly and the bullet crashes into his sidelike a lightning strike, the pain bursting through his nerves like an internalexplosion. in the back of his mind somewhere, pieces of his brain are calculatingthe damage, the extremes, the type of wound he’s incurred, the amount of pressurehe needs on it, the time it’ll take to heal. because of course, he will heal,he has to; death is not an option at this point, and he wouldn’t allow theseassholes the satisfaction of being his reason for darkening the devil’sdoorway. that would just be embarrassing—one of them has an eyepatch and noleft arm. no way is yang jaewon going to roll over and die for someone whodoesn’t even have all his working limbs.

unfortunately for him though, the moment is so fast, the repercussionsso out of control, that even though he hears mina and his mercenaries’ guns go offin retaliation, hears the shouts, hears his name called, he falls backwards.falls or stumbles—it’s a bit fuzzy, but he knows almost immediately that it isthe wrong thing to do once the ground below him gives away, and suddenly thereis nothing around him. one split second shot of the bridge rising much higherabove him, before a splash and the deafening suffocation.

he knew from the beginning coming to this planet in the deadof winter had been a terrible idea. in general, the desert-born captain avoidswinter whenever he possibly can, but sometimes desperate times demand goingwhere the money is. his crew needs paid and henry’s been complaining more thanusual about parts they’re missing in the engine room. jaewon is abrasive withhim, cutting and direct as always, but worry has begun to seep into the edgesof him and he knows the mechanic can only fashion scrap metal into makeshiftpieces for so long. they’d gotten ready for a trap, but of a different sort, thoughtsomeone else was going to be the one doing the shooting, not the man standingliterally four feet from him.

probably should have seen that coming, given the reputationof just about every motherfucker on this rock.

jaewon hates the cold, hates the job, hates the meetingplace on the bridge. it’s not so bothersome that it’s a trap, and he doesn’treally trust anyone in the verse to begin with, but it’s the water that ruinshim the most. a river with clusters of ice floating on top of it, deep andsteady like every nightmare he’s ever had, and as his body breaks the surface andsinks in the swallowing depths, he wonders. is this the same cold thosesoldiers by his side had felt when they were cut down at his feet?

he moves though, not dead yet, thrashing and desperate, clawingat the freezing liquid to find his way back to the top, but gravity suspendsitself and he is without direction; can’t find air, can’t find up, can’t findthe sun. the water grows heavy and stings his eyes, burning down his throat,through his nose, invading his lungs. it douses his fire, renders him useless,inert, and he can feel the color leaving his body, ripped away from him by theice knots that block out the light. he tries to move towards them, tries tobreak free of them, but movement is becoming more and more difficult as the riverdrags him downwards, the biting temperature wrapping around his limbs like chains.he manages to pull out of his coat, the weight of it not helping, but it’s not enoughto touch surface level, it’s not enough to grant him air again, and only allowshis body heat to leave him faster.

he sees it now, peeks of light through the roof of thewater, raw winter sunlight, none of it reaching him. he reaches for it though,but he can’t swim, the undercurrent having a much tighter hold over him, thedarkness closing over him like a page being turned. that’s the problem withsunlight; you can’t grab it, you can’t keep it, can’t use it to pull you out oftrouble. it is not meant to be held, only felt.

gold eyes close and for a moment the hum of serenity drowns outthe blackness, smiles and snide remarks block out the water from his ears, theskies are clear, the engine is warm.

a small breaking sound cascades around him and his vision ismuddy, but a figure swims towards him and grabs his shirt by the shoulder.male, strong, and jaewon grasps onto him like the life raft he offers of himself.johnny’s grip is stronger than the current, wrapping a rope around the captain,who follows his tugging up to wherever the line leads, which feels like sidewaysto him and doesn’t make any sense—but then again, large bodies of water don’tmake sense to him either. winter doesn’t make sense to him.

never the less, they breech the surface and jaewon gasps forair, coughing and hacking and reaching for anything sturdy enough to hold him.unfortunately for a moment, that’s johnny, which puts him in danger sincejaewon’s only thought for a moment is to get enough leverage to breathe, whichmeans he incidentally pushes the merc underwater to do it. agony in his lungsand his side driving him to madness, but luckily johnny is strong enough andsmart enough to direct jaewon’s desperation onto a small, nearby iceberg, justbig enough for them both to climb up onto.

his nails dig into the frozen clump, everything in him surehe’s going to pass out in a minute, his blood staining the white, his skindeathly pale. blue lips, shivering organs, numbness in every limb, cold hairwet against his head, leaking down into his eyes. johnny gasps beside him andhe can hear mina screaming from the shoreline, her, lucy, and jiyong all withgrips on the ropes that tether him, the end of it frozen to his fingers. heglances over at them, still heaving for breath.

he knows there is sunlight here but he can’t feel it now. hecan barely breathe and the ever-exploding pain in his side is threatening tosplit him open.

