#and wow i was / am on the verge of sobbing

[gingus-doon]

toxic masculinity is when you can't express your feelings so you murder people

[sunny374940]

I will teach you all I know

So here's a little story about Emmrich learning that his daughter is a mage.

Here it is on ao3

“FIRE!” Manfred was yelling excitedly from the living room. While this would not be an unusual occurrence in itself, the sound that followed made Emmrich's blood freeze. Ellie was screaming in fear and Emmrich was out of his study and down the stairs in mere seconds, skidding to a stop in front of his daughter. She was standing there, crying, and he fell down on his knees to examine her for any signs of injury, but blessedly there was nothing to be seen. So what was-

Ah. There was a burnt patch on the rug, Manfred must have stamped the fire out.

“Manfred?” he half asked, half admonished. He had directly forbidden any unsupervised magic inside the house and yet here they were.

“NOT MANFRED,” came the answer. Well, that mystery could wait, Emmrich decided, directing his attention back to Ellie. She was shaking, tears were still streaming down her face and she looked so terrified that Emmrich's heart almost broke at the sight. He drew her into an embrace, holding her tightly and stroking her hair until the tremors finally stopped. She squirmed in his arms and he let her go.

“Elanora, what happened? Are you alright?”

“It was an accident!” she wailed, on the verge of more tears. “I don't know what happened, it just started burning!” And then she was sobbing again and Emmrich picked her up to comfort her. She rested her head on his shoulder and his mind went back to the time when she was a baby, when he and Rook carried her through countless nights just like this. And now she was six years old and such a happy and clever child. Though not so happy at the moment, it seemed.

Emmrich looked at Manfred with a raised eyebrow.

“Manfred, could you please tell me what happened here?”

“SHE'S LIKE MANFRED! LIKE YOU!”

What? Like him? Surely not… “What do you mean?”

“MAGIC!” Manfred was clapping his hands in glee.

Emmrich gaped at him. She was a mage? She was a mage! Oh, but how he looked forward to teaching her! But that was for later, now he had a scared little girl in his arms who deserved an explanation.

“Ellie, would you come down for a bit?”

She sniffled but nodded against his shoulder and he settled her on the sofa and sat down next to her. He handed her a handkerchief and she blew her nose with a honk, giggling at the sound she produced. He rolled his eyes fondly. All was right in the world when his daughter was amused by bodily functions.

“Do you understand what happened?” he asked softly.

“Noo? But I didn't want to do it, I was playing dragons with Freddy and I was burning down a village and it was just pretend, but then the rug caught fire!” She was getting agitated again and Emmrich ran a hand down her back to help her calm down.

“I am not angry with you, my dear. You are showing the first signs of being able to use magic, though you are not yet able to control it.”

Her eyes lit up. “I'm gonna be a mage? Like you?”

“Yes, you are. But there is much studying ahead of you, if you wish to master it.”

She nodded seriously. “I can do it, daddy, don't worry.”

“Of that I have no doubt.”

Right then the front door opened, heralding Rook's return from the market. Ellie took off after him immediately.

“Dad, dad!” she yelled, running up to him and he caught her in a hug.

“Hey, little bug, how was your day?“

“I burned a hole in the rug and I'm gonna be a mage like daddy!” she said proudly, pointing at the rug in question. They walked back to Emmrich and Ellie plopped herself on the sofa, examining her hands hopefully for signs of more fire coming out of them.

“Oh. Okay?” Rook looked at Emmrich, more than a little confused.

“Rook, it is marvelous! She managed to produce flame all by herself. And at such a young age!”

“Wow, that's great! Well, not the rug, I mean. And she's gonna have the best teacher right at home.”

Rook said the last part with such conviction that Emmrich blushed a little at the words. Then Rook turned back to Ellie.

“Are you gonna be a necromancer like your daddy?”

“Nope. I wanna be cool like Neve and make ice knives!” She was animated now, making woosh-woosh noises, pretending to cast magic at an invisible opponent.

Emmrich sputtered at her comment and Rook's shoulders were shaking with quiet laughter.

“Excuse me, young lady, is commanding the dead not ‘cool’ enough for you?” he asked, pretending to be offended.She patted his hand consolingly.

“Neve can teach you to make ice too, if you want to be cool, you know.”

Rook was still snickering, but Emmrich pretended not to see.

“I shall remember that, then, should I ever wish to become cool like Neve and yourself,” he said haughtily, but there was laughter in his voice he couldn't quite hide.

He raised his gaze back to Rook, who was now watching him with a warm smile.

“So there are gonna be three mages in the house now? I'm beginning to feel a little outnumbered,” Rook chuckled, taking a hold of Emmrich's hand. “But I guess I'll manage, they're family, after all.”

Emmrich smiled back at him, still as hopelessly in love with his husband as he was when they first got together. Rook tugged at his hand to bring him closer and then he kissed him in belated greeting. Emmrich reciprocated happily, until-

“Daaaad!”

Rook drew away and looked at their daughter with a grin.

“Yeah, El?”

“Ew. Take yourselves elsewhere please,” she said in such a good imitation of Emmrich's voice that they both burst out laughing.

[schemmentigfs]

Future Milf, part two.

part one!

paring: melissa schemmenti x reader.

summary: after the incident in the teacher's lounge, you start to avoid melissa who is willing to know what happened and trying to get things back to normal.

warnings: just a little angst but trust me, we have a happy ending!

author notes: This is a little rushed, but I hope you all enjoy this second part 🤍 I also wanted to thank the beautiful people who are sending requests for Mel, they are amazing and i'm already working on them! And don't worry, feel free to send any idea that comes to mind. It will be an honor for me to turn them into reality.

tags: @esposadejoyhuerta @gweninred @moistblobfish

English is not my first language, so I apologize for any mistakes!

The truth was that Melissa was completely disoriented, her brain trying to process what had happened in the last seven minutes. You acting like that and apologizing, leaving the room as quickly as possible made her worried as hell.

All she wanted was to comfort you and know what was really happening. There were a lot of doubts in her mind, to be honest. Had she done something? Or said something? The way you couldn't look into her green eyes was so strange..

Everything between you two was great until today, and then it all suddenly fell apart at lunchtime? That made her feel a little paranoid.

“Melissa, are you well? Are you hurt?” Barb asks.

“I don't know,” she said, staring into nothing, worrying her friends, “I just need to check on her.” The redhead gets up and runs to start looking for you.

“MELISSA! WAIT!” the entire Abbott crew screams, but she completely ignores it.

She stops in front of your classroom and notices that the door is locked. The lights are off, but Melissa knows you're in there.

“Sweetheart, please let me in,” she knocks gently, “I am not mad with ya. Don't worry about it, I just want to know how you are.” The older woman adds, almost begging for you to open the door.

Locked inside your classroom, you were sitting on the floor. Curled up hugging your knees, trying to find some comfort while crying. The whole situation was so fucking stupid, of course. But it still left you overwhelmed and on the verge of an anxiety attack.

So lending Melissa the future milf t-shirt made you completely lose your mind? Wow, you really were a stupid person. Stupid. That word stuck in your brain and made you cry even more.

Hearing your quiet sobs made the redhead's heart break into pieces. The thought of her doing something that made you hurt was utterly painful. The truth was that Melissa would blame herself for the rest of her life if she had made you feel bad in any way.

“Hon, c'mon. Let me—” she started.

“Don't. Melissa, please. Just go away, I need to be alone,” you interrupt her, hoping she would understand that you didn't have the strength to say anything else.

Before walking away, she whispers loud enough for you to hear. “If you need anything, you know where to find me. But please, promise me you'll be okay.” The redhead said trying to wipe away the small tears that threatened to fall from her face.

“I'll be fine. Now go.” You growl, unaware that your words have fully gotten to her.

—

It had been a while since Melissa changed her mood so quickly. She had learned to control her emotions, thanks to you, who helped her notice that it was okay to show them from time to time and it wasn't shameful at all. But at that moment everything seemed useless.

Her legs were shaking slightly and she kept tapping her fingers on the desk, while trying to focus on correcting some of the children's homeworks. It was clear that Melissa was almost having a huge panic attack.

Ashely, who was now scrolling through her cell phone boredly after making sure the students were doing their activities calmly and in silence, noticed the sudden change in the redhead and her eyebrows raised in confusion.

“What’s the matter, boss? You seem a little quiet since lunch time. Which is strange ‘cause earlier you were all excited and—”

The older woman rolls her eyes. “Nothing happened. I'm fine,” she responds, clenching her teeth, “everything is ok, kid.”

“Are you sure? I know we’re not that close, but if you need to vent, I’m all ears.” The girl shrugs.

Melissa's eyes widen, her aide was really willing to give her some advice? Normally, Ashley didn't tend to be very serious. When she tried to help, the girl always ended up saying things that were a bit nonsense. But this time, she was here ready to be a shoulder to lean on.

“Y/n..” she started but quickly corrected herself, not quite ready to confide the crush she had on you to anyone else than Barbara. “Today, a strange thing happened between me and a friend that honestly left me completely confused.”

“Oh. Do you have any idea what might have happened?”

Melissa stops for a moment, trying to get her head to work and think of a reason that could explain what had happened between the two of you.

“I-I can't explain it properly...everything was normal between us and when lunch time came...” the teacher stuttered, “she could barely look at me and when I told her to act like a real adult and tell me what was happening, she panicked and ran away.”

“After that you were able to talk to her?”

“Kinda, but she told me to leave her alone.”

Ashley gives her a pitying look, she knew who Melissa was referring to. Anyone who works at Abbott would know. “I'm sorry this happened boss, but I'm sure things will get better between you and her. Just give her a little time.”

Melissa nodded and smiled. “Thanks for the advice, hon.”

“Anytime boss, anytime.”

—

Changing my life with the wave of her hand.

Nobody can deny that there's something there.

There.

Running my hands through her hair.

Both of us thinking how good it can be.

Someone is speaking, but she doesn't know he's there.

The melody of Here, There And Everywhere by The Beatles echoed throughout the kitchen directly from the small radio on the balcony, while Melissa prepared dinner.

This was one of the many songs she always wanted to dedicate to you, the redhead dreamed of dancing with her arms around you, after a busy day at school while this song played. Just the two of you, enjoying each other's company.

Was it quite cliché? Of course it was, even for the one and only Melissa Schemmenti. But to be honest, she didn't care how it sounded.

The older woman was so in love with you that she thought of endless romantic scenarios every day. After what happened today, every one of them seemed distant. But she still had a simple hope within her.

“Watching her eyes, and hoping I'm always there,” she sings passionately, while cutting the tomatoes perfectly, “I want her everywhere, and if she is beside me. I know I need never care, but to love her is to need her everywhere.” Melissa closes her eyes for a moment, thinking about you.

On the way out, she looked for you in the Abbott parking lot but was unsuccessful, she was waiting for a message from you, saying that you had arrived home safely like you always did.

But you didn't send her anything.

A feeling ran through her body. It was as if the redhead was losing the most precious thing in her life. Desperate, Melissa picked up her cellphone that was leaning on the living room table and went to check on you. Screw the advice Ashely gave earlier, she couldn't wait anymore.

Hon, are you feeling better? I hope so. By the way, did you manage to get home safely?

Sorry if I sound desperate, but I need to know if things are ok.

Y/n? Please answer me.

Her heart breaks into pieces when she sees that you just viewed the message and didn't even make the effort to reply back. For fuck’s sake, what had she done that was so serious? Nothing made sense anymore.

Just a few blocks away, you were lying on the couch and drinking an entire bottle of vodka, pretending like you didn't care about not responding to Melissa's messages. It was immature, but it seemed to make sense to you. Since this whole milf situation was a complete disaster, ignoring her seemed right.

Of course, inside you felt like a monster, knowing that the redhead didn't deserve this. But what you could do?

“I’m ready to open another bottle and listen to a two-hour-plus loop of Chamber of Reflection,” you say, making Ava sigh.

The principal had stopped by your house hours ago to check on you and when she saw the miserable state you were in, she decided to stay there for a while. And tried to comfort you (in the most Ava Coleman way possible.)

“Y/N. Come on, you can't act like Schemmenti doesn't exist. If you keep doing that, she'll soon break into your place to find out what's going on,” she comments, “just like an episode of a soap opera where the greatest absurdities happen in an exactly dramatic way.” Ava finished her sentence while painting her nails a shade of red. The act catching your attention.

Red. It reminded you of Melissa.

Yeah, this was being harder than it seemed.

“Shut up, she won't come after me,” you said it like it was just another one of the stupid things Ava used to say.

“Yes, she will. And y’know that very well.”

—

The next day, Melissa sat with her arms crossed at the table she shared with Barb and you. The redhead stared at the small tupperware in front of her, last night she made what she knew was your favorite dish: pancakes. She was anxiously waiting for you to show up in the break room, but that didn't happen.

Keep calm, Schemmenti. She will appear soon. She won't ignore you.

“Dear..” the kindergarten teacher whispers and she snorts, trying to change the subject, disguising how tense she was.

“What’s so interesting out there?” Melissa asks as she notices Janine, Gregory and Jacob looking at each other with strange expressions after spying in the window.

“Nothing.” Jacob is the first to respond and the couple agrees with him, swearing that there was nothing interesting outside.

She laughs humorlessly, the history teacher simply didn't know how to lie.

“C'mon, kiddo. You guys look like you've seen a ghost.” The redhead gets up from the table and approaches the three, squinting to see anything out of the ordinary and when she does. Her breathing hitches.

On the sidewalk, there were you and another teacher, who she recognized as the art teacher. The woman was happily chatting with you and leaning too close to Melissa's chagrin.

Ms. Evans was know for her big crush on you, she was always fighting with the redhead to have your attention. And now that Melissa was being ignored by you, this bitch thought she could have you all to herself? No way.

“YOU GOTTA BE FUCKING KIDDING ME!” she yelled coming down to get some satisfaction from you.

The sound of angry footsteps caught your attention, it was clearly that they belong to who you had been avoiding since yesterday, Melissa.

The wish was for the redhead to pass straight by without noticing your presence there. But instead, she approached and with a certain force grabbed you by the arm, taking you to one of the far corners of the building.

“Melissa! What the fuck?” you said.

“So while I was worried to death there in the staff room because you didn't talked to me since yesterday, you were here talking normally to that idiot!” the older woman's tone was altered, you could clearly hear the jealousy in her voice, “Had fun with your new best friend?”

“She’s not my best friend. We were just talking,” the nonsensical accusation makes you roll your eyes, letting out a mocking chuckle. “Melissa, stop acting like that!” you shout and she loses her temper even more.

“You suddenly act like a bitch and I’m the one to blame? What the fuck is wrong with you, Y/n?” she growls, fire in her green eyes.

“I dunno, a lot of things I suppose,” you retort coldly.

Melissa sighs when she realizes how tough she was. “Look, I don’t want to be an idiot. But please tell me what I did, so I can fix it.”

