#and yet here we are :) the burnout may be strong but by god i have a fire extinguisher

[raineandsky]

#109

When the doorbell rings, the hero’s kind of hoping it’s the pizza delivery guy.

They open the door to find, tragically, not the pizza delivery guy.

“Uh,” the villain says, “hi.”

The hero isn’t entirely sure what sequence of words would best fit this scenario. “Hi?” is the best they can do.

The villain shuffles on their feet awkwardly. A pause hangs between them, filled by the distant roar of the city beyond. “I thought you’d ask why I’m here,” they say eventually.

“I’m more concerned about how you’re here.”

A smile threatens the corners of the villain’s mouth. “We know where all you heroes live.” The smile fades into nothing again. “Or just I know, now, I guess.”

“Okay.” The hero squints at the villain uncertainly. “I’ll entertain you. Why the hell are you standing outside my door?”

“No one wants to be a villain anymore. Everyone quit.” The villain’s face contorts into some unreadable expression. “It’s just me.”

That doesn’t sound right. From the villain’s slight grimace, they know it too. “Everyone… quit villainy,” the hero repeats.

“There’s nothing to gain from it anymore. We had a vote and I was the only one who wanted to keep going.” The villain’s gaze dips to their hands as if they hold answers. “They left me everything, but… I can’t do it all on my own. So I’m turning myself in.”

The hero stares at the villain for a long moment. “Even [Supervillain].”

“Especially [Supervillain].”

The hero steps aside with a sigh. The villain looks like they’re being invited into a pit of wolves. “You want me to come into your house?”

“My handcuffs are in my living room cabinet and I don’t trust you standing out there. It’s cold, anyway.”

The villain closes the door behind them in an uncharacteristic show of politeness as the hero digs through their drawers. They’re wiping their shoes on the mat when the hero gets back, cuffs in hand.

The villain holds their hands out and the hero clicks the cuffs around their wrists. It’s almost too easy. The question is sitting on the tip of their tongue.

“What’s the catch?”

The villain doesn’t seem surprised by the question. They shrug halfheartedly. “Dunno.” They glance about for inspiration. “All the others have gone into hiding, I guess. You have me, but everyone else will probably evade you for the rest of time.”

“Much like they already do.” The hero manoeuvres them to the sofa in the living room, giving them a nudge to make them actually sit down. “You make it sound like you’ve been left in charge of the entire criminal organisation.”

The barking laugh the villain lets out is entirely fake. Too sharp, too short. “I have.”

“So villany will collapse without you.”

The villain shrugs again, the motion laden with effort. “Not like anyone else was willing to carry that burden—and I’m not either, hence why I’m, y’know…” They gesture vaguely at themself, in cuffs, in the hero’s living room.

The villain goes, villainy is defeated. No more villains, no more big crimes, no more heroes. Everything the agency has worked to be would collapse. The hero would be out of a job. It'd be over.

Yet here the villain is, giving everything up, taking the entirety of villainy down with them. The sole survivor of a shipwreck and wishing they’d gone down with the ship. A ship they don’t seem to realise the hero is on too.

The doorbell rings again, and the hero leaves the villain carefully settling on the sofa to answer it. They return with a giant grin on their face and a giant pizza box in their hands.

“Let’s worry about all this afterwards,” the hero says brightly. They brandish the box at the villain in the hopes of tempting them. “Want some?”

The tempting works; the villain reaches for a slice. “What a last meal.”

The hero sets the box on the coffee table as they flop back on the sofa. “I don’t know, [Villain],” they say with a smile, “I don’t think it has to be.”

[wanderinglotus7]

Press Replay

HAPPY NEW YEAR! Happy belated New Year...I guess. I’m not sure if I wrote a recap post from last year. If not, here it is lol. Two months into 2023 and I’m living in my joy. During the summer I said I want to live in peace, and I been living in peace since I gain stability in my life. Though October is an emotional triggering time for me, I declared that I want to live in joy. And reflecting back, I DESERVE PEACE & JOY! 2020 to 2022 were doozies for me. Sometimes I wonder how I even made it this far. I know for sure that my faith in God helped me overcome my challenges and helped me make some tough decisions. Those years taught me how strong I am and how far my love goes. After October I feel like a new woman. Similar to 2018, I made space to love myself again. I renewed the confidence inside myself that I pushed aside in order to adhere to the needs of others. I’m being more intentional in how I take care of my needs. Like Miley Cyrus says, “I can buy myself flowers”.

It is the 7th month mark of me being employed at BIDMC. The time is actually passing by fast. Soon I will be celebrating my 1-year anniversary with Adelante and the Center for Violence Prevention & Recovery. I’m not sure if I would label this as a roadblock, yet I’m questioning my “WHY”. When I say my “why”, I mean I’m questioning why I choose to work for CVPR. I know my reasons why I decided to apply for the peer specialist and social work advocate positions with Adelante. However, if Adelante didn’t exist, and the position as a social worker was open with CVPR would’ve I took interest in the open position. Would I even apply? I started thinking about this about a week or two weeks ago. Flipping thru the pages of my social work (SW) journal, I wrote down Adelante’s job posting three times, so I have no doubt that God called me to this program. During the interview process I think I unconsciously ignored the job responsibilities associated with CVPR. It’s like things have flipped over these past months. My first 3 months I was engulfed in a CVPR bubble. Once things started to settle down around late September to mid-October, I found myself in an Adelante bubble which I’m not complaining about because I had so many questions on what I was supposed to be doing regarding my Adelante clients. And then the concerns around the programs funding was holding space in the back of my mind [and still does a little bit]. With the increase in pay and a revision/renewal of the MOVA grant that CVPR receives, and the fact we can’t afford to lose any more staff, I still have a job at the end of June 2023. I’m not sure if I could sustain myself working a full time On-call schedule. Thinking about it, it feels like I’m back interning in the Intake department at Samaritan House except CVPR receives everyone from underneath the sun even though they may not fit the program’s criteria, CVPR overextends itself to help EVERYONE.

There’s nothing wrong with wanting to help those in acute distress, but when is enough enough...you know? BURNOUT. COMPASSION FATIGUE. Out of the blue I became sick which sucks. Yet, I believe this is God’s way of telling me that I need to rest because I’m doing too much. 8am to 5pm in the office. A long 5-day work week. Back-to-back with few breaks. Only two days to do what I want, but really can’t because I’m trying to catch up on the adult aspects of my life outside of work. Preparing for my ASWB Master’s exam. Being more active at NewCity Church. Indulging in my hobbies. Squeezing time to socialize in some capacity. Painting a picture for myself at this phase of my life. Creating & reading this list is making me tired hahaha. It felt good leaving work around 2pm after being there since 7:40am, and getting home around 3pm, take a midafternoon nap & still have energy for the rest of the evening. Feels like HEAVEN! I had to force myself to callout Friday because I was still feeling poopy. I’m glad I did because I rested more and got some fresh air, but the wind reminded me real quick that I was still sick. Yet that morning I was tempted to input case notes into the database. I can’t waste a sick day doing unpaid work. Again, I don’t get paid for overtime. If it wasn’t for how the OVC or MOVA grant is written, I could have a Monday to Thursday work schedule (I still meet the full-time criteria for BIDMC SW). Maybe after my 1-year anniversary, I can speak with Cynthia (my supervisor) if I can adjust my work hours. Mon to Thur 8am to 3pm then Fri 8:30am to 5pm (this seems reasonable to me). And still work from home on Wednesdays. On those days it’s still technically 8:30am to 5pm, but I start at 9:30 am to whenever I have my last meeting for that day [TBD].

All in all, I don’t regret my decision when it comes to my career. I work with a good time and receive good benefits. I wish us SW could have more vacation time and separate time for personal (mental health) days, but sometimes you have to give and take. In the long run, I would like to open my own bookstore whenever God calls me towards a different path or maybe when I’m close to retirement. I will sell used & new books along with some treats on some days like muffins, cookies, or brownies. Simple things. Or maybe a soup of the day if I feel like it. Outside of water, I can sell hot chocolate and/or apple cider when the Fall & Winter comes around. Depending on building space, I can host different events like book clubs, author/writer readings, open mic nights, SLAM poetry readings, and etc. I wouldn’t be doing it for the money. I believe everyone should have access to books that’s why I would like one of those mailboxes that are “Take a Book, Leave a Book” too. The simple life I’m telling you. I can create my own hours and I don’t need to hire many employees to help me out either. I don’t mind accepting volunteers.

My reading list keeps expanding lol. It’s like every few days I’m finding new book recommendations to add to the list. I think I have about 22 books on the list and counting. Me and Jada are restarting our mini book club in May. We are starting with one of her picks from her list then we will read a book from list. Right now, I’m in the mist of reading Michelle Obama’s second book. I want to follow that book with a novel called Jesus Feminist. Me knowing me, I’m going to be reading one or two other books simultaneously in between books. Throughout January, I’ve been working on my poetry and started formulating my second poetry collection. I need to revisit my first collection Purple Hearts and pick up where I left off...trying to get established so my collection can be sold on Amazon. I revised a few poems I wrote in 2021 and even selected a few to be used in my second collection. I still want to title this collection Mariposa (butterfly in Spanish). The writing process has been very therapeutic. I want to write more pose pieces. I’m experimenting with writing in different point of views as well as trying my skills in writing from the male perspective. Did some research and figured out what I want to do for my first solo trip. I want to rent a treehouse or cabin in Vermont for a three-day weekend (Sat to Mon), probably during the Fall. This will be like a mini writer’s retreat for myself. Being surrounded by nature in a relaxing environment should give me plenty of space to draw inspiration and creativity to write. I will bring little technology with me just the basics. That sounds lovely to me.

Oh wow! I’ve been in Boston for 2 years and 6 months. WOW! I can’t believe it. I still miss Gloucester, but Boston is slowly growing on me. I like the New England Fall and the energy it brings. Though I miss the Southern humidity, I like how the summer weather here is more like the Spring temperatures back at home. I was never really much of a fan of the snow, and I’m still not. I hate the frigid cold weather especially the negative degree weather we had last week (YIKES). I hate the traffic around here; Boston drivers are the worse, and the lack of parking is a nightmare. No public transportation system is perfect but at least Boston has an expansive one that can get me where I need to be without having to worry about traffic and parking. I like how I can always find something to do either in or outside of the city. I love the diverse food scene it feeds the foodie inside me lol. I wish the cost of living is cheaper, but it is one of those compromises because some of that money is used for public benefit services (I hope so anyway). Racism & discrimination exist here too and not just in the south or in small communities. My inner nerd loves the abundant options available when it comes to education. The dating scene for me hasn’t been the greatest experience. I’ve been able to expand my friend pool just a little bit. I discovered my church community (NewCity Church-Newton). I still have more of Massachusetts to explore.

I did make my 2023 Vision board. I would post it, but I don’t like how it’s in Black & White instead of color. It’s whatever. On this board it displays pictures of what I want phase or stage 2 of my life. Marriage, family, and my dream house. I won’t be having this future with my ex-partner. It took me a while to realize that for myself because I was watching other people near my age experiencing these major milestones when I envisioned myself taking those very steps too. God had other plans for me. I understand that He wanted me to have stability first before I could bring a life into this world or begin intertwining my life with someone else. Yet, marriage & family isn’t end game for me. I have so much more to look forward to, and I’m excited to share these experiences with my husband and children Ahyoka, Hendrix, & Ezra (if God allows Snoopy too). Considering my future, I might be living the early stages of my marriage and children’s lives in Massachusetts before relocating somewhere else. I would love to be closer to family so my children will be familiar with their family and my madre can help me out, but it’s one of those wait see things (opportunities). Whether I remain at BIDMC or not, I’m not sure where I would relocate. Newton is too expensive, and some other areas are too crowded. I want my own privacy. I don’t want to be living on top of other families or be in such close proximity to my neighbors like that. I just want to live somewhere where me and my husband can maintain good prosperous jobs, somewhat of a diverse community, my children have access to a good education and activities, and I can be a homeowner without sacrificing too much of my family and personal free time. 

My short-term goals: pass my ASWB Master’s exam (LCSW); purchase a “real” bed, pay-off my car, move into my own apartment, employed with Adelante for 5 years, take my mother on a vacation, become a partner at NewCity Church, travel to Jamaica & the Netherlands, and have my family visit me in Boston again.

My long-term goals: pass my ASWB Clinical exam (LICSW); build or purchase a home, continue to travel, publish Mariposa, pay-off my mother’s trailer, continue to have a successful career, be a youth/teen minister, reverse my PCOS symptoms, debt free, and continue to build my savings.

[hero-of-courage]

Okay so Sky in the Linked Universe comic is depicted as soft, kind and almost lazy. Jojo once explained that the Links were given contrasting personalities. Sky is meant to contrast the others with more serious and aloof personalities such as Time and Legend especially. The reason he is the chosen Link for this role is that he has shown the most of those qualities in his game. He smiles more than anyone else, he laughs and he sleeps in random places.

Jojo has also shown that he can be a bit of a gremlin as all of the Links are, but he is the first and therefore everyone would gain some aspects of his personality. He broke a chandelier, he tossed a love letter in a toilet (I personally would have him get Pippit and Karane together), he has some of the most sassy dialogue options.

This may or may not be my own view of Sky’s depiction in Lu, but people tend to focus too much on Sky being the “kind Link”. Yes he is kind, but do you really know why he is? To me Sky is less of the nice one than he is the empathetic or compassionate one.

Skyward Sword is an emotional journey, featuring fear, desperation, love, determination, anger and grief. Sky is emotionally wise and understanding. Where he doesn’t understand he tries his best to gain it. And he cares so much. Almost too much for him to handle. Heck, he was the only Link to cry on screen! People tend to say he is the “happy one”, but in the comic I notice how much he frowns in sympathy or thought. He is saddened whenever he listens to the past hardships of his brothers and he’s not even connected the dots to Demise’s curse yet.

So Sky’s easygoing, empathetic and a touch chaotic. But why do many fanfic writers depict him with such internal struggle and have him hide them away?

Think about Impa’s role in Skyward Sword. She convinced him that he needed to prove himself strong enough to save his friend. She pulled all his anxieties and doubts to the forefront of his mind. “You were too slow. You failed. The goddess was wrong to choose you.” Those doubts have been ingrained into his mind. He promised himself that he would never be late again. He wouldn’t allow himself to rest until his quest was complete.

In Lu Fanfics, Sky often puts everyone else first, silently bearing his own pain because “I can’t slow them down. It doesn’t matter how I feel because everyone else needs to be okay first.” His self sacrifice and disregard of his own needs leads him to burnout and breakdowns.

Someone pointed out that Sky is actually the quiet one in the group. He rarely initiates conversations himself and when he does talk he never really talks about himself. He talks about those he cares about. Zelda, Fi, Groose and the other Links. He also shares necessary information on the master sword and things the others don’t know.

In a more recent update of the comic, Sky mentions that, “With an unbreakable spirit, helplessness is not something we’re accustomed to. It’s just not something we accept.” Here’s another reason to believe that Sky would push himself to the brink before even thinking about giving up or seeking help. I like to think that his willingness to go all out no matter what it would cost himself was what gave him the ability to slay a god. It also gives clarity on how the guy can turn into a total rage monster.

Sky’s determination and compassion are a double edged sword. They give him an edge in conflict, but they can be harmful to himself. He has learned to rely on and push himself to get to his goal no matter the damage dealt to himself. If he achieves his goal, it will have been worth it all.

That said, he will never lose his smile completely. Nor will his charming nature ever disappear. He will make everything okay and when he does he is truly happy. Despite his suffering he will smile, because he believes there’s a time for tears and a time for joy. He lives in the moment and searches for all the excuses to be grateful.

The hero of the skies is easygoing, mischievous, kind, empathetic, compassionate, just, selfless, hard on himself, determined, curious and full of hope.

Okay,can someone please explain me why Sky from LU fandom is always the most affectionate, kind and sleepy character. Like ,I understand that in the game he falls asleep literally after five seconds of sitting on a chair, but why is he constantly shown in fics like someone who is ready to deny his need for help from others until the very last moment, until he breaks down and either starts crying or goes into a rage.

(And yes, I understand the moment with rage, like this moment was shown in the cutscene of the tk of the game. But the other things?????)

[pomegranates-and-blood]

νοσταλγία (Chapter 16)

(Gif credit HERE)

νοσταλγία Masterlist

Pairing: Ivar/Reader

Summary: This is a retelling/romantization of the Greek myth of Persephone’s abduction with Ivar as Hades and you as Persephone. The Reader character is a Byzantine woman, follower of the Greek Pantheon/Religion, and a devoted follower of Persephone. This takes place after 5A, but the universe of this is a little changed in relation with the series, of course. Thank you for giving it a chance, hope you enjoy!

Word Count: 4.2k

Warnings: The usual

A/N: I’m sorry I uploaded a bit later than usual today, I’m just idk, I think I’m nearing a burnout on this. But anyways, I’m sorry, you’re not here to hear me whine lol. Today as promised there’s a second chapter (17), and schedule will stay as is for now. Thank you, and hope you like it.

Taglist: @youbloodymadgenius​ @heavenly1927​ @toe-vind-ek-jou​ @xbellaxcarolinax​ @pieces-by-me​ @angelofthorr​

You can certainly say the people of Kattegat have surprised you. A few days since the King’s announcement that you are to be his wife, their queen, and yet the whispers, the curious eyes; they don’t seem to be any louder or more insistent than before they knew of who you’ll become once their King returns.

You are grateful, you cannot pretend otherwise. To be normal, or as normal as can be in these strange times, it is a luxury you do not take for granted.

So, as it is your new normal, you help the women at the apothecary every day, learning more and more, and yet also having opportunities to teach them better ways. The Gods made you smart, and they also made you arrogant, you are not one to deny it, which is why you and a warrior-like woman have been arguing on how to treat a simple but deep wound for quite a while now.

“We have always done it this way.” The blonde woman argues, but you shake your head.

“That doesn’t mean it is the best way,” You stir the boiling water, pour it over the wine mixed with vinegar and offer it to the woman. “Trust me, I was a healer all over the Mediterranean and the Silk Roads. I know what works best.”

“Arrogant little witch, aren’t you?”

You cock your head to the side and curve your mouth downwards, doubtful, “Is it truly arrogance if it’s founded on actual skill?”

She blinks but then softens her expression, and with a rueful smile on her lips she says, “If your tongue is just as wicked when you face the King, I pity the poor fool.”

“Are any of you going to clean this or sho-…” The warrior sitting in the ground grumbles, but the blonde woman silences him with a hit to the top of his head.

“Shush,” Her eyes remain on you and after a breath she extends a hand, “Fine, give me that water.”

“Careful, it’s hot.”

“He’s Viking, he can take it.” She offers with a sly smile, that quickly falls at your mocking glare when the man squirms and groans as the hot mixture is used to clean the wound on his shoulder.

When the man leaves with a dressed wound that will remain clean thanks to your help, the woman brings the big bowl of fresh water so you can both wash your hands.

As you do, she concedes, “Your ways are proving to be useful, witch.”

“I have a name.” You quip quietly, your voice a grumble. The Viking woman chuckles.

“I know. But ‘witch’ is not an insult, at least to us. It’s a title. You wage war, you sit next to the King, you are welcomed in any hearth.”

