#and work is an hr and a half after class ends so my dog basically ends up in the crate all day and i feel bad

[fxckinemo]

ughhhh

[scoutshonor56]

American History

Capitalism

 To me, capitalism is one of those concepts that, in theory, is sound and based on common sense.  After all, at its core it is a monetary system of reward for hard work and initiative, often involving significant risk.

Those willing to dedicate and apply themselves are rewarded proportionally, often leading to advancement, growth and prosperity – sounds fair to me.  Certainly everyone, regardless of effort, shouldn’t be rewarded equally.  Many folks, myself among them, are pretty much content to hold down a steady job that provides a modest, comfortable income and at the minimum, some type of health care and some basic “bennies”; everyone is different, and this works out well within the system.

 The problem starts when this system goes unregulated, and the opportunity becomes not fairly available to all.  When over time, this dream becomes a runaway money train with only a small, select group of privileged passengers.  In short, unlimited greed while the rest are exploited; the “rest” are left to build the tracks and walk.  

 So, where did it all begin?  Well, here in America anyways; what gave America the template for big corporations and their punitive relationship with their labor force? There are a lot of facets to the horror and history of human slavery in this country, but to be honest, I was surprised to find out that this was one of them.  I became aware of this thanks to a recent piece featured in the NY Times, which is running a series of stories this month entitled “The 1619 Project” to mark the 400 year legacy of slavery here in America.  It’s quite a lengthy read, so as best I can I will cover the basics, and of course, for the full story in detail you can refer to the article.  

 To lay the groundwork for this blog:  

 Did you know almost half of the American population makes under $15/hr? That middle class wages (when adjusted for inflation) have been stagnant since the late ‘70s while CEO wages and benefit packages have increased exponentially to obscene amounts?  That the number of Americans receiving food stamps has increased 40% over the last ten years, yet we have over twice as many billionaires?  That the richest 1% of America owns 40% of our nation’s wealth, while a larger share of working age people live in poverty here than in any other nation belonging to The Organization for Economic Cooperation and Development (O.E.C.D.)?  

 This impartial organization also rates its capitalist members in the category of worker rights and how easy it is to fire them. As far as worker’s rights, the U.S. shares second to last place with Malaysia, and out of 71 nations, the O.E.C.D. scores our country #1 in ease of being able to fire workers.  In other words, “You’re Fired!” isn’t just our reality show president’s favorite tag line.

 So let’s crack open the history book you won’t find in your average school curriculum, because here in America we much prefer our taught legacies with plenty of smoothing out, touching up, masking of flaws, and finishing with a thick, glossy coat of varnish.  

 There was a time, just before the Civil War, when the Mississippi Valley was home to more millionaires per capita than anywhere else in the United States.  Cotton grown and picked by slaves was the nation’s most valuable export, a font of phenomenal wealth.  New Orleans suddenly had a denser concentration of banking capital than New York City, and the backbone of all this selective wealth was the thriving slave trade, where the combined value of slaves exceeded that of all our factories and railroads.  Can you imagine?  An enterprising person with an entrepreneur’s spirit and ambition finding himself in a new world of seemingly endless natural resources, cheap land, and free labor? Its a capitalist’s Disney World of profit, filled with promises of limitless growth.

 Well, OK, that was hundreds of years ago – what does that have to do with the workings of large, modern corporations today? Well, other than the obvious Golden Rule of Capitalism: maximum productivity out of your workers while spending the least amount of money on wages, health care and benefits…

 Have you ever fired up your PC or laptop at work in the morning only to see yet another memo from management?  A memo that came from your “team leader”, who got it from lower management, who got it from mid-level management, who got it from upper management, who got it from regional management, who got it from the “Big Boss”, who first had to get it OK’d by the BIG, BIG Boss?  Well there you have it, the inner workings and corporate-like hierarchy of a typical slave labor work force on a typical large plantation.

 The owner (or group of owners) supervised a top lawyer, who supervised another lawyer, who supervised an overseer, who supervised multiple bookkeepers, who supervised a group of enslaved head drivers and specialists, who finally supervised hundreds of slaves.  Like today, accountability was foremost and strictly adhered to.  Laborious and complex spread sheets were developed by hand for the first time in American industry, and volumes of data were kept to breakdown all aspects of bale production.  Everything was tracked, recorded, quantified, analyzed, and accounted for, including meticulous record-keeping of a slave’s age, sex, when bought, performance, expected productivity over the years, potential value, breeding history, etc.

 Sound familiar yet?    

 Who hasn’t endured the sweat inducing “performance review”, where you are essentially forced to appear before the low-end management judge to plead for your job, bringing evidence of your worthiness to the company?  You may want to feel lucky that today you might get an upbraiding, maybe a negative mark that will go on your record.  The poor black slave was faced with walking that fine line of performance, where his production must be maintained at a level of competence and profitability without being too much of a pacesetter in the fields; that not only got his fellow workers a cruel beating, but himself included if he (or she) didn’t maintain that level every day.

 More than once over the years, when reading about the millionaires through our history, the billionaires and mega-billionaires of today, I’ve pondered the question: when is enough, enough?  Is there even such a thing as “enough”?  Is there ever a point where you sit back, think about throwing in your cards and spending the rest of your life enjoying your bottomless bank account and investments?  

Kind of a moot point.  A person who had a single billion dollars at their disposal today would have to spend $40 million a year for 25 years before they ran short of cash; which would mean burning through $3 million a month, or over $100K a day.  And that’s just a single billion… I recently read an article that shed some light, or clarity onto this supposition, and according to the author, at some arbitrary point it does become no longer about money.  It becomes all about power and position among your peers.  Your image, your perceived position in this exclusive pack – who are the big dogs at the front of the sled.

 My apologies if you find this all too unsettling, or uncomfortable; in which case feel free to refer to one of those Board of Education sanctioned history books where you can read the softer, more palatable version: how white Europeans came over to the New World, claimed it theirs (in the name of Manifest Destiny), got rid of those indigenous  savage heathens who were ignorant of the one true god and didn’t know how to exploit the land properly anyways, and soon began shipping over the “darkies” from Africa to give them a much more fulfilling life on our cotton and sugar plantations, where they could contently live out their lives singing happy spiritual songs in the fields and enjoying a higher standard of living, thanks to the largess and Christian charity of “the masta’”. For those interested in the harsh truth, you can check out all of the chapters in this series so far at The 1619 Project.

[mahalzevran]

DA 20+ Questions

Tagged by @antivan-surana​ thanks! Tagging @situationnormal​ @the-dread-doggo​ @acepavus​ @aroundofgwent​ @lakambaeni​ @kxnways​ @fuckbioware​ (no pressure ofc) and anyone who wants to?

The rest is under a read more because it’s long

01) Favourite game of the series?

Origins, only because you got less and less op as a mage as the games went on. I love all the games tbh.

02) How did you discover Dragon Age?

My friend got my sister into it. They kept talking and talking about it so finally I was like “ok lets see what the big deal is” and here I am now

03) How many times you’ve played the games?

I’ve done Origins twice fully, DA2 four times fully (omg I didn’t realize this until now lol) and DA:I just once fully. I have one unfinished playthrough of Origins with a Cousland, and I’m in the middle of maybe two of DA:I. I think I’ve gone back and replayed certain parts of both Origins and DA:I plenty of times.

04) Favourite race to play as?

Elf I guess? Though I’ve only fully played as a human and elf. I’m in the middle of a dwarf playthrough and I’m thinking of doing a qunari one in the future. It might change idk.

I just really liked playing as an elf in Origins so that’s why I got into elves. But the funny thing is, I wasn’t even thinking of playing as an elf when I played for the first time. I wanted to play as a human. I just did it on a whim.

05) Favourite class?

Mage, hands down. Realistically, they’re the most versatile class. They can do range and melee since anyone can learn how to fight with weapons. But the last two games won’t let you so :)

Also, this stems from the fact that I’ve been a harry potter fan since I could remember.

06) Do you play through the games differently or do you make the same decisions each time?

In my full, proper playthroughs that I’ve finished, it’s slightly different but still the same basic ideas. Sided with mages, agreed with Anders, etc.

But I am planning to try an evil playthrough in the future so

07) Go-to adventuring group?

DA:O (I have two)

Leliana, Wynne, Shale - the OG crew; they were my main crew in my first playthrough and it was a pretty even party

Zevran, Leliana, Alistair - the elf crew; esp. with Rhian they’re all elves because I saw a theory that Leliana is half elf and I’m down

DA2

It’s a mixed bag. If I’m not playing as a mage, I usually take Anders a lot because we need a healer and Merrill can’t heal. I tend not to take Sebastian as much after I max his friendship. After Sebastian, I take Aveline the least. Other than that I just mix it up. Unless I’m romancing someone, then I take them every time.

I’d love to take Anders, Fenris, and Merrill out more often but I hate how mean they all are to each other (looking @ u bioware 👀)

DA:I

My first playthrough, I mixed it up a lot in the beginning but then I ended up bringing Solas, Cole, and Blackwall a lot near the end for some reason?

I love taking Vivienne, Dorian, and Solas out, especially if I’m playing a mage, because it’s such a pretty fireworks show

In general though, if I’m romancing someone I take them with me almost always.

08) Which of your characters did you put the most thought into?

I think it’s a tie between Rhian and Lu.

09) Favourite romance?

To no one’s surprise, it’s Zevran :3

Solas is second because I just really like that angst.

10) Have you read any of the comics/books?

I’ve read The Silent Grove, Those Who Speak, and Until We Speak (because someone gifted me the Omnibus) and The Calling.

I also have Hard in Hightown, which I should probably read lol, and the art book of inquisition.

11) If you read them, which was your favourite book?

The Calling solely because of my mom Fiona and my dad Duncan. 

12) Favourite DLCs?

Awakening because I love everyone and its also really funny that Rhian, who is 19 at that point, had to basically babysit people older than her and also run a whole arling.

I love both Legacy and Mark of the Assassin. Mark of the Assassin was really funny (though I hated the stealth part). I love Legacy specifically because when I was fighting Corypheus, both Varric and Anders K.O.’d and it was just me and Carver. It was a special family moment bringing down a whole entire magister together. I also hc that that was canon and it brought Kaia and Carver closer together.

13) Things that annoy you.

I’m gonna talk about the game bc if this is about the fandom, then that’s a whole other thing.

Anders’ writing for one. It doesn’t make sense that he’d approve of giving Fenris back to Danarius. And also that he wouldn’t tell f!Hawke that he’s bi? Then there’s the fact that Anders, Fenris, and Merrill all don’t get along when they have a lot in common.

Anything that was written by Lukas Krisdkjsdhkdk. Aveline, Sera, etc. he did a really bad job.

Also didn’t like that mages got less OP in the last two games.

There’s also the tone-deafness? Dorian, a brown man, saying slavery is ok. And also there’s the dialogue between Solas and Vivienne where Solas supposedly “owns” Vivienne. I think he says something like “may you learn”? Solas, a white person, saying this to Vivienne, a black woman, when there’s obvious colorism in Thedas? I think not.

There’s probably other but I can’t think of them right now.

14) Orlais or Ferelden?

Orlais is too snooty and Ferelden doesn’t season their food. I pick Seheron and Laysh because that’s where the Asians are at.

15) Templars or mages?

Mages

16) If you have multiple characters, are they in different/parallel universes or in the same one?

Originally, my canonverse was Rhian, Kaia, and Luwalhati. Alden and Bolin were part of an AU. Then Alden finagled his way in there, then I decided to have Bolin in there too. So now i have twin Hawkes and Bolin is part of the Inquisition (if he’s a companion or not, I haven’t thought about)

I have plenty of other OCs that I’m planning on, but they’re currently sorted into a different universe.

17) What did you name your pets? (mabari, summoned animals, mounts, etc)

Pikamon for the Origins mabari. It’s a mix between the names of my two dogs, Pikachu and Cinnamon

Cinnachu for the DA2 mabari, also a mix of Pikachu and Cinnamon.

Lu’s mount is the royal sixteen (hart), which is given to you by Clan Lavellan if you manage to keep them alive iirc, and its name is Luntian, the tagalog word for green which is her favorite color. (In a teen!Lu AU, her mount is the bog unicorn bc she’s an edgelord)

18) Have you installed any mods?

It would be more surprising if I didn’t. How else would I manage to have my characters look like the’re poc?? And also get rid of whitewashing and have some continuity. I usually just do cosmetic mods if it’s my first playthrough. Then I do like “cheats” after I finish the game fully.

Fun fact, I once spent like 2+ hrs modding Origins to have the Zev romance the way I want. I also stayed up until like 5am trying to make Solas look like his concept art lol (it didn’t really work)

19) Did your Warden want to become a Grey Warden?

Rhian didn’t not want to become a warden. She read about them and thought they were an honorable order, but she didn’t expect to ever have a chance to become one. Her goal was to just go up in the Circle hierarchy, maybe even become First Enchanter. Then when the time came, she didn’t really have much of a choice.

20) Hawke’s personality?

Kaia is blue and Alden is purple

21) Did you make matching armor for your companions in Inquisition?

At first, I didn’t get what the big deal was with crafting. It didn’t seem fun at all lol. Then I tried it and was hooked. I don’t have them matching, but I do tend to try to match my Inquisitor with their LI in some way.

My usual procedure for armor in Inquisition is like this. I make everyone wear heavy armor and pick the materials that have the highest attributes, not caring how ridiculous the colors are. Then I go to tint them using a guide for each companion’s color scheme. This is the same for helmet but I usually have them turned off or have no one wearing one.

The only exception is Varric, Cole, and Blackwall. I have Varric wear the rogue armor that looks like his DA2 outfit, and Cole and Blackwall wear the Grey Warden heavy armor. I tint the grey warden armor using a guide for its color scheme.

I have Bull, Vivienne, and Cole wear their unique helmets.

22) If your character(s) could go back in time to change one thing, what would they change?

Rhian - She’d probably want to re-do how she told Zevran that she wasn’t exactly dead.

Kaia - Taken Quentin’s threat more seriously and killed him before he got to Leandra

Alden - He has no regrets

Luwalhati - wouldn’t have taken Sam and Wis with her so they wouldn’t have had to have died in the conclave explosion

Bolin - None, all of his decisions led him to Dorian and he’s happy with that.

23) Do you have any headcanons about your character(s) that go against canon?

They’re all at least part Seheron?

I also hc that neither Carver nor Bethany die because Kaia was able to cast a barrier on both of them before the ogre got them. Then they both became Grey Wardens because Carver contracted the taint in the expedition and wouldn’t join the Wardens unless Bethany came with him too.

Another hc I have is that Sebastian didn’t leave when Anders was spared and stayed to help out. But he went his separate way after because he still didn’t approve of sparing him.

Oh shoot, I almost forgot. The most against canon thing I’ve done probably? Rhian didn’t do the Ritual but she did slay the archdemon without dying. Rhian’s an arcane warrior, so when she slayed it, she was partway in the fade. Being partway into the fade was enough for her essence, I guess, to survive it. But she’s not mortal anymore and kind of a spirit now? So she periodically has to chill in the fade because being in the real world takes a toll on her.

25) Who did you leave in the Fade?

In the game, it was Stroud. I killed Loghain and no way is Alistair gonna be trapped in there. Fiona will be sad. So I made Alistair king in the game only, so Stroud was the one that was left.

This is another off canon thing I did. In my actual canon, Alistair is the warden contact. The Hawke that comes to the Inquisition is both Kaia and Alden. Alden brings Fenris with him because he doesn’t go anywhere without his Boo-Boo. Bethany and Carver also come because Weisshaupt was being weird and it seemed like they would be safer in the Inquisition. Lu + her party, Alistair, Kaia, Alden, Fenris, Bethany, and Carver all come to Adamant. Because there’s so many people, everyone was able to escape the Fade. No one is left behind.

26) Favourite mount? The nugs! All of them :) 

Though I don’t really use the mounts lol

[365-money-diary]

DAYS 36-42

DAY THIRTY-SIX [FEB 6]

8:30 AM - Make a chemex and get to work.

10:00 AM - Pineapple!

12:45 PM - Heat up cheesy red lentil soup for lunch with a La Croix. 

4:00 PM - Do a 10-minute Peloton ride and a barre class. Barre class gets interrupted as I get text updates for the grocery order. I kind of end up half-assing it toward the end but I’m glad I got it done. 

5:45 PM - Prep the kitchen for the grocery order – incoming of bread, greens, tomatoes, onions, garlic, tempeh, tofu, tortillas, tortilla chips, pretzels, apples, jalapenos, lemons, limes, cabbage, cilantro, vegan sour cream, rice, chickpeas, pinto beans, frozen burritos, bell peppers, eggs, parsley, ginger, BBQ sauce, buffalo sauce, grapes, sprouts, brussels sprouts, green beans, miso, cloves, frozen pizzas, hamburger buns, plant yogurt, cucumber, carrots, chipotle seitan sausages, tomato paste, broccoli, bananas, celery, potatoes, clementines, hashbrowns, red lentil pasta, dijon, seltzer, pineapple, dark chocolate, strawberry jam, vegetable bouillon, zucchini, mushrooms, dried oregano, radish, & snap peas. $342.39

7:00 PM - roast potatoes and make veggie sandwiches. Drink a hibiscus mezcal cocktail too. MAX RELAX for the rest of the eve. It’s Friday baby!

 DAY THIRTY-SIX: $342.39

DAY THIRTY-SEVEN

9:30 AM - Slept in weird vibes. Feel tingly when I stand which means blood pressure is bad. We are seeing friends today and I don’t want to power through it so I just drink some soy sauce. It does wonders and I’m feeling better within 30 minutes. Make a Chemex and watch an episode of dessert person.