“We have nothing to fix between us, Schemmenti.”

“What? Are you really going to ignore it and pretend like none of this is happening?” The redhead asked in disbelief.

“Trust me. It’s better this way, for both of us,” you mumble, walking away from her, leaving an upset Melissa behind.

—

After the ‘argument’ on Tuesday, Melissa and you barely crossed paths at Abbott. And when you bumped into each other in the hallway, both grumbled and went back to your own ways.

The redhead and you were fighting the need to put the damned pride aside and throw yourselfs into each other's arms, and finally apologizing. But you were too stubborn for that and it was fucking complicated.

“This is stupid! Can you believe that Y/n started going to that coffee shop that's just a few blocks away from here just so she wouldn't have to face me at lunch? This whole thing is starting to irritate me.” Melissa tells to her best friend one morning.

“I understand that this situation is complicated, but don’t you think that both of you are exaggerating?” Barb asked carefully. Even she couldn't handle this situation anymore, it was disappointing to have to see you and Melissa acting like two children.

Ava who was listening to the conversation cautiously, decided to interrupt. “Schemmenti, haven’t you put the pieces together yet? Unbelievable.” She said as if it was something of small importance, making the redhead's eyebrows raise in confusion.

“Huh?”

“It’s so simple, I thought you already figured it all out,” the principal continues in a mysterious tone, making Melissa's head spin, “If it weren’t for this bullshit, you and Y/n would already be like two rabbits jumping on top of each other, if you know what I mean.”

The last comment makes Barb choke on her tea. “Ava, could you not be so specific about this? We’re in a school!” she scolds her.

“Whatever! It’s past time for her to know that Y/n likes her too. Even Janine and Gregory acted better than that!”

Everything around Melissa seemed to have gone silent. So was it true, the feelings were also reciprocal. A lot of questions surrounded her mind, why didn't you say anything? Why did you decide to pretend you weren't in love with her? Were you afraid of not being reciprocated?

“Why is she avoiding me then?” the redhead asks out loud, “that’s making me lose my mind. I just miss her.”

“Because of the t-shirt she lend ya. Mainly ‘cause of the last word printed on it.” That's all Ava says at that moment.

“A milf?” Melissa questions, still confused trying to think of putting the pieces together. “What does that mean? Is it something bad?”

“I was going to suggest you to google the meaning, but since you look like you're about to have a heart attack, I will tell ya,” she laughs and the redhead rolls her eyes, showing Ava her middle finger, “but don't be scared, it's a good thing, actually.”

“Alright..” the green-eyed woman whispers, still afraid of the answer, “so what does this whole milf thing means?”

“Mother I'd Like To Fuck. It also means that an older woman is super attractive.”

Melissa was left open-mouthed, her eyes blinking trying to process the explanation. So that was the damn meaning, well, she had to admit that was hot. “Wait... so Y/n..” she starts but there is a pause.

“Is in love with you and was scared when she saw ya wearing that t-shirt looking extremely hot, and preferred to stay away in case you found out what she felt.” Ava reveals it like it's the most obvious thing in the world, “What are you waiting for? Go find your girl, Schemmenti.”

—

Time passed slowly to Melissa's disgust and despair, making the poor woman sigh feeling defeated. As each second passed, she glanced quickly at the clock on her classroom wall, waiting for the afternoon to end.

After her students left, and the school day was finally over. She drove to your house — without caring about traffic regulations and rules — nothing else really mattered, she just needed to see you.

Sitting on the floor, while assembling a Lego set that simulated a beautiful bouquet of flowers — a gift you received from Janine and Gregory days ago, a lovely attempt by the couple to cheer you up — the sound of the doorbell ringing caught your attention. Making you stop your movements.

You furrowed your eyebrow in confusion, who could it be? Most of your friends were at different appointments at that time. So it certainly wasn't one of them.

“I'm almost coming! I just hope you’re not a stupid lunatic or some other ,” you grumbled, standing up as the sounds of the doorbell seemed more desperate with each passing second.

You opened the door and found Melissa standing there with her arms crossed, shivering slightly from the storm. “Hon, it’s so good to see you again.” She murmurs with a weak smile. Without caring if her voice sounds too desperate.

“Mel, what are you doing here? You might catch a damn cold like that.” You scolded her, pulling her into the house and locking the door again.

“I don’t care about that, I needed to see you. Actually we have to talk.” She responds taking off the black leather jacket that covered her body and hanging it where you kept your coats.

“We have to?” There is a little hesitation in the tone of your voice, all that courage and confidence have disappeared from your body. Insecurity taking over.

“Yeah, hon. We do.” She replied, noticing your nervousness, Melissa tries to comfort you, placing her hand on your shoulder and stroking it lovingly, showing that everything was fine. You smile for the first time in days in the presence of your beloved redhead.

She takes you to the small white sofa that was in the middle of the living room. “I know you were avoiding me because of that shirt. And I know you're in love with me.”

“What? Fuck, how did you figure all this out?” you whisper in panic, covering your face with your hands. Feeling vulnerable at the mercy of the red-haired figure sitting next to you.

A silence fell in the room, making you feel even more embarrassed.

“Ava told me those things earlier today. Hon, why didn't you tell me anything? That would have made everything so much easier.”

“What do you mean by making things easier? I don't understand.”

“I'm love with you too, idiot. I just didn't say before ‘cause I was insecure as fuck. But now, I know exactly what I want: you. No one else, just you.” She confessed with a smile on her face.

Automatically your body falls even more on the couch and you feel slightly dizzy. Closing your eyes slowly, trying to regain consciousness. “Sorry, I'm a bit nervous,” you respond. “It's too much to process. Jesus Christ.”

“Don’t be nervous, it’s me. Just me,” Melissa pulls you into her lap sighing as she smells your lavender scent again. “I'm sorry if I acted like a bitch the last few days. It was not necessary.”

“It was never your fault, I was the real bitch. You didn’t deserve to go through this just because of an irresponsible attitude of mine,” you say, resting your foreheads together.

“I think it's fair to say that we overreacted a bit,” the older woman smiles with her eyes closed. Feeling a slight courage run through her body, she asks you something. “Sweetheart?”

“Yeah?”

“Can I kiss you?” Melissa asks biting her lip and slowly approaching, “I wanna do this since New Year's Eve.”

“Yes, please, Mel.” You beg wrapping your arms around her neck.

The moment her lips touched yours, it felt like you were in heaven. Melissa's lips were soft against yours. The kiss was calm and peaceful, both wanting to show all the love you felt for each other.

“You know, being considered a milf is an honor for me.” Melissa scoffs with a mischievous smile as you pull away from the kiss.

“Shut up.” You chuckle, cupping her cheeks.

“Make me,” the redhead teases, “please.”

[reythenerdypisces]

things that I overlooked in PJO the first time / small, funny things I noticed during my reread

Part 2: Sea of Monsters

there is a lot this time.

this book is so short and it makes up for the length by being hilarious: 

I had nightmares about what Poseidon might turn me into if I were ever on the verge of death - plankton, maybe. Or a floating patch of kelp.

Tyson froze. "Pony!" he cried in total rapture. Chiron turned looking offended. "I beg your pardon?" 

"Um..." I said. "Would this be the super-dangerous prophecy that has me in it, but the gods have forbidden you to tell me about it? Nobody answered. "Right," I muttered. "Just checking." 

"Uh, I like Hercules." "Why?" "Well, because he had rotten luck. Even worse than mine. It makes me feel better."

Annabeth looked at me. "We have to get out of here." "You think I want to be in the girls' restroom?" "I mean the ship, Percy! We have to get off the ship."

Tyson was terrified of them. All throughout the tour, he insisted Annabeth hold his hand, which she didn't look too thrilled about.

"Then why do the gods even let me live? It would be safer to kill me." "You're right." "Thanks a lot." 

A minute later, Annabeth hit a slippery patch of moss and her foot slipped. Fortunately, she found something else to put it against. Unfortunately, that something was my face. 

As Luke was raising his sword to rally his troops, a centaur shot a custom-made arrow with a leather boxing glove on the end. It smacked Luke in the face and sent him crashing into the swimming pool. and a few moments later: He [Luke] raised his sword, but got smacked in the face with another boxing glove arrow, and sat down hard in a deck chair. Luke can't catch a break from those boxing arrows, it's the funniest thing

2. also so much baby percabeth!! they’re so cute

She'd [Annabeth] emailed me the picture after spring break, and every once in a while I'd look at it just to remind myself she was real and Camp Half-Blood hadn't just been in my imagination. the fact that he printed out Annabeth's photo? 

Annabeth punched him in the nose and knocked him flat, "And you," she told him, "lay off my friend." her standing up for Percy is adorable

I mean she [Annabeth] looked good. Really good. I probably would've been tongue-tied if I could say anything except reet, reet, reet.

She [Annabeth] started to sob - I mean horrible, heartbroken sobbing. She put her head on my shoulder and I held her. Fish gathered to look at us - a school of barracudas, some curious marlins. Scram! I told them. They swam off, but I could tell they went reluctantly. I swear I understood their intentions. They were about to start rumours flying around the sea about the son of Poseidon and some girl at the bottom of Siren Bay. number 1. the way percy is always there for her, number 2. the gossiping fish?? I love it

The look in his [Grover] eyes told me something was terribly wrong. Annabeth had been on guard duty that night, protecting the Fleece. If something had happened -he’s admirably protective, of not just annabeth, but all his friends and I love to see it… exhibit b:

"But if I [Grover] get in trouble again, you'll be in danger, Percy! You could die!" "If you get in trouble again, I want to know about it. And I'll come help you again G-man. I wouldn't have it any other way." I adore their friendship.

3. other mentions: 

"I'm Thalia," the girl said. "Daughter of Zeus." what. an. ending. I still remember how floored I was when I first read this wow

the mention of Hylla got me so excited

am I the only one who forgot Percy could control the sailboat? like the flying ropes and whatnot

I also completely forgot about his watch shield! 

I'll be back for part 3 shortly! :)

[trouvaille12]

Thinking about Next to Normal and how sad I am to see this show close 💔 crossing my fingers that it (and the cast!) transfer to broadway

But anyway my final thoughts:

Shoutout to Caissie Levy’s I Miss the Mountains, I don’t think I’ve ever been on the verge of tears just hearing the first few notes of a song before but the way she sings this song and her whole portrayal of Diana was so emotional and raw and heartbreaking. I felt every second of her fear and confusion and she was just absolutely brilliant.

Jamie Parker’s Dan surprised me. Hearing his guttural sob after Diana leaves broke my heart and is what made me really sob at the end of the show. He was so talented and you could really feel his desperation to keep everything together and to help Diana

Jack Wolfe. I cannot get over how talented he is. They bring such a terrifying vibe to Gabe and it was insane to watch them command the stage and just give the performance of a lifetime. I’m so excited to see where he goes from here and will always remember how gracious and kind they were at the stage door.

Eleanor’s Natalie was surprisingly (to me!) the thing that has sat most with me after seeing the show. Her voice, her acting, the anger and sadness and hope she brings to Natalie was absolutely incredible. I just want to wrap her Natalie up in a hug and tell her she’s amazing and doing a good job, and honestly same thing for Eleanor lol. Wish I could tell her how amazing her portrayal of Natalie is, because wow.

Trevor was so good as the Doctors! I wish he had more singing parts because he’s got such a good voice and the rockstar parts were hysterical!

Jack O was an amazing Henry! I think he needed to grow on me but by the last show I saw I really appreciated Henry’s role in the show. Jack brought a chill and funny vibe to Henry that I think helped lighten the tension in a lot of scenes and his voice is so pretty.

[pony-central]

Nathan's Nervous about Proposing to Naughty PonyCentral Now

Nathan: Oh, crap. I'm so nervous about the proposal date, Hellbeats. What if it goes wrong? 😟

Hellbeats Boyfriend: I'm terrified about it, too. This is the most important thing to do, and we're both shaking like bowls of cold custard. 😥

Nathan: *sighs* Mum always told me that Dad had proposed to her before.

Hellbeats Boyfriend: What did your mum say before you left your old house? 😟

Mrs Files: Nathan, you're a big boy now. You... Have a lot of responsibility. Hope you find the perfect girl to... Marry one day. 😟

Young Nathan: But, Mum. I'm not ready to leave yet.

Mrs Files: *getting choked up* Oh, Nathan! *hugs him* I don't want you to leave, either! 😭

Young Nathan: *sniffs* Me neither, Mum. 😞

Nathan: I remember Dad wasn't crying that much, but a few tears had left his eyes, along with a few shaky sobs. I was an only child back then. And I still am.

Hellbeats Boyfriend: Wow. That's the saddest story I ever heard ever!

Nathan suddenly started crying.

Nathan: *sobbing* I ONLY WANT THE PROPOSAL TO GO WELL! AND FOR MUM TO ATTEND THE WEDDING! 😭😭😭

Hellbeats Boyfriend: Oh, you poor thing. Come here. Lemme comfort you, Master Nathaniel.

Nathan hugged him, as the tears spilled down his face. Hellbeats Boyfriend looked like he was on the verge of tears himself.

Hellbeats Boyfriend: *sniffles and sheds a few tears* Oh, Nathan... 😢

[apoptoses]

Did exactly as you said and read chapter 4. It’s now 3 hours later and I’m still in pieces. Took another nap but I still feel so emotionally/physically drained lmao I was genuinely sobbing into my pillow and I had to pause several times to either marinate in my feelings or play a song that I thought fit the scene I’d just read (literally listened to Instant Crush by Daft Punk ft. Julian Casablancas 3 times at one point like... “that summer memory that just never dies, we worked too long and hard to give it no time. He sees right through me, it's so easy with lies, cracks in the road that I would try and disguise. He runs the scissors at the seam in the wall. He cannot break it down or else he would fall. One thousand lonely stars hiding in the cold”). Babes I was going THROUGH IT. So hopefully this makes sense🤞

"That first conversation in it was entirely redone thanks to you ♥” god I’m so flattered! It was absolute perfection and it hurt so good. I have no idea how it used to look before our conversation but the way you had Armand on the verge on a panic attack? with everything crumbling down around him during those brief moments in which he thought he’d lost Daniel again... stunning. "How could you possibly think saying something like that is fair when just last night I told you how your running affected me? Am I meant to be kept on the pillory for this entire trip while you come away unscathed?" Armand asked. "It's not fair, Daniel." NO IT’S NOT, and Daniel owning up to it and trying to comfort him even in the middle of a fight was so lovely, so him. 

This though: “There’s a part near the back, the purple post it? Read me that part,” Daniel said. “I want to hear it from your own mouth.” NO. LISTEN. I  put down my phone, phisically backed away from it and said “OH SHIT”. It was fucking brutal and I was speechless. My favorite bit so far I think but I’m not sure if I’m brave enough to actually read it again. Wow. 