“I am no Völva.” You argue calmly, recognizing the traits and benefits she lists as those of a traveling Viking Völva.

“What would you be, back in your home?”

“Dead.” You reply dryly, to which the woman laughs. Clasping a heavy hand on your shoulder, she says,

“I’m Valdís, witch.”

You roll your eyes, but accept the title and her offered seat on the table near the hearth. She passes you an apple and a knife, and you start quietly cutting little sticks for you to eat.

Lifting your gaze to her and watching her toy with a pear and a knife in her own hands, you ask, “Fine, I’m a witch. What are you?”

“A mother. I used to be a shieldmaiden, but…”

“You got married?” You supply when her words die, but the blonde shakes her head with another low, raspy laugh.

“As if a cock could keep a Viking woman from her shield,” She boasts crudely, strikingly reminding you of Sieghild for a moment. The doors to the shop open again, and Freydis walks in, empty basket on one arm and coin pouches on the other. You greet her with a smile, and she returns it as she shrugs off the cloak and takes a seat by your side. Valdís continues her explanation quietly, “No, I did not lay down my shield for marriage. I was…captured during a raid in Wessex. They injured my sword arm badly, and I cannot fight anymore.”

“And your child…” You start, but the words die out, like saying it out loud would make her pain real, like you need to let her decide if she voices this.

Valdís squares her shoulders, strong and unmoving as she says, “He is mine, he is Viking. But…yes, he was…the Saxons forced themselves upon me.”

“I’m sorry.” You whisper.

“I don’t need your sympathy.”

“You Varangians are so strange. It’s not an insult to be offered compassion.” You tell her. She narrows her eyes, chewing in silence.

“What about you? You weren’t here last winter.” Valdís asks instead of answering, turning sharp focus to Freydis.

The blond girl shuffles in her seat before giving her answer. You eye her with concern and curiosity.

“I’m-…I used to be a thrall. I was freed by a son of Ragnar.”

Why doesn’t she say it was Ivar?

“Surprising he didn’t ask you to marry him,” Valdís huffs, and at your look shrugs and explains, “Those brothers have always had a thing for blonde thralls.”

“Slaves don’t get their hands asked for, Valdís.” Freydis quips, and you catch sight of her fingers playing with one another nervously where they rest on her lap.

“My personal thrall has a husband I have met, and children of her own. What are you on about, girl?”

Even if Valdís sounds gruff, you catch a genuine silver of concern, of care, in the woman’s eyes when she regards the frail girl that seems unbreakable and fragile at the same time.

You remain silent, and wait for Freydis to speak again. She does so, quietly, cautiously.

“We are not-…Slaves don’t fall in love, we just get husbands, slaves don’t have…families, we just birth children. Like animals.”

You do not try to stop your hand from finding hers, stopping the maddening twisting of her fingers and bringing her blue eyes to you. With certainty, you say, “First of all, you are not a slave anymore. And you were never, and never will be, an animal, Freydis.”

But she shakes her head, resolute like that day she tried convincing you the Gods marked you favorites for having endured a world of pain, “You don’t understand, witch. Slaves are not people, you cannot love them, you cannot trust them.”

“Says who? Men in power?” Valdís spits out, bitter chuckle on her lips, “Just because of the Gods we follow we are not people if you ask the Christians. Will you let them say if you are a person or not?”

“No.” The blonde girl bites out, voice wavering even in such a short vocalization. You squeeze her hand, but don’t know what to say.

 “Then don’t let others, even our own, tell you that because of capture or birth you are not a woman like any other,” She sounds so motherly you have to bite back a smile. With certainty, the woman continues, “We are all children of the Gods, you are a child of Freyja. Don’t forget that.”

“I’m-…If Freyja looks over me, why…why did I suffer like I did?”

“Because suffering is what makes us human, and who we are,” You supply without hesitation, offering her a sad smile at the truth you had a hard time accepting as well, “How else would you be able to stand tall today and heal your own wounds, fight for what you want, enjoy what you have; without knowing what it’s like to hurt without remedy, to want and be left wanting, to lack and have nothing?”

The mangy black cat that belongs to the shop by now jumps swiftly into Freydis’ lap, and she absent-mindedly starts petting it as she talks,

“So the Gods mark us for pain? You said-…”

You interrupt her words, not wanting to argue this again even if you know now that the deluded notion of pain being a badge of pride is not so certain in her mind.

With another squeeze of her hand, you offer, “Suffering is not preordained, no. Pain, scars, misfortune, they are not proof of the favor of the Gods.”

“Then why-…You were born under the sigil of your Goddess, and you told me you almost burned alive,” You flinch slightly at the reminder, the soft touch of the linens of your dress against the scars burning like the Christian’s fire for a moment. You steal a nervous glance to Valdís, who watches you with wide eyes, and return shameful eyes to Freydis. The blonde girl continues, “You should have died then, but your Gods kept you alive, gave you their favor, their love.”

“The scars I bear are not proof of my Goddess’ love.”

“Your Goddess’ love carried you here!” The girl insists, eyes wide, “You stood in chains in front of Ivar the Boneless and had him release you. You stand at his side, you whisper in his ear, you have power.”

Her words make you pause for a moment, feeling you are witness to the darker side of the blonde girl for the first time since you arrived. She talked with you about lying to get your freedom, she asked about you seducing Ivar in exchange for what he gave you, and now she boasts about you being by his side like a conquest, as if nothing but a crown and power make up the Viking King.

You decide not to dwell on it, but you still release her hand and straighten in your seat. She notices, you know she does, but says nothing.

“No one’s love carried me here, Freydis,” Your voice may sound colder than before, and on the edge of your vision you catch Valdis raising her eyebrows and looking away. Still, you continue, “Sometimes pain is just pain. I don’t know about your Gods, but mine are-…In my home wise men said it takes strength greater than that of believing the Gods guide our every step to accept the Gods sometimes look away from their creations.”

“So they let us suffer?” Freydis asks, frowning.

A loud groan interrupts you, and you both turn to see Valdís throwing her head back where she sits, dragging rough hands over her face.

“Enough with this. Leave it to old and boring men to discuss the wills of the Gods.” She grumbles, earning a small laugh from you.

The days moves on slowly, though you notice the elders in the apothecary start ordering all of you to work more and more on healing salves and presses, making you wonder what the aftermath of a raid or a battle is like for the healers of Kattegat.

After a few days since meeting the former shieldmaiden, you are invited to join the women of the apothecary on the baths, and curiosity as to how similar these could be to roman public baths wins over your modesty, and you accept.

As you walk there, hearing Freydis hum a strange tune behind you, you catch Valdís, the dark-haired shieldmaiden stretching her stride to walk at your side as the group approaches the baths.

“So, witch.”

“So, shieldmaiden.” You reply, to which she offers a small smile as she meets your eyes.

“King Ivar said Sieghild Vorsdottir is the woman who raised you, who claims you as her daughter,” You nod slowly, not sure where she is going with this, “But she isn’t here, and you are to be a new bride soon.”

Your eyes narrow, and you steal a glance to Freydis as she moves closer to your side, very obviously wanting to hear this conversation.

“What are you on about?”

“You have no one to help you…shed the title of maiden,” Valdís explains, smirk devilish, “To prepare you to be a wife.”

“Not that any of us can prepare her to be the wife of Ivar the Boneless.” A woman quips from behind you, earning a chuckle from a few others in the group.

“My point is, we could use this time to teach you.”

“Teach me.” You repeat, and her smile only turns much more mischievous.

“Of course!” She turns to one of the elders, gesturing with a muscular arm, “Isn’t that tradition? Aren’t we to share our wisdom?”

The woman considers her in silence, though you could swear there’s a small smile betraying at her lips.

“I’m too old for this.” She mutters in response, but Valdís only laughs.

The baths are warm, warmer than any room you’ve been in, and though your hair hates the humidity, you sigh in pleasure at the almost-suffocating warmth.

You undress with ease, and it is only when you are readying to enter the bath turning your back to them that you realize what they may have seen.

The scars. Burn scars, not as bad as they could have been but still there, still present and marring.

They run over the outside of your right thigh, climbing over your hip into part of your back, almost up to your ribs. A gift from the Byzantines, so that you remember what happens to pagans.

“Are those burn scars, witch?” One of the women asks, and you turn around with gritted teeth.

Offering only a nod in response, but you cannot bring yourself to say anything more.

“Burnt alive for refusing to worship the Christian God, or so they say.” Valdís offers in your place, no hesitation in her voice, and no shame either, you notice, as she sheds her clothing as well and bares her strong yet scarred and marked body for everyone to see as she approaches the large stone tub as well.

It makes you feel much more at ease, even if it wasn’t her intention, seeing she has scars too, she has marks too. Not that the women that traveled with you are without their marks and badges of honor, but…the mark of war on a woman is something to be ashamed of, at least where you come from.

“No different than a scar from a sword or an axe,” She states confidently, bowing her head in recognition with a small smile on her face, “Glory to you, Greek.”

You offer her a small smile of your own, and get into the hot water.

“Thank you.” You offer sincerely, and go under the water to get your hair wet, silently pleading with them that the conversation finds an end. It does.

Conversation diffuses between the women soon enough, and the loud laugh of the shieldmaiden echoes in the walls, but you find yourself…comfortable, safe, even if the weight of what kind of failure this comfort, this ease you feel in this land means sets on your chest and almost keeps you from breathing if you think about it too much.

“So, about what we ought to teach you.” Valdís presses, drawing a groan from you.

“Would you leave the poor girl be?” Someone quips, but she dismisses them with a gesture.

“Witch,” Valdís -who you are noticing more and more has no qualms about keeping her mouth shut, reminding you strikingly of Sieghild- asks, moving closer to you in the large tub, “Do you know how to please a man?”

Oh, Gods.

“Yes.” You bite out, resisting the urge to close your eyes in mortification and hoping to everything there is on this earth, let it be Persephone or Freyja, that she doesn’t push this.

“But do you know how to please a Viking?”

“No matter what I say, you will talk anyways, won’t you?”

She only gives you a look that says you should know the answer already, before laughing. You groan, and lower your face further into the waters, igniting a laugh out of the other women.

_____

The routines of spending the days at the apothecary, exchanging secrets and tales with Freydis and loud laughs with Valdís, sharing short conversations with the other women, watching and learning and teaching; they quickly become a source of warmth and familiarity in this cold and strange land.

Even more now that Ivar is gone. You have no shame in admitting you have…grown used to him. Maybe that’s what hurts the most, what feels the most like failure; the fact that you have grown to enjoy his company, to hope for something more than resentment, to see him not quite as you did in Aneridge, but differently all the same. And the Gods made you too arrogant and proud to admit it to anyone but yourself, but you do miss him while he is gone. His curious eyes, his endless questions, his taunts and his infuriating stubbornness.

Prince Hvitserk has kept you company, and you offer murmured greetings each time you cross paths and maybe exchange a few words during dinner. It is more than you could ask for, and you think is all you should want. You have always had a soft heart, and not even Kattegat’s cold or its cruel King could harden it; and…a soft heart brings forth familiarity, care, affection. You have no use for neither, for you cannot forget the chains set upon you.

If you forget the chains, it will feel like a choice to remain here. And this is not a choice you can make.

You keep reminding yourself not to forget what brought you here, not to forget the chains set upon you, not to forget that you do not belong here; even as you occupy your day with a foolish and sentimental project.

You run into Hvitserk as you are carrying an armful of wooden planks -that you may or may not have exchanged a necklace for- to your rooms.

“What are you doing, woman?” He asks, and when he offers you, not demands, to take the heavy wood and carry it for you, you accept with a smile.

“I’m…making planters in my rooms,” The Prince still looks at you like you grew a second head, so you add, “I like plants. Herbs and flowers.” You offer as your sole answer, shrugging your shoulders.

When you reach the doors to your rooms, you hesitate, and the Prince offers you a smile.

“I can help you make them.”

“Is that…proper? For a man to be in a woman’s rooms?” You ask lowly, but the laugh you startle out of the young man takes away any secrecy you expected to get.

He pushes open the door with his shoulder and walks in, you trailing behind him.

“‘Proper’. You spent too much time with Christians, witch,” He chuckles, and drops the planks where you point him to. Crossing his legs underneath him as he sits on your floor, he motions for you to do the same. “If it’s my brother you are worried about, I’ll handle him.”

You thank him with a smile, tremulous as it is, and help him as you both work in amicable company, exchanging snippets of stories, quiet laughs and easy smiles.

“The King,” You start cautiously, and the Prince nods, giving you permission to talk, “Has he always been so…?”

“Usually worse,” He bites out when your words die, hitting particularly harder than needed at a nail as he does so. “You keep him preoccupied.”

“Should I be worried?” You say with a smile, scooting as you reach your favorite window and measuring for the perfect length of a planter to set there.

“He listens to you more than me, witch, I wouldn’t worry if I were you.”

“You don’t get along?” You ask even if you already know the answer, readying a few nails to start forming an angle for a planter.

“My brother and I…we are bound to kill each other, I think.” He says, and you lift your gaze in surprise as your hand already moves the hammer down.

The hammer falls down on your finger with all your strength.

“No! Why would you say that!?” You say, sticking the hurt digit into your mouth as you frown at the Prince.

He laughs in response to your clumsiness, but there’s a burden in his eyes. Hvitserk shrugs,

“I risked it all to stand by his side when Ubbe almost turned his back on him, Odin knows if there’s a reason why our brother is not with Lagertha wherever she has run off to now is because of me,” He mutters, and you stay silent, thinking to yourself it seems like it has been too long since someone sat to hear him speak, “Ivar wouldn’t have held on to Kattegat for this long if it wasn’t for me.”

“But you do not want to take Kattegat from him.” You offer quietly, not even a question. Hvitserk presses his lips into a line, seemingly overwhelmed.

“I never wanted to be King. Neither does Ubbe, the throne…Even if you don’t agree and he doesn’t believe I think so, I know Ivar is the best choice to be King of Kattegat,” The young man shakes his head, and he looks much more fragile than you ever thought he could look. You get closer and lay a hand on his arm, as comforting you can be without feeling like you are being ‘too touchy’ like Sieghild used to chastise you for. Hvitserk furrows his lips with no little anger, and continues, “Ivar is my brother and I will always stand with him, I just want the arrogant little fuck to acknowledge what I have done and continue to do for him.”

You have no idea what happened between the three brothers, you assume whatever it was caused the breach and struggle for dominance that permeates the air every time Ubbe and Ivar discuss battle or matters of the city; but you listen to Hvitserk with a compassionate smile on your lips and offer the best you can.

“If you want to talk, my Prince, I am always here.”

Surprisingly enough, he does.

He tells you of their allegiance with Bjorn Ironside and others to avenge the death of Ragnar Lothbrok. You needn’t be told of the Great Heathen Army and the fear and awe it inspired in its enemies and allies, for the words reached all the way to Carthage when the Vikings moved against Aelle. But Hvitserk tells you, and he tells you of the struggles of the men at the helm of the forces and how as the eldest son of Ragnar sailed South, their brother Sigurd married to warrant a degree of peace, and King Harald moved back to Norway with a new Queen; the three sons of Aslaug where left to be the leaders.

He tells you of Ivar pushing to take control from his brothers, of Ubbe being at the brink of breaking away from Ivar and turn against him if needed. He tells you of facing both of his brothers and reminding them of their blood shared, even if vows made, if ambitions clashing, if old pain and rancor, threatened to pull them apart.

He tells you of the marches for York, of many cities raided and pillaged. He tells you of the land granted for a settlement, of the funding of Dublin and the struggles for power that took place there. He tells you of the battles and blood that got Ivar to be King of Kattegat, and he confides that even if he appreciates and sees the change in his younger brother and how he is trying to appease him with by making both his and Ubbe’s voices heard when it comes to matters of war and the Kingdom; Ivar still treats him like nothing more than a dog, always mistrusting and always cold towards him.

“I’m sure he loves you.” You offer quietly, but the Prince does not look at you, instead toying with a piece of wood between his fingers.

“Ivar loves nothing.” He corrects quickly.

You shake your head, the hand on his arm squeezing to call for his attention. When he looks up at you he looks young and open, but his expression speaks of tiredness and resentment.

“You don’t believe that.” You promise quietly, to which he answers with a chuckle and a shake of his head.

Soon enough you both finish the planters, and you both bring the earth and branches needed to make the layers. Whispering prayers you carry in your heart alongside the secrets of the Thesmophoria, you water the earth and promise it care and seeds for growth.

The seeds will have to wait until you can get some, but the knowledge that fertile earth surrounds you fills you with a certain degree of peace. Even if this cold city kills you, you will force life and spring upon it. If you have to feed the flowers with your blood then so be it.

Hvitserk calls for your attention telling you he thinks he knows a little bit of Greek, and as you start getting horrified by his attempts at your language while he butchers it unwillingly, you both walk outside side by side.

Conversation starts on other topics soon after, and he tells you of the strange people he has met while handling Kattegat’s commerce influx and trade deals, which, paired with the way he recalls the stories with gestures and voices and expressions, makes your laugh louder than you have released it in so long.

Your giggles die down as you take a sip from your tea, and the Prince leans forward on the balcony railing, sighing.

“For all your strange ways, you seem…honest, witch.” He says, eyes on the horizon. You join him quietly, overlooking the cold city.

“If you were to ask the woman who raised me, she would say it is due to my arrogance that keeps me from being able to shut up,” You offer with a smile, “But thank you, my Prince.”