10:30 AM - Head out to our pals’ house (If you read my last diary series, they’re the people we used to go to Suns games with) in uptown Phoenix for an outside hang. We meet their new baby and he is super cute. Hang out 10 feet apart and it feels so normal and chill. I also find out that I apparently qualify for the vaccine because I work to facilitate education, so I need to look into that.

2:45 PM - K and I haven’t eaten today and we’re starving. We split a Daiya pizza and eat snack on chips and salsa while we wait. I also eat a clementine. 

5:30 PM - Feel my body starting to fade and I’m kind of barred out. Decide to walk to the lake. I do a bad job of getting my HR up but I still enjoy my time outside. 

8:00 PM - I’m not hungry at all from all the salt. Decide to eat a small bowl of cheesy lentil soup for dinner but mostly just pound the water while working on a post for oil-free Greek dressing.

8:30 PM - I notice someone posts a sample sale for Splits 59 which is one of my favorite workout brands. I’m hitting 250 Pure Barre classes this week and use it as an excuse to celebrate. Buy 2 pairs of leggings and a cute tank. $70

10:00 PM - Definitely at that point in the day where I feel like I’m just passing time.

DAY THIRTY-SEVEN TOTAL: $70.00

DAY THIRTY-EIGHT

8:45 AM - Spend some time in bed adjusting my fantasy bball team. Still set to be undefeated in the more competitive league. Eventually make a chemex and post my oil-free greek dressing around the web. 

10:30 AM - I listen to a session on Mined, cook brunch (tofu/egg tacos with soyrizo) and and frantically get ready for M’s baby’s 1st bday. 

1:05 PM - Arrive at the party… what I thought was going to be just me, M, his wife, his mom, and his kid is actually them plus 6 other people hanging in the backyard. Not my favorite thing I’ve had to deal with this pandemic. Everyone is outside/masked. I learn that 2-3 of them have already been vaxxed but it’s still kind of a weird situation for me. I know if K was with me it would be bad news, so I am grateful he stayed behind today.

2:00 PM - Hightail it outta there once 4 more people show up. Listen to music really loud in the car and scream some lyrics on my way home. Feels good man.

2:45 PM - Continue listening to tunes at home, digging thru my Spotify discover weekly for the first time in a while and building a set that I want to record sometime next week.

3:15 PM - K’s brother and wife stop by and we do an outside masked hang with them for about an hour and a half. We haven’t seen them since December of 2019 so this is really really great.

6:00 PM - K and I keep talking about getting takeout but nothing sounds good so we just decide to do veggie sandwiches and potatoes. Drink wine.

7:00 PM - I decide to work on my tax stuff all evening instead of exercising. It takes 2 hours but I get all of my stuff together and send it to the guy. Pour myself a celebratory glass of wine after.

10:00 PM - K and I watch Beverly Hills Ninja in bed. I’d never seen it before and it was so good.

DAY THIRTY-EIGHT TOTAL: $0

DAY THIRTY-NINE

8:00 AM - Chemex. Pure barre weekly charge. $15

10:00 AM - A local bar down the street has been closed since March and a pal posts a GFM on their behalf. I donate to it. Eat a banana and a clementine $50

11:30 AM - Prep salad for the week - greens, gochujang tempeh, miso dressing, soba noodles, snap peas, carrots, and cucumber. Finish about 2 minutes before a call and I’m scrambling to appear composed.

5:30 PM - Do a pure barre livestream while K runs to go pick up dinner from a local vegan spot. K gets a fried chicken seitan sandwich and I get a burger. It’s really really delicious and I’m super stuffed after.

DAY THIRTY-NINE TOTAL: $65

DAY FORTY

8:30 AM - Chemex. Work is still kind of wild but I make a lot of progress on my report this AM so I’m feelin’ good there.

9:30 AM - Banana and clementine.

12:00 PM - Salad.

4:30 PM - Try to do a PB live stream (my 250th class) but Zoom’s server is being weird so I do a 30 min Peloton ride instead with a 5 min stretch.

6:00 PM - Veggie sandwiches with potatoes for din again. 

8:00 PM - A friend from highschool, N, and I chat and it’s really really great. I drink 2 glasses of wine while we catch up. 

DAY FORTY TOTAL: $0

DAY FORTY-ONE

8:30 AM - Oof my quads are sore. Make a chemex.

10:00 AM - Eat a banana.

11:00 AM - We’ve been dragging on the KN95 thing but decide to go for it today. Buy a pack of 50 in assorted colors, some Healthy Blood iron from Garden of Life, and poop bags for the dog. (Counting this expense as “home”) $98.04

12:00 PM - Spend time doing an analysis that doesn’t really tell me much but it was worth looking into. Eat gochujang tempeh salad

2:00 PM - I have a zoom scheduled with a work pal who I haven’t seen in forever. She tells me (much like the few others) that we qualify for the vaccine. I decide to make the appointment based on her feedback and after 40 minutes of messing with the system was able to get in on Feb 19.

5:00 PM - Take my 250th Pure Barre class! I am sweaty and it’s great.

6:45 PM - K isn’t really hungry so I eat the last of the red lentil soup.

7:30 PM - We have plans to see a friend in town from Ohio. Meet up with him at his hotel and sit on the front patio masked up for a while. I am mostly cold and have to pee.

9:45 PM - We arrive back home. I snack on a few pretzels, drink a glass of wine, eat some grapes and some dark chocolate.

DAY FORTY-ONE TOTAL: $98.04

DAY FORTY-TWO

8:30 AM - Chemex. My allergies are bad this AM. Send emails out - looks like my tax return is going to give me $1200 but then I owe $200 on my state. I always owe on state. One day… Also send a note to the loan guy who says I’m definitely going to close tomorrow at 8AM so we shall see.

10:30 AM - Tax invoice comes in. $220

11:00 AM - Boil some more soba noodles for salads. I’m basically going to be in meetings until 4:30 PM today so I’m trying to get ahead of all my stuff. Also do a check for all of the house painting things that came over the past week. Looks like it’s all here and I can start painting this weekend!

12:00 PM - Make salad in between calls and crack open a La Croix.

4:30 PM - My calls are done, do a 10 minute Peloton climb ride and then do a Pure Barre stream.

8:00 PM - Eat the last of the veggie sandwiches for dinner. Drink 2 glasses of wine and some dark chocolate. Something about tonight is off in my brain. I don’t have the capacity to be productive so I just watch episodes of The Challenge on my laptop while K plays Rocket League.

DAY FORTY-TWO TOTAL: $220

[albionscastle]

First Impressions Chapter 1

I’ve had this idea knocking around in my head ever since the first time I saw Jack’s ‘Resting Asshole Face’ in interviews. I just thought he seems just awkward and prickly enough to make a great Mr Darcy. So naturally I decided to do a Pride and Prejudice AU, I just hope I can do it justice.

This is basically just an intro chapter before the story really starts. Mrs Bennet is going to be her usual over the top self so I wanted to start with that and the chapters will switch between Lizzie and Jack from here on in. Obvs going to be very much a slow burn, but hopefully with enough tension to keep things going along.

Special shout out to @tomgcsglasses for encouraging this crazy idea.

Fic Masterlist

First Impressions Chapter One: So It Begins.

It is a truth, universally accepted that a young man in possession of fame, fortune and good looks must be in want of a mate. Whether or not he may already have one, or even want one is beside the point.

At least as far as Mrs Chloe Bennet was concerned.

It was a matter of fact that, after hearing the news of such a young man’s impending arrival, Mrs Bennet had already fixed upon him as the property of one of her five girls.

“Did you hear the news, Ben? Apparently we are going to be inundated by a movie set or something. They’re filming at the refinery.”

“Really dear, that’s nice.” He answered distractedly, his eyes never leaving the baseball on tv.

Not that it mattered to Mrs Bennet who just kept on her tangent, uncaring as to whether or not her audience was captivated.

“Mrs Long from the bakery, who had it from Harriet at the school, said they booked out the hotel all the way through the summer. What a wonderful opportunity this is going to be for the girls.”

That caught his attention.

“The girls? What on earth could this have to do with them?”

“I was getting to that dear.” she smiled indulgently. “The rumor is, that there is a young man, an actor in the lead who’s single. Tom Glynn - something or other.”

“I still don’t see what that has to do with any of our girls.” Mr Bennet pumped his fist as the Cubs landed a home run.

“Really darling, I’m thinking of him marrying one of them.”

Mr Bennet turned in his seat.

“Did I die and wake up two centuries in the past?”

He noted the determined look in her eyes. She was like a dog with a bone when she set her mind to something. One had to tread very carefully in this situation.

“Don’t you think they’re a bit young to be thinking of getting married?”

“Rubbish. Lizzie is 26 and hasn’t been out with a man in 3 years!”

“So let me get this straight. You would have me believe that this young man’s purpose in coming here, other than his job of course, is to carry off one of my daughters?”

“Don’t be an ass.” she snapped. “But you know he might meet one of them and fall in love. You should go to HR and see if they want extras or some such thing. Get their feet in the door.”

“I don’t see why I need to go, the girls are all old enough to go themselves if they feel the need. Or you could drag them along. I would watch out though Chloe, you’re a gorgeous woman, he may prefer a cougar.”

He laughed as his long suffering wife threw a pillow at his head from across the room.. He lived to push her buttons and she made it so easy for him. Sometimes though, he had to nip her grand ideas in the bud, for her own good.

And that of their children.

“But Ben, if you go...you’re well respected there and you know how insular these Hollywood types are. If they get used to you then it can only follow that introducing that young man to the girls would feel so natural.”

“And not at all like the set up your magical mind has planned.”

“Exactly. Just think, if one of them went off to L.A, red carpets, parties, what a life!”

He could practically see the dollar signs and stars in her eyes.

“Tell you what, I’ll send Carl a memo that he can give to this Tom fellow when he arrives. I’ll explain quite clearly that he has my blessing to take off with any of my girls that he chooses. Maybe I’ll even throw in a good word for my Lizzie.”

“And why should Lizzie get a better advantage than the others? As much as I love her, she’s not half as beautiful as Jaina or anywhere near as friendly and funny as Lydia, why should they be considered any less?”

“Perhaps because Lydia is only 15 years old.”

“Well obviously I’m not trying to marry her off yet. But the notice of the right people you know, can do wonders.”

“So you have no qualms about pimping out our kids to these people so long as there’s money involved?”

“You make it sound so cheap. I just want what’s best for them. And you always favor Lizzie above the others, even though she’s no better or worse than any of them.” That was a matter of opinion, he thought.

“Well let’s face it love, the girls are just regular, silly young women with nothing overly spectacular to recommend them. Lizzie just happens to have a little more gumption than the rest.”

Benjamin Bennet, I don’t understand why you are so hard on your own children. I swear you only say these things to piss me off. You never think about my nerves.”

“On the contrary Chloe, I’ve lived with your ‘nerves’ for the last 30 years. I have the utmost respect for them.”

She shot him a baleful look. This arguement between them was an old one, as familiar as the sight of one another in the bathroom mirror.

“You have no idea what I go though.”

“Well I hope you’ll feel better soon my love, because I’m sure many handsome, rich young men with strangely ambiguous morals will come and visit this town.”

“It wouldn’t do any good if every actor in the States descended on Whiting if you won’t do anything to help your girls nab one of them.”

“Chloe darling, believe me, when every one of them is here, I’ll make sure to take the girls to works and parade them around like horses at auction.”

Utterly disgusted she stomped off, leaving him to finish his game in peace.

On Friday night, almost a week later, Elizabeth Bennet slammed her novel shut with a sigh as she listened to her mother going on and on about this man. Her ��rant’ was directed at Jaina, having been ‘chosen’ as the lucky woman to attract the hapless Tom.

Despite it’s obvious ridiculousness, Lizzie could appreciate the thought process her mother’s move. Research had been done, Mrs Bennet could compile a dossier in half the time the FBI could and would end up with twice the information. It was discovered this Tom Glynn Carney was English, (and oh didn’t that just send her mother into spasms of joy) and only 23, thankfully removing Lizzie from the running.

Mary, her 24 year-old sister would have been a shoo in, had she not chosen the past Spring to develop a taste for Death Metal and the Goth lifestyle. Always tediously outspoken and pedantic, Mary had all of a sudden decided that her sole purpose in life was to play bass for a Marilyn Manson cover band and pierce every inch of skin available.

Personally, Lizzie thought it was great. For her fairly conservative mother it was cause for valium and smelling salts every time Mary left her room. Just that morning she’d gone and gotten her lip pierced, smiling triumphantly as Mrs Bennet had a fit, deeming her appearance ‘unfit for decent society’. Lizzie had complimented her on the corset she wore so confidently while her father had given her a hug and warned her to ask the tattoo place for a free piercing after every five, just to save money.

Thusly the net of Chloe’s mechanations was cast firmly over the beautiful and shy Jaina, the ‘good daughter.’

Lizzie winced as she watched her sister trying to study, being forced to focus on their mother every few minutes as she spouted of another piece of advice or idea. Honestly, she wouldn’t be surprised if the entire wedding was planned and their children named by dinner.

Jaina took it all in stride, as she always did. She was the sweetest, most even-tempered girl in the world and, though she would not actively participate in ‘The Plan,’ she didn’t have the heart to tell her mother off as the others so often did.

Lizzie didn’t doubt the ability of her sister to attract a man, they’d been falling over their feet for her since she was a teenager, but she would just smile and go on her way. Very few of them ever gaining her attention and even fewer managing to keep it.

“I do hope one of this Tom’s friends like the dress you bought, Lizzie, otherwise you bought it for no good reason.” Mr. Bennet flopped down on the couch winking as Lizzie laughed, tapping him with her book.

“It doesn’t matter what any of them would think since they’re never going to see it.” Chloe snapped, narrowing her eyes at the two of them.

“I wouldn’t worry about it Mom, this is a small town, we’re likely to see him at the bar, or the beach or even just walking around.”

“It won’t be the same, besides it’s trashy for a woman to introduce herself to a man on the street.”

“Mom, you do realize that this is the 21st century right?”

“Class is class Elizabeth, a lesson that might do you some good.”

Lizzie’s stomach chose that moment to rumble loudly, causing her to burp as she stood. Everyone except Chloe erupted into giggles.

“Very ladylike!” she snapped. “It’s no wonder you’re still single, young lady.”

“Yes, I’m sure that’s it Mom, and nothing to do with the fact that all the men around here are either gang-bangers, fuck-boys or idiots.”

Seeing a full-blown arguement brewing, Jaina interjected.

“What films has this guy been in Mom? Anything we know?”

“That movie Dunkirk, it came out last summer. I bought it today, shall we watch it?”

“Sure Mom.” Jaina poked Lizzie in her side when she started rolling her eyes. “Let’s do it after dinner, that way Kate and Lydia can join us.”

On cue, the front door burst open, Lydia rushing in, throwing her backpack in the middle of the living room floor.

“Mom! Did you hear the news? They arrived! I saw them outside the hotel when I was coming home. A whole group of hunks!”

“I’m surprised you didn’t catcall them the way you were carrying on.”

Kate followed her sister through the door, a disapproving frown on her face.

“I just waved at them Kate. It’s not like I ran across the road to jump one of them. Besides they waved back.” Lydia said smugly, Kate’s face looking like thunder.

“Of course they waved back, you’re barely wearing any clothing.”

Lydia plopped herself into an armchair and smirked at her sisters.

“At least I’m not dressed like a nun. Or a freak.”

“Lydia!”

“Sorry Mom. Anyway I saw this Tom guy and none of you have so, I guess I’ll just go call Becca and tell her all about it.”

She stomped off with all the teenage melodrama she could muster, slamming her door behind her.

Personally, Lizzie thought Lydia was a spoiled brat with a bad reputation. She was never disciplined, didn’t bother to do anything but the bare minimum in school and she dressed like a stripper.As the eldest, she’d tried to steer her sister but Lydia always ended up accusing her of being an uptight busybody. So she’d washed her hands of it, used to the inevitable embarrassment that came with having a family seemingly intent on making a spectacle out of every little thing.

Dinner was achieved with relative decorum though Mrs Bennet was constantly sniping at Kate who kept coughing, interrupting her constant planning for Jaina’s future. “Still though, I don’t know what it will all come to Jaina, your father seems intent on doing nothing to help you along.”

“Mom, I’m sure if it’s meant to be then something will happen.”

“No, I don’t believe that. Your dad could have introduced himself and been friendly so he could get your foot in the door. But no, and now you’ll never get a chance to meet him and you’ll be alone forever. Kate what is wrong with you?”

“I’m just coughing, Mom. There was a dog at the office today.”

“Well for heaven’s sake take a pill or something, it’s getting on my nerves.”

Lydia sniggered while Kate got up from the table to get water.

“Mom, I’m sure you’re overreacting about all of this. Lizzie was honestly sick of the whole thing.

“You don’t get to say another word about it Lizzie, besides we may as well give up since none of you seem to understand how serious this is. I don’t want to talk about it any more.”

“I’m sorry to hear that dear.” Ben, who’d been silent all evening had been waiting for just this moment. “If I’d known you were going to declare the whole thing a waste of time I never would have had Carl introduce me to Tom this morning.”

Lizzie didn’t have words describe the noise that erupted from her mother’s throat. Mr Bennet was bombarded with questions about him. Was he handsome? Polite? Charming?

Mrs bennet jumped up and down squealing when she was informed that Carl had already mentioned the Bennet family to Tom and his party as potential local guides and helpers. He was apparently quite keen to meet them and had promised to visit the festival being held the next weekend.

Lizzie quietly cleared the table, shaking her head as the onslaught continued. In the kitchen she took a moment, spying Kate by the sink.