And I just love your use of rain as a motif here, and the weather in general, them driving through a thunderstorm both externally and internally is such a great choice. And how them getting through the worst part meant they were almost there. Besides, rain was also a thing in canon for them, and I’d like to think Anne made a deliberate choice when she gave them their first “big” moment together in years, alone in the rain, like you did here. In both instances it feels like it’s about washing away regrets, insecurities, doubts, and finally having them see each other as they are. 

“I want the Armand that woke up excited every day looking for a new adventure, where has that part of you gone? Did it really die with me?” Yeah THIS. I think it’s something that gets brough up often in fandom conversations (maybe not as explicitly as you put it here but it’s the underlying message we’ve been trying to convey imo). How serious, stiff, aloof Armand seems in later books, like he’s just going through the motions, only kind of coming back to life whenever Lestat is around or something’s happened to him. But that overly excited, curious, affectionate, intense young man we met in QotD seems to be gone for good. Like that’s a version of him nobody but Daniel met (maybe only the boys at the palazzo? but that was Amadeo, not Armand, so it’s not the same), only to disappear forever after Daniel left. Seeing Armand tell him that he also misses that part of himself and wants to recover it felt like a punch in the gut. 

“Wondered what exactly it was that had turned his emotions into these calcified things that were trapped inside of him, impossible for anyone to excise no matter how much they loved him.Perhaps it was Marius. Something passed on in the blood, a genetic indisposition to being vulnerable. Or perhaps it was that first assailant who had forced himself inside of Armand and in doing so stole the memories from his brain and tied his tongue in a knot so tight he was rendered unable to speak. Or was it the rejections he’d endured that had solidified the belief that he was a tainted and an unloved thing? Or- worst of all- maybe it was some inherent quality of his own. Some flaw of the personality, as immutable as the length of his hair or the color of his eyes. Forever frozen in time by his immortal blood”. Fuck. I mean we know others have wondered. Marius said just as much at some point didn’t he? How he thought Amadeo’s eyes had been “cruel” even as a mortal boy, how there was something innately wrong with him that he couldn’t wipe away even with all the love in the world. And then Armand himself saying how he feels there’s an “eternal winter” inside of him, how everything he holds in his hands, as you put it, “crumbles into dust”. GOD.

And then when Daniel started sobbing? I WAS SOBBING. Armand feeling like he had to get out of the car to comfort him or otherwise he’d lose him for good broke me. 

“There was no real need for him to look over to change lanes, except the desire to catch another glimpse of Daniel’s curious expression. Armand’s heart fluttered fast as Amadeo’s when their eyes met. “What was that look for?” Daniel asked. “Nothing. I was only checking the traffic.” AWWWW my babies, I love them sm they’re getting there!!! 🥹 And I LOVE how you keep building up that kiss they haven’t had yet. I have no doubt it’ll live up to the hype. Every single line in this is canon to me ofc you’re incredible xoxo DA ❤️

DA, I'm so glad you survived it haha

I have no idea how it used to look before our conversation but the way you had Armand on the verge on a panic attack? with everything crumbling down around him during those brief moments in which he thought he’d lost Daniel again... stunning.

Yeah, in draft one Daniel kinda just....got away with it haha Armand got called out for pushing him away when he was just trying to comfort him, but Daniel caught no flack at all for running off and didn't apologize and I thought NOPE, no that's wrong. They gotta touch on that problem and Armand can't let this trip just be the Roast of Armand de Romanus. So. There :) I'm glad it worked!! I think the story is much better for it.

It is a topic they bump up against again but that's a quieter, less charged moment.

The book conversation though! I wanted THAT to happen for a long time. What's more brutal than being forced to read out your own words and explain them? Nothing!! And I think it's something that was on Daniel's mind the first time he ever read that part. He wanted to hear it from Armand's mouth because he couldn't believe it was real.

Besides, rain was also a thing in canon for them, and I’d like to think Anne made a deliberate choice when she gave them their first “big” moment together in years, alone in the rain, like you did here. In both instances it feels like it’s about washing away regrets, insecurities, doubts, and finally having them see each other as they are. 

Thank you!! I really wanted them to HAVE to drive slow, to need to stop at some point. And rain was the best way to do it. I actually forgot it was raining the night Daniel died! It's such a nice accidental parallel.

How serious, stiff, aloof Armand seems in later books, like he’s just going through the motions, only kind of coming back to life whenever Lestat is around or something’s happened to him.

Right! I think about it a lot. I mean, it makes sense in the wake of his attempt at going into the sun. Depression isn't cured just because he survived. But it's really strange that he's got two fledglings living in his home and he just doesn't seem happy. It's like he never did the work to figure out what made him so unhappy in the first place, so Daniel has to push him to look at that and figure it out.

Fuck. I mean we know others have wondered. Marius said just as much at some point didn’t he? How he thought Amadeo’s eyes had been “cruel” even as a mortal boy, how there was something innately wrong with him that he couldn’t wipe away even with all the love in the world. And then Armand himself saying how he feels there’s an “eternal winter” inside of him, how everything he holds in his hands, as you put it, “crumbles into dust”. GOD.

Exactly. I don't think he's cruel like Marius characterized him. I think he's traumatized, he's had C-PTSD immortalized into his veins via the blood. The eternal winter in him is just all the things he never worked through and that Daniel is going to ask him to sort through now so he can understand him and start to heal with ihm.

And then when Daniel started sobbing? I WAS SOBBING. Armand feeling like he had to get out of the car to comfort him or otherwise he’d lose him for good broke me. 

Armand is a good boyfriend at heart 🥹 He's been so paralyzed up to this point and now he's taking action! He can do better he can be better!

I love them sm they’re getting there!!! 🥹 And I LOVE how you keep building up that kiss they haven’t had yet. I have no doubt it’ll live up to the hype.

They're trying hard! That first kiss- it's a lot, it's explosive! And a lot of softer kisses are sure to follow. I hope it stands up to whatever you're hoping for ♥

You're incredible for delivering these reviews right to my inbox!! I'm so happy you like it 🥹

[chaoticstateofaffairs]

So I’m very tired and on the verge of just sobbing in my car but I’m not going to I can deal with my emotional instability and I’m driving don’t worry I’m not typing I’m speaking oh look I’m here im gonna keep talking anyway because it will help my brain process things and process being by myself I’ve come to learn I don’t like being alone yes sir I am talking to myself no im not crazy this motherfucker is just staring at me oh my god ok anyway fuck it feels good wow ok so I was at the gym and cat texted me and said hey I need you to pick up a few things from that 24/7 market we go to and so I did but then I saw that there was one thing missing in the store I will not tell you what it is because just thinking about it makes me want to gag but apparently it used to be one of her pregnancy cravings and she’s having it again and so anyway that store didn’t have it so I had to drive 30 minutes in the opposite direction running fucking shit people I hate people sometimes anyway 30 minutes in the opposite direction and so when I’m done here it will take me an hour to get back home depends on the traffic and shit listen I’m already tired like extremely tired cause from 9 to 11pm was gym time and so I’m tired because I did a shit ton there and it’s just yeah I’m very tired and I’m trying to prevent a complete uh oh and also trying to prevent myself from falling asleep so I may or may not just start rambling fucks sake where would they keep this shit hopefully this won’t take me long

[unsurprising-dentistry]

Nausea || Kyle x Stan

Chapter 2: Mint

Angst time, and a tiny bit of homophobia

Ao3 link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/46758067/chapters/117785377#workskin

(Also I’ll give a free art commission to anyone who can figure out the translation to Kenny’s dialogue correctly)

Ok gay time

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Puking noises echoed through the kitchen and into the living room. Kyle got up from the couch, wanting to help his friend.

He walked into the kitchen and toward the sink. “Hey Stan, are you okay?”

“Oh yeah I’m totally-“ he threw up into the sink again, “fine.”

“I dunno man, I’ve seen you throw up before but never like this.” Kyle put his hand on his friend’s back, as he was still leaning over the sink. “Am I really that bad of a kisser?”

“No that’s not-“ he threw up yet again. “That’s not why I- just go. Don’t worry about me, I’ll be fine.”

“Are you sure I-“

“Just go!”

“Okay sorry.” Kyle walked back into the living room.

“Wow, Kyle really must suck at kissing for Stan to be throwing up that much!” Wendy said.

“Mmph, hm hmphrmr mphrm mrmph!”

“Ew, is he really that gay?” Cartman’s voice could be heard.

“Mmph mrm, rm rmph hm rphm hm rmmph!”

Kyle couldn’t believe what he was hearing. These were his friends, excluding Cartman, and they were saying such awful things about him. Why did this feel so awful? Him and his friends made fun of each other all the time, what made this different? He didn’t know, but he was on the verge of tears.

He ran through the living room and out the back door, tears beginning to run down his face.

As soon as he got out of the house, he slammed the door closed and slumped against it, sobbing.

Stan’s nausea subsided. Finally. He ran the sink, washing all of the vomit down the drain. After turning off the faucet, he pulled a tin of mints out of his pocket and put one in his mouth.

He walked into the living room, where his friends were seen talking and laughing. All of his friends but one.

“Where is Kyle?”

“He ran outside crying, I’m really not sure what’s going on with him.” Wendy replied.

“Hmph rmphrmphrm mmphm rmphrm hm rphm hm rmmph!”

“Okay, Kenny it was funny the first time but that’s seriously gross dude.”

“Goddammit,” Stan muttered under his breath, walking quickly toward the back door.

Stan tried to open the door, but it wouldn’t budge. He knocked and tried to talk to his friend on the other side. “Kyle, open the door.”

“Why, so you can make fun of me too?”

“No, I just want to talk. About all of this. Please, Kyle.” The door opened and Stan walked through.

Kyle was sitting against the wall next to the door, his knees to his chest. Stan sat down next to him.

“Dude what’s going on?”

“Are you serious? We kissed and then you fucking threw up for ten minutes straight! I really don’t want this to change our friendship but… it seems like it already has.”

“Kyle I… I wasn’t throwing up because we kissed dude. You know I just get nauseous a lot. It was just… an inconvenient time. I don’t want this to change our friendship either, and it doesn’t have to! It was just a dare, man.”

“I know it was just a dare but… was that gay? I’m not- we’re not- right?”

“It was a dare. It’s not like it was something either of us wanted to do.”

“Right, yeah okay. I think I’m done with this party, I’m leaving. I’ll see you later.” Kyle stood up and began walking toward the backyard’s gate.

“Wait Kyle I-“ Stan started, ”I’m sorry.”

[justamessedupdisneyprincess]

Wow. So people are still accusing ME of harassing people huh? Firstly I wanna say I didn’t “harass” anyone. If I ever “start” anything it’s only cause they start it first. Because they said something horrible to me that made me feel suicidal again.

For the record, I’m not the monster here. What you said and did to me fucked me up real good. I’m not saying you’re a monster or you’re the bad guy but you did stuff to hurt me that’s why I “hurt” you. I stand up for myself. I did not “harass” you but you said things that made me as I said before suicidal and I hated that you got away with it. Also calling people names and swearing angrily and guilt tripping isn’t setting boundaries.

I’ve been clean since the very beginning of 2020. I’m not pulling the victim card or some shit here but you SHOULD know that I used to cut all the time in my teen years and in 2020 I finally stopped because I finally had people be nice to me for once. 2020 was the only year where I didn’t get harassed by anyone and the Onward fandom was so nice to me back then and supported ALL of me and who I was both inside and out. I was ok in 2021 until December after seeing a post saying I should be disgusted in myself and that I don’t really love Barley and that I should get fucked because I have a kink. A belly fetish. I was able to hold off cutting by I was questioning myself for the longest time and felt suicidal again and I vented too much online which lead to this. For the record I only vent online because I am at my worst and am on the verge of actually committing suicide and I have no one else to turn too. Suicide line sucks. I have no therapy because A, they’re all booked out and B, I am terrified to try as I had an Autistic-phobic psychiatrist who literally yelled at me because I wasn’t “a functional adult”. He had a go at me cause I didn’t get my license at 18 or a job and I was crying and sobbing because I was getting death threats back then. So yeah that made me feel worse and I’m scarred for life and am scared to seek help. Also I rarely vent to my family because I have daddy issues you can say. I won’t really get into it but it made me scared to ever tell my family anything because of the things he used to say to me if I ever felt anything.

After June I myself got harassed as well mind you. I got suicidal again and started getting bad nightmares and by the end of the year after bottling it all up I lost it and snapped. I did it again but more violently then ever before, deeper and longer and absolutely all over my arms. It was hard to hide them in summer. My Mom found me out because I wore long sleeves on hot days and I ended up explaining everything to her and how I have a kink. She said there was nothing wrong with it and that my dad even liked that sort of thing as well. It honestly made me feel better. I felt like I wanted to vomit as I explained because everyone online always treated me like I was wrong so I was scared to tell my family if they will agree and think I’m gross. But to my surprise they didn’t. My mental health has gone backwards and I’m my 2019 self again. The had to increase medication cause I was getting violent in public and trying to fight people who cut in line and do rude shit like that cause I’m so fucking done with humanity and humans, for all the shit they done to me. I made a few attempts to take my life but my family has been keeping a close eye on me. My mother took away my pocket knife, I have no idea where it is but it’s for the best that it’s gone. I still get strong urges to do those things. Also that aside my trichtillomania is out of control and my fucking eyelids are bald but that’s not exactly life threatening but its more that I feel embarrassed and ugly afterwards. I have been taking lots and lots of medicine more so than usual just to avoid hurting myself. My mom says she is going to seek out a therapist but I’m fucking terrified of it after what happened last time.

But yeah, you should know I’m not some “cyberbullying”. I am just a girl with several different mental disorders trying to fight my rights to be myself without having to feel guilty or gross about it. I just want to be me without any “friends” suddenly saying “you’re gross and I fucking hate you” and leaving me and saying more shit about me behind my back. This has happened so many times that I lost count and I’m so over it. Now I’m too scared to even make any new friends at all because I know now that I was born to be hated. But yeah, sorry if I ended up having people come to you and saying shit, that wasn’t my intention when I vented about the things you said. But you should know that I had people coming to ME as well and say horrible things to me as well. And I’ve reverted back to my 2019 self. All that recovery from 2020 is gone yet there, like a hazy dream. But I cling to those memories because it’s the only thing that’s keeping me from going completely insane. But yeah. You did bad too. Consider that.

[napofawhalien]

I just finished reading this and I'm still a mess. I feel like I need a least three days to recover from this before I can read anything else, the emotional hangover is real and I'm stunned by the quality of what I just read.

*This reblog will contain quotes and spoilers under the cut, so please read the fic first if you're interested!

These are the annotations I made on my ereader while reading.

"Food has no taste. The sky isn’t as blue as it used to be. Clouds don’t make fun shapes like they did with you by his side. The stars are still in the sky, he thinks, he hasn’t had the guts to look at them." - WOW

"He can’t leave little snacks out on the counter for you to eat when you get home like he used to. Mice would get to it before you did."  - 😭😭

"You’re a clock whose hands stopped suddenly at 1:24 AM." - Oh wow, this metaphor hit me so hard I kept going back a paragraph and reading it over.