___

I know this chapter was kinda filler and kinda boring, I’m sorry. I promise the next one is hopefully more exciting. As I said last saturday, I’ll be uploading two chapters instead of one today. Chapter 17 will be up shortly after this one. :)

Thank you for reading <3

[boreothegoldfinch]

chapter 5 paragraph x

Of my classes, English was the only one I looked forward to, yet I was disturbed by how many of my classmates disliked Thoreau, railed against him even, as if he (who claimed never to have learned anything of value from an old person) was an enemy and not a friend. His scorn of commerce—invigorating to me —nettled a lot of the more vocal kids in Honors English. “Yeah, right,” shouted an obnoxious boy whose hair was gelled and combed stiff like a Dragon Ball Z character—“some kind of world it would be if everybody just dropped out and moped around in the woods—” “Me, me, me,” whined a voice in the back. “It’s antisocial,” a loudmouth girl interjected eagerly over the laughter that followed this—shifting in her seat, turning back to the teacher (a limp, long-boned woman named Mrs. Spear, who always wore brown sandals and earthtone colors, and looked as if she was suffering from major depression). “Thoreau is always just sitting around on his can telling us how good he has it —” “—Because,” said the Dragon Ball Z boy—his voice rising gleefully, “if everybody dropped out, like he’s saying to do? What kind of community would we have, if it was just people like him? We wouldn’t have hospitals and stuff. We wouldn’t have roads.” “Twat,” mumbled a welcome voice—just loud enough for everybody around to hear. I turned to see who had said this: the burnout-looking boy across the aisle, slouched and drumming his desk with his fingers. When he saw me looking at him, he raised a surprisingly lively eyebrow, as if to say: can you believe these fucking idiots? “Did someone have something to say back there?” said Mrs. Spear. “Like Thoreau gave a toss about roads,” said the burnout boy. His accent took me by surprise: foreign, I couldn’t place it. “Thoreau was the first environmentalist,” said Mrs. Spear. “He was also the first vegetarian,” said a girl in back. “Figures,” said someone else. “Mr. Crunchy-chewy.” “You’re all totally missing my point,” the Dragon Ball Z boy said excitedly. “Somebody has to build roads and not just sit in the woods looking at ants and mosquitoes all day. It’s called civilization.” My neighbor let out a sharp, contemptuous bark of a laugh. He was pale and thin, not very clean, with lank dark hair falling in his eyes and the unwholesome wanness of a runaway, callused hands and black-circled nails chewed to the nub—not like the shiny-haired, ski-tanned skate rats from my school on the Upper West Side, punks whose dads were CEOs and Park Avenue surgeons, but a kid who might conceivably be sitting on a sidewalk somewhere with a stray dog on a rope. “Well, to address some of these questions? I’d like for everybody to turn back to page fifteen,” Mrs. Spear said. “Where Thoreau is talking about his experiment in living.” “Experiment how?” said Dragon Ball Z. “Why is living in the woods like he does any different from a caveman?” The dark-haired boy scowled and sank deeper in his seat. He reminded me of the homeless-looking kids who stood around passing cigarettes back and forth on St. Mark’s Place, comparing scars, begging for change—same torn-up clothes and scrawny white arms; same black leather bracelets tangled at the wrists. Their multi-layered complexity was a sign I couldn’t read, though the general import was clear enough: different tribe, forget about it, I’m way too cool for you, don’t even try to talk to me. Such was my mistaken first impression of the only friend I made when I was in Vegas, and—as it turned out—one of the great friends of my life. His name was Boris. Somehow we found ourselves standing together in the crowd that was waiting for the bus after school that day.

“Hah. Harry Potter,” he said, as he looked me over. “Fuck you,” I said listlessly. It was not the first time, in Vegas, I’d heard the Harry Potter comment. My New York clothes—khakis, white oxford shirts, the tortoiseshell glasses which I unfortunately needed to see—made me look like a freak at a school where most people dressed in tank tops and flip flops. “Where’s your broomstick?” “Left it at Hogwarts,” I said. “What about you? Where's your board?” “Eh?” he said, leaning in to me and cupping his hand behind his ear with an old-mannish, deaf-looking gesture. He was half a head taller than me; along with jungle boots and bizarre old fatigues with the knees busted out, he was wearing a ratted-up black T-shirt with a snowboarding logo, Never Summer in white gothic letters. “Your shirt,” I said, with a curt nod. “Not much boarding in the desert.” “Nyah,” said Boris, pushing the stringy dark hair out of his eyes. “I don’t know how to snowboard. I just hate the sun.” We ended up together on the bus, in the seat closest to the door—clearly an unpopular place to sit, judging from the urgent way other kids muscled and pushed to the rear, but I hadn’t grown up riding a school bus and apparently neither had he, as he too seemed to think it only natural to fling himself down in the first empty seat up front. For a while we didn’t say much, but it was a long ride and eventually we got talking. It turned out that he lived in Canyon Shadows too—but farther out, the end that was getting reclaimed by the desert, where a lot of the houses weren’t finished and sand stood in the streets. “How long have you been here?” I asked him. It was the question all the kids asked each other at my new school, like we were doing jail time. “Dunno. Two months maybe?” Though he spoke English fluently enough, with a strong Australian accent, there was also a dark, slurry undercurrent of something else: a whiff of Count Dracula, or maybe it was KGB agent. “Where are you from?” “New York,” I said—and was gratified at his silent double-take, his lowered eyebrows that said: very cool. “What about you?” He pulled a face. “Well, let’s see,” he said, slumping back in his seat and counting off the countries on his fingers. “I’ve lived in Russia, Scotland which was maybe cool but I don’t remember it, Australia, Poland, New Zealand, Texas for two months, Alaska, New Guinea, Canada, Saudi Arabia, Sweden, Ukraine—” “Jesus Christ.” He shrugged. “Mostly Australia, Russia, and Ukraine, though. Those three places.” “Do you speak Russian?” He made a gesture that I took to mean more or less. “Ukrainian too, and Polish. Though I’ve forgotten a lot. The other day, I tried to remember what was the word for ‘dragonfly’ and couldn’t.” “Say something.” He obliged, something spitty and guttural. “What does that mean?” He chortled. “It means ‘Fuck you up the ass.’ ” “Yeah? In Russian?” He laughed, exposing grayish and very un-American teeth. “Ukrainian.” “I thought they spoke Russian in the Ukraine.” “Well, yes. Depends what part of Ukraine. They’re not so different languages, the two. Well—” click of the tongue, eye roll—“not so very much. Numbers are different, days of the week, some vocabulary. My name is spelled different in Ukrainian but in North America it’s easier to use Russian spelling and be Boris, not B-o-r-y-s. In the West everybody knows Boris Yeltsin…” he ticked his head to one side—“Boris Becker—” “Boris Badenov—” “Eh?” he said sharply, turning as if I’d insulted him. “Bullwinkle? Boris and Natasha?” “Oh, yes. Prince Boris! War and Peace. I’m named like him. Although the surname of Prince Boris is Drubetskóy, not what you said.”

“So what’s your first language? Ukrainian?” He shrugged. “Polish maybe,” he said, falling back in his seat, slinging his dark hair to one side with a flip of his head. His eyes were hard and humorous, very black. “My mother was Polish, from Rzeszów near the Ukrainian border. Russian, Ukrainian—Ukraine as you know was satellite of USSR, so I speak both. Maybe not Russian quite so much—it’s best for swearing and cursing. With Slavic languages—Russian, Ukrainian, Polish, even Czech—if you know one, you sort of get drift in all. But for me, English is easiest now. Used to be the other way around.” “What do you think about America?” “Everyone always smiles so big! Well—most people. Maybe not so much you. I think it looks stupid.” He was, like me, an only child. His father (born in Siberia, a Ukrainian national from Novoagansk) was in mining and exploration. “Big important job—he travels the world.” Boris’s mother—his father’s second wife—was dead. “Mine too,” I said. He shrugged. “She’s been dead for donkey’s years,” he said. “She was an alkie. She was drunk one night and she fell out a window and died.” “Wow,” I said, a bit stunned by how lightly he’d tossed this off. “Yah, it sucks,” he said carelessly, looking out the window. “So what nationality are you?” I said, after a brief silence. “Eh—?” “Well, if your mother’s Polish, and your dad’s Ukrainian, and you were born in Australia, that would make you—” “Indonesian,” he said, with a sinister smile. He had dark, devilish, very expressive eyebrows that moved around a lot when he spoke. “How’s that?” “Well, my passport says Ukraine. And I have part citizenship in Poland too. But Indonesia is the place I want to get back to,” said Boris, tossing the hair out of his eyes. “Well—PNG.” “What?” “Papua, New Guinea. It’s my favorite place I’ve lived.” “New Guinea? I thought they had headhunters. “Not any more. Or not so many. This bracelet is from there,” he said, pointing to one of the many black leather strands on his wrist. “My friend Bami made it for me. He was our cook.” “What’s it like?” “Not so bad,” he said, glancing at me sideways in his brooding, self-amused way. “I had a parrot. And a pet goose. And, was learning to surf. But then, six months ago, my dad hauled me with him to this shaddy town in Alaska. Seward Peninsula, just below Arctic Circle? And then, middle of May —we flew to Fairbanks on a prop plane, and then we came here.” “Wow,” I said. “Dead boring up there,” said Boris. “Heaps of dead fish, and bad Internet connection. I should have run away—I wish I had,” he said bitterly. “And done what?” “Stayed in New Guinea. Lived on the beach. Thank God anyway we weren’t there all winter. Few years ago, we were up north in Canada, in Alberta, this one-street town off the Pouce Coupe River? Dark the whole time, October to March, and fuck-all to do except read and listen to CBC radio. Had to drive fifty klicks to do our washing. Still—” he laughed —“loads better than Ukraine. Miami Beach, compared.” “What does your dad do again?” “Drink, mainly,” said Boris sourly. “He should meet my dad, then.” Again the sudden, explosive laugh—almost like he was spitting over you. “Yes. Brilliant. And whores?” “Wouldn’t be surprised,” I said, after a small, startled pause. Though not too much my dad did shocked me, I had never quite envisioned him hanging out in the Live Girls and Gentlemen’s Club joints we sometimes passed on the highway. The bus was emptying out; we were only a few streets from my house. “Hey, this is my stop up here,” I said. “Want to come home with me and watch television?” said Boris. “Well—” “Oh, come on. No one’s there. And I’ve got S.O.S. Iceberg on DVD.”

[markwhitwell]

Mark Whitwell on How to Survive a Pandemic | A Soft Message for a Hard Time

Mark Whitwell shares his thoughts on dealing with such tough times.

For many friends around the world, ongoing lockdowns are causing chronic stress. In the U.K., psychologists are now reporting what they call ‘Lockdown Burnout,’ with more and more people suffering from overload and uncertainty. In the context of real suffering, it is heartening to see teachers reaching out to communicate the healing power of Yoga in their communities.

I was talking recently with a friend in the U.K. and she described how teaching Yoga was no longer a hobby or a job for her, but a matter of survival for her students. “Everybody is under so much pressure,” she said. “People are desperate for the connection, nourishment and the fortitude that Yoga gives. We meet on Zoom twice a week, practice together and then share in each other’s company. I have no choice but to be there for my students.”

Our conversation got me thinking about care and the function of the Yoga Teacher within the broader ecology of nurturing that holds society together. In the Vedic lineage of my teachers, Tirumalai Krishnamacharya (1888–1989) and his son TKV Desikachar (1938–2016), the Yoga teacher was considered essential to the health and wellbeing of the community.

Principally, the yoga acharya was there to help any person (no matter who they are) to merge with their body and their breath. Out of this daily merge, facilitated through a tailored asana and pranayama practice, come many gifts that are physically, emotionally and spiritually healing. Practice of intimate connection to body and breath is the Yogic means to enjoying intimacy with world beyond ourselves: our experience, our relationships and Life as a whole. There is no substitute for the regenerative power of breath.

“My father taught us more ways to approach a person in yoga than I have found anywhere else,” Desikachar writes. “Who should teach whom? When? And what? These are the important questions to be asked in beginning a practice. But underlying all these is the most important question of all: How can the power of the breath be utilized? That is something quite exceptional; nowhere else is the breath given so much importance, and our work has proven that the breath is a wonder drug, if I may use this term.”

At the level of physical health, the practice of deep, whole-body breathing coupled with body movement, cleanses and strengthens the respiratory system. It also improves all other vital functions of the body: the immune system, the health of the mind and digestion. On every exhalation, the lungs are emptied completely. On every inhalation we receive the refreshment of the breath into an expanded lung cavity. We empty what is full and fill what is empty. Or, we release what is old to receive what is new. There seems to be no part of the system that the breath does not influence.

The great gift of Yoga however it not just health for its own sake, but how it positively affects our relationships. In particular, the breath powerfully supports our ability to respond to difficulty and stress in our relationships in a caring way. Our daily delight of merging with our body and breath masterfully facilitates our ability to be intimate with our loved ones: to really listen, support and receive them no matter what is going down.

Deep in the traditions, it is understood that it is not what we experience but how we react to it that determines its effects. If we react to our experience and contract, then blockages or rubbish forms in the nadis and the muladara chakra. The prana can no longer flow unhindered through the system as it wants to. If, on the other hand, we merge with our experience, even it is disturbing or difficult, then prana continues to flow.

We all have difficulties in life and we all react from time to time. There is no idealism here, especially during a pandemic. When we notice reaction we can apply intelligent means to release the blockages that may have formed. In fact, “Yoga is 99% waste removal” Desikachar once said, and by removing everything that is not necessary, the natural energy of life, pranashakti, soon flows again. Ultimately, the goal of Yoga is to not react in the first place.

If you are put off by Sanskrit terms, the simple language of biology is suffice to communicate what our ancestors were talking about. The psychologist Maurice Hamington, for example, describes how our natural physiology is “built for care” — the soft feeling frontal line from crown, face, chest, belly and genitals, to our wonderful sense organs and our ability to focus our attention — are there to support us to receive. On the other hand, the strong base of the body — legs, pelvis, back and spine — support our capacity to give and take action in our relationships.

Yoga is nothing more or less than our participation in the relational intelligence of the whole body. We move and breathe in the polarity of strength (linked to the exhale and described in the traditions as the masculine principle of life) and receptivity (linked to the inhale and the feminine principle). All bodies, no matter what gender or sex, contain the union of strength and receptivity. To live out that union is enough to base life upon.

The beautiful insight of Hamington is that caring for one another implies the whole body. This becomes obvious when we think of what happens physically when we close ourselves off from other people and from life: our shoulders hunch, our chest muscles harden, there is tension in the face; we generally fold in as a body. Conversely, when we feel free and easy in our relationships our bodies reflect this with a physical openness and softness: our spine straightens, our chest opens and softens, our gaze relaxes, we are both more upright (strong) and softer (receptive) as we give and receive in the natural polarity of life.

Although many try, this is why we cannot force ourselves to be more caring or sensitive to another with mental ideals alone. More often than not, cultural ideals of love and kindness without the practical means to let these innate qualities flourish in the body-mind causes stress and disappointment. There is a gap between how we are and how we want to be. What we can do is our Yoga practice. In the traditions, it is known as sadhana: that which you can do. My teacher would say, just do your asana and just see what happens.

We are not getting out of life or away from others here. “Yoga is relationship,” Krishnamacharya would say, a statement that holds weight given his profound understanding of the religious cultures of India. It was the profound view of my teachers that relationship itself was the principle healing for the human life and the heart of a spiritual life. When I was speaking with my friend about her classes, she confirmed Krishnamacharya’s view and expressed how simply being with each other, within the bhavana (mood) of friendship and respect, generated its own nurturing influence.

“People often arrived with a feeling of heaviness or depression,” she told me. “But as we sit together and as they feel seen, listened to and loved, then something happens: a lightness enters where perhaps previously there was darkness or restriction.”

In my early life, I was able to observe Desikachar embodying this principle during private lessons. He would do many things: take the pulse of his student, enquire about the family, check on the diet, teach various asana, all manner of intelligent means. Yet, what made these tools truly relevant and alive for the student, was the context of friendship and care that they were communicated within. Students reported that it was the relationship itself that they drew the most sustenance and motivation from.

“This personal connection cannot be replaced by books or videos,” Desikachar said. “There must be a relationship, a real relationship, one that is based on trust (sraddha).”

I want to thank everybody out there who is teaching their hearts out on Zoom and in-person around the world, making sure that the mother’s milk of Yoga gets to all people no matter their race, religion or financial means. We pick up where Desikachar and his father left off and continue their mission of giving the whole world a Yoga education.

It is everybody’s birthright to breathe well and to be intimate with their Life. Sahana Vavatu. May we get the job done together.

If you feel curious or moved to learn more about home practice you can join me and my friends at the heart of yoga online studio for live classes and conversations from the heart.

Why is intimacy and relationship so neglected in the spiritual traditions of the world? Last year we put out God and Sex: Now We Get Both (2019) to examine this question.

Originally published here.

About:

Mark Whitwell is interested in developing an authentic yoga practice for the individual, based on the teachings of T. Krishnamacharya (1888-1989). He is the author of four books including ‘Yoga of Heart’ and ‘The Promise’ and was the editor and contributor to TKV Desikachar’s classic yoga text ‘The Heart of Yoga.’ Mark Whitwell continues to facilitate teacher trainings and workshops in the heart of yoga all over the globe.

[thewritewolf]

Inseparable Chapter 27: Comfort

We getting close to the end now, as we see the aftermath of the last battle against Hawkmoth.

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31

@ladynoirjuly2019

Enjoy!

Read on Ao3

Sensation came back slowly. As she stirred into consciousness, she could feel the warmth of sunlight on her face, the light hiding beyond her closed eyes. Her brow furrowed in confusion. She wasn’t entirely sure why, but sunlight felt out of place. Memories flowed slowly, as if moving through water. Her eyes opened and Marinette found herself staring up at her skylight. She grimaced against the sudden light and squinted.

An attempt to raise her arm to shield her arms ended with her sucking in a breath when lances of pain shot through her. She gritted her teeth and tried to sit up. It took a few moments of focus to get her limbs to obey, but she finally managed it… only to regret it as another shockwave of pain wracked her body.

Suddenly, there was a sound of someone moving down below, bare footsteps climbing her ladder. A mop of blonde hair crested the side and her eyes met wide green ones. Upon seeing her, the worry in his eyes was replaced with relief. He crawled over the bed, carefully avoiding touching her as he got close.

With the lightest, most tender touch, he put a hand on her cheek. “Are you alright? How are you feeling? What’s hurting? Is there anything I can do for you? Can-”

She put her hand over his mouth. “One thing at a time, please.” She grimaced at the pain of the action.

“Hang on.” He pulled pillows together behind her, and gently lowered her to them. She sighed in relief. The pain was manageable and she was still sitting up. “Okay… how do you feel?”

“I…” She considered lying and saying she was fine, but one look at his earnest expression made her feel too guilty to do so. “Pretty much everything hurts. My head feels fuzzy. I’m having trouble remembering how I got here.”

A faint smile played at his lips. “Well, the last one makes sense at least. I brought you here after the fight.”

“Fight…?” Shock poured down her spine as memories started flooding back to her. Finding Chat Noir in tears. Hawkmoth’s identity. The fight beneath the mansion. “Oh God. Hawkmoth! Did he-”

His took her hand in his and whispered, “We beat him, m’lady. You were amazing.”

She bit her lower lip. There were so many questions that she wanted to ask, but she wasn’t sure where to start. While he seemed happy to see her awake-

“Wait, how long was I out for?”

“Just over two days,” came a voice at her shoulder. Tikki smiled softly as she turned to look at her. “Adrien hasn’t left your side for more than a few minutes at a time. He’s been keeping a close eye on you.”

Her jaw dropped. Two days…? No wonder everything felt so stiff. “Is that why everything hurts so much?”

She watched Adrien and Tikki exchange a look. Adrien cleared his throat. “You channeled a lot of energy, bugaboo. You’ll feel better. Eventually. Master Fu said so himself.”

“You talked with him already?”

“Yeah, I- Well, let’s start at the beginning, okay?” At her nod, Adrien took a deep breath. “So, after you used your cure to… well, destroy the corruption that my- that Hawkmoth was using, you collapsed and your transformation dropped.”

Her heart skipped a beat and her eyes widened. “Did he-”

Adrien shook his head. “Same thing happened to Hawkmoth. He was out cold too. Anyway, when your transformation dropped, I wasn’t tied up any more-”

“Sorry,” she said with a wince. She remembered looking up at his eyes as they parted, seeing the fear and panic there. If she could stop him from ever looking like that again, she would.

Running a hand through his hair, he replied, “Don’t worry about it. I know you were just trying to save me. And you finally woke up, so I’m feeling in a forgiving mood.” There was a flicker of a smile before he continued with his story. “Anyway… I went over to you and- you were… so still. So cold.” He choked up and she wrapped her hand around his and gave it a squeeze. Once he regained his composure, he continued. “I picked you up and was about to leave before Tikki reminded me to grab the butterfly miraculous and take you to Fu’s. Then she passed out.”