“I think you can cough as much as you like now Katie.” she laughed, sharing a rueful look with her sister.

“Poor Jaina, you know mom will never let this go. I know she just wants us all to be happy but she’s so….over the top about it.”

“Well who knows, maybe he’ll be awful and she will give up on the whole thing.”

“What do you think the odds of that are?”

“As long as he’s male and breathing, and even passably ‘normal’ I think we are in for the long haul.”

“You know Lizzie, I almost feel sorry for him.”

They burst into laughter, returning to the living room under the disapproving glare of Mrs Bennet.

The movie was started and the entire family sat quietly watching it. Lizzie found herself enjoying it thoroughly, she’d always been a Nolan fan and a bit of a 1940’s buff so she was enthralled from the start. Tom was cute, very young and very much Jaina’s type, Lizzie could see the interest in her eyes even though she tried to hide it.

The wedding venue was picked by the time the handsome Spitfire pilot crashed.

The flowers by the time Lizzie realised she was crushing pretty hard on the Scot in the RAF uniform.

When she found herself wondering if perhaps Jaina could get Tom to introduce her to his former co-star, Lizzie realized her inner voice was starting to sound like her mother. Shook to her core she quietly got up and went to bed, furious with herself when she dreamed about him.

This was absolutely unacceptable.

[facesofcsl]

Madison L., Student (Business)

Madison Lorenz is a Bachelor of Commerce student majoring in Human Resources and Business Law, and is pursuing a certificate in Community Engagement and Service Learning. Read about her broad experiences with CSL after transferring to the U of A from Red Deer College in her second year below! 

Where did you start with CSL?

I started with CSL the first year I was at the University of Alberta, that was two years after I did two years at Red Deer College. So I was in my third year and I took a CSL 100 class, I was interested. I met with Jill and talked to her about what CSL was.  I wanted to get more experience outside of school and with non-profits, and I did not have that in Red Deer or when I was growing up so I thought that was cool! I also did not have any relevant work experience after my first two years of college, so I decided to enroll with CSL, and the courses fit with my schedule so I decided to do the CSL certificate

I heard of CSL through a friend who had also transferred from Red Deer College to the U of A. I was talking to her about how I was nervous about not having any experience or connections to get a job over the summer, and she told me about CSL and I decided to take a class! 

Why did you take the CSL certificate?

I had taken a bunch of CSL classes, and I heard about the non-credit opportunity I could do to complete the certificate which made it super easy to do! So I enrolled in the Non-Profit Board Internship Program. I think the CSL certificate shows you did something besides just your degree, and have experience and connections in the community. I think it adds a lot of dimension to your university experience.

CSL experience?

In CSL 100 I was paired with HUM 101, and I developed a video tutorial with powerpoint for the people they serve. 

My next class I was part of a Marketing Research class, I worked with ACCESS Outreach, to develop a survey to see who knew about them on campus. It was their first or second year on campus, and they wanted to know who knew about them, and who did not.  We surveyed over 500 undergraduates at the University. It took a long time, but it was actually really cool because at the end we made a big report with all the data. The data was super relevant and showed them how they could reach more students! 

I did a social marketing class, I worked with Canadian Animal Welfare Society (CAWS), which is the organization that brings dogs and cats on campus. I was really excited to be with them because I love dogs!  We developed a social marketing plan to increase their volunteers, because they did not have day time volunteers to bring pets to the university and other places they serve. 

I am in a non-profit management class, and I am working with Skill City Institute. Basically we are looking at their strategy and seeing how they can be a better organization. So we will make a strategic plan, and from there we want to make a fund development plan.

I think CAWS was my favourite placement, because I value having animals for emotional support. I know I see an impact on students, and just being to help them reach more people was the best! 

Has CSL changed the way you think about things?

I think just learning about how there are so many different ways you can get involved was cool for me. Before these placements I didn't really know about the organizations, and now seeing what a great impact they have on the community they serve is very rewarding. I think it is also interesting to see how every person can have an impact on the community, whether it be through volunteering or through CSL, or just donating what they can! 

I came from a small town, so we don’t have the non-profit side of the industry there - so I think it is really nice to see the community helping each other.

Most important CSL

I think the  most important thing I learned from CSL is the lack of capacity non-profits have. Especially since a lot of people will be hard on non-profits for not doing great things, and always “Asking for money!” For example, the board I am interning with now is in the process of doing interviews, and since I am majoring in HR, I have a structured process where I can do all these different things for interviews. When I stepped into this role, it was very fast paced, and I did not have the time or resources to do what was needed. My project is revamping their HR process, so I had all of these resources prepared for the interviews. When I was told we had to interview nine people that night because of time constraints, I had to cut the interview questions in half, so it was really interesting to work on my feet and adapt to what they needed. Even with the capacity issues, people are passionate and flexible and make things work!

Did CSL expose you to new experiences and knowledges formations?

I actually did not realize how many non-profits there were in Edmonton before doing CSL! Even with the NPBI, there are so many! The scope of the non-profit landscape, and how we can help impact that side, and how everyone can do their part and do a little bit and it could make such a big impact!

Also, all of the practical skills I have gained through all of the projects I have completed. Many of my projects have been very close to what I can see myself doing in the future. 

How has CSL impacted your academic or personal life?

Having the experience and showing employers you have a certificate, that shows you have experience, and that you are able to work in groups, you are able to liaison with community partners and listen to them. It has really given me the experience I was looking for when I was scared of having none when I first transferred to the University of Alberta.  

I think now that I know about the non-profit scene, I want to get more involved. I also want to continue with my board, if they let me! Currently, I work in the for-profit sector, and I have been able to get involved with their Corporate Social Responsibility, and I want to work more closely with that part of the company to help make a bigger impact. 

[cicinicole-14]

coco’s college story

I just need to vent and get things off my chest. this is going to be quite long, and I’m going to add more to this, but we’re starting a new segment on this blog called #coco’s college story. I’m going to get personal and real and you don’t have to read, but I just need to write it all out. feel free to come talk if you feel inclined to. and since this will be long, I’ll put it under the cut. lets hope everything is spelled right...

college really sucks sometimes. I’m really stressed out from it and I have no idea what to do or what I am doing. 

I’m going to start at the beginning, or try to at least. which, brings me to grade 11. I think this is really where it started. everyone was starting to take the ACT/SAT (American standardized tests required for most college admittance) and I hadn’t even begun to think where I truly wanted to go for college. yet some kids in my class had already started applying wtf. all I thought I knew was that a. I wanted to go out of state and b. I wanted to go far from home and c. I wanted to be a doctor. 

summer of 2016 (summer after I finished 11th grade) I was in Virginia visiting my best friend Autumn (she plays a huge role in this). Autumn is 6 months older than me and would be at this time starting her first semester at GMU in the fall of 2016. so she asked me where I wanted to go to school. my reply? “haha that’s a great question!!! I have no fucking clue.” (literally word for word) and she was like “apply to GMU!!!” and I was like, “dude, Noah fence but you’re going there to be a hISTORY major and I literally slept thru that class for all of middle and high school. nah fam” and she’s like “yeah, but they have a great science program and then you can go to Hopkins after.” so I was like ok maybe. so I did what everyone does best: listed my pros and cons

pros: 

going to school w/ bff since age 3

1,025 miles from home and from my mother* 

good science program so I can be a dr?? 

location wise: gr8 bc autumn’s fam lived 2hrs north and my stepsister (who I’m close with) lived 2hrs NE and its a 2hr plane ride home to florida

cons: 

is hella expensive**

1,025 miles from home 

current number of people I know going to this school: 1 (and pls note: I hate doing things alone even tho I love to be alone. idk how to explain this but like like I enjoy being alone but I don’t like being alone. I know some of y’all understand this?)

leaving friends I have in florida

tbh, the pros outweighed the cons and I applied to GMU and I was accepted. (I applied to other schools and got accepted to one and denied at another because they closed the program I was applying for but I can assure u had they not, I would’ve gotten accepted)anyway, I took my ACT in October of 2016 and got accepted to gmu in December of 2016. I think that’s really when the stress started kicking in, because while I was happy to be accepted to my dream school, I had a lot of emotions I wasn’t ready for and then later on experienced them. 

2017 started off decently. I went into the second semester of senior year knowing I was accepted and 100% planning on going to my dream school, ready for a new future, ready to leave Florida, excited about going to Italy that march with my class etc… 

but it also brought hard times because I ended my friendship with one of my best friends in the whole world: olivia. we were inseparable and had been for 8 years and knew each other for 13 years. it was seriously really hard, especially because not only was I close to her, I was close with her mom, little brother, big sister, niece and nephews. it really sucked. 

and, I had the daunting task of telling my mother I was going to Virginia for college. 

now, as some of you may know, my relationship with my mother is very strained. and whenever I refer to my “parents” on Tumblr, I’m talking about my dad and stepmom, because I always refer to my mom (as mother) separately. and add to the fact, my mother flipped out on autumn’s mom a few years ago and told them to never speak to me again. so, since I was 12 years old, my mom has had no idea I’ve kept in touch with autumn and still has no idea I go to school with autumn. (my dad and stepmom love her family and her and see no problem with them same as me and she’s my best friend and my mother has issues we will not be addressing rn) anyway, so I didn’t tell my mother I got accepted to GMU until April of 2017. (mind you, I found out mid-december and my dad found out when I got the email because I made Claudia stop the car before we headed to a Christmas party lol) and so I told my mom in April that I was going to GMU and she asked me if autumn went there and I lied right thru my teeth and told her I had no fucking clue because we weren’t friends, remember? and that was one big thing that really started the stressing because a. I didn’t have olivia there as my bff to help me thru the stressful time, and b. I so badly wanted my mother to be happy for me but I knew deep down she really wasn’t because she also flipped out a bit and was like “wtf ur going to college? u leave in august?” and I was like yeah, what did you expect me to do?” and honestly, she was angry about it, but I was an adult, its my life and she had no say in where or whether or not I was going to college. 

so, fast forward to college. idk how chronological this will be so we’re just going to list some stressors I’ve had with college. 

it’s 1,025 miles away from home

I grew up in a town in Florida, in the same neighborhood I was brought home from the hospital in (I almost said same house, but I moved down the street long story…) I went to a preschool from ages 2-4 and then started elementary and middle school ages 5-13 at one school and then half of my eight grade class went to my high school. and I was there for four years. these people were family. out of the 7 people who went to high school with me, 4 I knew since kindergarten, one I knew since fifth grade and the other since sixth and the last one was me. and I made two friends (chelsey and Claudia) in ninth grade who are my sisters. I love them both so much. I would talk thru fire for them (and autumn, Robyn and belle ofc but we’re talking about my friends at home) anyway, I grew up there. Florida is my home. I like small places. I lived in a kinda small city in my two bedroom condo with my parents and doggo and I had neighbors who I’d known most of my life. my whole family was in Florida basically, minus my aunt (dad’s sister who we visit in NY or she’d visit us).

I was leaving my friends

I went from seeing Claudia every day in school, and once every two weeks during the summer or a few times a week because of our movie dates lol, and chelsey who graduated the year before me and lived an hour away from me at home, made it a point to still come to my school to see me and sleep over at my house, and then during the summer she came over once a week and stayed over. I saw them all the time. we’re three peas in a pod. I saw them a lot. and I only have 5 really close friends. friends I would walk thru fire for, and trust with my life. mentioned above: Claudia, chelsey, autumn, Robyn and belle. and we all have different relationships. autumn moved away when I was 11 and I coped with that in middle school (another dark time in my life) and I learned to live with that. Robyn and belle I met over Tumblr, so I’d never entertained the prospect of seeing them regularly. (tho Robyn and I have kinda made a pact of visiting each other during the summer and thus every other summer I get to see belle when Its my turn to visit Canada) but chelsey and claudia? I saw them a lot, and I hadn’t had to cope with a friend, who I saw a lot and was inseparable with, be away from me for a huge long period of time in a long time (age 11). and to add to the fact, both chelsey and Claude go to school at home and they became close with my family too so like idk it all just kinda fell apart 

I get really homesick/leaving my parents and dog

this one wasn’t as bad solely because, I left home august 2nd. I was traveling by myself most of this month. I saw my parents at the end of the month when they held me move in for college. then, I got a surprise visit from them and my doggo in September because they drove up to my sister’s house 2 hrs from my school to escape the hurricane that was to hit Florida (bless, my house was fine). then I saw them again in October, because my sister got married!!! and thanksgiving I saw them again, November, because ofc its thanksgiving ill see them, even though it flew by. and now here, its December and I’m going home for a month. so I’ll see them thru January. and then lbr, because my dad works in Maryland a lot, he’s probably gong to be up north most of 2018 too and he vowed to visit me when he could because he’s a mush and misses his kid even if he denies it. also, the homesickness; I don’t like being away from people/be by myself in a house for an extended period of time, but I kinda built up my tolerance because my dad travels a lot and I have speration anxiety from it (he travelled all my life and I was left with my mother for a lot of it so stress but I built up a tolerance for it when I was like 15 and my homesickness started getting better from then on out) and like I did really well when I spent 8 days in Italy without my parents etc which I only had 1 tiny little freak out and Claudia helped me thru it and was proud at the fact that I only had one like 2 days in to the trip and was fine after that. 

my life plan

holy f u c k. ever hear the saying like “you plan and god laughs”? well, holy fuck, it can’t be more true. I don’t care what god or thing you believe in, its fucking true. I’m a planner. not a detailed one, but its a rough outline, I have a plan of my life, roughly outlined; its got a few bullet points mainly looking like this:

my life:

go to college out of state

make money

be a doctor in the nicu

be a mom/foster/adopt kids

own lotsa pets

have enough money to build my own house

were going to focus on the “be a doctor” point. because this is where everything got fucked. 

since I was five years old, five. I wanted to be a doctor. since that age, I narrowed down the specifics and specialty etc. I picked out what school I wanted to go to for medical school and whatnot. I’ve wanted to be a doctor since I was five fucking years old. 

college has since changed that plan...

about a month into school this semester, I changed my major of–––biology degree> medical school> be a doctor to uh, now I’m currently in the pre-nursing (BsN) program at my college (and I’m minoring in photography, but that I knew about and hasn’t changed). I remember this day very clearly when I decided. it was a Monday. idk the date, but it was Monday and I was sitting in the JC (the main campus building) with autumn eating food and I was like “I’m having a crisis and I want to change my major to nursing” and so then I called my dad and told him I was going to do it. thankfully my while family was very supportive (minus my mother I have not talked to her since September[?]***)

so that happened, and threw me for a loop. 

college is just extremely different in general.

I really don’t even know how else to categorize this. so here are just random things. 

professors are weird. all of them. no matter their age: which this ranges too because I have some that are like two coughs away from dying and others who are literally only like 5 years older than me… fucking weird. 

your syllabus is your fucking roadmap. don’t fucking lose it. 

nothing ever gets graded at a decent time. I literally got two papers back without grades on them and they aren’t online either but the prof said that they’re recorded in the gradebook he has so like????

I grew up going to private christian schools since I was 2… which means no cussing in class and wearing a uniform and your parents drive you to school, we don’t have busses. 

college: no dress code. I wore pj’s (with jack skellington on them) to class and Christmas and halloween printed leggings and hoodies with just a bra underneath and fucking whatever the hell I wanted to class, strapless/sleeveless dresses, whatever. my professors cusses in classes/lectures. I was taken back by this at first. but thoroughly loved the chillness and laid-backness that classes had tho because I could say whatever I wanted (vulgarity wise). and I now blame my worsening swearing habit on college because I’m not in christian private school or nannying 3x a week anymore so I haven’t needed to curb my language… walking…everywhere… I live on campus in a dorm without a car (autumn has one but we really only use it to run errands on Fridays) and damn that was a shock. because while yes, I lived in a smallish city and there was a Walmart and dollar store close to my house to walk to if I was bored, I didnt really walk much, we drove a lot. because my school was 15 miles away. and like idk nothing wasn’t super close. and now here that I live on campus, my whole life is here. I eat sleep and breathe campus, so I walk everywhere. to all my classes, to get food, well thats basically it because thats all college leaves you time for… 

college is stressful. 

and finally, here are more things that I wasn’t expecting. 

I didn’t realize it was going to be this difficult. Im currently taking 6 classes (16 credits altogether) and out of those 6 classes, I’m currently passing 2 I think? college is fucking hard. it didn’t help that I had a few major major major anxiety attacks and literally disassociated with everything for a week, two different times, plus I got sick with a nasty ass cold, and like idk, just it sucked. I moved 1,025 miles from home and then homesickness an that reality of “I’m living a thousand miles from home by myself” hit me. and I literally know no one here except autumn who I see once a week on Fridays. (because we both have off) and like it killed me. I left my only home I’ve ever known. I moved my whole life here. and I had a shocking realization that yeah, I’m going to Florida during breaks and whatnot, but I left Florida August 2, 2017 and I knew it was for good. I packed up my whole room last summer and knew that when I got on the plane, I wasn’t going to ever be coming back home home for good. I left my keys on the kitchen counter and said goodbye to my room. and yes, its still my room, but it’s been a guest room for the past few months and its not my room anymore. I did move out. and so that hit me too. 

and I’m alone here. I had a mental breakdown one day when I was texting chelsey and Claudia and all I really wanted was a hug from them but they’re a thousand miles away and couldn’t give me one, so I was stuck crying in the middle of our campus chick-fil-a. and so I texted autumn at 9am on a Thursday and she came in her pj’s and walked across campus to give me a hug so I could hug her, cry on her shoulder and breathe a little easier. 

and while I know this decision to move states away and leave everything I’ve ever known was hard, I know it was the right decision and the best decision I ever made, and the scariest.