"He watches you like you’re an oasis in the desert— maybe it’s because you are. You’re what he’s been crawling towards for two months." - OKAY WRITER! PEN GAME!

"It’s just the first kiss, he can’t let himself get carried away. He can’t. He can’t let his fingers wind through your hair. He can’t melt into your touch on his cheek. He can’t let himself drown in your lips. But he is. He’s letting you consume his very soul in one kiss. How can something feel so healing yet hurt so badly at the same time? It’s like you’re ripping open a wound and bandaging it at the same time." - I'm on the crumbling verge of tears here. You write so heartbreakingly beautifully.

“every time I’m with you it feels like some part of me is screaming to be let out.” - My heart was pounding so fast reading the kiss and her flash of recognition and now it's slowing down because this line is so beautiful.

"Nothing has ever hurt this bad. You know him. You just don’t know it’s him." - This aches so exquisitely. You're making me feel everything.

When he grabbed her out of the swing and holds her and cries, from that moment on I felt like I was in a movie. It's so ugh good.

“It is me,” he cries into your neck - Words can't explain how much I am feeling right now. I don't think I've ever felt so much or been this close to actual tears while reading a fic or even a book. The way you write and built up to these emotions is amazing. I'm so sad and happy right now.

"You press kisses to the top of his head and whisper that you forgive him over and over. Each one adds a stitch to the wound, shutting it." - sobs

No Contact

Pairing: Bang Chan x Reader

Word Count: 7.6k

Tags: ANGST with a happy ending, amnesia, memory loss, grief, pining, yearning, hurt/comfort

Summary: It was one of the worst car accidents the city has seen. You weren't supposed to be in that car, but you were. When you lose your memories from the incident, Chan is ordered to stay away for your recovery's sake; but it takes a larger toll on him than anyone could have imagined. Until one day, he just can't take it anymore.

A/N: inspired by this post. Angst ahoy <3 I had too much fun writing this. Maybe I like writing emotions. Enjoy <3

—————————————————————

No contact. That’s what Chan was told was best for you. That’s what was going to help your healing process. 

No contact whatsoever. No texts, no calls, no little surprise visits. No fucking contact. None. 

He was told it would just hurt you if he talked to you— that he would just make it worse. That you would only become more confused and upset. It would be absolutely detrimental for him to see you.

Hell, it might even make you worse. 

It’s killing Chan slowly. Every single day feels like torture for him. The days get exponentially worse. He feels like a hollow shell of his former self, like the wind goes through him when he steps foot outside. It feels like his shoulders are permanently sagged forward. 

But the worst part is that you don’t even know it. You don’t know how he’s collapsing inwards like a dying star. 

It was one of the worst car accidents the city has seen in years. A friend was driving you home that night; Chan had begged to be the one to pick you up, but no, you said it was fine, the friend was heading that way anyway. Why make the unnecessary trip?

You told him he needed sleep. Always putting his needs before your own. You always did. 

He should’ve put up more of a fuss. He should’ve put his foot down. He should’ve already been outside the house in his car with the passenger seat warmer on by the time you left that stupid party. 

He should’ve gotten out of the car and opened the door for you and had a cold bottle of water waiting in the cup holder. He should’ve kissed you on the cheek and asked you all about your time. He should have been there.

But he wasn’t. 

A drunk driver slammed into the passenger side of your friend’s car at a speed that you shouldn’t have even survived.

Miracles do happen, though. But what a price to pay for a miracle. 

For as long as he lives, Chan will never forget the sheer panic and terror he felt when the call came in from your mother. You were already at the hospital undergoing emergency surgery.

He was the last to know. 

After all, he wasn’t your emergency contact. He’s only your boyfriend.

Was. Was your boyfriend. Was? Is that the right word? He isn’t. But he is. There was no breakup. 

Is that what he’s going through right now? A breakup? 

You’re not on a break. But what is this? What is this loss? This severance is so horrible. 

It’s fucked up. It’s a fucked up, amnesia induced breakup. 

Memory loss is a funny thing. Doctors scratch their heads and shrug their shoulders without any answers. The brain is a tricky thing. 

Chan did what he was allowed to in that hospital. He sat in that stark white room under those harsh LED lights and he waited until you were awake. He even waited much longer after that because only two visitors were permitted inside your room at a time— and he wasn’t about to force his way in and kick one of your parents out. 

He let your sister go in first. He even let your cousin go in before him. But when it was finally his turn… 

He never got to see you. 

“The last five years?” Chan asked with a tight throat. Did he even have any more tears left to cry? How is there any liquid left in his body?

“She says doesn’t remember anything, Chan.” Your mother’s voice was just as hollow as his. “She was asking about her freshman roommate.”

A doctor stood in between him and your mom. “It’s best if we don’t throw everything at her at once. Amnesia victims rarely never get their memories back, but we’ve found that it needs to happen organically. Seeing her will overwhelm her and that could stunt the healing process.”

Chan’s mouth opened and closed several times but no words came out at all. His heart may have stopped. 

Does that mean…?

No…

“He can’t see her at all?” Your mother asked quietly. “Not even to visit? He doesn’t have to mention he’s her boyfriend, he can just say that he’s a friend, or a coworker, or—“

The doctor cut her off. “No contact. Not until we’re a bit through recovery and she’s starting to get her memories back.”

Chan was suddenly in a chair. 

When did he sit down? The Doctor’s hands were on his shoulders and he was looking down at him with a sympathetic stare.  

“It’s not forever, son.”

Chan was only able to nod. His mouth was so dry, the back of his neck felt clammy. His head was spinning.

Books often speak of moments as ‘Earth-shattering’. Of moments so catastrophic that the planet stops spinning on its axis and time stands still.

He gets it now. 

The doctor spoke a few more words to your mother before walking away. She looked down at Chan sadly. 

Your mother sat on the chair next to him and wrapped him up in a hug. His world was falling apart around him. You were slipping through his fingers. He couldn’t even see you.

Hot tears poured down his face while he sat there with his head in his hands. Why does it feel like he’s losing you? Why is this the only way? Why are these the cards that are being dealt?

Why didn’t he pick you up from that fucking party?

“She loves you, Chan… she’ll come to her senses, I promise, I promise.”

It’s been two months, one week, two days and eight hours since he’s talked to you. That long since he’s known peace. Since he’s known any sort of comfort. 

You’re the last thing he thinks about before he closes his eyes at night and the first thing he thinks about in the morning. No matter how many times he wakes up and feels the cold bed next to him, it never dulls the ache in his chest.

It’s not a healthy mindset, he knows. And it’s not that you were codependent on one another, that’s not it at all. You were just… ripped away from him. 

Food has no taste. The sky isn’t as blue as it used to be. Clouds don’t make fun shapes like they did with you by his side. The stars are still in the sky, he thinks, he hasn’t had the guts to look at them. 

God, you love the stars so much. You always talked about how pretty they are— how absolutely breath-taking you think the universe is. Chan would simply listen, he would always listen. All he ever wanted to do was listen.

How is he supposed to look at anything the same way? How is any day supposed to be normal when half of his life is suddenly missing. What’s the point of making music if you’re not there to listen to it?

5:00 PM is the hardest hour to get through. You don’t open the door to his apartment when you get off work. You don’t tell him about the things that happened during your shift. 

He can’t leave little snacks out on the counter for you to eat when you get home like he used to. 

Mice would get to it before you did. 

His lonely apartment is slowly losing your smell. He could spray your perfume, sure, you keep a bottle at his place, but it’s not the same. You somehow made the scent sweeter by letting it linger on your skin. 

All of your old toiletries are still there where you left them. Your spare toothbrush has been bone dry and untouched since 9:28 AM that morning. Your shampoo bottles are still half full and waiting for you on your shower shelf.

It had rained a few days before your accident. You had started a puzzle on his dining room table that day– you told him it was the perfect rainy day activity. It was a picture of different comic book covers. It’s now collecting dust. Unmoved and unsolved. 

Just like him.

It was a battle and a half to throw away your leftovers from two nights before your car accident. He felt like he was throwing away your normal life, your tiny domestic traces. 

He didn’t want to cleanse you from his life, but you were washing away. Your ghost was eroding with time. 

Your spare car keys are still hanging on the key ring. Your rain coat is on the third hook draped right over your work bag. Even your phone charger is still plugged into the wall on your side of the bed.

Did you know you forgot to put your favorite gold earrings on that night? You left them on the nightstand. They’re still there, don’t worry. Right next to the glass of water you drank half of. 

Do you even remember them…? He got them for you for your first Christmas together. 

There are so many signs of a life interrupted integrated so deeply into his. 

You’re a clock whose hands stopped suddenly at 1:24 AM. 

This sort of haunting is unbearable. You’re not a phantom in his life, though. You’re something so unattainable that he had once but it was taken away with empty promises of return. 

It’s like you’re a shiny diamond hidden away beneath lasers and traps like in those stupid, cheesy spy movies you love so much. 

Do you know what he would give to watch one of those with you in his arms right now? 

Chan feels like he’s banging on the glass of a one sided window, screaming for you to remember him. Meanwhile you’re on the other side only staring into a mirror, trying to pick up the pieces from before. 

Your mom sends him updates on your condition all the time. He knows that you started working at the local library about three weeks ago. 

You had worked there in college before graduating and getting your last job. It was one of your favorite jobs you ever had. That library was so special to you. 

To him too. 

It’s the library where he first met you. 

The same library Chan finds himself in front of now. 

He shouldn’t go in. He can’t go in. He absolutely should not go inside. 

Bang Chan you should not and cannot go inside this library. Under no circumstances should you step foot inside this building where your other half is working. 

Absolutely not. 

The door emits a soft ding when he opens it. Electronic. Quiet. Peaceful. 

There’s a certain type of silence that sits in a library. It’s closer, thicker— warmer. It’s an expected silence. They’re supposed to be quiet. 

Chan can hear his sneakers take every step on the carpeted floor. There’s no one sitting behind the front desk; that’s where you usually were. 

His eyes look all around, but there’s no sign of you anywhere. A few people toddle around the shelves. 

There’s more soft beeping coming from the self checkout. That’s new. They didn’t have that when you worked here years ago. You probably hate it. 

On the day he met you, you were wearing a pair of dark green pants and a black long sleeve shirt. Your hair was clipped behind your head and pieces were falling over your face. 

Chan was only in the library to look for the bathroom. He was on his way to lunch with a friend, but he just had to stop somewhere. The library was the closest option. 

When he had heard the sound of books falling, he investigated and found you in the center of the carnage, the glasses on your nose sat crookedly and you rubbed your head. 

Your eyes met. He was a goner. 

How disgustingly poetic that he finds himself here now. Where he really shouldn’t be. He was quite literally prescribed a restraining order against you. 

Chan meanders around with his hands in his pockets, the silence getting louder and louder the further he gets inside.

Maybe you’re not working today? 

No one is anywhere to be seen. He’s checking down all the aisles but he doesn’t see you anywhere. 

Maybe it’s for the best that you’re not here. He’s not supposed to see you anyway. He’s breaking the doctor’s rules by doing this anyway. 

He needs to leave. He needs to get out of here. 

His feet stop in front of the very aisle where he saw you for the first time. 

Empty. 

You-less. 

If he thinks hard enough, Chan can picture you in front of him, laughing quietly with the most adorable, embarrassed blush on your cheeks. 

What a moment. 

Is it possible to spend eternity in that moment? Obviously internal clocks can be rewound, paused, flipped every which way; can he go back to that day? Can he go back to the day where every single poem suddenly made sense?

He would take any day, really, any day that had you in it. Birthdays, holidays, late night dates, Hell, he’d even take a day where he only saw you when you dropped off a drink for him in his studio. 

Anything, he would take anything just to see your smile bloom on your face while he watches.

“Can I help you find something?”

His breath catches in his throat, it feels like he’s physically punched in the chest. That voice. That beautiful, melodic voice. He hasn’t heard it in person in months, only in videos he had on his phone. 

Slowly, Chan turns to face the source of his favorite pitch. 

His throat immediately tightens. 

There you are. You. Beautiful you. 

Standing right there. Looking at him like a complete fucking stranger. 

“I…” his voice is hoarse. Chan can feel the tears in his eyes begin to form. He didn’t think this through, did he?

You’re staring at him expectantly, waiting for him to say anything. You’re waiting, come on, Chan. Speak up. Say something. 

Looking up at the shelf, you look back down at him with a smile. “A history guy, hm?”

No.

“Yeah.”

You giggle. “I always had a thing for History.”

He knows. 

“Really?”

“Mhmm.” You respond with a grin. 

Specifically Ancient Rome. He knows. 

You continue. “Specifically Ancient Rome.”

Chan nods and clears his throat. His palms feel so sweaty. His chest is almost panting. Every single cell in his body just wants to lunge forward and wrap you in a hug. 

He wants to bury his face in your neck and sob while you hold him. He wants to tell you that he missed you so much. He wants to tell you how your pillow is losing the scent of your shampoo. He wants to tell you that he’s been DVR-ing your favorite show so that you can watch it later. He wants to tell you about his day. He wants to kiss you until you’re breathless. He wants you to hear the new song he’s been working on.

But—

“If you need anything, let me know.”

You start to walk away.

Chan feels his heart physically break. It’s happening again. He’s on the other side of that one way mirror. It’s happening again! No, no please. 

His eyes widen, the words get caught in his throat. Fuck, Y/N, please!

“W-Wait!” he says quickly. 

You turn around with a curious look. 

“The Odyssey,” he blurts. “Where uh… where can I find it?”

Your eyes light up. “Oh, I love The Odyssey.”

He knows. You collect different translations of it. 

“I collect different translations of that book, here I’ll show you where it is.”

With a little hop in your step you lead him towards all the classics. 

He watches you like you’re an oasis in the desert— maybe it’s because you are. You’re what he’s been crawling towards for two months. 

You lead him all the way to the shelf where the Odyssey lives. Your nimble fingers reach forward and grab one of the copies. 

Green nail polish. You still paint your nails green. You picked that habit up a year after he met you. 

The memories have to be there, Y/N, they have to be. Chan bought you that first bottle of green nail polish as a joke on Saint Patrick’s Day. 

Y/N, please. 

“This translation is my favorite,” you whisper and hand him the book. 

Chan smiles sadly and takes the book from you, unable to meet your eyes. He knows if he gazes into those gorgeous eyes that he’ll lose it. He’ll fall to his knees and cry. 

“Thank you,” he whispers back. 

You stand there for a moment, he can feel your eyes on his face. He always has been able to tell when you were looking at him, it’s a little, secret superpower. 

From foot to foot, your weight shifts. 

You only do that when you’re confused. Why are you confused? Y/N, are you confused?