Her thumb began tracing circles on the back of his hand as he took a few breaths. While she waited for him to collect himself, she let her eyes wander over him. When she thought of his hair as a mop earlier, she wasn’t far off. It was definitely more like the messy Chat hair than the perfectly styled hairdo she was used to seeing in his civilian form. There were unmodel-like bags under his eyes, his entire body seemed to sag and bend under some great weight. And yet… here he was. Asking about her. Filling her in. Keeping her company. Her heart swelled with affection for him just as he continued.

“Master Fu got to work right away. I don’t know exactly what he did, but he said something about burnout and life force. I was… kind of panicking, so I don’t remember much. After a couple hours he said I could take you home. I left the miraculous with him and did just that.” His eyes glanced toward the clock. “It’s getting close to time for him to show up, actually. I’m sure he’ll be glad to see the treatment is holding. We can ask him more when he gets here.”

She tried to sit up straight and regretted it immediately. “WHAT?! He’s coming here?! What about my parents, how are we going to explain-” At that moment, the door to her room opened and she heard her parents enter.

“Adrien? Are you talking with-” With how tall her papa was, he saw her first. “Marinette! You’re finally awake!” His eyes were already misting over as he covered his mouth with his hands.

“H-hey, papa, mom!” Out of the corner of her mouth, she whispered, “Tikki, hide!”

To her surprise, Adrien shook his head. “Don’t worry, they know. Fu said it was fine and even if he didn’t… They deserved to know after all that.”

Then she was facing a barrage of questions and coddling from her parents. More blankets were fetched for her, pillows were fluffed, soup was made. All the while, she kept glancing at Adrien out of the corner of her eyes. He stayed sitting at her side, a faint smile at his lips, but pain in his eyes. Once her parents were satisfied that she was feeling better, they stepped out and Marinette tapped at Adrien’s forehead.

“What’s going on up here, kitty? You’ve been awfully quiet about how you’re feeling.” He looked away, but Marinette tugged him closer. She glanced at Tikki. “So it was two days I missed, right?” Tikki gave her a quizzical look but nodded. She looked back to Adrien and suddenly pulled him towards her, giving him three pecks on the cheek, murmuring ‘I love you’ after each one. She let him go and she was pleased to see a blush spread across his face and reached his ears. “I think that catches us up. Are you ready to talk now?”

“Y-yeah.” Deep breath. “After I explained everything to your parents, I went to get my- to get Gabriel. He hadn’t moved since I left, hours earlier. I brought him to Fu too, but… he’s not sure. He got it a lot worse than you did and there has been no change since he was admitted to the hospital. Fu still needs to check on-” He choked on the words, but she understood who he meant. Who they saw down below.

She held his hand while he stared off into the distance. “They got the Gorilla and held him for a few days, but couldn’t find anything to pin on him. Squeaky clean, let him out of jail this morning. Nathalie… she’s missing. People think she might have fled the country, but there’s no sign of her.”

“...What about you?”

An amused smile warmed his features. “Chat Noir vouched for his innocence, claimed that it was Adrien who let him and Ladybug know.”

She pushed an errant lock of hair out of his face. “That was sweet of him. I always said Chat was a stand up kind of guy.”

He laughed honestly and it was music to her ears. “I’ll pass along the message.”

After waiting for a few minutes, it became clear that he wasn’t going to continue. “What else?”

Shrugging, he replied, “Nothing, really. Bad guys got justice, good guys won. What else is there to say?”

“You! How do you feel, you stupid boy?!” He looked startled by the concern dripping from her voice.

“I…” His lips pressed into thin lines. “I think I’m past sadness at this point. The shock has worn off. It wasn’t much of a family but… me, Gabriel, Nathalie, the Gorilla… it was kind of all I had for a long time, you know? And now it’s gone.”

“For what it’s worth, I’m still here - and my parents, and our kwamis, not to mention our friends. We might not be your family by blood, but we love you, Adrien.” Her hand stroked his cheek. “I love you.”

“I know.” He placed a kiss against her palm. His eyes were watery as he looked at her. “I love you too.”

There was a knock at her trapdoor, startling both of them. “Marinette? Adrien? May I enter?”

“Come in!”

There was a pause. “Ah, good. You have awoken. Your resilience continues to impress, young one.” Master Fu’s head crested the edge of her bed. “I am sure you have questions. Feel free to ask.”

“What… happened, exactly?”

“To put it succinctly? Your usage of the most powerful tool at your disposal, combined with the energies of the black cat, flooded your body.” He spoke matter-of-factly, stroking his beard. “That power was too much for you and for a moment, it extinguished your life force.”

“That- What? That sounds fatal.” Marinette felt Adrien gripping her hand almost painfully as he struggled to keep a brave face on. She chose not to comment for his sake - she needed the comfort about as much as he did.

“Normally, it would be. But Chat Noir’s life force acted as a sort of pilot light, keeping you in the realm of the living.” His eyes glanced between them. “Do you understand now? The power is too much for one person to survive, and a strong bond allows the burden to be shared.”

Stunned, they both nodded.

“Good. I have brought some tonic for you, Marinette. Your recovery will be slow, but between this tonic and the vitality the miraculous affords you, it will be assured.”

He seemed about to continue when there was a loud yawn from below. Plagg floated up to where they were seated. “Oh hey, Pigtails. What’d I miss?”

[katerbees]

Say You Won’t Let Go

Song from Rowan’s perspective about meeting Aelin. Falling in love with her, and their life post-TOG Intertwined with Lyrics to Say You Won’t Let Go. Hope y’all love it!!

–Say You Won’t Let Go–  

Songwriter credit: Neil Richard Ormandy / James Arthur / Steve Solomon

I met you in the dark, you lit me up You made me feel as though I was enough

Rowan had been a broken male when he met Aelin. His wife and unborn child had been murdered, and in that vacuum of despair, he had sworn the rest of his life away in the service of Maeve. He had given up on everything and resigned himself to be used as a tool for destruction. What was the point in hoping for anything better? But then, he had met Aelin. She had been as lost and broken as he had. Rowan was assigned to train her by Maeve. Maeve had known that he and Aelin were mates. No doubt she had received sick pleasure in dangling them in front of each other.

Slowly, over time, they came to trust each other. Trust turned to friendship, friendship turned to love.

  We danced the night away, we drank too much I held your hair back when You were throwing up

Then you smiled over your shoulder For a minute, I was stone-cold sober

 The night of Aelin’s first burnout during Beltane, Rowan had been observing Aelin’s power to hold the flames steady. There was dancing, drinking, revelry, going on all around them. Rowan had found himself so attracted to Aelin that night that he barely noticed any of it. Until the strong woman he had been admiring and coaching became bewitched by the flames and the music. Her body and her power were no longer her own. He had lost her.

Instructed by the healers, he continuously cooled her off, over and over again. He placed freezing cold rags on her head to try and bring her back from the Hell that she had created inside her own body. He gently asked her questions each time he dispensed new rags and then had gone to fetch a tonic.

When Rowan returned he saw her back. More specifically, he had seen the scars on her back where her flesh had been torn from her young body. The shock and anger at seeing those healed wounds hit him like a physical blow. He had gaped. Rowan, who had killed hundreds of men, seen vicious wounds on the battlefield, found himself speechless.  

I pulled you closer to my chest And you asked me to stay over I said, I already told ya I think that you should get some rest

 Rowan had flown for hours after that. He was so angry at the nameless, faceless guards of Endovier. And at Maeve. And more than the rest, angry at himself for not being more approachable so she could have felt safe telling him. He had to do something. That woman deserved better in this world. And he could treat her better.  

He returned to Mistward, scooped her up, and took her into his own room. Into his own bed. No ulterior motives. He wanted her to feel safe. He wanted her to know that he cared about the terrible things that had been done to her and that she had almost died earlier that night. He needed her to know that she mattered to him.

She stretched out her hand towards his; he was at the edge of the bed, showing that he was a gentlemale. She told him her entire story, finally stopping as she was nodding off. He held her hand the whole night.

I knew I loved you then But you’d never know ‘Cause I played it cool when I was scared of letting go

Aelin had bargained for Rowan’s freedom. He could never have even hoped for a gift such as the one she had given him. He had never hoped for freedom. He had never hoped to love again. Yet here he was. He had fallen in love with Aelin.  He swore a blood oath to her immediately for her protection. And because a primal part of him wanted to always be needed by her. Even if she didn’t feel the same as him; even if he could never be the kind of male a queen deserved, he could still be useful to her in other ways.

And just like that, she was on a boat back to Adarlan. And she was not letting him go along. And it hurt so very badly. But he respected her and her wishes. He would repair Mistward and await word from her.

I know I needed you But I never showed But I wanna stay with you until we’re grey and old Just say you won’t let go Just say you won’t let go

 They were married in a small ceremony on a boat later that year in the middle of the War. Only Aedion and Lysandra and the ship’s captain had been present. Two days later Maeve had kidnapped Aelin, thrown her in an iron coffin, with chains and a mask to contain her power. Rowan had found her, his old cadre had risen up against Maeve. Aelin had died to fulfill the prophecy of the gods. Rowan gave up his immortality in exchange for Aelin to come back. It had been an easy choice. What would life be like without his Fireheart? It would be hell.  

I’ll wake you up with some breakfast in bed I’ll bring you coffee with a kiss on your head And I’ll take the kids to school Wave them goodbye

  Rowan and Aelin did not know if they would ever be blessed with children. They knew that due to both of them having fae heritage, the odds would not be in their favor. Additionally, the terms of Rowan’s bargain were nebulous, as deals with gods always are; while he and Aelin were no longer immortal, they also had no way of knowing if they would have short, normal, or longer lifespans.

After five years of making love whenever they felt like it, they were delighted to find out that Aelin was with child.  Rowan was excited yet so scared. When Aelin birthed their daughter, Nehemia, Rowan cried tears of joy. Aelin was exhausted but had never been so happy. She felt proud that after so many years of taking lives and destroying, she had created something so innocent and precious.

Rowan scooped up the tiny, chubby cheeked babe, brought it up to his chest, and breathed in her scent. He and Aelin had created this perfect new life. Gods his life had changed so much in the past 7 years.

7 years later Nehemia was a wonderful older sister to 3 year old Gavin. Rowan couldn’t believe how lucky he was. How he had now been blessed three times over by his wife and their children. He often thanked Mara for her protection and blessings, even though the gods had left when Erawan had been banished.  He never thought he would have the opportunity to wake up to his children laughing. To his wife’s beautiful body draped over him in the morning.

And I’ll thank my lucky stars for that night

When you looked over your shoulder For a minute, I forget that I’m older I wanna dance with you right now

 Rowan and Aelin were at a ball celebrating the birth of a new princess in Eyllwe.  He approached Aelin from behind, her scent filling his nostrils. He nuzzled the crown of her head, “I love you, Fireheart” Aelin reached back to bring Rowan’s arms around her torso.

“I love you buzzard” she arched her neck to the side and lifted her head to receive a kiss. Rowan obliged.

“May I have the next dance?” Rowan asked, pulling her close and kissing her delicate neck skin. “And the dance after that.” Another kiss. “And  after that, and I think you get the idea.” He twirled her around to face him.

Aelin tried to keep a straight face, tried to not let everyone see how much her mate had gotten her all worked up. At this rate they would need to excuse themselves to ‘freshen up.’ She pursed her lips together, and clicked her tongue. “Well, as you may know, as Queen, I don’t like to play favorites, but I’ll make an exception for you,” she winked at him, kissed him, and lead him out to the dance floor.

Oh, and you look as beautiful as ever And I swear that everyday you’ll get better You make me feel this way somehow

I’m so in love with you And I hope you know Darling your love is more than worth its weight in gold

Nehemia and Gavin were adults now. Nehemia had found love with a Prince from Briarcliff, while Gavin was studying healing and learning to control his water magic in Banjali.  Rowan and Aelin were beginning to age. Aelin would pause by the mirror on occasion, in disbelief that she now had 4 grey hairs and some fine lines. Rowan thought she had never looked more beautiful. She now possessed the kind of beauty that comes with age, with living . Fine lines forged in loving and crying and laughter. Lines created by days in the sun with their children and friends. Grey hairs from the privilege of growing older.  His mate didn’t always agree. “You’re biased! You’ve always had white hair so of course you don’t mind it!” Aelin shouted from the bathroom one night before bed. Rowan just chuckled. And when she came to bed that night, he worshipped her like he did when they were first together. He worshipped her from her toes all the way up to her grey hairs. We’ve come so far my dear Look how we’ve grown And I wanna stay with you until we’re grey and old Just say you won’t let go Just say you won’t let go

 There was no denying it. The King and Queen of Terrasen were approaching the end of their lives. Gavin would be a fair and just ruler. Nehemia was a consort in her own court and as such, the right to rule had passed on to her brother.  

Rowan had slowly begun to shrink the past few years. The frailty of aged bones and a lifetime of being a warrior catching up with him.  He and Aelin would walk in the Orynth courtyard on days when they felt up to it. Gavin had secretly been installing more benches as his parents needed to rest more and more often.

One Spring morning, they sat down on one of these new benches to take a rest.

Rowan turned to Aelin, a clarity in his eyes that was no longer always present. “Aelin. Have I ever thanked you for saving my life?”

Aelin took her husband’s hands into her papery hands. She sat there for a moment trying to guess what he meant, trying to feel it with her soul, as they so often were able to communicate. She gleaned nothing. “You gave up your immortality for me and to save me from death.” She responded, her long grey hair blowing in the breeze.

Rowan’s voice was quiet, “I wasn’t living until I met you Aelin. I was existing. I was skin. I was bones. But I was not alive. Thank you for giving me two wonderful children and for giving me a lifetime of love.” He squeezed her hand, and moved in to kiss her on her cheek.

Tears slid down Aelin’s timeworn face. “Oh Rowan. You saved my life long before you saved me from Limbo. You saved me from that pit of self-pitying hell I was in back at Mistward. I say, we’re even.” Alin smiled, lifting up their joined hands and kissing Rowan’s.

“To whatever end?” Rowan asked.

“To whatever end” Aelin replied. More tears were building up in her eyes and she did not need to ask what he meant.

I wanna live with you Even when we’re ghosts ‘Cause you were always there for me when I needed you most

I’m gonna love you till My lungs give out Aelin was alive. And yet she was not.

The King of Terrasen, Rowan Whitethorn Galathynius, had passed away in his sleep the night before. The household woke to Aelin howling like an animal.

“Rowan!!!! Ro—–wan!!!!” wailed over and over again. Aelin was in the bed with him, lying next to him, shaking his body gently.  Even though she knew in her heart and soul he was going to die soon, even though she knew that he had been preparing for it, she still did not believe it. Her mate was dead. Her heart was breaking. It was broken. Her chest physically ached. She did not want to live without him again. She could not breathe, she did not want to breathe, she could not do th……..

I promise till death we part like in our vows So I wrote this song for you, now everybody knows 'Cause now it’s just you and me till we’re grey and old

Just say you won’t let go Just say you won’t let go

Just say you won’t let go Oh, just say you won’t let go

 And just like that, Aelin faded into the Afterworld. There was no pain. There was only warmth. And the smell of pine and snow.

[the-mamas-project]

The MAMAS Project - Steph

A mother’s intuition. Truthfully, it’s something I hadn’t thought about in a while, and definitely something I didn’t access wholly until I had my second child. My first’s entry into life was paralleled with a deep identity crisis and newness, and I think I masked any intuition I had (mostly) with a false confidence, rather than a true confidence in my ability.

When I went to meet up with our May participant, one of the first things she said to me was that she had made two firm promises to herself pre-baby: trust her gut, and not to have mom guilt. And I can’t help but think, that the two really go hand in hand. Because, if you can trust your gut wholly, or at least mostly, perhaps then you can trust the moments you take for yourself, are needed and not guilty pleasures.

Moments of wisdom, and aha’s are not rare when you’re in conversation with Stephanie Jhala. In fact, I found myself repeatedly saying, I totally agree, or oh my god yes, when I met with the new mom in Richmond BC. She is not just reflective, but also tirelessly positive, a refreshing perspective when so much of mom’ing can be complaints…husband, sleep, personal space. The mom troubles can go on if you let them. And Steph doesn’t deny that those exist, she just simply tries to let them go and choose a different perspective. In fact, she has experienced some of the greatest woes that a mother can have, even in the short time she has been one.

Steph comes from this beautifully diverse family. Her mother is Indonesian, her father is East Indian and they met in North America. As a child, Steph travelled the world with her adventurous mother and sisters, while her father stayed back in Canada, holding down the fort. Not your typical dynamic, but one that has created a family of strong and worldly women.

“I always thought as a kid, my mom is so brave, I guess I’ll be brave too when I grow up. She was never shy or afraid to explore new places she knew nothing about; her friendly demeanor always opened doors no matter where we were. We would travel to mostly developing countries, and not necessarily the safest ones, so we could experience what it was like to be in other parts of the world. I’m a good mix of my dad and my mom: I’m responsible like my dad, with a big appetite for adventure like my mom. And over the past recent years I’ve trained myself to have an expanded tolerance for risk. I wasn’t always like that, I used to be a perfectionist that always played it safe. But the pressure of perfection caused too much stress; it was detrimental for my health. So I worked hard on cultivating the qualities I felt would serve me best. In my late 20’s I did a lot of personal growth stuff; much of which paralleled the philosophies my Hindu-Buddhist parents and grandparents instilled in me, but had not been ready to listen to until now. I truly questioned how I wanted to be in the world.”

A year and a half before becoming a mother, Steph took a good look at redefining success. Success no longer looked like logging long days in the office or climbing up the corporate ladder. In anticipation of starting a family, success looked like taking care of her body so that it was in the best shape to grow a baby, living a truly balanced life of adventure, downtime and aligning work with passion.  So she made the shift from the corporate world to building a flexible life as a consultant, helping businesses with a social or environmental mission.

“There is this view in North America that working longer and harder, means you’re more accomplished, but in many parts of the world like the Nordics, they recognize that burnout is detrimental and balance brings greater productivity and happiness.  With wanting career and family, I decided to get creative to design a life I really wanted to live.”

Steph was well into this journey of self-discovery when she and her husband decided to start trying. They got pregnant right away. Steph began researching and meditating on the type of mother she wanted to be.

“Before I had Aria, I made a rule to not have mom guilt. I was reading a lot of forums and I was like, WOW mom guilt is real! I thought, it doesn’t serve me and it doesn’t serve my baby. Despite not knowing all the answers, I’m always going to try my best and figure it out. If I don’t treat myself well, then how can I expect my daughter to learn self-worth? It’s been a really interesting experience discovering my own intuition.  I think I was an intuitive child, as many of us are, but then I lost that inner trust as I grew up.  I became very intellectual as a teenager, very fact-based, I wanted scientific evidence for everything. Motherhood is a real opportunity: I could read all the books in the world (and they are very useful), but when it comes down to it, I’m just going to trust my gut. Moms have done this for millions of years, and babies have survived, and animals don’t have classes, they just innately know what to do.”