I know that because if I went to school at home, I would Never have ended up moving out. I know I needed to experience college dorm life, and living by myself more, and being independent. I know for my health––mentally, physically, spiritually and emotionally––it was for the better. mentally: I am able to escape my mother being here where she can’t visit me or I won’t run into her here. physically: I walk everywhere and I’m attempting to eat healthier etc… spiritually: I’ve had a rough time with my faith, but I’m a christian and like autumn helps me a lot with this in strengthening my faith etc etc, (I’m more spiritual than religious) and emotionally: I’ve been able to heal and accept who I am, and I came out as bi to my friends, currently 4/5 of them and all of you guys. its a new zone here and I can live and be free and be me. I don’t have to worry about the people I knew from high school judging me because I’m bi and we went to a christian school etc. I’m who I am here and my decision to move here has helped me grow. 

and also, yeah, I’m stressing currently about my future, but I’m going to take it a day at a time. I’m failing classes right now, but I’ve realized thats because I haven’t been on my A-game. I went thru a major life change, I’ve had a bit of family health issues, I’ve had to deal with a lot of issues and stress surrounding my mother and my relationship with her since starting college, and like a lot more, and so I have decided that while I had a mental breakdown about not making it into the nursing program, I’m going to take it slowly. fuck doing this all “fast and in four years and yada yada”. Its only been one semester, this is a whole new ballgame for me. college is so different from high school. so, I’m going to be better next semester, focus more on my passions, maybe take summer classes, and not pressure myself to be in the nursing program in my 3rd year, take my time. there’s no rush. 

notes:

*– mother and I have a very strained relationship due to her years of mental abuse (and very little but still prevalent physical abuse) towards me. I’ve been trying to get out from under her thumb since I was 10. moved in with my dad when I was 12 but since he travelled for work a lot, I stayed with mother etc until I was about 15 when I stayed with friends or by myself. and so being away from her like this has only brought peace and less fights because I don’t have to see her or talk to her

**– college out of state tuition is hella fucking expensive, but thankfully, my granddad had set aside money for his grandkids (there’s only 2 of us, me and my cousin Kiersten who is out of college now) and has put us thru school (private school) our whole lives. we have been blessed so very graciously with being able to go to any school we chose debt free because our grandpa has it covered no questions asked and truly its the best thing ever because while I grew up not worrying about tuition, I still grew up with a tight family income because mom had a fixed income and then when I moved in with dad, he worked for himself, so he has seasonal work… some months its great, other months were scrounging for the last few dollars to put food on the table… 

***–since moving to college and being out from under my mother’s thumb, I’ve been talking with my parents (again remind u this means dad and stepmom) about me needing to learn to heal and forgive and just live my life and I can’t do that if I keep having my mother call or text me or expect me to visit her etc… I’m an adult. I’m going home this Christmas to tell her that if she wants to be my mother in the long run, she needs to play by my rules, and this is now going to happen my way. I need to cut contact with her for however long. and she’s not to reach out to me. I need to be the one to do it because if she pushes it, our relationship is so strained right now because of her actions, if she attempts anymore, she’s going to lose me forever as her daughter and deep down, we both don’t want that. so I need space and need to learn how to forgive her. and she needs to get help and learn to be a better person herself. she needs to do a lot of things I’m not going to get into here but yeah, basically. 

so that’s it. this was really long and I’m sorry about that. if y’all feel inclined to talk to me about any of this, feel free to do so. I needed to talk through this. I’m probably going to talk about #coco’s college story a bit as my life goes on. I will keep everyone updated. college is stressful, and crazy, and scary and wild and fun and terrifying and a lot of emotions mixed in one

xx cici 

[tigresjumeaux]

As per the request of @my-insanity-is-irrelevant​, here goes nothing. Not even gonna reblog the ask meme post bc I’m literally answering every question rip

1. What is you middle name? Marie. #basic 2. How old are you? 19. 3. When is your birthday? May 31.  4. What is your zodiac sign? Gemini. I’m actually two people and they’re both snakes.  5. What is your favorite color? I honestly don’t have one, they all have their perks. I do tend to favor cooler and darker colors tho 6. What’s your lucky number? 7 and 9, but odd numbers tend to treat me nicely in general.  7. Do you have any pets? Three! A Boxer named Buster, and two 14 y/o cats named Asheley and Nadia. Here’s hoping for many more in the future. :’) 8. Where are you from? Born in Seattle, raised in the greater St. Louis area, and going to school in Muncie, IN.  9. How tall are you? 5′6″ 10. What shoe size are you? 8 in American women’s size. 11. How many pairs of shoes do you own? Oh lord. Probably like 15 because I refuse to get rid of any, but I only wear like 4. 12. What was your last dream about? Roller coasters and an ex being nasty. DJ Khaled was there.  13. What talents do you have? I’m fairly good at reading people, and also drawing. I’m also a quick learner, if that counts as a talent? 14. Are you psychic in any way? I wish. I have a weird force of karma that seems to follow the people who have hurt me around, but that could be coincidence. I’ve helped check other people’s energies (as well as my own) before, but my knowledge is limited and I don’t think I have the sense of self to pursue that right now. 15. Favorite song? At no point in my life have I had just one, but “Fury” by Muse and “Love is Mystical” by the Cold War Kids are up there right now.  16. Favorite movie? Wonder Woman was so, so good, y’all. I also like  17. Who would be your ideal partner? daisy ridley right now, my standards are both really low and really high. Just...someone I get along with and who gives a rat’s ass?  18. Do you want children? I think I might, yeah. Depends on who I end up with, but I like the idea of making small humans and showing them how the world works. Teaching others has always helped me figure shit out, anyway.  19. Do you want a church wedding? nooooo thank you 20. Are you religious? Not in the sense that I participate in organized religion, but I do believe in aspects of many different religions. I’m particularly fond of reincarnation. 21. Have you ever been to the hospital? I had to have my chin stitched up when I was like, 3. And also I had my tonsils out at 10.  22. Have you ever got in trouble with the law? Nope, and I’d prefer to keep it that way.  23. Have you ever met any celebrities? I met Paramore the summer before my junior year, and I met Jensen, Jared, and Misha from SPN my senior year! 24. Baths or showers? Showers. 25. What color socks are you wearing? au naturale i’m barefoot bitches 26. Have you ever been famous? one time i did a drawing and it got 100 notes 27. Would you like to be a big celebrity? noooooo maybe C-list at most 28. What type of music do you like? I’ll listen to just about anything, but I lean towards alt rock, metal, punk, some indie if it isn’t too hippie-ish. 29. Have you ever been skinny dipping? nah 30. How many pillows do you sleep with? Like...7?  31. What position do you usually sleep in? On my stomach with my top half wrapped around a pillow or a blanket.  32. How big is your house? Two-story, four bedrooms. Parents raised three wild kiddos here 33. What do you typically have for breakfast? A smoothie or a sandwich when I’m actually up in time.  34. Have you ever fired a gun? No, but I’d like to at least try. 35. Have you ever tried archery? yes and i ain’t no katniss 36. Favorite clean word? Maverick (that’s one of many) 37. Favorite swear word? Fuck. it’s just so versatile 38. What’s the longest you’ve ever gone without sleep? 60 hours or so 39. Do you have any scars? On my heels, chin, thighs, hips, and over my wristbones. I’m clumsy, have pets, and have self-harmed. 40. Have you ever had a secret admirer? An anon flirted w me on Tumblr but it was someone in my French class, lel. Wasn’t a secret for too long. 41. Are you a good liar? White lies, yes. Big lies, noooo. 42. Are you a good judge of character? Generally? 43. Can you do any other accents other than your own? Not a whole lot on my own, but I’ll pick up anything I hear regularly. 44. Do you have a strong accent? Not really? I just kinda talk and drop bits of different accents here and there. I don’t think I have that much of a St. Louis accent. 45. What is your favorite accent? I have a soft spot for slight Southern accents. Eastern European and Australian are also awesome.  46. What is your personality type? sad 47. What is your most expensive piece of clothing? A $120 jacket from Zumiez. It’s HUF brand but I bought it for the wolves on it tbh 48. Can you curl your tongue? Yes and it comes in handy w girlfriends 49. Are you an innie or an outie? Innie  50. Left or right handed? Right 51. Are you scared of spiders? I used to, but I’m getting better. They startle me but I’ve carried a wolf spider outside so 52. Favorite food? changes by the hour tbh tho chicken is always good 53. Favorite foreign food? Shepherd’s Pie.  54. Are you a clean or messy person? Clean, but disorganized. My room is cluttered but not like, dirty.  55. Most used phrase? "Oh my god.” 56. Most used word? like 57. How long does it take for you to get ready? depends. not usually over 45 minutes unless I’m getting Fancy.  58. Do you have much of an ego? Not really.  59. Do you suck or bite lollipops? Yes. 60. Do you talk to yourself? More than anyone else. 61. Do you sing to yourself? Yes, especially when I can’t hear my own voice. 62. Are you a good singer? N o 63. Biggest Fear? Forgetting and being forgotten. 64. Are you a gossip? drama that don’t involve me is the best drama 65. Best dramatic movie you’ve seen? Goodwill Hunting aaaaaa 66. Do you like long or short hair? On myself, defs long. I love pulling it back too much for short.  67. Can you name all 50 states of America? Yep! I 68. Favorite school subject? English. Also psychology.  69. Extrovert or Introvert? Extrovert with trust issues, abandonment issues, and that shuts down a lot. and also clinical depression 70. Have you ever been scuba diving? No, but I’ve been snorkeling! 71. What makes you nervous? Anything has the potential to make me nervous, tbh. But not knowing things is The Worst 72. Are you scared of the dark? Oh god yes 73. Do you correct people when they make mistakes? I do when it’s something small. Big mistakes are things you gotta figure out for yourself. 74. Are you ticklish? Less and less over time, tbh.  75. Have you ever started a rumor? Never on purpose. I’ve heard a few things I’ve said get distorted and spread but I try to Cut That Shit Out Quick 76. Have you ever been in a position of authority? I was a President of a few clubs in high school, captain of the swim team, and a manager for the track and cross country teams.  77. Have you ever drank underage? Whenever I can, tbh. Not even to get drunk, necessarily, it just tastes good 78. Have you ever done drugs? Only weed with a close friendo of mine. I also may have saved a few narcotics from my wisdom tooth removal for a rainy day 79. Who was your first real crush? My best friend in middle school. That was a doozy.  80. How many piercings do you have? I have doubles in my ears, so 4. I’d like triples and possibly a septum piercing.  81. Can you roll your Rs? Yep! Sometimes I do it by accident when speaking 82. How fast can you type? Not very tbh 83. How fast can you run? That depends on why I’m running. 84. What color is your hair? Dirty blonde. 85. What color are your eyes? Blue-gray. 86. What are you allergic to? Certain kinds of deodorant and also tumblr 87. Do you keep a journal? I mean I scribble down stream of consciousness shit when trying to Cope w things, but I don’t keep one regularly.  88. What do your parents do? Dad’s an engineer, mom’s the HR person for a whackass ad company w fun people 89. Do you like your age? I mean I’d rather be able to legally drink, but I’m a legal adult but it doesn’t feel Real yet so I guess it ain’t all bad 90. What makes you angry? When people are mean for literally no good reason. 91. Do you like your own name? it’s aiight. people trying to pronounce my last name is amusing 92. Have you already thought of baby names, and if so what are they? I like the name Oliver a lot for a guy? But really I guess it’d depend on my what my wife likes 93. Do you want a boy a girl for a child? dog 94. What are your strengths? I know people and can communicate pretty well, and I’m generally good at being pretty friendly. Also I can swim so if someone throws me in the water the joke is on them 95. What are your weaknesses? Can’t be left alone for long periods of time, relying on one person for everything, and ignoring myself and other friends, compulsive tendencies, and an overall obsessive personality. 96. How did you get your name? Named after my dad’s grandma, iirc. Except Claire instead of Clara.  97. Were your ancestors royalty? I’m sure someone was idk 98. Do you have any scars? didn’t I answer this already 99. Color of your bedspread? Black and white at home, orange and purple in my dorm. 100. Color of your room? Very dark forest green. I like it lots.

[curiouskarenscapers2017]

Volume Two – September 2004

Ni Hao! (Chinese for hello remember)

Ok, so after about three tries we got it right and the teething problems are over, we are at press!

Thanks for all the compliments and please, if there is anything specific you want me to check out lemme know, it will make my life more interesting here!

I got the photo’s downloaded and we’re A for away. Will let you know about those.

Anyway, where were we, oh yes. We lost the two Canadian girls and got a South African, Penelope (Pen for short, because the locals had a problem saying the name) and the Canadian Kimberley (Kim for short, just easier) a day later instead. Poor Penelope’s luggage never left SA and two days later she got them delivered to the school by Cathy Pacific! They were put in a new apartment just down the road from us. Pen was having a very hard time about it. They were shoved into teaching the next day with no training whatsoever.!! Hectic, now where did I hear that before……oh yes, it happened to me too!! Anyway, the weekend they had time to breath after a terrible and disastrous two days teaching. They would be fine. I told them they must just calm down over the weekend, do an orientation stint then while it’s quiet and brace themselves for Monday. It will be better and it does get better. My week was a total nightmare hours wise. 13 hrs a day, 71 hours a weak, 306 hrs a month! But obviously I’m not being paid for the hours spent at the office only teaching hours are billed. It’s cruel!!! The initial 3months are used for training then after that you can go home if you don’t have class. For the first 3 months you have to stay at the office weekdays from 1pm – 9pm and Saturdays from 10am – 4pm. This is fine if you are not doing a kindergarten class that starts at 9am and you have to be there at 8am to prepare! So all in all my 1st three months will be 8am -9pm. Cool!!!!!

Anyway, what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger!! I finally went to the night market the other night. What an experience!!!! It was a maze of narrow rows between hundreds if little stalls that ranged from food to gadgets and of course the cell phone stores in between!!! My word! The food, the smells and some of the smells…..eeeeeuuuuwww. But overall the food look appetizing and very oily, everything is fried…fried dumplings, fried, noodles, fried meat etc. etc. ect. But what a vibe, Tuesday nights and Friday nights the night markets lives on, with people flowing like blood through it’s veins. Awesome. Better than Leki in Lagos. But different in a way as well. I liked Leki for the unusual stuff, with the odd little Chinese store in between, here most of it is shiny, glittery and it looks like Taiwan is stuck in the eighties!! So I’ll do the expected and start buying cool glittery hair clips and baubles for my hair, seeing as I don’t have much of a choice in the heat, I’m tying it up…can you guys believe it!!

Some beautiful hair stuff. Stunning Jade jewelry. Small trinkets for about NTS300 = R60 to NTS3000 = R 600. Stunning bangles of jade as well. You get a light white jade with a hint of green and then others are dark green. All little religious symbols and things you find at our Chinese stores back home as well as some different ones. This market is just interesting with all it’s stuff and smells. The gadgets are the best, the lighters are awesome, everything flashes!! Lot’s of CD’s DVD’s and VCD’s. All quite cheap. Didn’t look too closely as I was swept away by the stream. Boy what a stream!!! It’s like the game with the frog that has to jump across the road and avoid being hit by a the cars, level advanced!!!! I actually at one stage had to fall back in the stream the way I came and pop out a quiet pooled area on the opposite side and make my way upstream along the side I wanted to get to in the first place!!!! Anyway, it was a great experience and I saw lots of stuff for everybody. The girls will love the hair gadgets and clips and the brother will love the guys shirts here, very with it and clubby!!! The interesting food caught my eye as I was bustled by. Ducks head an neck fried to a crisp, Chicken feet fried to a crisp!!

Saturday I did my time at the school, had to teach 2 classes and then started on this volume. The girls are moving today which means I am moving into the big room with the en suite bathroom, going to miss them and the dogs!! Will go visit as Teri is leaving in 5 sleeps and poor Abby will be alone at home with the kids!

I had a weird traditional food on the Saturday that taste like raw dough…my favourite….but has a spicy or sweet centre that looks like fried onions. Weird, but ok. Won’t buy too many of those. They also look like the green goo we used to buy when we were kids that didn’t stick to your hands, it just kind of went through your fingers but left your hands clean. These balls were like that, they stuck to the plastic they were in but didn’t come apart or leave goo behind…very interesting food. Wonder if it will stick to a car window at a high speed………

Anyway, I moved and have never in my life sweated so much as when I was cleaning out our flat when the girls left. My word, it was soooo hot on Saturday, I went to bed in the quiet apartment and Sunday spent time going through all the left behinds to see what is useable and what’s not. A whole new way of life for me!!!! You don’t want to end up buying something expensive and you can’t take it with! So use what’s left behind and save on costs. The en suite shower is quite an experience, in  there being no shower!!! The is a wall mounted tap set and the shower head and away you go, next to the loo in the middle of the bathroom, no curtain, no indent just a slight downward angle and two draining holes…..quite cool actually. Maybe it would be a good idea for the resort…a fiberglass bathroom floor, raised and sealed along the edges and everything in it. Easy cleaning for the crew, you don’t need a bath for the resort and it’s hygienic! Viola, all these ideas!!! I tell you!

  So I finally get the dreaded cold I was bracing myself with Vitamin tablets against!!! Got it after Sunday’s cleaning and felt it more on Monday, Tuesday evening I had it full blast with a day from hell the next! Like I said, what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger….right?….just incase you don’t hear from me again after this edition…….I love you all!!!! I mean it!!! Naaah not this “onkruid”.