“I’m sorry…” you start, sounding so unsure. “You remind me of someone…”

It feels like a defibrillator was hooked up to his chest. Chan’s eyes widen and he finally looks up at you. 

You’re looking at him so carefully. He can see the gears turning in your head. Your tongue pokes out of your lips and wets them. 

Y/N, please. 

“I just… I can’t figure out who. Do I… do I know you? I was—” You stop yourself. 

Fuck. Fuck! What was he supposed to say? Fuck! 

Chan wants to scream. He wants to grab you by the shoulders and cry that he’s your soulmate, that he’s the person that knows you better than anyone else in this world. 

Yes, you do, you do know him. And he knows you. He knows how you take your coffee, what movies make you cry, what color jell-o is your favorite. 

He knows that you never wear matching socks and you always lift your feet when driving over railroad tracks. 

He knows that when you were 6 you ran into the corner of a cabinet and that’s how you got that scar next to your eyebrow. 

Chan knows that your entire life you wanted to be an author but you’re so scared of failure that you decided not to chase after it. 

He knows everything. 

“I just have one of those faces, I guess.” It comes out of his mouth so strained. 

You stare back at him so carefully. Do you see right through him?

“Maybe,” you say slowly. You don’t believe him. He knows that tone. You absolutely do not believe a word he’s saying. “Are you sure?”

Chan swallows, he grips the book in his hand tighter. The lump in his throat almost doesn’t go down, more tears prick at his eyes. 

“I would never forget a face like yours,” he chokes out. 

Your eyes widen and you blush, looking to the side with a smile. You always were a sucker for cheesy compliments. 

After thinking for a second, you reach into your pocket and take out a little slip of paper. 

“Here,” you say after scribbling something down. Holding it out, Chan sees it’s your phone number. He has it memorized. “If you ever need more books to read… or find�� call me.”

Chan takes the paper with a racing heart. He gives you a smile, his dimples showing. “I think I will,” he whispers to you. 

Another few moments pass of you just staring at him before you nod and giggle nervously. “Well, I gotta get back to work, so..”

Chan nods and moves to the side. You walk past him. 

Your perfume curls around him like a blanket and he craves that sweet serenity he finds when he holds you close and breathes you in. 

Three steps after you pass him, you turn around. “Oh, I didn’t catch your name.”.

“Chan,” he answers softly. 

“Chan,” you repeat. It goes right through him. 

Your voice. Your sweet, beautiful, melodic voice. Finally, he heard you say his name again.

“I’m Y/N,” you whisper to him with a friendly smile. 

“Nice to meet you, Y/N.” Chan has to physically force the word ‘meet’ out of his mouth. 

“You too, Chan.”

And with that, you were gone, retreating back into your fortress of papyrus. 

—————————————————————

A bad idea was going into the library that day. 

An even worse idea was texting you the day after to ask how your day is going. 

And then an absolutely fucking idiotic move was asking if you wanted to go to dinner with him. 

And the worst part? You said yes. 

So, now here Chan was, standing in front of the mirror in his bedroom getting ready for what you thought was a first date, but to him was just a dinner date. 

How is he supposed to do this? He’s not, that’s how. 

Chan fiddles with his bracelet right before his phone rings. 

His heart drops when he sees the caller ID, your mother. 

“Ah, fuck…” he whispers before grabbing his phone. Of course you were going to tell your mom, you tell your mom everything. 

“Hello?” he asks warily into the phone. 

“Hi, Chan,” she says slowly, she sounds nervous, why does she sound nervous. 

“How are you? Is everything okay?”

“It’s Y/N…” Her voice lowers. Chan’s heart drops. “Before you panic, she’s okay! It’s um.. she’s getting ready right now… for a date…”

Chan isn’t moving. Yes, he knows you are. He knows it. But words won’t form in his mouth. 

“Channie.. I’m starting to wonder if that doctor isn’t right.. I can’t stand the thought of her finding someone else when you’re waiting for her… I tried to talk her out of it but she just seems so floaty and happy. God, I feel sick to my stomach.”

His jaw clenches. Now or never. 

“It’s with me,” he blurts. 

Your mom goes silent. Then a huge sigh comes out of her mouth. 

“I wish I could say I’m angry,” a little laugh follows it. “I think I’m only angry that you didn’t say something.”

He tells her everything, down to the way he pretended not to know you. 

“Well, you’re going to have to tell her eventually.” Your mom sounds unsure, herself. 

“Or maybe she’ll remember me.”

“What if she doesn’t?”

Chan sits down on the edge of his bed. His eyes are staring at the wall, unfocused. 

She’s right. What if you don’t? 

“Then, I’ll just … do it all again.”

Silence greets him on the other side of the line. Another tiny laugh comes from your mom. “I always knew you two were perfect together. Just like two magnets, you always come towards one another.”

—————————————————————

“I’ve never eaten here before,” you say with a chipper smile on your face from across the table. 

Yes, you have. 

“Really?” Chan asks, taking a sip of his water. 

“I pass it all the time and always wondered how the food was.”

He looks back down at the old menu. 

This restaurant was more than special to him. It’s where he took you on your first date. It’s an old fashioned burger joint with the greasiest, most delicious French fries in town. 

The first time you guys came here, you talked and talked until the place closed. And even after that, you drove around and talked until it was late. 

“I’ve been here a few times, it’s really good. The milkshakes are some of the best I’ve ever had.” Chan’s sweaty hands fiddle with the menu. 

He’s more nervous now than on the first date. 

“What’s the best one?” you ask with a smile. 

A small laugh comes out of his nose. “The peanut butter one.”

It was your favorite. 

“Yeah but then you can’t have any,” you say so nonchalantly, looking down at the menu. 

His eyebrows knit together. “What?”

“‘Cause of your allergy.”

He stops. 

You stop. 

He has a peanut allergy. Chan has a peanut allergy. 

His lips purse like he’s going to say something but you beat him to the punch. 

“I’m sorry,” you blurt out. “I… I don’t know why I thought that.” Your hands grip the menu a little tighter. “Maybe I’m thinking of someone else?”

Chan shakes his head. “No, no, it’s okay. I… I do have a peanut allergy. Maybe I said something before?”

You stare at him for a long second before looking back down at the menu once more. “Yeah… um. Maybe.”

He definitely did not say something. 

Dinner continues on. Chan listens to you talk and pretends he’s never heard your stories before and he tells you ones he knows he’s said before. 

The entire time, you were beaming at him, just like you used to before the accident. Your face never loses its constant happy glow. He’s not sure that the muscles in your face know how to frown.  

You’re the last two people in the restaurant. The staff doesn’t seem to mind. Maybe they recognize you both. Maybe. 

A lull dips into your conversation. Both of you know you should leave. Neither wants to. Especially the broken man sitting across from you. 

Chan takes the last sip of his drink. The bill has been paid for about an hour at this point. You’re looking down at your lap with a pink flush on your cheeks. 

You bite your lip and look up at Chan carefully. 

“Are you… are you sure I don’t know you, Chan?”

He stares at you. Did you know that you always bite your lip like that when you’re confused? 

“I just… I really feel like I know you. There’s just…” you pause, trying to find your words. He knows you want to tell him about the accident. He knows you want to say it but you don’t want to weird him out. 

What the fuck is he supposed to do? What is he supposed to tell you? 

“Something happened to me a little while ago, my brain’s been… fuzzy since then,” you explain shyly. “I know you said you don’t know me but I just… I can’t help feel like that’s not true.”

Chan’s jaw clenches, his knee bounces anxiously underneath the table. His head turns to the side in his typical nervous tick. 

Your mother’s words echo in his mind, his tongue suddenly feels like it’s swelling to the size of his mouth— making him unable to speak. Should he tell you? Is it now or never?

“I don’t mean to make it weird, Chan.”

He licks his lips and opens his mouth. 

Your phone rings. 

A sigh of relief comes from deep within Chan’s chest. 

Reluctantly, you pick up the phone and hold it to your ear. “Hello? …. No, I didn’t know…. Yeah, of course…. Sure… Yeah, see you tomorrow.”

Just as quickly as you answered the phone, you hang up. 

“Sorry,” you mumble. “Someone called out of work for tomorrow, they need me to come in.”

“Do you need to get going?” Chan asks, looking down at the time. It’s well past 10 o’clock. 

A sad smile crosses your face. “I mean… probably.” The time on your watch flashes back at you. He can tell you don’t want to go home yet. 

“Come on, Y/N, I’ll walk you home.”

Chan’s already standing up from the table, picking his jacket up off the back of his chair. You watch his movements and slowly get up, your movements screaming reluctance. 

—————————————————————

It’s three dates later when the two of you are walking down the street towards your house. It’s only a few blocks from here, but you both decide to take a tiny detour through the local park. 

“I have to say I’m a little excited to meet your friends,” you giggle. “I hope that’s not weird.”

You already have. 

“It’s not weird at all. I’m sure they’d like you.” Chan nudges your arm with his elbow, his hands staying in his pocket. 

“Changbin sounds like a blast.”

He was your favorite before.

“The two of you…” Chan thinks over his words carefully. “The two of you would definitely cause some mischief.”

And you have. 

A tiny lull of comfortable silence falls over the conversation. 

Both of you meander towards the swings. A cold wind blows through the air but neither of you react to it. 

With a tiny giggle, you sit down on one of the swings and hold onto the chains on the side. 

You are just so… you. You’re just your authentic self. Amnesia or not, you haven’t changed a bit. It’s so charming.

“I can’t remember the last time I went on the swings.” You start to move your body back and forth, not too much but enough to get the tiny thrill the toy brings. 

Chan walks up and stands next to you, his hand coming out and grabbing at the chain of the swing next to yours. 

The brightest smile stretches over your face. 

God, it really doesn’t take a lot to make you smile, does it? He guesses that means it doesn’t take a lot for him either since he smiles when you do.

He can’t help it.

He watches you move back and forth, the cold breeze kicking up a bit more and blowing dead leaves across the sidewalk. 

“What’s wrong, Chan? Allergic to swings?” you tease. 

He rolls his eyes with a smirk. “No, I just far more enjoy watching you have fun.”

Your cheeks flush. If he didn’t know you, maybe he would’ve chocked it up to the cold. But he knows the difference between your blush and the elements now. 

“You’re a smooth talker, Bang Chan.”

“It comes easy with you, Y/N L/N.”

Another laugh from you. 

“Shameless flirt.”

He puts his hand on his chest in mock hurt. “Ouch! I just speak the truth, that’s all. Not my fault I like seeing you blush.”

Every word that comes out of his mouth feels so natural. If he really thinks about it, he’s in a weirdly unique situation. Not many couples get to start over, to feel those butterflies again. But here he is, his palms starting to get sweaty as he imagines kissing you. 

Would you call it a first kiss? Maybe. 

It has been four dates. It wouldn’t be.. inappropriate to kiss you, would it? The two of you kissed on your third date a few years ago. 

He wants to kiss you so bad. 

Should he? Shouldn’t he? God, why is this so hard?

Chan reaches out and grabs the chain of your swing, pulling it to a very gentle stop. 

“Uh oh, fun police,” you tease and look up at him with a grin. 

Looking down at you, Chan allows his eyes to look over every detail of your face that he already had memorized. You haven’t changed at all except the new scar on the side of your forehead from the accident. 

It’s the same eyes, same nose, same chin that he fell in love with so long ago. 

The same asymmetrical eyes that you’re so self conscious of but he loves. Your hair is wind blown and splayed every which way. It adds a childish charm to your features. 

Very carefully, Chan moves his free hand down to cup your cheek. His warm palm soothes your ice cold face. He hears your breath catch in your throat at his touch. 

His thumb swipes over your cheek, fingertips run down the soft lines of your jawline. Eventually his thumb ends up under your chin which he tilts up. 

Your eyes sparkle. They somehow capture the light of the lamps around the playground. But they’ve always done that. 

You’re always so enchanting.

Is this a good idea? 

Is kissing you the best option? 

But does he even have the strength to stop himself now?

Almost three months without feeling your lips on his has been torture, and here he is, with you in his hands and there’s still this nagging feeling that he should stop. 

One look into your eyes quells that anxiety. 

Your eyes keep flickering down to his own lips, the shaky breath you let out is hot against his fingers. Everything feels warmer compared to the air outside. 

He can’t take it anymore. 

Chan leans down and presses his lips to yours. They’re warm and slightly chapped.

But, my god, he’s never felt anything this heavenly before. It’s like his entire body unwinds. Like a fire was lit inside his stomach. 

He moves his hand to the back of your head and keeps your lips pressed against his. Your head tilts to the side slightly. It’s just like he remembers. 

It’s just the first kiss, he can’t let himself get carried away. He can’t. 

He can’t let his fingers wind through your hair. He can’t melt into your touch on his cheek. He can’t let himself drown in your lips. 

But he is. 

He’s letting you consume his very soul in one kiss. 

How can something feel so healing yet hurt so badly at the same time? It’s like you’re ripping open a wound and bandaging it at the same time. 

No matter how hard he tries, he can’t bring his lips away from yours. Your hand slides down to caress his jawline with those soft, manicured fingers. 

Your lips open and close over his like mirror images. The feeling shoots straight down into Chan’s gut. It’s like the first time for him all over again. 

Those butterflies are going insane in his stomach. Your scent kicks up in the wind and he can’t help but take a large breath through his nose. 

God, he can’t stop himself. It feels too good. 

His hand moves from the back of your hair to cup your cheek and bring you closer. 

He immediately stops. 

Why is your face wet?

Chan pulls away from the kiss and looks down at you with concern written all over his expression. 

You’re crying. Why … why are you crying?

Your eyes open and you look at him confused. 

“Chan?” you whisper. You’re confused too. What?

“Why are you crying, Y/N?” he asks with a thick voice.

Your eyes widen and your own hand comes up to swipe at your cheeks. Sure enough, you’re met with tears. 

“I… I don’t know,” you say so quietly. “I-I’m not sure.”

Chan starts backing away, your eyes snap to focus on his. Your hand shoots up to grab at his to keep him there. You’re still so confused. 

Emotions are flying through your eyes. It almost looks like someone is clicking a light switch on and off in the back of your mind. A lightbulb is flickering in your soul like a dying neon sign in an old shop window. 

Every muscle in your face is twitching.

What’s happening?

“Channie—“ your own voice cuts off by a sob. 

Chan’s heart jumpstarts. You haven’t called him that… not in two months… that’s what you and your mother called him before the accident. 

Are you…? Are you remembering? What’s happening?

Please. 

Slowly, your hand falls from his. 

Chan stays there, unmoving like a statue. What’s happening inside your mind right now? It looks like you’re reaching and reaching for something that you can’t quite put your finger on. 

He's watching you struggle. It’s like when you can’t remember a word. It’s right there. It’s on the tip of your tongue.

You gulp, your eyes leave his and you look down at your lap. The dirt crunches under your feet as you shuffle your shoes around.