Her intuition kicked in during her pregnancy, when everyone around her guessed she was having a boy, yet she felt deep within her that she was having a girl. And her father agreed.

“My father had a dream that she was a girl, and not just any girl, but an indigo child. I didn’t know what that meant, and put aside my airy-fairy preconceptions. An indigo or blue-ray child comes to this earth with a mission, a humanitarian mission, and she chose me as her mother, to train her to fulfill on this. I didn’t know if I believed in all these things, but if it’s true, then great, because I’ve already dedicated my life to making a difference - and have plans to raise my mini-me’s to do the same.”

Steph and her husband had a healthy pregnancy and planned for a home birth, that went smoothly until the end.

“When she came out she was limp and not breathing. We were encouraging her, come on baby girl you got this, take your first breath, you can do this, mommy and daddy are here for you. An extremely rare occurrence: her umbilical cord got pinched between her shoulder and the birth canal in the last couple of pushes. I was told blue-ray beings have a hard time entering this world, and many don’t make it past birth. Our amazing doula opens our apartment door for the paramedics, I am butt naked on the floor delivering the placenta, as my incredible midwives perform CPR on our little angel. We get rushed to the hospital in separate ambulances. No time or space for panic. This is the moment where all my training, since I was a child, of meditation and mind over matter needed to kick in. And it did. I deliberately chose not to assume the worst, and went with what’s happening, moment to moment. In this moment, my baby IS ALIVE, and my gut tells me everything is going to be ok. We had a healthy pregnancy and I have a healthy baby. She just needs a little help waking up. I chose to stay in that mindset, instead of, oh my god my baby might die…which also was a possibility.”

She really could have died, but Steph thought, 

“How do I want this story to end? If I truly could manifest my future, a concept I dismissed as hippy-dippy growing up, this was the most important moment for it to work.”

The stay in the hospital NICU was really hard: a blur of doctors, nurses, pumping milk around the clock, not being able to hold her baby, recovering from a physically demanding labour and very little rest. She was told her baby was the sickest baby in the unit, challenging her decisions leading up to the birth.

“We experienced so many different views at the hospital. Depending on who was on the shift, we felt totally supported or totally judged. Some blamed me for having a home birth, or being 18 days overdue and not inducing the baby to come out earlier. Should I have felt ashamed of my choices?”

But Steph was armed with the research she had done pre-birth, stuck with her gut and stood confidently by her decisions and birth team. Later confirmed, this freak accident would have happened regardless of delivering at home or in hospital, on her due date or past.

“The average first time baby is born at 40 weeks and 10 days. So when baby was just over a week past what’s actually normal, we were still within a safe timeframe. I trust my body and my baby, and I wanted to let nature take its course. Medical interventions can do miraculous things, like saving lives. But at the same time, our bodies can do miraculous things too so why not trust it rather than assume that it’s too dangerous, too painful or too risky.”

Steph is 35, and I wonder while I am interviewing her, if her confidence is reflective of her age. I think this may play a role in her strength of character, but I think too that she is special like that. I remind myself not to feel envious that I didn’t have that same certainty when I was a new mom, and I am comforted to hear that even she struggles with the changes post baby. And also deals with mom guilt.

“You just can’t know what it’s like until you have one. All of a sudden this baby enters your world. I felt this extreme joy and love, but also a real devastation, like I’ve lost my own life. I had no idea how all consuming a baby would be. From being someone that was so active to being at home, was really hard, isolating and to be honest, boring. I feel bad for watching Netflix. I feel bad for not reading to my baby everyday. I feel bad for feeling bad. Ha ha, the mom guilt can be endless. It’s a daily thing. But I get to choose to put the guilt aside and (with a lot of reminders from my husband) know that I’m doing a great job.”

I was so excited to interview Steph, because beyond all the things we discuss, the Steph I knew just a bit of outside of motherhood, is a dynamic and strong female voice, and founder of a girl gang. And I was anxious to see how that would translate to raising a baby girl. I couldn’t have been more relieved and pleased when I immediately identified in our conversation a running theme of: you got this. 

We really do. Deep down inside, if we just allow ourselves to listen, we know what to do for our families and we can choose our mindset and approach.

“Like all other human beings, I have moments of feeling crappy. People sometimes say that my posts on social media are inspiring. I don’t want to create a false impression, like I never struggle, but I also don’t want to perpetuate complaints or reasons why life sucks. My sad story won’t get me anywhere. Through the clouds, my daughter will grow up knowing she can chose empowerment, stand by her gut and brave anything, and I mean ANYTHING, that comes her way.”

Written + Photographed by Jena 

Edited + Formatted by Sarah

[johneburton]

Leaving The Church? It Must Be The Pastor’s Fault. People are leaving the church in droves, and most fingers are pointed at the senior pastor. Triggered. That’s the best way to describe a lot of people when the topic of “going to church” is brought up. You see, there’s a group of ex-church goers who are so angered by their previous church experiences, that any suggestion of support of the local church triggers them. I’ve had interactions with many people who tense up the moment I start a discussion about the church and the importance of being rightly aligned and connected with leadership. Let me be clear: I’m a fierce advocate of the local church. I’m also a passionate visionary. I see well beyond the current structure and I regularly rock the boat and challenge systems, motives and traditions that exist within the local church. I believe we should stay connected, submitted and tender hearted within the church while we are, with wisdom and honor, advocating for reformation. Sadly, many who share my passion for revolution within the church have gone the route of abdication, accusation and hibernation. They have abandoned their post while pointing fingers at pastors and leaders who didn’t measure up to their standards. They end up spiritualizing their decision to stop going to church so they can, as they say, “be the church.” The problem? You can’t be the church if you don’t go to church. I dealt with that in my article: You are NOT the church : The scattering movement. I also address the abandonment of the church in my book Covens in the Church. People are leaving assignments and putting the church at great risk. It’s a movement of witchcraft and rebellion in the name of God. A key reason why people are so disenchanted with the church is simple: Their expectations of what pastors are supposed to do and how the church is supposed to function are wrong. MISCONCEPTIONS ABOUT THE ROLE OF PASTOR AND THE CHURCH THE PASTOR IS SUPPOSED TO BE MY CLOSE, PERSONAL FRIEND There are many disappointed people who expected the pastor of the church they once attended to become a close, personal friend. While it’s true that pastors will have friends, and it’s possible to be counted among them, that should not be the goal or the expectation. In fact, it’s a bit ludicrous to presume the pastor has to squeeze time, emotional energy and attention to you into his very busy and important life. The pastor’s role is not to be your close, personal bud. It’s to be a faithful leader and to watch out for your soul. Stop and think about this for a moment. Do you have unlimited time and energy to give to literally everyone who chooses you as their new friend? How would you do it? Would you go out to lunch with them every day? What about hundreds of others who have the same demands? It simply doesn’t make sense. We need to honestly understand just why pastors may choose not to be your close, personal friend. Here are a few: His mandate is mostly to pray and study the Word. 1 Now in these days when the disciples were increasing in number, a complaint by the Hellenists arose against the Hebrews because their widows were being neglected in the daily distribution. 2 And the twelve summoned the full number of the disciples and said, “It is not right that we should give up preaching the word of God to serve tables. 3 Therefore, brothers, pick out from among you seven men of good repute, full of the Spirit and of wisdom, whom we will appoint to this duty. 4 But we will devote ourselves to prayer and to the ministry of the word.” Acts 6:1-4 (ESV) It’s concerning today that pastors, instead of spending loads of time on their knees and in the Word, are being pulled in every direction to visit people in the hospital, meet with visitors, answer the phone at all hours of the night and meet the needs of everybody in the church. One of my favorite stories about Mike Bickle of the International House of Prayer in Kansas City brings clarity to this point. A person of great influence was flying through Kansas City and wanted to meet with Mike during his layover. Mike was unavailable. The layover was during Mike’s daily scheduled prayer time. He politely declined the meeting. We need a new breed of leader that will install a team who will take care of the people and then focus on meeting with God, getting wrecked in his presence, gaining powerful revelation in the Word and, as a result, stand behind the pulpit with fire in their eyes and a tremble in their spirit. He may not have sufficient time or emotional energy to invest in another close relationship. Related to the point above, pastors are busy. Really busy. Even those who lead small churches can’t be expected to be best friends with everybody. I’ve heard people say that if they can’t be close friends with all, they should resign from ministry. Ridiculous. Further, do you know how many ministry families are being torn apart because of the pastor having absolutely unreal, unnecessary demands placed on them? Burnout is real. Pastor’s kids are often neglected. Pastor’s wives often live with great resentment against the church and those who are crushing her husband under the weight of their demands. This study by Robin Dunbar is revealing: Is there a limit to how many people you can actually be friends with at a time? According to psychologists, the answer is yes. A study by Robin Dunbar, an evolutionary psychologist at University of Oxford, shows the average person can only manage five close relationships at a time. So, if your church has more than five people attending, chances are the pastor simply won’t have room for another close friend. He may not like you. This one may sting. I’m confident you don’t have a blast hanging out with everybody. You have your favorites. So do pastors. It’s natural. It’s normal. Your personalities might not match. You might be clingy, weird, co-dependent, high maintenance or unbalanced. He'll be most effective ministering to you from afar. This doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you. It doesn’t mean you can’t be friend at a less intimate level. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t care about you. He just isn’t going to take you on vacation or hang out in his PJ’s watching football with you. You have yet to prove yourself or invest in the ministry. Smart leaders will invest mostly in those who have proven themselves faithful. Jesus devoted himself to twelve, and then at a closer level to three. Pastors will hang with those who share his vision, who are fierce defenders of the church and who don’t exhibit selfish tendencies. The pastor has a serious call of God to lead the church into an impossible vision, and he needs people around him who will empower that vision. If you are dead weight, they will love you, pray for you and do their best to awaken you, but they won’t—and shouldn’t—be close friends with you. God told him not to get too close to you. There have been a number of people over the last two plus decades of ministry that I was specifically warned about. God told me not to befriend them. Some had devious intentions. Others would be a time-suck. Others would want to be inappropriately close to my family and me. Healthy boundaries were necessary. Sometimes, my wife would be the one to wave the red flag of warning about an individual. It’s always wise to listen to a discerning spouse! And, often, God didn’t tell me exactly why I should keep my distance. I simply had to obey. Other reasons God may keep you from a close personal relationship with your pastor abound. God may want you in a desert season. He may want you to pass the test of rejection. He may want you more focused on God than man. The list goes on and on. You would be better served connecting with others in the church. While a pastor’s charisma and maturity may be appealing, they may not be the best fit for friendship. It would be best to honor their role in your life as teacher, intercessor and leader while enjoying deep relationships with a few others in the church. The fit would simply be much better. You wouldn't be able to handle his strong leadership in a close relationship. Good leaders will slice and dice you in love, challenge you to the extremity of your limits and rebuke you, again in love, for deficiencies that are ignored. Most people can’t handle such a direct approach. Their skin isn’t thick enough. A well known, influential senior pastor of a huge mega-church met with my wife and me in his office one day. I had ministered with him in prayer events and, while we were not close friends by any means, we were friends. He had access to my life. At this particular meeting, he reached into my soul, pulled it out and threw it against the wall. He challenged me. He was very direct and the meeting was extremely upsetting. My wife cried on the way home—and several times thereafter. We were rocked, but we took his counsel to heart. I didn’t know if I agreed with everything, and I felt he was quite harsh about simple philosophical differences. I was troubled. The next week we had another scheduled meeting. We were anxious to see him again in hopes of asking some questions and gaining clarity. We were also a bit uptight as we didn’t now what else he may challenge us with. To our surprise he looked me in my eye and simply said, “You passed the test.” Then he hugged me. He went on to explain that he was intentionally pushing me to my limit, challenging things he knew I held dear in ministry and wanted to see how I’d respond. He said other pastors and leaders have stomped out of his office in pride and indignation after similar confrontations. Though I admittedly was angry after the first meeting, I also understand that’s the culture within structures led by leaders with strong personalities and cutting-edge leadership abilities. He is mostly focused on connecting with his leaders, who, in turn, train others to connect with the body. Pastors should be spending most of their time and energy on a small number of leaders, not the entire body. Those leaders will then multiply what they received into others. Do you think Moses could be best buds with every one of the millions who left Egypt? That’s ridiculous. It’s also unnecessary. There’s a better way to ensure people in the church are connected. 18 You and the people with you will certainly wear yourselves out, for the thing is too heavy for you. You are not able to do it alone. 19 Now obey my voice; I will give you advice, and God be with you! You shall represent the people before God and bring their cases to God, 20 and you shall warn them about the statutes and the laws, and make them know the way in which they must walk and what they must do. 21 Moreover, look for able men from all the people, men who fear God, who are trustworthy and hate a bribe, and place such men over the people as chiefs of thousands, of hundreds, of fifties, and of tens. 22 And let them judge the people at all times. Every great matter they shall bring to you, but any small matter they shall decide themselves. So it will be easier for you, and they will bear the burden with you. 23 If you do this, God will direct you, you will be able to endure, and all this people also will go to their place in peace.” Exodus 18:18-23 (ESV) THE CHURCH IS SUPPOSED TO MOSTLY FOCUS ON MEETING MY NEEDS This possibly may be the most destructive belief about the local church. People who are disenchanted about the church are usually upset that their needs haven’t been met. In fact, for many it’s a strange thing to hear that the church isn’t mostly their for them. They to be there for the church. Churches should not be started in the hopes of drawing in people and simply ministering to them. But, this is the extent of the vision of many church planters and pastors. Churches should be started when there’s a powerful, God-given vision for advance. For example, if God speaks to a man about transformation and revival in a certain city, it might make sense to start a church and gather the laborers. Those laborers will be trained for the sake of running the specific race God has given that church. Yes, churches should absolutely reach out to widows and orphans. They should be centers of healing. When there are needs, the church should do what it can to help (though, it can’t always help in every way at all times). That being said, those who have been trained, healed and equipped should understand the church needs them as laborers, as intercessors, as financial givers and as champions of the vision. Most of the spiritual needs we have don’t require the involvement of the pastor. We can easily grow in the Word on our own. We can seek out deliverance through others. We can learn to lean more on God than man. If our churches were strong militaries where everyone signed up to give to the mission instead of making demands, the world would be turned upside down. RELATIONSHIPS ARE THE MOST IMPORTANT THING If there one thing that troubles me, it’s when people gather together in the church to meet with friends and then lose passion when they are called to invest in the vision. I’ve seen this happen many times. People who want to connect relationally will stay involved until that well runs dry. Then, the pastor and leadership are accused of not having a loving church or facilitating friendships. While relationships are important, they aren’t the goal. The pastor’s job isn’t to develop a friendship club. The mission of intercession and Kingdom advance should be their focus. I heard a story, again about IHOPKC, that speaks to this. Long ago, they instituted small groups. They started to flourish as people focused on developing relationships and satisfying that desire to make friends. That’s good. However, the primary, foundational purpose of IHOPKC was compromised. The main reason the ministry was founded was to gather people to pray and worship night and day. The prayer room started to empty as the small groups grew. They put an end to the small groups. It wasn’t until years later that they reinstituted them using a different model, one that ensured the small groups empowered the prayer room instead of threatening it. This is one reason many churches today focus on small groups, visitor assimilation, pot lucks and connecting events—as the call to prayer goes silent. That’s what will fill the church, and kill the very reason we are to gather in the first place. To pray. Prayer is to be the main thing in every church. 17 And he was teaching them and saying to them, “Is it not written, ‘My house shall be called a house of prayer for all the nations’? But you have made it a den of robbers.” Mark 11:17 (ESV) WE SHOULD ALL BE ALLOWED TO MINISTER DURING THE SERVICE 26 What then, brothers? When you come together, each one has a hymn, a lesson, a revelation, a tongue, or an interpretation. Let all things be done for building up. 1 Corinthians 14:26 (ESV) This is the famous verse many disgruntled people use when they share their frustrations about the church. They want to minister in the service and they don’t like just sitting there and listening to one person teach. They attempt to spiritualize their irritation. This argument is often a manifestation of a spirit of rejection. Their ministry has not been given a place and they took offense. As one who has led churches for years I don’t apologize for disallowing certain people from ministering in the service. My role is to protect the sheep. If someone desires to minister, but it’s from a wounded heart, it can do great damage. But, let’s leave that alone for a moment and deal with the context of the passage. Shortly after Pentecost, the early church had, as some estimate, over 10,000 Christians. There would be, of course, no way for all of them to teach a lesson or deliver a message in tongues, and then wait for an interpretation. It’s impossible. The reality is there were two complimentary expressions of the church, the large group meeting and the small group meeting. In the small group meeting, spiritual gifts could be exercised. A variety of people could share a message. Various songs could be sung. However, this is not the only expression of the church. In fact, I’d argue the large meeting just might be the most important. This is where God’s ordained leader would gather the people and bring mature, focused instruction. In fact, the Ekklesia best defines the large group meeting. It’s a secular term that indicates a governmental gathering where leadership gives instructions to the people. Paul did this. Peter did this. God reveals key information to pastors and leaders regarding the mission of the church, the culture, the hour and the resistance of the enemy. The pastor must then have the attention of the people so they can rightly respond. WE AREN’T SUPPOSED TO BE SPECTATORS Let’s deal with this two ways. First, I believe at times we absolutely are to be spectators, meaning, we sit at attention and listen carefully to the teaching. We can’t diminish the value of this, as I revealed in the previous point. Second, it’s true that we all have a role to play. The pastor has no obligation to allow us to minister any way we choose. When I was a youth pastor in a large church in Texas, the pastor assigned some ministry assignments to me that I despised. My ministry was to clean all of the bathrooms between services and to spend 8 hours every Friday in the scorching heat mowing their massive lawn. Oh yeah, I got to do some youth pastor stuff too. I guarantee, those who are truly serious about not wanting to be spectators will have many opportunities to serve in the church! In fact, I bet if you ask your pastor where you can serve he’ll give you at least two or three options. WE CAN WORSHIP AND GROW IN THE WORD ALONE OR IN SMALL GROUPS Yes, we absolutely can grow alone. In fact, we should grow alone and in small groups. As I explained above, the small group expression of the church is valuable. Additionally, we should all be students of the Word and in prayer all by ourselves. Our prayer closets can’t hold more than just one of us. However, don’t forget, the purpose of the church isn’t primarily to meet our personal needs, be they spiritual or natural. It’s great that you can grow better on your own than by sitting in the pew on a Sunday morning. That’s exactly what’s supposed to happen. But, remember, the purpose of the church is to be a house of prayer for all nations. You are needed as a soldier to show up for duty. You are needed on the wall. The church isn’t there to load you up with Bible knowledge or to act as a bridge between you and intimacy with God. You can do that on your own. The church needs you to meet it’s needs. THE CHURCH ISN’T A BUILDING Somebody needs to shout this loud and clear: Stop saying the church isn’t a building! This argument is most often a passive aggressive attempt to devalue the Sunday local church gathering. People say this to validate their decision to disengage from the local church and to just “be the church.” Yeah, no. That doesn’t work. As far as I can tell, people who leave “the building” to meet in homes are still meeting in buildings. Homes are buildings. Further, buildings are really great when it’s snowing or raining outside. I’m a big fan of buildings. They may also argue that they don’t want to invest money in the maintenance of a building when they can simply meet in homes instead. This argument doesn’t work either. As I shared above, there must be two expressions of the church. The large group gathering is important. What happens if the church grows beyond 50 or 100 people? Some would say to multiply out and start new home groups. This might work at times, but very often it doesn’t. We forget that God will specifically call a man or woman to lead a work. It’s important that we have the opportunity to sit under that person’s leadership, and that will most usually require a large venue. When I was a part of IHOPKC, it was important for me to be in services with the entire community to hear Mike Bickle teach, share vision and give direction. It was invaluable. It required a large auditorium to do that. WE ARE ALL EQUAL AND PASTORS SHOULDN’T BE ELEVATED ABOVE US Nonsense. God absolutely favors people differently and he calls people differently. Some are able to teach, and some aren’t. Some have the gift of leadership and others don’t. We all play a part, but every single part is different. Throughout Scripture, God called specific people to give leadership over others. Moses, Joshua, Paul and many others were put into leadership roles. Their function was not the same as others. Their maturity was not the same. Their gifting was not the same. Their anointing was not the same. None of that was equal. Of course, God is no respecter of persons when it comes to his love, his passion for their lives and the fact that he died for them. But, you’d have to be biblically blind to say he favors and positions everybody equally. We must understand there is rank and order in God’s government. God has generals, captains, privates, and, sadly, a bunch of people who have gone AWOL because they don’t affirm this leadership in their lives. FINAL THOUGHTS I’d encourage you to recalibrate your expectations of the church and of pastors with Scripture. God hasn’t called us into rebellion against his precious church. We need the large and small group gatherings. God’s leaders must spend their time in prayer and the Word. The church isn’t mostly about feeding you, it’s about equipping you as a soldier in a war. When we all get unified in prayer and mission, the church becomes both a beautiful bride and a potent weapon in the hands of God.