Judy (the owner) was shaking her head in disbelief at the most amazing and well timed, managed, organized way my passport and visa was done compared to EVERYONE ELSE. For some weird reason, I’m the only one with no problems getting a 60day visa, secondly for some unknown reason my visa is the only one, now that they did leave it too late to get the ARC in time, able to be renewed until Oct 21 at the local police station without having to leave the country!! Strange but true, I’ve been telling everybody I’m easy and nobody believes me!!! I’m being looked after big time……as usual. Anyway, I have a three empty rooms, and I know who’s all living in them at the moment while there is space….once again!!!!

So, this is a sign for them maybe to…..I don’t know….hurry the process up a bit with the ARC!!! I’ll stay on them. Just a reminder if I haven’t mentioned it before, the ARC is the Alien Residency Certificate, basically allows me to stay here and work.

(Verimark add scenario)This new rice diet I have tried really works for me! I can’t believe the results! I was a lonely fat teenager all my life and the Chowfan rice diet has change all that!! I can look at people and say….yes, it’s me!!! …No really it’s me, me? Karen, remember? No really it IS! Look, see it’s me…..yes!! Over here, it’s me, I’m here!!!…..okay, maybe not THAT thin yet, but the loss of 10kg’s in my first month and a half, says something for the Chinese people’s cooking. There are very few obese people here, except for the foreigners who eat things like, fried dumplings, fried calamari, fried rice, tipenyaki and all the 7eleven can offer, because of their money that is. But once again, money is the root of fat, the less money the thinner you are….so I have come to the equation – no money = thinner! Eureeeeekkkkaaaa! I better hide my money away from myself after payday! But where….where?????

In my huge room I now have, I have cordoned off a section for exercising. I got some foam tiles you buy in a pack of 6/8 and you connect them to form a mat. I do my sit up/push ups etc all on this little piece of lime green foam. Good to have an exercise routine, I have been missing it! Made a list of what I need for the flat, so that I can go get it this weekend after payday Friday!!! Wonder what we’ll be getting?!!!?

Saw Teri off on Wednesday night at work…can’t believe she’ll be at home tomorrow sometime. Weird to think she’ll see boetie before I do! And I probably won’t see him for nearly a year! Never happened before!! I’ll have to organize…and what about the family, what about my friends and the cats…….aaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhh. Anyway, I’ll survive!

Found out a few minutes ago that we don’t have to sit here for the whole 13 hours a day, so we won’t!! Not that my classes are scheduled in such a way that it will benefit me though. But the small gaps in between might help getting away a bit! We’ll see how that goes.

Well I it finally happened again and this time I gave in to my deepest maternal instinct! The first time, someone found a few weeks old stray puppy and I refused point blank, emotionally, space wise and this place is no place for a dog. No grass, no fresh air, no…..wait, I want those things!!!! Anyway, so yesterday evening Abby and Teri was taking out their trash when they found a 3 week old orphaned kitten. She asked me today whether I would please take care of it, I didn’t want to, I said I don’t know, really I did, I was soo strong!!!!! Then I remembered last night when I got home, to my huge empty flat with no life in it at all…….! And then it happened…that little niggly feeling deep down inside, what will happen to this little orphaned kitten? Who will help it? Here? no one!

With typhoon season in full swing, it will probably drown in the trash or get swept away down a drain or…what if the stray dogs eat it??? What then??? It got to this stage and obviously needed help to have a full happy life further, it was meant to be found by them and be taken care of by me! It will have a wonderful life!!! It might just become the flat cat! I’ll see him tonight (Thursday 9/9)

We’re making plans to do the Carrefour journey this weekend to get all the necessary living items. Like bedding!!! I have been sleeping on a fitted sheet and a pillow! Amazing how it turned out that we got here in Summer, Winter would have been a bit funny with no bedding!!! Anyway, it’s not and I don’t have to! Carrefour is actually just around the corner, well sort of, maybe about 5km’s away. Can’t wait.

Ok, so off we went on Saturday after school at about 5pm. What a place!! About three stories high with everything your heart desires! From toiletries to food to bikes to hi-tech stuff……I was like a kid in the proverbial candy store!!! And every time I saw something I saw something else at the same time and bumped into myself a few times until we both pulled in the same direction!!! Stunning!!! Got stuff for the flat, like a wine opener!!!!!! Got bedding at long last, now my bed looks like a bed not a temporary couch I spent a month and a half on. Also the temperature is slowly declining at night and in the wee morning hours, so the new fluffy thick duvet with my different types of blue colouring looks homely and cozy!! You have never bought so blind as here. 1 picture with a full bed set on it. 4 pillows, 1 duvet, 1 fitted sheet and when you open it you have 1 pillow case and a duvet cover. Then you buy another to see whether you could get it as close as possible to the colour and then you find a fitted sheet with 1 pillow case in another….so at the end of the day you have a semi matching set consisting of a denim blue duvet cover with a check pattern and a light blue broad border that isn’t on the picture, a bright blue fitted sheet with circles on it and matching pillow cases and an old night frill around the bed frame that was left in the flat of a different blue….viola!!!!!

  Anyway, I sleep well and it feels more like home!! Back at the store! I was still shopping away. Myself, Jane and Melissa(the new Canadian girl that is sharing with me). She was a legal secretary for 8years and decided to do something different, got married the day before she got here! Hectic!!!

So we stopped at the cats/pet section and I got Draco/ Shao Long (Little dragon) a sandbox, very fancy, we should get one for the cats back home!! Some  Friskies for cats and Purina for kittens. Jane (one of the Chinese teachers here) was my shopping planner/co-ordinator. She eventually took my list and off she went! People were checking us out because we were probably the loudest shoppers in the mall, well definitely the most excited ones!!! So, we got all the basics and some nice things, checked out the bikes and saw a stunning red Coca Cola bike, but it was a bit of a girls bike….but really cool looking! I eventually left it for now as I wanted to check out the bike place where all the other teachers go for bikes. A toaster, a vacuum cleaner and a few other essentials came to a very reasonable price! We would never pay that in SA for all the things we bought! The coolest part was between the different levels where they had a walking escalator not a stairs one. The best part is that the trolley’s are magnetized and sticks to the escalator!!! You can’t move it!!!! Even with a full trolley, it didn’t budge up and down the escalator…cool!!!! I even approached it at a running speed….amazing! I will definitely go back there. We called the taxi and at about 7o’clock we left Carrefour!! I want to go try out all my stuff at home! Can’t wait!

So that evening the other girls came over, Pen and Kim and we (or rather Melissa) made stir fry, we watched a movie and they left with plans for going exploring tomorrow morning to find the everything store!

Well what a variety of everything stores this place has. Just when you thought this is definitely the everything store you walk into one that has more everything than the first one! I was so sure I got it until we actually got it! We walked a mile….but we were in good spirits and it went quickly. Our first stop was a video/DVD store where we enquired as to how much to rent etc. etc. Worked out to NTS1000 for 80 DVD’s That is a good deal compared to our Blockbuster deals. R200 for 80 DVD’s!! We’ll remember that and we filed down the road again. Next stop was the Pizza shop. Stunning little yellow shop with inside seating and two tables outside. We opted for inside as the aircon does make a difference in a place like this. A small pizza and iced tea worked out to about just over R10 something. Very good as well, I took a membership card as we left and immediately got it stamped!! We’ll be back!! Next stop was a big pharmacy on the corner of a main intersection. They even have a counter as to when the lights will change, this one started at 80sec and counted down. Cool really. Anyway, the pharmacy had quite a bit of paraphernalia and interesting weird stuff. A huge baby section was located upstairs. It’s quite a big deal having children here and they definitely cater for it! Didn’t find what we wanted, which was for me to get nail glue! Everything else is false around here except nails……….

Then we went across the road and found a huge book/stationery store. Cool, books below and stationery above. I left the girls to wonder around in their as I continued my quest for the everything store……just past the book store I found it, I’m sure of it!! A crammed supermarket type shop with everything in it. Looks like a typical Indian shop, you can’t move in the isles. Lots of food and further down lots of household stuff, like cutlery dustbin bags for cheap and then a huge section with beer….interesting! Got two little dustbins for the bathrooms, lots of bags for them and the big dustbin in the kitchen and was off to find the girls and let them know! Got back to the bookstore and they had disappeared into the myriad of shops in Changhua, swallowed by the black hole of consumer marketing and products on demand! So what to do…do I go on shopping or do I go find them….hmmmm…sat on the corner like a foreigner for a few minutes, nothing, walked up a while and side ways, nothing….Oh well, they’re all together so I’ll go exploring down this way………found some shoe shops and a huge everything shop with red writing further down the road. Cool and they had a little bit of nail glue! Must remember this place! Got some sparkly stuff for my hair and felt like a kid again. One with neon orange flower bits with a clear bauble behind it, two with two pink squares on either side with a mother of pearl shine and one with clear squares and a red elastic. Cool!!!!

Walked out and back down the street and as I came to the corner again they were crossing the road. I told them about the shop and they wanted to go see it. I waited at Mac Donald’s with Kim and had a Lemon Coke. We started our journey back nearly 4 hours later. Stopped at the Yellow store, a huge yellow electronics store called BC. Lots of gadgets in here!!!! Translators, camera’s MPR3 players to die for, CD players, TV’s you name it. Laptops are the same to a tad cheaper that home. HP Presario’s at about NT35 000 which works out to about R7 000 to more. I was hoping for much cheaper but they too import them. Then we checked out the Hi Fi section and we all had our favourites. I got a small Philips Hi Fi with a sound to die for and all the extras including a USB port to connect your laptop to it to play MP3’s. Also plays MP3, CD’s RWCD etc etc etc etc. Boetie, will love this!! Nee, dis myne!!! Stunning little thing for under a R1000. They had to order one. Got two fluorescent lamps for the bathroom and kitchen and we were off again. Got closer to home and found a huge fresh market. Walked in and they had all sorts in there! ALL SORTS. We took a quick route past the live chickens being slaughtered and checked out the seafood and other meats. Interesting but also very fresh and good pricing. Calamari to die for doll, squid, octopus, shrimps, clams bubbling away in their cold water crates, eels and al sorts of fish. I wonder if they have butter fish, we had it in Paternoster as part of our sea food platter, I could make a huge seafood platter with these things!!! At the end they had pastries and it smelled stunning! We left and suddenly walked into “The Everything store”. From pots and pans to electrical things in one huge corrugated iron room. Got a lamp for next to my bed, a squeegee to clean the floors with and Melissa also got some stuff. We were nearly home and passed so many eating places on the way. We made an arrangement that once a month we will try out one of the eating places, maybe twice a month as there are so many!!!! Got home, the girls left and I did my hair and nails and went to bed….a good shopping day!!!

The week started with a bang and I was back into my 13hour shifts. Although I had no class on the Monday until the afternoon! Then later I found out they went to the Confucian temple! I wanted to go tooooooo! Abby got the brochure and we’ll go soon. The week flew by and the guys from BC phoned me to come fetch the HiFi. I organized with Jane, my new Chinese best friend, and after work on Wednesday we got on her scooter and went to go fetch it! Great, it was there and they had it waiting. The box was not too big but just uncomfortably sized. At least it had handle holes on the sides. So we started planning how we were going to get the box, me and her on the scooter, so Jane suggested I ride and she’ll hold the box, I advised against that option as she knows her bike better and will be able to counter weight etc etc . So she got on, I got on with the box resting on my left knee and leaning to the right and we were off. The poor scooter! Thank goodness it didn’t rain. We dodged a few cars, had to organize space for us to squeeze through and we got home. I obviously immediately started assembling the thing well into the evening and borrowed CD’s from Melissa to check whether the 5CD changer option worked well! It did, and what sound!!! I’m happy, I have a real room now, bed and Hifi what more do you want! Now, I’ll need to get CD’s!!!! Leki market used to have them at R25 a CD in Nigeria, get this, here, none of them are over NT35 which is R7….I’ll stay here…please send your lists through to me!!!

Anyway, Friday arrived and I had to go to the new school. Asked Judy for her scooter and she said no……..what?…no? What do you mean no? If I have enough time they want us to either walk or ride our own bikes because of the safety hazard on scooters. FINE!!! I’ll take my bike!! I started cycling in about 30C heat and in jeans! It was great! I had such a cool cycle. With the bicycle you go past things slower and you can actually see shops….more shops….cool places to come visit! I made it to the school in just under 20min. Shows you what the scooter does to you, it makes you lazy!! I had a good workout while window shopping. Today they had a world Peace moment from 2:00 to 2:30 and no cars drove around….best time to get where you want to! On my way back from the school, I saw many army trucks and a road block….so much for world peace!!!

I had the weirdest epiphany while cycling back to the school. I suddenly realized fully I was in Taiwan. A country I have only heard about in my entire 34 years. The other side of the world. If I start digging now I’ll come out in Jo’burg somewhere….I’m sure of it. It was so cool, I looked around me saw the emerald green rice paddies in the fields between the buildings, suddenly was aware of all the Asian people around, the writing and the odours from the shops and small votive temples along side the road! Wow, I’m really here! Cool!!! I’ll let everybody know……oh wait, they already do, I’ve been here for two months on the 24th already. Ok then.

There is a Moon Festival party on the 24th in our complex and we are all going! I’ll take pictures! This Saturday is Kim’s birthday party at the Flamingo and we’ll go flea marketing or something on Sunday.

Well, the party at Flamingo’s turned out to be quite the party so we cancelled Sunday! It was great. We were all sitting there and even the Chinese teachers joined in! Melissa and I bought a small little cake at the night market on the Friday. It’s a bout a A5 size compared to a A4 sized cake….if you get the picture. We whipped it out, got the stale sparklers going….my idea of course and sang while the sparklers were going haywire and nearly burning the pub down….so typical!!!

Anyway, we sang for Kim and Sara. Sara is one of the front desk ladies that help us in all our teachings and materials for teachings etc etc etc. It was her 22 birthday to……….WHAT!!! 22….wow, when was that? 19………sad hey? I’m ok…I’m ok. So there we were, Sunny the owner is quite the cool Chinese guy and the place just got fuller and fuller. And guess what, all foreign people, they were coming out of the woodwork!!! Even more SAfricans emerged. From Cape Town nogal! It was great seeing normal faces where ever you looked. Weird! We had a ball and left at about 2:30. In bed by 3:00am and sound asleep. Sunday we woke up after 10 and remembered we organized to go to the morning market near Abby’s place. Nothing happened and I went to the roof to go read my book and relax in the sun. We had a craving for KFC and I went to go fetch it down the road. All the tour buses were parked outside the temples and people were in the streets with their uniforms on waving little flags. Interesting, obviously celebrating the moon festival period. At about 5pm Abby arrived and we all just sat and chatted and watched 2 CSI Miami’s in a row and she left. The one day weekend went so quickly….why?????

So the rest of the week went by. And I had to go get an extension on my Visa….after all that!!! Lucky….once again for me, I could do it at the local police station 2min from the school. I came to school early on Tuesday, got everything organized and was off. Got there and this huge fancy Police Station looks more like a hotel foyer than a police station in our country! So I ask the guy at the front desk what I should do and he gave me a form and I filled it out. Now, they are not supposed to know that I am working. I am only extending my Visa for the sake of holidaying a bit more. I had to go to a room around the corner and spoke to a very straight forward Chinese lady. I had to get the friend that I was staying with to come in and then it changed to I should get this other form filled in by the friend. So off I go again and in between my lessons, Mr Woo (Judy’s husband) got everything filled in for me. And at about 13:30 off I go again. Then the back office people were on lunch and they’ll be back at 2:00. Ok then, back to school and only at about 4:00 could I go through again and they close at 5pm. So off I went again! This time there was a guy that could help me. Very funny guy…don’t know his name. After a barrage of questions, he said to me “OK, I give you two months.” I couldn’t believe my ears. From a normal 2 month visa I’m getting nearly 5 months wear out of it!. Coollll!!! Anyway, as we were talking he said that I must just get a work permit before I start working here….I was like, what was that? Noooooooo, I’m off to Sun Moon Lake and my friends want me to stay for the Moon Festival etc etc. He just smiled and handed me my passport with my extended two month visa. He knows, I know it. I think they get so many people doing the same thing and the next week or two you face him again with a work permit!!!! Teeheeeee.

So there I was, free from any stress of having to leave the country to get a renewal, although a trip to Hong Kong or Thailand would have been great round about now!

Friday arrived and we were all so paste with working so many hours that we were a bit lethargic when we spoke about the Moon festival party at our apartments. We said we’ll see what they have going when we get home. Got home and it was one big Karaoke event with families sitting around their tables and eating and braaiing. So more of a thanksgiving party kind of thing. We decided to give it a miss and have our own. The girls and Ryno pitched in and we christened our rusted braai that has never been used and after a tremendous Smokey Robinson effect in our flat we ate at about 1am. We all just chatted , listened to music and never got around to the 10 VCD’s on the table Abby brought. I got some fish and meat at Yumawo and some mayonnaise for the potato salad Abby was going to make. Got wine and was ready to party. Kim, Abby, Neps, Melissa, Ryno, myself and the Draco(the cat). He had a ball with all the attention and we realized that he had grown double his size since he was found, just skin and bones. He was eventually passed out hanging over the couch arm behind the wine bottles. Would have been a cool photo!!

Found Ming Chia Mei on Thursday, Abby took me to show me where it was. What a shop. Like a huge double story Clicks! Everything you want regarding cosmetics, clothes, shoes, snacky types of foods and kitchen stuff. To die for doll and everything is on sale! They have absolutely all types of things here and even things I recognize from home although the names are different. Once again the logo’s stay the same! Thank goodness. Taking the rest of the girls there on Saturday after school.