Chan swipes his thumb over your cheek, brushing away the tears. He’s biting back his own. 

“It’s okay—“ “I’m sorry—“ are both said at the exact same time. 

He knew it was coming. He knows you. But you don’t know him. Not anymore. 

But you do.

“It wasn’t the kiss. I—“ 

“It’s okay, Y/N.”

You know him. 

“Chan, I really loved the kiss.”

Chan. Not Channie. 

He brushes his thumb over your lips. “It’s okay,” he repeats gently. “You don’t have to explain.”

His other hand comes up and tucks a loose strand of hair behind your ear. Your eyes slide shut at the sensation. 

Your bottom lip quivers and you pull it into your mouth and bite it. With a tight swallow, your throat bobs. 

“It happens sometimes,” you whisper. “It’s from the accident I had.”

Chan continues to soothingly rub your skin with his thumb. Slowly, he kneels down to be in front of you rather than leaning over. 

The dirt is cold on his knee. It seeps through the fabric of his pants. He couldn’t care less. 

“You don’t have to talk about it,” he whispers back to you. 

You shake your head gently, your hands folding in your lap. “No, no. I… I want to tell you. I need to tell you. It’s been happening more and more whenever I’m around you. It’s like every touch, every word you say bounces around my brain and makes me feel the worst case of deja vu.

“Every time I’m with you I feel like I’m trying to recall a dream I had last night but I just can’t remember what it was.”

You’re rambling. You only ramble when you’re overwhelmed and scared. 

“Chan, every time I’m with you it feels like some part of me is screaming to be let out.”

Your eyes open and you stare right through him. Chan feels his heart squeeze and almost stop completely. Despite your best efforts, the tears keep coming. 

“I was in a car accident a few months ago. I had such a severe concussion that I lost the last five years of my memory.” 

How is your voice so even?

Chan’s jaw clenches. Fuck fuck fuck. 

He knows. Yes, Y/N. He knows. Fuck, does he know! If anyone fucking knows, it’s him. 

“I—“ he starts but you cut him off. 

“Please,” you choke out and take a deep breath. “And since then I’ve been getting bits and pieces of my memory back. Sometimes they’re in large chunks, other times they just … come back.

“When I try to think about my life before the accident. There’s this… person there. Someone important. Someone so, so important that it physically hurts me to think about how I don’t know who it is. They’re a constant. And I love that they’re a constant.”

Your hand comes up to clutch at your jacket right over your chest. 

More tears come out of your eyes. The whites get more pink the more they flow. 

“But I know them. I do! I know them like I know the back of my hand. I-I know they love music. I know they take milk and sugar in their morning coffee. I know they don’t get enough sleep at night.”

Louder and louder your voice gets as you grow sadder and sadder. The sobs between thoughts wrack your chest. 

Him. You’re talking about him. 

Chan’s hands hold your face gently. His thumbs can’t keep up with how much you’re crying. 

Nothing has ever hurt this bad. 

You know him. You just don’t know it’s him. 

Nevertheless, you continue. “I remember that they have the most obnoxious phone alarm in the morning. I remember the passcode to their phone is 032518. I know that they have this one black sweatshirt that I love to steal even though it’s their favorite.”

Chan’s own eyes begin watering, he can’t stop it. You know him. You know him. You’ve remembered him this whole time and you didn’t even know it. 

You reach up and grab one of his hands and place it on your heart. Underneath your jacket, he can feel your heartbeat thudding violently against your chest. 

That same heartbeat he’s been dying to listen to while you play with his hair and tell him about your day. The heartbeat he would give anything to hear as he falls asleep. His throat gets tighter and tighter. 

“I’ve been surrounded by bits and pieces of a ghost and no one wants to help me. No one will tell me anything, and I’m so confused, Chan. I can tell that there’s something that everyone is avoiding telling me.”

A gust of wind picks up through the playground. It nips at his cheeks. It’s now he realizes how many tears are falling. 

A sob tears from his throat. 

You grip his hand tighter. 

“Tell me It’s you, Chan.” You’re begging. You’re actually begging while keeping his hand pressed against your heartbeat. 

“Tell me that you’re the person that I see in my dreams. Tell me you’re the one that loves when I draw hearts on the bathroom mirror after I shower. Please tell me that you’re the one that loves the smell of lemon cookies but can’t stand the taste.”

Oh, god, Y/N.

“Tell me that you’re the one that wanted to pick me up from the party that night but I said no.”

He breaks. 

He breaks right down in front of you. Every single ounce of self control leaves his body and he grabs you out of the swing, yanking you towards his body and holding you against his chest. The emotions that were being kept at bay come out like a raging storm. 

He falls backwards into the dirt, you come crashing into him. Your arms wrap around him at the same time he wraps around you. 

Chan buries his face in your neck, one hand on the back of your head and the other firmly around your waist. 

Wails leave his mouth as he holds you to him. They’re deep and come from the very depths of his soul. The wound that’s been open for months is bleeding.  

Every lonely night. Every dinner where he cooked for two instead of one by accident. Every long day he came back to an empty apartment. It’s all coming out. 

You’re crying just as hard as he is, both of your hands gripping the back of his hoodie like a lifeline. 

Your body in his arms is like a piece of a puzzle. Like he’s the dusty one sitting on his dining room table and you finally came in and finished it. 

Weeks and weeks of grief come crashing down on him. He can’t lie anymore. Not to you. Never to you. 

“It is me,” he cries into your neck, his hand running over the back of your head, feeling your hair slip through his fingers. It’s just like he remembers. “It’s all me, Y/N, It’s me.”

Your cries get louder, your body starts shaking in his arms. 

“I’ve missed you, Y/N,” he cries harder. “Fuck, I’ve missed you so much. I missed my girl. Oh my god, I’ve missed you.”

Chan can’t pull you close enough, he can’t get you close enough to his body. You shift around and press yourself into him. 

“I’m so sorry, Y/N. I’m so sorry I didn’t pick you up that night. I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you. I’m so sorry you got hurt.” 

Every ounce of grief is surfacing and clawing its way out of his throat. 

“I’m sorry I had to lie to you these last two weeks. I’m so sorry, Y/N. I was so broken without you. I broke the doctor’s orders. I needed to see you, Y/N.”

Despite how hard he has you gripped against him, you manage to pull away slightly. You sit up in his lap and look down at his red, tear soaked face. His eyes are puffy and his chest is sputtering with sobs. 

Both of your hands cup his cheeks and swipe away the tears the same way he did for you only a small bit ago. There’s a sad smile on your face. 

“Please don’t apologize, Channie, it’s okay. I forgive you.”

Channie. You called him Channie.

He cries harder and buries his face into your chest. Your arms immediately come around him and keep him there, fingers threading into his hair. 

You’re still crying. Both of you are. 

“I know you were just doing what you were told to,” you whisper into his hair. He can hear your voice reverberate in your chest. 

All he can do is cry. 

Months of build up led to this moment. Endless days of going through the motions just for the next to be as dull and tedious led to him falling into you in the middle of a playground at night. 

The only thing you do after that is hold him. You press kisses to the top of his head and whisper that you forgive him over and over. 

Each one adds a stitch to the wound, shutting it.

You’re finally in his arms. You’re finally back where you belong. 

“I missed you,” he says again, his cries dying down. He doesn't know what else to say. There's so much he wants to tell you, but everything dies on the tip of his tongue.

“I missed you too, Channie. My heart missed you so much.”

He sniffles and looks up at you. You pull your sweatshirt sleeve up and wipe away his stray tears gently. 

“Every day it just felt like something was missing. It was you. You were missing.”

Chan can’t find any words to say. He just stares at you. 

"I don't care how long it takes to remember, or even if I never do. I need you by my side for it, Chan."

His eyes sparkle at you for a moment but he leans up and captures your lips with his once more. It feels even better than the previous one.

The two of you relish in the contact, holding each other close and clinging to the closeness of it all.

It's taking everything within Chan not to start crying again. He's worried than any moment now, he'll wake up and this will all be some cruel dream.

But when you pull away from his lips, and he opens his eyes-- you're still there. You're still in his arms and smiling at him like you always did.

The burn is soothed.

“If you think about it,” you start with a tiny smile. “We’re lucky— in a way.”

His entire face screws up, even more confused. “Lucky?”

“How many people get to say they fell in love with the same person twice?”

Chan blinks twice before it feels like his entire body thaws. 

You and your glass half full attitude. He’ll never fucking get enough of it. 

His arms wrap around you again, bringing you down into his chest. You let out a breathy giggle 

“You’re never leaving my sight,” he breathes out. “Never again, baby, never.”

“I don’t ever want to, Channie. I never will.”

[loafbreadcake]

talking about father again

I don't know why I keep talking about him

After the job trip with his colleagues he seems more depressed and he's talking quieter but he looks like he's constantly on the verge of exploding and/or crying. Because he technically kind of is.

He hasn't been going to work too much for a few days and, today for example, it seems to me like he drank all day too.

I'm not critiquing him I just don't know how to feel about this. He told me over calls how much he hates the trip, that he's too old to go on trips like this and that he wants to go home I'm not sure what happened

I feel so bad saying this I'm so sorry but it extremely annoys me to talk to him. Especially when he's drunk. He doesn't listen (even more so), he doesn't make sense, he can be really loud, really angry, starts going up to me and talking to me about kind of strange subjects

And again I feel bad cus technically the things he says aren't that bad?

Like he just keeps repeating how much he loves and misses me.

But it's so annoying. I literally got back from my running practice at around 7pm, like I often do and have been doing for like a year and he started almost sobbing and kept asking where I've been gone? It's not like he doesn't know we literally walked together before my practice and my coach picked me at 5pm in front of his eyes and I always practice for 1h 30mins-2h

Father also kept repeating and begging for me to never leave him? Then asked why I didn't text or call?? I never do because I physically can't bro I'm literally running

Then I was eating my dinner and just sat new to my parents cus idk I thought I needed to. I even tried to make small conversation. There was some kind of news stories on tv about crazy people hurting others and my father just kept repeating and repeating that I don't ever even think about going anywhere alone in the dark and I answered "I never do but okay I understand" I have no idea what was going on with him he kept getting even angrier like he was arguing with me and just kept pestering me, repeating the same thing and I just repeated to him the same thing as well. This probably doesn't seem too bad but bro it's unbearable to talk to him when he's like this. Again he was like arguing on purpose even though I wasn't even disagreeing with him? Well he was drunk so that's probably why

Then, almost through tears, he said that if something happened to me he would kill himself. Which like wow thanks? I don't want to hear this shit

And AGAIN I feel bad cus he's saying all these things cus he loves me and wants to spend time, wants me to be safe and he's most likely incredibly depressed but the way he says all these things man I can't

All I can do is hug him back, reassure him that I understand what he's saying and when he says "I love you" I can say "Me too" But I feel incredibly painfully guilty because I'm not sure if I really do. I feel ungrateful to my father because he does care deeply about me but I wish he wouldn't. And I don't know what to do about all this.

Anyway, he did lots of other things today too like petting our dog one second and then yelling at her to get out the next

This is so dumb I just have to be grateful to have a caring father at all but yet again I really wish he wouldn't make me his life purpose and center. I don't think people should make other people their lives' purposes in general. That's very unhealthy in my opinion.

But I guess for a depressed man who had a hard lonely life he doesn't really have anything else. I should just shut up and be grateful. I'm sorry I really am. I wish my father would go to some kind of group therapy for men or something. It actually pains me to see or even picture him crying. I'm sorry

I'll be gone for 2 days for the race I mentioned, so maybe things will fix themselves a bit somehow idk

This is my father's favorite song or at least one of them. It's a very good old song by a nice old band

[himebushou]

A quick update; some more thoughts on Shaman King 2021 — and this time, it's Episodes 33-37!

Episode 33

The last instalment of Mt Osore La Voile and wow... I was just on the verge of weeping the whole time. It's so sweet to see the reciprocated feelings between Yoh and Anna (and the fact that Yoh was the one who doki'd first? 2001 made their relationship feel a bit one-sided, somehow) and this flashback makes it pretty clear that no, Yoh loves his bride-to-be a looot.

The revelation that Anna can read minds is one that I have to come to grips with because it raises questions about everything that's gone before; I think the lack of foreshadowing makes it a bit iffy but whatever, it just really illustrates how much of a powerhouse Anna is.

But damn — the origins of the 1080 beads and Yoh's necklace? My heart...

I love Matamune. I am so sad about what passed between him and Hao and how he holds it in his heart even now... I'm trying not to scroll through the Shaman King tag too much in order to avoid spoilers but sheesh, it's hard when I wanna reblog fanart! But yeah, I definitely love Matamune... sobs...

The ending poem really got to me. I loved the way it was sang.

Episode 34

HOROHORO REMAINS THE COOLEST

And that just makes it seem like I'm making a lousy joke but for reaaaalll, he's such a cool character — "I suck at math!" — and a good person, guh!

And his dad just being right there?? What??

(Glad to see Pirica finally getting some screen time; she was so much more prominent in 2001.)

And poor Ren being traumatised at the thought of being Sleeping Beauty'd good grief HIS EXPRESSIONS ARE TOO FUNNY

Ren: As far as I'm concerned, I owe you another one

Yoh: But if you died, how would I call in those favours?

SCREAMNS. YELLS. WHAT AN EXCELLENT DYNAMIC.

Episode 35

KOORI NO SEKAIIIII. Hyoutei intensifies!

Love the way Horohoro (the coolest) pulled off that combination attack — and I think it says a lot about his power that he flawlessly worked with strangers' spirits. Once again, he is just a top-notch kid.

Marco has issues, man. Why is he always hitting Lyserg fjgkfk MARCO STOP

And my first intro to Gandhara! They definitely have a presence! I can't wait to see more of them!

Ooft. I did wonder if the babies' dad might've been killed by Joco.

Mikihisa is still adopting everyone.

Episode 36

I saw a post that reflected that all of the past few episodes have taken place on the SAME DAY and wow, what a wild day it's turning out to be!!

I literally cannot believe my job is keeping me from watching more Shaman King right now SOBS

But bloody hell!!! Muntzer possessing Seyrarm the whole time? MY JAW DROPPED

Team Bleeding / Dying / Throwing Up showing up to save the day at the end OH MY HEART

Episode 37

Hao just. Hopped away. Just like that. We didn't even see him leave. He was just gone.

Wow... so everyone is gonna die and be reborn again to boost their mana, huh? Gandhara are pretty kind to be freaking healing everyone every 5 seconds (though! It wasn't explicitly stated that Yoh was healed by them so huh, maybe our boy did manage to heal himself after all).

Man, Joco losing his eyesight... his upgrade was seriously cool.

The Golem arc wrapped up a bit toooo quickly, but it was still good stuff! There was a lot of drama and it was nice (?) to see Lyserg work with the team... but I have to say that the X-Laws are freaking lenient to be letting him run off all the time, lol

And it's nice to have clarification that Anna can't read minds anymore!