[smartstartblogging]

Top 21 Games I Would Want On A PS2 Classic Edition

Let’s start off by saying that getting a PS2 Classic Edition, in a similar vein to the NES and SNES Classic Mini, is almost certainly never going to happen. Sure, we’ve got the MegaDrive Flashback but the idea of Classic Editions is largely a Nintendo thing. That said, it doesn’t hurt to dream and since the PlayStation 2 is my favourite console ever, the idea of a PS2 Classic Edition would be amazing!

During a recent Twitter chat with Mohammed Fi, we started talking about the idea of a PS2 Mini. That, of course, led to the question of what games could be featured on such a re-release, especially as the PlayStation 2 has thousands of games in its library. So I decided to put together a list of the games that I would include.

This is based entirely on personal preference though, so I would also love to know what games you would put on a PS2 Classic Edition if there were ever to be one.

I chose to do 21 simply because that is the amount of games that the SNES Classic Mini featured.

21. Bully

We’ll start off with a game that was a very different take on the Grand Theft Auto style of gameplay; Bully. In this game, you take the role of a new transfer student to a very posh school. You have to take on bullies, complete missions and cause havoc whilst also going to lessons and avoiding detention. The game got a lot of bad press at the time, even getting renamed in Europe, but it’s a really good game with a strong anti-bullying message.

20. Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time

Next up we have the first in a trilogy of great action games; Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time. The combat is extremely fun and the time control mechanic is both extremely useful and embedded into the plot and events of the game. The world is extremely well realised with great graphics for the PS2. The voice acting could have been better, but it doesn’t detract from an otherwise awesome game!

19. Soulcalibur 2

On to one of the best fighting games on the PlayStation 2 now. Soulcalibur 2 featured a great roster of characters, each with distinct fighting styles and weaponry to use. My character of choice was always Tali (pictured above on the right) due to her speed and attack style. However, there is certainly a character and fighting style to suit you, no matter how you want to play. That makes for a brilliant fighting game that anyone can pick up.

18. Shadow Hearts

Shadow Hearts is a game I’ve covered quite a lot, most recently in my PS2 games you probably haven’t played post (here), and now I’m going to include it here as well. Why? Because it is a very unique and different type of RPG that really needs to get more attention and awareness than it did. The storyline is so dark and mature, completely going against the idea of happy fantasy storylines full of bright colours.

17. TimeSplitters 2

I’ve not been a fan of shooters in recent years. They just haven’t felt as much fun as classic shooters, such as TimeSplitters 2. If you haven’t played the games, then just imagine a shooter where you get to visit a bunch of different time periods through the past and future. Weapons, enemies and level designs change massively, creating a wonderful mix of gameplay that you don’t often get with modern shooters.

16. Burnout 3: Takedown

If you ever wanted to play an incredible racing game full of high octane action and completely insane crash mechanics, you can’t go wrong with the Burnout series. Of that series, my personal favourite is Burnout 3: Takedown. The feeling of sheer speed was addictive, and the cars control and handle beautifully. On top of that, there is just something inherently fun to crash and smash into just about everything to see the damage mechanics.

15. Rule of Rose

I had to include Rule of Rose on this list. The game is so hard to come by now, which is a real shame because it is a truly outstanding Survival Horror game that is both creepy and downright sadistic at the same time. If you enjoy the Clocktower series of games, then Rule of Rose is effectively a spiritual successor to it. I can’t really say too much about the game without spoiling parts of it, but if a PlayStation 2 Classic Edition was ever to be made, it would be the perfect time to let people experience this amazing game.

14. Beyond Good and Evil

Another game that would be great on a PS2 Classic Edition would be Beyond Good and Evil. The game became a cult classic after its release and now it is even getting a PS4 sequel (finally). With that in mind, apart from a remaster of the game, a PlayStation 2 Classic Edition featuring Beyond Good and Evil would be a great way to let people play this game in all of its glory. It certainly would be worth it.

13. Devil May Cry 3: Dante’s Awakening

Going back to the action game side of the PlayStation 2, Devil May Cry 3 would be a must for any PlayStation 2 Classic Edition. It is the most popular in the original trilogy, and for good reason. The combat was stylish and very fast paced, whilst the game could offer difficulty and challenge if you wanted it or be set to just allow you to experience the storyline and game quickly if you don’t have the option for long gaming sessions.

12. Shin Megami Tensei: Persona 4

Trying to choose between Persona 3 and Persona 4 was actually really hard. However, the reason why I have put Persona 4 on this list is that it improved on the already excellent Persona 3 when it came to dungeon design (multiple dungeons rather than one huge one) and storyline. The general design and visual presentation of Persona 4 is wonderful as well, so it would make perfect sense to put it on a PS2 Classic Edition, if there ever was one.

11. Ratchet and Clank: Up Your Arsenal

Do you like Platformers? If so, then I am sure you would agree that including Ratchet and Clank in general on a PlayStation 2 Classic Edition would be the right choice. Out of the games in the series from the PS2, my personal favourite is Up Your Arsenal. It just took the formula that the other games had worked on and made it into a near-perfect 3D platformer. I spent hours on this game and would happily do it again

10. Fatal Frame 2: Crimson Butterfly

Going back to Survival Horror, I had to include my favourite game in the genre in a list of games to put on a PS2 Classic Edition, didn’t I? Fatal Frame 2 (also called Project Zero 2 in Europe) is one of the creepiest and scariest games I have ever played. It shows just what a horror game can be if it doesn’t rely on jump scares but focuses on atmosphere instead. If you’re a fan of being scared out of your mind, this would be perfect for you. And a PlayStation 2 Classic Edition would allow so many more people to play it.

9. Silent Hill 2

Continuing on with the Survival Horror games (as we will for the next entry as well), we have Silent Hill 2, a game that really needs no introduction whatsoever. It is the most popular in the Silent Hill series, which is why I put it on this list (even though it isn’t my favourite) and Pyramid Head has pretty much become a mascot of the PS2. Because of this, and the fact that it’s just a really great game, I would definitely put it on a PS2 Classic Edition.

8. Resident Evil 4

Moving on to the franchise that basically started the Survival Horror genre, we have the game that also redefined the genre (for better or worse). Resident Evil 4 was an awesome game that was so exciting to play. Whilst it may have paved the way for some of the worst games in the Resident Evil franchise, RE4 itself is a true gem for the console (even though the Gamecube version looked better). So it would have to be included on this list, wouldn’t it?

7. Ico

Team Ico hit the ground running with this work of art for the PlayStation 2. Despite effectively being one giant escort mission, Ico never felt annoying or stale to me. I was hooked through the entire playthrough of the game, which for an escort mission, is an achievement and a half for the developers. Of course, their more famous and popular game will feature on this list too, but Ico more than deserves a spot as well.

6. God of War 2

What is a PlayStation these days without a God of War game? Seriously… Kratos is one of the most recognised video game characters ever, sitting up there with Mario and Sonic. I don’t think I even need to explain what the God of War games are or why I included one of this list, do I? As for why I chose God of Wars 2; the first game was extraordinary, but the sequel just ramped everything up by 100!

5. Kingdom Hearts

As a child, if you had told me that mixing Disney with Final Fantasy would actually work out well and we would get a good game from it, I would have thought you were crazy. Yet, that’s exactly what happened with Kingdom Hearts. Only, we didn’t get a “good” game… We got an excellent one! The sheer hype surrounding the coming release (finally) of Kingdom Hearts 3, as well as the constant remasters of the Final MIX versions of this and Kingdom Hearts 2 should tell you just why it is on this list.

4. Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas

Come on, you knew there was going to be a Grand Theft Auto game on this list. What kind of PlayStation 2 Classic Edition wouldn’t feature one of these games? I chose GTA: San Andreas because of its scale, scope and gameplay, as well as the sheer amount of memorable moments that I have with the game. Although, if this ever did happen, I would have they sort out that damn train mission!

3. Shadow of the Colossus

Coming in next is Team Ico’s second work of art, which just happens to be their masterpiece; Shadow of the Colossus. The game is pretty simple in premise; hunt down towering behemoths known as Colossus and slay them. However, the fact that you have to climb on them, each one acting as a puzzle as well, was genius. The ending is also outstanding, with Shadow of the Colossus being the true start of the “video games as an art form” debate.

2. Final Fantasy X

We have another obvious inclusion next, since I tried to save the obvious ones for last; Final Fantasy X. One of the Final Fantasy games was always going to be on this list, but no matter how much I love FF11 and FF12, Final Fantasy X was groundbreaking when it was released. Everything about the game, from the storyline to the battle system felt fresh and exciting (and still does today if you play the HD Remaster). So, naturally, it would be on a PlayStation 2 Classic Edition.

1. Metal Gear Solid 3

The final game in the list should come as no surprise. If we were doing this list for the original PlayStation, then Metal Gear Solid would be on that list immediately. So that also means that Metal Gear Solid is on this list too… However, we’re specifically looking at Metal Gear Solid 3, which added so much to the gameplay, such as a camo system, a beautiful game world and some of the best mechanics in a Metal Gear game to date.

And That’s All Folks

That was my list of the 21 games I would add to a PlayStation 2 Classic Edition, if Sony ever decided to make one. However, there are literally thousands of games for the PS2, so I’m sure you would choose different.

So let me know in the comments what 21 games you would put on a PS2 Classic Edition!

  from More Design Curation https://www.16bitdad.com/top-21-games-i-would-want-on-a-ps2-classic-edition/?utm_source=rss&utm_medium=rss&utm_campaign=top-21-games-i-would-want-on-a-ps2-classic-edition

[endorsereviews]

Total Enlightenment Coaching – 100 Percent Power

To give your power away means to give a part of yourself away. It’s about time that you reclaim your power and live the beautiful life your Creator envisioned you to live.

Dear friend on the Spiritual path,

Did you know that the number one reason for depression, burnout and lack of happiness and inner peace in our world today is people not owning their power? The secret to happiness and inner peace is so simple, yet most people can’t see it, and so they lead a life of quiet desperation and frustration, wondering how to attain the inner peace and live the fulfilling life they so deeply desire.

weltkarte, world mapNo matter whether you are a rocket scientist or work at the grocery store, no matter whether you are a ripe 100 years of age or a young 10 years, no matter where in the world you live, what language you speak or what you believe in – every single one of the seven+ billion people living in our world today needs it:

fade-leftfade-rightpersonal power

The Spiritual path begins with you claiming your personal power. The moment you fully step into your power, a whole new world opens up before your very eyes. Are you ready to take your life to the next level? Then read on …

Before I get into what owning our power is all about and what it will do for you, let’s look at a few scenarios:

What is power? The word “power” comes from the Old-French “povoir” and, etymologically speaking, literally means “to be able, ability to act.” So power enables us to act. It enables us to do things, to move things, to change our whole life! One of the most powerful prayers and invocations in the world is The Great Invocation. It ends with the words: Let light and love and power restore the Plan on Earth. So, power allows us to do nothing less than restoring the Divine Plan on Earth. The Divine Plan is for all of us to return Home, for all of us to return our minds and consciousness to oneness and unconditional love. 1 You know you are destined and called to live a beautiful, empowered life but you feel disempowered and you don’t really know what power is or where you are supposed to go to get it.

2 You want to be in a super loving relationship and be a superstar at work but you are not owning your power, giving it away to your thoughts, your feelings, your fears, yes, to all the world and his wife! So you are being victimized by your own energies, having unfulfilled relationships and an unsuccessful career as a result.

3 You just want deep inner peace, joy and happiness in a world that seems to have gone mad but fear is holding you back, the subliminal fear to fully step into your power and own it in service of unconditional love.

Any of this sound familiar? If it does, then you are in the right place.

DruckYou see, most of us have been programmed, since an early age, to give our power away. We give it away to outer energies, such as other people, the media, the weather and the news, and we give it away to inner energies, such as our negative ego/separative mind, lower self, inner child, emotions and fears.

Pretty much everyone gives their power away – and it is really no one’s fault because we all, collectively as a human race speaking, deny our Divinity which is the Source of all power. So, as you will learn in this integrated and balanced coaching and training course, to step into your power means to step into your Divinity. You cannot separate the two from one another.

So here is the good news! You can step out of the illusion of powerlessness and step into the truth of your power RIGHT NOW by following the simple but powerful strategies laid out in this new enlightening coaching course. You see, it is really simple: No power, no self-mastery. No power, no self-growth. No power, no inner peace. No power, no joy. No power, no energy. No power, no fulfillment. No power, no enlightenment. No power, no Self Realization. No power, no nothing! Lots of power, lots of everything! Lots of power, lots of love. Lots of power, lots of happiness. Lots of power, lots of inner peace. Lots of power, lots of joy. Lots of power, lots of fulfillment, self-mastery, abundance and bliss. Introducing: 100 Percent Power: Total Empowerment in 40 Days or Less Now, you may ask yourself: What does claiming and owning my personal power do for me? Why should I strive for empowerment? Well, let me give you a few compelling reasons why you absolutely have to learn this lesson of claiming and owning your power:

num1Blume des Lebens Isoliert – Gold Weiß 3D KugelClaiming your power is the first lesson on the Spiritual path. Learn to own your personal power, and you will learn every other lesson in life. Don’t learn this first lesson, and you won’t learn any other lesson either because you need to enforce your will power to create change in your life.

num2Everyone in the world experiences fear, and in order to transcend the illusionary, separative, fear-based mind, you need to enforce your will power! Said another way: If you don’t learn this lesson of claiming and owning your power, you will life in fear for the rest of your life. Life is way too precious to waste it on fear! You will never experience deep inner peace and happiness unless you learn to own your power. Yet isn’t that exactly what you want? Inner peace and happiness?

num3All growth and success in life begins with you claiming your personal power! No power, no growth! It’s that simple! The very purpose of life is not just to go through life but to grow through life, so you can’t fulfill the purpose of your life – your dharma, your calling – if you don’t learn to step into your power. And so long as you deny your Soul’s calling, you will be unhappy and unfulfilled. True happiness comes from doing the work you are called to do.

num4If you don’t learn to own your power, you will not be able to master your mind, your feelings and emotions, your physical body, or transcend any lower self desires, bad habits and addictions which you live out through your body. Said another way: If you don’t learn to claim your power, you will be a victim in life. If you DO learn to own it, you will be a master in life. Which would you rather be: a victim or a master? Run by your bodies or in charge of your bodies?

num5We will never ever – not in a million trillion years – realize our Divinity unless we learn to claim our power. To deny our power is to deny our Divinity. Our power comes from our Divinity! So our very Self and God Realization depends on all of us claiming our power in service of unconditional love. So sooner or later, we all have to learn this lesson of claiming our power. We can postpone it, but we can’t escape it. It is our destiny. So why postpone the inevitable?

num6Our job, as a species, is to advance humanity and create Heaven on Earth. Have you ever seen disempowered people advance, grow or create anything other than fear and separation? It takes empowered people to do that – empowered people like YOU!

NOW THAT YOU CAN SEE THE NECESSITY AND VALUE OF LEARNING TO FULLY STEP INTO YOUR POWER let me help you learn this lesson so you may become the most empowered person you know.

In this comprehensive, nine-hour coaching and training course, I share with you 40 powerful and effective strategies to step into your new empowered you. Here is just a taste of what this coaching course entails. You will learn: what the ultimate self-empowerment tool is, how to use mistakes as stimulants to empower yourself, how to set up an efficient system of reminders to keep on track, how to create a powerful vision of an empowered you and step into that vision, how to grow your power by day and by night, how to program your consciousness with a very unique alpha brain frequency reprogramming technique, who to use as your perfect role model, how to get help from out of this world, the x-factor to total empowerment, how to develop staying power and why, how to work with very specific, proven power tools to reach your power goals, how to properly work with affirmations so they actually work,

In short, you will learn everything you need to dramatically improve your level of personal power and empowerment so you may become the most empowered person you know! how to tap into an infinite reservoir of power so you never run dry again and never have to engage in power battles anymore (attempting to get power by this way), how to keep yourself motivated to stay in your power, how to hire the most qualified personal power coach in the universe – for free, the rocket ship method to empowerment, how to feel fully empowered within just a few minutes of doing something very simple, how to grow through your obstacles and limitations with total joy and excitement, how to grow your personal power 100% in 100 days, how to adopt the proper attitude and philosophy necessary to succeed in your endeavor to step into your power, why you absolutely have to learn this lesson of owning your power and how to develop a super strong why to propel yourself forward, why it is crucial you make a decisive decision about stepping into your power and how to accomplish that, how to quadruple your commitment to guarantee success, how to use your power properly and avoid the trap of misusing your power inappropriately, what exactly it is we give our power away to and why, how to release all the blocks and fears that stand between you and you owning your power right now, how to prepare yourself for setbacks to make sure you follow through until you succeed, how to strengthen your will power and develop an indomitable will, how to stay focused and motivated on your power goals, why to go for power workouts and power walks, how to develop an efficient power routine, why creative visualizations are called “creative visualizations” and how you can use them to your benefit, how to develop a power routine, and much more…

Here is what this coaching course entails in more detail:

9 Hours of HD Video

This coaching course consists of about 45 videos, each video running about 10 to 15 minutes. So the videos are short enough for you to pack them into your daily schedule.