It’s Joyce’s birthday on Tuesday and everyone is invited to a coffee shop around the corner called Vogue. They have a strange way of celebrating their birthdays. Just a tea with the friends late afternoonish and then that’s it! No presents, no party till dawn, no nothing, just a card and a cake to die for! I must say, they rival the Germans with pastries here! Their cakes are quite a big thing here for special occasions. The night at Flaming when we whipped out our A5 sized cake they maneuvered in a cake that makes ours look like a cup cake! The box alone is impressive with gold writing on a cream background and the famous, nasty translations of a once stunning birthday wish or something. I’ll enclose some of the translations here……you will kill yourself laughing if you get over the confusion part……WHAT? Can you say that? Is there such a sentence pattern?

It’s the thought that counts! So, tomorrow, Sunday 26/9 we are off to the Moon Carnival at Sun Moon Lake, about an hour or two from Changhua. Can’t wait, camera ready, batteries new….ready, pose, shoot!!

Just as well I did take the extra batteries and my original memory card because I filled it all! I still had photo’s on the cards from the beginning of my trip. I got it downloaded at a little Fuji camera shop. So now we can start seeing what’s going on. Well, what a jol this weekend was.

We got up at about 7am, got a taxi to the train station, Kim, Neps and me. We met up with three new people we didn’t know but that were friends of Abby’s and Nicolene. We explored the train station for the first time and boy, am I going to travel now!!! It’s like a gateway to anywhere! NTS 27 = R5 for a trip to Taichung. Coool!!! Anyway, we had 3 min to get to the platform and we got on the train and was off.

Reminded me of the last time I rode on a train. London underground and this was so similar. We got to Taichung station at about 9 and started looking for a bus to Sun Moon Lake.

A guy approached us with a taxi kombi and quoted us a price on taking us there. After about half an hour and exploring different options as well we decided to take him up on his offer. So all 8 of us got into the taxi and off we went. I called him James, the driver. Just so that I could say “Home James” He immediately handed us brochures of Sun Moon Lake. I think he was very well organized for a bunch of foreigners. It was excellent. We eventually paid NTS 250 there and NTS 250 back and boy for our NTS 500, which is about R100 we got a full on guided tour, stops and chauffeuring around the lake that we would never have gotten on a bus! He was looking after us from 9am to 6pm when we got back home! AND he dropped us off in Changhua that we didn’t have to get a train back. It was the best deal out, we’ll definitely use him again, good driver too. He definitely planned it well, had all his connections along the way where we stopped and shopped….clever.

So we arrived at a small town called JiJi.

This little town has a unique tourist attraction which is a animal freak show. Albino snakes and weird animals. We didn’t go in, had other things to do, like shop around.

They were having a festival outside the small JiJi Train station. The small train that uses their railway is called Chi Chi. It’s like a banana express or the Cherry express etc. We were finally ushered into a shop that we didn’t really want to go into with lots of snacks and biscuits etc. We eventually walked out of there with about three paper bags each….empty nogal. I think these Chinese people must think there is something seriously wrong with us foreigners. It is probably like them walking into Checkers in SA and asking for 3 plastic carry bags and being ecstatic about it because they will use it as gift bags for presents back home. That’s us in JiJi. We freaked out about the stunning brown paper bags with a picture and Chinese writing on. I actually felt a tad embarrassed as we were trying to pay for the bags and they refused point blank to take our money for it. So I bought a yogurt to justify getting three stunning paper bags!

Next stop Sun Moon Lake. Our driver serenaded us a bit more and the next minute the blue green water of Sun Moon Lake stretched out before us and a holiday atmosphere was evident. People all over and stalls and colours and food smells! Stunning! Reminded me a lot of Hartebeespoort dam. The water was just clean and green blue because it was clear not full of algae! There was an International swimming contest on as well from one end of the lake to the other!

Quite a distance but on a day like this, what a pleasure! We drove around the lake and I just wanted to get out and start exploring but we kept on driving to the top of a hill where the magnificent Wen Wu Temple sat overlooking the lake! What an impressive site! We got out and started doing the tourist thing. I explored the flea market as we usually do, quite organized so that I don’t miss anything. I came upon a little stall with a honey drink. And obviously had to try it. It is called honey vinegar and it smelled a bit like vinegar but when you taste it, it has the most amazingly refreshing honey taste. I bought two glasses on ice and eventually had to buy the bottle to take it home and make it there! We then got to a stall that had a soup made of 8 different mushrooms in a huge pot. We stopped and had our breakfast there. It was a clear soup with all these mushrooms in and some herbs. Stunning! I never new there were so many different looking mushrooms…..you could eat! From weird little button type mushrooms attached to long stems to the weird huge ones cut up into pieces. I was sure I was going to be quite happy the rest of the day! The tastes were mixed and nothing like our bland Denni’s mushrooms, fresh crisp and spicy tastes and tastes I’ve never tasted before! Devine!

Anyway, we made our way into the temple and had to stop at the curio shop first. The most beautiful Chinese material tops and shoes. Most way to small but they are starting to cater for the fuller figure!

Well, what a temple! If you think the Roman Catholic Cathedrals are ornate and decadent, you must see this! The most amazing wood crafted window panes, the gold filigree in the walls and the statues in the little prayer rooms were amazing craftsmanship! Here was a little shop in the temple about the third floor with the most stunning woodwork I have ever seen, except for ma’s and tannie Elizabeth’s work of course! I took some photo’s. We went right to the top of the roof where it looks out over the different levels of the temple roofs and the lake in the back ground, what an experience, this is what life is all about!!

  After that we went to the Peacock and Butterfly park. The peacocks were a tad dodgy an looked like they have been harvested! Shame, they looked OK but a bit worse for wear, not like ours with at least the full plumage. The white ones were a bit dirty but the idea was cool.

The Butterfly park was closed…..since 1999 when they had their bad earthquake. It destroyed many of the buildings, including the butterfly park. We then went back down the hill to the town and where all the people were milling around the swimming contest. Got there and the contest had finished so we decided to go on a boat trip on to the lake. So for about R40 we got a boat of our own and we organized some drinks for our what was going to be a booze cruise. We designed a new shandy called the Taiwan Shandy, which was using Taiwan Beer and Nestea Lemon tea. Stunning, please try it! We just started and we stopped at a little drifting island in the lake.

The whole island which was probably the size of half a rugby field was entirely made out of drifting platforms of plants and flowers with a solid piece of island in the middle with a monument. Beautiful, it nearly looked like it could be Avalon.

At this stage there was a storm brewing and the mists were all over the place and the mountains, making it look just like a Scottish lake. Too beautiful! Their monuments are so well organized and soo much effort had been put into them with quality material and workmanship. The platforms were of a sturdy wood and the tourist information was on pieces of glass framed by the wood. They sandblasted the island shape and information on these pieces of glass along the path as you circle it. Every piece of glass had some information on a plant on the island with pictures of it. Stunning! We were there for about 15 min and was back on the boat off to a town on the opposite side of the lake. This town was the starting point in the swimming race. A long wooden jetty with a pagoda at the end greeted us. As well as a huge blow up bridge with two dolphin shapes bobbing merrily on top of it, probably the starting point of the race.

What a cool little town this was. The colourful poncho’s were lining the streets. This was more a historical village that showed us a bit more of the original inhabitants of the lake. The Shao and Han people. They are called aboriginal as well and their art reminded me a lot of African art. The figurines, the straw hair the shapes. Very interesting. They had some extraordinary arts and craft here and we’ll have to come back! Not enough money this time round.

We had a very interesting lunch snack at about 5. They make a thin dough lining in a circle shape, fill it with veggies like spring onions and some other greenery and lots of mushrooms, fold it closed into a little ball and deep fry it.

Stunning!! This was so nice, except for the oil it was quite healthy.

It started to rain and the foreigners walked back to our boat. The boat actually looked more like a typical taxi with a dragon on the side breathing fire! Cool!! We got back to shore and got into our taxi and off we went…..Home James!

But James had a another stop to make first. We stopped at a heritage village shop. Nobody wanted to get out of the combi, we were so tired and just wanted to go home. But we did and after all we were definitely getting our money’s worth! SO we got out and the next minute we were all being dressed up in traditional wear! We looked sooooo cool! Bright reds and blues and silver beading on the tops, jingling away merrily as we started posing for photo’s against a traditional painted background outside. Seeeee, everything happens for a reason, we had a ball after all and that’s not all……..then we were treated to green tea! This was turning into a typical Tupperware party. All the girls( all 8 of us) around a table and an old white haired Chinese gentleman pouring us tea from a little stove in front of him on one side of the table. Then they brought out the merchandise……honey, royal honey to drink, royal honey to use on your skin which has amazing rejuvenating abilities. Made by the queen be only, it’s not sticky or sweet like normal bee honey. We were all sold and bought some royal honey to stay young forever! Then we could buy a royal honey drink mix, but I declined saying I had my honey drink already thank you….next time. We got a little tour of some famous peoples pictures that were taken years ago of Chang Gai Shue, a famous person in the history of Taiwan. The Taipei airport is named after him. I will find out more about him.

Then we saw a weird little packaged item in the counter and asked about it. It turned out to be a deer fetus and there were 5 of them! They believe that if you grind it into a powder and drink it you will have longevity and health. At NT$15 000 = R3 000 per fetus! Interesting. What next? How do they get deer fetus if they don’t have to kill the mother? So much for the continuation of that species!

Anyway, we loved the experience and once again told James Home! This time we ended up in Changhua and walked home at a leisurely pace. I quickly went into a Fuji film shop and transferred my two filed up memory cards onto disk for NT$50. Excellent, now I can start all over again!

I couldn’t believe it was the end of the month already. Nearly payday, then we can travel again!

The 28th September is a holiday, no ways……an actual real holiday that people don’t go to work…weird!! So Tuesday came and the Moon Festival was celebrated. It was full moon on Monday night and Tuesday. They celebrate it here by having braais( BBQ’s) with their family, very much like a bit of a Thanksgiving, like I said. We slept late for the first time in a while! Did as little as possible and went shopping at Yumawo (our Woollies) for some braai things. We’ll have a braai of our own. We ate at about 7pm and everybody went to bed early! The Fire crackers have not stopped since. They started about a week before and carried on for about 2 days after. The poor dogs around here! There is no control over fireworks here and we saw kids lighting massive sounding crackers!! I don’t even want to know about it….thanx! So the crackers were going full blast until way past midnight on the Tuesday night. Chasing the bad spirits away! I’m sure it worked well………..other than polluting an already heavy polluted environment and air. The sky was thick with things burning from incense to fireworks to their little stoves on the door step burning paper to ward off evil over this time!

Anyway, savouring my day of doing nothing for a second I listened to my music on my Hi Fi, with Draco (the cat remember) trying to suckle my ear and fell fast asleep!

Well until we meet again………miss you all…….wish you were here!

Tsai Chien! (Goodbye in Chinese remember…there will be a test in the future and you could win a Chinese gift…….made in Taiwan, teehehheee)

  Taiwan Times Vol 2 Volume Two – September 2004 Ni Hao! (Chinese for hello remember) Ok, so after about three tries we got it right and the teething problems are over, we are at press!

[pa-awesome]

Small Lies That Escalated Into “This Is My Life Now”

• Found out a coworker was from the same city I grew up in. He asked what my "old man's" last name was. Being an unmarried woman, I assumed he was asking about my father to determine if he knew my family back home. Apparently he was asking about my non existent husband, so until he quit I carried on the facade that I had a husband from back home.

• My mom gave my sister a chocolate orange about 15 years ago and she kind of embarrassed the family by saying it was gross. I didn't want to make my parents feel bad so I said that I'd eat it. It was gross but I pretended to like it. Now every year for Christmas I get a chocolate orange.

• Pretended to be a girl on World of Warcraft for a solid two years. I didn't actually set out to do it, just never corrected anyone when they assumed I was and by the time I thought to come clean it seemed too awkward.

• I convinced pretty much everyone in my life that I was allergic to coconut at a young age. I simply just didn't like it at all and it was a good way to avoid eating it (logic of a pre-teen mind). My mom played along. It wasn't until about 3 years ago when my mother in law had a surprise birthday party for her husband and she made a german chocolate cake. The kicker here: she did HALF of it coconut and half without so I could enjoy the cake and not have an allergic reaction to it. I broke down. Laughed. Told them it wasn't true and I actually am not allergic. Her face melted. I hadn't realized how long I had kept up the lie until that very moment.

• When I was 12 years old, I lied about my age and made myself older for about 3 years, so I could still be somewhat cool in WoW. Now some of my WoW friends settled over with me to other games, and whenever I meet someone new, they're likely connected to them. At this point it's too awkward to explain that I'm not the oldest, but in fact the youngest in our friendgroup.

• Told one guy i was canadian bc they asked why i apologized so much. That was in 1st grade, im now a junior in highschool and people are shocked when they find out im not canadian

• I dated a guy who's father was a minister. I liked this guy a lot. I knew their church was one of those loud, dancing talking in tongues churches and his parents asked me to come to church with them. The dad did this whole long ass sermon about premarital sex and being saved. The guy I was dating kept nudging me and his family kept smirking so when they asked who felt the Holy Spirit and wanted to be saved I walked up to the front, everyone was jumping around and people were getting popped in the forehead and going into convulsions on the floor. I pretended to feel it. They smacked my forehead, I fell back, I just laid there with a few other people on the floor with my eyes closed wondering if I should twitch or something. Afterwards everyone was hugging me and his parents were crying.....

• I was working at a small company about 10 years ago, around the holidays. It was approaching Thanksgiving, and the ladies in my department had organized a pot luck luncheon. I was adding my contribution to the sign-up sheet when I noticed that one particular co-worker had signed up to bring brownies. She was a nice, single, older woman who had many pets at home (2-3 cats and as many dogs) and was regularly covered in a layer of pet fur. The day of the party had arrived, and everyone was going around filling their plates. There they were on the dessert table - the brownies. I didn't want to eat any of them, but I also didn't want to be impolite - so I told her I couldn't have any because I was allergic to nuts. Fast forward 9 years, and I am out with a friend (who had also been a co-worker at this company) I had kept since that job. After a few drinks, I tell her, tearfully, that I have a confession to make - I'm not really allergic to nuts. She burst out laughing, thinking it was going to be something much more serious than that. She is the only person I have made this confession to.

• A dude I knew was giving this girl some shit and she kicked him in the nuts. Ok, extreme reaction, but such is life. He doubled over in pain, but since he was kind of a douche anyway, no one cared much. The next day (a Friday) his dad took him out of school for some reason. Then when he returned on Monday he learned that the big rumor was that his balls ruptured from the kick, and he had to get emergency surgery. Rather than correcting anyone, he went along with it. This went on for years. People made fun of him, and he just joked about it. There were idiotic songs people sung about him. He laughed about it. Never denied it once, in fact participated in some of the joking at times. Finally, one day about 3 years later he comes clean. She didn't even actually kick him in the balls, just in the gut and it really knocked the wind out of him. After all this time, the dude who got kicked in the balls was basically his identity. Strange turn of events.

• When I was 16, I humored some Mormon missionaries to make my best friend and his family happy (they were Mormon). So after a few home "lessons" about the LDS church I had already showed a lot of fake support and interest. Being awkward, I didn't want to admit to not being interested. When they asked if I wanted to be baptised weeks later, I said yes, imagining I'd eventually back out. I didn't. Became an athiest Mormon. After months of living this double life, attending church, etc, my mom decided to show support by becoming Mormon. I was mortified. My recovering Catholic dad pulls me aside and asks me if I really believe this stuff. I explained everything to him and he thought it was hilarious. I also made him promise not to tell Mom because, again, awkward and too far deep. She asked me to baptise her and I refused. This insulted her. Fast forward a year or so and I distanced myself from church people while still maintaining the close relationship with my friend and his family. It's been 12 years now, and we still hang out weekly and nobody considers me Mormon. I never explained this to him.

• The second or third week of college my freshman year I stumbled into a room where a newly acquired friend and his roommate were playing kingdom hearts. We briefly talked about how much they loved the game, etc. Eventually, I fall asleep on their futon from general college induced exhaustion. An indeterminable amount of time later, I wake up to them quietly talking about what to do with the person napping on the couch. Not wanting to be rude, I tell them "Oh sorry - I wasn't really napping" They call me out on my buffoonery, and I decide to double down that I WAS NOT NAPPING. We get into a pretty heated argument about what constitutes a nap and the specific things that I was doing if it were not napping. I do not back down and start essentially yelling at them that I was not napping. This grew into an uncontrollable inside joke where whenever I would go anywhere with these guys they would say something like "man, its a good thing bendernas doesn't take naps", he'll be the life of the party. Or some shit. This slowly spreads to basically everything we did (small school of ~ 3000 students, where most people had some sort of obscure connection to most other people) and I eventually became known as the person who didn't take naps. (edit: i love naps) A few years later we became roommates and the proceed to wake me up basically every single day whenever I took a nap.

• When I got out of college, I got accepted in an internship. After that internship, they hired me. When they asked about my diploma, I said the truth, that I needed a few more general classes(French and PE) to finish and get my diploma. They said: No problem, but you have to get your diploma. I said(the beginning of the lie): It's alright, I'm already registered for the classes next semester. They said: Ok but make sure you get it soon! Then never asked about it again, even after changing HR management twice since then. I've been working here for 10 years now, never went back for my diploma. I know it's stupid, but let's hope I end my career here or something.

• Living in a College Town, every year around spring graduation there's one or two "I'm here to see my kid graduate, but I haven't been able to locate them" families. Usually kids that stopped going, pocketed their parents money, and/or just gave up and couldn't handle telling the family. It ends sadly sometimes. That's a big lie/deception to deal with and maintain. It almost always comes to a head.