“did we…. get…. the pay…?” he mutters through chatteringteeth, turning slowly back to johnny. the look he receives warns him that isnot the question he ought to be asking after an ordeal like this. but it is theonly one that really matters in the end.

[syphineas-blog]

songbird 8 and 13

AU: wherein xerxes and jaewon are loversplaying: darling — maretu ft. hatsune mikuLet’s connect our hands, joining placesIn a fantastical confusion.Disease in brain!Dangerously developing!Wait, are you even listening, darling?

he was one to just let everything happen—let his impulse take control and the chaos to guide him. and always, he had never regretted any decision of his. not even when he lost half of his left leg because he had wanted to save someone. yet, there had been one decision that he found himself wanting to change—

he would always regret having kissed jaewon that day.

no one—not even he or jaewon—expected themselves in this position really. after all, he was the passenger who seek for freedom and let himself be taken in by chaos—whilst jaewon was someone who’d rather control and have peace. two ends of the spectrum, beliefs that clashed, and the obvious disdain they had for each other. of course everyone wouldn’t think they’d end up like this. it was almost like a unanimous decision that he would eventually leave serenity or jaewon would eventually snap and kick him out.

but here they were, in a relationship. all because one time they ended up arguing because that was the mood he had been in and jaewon’s not that difficult to rely on—which led to him just going in to crash his lips against jaewon because it had oddly felt right at that moment and to shut him up.  then jaewon responded back, and afterward they found themselves in a treacherous cycle.

a routine that included a lot more heated arguments, more forceful pushing of beliefs—yet now mixed with moments where everything fell into a need to lock lips, to release frustrations by making romantic gestures more violent, and with hate that’s now intertwined with love. it’s madness, harmful, and yet that was how they worked.

it’s ruining them. this dangerous game they played. yet, like smoking cigarettes, it’s addictive and difficult to stop. and he hated it, hated it so damn much. because jaewon and him—no matter how much they loved each other, they would despise as much and their views in life were too deeply rooted in them that they could not relent it for the other.

at times, he did think about it—delude himself into thinking that it was fine. that it was a magical, fairy-tale like romance. perform a self-lobotomy, ruin his mind for he could not exit this despairing love of their’s. but that would go against his conviction and he never wanted to lose to jaewon. perhaps, jaewon would have loved hyunseung more than xerxes. for hyunseung would listen, and hyunseung would never fight back. hyunseung would be a follower when xerxes would never, and he never understood why jaewon couldn’t find someone like hyunseung than stick with him.

truthfully, he had brought forth the topic of ending this messed up whatever-it-was they had. but jaewon pretended not to listen, and he would just end up too frustrated by the lack of answers. despite that, he had a feeling he understood why. because he could easily end this by leaving serenity and just saying goodbye  to it all, but complicated emotions screwed over any healthy plans or the sort.

so, he’d allow himself one chain only. apologized to xorvea internally for letting such a thing to happen, but he would never let jaewon know. he’d deteriorate as he fought, but at least he waged a war. looking at jaewon, eyes lit with defiance and smirk so feral, he said “well then darling, i’d like to see you try.”

screw it, he never liked thinking too much about anything much anyways.

AU: xerxes and jaewon met each other during childhoodtw: slavery, death, warplaying: i am “end” — sakuzyo

i.he could recall the first time he met jaewon, a kid sitting inside a box and so much like a blank canvas that was just waiting to be painted on. but at that time, he had been a kid who lived in valluria and wanted to survive. so he snarled at the younger boy, trying to be as scary as he could be “what do you want? go away, go somewhere else!”

“i have nowhere, i have nothing.”

the response he got was different from other kids, but there’s something about this boy’s gaze that screamed of potential. and he could not help but think it’d be such a waste of a chance to not take in the other. so he smirked once his decision was made.