Bonus 1

Two intuitive introductions on the subject of power. What is power? Where does power come from? Why do we have to enforce our will power to master our bodies? How and why can our bodies overpower us if we don’t enforce our will power? Why do we all feel so powerless in the first place? What does power have to do with the Seven Rays? What are we supposed to use our power for anyway? What does power do for us from a higher perspective? I will answer these questions and more to give you a more intuitive answer to some of your articulated or unspoken questions that you may have on your mind or carry in your heart. So, in essence, we will look at the purpose of power from a bigger, evolutionary picture that you will most likely never have heard before and which is guaranteed to expand your understanding not just of power, but of life and planetary evolution. (Video)

Bonus 2

120-page Action Guide with practical action steps and strategies for you to implement the coaching (PDF) Value: €25

Bonus 3

Professionally produced Meditation to Connect with the Source of Power (Audio) Value: €15

Bonus 4

Professionally produced Personal Power Creative Visualization (Audio) Value: €15

Bonus 5

Professionally produced recording of The Great Invocation in four different versions (Audio) Value: €15

Bonus 6

Brand new, never-before-released, professionally produced Personal Power Declarations in four different creative versions (Audio) Value: €25

Bonus 7

Personal Power Declarations (PDF) Value: €15

Bonus 8

I AM POWERFUL Classical Mantra (Audio) Value: €10

Bonus 9

Every Day, in Every Way, I am Becoming More and More Powerful Autosuggestion (Audio) Value: €10

Bonus 10

Brand-new, never-before-released, professionaly produced Creative Power Jam (Audio) Value: €25

Bonus 11

Identification – Disidentification Meditation Exercise (Audio) Value: €10

Bonus 12

Three Empowering Articles on How to Step into your Personal Power by Dr Joshua David Stone Value: €25

TO GIVE YOUR POWER AWAY MEANS TO GIVE A PART OF YOURSELF AWAY. It’s about time that you reclaim your power and live the beautiful life your Creator envisioned you to live. We all have come into this world to co-create an enlightened humanity and enable the Divine Plan of the universe to unfold. If you don’t play your part, then the whole Divine Plan cannot unfold. This is how important you are! This is how important a part you play in the bigger scheme of the universe. So it is not only crucial that you learn to step into your power for your own well-being, self-mastery, happiness and inner peace, but it is also your duty to fully step into your power and Divinity to allow the Divine Purpose of the universe to unfold. You have a mighty dharma to fulfill. However, you cannot fulfill your Divine calling if you don’t own your power. To deny your power means to deny your Divinity!

isolated lotusGive yourself the gift of empowerment and enroll in this coaching course NOW.

Look at it not as a cost but as an investment in yourself. The growth you gain from the implementation of the coaching will be yours for the rest of your life. So as you invest your time and energy and resources, know that you can expect a great return IF you implement the coaching and do the enclosed exercises.

Now, what’s the return? 1 An overwhelming sense of inner peace and joy that empowers you from the inside out.

2 Boundless energy that pushes you on to break through any and all barriers and limitations.

3 An unshakable connection to The Source of All Power that yields your personal power.

2 Boundless energy that pushes you on to break through any and all barriers and limitations.

3 An unshakable connection to The Source of All Power that yields your personal power.

6 Rocket-ship-like Spiritual growth as all growth begins with you claiming your personal power.

7 A strong sense of fulfillment that comes from your new-found ability to enforce your personal power in your business, career, relationships and life.

If that is what you want, give yourself the wonderful gift of empowerment and sign up now. It would be my great honor and joy to serve you in this capacity. Let me close with the words of Martin Luther King Jr.: Power properly understood is nothing but the ability to achieve purpose. It is the strength required to bring about social, political and economic change.

The only thing I would like to add here is that owning your power in service of love also endows you with the ability to bring about beautiful and inspiring change in every aspect of your personal life as well.

To your power, Gloria

ipad_iphone_pp

PS: Fully stepping into your power and owning it fearlessly in service of unconditional love will be the greatest gift you will ever give yourself and the world. What are you waiting for? As Mother Teresa said so beautifully, “Yesterday is gone. Tomorrow has not yet come. We have only today. Let us begin.”

Are you ready to step into your power? Then go ahead and enroll into this training course now.

Total Enlightenment Coaching – 100 Percent Power posted first on premiumwarezstore.blogspot.com

[sublimedeal]

Total Enlightenment Coaching – 100 Percent Power

To give your power away means to give a part of yourself away. It’s about time that you reclaim your power and live the beautiful life your Creator envisioned you to live.

Dear friend on the Spiritual path,

Did you know that the number one reason for depression, burnout and lack of happiness and inner peace in our world today is people not owning their power? The secret to happiness and inner peace is so simple, yet most people can’t see it, and so they lead a life of quiet desperation and frustration, wondering how to attain the inner peace and live the fulfilling life they so deeply desire.

weltkarte, world mapNo matter whether you are a rocket scientist or work at the grocery store, no matter whether you are a ripe 100 years of age or a young 10 years, no matter where in the world you live, what language you speak or what you believe in – every single one of the seven+ billion people living in our world today needs it:

fade-leftfade-rightpersonal power

The Spiritual path begins with you claiming your personal power. The moment you fully step into your power, a whole new world opens up before your very eyes. Are you ready to take your life to the next level? Then read on …

Before I get into what owning our power is all about and what it will do for you, let’s look at a few scenarios:

What is power? The word “power” comes from the Old-French “povoir” and, etymologically speaking, literally means “to be able, ability to act.” So power enables us to act. It enables us to do things, to move things, to change our whole life! One of the most powerful prayers and invocations in the world is The Great Invocation. It ends with the words: Let light and love and power restore the Plan on Earth. So, power allows us to do nothing less than restoring the Divine Plan on Earth. The Divine Plan is for all of us to return Home, for all of us to return our minds and consciousness to oneness and unconditional love. 1 You know you are destined and called to live a beautiful, empowered life but you feel disempowered and you don’t really know what power is or where you are supposed to go to get it.

2 You want to be in a super loving relationship and be a superstar at work but you are not owning your power, giving it away to your thoughts, your feelings, your fears, yes, to all the world and his wife! So you are being victimized by your own energies, having unfulfilled relationships and an unsuccessful career as a result.

3 You just want deep inner peace, joy and happiness in a world that seems to have gone mad but fear is holding you back, the subliminal fear to fully step into your power and own it in service of unconditional love.

Any of this sound familiar? If it does, then you are in the right place.

DruckYou see, most of us have been programmed, since an early age, to give our power away. We give it away to outer energies, such as other people, the media, the weather and the news, and we give it away to inner energies, such as our negative ego/separative mind, lower self, inner child, emotions and fears.

Pretty much everyone gives their power away – and it is really no one’s fault because we all, collectively as a human race speaking, deny our Divinity which is the Source of all power. So, as you will learn in this integrated and balanced coaching and training course, to step into your power means to step into your Divinity. You cannot separate the two from one another.

So here is the good news! You can step out of the illusion of powerlessness and step into the truth of your power RIGHT NOW by following the simple but powerful strategies laid out in this new enlightening coaching course. You see, it is really simple: No power, no self-mastery. No power, no self-growth. No power, no inner peace. No power, no joy. No power, no energy. No power, no fulfillment. No power, no enlightenment. No power, no Self Realization. No power, no nothing! Lots of power, lots of everything! Lots of power, lots of love. Lots of power, lots of happiness. Lots of power, lots of inner peace. Lots of power, lots of joy. Lots of power, lots of fulfillment, self-mastery, abundance and bliss. Introducing: 100 Percent Power: Total Empowerment in 40 Days or Less Now, you may ask yourself: What does claiming and owning my personal power do for me? Why should I strive for empowerment? Well, let me give you a few compelling reasons why you absolutely have to learn this lesson of claiming and owning your power:

num1Blume des Lebens Isoliert – Gold Weiß 3D KugelClaiming your power is the first lesson on the Spiritual path. Learn to own your personal power, and you will learn every other lesson in life. Don’t learn this first lesson, and you won’t learn any other lesson either because you need to enforce your will power to create change in your life.

num2Everyone in the world experiences fear, and in order to transcend the illusionary, separative, fear-based mind, you need to enforce your will power! Said another way: If you don’t learn this lesson of claiming and owning your power, you will life in fear for the rest of your life. Life is way too precious to waste it on fear! You will never experience deep inner peace and happiness unless you learn to own your power. Yet isn’t that exactly what you want? Inner peace and happiness?

num3All growth and success in life begins with you claiming your personal power! No power, no growth! It’s that simple! The very purpose of life is not just to go through life but to grow through life, so you can’t fulfill the purpose of your life – your dharma, your calling – if you don’t learn to step into your power. And so long as you deny your Soul’s calling, you will be unhappy and unfulfilled. True happiness comes from doing the work you are called to do.

num4If you don’t learn to own your power, you will not be able to master your mind, your feelings and emotions, your physical body, or transcend any lower self desires, bad habits and addictions which you live out through your body. Said another way: If you don’t learn to claim your power, you will be a victim in life. If you DO learn to own it, you will be a master in life. Which would you rather be: a victim or a master? Run by your bodies or in charge of your bodies?

num5We will never ever – not in a million trillion years – realize our Divinity unless we learn to claim our power. To deny our power is to deny our Divinity. Our power comes from our Divinity! So our very Self and God Realization depends on all of us claiming our power in service of unconditional love. So sooner or later, we all have to learn this lesson of claiming our power. We can postpone it, but we can’t escape it. It is our destiny. So why postpone the inevitable?

num6Our job, as a species, is to advance humanity and create Heaven on Earth. Have you ever seen disempowered people advance, grow or create anything other than fear and separation? It takes empowered people to do that – empowered people like YOU!

NOW THAT YOU CAN SEE THE NECESSITY AND VALUE OF LEARNING TO FULLY STEP INTO YOUR POWER let me help you learn this lesson so you may become the most empowered person you know.

In this comprehensive, nine-hour coaching and training course, I share with you 40 powerful and effective strategies to step into your new empowered you. Here is just a taste of what this coaching course entails. You will learn: what the ultimate self-empowerment tool is, how to use mistakes as stimulants to empower yourself, how to set up an efficient system of reminders to keep on track, how to create a powerful vision of an empowered you and step into that vision, how to grow your power by day and by night, how to program your consciousness with a very unique alpha brain frequency reprogramming technique, who to use as your perfect role model, how to get help from out of this world, the x-factor to total empowerment, how to develop staying power and why, how to work with very specific, proven power tools to reach your power goals, how to properly work with affirmations so they actually work,

In short, you will learn everything you need to dramatically improve your level of personal power and empowerment so you may become the most empowered person you know! how to tap into an infinite reservoir of power so you never run dry again and never have to engage in power battles anymore (attempting to get power by this way), how to keep yourself motivated to stay in your power, how to hire the most qualified personal power coach in the universe – for free, the rocket ship method to empowerment, how to feel fully empowered within just a few minutes of doing something very simple, how to grow through your obstacles and limitations with total joy and excitement, how to grow your personal power 100% in 100 days, how to adopt the proper attitude and philosophy necessary to succeed in your endeavor to step into your power, why you absolutely have to learn this lesson of owning your power and how to develop a super strong why to propel yourself forward, why it is crucial you make a decisive decision about stepping into your power and how to accomplish that, how to quadruple your commitment to guarantee success, how to use your power properly and avoid the trap of misusing your power inappropriately, what exactly it is we give our power away to and why, how to release all the blocks and fears that stand between you and you owning your power right now, how to prepare yourself for setbacks to make sure you follow through until you succeed, how to strengthen your will power and develop an indomitable will, how to stay focused and motivated on your power goals, why to go for power workouts and power walks, how to develop an efficient power routine, why creative visualizations are called “creative visualizations” and how you can use them to your benefit, how to develop a power routine, and much more…

Here is what this coaching course entails in more detail:

9 Hours of HD Video

This coaching course consists of about 45 videos, each video running about 10 to 15 minutes. So the videos are short enough for you to pack them into your daily schedule.

Bonus 1

Two intuitive introductions on the subject of power. What is power? Where does power come from? Why do we have to enforce our will power to master our bodies? How and why can our bodies overpower us if we don’t enforce our will power? Why do we all feel so powerless in the first place? What does power have to do with the Seven Rays? What are we supposed to use our power for anyway? What does power do for us from a higher perspective? I will answer these questions and more to give you a more intuitive answer to some of your articulated or unspoken questions that you may have on your mind or carry in your heart. So, in essence, we will look at the purpose of power from a bigger, evolutionary picture that you will most likely never have heard before and which is guaranteed to expand your understanding not just of power, but of life and planetary evolution. (Video)

Bonus 2

120-page Action Guide with practical action steps and strategies for you to implement the coaching (PDF) Value: €25

Bonus 3

Professionally produced Meditation to Connect with the Source of Power (Audio) Value: €15

Bonus 4

Professionally produced Personal Power Creative Visualization (Audio) Value: €15

Bonus 5

Professionally produced recording of The Great Invocation in four different versions (Audio) Value: €15

Bonus 6

Brand new, never-before-released, professionally produced Personal Power Declarations in four different creative versions (Audio) Value: €25

Bonus 7

Personal Power Declarations (PDF) Value: €15

Bonus 8

I AM POWERFUL Classical Mantra (Audio) Value: €10

Bonus 9

Every Day, in Every Way, I am Becoming More and More Powerful Autosuggestion (Audio) Value: €10

Bonus 10

Brand-new, never-before-released, professionaly produced Creative Power Jam (Audio) Value: €25

Bonus 11

Identification – Disidentification Meditation Exercise (Audio) Value: €10

Bonus 12

Three Empowering Articles on How to Step into your Personal Power by Dr Joshua David Stone Value: €25

TO GIVE YOUR POWER AWAY MEANS TO GIVE A PART OF YOURSELF AWAY. It’s about time that you reclaim your power and live the beautiful life your Creator envisioned you to live. We all have come into this world to co-create an enlightened humanity and enable the Divine Plan of the universe to unfold. If you don’t play your part, then the whole Divine Plan cannot unfold. This is how important you are! This is how important a part you play in the bigger scheme of the universe. So it is not only crucial that you learn to step into your power for your own well-being, self-mastery, happiness and inner peace, but it is also your duty to fully step into your power and Divinity to allow the Divine Purpose of the universe to unfold. You have a mighty dharma to fulfill. However, you cannot fulfill your Divine calling if you don’t own your power. To deny your power means to deny your Divinity!

isolated lotusGive yourself the gift of empowerment and enroll in this coaching course NOW.

Look at it not as a cost but as an investment in yourself. The growth you gain from the implementation of the coaching will be yours for the rest of your life. So as you invest your time and energy and resources, know that you can expect a great return IF you implement the coaching and do the enclosed exercises.

Now, what’s the return? 1 An overwhelming sense of inner peace and joy that empowers you from the inside out.

2 Boundless energy that pushes you on to break through any and all barriers and limitations.

3 An unshakable connection to The Source of All Power that yields your personal power.

2 Boundless energy that pushes you on to break through any and all barriers and limitations.

3 An unshakable connection to The Source of All Power that yields your personal power.

6 Rocket-ship-like Spiritual growth as all growth begins with you claiming your personal power.

7 A strong sense of fulfillment that comes from your new-found ability to enforce your personal power in your business, career, relationships and life.

If that is what you want, give yourself the wonderful gift of empowerment and sign up now. It would be my great honor and joy to serve you in this capacity. Let me close with the words of Martin Luther King Jr.: Power properly understood is nothing but the ability to achieve purpose. It is the strength required to bring about social, political and economic change.

The only thing I would like to add here is that owning your power in service of love also endows you with the ability to bring about beautiful and inspiring change in every aspect of your personal life as well.

To your power, Gloria

ipad_iphone_pp

PS: Fully stepping into your power and owning it fearlessly in service of unconditional love will be the greatest gift you will ever give yourself and the world. What are you waiting for? As Mother Teresa said so beautifully, “Yesterday is gone. Tomorrow has not yet come. We have only today. Let us begin.”

Are you ready to step into your power? Then go ahead and enroll into this training course now.

Total Enlightenment Coaching – 100 Percent Power published first on http://ift.tt/2qxBbOD

[bytrial-andfire]

full moon post

Thursday, October 5th

Healing and protecting spell with the full moon in Aries (ruled by Mars)

“Aries energy is about believing in yourself so much that any obstacles are viewed as being small in comparison."

The October Full Moon, or hunter’s moon is this Thursday.  It falls in Aries, a fire sign which holds intensity, passion, and action. Diana is a special deity being both the goddess of the hunt and of the moon.  Being on a Thursday, this Full Moon’s energies influence healing, protecting, and wealth. As a hunter's moon, it influences money, the home, protection spells, astral and physical traveling and the search for guides and spirit work. It's also the harvest moon because it falls closest to the northern hemisphere's autumnal equinox, which was Sept. 22nd. Some might consider this to mean that the hunter’s moon would be the next full moon after the harvest moon. 

“With the October Full Moon in Aries we are being asked to step up, take action and start claiming back our lives.

If there are power struggles in your relationships, the Full Moon may cause tensions to rise. Instead of getting sucked into the intensity, try to find balance and use power from a place of heart, not ego.”

Protection spell focused on:

Healing, restore self-confidence not to turn away from or be scared of action Dive into necessary work but be protected from ways this could go wrong- adversary, burnout.

Full Moon ritual (here is my format, feel free to use or tweak it to your purposes)

You will need: Light from the Full Moon Spring water in a clear glass or silver bowl Optional: rose quartz, snowflake or regular obsidian

Rose quartz is a calming and reassuring crystal, excellent for use in trauma or crisis, including the emotional upheaval of mid-life crisis. It strengthens empathy, sensitivity, and aids in the acceptance of necessary change. It is also an excellent stone for comforting grief. It is a wonderful sleep crystal for adults and children, providing beautiful dreams as well as preventing nightmares or night terrors. It also helps children to not be afraid of the dark.

Because of its protective qualities, Obsidian is a good stone for those who are soft-hearted and gentle. It will help to guard them against abuse. helps prevent emotional draining by others and prevents the soft-hearted from being misused. Grounding. Protects against environmental pollutants.  In addition to the generic healing properties of Obsidian, Snowflake Obsidian is calming and soothing.  It teaches you to value mistakes as well as successes.  A stone of purity, Snowflake Obsidian provides balance for body, mind and spirit.  It helps you recognise and release “wrong thinking” and stressful mental patterns.

Herbs: (adapt as you see fit, be sure to know of any harmful effects before use) Cleansing Bath- Spearmint/peppermint, Rue, Yarrow (root), Sea salt Amulet to ward off unkind intent- Cinnamon sticks, Chamomile, Clove, Lavender for peace, joy, healing, harmony, meditation, attract love to you, Spearmint for protection, healing, Rue- sprig for protection (with lavender and cinnamon) Valerian

(lemon balm/melissa is also good with the Full Moon-associated with Diana, and guides us as we traverse the misty emotional state of the Moon and enables us to view our emotions and feelings without getting lost in them. Used in spells and rituals for spiritual/astral travel, vitality)

Center and Ground

Focus on your God, give thanks, ask for purpose and energy

“By the power of God I do this work. I ask for Your guidance to draw this energy and direct it towards my purposes.  I thank you for this gift.”

Breathe in deeply and begin to visualize the energy surrounding you Direct it towards your chakras, drawing it up from deep within the elements

“As above, so below”

Visualize the beam of light drawn up from the earth and drawn down from the heavens

Bring in good, protective energies, let go of negative energy Feel protected, contained and give thanks.