• My first relationship. A few days in, then-girlfriend tells me she isn't ready to go public just yet and if we could just pretend we weren't together for a few days then she would be ready. Six months later, I had lied to so many people for her I can't tell whats real anymore and any time I asked her if we could stop because it was messing with me she refused and argued her way out of it. Looking back on this fucks with my head to this day. Amazing how much things like that can snowball.

• One time someone who I wanted to be better friends with showed me a metal gear solid meme and me being me I pretended to understand it. I then was forced to research all the games and their plots, Easter eggs, quotable characters, and other memes to better fake understanding. I still have never played a metal gear solid game.

• My fiance has a great one. She's a picky eater, and rather than tell her best friend that she doesn't like bananas, she told her "I'm allergic to bananas." For YEARS, her best friend would make sure everything was banana-free. From cakes, to desserts, to even clearing her house of anything banana related. After close to 15 years, my fiance finally told her "Hey, I just don't like bananas." Nervous, thinly veiled hatred in the form of laughter ensued.

• One teacher at school said my name wrong and I was too anxious to correct him. Long story short it’s almost been a year and I’m in too deep to say anything else.

• I live in Cambridge, UK and my go to answer to those "interesting-facts-about-you" moments (you know, corporate icebreakers or interview stuff) is that I got knocked over by Stephen Hawking whilst on the pavement near my house. Partly true as in he lives in the city, travels out and about on said streets. Truth is I just saw him on a path once. I was driving. People love that it's a bit different so imma keep using it.

• A buddy of mine's dad had a funny ongoing joke of sometimes referring to his son's friends by similar, but incorrect names. Trent became Trevor, Scott became Sam, Ethan became Eric. Just silly stuff like that. So in that vein he starts calling me 'Donald' (jesse is my middle name, my first one starts with 'D'). At first I thought he was joking, but he just. Didn't. Stop. Its been years, and now that we're all moved out and on our own I rarely ever see him. But he still calls me Donald whenever I do, and at this point its way too late to correct him.

• This is a small thing, I don't go by my full name but when I sign up for classes at my gym, it's done through an app and shows up on the roster as my full name. I never thought that anyone there would eventually know me by name, so when the instructor would take attendance I just never corrected in. But now I'm a year in and I'm casually friendly with most people there and I'm in way too deep to correct them now. It's not that I mind my full name that much, I have just never really gone by it.

[myfuckofffundjourney]

Money Diary, Week #3

Thursday Jan 18

Wake up, bus to the shuk - 5.9 nis. Grab a coffee and I don’t even want it. 11 nis. So weird. Maybe it’s because I’m already running late and feeling anxious about time. I drink half and then grab groceries for the client I’m cooking for, all of which I’ll get reimbursed for so I won’t list them. I also cab to their place - billing them as well. Nobody got time to haul groceries on a bus #lazy.

After cooking for 6 hrs (hey guess who just made +1200nis!!) I pack a meal from what I made (chicken, potatoes, and an Asian pear, and it’s all fucking delicious, and free, and I even had a container because of yesterdays lunch that I took to school, score!) and bus to the central bus station. 5.9 I’m feeling a bit woozy so grab soda water to calm my stomach. 7 nis. I decide to finally buy a pair of Blundstones, a decision I’ve thought about for literally like five years. I see a pair that I like that are on sale for 350 and I grab them. Also add 50 nis to Rav Kav. The boots feel great in the store and for the dash to the bus, but as soon as I’m off the bus and walking to class, they start to kill! I’m worried I got the wrong size, even though the next half size up is way too big on me. I take them off in middle of class to make sure I don’t fuck them up too badly. Finish class, head home, make toast with peanut butter and hang out with Josh.

Friday Jan 19

Wake up and peel myself out of bed to grab some random groceries - I have no coffee in the house, and really feel like having eggs for breakfast. At the grocery store, I also find an avocado thats not hard as a rock (fun fact: apparently there were no deliveries of avocados to Israel for a week and so the price doubled, and none of them are ready yet. I don’t care that the price is doubled - it’s only like 6 shekel anyway and i’ve been wanting an avocado all week.) I get eggs, an avocado, and laundry detergent - 28 nis. There is a massive bag of Tide for 60 shekel (8 kg) and I think I might get it because it smells so nice and is cheaper per kilo than anything in the store and will last for like, half a year or something. And in two weeks I’ll even have a HOUSE to store it in!!!

I stop at my favorite coffee grinder guy and pick up 100g of coffee for 6 nis and think back to when I was living in Florentine and I could find the same amount for at a minimum 10 nis, usually more. Thank you, Jaffa gods, for making prices reasonable.  This usually can last for almost a week, but it’s exam season and I’m going to be mainlining coffee.

When i get home, I make a good breakfast (toast, eggs, salad, coffee) and THEN I CAN DO MY LAUNDRY! FOR FREE!!!! I’m so effing excited, it’s been literally four months without a washing machine at my disposal. I’ll probably need to throw some things in the dryer at the laundromat because its going to be a fucking COLD weekend and I have no clean socks and stuff, but still!

Anyway, I’m at my next conundrum, which is the fact that it’s now sale season and there are so many things I want/need. In the wants column, we’ll just put new clothes. I’m v bored of that I have and would love some new additions. In the needs column, we’ll put shoes - this is a biggie, I hate buying shoes and spending money on them - house items (coffee table, bed, closet, curtains, oven), a new phone (this one is pissing me off with its jerkiness and general crappy demanour. I could probably get it to work well if I do a factory reset but the screen is also cracked and replacing it will cost at least 400 nis. I’d rather get a new/secondhand phone.) Anyway, IKEA is having a sale, all the clothing stores are having massive sales, and I’m not sure what to do. These are more investment type items, but it’s still hard to justify spending the money. And then the fact that Uri and Jordana are getting married soon - I’ll actually make a bit of money from catering his aufruf kiddush/her shabbat kallah dinner, but not a ton.

I FINALLY get a message that I’m getting paid for an event I did like, three weeks ago - that’s another +1,630. YESSSS. That plus an extra +500 for shabbat will be so helpful for the move.

Run out to throw some things in the dryer - I just collect random shekels and don’t actually keep track, but i think it’s around 8 nis. While waiting for my stuff to dry, I get some binders, highlighters, little page markers, and also use the stores hole-puncher to hole-punch LITERALLY like 500 pages of notes. Don’t have to buy a hole-puncher though! It’s still 33 nis. Ugh.

I end up heading to Jerusalem kinda stupidly late, and end up taking a taxi to the bus station with Josh, but he covers it because he owes me money for groceries. The sherut is 35 nis - ugh. I’ve left my purse at home so Josh lends me a 50 that he also says to use toward groceries.

Saturday Jan 20

I work for WAY longer than I would have wanted to, and it really isn’t very much money, and I really needed the time to study, but on the other hand, it was pretty easy and it was 500 nis. So, balances out. After Shabbat is out I head to Jerusalem - 5.9 for the train, and 16 nis for the bus. When I get to Tel Aviv, the bus to my house is a friggin half hour away so I have to walk home, which is a massive waste of time. Really need to sit and calculate how much that half hour was worth to me, because I’m SOOOO behind on my studying, but can I just stay up a half hour later? Does life even work that way?

I make a peanut butter and banana wrap. Wraps are THE BEST thing to have around but I never buy them because I feel like they’re expensive? But a friend left these at my house and they’ve been the base of many a quick happy dinner, so maybe I’ll keep them around. Also come up with a plan to market myself as a meal-prep delivery service for people who can’t cook at home... i wonder if I’d ever actually execute that.

Sunday January 21

Basically spend all day inside studying/making food/cleaning/doing laundry. All of these are relatively money-less endeavours! On my way to school I do grab some fruit because I have none in the house. 9 nis

A friend coming from New York places an order on amazon for me for bamboo toothbrushes and charcoal exfoliating gloves - those guys are the shit and I hate throwing out plastic toothbrushes. They last quite a while and it only comes out to 70 shek - I’ll pay him when I see him.

Monday January 22

I meet Kim at the shuk for a grocery shop. It doesn’t really feel so smart to do the shop before my CSA gets in. I need to recalibrate my weeks so that I can do it on Tuesday morning and not be starving. Anyway, I get:

Parmesan and goat cheese - 24.6

Oatmeal, wild rice, and raisins - 20

Salmon - the guy cuts me way more than I asked for and I tell him off. I asked for 300 grams for a reason, mister, not for 350 grams. I’m turning into an asshole lol. 33 nis

Avocado, sweet potato, zucchini, chilis - 18 nis

Clementines, potatoes, cherry tomatoes, and an impulse buy dragon fruit - 34 nis

Green onion - 5 nis

On the way home, I still can use my transfer on my Rav Kav. Hell yes. Now I just need to stock up on things like more coffee, wraps, and one or two other things, but between this and the CSA I should be good for the week.

At home i make a big pot of rice, roasted veggies, two sauces (one using up cilantro that was going bad and yogurt I didn’t feel like eating), salmon, and sauteed greens from last weeks CSA. Now I have food options! And I only need to finish my celery and romaine lettuce from the CSA. Don’t know what to do with it though. Hmm.

Buttttt ugh I get an email from the school. I owe tuition, I think it’s loan time. I’m thinking of asking them if I can consolidate the debt, and when I do a huge work event I can throw a few thousand shekel at tuition. PAYING FOR SCHOOL IS SUCH A BITCH. But at least the loan system here doesn’t blow. I also get an email about a grant. GRANT I NEED YOU GET IN MY WALLET.

CSA box comes with some dope looking ingredients. I’ll have to cook wisely this week so nothing gets wasted though - my fridge is already FULL of food. What a nice feeling :).

Tuesday January 23

I wake up late, ugh. Go grab coffee - this time i get double what I got last week - rice milk, and cashews, to maybe turn into butter. It comes out to way more than i anticipated - 44 nis. Eek.Still though, haven’t eaten out once this week except for one coffee and one bottle of water, so I’m feeling good! Then I feel terrible when i think about tuition and moving. Gah! Cashew butter tastes amazing though, so there’s that!

Finally get an answer to an insurance claim I filed (and won) months ago! They had sent me a cheque (srsly who does that) which I never received, so they are going to cancel it, and wire me the funds. It’s around $350 - just wish I’d done this before the dollar crashed so hard. Oh well. Still free-ish money!

Buy an eclair. I need some comfort sweets. Interestingly, I don’t think I’ve had anything with overt amounts of processed sugar in a few days - since Saturday, I guess. I’ve had honey in my tea and stuff, but that’s it. I wonder if I’ll feel anything? It’s only mediocre but I needed to get out and interact with a human who is not Josh/the dog. 10 nis.

Wednesday January 24

I have to print some notes for this exam that i am definitely in no way passing (hi moed bet!) It’s way more expensive than it would be at school. Damn. 12.5

Total: 770.7 - minus shoes - 420.7

School/misc- 403 (includes a 350 nis pair of shoes that are too small and that I will try to return)

Groceries- 221

Eating out- 28

Transportation - 118.7

Money earned: 500, 1620

The takeaway from this week is: School is effing expensive, and I spent freely on groceries to not be tempted to eat out which worked (slash my extreme isolation/studying helps too) but I also bought a lot of “nice things” that I don’t need. On the other hand, I’ll have lots of food stored for the next week or two. Wins all around, I think. Would be nice to get most of my weeks spending to look like this (minus the shoes) - I could be down with spending only 400 nis a week.

[plasticsharks]

Finding Meaning in Life

I just interviewed to work with an 83 year old woman. I left contemplating finding meaning in life. We were both in the process of finding meaning, but at very different life stages.

Overall, she is very healthy, and until recently, was able to walk quickly with no problems. She lives in a wonderful independent living facility in Boulder, Colorado. Why then does she need a team of people around her?

Her three sons all live in Boulder and brought her here because her husband died a few years ago. So, she lives far from everything she knew, lost her husband and is very afraid of being alone. She calls her children frequently for visits. So, they are looking for people to help her, basically help her find meaning in her life, outside being a wife and mother.

As a woman I so completely relate to this. It seems to be in every cell of our body to care and nurture on some level. We have the very new ability to do much more than care and nuture and some women have no desire to have children, which is wonderful we can now choose!! But, most every woman I have met has an incredible ability to care and nuture. Birthing, feeding, clothing, and caring for others has been most of the scope of womenhood since we crawled out of the sea or were dropped down from heaven or goodness knows what. It’s what we do and how we find meaning.

I just spent the last year and a half with a goal of building some websites and selling our home, then moving into a new home. I worked many long hours at all of the above, but since creating new work for myself and moving homes is very unsettling, I continually thought about what meaning there was in my life. I was in the process of creating new work and a new home. What did I want this to look like? What had meaning for me and how did I want to incorporate this into my life? Really, what was the meaning of life, now, for me?

I really wanted to learn to enjoy my life and be a mother. I didn’t really know how to enjoy life while being unsettled around work and family. Work had always given me meaning. I started working at the age of 9 babysitting four days a week, graduated high school just a few days after turning 17 and college when I was 20. After getting a business degree, I knew I wanted to do something meaningful with it, but ended up working with children and adolescents who had very difficult lives, instead of working in business. This seemed very meaningful, but also very taxing to my being. At any given time I was around many children at one time, all needing attention and help, and I felt lost in their ocean of troubles. How exactly could I help? Being one kind person in their day or week was nice, but didn’t feel like the amount it taxed in the negative me was really creating an equally positive impact on their lives.

My Master’s Degree from Naropa University was very helpful in making meaning of working with them. My job was to focus on finding their brilliant sanity- the beauty of spirit unique to that child. I think I did a great job. Life took me in the direction of being an Event Coordinator for Naropa University for four years instead of a therapist. I loved the work. I helped put on amazing classes that many people benefited from and that helped them touch their heart in many instances.

The department closed and I was left feeling pretty certain I wanted to start my own business and the best idea I had was to start a website for family services for Boulder County. That started a snowball of learning about all things internet. A fascinating world, but not very relational and hard to make meaning of the work. My focus was on working hard now to set up a somewhat passive revenue stream for the future. I worked on another website for many, many months about product reviews on the hopes of making a healthy amount of passive income. Almost one year into it, I make very little. I tried to make the site helpful for consumers, but the passion for it came from one day being able to have my monetary dreams come true, not from the day to day building of the website.

My hope was with the amount of money I hoped to make from the website, I could have the time to do things I loved. Paint, garden, play with my 3 dogs, have fun getaways with my husband, meditate and go on retreats, and above all, earn enough money to have children and have everything our family needed including time, material resources and paid help. I worked everyday hoping it would pay off so I could be a happy, well resourced mother. As time went on and the websites didn’t turn very profitable (it’s only been a year and a half since the first went live, so I still have lots of hope for them) and babies didn’t show up, I was left with much uncertainty as to where to go, which brought up the search for meaning again. I wanted to be a successful entrepreneur and I really wanted to be a mother. With neither on the horizon, what meaning did my life have or could it ever have?

I am very lucky to have spent much of my adult years developing a spiritual life. The most brilliant teachers I have connected with, the Dalai Lama, Thich Nhat Hanh, Trungpa Rinpoche and Pema Chodron say very similar things. Meaning comes from being of benefit to others and to the world. While my websites were of benefit to people, I wasn’t benefitting from them. I rarely got any appreciation from those that used them and got very little monetary return for my work. So, that equation didn’t hold much meaning for me.

I sunk into a dark place where I couldn’t see how my life had been of much meaning to anyone. I felt like a big failure at businesses and at becoming a mother. I was pretty sure until I was successful at business, we probably couldn’t conceive a baby because I would feel too stressed on how we’d afford the expensive little bundle of joy. I was a nanny for much of the last ten years to supplement my income and was certain I wanted to be a stay at home mother. This seemed to be the best scenario for the children. No one who cared for them could love them like their parents. So, every minute with other caregivers was time around people doing a job instead of time around the people who loved them more than they could believe.

I worked my entire adult life, except for the time working at Naropa, caring for children because I wanted to have all the wisdom I could as a mother. From these experiences I developed a strong vision for a well resourced, supportive, joyful family life, but it had neither a successful business or family in it. Yes, this made it pretty empty and depressing!

The one thing I loved at this point was my psyhic clairvoyant classes. I loved my teachers, my fellow students and loved developing my psychic intuitive abilities. It was my favorite thing since my studies at Naropa. This had meaning for me. When I did my psychic readings for those who came to the center to be read, I could tell the readings were very helpful and cleared some blocks for them. Well, I still needed to make money and being a psychic wasn’t going to pay the mortgage yet since I was still an undergradute psychic student and wanted to wait until I graduated to make the leap to doing this on my own.

Weeks turned into months where I was in an increasing state of depression. Numb to the joys of life and very aware of the pain. The only future I could see was one without anything that held meaning. I loved my husband and doggies and new home very much and felt rediculous for being so sad, but I didn’t want to work as a 40 hr per week slave just to pay the mortgage on a home that we spent a lot of money on because it would be a great family home, way too much for two people, even with three dogs.

I couldn’t imagine a full time job that would have a lot of meaning and at this point I couldn’t really fathom what could possibly have meaning that I could do well. I have more skills with children than almost anyone I know, but no longer had the energy or desire to make that a full time thing outside of being a mother. It was really just devastating not to have a child yet. I felt I’d spent more than a decade preparing for a job in a field that was not hiring at this time. I imagined I felt very similar to the mother whos children just left home. The meaning to her life and what she was the very best at in the world no longer needed her on a daily basis, maybe only for a few hours monthly.