“welcome to the club.”

ii.after that faithful meeting, it’s become a hobby to watch the boy—jaewon—grow. jaewon’s got a certain eye to things, adapting to this cruel world of their’s with more finesse than others. he would see their ragtag group becoming much more organized, and much more ready to survive as they gain more profit. they’re more like a gang of criminals now, and there’s no designated leaders—but he found himself thinking that jaewon would be a wondrous one.

it did not matter that he was older, because he had a feeling that each of them noticed the power in him. and he knew that jaewon would be that one person they’d listen to. even if he very much prefer the idea of freedom more so than being a follower—there’s an exception only meant for jaewon.

so they grew, and sometimes he wondered whether they could become something greater. this crew of street rats that formed because they had nowhere else or nothing to go back to. but the he remembered that the land they stood on was valluria, and valluria was cruel to it’s inhabitants.

iii.it happened so suddenly, the massacre of the closest thing he could call family. he wasn’t there when it happened, because he had decided to head out as he was simply in the mood to do so. they said to not go because it was dangerous, but in the end it had been their hideout that would be the worst place to be in. was it a stroke of good or bad luck, he wondered. for he’s free from death’s clutches but the rest was sacrificed. 

yet he left, because he could not stay in such a place longer. not only because their deaths would slowly ruin him, but also because the predators would always come back to it. 

and he was right, the murderers came back. what he didn’t know was that jaewon had been there just after he left and was whisked away by those vile beings.

iv.he cursed as he found himself caught by the slave traders. he was silenced by them gagging him, locking him down with chains and shackles. they’d think he’d be able to get them nice cash because they deemed his face pretty enough for at least an extra penny. but all he wanted to do was break his bonds and mutilate their faces. because he would not be chained down and be a blasted slave for anyone.

there was a blessing in disguise, though. as in that treacherous place, he spotted a familiar face as badly caged as him. and for a moment, he’s silent as his breath got caught in his throat and emotions ready to burst out of him. 

because that’s jaewon, and he’s alive. and jaewon’s as fierces as ever even if he could see a much too similar haunted look in the other eyes that he could see by looking at his reflection. the boy’s now the only one he got in his life, and that’s what gave him hope. and he knew these men that had them locked would suffer for jaewon was a riot and he was not any better.

maybe jaewon had seen him, maybe he had not, but he vowed that he’d get out of this gorram’ hellhole with jaewon.

v.for once, the pretty face is a blessing because they don’t touch it and try not to hurt him too badly. he took advantage of it, obviously, and would annoy and play with fire on a constant basis. the first and only time they had been read to brand a slave trade number on him, he created hell to the people in the same space as him.

and even as he was handed to a master who had a sleazy grin and dirty hands, he could tell that the guy was weak and that the body guards he had was crap. how the man still was alive in valluria, only god or whatever asshole up there knew.

so he ended the man’s life for them. pretended to be a pretty little thing for the span of when he was taken in by the man as a slave, and then until they got their own private space. he would have wanted to do worse, to make it painful, but he must head back to get jaewon first. and he had tried his best to ingrain the route in his mind, so that once he’d done he knew the way back.

it’s rather sad how he escaped easily, the ‘master’ was an idiot to have hired the worst bodyguards ever. at least, it was fortunate on his end as this made the escape more easy. although, returning to the sight of a damn spaceship having a war with the slaves was one that he did not expect. he was reckless, though, so he rushed into fray—for once, not getting into the fighting, snatching a weapon in between, and searching for jaewon frantically. he did spot him, shooting at people and he almost got shot too—had the other not stopped and saw his face. 

he grinned wildly, and for a brief moment the battle faded to behind the scenes. but just as he did, he steeled himself “i think we’re both in an agreement that we got to get the hell out of here.”

vi.they did get the hell out of there, thanks to the woman that had been leading the crew. when she had asked them about which side they were on, both of them didn’t hesitate to say the same answer. anything’s better than valluria, the land of war, where he got that horrid mark on him ( that he so desperately just wanted to scratch it out because it’s a brand of his freedom being taken away and that’s not something he ever wanted ), and the grave of people he cared so much about.

the lady isn’t so soft on him as she was with jaewon. but that’s probably because he was much more chaotic and wild. he was the fighter, the one who would rather be unbound and cause mayhem despite his peaceful and easy-going disposition when he wasn’t. out of valluria, he’s grown much more tranquil and the captain would have kicked him out if he didn’t. 