Phew... Manta. It's hard to take the depth of his and Yoh's friendship that seriously because he spends so much time getting overwhelmed by the situation, complaining ("Why didn't Yoh tell ME about his past?") and just plain running away. The friendship has probably been one of the victims of the intense pace but... I know Manta is Yoh's first human friend, but the poignancy just doesn't feel like it's there, which is really sad.

And even Yoh is a bit of a funny one. I love him a lot but it feels like his values flip-flop depending on who he's talking to; his ideals seem to change according to what works for the narrative in that very moment. And then you have Anna (and occasionally Ryu or Ren or someone) giving a speech about why Yoh is so powerful, and sometimes it lands, but other times... boyo's values feel they lack conviction (probably because, "Everything will work out in the end."). And while that is SUPER understandable for a 14-year-old, it is a bit distracting for a protagonist...

So while I loved the Yoh of the flashback, I wish that I could really love the Yoh of the actual Shaman Fight...

I still have 10+ episodes left, so I hope I get hit with a wave of emotion!

Oh, and Lyserg has very Lelouch-like features. The chin!

[un-sphere]

everything sad is so big

[photmath]

Reine - Chapter 5

Chapter 5: Hands and Clay

Summary: Your twin brother was getting ready to travel the world and what better way to send him off than a week-long get together with him and your friends in a remote town in France.

Pairing: Kylian Mbappe x Reader

Word Count: 5.1k

Warnings: cursing, accidental arousal, mentions of sex, a lot of fluff

A/N: What a final that was yesterday, I am still at a loss words. If you want to be in the taglist, don’t be afraid to comment or message me! I added everyone who recently commented but oh gosh I got quite a couple so if I missed you, please let me know. I meant to post this a lot earlier today so I apologize, but happy reading!

Kylian’s arm was draped across your torso, your back pressed against his front and his leg intertwined with yours. You pat his arm to slowly get him to wake him up but that only makes him pull you closer to him. His body felt so warm against yours that you released a content sigh. You close your eyes to get a little more rest but the bedroom door swings open.

“Hey!” Ana greets. Your eyes shoot open and Kylian next to you jolts and presses his arm deeper into you, making you groan in slight pain. Ana’s jaw drops, “Wow. I don’t know what I expected to see here, but it definitely was not this. Cute pants, Reinita.” Her face pulls into a smirk.

You were in shock seeing Ana here without a notice but also excited because she was able to make it after all.

Kylian shuffles around from behind you and buries his head into the pillows.

You give Kylian a light smack on his arm with your hand, “You didn’t even lock the door last night?”

“I thought I did,” he grumbles back a muffled response.

Ana comes into the bedroom and places her backpack on the floor before running to the bed and giving you a hug, “Reinita, I missed you so much!”

You wrap your arm lazily around hers with a small smile, “I missed you too, I didn’t know you were coming in today.”

“I wanted to surprise you,” she says. “But I can’t stay long.”

You frown, “When are you leaving?”

Ana gives Kylian a push and he rolls over towards the wall with a grunt. Ana scoots into the space between you and Kylian, propping herself against the headboard. Kylian was laying on his stomach with his head in between his arms staring down at the bed.

Ana pinches his arm, “Hey, Kyki, I’m glad to see you missed me too.”

He groans, “I have missed you but it’s seven in the morning.”

“It is seven fifty,” Ana rolls her eyes. “Anyways,” she turns back towards you, “I leave tomorrow evening.”

“Aww, but that is so early.”

“I know, but I have to do a few more things around the venue and then it’s final,” Ana sighs. “And I hear the guys are hungover.”

“Not me,” Kylian raises his arm.

Ana looks towards him, “So proud of you.”

You chuckle at her sarcasm, “Be nice to him, he did miss you.”

“Do you want a hug too, Kyki?” She teases and jams her finger into his shoulder.

“No,” he groans and scoots closer to the wall.

Ana smirks, “So how did this come to be?”

You go silent as you hold a grin from escaping. You couldn’t wait to tell Ana about what was going on between you and Kylian, but now that she was here in front of you, it seemed that all your words escaped you. It certainly didn’t help that Kylian was an ear away.

“Coffee?” You suggest, getting up, but Ana grabs your arm and pulls you back down.

“No, no, dígame,” tell me. Ana says.

“I took your advice, I was nice,” you shrug.

“And that had you two cuddling?”

“Well not exactly, we talked it out. I got my part out and he got his part out and uh…yeah, here we are.”

Ana raises her eyebrows, “You are the worst storyteller ever, Reinita.”

You roll your eyes, “I mean it wasn’t exactly fairytales and rainbows, I sobbed the first night here. And then I cried again later that night—and then I was on the verge of tears again last night. I even panicked at one point to Simone.”

Ana looks towards Kylian and nudges him, “Did you tell her you liked her since she was thirteen?”

Kylian perks his head up at the same time, his eyes squinting and searching for yours, “You cried twice the first night?”

“Wait,” you pause. “You knew he liked me?”

Ana looks back at you, “Reinita, everyone knew, except you.”

“No one was going to tell me?”

“You cried twice?”

Ana puts her hand up to shush you both, “He gave you flowers for Valentine’s when we were fourteen!”

“But he gave you and the rest of the girls a daffodil too,” you retort.

“But he gave you the bouquet,” she points out and you look at Kylian, who is still looking back at you with a hint of concern in his face.

“Okay,” you say. “Maybe I was a bit blind but I had my reasons.”

“When did you cry?” Kylian asks, his eyes now burning back into yours. He had his elbows propped up, holding his head up.

You groan, “After I left the closet, I went to the restroom and cried.”

“The closet?” Ana asks.

You watch as Kylian's face falls and you immediately reach over to touch his forearm, “But I’m okay, I’m okay. It was just a lot and I needed to let it out.”

He nods his head and gives your fingers a kiss before you pull back. Ana smiles, “That was really cute, but Kyks I told you telling her you liked her since she was thirteen was not the right approach.”

He rolls his eyes and drops his head into his hands.

You look at the both of them, “Wait, did you guys plan this out?”

Ana shakes her head, “No, Reinita. He always used to ask me how you were doing and what was new with your life anytime we would all be together. Then, he would say how he would eventually approach you at a party one day and would ask for suggestions.”

You facepalm yourself. You weren’t upset that the two of them talked behind your back, it was just slightly embarrassing. Kylian and Ana were relatively good friends and it didn’t bother you. Ana would tell you every now and then that Kylian would ask how you were doing but you never thought much of it.

You feel the bed move and look up to see Kylian scooting off the bed. He grins at Ana and gives her a salute, “I’m going to go make breakfast while you two catch up.”

He walks over to your side of the bed and bends down to give you a kiss on your forehead.

Once he exits, Ana immediately starts kicking her legs, “Oh my god, Reinita.”

“Shh!” You shush her.

Her eyes are wide, “Did you guys do it?”

“No,” you slap her shin, “you dirty whore.”

“Kiss?”

You nod, “Some of that.”

“More?”

“Perhaps.”

She covers her mouth to let out an excited yell, “I cannot believe this. I was expecting this trip to be good for the both of you to finally settle this shit between you both, but this was a bit far. I didn’t think Kyks would muster up the courage to tell you how he felt.”

“What do you mean to muster up the courage? He was so calm and said everything on his mind.”

She shakes her head, “He called me when he was waiting for his flight freaking out! He was so nervous. And then when I told him that I didn’t think I’d be able to make it, he was even more of a nervous wreck.”

There were times when Kylian seemed nervous now that you thought about it, but he was also someone who fought hard for what he wanted. That thought made your heart swell.

He fights hard for what he wants.

“He cried after he apologized,” you say and Ana brings her hands to her heart.

“You see, I told you he couldn’t hurt a fly. I bet he practiced his apology everyday while he showered.”

You cringe, “You told me to be nice and now look at you.”

She laughs, “I’m just happy for the both of you, truly. I mean, how do you feel about this? I can tell by your face that you seem to like it, but also a tiny bit of hesitancy.”

You let out a small smile, “I am happy. Kylian is sweet and I’m glad to have him back in my life. He’s really proving himself right now and even going slow and my heart feels so warm and fuzzy.”

“But?”

You shrug, “I don’t want to go fast.”

“It’s only been three days, right?”

“And we’ve already grinded on each other,” you sigh.

It wasn’t that you regretted last night, but it was just a bit too fast. It was hard to restrain yourself at times because Kylian is attractive. You know that. And every time he touched you it seemed to ignite something deep inside of you that you craved more. You didn’t know how long you could restrain yourself from giving in. Even his innocent touches of kissing your fingers sent shockwaves through your body.

“Grinding? Right here?” she points down. “On this bed?” You nod and she winces, “Ay Dios.”

“He’s just so…sexy, and you know I haven’t had sex in a long time,” you admit and it catches Ana off guard.

She chokes on her spit, “Y/N!”

“I know I sound awful, but it's the easiest way I can say it because I want to learn who he is. Not be dickmatized like I was last time. I don’t want to have clouded judgment…I just want to see the person who he is now.”

She nods, “I understand. Did you tell him this?”

“Yes, and he stopped us from going farther.”

“That’s good. I think you two should definitely be friends first. It’s only been three days—well four starting today—and it’s moving kind of fast,” she says. “A lot can be learned about each other in three days though, don’t get me wrong. You two share the same bedroom and have been in the same house, so it feels like a while. But Reinita, control yourself. I know you have urges but come on, this is sweet, innocent Kylian.”

You laugh, “What about me?”

She lets out a huff, “You’re…sweet, but far more corrupt than him.”

“Whatever!” You laugh and she laughs with you.

“But hey, keep in mind that just because he likes you, follow what you want. Don’t force yourself to like him back if you don’t,” she says and you nod understanding. She was right and you were going to keep it in mind.

“Thank you, Anita,” you give her a side hug. “How are things going with your mom?”

She lets out a loud sigh, “I just cannot wait for it to be over. I’m glad that I was able to help and everything these past days, but it was definitely a lot. She kept asking me how progress was going and I would have to lie so that I wouldn’t freak her out.”

You send her a sympathetic look, “I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay, but let's not worry about it right now.”

There’s a knock on the door that quiets you both down. Kylian opens the door scratching his neck nervously, “Food is ready.”

“Me sorprende que sepa cocinar,” I’m surprised he knows how to cook. Ana jokes and you laugh with her.

Kylian rolls his eyes from the door, “Cállate.” Shut up.

This only seems to make you and Ana laugh harder and you two get up from bed while a small smile escapes Kylian’s lips. Ana leaves the room before you do. Kylian watches you walk slowly towards him and then he breaks out into a grin, “Good morning.”

“Good morning,” you wrap your arms around his waist and draw him in. One of his arms goes around your shoulders while the other wraps around your waist. “I need to brush my teeth.”

“Okay,” he lets you go with his hand lingering on your waist. You walk into the restroom with a stupid smile on your face.

------

“Are you going to Ana’s mom’s wedding?” You ask Kylian. He juggles a football around as the two of you walk. Theo and Laurent stayed sleeping but the girls and Kylian were up taking a walk around the property.

“I’m not sure,” he says. He stops juggling and just dribbles the ball in front of him. He looks towards you with a sad smile, “I might be busy counting my money.”

You slap his arm, “Oh shush.”

He draws his head back in a loud laugh and you admire the way his eyes crinkle. Your arm stays wrapped around his arm while he leans his head down towards you, “Do you want to be my date?”

“I feel like I should be asking you that,” you laugh.

“Why is that?”

You shrug, “Ana’s mom loves me more.”

He rolls his eyes, “She watches all of my matches though.”

“She lets me stay at her house for free if I’m nearby.”

He shakes his finger, “No, no, she made sure her fiancé likes Monaco.” You laugh at the two of you bickering at nonsense. He unloops from your arm to pick up the football. He holds it out in front of you, “Be my date.”

You move the ball and reach him up to give him a kiss, “Okay.”

He chuckles within the kiss and shoves the ball in your stomach and you yelp, “Asshole!”

He runs away sheepishly and goes to Simone and Lili. He squeezes himself in the space right between them and Lili complains, “Ay, Kylian, go away unless you want to hear about sex.”

You laugh as Kylian throws his head back in annoyance, dropping his arms from Simone and Lili’s shoulders. He turns back towards you with a grimace. He stops walking and waits for you to catch up to him, holding out his hand for you to take. You move the football to your other hand and reach out for him.

He gives you a small smile as he brings your hand to his mouth to give them a kiss, “What color is your dress?”

“Navy,” you lean into him for his warmth as he puts his arm around you.

“I have a navy suit,” he says. The two of you continue walking behind the girls and you take in the view. Most of the trees that were around were evergreens and still had their green leaves, but there were a few that were either on the verge of losing all their leaves or still red.

There was also a calm lake, a house on the other end that you hadn’t realized was there because it was out of view from where you all stayed.

“You think their house is super cold like ours?” Kylian asks, him leaning down to whisper into your ear.

You chuckle, “I bet it is. Theo always picks the best places.”

He laughs, “It makes it more memorable.”

You nod your head agreeing, “I suppose that’s true, and it’s building him for the next six months while being alone.”

Kylian pulls you in closer, “He’s going to be fine, he’ll love it all. Is he going to the wedding?”

“Yeah, it’ll be the last time we’ll all be together before we have to return to our lavish lives,” you give him a small smile.

He kisses your forehead, “Don’t be sad.”

“I know, and I know it’ll be okay, but this has been really nice. I’m glad you and I are on good terms and talked it out because this could’ve been atrocious.”

He laughs, “Don’t break my heart like that, Reine.”

“I’m sorry,” you give his side a squeeze. “I don’t mean it like that and you know it, but this really could’ve been so much differently. I’m glad it turned out this way.”

He stops walking and draws his hands towards your face, giving you a tender but meaningful kiss. His long fingers stretched from your cheeks to the side of your head. He pulls back and leans his head against your forehead, “I’m over the moon about this.”

You laugh at his confession, it was cheesy but it was sweet. He grins and steals another kiss from you. He was smiling through the kiss and you couldn’t help but to laugh again because it was difficult kissing his teeth.

He pulls back laughing and you feel your heart warm watching him look so happy.

This was everything for him and he was enjoying every second. Even if it was on the verge of ending, he wasn’t going to focus on that. He wanted to just be in the moment. This had been the longest he hadn’t touched his phone, and it was nice to forget about his obligations for the past few days.

“Okay let’s go back inside, it’s freezing!” Ana yells from the front. The two of you pick up your pace as you all round the house.

Laurent was at the door with sunglasses covering his eyes. Ana sees him and immediately gives him a hug, Laurent winces, “Lord have mercy.”

Theo looks sick standing next to the sink in the kitchen and you laugh, “Good morning!”

“Please, be quiet,” he says and pushes you off of him when you go to give him a hug.

“Did you know there’s a hot tub here?” Laurent says.

“Really?”