I felt like without being a mother, I just saw a future that was shallow and the only meaning it might hold would be to search for others to help to try to ease my pain of longing. I didn’t see much joy in helping these people since it was only in lieu of doing what I really want to do, but it might give me meaning and hopefully a renewed reason to keep on with the insanity of life. How could I suffer less was what I focused upon. Yeah, feeling the depths of my sadness and suffering I felt was important, but a few months of that had to give way to something else because sinking into it more seemed like it would only leave me a pile of rubble on the floor and of benefit to no one!

In my search for work, I found a job posting for a caregiver for Belle, the 83 year old woman. I felt drawn to this posting though not sure why. As I listened to her children tell me her story, I realized that we both are searching for meaning and feel a little lost in the process. I have known for years that even when I did have children I would have to find meaning outside of them to not smother them and put the pressure of being my reason to live upon them. I have not yet found a strong passion, except for being a psychic healer eventually and knew that if I did end up working with Belle, I would be able to help her create meaning of her life and find a light for herself to continue on, as well as work with my past life karma of having no meaning outside of being a mother and falling apart once that meaning was gone. As I might help her search for a new meaning to her life, I might also discover one for myself, both of us as women without any children to give us meaning, finding one for ourselves.

from Psychic Giant – Find The Best Online Psychic! http://ift.tt/2lU7E3p

[castawaychloe]

Finding Meaning in Life

I just interviewed to work with an 83 year old woman. I left contemplating finding meaning in life. We were both in the process of finding meaning, but at very different life stages.

Overall, she is very healthy, and until recently, was able to walk quickly with no problems. She lives in a wonderful independent living facility in Boulder, Colorado. Why then does she need a team of people around her?

Her three sons all live in Boulder and brought her here because her husband died a few years ago. So, she lives far from everything she knew, lost her husband and is very afraid of being alone. She calls her children frequently for visits. So, they are looking for people to help her, basically help her find meaning in her life, outside being a wife and mother.

As a woman I so completely relate to this. It seems to be in every cell of our body to care and nurture on some level. We have the very new ability to do much more than care and nuture and some women have no desire to have children, which is wonderful we can now choose!! But, most every woman I have met has an incredible ability to care and nuture. Birthing, feeding, clothing, and caring for others has been most of the scope of womenhood since we crawled out of the sea or were dropped down from heaven or goodness knows what. It’s what we do and how we find meaning.

I just spent the last year and a half with a goal of building some websites and selling our home, then moving into a new home. I worked many long hours at all of the above, but since creating new work for myself and moving homes is very unsettling, I continually thought about what meaning there was in my life. I was in the process of creating new work and a new home. What did I want this to look like? What had meaning for me and how did I want to incorporate this into my life? Really, what was the meaning of life, now, for me?

I really wanted to learn to enjoy my life and be a mother. I didn’t really know how to enjoy life while being unsettled around work and family. Work had always given me meaning. I started working at the age of 9 babysitting four days a week, graduated high school just a few days after turning 17 and college when I was 20. After getting a business degree, I knew I wanted to do something meaningful with it, but ended up working with children and adolescents who had very difficult lives, instead of working in business. This seemed very meaningful, but also very taxing to my being. At any given time I was around many children at one time, all needing attention and help, and I felt lost in their ocean of troubles. How exactly could I help? Being one kind person in their day or week was nice, but didn’t feel like the amount it taxed in the negative me was really creating an equally positive impact on their lives.

My Master’s Degree from Naropa University was very helpful in making meaning of working with them. My job was to focus on finding their brilliant sanity- the beauty of spirit unique to that child. I think I did a great job. Life took me in the direction of being an Event Coordinator for Naropa University for four years instead of a therapist. I loved the work. I helped put on amazing classes that many people benefited from and that helped them touch their heart in many instances.

The department closed and I was left feeling pretty certain I wanted to start my own business and the best idea I had was to start a website for family services for Boulder County. That started a snowball of learning about all things internet. A fascinating world, but not very relational and hard to make meaning of the work. My focus was on working hard now to set up a somewhat passive revenue stream for the future. I worked on another website for many, many months about product reviews on the hopes of making a healthy amount of passive income. Almost one year into it, I make very little. I tried to make the site helpful for consumers, but the passion for it came from one day being able to have my monetary dreams come true, not from the day to day building of the website.

My hope was with the amount of money I hoped to make from the website, I could have the time to do things I loved. Paint, garden, play with my 3 dogs, have fun getaways with my husband, meditate and go on retreats, and above all, earn enough money to have children and have everything our family needed including time, material resources and paid help. I worked everyday hoping it would pay off so I could be a happy, well resourced mother. As time went on and the websites didn’t turn very profitable (it’s only been a year and a half since the first went live, so I still have lots of hope for them) and babies didn’t show up, I was left with much uncertainty as to where to go, which brought up the search for meaning again. I wanted to be a successful entrepreneur and I really wanted to be a mother. With neither on the horizon, what meaning did my life have or could it ever have?

I am very lucky to have spent much of my adult years developing a spiritual life. The most brilliant teachers I have connected with, the Dalai Lama, Thich Nhat Hanh, Trungpa Rinpoche and Pema Chodron say very similar things. Meaning comes from being of benefit to others and to the world. While my websites were of benefit to people, I wasn’t benefitting from them. I rarely got any appreciation from those that used them and got very little monetary return for my work. So, that equation didn’t hold much meaning for me.

I sunk into a dark place where I couldn’t see how my life had been of much meaning to anyone. I felt like a big failure at businesses and at becoming a mother. I was pretty sure until I was successful at business, we probably couldn’t conceive a baby because I would feel too stressed on how we’d afford the expensive little bundle of joy. I was a nanny for much of the last ten years to supplement my income and was certain I wanted to be a stay at home mother. This seemed to be the best scenario for the children. No one who cared for them could love them like their parents. So, every minute with other caregivers was time around people doing a job instead of time around the people who loved them more than they could believe.

I worked my entire adult life, except for the time working at Naropa, caring for children because I wanted to have all the wisdom I could as a mother. From these experiences I developed a strong vision for a well resourced, supportive, joyful family life, but it had neither a successful business or family in it. Yes, this made it pretty empty and depressing!

The one thing I loved at this point was my psyhic clairvoyant classes. I loved my teachers, my fellow students and loved developing my psychic intuitive abilities. It was my favorite thing since my studies at Naropa. This had meaning for me. When I did my psychic readings for those who came to the center to be read, I could tell the readings were very helpful and cleared some blocks for them. Well, I still needed to make money and being a psychic wasn’t going to pay the mortgage yet since I was still an undergradute psychic student and wanted to wait until I graduated to make the leap to doing this on my own.

Weeks turned into months where I was in an increasing state of depression. Numb to the joys of life and very aware of the pain. The only future I could see was one without anything that held meaning. I loved my husband and doggies and new home very much and felt rediculous for being so sad, but I didn’t want to work as a 40 hr per week slave just to pay the mortgage on a home that we spent a lot of money on because it would be a great family home, way too much for two people, even with three dogs.

I couldn’t imagine a full time job that would have a lot of meaning and at this point I couldn’t really fathom what could possibly have meaning that I could do well. I have more skills with children than almost anyone I know, but no longer had the energy or desire to make that a full time thing outside of being a mother. It was really just devastating not to have a child yet. I felt I’d spent more than a decade preparing for a job in a field that was not hiring at this time. I imagined I felt very similar to the mother whos children just left home. The meaning to her life and what she was the very best at in the world no longer needed her on a daily basis, maybe only for a few hours monthly.

I felt like without being a mother, I just saw a future that was shallow and the only meaning it might hold would be to search for others to help to try to ease my pain of longing. I didn’t see much joy in helping these people since it was only in lieu of doing what I really want to do, but it might give me meaning and hopefully a renewed reason to keep on with the insanity of life. How could I suffer less was what I focused upon. Yeah, feeling the depths of my sadness and suffering I felt was important, but a few months of that had to give way to something else because sinking into it more seemed like it would only leave me a pile of rubble on the floor and of benefit to no one!

In my search for work, I found a job posting for a caregiver for Belle, the 83 year old woman. I felt drawn to this posting though not sure why. As I listened to her children tell me her story, I realized that we both are searching for meaning and feel a little lost in the process. I have known for years that even when I did have children I would have to find meaning outside of them to not smother them and put the pressure of being my reason to live upon them. I have not yet found a strong passion, except for being a psychic healer eventually and knew that if I did end up working with Belle, I would be able to help her create meaning of her life and find a light for herself to continue on, as well as work with my past life karma of having no meaning outside of being a mother and falling apart once that meaning was gone. As I might help her search for a new meaning to her life, I might also discover one for myself, both of us as women without any children to give us meaning, finding one for ourselves.

from Psychic Giant – Find The Best Online Psychic! http://ift.tt/2lU7E3p

[starlalieberman-blog]

Right here Is Just what You Should Do For Your instructor.

3 Tips Regarding instructor You Cannot Afford To Miss

When lots of people, also instructors, hear the word mathematics, their tummies start to tighten up. They believe that math is hard, not easily understood and also as well intricate to actually obtain. For that reason, the educator ought to be aware of the cultural individuality of each and every pupil. I made use of to get a lot of praises on exactly how great I was looking as a result of all the hard work with weights from an ex-spouse teacher that is a lady. A good teacher is somebody who appreciates the entire kid as well as assists that youngster be the most effective she can be. It's not nearly pouring knowledge in. I essentially tracked the previous art instructor for two years to obtain the task (she's a friend that was retiring). Schedule a seminar with your youngster as well as his teacher throughout which you review just the positive facets of his or her learning. A bell is always the best for loud class jobs, when the trainees here the bell they have to quit, take a look at the teacher and also be peaceful too. When thinking of some of the wonderful teachers in my life, there are lots of characteristics that come to mind. It will be valuable to take an on-line grad debt course in the field if you have a passion in functioning with special needs pupils. If that is a concern, in self mentor one does not have to stick or pay to a rigorous schedule. Dedicate your instructor with several of the loveliest songs suggested exclusively for teacher's day. If you 'd rather obtain something for the teacher herself, take the lead from your child. Educators can obtain support for their class procedures by sending out a letter of introduction house with trainees and also consisting of a copy of the class treatments for the moms and dads to examine. Hence, basically we could acquire that, in her partiality the instructor harms both the kid that is favoured and also the kid who is not. Some enjoyed the experience, while others didn't take care of it. I was shocked to find that in my location, independent schools pay much less compared to public colleges do. I'm sure this varies from state to state effectively and efficiently (http://eidiseisevexias.ovh/το-goji-cream-κριτική-γιατί-αυτή-η-κρέμα) also from private school to independent school. There are no legislations that prevent the educator from owning the trainee or having lunch with him. Yes, some book analysis was called for and also several of the discovering was monotonous; not all teachers were excellent. Asking inquiries allows your teacher the chance to see where your understanding could be boosted. ESL educators are mostly employed by institutions in countries where English is not their mother tongue. An ideal violin instructor should be skillful player at the same time he ought to likewise be enthusiastic towards informing you. . Since i understood it would certainly be worse in the end for me, I have had a crush on an educator however i recognized not to hug him. Yet i think as long as your okay with it on both ends and also its all in great nature. There are specific things during your yoga exercise instructor training program helps you to explore your own constraints as well as fears of becoming an incredible instructor. Nonetheless, many instructors are not making the most of their educator resume unbiased.

The A - Z Overview Of teacher.

Incorporation classrooms are a remarkable principle yet it takes a lot of training, persistence and also compassion for these teachers. You can virtually be certain that special education and learning colleges employ educator assistants. Secured financings, also called house owner lendings, are only available if you currently pay a mortgage on a property. If you are the type of person with uncertain job times, do extreme traveling, have toddlers at home and in general, have a rough routine, you will profit significantly from an educator who is more flexible. This easy habit taught me the relevance of coming back to the family no matter where on world were you the entire day. I have actually had terrific feedback from students in the process and know I have it in me to be one of those influential-type instructors that many educators truly wish to be. However, managers have pretty much pressed me out of it since they believe that, because my pupils aren't being in cool rows taking copious notes while they pleasantly pay attention to me talk, I do not have the correct class administration abilities they value. Concrete action-- not rhetoric will recover America to the leading ranks of education and learning and also the instructor work to its prominence again. Sometimes the unexpected happens in course and the very best instructors are adaptable adequate to handle it.

3 Ways Create Better educator With The Aid Of Your Dog.

The very first reason seems to be very teachers in my child's college quit since they had issues with the principal.Though they were handy to the moms and dads lots of needed to leave after being in the school for around 15 to 18 result - my child's performance in institution went down with all freshly assigned had no experience. According to a recent report on educator attrition by the National Center for Education and learning Stats, amongst teachers who stopped as well as took non-education jobs, 64% did so in order to have even more autonomy at work, without micromanagement. I am happy for the terrific instructors that pour their time, power and also typically loan into showing our children! My preferred instructors were constantly the ones who would go on half hr monologues about things entirely unconnected to their topics. Hope you enjoy institution as well as most importantly, I hope you have teachers who really care for you. My Mom in Regulation is a UK trained English educator that now works in Greece as a sort of freelance English instructors. If you choose to go for a debt consolidation teacher's fundings, you can then figure out exactly how much you can manage to pay in payments each month.

[judithd93530-blog]

Ways to Offer A Female A Sexual climax Really Fast.

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[thejewishcomplainer]

time to ~vent~

ok so i’ve been in israel for a month and a half now on an internship program. there are 28 ppl including myself on my program and i share an apartment in be’er sheva with three other girls: 

1) my actual roommate, one of my favorite ppl on the trip. their name is Eden.  2) one of my suitemates (?), she’s genuinely one of the chillest people i’ve met here and i love her. her name is Alison.  3) finally, my other suitemate...Maya. she’s who i’m gonna be bitching about on this fine evening. 

so, buckle up kiddos because i can no longer complain on my finsta (bc she follows me) and i already complained on twitter so here we go

first off, i want to start by saying this: i always give ppl a chance to be nice, understanding, open-minded, etc. first impressions aren’t always great at determining these things about ppl. my first impression of maya wasn’t bad, it was just...meh. then, in the days following, my impression quickly turned more sour of her. it seemed like she was always trying to be in control or be right in each situation. after a week or so of getting used to my new surroundings, i started liking her more and accepting her character flaws. she’s goofy, spontaneous, funny, there for you when you need somebody...just a good friend in general. 

that is, until recently. 

this may be the cabin fever talking, but now, after like seven weeks, i’ve decided i have one of the lowest opinions of her out of anyone on the trip. easily one of the most condescending, self-absorbed, closed-minded, and confusing people i’ve yet to meet in my lifetime. really. here are some of the reasons why i believe she’s such a terrible person: 

1) she has a never ending supply of energy. ok...i don’t actually hate her because of this, but it confuses me how she has all that energy every day. whenever i wanna go somewhere by myself, she always invites herself to tag along, but i don’t ever wanna say no because she doesn’t mean anything bad by it. i’ve started going out less with friends because of the possibility she might be there. 

2) all she eats is fucking buckwheat, lentils, and vegetables. and then rubs it in our faces, like she’s better than us because she eats a boring-ass diet. ok, basic white bitch, we get it you’re ~healthy~

3) she just acts like she’s better than all of us about 95% of the time. there are so many examples of this that i’m gonna try and give a couple examples. -she thinks she’s better than me because she doesn’t have to take the bus to work every day. listen bitch, not all of us can walk to work like you can. some of us actually have 1 1/2 hr commutes every day GOING to work... -she thinks she’s better than a lot of us because she doesn’t eat out a lot and still has a bunch of money on her stipend card. while i applaud her for her budgeting skills, she doesn’t have to rub it in our faces. -she once told my friend that “anyone on this program who’s over 20 years old couldn’t get a real job in the states this summer” ORRR maaaybe i already HAD a job...AND an internship...LAST SUMMER. and, you know, wanted to come back to israel for something meaningful. 

4) she doesn’t like Asian food...or busses...or keys (that’s right, she doesn’t like keys). she is always the last one out of our apartment every morning and NEVER locks the door. just because she claims to be a “trusting person” doesn’t mean the three of us are. lock the mother fucking door, you shit stain. 

5) she always feels like she needs to be right. even if she doesn’t know wtf she’s talking about. and she does so in a way where she sounds incredibly condescending. basically, she’s a know-it-all. example: my roomie Eden was talking about how they were scared they couldn’t afford college classes this upcoming semester and that their home life is gonna be messed up once they get home because they work 4 jobs regularly. THIS BITCH MAYA responds by saying “maybe if you didn’t eat out so much you could afford more things”............................who says Eden eats out all the time in the states? when they have stipend money that needs to be spent (that isn’t even our own money to begin with), who tf cares how much they eat out when on this program??? the point of the conversation went over Maya’s head. also, Maya just doesn’t seem to understand the concept of mental illness. Eden has a lot of demons and severe mental illness and Maya just acts in poor taste a lot of times when it’s the topic of conversation. 

6) she’s hypocritical. she always bitches about me leaving my pots to soak in the sink but doesn’t have the decency to ACTUALLY clean the apartment like...come on

7) finally, she bitches and complains if she doesn’t get her way or if people disagree with her. prime example: a group of us were in eilat for the weekend and she wanted to be out of the airbnb by 9:30-10 am even though check out wasn’t until 11 am. when literally all of us said we would rather sleep in, she - i kid you not - GROWLED. like a fucking dog. like the little bitch she is.  another example: a group of us wanted to go eat at an asian restaurant. she joined us knowing full well she doesn’t like asian food, yet STILL tried to convince everybody to change their minds. i would’ve been fine if some ppl went with her to eat somewhere else, but EVERYBODY changing their mind just for her? no thanks. lemme eat my sushi and egg rolls in P E A C E 

aaand there you go everybody. hopefully i finally lived up to my username and gave y’all a little taste of what i’ve been dealing with the last couple weeks.