he wouldn’t let himself get kicked out, though. because the idea of not being around jaewon was terrifying. they were both survivors of their tragedy, and it felt better to know that there was someone around who understood him. so he calmed himself down, watch jaewon as he grow to become far better than if he stayed in valluria, and he listened to the rules of the captain almost obediently—but he’d only ever allow himself one leader and that position has been taken already.

he glanced at jaewon again, saw his ambitions rose and how the captain was leaving the knowledge for him to become the one to take her role once she decided to resign. that role was most definitely taken.

vii.joining the war wasn’t really something he had wanted to do. but the idea of losing jaewon, the only one he had from back then, was terrifying. so he signed up for it alongside jaewon, even if he knew this was not for him. he was never good with listening to orders from either side, and he would have preferred to be a neutral party more so than anything else. because even if the alliance seek to rule the verse with an iron fist, he had already decided to rebel no matter what. but not with others, not under the rule of another. it’s just how he was, he rather to be an individual than to fall into any group.

even so, he fought with all his might. not quite making the leaps jaewon had, for he was no leader, but a fighter that was known to be ruthless and the end of many others. jaewon would e the beginning, the one who commanded others and he would become the end, the one to unleash pandemonium and eliminate lives. jaewon’s capable of being the ‘end’, but he liked to think that he was better in that role at least. 

unfortunately, the war ended with their loss. there’s too many lives lost and sometimes he thought that his hands weren’t his skin but drenched in a phantom red. horrified faces would be etched into his mind, yet at the same time he could not be bothered. this was what they had all signed up for when they got into war, and he knew it could not be helped.

maybe he’s become too cold-hearted, but that could be blamed on how his life had been one of horrors after horrors. still, he followed jaewon as the man would trudge across the bloody lands of serenity valley. then soon came the vow that escaped from the other lips “i’ll never fall under the boot of the empire. never.”

and there’s so much more to the statement, a conviction to it that he could understand.  despite the corpses that surrounded them, how disgustingly red his boots were now ( or was he just imagining that like he did with his hands? ) he grinned “i know.”

because he wouldn’t have decided that jaewon would be the only man he followed if the guy had not been defiant and determined.

viii.“serenity. that’s the name of the ship now.” jaewon would tell him, and he understood. watching jaewon for nearly all his life had made it far too easy to read and the unspoken words were as loud as the screams of the war that still rang in his ears. 

“aye, captain.” he accepted the reason that was not voiced. this was their new beginning, and again, jaewon’s leading it.

and again, he will become ‘end’ to anyone who tried to disrupt what jaewon built up. because jaewon would bring the only peace and control that he could accept. 

[rkhongjoong]

                                                           ━━━━━━━━━━                            THIS SONG IS ABOUT YOU     BUT YOU DON’T KNOW                 THIS SONG IS ABOUT YOU     BUT YOU DON’T KNOW                                                            ━━━━━━━━━━                             █   OH JINSEOK     |     RAP + VOCAL           0:06-1:07, 1:37-2:28                    YOU DON’T KNOW for NOVAENT     █           1min 52sec audtape

when he calls nova to set up his audition, they're very specific - rap or singing only.  no dancing.  nothing over the top.  they just want to see the vocal skills he could present them with, nothing more and nothing less.  jinseok supposes that in this moment, they know what exactly it is they’re looking for.  why they’re looking for it is another question he wants answered, but he won’t get that if he fails.

jinseok isn’t really kidding himself, anyway - he would have accepted the terms of the audition even if they wanted him to balance on a fitness ball while juggling and playing the harmonica.

but he’s kind of glad they don’t because he can’t play the harmonica.

regardless, despite all the elated feelings and the joking around, things aren’t completely perfect.  not because he isn’t looking forward to the audition, not because he didn’t want to try out for this company - there was a reason nova was once upon a time his first choice, after all.  but it still comes with a feeling of dread and disappointment, and a feeling of guilt.  hiding behind his smile is the awkward reminder that he should have been doing this with his twin - they were supposed to get into a company together.  train together.  debut together.

this is what they’ve been planning for years now, and knowing that, jinseok feels like he’s committed some sort of betrayal.  like he’s taking a huge step forward while his brother has to hang back and watch him from the sidelines.

the thing about twins is, it seems like his brother knows before he even tells him.