He nods, “I found it earlier when taking out the trash.” He leads you all to the back yard door and opens it. There was a porch that was covered in a clear curtain. There was also a heater that had been buzzing with warmth and it made you shudder. Why had that been outside the whole time instead of in your bedroom?

“Oh wow,” you say surprised. The jacuzzi was already on and warming up, Laurent must’ve turned it on.

Laurent gives a pleased smile, “I will be here for the next hour.”

You look back at Kylian and he’s already looking at you with a grin. The two of you weave between the three girls and run upstairs. He’s laughing behind you as he pulls your hand to draw you back. He slips into the bedroom first.

You laugh, “You ass.”

Kylian turns around, leans down to give you a kiss on your cheek, “I’m sorry. Kind of.”

“There was no need for that,” you say, trying to make him feel more guilty but he isn’t faltering.

He shrugs and then grabs a pair of black football shorts from his bag in the closet, “I’ll change in the restroom.”

He slaps the pair of shorts against your back and you let out a laugh, “Go.”

He leaves and you let out a momentary groan. You didn’t have any swimming clothes except a pair of cotton Nike shorts and what…a long sleeve black shirt that was cropped?

“Gosh,” you grumble. You throw it on regardless. Being in a hot tub did sound nice and you wanted to join. You throw your hair up and wait for Kylian’s knock.

Once he knocks, you open the door for him and he has a smirk on his face, “Why do you have the face?”

He only draws you in closer. His hands go to your exposed skin on your back and pull you into a hug. He lets out a content sigh while his head is on your shoulder and it sends goosebumps throughout you. His fingers pressing into your back didn’t help. He moves his lips to the exposed skin on your shoulder, leaving gentle kisses behind until he reaches your lips. He kisses you and it nearly makes your knees buckle. Him being tender was absolutely making you swoon.

He taps your back once more before pulling back, “Vamos.”

“Well shit let me catch my breath,” you say and he laughs.

“I love your wit.”

“Thank you, but for real,” you fan yourself to relieve the heat from your face and he leans against the door laughing.

The two of you walk down the hall and stairs into the backyard where everyone was already in the jacuzzi. Laurent and Simone were cuddled up, while Ana and Lili chatted back and forth. Theo was beside Lili with his head leaning against the backboard and you were almost certain he was sleeping but you weren’t going to call him out. He was still coming down from his hangover.

Kylian pulls off his shirt and your eyes scan his back muscles. His thighs were already bulging through his shorts. You let out a breath before staring at the girls to see if they noticed you and Ana wears a smirk. You roll your eyes.

Control yourself.

You get in and Kylian follows behind you. He sits down and looks up at you waiting for you to sit in between his thighs. You had no other choice because the jacuzzi wasn’t that big and Theo’s long legs stretched across to the other side of it.

You take a seat between his thighs and shudder as the water reaches your shoulders. You lean back against him slowly and he wraps one of his arms around your waist.

You listen to the group catch up with Ana on the past three days and you close your eyes in bliss. Theo wakes up and chimes in from here to there, but you stay quiet, listening and enjoying everyone around you.

“Oh, and then Reine and Kylian got locked in the closet,” Laurent points at you two with a laugh on his face.

“How did that happen?”

“The doorknob got jammed,” you say, breaking your silence.

“While you both were in there?” Ana raises her eyebrows.

“This smart ass,” you point to Kylian who wears a foolish grin, “thought it would be smart to try and see what was wrong with it from inside the closet after I had been stuck in it for forty minutes.”

You can feel his chest shake with laughter on your back and it makes you smile.

Ana laughs, “Oh, you’re both idiots.”

Kylian and you laugh, and then you sit up a bit more straight. Kylian’s grip on your waist tightens and you look at him. The grin he just wore gradually fades away as he hides his face in your back.

“What?” You whisper.

“Nothing.” His eyes skim at yours and then you feel it: his boner pressed up against your back.

“Kyks.”

His eyes smile, “I’m trying, Reinita.”

“Gosh,” you let out a laugh. You shuffle around a bit more to try to give him a bit more space and he lets out a throaty groan from behind you. God.

You unclasp your hands and look down at his thighs that encase you, reaching out to touch them. As your knuckles skim the inside of his thigh, his leg jerks inwards.

“Reine,” he warns. His hands find yours and hold them tight. You lean your head back on him while giggling. He was still hard behind you but you no longer felt him pressed up against you.

“So I heard about this painting place down the street,” Ana starts, “where you can paint pottery. Do you guys want to try it out?”

“Is this one of those places where you drink?” Laurent asks, earning a groan from Theo.

“I’m not sure,” Ana says.

“I’m down,” Kylian says from behind you. The rest of the group agree. You liked the idea of it as well, it was something that would be nice to commemorate the trip.

------

Kylian strokes your thumb as you two near the place. He parks the car and then walks to the other side to open the door for you. It was around midday but the sky looked gloomy. It was going to rain soon but you all didn’t care to be stuck in the middle of the storm. You were only about ten minutes away from the house so it wasn’t much of a big deal.

The rest of the group were already entering the place as the two of you tagged behind, hand in hand.

The inside was cute and homey. There were shelves of ceramic mugs, plates, bowls, and even vases. The lightbulbs hanging from the ceiling only made the place seem more romantic.

The worker guides you all around a large table and asks what pieces you’d like to start off with. You and Kylian ask for a mug and get to painting.

He lets out a snort, “This little house is not coming together.” He sits across from you and turns his mug to show you. There were shaky black paint brush strokes illustrating a house.

“It looks good,” you indulge.

“You don’t have to lie to me.”

“It has potential, Kyks.”

He laughs, “Show me yours.”

You put down the brush and show him your mug. You were painting dandelions but you weren’t finished yet. You weren’t able to tell if he figured out what it was as his eyes carefully examined it. His eyes perk up with a gleeful look, “The flower.”

You cheese, “Yeah.”

“Aww,” he looks down at the mug again with a grin on his face. His face softens as he looks up at you again, “I want to kiss you.”

You feel the tugging of your heart as he stares at you with his incredibly sweet and gentle eyes. He reaches for your hand and kisses your hand repeatedly. He doesn’t care that the rest of the group are watching you two, or that your fingers are covered in speckles of paint.

You grin when he lets go of your hand and a worker comes by, “Do any of you guys want to try making a bowl or small vase?”

Kylian’s eyes shoot up, “I do, and her.” He points to you and you roll your eyes playfully. You had never messed with pottery a day in your life so this was going to be interesting.

The rest of the group also want to try, and so you all take turns, with the rest staying behind to finish their paintings while you and Kylian are instructed what to do. You and him sit in front of each other with a turning table and aprons.

You wet the clay as instructed and focus on making the shape of a bowl. You glance up to see Kylian’s progress and watch the way his fingers tease at the clay. His eyes are focused as his fingers move in and out of the vase.

Focus. Your body heats at the movement of his hands and you have to let out a breath of air. You ignore your thoughts and focus back on your small bowl. It was coming along even if the edges were crooked.

After the both of you finish, you wash your hands and go back to your paintings.

“That was fun,” you say.

“You looked adorable,” he goes. “You know your tongue sticks out when you focus.”

“No it does not.”

“It very much does. I even took a picture,” he pulls out his phone and shows you a picture of you messing with your clay, and sure enough your tongue peeks out.

“Wow, I never knew that.”

He chuckles, “You used to do that when you were fifteen too.”

“Really?”

He nods, “I’d always see it when we were taking tests.”

Your cheeks heat up with his confession of sneaking glances of you when you weren’t looking. “Oh gosh.”

“My heart almost melted when I saw you still doing it,” he winks and you cover your face with your hands.

“That is so humbling.”

He laughs, “Humbling? How?”

“I’ve never noticed that about myself.”

“Ahh,” he goes. “You’re going to be okay.”

You throw a piece of trash at him and it bounces off his cheek. He scrunches up his face and you laugh, “You look adorable.”

------

You all decided to wind down again with another movie night and you weren’t going to complain, you loved just a calm night.

You and Ana were in the bedroom changing into your sleep clothes.

“Hey, how are the sleeping arrangements going to go?” Ana asks.

“Hmm,” you think. “I don’t think Kylian will mind sleeping on the bottom bed. I doubt the three of us will fit up there, it was a bit tight this morning.”

“I can sleep on the bottom bed.”

You shake your head, “Don’t. It’s uncomfortable and I doubt Kylian will even let you.”

She laughs, “That drama queen, but yeah, it’s only for one night anyway. He’ll be fine.”

You let out a laugh and wait for her to finish changing. You stayed with your pink hearted pants and a gray long sleeved shirt. You weren’t going to freeze by any means.

“What a slutty outfit,” Ana teases.

“Shut up,” you rebut as she chortles.

“You look good, Reinita.”

You shake your head while leaving the bedroom. You don’t even realize who your eyes are searching for until they stop on Kylian, his eyes already on you  sending you a shy smile. He was sitting on the couch with a blanket sprawled around his lap.

You go to the kitchen and grab a cup of hot chocolate, taking an extra for Kylian. You reach him on the couch and hand him a mug. His eyes widened with excitement as if you were giving juice to a little kid. You laugh.

He takes a sip and lets out a satisfied moan, “I love this.”

“It’s called hot chocolate,” you say. You sit down next to him, criss crossing your legs facing his direction.

He looks at you with a fake, dubious look, “Really? I didn’t know that.”

You laugh. His lips spread as he leans closer to you. His eyes looked a bit tired but still filled with joy. His hand lands on your sock and he pinches your toes. You slap his fingers away but they linger on your foot.

“I’ve missed you,” he says sheepishly.

You lean over to give him a chaste kiss on his forehead, “I’ve missed you.”

His eyes flutter looking towards you and then you intertwine your hand with his. He smiles. Your moment is interrupted with Laurent, his hangover long gone.

“We’re going on a boat tour tomorrow!”

You cringe. It wasn't that you weren’t excited, it was just going to be cold! Kylian squeezes your wrist to bring you back from your thoughts, “Yay!”

Laurent raises his hand, “Come on, let's be more excited.”

You all cheer a bit louder and Laurent jumps off the couch to cuddle with Simone. You drink the rest of your hot chocolate and set it down on the coffee table. Kylian does the same and then shuffles around to lay down between your thighs. You link your arms around Kylian’s chest and he rubs your arms before stopping at your hands. He gives your wrist a kiss.

Laurent puts on Avatar and you guys watch the movie in silence. Kylian occasionally caressed your arm throughout the movie and settled one hand around your thigh, pinching at the material. You were sure he fell asleep at one point, not that you cared though.

You were just happy to have him in his arms.

--

(Next part)

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[acidinbubbles]

hiiii! i love your work sm but idk if you're taking request, if sooo here is smth on my mind <3 a headcanon about what it's like being eren best fucking friend (but you're in love with him) and you gotta watch him fall for mikasa as you hype him up to go ask her out and sad stuff like that :( lmao sorry if its weird you don't need to do it obvi <3

AM I GONNA BE AN ANGST AUTHOR OR SOMETHING??? BECAUSE I LOVE THIS. WE CRY LIKE REAL MEN

Being Erens best friend had its pros and cons,

Pros: he always lifted you up when you were down, you did everything together, he always there for you, he was funny, charming, hot, and honestly the bestest friend you could ask for.Cons: It was really fucking hard watching him fall in love with someone who wasn’t you.

You always saw the way he looked at Mikasa you weren’t stupid but apart of you really hoped he didn’t actually like her.So when Eren mentions it to you, you freeze, it’s like your heart breaking into a million pieces.He goes on and on about he’s liked her since they were kids and how as they got older he realized he loved her.You wanted to cry, you wanted to leave his apartment right then and there and never see him again, but that wouldn’t be fair to him. How was he supposed to know you were in love with him?

Instead you force a smile and tell him how happy you are for him, you figure him loving you as a friend was better than him not loving you at all. He starts talking about what he likes about her, her smile, her smell, her attitude, her body, her voice, he loves everything about her. While he’s explaining this to you his face is so red he looks like he’s gonna die, and you really wish you feel happy for him but the truth is you were hurt. With every word he said it was like a piece of your heart was chipping away.

Why couldn’t he see you like that? Was it something about you? Your hair? Your smile? Your body? What was it that you were doing wrong?

It’s not really a surprise when he asks you how he should ask her out yet it still made you want to crawl into a six feet deep hole. Since you were on the verge of tears you simply just looked away and said “I don’t know do whatever feels right? Coffee date?Or some shit like that.” Eren laughed at your response and threw a pillow at you “wow I tell you how I wanna ask out the girl of my dreams and you’re not gonna help? Rude.” Girl of his dreams huh? You forced a laugh back and said you had “forgotten to water your house plant” you were just looking for any reason to get out of there, the room was suffocating. You didn’t really want to hear what Eren had to say or to turn around and see his stupid confused face. He raises a brow as you get your stuff and saying a quick bye before shutting the door on you way out.

You guys lived relatively closed so you walked back to your apartment, all you could do was sob, the snot running down your nose, the cold air filling your lungs as you hyperventilated, crying so hard you could barely see through your blurring vision, you were absolutely destroyed.

As soon as you got into your apartment you kicked your shoes off and shuffled to the bathroom to take a quick a shower since it was the middle of winter and you were freezing after you took an extra slow walk home. When you got out the shower and walked into your room to get dressed, you noticed Eren had texted you. It was probably for you’re nightly call but you had no desire to talk to Eren. He just completely shattered your heart and you couldn’t even be mad at him for it.

One new message

Dumbass <3: call?

Y/N: not today I’m really tired

Dumbass <3: it’s only 9pm?

Y/N : yeah I noticed, gn.

Dumbass <3: gn i guess?

Eren wasn’t oblivious he knew something was up but he didn’t know what. He hadn’t pissed you off or anything recently so why were you acting so cold? He just came to the conclusion that maybe it was something else you didn’t want to talk about and left it at that.

After that very dry conversation you crawled under your covers and cried you cried until you got tired, and then cried until you fell asleep. You woke up the next day to your phone ringing, it was Eren he’d actually called you two times before that so you figured it had to be something important.

“hello?”

“Y/N GUESS WHAT JUST HAPPENED?!”

“What happened Eren”

“I ASKED MIKASA ON A DATE AND SHE SAID YES, I TOTALLY THOUGHT SHE WAS GONNA SAY NO BUT SHE DIDN’T. SHE LIKES ME BACK!”

You felt like you couldn’t breathe like there was no more oxygen left in the world. You sat in silence, you didn’t know what to say, it was like you’re entire world had fallen apart.

“I’m really happy for you Eren, I think I’m gonna go back to sleep.”

“Okay, I’ll call you after my date to tell you how it goes, I’m so happy y/n”

“I’m glad Eren”

You hung up, tears already beginning to form. He’s never going to love you, all you can do is help him fall more in love with her.

And it’s fucking heart shattering.

Hope this fits your needs!

(Not Proof Read)