Take the broom and Clear and cleanse the space of unwanted energy

Sweep counter-clockwise above the ground to clear unwanted energy 3 times around the circle Visualize the negative energy disappearing back to where it came from “Negative energy, you are banished back to where you came from”

Set the broom down

And pick up your wand (or use your finger)

Feel the Divinity all around, present from the energy drawn up in centering and grounding

Find a point at which to start to Draw the circle, visualize it being cast

See the energy and the Circle you are drawing with your mind’s eye. Superimpose this image over the reality of your location and see both the energy and the physical location at the same time.

Pay attention to its color, the shape it takes as your wand directs it away from you and to a point on the ground

Walk the circle as you draw it 3 times

“Within this circle my powers be, In this sacred space I cast my spell

All magic that I do here will harm no one”

At the end of the 3 rounds, say

“The circle is cast, Blessed be.”

Feel the difference in energy once the circle is drawn completely, pay attention to what shape it manifests as, whether just a circle on the ground or a cone/dome around you. As long as you can see it and have confidence in your power, it is strong enough to do what you need.

Perform the spell/ritual once the Circle is cast

Rinse rose quartz and snowflake obsidian

Place the rose quartz and Obsidian in the moonlight

“Thursday moon, hunter’s moon, I ask thee to charge these crystals to aid me in my quest for healing and protection.”

Place living (spring) water in a clear glass or silver bowl to bless and fill with the energy of the Full Moon

Allow the Moon to charge the water as it rises and leave it in a safe location until it sets. Speak these words to charge the spell with your intent.

I give thanks for the past month’s opportunities and reminders to take time to restore, relax, and rebuild my relationship with time, change broken habits and rejuvenate/strengthen my magical muscles, I learned to sit with time before I being called into action again- I must understand to balance action and restoration, in October with the guidance of the Full Moon’s power, I ask to remember to find the time in between action to recharge and allow time to be with me, as well as to strengthen and focus on my own health.

“October moon of Aries watch over me and charge this water to strengthen my spell

I will be open to the paths I know are right I will follow my instinct with confidence and act swiftly

Safe in the knowledge that I am protected by right-doing Intent to do good I will match with action

Love, Hate, Anger, and Sadness, All of these emotions I experience everyday, And with the challenges and obstacles before me, I will set forth and put my effort into all I do, My confidence will grow every time I put my foot forward, No one and nothing, not even myself, will stop me in my tracks, step by step, let my inner self grow and overcome any fear or obstacle. By the power of three times three As I will it So mote it be.”

Remember to open the circle Open the circle repeating the following three times for each time the circle was cast. “Thank you for your protection  This circle is open, yet unbroken It has served its purpose yet it is not uncast.”

Go about your night, later retrieve the water as the Moon sets at the end of the night. Draw a bath using the moon water.

Place rose quartz and obsidian next to the bath.

Add the herbs that you choose and allow to soak for a minute before entering the bath

Once in the bath recite:

“Moon water surround me and cleanse me of all grudges or wishes of ill-will. Purify my mind and heart so that in my relationships I am reminded of my love and respect for my family.  I will cherish and uplift those I love and only use my powers of reason from a place of love.  As I prepare for action, I steel myself against all who wish me harm.

“In these herbs I call on powers of balance and harmony.  I ask for purity so that my ego will fall in place behind my loving nature, desire and ability to empathize with others. I seek strength to be protected from abuse and to protect my heart from others’ desires to take advantage of me. This healing of old wounds will in turn protect me from future pain.”

Drain the bath when finished, remembering to catch the herbs. Collect and thank them for their power and energy. Discard in the garden.

In charging the amulet, place the herbs/crystals inside the sachet or glass container

“In these herbs (and crystals) are contained both the power of protection and the power of courage. I charge this amulet and wear it as a reminder and motivation that all I need is within me. These herbs I carry as tools to help me manifest my inner strength.

As I will it So mote it be”

Tie around neck or place on person and carry it with you as a symbol and reminder in your actions.

[ronaldmrashid]

College Graduates: The Real World Is Better Than Hell

Dear College Graduates,

I’m sorry to say, but the good times are over! I know making a living on your own might sound scary, but heck, millions of people have done so in the past, so have some faith. 

From a physical standpoint, you’ll probably only get flabbier, grayer, and more stressed. Don’t be surprised if you start experiencing chronic back pain, elbow pain, shoulder pain, sciatica, and plantar fasciitis. The common cold will visit you more often than a good friend will on Facebook. Meanwhile, your face will likely start breaking out as if you were going through puberty again.

If you think you don’t look good in pictures now, just wait five years! You’ll look back and realize how good you looked all along.

The real world is tough no doubt about it. Globalization has made competition a nightmare. Housing costs in major job centers has become prohibitively expensive. And student debt levels have never been higher. What’s a young adult supposed to do?

Here’s some candid advice for new college graduates and 20-somethings trying to make it in this great cruel world. 

Candid Advice For College Graduates

1) Create a massive professional network. If you’re not one of the privileged, the system is stacked against you. The people who get the best jobs are the ones who are not only smart, but who are also well connected. The best way to compete is to build relationships with people who are in power. Even if you don’t respect them because they didn’t have to hustle as hard for you, swallow your pride and break into their circle. Drink where they drink. Play where they play.

2) Forget about your college degree. Once you have a job, nobody will give a crap about your grades, what school you went to, or where you spent your summers volunteering to help eradicate malaria. All your employer will care about is whether you can add more value than you cost. Always remember this! They’ve already made a decision to hire you. Now prove their decision correct. The only people who always talk about where they went to college are too insecure to show what they can do now. Where you went to college is only a reflection of how well you did in high school. 

3) Live like a college student for as long as possible. There’s no need to live in a nice place the first 5-10 years post college. Instead, try and live exactly as you did in college by sharing a room or finding housemates. You should be spending most of your time at work and on your side gig instead of at home. Nobody cares if you live in a divvy place. It’s to be expected. Only if you’ve found a partner with a nice income or you want to start a family should you spend up on housing.

Related: Housing Expense Guideline For Financial Independence

4) Play a forever sport: tennis or golf or both. Surprise! Unless your job is in research, you don’t need a brilliant mind to get ahead. Instead, you need to learn how to connect with people. Common interests bring people together, no matter what age, sex, seniority level, or race. By playing tennis or golf, you increase your chances of spending time with other people who enjoy the two sports. For some reason, tennis and golf are two of the most popular sports enjoyed by people in positions of power. If you can spend one-on-one time with a person for 1 – 5 hours, you will inevitably build a better relationship. If you have no athletic skills whatsoever, learn as much as you can about golf, tennis, football, and basketball so you can smoothly participate in all the small talk. Go Warriors!

5) Always be building your brand. The resume is going to be a thing of the past. Instead, every single employer or prospective client wants to get to know as much about you as possible through your online profile before doing any business. Yes, have a LinkedIn profile given it’s the largest professional network today. But also have your own website where you can shape your brand. You will find more opportunities due to your online presence thanks to the law of attraction. A strong brand is imperative for achieving maximum value.

Related: How To Build A Stronger Brand For Everything

6) Give as much face time as possible Because you will initially provide minimal value to your employer, face time is extremely important. Face time means your boss always sees you at your desk by the time she comes in and when she leaves. Your senior colleagues all want to see you put in the effort, even if you aren’t adding much value yet. They are betting on your potential. 

7) Know your place. Please, for the love of God, stay humble and hungry in the work place. The first people to get fired are the know-it-alls who aren’t willing to listen or learn from others. Respect your elders, do what you’re told, and always ask whether you can help others when you’re idle.

8) If you think you’re so great, go out on your own. Only a few lucky people can say they truly love their job more than 50% of the time. Either find another firm that recognizes your abilities, or start your own company. It would be a crying shame if you were stuck in an environment that suppressed your creativity. Even if you fail, at least you’ll know you tried. You’ll also become more appreciative of having a day job once you fail as an entrepreneur. Take more risks when you have less money and zero dependents.

Related: How Much Do I Have To Make As An Entrepreneur To Replicate My Day Job Income?

9) Let go of comparisons. Within five years out of college, you’ll start seeing many people your same age drive expensive cars and purchase nice homes. You’ll constantly ask yourself, “How can they afford such things?” All you’ve got to do is do the math. A lot of your peers are not buying houses and expensive cars on their own. Its the Bank of Mom & Dad hooking them up. If you try to keep up with them, you’ll lose because it’s two balance sheets against your one. If you aren’t lucky enough to have parents who still change your diapers at 27, focus on building your own wealth. You’ll feel a far greater sense of pride. 

10) Take care of your body. Life is messed up because our bodies are in the best shape of our lives in our 20s. Yet, we kill ourselves by trying to get ahead in our careers. Having a proper mind / body connection is imperative to prevent burnout. Burnout is what makes you irrationally quit a job with nothing lined up when you have little experience and no money. If you burn out too soon, you destroy your wealth creation potential. Do not join the majority of Americans who don’t care about their health. 

Related: Track Everything! We’re Eating And Spending Way Too Much

11) Save early and invest often. You’ve got to get in the habit of saving a painful amount of money each paycheck. If you aren’t feeling pain, then you’re not saving enough. After years of developing a savings mindset, you minimize the risk of financial ruin because you’ll always be spending less than you make even if you start making the mega bucks. Further, your savings / investments should grow mightily after 10+ years thanks to the power of compounding interest.

Related: How Much Should I Have Saved By Age?

12) Passive income will be your best friend. The whole point of saving and investing is to develop passive income streams. And the whole point about having passive income streams is so that you have the optionality to do something new once you hate your job. I don’t care if you work at Google or McKinsey, you will eventually not want to go to work anymore. Passive income will allow you to take that leap of faith.

Related: Ranking The Best Passive Income Streams

13) It can get very expensive to wait to have a kid. Kids are expensive, but waiting until you’re in your mid 30s or later to have kids could literally cost you $20,000 – $100,000 to try and conceive. What’s worse, you might not even be able to have a child after spending all that money. Having children is obviously a personal choice. Just know that your odds for having a baby decline the older you get. There’s also the psychological trauma you may experience due to miscarriages and false hope. It’s not easy being a working pregnant woman in America. On the flip side, it can also be very expensive to have a kid early due to the time a kid takes away from work.  

14) Do something that matters. If you have to, sacrifice for the first 10 years of your post college life in order to shore up your finances and give yourself experience and optionality. After 10 years, if you aren’t doing work that’s meaningful, leave. You will absolutely regret not taking a chance at doing something you love when you’re much older. Keep searching for that something you’d do for free.

15) Perseverance is the key to progress. Some call perseverance grit. Either way, those of you who can keep on going no matter what will fulfill your dreams. It takes grit to stay awake from 10pm – 6am taking care of a baby while also trying to do some work. It takes grit to work out at 6am every day before going to the office. It takes grit to work on a side business while working 60 hours a week at your day job. But if you do, success is an inevitability. When you do achieve your goals, try to stay as humble as possible.

Don’t Look Back With Regret

30 will come way sooner than you think. Hopefully, you’ll have either made it by 30 or know that you’re on the right path by 30. If you mess around in your 20s, you’ll probably play catch up for at least a decade because success begets success. The cacophony of bitterness you hear is from the ones who decided to mess around in their 20s. Please don’t waste your youth by trying to keep up on appearances with people you don’t like.

You will regret more of the things you don’t try than the things you do. I’ve found this to be true after 40 years of living. Even if you fail, you’ll find peace knowing that at least you tried. Please think about how great your life will be based on the things you do today.

Related:

How To Make Six Figures At Almost Any Age

A List Of Career Limiting Moves To Blow Up Your Future

Readers, any new graduates out there want to share their thoughts about the future? What do you plan to do with your one and only exciting life? Any older readers out there want to share what they should have done differently right out of college? My biggest error was not listening more to my colleagues. I thought I knew so much, when in reality, I knew so little.

from http://www.financialsamurai.com/advice-for-college-graduates/

[wtfeveniscollege]

The Love of Her Life

                                                                                           Feb. 8th, 2017 9:14 am

Happy 22nd Birthday Morgan! Are you feeling 22?  Drink some angries up there. I hope you've been doing okay. You should be here. 

I know I haven't written anything on here yet and I'm so sorry. It’s been almost four months but it's hard for me to put my words together and not forget things, important things. There are so many important things. Being away at school, away from Sissy has been especially hard. I struggle to be there for her in the way that a sister needs to be. And I struggle to get all my points across to you in this message. I will continuously think of new things I need to add, so be prepared for that.  I will always come up with new things I need to thank you for.  

How do you thank the man that loved my sister more than anything? How do you thank the man that was the love of my sister's life? How do you even begin to thank the man that gave her everything and would have continued to for the rest of her life? You gave her everything she needed and deserved. You were such a blessing and not only to my family but to so many countless people. But I think you already knew that, the line of people outside of the funeral home was unbelievable. The amount of motorcycles present and the burnouts that will leave your mark on the streets, was incredible.    

I think I write so much because I'm not really good at anything else. And even still, I wish I was a better writer. So here it is, this is for you Morgan not for anyone else.  Other people can read it but it’s main purpose is for you.  These are the things I've been trying to say but I will write and write forever so I used your birthday as a deadline. You loved my sister and she loved you. I've never seen her so happy in her life, ever. My heart breaks every day when I think about the loss my sister feels and your family and your friends. My heart breaks, I feel sick to my stomach when I think about half of my sister's heart missing. That’s how she describes her feelings.  You took it with you to heaven and she will always love you. And how can anyone blame her?  I am forever grateful that you were a part of her life, it may have been only for a short time but you helped her learn what she is worth and what she deserves. She will struggle to find another man like you. You're irreplaceable.  And you became like another brother to me.  You were one of us.

I don't understand and I don’t think I ever will understand the idea of death. How someone can be here one day and not the next. How she can go from sleeping with him next to her every night to coming home to a cold empty bed. How the things you guys used do together, is now something she does alone.  Sorry for my language, I think you can handle it-but it's so fucked that there's nothing I can do or anyone can do to bring you back to the people who love you. There's nothing I can do to bring you back to my sister to make her whole again. It's kills me every day that I'm so far away from my sister.  I never know when or see her hurting. I never get to hug her or hold her when she thinks of you. She thinks of you every day. She's never not thinking of you. I hope she looks at Molly and laughs and remembers you holding her like a baby. I know you watch over her and when she's sad you send an old body style or a blazer by and she smiles. And she hears a lawn mower and it reminds her of how hard you worked.  You always worked so hard.  Everything about you made her smile. And even in hard times like this I am so grateful she can still smile. 

I think a lot about how different people cope with loss. I think some people drink excessively, some people cry and self-destruct and others cling to the idea that there was a reason. That's there's some kind of god that would be content with himself taking away a 21year old's life. He had a family for Christ’s sake.  They say "he" has a plan and I just don't believe that. They say "he" is love and light and the ending of all suffering. Well I don't believe that either. I no longer believe in a god. Love isn't ripping away a boyfriend, a son, a friend, a brother. And life is suffering, that's just what it is there's pain and unbearable loss and if there was a god that loved us-there would be no pain. Why would he put us through that?  And people say they're praying for us, and I get that. That's their way of coping. But take your ideas of why this would ever be okay- away from me. Take your ideas of a god away from me.  Do not try to tell me that he’s gone for a good reason.  

And I struggle not to tell people to shut up when they tell my sister they understand how she feels. Because even if they've lost the love of their life it's still different. It’s so ignorant honestly.  But I get it, that's just people trying to connect with her and make her feel better. But truthfully, I think she dies a little more inside every time someone says things like that. No one will ever understand her and Morgan's relationship.  I was there through it, I saw it, he practically lived in my house, and I still don’t understand their relationship.  

What I'm trying to get at Morgan, is that feelings will never go away and things will not get easier. And this pains me to know that as my sister continues her life she will forever wish you were there next to her.  I wish that too. But you can't be. But just know that you will forever be thought of as an amazing boyfriend to my sister. You have to help her be strong when she feels down.  I hope that when she kisses another boy you won’t be mad; I hope when she starts to have feelings for someone new you know it will not be the same feelings she had for you.  I hope that as she moves on with her life, that even if she’s with a man, she always thinks of you, everything makes her think of you.  She was in love with you Morgan, and if you weren’t taken away, your lives would have been spent together.  Forever.  I know this, you know this, Sissy knows this, your family, my family, knows this.  

When I got the phone call from my brother I had no idea what was coming.  The phone rang, Jack talked in a strangely calm voice, something was wrong.  He told me you were in an accident and it doesn’t look good.  This call was shortly followed up by another one from my mom.  Her voice was stern; she was being strong for Sissy.  Mommy tried to comfort me and cool me down.  There I was at school, 700 miles away from my family. I lost my shit.  My sister must have been so scared.  After the accident, I had my first panic attack, I had never had one before.  Heavy breathing, it felt like I was being strangled and white spots flooded my vision. I had two more in the short week I was in South Carolina waiting to come home.  I broke down in my room, in the hallways, in Horticulture class, leaving class in front of all the agriculture students.  I lost my sanity knowing that you were hurting which meant Sissy was hurting. There was nothing I could do, I just had to wait for my flight.  I should have known that by the sound of my mother’s voice that she knew.  She knew you weren’t going to make it.  She’s smart like that.  I came home to hold my sister.  Except she didn’t exactly run to me when I got to the house.  She was just quiet and sat at the kitchen table.  I didn’t know what to do.  I just wanted her to talk to me more than anything.  But she never did.

Dressed in black, I attended the service and it was beautiful.  There were so many pictures from so many different people.  There was a slideshow playing of pictures.  When I hear the songs that played in the background, I can’t help but cry. All the boys did burnouts for you right there in front of the funeral home.  In the next few days we went to the burial and it still wasn’t real for me. Hell, 4 months later it still isn’t real for me.  But soon after that all the flowers that were sent to Sissy wilted and died and I had to go back to school.  

I tried texting or calling Sissy every day, I think after a while you get tired of people checking up on you.  She was so tired.  She missed a lot of school and work.  So did Mommy. I did the best I could at Clemson to get through the next few weeks just so I could be home with her again. Thanksgiving passed, finals passed and it was time to fly again.

I noticed things when I was home for winter break.  Sissy still never talked to me.  Oh but god-I wanted her to.  I spent the entire break trying to figure out how to get her to talk without upsetting her if she was having a good day.  I think good days are hard to come by lately.  Sissy moved to the room in basement and in the bathroom, your toothbrush still sits in the cup next to hers.  She’s got your phone and tablet right next to her bed right where you would have had plugged in.  Your quad got fixed and sits in the garage waiting to be ridden.  Even though you are no longer here, you live on.  Sissy will never let you die.  She drinks an angry orchard at the bar and everyone knows it’s for you.  They get one too.  But just know that she seriously has the most amazing friends that are here for her. They take her out and love her and care endlessly about her feelings. They have been there when I haven't been able to be. I will be eternally be grateful for their love towards my sister. I've never seen such good friends.  

So even though you're not here anymore she has great people watching out for her and I know you're watching too. You'll always be watching. 

Happy Birthday Morgan, we'll live it up down here for you. We all love you, see you soon.