he always seems to read the way jinseok holds his smile differently, if he’s worried about something or feeling a bit more down than he lets on.  because even though people think that jinseok is oblivious, he doesn’t quite wear his heart on his sleeve.  he’s a lot more secretive than he lets on, and his brother knows that.  he knows what jinseok needs without him having to say it.

that night when hyun is still at practice and jinseok is sitting at the kitchen table alone and staring off into space, he sits across from him. “ did you pick a song yet? let’s practice.”

jinseok smiles, but his lip trembles.

all of them are moving forward.  

the thing about rap is, if it doesn’t mean something to you then you might as well be simply reciting something dull.  in that moment, a rapper practically becomes an actor without a soul.  a sun that fizzled out a long time ago.  that’s something that jinseok refuses to become, especially in front of the panel in nova - if they really want to see his skill, they have to see the full extent of it.  that includes his heart, laid bare and beating for them to read like a bloody storybook.

as much as he may want to, he puts aside the idea of perhaps writing his own song.  making a beat, writing the lyrics, and memorizing them in the time span of just two weeks is difficult, and this audition should show off what he can do, not what he struggles with.  he doesn’t want to appear foolish and make them think he bit off more than he could chew - for now, at least.  the audition isn’t the place for the possibility of a stumble; if jinseok makes it through, he can go above and beyond trying to impress.

that leaves the choice of a song, one that means something to him and one that he knows well enough to perform.

things always come to jinseok when he’s not thinking about them.

no matter how hard he was putting his brain into the process, trying and failing and reaching for lyrics that would work for him, it just wasn’t working.  but the moment that jinseok let himself relax, it’s like the choice was set before him on a dinner plate.  loco’s you don’t know talks about his heart and all the things he feels for one jung jaewon and maybe, he thinks, that’s why it’s perfect.  it’s strange that a song he hasn’t written himself can resonate so strongly within him.

but it’s a song that came to mind while thinking about him.

(  and no one has to know.  )

the day of the audition does not bring with it anxiety, but instead, excitement.  jinseok has never been the type to get a dose of stage fright when eyes have been on him; instead, with attention he thrives.  when his foot taps against the floor, waiting for his turn in the audition room it is not out of nerves but rather, anticipation.  he wants to be able to show his spark.  the practice he put forth with his brother, late hours into the night when they both really should have been sleeping since they had class the next day.

there’s still the sense of guilt that lingers somewhere in his gut, but they are all moving forward.  jinseok has learned these past few days that he, too, needs to take steps on his own.

so he wants to make this all worthwhile.  just because he’s auditioning without his brother this time, doesn’t mean that he’s losing him.  it doesn’t mean that their dream of debut together can’t come true.  these thoughts sound off to the beat of you don’t know, because that’s the only song that jinseok has in his head these days.

it even sounds like the receptionist’s voice works with the rhythm when she calls his name.  everything for him right now is about the music, about this.  everything is about this audition.

he steps into the room and he’s all smiles, just as he always is - but there’s nothing lurking behind it this time, no guilt and no worries.  just a wide smile that shows all his teeth, one that doesn’t fall when he dips his head low for a bow.  “ thanks for having me today!” his voice is sure, confident and he looks the panel in the eyes when he speaks.  “ i’m oh jinseok, and i have something for you - ah, where did it go -” he starts searching inside the jacket that he’s wearing like he’s lost something, an aha moment and then - he pulls out his thumb and his forefinger, shaped into a heart.  “ found it ~” he snickers and drops his hands comfortably to his sides, rocking on his feet.  

(  he hopes he didn’t mistake the quick smile he thought he saw before a second glance showed only carefully schooled neutrality.  )

“ when i called for this audition, they told me you wanted to see what i could offer in terms of rap and vocal, so that’s what i’m going to do - kind of glad you didn’t actually ask me to balance on a fitness ball while playing the harmonica because that would have taken a lot of learning.” he pauses with another quick grin. inwardly, jinseok wonders just how many people joke around with the audition panel before they really begin.  he decides it doesn’t really matter - after all, this is his personality.  he’s always trying to get people to smile.  so he just brushes it off, scratches the back of his head and shrugs. “ still would have done it if you asked, though.  but since that’s not what you wanted to see, today, i’m here with loco’s you don’t know.”

there are a lot of things important to rap.  there’s knowing the lyrics, judging the flow, but jinseok still feels like having heart in the song is what matters most.  he thinks about his brother, because that’s who stayed up late with him to work on this audition.  he thinks about his parents, and what they’re going to say by the end.  

but most of all, he thinks about jaewon, and so he starts off slow.  

it begins with a simple melody.  singing isn’t necessarily his focus, but jinseok enjoys it - he can carry the tune in clear tones and closed eyes.  the thing about this song is that the singing supplements the rap that comes after; it’s not meant to be the focus but rather, an allusion to sweeter yearning and bottled feelings.

난 오늘밤도 너를 떠올려 니가 모르게 니가 모르게 난 지금 이 순간에도 어김없이 너를 떠올려  니가 모르게 니가 모르게

he doesn’t show any doubt, because these are his real feelings all wrapped up in a song that’s almost meant for him to sing - to rap.  and rap is where he really shines, eyes open now and looking at the panel.  it’s like this song is for them rather than who it’s really meant for, because that’s something that they’ll never have to know.

오늘도 조용하게 말하지 닿을 수 있다면 오늘도 조용하게 말하지 닿을 수 있다면 어쩔 수 없다는 상황 탓을 하며 괜히 상상해 보는 너와 마주치는 장면 그래 다시 볼 수 있겠지 널 언젠가는 매일 너의 사진들을 확인하는 나와는 다르게 애써 무관심한 척 보낸 말들 더는 아무것도 모른 채 살고 있겠지 노래를 듣게 되도 그냥 지나치겠지 용기를 내고 싶어 마셨던 술 때문에 잃었던 기억 서롤 붙잡고 쳤던 춤 더 빠져들기 싫어서 멈췄던 대화 넌 지금쯤 어떤 상대와 또 인연을 맺고 있을 수도 있어 이기적이지만 그 인연은 아니길 난 빌어

the first verse comes off smooth, natural.  he’s practiced it enough to chant it in his sleep, and even though this is loco’s song, jinseok - with his own charm, with his own way, is making it his own.  it shows in the way he points at the judges when a line in english comes in the form of lines sung, every time a you is spoken and a one, two, three -

생각했었지 미련을 갖기엔 인생은 너무 짧다고 그런 말을 하기엔 난 아직 어린가 봐 너의 말 한마디에 아무것도 하지 못하고 있는 나를 알기에 걷어내고 싶어 네 마음에 모든 벽 궁금해 그 벽장 속에 모든 것  조금이라도 내가 담겨있을 까 아니면 다른 누군가로 가득 차 있을까 분명히 언젠가는 잊혀지겠지 시간은 가고 이 노래가 남겨지겠지 이 감정을 버리고 싶지 않아서 난 끄적였던 가사들을 이 곳에 다 담았어 넌 지금 나의 모든 것을 벌거벗겨 그래도 난 부끄럽지 않아 당당하게 서있어 하지만 넌 아무것도 보지 못해 지금도 너를 떠올리네 네가 모르게 yeah

he finishes off strong, the second verse punctuated with an english ending.  this verse was trickier than the first, with different ways to work his tone and his lyrics - it’s almost like telling a story of hesitation, worry, with different stops and falling tones on certain syllables.  but jinseok did his best to convey, and he thinks that he succeeded - he did everything as he practiced those long hours into the night when he should have been sleeping for school.

so with nothing left to give but a smile, jinseok finds himself satisfied.  no matter how this turns out, he knows he gave them what he could offer.  there would be no regrets.

still, like a normal person, there is hope.  there’s a wish deep inside him that the judges can smile for him, too.

[famedroleplayarchive]

PARK JAEWON is the LEADER, MAIN RAPPER, LEAD DANCER, AND VOCAL of UNITY under DIMENSIONS ENTERTAINMENT. He was born on JULY 14, 1994. He looks a little like LEE SEUNGHYUB OF N.FLYING. 

CHARACTER INFORMATION

faceclaim: lee seunghyub, n.flying

legal name: park jaewon

stage name:

pronouns: he/him

birth date: 14-7-1994

hometown: seoul, south korea

position: leader/main rapper/lead dancer/vocal of unity

claims: cameo: gal.actic - mysterious (male lead)

BIOGRAPHY

triggers: death, car accident

the park family was an incredibly normal one, an office worker, and his kindergarten teacher wife living in an average apartment in the middle of seoul with their little baby boy jaewon who enjoyed an equally ordinary but nonetheless pleasant upbringing. even as a child, jaewon was always the exact amount of ordinary to live a happy life yet not one quite interesting enough to stand out. he was rowdy and playful like other boys his age yet not obnoxious or rude, he did decently in school yet not enough to be top of his class, he was friendly and outgoing yet not quite so to have a constant following of friends wherever he went.

park jaewon grew up perfectly ordinary, a blessing he would never quite appreciate before it was gone.

he was eleven when he not only lost the simple life he had grown so used to, he lost his parents as well in the process. the disaster occurred in the form of a terrible car crash caused by a faulty truck, killing them both on impact not even an hour after jaewon had last seen them happy and alive as they had dropped him off at his grandmother’s place for the weekend.

his grandmother took him in without a moment of hesitation, giving him at least as much love and care as his parents had done when they were still alive yet the loss still changed something in jaewon, as if he had instantly matured far too much for a boy of his age. he grew cold and disinterested, dropping all the hobbies and friends that had held his interest before like they had never existed at all, the smile he usually wore on his face suddenly almost impossible to remember.

for at least a solid year he remained that way, visibly unbothered and uninterested by everything and everyone around him. yet eventually there was a change, not one he spotted himself but one unmistakably recognized by his grandmother, the way his body would sometimes move to the soft sound of the radio in the background while doing his chores, the methodical and constant tapping of his foot against the wooden floorboards as he made his homework while drowning out all the noise with a headset. music seemed to move jaewon both figuratively and literally in ways he didn’t even notice himself.

it was his grandmother’s suggestion to pick up dance classes and jaewon begrudgingly accepted more for the sake of making the older woman happy than purely for his own joy. that attitude, however, didn’t last wrong and within the first month of his classes he fell madly in love with dancing. it became a way to let out pent-up anger he didn’t even know he had been harboring and a way to no matter how briefly, clear his head.

his love for music for music only grew and slowly but surely he started experimenting with both singing and rapping as well and with his almost blinding passion and diligent attitude he didn’t even carry in his classes, it quickly became clear he was not only incredibly talented but also had the potential to reach far and wide. by the age of thirteen, he found a new dream for the first time in years: standing on stages and pouring his heart and soul in performances in front of thousands of people. music and dance managed to lift him out of the deep slump he had been in ever since the loss of his parents.

yet he didn’t dare to tell his grandmother about his wish, how could he ever tell the loving old woman that had taken care of him so lovingly and so selfishly that he intended to chase his dreams and leave her side in the progress. what jaewon didn’t realize was that the older woman had always been far more observing and stubborn than he gave her credit for. without his knowledge, she signed him up for an audition at dimensions entertainment.

he passed the audition with flying colors, entering the company in 2008, as he was a few months shy of turning fifteen. upon starting he had been as hard-working and eager as ever, determined to show his worth and make it towards his debut. the first set-back struck during the formation of alien when he had been rumored to potentially make it into the group. he didn’t however. of course, it had been mere gossip, nothing concrete at all yet he couldn’t deny feeling a little disappointed. luckily he shook it off rather quickly, he was only 18 at the time, he had plenty of time left he told himself.

and a new opportunity rose indeed, this time he even made it into the first draft of mars. however it remained an opportunity, nothing more and while jaewon was dreaming of what his debut stage would look like, the higher-ups broke the news to him that they decided to pull him from the group, that he didn’t fit with the group and it’s concept in the way they had expected him to. and so, his expectations were crushed and kicked into the ground yet again.

slowly and surely jaewon began to lose the little faith he had left, feeling the undeniable dread that maybe it just wasn’t meant for him as at this point, all his friends that he had met during his early trainee days had long debuted, some younger ones even debuting after having been around not even half as long as he had been.

jaewon had been on the brink of leaving the company and letting his dream to become an idol be exactly that, a dream when finally, he received good news. dimensions wanted to debut him in their newest boy group, with him as the leader. at first, he was reluctant around the other boy’s, not daring to get his hopes up just to see his debut fall through yet again but the closer their first stage approached, the more he warmed up to his members.

8 years after joining the company, jaewon finally made his debut.

that was only the start for unity and now, a solid year and a half later jaewon is living up to his title as the group’s leader. he tends to be rather stoic and uptight, working around the clock to keep the group of rowdy boys in line and sometimes and while perhaps, he could be a bit more lenient from time to time, it comes from a place of love. he’s all too aware of the high bar the company has set for them as a group and will personally make sure they live up to those expectations as a team. he just wants the best for his boys, after all, he’s the one that responsible for them.